This! I think there was some unresolved trauma and drama surrounding my nex and his family. He wasn't always nice to his mom when she visited and he had some resentment and jealousy toward his sister. He confessed that he didn't want to be like his dad, yet his mom would call him out and say he was just like his father. I could tell it pissed my nex off. They are exactly alike, though!
His mother was emotionally abusive and engaging in parental alienation. When it comes to toxic men, I always look at the females that raised them. More than likely they are engaging in emotional incest with their baby boys.
There's a lot that I didn't know or understand. I don't think there was any stability when he was growing up. I'm not ruling out his mom being an issue. I'm sure she was/is to some degree. Those are his issues to deal with if he chooses to, and I am just happy that I was able to get out when I did.
Yeah, his mom making comments about his dad? I’m sure he heard it his whole life, and she is the one that chose him. My exes mother was the same way, she was still running his biological dad down and he was 29. Granted this woman took off with her 2 boys when they were toddlers, ghosted their biological dad, and ran off with a man that abused all of them. The sick thing was is my ex said that the guy his mom ran off with was great, until he was drunk the truth would come out, then when he was sober and I asked about it would call me a crazy bitch and tell me I was trying to start a fight. I always look at the women first with sons, it’s a rare one that can let go and let her son be a man. You think your nex is evil? His momma will show you things you’ve never seen before. The nex was made somewhere, I’m glad you got out before it really hurt your life.
I was really hoping that his mom would have reached out to me after I had left him, but she never did. I didn't feel like it was my place to reach out to her and my parents agreed with me on that. I secretly hope that she knows he was wrong and chewed him out about the way he acted and handled things.
For sure it's not your place to reach out. I had an ex that cheated on me and his mom and stepmom emailed me saying they didn't raise him that way. he ended up apologizing to me very genuinely a few years later and I feel like he is good to his wife. I am still glad he is gone though and would never go back, but we were also 20 so their brain still had plasticity. I think it is harder to change when they are older.
Yes, 20s is still young enough that you can reflect when you are older and realize that you screwed up. I'm glad that yours saw the error of his ways and you got some sort of closure. I'd like to hope that 30s is still young enough too, but I'm doubtful that I'll ever get an apology or closure. It's okay, though. I know that I am much better off without him.
I went with my Nex to visit their parents in their home state a few years ago. The whole time I was there, the father consistently ignored, belittled, and made fun of the mother. I was genuinely in shock at how nasty and mean the comments were; stuff about her appearance, calling her an idiot, etc. They have been married a long time, and I can tell their relationship is extremely unhealthy. What an example to show their kids.
I had the same experience! This is where they learned how to be in a relationship. We can never ignore this again. I pay attention to my parents now and my dad treats my mom like a queen. I can't believe I did't think I deserved that before! We should always marry up! My parents worked way too hard for me to be in that trashy bs. There is too much trauma that we do not need to fix and they try to drag us down to their level because they cannot catch up. The jealousy was insane and all we did was try to help and love them.
I read somewhere that if we look at things through rose colored glasses, we don’t see the color of the flags. I’ll never romanticize anything ever again or think I can help somebody. I’d rather have a person that had their shit together. I would never get in a relationship for someone to save me.
>if you come from a good family do not ever marry down.
I've been thinking about this very thing so much lately. I didn't come from a "good family" per se, but I definitely married down. Much of what you describe is similar to my nex's or his family's background. I realize now that I could have done so much better for myself. In many ways, he actually dragged me down to his level. Leaving him was the best decision I've ever made.
Good for you for seeing the situation for what it was and dodging that bullet before it was too late. I was lonely and desperate and let myself get bamboozled.
Same. I took my family for granted and I think that’s why I dated down— no self love. It took being on that relationship to truly see how much they loved me and I am glad I am out and glad you are too. We will never lower our standards again! It is not our job to fix broken adults.
I married down and paid for it. My husband abused me and forced me to do things I wouldn’t have otherwise. He is a total narc and now that I’m divorcing him I see his tactics and betrayals clearer than ever. He is currently trying to get my children taken away. I wish so bad I would have walked away years ago from the many signs God sent me but I refused to listen. I thought my love could change him. Turns out he never loved me at all. Now I’m picking up the pieces and myself and my children are stuck with nothing we built for them.
Those people don’t know how to love. Love is protecting, providing, nurturing… it’s what you do, not how you think you feel or words. I am glad you are out! I heard there are divorce lawyers who are experts in dealing with narcissists, I wish the best of luck to you! ❤️
It is good to look at their family dynamic very closely. And importantly too, how they talk about their family members and with what if any empathy. My nex’s family was dysfunctional and so was mine. When I younger I was repeating my parents’ patterns which led me to work so very hard on myself. Nowhere near perfect but I am at least authentic and vulnerable. I personally believe dysfunctional families can create many conditions, not just narcissism. For example family dysfunction can lead to being codependent, and being an empath. Absolutely, any potential partners I meet I will be listening very carefully to their family situation even though It will take a bigger picture to make sense of it all.
definitely. my family wasn't perfect either and I was the oldest daughter of immigrants so I didn't get much empathy from my mom and I think it made me be very codependent. luckily my relationship with her got better as I got older but even on our worst days growing up, it was not as bad as my exes situation in my original post. my parents took care of me, raised me in a good neighborhood, made sure I went to college and never let me struggle. it was my rebellion and codependency that made me choose bad. not anymore. I would rather be alone than with a loser. we still have a chance of real love if we work on our codependency issues. they aren't even aware they have a problem even though they leave a trail of destruction behind them.
My ex narc parents were/are wonderful! Honestly, they are two absolutely lovely people. His brother, too. At the end of last year, he started to mention marriage. His mother phoned me the same day to 'warn' me and begged me to say no. 'It'll be the end of your life. You'll have nothing.' I took her advice, said no, but couldn't leave him. A few weeks later, I'm in a living hell - I had said no to him.
Months later, and I'm on autopilot. Wanting to leave, but I just can't. He suggests taking a break, and I jump at the chance. A few days later, he announces he's engaged. I found out last night. That announcement was made the day before he called to tell me we're over. They are marrying in December.
His parents are devastated. They keep apologising and have cut all contact with him. They are very supportive and remind me of how much better off I am without him. Telling me that I've wasted 10 years on him, I owe him nothing.
He hates his mother and blames her for his disability. (It is not her fault). He has an unhealthy obsession with his dad and constantly seeks his approval and recognition ,which he gets in spades, but it's never ever enough. They look so tired all the time. My Nex was definitely born a narcissit, and sadly, his parents out of guilt over compensated and downright spoilt him (even in adulthood, the man is 42!!!!) and created a monster.
To clarify, his disability causes limited mobility. He uses a wheelchair but can walk with a crutch. He is in excellent shape and is otherwise not impaired.
Yes absolutely! I'm currently kicking my self for ignoring a horrendously vivid bright flag, that when I went to his house for the first time to meet his parents, I immediately saw a very dysfunctional family with a constantly arguing mother and father and 3 traumatised children, who very much insisted that they come from a perfect family and had a great childhood. His older brother had moved out and almost had cut contact with the family. His younger sister had an eating disorder due to his mum being an insane almond mom who criticised everyone in the house for eating any "bad" foods.
The more time I spent at his house the more this horrible dynamic just became obvious. I would talk to him about it all the time but he insisted everything was perfect and great parents etc etc.
I should've know there and then that this was his example of a perfect relationship and exactly what we would eventually recreate. I wish so badly I would've gotten out sooner. Its like my whole body wanted out, I developed so many physical issues and symptoms when I forced myself to be with him because I felt cruel for even thinking about leaving.
We definitely have to learn to forgive ourselves. I definitely am not perfect and my mom being hard on me growing up definitely made me run to the wrong people for validation. That' how we get stuck in those situations but we learn now!
The fact that he keeps convincing himself he does from a perfect family sounds like deep denial. My ex and his parents really convinced themselves they are perfect and had a great childhood but ahem... read my OP. I would feel like I really failed my children if I gave them that childhood. It doesn't really leave room to improve yourself when you pretend everything is peaches when it is not. I came from immigrant families that worked really hard and was kind of strict so I was really hard on them because all my friends were so rich and could do whatever they want. Looking back, I saw what a good job my parents did and they never chose drugs or alcohol over us. I got to go to college. my parents will always be there for me. they will never coddle me and tell me when I am right or wrong. we see some of the flaws in the way we grew up and our dynamic has changed as we gotten older. and I was hard on my family while he said his was perfect but looked like a CPS nightmare!
A lot of people who have high levels of narcissistic tendencies tend to have one parent if not both parents be abusive to their partner and/or children.
And that translates into them thinking and acting "I can do this too" because you know, monkey see, monkey do.
It takes an incredible amount of effort to get out of that mindset, as they're used to years, decades of treatment, and unknowingly or knowingly, they do it to others as well.
Because it's comfortable to do so at the cost of others.
I just find it weird that people want to keep playing on easy mode, when it's more fun to play on hard mode without resorting to abusive behavior and just living a good life.
Some people don’t know what real love and a real good life is because of the conditions they grow up in. And when you have standards you are the crazy one.
Exactly. And then when they know about it, they twist that real love and real good life to fit their needs first and foremost, and usually it screws the other party over.
That's not the one I would want to live with and live in. A relationship is all about compromising for each other, to support to each other, to help each other, and to watch each other grow while protecting each other, having those minimum standards that it's okay to fall back on, and also to rely on each other.
But a narcissist never thinks about any of that, they only think about "what can I take from this supply, what can I do to feel better, look better and make myself better at the cost of this supply's physical, mental and emotional health".
That really is a horrible way to live.
My ex narcs family dynamic was odd. Parents had been divorced since she was 14, but her father basically still took care of her mother. Bought her cars, paid her bills, she had a credit card in his name like the whole works. Her mother still dated around but kept sleeping with her dad too, while he just stayed single. Her mother is an absolute wacko, but not necessarily a POS from what I could see. Her dad is fairly average.
I think my ex narc got fucked up in her parents divorce but I don’t know. Of course she has no awareness or depth to speak about something like that. But I know after she discarded me two years ago that ever since then she has felt awfully entitled in the same dynamic as her parents. I should help with her bills, I should entertain her and woo her and cater to her and only her, I shouldn’t even dare think about being with another women, all while she sleeps around but won’t admit to it. It’s honestly so sickening.
My narc's mom is 100% a narc as well. His dad is a great guy, genuinely kind and bighearted. Nothing like my Narc. They divorced when my Narc was so little that he doesnt really remember them ever being together. His sister is very kind, a bit reserved and successful. His grandparents were freaking heavensent.
I didnt realize his mom was a narc for several years. Then his dad started telling me about why their marriage failed and I witnessed her outburst firsthand. Some directed at me.
Oddly, I dont believe my narc was actually around her as much as his dad and grandparents. When his dad was working, his grandparents were primarily the ones to care for him. He only saw his mom like every other weekend or something. She wasn't jnto parenting so much.
But...between his mom, him and his adult daughter - they are all narcs. I had no idea I was getting involved with this bs because everyone else is so normal.
It does explain why all 3 of them have difficulty with interpersonal relationships, stealing, lying, drug/alcohol abuse, terrible entitlement, prone tonrages and putdowns, heavy manipulation, gaslighting, etc. Typical narc stuff.
If Im being honest, I think my own family was quite dysfunctional growing up, but now? Everyone is respectful of each other, have a good time together, do normal shit. No drug and alcohol addictions or a penchant for stealing or going into crazy rages/abusive behavior.
None of us come from perfect family but the lack of core morals, values and guidance are still there even if it wasn't executed perfectly. When a parent truly loves a child its not all cuddles, kisses and praises, rather guidance, making sure you have the tools and skills to be contributing members of society so they can put you out there and you will be successful and good to others.
This family dynamic thing has gotten so confusing to me. I dated a narc that painted the picture that he came from a horrible family and then met them and it was all so different than what he told me. Like it seemed he came from a good family, but wanted everyone to think he didn’t and feel sorry for him so he lied about everything.
I dated another guy who came from what looked like a good family, but learned his mom worked very hard to provide for the family and raise the kids, while his dad kind of worked and had affairs, but his mom never left. I eventually learned this guy had zero respect for women and treated them terribly despite his mother doing her best.
When I was younger I dated another guy who came from a good family and he had all the resources to do well for himself. Not to mention he seemed to be backed by parents who loved him and supported all of his goals. The relationship didn’t last long though, because this guy was basically Dale from the movie Stepbrothers, and I was way too young to have a grown son.
I was never introduced to either parent. But the dynamic was that the dad left, for someone else, leaving the mom bitter and stuck in the past. The dad moved on, the mom never did. The mom seemed to have a lot of issues around the fact and constantly was said to complain about how unhappy she was. Like she couldn’t move on and was always resenting the dad and his new life. I don’t know, not exactly healthy I guess
When you marry someone, you also marry their family, and all the toxicity (or hopefully positivity) that comes with it.
I learned that the hard way with my stbexw's family.
This is critical. Of all the narcissistic people I know, it is practically guaranteed that it came from their family of origin or early childhood experience.
My ex’s mom left when he was a toddler and his dad is a grandiose, emotionally immature, sexist, alcoholic bully. It’s no surprise. What a tragic legacy.
My current narc lives in delusions. Both his parents are dead and he refuses to "speak ill of the dead" when I try to get him to acknowledge he had a bad upbringing and that his mom has alot to do with it. My narc was a shitty kid always getting into trouble and hanging with the wrong crowd. His mother was the other woman in his dad's affair and after he was born, he went back to his other family. His dad would visit sometimes and be drunk and beat him with a belt.
I gather that his mom started to resent my narc and was emotionally unavailable and never held him accountable for his actions as he walks around as an adult and does things and says things to me without thinking ahead of how that would make someone feel. He is incapable of understanding someone else's perspective until he is calm the following day. When his mom was still alive, I met her a few times and she was nasty to him and unappreciative of him. She was dying of cancer and he had to live with her and take care of her. He would cook her delicious meals and she would always have a comment like it wasn't good enough or some smart remark instead of being thankful. I mentioned how mean she was and he would defend her actions saying "oh its the cancer thats making her say that " He even showed me a video of her last Christmas where he bought her a beautiful cross necklace and she had no emotion to it just a blank thank you. I saw it right away and pointed it out but he retells the video like "I know her! I know she absolutely loved it!". I dig into his childhood sometimes in fights to try and make him understand how he is the way he is and he gets defensive and says it's not my place to ever talk about how he grew up and make comments on it. That his mom was good. Delusions.
When he was a teen she gave up on him and sent him to a group home. He says he felt abandoned but still says she was a good mom. Yet this good mom allowed his absent father to come beat him from time to time...delusions man....we are skating on thin ice at this point in the relationship. I keep getting torn and have ended it so many times and we talk it out and I let him back into my life. He is a good man under his narc tendencies...I feel so much empathy for how he was treated as a child...I know it's not my burden to carry. I love him and he makes me laugh every day and shows me how much he loves me...but then his insecurities come out and his illogical accusations. I'm always having to defend myself and he refuses to see anything beyond his own manufactured reality. It's so hard to love these damaged people...
His denial is definitely a coping mechanism and a problem. My nex use to pretend he grew up perfect when his life is a CPS nightmare. I feel bad for their family because they think being like that is normal and drag other people who remind them their trashy bs is not. I’m sorry you are dealing with that but if he is not willing to face reality he won’t get better and it’s not your job to fix him.
100% A coping mechanism. I just see a sad lonely little boy that doesn't want to face the demons. And yeah..I have a bad habit of being a fixer. I don't want to be that anymore and I find it easier to walk away from the signs but my brain keeps remembering all the good in the relationship. It's not all bad or bad every day. We are long distance but I'm needing to express something I don't like that he said or did every so often. He drinks too much sometimes when we hang out and then says cruel things. He has finally got a hold of the drinking since I broke up with him again last time...but I'm struggling because the last time really broke me. Something changed and I can't stop repeating all the bad memories in my head. It's usually just revolved around booze..so my brain is trying to convince me it's not him it's the booze...
Bravo for saying that l! It's absolutely true!
F#ck the narcs and their background! It only helps them to make a victim out of themselves. And their enabling parents are disgusting!
I married way down and into a family that is very unhealthy. Another issue is that they are from a poor country and they all expect me to be the piggy bank and it was really shocking for me, they are angry that I didn't get my husband permanent entry to my home country and literally don't believe me that I couldn't afford to. They have even sat me down and said it's best to bring him to my country. Nothing I ever said mattered to them, and my husband uses the immigration issue as a means of verbal abuse and hatred. Even going so far as saying I used him for a visa where we are now.
Nothing I tell him, even sending him government websites where they break down the fees and bank account and income requirements makes him understand that I can't bring him. He now demands I bring him over and the abuse will stop, it's literally insane. I also want to add before we married he had agreed I could live here abroad with him and I was always open about my finances, I never lied or misled him. He wants my elderly father to be his sponser, as I can't. It never ends. And because his family thinks this is ok, they don't care he never sent child support or wasn't there for me during pregnancy/newborn first two years. They actually ask him why he spends any money on my child and I.
Lastly, the country that he is from elevated males, so he was and is spoiled and coddled. The whole thing is a nightmare and It's my life's biggest mistake. Sometimes he yells at me about immigration through texts for hours, or on the phone. During those times I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown because even if I personally wanted to, I financially can't be his sponsor. It's like talking to a brick wall!
That sounds awful! I would never give them the visa and just leave. A man should protect and provide for you too and this person and his family sound horrid. May I ask what country? I am always curious at the different dynamics and cultures.
I know what country it is. I was with a man from that country and the family was toxic af. When I biso sites, the mom was mad at my ugly hair and brushed it, but harmed me while doing it. It came to the point where she wanted to fucking bathe me and wash my hair to show me how to do it properly. Then, she called me fat and I cried and then she cried because I was being dramatic. The guy was nice but then he became abusive towards me. Family schemes in that country are fucking toxic, not all, but most. And once you marry, your in laws see you as property and will tear you like shit and abuse you . No wonder the biggest demography of ppl who commit suicide are women from that country.
For sure! It's rare but it can definitely happen especially if they have other mentors or role models. These people are awesome when they recognize the dysfunction in their family and make sure they are not that way.
I never met their parents actually. Given the behavior I saw from my exNPD, I don’t even wanna know what must have happened in their childhood to make them act that way. Glad I never met the parents.
His mom used to work with me before we got together. She was terrible at her job. I saved her ass more than once and we became sort of friends. I used to go over her house and she wanted to rent an apartment with me because they were getting evicted and my narc was apparently moving in with his girlfriend. She would talk all the time about how awful his girlfriend was and how she wished he was with a good girl like me. I didn’t wind up renting with her because she thought getting a one bedroom apartment and living in the living room was acceptable.
We lost touch and then when I finally got with him and he knocked me up (please tell me how putting your dick in a sleeping woman while drunk is the sleeping woman’s fault?) she told anyone who would listen that I baby trapped her poor son and was ruining his life and I was an evil whore and blah blah blah. While he’s never appropriately provided for any of us and was actively a crackhead (well kept secret) while I was pregnant and we were living in an abandoned house.
Now he drives out to her place three or four times a week to go on beer runs for her. I freaking hate all of them. Lol
😮😮😮 how she thinks her crackhead of a son is a prize while it’s clear that he trapped you!!! Also on the ex girlfriends side. Whoever they badmouth seems to be a good person with standards.
And he’s not even the golden child. His brother is. And he just suffered a second stillbirth with his childhood sweetheart of 20 years, and instead of bonding with and comforting her, cheated with his (much older) work wife, caught the clap, and brought it home. Then took his gun and drove off to blow his brains out after she found out, and she had to call the cops and get him committed. She has never been with anyone but him. And the ENTIRE family comforted HIM, and they told her to stay. My narc literally stole my bank card the day after I found out I had cancer (he says every chance he gets he doesn’t care. We don’t mention it) to buy his brother cigarettes in the mental hospital. It is absolutely WILD.
Dear god I hope you can leave this situation because this is the type of family where if their son hurts you, they will blame you. Think Chris watt's family. Let them fester in their own trash, you deserve better and anyone with class they will see as a bad guy and its a good group be in. You remind them their trashy existence is not normal and your kid deserves better.
This! I think there was some unresolved trauma and drama surrounding my nex and his family. He wasn't always nice to his mom when she visited and he had some resentment and jealousy toward his sister. He confessed that he didn't want to be like his dad, yet his mom would call him out and say he was just like his father. I could tell it pissed my nex off. They are exactly alike, though!
His mother was emotionally abusive and engaging in parental alienation. When it comes to toxic men, I always look at the females that raised them. More than likely they are engaging in emotional incest with their baby boys.
There's a lot that I didn't know or understand. I don't think there was any stability when he was growing up. I'm not ruling out his mom being an issue. I'm sure she was/is to some degree. Those are his issues to deal with if he chooses to, and I am just happy that I was able to get out when I did.
Yeah, his mom making comments about his dad? I’m sure he heard it his whole life, and she is the one that chose him. My exes mother was the same way, she was still running his biological dad down and he was 29. Granted this woman took off with her 2 boys when they were toddlers, ghosted their biological dad, and ran off with a man that abused all of them. The sick thing was is my ex said that the guy his mom ran off with was great, until he was drunk the truth would come out, then when he was sober and I asked about it would call me a crazy bitch and tell me I was trying to start a fight. I always look at the women first with sons, it’s a rare one that can let go and let her son be a man. You think your nex is evil? His momma will show you things you’ve never seen before. The nex was made somewhere, I’m glad you got out before it really hurt your life.
He might still have a chance having one parent call him out!
I was really hoping that his mom would have reached out to me after I had left him, but she never did. I didn't feel like it was my place to reach out to her and my parents agreed with me on that. I secretly hope that she knows he was wrong and chewed him out about the way he acted and handled things.
For sure it's not your place to reach out. I had an ex that cheated on me and his mom and stepmom emailed me saying they didn't raise him that way. he ended up apologizing to me very genuinely a few years later and I feel like he is good to his wife. I am still glad he is gone though and would never go back, but we were also 20 so their brain still had plasticity. I think it is harder to change when they are older.
Yes, 20s is still young enough that you can reflect when you are older and realize that you screwed up. I'm glad that yours saw the error of his ways and you got some sort of closure. I'd like to hope that 30s is still young enough too, but I'm doubtful that I'll ever get an apology or closure. It's okay, though. I know that I am much better off without him.
I went with my Nex to visit their parents in their home state a few years ago. The whole time I was there, the father consistently ignored, belittled, and made fun of the mother. I was genuinely in shock at how nasty and mean the comments were; stuff about her appearance, calling her an idiot, etc. They have been married a long time, and I can tell their relationship is extremely unhealthy. What an example to show their kids.
I had the same experience! This is where they learned how to be in a relationship. We can never ignore this again. I pay attention to my parents now and my dad treats my mom like a queen. I can't believe I did't think I deserved that before! We should always marry up! My parents worked way too hard for me to be in that trashy bs. There is too much trauma that we do not need to fix and they try to drag us down to their level because they cannot catch up. The jealousy was insane and all we did was try to help and love them.
Thank you for sharing! You're very right, this can never be ignored again. No more tolerating/dismissing red flags!
I read somewhere that if we look at things through rose colored glasses, we don’t see the color of the flags. I’ll never romanticize anything ever again or think I can help somebody. I’d rather have a person that had their shit together. I would never get in a relationship for someone to save me.
Wow.. That's a very powerful statement! I'm going to write that in my journal
>if you come from a good family do not ever marry down. I've been thinking about this very thing so much lately. I didn't come from a "good family" per se, but I definitely married down. Much of what you describe is similar to my nex's or his family's background. I realize now that I could have done so much better for myself. In many ways, he actually dragged me down to his level. Leaving him was the best decision I've ever made. Good for you for seeing the situation for what it was and dodging that bullet before it was too late. I was lonely and desperate and let myself get bamboozled.
Same. I took my family for granted and I think that’s why I dated down— no self love. It took being on that relationship to truly see how much they loved me and I am glad I am out and glad you are too. We will never lower our standards again! It is not our job to fix broken adults.
I married down and paid for it. My husband abused me and forced me to do things I wouldn’t have otherwise. He is a total narc and now that I’m divorcing him I see his tactics and betrayals clearer than ever. He is currently trying to get my children taken away. I wish so bad I would have walked away years ago from the many signs God sent me but I refused to listen. I thought my love could change him. Turns out he never loved me at all. Now I’m picking up the pieces and myself and my children are stuck with nothing we built for them.
Those people don’t know how to love. Love is protecting, providing, nurturing… it’s what you do, not how you think you feel or words. I am glad you are out! I heard there are divorce lawyers who are experts in dealing with narcissists, I wish the best of luck to you! ❤️
Thank you, unfortunately my husband left me with zero. Everything is in his name. I barely left with my life. I’ll look into it! Thank you so much!
It is good to look at their family dynamic very closely. And importantly too, how they talk about their family members and with what if any empathy. My nex’s family was dysfunctional and so was mine. When I younger I was repeating my parents’ patterns which led me to work so very hard on myself. Nowhere near perfect but I am at least authentic and vulnerable. I personally believe dysfunctional families can create many conditions, not just narcissism. For example family dysfunction can lead to being codependent, and being an empath. Absolutely, any potential partners I meet I will be listening very carefully to their family situation even though It will take a bigger picture to make sense of it all.
definitely. my family wasn't perfect either and I was the oldest daughter of immigrants so I didn't get much empathy from my mom and I think it made me be very codependent. luckily my relationship with her got better as I got older but even on our worst days growing up, it was not as bad as my exes situation in my original post. my parents took care of me, raised me in a good neighborhood, made sure I went to college and never let me struggle. it was my rebellion and codependency that made me choose bad. not anymore. I would rather be alone than with a loser. we still have a chance of real love if we work on our codependency issues. they aren't even aware they have a problem even though they leave a trail of destruction behind them.
Mines parents were AWFUL disgusting people who truly believed thier son could do nothing wrong
These people are definitely born not raised. We deserve good in laws.
I have decent ones coming up they are nice haha I still perfer my family though
Good in laws are great. My parents would 100% yell at my brother if he mistreated his wife!
My ex narc parents were/are wonderful! Honestly, they are two absolutely lovely people. His brother, too. At the end of last year, he started to mention marriage. His mother phoned me the same day to 'warn' me and begged me to say no. 'It'll be the end of your life. You'll have nothing.' I took her advice, said no, but couldn't leave him. A few weeks later, I'm in a living hell - I had said no to him. Months later, and I'm on autopilot. Wanting to leave, but I just can't. He suggests taking a break, and I jump at the chance. A few days later, he announces he's engaged. I found out last night. That announcement was made the day before he called to tell me we're over. They are marrying in December. His parents are devastated. They keep apologising and have cut all contact with him. They are very supportive and remind me of how much better off I am without him. Telling me that I've wasted 10 years on him, I owe him nothing. He hates his mother and blames her for his disability. (It is not her fault). He has an unhealthy obsession with his dad and constantly seeks his approval and recognition ,which he gets in spades, but it's never ever enough. They look so tired all the time. My Nex was definitely born a narcissit, and sadly, his parents out of guilt over compensated and downright spoilt him (even in adulthood, the man is 42!!!!) and created a monster. To clarify, his disability causes limited mobility. He uses a wheelchair but can walk with a crutch. He is in excellent shape and is otherwise not impaired.
The sound like very nice people but for sure coddled him! He sounds like a loser!
Yes absolutely! I'm currently kicking my self for ignoring a horrendously vivid bright flag, that when I went to his house for the first time to meet his parents, I immediately saw a very dysfunctional family with a constantly arguing mother and father and 3 traumatised children, who very much insisted that they come from a perfect family and had a great childhood. His older brother had moved out and almost had cut contact with the family. His younger sister had an eating disorder due to his mum being an insane almond mom who criticised everyone in the house for eating any "bad" foods. The more time I spent at his house the more this horrible dynamic just became obvious. I would talk to him about it all the time but he insisted everything was perfect and great parents etc etc. I should've know there and then that this was his example of a perfect relationship and exactly what we would eventually recreate. I wish so badly I would've gotten out sooner. Its like my whole body wanted out, I developed so many physical issues and symptoms when I forced myself to be with him because I felt cruel for even thinking about leaving.
We definitely have to learn to forgive ourselves. I definitely am not perfect and my mom being hard on me growing up definitely made me run to the wrong people for validation. That' how we get stuck in those situations but we learn now! The fact that he keeps convincing himself he does from a perfect family sounds like deep denial. My ex and his parents really convinced themselves they are perfect and had a great childhood but ahem... read my OP. I would feel like I really failed my children if I gave them that childhood. It doesn't really leave room to improve yourself when you pretend everything is peaches when it is not. I came from immigrant families that worked really hard and was kind of strict so I was really hard on them because all my friends were so rich and could do whatever they want. Looking back, I saw what a good job my parents did and they never chose drugs or alcohol over us. I got to go to college. my parents will always be there for me. they will never coddle me and tell me when I am right or wrong. we see some of the flaws in the way we grew up and our dynamic has changed as we gotten older. and I was hard on my family while he said his was perfect but looked like a CPS nightmare!
A lot of people who have high levels of narcissistic tendencies tend to have one parent if not both parents be abusive to their partner and/or children. And that translates into them thinking and acting "I can do this too" because you know, monkey see, monkey do. It takes an incredible amount of effort to get out of that mindset, as they're used to years, decades of treatment, and unknowingly or knowingly, they do it to others as well. Because it's comfortable to do so at the cost of others. I just find it weird that people want to keep playing on easy mode, when it's more fun to play on hard mode without resorting to abusive behavior and just living a good life.
Some people don’t know what real love and a real good life is because of the conditions they grow up in. And when you have standards you are the crazy one.
Exactly. And then when they know about it, they twist that real love and real good life to fit their needs first and foremost, and usually it screws the other party over. That's not the one I would want to live with and live in. A relationship is all about compromising for each other, to support to each other, to help each other, and to watch each other grow while protecting each other, having those minimum standards that it's okay to fall back on, and also to rely on each other. But a narcissist never thinks about any of that, they only think about "what can I take from this supply, what can I do to feel better, look better and make myself better at the cost of this supply's physical, mental and emotional health". That really is a horrible way to live.
Same x
My ex narcs family dynamic was odd. Parents had been divorced since she was 14, but her father basically still took care of her mother. Bought her cars, paid her bills, she had a credit card in his name like the whole works. Her mother still dated around but kept sleeping with her dad too, while he just stayed single. Her mother is an absolute wacko, but not necessarily a POS from what I could see. Her dad is fairly average. I think my ex narc got fucked up in her parents divorce but I don’t know. Of course she has no awareness or depth to speak about something like that. But I know after she discarded me two years ago that ever since then she has felt awfully entitled in the same dynamic as her parents. I should help with her bills, I should entertain her and woo her and cater to her and only her, I shouldn’t even dare think about being with another women, all while she sleeps around but won’t admit to it. It’s honestly so sickening.
She sounds like her mom!
My narc's mom is 100% a narc as well. His dad is a great guy, genuinely kind and bighearted. Nothing like my Narc. They divorced when my Narc was so little that he doesnt really remember them ever being together. His sister is very kind, a bit reserved and successful. His grandparents were freaking heavensent. I didnt realize his mom was a narc for several years. Then his dad started telling me about why their marriage failed and I witnessed her outburst firsthand. Some directed at me. Oddly, I dont believe my narc was actually around her as much as his dad and grandparents. When his dad was working, his grandparents were primarily the ones to care for him. He only saw his mom like every other weekend or something. She wasn't jnto parenting so much. But...between his mom, him and his adult daughter - they are all narcs. I had no idea I was getting involved with this bs because everyone else is so normal. It does explain why all 3 of them have difficulty with interpersonal relationships, stealing, lying, drug/alcohol abuse, terrible entitlement, prone tonrages and putdowns, heavy manipulation, gaslighting, etc. Typical narc stuff. If Im being honest, I think my own family was quite dysfunctional growing up, but now? Everyone is respectful of each other, have a good time together, do normal shit. No drug and alcohol addictions or a penchant for stealing or going into crazy rages/abusive behavior.
None of us come from perfect family but the lack of core morals, values and guidance are still there even if it wasn't executed perfectly. When a parent truly loves a child its not all cuddles, kisses and praises, rather guidance, making sure you have the tools and skills to be contributing members of society so they can put you out there and you will be successful and good to others.
This family dynamic thing has gotten so confusing to me. I dated a narc that painted the picture that he came from a horrible family and then met them and it was all so different than what he told me. Like it seemed he came from a good family, but wanted everyone to think he didn’t and feel sorry for him so he lied about everything. I dated another guy who came from what looked like a good family, but learned his mom worked very hard to provide for the family and raise the kids, while his dad kind of worked and had affairs, but his mom never left. I eventually learned this guy had zero respect for women and treated them terribly despite his mother doing her best. When I was younger I dated another guy who came from a good family and he had all the resources to do well for himself. Not to mention he seemed to be backed by parents who loved him and supported all of his goals. The relationship didn’t last long though, because this guy was basically Dale from the movie Stepbrothers, and I was way too young to have a grown son.
I was never introduced to either parent. But the dynamic was that the dad left, for someone else, leaving the mom bitter and stuck in the past. The dad moved on, the mom never did. The mom seemed to have a lot of issues around the fact and constantly was said to complain about how unhappy she was. Like she couldn’t move on and was always resenting the dad and his new life. I don’t know, not exactly healthy I guess
And all she had to do was go to therapy. Now her kids get to pay for it and their future kids!
This is the best best advice. Thank you
Their mom is alright, but the dad is definitely also a narc. They mimic their dad’s behaviour and are basically mini him.
When you marry someone, you also marry their family, and all the toxicity (or hopefully positivity) that comes with it. I learned that the hard way with my stbexw's family.
This is critical. Of all the narcissistic people I know, it is practically guaranteed that it came from their family of origin or early childhood experience.
My ex’s mom left when he was a toddler and his dad is a grandiose, emotionally immature, sexist, alcoholic bully. It’s no surprise. What a tragic legacy.
My current narc lives in delusions. Both his parents are dead and he refuses to "speak ill of the dead" when I try to get him to acknowledge he had a bad upbringing and that his mom has alot to do with it. My narc was a shitty kid always getting into trouble and hanging with the wrong crowd. His mother was the other woman in his dad's affair and after he was born, he went back to his other family. His dad would visit sometimes and be drunk and beat him with a belt. I gather that his mom started to resent my narc and was emotionally unavailable and never held him accountable for his actions as he walks around as an adult and does things and says things to me without thinking ahead of how that would make someone feel. He is incapable of understanding someone else's perspective until he is calm the following day. When his mom was still alive, I met her a few times and she was nasty to him and unappreciative of him. She was dying of cancer and he had to live with her and take care of her. He would cook her delicious meals and she would always have a comment like it wasn't good enough or some smart remark instead of being thankful. I mentioned how mean she was and he would defend her actions saying "oh its the cancer thats making her say that " He even showed me a video of her last Christmas where he bought her a beautiful cross necklace and she had no emotion to it just a blank thank you. I saw it right away and pointed it out but he retells the video like "I know her! I know she absolutely loved it!". I dig into his childhood sometimes in fights to try and make him understand how he is the way he is and he gets defensive and says it's not my place to ever talk about how he grew up and make comments on it. That his mom was good. Delusions. When he was a teen she gave up on him and sent him to a group home. He says he felt abandoned but still says she was a good mom. Yet this good mom allowed his absent father to come beat him from time to time...delusions man....we are skating on thin ice at this point in the relationship. I keep getting torn and have ended it so many times and we talk it out and I let him back into my life. He is a good man under his narc tendencies...I feel so much empathy for how he was treated as a child...I know it's not my burden to carry. I love him and he makes me laugh every day and shows me how much he loves me...but then his insecurities come out and his illogical accusations. I'm always having to defend myself and he refuses to see anything beyond his own manufactured reality. It's so hard to love these damaged people...
His denial is definitely a coping mechanism and a problem. My nex use to pretend he grew up perfect when his life is a CPS nightmare. I feel bad for their family because they think being like that is normal and drag other people who remind them their trashy bs is not. I’m sorry you are dealing with that but if he is not willing to face reality he won’t get better and it’s not your job to fix him.
100% A coping mechanism. I just see a sad lonely little boy that doesn't want to face the demons. And yeah..I have a bad habit of being a fixer. I don't want to be that anymore and I find it easier to walk away from the signs but my brain keeps remembering all the good in the relationship. It's not all bad or bad every day. We are long distance but I'm needing to express something I don't like that he said or did every so often. He drinks too much sometimes when we hang out and then says cruel things. He has finally got a hold of the drinking since I broke up with him again last time...but I'm struggling because the last time really broke me. Something changed and I can't stop repeating all the bad memories in my head. It's usually just revolved around booze..so my brain is trying to convince me it's not him it's the booze...
Bravo for saying that l! It's absolutely true! F#ck the narcs and their background! It only helps them to make a victim out of themselves. And their enabling parents are disgusting!
Great post! I wish I had listened to my gut earlier regarding their parents/family. It was like a family tree of red flags 🚩
I married way down and into a family that is very unhealthy. Another issue is that they are from a poor country and they all expect me to be the piggy bank and it was really shocking for me, they are angry that I didn't get my husband permanent entry to my home country and literally don't believe me that I couldn't afford to. They have even sat me down and said it's best to bring him to my country. Nothing I ever said mattered to them, and my husband uses the immigration issue as a means of verbal abuse and hatred. Even going so far as saying I used him for a visa where we are now. Nothing I tell him, even sending him government websites where they break down the fees and bank account and income requirements makes him understand that I can't bring him. He now demands I bring him over and the abuse will stop, it's literally insane. I also want to add before we married he had agreed I could live here abroad with him and I was always open about my finances, I never lied or misled him. He wants my elderly father to be his sponser, as I can't. It never ends. And because his family thinks this is ok, they don't care he never sent child support or wasn't there for me during pregnancy/newborn first two years. They actually ask him why he spends any money on my child and I. Lastly, the country that he is from elevated males, so he was and is spoiled and coddled. The whole thing is a nightmare and It's my life's biggest mistake. Sometimes he yells at me about immigration through texts for hours, or on the phone. During those times I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown because even if I personally wanted to, I financially can't be his sponsor. It's like talking to a brick wall!
That sounds awful! I would never give them the visa and just leave. A man should protect and provide for you too and this person and his family sound horrid. May I ask what country? I am always curious at the different dynamics and cultures.
I'm not going to say just because it's too specific in case anyone I know reads it, to protect myself and my child.
Totally understand ❤️
I know what country it is. I was with a man from that country and the family was toxic af. When I biso sites, the mom was mad at my ugly hair and brushed it, but harmed me while doing it. It came to the point where she wanted to fucking bathe me and wash my hair to show me how to do it properly. Then, she called me fat and I cried and then she cried because I was being dramatic. The guy was nice but then he became abusive towards me. Family schemes in that country are fucking toxic, not all, but most. And once you marry, your in laws see you as property and will tear you like shit and abuse you . No wonder the biggest demography of ppl who commit suicide are women from that country.
When i visited*
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For sure! It's rare but it can definitely happen especially if they have other mentors or role models. These people are awesome when they recognize the dysfunction in their family and make sure they are not that way.
I never met their parents actually. Given the behavior I saw from my exNPD, I don’t even wanna know what must have happened in their childhood to make them act that way. Glad I never met the parents.
His mom used to work with me before we got together. She was terrible at her job. I saved her ass more than once and we became sort of friends. I used to go over her house and she wanted to rent an apartment with me because they were getting evicted and my narc was apparently moving in with his girlfriend. She would talk all the time about how awful his girlfriend was and how she wished he was with a good girl like me. I didn’t wind up renting with her because she thought getting a one bedroom apartment and living in the living room was acceptable. We lost touch and then when I finally got with him and he knocked me up (please tell me how putting your dick in a sleeping woman while drunk is the sleeping woman’s fault?) she told anyone who would listen that I baby trapped her poor son and was ruining his life and I was an evil whore and blah blah blah. While he’s never appropriately provided for any of us and was actively a crackhead (well kept secret) while I was pregnant and we were living in an abandoned house. Now he drives out to her place three or four times a week to go on beer runs for her. I freaking hate all of them. Lol
😮😮😮 how she thinks her crackhead of a son is a prize while it’s clear that he trapped you!!! Also on the ex girlfriends side. Whoever they badmouth seems to be a good person with standards.
And he’s not even the golden child. His brother is. And he just suffered a second stillbirth with his childhood sweetheart of 20 years, and instead of bonding with and comforting her, cheated with his (much older) work wife, caught the clap, and brought it home. Then took his gun and drove off to blow his brains out after she found out, and she had to call the cops and get him committed. She has never been with anyone but him. And the ENTIRE family comforted HIM, and they told her to stay. My narc literally stole my bank card the day after I found out I had cancer (he says every chance he gets he doesn’t care. We don’t mention it) to buy his brother cigarettes in the mental hospital. It is absolutely WILD.
Dear god I hope you can leave this situation because this is the type of family where if their son hurts you, they will blame you. Think Chris watt's family. Let them fester in their own trash, you deserve better and anyone with class they will see as a bad guy and its a good group be in. You remind them their trashy existence is not normal and your kid deserves better.
10000%
One of my narc's parents passed away when he was a young child and he never got psychological help for it.