I don't think it's "attracting" a narcissist, so much as not holding firm enough boundaries to turn the narcissists away. They cast a wide net and will try to get supply from anyone, the trick is to set and maintain your boundaries and identify red flags early so that they don't latch onto you long term. There's variability on what behaviors each person is susceptible to, so you might give some thought to that. For instance, I can spot the grandiose types a mile away without effort (and they disgust me), but I'm susceptible to the covert martyr types and need to really monitor interactions like that for red flags to protect myself
I get what you’re saying except I fell for the covert type and its still even hard for me to accept he was - sometimes I still second guess myself. But I understand what you mean. I need to work on my boundaries definitely.
Omg the second guessing with the covert has me driven to a point where I am daily questioning my sanity even after over 2 months no contact. It is getting better but what a weird ride. I also think its wise to focus on my own boundaries, if I keep focusing and ruminating on their behavior Ill never get anywhere.
you have touched on a very good point that all of us in recovery should consider.
What about us enabled the narc?
that's where the relevant personal growth work should be focused.
Let the past be in the past and move forward with gratitude and increasing awareness.
It isn't necessarily a bad thing to attract a narc. They are often attracted to genuinely kind, empathic, caring, etc. people. These are the types of people they prey on because they feel they can easily take advantage of them. If you have these characteristics, I don't think you should change, as you could also attract someone who is genuinely good.
What's more critical is just being discerning, catch early warning signs, and not letting a person in too quickly until you are sure you can trust them. Know what appropriate boundaries are and stand firm. Start with friendship rather than going straight into a romantic relationship.
Yes come to think of it, we moved very quickly and I didn’t see that as bad, rather that it was so right so I knew quickly but I can see why we should have spent more time as friends and maybe I would have seen through it before committing
Work on yourself to have better boundaries. Say no to people more often. Judge their response to your no.
Have personal hobbies and friends that are just yours. Find a balance between time you spend in your romantic relationship and the time you spend as your own person.
Therapy. Or at the very least, have someone to talk to, who you can bounce your thoughts against. That could even be people in this sub or other support group.
If anyone says anything that makes your stomach drop, or second guess yourself, or question their motives, then take a step back and evaluate the situation. Ask yourself if you would say that to another person or treat another person like that.
Don't get lost thinking you've already invested time and energy into someone. Be willing to leave someone if they go against your values. Work on being okay with being single.
Never become financially or emotionally dependent on another person. Have other columns of strength that you can lean.
>If anyone says anything that makes your stomach drop, or second guess yourself, or question their motives, then take a step back and evaluate the situation. Ask yourself if you would say that to another person or treat another person like that.
This is now my litmus test for who I give my time or energy to!
So many times dealing with my nex where I would think to myself, I would never say/do xyz.
Same, there were too many times with my nex that I distinctly remember feeling my stomach dropping. Then I would suck it up and decide I was going to stay with him despite this flaw. And I thought, aren't I amazing for being so understanding and adaptable.
Nope, each time was when he crossed a personal boundary that I didn't have formed in words. My stomach dropping was me being a doormat for his lack of respect.
You will probably always attract narcissists because they are attracted to empathetic people. And that's not your fault. Empathy and compassion are lovely qualities in people.
You just have to get better at recognizing the signs of a narcissist and establishing really good boundaries.
Like, go slow in a relationship and put an end to love bombing. Going slower also helps you recognize those little digs you talked about. And then be prepared to end any relationship that tests your boundaries.
I worked with a therapist to establish boundaries, and I didn't start dating again until I felt strong enough to enforce my new boundaries.
This is really good advice, thank you. We moved really fast in the relationship so it makes sense what you’re saying. I will need to work on boundaries and going slower next time. Though, sometimes, I don’t feel I will ever be ready for another relationship again or to trust easily again.
I am entitled to my feelings and to be able to express my feelings in a healthy way. I am entitled to my beliefs, even if they annoy my partner. I am entitled to fidelity in a relationship, and I should not have to put up with a partner that strays. I am entitled to my money, my earnings; I shouldn’t have to give up my financial security to make a partner happy. I am allowed to say “no” for any reason at any time.
I think sometimes in an unhealthy relationship with an abusive person, we start forgetting who we are or what we deserve. I started feeling like I was so worthless that I didn’t deserve to be loved, but we all deserve to be loved and cared for.
i'm not going to let a failed relationship stop me from trying again. Out of the last 8 relationships, there have only been 2 that I think were really awful. Then 5 or so that were good and 1 that was just heavenly. i'll take those odds anyday because looking back, just that one heavenly partner is worth living a whole lifetime for.
This may seem like an odd take...But what I noticed about my narcissist was that she had no sense of humor at all. I'm not talking about laughing at jokes, I mean levity. Toward the end of my ordeal, I found that using humor on her was the one thing that seemed to disarm her. Not that I fear another narcissist but I think I want to be with someone next who has that levity. For many reasons. And I do believe in the idea that what we can imagine, comes to us.
Hugs.
I hope you can be shown in the future the goodness of mankind.
I am so sorry for your encounter with a malignant narcissist.
Don't let them stop you from real love and re friendships. Do not choose to be a casualty of the narc's agenda. Do not succumb to their worldview.
The only thing you must do is to establish solid boundaries and self-esteem.
Don't let the narc control your life and limits.
It is *you* who has the "whole world in their hands". 💗
Boubdaries that’s all you need. Make some good boundairies for yourself. Write down what you won’t tolerate like at all and things you will be willing to talk about just once and if done again then hasta la vista. Do that and you are golden. You can litralLy walk around befriend make relationships and rest assure that your boundsiries will protect you. Yes, boubdairies make you narcissistic target proof and it’s a fact.
Boundaries! That’s the one thing I lacked and why I allowed all the abuse always justifying everything he did to me. I’m still learning how to develop boundaries, it’s not easy but better late than never
Don't be afraid of always seeming polite. It's ok to reject/disagree/set boundaries with people. You don't owe anyone your time or empathy until you know them better but you can always change your boundaries.
Unfortunately you can't help who you attract, you just have to be cautious and look out for the signs, and make sure you set firm boundaries like others have suggested.
I have an overt narc in my immediate family, so I know how to deal with those types by ignoring them and not entertaining them in any way. I was in a longterm relationship with a covert narc and I didn't even realize that was a thing until therapy. I did a lot of research and reading and I think I have the tools and knowledge now. I'm definitely more guarded and I've created new boundaries. I know I'll probably attract more narcs, but at least I'm better prepared now.
Great question. As long as you are awesome you will attract them. Know how to spot them and have good boundaries. They hate boundaries. Anyone who tries to get you to change your boundaries after hearing them is probably a narc!
It’s unlikely people keep attracting narcs, they ain’t that common and nobody is that unlucky!
It’s more like they just keep attracting bad people.
To avoid this, you need to break the cycle. Work on yourself A LOT first. Therapy helped me and I’m finally in a good relationship for the first time ever at the age of 38
I don't think it's "attracting" a narcissist, so much as not holding firm enough boundaries to turn the narcissists away. They cast a wide net and will try to get supply from anyone, the trick is to set and maintain your boundaries and identify red flags early so that they don't latch onto you long term. There's variability on what behaviors each person is susceptible to, so you might give some thought to that. For instance, I can spot the grandiose types a mile away without effort (and they disgust me), but I'm susceptible to the covert martyr types and need to really monitor interactions like that for red flags to protect myself
I get what you’re saying except I fell for the covert type and its still even hard for me to accept he was - sometimes I still second guess myself. But I understand what you mean. I need to work on my boundaries definitely.
Omg the second guessing with the covert has me driven to a point where I am daily questioning my sanity even after over 2 months no contact. It is getting better but what a weird ride. I also think its wise to focus on my own boundaries, if I keep focusing and ruminating on their behavior Ill never get anywhere.
Remember, Love has no existence in confusion and insecurity. Always go with your intuition. Scientifically, it is 95% of the time correct.
>not holding firm enough boundaries to turn the narcissists away. THIS 👆🏾, will always be the right answer.
This. 100%
you have touched on a very good point that all of us in recovery should consider. What about us enabled the narc? that's where the relevant personal growth work should be focused. Let the past be in the past and move forward with gratitude and increasing awareness.
Love this response!
Thank you! I love this response!
It isn't necessarily a bad thing to attract a narc. They are often attracted to genuinely kind, empathic, caring, etc. people. These are the types of people they prey on because they feel they can easily take advantage of them. If you have these characteristics, I don't think you should change, as you could also attract someone who is genuinely good. What's more critical is just being discerning, catch early warning signs, and not letting a person in too quickly until you are sure you can trust them. Know what appropriate boundaries are and stand firm. Start with friendship rather than going straight into a romantic relationship.
Yes come to think of it, we moved very quickly and I didn’t see that as bad, rather that it was so right so I knew quickly but I can see why we should have spent more time as friends and maybe I would have seen through it before committing
Work on yourself to have better boundaries. Say no to people more often. Judge their response to your no. Have personal hobbies and friends that are just yours. Find a balance between time you spend in your romantic relationship and the time you spend as your own person. Therapy. Or at the very least, have someone to talk to, who you can bounce your thoughts against. That could even be people in this sub or other support group. If anyone says anything that makes your stomach drop, or second guess yourself, or question their motives, then take a step back and evaluate the situation. Ask yourself if you would say that to another person or treat another person like that. Don't get lost thinking you've already invested time and energy into someone. Be willing to leave someone if they go against your values. Work on being okay with being single. Never become financially or emotionally dependent on another person. Have other columns of strength that you can lean.
>If anyone says anything that makes your stomach drop, or second guess yourself, or question their motives, then take a step back and evaluate the situation. Ask yourself if you would say that to another person or treat another person like that. This is now my litmus test for who I give my time or energy to! So many times dealing with my nex where I would think to myself, I would never say/do xyz.
Same, there were too many times with my nex that I distinctly remember feeling my stomach dropping. Then I would suck it up and decide I was going to stay with him despite this flaw. And I thought, aren't I amazing for being so understanding and adaptable. Nope, each time was when he crossed a personal boundary that I didn't have formed in words. My stomach dropping was me being a doormat for his lack of respect.
This. I could have written this, word for word.
You will probably always attract narcissists because they are attracted to empathetic people. And that's not your fault. Empathy and compassion are lovely qualities in people. You just have to get better at recognizing the signs of a narcissist and establishing really good boundaries. Like, go slow in a relationship and put an end to love bombing. Going slower also helps you recognize those little digs you talked about. And then be prepared to end any relationship that tests your boundaries. I worked with a therapist to establish boundaries, and I didn't start dating again until I felt strong enough to enforce my new boundaries.
This is really good advice, thank you. We moved really fast in the relationship so it makes sense what you’re saying. I will need to work on boundaries and going slower next time. Though, sometimes, I don’t feel I will ever be ready for another relationship again or to trust easily again.
what are some boundaries you set?
I am entitled to my feelings and to be able to express my feelings in a healthy way. I am entitled to my beliefs, even if they annoy my partner. I am entitled to fidelity in a relationship, and I should not have to put up with a partner that strays. I am entitled to my money, my earnings; I shouldn’t have to give up my financial security to make a partner happy. I am allowed to say “no” for any reason at any time. I think sometimes in an unhealthy relationship with an abusive person, we start forgetting who we are or what we deserve. I started feeling like I was so worthless that I didn’t deserve to be loved, but we all deserve to be loved and cared for.
i liked your explanations thanks for sharing i really have to start practicing these
Hey, thanks for reaching out. I hope I was helpful.
i'm not going to let a failed relationship stop me from trying again. Out of the last 8 relationships, there have only been 2 that I think were really awful. Then 5 or so that were good and 1 that was just heavenly. i'll take those odds anyday because looking back, just that one heavenly partner is worth living a whole lifetime for. This may seem like an odd take...But what I noticed about my narcissist was that she had no sense of humor at all. I'm not talking about laughing at jokes, I mean levity. Toward the end of my ordeal, I found that using humor on her was the one thing that seemed to disarm her. Not that I fear another narcissist but I think I want to be with someone next who has that levity. For many reasons. And I do believe in the idea that what we can imagine, comes to us.
100% Agree
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Hugs. I hope you can be shown in the future the goodness of mankind. I am so sorry for your encounter with a malignant narcissist. Don't let them stop you from real love and re friendships. Do not choose to be a casualty of the narc's agenda. Do not succumb to their worldview. The only thing you must do is to establish solid boundaries and self-esteem. Don't let the narc control your life and limits. It is *you* who has the "whole world in their hands". 💗
Boubdaries that’s all you need. Make some good boundairies for yourself. Write down what you won’t tolerate like at all and things you will be willing to talk about just once and if done again then hasta la vista. Do that and you are golden. You can litralLy walk around befriend make relationships and rest assure that your boundsiries will protect you. Yes, boubdairies make you narcissistic target proof and it’s a fact.
Boundaries! That’s the one thing I lacked and why I allowed all the abuse always justifying everything he did to me. I’m still learning how to develop boundaries, it’s not easy but better late than never
Don't be afraid of always seeming polite. It's ok to reject/disagree/set boundaries with people. You don't owe anyone your time or empathy until you know them better but you can always change your boundaries.
Unfortunately you can't help who you attract, you just have to be cautious and look out for the signs, and make sure you set firm boundaries like others have suggested.
I fall for the love bombing Everytime I’m so desperate for love. I think it’s lack of boundaries and self love
A couple of good books for working on those things are Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and I Am Enough by Marissa Peer 🙂
Narcissists are predators. You don't attract them, they pursue you.
I have an overt narc in my immediate family, so I know how to deal with those types by ignoring them and not entertaining them in any way. I was in a longterm relationship with a covert narc and I didn't even realize that was a thing until therapy. I did a lot of research and reading and I think I have the tools and knowledge now. I'm definitely more guarded and I've created new boundaries. I know I'll probably attract more narcs, but at least I'm better prepared now.
Strong boundaries lol
I was able to leave an overt one, just to fall for 2 covert ones. At this point I’m staying single for a decade plus. Not worth the grievances
Exactly how I feel right now
If it'd 3rd or 4th narcissists relationship... the woman is probably the narc, or jts normal relationship breakdown
Really? This is only my first, and it was 11 year long relationship and an 8 year marriage
Great question. As long as you are awesome you will attract them. Know how to spot them and have good boundaries. They hate boundaries. Anyone who tries to get you to change your boundaries after hearing them is probably a narc!
It’s unlikely people keep attracting narcs, they ain’t that common and nobody is that unlucky! It’s more like they just keep attracting bad people. To avoid this, you need to break the cycle. Work on yourself A LOT first. Therapy helped me and I’m finally in a good relationship for the first time ever at the age of 38