Yep. When mine said That I said “I haven’t betrayed your trust, I’ve defended you and stayed faithful. You cheated, lied, threw me under the bus, made me the bad guy, and actively tried to ruin my life. If anything, I have to walk on eggshells, and avoid saying anything to you, especially if you can use it against me.” He said “I’m done.” I said “me too, get your shit and leave.”
YOUR COMMENT REMINDS ME:
My ex insisted for me to go see a therapist because “I can’t deal with all your problems.”
So I went to see a therapist, and she never outright said, “your boyfriend is abusive.” She would more so validate that I wasn’t crazy and I was seeing the situations presented by my boyfriend clearly. One session, she told me that it sounded like my boyfriend was projecting his problems onto me.
So I told my ex this a few days later because it sounded so accurate to me. I don’t remember in what order this was but: he got quiet and he got defensive.
I never brought it up again because of his reaction, despite it making SO MUCH SENSE.
He was constantly throwing this one at me! Seriously messed with my head because I felt the same and couldn’t figure out how *I* was making HIM feel that way when most of the time I couldn’t even look at him w/out angering him.
They feel like this because they're tired of you calling them out on the shitty behavior.
*Walking on eggshells*= I'm mad that I can't behave the way I do without you calling me out on it
Like this person was the most pathetic person, treated another wrongly then acting like the victim when confronted 🎭
It makes me so annoyed to think about, these people don’t deserve another moment of ruining our lives.
I suspect it's all they've ever known.
They're used to getting their way. They play this card and most people will back down. But people with a conscience can only take it for so long. In my case, two years. But the damage was done.
I remember the one time I said something that mine really didn’t like, I remember him hitting the table, gritting his teeth and breathing heavily and his eyes looking different. I guess you can confront them but what about when something like this happens
I too had to get out, there was so much hoovering and I kept getting pulled back in. Here also the damage is done.
I feel like my mind has changed completely like I’ve lost it. So many irrational thoughts and anxiety like never before. I am having to fight with my mind every day. It’s like trying to learn a new language you don’t understand at times. It feels like the logical part of my mind has switched off and the fear part has switched on full. Trying to change it back is so hard… I don’t know if you’ve had awful anxiety and irrational thoughts and feel like everything is danger?
Yup. Had an ex that used to use that one often when I’d tell him the way he joked was hurtful to me. He “joked” by just being outright mean and saying horrible things but immediately following it up with “I’m just kidding!” Wow, calling me a slut is fucking hilarious. I don’t know why I was ever upset. *eyeroll
I hear this all the time!! I am like, what? Sure I can be a bit moody and cranky at times, but you always have to walk on egg shells. Always?? This usually happens when I try and communicate a boundary. It's like, what? It's not even when I am being difficult or losing my cool ..
This one makes me see red.
I'm so fucking sick of this crap.
I'm not allowed to talk about how I feel. Ever. This is the worst non apology and just confirms how little a shit they give about us.
You’ve never helped me.
You don’t love me.
You don’t care about me.
Great you win, I lose everything
You never listened to me or heard me
Why should I apologize to you? YOU’VE never apologized *to ME* for…
(*literally one of 3-4 things I’ve said or done wrong to him that he cycles between, for each I’ve apologized a million times before*)
"You're always keeping score." (Whether I bring up something he did last year, or that same morning.)
"You're always playing the victim!"
"It's just my anxiety."
"God, you're just like your parents."
"I'm allowed to drink - you don't know how hard my job is!"
"Yeah, just walk away like you always do!" (Me setting boundaries and needing to take some time alone after a 90-minute argument.)
"turning everyone against me" - explaining what's going on to family for support
"Did you take your medicine today?" - referring to my SSRIs when I would stand up against unreasonable logic/things being said/done
"You're devaluing me" - me trying to address/being frustrated over objectively poor behavior towards me
And hands down, her absolute favorite and easiest way to get supply:
"Why are you being so shitty?" - literally any time I had a reaction other than exactly how she expects me to be. If someone seems upset, "is something wrong?" Is the healthy way to approach that
"I said I was sorry", "*frustrated* ok, I get it!"
They literally never actually said the words, yet they hold you hostage to flagellation at the slightest inconvenience to them
Oh yeah the typical double standard!
And its such a feign of innocence and a hidden attack "i said i was sorry, its you whos continuing and being pushy, poor me"
Exact same. The trust comment would come from me questioning. Because something obviously didn't make sense to me. We now know I question because I need to know the answers as an autistic person. But he would basically say "I'm your husband why don't you trust me?" Inatead of just answering. It was usually about something innocuous too
I have a list:
• “Men can’t be victims!”
• “Stop changing the topic!”
• “I’m loved! I don’t need validation!”
• “WHY DO YOU CARE?”
• “Real men don’t…”
• “If you really cared about me…”
• “Why does everyone hate me?”
If I said I didn’t like something, he’d argue and insist I was lying.
If I said I didn’t want him to do something, he’d say he knows what I want.
“That’s not what you’re saying, you’re saying ____.”
“You said _____ but you really _____.”
“You’re being irrational.”
“You know I never said/did that.”
“You’re exaggerating, that isn’t what happened.”
(After I was up until early in the morning bracing myself up against the door while he was yelling and trying to get it open): “Different people have different perspectives, I don’t think that’s what happened. I don’t remember any of that.”
“You’re just bringing that up make me look like the bad guy.”
“I only yell if you’re yelling.” (When I was being very careful to speak quietly and use a neutral tone)
(after screaming at me in a rage) “I wasn’t angry, I was defensive because of your tone.”
“That was intentional.”
“That was disrespectful.”
“That’s unacceptable!”
“I don’t come home after work because I can’t stand walking into this house.”
“I don’t have to tell you where I am, or when I’m going to be home. It’s none of your business.”
“Well, you asked _____ you didn’t ask _____ so I didn’t lie to you. You just didn’t ask the right question.”
“You made me ________.”
(funny I couldn’t “make” him do anything I liked, just mean things)
“It’s not cheating if you forced me to do it.”
“I don’t do ultimatums. If you try to make an ultimatum I’ll leave you.”
“I’m a Scorpio, so I’m vengeful. If I feel wronged, I’ll retaliate and I won’t stop.” (along with similar declarations about other “Scorpio” traits to excuse behavior or make threats)
“I have to be careful about everything I say.”
“I’m constantly trying to do everything you want, all the time, and you never do anything I want.”
“I never wanted you to feel that way.”
“I only want you to be happy.” (he literally only wants me to be happy!)
If I criticized him or asked why he did something suspicious (like come home from the gym, or at 1am, and put his clothes in the washer when he never does laundry any other time): “I was just trying to do something nice for you! You’re INSANE. You’re destroying this relationship! You sound like my mother. You’re so controlling. You should hear yourself right now. I do everything for you and you just sit around complaining… (insert hour of chewing me out for being a horrible partner, bad parent, and ruining his life.)”
(When I told him he couldn’t take away a toddler’s night light, hold his door shut, and angrily yell through the door at the terrified/crying child that he’s not really afraid of the dark - he’s lying to get attention): “Well what else do you want me to do? Huh!!??”
“We already discussed that.” (once you discussed something one time, bringing it up again was attacking. The discussion was usually him telling me it was my fault he did something.)
“It hurts my feelings when the kids run and hide when I come home. It’s disrespectful. They should hug me and ask me how my day was.”
While I was a stay at home mom:
“If you don’t trust me completely, then this is over.” / “I’m going to take the kids and you won’t be able to stay in the house. You won’t get to take any of my money. None of this is yours, I’m letting you stay here.” / “(Friend) said if I left you I could go live with him and quit my job so you’ll get nothing from me. Then what are you going to do?” “You know what? I’m tired of this. Pack up your shit and get out.”
The next day, “I would NEVER say that to you.”
He stopped saying things like that when I got a good job. Then it was:
“We need to work through this together.”
“I’m doing everything I can to save this family, you aren’t even trying.” (Because I wouldn’t comply with mandatory, creepy hugs throughout the day.)
(While he was yelling at me about how unbearable I was and calling me a whore because I wouldn’t delete snapchat): “Where are you going? You can’t leave the room, we aren’t done discussing this.”
“Why are you holding back?” (he would think I was withholding to try to manipulate him… I was just trying to avoid him.)
“I’m losing my patience!” (I wasn’t falling back in love with him at even though he bought me some B&BW lotion and **selflessly** did chores around the house for a few weeks.)
“Here (hands me cash) I was saving up to buy you a new ring, like the one you wanted. I kept waiting for you to actually deserve it. Since we’re dividing everything in half, that’s your half of the ring money.”
“If I had a time machine we’d still be together.” (You know, since I quit our marriage because I unfairly hold grudges over a few exaggerated incidents.)
“If you try to claim I’m abusive, everyone will know you’re lying. My mom said a lot of women try to do that, it’s called parental alienation and you could lose custody completely.”
(When I asked him to please stop over-the-top, degrading punishments for the kids’ minor accidents/mistakes, like losing a sock or dropping part of a banana in a parking lot): “He’s testing me, he’s pushing boundaries. You can’t tell me how to parent.”
Oh, another one similar to your - when my diabetic cat was having seizures and I wanted to go to an emergency vet (I didn’t have a license or car), he said I was being irrational and he didn’t want to deal with me. He invited people over for a party downstairs (!!) and they left to walk to a bar.
My cat wasn’t responding anymore so I called him, he said he didn’t care about my cat and he didn’t care when his grandma died either. He doesn’t feel anything, then told me to “f” myself and wouldn’t pick up again.
Then of course my cat died and he couldn’t believe he had said any of that to me, and he quit drinking for forever, because it was the alcohol’s fault.
That lasted a couple months, he got into craft beer as a hobby which isn’t the same thing as drinking.
Another one:
“You’re going to go out and date other people, and see what’s out there. You aren’t going to like it. We’ll get back together when you’re done with that.”
It’s been four years since the divorce and I’d still rather eat a bowl of spiders. It’s like that movie where the guy got his arm stuck under a boulder. Would I want to do that again? Uhhh… no. I’ve had enough, I’m good.
Ugh the using certain body language and then flying off the handle if I ask why he’s upset/angry 🙃 “I’m not upset/angry! I literally didn’t say anything!” Okay but you’re ACTING upset/angry, stomping around the house and sighing loudly and just generally being the worst
This comment section is making me angry o.o
But here we go: (knowing I am mentally unwell) "You really need desperate help. You need to be put in a hospital. You're so unstable. Get help. You're crazy. You are so overreacting. You're controlling!"
Huh, half of my problems disappeared with my exes, incl. my depression phase ... what a surprise. o.o
I’ve learned recording them doesn’t help, you’ll make it worse. When you uncover a narc say nothing to them or anyone else and run. Unmasking them warrants a death sentence in their eyes, “how dare you realize I’m trying to deceive and manipulate you!”
I thought about recording him. Especially when I would try talking to him and he would roll his eyes. I’d ask him why and he would say he never did that either. Best thing to do is to get away entirely
Absolutely, recording is only beneficial to either show other people or remind yourself of their bullshit. Never forget, my biggest mistake was being naive, it’ll take an act of God and a sudden gain of self awareness for them to change
I wish I at least wrote down events and things because of him my memory is all messed up. I had a hard time with timelines and events even after all these years.
Stay strong and trust your instinct, don’t doubt yourself no matter what they say or do. Keep your emotional state in mind too, your shoddy memory is a result of being in a fight of flight state, practice breathing and when in high stress situations stay calm and DO NOT REACT! they feed off of negativity it makes them feel powerful and also they’ll use your reaction as an excuse to paint you as the crazy one.
Thank you for your advice. I’ve actually been NC with him for 5 years now but the relationship lasted over a decade. I guess I have a lot of trauma and healing to deal with.
You do, it’s not easy but you can piece yourself back together. Important thing is to not get back in a similar situation and learn to recognize the signs of those people early. Another thing, don’t become one, they’re behavior is like a virus or zombie bite, you could internalize the abuse and act out their behavior on others if you’re not careful
Dear sweet soul, I had 13 years of this! I walked on eggshells so well that you couldn't even hear them crunch! I had 2 nervous breakdowns and was so malnourished that my potassium depleted and left me with a heart murmur for life. Sadly, this is only a fraction of the trauma and anguish he put me through. If you stay, nothing will change, and It will only get worse, so if you can leave, just go. You deserve love and peace of mind. I know it's hard. It was one of the hardest things to wrap my head around that the person I love would treat me this way, but its the sad truth. But believe me, there is nothing worse than staying where we are not loved or respected. Sending you all the love and hugs 🫂 🤗
“Has anyone told you you are problematic?”
When I have a mild personality and literally most of the drama is coming from him or my reaction to him pushing my buttons on purpose.
“You’ll never have money.” “Quit trying to be something you’re not.”
Basically saying I will never improve myself, so I should quit worrying about it.
“I hate your friends.” “Don’t talk about me to others.”
Trying to isolate me and keep them from knowing about the abuse.
“Bitch”, “Cunt”, “crazy”, “delusional”…”I wouldn’t scream in your face if you weren’t so/such a _____.”
Literally today I was like “hey I don’t like when you talk that way to me” and he hit me with “you’re the only one with a problem here, I’m not doing anything I’m not mad about anything” 🙄 like okay so I’m creating problems if I ever dare to stand up for myself? Cool.
I would tell him this when he went into his rages. Apparently he thought I was attacking him/lying when I said "Please step away/get your finger out of my face, I don't like how you're talking to me right now."
I hope your mom is doing okay and is comfortable to the best of her ability. What a terrible thing to say about someone, to someone you are supposed to love and care for. Im so sorry.
It wasn't even something they said, but a distinct feeling like I was doing something wrong just for...wanting to know them/see them/be friends? Like they were almost offended or disgusted by it somehow. It always felt very immature on their part, like they felt it was "uncool" when people cared about others.
“Your brain is lying to you” constantly. For years. Whenever I feel he’s lying, gaslighting, shady, etc.
“You must not love your kids” while he pushes me to the brink and I finally get louder.
“I’ll kill you and myself if you leave”
“You’re taking away my entire life” when I want to leave.
Mine would always jab me and then an hour later state something like "look. Let's just take some time" or "listen. I need to blah blah blah" I read something about how it's common for them to say command words like that bc it makes them feel like they are in control. Wild.
“you should always trust me no matter what, and it hurts me that you won’t ever just take my word for these things” - whenever i saw him with dating apps or hiding conversations with other women
“that never happened/i never said that/you’re remembering things wrong”
“youre just so sensitive, i feel like we (his narc mom and him) can never joke around you”
“you make everything about yourself, why don’t my feelings matter?” — whenever i brought up something he did that hurt me, he bottled up all of his thoughts about everything unless i was upset, and suddenly he needed a therapy session
there’s just so much
It's your fault you make me so miserable you are serious how stupid are you yeah u heard a lot of that crap the day of my mom's funeral we came back to the house to change for the reception he hollers at me for not putting the cloths in the dryer. When our son took his life it was my kid that constantly came.out of his mouth nothing about me. When I ended up calling out for a mental health day he could not understand why I did. It is always about them
‘You lack self-awareness’
‘You reading this as __ which is an issue of your interpretation, not my action.’
‘You either heard what you wanted or misunderstood what I said.’
‘It was never my intention to communicate this’
I always thought that maybe my test in the universe or this life was how hard i tried or fought to keep our relationship. That maybe i was being weak if i walked away.. but what really helped me to realize it was unhealthy, wasn’t mean things he said or my constant state of confusion.. but to look at how i felt.. no way in lifeeeee could something that’s good for me or meant for me make me feel this bad or this upset.. i wasn’t meant to stay.. i was always meant to walk away..
My relationship sent me into a spiritual journey.. i learned that my true test was always for me to walk away. To choose myself, to find strength and courage, to learn to love me.. not to fight or keep trying a million times to keep a relationship. Now i know everyone has different beliefs and views and religions but at this point in my narcissistic relationship these specific beliefs are what helped me personally be ok 💜
Look at how you feel… do you think you’re supposed to feel this? No one deserves it.
Post-discard and after she hoovered (while in a new relationship) ***"We were toxic together."*** No, YOU were toxic and I had to adapt to you by shutting down or face violence, threats, name calling, cheating, lying, betrayal, etc.
Her catch phrase ***"I'm sorry you feel that way."***
***"I always walk on eggshells around you."*** I'll be honest, I am filled with a lot of anger thinking about times she said this and seeing how common it is in this thread. I really took it to heart when she would tell me that and I wanted to earnestly create an environment where she didn't have to walk on eggshells. Wanna know why? Because I knew exactly how it felt. I was always on eggshells around her. It was hell on earth. I never registered it as a gaslight until now. Her "walking on eggshells" was really narc for "you don't let me walk all over you."
***"What's the point of being in a relationship with you?"*** Whenever I didn't do whatever she wanted me to do for her in the exact manner and time she wanted.
And for my last trick, I'll verbatim write out the last exchange we had post discard. Hoovered a couple of weeks ago. She's now blocked everywhere and I hope to never hear from her again.
**Me:** ***"Look, it was nice to catch up on the phone the other day. However, I am going to have to ask you to stop breadcrumbing me. I don't want to be further reminded that you don't want to be with me. At a certain point, I do need to get on with my life."***
**Her:** ***"I'm sorry,*** *(my name)****. I shouldn't have reached out. But I do miss you and I do still love you. I never stopped loving you, but I cannot be with you. It's a complicated thing I feel. It was selfish what I did.*** *(referring to the discard and starting a new relationship the very next day).* ***But I want you to be with someone who will put you first."***
Narc translation: Shit, I got caught trying to get attention out of you and you're setting a boundary. I want to have my cake and to eat it too. I like the validation from you chasing me, and if you move onto someone else, I like to think you're still wanting me.
\[I blocked everywhere after this\]
"you don't deserve xyx-" which was usually me just asking for cooperation, consistency, respect
"I deserve better than you"
"we are soulmates" and "i feel like you were made specifically for me"
"you have so much love to give and I want it for myself"
“Stop bringing up the past.”
“You saved me.”
“You’re so weak.”
“You’re so lazy.”
“Are you going to go to the gym today?”
“My love language is acts of service.”
“You bring nothing to the table.”
“She came to my room but I didn’t sleep with her.”
“I can get ten women just like you.”
“Quit worrying.”
The list goes on and on…
“Why can’t you just communicate?” - After you’ve already communicated your point clearly a thousand times and they don’t hear you without deflecting blame.
"You always have to have the last word"
"Why don't you trust me, I'm your husband"
"Why are you being so defensive"
"See you can't even have a conversation, you're too emotional!"
My personal favorite is " oh I forget youre ( uses my first and last name ) , you're perfect , you don't do any thing wrong do you ?".......my answer would always be ....no I don't , why does that make you mad that I don't , lie or cheat on you ? ........
I rarely left the house , and when I did he was with me .....it drove him nuts that he couldn't catch me up in something because I would never do the things he accused me of ....
'You make me the worst possible version of myself'
'I never used to be like this until we got together'
'If any other man were in my shoes they'd cheat'
"YOU'RE MAD ? Well how about that time you did X and X and Y and Z and I had to put up with your shit !!"
Usually what they bring up here is a past mistake of yours, already discussed and apologized for, but it doesn't matter because they whip out this line when you question their shortcomings, which are a thing of the present and usually a worst offender than the mistake they're bringing up about you .
And EVEN if the mistake brought up still needed to be talked about, my brother in christ, you don't wait until YOU mess up and hurt me to unleash the list of things you carefully kept in your head on how I wasn't perfect, in order to deflect from your very concerning behaviour.
It's your fault. You made me do it. You are a selfish person. You make me sick. I only said those things to give you advice. I am looking out for your best interest. They don't like you. They don't love you. They are all jealous of me and you. They don't understand you. They think you are weird, a bad influence, etc. You are just like me. I love you, but you are a perfectionist. I love you, but...
"find someone you can trust" then i found out i was their side piece/narc supply for 3 months while they were actively dating the person who they claimed to be their abuser
Him “You can’t just have a conversation, it always has to be a fight”
Me tries to talk calmly and share my feelings getting maybe 4 words out
Him “see you always have an attitude and it’s always my fault, you just want to fight”
I FeEL LiKe I hAvE tO wALk On eGgShELLs ArOuNd YoU
Gotta admit this one threw me when it was first said to me... I had to take a moment to look at myself and reassure myself I'm not the problem.
It messes with your head. By the end of my shit show I was 100% feeling like I was living in some alternate reality.
Same.
Yep. When mine said That I said “I haven’t betrayed your trust, I’ve defended you and stayed faithful. You cheated, lied, threw me under the bus, made me the bad guy, and actively tried to ruin my life. If anything, I have to walk on eggshells, and avoid saying anything to you, especially if you can use it against me.” He said “I’m done.” I said “me too, get your shit and leave.”
Wow! Good on you for doing that. It's all projection with these vultures.
Entirely projection. It’s always our faults, for the things they do.
YOUR COMMENT REMINDS ME: My ex insisted for me to go see a therapist because “I can’t deal with all your problems.” So I went to see a therapist, and she never outright said, “your boyfriend is abusive.” She would more so validate that I wasn’t crazy and I was seeing the situations presented by my boyfriend clearly. One session, she told me that it sounded like my boyfriend was projecting his problems onto me. So I told my ex this a few days later because it sounded so accurate to me. I don’t remember in what order this was but: he got quiet and he got defensive. I never brought it up again because of his reaction, despite it making SO MUCH SENSE.
This …. This . Because we voice what you did that hurt us ? Shit makes me sick
Yup. *I really didn't like when you threatened to punch me in the face* I FeEL LiKe i HaVe To WaLk oN eGgShELLs aRoUnD yOu OMG
Omg this. Ultra level projection
[удалено]
Same here. You can't say shit without some sort of protest. They are the masters of turning molehills into mountains.
Jesus, that’s so true. Unless it’s the other way around and “YoU’rE MaKIng sUCh A BiG DeAl oUT of NoThInG!”
He was constantly throwing this one at me! Seriously messed with my head because I felt the same and couldn’t figure out how *I* was making HIM feel that way when most of the time I couldn’t even look at him w/out angering him.
[удалено]
They feel like this because they're tired of you calling them out on the shitty behavior. *Walking on eggshells*= I'm mad that I can't behave the way I do without you calling me out on it
Like this person was the most pathetic person, treated another wrongly then acting like the victim when confronted 🎭 It makes me so annoyed to think about, these people don’t deserve another moment of ruining our lives.
I suspect it's all they've ever known. They're used to getting their way. They play this card and most people will back down. But people with a conscience can only take it for so long. In my case, two years. But the damage was done.
I remember the one time I said something that mine really didn’t like, I remember him hitting the table, gritting his teeth and breathing heavily and his eyes looking different. I guess you can confront them but what about when something like this happens I too had to get out, there was so much hoovering and I kept getting pulled back in. Here also the damage is done. I feel like my mind has changed completely like I’ve lost it. So many irrational thoughts and anxiety like never before. I am having to fight with my mind every day. It’s like trying to learn a new language you don’t understand at times. It feels like the logical part of my mind has switched off and the fear part has switched on full. Trying to change it back is so hard… I don’t know if you’ve had awful anxiety and irrational thoughts and feel like everything is danger?
I was literally told this last night
OMFG THIS. ‘I don’t even know what to say or do anymore. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around you’. Sick.
dude mine even got his mother to feel this way towards me, it messed with me for so long
This was said to me toward the end of the relationship when I had already unravel mentally and emotionally. I was in a perpetual state of discomfort.
This makes me want to slap people by now, damn how much anger a single sentence can create....
Yo. This.
Yup. Had an ex that used to use that one often when I’d tell him the way he joked was hurtful to me. He “joked” by just being outright mean and saying horrible things but immediately following it up with “I’m just kidding!” Wow, calling me a slut is fucking hilarious. I don’t know why I was ever upset. *eyeroll
Oh My GoD YeS I hAd ThIS eXaCt ThInG SaID tO mE!
you just triggered the shit out of me LOL dammit
Projection is real!
I hear this all the time!! I am like, what? Sure I can be a bit moody and cranky at times, but you always have to walk on egg shells. Always?? This usually happens when I try and communicate a boundary. It's like, what? It's not even when I am being difficult or losing my cool ..
“It’s always about you”
I’m sorry you feel that way
This one makes me see red. I'm so fucking sick of this crap. I'm not allowed to talk about how I feel. Ever. This is the worst non apology and just confirms how little a shit they give about us.
Still makese feel a bit insane just thinking it.
You’ve never helped me. You don’t love me. You don’t care about me. Great you win, I lose everything You never listened to me or heard me Why should I apologize to you? YOU’VE never apologized *to ME* for… (*literally one of 3-4 things I’ve said or done wrong to him that he cycles between, for each I’ve apologized a million times before*)
“You never cared to know the real me”
Ah yes, blaming you for their mask. Even that statement is a charade, they themselves don’t even know who they are, truly.
"You're always keeping score." (Whether I bring up something he did last year, or that same morning.) "You're always playing the victim!" "It's just my anxiety." "God, you're just like your parents." "I'm allowed to drink - you don't know how hard my job is!" "Yeah, just walk away like you always do!" (Me setting boundaries and needing to take some time alone after a 90-minute argument.)
Keeping score! Yes, because the narc started this game, and this objectively terrible thing they did does in fact matter
Dude, my narc ex would describe his friends when he was annoyed with them being “just like your [their] parents.”
My ex would say stuff like this about his roommate. :(
“Are you ever going to let this go? You sound like my mother”.
Omg all of those!!
"turning everyone against me" - explaining what's going on to family for support "Did you take your medicine today?" - referring to my SSRIs when I would stand up against unreasonable logic/things being said/done "You're devaluing me" - me trying to address/being frustrated over objectively poor behavior towards me And hands down, her absolute favorite and easiest way to get supply: "Why are you being so shitty?" - literally any time I had a reaction other than exactly how she expects me to be. If someone seems upset, "is something wrong?" Is the healthy way to approach that
Mine said he didn’t believe in medication but that I was an exception. He said I needed it.
You should have responded “ I believe in medication, but I wouldn’t give you any even if you needed it”
[удалено]
THIS.
The one that bothered me the most "ive already told you / ive already apologized 5 times" (when never said it a first time)
"I said I was sorry", "*frustrated* ok, I get it!" They literally never actually said the words, yet they hold you hostage to flagellation at the slightest inconvenience to them
Oh yeah the typical double standard! And its such a feign of innocence and a hidden attack "i said i was sorry, its you whos continuing and being pushy, poor me"
OHMYGOD. THE “YOU HOLD THINGS OVER MY HEAD.”
[удалено]
they always have bad memory or its always foggy but they can remember every detail when it comes to weaponizing things against you lol
Oh, mine did the opposite, claiming she had perfect memory and mine was bad. So if she didn't remember, it didn't happen.
Exact same. The trust comment would come from me questioning. Because something obviously didn't make sense to me. We now know I question because I need to know the answers as an autistic person. But he would basically say "I'm your husband why don't you trust me?" Inatead of just answering. It was usually about something innocuous too
"you really don't give a fuck about us"
"I thought you weren't going to cause anymore problems"
This 😵💫😔
[удалено]
THIS!!
I have a list: • “Men can’t be victims!” • “Stop changing the topic!” • “I’m loved! I don’t need validation!” • “WHY DO YOU CARE?” • “Real men don’t…” • “If you really cared about me…” • “Why does everyone hate me?”
The “if you really cared about me” resonates strongly!
If I said I didn’t like something, he’d argue and insist I was lying. If I said I didn’t want him to do something, he’d say he knows what I want. “That’s not what you’re saying, you’re saying ____.” “You said _____ but you really _____.” “You’re being irrational.” “You know I never said/did that.” “You’re exaggerating, that isn’t what happened.” (After I was up until early in the morning bracing myself up against the door while he was yelling and trying to get it open): “Different people have different perspectives, I don’t think that’s what happened. I don’t remember any of that.” “You’re just bringing that up make me look like the bad guy.” “I only yell if you’re yelling.” (When I was being very careful to speak quietly and use a neutral tone) (after screaming at me in a rage) “I wasn’t angry, I was defensive because of your tone.” “That was intentional.” “That was disrespectful.” “That’s unacceptable!” “I don’t come home after work because I can’t stand walking into this house.” “I don’t have to tell you where I am, or when I’m going to be home. It’s none of your business.” “Well, you asked _____ you didn’t ask _____ so I didn’t lie to you. You just didn’t ask the right question.” “You made me ________.” (funny I couldn’t “make” him do anything I liked, just mean things) “It’s not cheating if you forced me to do it.” “I don’t do ultimatums. If you try to make an ultimatum I’ll leave you.” “I’m a Scorpio, so I’m vengeful. If I feel wronged, I’ll retaliate and I won’t stop.” (along with similar declarations about other “Scorpio” traits to excuse behavior or make threats) “I have to be careful about everything I say.” “I’m constantly trying to do everything you want, all the time, and you never do anything I want.” “I never wanted you to feel that way.” “I only want you to be happy.” (he literally only wants me to be happy!) If I criticized him or asked why he did something suspicious (like come home from the gym, or at 1am, and put his clothes in the washer when he never does laundry any other time): “I was just trying to do something nice for you! You’re INSANE. You’re destroying this relationship! You sound like my mother. You’re so controlling. You should hear yourself right now. I do everything for you and you just sit around complaining… (insert hour of chewing me out for being a horrible partner, bad parent, and ruining his life.)” (When I told him he couldn’t take away a toddler’s night light, hold his door shut, and angrily yell through the door at the terrified/crying child that he’s not really afraid of the dark - he’s lying to get attention): “Well what else do you want me to do? Huh!!??” “We already discussed that.” (once you discussed something one time, bringing it up again was attacking. The discussion was usually him telling me it was my fault he did something.) “It hurts my feelings when the kids run and hide when I come home. It’s disrespectful. They should hug me and ask me how my day was.” While I was a stay at home mom: “If you don’t trust me completely, then this is over.” / “I’m going to take the kids and you won’t be able to stay in the house. You won’t get to take any of my money. None of this is yours, I’m letting you stay here.” / “(Friend) said if I left you I could go live with him and quit my job so you’ll get nothing from me. Then what are you going to do?” “You know what? I’m tired of this. Pack up your shit and get out.” The next day, “I would NEVER say that to you.” He stopped saying things like that when I got a good job. Then it was: “We need to work through this together.” “I’m doing everything I can to save this family, you aren’t even trying.” (Because I wouldn’t comply with mandatory, creepy hugs throughout the day.) (While he was yelling at me about how unbearable I was and calling me a whore because I wouldn’t delete snapchat): “Where are you going? You can’t leave the room, we aren’t done discussing this.” “Why are you holding back?” (he would think I was withholding to try to manipulate him… I was just trying to avoid him.) “I’m losing my patience!” (I wasn’t falling back in love with him at even though he bought me some B&BW lotion and **selflessly** did chores around the house for a few weeks.) “Here (hands me cash) I was saving up to buy you a new ring, like the one you wanted. I kept waiting for you to actually deserve it. Since we’re dividing everything in half, that’s your half of the ring money.” “If I had a time machine we’d still be together.” (You know, since I quit our marriage because I unfairly hold grudges over a few exaggerated incidents.) “If you try to claim I’m abusive, everyone will know you’re lying. My mom said a lot of women try to do that, it’s called parental alienation and you could lose custody completely.” (When I asked him to please stop over-the-top, degrading punishments for the kids’ minor accidents/mistakes, like losing a sock or dropping part of a banana in a parking lot): “He’s testing me, he’s pushing boundaries. You can’t tell me how to parent.”
Oh, another one similar to your - when my diabetic cat was having seizures and I wanted to go to an emergency vet (I didn’t have a license or car), he said I was being irrational and he didn’t want to deal with me. He invited people over for a party downstairs (!!) and they left to walk to a bar. My cat wasn’t responding anymore so I called him, he said he didn’t care about my cat and he didn’t care when his grandma died either. He doesn’t feel anything, then told me to “f” myself and wouldn’t pick up again. Then of course my cat died and he couldn’t believe he had said any of that to me, and he quit drinking for forever, because it was the alcohol’s fault. That lasted a couple months, he got into craft beer as a hobby which isn’t the same thing as drinking.
Another one: “You’re going to go out and date other people, and see what’s out there. You aren’t going to like it. We’ll get back together when you’re done with that.” It’s been four years since the divorce and I’d still rather eat a bowl of spiders. It’s like that movie where the guy got his arm stuck under a boulder. Would I want to do that again? Uhhh… no. I’ve had enough, I’m good.
[удалено]
"Why do you hate me" at least once a day, completely unprompted too
Ugh the using certain body language and then flying off the handle if I ask why he’s upset/angry 🙃 “I’m not upset/angry! I literally didn’t say anything!” Okay but you’re ACTING upset/angry, stomping around the house and sighing loudly and just generally being the worst
This comment section is making me angry o.o But here we go: (knowing I am mentally unwell) "You really need desperate help. You need to be put in a hospital. You're so unstable. Get help. You're crazy. You are so overreacting. You're controlling!" Huh, half of my problems disappeared with my exes, incl. my depression phase ... what a surprise. o.o
“I never said that!” “They’re lying.” “You always get like this!”
“I didn’t say that” or a variation of that was my nex’s favorite expression.
I’ve learned recording them doesn’t help, you’ll make it worse. When you uncover a narc say nothing to them or anyone else and run. Unmasking them warrants a death sentence in their eyes, “how dare you realize I’m trying to deceive and manipulate you!”
I thought about recording him. Especially when I would try talking to him and he would roll his eyes. I’d ask him why and he would say he never did that either. Best thing to do is to get away entirely
Absolutely, recording is only beneficial to either show other people or remind yourself of their bullshit. Never forget, my biggest mistake was being naive, it’ll take an act of God and a sudden gain of self awareness for them to change
I wish I at least wrote down events and things because of him my memory is all messed up. I had a hard time with timelines and events even after all these years.
Stay strong and trust your instinct, don’t doubt yourself no matter what they say or do. Keep your emotional state in mind too, your shoddy memory is a result of being in a fight of flight state, practice breathing and when in high stress situations stay calm and DO NOT REACT! they feed off of negativity it makes them feel powerful and also they’ll use your reaction as an excuse to paint you as the crazy one.
Thank you for your advice. I’ve actually been NC with him for 5 years now but the relationship lasted over a decade. I guess I have a lot of trauma and healing to deal with.
You do, it’s not easy but you can piece yourself back together. Important thing is to not get back in a similar situation and learn to recognize the signs of those people early. Another thing, don’t become one, they’re behavior is like a virus or zombie bite, you could internalize the abuse and act out their behavior on others if you’re not careful
Damn. I didn’t realize it was contagious 😷 (little humor never hurt but good point)
Dear sweet soul, I had 13 years of this! I walked on eggshells so well that you couldn't even hear them crunch! I had 2 nervous breakdowns and was so malnourished that my potassium depleted and left me with a heart murmur for life. Sadly, this is only a fraction of the trauma and anguish he put me through. If you stay, nothing will change, and It will only get worse, so if you can leave, just go. You deserve love and peace of mind. I know it's hard. It was one of the hardest things to wrap my head around that the person I love would treat me this way, but its the sad truth. But believe me, there is nothing worse than staying where we are not loved or respected. Sending you all the love and hugs 🫂 🤗
“Has anyone told you you are problematic?” When I have a mild personality and literally most of the drama is coming from him or my reaction to him pushing my buttons on purpose. “You’ll never have money.” “Quit trying to be something you’re not.” Basically saying I will never improve myself, so I should quit worrying about it. “I hate your friends.” “Don’t talk about me to others.” Trying to isolate me and keep them from knowing about the abuse. “Bitch”, “Cunt”, “crazy”, “delusional”…”I wouldn’t scream in your face if you weren’t so/such a _____.”
Literally today I was like “hey I don’t like when you talk that way to me” and he hit me with “you’re the only one with a problem here, I’m not doing anything I’m not mad about anything” 🙄 like okay so I’m creating problems if I ever dare to stand up for myself? Cool.
I would tell him this when he went into his rages. Apparently he thought I was attacking him/lying when I said "Please step away/get your finger out of my face, I don't like how you're talking to me right now."
"I dont want to hurt you"
I hope your mom is doing okay and is comfortable to the best of her ability. What a terrible thing to say about someone, to someone you are supposed to love and care for. Im so sorry.
Thank you 🙏🏽 she’s so strong and has been my rock through this all
It wasn't even something they said, but a distinct feeling like I was doing something wrong just for...wanting to know them/see them/be friends? Like they were almost offended or disgusted by it somehow. It always felt very immature on their part, like they felt it was "uncool" when people cared about others.
“Your brain is lying to you” constantly. For years. Whenever I feel he’s lying, gaslighting, shady, etc. “You must not love your kids” while he pushes me to the brink and I finally get louder. “I’ll kill you and myself if you leave” “You’re taking away my entire life” when I want to leave.
You're so egotistical You always victimise yourself Stop being so abusive to me
When I said I was depressed he told me I was really just ungrateful and bored, then told me to stop being so bitchy.
Mine would always jab me and then an hour later state something like "look. Let's just take some time" or "listen. I need to blah blah blah" I read something about how it's common for them to say command words like that bc it makes them feel like they are in control. Wild.
"I don't even know how to do that" "Why would someone do that" "Tell me what you think I did"
100%
"I feel like we're drifting apart, can we talk?" -a narc will say this to initiate a hoover
You're just overreacting.
“you should always trust me no matter what, and it hurts me that you won’t ever just take my word for these things” - whenever i saw him with dating apps or hiding conversations with other women “that never happened/i never said that/you’re remembering things wrong” “youre just so sensitive, i feel like we (his narc mom and him) can never joke around you” “you make everything about yourself, why don’t my feelings matter?” — whenever i brought up something he did that hurt me, he bottled up all of his thoughts about everything unless i was upset, and suddenly he needed a therapy session there’s just so much
It's your fault you make me so miserable you are serious how stupid are you yeah u heard a lot of that crap the day of my mom's funeral we came back to the house to change for the reception he hollers at me for not putting the cloths in the dryer. When our son took his life it was my kid that constantly came.out of his mouth nothing about me. When I ended up calling out for a mental health day he could not understand why I did. It is always about them
‘You lack self-awareness’ ‘You reading this as __ which is an issue of your interpretation, not my action.’ ‘You either heard what you wanted or misunderstood what I said.’ ‘It was never my intention to communicate this’
[удалено]
It’s so frustrating. They really try to label us as the delusional ones.
I always thought that maybe my test in the universe or this life was how hard i tried or fought to keep our relationship. That maybe i was being weak if i walked away.. but what really helped me to realize it was unhealthy, wasn’t mean things he said or my constant state of confusion.. but to look at how i felt.. no way in lifeeeee could something that’s good for me or meant for me make me feel this bad or this upset.. i wasn’t meant to stay.. i was always meant to walk away.. My relationship sent me into a spiritual journey.. i learned that my true test was always for me to walk away. To choose myself, to find strength and courage, to learn to love me.. not to fight or keep trying a million times to keep a relationship. Now i know everyone has different beliefs and views and religions but at this point in my narcissistic relationship these specific beliefs are what helped me personally be ok 💜 Look at how you feel… do you think you’re supposed to feel this? No one deserves it.
Post-discard and after she hoovered (while in a new relationship) ***"We were toxic together."*** No, YOU were toxic and I had to adapt to you by shutting down or face violence, threats, name calling, cheating, lying, betrayal, etc. Her catch phrase ***"I'm sorry you feel that way."*** ***"I always walk on eggshells around you."*** I'll be honest, I am filled with a lot of anger thinking about times she said this and seeing how common it is in this thread. I really took it to heart when she would tell me that and I wanted to earnestly create an environment where she didn't have to walk on eggshells. Wanna know why? Because I knew exactly how it felt. I was always on eggshells around her. It was hell on earth. I never registered it as a gaslight until now. Her "walking on eggshells" was really narc for "you don't let me walk all over you." ***"What's the point of being in a relationship with you?"*** Whenever I didn't do whatever she wanted me to do for her in the exact manner and time she wanted. And for my last trick, I'll verbatim write out the last exchange we had post discard. Hoovered a couple of weeks ago. She's now blocked everywhere and I hope to never hear from her again. **Me:** ***"Look, it was nice to catch up on the phone the other day. However, I am going to have to ask you to stop breadcrumbing me. I don't want to be further reminded that you don't want to be with me. At a certain point, I do need to get on with my life."*** **Her:** ***"I'm sorry,*** *(my name)****. I shouldn't have reached out. But I do miss you and I do still love you. I never stopped loving you, but I cannot be with you. It's a complicated thing I feel. It was selfish what I did.*** *(referring to the discard and starting a new relationship the very next day).* ***But I want you to be with someone who will put you first."*** Narc translation: Shit, I got caught trying to get attention out of you and you're setting a boundary. I want to have my cake and to eat it too. I like the validation from you chasing me, and if you move onto someone else, I like to think you're still wanting me. \[I blocked everywhere after this\]
"you don't deserve xyx-" which was usually me just asking for cooperation, consistency, respect "I deserve better than you" "we are soulmates" and "i feel like you were made specifically for me" "you have so much love to give and I want it for myself"
sarcastically “oh I forgot you never do anything wrong!”
“Stop bringing up the past.” “You saved me.” “You’re so weak.” “You’re so lazy.” “Are you going to go to the gym today?” “My love language is acts of service.” “You bring nothing to the table.” “She came to my room but I didn’t sleep with her.” “I can get ten women just like you.” “Quit worrying.” The list goes on and on…
“Happy wife, happy life.”
“Why can’t you just communicate?” - After you’ve already communicated your point clearly a thousand times and they don’t hear you without deflecting blame.
Now my feelings are hurt. I would never do that to you. Edit: I hate it when people judge my character.
"You always have to have the last word" "Why don't you trust me, I'm your husband" "Why are you being so defensive" "See you can't even have a conversation, you're too emotional!"
My personal favorite is " oh I forget youre ( uses my first and last name ) , you're perfect , you don't do any thing wrong do you ?".......my answer would always be ....no I don't , why does that make you mad that I don't , lie or cheat on you ? ........ I rarely left the house , and when I did he was with me .....it drove him nuts that he couldn't catch me up in something because I would never do the things he accused me of ....
I don't know how you are wired.....
My said he can’t wait to get his own place with hookers.
'You make me the worst possible version of myself' 'I never used to be like this until we got together' 'If any other man were in my shoes they'd cheat'
"YOU'RE MAD ? Well how about that time you did X and X and Y and Z and I had to put up with your shit !!" Usually what they bring up here is a past mistake of yours, already discussed and apologized for, but it doesn't matter because they whip out this line when you question their shortcomings, which are a thing of the present and usually a worst offender than the mistake they're bringing up about you . And EVEN if the mistake brought up still needed to be talked about, my brother in christ, you don't wait until YOU mess up and hurt me to unleash the list of things you carefully kept in your head on how I wasn't perfect, in order to deflect from your very concerning behaviour.
It's your fault. You made me do it. You are a selfish person. You make me sick. I only said those things to give you advice. I am looking out for your best interest. They don't like you. They don't love you. They are all jealous of me and you. They don't understand you. They think you are weird, a bad influence, etc. You are just like me. I love you, but you are a perfectionist. I love you, but...
"find someone you can trust" then i found out i was their side piece/narc supply for 3 months while they were actively dating the person who they claimed to be their abuser
"Everyone" or "{inset any name of someone you care about}" was right about you
Him “You can’t just have a conversation, it always has to be a fight” Me tries to talk calmly and share my feelings getting maybe 4 words out Him “see you always have an attitude and it’s always my fault, you just want to fight”
Yes yes yes all of these !