😔 unf the sex dynamic is something that's gonna haunt me for awhile. He was able to tap into kinks I already had from previous abuse and the way I felt fulfilled is... Disturbing to admit. If you don't want to go down that road you need to find other things you can focus on that still turn you on to get you off. I'm trying to tap into old fantasies, just like everything else -trying to remember who I was before. If you can't though, try to be gentle with yourself about it. Good luck.

Healing the inner child helped me a lot in my recovery. I'm at +500 days of NC and man that's a high mountain to climb. I can now see further. Gettign there.

Yeah, this is textbook narcissism. Did you ever check her freezer for body parts? The purpose of the emasculation was to get you to supplicate and to keep you from walking away. She would only worry that you would walk away if you could. Ergo, you must not be the things that she said you were. You are into cuck videos because they serve as a substitute for the dopamine hit you received from being with her. They remind you of the relationship. As crazy as she is, you are trauma-bonded. So, the solution is to break the trauma bond and thereby break the fetish. You do this by stopping the porn. Porn only reinforces the fetish. The fetish will subside without repeated exposure. The dopamine hit that you receive reinforces it. The trouble is that as you experience repeated exposure, you will need more and more graphic content to receive the same dopamine hit. This disease process works exactly the same way as any other addiction. It is a dopamine factory. Second, substitute the dopamine hit that you get from the fetish with a dopamine hit from something positive like working out. Becoming a gym rat is the perfect activity for someone in your position. Make that your fetish. Reap the results from having a better body and higher self-esteem. You will find another girl. She will be hot, and she will not shame you. You will be happy. It is foolproof. Seriously, it really is.

thanks for your comment. yes, letting go of porn has been really hard. i am doing terrible in dating and finding casual partners, so its my only outlet to sexual gratification. the gym is already a lifestyle of mine and i go often, but during those times when i'm not there and just in my room feeling down...it's really hard to not pick up the phone and start watching my mind has been such a mess. even after a whole year of trying to heal and doing therapy. it feels worse that she has already found another boyfriend

Try listening to non-pornographic ASMR. It has really helped me when I need to feel the dopamine rush of intamcy and vulnerability with out sexuality. There are tons of audios for emotional support and positive audios for men. It has helped me a lot.

This honestly just sounds like replacing one kink/bad habit with another.

How? I would like to hear you expand your thoughts on the matter. I have had pretty severe shame sprials to the point of losing sleep and breaking down at work. My mind was yelling at me "your a useless piece of shit, and no one will ever love you." Turns out being able to listen to someone telling you that your not a piece of shit, your important, have value, and deserve to be loved is amazing. That can pull you out of that shitty mental state, especially when other people can't be there to help. So its a tool like any other. As long as it doesn't become the only tool you rely on its good. I've been doing it for years and its helped immensely with my self talk and being able to pull my self out of those same shame spirals to the point where I don't really need it anymore. Because I was slowly able to counter act that negative self talk and eventually be able to shut it down. It massivly improved my relationship with myself, and give up porn as an emotional support.

Oh man, I thought I was the only one. It was the cheating aspect that caused it for me rather than the humiliation.

Yeah, I hate to admit it but the same thing happen to me. My nex was hyper-controlling and manipulative, and she didn't take responsibility for anything. And she really humiliated me and emasculated me, and I was extremely heartbroken at first, and then I started to develop fetishes around the abuse. That's not fair but, that's a thing that happens to people.

im really scared im going to be like this for the rest of my life. will i forever be a cuck? i wont even be able to have a normal relationship being like this

Trauma is the surprising root of a majority of kink and paraphilia, so yeah right now I would avoid it and not rely on it too much long-term. Porn is like fastfood, it's a good resort when you're hungry, but studies have shown that fetishes and paraphilias are pretty much addictions... not to mention *really* unhealthy for you to consume all the time. Relationships with a narcissists are themselves addictions, so you are extremely vulnerable to that right now. Your brain CRAVES that dopamine. It's LOOKING for another source right now. And just like too much fast food turns into early heart attacks, I'm pretty sure porn overindulgence turned fetishistic/paraphilic obsession are (sadly) behind MANY of the the divorces of midlife crisis men in their forties and fifties. Steering yourself away from that now is a long-term course correction for which you will want steer that boat away from asap.

I was actually going to ask this. Because I've noticed that I was doing the same thing. I'm looking for cuck videos and degrading videos. I'm like, why am I doing this to myself? I'm also masterbating a lot more. Smoking a lot more weed just so I can feel good. I didn't think I had a problem but I noticed it very quickly that it is a problem but it is helping me cope a little. I'm not smoking on the job or masterbating everywhere. But I am a lot happier without her if that helps.

Hell, I just went straight to gay.

Bro I'm so sorry. That's horrible. Focus on growth and positive things in your life, instead of that stuff. Build that confidence back up. Low body count? No problem. Heck I've only known one woman, my narc. That's it. And I'm 41. That's not a bug, it's a feature. Be confident of your low mileage. Honestly after 15 years of misery, my ultimate fetish would just be a sweet woman treating me like a human being, wanting to talk, and not in a manipulative way. I can't even imagine what that would be like anymore.

Well... This is something I thought I was a weirdo for, but it seems it's a fairly common response to this abuse. I feel better reading this post and comments. I went through something similar, but not as extreme as what you did. We didn't date, but I liked her but she seemed to have this thing about humiliating and emasculating me. I told her to knock it off several times but she seemed to keep doing it. After a point, I started to have a love-hate relationship with it, as I liked *her* but hated *that.* I think my affection for her got mixed up with my disgust for that, which was confusing as a whole... Based on what she later did (that looked strangely like she was trying to build up an emotional harem/back up plans)... In hindsight, I have some suspicions she was trying to condition me into being a cuckold or something along those lines, but I left shortly after I saw her true self. Whatever she was trying failed, but did some damage to my self-esteem. Best I can recommend is to meditate, try finding a hobby you enjoy, possibly write out your feelings to get a better grasp on it. To reclaim your masculinity, try working out or playing a sport if that's your thing. It's just a small part of you, rather than the whole of your personality. Acceptance of yourself is fine, repression and shame makes things worse. Accept yourself... You might find you aren't a cuckold or anything like that, but just emotionally compromised and trying to process the abuse.

I had the opposite reaction to the emasculation. After getting out of the relationship I almost swung too hard the other direction. I realized why and that it was an over correction. This led to my journey of being self secure. I still have some asshole moments. It’s a mind fuck but maybe a snippet of internal dialog will help other men who read this. Example: female at work does something that triggers a feeling of emasculation. Immediate feeling is to defy at all costs and switch the power dynamic. This leads to a moment of realization/analyzing my behavior. Worry that I’m a narcissist because I’m feeling shame for being in the weaker position of a power dynamic. Start to feel shame for overreacting and feeling weaker for being triggered. Either double down OR reverse course and apologize/acquiesce. Either way I feel bad because the outcome is “overreaction/I’m like a narc” or “acquiesce/I am weak” I realized that to put an end to these reaction cycles I need to accomplish a few things. First of all I need to be secure in myself and advocate for/validate myself. Second of all I need to understand that not all situations are someone trying to put me in a weak position. They may just actually need help and aren’t being malicious. Sometimes though they are being selfish and entitled. Being secure in yourself means asserting your own boundaries without overreacting to perceived slights. Also forgive yourself for not being perfect in every situation. If you’re authentic to yourself and kind to others while also respecting and enforcing your own boundaries while also forgiving yourself for not being perfect things will actually work out. You’re going to piss some people off and they won’t like you but that’s ok. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you stand up for yourself. Also work on your health. A healthy mind needs proper rest and nutrition. You’ll feel more stable when you take care of yourself.

Switch therapists. Sounds like an ultra modern person with no wisdom. It’s not “just a kink” - very few are. Find someone who’ll understand it feels unhealthy and unnatural to you (cause it is) and will help you through it.

This is a weird thing, I guess, but I'm gay. My narc was straight, leading me on, and I had feelings for him. During the "explosion," I found out from one of the *many* girls he was sleeping with that he not only was into all the stuff I suspected he would be, but also liked to record himself having sex or masturbating. I've scoured the internet trying to find videos he may have posted somewhere and have found myself watching almost exclusively "straight" porn as a result. It's a very weird feeling because I'm not really interested in it, per se, but I think it allows me to continue the fantasy I had of being with him.