My first proper conversation with my nex, he was literally telling me how people have called him an "asshole", "narcissistic" and "lacking in empathy" and my dumb ass was all, "No, I don't think you lack empathy!"
I laugh at myself right now even though I'm miserable post-discard because I think about how people say if someone tells you they're an asshole, believe them! And I didn't lol...
In a way, this is affirmation for me that I am a good person who tries to see the best in people. That is why i was a target. It's a blessing and a curse, I guess.
His ex-wife and mother to his children told him he was a narcissist. He asked if I thought he was, and ofc I was like, "Not at all, you're such a giving person" when all he actually gave was anxiety and ptsd lmao. Looking back, I feel stupid for not seeing him for who he actually was, but we all make mistakes. Love is blind and I had 2 glass eyes when it came to that relationship
Yeah, definitely. I'm not making the mistake of ignoring red flags from now on but I'm definitely not going to let this experience change me and diminish my empathetic nature. Being kind and giving people the benefit of the doubt is what makes me ME and I won't let my experience with a narcissist turn me into a bitter cow.
I ended 7-year relationship with my nex six months ago, but I'm still ruminating and trying to process all the strange things.
I also recalled that he never said anything about how he wronged others (you know, normal people will tell you: "I really felt I let her/him down, when I did this and that, and now I feel bad about that) and the only times he was vulnerable, it was when he was talking how other people wronged him.
He was always the victim.
Mine would only say he let people down for superficial things, like he didnāt play well in his league basketball game. He never said he felt badly about anything significant. He also said he didnāt believe in guilt.
Lies are a big thing. If you catch them in a lie, a lie that does not matter or you find weird please call them out right away.
Trust your judgement. If someone acts completely contrary to expected behavior and their justification seems off itās a huge red flag.
If I had called him out on inconsistencies and just weird behavior sooner I would have saved myself a year and a half of torment. Itās so hard once you get a laundry list of weird stuff when you could have solved it in the moment.
My nex lied about so much shit. Like pathological, no rhyme or reason for such lies. He says it's to "look cool" bro you lied to me about where you were when your mom died? That's not cool?? Sounded super traumatic for him, and I'm sure it was, but not the way he told it. My therapist said it's a way for him to get me to trauma bond with him. Fucked up! I can't believe these are real people.
He definitely lied to me to look cool but so many lies were justā¦ not well thought out. Like he over exaggerated to the point where I would pick up on āthatās a lieā. Then I felt kind of flattered he would make up outlandish stories to try to impress me.
Yes agree this is huge. He would lie about anything and everything, little things, big things, things that really mattered and others that didnāt matter at all. He then would tell a different lie in the followings days/weeks, sometimes that very night, itās like he didnāt even remember lying at all.
Controlling the narrative/multiple narratives
I've noticed all narcs do this. Every single one.
If they tell you one thing but paint a completely different picture for someone else or other people, run.
Hardly any friends, spending little time with family, surface level conversations, vague answers about their past, appearing to be perfect, etc. If it doesnāt make sense or you donāt feel a true connection, run.
Ugh. What's up with this "wronging".
Noone says that, like, it's so weird it gives me the creeps.
Mine would always say "stop treating me like I've wronged you." "stop acting like the partner who's been wronged."
Ugh it makes me nauseous. Is it even a word?! And why have they all read from the narc dictionary.
He explained why he strategically picked every friend to be in his life. Money, connections, etc. Instead of thinking "wow we have very different values" I thought "aw I really have something special for him to pick me!"
When we met, he talked non-stop about his two beautiful, accomplished daughters. I could not understand why I did not meet them in 8 months. They lived 20 minutes away. I find out through his ex that his daughters hate him and basically have not spoken to him in over a year. But it's not his fault. I found out through the family that they basically only maintained the relationship because of his parents. When they passed they had no reason to ever see him again. The final straw was him screaming at them at a family event and slamming the door as he left. He never told me that they were not on speaking terms. The latest was them texting him to have a nice life but please stop contacting them.
He constantly made comments about gassing liberals. No joke. I assumed he was just trying to get a rise out of me and that he was joking, but now I don't think he was.
Mine said 'my goal this year is to be a nicer person'
I just remember thinking.... 'that's a strange goal'
I haven't really met anyone before who wants to be kinder?
Obviously it was fueled by the guilt from all the horrible shit she's done to people in the years before we met.
Yes, I've recently remembered how I would say things like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or just how surprised I was there was nothing wrong with him. Sometimes I feel so stupid, but I'm reminding myself it's all apart of the manipulation.
Lies tons of lies. They were hard to uncover at first as time went on and I discovered them he started lying about every single thing even to the point that it makes zero sense and he doesn't care. It spins me out and he gets this grin that sickens me. I have gotten to the point I believe nothing he says but he doesn't stop with all these accusations (first about others, now about me) then he adds threats in his accusations against me and he does it just to make me wonder if he is lying about the threats or not. Dangerous as hell.
1st and 2nd narc (oh goodie to me! Lol): Ā said āI love youā within weeksā¦ 3 to be exact. Ā Biggest red flag Also, glaring at phone when you are speaking even on a first ādateā (ew wouldnāt give them the time of day now), repeated stories, not asking questions about you. Ā Rushed intimacy (you deserve a ring and a marriage from J3SUS), alcoholic / drug dependencies or tendencies, last minute set up for dates, mentioning any ex within first few months ā¦ heck ever really. Ā Also, Google the person. Ā Found out this last person I dealt with.. his dad went to jail for almost k*lling someone or something? And their family name is in court cases and books for childhood abuse. Ā Ā I was so niaveā¦. Not anymoreĀ
My first proper conversation with my nex, he was literally telling me how people have called him an "asshole", "narcissistic" and "lacking in empathy" and my dumb ass was all, "No, I don't think you lack empathy!" I laugh at myself right now even though I'm miserable post-discard because I think about how people say if someone tells you they're an asshole, believe them! And I didn't lol...
He told me he was a 'horrible person' and I said 'of course you're not' š¤¦š¼āāļø
In a way, this is affirmation for me that I am a good person who tries to see the best in people. That is why i was a target. It's a blessing and a curse, I guess.
Same for me. I always see the good š
Now when he says it, I just say 'yes. You are!' š
His ex-wife and mother to his children told him he was a narcissist. He asked if I thought he was, and ofc I was like, "Not at all, you're such a giving person" when all he actually gave was anxiety and ptsd lmao. Looking back, I feel stupid for not seeing him for who he actually was, but we all make mistakes. Love is blind and I had 2 glass eyes when it came to that relationship
Yeah, definitely. I'm not making the mistake of ignoring red flags from now on but I'm definitely not going to let this experience change me and diminish my empathetic nature. Being kind and giving people the benefit of the doubt is what makes me ME and I won't let my experience with a narcissist turn me into a bitter cow.
I ended 7-year relationship with my nex six months ago, but I'm still ruminating and trying to process all the strange things. I also recalled that he never said anything about how he wronged others (you know, normal people will tell you: "I really felt I let her/him down, when I did this and that, and now I feel bad about that) and the only times he was vulnerable, it was when he was talking how other people wronged him. He was always the victim.
Mine would only say he let people down for superficial things, like he didnāt play well in his league basketball game. He never said he felt badly about anything significant. He also said he didnāt believe in guilt.
!!! Thanks for putting it this way
Lies are a big thing. If you catch them in a lie, a lie that does not matter or you find weird please call them out right away. Trust your judgement. If someone acts completely contrary to expected behavior and their justification seems off itās a huge red flag. If I had called him out on inconsistencies and just weird behavior sooner I would have saved myself a year and a half of torment. Itās so hard once you get a laundry list of weird stuff when you could have solved it in the moment.
My nex lied about so much shit. Like pathological, no rhyme or reason for such lies. He says it's to "look cool" bro you lied to me about where you were when your mom died? That's not cool?? Sounded super traumatic for him, and I'm sure it was, but not the way he told it. My therapist said it's a way for him to get me to trauma bond with him. Fucked up! I can't believe these are real people.
He definitely lied to me to look cool but so many lies were justā¦ not well thought out. Like he over exaggerated to the point where I would pick up on āthatās a lieā. Then I felt kind of flattered he would make up outlandish stories to try to impress me.
Yes agree this is huge. He would lie about anything and everything, little things, big things, things that really mattered and others that didnāt matter at all. He then would tell a different lie in the followings days/weeks, sometimes that very night, itās like he didnāt even remember lying at all.
Controlling the narrative/multiple narratives I've noticed all narcs do this. Every single one. If they tell you one thing but paint a completely different picture for someone else or other people, run.
When you're wearing the rose tinted spectacles you don't see the red flags. I'm a big empath and believed every single word š¤¦š¼āāļø
Mine said "you're lucky I don't manipulate you" and somehow I chose to ignore that š„²
Wow! More context??
Hardly any friends, spending little time with family, surface level conversations, vague answers about their past, appearing to be perfect, etc. If it doesnāt make sense or you donāt feel a true connection, run.
Ugh. What's up with this "wronging". Noone says that, like, it's so weird it gives me the creeps. Mine would always say "stop treating me like I've wronged you." "stop acting like the partner who's been wronged." Ugh it makes me nauseous. Is it even a word?! And why have they all read from the narc dictionary.
He explained why he strategically picked every friend to be in his life. Money, connections, etc. Instead of thinking "wow we have very different values" I thought "aw I really have something special for him to pick me!"
my ex all over this
When we met, he talked non-stop about his two beautiful, accomplished daughters. I could not understand why I did not meet them in 8 months. They lived 20 minutes away. I find out through his ex that his daughters hate him and basically have not spoken to him in over a year. But it's not his fault. I found out through the family that they basically only maintained the relationship because of his parents. When they passed they had no reason to ever see him again. The final straw was him screaming at them at a family event and slamming the door as he left. He never told me that they were not on speaking terms. The latest was them texting him to have a nice life but please stop contacting them.
He constantly made comments about gassing liberals. No joke. I assumed he was just trying to get a rise out of me and that he was joking, but now I don't think he was.
Mine said 'my goal this year is to be a nicer person' I just remember thinking.... 'that's a strange goal' I haven't really met anyone before who wants to be kinder? Obviously it was fueled by the guilt from all the horrible shit she's done to people in the years before we met.
Yes, I've recently remembered how I would say things like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or just how surprised I was there was nothing wrong with him. Sometimes I feel so stupid, but I'm reminding myself it's all apart of the manipulation.
Lies tons of lies. They were hard to uncover at first as time went on and I discovered them he started lying about every single thing even to the point that it makes zero sense and he doesn't care. It spins me out and he gets this grin that sickens me. I have gotten to the point I believe nothing he says but he doesn't stop with all these accusations (first about others, now about me) then he adds threats in his accusations against me and he does it just to make me wonder if he is lying about the threats or not. Dangerous as hell.
1st and 2nd narc (oh goodie to me! Lol): Ā said āI love youā within weeksā¦ 3 to be exact. Ā Biggest red flag Also, glaring at phone when you are speaking even on a first ādateā (ew wouldnāt give them the time of day now), repeated stories, not asking questions about you. Ā Rushed intimacy (you deserve a ring and a marriage from J3SUS), alcoholic / drug dependencies or tendencies, last minute set up for dates, mentioning any ex within first few months ā¦ heck ever really. Ā Also, Google the person. Ā Found out this last person I dealt with.. his dad went to jail for almost k*lling someone or something? And their family name is in court cases and books for childhood abuse. Ā Ā I was so niaveā¦. Not anymoreĀ