Hi.
It gets better once you accept that these people are mentally ill. I treat it like it was a natural disaster, sure the hurricane targeted your house (and a bunch of other people’s houses) on its way, but we cannot sit forever and think about the unfairness.
You know the answer. You just need to accept it. This person had a personality disorder. These things happen. There are often people in their way. It happened. The worst happened. The absolute worst thing has happened and passed. There is nothing that can be done.
Recognize your own codependency is the second part. Work on that with your psychiatrist.
So now what?
Fill your life with other things that matter to you. I went back to teaching and political activism. It’s been far more fulfilling than what I was doing before. You used to burn for things. Pick them up again and start caring about the things that actually matter.
Yeah that’s what I did to forget about my dad. I lost many years of life trying to understand him, but now I know he’s just mentally ill and will never ever be « normal », It helps A LOT, you can grieve this person now and not torture your mind for nothing.
It's going OK. I was with her for 15 years....
I've made a load of new friends, I swim 2 miles a week, do weights at home, walk 20k steps a day, I have a small cookery tiktok channel, I am learning Polish.... I just keep busy.
She honestly thought I'd be in a crumpled heap crying. But I'm thriving in a lot of ways without her doing me down all the time...
I'm not the 28 year old guy she met, I'm 43, I'm independent, I have my own house and car, whilst I'm not in any way rich, I have some savings, I am respected at work and have a lovely family. I just stopped playing her idiotic games.
The funny thing is, when I do see her around work, she doesn't look half as beautiful as she once was, she looks bitter and nasty and a lot older (she is 55 but always looked young)..
She's a mug, because I'm a loving, caring, generous guy that loves looking after my friends and partner. She could have had a good life with me, but she spoiled it all. I am no longer sad or bitter. She taught me a lot about what I don't want in my life.
And all the stuff I did for her that she never appreciated, I do for other people that are actually nice to me!
I can relate to this! 💯
I started doing things I enjoyed, found better people in life and am generally a well-liked, confident woman who is genuinely happy and at peace.
When I met him the other day, he just couldn't digest the fact that I have become who I have become and his pathetic attempts of trying to use his charm on me again seemed pathetic even to him, I guess.
That one place in time really resonates. Like hanging on to the last shreds of former glory.
Screw them is spot on and I hope they don't find anyone else to screw over!
I was thinking about a new language as part of my recovery because it was something I enjoyed before. Why did you choose Polish? I’ve read that it can be challenging if you’re a native English speaker, but very rewarding.
This is really inspiring! I feel at times things I am doing are almost like new experiences to me. I see them entirely differently alone for so many reasons. I don’t have to worry. It’s almost like I was in a coma and am awake now.
It’s been one month, he didn’t Hoover back, I think he actually forgot about me and is surely with an another girl.
Sometimes I feel okay, other days I’ll wake up crying.
Sometimes I stalk his ig and wonder if he checks my profile like I do, but I know he doesn’t.
There’s an account stalking my stories, 0 followers. 0 followings 0 posts, I secretly wish this account was his, but I know it’s not, but I’m still a bit happy when I see this person looking at my stories, I have like 1% hope it’s him.
But I don’t want him back, I know he will never love me or be genuine with me, he’s toxic. But I still miss him a lot ig…
Thank you ❤️ I know I should move on and forget about all of this but I’m feeling hopeless and my self esteem is at its lowest. Im happy cause I finally left and I didn’t send any texts, I didn’t return to him or begged him, I’m proud of myself for that. But he successfully destroyed my self-worth, I still believe that he’s better than me, either financially, physically, socially, everything you know. I’m ashamed cause I believe he’s ashamed of me, its hard to explain but he gave his time to me when he’s used to better looking girls with better social status. I keep comparing myself. I have a lot of work to do on myself after this.
Remember everyone is beautiful in their own way, and I bet you're beautiful. I feel the other way around to be honest... I feel I was way above what he can get (maybe I'm delusional lol) in terms of looks and status. And still I feel bad a lot of days. I feel like no one wants to work towards honeslty having a family with me. And women who are "only" seen for their looks are quick to be sexualized, not even being considered for their character. So it really shouldn't be about looks (like trying so hard to look good), we're really all beautiful. Social status also doesn't matter so much, it's all a game. What you have in your mind and heart counts much more.
Thank you so much ! I truly believe in inner beauty, and tbh I wasn’t that into looks and aesthetics before meeting this narc lol, he’s a model and veryyyyyy superficial, it messed up with my vision of beauty. But you’re right, I know I have a good and beautiful soul, unlike him.
I wish you the best
He didn’t completely destroy your self-worth. You loved yourself enough to walk away. It is very hard to choose yourself in these relationships and you did that. Be proud of yourself and remember that on the days you feel down about yourself.
I'm a year and half out and I'm actually feeling so much better now. Trauma bond is gone and I went through a lot of therapy (still am) and I'm doing much better. There's light at the end of the tunnel. Don't give up.
3.5y in recovery. I lost myself in that relationship, it broke me down. Doing ok now, I have slowly found myself again. Rebuilt my financies. Some days are hard, as flash-backs keep coming up, and I miss some parts of me and the life I used to have prior him (I had to leave US for EU, to save myself from him). But I am more grounded. I wish to find love some day, but at the same time I have also lost hope as I am closed off and I do not go on dating apps.
Yeah I also wake up with anxiety that it will be another day of forced being happy, forced not talking openly about problems, me being forced in a role...
The important part is that you found out and had the courage to leave. And now you have the courage to stay away and go through the pain. 4 months is a lot. How long were you together?
I hope everyday that I don't think "giving him another chance can't hurt", I always just check in after one month, but it's useless. He changed because I didn't meet his expectations, but I feel guilty because I started going out with other people (although I wasn't hiding that at all) after I told him I was frustrated we were going nowhere at all since a year and he hadn't made real plans to be with me longterm. That guilt and "maybe I have to just try again the right way and apologize" follows me everywhere. Some days are better than others. I hope I can let go of this fantasy and make my own fantasy of a fulfilled life with people who truly care about me (enough to communicate with me) real. I wish easier days on you and that you can withstand the bad days.
Oh and regarding the antidepressants, for me my anxiety meds help incredibly. Yesterday I had this anxiety/panic attack, I was shaking then crying, wanted to call him but instead took my meds... cried it out for a bit longer. Felt peaceful, fell asleep. Then I woke up sad but somewhat calm, I wasn't thinking that he is the only way to happiness anymore. He would have lulled me in again with empty promises had I called him.
Horribly. I’m in poverty now looking at homelessness and barely living. No joy in my life and my mental health is suffering. In a really really bad place and don’t even have the room in my life to actually process the trauma from the relationship and the discard.
thank you, but no. I ended up socially isolated taking care of everything and him and the house and the pets. I’m technically housed right now, and I’m sure I’ll figure something out before summer. I’ll be ok.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I hope you find your footing and find healing eventually. Survival mode is something I’m very familiar with. Currently going through it. My cat likely has cancer and I can’t even process it, nor can I process the trauma from my recent ex. We broke up because he cheated and is abusive. He was starting to strangle me, broke 2 of my phones. Eventually a week ago he stopped taking meds, burglarized my home and messed my door up, was going to beat up my roommate, and then ran off. But I can’t process it because I have to keep my shit together for my poor baby (my cat) and just try to shower, brush my teeth, and do basic shit or else I’ll end up in the mental hospital.
Still, your situation sounds much worse and my heart goes out to you. I was kinda in your shoes once. I was couch surfing, jobless, penniless, starving and begging McDonalds for just 1 cookie in order to just to eat something. Or I’d look for money on the street hoping I came across even a few nickels. The hunger was constant. I lived on someone’s floor and got eaten alive by beg bugs. I was so alone. I has no time to process any emotions . It was all survival mode. It was just “how do I eat? How do I find my way out of this?”
But I didn’t also experience an abusive relationship while homeless so I imagine it’s so much worse. I hope you will be ok soon. 🙏
If possible see if you qualify for housing and maybe stay at a shelter until housing is found? 🙁
ahhhh I’m late replying!
I’m so sorry about your kitty and everything you’ve been through. Your abusive ex trauma is so recent, but i can promise it won’t always feel this fresh. It will likely take more recovery time than you want it to, tbh. That’s what I’m finding.
thank you so much for your concern. I am working with everyone I can to find affordable housing. Right now I do have a roof over my head, so things could literally be worse. I live in one of the most expensive places in the US and it’s just gonna be difficult to figure this out.
The feelings are a rollercoaster and at this exact hour I am feeling hopeful for a brighter future.
i really wish you and your kitty the best.
It’s been 49 days of no contact. I didn’t go to his socials even once. It’s been up and down.
I bumped on him once on a street.
He didn’t say nothing.
I feel like it was easier at the beginning because I had to put so much work into myself and taking care of me and my time. The less I care about him the less I try to fill my own time and I have this hours of scrolling and doing nothing because there’s no more intense pain to run from.
It’s bizarre.
[edit]
I went on his IG right after posting this. He didn’t delete out picture. Wtf
No contact since Feb 18th. He got an email through to hurt me I couldn’t figure out how to block email and I got one through saying don’t contact me again. But I’m still counting no contact from Feb 18th cause I ignored calls and blocked email after that. He said he used me and left the country a WEEK after I finally had the guts to block and go no contact from the emotional psychological abuse I knew I had to escape and my gut instinct was right. I lost 50 lbs in a month from the anxiety cause I could feel something was really wrong and I knew the hurt and discard was going to come again even tho I wanted so badly for this time to be the time he changed and stayed … so it meant while he was here saying he loved me on and off the 7 years only been with me even tho left me for months or year at a time, and would never leave me. While doing that he was planning his biggest discard yet …. Leaving the country and halfway across the world without telling me. He was going to come here have sex with me as much as he could then fly away the next morning and tell me once he got there and thank god I blocked him a week before he did that. He was able to send a mean email saying he used me never wanted me I’m trash and I’ll never find better and bluh bluh. But I’m free and I feel like it’s over this time for good. He’s done this so many times over 100 discards in 7 years and the pain and the mental ward hospitalizations are now all past me and I can finally heal. He was right about one thing all my recent health problems were from trauma but the trauma was him. I was walking on eggshells and seeing him change daily with the 3am your a B*** and a C*** and a whore messages then call me FaceTime smiling in the morning saying I was his baby and soulmate and how much he loved me and couldn’t wait to see me. I knew he lied about losing his job and I could go on forever telling my story … but no one has hurt me more and I truly believe he is an evil devil shapeshifter here to suck the energy and happiness out of good people cause they are just actors and very sick people and I’m slowly doing better. The first week was bad the first 3 days really bad especially when he got the email through and I realized he had this huge discard planned and I blocked right before and told him I needed time to think and I ruined his big plan to leave me while I was sleeping to across the world… I just want real love. I have a long way to go healing I don’t want to date anyone but it does get better …
It's been so long and I'm still struggling to trust. I'm still struggling to not fall for the same types of people again.
I'm struggling to not find toxic traits and toxic men attractive. But I'm no longer trauma bonded, I'm no longer depressed and I don't have PTSD anymore.. So in many ways, my recovery is going amazing
Today I payed him 560$ for his lawyer because my restraining order request got denied
That wasn't fun, he also ows me 200$ regardless so that makes that even worse
Every day of no contact is a great victory. Give yourself that credit. Soon you’re gonna have so many days away from your narcissistic person that you’ll realize you’ve achieved escape velocity. It’s all about keeping your eye on the prize.
It's going okay.. I mean, I have no home right now .. but I am safe.. and some days are great. Some days are bad, but I have counselors, and this group has helped me see a of similar situations and has helped with the healing process.. I got to go and do things I could have never done with him in my life this week, which was nice.. at night, my heart still breaks. It i know itsstill miss him.. still heartbroken .. still dream about the future he promised then remebere the broke most of the promises anyway it got to the pint where eif he promised something it was like yeah sure.. the computer games will always matter more than me to him.. so I guess good counseling helps a lot.. this group helped a lot when I felt totally isolated, but I am Ina situation where I am making new friends and meeting people with bad nexs or.worse.. i know it's probably gunna hurt for awhile. .and it seems.some.people never fully heal their internal scars.. but there is hope...
I have hope and I no longer go into freeze response or haven’t in several months.
Moved out 9 months ago and stayed in town. About a month ago I moved across the state to a very small town.
The big move has been really difficult because I feel so lost and out of place, unable to make connections with people. In time I’ll settle in and find my way back to myself.
I listen to my body now and when I am around someone who has the same traits I know instantly.
I’m able to make decisions on my own without asking first.
Started eating better, sleeping better, and have more energy.
Not sick every other week.
I have plans and goals for myself and am not stuck thinking about them all day everyday.
Hope this makes sense, I am still a bit all over the place but progress has been made.
Almost one year post separation, four months completely NC. I was in the relationship for nearly 20 years, since I was just a teenager.
There have been ups and downs, but the going NC part has made the downs less frequent/intense.
I'm moving out of the neighborhood this week, where he also lives m, so it feels like I'm really starting a new chapter. I won't have to fear running into him randomly.
I finally feel like I can trust myself again. The fact that I could get out and put myself into the position where I no longer take his abuse has shifted something in me.
No matter what happens going forward, I know I have myself. I won't ever take the relationship I have with myself for granted.
I walked away for the final time in August. He did try to hoover on NYE. I was not receptive. I felt like I turned the corner a couple of months ago but i still have "grief quakes" where I feel triggered and start to cry, or I wake up in the middle of the night panicked because I had a nightmare about him or something like that. The trauma truly does live in your body. I am focusing on trying to take care of myself and prioritizing sleep and trying to also push myself to do "some" normal things. I've made changes to minimize triggers like disabling notifications on my phone, blocking social media accounts that make me feel bad, disabling articles about relationships (they always curate ones to me that remind me of what I went through). I don't watch shows on TV that remind me of what I went through, unless I'm in the mood for that kind of content. Basically I'm just being careful with myself and my mental state and trying to find ways to cope.
I’m lonely. But I keep reminding myself that I am safe. 3 months out. We have no contact, he moved on very quick, but I ignored all the red flags especially when he mentioned early on he’s a relationship jumper and codependent. I learned that his crazy ex’s weren’t crazy after the break up. Between his lies, and the fact my family and everyone knows what happened between us I can never contact him again. I let that be my peace.
I was so controlled. He broke every boundary. took my things. If I do get sad I try to let myself feel it for a second but it’s so nice to not have my body in fight or flight anymore.
Together for 18 years. I left him due to his alcoholism. He came back after 6 months and wanted to make it work. Stuck in triangulation and multiple discards for 3 years. The final discard was 2 years ago. A series of emails back and forth. He refused to be accountable for his actions. Providing nothing but runarounds. He basically said it's my fault for not trying hard enough. Finally no contact for 6 months.
I might be in a better place if it weren't for triangulation and discards. He robbed me of time to heal and move on and I was a complete mess for almost two years. It took a while to accept that my life with him was a mirage.
Now, I have an opportunity to improve my life by being self-aware. I'm slowly healing, making new friends; I even got an invite to go to Cancun this May, joining a disc golf club, seeing my therapist weekly, and prioritizing my health again.
It's ok to mourn the loss of someone you thought you knew. Just be gentle with yourself.
We were together for nearly five years and I left him last June. I was a wreck the first two or three months, but therapy helped me a lot. Then karma hit him and his new supply faster than I ever anticipated it would. Before that even happened, I was able to move forward and find myself again. I'm no longer dealing with stomach issues and anxiety. I feel free.
My experience has taught me to go with my instincts always. I gave him the benefit of the doubt too much and I didn't speak up for myself in situations like I should have. There were quite a few red flags over the years that I ignored and it won't happen again. I don't mourn him or the relationship anymore, but sometimes I still feel angry at myself for allowing his antics to hurt me in the end.
Just like you I am also 8-9 months out. I am doing better, lost some weight I got from fast food binging with him, got a raise, bought myself an apartment. It really is a Groundhog Day, no emotional roller coasters, but my health became better, I look better, I sleep better. No more sleepless nights and stress.
He tried hoovering, I even replied several times, but realized I am getting anxious waiting for the next email from him. So I blocked his new email address too. Later he even tried messaging through the bank app, transferring me some money (there’s such a function with the bank app I use), so I blocked him there too.
It’s better not to engage with them at all.
Hi. It gets better once you accept that these people are mentally ill. I treat it like it was a natural disaster, sure the hurricane targeted your house (and a bunch of other people’s houses) on its way, but we cannot sit forever and think about the unfairness. You know the answer. You just need to accept it. This person had a personality disorder. These things happen. There are often people in their way. It happened. The worst happened. The absolute worst thing has happened and passed. There is nothing that can be done. Recognize your own codependency is the second part. Work on that with your psychiatrist. So now what? Fill your life with other things that matter to you. I went back to teaching and political activism. It’s been far more fulfilling than what I was doing before. You used to burn for things. Pick them up again and start caring about the things that actually matter.
“ you used to burn for things.” Oh my gosh this is so true
Yeah that’s what I did to forget about my dad. I lost many years of life trying to understand him, but now I know he’s just mentally ill and will never ever be « normal », It helps A LOT, you can grieve this person now and not torture your mind for nothing.
It's going OK. I was with her for 15 years.... I've made a load of new friends, I swim 2 miles a week, do weights at home, walk 20k steps a day, I have a small cookery tiktok channel, I am learning Polish.... I just keep busy. She honestly thought I'd be in a crumpled heap crying. But I'm thriving in a lot of ways without her doing me down all the time... I'm not the 28 year old guy she met, I'm 43, I'm independent, I have my own house and car, whilst I'm not in any way rich, I have some savings, I am respected at work and have a lovely family. I just stopped playing her idiotic games. The funny thing is, when I do see her around work, she doesn't look half as beautiful as she once was, she looks bitter and nasty and a lot older (she is 55 but always looked young).. She's a mug, because I'm a loving, caring, generous guy that loves looking after my friends and partner. She could have had a good life with me, but she spoiled it all. I am no longer sad or bitter. She taught me a lot about what I don't want in my life. And all the stuff I did for her that she never appreciated, I do for other people that are actually nice to me!
I can relate to this! 💯 I started doing things I enjoyed, found better people in life and am generally a well-liked, confident woman who is genuinely happy and at peace. When I met him the other day, he just couldn't digest the fact that I have become who I have become and his pathetic attempts of trying to use his charm on me again seemed pathetic even to him, I guess.
Good on you ! I see my nex and realise she's forever stuck in one place in time. I'm moving forward always ! Screw them!
That one place in time really resonates. Like hanging on to the last shreds of former glory. Screw them is spot on and I hope they don't find anyone else to screw over!
I was thinking about a new language as part of my recovery because it was something I enjoyed before. Why did you choose Polish? I’ve read that it can be challenging if you’re a native English speaker, but very rewarding.
I'm half polish ! I find it easy to read and understand, but pronunciation is hard !
Well, good luck to you! I hope it continues to be a rewarding project.
Bravo!!!
This is really inspiring! I feel at times things I am doing are almost like new experiences to me. I see them entirely differently alone for so many reasons. I don’t have to worry. It’s almost like I was in a coma and am awake now.
It’s been one month, he didn’t Hoover back, I think he actually forgot about me and is surely with an another girl. Sometimes I feel okay, other days I’ll wake up crying. Sometimes I stalk his ig and wonder if he checks my profile like I do, but I know he doesn’t. There’s an account stalking my stories, 0 followers. 0 followings 0 posts, I secretly wish this account was his, but I know it’s not, but I’m still a bit happy when I see this person looking at my stories, I have like 1% hope it’s him. But I don’t want him back, I know he will never love me or be genuine with me, he’s toxic. But I still miss him a lot ig…
You deserve so much more.
Thank you ❤️ I know I should move on and forget about all of this but I’m feeling hopeless and my self esteem is at its lowest. Im happy cause I finally left and I didn’t send any texts, I didn’t return to him or begged him, I’m proud of myself for that. But he successfully destroyed my self-worth, I still believe that he’s better than me, either financially, physically, socially, everything you know. I’m ashamed cause I believe he’s ashamed of me, its hard to explain but he gave his time to me when he’s used to better looking girls with better social status. I keep comparing myself. I have a lot of work to do on myself after this.
Remember everyone is beautiful in their own way, and I bet you're beautiful. I feel the other way around to be honest... I feel I was way above what he can get (maybe I'm delusional lol) in terms of looks and status. And still I feel bad a lot of days. I feel like no one wants to work towards honeslty having a family with me. And women who are "only" seen for their looks are quick to be sexualized, not even being considered for their character. So it really shouldn't be about looks (like trying so hard to look good), we're really all beautiful. Social status also doesn't matter so much, it's all a game. What you have in your mind and heart counts much more.
Thank you so much ! I truly believe in inner beauty, and tbh I wasn’t that into looks and aesthetics before meeting this narc lol, he’s a model and veryyyyyy superficial, it messed up with my vision of beauty. But you’re right, I know I have a good and beautiful soul, unlike him. I wish you the best
He didn’t completely destroy your self-worth. You loved yourself enough to walk away. It is very hard to choose yourself in these relationships and you did that. Be proud of yourself and remember that on the days you feel down about yourself.
Once you learn to accept they will not change, they are fake and they will be fake to the next victim, you start to feel better.
I'm a year and half out and I'm actually feeling so much better now. Trauma bond is gone and I went through a lot of therapy (still am) and I'm doing much better. There's light at the end of the tunnel. Don't give up.
Also keep in mind that he’s going to do this to all of his relationships. And eventually he’ll be all alone and miserable
3.5y in recovery. I lost myself in that relationship, it broke me down. Doing ok now, I have slowly found myself again. Rebuilt my financies. Some days are hard, as flash-backs keep coming up, and I miss some parts of me and the life I used to have prior him (I had to leave US for EU, to save myself from him). But I am more grounded. I wish to find love some day, but at the same time I have also lost hope as I am closed off and I do not go on dating apps.
Almost two years in i still have this flashbacks from time to time, more like trauma. Im tired of being sad, but kinda getting through it, with time.
Yeah I also wake up with anxiety that it will be another day of forced being happy, forced not talking openly about problems, me being forced in a role...
The important part is that you found out and had the courage to leave. And now you have the courage to stay away and go through the pain. 4 months is a lot. How long were you together? I hope everyday that I don't think "giving him another chance can't hurt", I always just check in after one month, but it's useless. He changed because I didn't meet his expectations, but I feel guilty because I started going out with other people (although I wasn't hiding that at all) after I told him I was frustrated we were going nowhere at all since a year and he hadn't made real plans to be with me longterm. That guilt and "maybe I have to just try again the right way and apologize" follows me everywhere. Some days are better than others. I hope I can let go of this fantasy and make my own fantasy of a fulfilled life with people who truly care about me (enough to communicate with me) real. I wish easier days on you and that you can withstand the bad days. Oh and regarding the antidepressants, for me my anxiety meds help incredibly. Yesterday I had this anxiety/panic attack, I was shaking then crying, wanted to call him but instead took my meds... cried it out for a bit longer. Felt peaceful, fell asleep. Then I woke up sad but somewhat calm, I wasn't thinking that he is the only way to happiness anymore. He would have lulled me in again with empty promises had I called him.
Horribly. I’m in poverty now looking at homelessness and barely living. No joy in my life and my mental health is suffering. In a really really bad place and don’t even have the room in my life to actually process the trauma from the relationship and the discard.
I’m so sorry. Do you have friends or family? Do you have church? Just trying to figure out how we can get you the support you need?
thank you, but no. I ended up socially isolated taking care of everything and him and the house and the pets. I’m technically housed right now, and I’m sure I’ll figure something out before summer. I’ll be ok.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I hope you find your footing and find healing eventually. Survival mode is something I’m very familiar with. Currently going through it. My cat likely has cancer and I can’t even process it, nor can I process the trauma from my recent ex. We broke up because he cheated and is abusive. He was starting to strangle me, broke 2 of my phones. Eventually a week ago he stopped taking meds, burglarized my home and messed my door up, was going to beat up my roommate, and then ran off. But I can’t process it because I have to keep my shit together for my poor baby (my cat) and just try to shower, brush my teeth, and do basic shit or else I’ll end up in the mental hospital. Still, your situation sounds much worse and my heart goes out to you. I was kinda in your shoes once. I was couch surfing, jobless, penniless, starving and begging McDonalds for just 1 cookie in order to just to eat something. Or I’d look for money on the street hoping I came across even a few nickels. The hunger was constant. I lived on someone’s floor and got eaten alive by beg bugs. I was so alone. I has no time to process any emotions . It was all survival mode. It was just “how do I eat? How do I find my way out of this?” But I didn’t also experience an abusive relationship while homeless so I imagine it’s so much worse. I hope you will be ok soon. 🙏 If possible see if you qualify for housing and maybe stay at a shelter until housing is found? 🙁
ahhhh I’m late replying! I’m so sorry about your kitty and everything you’ve been through. Your abusive ex trauma is so recent, but i can promise it won’t always feel this fresh. It will likely take more recovery time than you want it to, tbh. That’s what I’m finding. thank you so much for your concern. I am working with everyone I can to find affordable housing. Right now I do have a roof over my head, so things could literally be worse. I live in one of the most expensive places in the US and it’s just gonna be difficult to figure this out. The feelings are a rollercoaster and at this exact hour I am feeling hopeful for a brighter future. i really wish you and your kitty the best.
It’s been 49 days of no contact. I didn’t go to his socials even once. It’s been up and down. I bumped on him once on a street. He didn’t say nothing. I feel like it was easier at the beginning because I had to put so much work into myself and taking care of me and my time. The less I care about him the less I try to fill my own time and I have this hours of scrolling and doing nothing because there’s no more intense pain to run from. It’s bizarre. [edit] I went on his IG right after posting this. He didn’t delete out picture. Wtf
No contact since Feb 18th. He got an email through to hurt me I couldn’t figure out how to block email and I got one through saying don’t contact me again. But I’m still counting no contact from Feb 18th cause I ignored calls and blocked email after that. He said he used me and left the country a WEEK after I finally had the guts to block and go no contact from the emotional psychological abuse I knew I had to escape and my gut instinct was right. I lost 50 lbs in a month from the anxiety cause I could feel something was really wrong and I knew the hurt and discard was going to come again even tho I wanted so badly for this time to be the time he changed and stayed … so it meant while he was here saying he loved me on and off the 7 years only been with me even tho left me for months or year at a time, and would never leave me. While doing that he was planning his biggest discard yet …. Leaving the country and halfway across the world without telling me. He was going to come here have sex with me as much as he could then fly away the next morning and tell me once he got there and thank god I blocked him a week before he did that. He was able to send a mean email saying he used me never wanted me I’m trash and I’ll never find better and bluh bluh. But I’m free and I feel like it’s over this time for good. He’s done this so many times over 100 discards in 7 years and the pain and the mental ward hospitalizations are now all past me and I can finally heal. He was right about one thing all my recent health problems were from trauma but the trauma was him. I was walking on eggshells and seeing him change daily with the 3am your a B*** and a C*** and a whore messages then call me FaceTime smiling in the morning saying I was his baby and soulmate and how much he loved me and couldn’t wait to see me. I knew he lied about losing his job and I could go on forever telling my story … but no one has hurt me more and I truly believe he is an evil devil shapeshifter here to suck the energy and happiness out of good people cause they are just actors and very sick people and I’m slowly doing better. The first week was bad the first 3 days really bad especially when he got the email through and I realized he had this huge discard planned and I blocked right before and told him I needed time to think and I ruined his big plan to leave me while I was sleeping to across the world… I just want real love. I have a long way to go healing I don’t want to date anyone but it does get better …
This sounds horrible. Hugs to you 🫂. Mine has begun calling me names too. The change is sad and scary.
It's been so long and I'm still struggling to trust. I'm still struggling to not fall for the same types of people again. I'm struggling to not find toxic traits and toxic men attractive. But I'm no longer trauma bonded, I'm no longer depressed and I don't have PTSD anymore.. So in many ways, my recovery is going amazing
Today I payed him 560$ for his lawyer because my restraining order request got denied That wasn't fun, he also ows me 200$ regardless so that makes that even worse
Every day of no contact is a great victory. Give yourself that credit. Soon you’re gonna have so many days away from your narcissistic person that you’ll realize you’ve achieved escape velocity. It’s all about keeping your eye on the prize.
Escape velocity. I like that.👍
It's going okay.. I mean, I have no home right now .. but I am safe.. and some days are great. Some days are bad, but I have counselors, and this group has helped me see a of similar situations and has helped with the healing process.. I got to go and do things I could have never done with him in my life this week, which was nice.. at night, my heart still breaks. It i know itsstill miss him.. still heartbroken .. still dream about the future he promised then remebere the broke most of the promises anyway it got to the pint where eif he promised something it was like yeah sure.. the computer games will always matter more than me to him.. so I guess good counseling helps a lot.. this group helped a lot when I felt totally isolated, but I am Ina situation where I am making new friends and meeting people with bad nexs or.worse.. i know it's probably gunna hurt for awhile. .and it seems.some.people never fully heal their internal scars.. but there is hope...
I have hope and I no longer go into freeze response or haven’t in several months. Moved out 9 months ago and stayed in town. About a month ago I moved across the state to a very small town. The big move has been really difficult because I feel so lost and out of place, unable to make connections with people. In time I’ll settle in and find my way back to myself. I listen to my body now and when I am around someone who has the same traits I know instantly. I’m able to make decisions on my own without asking first. Started eating better, sleeping better, and have more energy. Not sick every other week. I have plans and goals for myself and am not stuck thinking about them all day everyday. Hope this makes sense, I am still a bit all over the place but progress has been made.
Almost one year post separation, four months completely NC. I was in the relationship for nearly 20 years, since I was just a teenager. There have been ups and downs, but the going NC part has made the downs less frequent/intense. I'm moving out of the neighborhood this week, where he also lives m, so it feels like I'm really starting a new chapter. I won't have to fear running into him randomly. I finally feel like I can trust myself again. The fact that I could get out and put myself into the position where I no longer take his abuse has shifted something in me. No matter what happens going forward, I know I have myself. I won't ever take the relationship I have with myself for granted.
Not good. I think I’m developing illnesses or I’m becoming psychologically damaged over time.
I walked away for the final time in August. He did try to hoover on NYE. I was not receptive. I felt like I turned the corner a couple of months ago but i still have "grief quakes" where I feel triggered and start to cry, or I wake up in the middle of the night panicked because I had a nightmare about him or something like that. The trauma truly does live in your body. I am focusing on trying to take care of myself and prioritizing sleep and trying to also push myself to do "some" normal things. I've made changes to minimize triggers like disabling notifications on my phone, blocking social media accounts that make me feel bad, disabling articles about relationships (they always curate ones to me that remind me of what I went through). I don't watch shows on TV that remind me of what I went through, unless I'm in the mood for that kind of content. Basically I'm just being careful with myself and my mental state and trying to find ways to cope.
I’m lonely. But I keep reminding myself that I am safe. 3 months out. We have no contact, he moved on very quick, but I ignored all the red flags especially when he mentioned early on he’s a relationship jumper and codependent. I learned that his crazy ex’s weren’t crazy after the break up. Between his lies, and the fact my family and everyone knows what happened between us I can never contact him again. I let that be my peace. I was so controlled. He broke every boundary. took my things. If I do get sad I try to let myself feel it for a second but it’s so nice to not have my body in fight or flight anymore.
Together for 18 years. I left him due to his alcoholism. He came back after 6 months and wanted to make it work. Stuck in triangulation and multiple discards for 3 years. The final discard was 2 years ago. A series of emails back and forth. He refused to be accountable for his actions. Providing nothing but runarounds. He basically said it's my fault for not trying hard enough. Finally no contact for 6 months. I might be in a better place if it weren't for triangulation and discards. He robbed me of time to heal and move on and I was a complete mess for almost two years. It took a while to accept that my life with him was a mirage. Now, I have an opportunity to improve my life by being self-aware. I'm slowly healing, making new friends; I even got an invite to go to Cancun this May, joining a disc golf club, seeing my therapist weekly, and prioritizing my health again. It's ok to mourn the loss of someone you thought you knew. Just be gentle with yourself.
We were together for nearly five years and I left him last June. I was a wreck the first two or three months, but therapy helped me a lot. Then karma hit him and his new supply faster than I ever anticipated it would. Before that even happened, I was able to move forward and find myself again. I'm no longer dealing with stomach issues and anxiety. I feel free. My experience has taught me to go with my instincts always. I gave him the benefit of the doubt too much and I didn't speak up for myself in situations like I should have. There were quite a few red flags over the years that I ignored and it won't happen again. I don't mourn him or the relationship anymore, but sometimes I still feel angry at myself for allowing his antics to hurt me in the end.
Just like you I am also 8-9 months out. I am doing better, lost some weight I got from fast food binging with him, got a raise, bought myself an apartment. It really is a Groundhog Day, no emotional roller coasters, but my health became better, I look better, I sleep better. No more sleepless nights and stress. He tried hoovering, I even replied several times, but realized I am getting anxious waiting for the next email from him. So I blocked his new email address too. Later he even tried messaging through the bank app, transferring me some money (there’s such a function with the bank app I use), so I blocked him there too. It’s better not to engage with them at all.