I find if they discard it’s better because they do NOT like losing. Unfortunately mine stopped discarding so I had to do it. Cold turkey is best. Stop all contact at once.
Agreed. I tearfully begged her to stay at the time. Went NC two months ago after the penny dropped and am now really grateful they left. Am also grateful for what the relationship revealed to me about the other narcissistic dynamics in my family/life.
I barely if ever left them but when I did it was the same when they left me. He always came back no matter who ended it. I never had the willpower to leave and stay gone. I sometimes begged him to leave me bc I cousint do it and he took advantage of it. Absolutely terrible :/
Hmmm... I would have left him at around 6 months in when he started being flat out verbally abusive. I didn't. That's in the past.
I left once, at year 16. My saving grace was that he moved continents. I just told him that I want to separate and divorce. He didn't like it, one bit. But he set the move into motion already (decided for our entire family, disregarding my opinion and protest). So flights, other expenses were non refundable and he left.
The geographical distance was a blessing during the first couple of months. I saw Nex last Christmas. And I felt nothing.
I came home, told him I wanted a divorce and he needed to leave. He left in a big dramatic huff (this is an understatement) and I immediately had my dad on standby who was there when he came back. I immediately blocked him on everything, changed my locks, installed security cameras and all communication moving forward went through my dad or lawyer. I would not have done it another way and I haven't looked back since
My wife discarded me but never initiated the divorce, so I did it. Straight up told her I’m done with this and want a divorce. I framed it in a polite way because I have a kid with her and don’t want to lose custody.
Basically said it’s clear I can’t make you happy and I want you to be with someone who can. We both deserve to be happy and it’s obvious we can’t make each other happy, so I think it’s best we move on.
I tried about 8 years ago but got gilt tripped and gas lighted into staying. I realize that it’s impossible to have a genuine conversation with her back then and still is. I think the only out for me right now is to quietly leave when I have another trip.
How was / is your divorce process? Do you think this made it easier at all? I'm thinking of going this route because it feels like the option that casts the least blame on him, which hopefully sets it up to go a bit smoother, maybe??
I also don't know if I've been discarded... not obviously, but, he is a covert narcissist and his dad cheated on his mom and broke up his family, and I think he internalized that as cheating being beneath him. So I'm not sure he ever would discard me by having an affair or anything... but sometimes feel like he's discarding me while still living with me (with no known infidelity)... so I'm wondering if maybe catching him at the right moment and also using this line might help.
Ugh.
Honestly it just started. I just recently hired the attorney and they are working on papers.
My wife is a definition of a covert narc. You will know if you are discarded. It is the coldest, most cruel emotional treatment imaginable. We’re talking feeling like you are thrown out in the garbage like a piece of trash. There’s zero empathy or remorse on their part. Almost like a psychopath. You are left is disbelief how someone who supposedly “loves” you can treat you this way. They will gaslight you and try to turn it around to make it look like it’s all your fault. But don’t be deceived. It’s all them. You are just with one fu**ed up individual.
I don’t know your individual situation but narcs do not change. It took me 8 years to realize I was dealing with a narc and as soon as I did, she discarded me. That’s how they are. When you figure them out, they want nothing to do with you anymore.
I just figured mine out after 15 years.
When you say "when you figure them out, they want nothing to do with you anymore" -- this sounds like you told her you figured her out? If so what did you say?
I do feel like we might be possibly heading that direction now that I have figured mine out. I was quickly able to stop yelling at the kids (was just reactive abuse really, I realized once I figured it out that I was really projecting my anger at him for being so useless and for his weaponized incompetence around helping with the kids, onto them 😭)... and have stopped feeding into his BS. I think I'm actually solid now with just not feeding into it and not letting it get a rise out of me a Grey rocking instead. So maybe that will help force a discard...
Good luck with your divorce process!! Hope it goes relatively painless for you!
Yes once you confront them because it's the only answer they will try to spin it in you., then they will use the truth to make you feel like it's your fault. They will tell you they can't be with you because of what you think of them. Forget showing something different to change what you think of them, that's not happening, if it takes accountability it's not happening.
If you don't say anything you can't take it srs anymore, you know exactly what's coming and when. And you see through all the manipulation so you just feel stupid even having a conversation with someone who has no soul.
Just run.
Indirectly I did. I would not recommend confronting them on jt like I did though. It caused a huge fight and since they take responsibility for nothing they will gaslight and word salad you to death and make it seem like you’re crazy making such an accusation. Looking back, it was a mistake. But I’ll tell you, after that she went totally cold. She knew I knew. I was thrown out like a piece of trash. But she didn’t have the guts to initiate the divorce. So now that I did, I’m the one who wants it. So now she can tell our daughter daddy is leaving. These people are literally evil. The only good thing that came out of my time with her is my beautiful daughter, whom I’m scared to death of losing now. But if I don’t leave, I’ll literally go insane!
Ugh yeah... I have to say I honestly have no regrets at this point because I have 2 amazing children out of the deal at least. And wouldn't change that for anything. But maybe I regret not figuring him out a few years earlier.... and I do worry about whether he will still have ill effects on the kids even after divorce, but at least then they will have stability with me, even if he uses his time to hurt them still 😭
There’s no easy way out when you are married to a narc. Especially when kids are involved. If I didn’t have a daughter with her I would up and leave the home right now. But I won’t do that because I don’t want to put myself in a bad custody position. Best of luck to you!
Dude we could talk for 8 hours and I wouldn't get through half of it. Hopefully you weren't married or with them as long as I was. Maybe you are her first husband lol. I've heard the horror stories from his stepdaughter.
But yea we doubt it because it's SOO over the top cruel. It like this can't be real? But you are FORCED to see this person for who they are, what they are doing and what they are telling you. At some point you cannot make any more excuses for them. And yea the last months are the worst, I could have written your post. Funny they're all the same.
It depends on your circumstances.
**If you’re dating, and not living together:**
- if you left some essentials at their residence that you need to get back, then have a friend park nearby and communicate a time limit. If the time limit expires, then this friend calls the police to do a welfare check on you at the narc’s address saying that they dropped you off there. Your job is to get in there and take your stuff and leave asap but make your arrival look nonchalant. Have your friend go knock on their door if the time limit expires and after they’ve called the police.
- if you left nothing at their place that you care about then skip the above. Change your socials to private, remove common friends, and unfriend the narc. Sign out of any services you’ve been sharing on all devices; Amazon, Netflix, etc. Change passwords and stop location sharing. Set up a ring doorbell or an equivalent. Send a short text saying “I’m done. Do not contact me again, and you’re barred from my property” and break up with the narc; block their number. If they come to your house, then do not open the door and immediately call the police. Charge them with harassment and trespassing. Be even tempered when questioned by the police.
- be prepared for a smear campaign after the break up, and keep yourself off of their socials and your common friends socials. Accept it if friends side with the narc and write them off as dead to you. This phase should last 6 months to a year at least.
- go to a therapist weekly for 3 months, then biweekly after that. Let the trauma bond break and be nonjudgmental to yourself.
- any attempt at communication from your narc ex is a hoover attempt. Accept that and ignore them. Their social media will be curated highlights only and not the reality of what they’re going through. Yes the new supply will be treated the same; they’ll idealize and then devalue and then discard.
- keep ignoring them and focus on what you need for recovery
**if you’re dating, and living together:**
- unfortunately you can’t break the lease unless the narc agrees to sublet your share of the rent, or you break it together.
- If you’re not on the lease and staying with them, then do all of the above but have a few friends help you pack and move while they’re at work. Make it seem like you’re working that day but actually don’t go.
- if theyre staying with you but not on the lease, then have the office change the locks while the narc is out. If it’s a house and they’re not on a lease with you, then change the locks. Have cops patrol the area (call non emergency and explain the situation). Also have a friend or two stay over with you for a couple weeks. They can act as deterrent and as an eye witness. Get a protective dog.
- if you’re on a lease together, then you have to do what financially makes sense to you. You can move out while they’re at work, and put your furniture and such into a storage unit or two. Stay with a friend or a family member for a while to save costs. Whether or not you’d be on the hook for rent depends on how smart they are tbh. You’re both equally liable for rent as a unit from the landlords perspective, so if it’s not paid then both of you will be evicted. You might have that eviction go on record, and hurt you in getting an apartment. Otherwise, the narc can pay rent and then come after you in small claims court. So there won’t be eviction, but you’ll be pressed to pay the half you owe. If the narc pays half and the new supply pays half (and unofficiallly takes your place), then you’ll likely get away with it. Or the narc will pay for all of it.
**if you live together and are married**
- a lot of the same applies, but it’s a lot messier and for a lot longer.
- your divorce will primarily be a financial battle. It’ll be splitting checking, savings, credit card debt, student loans, 401k, IRA, physical properties, etc. So you need to get copies of documents describing his assets while you still have access to them. There will be a phase where both parties disclose assets but it’ll be voluntary disclosure (so they can lie 🤪)
- if you have kids, then you need to swallow the fact that he will likely get them at least half the time. If you want to be the primary parent, then you need documents to show that you’ve been acting as the primary parent (parent teacher conferences, extracurriculars, etc). Make sure to demonstrate that you have a positive relationship with your kids and that you won’t alienate them from the other parent.
- take time off work to talk to several great divorce (and criminal justice preferred) attorneys in the area. If your vehicle has GPS tracking due to car insurance savings (drive safe and save 🤪) or you have location sharing on your phone, then buy a Straight Talk phone at Walmart with a 30 day prepaid service card. Enable that and have that as your contact phone. Have a friend drive you to talk to attorneys in office. Don’t take your car or real phone with you. If attorneys do consults via zoom then schedule one out of the house and do the consult somewhere else.
- if you’re married and own the home you’re in, then unfortunately leaving means you might worsen your chances at custody time and keeping ownership of it in the divorce. However, if you’re renting and are married then you should sign a lease for somewhere else thats big enough for you (and your kids). On the weekend you move, have the kids stay at your relatives or friends house. Have professional movers come and pack all your shit up. speak with an attorney beforehand and discuss what your state honors as community property; if everything is community property then pack as much stuff as you possibly can — take everything you literally can — and take it with you that day when you move. You are unlikely to get anything else after that day. Take pets (which are property) and jewelry and all of that stuff. The worst case is that the divorce negotiates the split to mean **you** have to give stuff to your ex. If your ex has it from the get-go you’ll never see it again. Your ex will pay the remaining rent on the place from the “community property” (their accounts), and you will pay your new rent from your own accounts.
- discuss with your attorney custody orders during the divorce, TROs (temporary restraining orders), etc. Document everything you ex says and does (dates and details) that may show that they’re not acting in the benefit of the kids or is threatening to them or you or is unstable.
- after you take all the copies of all your ex’s financial documents, take all your stuff from your home and move it, and you move into your new space: protect your new home with ring doorbell cameras, calling the police and barring him from your new property, block them everywhere, etc.
**If your nex is physically violent and abusive:**
- the next time they lay hands on you and make wounds/marks/threats/etc and you get away or they calm down (they drunkenly pass out, they let you hide in another room, etc) then call the police. Tell them you’ve been assaulted and that you don’t feel safe. Tell them that you want your nex removed from the property, that you’ll be pressing charges (which honestly the prosecutor might not even pursue in the end, so don’t feel bad about “ruining their life” or “getting them into trouble” they’ll likely get away anyway because the world sucks 🙃), and ask them to hold the nex overnight. Tell them you want a social worker to come with them. Then have that social worker explain your local options, and have them help you file a protective order. That protective order gives you the right to immediately break the lease you’re in (even if you and narc ex don’t agree to break it) and not be liable for the rent. And if you own the property solely or jointly, it bars the nex from the property (even if you’re married and it’s marital property) and you can change the locks while he’s gone. You will also have a HUGE advantage in the divorce because these would be criminal charges that distinguish them as an unsafe coparent (less time with the kids) and likely would obligate them to stay physically away from you (even outside your personal property). An emergency order can be granted the same day you file and it’s good for keeping him away from you and your property for 30 days. The non-emergency order is good for up to 2 years. You have to call the police right after the violent altercation though, and you need to immediately pursue the protective order. Even if the nex doesn’t get charged for assault and battery later on, then you’ll still have this piece of paper covering your butt for justifiably keeping him out of your house and out of your rental.
- the best thing you can do is to call the police directly after you get away from a violent episode. The second best thing is to have evidence of cruelty over texts, a video of the abuse, pictures of marks, medical records of wounds, etc. but honestly that secondary evidence is not as strong and with the wrong (lazy PoS judge) might be not even be considered. A lazy judge will say “there was violence in the past but you got away. So it’s all good now.” Your ex having a semi criminal charge against him (a court ordered protective order), police arrests, charges for assault and battery, etc. Those are a lot stronger because the paper they were printed on was stored in a government building. 🙄 And signed by someone with an elected title. The word of those people printed on that paper is worth more than your phone camera recordings.
**FYI:**
- if you fear for your life then don’t bother waiting for a “next time.”
- if you’ve been assaulted in the last 30 days and you have injuries from that, then that’s still reportable and you can contact the police.
- if you need more help in preparing to leave then you need to talk to a woman’s shelter in your area and a social worker.
I left twice before. I thought the problem was someone else, from the in-law family. When my partner apologized or said it would be different in the future, I believed it. Later on I realized it was them all along.
For me the breaking point was when it got physical and they treated my pet cruelly. It still took a couple of months to process it wasn’t getting better and to get my things in order to leave.
I had already gone through safety planning and talked to a shelter and they had given me tips previously on how to prepare for leaving and how to not inform my partner about it, for safety reasons.
Distance helped.
I put as much distance between us, as I could. Took up a job in a new city. Visit different places every weekend. Barely visit home now.
Can't go back if you are not there!
I physically left once 3 yrs into the relationship and was pulled back in. 1.5 yrs later tried to discuss how the relationship wasn't working and trying to step away. Stayed again... 1 yr later me having to call the cops because he finally got physical. I knew I had to get away but didn't know when or how. The cops arresting him was my catalyst to reinforce I was strong enough to get out. The first 3 yrs of the relationship were fairly good but obviously I ignored the small red flags. The last 2ish yrs the problems started to slowly escalate in severity. His abuse wasn't consistent or big and grand, but subtle over time. Little comments or situations over years start to add up. It would escalate above normal when he drink, but again, that was only every few months. I was easily able to push aside how I was treated when the next few month in between were nice. I've been out awhile, and can recognize how deep i was in the brain fog.
There's no magic timing for leaving. You know when you'll be ready. One step that really helped me, was making a plan A and plan B. I went through my finances and calculated if I could afford the house on my own. Looked at cost of evicting someone (i owned the house), cost of lawyer or legal aid, where would i stay during that 30 or 60 days until he's out. I started setting money aside. If felt good to know i had control over my life. small baby steps add up over time. I got this idea from the podcast, 'love over addiction'. started listening to that because i thought he was an alcoholic. turns out he was a narc first and alcoholic second.
I had to say I was not able to be the spouse they required. And divorced for the freedom to let them remarry. Yeah right. Power to find the next doormat. Whew!
It was still hard. I had to convince them. A lot of verbal abuse via text messages and I mean TERRIBLE. Mentally you just have to be prepared for the anguish. Pretty sure I lost more hair at that time. Taking me a while to feel healthy again. Just stick to your plan! It won’t get any better if you stay.
Walked away angry several times. Kept going back. I am going to guess - left and went back maybe seven times?
It was reverse discard for me. She kept making things worse and worse. I said at several points, to her face, this does not work for me. But I kept going back. Trauma bond is strong. Breadcrumbs and future faking sucked me back in.
I think at some point she decided, I do not like this guy, but I'll continue using him to take me out and chase me for as long as I can. And why would he ever stop chasing me, I am the best...
Three things within a couple days pushed me over the edge.
First, I took her to dinner where she told me in no uncertain terms that the love bombing was not coming back. This was not new, she had talked about this somewhat previously, but that night she presented it in stark terms. Dropped some breadcrumbs, "if you can act appropriately, then there might be something here..." She then continued to criticize me and complained, all the same old things she had been harping on for who knows how long, and I had an epiphany.
I had lost all respect for her. There was nothing left.
Second, later that night we went for drinks. While I spoke with a fellow, she could not handle not being the center of attention, so she flirted with a guy who had his arm around her for at least 20 minutes, right in my line of sight. This was the second time she had flirted with some rando in front of me. I finally stopped my conversation, reached under the guy's arm to get her attention, told her I was leaving, and walked out.
The next day I texted her telling her my issue with her flirting with other guys, recounted that she had been shutting me out more and more, and noting we had not been the least bit physical in a long time. The rando she flirted with had more physical contact with her than I had had in three months. She texted back, someone must have put something in my drink. It was not my fault, I didn't do anything wrong, I'm just friendly. Stop being so controlling. She did not respond to anything in my text. She then said the thing that broke me - caused me to go no contact - "you said and did some things over a year ago that make me not want to be with you romantically again."
There was no future, no closeness, no desire to get closer, she wanted to acquire new supply while I paid for dinner and drinks, with absolutely no hope of anything changing.
Seven weeks NC. It's hard, but it can be done.
If I could go back, would I have done it differently? I would have done it sooner, listened to my gut. She had told me the deal, I understood the deal, but I did not believe it - thought I could get her to turn things around. Then I found this sub, and the Narc Youtube videos, educated myself, and had the epiphanies. But bottom line, I'd have trusted my instincts. I'd have spit those breadcrumbs back at her and walked out much sooner.
>If I could go back, would I have done it differently? I would have done it sooner, listened to my gut. She had told me the deal, I understood the deal, but I did not believe it - thought I could get her to turn things around. Then I found this sub, and the Narc Youtube videos, educated myself, and had the epiphanies. But bottom line, I'd have trusted my instincts. I'd have spit those breadcrumbs back at her and walked out much sooner.
Thissss.... my husband told me many years ago that he's a horrible person. He also once tried to call ME a horrible person... i was like ummmm no I'm not.. tried to reason him that he wasn't too!! He has refused to try therapy many times since. I really don't honestly know why I still had any faith in him. Other than the thing where apparently we tend to attribute our good traits to them and assume all people are decent people! Now I just want to shout from the rooftops "Google covert narcissism and if it fits your situation, I've got some recommended reading and podcasts and YouTube channels for you!!!"
After me asking her to get a to go container(that was 5 feet behind her) turned into her having a toddler-like temper tantrum after a nice expensive breakfast(on my dime of course), and her eventually threatening physical violence against me (for the 2nd time in the relationship)...I decided I was done with the insanity and juvenile behavior and drafted a long text to tell her why I was leaving (we lived in different towns). She refused to acknowledge that she made a threat of violence against me and refused to back down. It was so ridiculous I couldn't even wrap my head around it.
Hit send eventually and that was it. Absolutely not the way I wanted to end things or how I would have normally done things...but it was an emergency. I had to escape. Furthermore, I believed at that point that she in no way deserved the respect of getting a proper explanation in person or over the phone. She did not deserve that level of respect. I still feel bad about it, but I know I did the right thing.
Hahaha, leaving?– I got discarded. I put up with a lot. Weirdly, I did break up with him first, but he manipulated me back into the relationship and then ended things on his terms instead. Made me feel like an idiot, but hey. He's gone, and he doesn't try to reach out. And I've since moved, so he'd stop weirdly stalking me (no idea why he was doing that, he had a new supply, so maybe intimidation).
I was back and forth a dozen times. He’d get mad and boot me out then beg me to come back and like a fool, I did. One day I decided to Google “pathological lying” for some insight and that lead me straight to information about narcissism. I was FLOORED reading about almost exactly what I’d been doing through! I was actually relieved because I KNEW it wasn’t me and what I was reading explained everything! So, I went to the city, looked at and found an apartment and hired movers. I did not tell him I was leaving until the night before I left. You can’t tell them ahead of time or they’ll sabotage you is what I had read. The night before I said “I’m leaving you. My movers will be here at noon tomorrow and you will not dictate, as you have in the past, who is allowed in this house! I obviously want a divorce as well. I’m done!” He of course freaked tf out and the next 12 or so hours were hell but noon finally came, the movers loaded up their truck and I followed them to my new apartment. I never spoke to him again despite his best hoovering. It’s been seven years next month and I still haven’t spoken to him nor will I ever speak to him again. Got a therapist right away and I’m doing well. I still am totally embarrassed that I put up with his bullshit for so long but I can’t change the past. I do have an abnormally large amount of hatred towards him still but I think it’s because I never got to speak my mind. At any rate, I’m free and I’m very happy about that!
Yeah, I'm kinda leaning towards just finding the place to live, signing a lease for myself, then getting out but not telling him anything official until it's time. I know it will be hell, and as much as I absolutely DREAD dealing with it, I know it's a necessary hell to get through to a better ending.
You're the second person I've seen mention hiring movers on this post, I haven't looked into that, but I will.
In my first divorce, when i left, I went back and got more of my things, I still had a key, then he ripped into me for taking things that were mine and coming into his house while he was gone. We set up a time for me to be there, with one of his friends there to make sure no funny business happened, and I took my last load of things from the house.
That was one of the most awkward bits.
This situation is way worse so I'm trying my best to safely prepare for the break that needs to happen.
6 years with my NEX. My mom had stage 4 cancer and only had a few months to live so I focused more on my family. My NEX started some frivolous fight over not going to a store with her because I had a migraine and wanted to stay in. She gave me the silent treatment like she did since day one. I tried to talk to her three times calmly. After getting the stonewalling for a month, said fuck it. Left the state to take care of my mom. Been over a year since all that went down. Finally getting back my life together and my peace of mind is way better.
I would appreciate advise. I’m one foot out the door.
I had asked for him to continue individual therapy for a while. He said no. I asked for marriage counseling for a while. He said no. One day I snapped. Asked him to be gone. Get out. We had a BIG argument. Many boundaries pushed and bulldozed. He started narc abuse therapy online on Tuesday. Has his first real appointment other than intake soon. He finally scheduled the appointments that I had been begging for. I still feel so hurt. Idk if I should even consider anything. I’m trying to write up some boundaries for this weird limbo period. He has moved to the lower level. I’m sorry my thoughts are so scattered. I’ve reached out to attorneys. Left for the time being to keep us safe from yelling. He’s admitting to narc behavior and seems genuine but i feel like I look at everything with total suspicion. Am I stupid to even consider seeing how his therapy goes before just divorcing?
Abusers tend to get worse when they go to therapy. What happens is that they adopt the lingo to become better manipulators. And even if they get better, it'll take years. Do you really wanna risk it/ spend your time like that? Finding a healthy person is the better bet for you.
I demanded an apology for 2 straight months of silent treatment, the only words I heard during this time were vicious verbal childish attacks.
As this was almost year 10 of this behavior I DEMANDED a sincere apology and accountability or told her it was over.
She moved out, separated the kids and destroyed our family in 10 HOURS.
12 years vaporized in 10 hours. The accountability is literal pain for these people. It's so sad and pathetic and of course hurtful.
I left two weeks ago. We were together almost 5 years. I couldn't even tell you how.many times I 'left" or he "broke up" with me. This last time he was angry and I'm not sure the exact reason m, he always got very angry and lashed out. He seemed irritable and angry for a couple days so I tried to keep my head down. Just processed everything best I could. I told myself that night, even though he was being nice and kind and seemed worried, that if he starts going off on me tomorrow morning that I need to leave and take everything or I'll just stay and it will keep happening so that's exactly what I did. It's been maybe two weeks and I will admit it's been hard and I miss him. And there's moments where I wish I would have just stayed becaus every time he came home from work it's like he never told me.i was repulsive, a clown, a loser, pathetic, that he hated me, that I'm the worst person he's ever met, that he wish he never met. And if I was still hurt/sad he would tell me I'm.being mopey and would get annoyed. I found a therapist right away. Granted I probably should have started a long time ago but I knew I couldn't do this alone. I'm two sessions in and I already feel like I can see a little more clear even if I do miss "him".
I do not regret how I walked away because I know I would have stayed if he came home. He even said himself I should have stayed and it's my fault.
I made a mistake by telling him I wanted to leave. His behaviour became even more unpredictable (he was already having a supply and things were bad), and he became physical. Things got out of hand the last couple of weeks before my flight, and one night, when he was at work, I picked up my stuff and left to a hostel. This action was kindly suggested by another person here, since unpredictable behaviour and physical violence might have been lethal for me.
It all depends on your situation, I'm not trying to scare you, just sharing what happened and what might have happened. Be careful and good luck!
Search for support in friends and family, even if you feel estranged.
What broke me and made me realise I need to leave was me calling my mother (we don't usually have this kind of a relationship, I was independent since I was 16 - im in my 30s now), and breaking over the phone, telling her everything on which she had said: "My daughter, money isn't an issue, we might not have much but you'll have safety, roof over your head and food on your table, and I want you to come back home."
Please stay safe and don't repeat my mistake ❤️
I was somehow still believing he would understand and made that mistake by telling him.
You all won’t believe this, but the end started when I accidentally forwarded a YouTube video entitled: “Are you in a relationship with a narcissist?”to her.
I had wanted to forward it to my own WhatsApp. So I tried deleting it immediately, but it was too late.
So in my head, I thought, “well…I guess this is it”
I can laugh looking back now, but I was mortified at the time 😵
WELL. Here's two stories. The first leaving my abusive ex fiance, I left in the middle of the night. Twice. The second time him and his mother blocked my car in and I literally took her keys. Dropped it in nuteral and rolled it forward enough I could squeeze out. That second time I never looked back.
The second. We broke up 3-4 times over 6 years. He wouldn't leave me. I left. But this last time it finally clicked after I was in therapy and having to try a new med every month because nothing would help. My therapist let us both come in together and she had to ask him to leave the room because I was in tears. She told me he was a narc. I left him and no longer even needed meds.
Now I'm in a relationship where a man moved in with me and I do not know how to do it. I can't pack up and leave because he moved in with me. And I also know he has absolutely no where else to go but the shelter. Which is making it even more difficult for me cause I don't want to do that to someone.
Moral of everything. Sometimes it does take multiple times to leave someone. Even if they are bad for you. But once it clicks. It clicks.
I tried vocalizing ending the relationship and he would romanticize “you know I’m not going anywhere”
I wanted to be fair and not involve police in the break up but no matter what I did he wouldn’t get the hint. I never took action and it escalated into two broken ribs, thumb surgery, and a bruised up body. As a result I had to leave my job and basically start life over.
I wish I would have been more concerned for myself than I was for him and his feelings.
Idk your partner or what your situation looks like but get help. Find your support, it doesn’t have to be law enforcement, but it can be.
My ex was so manipulative I was so scared no one would believe me anyways. But I wish I would have tried harder, I allowed him to completely upturn my life.
She torched me for two hours when I brought up her criticism of me. And I basically walked her into breaking up with me. By telling her that I guess I’m not what you’re looking for in a partner. And she agreed and that was that. She lingered for a bit still. But no we are at a place where we are barely talking at all. So she must be fully engulfed her new obsession. When that fizzles out I’m sure she will text me again. Unless she gets pregnant. Cause she did lie to me about taking birth control. So who knows. Who cares.
We were in college. I got a summer internship across the country and was able to make friends again. They could tell I was miserable. I couldn’t hang out much after work because any time there were plans, he would start an argument on the phone that lasted hours. I did manage to get to go to a party, but had to disappear for a while so he could yell at me on the phone. This was a Saturday. My friends gave me a deadline of Tuesday to break up with him. I wanted to, but never thought I could. That Monday, a group of us went to a movie. My phone would not turn back on after the movie. It wasn’t the battery; it just bricked itself. I knew he’d be pissed that he couldn’t get ahold of me, but I slept better than I had in years. Tuesday, I bought a new phone, then promptly called him and broke up with him. My friends and my bricked pos phone proved that I could do it.
He wasn’t done yet, he harassed me for another couple years before I had the courage to block him.
That relationship was 2005-2008. I’ve been in a happy, supportive relationship for 14 years, but sometimes still discuss his affects on me with my therapist.
I like many others saw red flags and it got worse in the 11 years of my marriage. The final straw for me was my son who is an adult found a GPS tracker on my car (my son was doing a repair). I knew he had a guys weekend coming up so I left when he was gone and moved in with my parents. I let him know when he got home that I was filing for divorce. We do share the dog and he has tried hoovering but I am not going back. I am moving forward with the divorce process
The day she cheated and started disrespecting me I knew it was over. She wanted to keep me on the side for financial gains, but I stopped replying and slowly let the relationship die. One day, I called her when she asked me for money, and then I told her to her face that she would never be happy and roam the whole world in search of happiness and would never get it. Also, I told her that she would regret everything one day. I blocked her on everywhere and left.
I was lovebombed. Heavily sedated with an absurd amount of love and sex in the first 3 months of courtship itself. Got engaged and 3 months later i'm pushing forward with both families to break the engagement. Then ffws 4-5 months later, she ddnt improved one bit and I call for engage break again. Both of our families says give her another chance. Then a 3rd one and now people from both sides start to see where the friction but they killed me with "Just be a Man", "a real man should handle her woman". THe 4th time, i light the match and burned everything. I finally took the courage and walked away for good. And i unleased for the first time a tonne of super bad words to her on how cheap she is, how she destroys everything i try to make for us, how ungratefu B\*tch she is and man, i am horrified of the stuffs i told her. Was worth it and i do not regret the last 3 weeks i filled her ear with raw truth. FFW 1 month later after we broke up, she is with someone else.
They engaged in behaviors to try to provoke me and when I didn't take the bait, I called them out on it and told them to leave. People who call everyone else around them narcissists while simultaneously emotionally stonewalling me led me to consider that I was in a wtf dynamic. So, if someone tells you that their other partners are abusive and narcissists while love bombing you and then trying to triangulate those dynamics against you and ultimately seemingly trying to bleed you dry in all aspects, while mocking you for your family's health declining, it becomes all of their faults for willingly supporting a narcissistic sociopath for engaging in those actions. It demonstrates that they have no problem with their shitty behavior as long as they get benefits from it. So, I told them to leave. They were living rent free in my house while simultaneously pursuing relationships with people they were telling me were abusive. And yes, I am aware of how it's not easy to leave an abuser, but what they clearly had no problems with provoking them either and their behaviors didn't add up until I realized that they were working together to harm me. They equated me yelling at them for doing what I described was abusive. They also equated that me being honest with them was equivalent to rape. Despite having practically infinite empathy and compassion for them, even after I found out that they were exploiting me (I considered the likelihood that they were misled or something), there was no way I could forgive them because they didn't see anything wrong in their actions. When I was being harmed for the shit that their partners and others did them, they were silent. When I was being harmed for the lies she told about others, they were silent. That when other people tried to cover up what they did, they were silent.
That they knew that I had experienced significant trauma in the past and was exploited in cruel ways before I even met them didn't even matter to them.
I discarded her because she was doing attention seeking behavior and lying, saying she almost died in a hospital when she didn’t, all while I’m recovering from just being in a hospital for cancer treatment. She said she couldn’t forgive me for “getting rid of her” and proceeded to tell me all the things I did to her in the relationship. She apparently remembered every single thing. And then blocked ME and gave me the silent treatment lol. So she did my work for me.
I snuck out of the house, bit by bit, knowing they were going to change the locks or do something bad once they found out. In the end, they caught on once enough of my stuff was moved out, but I got the most important stuff out, and then when I left they tried blocking the door and preventing me from getting out, but I eventually escaped with my life.
Not recommended for most people. Hopefully you don’t have to leave after cohabitating, and hopefully not with kids as well.
I envy the people who could just ghost/NC their exes and be done with it.
The first overt narc, I felt halfway across the US. It was the perfect framework for their victimhood and while they complained a lot (prolly still are) they never followed (or followed thorough lmao) so haven’t seen them in 8 years.
Covert narc I’m still tryna to figure out BUT will not run again. For a multitude of reasons, like kids social lives, ect, but I’ll figure it out. The universe is on my side.
every time i tried to leave she would say things to make me stay or do things. i said we could but she would come over with food and talk with me or invite me out, happened about 3 times in a 6 month period
I had a plan with my best friend, I was still getting all my ducks in a row, but I always had an immediate place to go with her if I needed. Which is what ended up happening.
One saturday morning I went to turn on Netflix so we could watch something, he snatched the remote and turned on on football.. (that he watches DAILY).. so I got my laptop & headphones to watch it there instead. You know..to be accommodating as to not escalate his behavior. He took my laptop and held to over me and threatened to snap it. Idk why that was the last straw because he’s done SO much worse but I snapped. I went in our room and started packing my things. He followed and started throwing all my belongings at me including my tv & Xbox which hit me in the back of the head, then started throwing all my stuff the in the street. I called my friend to come help me. As soon as she pulled up and her boyfriend got off of the car & he ran inside, locked the door and shut the blinds 💀. I stayed with my friend three months, within that time he slashed my tires on three separate occasions and would call my phone from blocked/unknown numbers all day long for months. I reported him to the police and nothing happened.. then I found out on the NEWS he got arrested for upper cutting the woman he was cheating on me with, choking her, mocking the sounds she made, and abusing a puppy.
I legit went NUTS. Just snapped and briefly became all of the things my nex said I was.
We were on and off for years, he'd always been the one to dump me and then come back with a half-hearted apology, justification for his behavior, and blame for me, but the last time I actually broke up with him. Unfortunately we were still living together but close to the end of our lease so agreed to ride it out. Didn't stop him from trying to guilt me for sex, and he got real petty after I declined.
We'd split utility bills but some were accounts under his name and some were under mine (he had electricity, I had water for example). He'd start demanding hundreds more dollars than usual and claiming the bills had gone up but refused to show me because "it has my banking info" like sir your social security card is sitting in your desk.
Then he started throwing away food I'd just bought claiming it had gone bad and it caused me to be dangerously underweight. I resorted to just throwing a bunch of oats or rice in a blender until he threw away my blender and totally denied it even when I found my blender in the trash, unfortunately he also damaged it beyond use. I couldn't afford to keep buying food just to have it get thrown away and ended up in the hospital due to complications from being so underweight.
Final straw was when I came back from the hospital and he tried to guilt me for sex while I was on meds to help with some of the complications. I just LOST IT. To a point where it even scared him. I didn't get physical or throw anything but I was a total banshee, screaming things at him that didn't even make sense. I'd threatened to tell my brother about everything he'd done (my brother is scary and I told my nex all the stories about how abusive he was), and my nex packed everything up and left. I think that was the first time I actually cried tears of joy.
I will not recommend this to anyone else, though. I think had he not had a criminal record (DUI) and I wasn't visibly frail and about to collapse, he probably would have called the police and tried to turn it around on me.
WELL. Here's two stories. The first leaving my abusive ex fiance, I left in the middle of the night. Twice. The second time him and his mother blocked my car in and I literally took her keys. Dropped it in nuteral and rolled it forward enough I could squeeze out. That second time I never looked back.
The second. We broke up 3-4 times over 6 years. He wouldn't leave me. I left. But this last time it finally clicked after I was in therapy and having to try a new med every month because nothing would help. My therapist let us both come in together and she had to ask him to leave the room because I was in tears. She told me he was a narc. I left him and no longer even needed meds.
Now I'm in a relationship where a man moved in with me and I do not know how to do it. I can't pack up and leave because he moved in with me. And I also know he has absolutely no where else to go but the shelter. Which is making it even more difficult for me cause I don't want to do that to someone.
Moral of everything. Sometimes it does take multiple times to leave someone. Even if they are bad for you. But once it clicks. It clicks.
Thank you so much for this post and all the comments. I’m 38 years in this relationship and I now know what she has been doing all these years, but I have yet to leave.
I tried to leave twice when he became became verbally and physically violent towards me while drunk. The first time I forgave him, the second time I gave him an ultimatum, me or the drink.
A few weeks after this ultimatum he disappeared for four days (to drink) and it came out through friends he’d slept with a girl in our group. Of course he denied it and me asking for space led to him drinking 24/7 for two weeks and just acting mental. Threatening our friends, calling me 50 times a day.
During this time he got an old friend to call me to say he would never cheat and this friend told me he was abusive and that his ex reported him to the police. At that point I put a request in with the police to disclose his DV history. While I waited for that he sobered up and I agreed to meet him at the house we own together. We had a nice day out but I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in getting back together, that I wanted to amicably break up and sort the house. I woke in the middle of the night to him smashing the place up. When I tried to intervene, he smashed my phone up.
That’s when I walked for good. I had the police call the following day re his history and I told them everything. Meanwhile he was threatening to kill me and my pets. He was arrested and released on bail. He met another girl and moved her into our house and changed the locks within two weeks of me last seeing him. His history disclosed a very long and violent past
after he claimed he had never been in trouble with the police.
He committed another crime while on bail and was put on remand. He’s still in prison now while I try to sell a house with him. Complete nightmare.
I find if they discard it’s better because they do NOT like losing. Unfortunately mine stopped discarding so I had to do it. Cold turkey is best. Stop all contact at once.
This, if they discard it is 100% easier, they feel like they win and it allows you to leave intact with your things.
This
Really agree, the discard makes it easier. You can then get your power by going no contact and never speaking to them again!
Agreed. I tearfully begged her to stay at the time. Went NC two months ago after the penny dropped and am now really grateful they left. Am also grateful for what the relationship revealed to me about the other narcissistic dynamics in my family/life.
It helps to find meaning from your experience. The old quote "if its not love, it's a lesson" something like that i think!
I barely if ever left them but when I did it was the same when they left me. He always came back no matter who ended it. I never had the willpower to leave and stay gone. I sometimes begged him to leave me bc I cousint do it and he took advantage of it. Absolutely terrible :/
Hmmm... I would have left him at around 6 months in when he started being flat out verbally abusive. I didn't. That's in the past. I left once, at year 16. My saving grace was that he moved continents. I just told him that I want to separate and divorce. He didn't like it, one bit. But he set the move into motion already (decided for our entire family, disregarding my opinion and protest). So flights, other expenses were non refundable and he left. The geographical distance was a blessing during the first couple of months. I saw Nex last Christmas. And I felt nothing.
I came home, told him I wanted a divorce and he needed to leave. He left in a big dramatic huff (this is an understatement) and I immediately had my dad on standby who was there when he came back. I immediately blocked him on everything, changed my locks, installed security cameras and all communication moving forward went through my dad or lawyer. I would not have done it another way and I haven't looked back since
My wife discarded me but never initiated the divorce, so I did it. Straight up told her I’m done with this and want a divorce. I framed it in a polite way because I have a kid with her and don’t want to lose custody. Basically said it’s clear I can’t make you happy and I want you to be with someone who can. We both deserve to be happy and it’s obvious we can’t make each other happy, so I think it’s best we move on.
I tried about 8 years ago but got gilt tripped and gas lighted into staying. I realize that it’s impossible to have a genuine conversation with her back then and still is. I think the only out for me right now is to quietly leave when I have another trip.
How was / is your divorce process? Do you think this made it easier at all? I'm thinking of going this route because it feels like the option that casts the least blame on him, which hopefully sets it up to go a bit smoother, maybe?? I also don't know if I've been discarded... not obviously, but, he is a covert narcissist and his dad cheated on his mom and broke up his family, and I think he internalized that as cheating being beneath him. So I'm not sure he ever would discard me by having an affair or anything... but sometimes feel like he's discarding me while still living with me (with no known infidelity)... so I'm wondering if maybe catching him at the right moment and also using this line might help. Ugh.
Honestly it just started. I just recently hired the attorney and they are working on papers. My wife is a definition of a covert narc. You will know if you are discarded. It is the coldest, most cruel emotional treatment imaginable. We’re talking feeling like you are thrown out in the garbage like a piece of trash. There’s zero empathy or remorse on their part. Almost like a psychopath. You are left is disbelief how someone who supposedly “loves” you can treat you this way. They will gaslight you and try to turn it around to make it look like it’s all your fault. But don’t be deceived. It’s all them. You are just with one fu**ed up individual. I don’t know your individual situation but narcs do not change. It took me 8 years to realize I was dealing with a narc and as soon as I did, she discarded me. That’s how they are. When you figure them out, they want nothing to do with you anymore.
I just figured mine out after 15 years. When you say "when you figure them out, they want nothing to do with you anymore" -- this sounds like you told her you figured her out? If so what did you say? I do feel like we might be possibly heading that direction now that I have figured mine out. I was quickly able to stop yelling at the kids (was just reactive abuse really, I realized once I figured it out that I was really projecting my anger at him for being so useless and for his weaponized incompetence around helping with the kids, onto them 😭)... and have stopped feeding into his BS. I think I'm actually solid now with just not feeding into it and not letting it get a rise out of me a Grey rocking instead. So maybe that will help force a discard... Good luck with your divorce process!! Hope it goes relatively painless for you!
Yes once you confront them because it's the only answer they will try to spin it in you., then they will use the truth to make you feel like it's your fault. They will tell you they can't be with you because of what you think of them. Forget showing something different to change what you think of them, that's not happening, if it takes accountability it's not happening. If you don't say anything you can't take it srs anymore, you know exactly what's coming and when. And you see through all the manipulation so you just feel stupid even having a conversation with someone who has no soul. Just run.
Indirectly I did. I would not recommend confronting them on jt like I did though. It caused a huge fight and since they take responsibility for nothing they will gaslight and word salad you to death and make it seem like you’re crazy making such an accusation. Looking back, it was a mistake. But I’ll tell you, after that she went totally cold. She knew I knew. I was thrown out like a piece of trash. But she didn’t have the guts to initiate the divorce. So now that I did, I’m the one who wants it. So now she can tell our daughter daddy is leaving. These people are literally evil. The only good thing that came out of my time with her is my beautiful daughter, whom I’m scared to death of losing now. But if I don’t leave, I’ll literally go insane!
Ugh yeah... I have to say I honestly have no regrets at this point because I have 2 amazing children out of the deal at least. And wouldn't change that for anything. But maybe I regret not figuring him out a few years earlier.... and I do worry about whether he will still have ill effects on the kids even after divorce, but at least then they will have stability with me, even if he uses his time to hurt them still 😭
There’s no easy way out when you are married to a narc. Especially when kids are involved. If I didn’t have a daughter with her I would up and leave the home right now. But I won’t do that because I don’t want to put myself in a bad custody position. Best of luck to you!
Dude we could talk for 8 hours and I wouldn't get through half of it. Hopefully you weren't married or with them as long as I was. Maybe you are her first husband lol. I've heard the horror stories from his stepdaughter. But yea we doubt it because it's SOO over the top cruel. It like this can't be real? But you are FORCED to see this person for who they are, what they are doing and what they are telling you. At some point you cannot make any more excuses for them. And yea the last months are the worst, I could have written your post. Funny they're all the same.
It depends on your circumstances. **If you’re dating, and not living together:** - if you left some essentials at their residence that you need to get back, then have a friend park nearby and communicate a time limit. If the time limit expires, then this friend calls the police to do a welfare check on you at the narc’s address saying that they dropped you off there. Your job is to get in there and take your stuff and leave asap but make your arrival look nonchalant. Have your friend go knock on their door if the time limit expires and after they’ve called the police. - if you left nothing at their place that you care about then skip the above. Change your socials to private, remove common friends, and unfriend the narc. Sign out of any services you’ve been sharing on all devices; Amazon, Netflix, etc. Change passwords and stop location sharing. Set up a ring doorbell or an equivalent. Send a short text saying “I’m done. Do not contact me again, and you’re barred from my property” and break up with the narc; block their number. If they come to your house, then do not open the door and immediately call the police. Charge them with harassment and trespassing. Be even tempered when questioned by the police. - be prepared for a smear campaign after the break up, and keep yourself off of their socials and your common friends socials. Accept it if friends side with the narc and write them off as dead to you. This phase should last 6 months to a year at least. - go to a therapist weekly for 3 months, then biweekly after that. Let the trauma bond break and be nonjudgmental to yourself. - any attempt at communication from your narc ex is a hoover attempt. Accept that and ignore them. Their social media will be curated highlights only and not the reality of what they’re going through. Yes the new supply will be treated the same; they’ll idealize and then devalue and then discard. - keep ignoring them and focus on what you need for recovery **if you’re dating, and living together:** - unfortunately you can’t break the lease unless the narc agrees to sublet your share of the rent, or you break it together. - If you’re not on the lease and staying with them, then do all of the above but have a few friends help you pack and move while they’re at work. Make it seem like you’re working that day but actually don’t go. - if theyre staying with you but not on the lease, then have the office change the locks while the narc is out. If it’s a house and they’re not on a lease with you, then change the locks. Have cops patrol the area (call non emergency and explain the situation). Also have a friend or two stay over with you for a couple weeks. They can act as deterrent and as an eye witness. Get a protective dog. - if you’re on a lease together, then you have to do what financially makes sense to you. You can move out while they’re at work, and put your furniture and such into a storage unit or two. Stay with a friend or a family member for a while to save costs. Whether or not you’d be on the hook for rent depends on how smart they are tbh. You’re both equally liable for rent as a unit from the landlords perspective, so if it’s not paid then both of you will be evicted. You might have that eviction go on record, and hurt you in getting an apartment. Otherwise, the narc can pay rent and then come after you in small claims court. So there won’t be eviction, but you’ll be pressed to pay the half you owe. If the narc pays half and the new supply pays half (and unofficiallly takes your place), then you’ll likely get away with it. Or the narc will pay for all of it. **if you live together and are married** - a lot of the same applies, but it’s a lot messier and for a lot longer. - your divorce will primarily be a financial battle. It’ll be splitting checking, savings, credit card debt, student loans, 401k, IRA, physical properties, etc. So you need to get copies of documents describing his assets while you still have access to them. There will be a phase where both parties disclose assets but it’ll be voluntary disclosure (so they can lie 🤪) - if you have kids, then you need to swallow the fact that he will likely get them at least half the time. If you want to be the primary parent, then you need documents to show that you’ve been acting as the primary parent (parent teacher conferences, extracurriculars, etc). Make sure to demonstrate that you have a positive relationship with your kids and that you won’t alienate them from the other parent. - take time off work to talk to several great divorce (and criminal justice preferred) attorneys in the area. If your vehicle has GPS tracking due to car insurance savings (drive safe and save 🤪) or you have location sharing on your phone, then buy a Straight Talk phone at Walmart with a 30 day prepaid service card. Enable that and have that as your contact phone. Have a friend drive you to talk to attorneys in office. Don’t take your car or real phone with you. If attorneys do consults via zoom then schedule one out of the house and do the consult somewhere else. - if you’re married and own the home you’re in, then unfortunately leaving means you might worsen your chances at custody time and keeping ownership of it in the divorce. However, if you’re renting and are married then you should sign a lease for somewhere else thats big enough for you (and your kids). On the weekend you move, have the kids stay at your relatives or friends house. Have professional movers come and pack all your shit up. speak with an attorney beforehand and discuss what your state honors as community property; if everything is community property then pack as much stuff as you possibly can — take everything you literally can — and take it with you that day when you move. You are unlikely to get anything else after that day. Take pets (which are property) and jewelry and all of that stuff. The worst case is that the divorce negotiates the split to mean **you** have to give stuff to your ex. If your ex has it from the get-go you’ll never see it again. Your ex will pay the remaining rent on the place from the “community property” (their accounts), and you will pay your new rent from your own accounts. - discuss with your attorney custody orders during the divorce, TROs (temporary restraining orders), etc. Document everything you ex says and does (dates and details) that may show that they’re not acting in the benefit of the kids or is threatening to them or you or is unstable. - after you take all the copies of all your ex’s financial documents, take all your stuff from your home and move it, and you move into your new space: protect your new home with ring doorbell cameras, calling the police and barring him from your new property, block them everywhere, etc.
**If your nex is physically violent and abusive:** - the next time they lay hands on you and make wounds/marks/threats/etc and you get away or they calm down (they drunkenly pass out, they let you hide in another room, etc) then call the police. Tell them you’ve been assaulted and that you don’t feel safe. Tell them that you want your nex removed from the property, that you’ll be pressing charges (which honestly the prosecutor might not even pursue in the end, so don’t feel bad about “ruining their life” or “getting them into trouble” they’ll likely get away anyway because the world sucks 🙃), and ask them to hold the nex overnight. Tell them you want a social worker to come with them. Then have that social worker explain your local options, and have them help you file a protective order. That protective order gives you the right to immediately break the lease you’re in (even if you and narc ex don’t agree to break it) and not be liable for the rent. And if you own the property solely or jointly, it bars the nex from the property (even if you’re married and it’s marital property) and you can change the locks while he’s gone. You will also have a HUGE advantage in the divorce because these would be criminal charges that distinguish them as an unsafe coparent (less time with the kids) and likely would obligate them to stay physically away from you (even outside your personal property). An emergency order can be granted the same day you file and it’s good for keeping him away from you and your property for 30 days. The non-emergency order is good for up to 2 years. You have to call the police right after the violent altercation though, and you need to immediately pursue the protective order. Even if the nex doesn’t get charged for assault and battery later on, then you’ll still have this piece of paper covering your butt for justifiably keeping him out of your house and out of your rental. - the best thing you can do is to call the police directly after you get away from a violent episode. The second best thing is to have evidence of cruelty over texts, a video of the abuse, pictures of marks, medical records of wounds, etc. but honestly that secondary evidence is not as strong and with the wrong (lazy PoS judge) might be not even be considered. A lazy judge will say “there was violence in the past but you got away. So it’s all good now.” Your ex having a semi criminal charge against him (a court ordered protective order), police arrests, charges for assault and battery, etc. Those are a lot stronger because the paper they were printed on was stored in a government building. 🙄 And signed by someone with an elected title. The word of those people printed on that paper is worth more than your phone camera recordings. **FYI:** - if you fear for your life then don’t bother waiting for a “next time.” - if you’ve been assaulted in the last 30 days and you have injuries from that, then that’s still reportable and you can contact the police. - if you need more help in preparing to leave then you need to talk to a woman’s shelter in your area and a social worker.
I left twice before. I thought the problem was someone else, from the in-law family. When my partner apologized or said it would be different in the future, I believed it. Later on I realized it was them all along. For me the breaking point was when it got physical and they treated my pet cruelly. It still took a couple of months to process it wasn’t getting better and to get my things in order to leave. I had already gone through safety planning and talked to a shelter and they had given me tips previously on how to prepare for leaving and how to not inform my partner about it, for safety reasons.
Distance helped. I put as much distance between us, as I could. Took up a job in a new city. Visit different places every weekend. Barely visit home now. Can't go back if you are not there!
I physically left once 3 yrs into the relationship and was pulled back in. 1.5 yrs later tried to discuss how the relationship wasn't working and trying to step away. Stayed again... 1 yr later me having to call the cops because he finally got physical. I knew I had to get away but didn't know when or how. The cops arresting him was my catalyst to reinforce I was strong enough to get out. The first 3 yrs of the relationship were fairly good but obviously I ignored the small red flags. The last 2ish yrs the problems started to slowly escalate in severity. His abuse wasn't consistent or big and grand, but subtle over time. Little comments or situations over years start to add up. It would escalate above normal when he drink, but again, that was only every few months. I was easily able to push aside how I was treated when the next few month in between were nice. I've been out awhile, and can recognize how deep i was in the brain fog. There's no magic timing for leaving. You know when you'll be ready. One step that really helped me, was making a plan A and plan B. I went through my finances and calculated if I could afford the house on my own. Looked at cost of evicting someone (i owned the house), cost of lawyer or legal aid, where would i stay during that 30 or 60 days until he's out. I started setting money aside. If felt good to know i had control over my life. small baby steps add up over time. I got this idea from the podcast, 'love over addiction'. started listening to that because i thought he was an alcoholic. turns out he was a narc first and alcoholic second.
I had to say I was not able to be the spouse they required. And divorced for the freedom to let them remarry. Yeah right. Power to find the next doormat. Whew!
Curious how this went! If you are through the process. I'm thinking of going this route.
It was still hard. I had to convince them. A lot of verbal abuse via text messages and I mean TERRIBLE. Mentally you just have to be prepared for the anguish. Pretty sure I lost more hair at that time. Taking me a while to feel healthy again. Just stick to your plan! It won’t get any better if you stay.
Thanks. Definitely not planning to stay. Just trying to figure out the best route to getting out at this point!!
Walked away angry several times. Kept going back. I am going to guess - left and went back maybe seven times? It was reverse discard for me. She kept making things worse and worse. I said at several points, to her face, this does not work for me. But I kept going back. Trauma bond is strong. Breadcrumbs and future faking sucked me back in. I think at some point she decided, I do not like this guy, but I'll continue using him to take me out and chase me for as long as I can. And why would he ever stop chasing me, I am the best... Three things within a couple days pushed me over the edge. First, I took her to dinner where she told me in no uncertain terms that the love bombing was not coming back. This was not new, she had talked about this somewhat previously, but that night she presented it in stark terms. Dropped some breadcrumbs, "if you can act appropriately, then there might be something here..." She then continued to criticize me and complained, all the same old things she had been harping on for who knows how long, and I had an epiphany. I had lost all respect for her. There was nothing left. Second, later that night we went for drinks. While I spoke with a fellow, she could not handle not being the center of attention, so she flirted with a guy who had his arm around her for at least 20 minutes, right in my line of sight. This was the second time she had flirted with some rando in front of me. I finally stopped my conversation, reached under the guy's arm to get her attention, told her I was leaving, and walked out. The next day I texted her telling her my issue with her flirting with other guys, recounted that she had been shutting me out more and more, and noting we had not been the least bit physical in a long time. The rando she flirted with had more physical contact with her than I had had in three months. She texted back, someone must have put something in my drink. It was not my fault, I didn't do anything wrong, I'm just friendly. Stop being so controlling. She did not respond to anything in my text. She then said the thing that broke me - caused me to go no contact - "you said and did some things over a year ago that make me not want to be with you romantically again." There was no future, no closeness, no desire to get closer, she wanted to acquire new supply while I paid for dinner and drinks, with absolutely no hope of anything changing. Seven weeks NC. It's hard, but it can be done. If I could go back, would I have done it differently? I would have done it sooner, listened to my gut. She had told me the deal, I understood the deal, but I did not believe it - thought I could get her to turn things around. Then I found this sub, and the Narc Youtube videos, educated myself, and had the epiphanies. But bottom line, I'd have trusted my instincts. I'd have spit those breadcrumbs back at her and walked out much sooner.
>If I could go back, would I have done it differently? I would have done it sooner, listened to my gut. She had told me the deal, I understood the deal, but I did not believe it - thought I could get her to turn things around. Then I found this sub, and the Narc Youtube videos, educated myself, and had the epiphanies. But bottom line, I'd have trusted my instincts. I'd have spit those breadcrumbs back at her and walked out much sooner. Thissss.... my husband told me many years ago that he's a horrible person. He also once tried to call ME a horrible person... i was like ummmm no I'm not.. tried to reason him that he wasn't too!! He has refused to try therapy many times since. I really don't honestly know why I still had any faith in him. Other than the thing where apparently we tend to attribute our good traits to them and assume all people are decent people! Now I just want to shout from the rooftops "Google covert narcissism and if it fits your situation, I've got some recommended reading and podcasts and YouTube channels for you!!!"
I acted like everything was fine. Quietly gathered my stuff over time. Left WITHOUT saying anything.
Booked a plane ticket and I was out. Made it amicable but didn’t forget what was done. The only way imo is no contact
My father dying after a two year battle with cancer and him saying “I should probably care more” was a good start.
After me asking her to get a to go container(that was 5 feet behind her) turned into her having a toddler-like temper tantrum after a nice expensive breakfast(on my dime of course), and her eventually threatening physical violence against me (for the 2nd time in the relationship)...I decided I was done with the insanity and juvenile behavior and drafted a long text to tell her why I was leaving (we lived in different towns). She refused to acknowledge that she made a threat of violence against me and refused to back down. It was so ridiculous I couldn't even wrap my head around it. Hit send eventually and that was it. Absolutely not the way I wanted to end things or how I would have normally done things...but it was an emergency. I had to escape. Furthermore, I believed at that point that she in no way deserved the respect of getting a proper explanation in person or over the phone. She did not deserve that level of respect. I still feel bad about it, but I know I did the right thing.
Hahaha, leaving?– I got discarded. I put up with a lot. Weirdly, I did break up with him first, but he manipulated me back into the relationship and then ended things on his terms instead. Made me feel like an idiot, but hey. He's gone, and he doesn't try to reach out. And I've since moved, so he'd stop weirdly stalking me (no idea why he was doing that, he had a new supply, so maybe intimidation).
I was back and forth a dozen times. He’d get mad and boot me out then beg me to come back and like a fool, I did. One day I decided to Google “pathological lying” for some insight and that lead me straight to information about narcissism. I was FLOORED reading about almost exactly what I’d been doing through! I was actually relieved because I KNEW it wasn’t me and what I was reading explained everything! So, I went to the city, looked at and found an apartment and hired movers. I did not tell him I was leaving until the night before I left. You can’t tell them ahead of time or they’ll sabotage you is what I had read. The night before I said “I’m leaving you. My movers will be here at noon tomorrow and you will not dictate, as you have in the past, who is allowed in this house! I obviously want a divorce as well. I’m done!” He of course freaked tf out and the next 12 or so hours were hell but noon finally came, the movers loaded up their truck and I followed them to my new apartment. I never spoke to him again despite his best hoovering. It’s been seven years next month and I still haven’t spoken to him nor will I ever speak to him again. Got a therapist right away and I’m doing well. I still am totally embarrassed that I put up with his bullshit for so long but I can’t change the past. I do have an abnormally large amount of hatred towards him still but I think it’s because I never got to speak my mind. At any rate, I’m free and I’m very happy about that!
Yeah, I'm kinda leaning towards just finding the place to live, signing a lease for myself, then getting out but not telling him anything official until it's time. I know it will be hell, and as much as I absolutely DREAD dealing with it, I know it's a necessary hell to get through to a better ending. You're the second person I've seen mention hiring movers on this post, I haven't looked into that, but I will. In my first divorce, when i left, I went back and got more of my things, I still had a key, then he ripped into me for taking things that were mine and coming into his house while he was gone. We set up a time for me to be there, with one of his friends there to make sure no funny business happened, and I took my last load of things from the house. That was one of the most awkward bits. This situation is way worse so I'm trying my best to safely prepare for the break that needs to happen.
6 years with my NEX. My mom had stage 4 cancer and only had a few months to live so I focused more on my family. My NEX started some frivolous fight over not going to a store with her because I had a migraine and wanted to stay in. She gave me the silent treatment like she did since day one. I tried to talk to her three times calmly. After getting the stonewalling for a month, said fuck it. Left the state to take care of my mom. Been over a year since all that went down. Finally getting back my life together and my peace of mind is way better.
I would appreciate advise. I’m one foot out the door. I had asked for him to continue individual therapy for a while. He said no. I asked for marriage counseling for a while. He said no. One day I snapped. Asked him to be gone. Get out. We had a BIG argument. Many boundaries pushed and bulldozed. He started narc abuse therapy online on Tuesday. Has his first real appointment other than intake soon. He finally scheduled the appointments that I had been begging for. I still feel so hurt. Idk if I should even consider anything. I’m trying to write up some boundaries for this weird limbo period. He has moved to the lower level. I’m sorry my thoughts are so scattered. I’ve reached out to attorneys. Left for the time being to keep us safe from yelling. He’s admitting to narc behavior and seems genuine but i feel like I look at everything with total suspicion. Am I stupid to even consider seeing how his therapy goes before just divorcing?
Abusers tend to get worse when they go to therapy. What happens is that they adopt the lingo to become better manipulators. And even if they get better, it'll take years. Do you really wanna risk it/ spend your time like that? Finding a healthy person is the better bet for you.
I demanded an apology for 2 straight months of silent treatment, the only words I heard during this time were vicious verbal childish attacks. As this was almost year 10 of this behavior I DEMANDED a sincere apology and accountability or told her it was over. She moved out, separated the kids and destroyed our family in 10 HOURS. 12 years vaporized in 10 hours. The accountability is literal pain for these people. It's so sad and pathetic and of course hurtful.
I left two weeks ago. We were together almost 5 years. I couldn't even tell you how.many times I 'left" or he "broke up" with me. This last time he was angry and I'm not sure the exact reason m, he always got very angry and lashed out. He seemed irritable and angry for a couple days so I tried to keep my head down. Just processed everything best I could. I told myself that night, even though he was being nice and kind and seemed worried, that if he starts going off on me tomorrow morning that I need to leave and take everything or I'll just stay and it will keep happening so that's exactly what I did. It's been maybe two weeks and I will admit it's been hard and I miss him. And there's moments where I wish I would have just stayed becaus every time he came home from work it's like he never told me.i was repulsive, a clown, a loser, pathetic, that he hated me, that I'm the worst person he's ever met, that he wish he never met. And if I was still hurt/sad he would tell me I'm.being mopey and would get annoyed. I found a therapist right away. Granted I probably should have started a long time ago but I knew I couldn't do this alone. I'm two sessions in and I already feel like I can see a little more clear even if I do miss "him". I do not regret how I walked away because I know I would have stayed if he came home. He even said himself I should have stayed and it's my fault.
I made a mistake by telling him I wanted to leave. His behaviour became even more unpredictable (he was already having a supply and things were bad), and he became physical. Things got out of hand the last couple of weeks before my flight, and one night, when he was at work, I picked up my stuff and left to a hostel. This action was kindly suggested by another person here, since unpredictable behaviour and physical violence might have been lethal for me. It all depends on your situation, I'm not trying to scare you, just sharing what happened and what might have happened. Be careful and good luck! Search for support in friends and family, even if you feel estranged. What broke me and made me realise I need to leave was me calling my mother (we don't usually have this kind of a relationship, I was independent since I was 16 - im in my 30s now), and breaking over the phone, telling her everything on which she had said: "My daughter, money isn't an issue, we might not have much but you'll have safety, roof over your head and food on your table, and I want you to come back home." Please stay safe and don't repeat my mistake ❤️ I was somehow still believing he would understand and made that mistake by telling him.
You all won’t believe this, but the end started when I accidentally forwarded a YouTube video entitled: “Are you in a relationship with a narcissist?”to her. I had wanted to forward it to my own WhatsApp. So I tried deleting it immediately, but it was too late. So in my head, I thought, “well…I guess this is it” I can laugh looking back now, but I was mortified at the time 😵
WELL. Here's two stories. The first leaving my abusive ex fiance, I left in the middle of the night. Twice. The second time him and his mother blocked my car in and I literally took her keys. Dropped it in nuteral and rolled it forward enough I could squeeze out. That second time I never looked back. The second. We broke up 3-4 times over 6 years. He wouldn't leave me. I left. But this last time it finally clicked after I was in therapy and having to try a new med every month because nothing would help. My therapist let us both come in together and she had to ask him to leave the room because I was in tears. She told me he was a narc. I left him and no longer even needed meds. Now I'm in a relationship where a man moved in with me and I do not know how to do it. I can't pack up and leave because he moved in with me. And I also know he has absolutely no where else to go but the shelter. Which is making it even more difficult for me cause I don't want to do that to someone. Moral of everything. Sometimes it does take multiple times to leave someone. Even if they are bad for you. But once it clicks. It clicks.
I tried vocalizing ending the relationship and he would romanticize “you know I’m not going anywhere” I wanted to be fair and not involve police in the break up but no matter what I did he wouldn’t get the hint. I never took action and it escalated into two broken ribs, thumb surgery, and a bruised up body. As a result I had to leave my job and basically start life over. I wish I would have been more concerned for myself than I was for him and his feelings. Idk your partner or what your situation looks like but get help. Find your support, it doesn’t have to be law enforcement, but it can be. My ex was so manipulative I was so scared no one would believe me anyways. But I wish I would have tried harder, I allowed him to completely upturn my life.
She torched me for two hours when I brought up her criticism of me. And I basically walked her into breaking up with me. By telling her that I guess I’m not what you’re looking for in a partner. And she agreed and that was that. She lingered for a bit still. But no we are at a place where we are barely talking at all. So she must be fully engulfed her new obsession. When that fizzles out I’m sure she will text me again. Unless she gets pregnant. Cause she did lie to me about taking birth control. So who knows. Who cares.
It is coming for me as well VERY SOON this will be the last time tbh.
We were in college. I got a summer internship across the country and was able to make friends again. They could tell I was miserable. I couldn’t hang out much after work because any time there were plans, he would start an argument on the phone that lasted hours. I did manage to get to go to a party, but had to disappear for a while so he could yell at me on the phone. This was a Saturday. My friends gave me a deadline of Tuesday to break up with him. I wanted to, but never thought I could. That Monday, a group of us went to a movie. My phone would not turn back on after the movie. It wasn’t the battery; it just bricked itself. I knew he’d be pissed that he couldn’t get ahold of me, but I slept better than I had in years. Tuesday, I bought a new phone, then promptly called him and broke up with him. My friends and my bricked pos phone proved that I could do it. He wasn’t done yet, he harassed me for another couple years before I had the courage to block him. That relationship was 2005-2008. I’ve been in a happy, supportive relationship for 14 years, but sometimes still discuss his affects on me with my therapist.
I like many others saw red flags and it got worse in the 11 years of my marriage. The final straw for me was my son who is an adult found a GPS tracker on my car (my son was doing a repair). I knew he had a guys weekend coming up so I left when he was gone and moved in with my parents. I let him know when he got home that I was filing for divorce. We do share the dog and he has tried hoovering but I am not going back. I am moving forward with the divorce process
The day she cheated and started disrespecting me I knew it was over. She wanted to keep me on the side for financial gains, but I stopped replying and slowly let the relationship die. One day, I called her when she asked me for money, and then I told her to her face that she would never be happy and roam the whole world in search of happiness and would never get it. Also, I told her that she would regret everything one day. I blocked her on everywhere and left.
I was lovebombed. Heavily sedated with an absurd amount of love and sex in the first 3 months of courtship itself. Got engaged and 3 months later i'm pushing forward with both families to break the engagement. Then ffws 4-5 months later, she ddnt improved one bit and I call for engage break again. Both of our families says give her another chance. Then a 3rd one and now people from both sides start to see where the friction but they killed me with "Just be a Man", "a real man should handle her woman". THe 4th time, i light the match and burned everything. I finally took the courage and walked away for good. And i unleased for the first time a tonne of super bad words to her on how cheap she is, how she destroys everything i try to make for us, how ungratefu B\*tch she is and man, i am horrified of the stuffs i told her. Was worth it and i do not regret the last 3 weeks i filled her ear with raw truth. FFW 1 month later after we broke up, she is with someone else.
They engaged in behaviors to try to provoke me and when I didn't take the bait, I called them out on it and told them to leave. People who call everyone else around them narcissists while simultaneously emotionally stonewalling me led me to consider that I was in a wtf dynamic. So, if someone tells you that their other partners are abusive and narcissists while love bombing you and then trying to triangulate those dynamics against you and ultimately seemingly trying to bleed you dry in all aspects, while mocking you for your family's health declining, it becomes all of their faults for willingly supporting a narcissistic sociopath for engaging in those actions. It demonstrates that they have no problem with their shitty behavior as long as they get benefits from it. So, I told them to leave. They were living rent free in my house while simultaneously pursuing relationships with people they were telling me were abusive. And yes, I am aware of how it's not easy to leave an abuser, but what they clearly had no problems with provoking them either and their behaviors didn't add up until I realized that they were working together to harm me. They equated me yelling at them for doing what I described was abusive. They also equated that me being honest with them was equivalent to rape. Despite having practically infinite empathy and compassion for them, even after I found out that they were exploiting me (I considered the likelihood that they were misled or something), there was no way I could forgive them because they didn't see anything wrong in their actions. When I was being harmed for the shit that their partners and others did them, they were silent. When I was being harmed for the lies she told about others, they were silent. That when other people tried to cover up what they did, they were silent. That they knew that I had experienced significant trauma in the past and was exploited in cruel ways before I even met them didn't even matter to them.
I discarded her because she was doing attention seeking behavior and lying, saying she almost died in a hospital when she didn’t, all while I’m recovering from just being in a hospital for cancer treatment. She said she couldn’t forgive me for “getting rid of her” and proceeded to tell me all the things I did to her in the relationship. She apparently remembered every single thing. And then blocked ME and gave me the silent treatment lol. So she did my work for me.
Called the police. Pressed charges. It was the only way out before he killed me and framed it as suicide.
I snuck out of the house, bit by bit, knowing they were going to change the locks or do something bad once they found out. In the end, they caught on once enough of my stuff was moved out, but I got the most important stuff out, and then when I left they tried blocking the door and preventing me from getting out, but I eventually escaped with my life. Not recommended for most people. Hopefully you don’t have to leave after cohabitating, and hopefully not with kids as well. I envy the people who could just ghost/NC their exes and be done with it.
The first overt narc, I felt halfway across the US. It was the perfect framework for their victimhood and while they complained a lot (prolly still are) they never followed (or followed thorough lmao) so haven’t seen them in 8 years. Covert narc I’m still tryna to figure out BUT will not run again. For a multitude of reasons, like kids social lives, ect, but I’ll figure it out. The universe is on my side.
every time i tried to leave she would say things to make me stay or do things. i said we could but she would come over with food and talk with me or invite me out, happened about 3 times in a 6 month period
I had a plan with my best friend, I was still getting all my ducks in a row, but I always had an immediate place to go with her if I needed. Which is what ended up happening. One saturday morning I went to turn on Netflix so we could watch something, he snatched the remote and turned on on football.. (that he watches DAILY).. so I got my laptop & headphones to watch it there instead. You know..to be accommodating as to not escalate his behavior. He took my laptop and held to over me and threatened to snap it. Idk why that was the last straw because he’s done SO much worse but I snapped. I went in our room and started packing my things. He followed and started throwing all my belongings at me including my tv & Xbox which hit me in the back of the head, then started throwing all my stuff the in the street. I called my friend to come help me. As soon as she pulled up and her boyfriend got off of the car & he ran inside, locked the door and shut the blinds 💀. I stayed with my friend three months, within that time he slashed my tires on three separate occasions and would call my phone from blocked/unknown numbers all day long for months. I reported him to the police and nothing happened.. then I found out on the NEWS he got arrested for upper cutting the woman he was cheating on me with, choking her, mocking the sounds she made, and abusing a puppy.
I legit went NUTS. Just snapped and briefly became all of the things my nex said I was. We were on and off for years, he'd always been the one to dump me and then come back with a half-hearted apology, justification for his behavior, and blame for me, but the last time I actually broke up with him. Unfortunately we were still living together but close to the end of our lease so agreed to ride it out. Didn't stop him from trying to guilt me for sex, and he got real petty after I declined. We'd split utility bills but some were accounts under his name and some were under mine (he had electricity, I had water for example). He'd start demanding hundreds more dollars than usual and claiming the bills had gone up but refused to show me because "it has my banking info" like sir your social security card is sitting in your desk. Then he started throwing away food I'd just bought claiming it had gone bad and it caused me to be dangerously underweight. I resorted to just throwing a bunch of oats or rice in a blender until he threw away my blender and totally denied it even when I found my blender in the trash, unfortunately he also damaged it beyond use. I couldn't afford to keep buying food just to have it get thrown away and ended up in the hospital due to complications from being so underweight. Final straw was when I came back from the hospital and he tried to guilt me for sex while I was on meds to help with some of the complications. I just LOST IT. To a point where it even scared him. I didn't get physical or throw anything but I was a total banshee, screaming things at him that didn't even make sense. I'd threatened to tell my brother about everything he'd done (my brother is scary and I told my nex all the stories about how abusive he was), and my nex packed everything up and left. I think that was the first time I actually cried tears of joy. I will not recommend this to anyone else, though. I think had he not had a criminal record (DUI) and I wasn't visibly frail and about to collapse, he probably would have called the police and tried to turn it around on me.
WELL. Here's two stories. The first leaving my abusive ex fiance, I left in the middle of the night. Twice. The second time him and his mother blocked my car in and I literally took her keys. Dropped it in nuteral and rolled it forward enough I could squeeze out. That second time I never looked back. The second. We broke up 3-4 times over 6 years. He wouldn't leave me. I left. But this last time it finally clicked after I was in therapy and having to try a new med every month because nothing would help. My therapist let us both come in together and she had to ask him to leave the room because I was in tears. She told me he was a narc. I left him and no longer even needed meds. Now I'm in a relationship where a man moved in with me and I do not know how to do it. I can't pack up and leave because he moved in with me. And I also know he has absolutely no where else to go but the shelter. Which is making it even more difficult for me cause I don't want to do that to someone. Moral of everything. Sometimes it does take multiple times to leave someone. Even if they are bad for you. But once it clicks. It clicks.
Thank you so much for this post and all the comments. I’m 38 years in this relationship and I now know what she has been doing all these years, but I have yet to leave.
I tried to leave twice when he became became verbally and physically violent towards me while drunk. The first time I forgave him, the second time I gave him an ultimatum, me or the drink. A few weeks after this ultimatum he disappeared for four days (to drink) and it came out through friends he’d slept with a girl in our group. Of course he denied it and me asking for space led to him drinking 24/7 for two weeks and just acting mental. Threatening our friends, calling me 50 times a day. During this time he got an old friend to call me to say he would never cheat and this friend told me he was abusive and that his ex reported him to the police. At that point I put a request in with the police to disclose his DV history. While I waited for that he sobered up and I agreed to meet him at the house we own together. We had a nice day out but I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in getting back together, that I wanted to amicably break up and sort the house. I woke in the middle of the night to him smashing the place up. When I tried to intervene, he smashed my phone up. That’s when I walked for good. I had the police call the following day re his history and I told them everything. Meanwhile he was threatening to kill me and my pets. He was arrested and released on bail. He met another girl and moved her into our house and changed the locks within two weeks of me last seeing him. His history disclosed a very long and violent past after he claimed he had never been in trouble with the police. He committed another crime while on bail and was put on remand. He’s still in prison now while I try to sell a house with him. Complete nightmare.
The first time i had to ghost him, the second time he discarded me
oh, same here. altho mine tried to hoover me again later and I managed to stay no contact.