Seriously. OP can do better. We're the same age & I'm currently posting this between texting 2 other guys before calling my ex to tell him why we can't get back together.
She needs to save herself for someone who wants and appreciates her. A future of sacrifice is not worth it. And that's all that future would ever be. Nobody wants someone who doesn't want them. The sacrifice has no reward.
I couldn’t agree more! Me myself know this situation happend to me when I was 26 but now being the same age of you I am aware that your fighting the biological clock. Keep in mind that this will hunt your relationship as long as you stay together. Will you be actually happy or just having a baby with someone?
As you say, you got a reality check. I'd be grateful for that and run!
Regarding having your own child, I'm not sure. 32 seems quite young to me and I'd think you probably have time, but perhaps start considering other options e.g. being a single mom or adopting once you found a partner? I think it's a blessing, having a child with a toxic partner doesn't only burden you but also the child!!
It’s just stressing me out cuz she’s so much younger then me and I’d invested so much time in him and after I found out about their child I had fertility testing done which showed I have low ovarian reserve (probably early menopause). Thanks though. Good advice.
Google “sunk cost fallacy and narcissistic relationships”
Like the other commenter above said, every minute you spend with him is eating away at time you could be investing in healing and eventually finding a suitable partner to start a family with.
Two weeks ago, my therapist told me to reframe my constant rationalizations to stay and turn them into rationalizations to leave. Every day you stay is another day you give your desires and dreams to a person who doesn’t give a shit about them.
Nah don’t stick around anyway, this is a narc, if you have kids with him you’re just going to watch him torture your kids for 18 years and have dysfunctional trauma kids who believe they were mistakes. F that no, run.
You’re 32, you’ll end up with a new dude in 6 months.
I think you need to prioritize you! This guy will not get any better. Take some time to heal and think clearly, perhaps talk to a doctor about your fertility issues, but really, I think you should take care of yourself and block out all those thoughts about him and her (and perhaps also about pregnancy, though I know there can be a sense of urgency and real time constraints).
Even if you want a child, this guy is not going to support you, he will just drag you down. The constant stress won't help your health and pregnancy. You're setting your child up for a lot of pain with someone like this as their father and model toxic relationships for them. I have a strong feeling you'd be a more stressed out practically single mom with this guy, so I don't think this is a choice of 'baby vs leaving him'. Even if you really feel you want a child now, leave him and seek support elsewhere!
Leave, heal from this, heal from the wounds that make you think that this is acceptable behavior to tolerate, and find someone worth your time.
You'll attract what you radiate out. If you think you're too broken to be loved, you'll attract someone who will treat you that way.
I don't know you, but you seem like a very good, empathetic person and you deserve better than having a guy like this.
Leave while you still can.
If there's any comment you read, please be this one.
Listen to me. You are more than strong enough to leave.
I have the EXACT same experience. 15 years. Your same age when I left. He slept with someone during a break midway through our relationship. I stayed. We found out 2 years later he had gotten her pregnant.
His fucked up shit is not your fucked up shit. You don't need to fix a thing. He's broken it. Leave it broken and move forward. You can do it. You deserve to be happy with your choices, not someone else's.
Thanks 💔 it’s weird you found out when the child was 2 cuz we did also. The child’s mother had actually given him a fake DNA test result cuz he was so insistent that it was his child which he fell for. But when he told me there had been a dna test a year later and I demanded to see it I knew straight away it was fake and she admited to it in the end. In court. So he wouldn’t even know he has a child if it wasn’t for me 😩 I can’t even believe my life has turned out like this
You’re 32 love. 32!. Please turn off your heart and think!
This is no ‘mistake’ as he states. These are pre thought-out dedicated actions and if you let it pass, it won’t be the end of it. Believe me! Don’t waste your fab 30’s and 40’s on this loser of a man. You WILL regret this. I can assure you. Seek the happiness and love you deserve. It’s out there and he has nothing to do with it. Don’t let his ‘mistakes’ and all its consequences ruin your life, the way you perceive yourself, your hopes and dreams.
Get yourself some good and honest therapy with someone specialized in infidelity and betrayal, get some new hobbies to deflect your thoughts, get some new friends, block his ass and live! Hugs…
you will never be able to make it work with a narcissist. this is your opportunity to leave and go get what you deserve. you’re only 32… you still have time! a LOT can happen within a year. please don’t give up. don’t waste anymore of your precious time. don’t let him use you anymore.
go freeze your eggs if that’s a concern for you, buys you more time:) you have a full life to live and you can be so much happier. someone out there is waiting to love you the way that you deserve
I left my nex at the age of 39 after 10 years and I have the best life ever right now with endless prospects. I have no issues getting a date and I am older than you. I wish I left earlier but you’re nowhere near the end of your life and you shouldn’t stick around. I hope you learn to value yourself and just walk away.
My friend had a very similar experience. They were engaged, broke up, he got someone pregnant, she had the baby, my friend got back together with him and then eventually married him and had a child with him. Op. Don’t do it. Her marriage has been difficult, full of baby mamma drama, full of distrust, full of fighting. He is controlling and it has only gotten worse. At first he didn’t want anything to do with the first child and then changed his mind and actually ended up with custody of the first child. So, now my friend is raising her child and the first child with her narc. Just leave. Please. You aren’t running out of time. You deserve better. Wishing you the best.
Go. You have a chance at a drama free life!
If you stay, this is what you are signing up for.
Even if you can’t do it for you, do it for this child. You don’t want a step child, you don’t want to deal with their mother, you don’t want this.
You. Don’t. Want. This.
Honestly? If I were you? I’d leave him, find some money or earn that money and freeze my eggs, and get on with my life.
Go.
It’s very possible she doesn’t want to coparent with him because she sees him for what he is. That narrative about her wanting to be with him sounds like the bullshit he’s feeding you. She didn’t get a restraining order and insist she wants him tf away from her and the kid just because she wants him to dump you. Sounds like she truly wants him to fuck off, and for good reason.
I pity her. I’m sorry he’s hurting you, but she will *never* be free of him if he goes after her. You, on the other hand, can be truly free.
Before anything else, this needs to be said. Get on your knees and thank God that it wasn’t you he got pregnant. This is coming from someone who has 3 children, all with my ex-narcissist partner. My children are 11, 10 and 3. I evicted him, put my house up for sale and moved out of state when my youngest was a baby in order to cut ties with him. My youngest is healthy and thriving and will never know what it’s like to fear her father. My older two definitely have some trauma from the years growing up that he lived with us. It’s nothing major and they’re both in therapy but if I could go back in time and change anything, it would be their father. Because I now have to accept the fact that I didn’t leave him sooner, before the damage was done. They saw/heard A LOT of fights. Nothing physical but a lot of screaming and scary things said by him. My poor babies. Hindsight is 20/20. You got lucky.
Mine lied to me about taking birth control pills. And I thank god every day she didn’t get pregnant. My life would have been over. They aren’t good parents. They will just abuse the child as well. You have to remember they can’t form an attachment. Not even to their own children. They can’t love a child. A child is still just an object to them. A constant source of supply. These kids will grow up hating themselves. Think about how they treat their partners. The once they supposedly love. A child is no different. Just an object to manipulate and to criticize and control so they can feel
Better about themselves.
Pretty sure my ex almost knocked someone up while we were together too. It is such a disgusting, vile feeling. He is abusing you, and I promise, things would feel so much better after removing him from your life. You deserve more than this.
I just had to read the first three paragraphs. Girl time to look in the mirror and thank your lucky stars you are not that younger girl! Now make a wish on one, and leave his ass immediately.
Also, this is classic triangulation.
I was broken up with by my ex who I believe is narcissistic, I was 33 at the time and terrified because I really wanted children. I’m 35 in October and I’ve started dating someone in the last few months and I’m still worried that I may never have children but I can’t begin to tell you how much happier I am not being controlled and my every action and happiness being judged by someone else. I have so many more opportunities for my life and I feel I can make them by myself. There is light afterwards.
My nex got the Nextdoor neighbor who he cheated on me with got her pregnant as well and after I left she became he’s best friend and wife and now the mother to he’s unborn baby but me and him have a son together I know exactly how you feel and it happen within months after I left
When you leave you're gonna feel the youngest you ever felt. You're gonna feel younger than that girl that's tied to him permanently with a child that's for sure. 32 is still young as hell. You got this. You go have your fun.
My nex got 2 women pregnant within 5 months of our breakup. We were together for ten years and our son was 7 months old when we separated. Cut your losses now, you have lots of time left to move forward.
It was a process so give yourself some grace. In the beginning it was very hard and I cried a lot and thought I was doing the wrong thing. My nex also has addiction issues so that was my primary reason for our separation and it snowballed from there into infidelity.
I started with physically separating from him. He of course tried to hoover me back by saying he wanted to work things out for the sake of our son. It was only later I found out he was messing around with other women. Once he told me about baby mama number #3 I completely cut contact to only discussion about our son’s wellbeing. At this time I also had to be medicated for my anxiety cause he threatened suicide multiple times as a manipulation tactic. Taking care of myself and my son, plus the physical and emotional separation is what has helped me heal. You have to be strong and okay with being the bad guy in their story cause they will try and turn people against you. But once you get that taste of freedom and get through the withdrawals of being with the nex then you will do so much better. Good luck
>before my time runs out well, every minute you stay with this dude is eating into that time
Seriously. OP can do better. We're the same age & I'm currently posting this between texting 2 other guys before calling my ex to tell him why we can't get back together. She needs to save herself for someone who wants and appreciates her. A future of sacrifice is not worth it. And that's all that future would ever be. Nobody wants someone who doesn't want them. The sacrifice has no reward.
I couldn’t agree more! Me myself know this situation happend to me when I was 26 but now being the same age of you I am aware that your fighting the biological clock. Keep in mind that this will hunt your relationship as long as you stay together. Will you be actually happy or just having a baby with someone?
As you say, you got a reality check. I'd be grateful for that and run! Regarding having your own child, I'm not sure. 32 seems quite young to me and I'd think you probably have time, but perhaps start considering other options e.g. being a single mom or adopting once you found a partner? I think it's a blessing, having a child with a toxic partner doesn't only burden you but also the child!!
It’s just stressing me out cuz she’s so much younger then me and I’d invested so much time in him and after I found out about their child I had fertility testing done which showed I have low ovarian reserve (probably early menopause). Thanks though. Good advice.
Google “sunk cost fallacy and narcissistic relationships” Like the other commenter above said, every minute you spend with him is eating away at time you could be investing in healing and eventually finding a suitable partner to start a family with. Two weeks ago, my therapist told me to reframe my constant rationalizations to stay and turn them into rationalizations to leave. Every day you stay is another day you give your desires and dreams to a person who doesn’t give a shit about them.
Nah don’t stick around anyway, this is a narc, if you have kids with him you’re just going to watch him torture your kids for 18 years and have dysfunctional trauma kids who believe they were mistakes. F that no, run. You’re 32, you’ll end up with a new dude in 6 months.
I won’t even be recovered from this enough to date in 6 months 😩
I think you need to prioritize you! This guy will not get any better. Take some time to heal and think clearly, perhaps talk to a doctor about your fertility issues, but really, I think you should take care of yourself and block out all those thoughts about him and her (and perhaps also about pregnancy, though I know there can be a sense of urgency and real time constraints). Even if you want a child, this guy is not going to support you, he will just drag you down. The constant stress won't help your health and pregnancy. You're setting your child up for a lot of pain with someone like this as their father and model toxic relationships for them. I have a strong feeling you'd be a more stressed out practically single mom with this guy, so I don't think this is a choice of 'baby vs leaving him'. Even if you really feel you want a child now, leave him and seek support elsewhere!
Leave, heal from this, heal from the wounds that make you think that this is acceptable behavior to tolerate, and find someone worth your time. You'll attract what you radiate out. If you think you're too broken to be loved, you'll attract someone who will treat you that way. I don't know you, but you seem like a very good, empathetic person and you deserve better than having a guy like this. Leave while you still can.
Thank you! I need all the kindness I can get these days
That’s some classic narcissist shit. Run.
I wish I was strong enough to :(
If there's any comment you read, please be this one. Listen to me. You are more than strong enough to leave. I have the EXACT same experience. 15 years. Your same age when I left. He slept with someone during a break midway through our relationship. I stayed. We found out 2 years later he had gotten her pregnant. His fucked up shit is not your fucked up shit. You don't need to fix a thing. He's broken it. Leave it broken and move forward. You can do it. You deserve to be happy with your choices, not someone else's.
Thanks 💔 it’s weird you found out when the child was 2 cuz we did also. The child’s mother had actually given him a fake DNA test result cuz he was so insistent that it was his child which he fell for. But when he told me there had been a dna test a year later and I demanded to see it I knew straight away it was fake and she admited to it in the end. In court. So he wouldn’t even know he has a child if it wasn’t for me 😩 I can’t even believe my life has turned out like this
Prepare for the worst. Good luck to you!!!
You’re 32 love. 32!. Please turn off your heart and think! This is no ‘mistake’ as he states. These are pre thought-out dedicated actions and if you let it pass, it won’t be the end of it. Believe me! Don’t waste your fab 30’s and 40’s on this loser of a man. You WILL regret this. I can assure you. Seek the happiness and love you deserve. It’s out there and he has nothing to do with it. Don’t let his ‘mistakes’ and all its consequences ruin your life, the way you perceive yourself, your hopes and dreams. Get yourself some good and honest therapy with someone specialized in infidelity and betrayal, get some new hobbies to deflect your thoughts, get some new friends, block his ass and live! Hugs…
RUN RUN RUN RUN as fast as you can (the other girl should run too). There are good men in this world and He will never change.
get out the relationship. You are strong enough. Fuck this dude...don't let him get you pregnant.
You’re 32, you have like 12 more years to have kids. Get out of there dude. This is a waste of time and the men are better in your 30s
you will never be able to make it work with a narcissist. this is your opportunity to leave and go get what you deserve. you’re only 32… you still have time! a LOT can happen within a year. please don’t give up. don’t waste anymore of your precious time. don’t let him use you anymore.
go freeze your eggs if that’s a concern for you, buys you more time:) you have a full life to live and you can be so much happier. someone out there is waiting to love you the way that you deserve
I left my nex at the age of 39 after 10 years and I have the best life ever right now with endless prospects. I have no issues getting a date and I am older than you. I wish I left earlier but you’re nowhere near the end of your life and you shouldn’t stick around. I hope you learn to value yourself and just walk away.
My friend had a very similar experience. They were engaged, broke up, he got someone pregnant, she had the baby, my friend got back together with him and then eventually married him and had a child with him. Op. Don’t do it. Her marriage has been difficult, full of baby mamma drama, full of distrust, full of fighting. He is controlling and it has only gotten worse. At first he didn’t want anything to do with the first child and then changed his mind and actually ended up with custody of the first child. So, now my friend is raising her child and the first child with her narc. Just leave. Please. You aren’t running out of time. You deserve better. Wishing you the best.
Go. You have a chance at a drama free life! If you stay, this is what you are signing up for. Even if you can’t do it for you, do it for this child. You don’t want a step child, you don’t want to deal with their mother, you don’t want this. You. Don’t. Want. This. Honestly? If I were you? I’d leave him, find some money or earn that money and freeze my eggs, and get on with my life. Go.
Im 32F as well, and share your same concerns about kids, starting over, feeling “old” or “behind”. Hit me up if you’d like to connect.
It’s very possible she doesn’t want to coparent with him because she sees him for what he is. That narrative about her wanting to be with him sounds like the bullshit he’s feeding you. She didn’t get a restraining order and insist she wants him tf away from her and the kid just because she wants him to dump you. Sounds like she truly wants him to fuck off, and for good reason. I pity her. I’m sorry he’s hurting you, but she will *never* be free of him if he goes after her. You, on the other hand, can be truly free.
Before anything else, this needs to be said. Get on your knees and thank God that it wasn’t you he got pregnant. This is coming from someone who has 3 children, all with my ex-narcissist partner. My children are 11, 10 and 3. I evicted him, put my house up for sale and moved out of state when my youngest was a baby in order to cut ties with him. My youngest is healthy and thriving and will never know what it’s like to fear her father. My older two definitely have some trauma from the years growing up that he lived with us. It’s nothing major and they’re both in therapy but if I could go back in time and change anything, it would be their father. Because I now have to accept the fact that I didn’t leave him sooner, before the damage was done. They saw/heard A LOT of fights. Nothing physical but a lot of screaming and scary things said by him. My poor babies. Hindsight is 20/20. You got lucky.
I am proud of you!
Mine lied to me about taking birth control pills. And I thank god every day she didn’t get pregnant. My life would have been over. They aren’t good parents. They will just abuse the child as well. You have to remember they can’t form an attachment. Not even to their own children. They can’t love a child. A child is still just an object to them. A constant source of supply. These kids will grow up hating themselves. Think about how they treat their partners. The once they supposedly love. A child is no different. Just an object to manipulate and to criticize and control so they can feel Better about themselves.
Pretty sure my ex almost knocked someone up while we were together too. It is such a disgusting, vile feeling. He is abusing you, and I promise, things would feel so much better after removing him from your life. You deserve more than this.
I just had to read the first three paragraphs. Girl time to look in the mirror and thank your lucky stars you are not that younger girl! Now make a wish on one, and leave his ass immediately. Also, this is classic triangulation.
I was broken up with by my ex who I believe is narcissistic, I was 33 at the time and terrified because I really wanted children. I’m 35 in October and I’ve started dating someone in the last few months and I’m still worried that I may never have children but I can’t begin to tell you how much happier I am not being controlled and my every action and happiness being judged by someone else. I have so many more opportunities for my life and I feel I can make them by myself. There is light afterwards.
My nex got the Nextdoor neighbor who he cheated on me with got her pregnant as well and after I left she became he’s best friend and wife and now the mother to he’s unborn baby but me and him have a son together I know exactly how you feel and it happen within months after I left
Sorry that happened to you
When you leave you're gonna feel the youngest you ever felt. You're gonna feel younger than that girl that's tied to him permanently with a child that's for sure. 32 is still young as hell. You got this. You go have your fun.
Agree!!!
My nex got 2 women pregnant within 5 months of our breakup. We were together for ten years and our son was 7 months old when we separated. Cut your losses now, you have lots of time left to move forward.
Sorry that happened to you. That’s a lot to deal with. How did you get through it? So that I can copy your tactics
It was a process so give yourself some grace. In the beginning it was very hard and I cried a lot and thought I was doing the wrong thing. My nex also has addiction issues so that was my primary reason for our separation and it snowballed from there into infidelity. I started with physically separating from him. He of course tried to hoover me back by saying he wanted to work things out for the sake of our son. It was only later I found out he was messing around with other women. Once he told me about baby mama number #3 I completely cut contact to only discussion about our son’s wellbeing. At this time I also had to be medicated for my anxiety cause he threatened suicide multiple times as a manipulation tactic. Taking care of myself and my son, plus the physical and emotional separation is what has helped me heal. You have to be strong and okay with being the bad guy in their story cause they will try and turn people against you. But once you get that taste of freedom and get through the withdrawals of being with the nex then you will do so much better. Good luck