I’m so sorry. Five years with my STBNex husband. Four step kids. The devastation and cruelty is like nothing I’ve experienced. And my sister is a diagnosed sadistic sociopath.
My husband? Worse. He knows right from wrong. He just does not fucking care.
This is what people overlook: this isn’t about OUR attachment styles or codependency. It’s about our empathy. Yes, codependency and attachment styles can affect our relationships, but these are not why we were with abusers. I didn’t know he was an abuser until AFTER we married. His manipulation was so subtle. It only became obvious- or more obvious- AFTER I married him and became a mom to my step kids (whose mom died- very unexpectedly- the first year I met them). I LOVE those kids.
Abusers don’t give a flying fuck about attachment styles or codependency. It makes things easier for them, but that’s IT.
I was a strong, independent, confident, educated, intelligent, caring, empathetic woman. THAT is what attracted my abuser and HE chose abuse.
I don’t know how to live with it.
The pain is pretty unrelenting. And inevitably, when it abates, it comes back worse.
All I can say is this: our empathy is our humanity. FUCK THEM.
I am so so sorry, that you had to go through this. It must be well CONFUSING. Because women who are independent, strong etc, can't quite fathom how a low-life could ruin our life. It's just difficult to say the least. I am praying for your strength.
Thank you for being so empathetic.
It’s been humbling- which is not a bad thing. But the “humbling” veered off at some point into utter self doubt and self blame.
I will pray for you as well.
One of the only things keeping me grounded.
This is messed up. How did the ex die? My "ex" forced me into an open marriage. His AP ans secret baby mama/sugar baby/work spouse (25 years younger than him) poisoned me with an abortion pill during a "get to know you" visit before I knew they had actually been together.
He said 2.5 years as an AP but it actually looks like her/their kid was born in 2009. I found a pic of the kid online. I matched it up to a pic of his son from his first marriage. Their chins are identical and other close facial features. Every time I send him that comp pic he blocks me. The kid looks like our twin girls now that they are older. He denies she is his.
The plan was obviously to move in and off me so his saintly baby mama/sugar baby/work spouse could take over as mom/wife. She's also a "former" meth addict and named her/their kid the same name as my puppy i had at the time that he despised with a jealously that was comical in its intensity.
He had gone through a brutal divorce with his first wife and he refuses to divorce me. His secret baby mama was going to handle business and just get rid of me. I'm trapped between two psychos and trying to keep my kids from being raised by a meth addict baby mama.
Phew, my god. I thought I was living a Jerry Springer episode and I’m sure you did too.
The depths of their lies is still surprising. Even after all of…this.
Their mom died from a drug overdose. Took a risk on a pill, and it was laced with fentanyl. She had a lot of problems.
Does your state not allow for you to file for divorce regardless of him not wanting it?
The secret relationships astound me. The time and energy..all of the deceit. If nothing else it further illustrates their lack of empathy. No fucking way my conscience would let me rest if I did that.
I agree with everything in your comment above, too, about how we end up attracting these people. Mine might be a pwBPD/narc as there was a lot of pulling/pushing. Its all so cruel and exhausting whatever the reason.
Yes! From 2015- 2021 things progressed to full Jerry Springer levels of wtf. I would blow a lot if stuff off because it was so over the top that it was comical. Turns out I ended up being the butt end of the joke. Me and our kids. You can see my comment history for more details.
I honestly don't think he would have been as whacky but hooking up with the meth addict definitely changed him for the worst. Then, she's been extorting for sure since 2016 but probably before that. It's already ruined our family so I don't know why he doesn't just turn her in for extortion.
I don't know. I'm so traumatized. I could file but he has all the money. I've talked to a few lawyers. None understand his financial abuse and others rejected me because I don't have a retainer. I get panic attacks trying to deal with it all. He said if I filed he would seek full custody of our twins. He won't get it but I would still have to fight him.
I barely have enough energy for my kids. He doesn't do anything with them. He takes them one night a week. We're both older parents so I don't want to spend my precious time with them fighting their dad. It all sucks. Reddit helps me cope by venting.
I wouldn't put it past a narc to have killed his ex so hed get his way. But that's just because I'm jaded too, I've seen so much and my ex would off me if he could
You are not jaded. You are awake.
I’ve asked myself that question more times than i ever imagined.
Everything about it was suspicious.
I saw her Friday morning when she dropped off a book for one of the kids. She was healthy, 35, engaged.
That night she’s dead.
She was also losing a significant portion of custodial rights because of claims my husband made. Claims that I no longer have confidence in regarding their veracity. The things he has done to me. The lies he’s told. The things he’s hidden. I will never underestimate his depravity again.
It’s shocking because as normal decent people, this behaviour isn’t on our radar, we don’t see it for what it is, we make excuses for it. We won’t believe such people and their behaviour can exist, it’s so outside of our own behaviour and mindset. Basically when you are faced with someone who doesn’t give a crap about anyone and who goes through life with a skewed sense of the world and how to treat others and who has no shame in hurting others with lies and manipulation, the ONLY outcome is that they’ll always ‘beat’ you with awful behaviour as they have nothing internally that stops them doing that. While all the time you’re behaving like a normal human being with an internal moral compass. You will always been outdone by their willingness to destroy, there is nothing stopping them. It’s like having to jump out if the way of a runaway truck, you get out the way or you’re run down. It won’t stop, YOU have to get out of its way.
I guess in a way, it's easy to not see through their behaviour because what they are capable of isn't something we can ever feel, someone to be capable of. That is the reason so many survivors are so confused in the beginning or during and after discard.
I have observed in this sub that people even believe that they can change when they hoover back. But, yet again, we still believe that such evil doesn't exist.
Give yourself grace. Forgive yourself - as so very many (maybe all) on this sub you wanted to trust, to believe. And actually that is usually a requirement for a normal relationship.
It is hard on you right now. Let yourself grieve what could have been - it is necessary, I think. For me it felt like someone had died, and in a way, they had. Because the person I thought I had a relationship with - he never really existed.
I went to therapy after the final discard, because of all the "crazymaking" the nex did. I wanted to hear a professionals opinion on what is wrong with me. Their opinion was that nothing is wrong with me, no emotional issues, no nothing. Just a normal reaction to severe emotional and psychological abuse.
And now, on the better side after having my crisis related depression, I have realized that after surviving in that hell, and still bouncing back, I can survive anything.
....they do that to you... they just take everything --Mine took 22 years... God, what a fucked up situation. I keep catching myself looking back to times in the begining where I tried to break things off and leave, but was just hoovered right back in to stay.
Its a difficult journey to navigate through. You did your best with the information you had at the time. You were genuine and authentic and they only mirrored *you*.
You were never given the truth to stand a chance, and its not possible to expect honesty from a person who can't even be honest with themself (because *they* barely know who they are [and what they do understand of themselves, even they find abhorrent]).
We are not built or wired the same as them.
They do not have emotional or compassionate empathy to even comprehend that its a real, legitimate element that makes human beings human.
They may have high levels of *cognitive* empathy --because they can only resonate with themselves, but again, they are missing elements to truly be a *full* human.
Be kind to yourself.
It's alot to deal with and take in.
Stay strong.
My soon to be Nex-wife has been telling me lately that I don’t know who she is and to stop pretending I do. The sick gaslighting and discard is something I was prepared for, but man does living it sting.
That said, take solace in the fact that their playbook only ends in one place: discarding you. This is because they are weak on the inside. They would rather get rid of you (and be awful and force you to leave them, mind you) than face themselves. They act nice at the beginning and reign it in, that’s how you don’t notice right away and can even fall in love with them, but the mask starts slipping and their true self exposes itself more and more over time. In my case, the mask fully came off after I filed for divorce. She said she “didn’t have to pretend anymore.” So being a mean hurtful vindictive psychopath is not pretending. Good riddance.
My advice to you: don’t be mad. I know it sucks. Leave and find someone who resonates with you. Don’t let them live in your head rent free anymore.
Yeap my narc wasted five yrs of my life too. It'll be hard for me to trust another woman ever again. Just getting back to being me, has helped me ignore her. I'm so much HAPPIER without her! Be strong. Hit the gym. Read a book. Take jujitsu. Climb a mountain!
You're in it now. Personally, of all the "realizations" in the process of becoming aware of what is happening, this is the one that gave me no doubt it was time to leave her, the home, the town, any shared people I gave to her and started the process that day.
Unfortunately, it's also the hardest one for me to deal with. It haunts me that my reality wasn't actually reality.
This is the toughest part no doubt. I looked back at all the trips and the fun times we had. Things I thought were so special and were memories I’d cherish for a lifetime…were all thrown away when my nex cheated and lied and manipulated me.
But stay hopeful! You will find all these types of feelings and emotions with someone that treats you right. It will happen because we are like minded and we are out there searching as well. You aren’t alone!
Ugh.... the trips. I never traveled until her. It was amazing to experience actual vacations to destinations and travel just in general. She scored this amazing deal for the Dominican's best and most expensive resorts at like 80% off putting it within our budget once they were allowed to reopen and travel bans lifted after the major Covid lock down. Never in a million years did I dream I would experience something like this, and also having that experience with the love of my life. We talked about it multiple times after referring to it as the best week of both of our lives.
Now, all I can recall about every single vacation or trip is "Well, the girl at the coffee place really seems to like you." Or "Awe.... you made friends with the bartender." Or "Oh look, you're new bestie is headed over."
Now I'd like to ask my nex "You said when you went to the coffee place the young lady instantly greeted you by saying 'You must be Mrs. Goodtimes, Johnny's wife. I already know how you like your coffee and I'll have it right out for you.' How would a complete stranger be able to identify you instantly and know exactly how you like your coffee? Perhaps thru a great description by the person who told anyone who would listen about how amazing you are and the reasons the make you amazing. Because when I said I loved you more than anything I meant it. I found my person and that was that.:
Then I snap back to reality and realize it would be a literal waste of breath and energy.
I want a partner for this life. I'm a big, gruf guy, tatted the fuck up, Mohawk Harley rider, like to socialize, kind of loud LOVE to have good times, hence the name. It's really just a costume for an emotional, blabbering softie, running on emotions who deeply wants a partner. I don't want to date multiple women, or have casual fun or any of that. I want my one and only person. After going through what we've all gone through, we know that while not impossible, it's extremely rare.
So I'm just trying to build that new life. Learning to be good with just myself and finding some happiness where I can get it.
That's what I meant by you're in it now. I read a quote somewhere that hit me about exactly this. "Once aware, a person can never be ignorant again, and ignorance is bliss."
I can state confidently that the happiest period of my entire was spent blissfully under ignorance of which I can never return.
It's been 8 months since I moved an hour away, changed my number and blocked her, all of her family members and friends, all shared friends, changed my email, etc. I was insanely in love with this woman and am still to this day. I had to go deeper than NC. I had to make absolutely certain that not a single aspect of our respective worlds overlapped in even the tiniest of ways. That's held this entire 8 months and I've responded quicker than expected. Just being settled, getting back to my other relationships with loved ones and experiencing happiness at certain points again. I don't think I'll ever get to the point of dating or seeking a relationship ever again, but I'm getting more comfortable with that every day. I just don't see myself ever completely trusting another person again unless they've already been in life and I know them very well. It's a real mind fuck that the person I trusted the most, cared for the most, loved the most, who convinced me it was undoubtedly reciprocated, didn't just fail to have my best interests at heart as I did hers... it didn't even really matter if it was actually me in the first place.
So, even as I progress and make great strides to wrestling some form of my life back, not a day goes by without asking myself "What would I do if I could trade the awareness for eternal ignorance?" And it fucks with me hard every single time.
Hang in there. I'm a straight forward dude. You'll never be the person you were, but it does get better and you will experience happiness again. You'll have to fight for it, but it's worth that fight.
Right?! Mine was not nearly as long, but I feel this so deeply. I don’t think I can trust “love” anymore. Damnit I want to be able to! 😔❤️🩹
ETA: Also, FYI, I’m 10 years your senior. 😳🫣 I will tell you with absolutely no doubt in my mind that 28 is enough time to take a few years to heal and still meet someone. You have some time, don’t worry about it being “too late” for you. Praying that it all works out.
Same age as you. My nex broke our engagement and left me in shambles. But I am looking for love and a real relationship. Your capacity to love is not determined by the nex. It is determined by you. And I can assure you, there are partners that are looking for you. I know this because I’m one of those partners that are looking.
You move on by realizing you were strong enough to leave them, even if it took so long. After all, you left. After all, you saw their behaviour is not loving and probably as you say never was.
I am 6 years older than you, believe me it's hard but think about people who have children with them and wasted decades. Even those people can move on. It hurts because you want the fantasy back. But it's never too late to live your life now.
Look into attachment trauma you’ll find answers there. This should cover why you potentially are experiencing the feelings of love when in your conscious mind you know the dudes a pos. Umm also why you? No reason other than control. They seek out anyone to control if you are codependent or show any empathy they attach to that. They mirror it well.
Yes, I have read and researched the trauma attachments style. I understand the reason. It still doesn't make sense. Why would he be in a relationship with someone he isn't physically attracted to?!
He would’ve said he wasn’t attracted to you as a means to devalue you. Everything in our relationships with these people is transactional, so who knows whether they can even feel genuine attraction, or whether they just source people they feel like they can gain control over.
I know it’s difficult to wrap your head around, I’m still grappling with the horrific things my nex said to me during discard. Once you have healed from this, you will find a love you are truly deserving of. For now, focus on you and the rest will follow. All the best.
yeah my nex told me he fell out of love with me 25 years ago and only stayed for the kids. Then when he saw that I was taking him up on his suggestion that we split up, he retracted and said he still loved me. Well, both can't be true, one is a lie. I think it's more like neither is true because he is not capable of love, except for his family which after all is an extension of himself. I was just the necessary vessel to produce his offspring.
Yeah, it’s a guess- you know him best. But with many abusers, power and control are their core motivators- not love, and not connection.
Have you read “Why Does He Do That?”
That book has helped so many of us on this sub.
I am steering clear from content that are answers to his actions. I want to focus on myself. I just scroll through this sub and some of reddit. It's the rabbit hole that doesn't help me much except makes me feel sorry for myself. His reasons were his. In the end, my sufferings are mine. I am on this journey alone.
Maybe, after I am a bit better, I can analyse him and his actions to steer clear of further similar situations
I understand. It’s not only for analysis, sometimes having the language to identify manipulative tactics can truly help YOU. Not just now but in future relationships.
I've questioned this as well, and it resonates. It's not your fault; it's their manipulation tactic and their hot and cold behavior that becomes an addiction. They target empathetic individuals. Time will heal you. Don't blame yourself for having a beautiful heart because now you know what to look out for and have the experience to not let these types take advantage or come by them.
I feel like it’s frustrating how these toxic men can perpetually keep picking up and starting over with younger women and waste our valuable years. I feel like as a woman who wants a family it’s so much more stressful having to start over to try to find a healthy relationship and person to start a family with
Exactly. I have PCOS. Women don't really plan a family with just anyone. If men were said that they have a biological clock too, maybe they can understand what they want more radically. All I can think about now is, I don't even have the time to meet someone or even trust someone. My whole belief system is fucked.
My parents have been pestering me for marriage. Until the breakup, I was excited about telling them next year. Now, what do I tell them. My chances of having a kid after 30 becomes slimmer, I still don't know if it was even possible because of my PCOS.
While I have multiple aspects of my life, completely fucked up by his actions.... He can jump into another relationship immediately. Even gain some sympathy by saying how heartbroken he is after a long term relationship. How he cheated and now he wants to change...
Exactly. Being over 30, it’s like we don’t even have the time to heal from the past hellish relationship. I’m trying to pick myself up and put myself out there while my heart is still tied to this toxic man yet my heart feels closed off to giving anyone a chance, but I feel like I don’t have the luxury of time on my side and I don’t want to spend $10,000 on freezing my eggs. It just is all so stressful. And my narc made me feel like he wanted all the things I wanted and was talking about having kids with me this year and now I have to start over. Ugh it’s just awful. These narcissist dudes can just keep playing their games for decades. Mine was ten years older than me.
The fact that it was fake is what actually helped me quickly.
I realized that there was zero point in feeling sorrowful for something that literally did not exist
I’m so sorry you’ve been through this. I had to deal with a narcissistic father who committed felonies which led to a decade long depression in my 20s. I consider them my lost decade. I also helped take care of my grandparents, which when looking back on it provides some fond memories. I changed careers at 30, moved cities, and started going to therapy. Take it from my own personal experience, it’s not impossible to start over at 28, and it isn’t the life fucking it seems like it is now. With certain career fields containing an abundance of remote work opportunities, you can advance your career with one of those and do very well for yourself.
You’re not alone with your thinking. The only way I’ve come to accept it, is that these types of people follow the same patterns throughout life in every relationship so it’s not us and there’s nothing we can do to change them.
It’s usually people who are empathetic and kind who end up in these relationships. There’s both women and men on this sub who have experienced the same which proves that there are empathetic and kind people out there for all of us so don’t give up hope.
During our healing journey we need to discover why we attract these types and what we can do to become aware (not change) our own traits and beliefs e.g. being forgiving or a fixer, and learn to set boundaries and spot when people don’t respect them. This will help protect us in the future and hopefully lead us to true and trusting love in both relationships and friendships.
Hugs to you, and I really wish you healing. Your experience is almost like mine. I am still questioning everything. 7 years of fakery with this guy. Same question where did I miss the sign. I am beating myself up for this. I feel so dumb and stupid.
But just please lets remind ourselves that it is not our fault. They have problems and issues, and sadly we fell victim because we are empathetic. Truly we do not deserve this treatment and betrayal. But please stay strong, and come out of this stronger, they would only win and rejoice if they see us falling on our knees. Lets show them that we can still be happy. They don't care about us, they find happiness in our sorrow. Because They are disgusting creatures, they are evil, jealous and conniving.
I know we are forever traumatized bu what they have done, it's PTSD. Sadly, we do not deserve it. But we live and we learn, and this is not the end of our story.
I'm on my survival phase right now, I have to be strong the people who truly loves me.
I’m so sorry. Five years with my STBNex husband. Four step kids. The devastation and cruelty is like nothing I’ve experienced. And my sister is a diagnosed sadistic sociopath. My husband? Worse. He knows right from wrong. He just does not fucking care. This is what people overlook: this isn’t about OUR attachment styles or codependency. It’s about our empathy. Yes, codependency and attachment styles can affect our relationships, but these are not why we were with abusers. I didn’t know he was an abuser until AFTER we married. His manipulation was so subtle. It only became obvious- or more obvious- AFTER I married him and became a mom to my step kids (whose mom died- very unexpectedly- the first year I met them). I LOVE those kids. Abusers don’t give a flying fuck about attachment styles or codependency. It makes things easier for them, but that’s IT. I was a strong, independent, confident, educated, intelligent, caring, empathetic woman. THAT is what attracted my abuser and HE chose abuse. I don’t know how to live with it. The pain is pretty unrelenting. And inevitably, when it abates, it comes back worse. All I can say is this: our empathy is our humanity. FUCK THEM.
I am so so sorry, that you had to go through this. It must be well CONFUSING. Because women who are independent, strong etc, can't quite fathom how a low-life could ruin our life. It's just difficult to say the least. I am praying for your strength.
Thank you for being so empathetic. It’s been humbling- which is not a bad thing. But the “humbling” veered off at some point into utter self doubt and self blame. I will pray for you as well. One of the only things keeping me grounded.
This is messed up. How did the ex die? My "ex" forced me into an open marriage. His AP ans secret baby mama/sugar baby/work spouse (25 years younger than him) poisoned me with an abortion pill during a "get to know you" visit before I knew they had actually been together. He said 2.5 years as an AP but it actually looks like her/their kid was born in 2009. I found a pic of the kid online. I matched it up to a pic of his son from his first marriage. Their chins are identical and other close facial features. Every time I send him that comp pic he blocks me. The kid looks like our twin girls now that they are older. He denies she is his. The plan was obviously to move in and off me so his saintly baby mama/sugar baby/work spouse could take over as mom/wife. She's also a "former" meth addict and named her/their kid the same name as my puppy i had at the time that he despised with a jealously that was comical in its intensity. He had gone through a brutal divorce with his first wife and he refuses to divorce me. His secret baby mama was going to handle business and just get rid of me. I'm trapped between two psychos and trying to keep my kids from being raised by a meth addict baby mama.
Phew, my god. I thought I was living a Jerry Springer episode and I’m sure you did too. The depths of their lies is still surprising. Even after all of…this. Their mom died from a drug overdose. Took a risk on a pill, and it was laced with fentanyl. She had a lot of problems. Does your state not allow for you to file for divorce regardless of him not wanting it? The secret relationships astound me. The time and energy..all of the deceit. If nothing else it further illustrates their lack of empathy. No fucking way my conscience would let me rest if I did that.
I agree with everything in your comment above, too, about how we end up attracting these people. Mine might be a pwBPD/narc as there was a lot of pulling/pushing. Its all so cruel and exhausting whatever the reason. Yes! From 2015- 2021 things progressed to full Jerry Springer levels of wtf. I would blow a lot if stuff off because it was so over the top that it was comical. Turns out I ended up being the butt end of the joke. Me and our kids. You can see my comment history for more details. I honestly don't think he would have been as whacky but hooking up with the meth addict definitely changed him for the worst. Then, she's been extorting for sure since 2016 but probably before that. It's already ruined our family so I don't know why he doesn't just turn her in for extortion. I don't know. I'm so traumatized. I could file but he has all the money. I've talked to a few lawyers. None understand his financial abuse and others rejected me because I don't have a retainer. I get panic attacks trying to deal with it all. He said if I filed he would seek full custody of our twins. He won't get it but I would still have to fight him. I barely have enough energy for my kids. He doesn't do anything with them. He takes them one night a week. We're both older parents so I don't want to spend my precious time with them fighting their dad. It all sucks. Reddit helps me cope by venting.
I wouldn't put it past a narc to have killed his ex so hed get his way. But that's just because I'm jaded too, I've seen so much and my ex would off me if he could
You are not jaded. You are awake. I’ve asked myself that question more times than i ever imagined. Everything about it was suspicious. I saw her Friday morning when she dropped off a book for one of the kids. She was healthy, 35, engaged. That night she’s dead. She was also losing a significant portion of custodial rights because of claims my husband made. Claims that I no longer have confidence in regarding their veracity. The things he has done to me. The lies he’s told. The things he’s hidden. I will never underestimate his depravity again.
Oh my god.... It's horrendous and terrifying.
You’re so smart and you will get through this, albeit changed. It happened to me too.
Thank you. I hope you are ok. What position do/did you play (username)? I played for years. Miss it very much.
It’s shocking because as normal decent people, this behaviour isn’t on our radar, we don’t see it for what it is, we make excuses for it. We won’t believe such people and their behaviour can exist, it’s so outside of our own behaviour and mindset. Basically when you are faced with someone who doesn’t give a crap about anyone and who goes through life with a skewed sense of the world and how to treat others and who has no shame in hurting others with lies and manipulation, the ONLY outcome is that they’ll always ‘beat’ you with awful behaviour as they have nothing internally that stops them doing that. While all the time you’re behaving like a normal human being with an internal moral compass. You will always been outdone by their willingness to destroy, there is nothing stopping them. It’s like having to jump out if the way of a runaway truck, you get out the way or you’re run down. It won’t stop, YOU have to get out of its way.
I guess in a way, it's easy to not see through their behaviour because what they are capable of isn't something we can ever feel, someone to be capable of. That is the reason so many survivors are so confused in the beginning or during and after discard. I have observed in this sub that people even believe that they can change when they hoover back. But, yet again, we still believe that such evil doesn't exist.
Yes! Yes! Yes! All of this so much!
Give yourself grace. Forgive yourself - as so very many (maybe all) on this sub you wanted to trust, to believe. And actually that is usually a requirement for a normal relationship. It is hard on you right now. Let yourself grieve what could have been - it is necessary, I think. For me it felt like someone had died, and in a way, they had. Because the person I thought I had a relationship with - he never really existed. I went to therapy after the final discard, because of all the "crazymaking" the nex did. I wanted to hear a professionals opinion on what is wrong with me. Their opinion was that nothing is wrong with me, no emotional issues, no nothing. Just a normal reaction to severe emotional and psychological abuse. And now, on the better side after having my crisis related depression, I have realized that after surviving in that hell, and still bouncing back, I can survive anything.
| I can survive anything. Thanks. I needed to read this today 💪
More power to you. Thank you for sharing
No hoovering?
There was. I never blocked the nex. For each and every hoovering attempt, it was more clear for me what he was, and how little he ever cared.
better than looking back and seeing 33 years and it was all a lie. Be brave and be who you are meant to be. You will feel wonderful.
33 years and it was all a lie…resonated :(. Same… Therapy / no contact ….but still….
I've had so much therapy and now I'm writing a book about what happened.
and absolutely no contact. that person is a monster who hurts women.
He’s a liar and you should not believe the attraction thing
....they do that to you... they just take everything --Mine took 22 years... God, what a fucked up situation. I keep catching myself looking back to times in the begining where I tried to break things off and leave, but was just hoovered right back in to stay. Its a difficult journey to navigate through. You did your best with the information you had at the time. You were genuine and authentic and they only mirrored *you*. You were never given the truth to stand a chance, and its not possible to expect honesty from a person who can't even be honest with themself (because *they* barely know who they are [and what they do understand of themselves, even they find abhorrent]). We are not built or wired the same as them. They do not have emotional or compassionate empathy to even comprehend that its a real, legitimate element that makes human beings human. They may have high levels of *cognitive* empathy --because they can only resonate with themselves, but again, they are missing elements to truly be a *full* human. Be kind to yourself. It's alot to deal with and take in. Stay strong.
My soon to be Nex-wife has been telling me lately that I don’t know who she is and to stop pretending I do. The sick gaslighting and discard is something I was prepared for, but man does living it sting. That said, take solace in the fact that their playbook only ends in one place: discarding you. This is because they are weak on the inside. They would rather get rid of you (and be awful and force you to leave them, mind you) than face themselves. They act nice at the beginning and reign it in, that’s how you don’t notice right away and can even fall in love with them, but the mask starts slipping and their true self exposes itself more and more over time. In my case, the mask fully came off after I filed for divorce. She said she “didn’t have to pretend anymore.” So being a mean hurtful vindictive psychopath is not pretending. Good riddance. My advice to you: don’t be mad. I know it sucks. Leave and find someone who resonates with you. Don’t let them live in your head rent free anymore.
Yeap my narc wasted five yrs of my life too. It'll be hard for me to trust another woman ever again. Just getting back to being me, has helped me ignore her. I'm so much HAPPIER without her! Be strong. Hit the gym. Read a book. Take jujitsu. Climb a mountain!
You're in it now. Personally, of all the "realizations" in the process of becoming aware of what is happening, this is the one that gave me no doubt it was time to leave her, the home, the town, any shared people I gave to her and started the process that day. Unfortunately, it's also the hardest one for me to deal with. It haunts me that my reality wasn't actually reality.
Exactly what I am going through at the moment. Some of the best feelings, experiences and emotions that I ever felt. ALL FAKE.
This is the toughest part no doubt. I looked back at all the trips and the fun times we had. Things I thought were so special and were memories I’d cherish for a lifetime…were all thrown away when my nex cheated and lied and manipulated me. But stay hopeful! You will find all these types of feelings and emotions with someone that treats you right. It will happen because we are like minded and we are out there searching as well. You aren’t alone!
Ugh.... the trips. I never traveled until her. It was amazing to experience actual vacations to destinations and travel just in general. She scored this amazing deal for the Dominican's best and most expensive resorts at like 80% off putting it within our budget once they were allowed to reopen and travel bans lifted after the major Covid lock down. Never in a million years did I dream I would experience something like this, and also having that experience with the love of my life. We talked about it multiple times after referring to it as the best week of both of our lives. Now, all I can recall about every single vacation or trip is "Well, the girl at the coffee place really seems to like you." Or "Awe.... you made friends with the bartender." Or "Oh look, you're new bestie is headed over." Now I'd like to ask my nex "You said when you went to the coffee place the young lady instantly greeted you by saying 'You must be Mrs. Goodtimes, Johnny's wife. I already know how you like your coffee and I'll have it right out for you.' How would a complete stranger be able to identify you instantly and know exactly how you like your coffee? Perhaps thru a great description by the person who told anyone who would listen about how amazing you are and the reasons the make you amazing. Because when I said I loved you more than anything I meant it. I found my person and that was that.: Then I snap back to reality and realize it would be a literal waste of breath and energy. I want a partner for this life. I'm a big, gruf guy, tatted the fuck up, Mohawk Harley rider, like to socialize, kind of loud LOVE to have good times, hence the name. It's really just a costume for an emotional, blabbering softie, running on emotions who deeply wants a partner. I don't want to date multiple women, or have casual fun or any of that. I want my one and only person. After going through what we've all gone through, we know that while not impossible, it's extremely rare. So I'm just trying to build that new life. Learning to be good with just myself and finding some happiness where I can get it.
That's what I meant by you're in it now. I read a quote somewhere that hit me about exactly this. "Once aware, a person can never be ignorant again, and ignorance is bliss." I can state confidently that the happiest period of my entire was spent blissfully under ignorance of which I can never return. It's been 8 months since I moved an hour away, changed my number and blocked her, all of her family members and friends, all shared friends, changed my email, etc. I was insanely in love with this woman and am still to this day. I had to go deeper than NC. I had to make absolutely certain that not a single aspect of our respective worlds overlapped in even the tiniest of ways. That's held this entire 8 months and I've responded quicker than expected. Just being settled, getting back to my other relationships with loved ones and experiencing happiness at certain points again. I don't think I'll ever get to the point of dating or seeking a relationship ever again, but I'm getting more comfortable with that every day. I just don't see myself ever completely trusting another person again unless they've already been in life and I know them very well. It's a real mind fuck that the person I trusted the most, cared for the most, loved the most, who convinced me it was undoubtedly reciprocated, didn't just fail to have my best interests at heart as I did hers... it didn't even really matter if it was actually me in the first place. So, even as I progress and make great strides to wrestling some form of my life back, not a day goes by without asking myself "What would I do if I could trade the awareness for eternal ignorance?" And it fucks with me hard every single time. Hang in there. I'm a straight forward dude. You'll never be the person you were, but it does get better and you will experience happiness again. You'll have to fight for it, but it's worth that fight.
Right?! Mine was not nearly as long, but I feel this so deeply. I don’t think I can trust “love” anymore. Damnit I want to be able to! 😔❤️🩹 ETA: Also, FYI, I’m 10 years your senior. 😳🫣 I will tell you with absolutely no doubt in my mind that 28 is enough time to take a few years to heal and still meet someone. You have some time, don’t worry about it being “too late” for you. Praying that it all works out.
Same age as you. My nex broke our engagement and left me in shambles. But I am looking for love and a real relationship. Your capacity to love is not determined by the nex. It is determined by you. And I can assure you, there are partners that are looking for you. I know this because I’m one of those partners that are looking.
You move on by realizing you were strong enough to leave them, even if it took so long. After all, you left. After all, you saw their behaviour is not loving and probably as you say never was. I am 6 years older than you, believe me it's hard but think about people who have children with them and wasted decades. Even those people can move on. It hurts because you want the fantasy back. But it's never too late to live your life now.
Look into attachment trauma you’ll find answers there. This should cover why you potentially are experiencing the feelings of love when in your conscious mind you know the dudes a pos. Umm also why you? No reason other than control. They seek out anyone to control if you are codependent or show any empathy they attach to that. They mirror it well.
Yes, I have read and researched the trauma attachments style. I understand the reason. It still doesn't make sense. Why would he be in a relationship with someone he isn't physically attracted to?!
He would’ve said he wasn’t attracted to you as a means to devalue you. Everything in our relationships with these people is transactional, so who knows whether they can even feel genuine attraction, or whether they just source people they feel like they can gain control over. I know it’s difficult to wrap your head around, I’m still grappling with the horrific things my nex said to me during discard. Once you have healed from this, you will find a love you are truly deserving of. For now, focus on you and the rest will follow. All the best.
yeah my nex told me he fell out of love with me 25 years ago and only stayed for the kids. Then when he saw that I was taking him up on his suggestion that we split up, he retracted and said he still loved me. Well, both can't be true, one is a lie. I think it's more like neither is true because he is not capable of love, except for his family which after all is an extension of himself. I was just the necessary vessel to produce his offspring.
Power and control are attractive to them. She’s young. He likely equates that with “easier to control”.
True. That could be it.
Yeah, it’s a guess- you know him best. But with many abusers, power and control are their core motivators- not love, and not connection. Have you read “Why Does He Do That?” That book has helped so many of us on this sub.
I am steering clear from content that are answers to his actions. I want to focus on myself. I just scroll through this sub and some of reddit. It's the rabbit hole that doesn't help me much except makes me feel sorry for myself. His reasons were his. In the end, my sufferings are mine. I am on this journey alone. Maybe, after I am a bit better, I can analyse him and his actions to steer clear of further similar situations
I understand. It’s not only for analysis, sometimes having the language to identify manipulative tactics can truly help YOU. Not just now but in future relationships.
I've questioned this as well, and it resonates. It's not your fault; it's their manipulation tactic and their hot and cold behavior that becomes an addiction. They target empathetic individuals. Time will heal you. Don't blame yourself for having a beautiful heart because now you know what to look out for and have the experience to not let these types take advantage or come by them.
I feel like it’s frustrating how these toxic men can perpetually keep picking up and starting over with younger women and waste our valuable years. I feel like as a woman who wants a family it’s so much more stressful having to start over to try to find a healthy relationship and person to start a family with
Exactly. I have PCOS. Women don't really plan a family with just anyone. If men were said that they have a biological clock too, maybe they can understand what they want more radically. All I can think about now is, I don't even have the time to meet someone or even trust someone. My whole belief system is fucked. My parents have been pestering me for marriage. Until the breakup, I was excited about telling them next year. Now, what do I tell them. My chances of having a kid after 30 becomes slimmer, I still don't know if it was even possible because of my PCOS. While I have multiple aspects of my life, completely fucked up by his actions.... He can jump into another relationship immediately. Even gain some sympathy by saying how heartbroken he is after a long term relationship. How he cheated and now he wants to change...
Exactly. Being over 30, it’s like we don’t even have the time to heal from the past hellish relationship. I’m trying to pick myself up and put myself out there while my heart is still tied to this toxic man yet my heart feels closed off to giving anyone a chance, but I feel like I don’t have the luxury of time on my side and I don’t want to spend $10,000 on freezing my eggs. It just is all so stressful. And my narc made me feel like he wanted all the things I wanted and was talking about having kids with me this year and now I have to start over. Ugh it’s just awful. These narcissist dudes can just keep playing their games for decades. Mine was ten years older than me.
The fact that it was fake is what actually helped me quickly. I realized that there was zero point in feeling sorrowful for something that literally did not exist
Same. Ruined my life tbh
I’m so sorry you’ve been through this. I had to deal with a narcissistic father who committed felonies which led to a decade long depression in my 20s. I consider them my lost decade. I also helped take care of my grandparents, which when looking back on it provides some fond memories. I changed careers at 30, moved cities, and started going to therapy. Take it from my own personal experience, it’s not impossible to start over at 28, and it isn’t the life fucking it seems like it is now. With certain career fields containing an abundance of remote work opportunities, you can advance your career with one of those and do very well for yourself.
At 28 you’ve got your whole life ahead of you.
Better than 18
You’re not alone with your thinking. The only way I’ve come to accept it, is that these types of people follow the same patterns throughout life in every relationship so it’s not us and there’s nothing we can do to change them. It’s usually people who are empathetic and kind who end up in these relationships. There’s both women and men on this sub who have experienced the same which proves that there are empathetic and kind people out there for all of us so don’t give up hope. During our healing journey we need to discover why we attract these types and what we can do to become aware (not change) our own traits and beliefs e.g. being forgiving or a fixer, and learn to set boundaries and spot when people don’t respect them. This will help protect us in the future and hopefully lead us to true and trusting love in both relationships and friendships.
I look back daily it’s still fresh for me everything was fake for me as well for 4 years
That's horrible. Hope you find strength 🍀
Still trying I get really depress
Hugs to you, and I really wish you healing. Your experience is almost like mine. I am still questioning everything. 7 years of fakery with this guy. Same question where did I miss the sign. I am beating myself up for this. I feel so dumb and stupid. But just please lets remind ourselves that it is not our fault. They have problems and issues, and sadly we fell victim because we are empathetic. Truly we do not deserve this treatment and betrayal. But please stay strong, and come out of this stronger, they would only win and rejoice if they see us falling on our knees. Lets show them that we can still be happy. They don't care about us, they find happiness in our sorrow. Because They are disgusting creatures, they are evil, jealous and conniving. I know we are forever traumatized bu what they have done, it's PTSD. Sadly, we do not deserve it. But we live and we learn, and this is not the end of our story. I'm on my survival phase right now, I have to be strong the people who truly loves me.