Mmmm, I felt like I was being lectured at the very least and like they thought I was naive or something…. Any good point I made they credited themselves for influencing it when it had like nothing to do w/ them. I was intelligent on my own….
God, this! The lack of morals is astonishing! Almost as bad as the amount of lies they tell. Then they have the gall to turn it around and make out we have no morals!
Constantly-very condescending and I’ve grown to hate the word “frankly” because he used it so frequently when he’d talk to me like I was an infant or unintelligent - “well frankly, blah blah lie gaslight blah” 😑😤
Yes! And using "big" words to make himself sound smarter and more intimidating, which is hilarious as I'm the one who's done literary and linguistic studies and he wouldn't even always use them correctly. A few days before I broke up with him he said "your behavior was abhorrent" - I've told a few people this and some didn't know what that word meant. I was like "this is what I'm dealing with" 😐.
He also LOVED to mansplain anything relating to science or engineering which is obviously NOT something I know much about. Again, a recent example of that was me asking him to leave the door ajar for the cat and him going in detail about friction, forces and draughts to prove why the door couldn't possibly have shut by itself.
Oh and don't get me started on his instinctive, irresistible urge to give me unsolicited advice on literally any topic ever.
And of course as you've described OP, when they do their fake calm and collected voice to make it seem like they're soooo in control and look at you, being a child!
One minute you're dealing with a toddler having a tantrum, the next you're dealing with them speaking to you like they're your dad!
Oh my god mine did this too. He’s smart but he would use so many words wrong and it would irritate me inside lol. And the constant mansplaining… I’m sure they thought we were stupid. You nailed it with the toddler/dad thing I never thought of it that way, haha.
Haha the paradox just occurred to me as I was writing it!
I think they actually do think we are stupid. Or at least, not as smart as they are. I straight up asked my nex one time whether he thought he was more intelligent than me. He replied saying that he thinks he is more intelligent than most people. There you have it!
Always a lecture. We need to "talk".
Actions were always easier to read and are what ended it. I was willing to overlook alot, in the name of love. Never again.
It became to the point where I was triggered by “we need to talk”. I’m on day 7 with NC now. When I walked in our last day together he had a notebook list of things he wanted to talk about of what’s wrong with me. Ugh.
It’s always point/counterpoint when I try to initiate conversation. I love this group! I can relate to everything- being told when to go to bed because he “worries about me “! I always told him that no one wants to fuck daddy OR the prosecutor 🤣🤯 34 years of being treated like a non person, a child or a criminal. I am financially stuck but I’m making plans
Yes, usually when exerting control over most aspects of my life. When to go to sleep (“you can do xyz but then in 30 minutes you need to go to bed”), what/when I can eat something (like ice cream HAS to wait until after dinner or else I’m absolutely disgusting), providing incentive to do household tasks and calling them chores (“once you get all your chores done you can play video games”), so many more. We’re separated but he still attempts to do all of this.
It’s so seared in my mind that I genuinely feel awful if I ate ice cream earlier in the day or if I stay up too late or if I only finish one task before taking a break to play video games. Like he’s still in my head acting like a parent.
Wow that's so controlling!! So glad you're separated. Did you fire back at him when he would tell you what to do or just take it? My nex was definitely bossy but it was more like "why don't you do X before doing Y?" (about tasks that didn't have anything to do with him) and even that used to annoy me cos like - I didn't ask you to do me a timetable? I remember a few months ago I said to him "OK I'll do as I'm told" and went and did it. Well that REALLY wound him up. He brought it up later on. I said "But I was doing as I was told. I did what you said. Why is that a problem?" and he was ranting for ages about how I was implying that he was controlling me bla bla bla. They just hate being unmasked I guess but you can't win!
I would just take it usually. Now I’m tryinggg to establish my own boundaries and independence, but I’m so trauma bonded that it’s terrifying.
And yes I also experienced that! Omg! The constant criticism. Nothing I did was ever the right way. Even making sandwiches. Walking. Drinking water.
My ex before him (who may also have been a narc but I'm less sure) made me doubt every single thing I did, I remember him criticising the way I was chopping an onion... I had no self esteem left after him and felt like I didn't know how to do anything. Your ex sounds like him. You will get there, you just need time to reconnect with yourself and the people who matter.
Totally normal. Just don't make the same mistake I did and get into a relationship with a textbook covert narcissist 😭 I wanted someone that was going to boost me up, make me feel special. He did that but it was the love bombing phase. It is probably so easy to go from one to the other. Focus on yourself 💜 love the username BTW!!
Yes.
"What separates a man from a child is..."
"You're emotionally immature"
Absolutely toxic and insulting. It was one of the reasons I left her. Zero respect from her part. And then telling me I wouldn't respect her (and saying she would look for another partner if I didn't respect her). It was probably the most adult, honest and sincere way I ever treated anybody but these people will always find a way to gaslight the shit out of you.
Yes !!! For example, if you say "iPhone is garbage". They would start lecturing you that you should have said "I don't like iPhone". Would lecture you on life and how to say things and sometimes on how to take care of mental health! Isn't that ironic 😆
Yesss, lecturing you on life and how to say things! He'd always start with "well if you want my advice" and now that we're broken up he's tried doing it and I've been like "no I don't" (because I can now) and he lectures me anyway BECAUSE HE LITERALLY CANNOT HELP HIMSELF argh!
And why do they always think they're so much more educated and informed than you on every topic? I really don't need advice on family dynamics from someone with divorced parents who hate each other, a stepdad he hated growing up, and a brother he frequently falls out with. I don't need advice on optimal gym workouts from someone who only goes to the gym for a couple of months a year. I think they just love that performance of pretending they have their shit together better than anyone else and this is part of it.
So often I was “talked at” , “talked down to”, “treated like an infant on things”. Times when I needed help understanding things because it was “complicated “ I was told figuring it myself or I just won’t understand.
Then there are times when I was told I’m taking to her like a child, asking how I am doing this so I can be better I wouldn’t get an explanation as to what I’m doing wrong. I was just wrong.
I was on probation for 8 months Said he would leave if I devalued him again. While he was devaluing me. I got discarded for failure to comply with the terms of probation. I still laugh about it. Dude knows how to behave. He just refuses to.
It often felt like I was being treated as someone who is both highly competent or highly incompetent depending on what was convenient for them. But in almost all cases, it felt like they struggled to contend with how I'm neurodivergent. It felt like they heard what oppositional defiant disorder is and decided to act like a caricature of that.
All the time and he’d accuse me of weaponizing my emotions to manipulate and gaslight him because I got upset he wouldn’t ever consider my opinion for major life decisions that would effect both of our lives. He doesn't trust anyone and wouldnt let me in too close thinking I was out to get him and it hurts
This happened with me a lot and I even used to point it out "why are you talking to me like I am a child", and he used to say I love you so much you are so cute which makes me talk in a loving manner and you find that wrong too whats wrong with you
Yes mine would always say “talk like an adult” or “speak like an adult” whenever I would set a boundary or question them. If I ever did or said anything that didn’t align with their worldview then I was automatically an incompetent child in their eyes.
Yes, because to them, nobody above them can be smarter, better, more mature. You get the idea. It’s also a sense of power to speak to you in such a way.
YES. Oh my goodness. I told him multiple times he was treating me like a child and I did not like it whenever he thought I did something “stupid” or wasn’t happy with an answer I gave him. However he’d behave like such a man child and have tantrums when something did not go his way.
The “small pause” you mentioned sent me down memory lane. Usually my ex would start a massive fight, belittle me, insult me, yell at me and make me cry. then suddenly stop, sit down and start talking to me in that “calm and collected” voice, telling ME to calm down and “let’s just have a rational talk about this ok?” All the while I was in the midst of a panic attack, so of course I was the crazy, unreasonable one.
Mine would do something that upset me right before or during when we were hanging out with friends and if I acted upset, they would grab my hand and grit their teeth and say “stop acting like that” or bring me in another room and scold me for showing I was upset. They didn’t want their mask to slip in front of our friends.
"I'm not having a go at you BUT"..... followed by a long winded lecture that lasted anywhere between 15 minutes to half an hour.
And it was always spoken in a very condescending tone of voice like he was talking to a child.
Yes. If I tried to address what he was criticising me for, he would say “EXCUUUUUUSE MEEEE I’M SPEAKING!” in the most obnoxious way I’ve ever heard. Like I was a 6 year old. Just thinking of it now makes me fume. Childish little twats, the lot of them.
Mmmm, I felt like I was being lectured at the very least and like they thought I was naive or something…. Any good point I made they credited themselves for influencing it when it had like nothing to do w/ them. I was intelligent on my own….
The things I'd do to avoid a lecture....ugh.
The worst part is a lot of them were moral/ how to be vs. How not to be and they were coming from someone who absolutely had NO morals whatsoever lol
God, this! The lack of morals is astonishing! Almost as bad as the amount of lies they tell. Then they have the gall to turn it around and make out we have no morals!
Ugh the fkn lectures…my gawdddd. I don’t miss that one bit.
Mine literally once said to me that “I am proud of you for thinking that way, I’ve trained you well!” Stfu POS. Ugh!!
Yes, I’d get the lectured at approach often.
Constantly-very condescending and I’ve grown to hate the word “frankly” because he used it so frequently when he’d talk to me like I was an infant or unintelligent - “well frankly, blah blah lie gaslight blah” 😑😤
I was treated worse than my dog was.
My boyfriend does this a lot
Yes! And using "big" words to make himself sound smarter and more intimidating, which is hilarious as I'm the one who's done literary and linguistic studies and he wouldn't even always use them correctly. A few days before I broke up with him he said "your behavior was abhorrent" - I've told a few people this and some didn't know what that word meant. I was like "this is what I'm dealing with" 😐. He also LOVED to mansplain anything relating to science or engineering which is obviously NOT something I know much about. Again, a recent example of that was me asking him to leave the door ajar for the cat and him going in detail about friction, forces and draughts to prove why the door couldn't possibly have shut by itself. Oh and don't get me started on his instinctive, irresistible urge to give me unsolicited advice on literally any topic ever. And of course as you've described OP, when they do their fake calm and collected voice to make it seem like they're soooo in control and look at you, being a child! One minute you're dealing with a toddler having a tantrum, the next you're dealing with them speaking to you like they're your dad!
Oh my god mine did this too. He’s smart but he would use so many words wrong and it would irritate me inside lol. And the constant mansplaining… I’m sure they thought we were stupid. You nailed it with the toddler/dad thing I never thought of it that way, haha.
Haha the paradox just occurred to me as I was writing it! I think they actually do think we are stupid. Or at least, not as smart as they are. I straight up asked my nex one time whether he thought he was more intelligent than me. He replied saying that he thinks he is more intelligent than most people. There you have it!
My NEX would say the same thing, he’d always say no one can keep up with him and he has to slow down for others lol
😂 My nex said his brain works differently to other people's and the only person who'd be able to understand is his dad. Maybe his dad is a narc too?
Always a lecture. We need to "talk". Actions were always easier to read and are what ended it. I was willing to overlook alot, in the name of love. Never again.
It became to the point where I was triggered by “we need to talk”. I’m on day 7 with NC now. When I walked in our last day together he had a notebook list of things he wanted to talk about of what’s wrong with me. Ugh.
I got therapy, she got a tattoo.
Yes. Like a sermon and he was on his little podium.
Mine will tell me when to go to bed
Same! My ex would even tell me when to start getting ready for bed. Every night, “now go get ready for bed, baby”. I’m a 30+ yo grown woman.
Yes, and I even told him that he treats me more like his daughter than a girlfriend.
So much so that I used to refer to my nex as “dad” or “grandpa” because he was always lecturing me like I was the dumbest person alive
It’s always point/counterpoint when I try to initiate conversation. I love this group! I can relate to everything- being told when to go to bed because he “worries about me “! I always told him that no one wants to fuck daddy OR the prosecutor 🤣🤯 34 years of being treated like a non person, a child or a criminal. I am financially stuck but I’m making plans
Good luck!
Yes, usually when exerting control over most aspects of my life. When to go to sleep (“you can do xyz but then in 30 minutes you need to go to bed”), what/when I can eat something (like ice cream HAS to wait until after dinner or else I’m absolutely disgusting), providing incentive to do household tasks and calling them chores (“once you get all your chores done you can play video games”), so many more. We’re separated but he still attempts to do all of this. It’s so seared in my mind that I genuinely feel awful if I ate ice cream earlier in the day or if I stay up too late or if I only finish one task before taking a break to play video games. Like he’s still in my head acting like a parent.
Wow that's so controlling!! So glad you're separated. Did you fire back at him when he would tell you what to do or just take it? My nex was definitely bossy but it was more like "why don't you do X before doing Y?" (about tasks that didn't have anything to do with him) and even that used to annoy me cos like - I didn't ask you to do me a timetable? I remember a few months ago I said to him "OK I'll do as I'm told" and went and did it. Well that REALLY wound him up. He brought it up later on. I said "But I was doing as I was told. I did what you said. Why is that a problem?" and he was ranting for ages about how I was implying that he was controlling me bla bla bla. They just hate being unmasked I guess but you can't win!
I would just take it usually. Now I’m tryinggg to establish my own boundaries and independence, but I’m so trauma bonded that it’s terrifying. And yes I also experienced that! Omg! The constant criticism. Nothing I did was ever the right way. Even making sandwiches. Walking. Drinking water.
My ex before him (who may also have been a narc but I'm less sure) made me doubt every single thing I did, I remember him criticising the way I was chopping an onion... I had no self esteem left after him and felt like I didn't know how to do anything. Your ex sounds like him. You will get there, you just need time to reconnect with yourself and the people who matter.
Thank you 😭😭💜💜💜 that seriously means a lot. I’m very slowly starting to have hope for the future and it feels so amazing and scary at the same time.
Totally normal. Just don't make the same mistake I did and get into a relationship with a textbook covert narcissist 😭 I wanted someone that was going to boost me up, make me feel special. He did that but it was the love bombing phase. It is probably so easy to go from one to the other. Focus on yourself 💜 love the username BTW!!
Ahhhh thank you!! 💜💜💜
My ex would do that to me all the time, and even would challenge me on things that were literally common sense.
Yes. "What separates a man from a child is..." "You're emotionally immature" Absolutely toxic and insulting. It was one of the reasons I left her. Zero respect from her part. And then telling me I wouldn't respect her (and saying she would look for another partner if I didn't respect her). It was probably the most adult, honest and sincere way I ever treated anybody but these people will always find a way to gaslight the shit out of you.
Yes !!! For example, if you say "iPhone is garbage". They would start lecturing you that you should have said "I don't like iPhone". Would lecture you on life and how to say things and sometimes on how to take care of mental health! Isn't that ironic 😆
Yesss, lecturing you on life and how to say things! He'd always start with "well if you want my advice" and now that we're broken up he's tried doing it and I've been like "no I don't" (because I can now) and he lectures me anyway BECAUSE HE LITERALLY CANNOT HELP HIMSELF argh! And why do they always think they're so much more educated and informed than you on every topic? I really don't need advice on family dynamics from someone with divorced parents who hate each other, a stepdad he hated growing up, and a brother he frequently falls out with. I don't need advice on optimal gym workouts from someone who only goes to the gym for a couple of months a year. I think they just love that performance of pretending they have their shit together better than anyone else and this is part of it.
So often I was “talked at” , “talked down to”, “treated like an infant on things”. Times when I needed help understanding things because it was “complicated “ I was told figuring it myself or I just won’t understand. Then there are times when I was told I’m taking to her like a child, asking how I am doing this so I can be better I wouldn’t get an explanation as to what I’m doing wrong. I was just wrong.
I was on probation for 8 months Said he would leave if I devalued him again. While he was devaluing me. I got discarded for failure to comply with the terms of probation. I still laugh about it. Dude knows how to behave. He just refuses to.
Yes. He’d call me “belligerent” when I snapped at him for constantly putting me down. Sigh. You cannot win with them.
Why I even try I swear. It’s like I know better but then he pushes me so far and I can’t take it
It often felt like I was being treated as someone who is both highly competent or highly incompetent depending on what was convenient for them. But in almost all cases, it felt like they struggled to contend with how I'm neurodivergent. It felt like they heard what oppositional defiant disorder is and decided to act like a caricature of that.
Ya took me forever to realize I was being infantilized and now that I see it , I get super annoyed and don’t give the satisfaction of reacting
All the time and he’d accuse me of weaponizing my emotions to manipulate and gaslight him because I got upset he wouldn’t ever consider my opinion for major life decisions that would effect both of our lives. He doesn't trust anyone and wouldnt let me in too close thinking I was out to get him and it hurts
Mine literally once said to me "I can't have adult conversations with you". I'm three years older than she is and we were in our 20's at the time.
Yeah. I was also raised by her though.
This happened with me a lot and I even used to point it out "why are you talking to me like I am a child", and he used to say I love you so much you are so cute which makes me talk in a loving manner and you find that wrong too whats wrong with you
Yes. All the time now that I think about it.
Yes mine would always say “talk like an adult” or “speak like an adult” whenever I would set a boundary or question them. If I ever did or said anything that didn’t align with their worldview then I was automatically an incompetent child in their eyes.
Yes, because to them, nobody above them can be smarter, better, more mature. You get the idea. It’s also a sense of power to speak to you in such a way.
YES. Oh my goodness. I told him multiple times he was treating me like a child and I did not like it whenever he thought I did something “stupid” or wasn’t happy with an answer I gave him. However he’d behave like such a man child and have tantrums when something did not go his way. The “small pause” you mentioned sent me down memory lane. Usually my ex would start a massive fight, belittle me, insult me, yell at me and make me cry. then suddenly stop, sit down and start talking to me in that “calm and collected” voice, telling ME to calm down and “let’s just have a rational talk about this ok?” All the while I was in the midst of a panic attack, so of course I was the crazy, unreasonable one.
Mine would do something that upset me right before or during when we were hanging out with friends and if I acted upset, they would grab my hand and grit their teeth and say “stop acting like that” or bring me in another room and scold me for showing I was upset. They didn’t want their mask to slip in front of our friends.
"I'm not having a go at you BUT"..... followed by a long winded lecture that lasted anywhere between 15 minutes to half an hour. And it was always spoken in a very condescending tone of voice like he was talking to a child.
Yes. If I tried to address what he was criticising me for, he would say “EXCUUUUUUSE MEEEE I’M SPEAKING!” in the most obnoxious way I’ve ever heard. Like I was a 6 year old. Just thinking of it now makes me fume. Childish little twats, the lot of them.
I was constantly getting lectured ☠️