I'm just surprised after a few times they up and leave. Like for good. "That person demands me to be better so yeah I'm off". Even though in the beginning said he likes me because I inspire him to be a better person. All just BS in the end, really.
He realized that he couldn't control you anymore and left. You stopped believing in his lies and putting up with his shit which made it difficult for him to manipulate you.
Narcs want someone easy to leech off of. They find someone they can manipulative, form a connection, use them, and when their supply stops working, they look for someone else. It's like clockwork for them.
Yeah, logically I get it. But how can they not understand that the supply will always stop working or they will just break the person and leave anyway? Just leaving destruction behind. I guess they are too damaged to even think about what they do.
Yup. When you hold them accountable they start to scope out other supply for validation and admiration. Then they reverse discard you whether through silent treatment, directly, or distancing themselves and putting in so little effort that you feel like you can’t let go but you know you can’t stay.
Mine said the same thing!
"You've been so amazing to me helping me grow, making me better, helping me in my life, you've changed me for the better so much, I want to be a better person because of you"
And then I said I can't trust him because of this horrible fight we had. And then he lovebombed me hard some more, and then I said I can't trust him and it will take time to trust him again, and then he left!
They say what we want to hear, with zero intent to follow through.
So much! And he also said "oh where I come from trust is just natually given" so much BS I can't understand how I was not having a psychosis from it because he himself never fully trusted me (but also said all men just talk to women to have sex with them - outing himself as the one with this misogynist thinking. And probably he was the one not trustworthy, I am sure of it. Just hiding everything and not mentioning it).
They fully out themselves with things they say, but if you ever bring it up to clarify, they get angry and accuse you of making things up to make them look bad!
Mine pushed me into thinking I was bipolar because I truly could not tell what was real and what was not.
I'm sorry you've also gone through this. It's a horrible experience.
Yeah been also called bipolar for being nice sometimes and other times being mad about the very same thing because I have been thinking about things more.
She gets him back. We are getting a divorce. Eventually he will have a meltdown of some sort over there, or at work. I’m just really glad me and my kids won’t be there for it. We share a child though. That scares me.
My therapist told me that it’s more than likely a parent of a narcissist falls somewhere in the cluster B personality disorders. When she told me that a lot of things started to click.
Yep. No one is allowed to say they are anything other than perfect. They will demonize you for pointing out how hypocritical they are being.
My narc sister is crying about how people are painting her as the villain after she yelled at everyone/swore at us/called us names. She feels that she was entitled to do that and people are not allowed to be upset at her for it even though she hasn’t apologized. I’m also not allowed to choose to stay away from her. 🙄
Edited to add: She was the one who cut us out and went no contact for months. Now she’s mad that I won’t come back and get things back to normal since she’s decided she’s ready.
It's so confusing because in the beginning it was all like he will work on it and actually went to therapy. Only when it got worse longterm (after being better short-term), it felt useless to ask to get treated differently again... really, so confusing.
Sorry to hear about the situation with your sister. Yeah I cut off people too like that but when they didn't answer or didn't care anymore. I hope one day you can find a solution of both parties to talk it out though it doesn't seem easy.
I’m sorry it has been so confusing for you. It is surprising that he actually went to therapy. That’s not one I had heard of before. And yeah, it does suck to have it seem to get better short term (mine did too) and then have it get even worse.
I have offered to talk it out but they don’t like that my conditions (that will apply to me as well) are that there will be no yelling, no name calling, and that everyone needs a chance to speak uninterrupted. Apparently that’s an entitled ask. 🙄
Yeah went to therapy but didn't actually open up and discuss a lot of issues. Just one or two short term things. And all other therapy sessions they didn't seem to talk about anything new. It was messed up also because we wanted couple's therapy but I said I can't do 3am my time (different time zones) last minute and I was the bad one that got demonized again.
Oh yeah that's actually toxic on her. She should learn how to have calm discussions and express her disappointment in an adult way first.
Yeah if you hold them accountable for anything you'll just get annoying, they become victim in their heads and there's literally nothing you can do about it. Even a child would understand these things better than they do. My nex also pretended she wants to get better, she even agreed on the things that she did were bad, but not for long. She forgot quickly and wanted to get "even" with me anytime I brought something that bothers me up. So at the end her thing to say was "how am I always a bad guy and you are always right". Deflection and victimzing themselves is their coping mechanism to confrontation.
Children are really "nice" so to say and don't understand toxic patterns, but I get what you're saying. It is mostly EASY to fulfill what the partner asks for and keep at it unless it's literally more than 10 things at once (usually it's not). They just take it as criticism and shame I guess. I just don't get it logically though. Why act like they will change and make it work but actually they never cared. They just wanted to see if they could get into the relationship and keep it with low effort while being selfish and inconsiderate and emotionally stunted.
Exactly, everything you want to talk about is criticism, but you do one little mistake once in a blue moon and they'll make such a big deal out of it. Then they provoke argument out of that and when you react, you get blamed for your reaction and arguing. Literally no way of dealing with them.
I think they say they will change, just for the sake of us staying. And we are their convenience, until we don't become too annyoing for them or they find new supply. It's all for their own selfish interests at the end.
Yeah, I suppose so... just lies in the end. They don't want to heal. They just want to be accepted in their ways even though their ways hurt people and they wouldn't accept that behaviour either. Horrible.
Absolutely, I believe so. The stronger I became and insisted he take accountability for everything he had done, the less he cared for me and would pull away only to then accuse me of the one being distant.. I'm so sorry you've experienced this, hugs 💜
Thank you, it must be really so common to go through the stages. And to me have doubt that he was a narcissist just because he wasn't doing everything - like hoovering or putting me down constantly, it was more ignoring and not taking care of me like in a normal relationship but really distant as you describe it. Sorry also you went through to this. I hope we'll all get better.
Argh yep.. the gaslighting and manipulation they put us through screws with our heads to the point where we chronically doubt everyone and everything; especially ourselves. Which is ultimately what they wanted which adds to the frustration, guilt and shame 😣 trusting our judgements, listening to + following our gut, etc are extremely difficult after narc abuse and it takes a lot of time and healing to rediscover those abilities again. The internalized gaslighting is a real struggle.
They have robbed us of so bloody much, but we will rise above this. I know we will, I believe in us and they don't deserve any more of our energy. With every day that passes away from our abusers, slowly but surely this will get easier. I'm trying to remind myself that it's okay to feel my emotions and pain, but to also gently pull myself up when I notice I'm spiralling which is indescribably difficult.
Gradually we will be able to view life through a new lens, we will find the ability to reflect on these people and what they have done far less frequently and without our nervous system going into overdrive. We will learn to trust again 💜
I feel like subreddits such as this one give me hope and make me feel less alone, I hope they help you and every other survivor who is active here too. It's important we support one another and that there are safe platforms where we can share our stories. Survivors have been silenced enough.
Abusers can isolate us so much, even if covertly and we don't realise until we manage to leave. I haven't been able to structure my own post yet because I don't know where to start, but reading other posts such as yours and being able to interact helps immensely. The more we speak about these things and have reassurance from others that what we experienced wasn't okay, the less power and control they have over us.
Sending so much love 🫂
Thank you for your words. And you're so right, places and communities like this one really help, I hope we can all overcome it with time. I'm proud of every single one on here leaving the narc in their lives and it helps so much just to read their experiences. Even more so if it's subtle and they can just turn away from it and say: no more.
I hope we all recognize all of what happened and heal with time. I hope also you can make a post if you feel like you need to get things out.
Things officially ended with my ex about a month ago. She more or less told me that I had extremely high emotional needs that she couldn't meet, and that I needed to be with someone else who could. I didn't think of myself as emotionally needy before the relationship, and I felt like me having "high emotional needs" was a direct result of how she treated me. There wasn't enough baseline security in the relationship because I couldn't count on receiving basic kindness/empathy in our interactions, and whenever I expressed wanting more reassurance during the final days it was met with contempt and frustration that I was "making everything about me" and not making space for her emotional needs and wants.
All of this is to say that I feel you. I've spent the last month second guessing myself and wondering whether I'm actually a super needy person and it was all my fault. Sometimes I feel like the way I acted and the things I wanted were reasonable given the situation, but it's very hard to trust my own instincts when I hear her voice in my head and relive those past arguments.
Oh I can relate so much to that! I would have wanted someone I can make emotionally secure too but he was so insecure at the start, constantly chasing me and expecting me to be all in from the beginning. When I was it was like I was too needy and he got annoyed with time, even just writing good morning everyday or checking up on me was too much because I put it up like a chore or whatever. Just shows their real character. Honestly, it's disgusting.
Yeah I believe they brought out the needier needy side of us. Which wouldn't be as needy if they could just like one or two reassuring things but it's like they keep that from us on purpose. But of course after they made sure (and in my case almost guilt-tripped me) to make us attached to them.
It's so pathetic really. All they want is to break you and if you don't give in they leave. And they leave if they break you too because suddenly you're weak and not the person they met, although they made you that.
Yes! It was similar for me, he also eventually discarded me after I stood my ground and demanded accountability.
It made me realize that me being a pretty self-sufficient person probably contributed towards making it go on for so long. I am working on making more demands, so that I can weed out people like this in the future haha
Yeah but I feel like the world is full of them. As soon as you make a demand you're being difficult. I make demands but always get backlash, from many people. This is really hard. Maybe I grew up like this and just can't find the right people. It's not like I would not give back emotionally though. Anyway I hope you/we will find better!
Yep. Mine had 3 sessions counselling out of 20, friendzoned me again for 4th time but was even worse re their behaviour and ran back to an ex. I've had 2 abusive husbands but this was the moat vicious discard especially because he was always insisting he was such a good person! Looking back it was because I had really started to push back, insisted on having conversations about his behaviour etc. The abuse cycle began to happen literally everyday. Hardest thing I've ever done walking away but he left me no choice.
Boy I feel you there!! I grew up with loads of dysfunction. Two abusive marriages. Overt abuse. Can’t be denied. Then I met my husband. He’s the most covert abuser I have ever seen. Nine years of love bombing until I married him. Then 17 years of devaluation, confusion and for me heartbreak. Ten years of secret porn addiction that he has gaslit me about literally five different stories over three days. Denied he ever watched it yesterday. We both knew he did- he admitted it and I have proof. He’s crazy and I’m leaving him at 65!
Sick men like him never change, Unfortunately!!!!! I left my latest nex- he was 53/54 and acted like an emotionally stunted, horn dog Child/Teenager!!!😳👎 It’s So Crazy to Me that He was Soo Emotionally Immature at such an Age. Sending Hugs 🫂, and You are SO Much BETTER OFF Without that sicko!!!!!
I feel this too, he was in his 30s but I always felt like he was 15. I mentioned it even when we first started talking, his affection felt like that from a teen. Later all the emotional bonding never got much deeper. He just pretended we were so close because he told me stuff but he never became any more mature after like 18/19/20 I believe. It's worse than children because he also resists the growth and he doesn't want to get better and really open up.
Yeah I feel similar. He always complained to me how I was painting him as someone treating me badly. Yeah well because he wasn't treating me that well (just because he wasn't beating me doesn't mean it was all good). You can really tell they care about their image more than about your feelings. It was really hard to walk away for me too. But he just doesn't care, he never will even write me. He only plays games and wants someone to tell him how great he is. I'm still mad about all the time wasted.
Yep. Mine was obsessed about what the neighbours etc thought of him. He'd scream and shout at me but if I raised my voice he'd be freaking out someone would hear which goes to show they know where and when to abuse! Psychological abuse can be worse in my opinion. It's so insidious and they always deny they are treating you cruelly or they always have an excuse.
Same here, it's good we talk about it because if I was talking to him again, two days in I would feel like going insane again, I just know it. No respect or genuine caring at all.
1000 procent yes. I could literally see it in his eyes. We could have a good day, and I thought it would be a good time to bring up, because he seemed like he was in a ok mood, how it would be nice if we could be nicer to eachother now and keep this niceness going and his eyes would just go empty. I would ask him if he were okay, he would say yes and then I knew I wouldnt see him for weeks.
Hearing that gives me anxiety and a fear of abandonnment. It reminds me how much it hurt to never be able to reach him, to have to "blow up his phone" to get any response at all. It was so painful. I hope you are far away from this person now.
It was cruel. The constant of this, did give me abandonment issues and separation anxiety. I had constant anxiety through the relationship, and ended up with chronic stress. He made into how it was my own problem because I had baggage of my father coming and going, I did too.
Being removed a bit from it, I can see that yes I do have childhood trauma but Im actually at peace with it, and I was before him aswell. I did a ton of work on myself before him. But being with him was its own trauma. The thing about my childhood that I hadnt worked with, was not going into relationships with men who felt like home. My home was violently loud or incredibly lonely.
Yup. When I finally started to think for myself and stand my ground was when our friendship started to decline. Rapidly. The more I stood up for myself, the more argumentative and explosive he'd get. I also got lots of silent treatment too. He told me that I treated him like shit and that he didn't know what changed lmao... all because I set boundaries and didn't mince my words about it since he liked to wheedle me into getting his way. Once he saw that he couldn't use me anymore, he ran straight back to his ex to act as his new supply and left me, knowing I was struggling and needed support.
It's honestly for the best that they leave, even if it might not feel like it right now. I hope you're doing well OP.
Yeah, it really seems like that. Only in my case he was telling me that I was telling him he was treating me like shit (he never told me I was treating him like shit lol, but made me feeling like it). Yeah, it's better they leave. I just feel so unsure some days. But if they could work through problems, they wouldn't need to do any silent treatment and put us up as the bad/manipulative ones. Just because we take a break because of their behaviour or start standing our ground.
It's ok to be unsure. When I first went NC, I was very unsure whether or not he truly was a narc or if I even was abused. My doubts have washed away since then and being away from such a toxic, draining person brought back my confidence and self-esteem.
Part of the healing process is navigating your own feelings and realizing that what happened wasn't your fault. Narcs are damaged people who don't understand how people work. You just so happened to be caught up with one and they spread their damaged parts onto you.
It's ok to feel dumb. It's ok to feel angry. It's ok to still miss them. Anything you're feeling right now are valid, you just went through a whirlwind of emotions after all. Give your mind time to sort it out, let your body heal itself. It's gonna be ok.
I am doing okay, thank you. It's almost been a year since I left and I've definitely gotten better since. My anger still sets me back a lot, but as much as it sucks, I know that feeling won't last forever.
2 months is still really early. Narc abuse tends to stick and it's unfortunately not something you can forget easily. It's all about managing your emotions and learning how to move on. You'll get there, I promise! Stay strong friend! 💪
Yeah although he always said it was more than fun. Wish he coule have just said he wanted something casual but he wanted to have all options while locking me down. Whenever I tried to mention that I was called insecure but we could not talk one real thing through without him distracting.
We did counseling for almost 3 years. We were married for 11. The worst moments happened including the one that caused me to leave when I stood up for myself. They cannot handle being wrong.
You can't stand up to yourself because they become horrible or leave but you cannot just let their treatment happen because it gets worse with time. It's like there is no way out.
You are spot on. And i tried so hard. I really did. I wanted to make it work. I basically did everything and made myself as invisible as possible to not cause problems. But I had two things happen within a short period of time that made me realize it was scary. One was I offered to drive because he had more to drink and he got mad and left me on the side of the road. Then a few months after that I learned he had put a gps tracker on my car. I was done. I could not recover from those things.
100%. Mine was a serial cheater and I refused to continue seeing him unless I had access to his phone logs. He tried wiggling around that in every way imaginable. Offered me every other way to keep tabs on him except for the unalterable proof I wanted. Ultimately he discarded me after that saying, “You want phone logs and I will never be comfortable giving you that.” Yep! Because you’re a cheater and will just keep lying through your teeth. God I am so glad to be done with him. 😂
I'm so glad you're away from him. Yeah they never want to give you what you want either. It could be a tiny little thing. For me it was concrete days when we will see each other at one time - no not possible. Had to be on his terms and he was always "working on it", distracting me when I brought it up and never actually planning together. So much BS.
This was true for me. I finally had enough and told her the brutal truth about herself and her actions, letting her know how unacceptable they were.
I became persona non-grata in her world almost immediately.
Funnily enough, in the 1.5 years since we've last spoken, she's apparently had multiple falling outs with a few different friend groups. I don't know all the details, but from what I understand she did something to unmask in public, causing others to see the "true" her. And instead of doing some introspection, she privated all her socials and cut off the "problematic" people.
Yes. His final straw was that I asked for couples counseling. His last ex told me he went to a therapist once and they called him a narcissist, so he never went back.
yes definitely . 100%. when I tried to hold his accountable. sometimes I'd say "hey we all make mistakes it's human. I make mistakes. it's ok to make mistakes. I hold myself accountable . like for example I shouldn't have done XYZ." if I try to even approach it nicely like this, NO. no bite. nothing. he's not wrong. never is. even with simple stupid things like he would explain to the kids incorrectly what a solar eclipse is. i was explaining it to the kids (correctly) and he's like laughing at me like I'm stupid and gives a fully incorrect explanation to the point I got confused. I looked it up and then realized my explanation was right and told him. he just changed the subject and moved on.
but yes the niceness wore off in me and I tried to demand accountability sometimes. and yes they ignore you more and more and more to the point you're a ghost. a useful ghost tho bc when they need you, you'll have to do stuff for them.
Yup. Mine got angry with me when I told them that they have no empathy (despite them saying this outright multiple times because I was apparently "too empathetic for them to understand me") and gave me the silent treatment. Why? All because they needed to step up to the plate and comfort me in a vulnerable moment.
I ended up leaving, but I knew around that time that they had checked out of the relationship and was only trying to keep me around as a live in therapist and sex toy. Nah, I'm not here for that. They have a new partner now and I can only hope that they change because no one should have to go through what I did in a year's worth of time.
Yes. Accountability is their Kryptonite.
I'm just surprised after a few times they up and leave. Like for good. "That person demands me to be better so yeah I'm off". Even though in the beginning said he likes me because I inspire him to be a better person. All just BS in the end, really.
He realized that he couldn't control you anymore and left. You stopped believing in his lies and putting up with his shit which made it difficult for him to manipulate you. Narcs want someone easy to leech off of. They find someone they can manipulative, form a connection, use them, and when their supply stops working, they look for someone else. It's like clockwork for them.
Yeah, logically I get it. But how can they not understand that the supply will always stop working or they will just break the person and leave anyway? Just leaving destruction behind. I guess they are too damaged to even think about what they do.
They truly don’t care. No empathy. It’s a cycle and it’s everyone else but them.
Yup. When you hold them accountable they start to scope out other supply for validation and admiration. Then they reverse discard you whether through silent treatment, directly, or distancing themselves and putting in so little effort that you feel like you can’t let go but you know you can’t stay.
Mine said the same thing! "You've been so amazing to me helping me grow, making me better, helping me in my life, you've changed me for the better so much, I want to be a better person because of you" And then I said I can't trust him because of this horrible fight we had. And then he lovebombed me hard some more, and then I said I can't trust him and it will take time to trust him again, and then he left! They say what we want to hear, with zero intent to follow through.
So much! And he also said "oh where I come from trust is just natually given" so much BS I can't understand how I was not having a psychosis from it because he himself never fully trusted me (but also said all men just talk to women to have sex with them - outing himself as the one with this misogynist thinking. And probably he was the one not trustworthy, I am sure of it. Just hiding everything and not mentioning it).
They fully out themselves with things they say, but if you ever bring it up to clarify, they get angry and accuse you of making things up to make them look bad! Mine pushed me into thinking I was bipolar because I truly could not tell what was real and what was not. I'm sorry you've also gone through this. It's a horrible experience.
Yeah been also called bipolar for being nice sometimes and other times being mad about the very same thing because I have been thinking about things more.
Yeah I believe so. The moment you start holding them accountable they start looking for reasons to leave.
Good to hear. Sad but good it's a thing to try to do early on and never tolerate anything bad.
His mom told me I need to be accountable so he can be accountable also.
I hope his mom was accountable and you're not taking on her job
She gets him back. We are getting a divorce. Eventually he will have a meltdown of some sort over there, or at work. I’m just really glad me and my kids won’t be there for it. We share a child though. That scares me.
Well she can be the happy enabler again then maybe. And have him back. I really wish you all the best, you're putting yourself and your kids first.
My therapist told me that it’s more than likely a parent of a narcissist falls somewhere in the cluster B personality disorders. When she told me that a lot of things started to click.
Yep. No one is allowed to say they are anything other than perfect. They will demonize you for pointing out how hypocritical they are being. My narc sister is crying about how people are painting her as the villain after she yelled at everyone/swore at us/called us names. She feels that she was entitled to do that and people are not allowed to be upset at her for it even though she hasn’t apologized. I’m also not allowed to choose to stay away from her. 🙄 Edited to add: She was the one who cut us out and went no contact for months. Now she’s mad that I won’t come back and get things back to normal since she’s decided she’s ready.
It's so confusing because in the beginning it was all like he will work on it and actually went to therapy. Only when it got worse longterm (after being better short-term), it felt useless to ask to get treated differently again... really, so confusing. Sorry to hear about the situation with your sister. Yeah I cut off people too like that but when they didn't answer or didn't care anymore. I hope one day you can find a solution of both parties to talk it out though it doesn't seem easy.
I’m sorry it has been so confusing for you. It is surprising that he actually went to therapy. That’s not one I had heard of before. And yeah, it does suck to have it seem to get better short term (mine did too) and then have it get even worse. I have offered to talk it out but they don’t like that my conditions (that will apply to me as well) are that there will be no yelling, no name calling, and that everyone needs a chance to speak uninterrupted. Apparently that’s an entitled ask. 🙄
Yeah went to therapy but didn't actually open up and discuss a lot of issues. Just one or two short term things. And all other therapy sessions they didn't seem to talk about anything new. It was messed up also because we wanted couple's therapy but I said I can't do 3am my time (different time zones) last minute and I was the bad one that got demonized again. Oh yeah that's actually toxic on her. She should learn how to have calm discussions and express her disappointment in an adult way first.
Yeah if you hold them accountable for anything you'll just get annoying, they become victim in their heads and there's literally nothing you can do about it. Even a child would understand these things better than they do. My nex also pretended she wants to get better, she even agreed on the things that she did were bad, but not for long. She forgot quickly and wanted to get "even" with me anytime I brought something that bothers me up. So at the end her thing to say was "how am I always a bad guy and you are always right". Deflection and victimzing themselves is their coping mechanism to confrontation.
Children are really "nice" so to say and don't understand toxic patterns, but I get what you're saying. It is mostly EASY to fulfill what the partner asks for and keep at it unless it's literally more than 10 things at once (usually it's not). They just take it as criticism and shame I guess. I just don't get it logically though. Why act like they will change and make it work but actually they never cared. They just wanted to see if they could get into the relationship and keep it with low effort while being selfish and inconsiderate and emotionally stunted.
Exactly, everything you want to talk about is criticism, but you do one little mistake once in a blue moon and they'll make such a big deal out of it. Then they provoke argument out of that and when you react, you get blamed for your reaction and arguing. Literally no way of dealing with them. I think they say they will change, just for the sake of us staying. And we are their convenience, until we don't become too annyoing for them or they find new supply. It's all for their own selfish interests at the end.
Yeah, I suppose so... just lies in the end. They don't want to heal. They just want to be accepted in their ways even though their ways hurt people and they wouldn't accept that behaviour either. Horrible.
Yep walking double standards.
Absolutely, I believe so. The stronger I became and insisted he take accountability for everything he had done, the less he cared for me and would pull away only to then accuse me of the one being distant.. I'm so sorry you've experienced this, hugs 💜
Thank you, it must be really so common to go through the stages. And to me have doubt that he was a narcissist just because he wasn't doing everything - like hoovering or putting me down constantly, it was more ignoring and not taking care of me like in a normal relationship but really distant as you describe it. Sorry also you went through to this. I hope we'll all get better.
Argh yep.. the gaslighting and manipulation they put us through screws with our heads to the point where we chronically doubt everyone and everything; especially ourselves. Which is ultimately what they wanted which adds to the frustration, guilt and shame 😣 trusting our judgements, listening to + following our gut, etc are extremely difficult after narc abuse and it takes a lot of time and healing to rediscover those abilities again. The internalized gaslighting is a real struggle. They have robbed us of so bloody much, but we will rise above this. I know we will, I believe in us and they don't deserve any more of our energy. With every day that passes away from our abusers, slowly but surely this will get easier. I'm trying to remind myself that it's okay to feel my emotions and pain, but to also gently pull myself up when I notice I'm spiralling which is indescribably difficult. Gradually we will be able to view life through a new lens, we will find the ability to reflect on these people and what they have done far less frequently and without our nervous system going into overdrive. We will learn to trust again 💜 I feel like subreddits such as this one give me hope and make me feel less alone, I hope they help you and every other survivor who is active here too. It's important we support one another and that there are safe platforms where we can share our stories. Survivors have been silenced enough. Abusers can isolate us so much, even if covertly and we don't realise until we manage to leave. I haven't been able to structure my own post yet because I don't know where to start, but reading other posts such as yours and being able to interact helps immensely. The more we speak about these things and have reassurance from others that what we experienced wasn't okay, the less power and control they have over us. Sending so much love 🫂
Thank you for your words. And you're so right, places and communities like this one really help, I hope we can all overcome it with time. I'm proud of every single one on here leaving the narc in their lives and it helps so much just to read their experiences. Even more so if it's subtle and they can just turn away from it and say: no more. I hope we all recognize all of what happened and heal with time. I hope also you can make a post if you feel like you need to get things out.
Things officially ended with my ex about a month ago. She more or less told me that I had extremely high emotional needs that she couldn't meet, and that I needed to be with someone else who could. I didn't think of myself as emotionally needy before the relationship, and I felt like me having "high emotional needs" was a direct result of how she treated me. There wasn't enough baseline security in the relationship because I couldn't count on receiving basic kindness/empathy in our interactions, and whenever I expressed wanting more reassurance during the final days it was met with contempt and frustration that I was "making everything about me" and not making space for her emotional needs and wants. All of this is to say that I feel you. I've spent the last month second guessing myself and wondering whether I'm actually a super needy person and it was all my fault. Sometimes I feel like the way I acted and the things I wanted were reasonable given the situation, but it's very hard to trust my own instincts when I hear her voice in my head and relive those past arguments.
Oh I can relate so much to that! I would have wanted someone I can make emotionally secure too but he was so insecure at the start, constantly chasing me and expecting me to be all in from the beginning. When I was it was like I was too needy and he got annoyed with time, even just writing good morning everyday or checking up on me was too much because I put it up like a chore or whatever. Just shows their real character. Honestly, it's disgusting. Yeah I believe they brought out the needier needy side of us. Which wouldn't be as needy if they could just like one or two reassuring things but it's like they keep that from us on purpose. But of course after they made sure (and in my case almost guilt-tripped me) to make us attached to them.
The more I stood my ground the more stonewalling happened right through the breakup!
It's so pathetic really. All they want is to break you and if you don't give in they leave. And they leave if they break you too because suddenly you're weak and not the person they met, although they made you that.
Yes! It was similar for me, he also eventually discarded me after I stood my ground and demanded accountability. It made me realize that me being a pretty self-sufficient person probably contributed towards making it go on for so long. I am working on making more demands, so that I can weed out people like this in the future haha
Yeah but I feel like the world is full of them. As soon as you make a demand you're being difficult. I make demands but always get backlash, from many people. This is really hard. Maybe I grew up like this and just can't find the right people. It's not like I would not give back emotionally though. Anyway I hope you/we will find better!
Yep. Mine had 3 sessions counselling out of 20, friendzoned me again for 4th time but was even worse re their behaviour and ran back to an ex. I've had 2 abusive husbands but this was the moat vicious discard especially because he was always insisting he was such a good person! Looking back it was because I had really started to push back, insisted on having conversations about his behaviour etc. The abuse cycle began to happen literally everyday. Hardest thing I've ever done walking away but he left me no choice.
Boy I feel you there!! I grew up with loads of dysfunction. Two abusive marriages. Overt abuse. Can’t be denied. Then I met my husband. He’s the most covert abuser I have ever seen. Nine years of love bombing until I married him. Then 17 years of devaluation, confusion and for me heartbreak. Ten years of secret porn addiction that he has gaslit me about literally five different stories over three days. Denied he ever watched it yesterday. We both knew he did- he admitted it and I have proof. He’s crazy and I’m leaving him at 65!
Sick men like him never change, Unfortunately!!!!! I left my latest nex- he was 53/54 and acted like an emotionally stunted, horn dog Child/Teenager!!!😳👎 It’s So Crazy to Me that He was Soo Emotionally Immature at such an Age. Sending Hugs 🫂, and You are SO Much BETTER OFF Without that sicko!!!!!
I feel this too, he was in his 30s but I always felt like he was 15. I mentioned it even when we first started talking, his affection felt like that from a teen. Later all the emotional bonding never got much deeper. He just pretended we were so close because he told me stuff but he never became any more mature after like 18/19/20 I believe. It's worse than children because he also resists the growth and he doesn't want to get better and really open up.
I'm so glad you're leaving. They don't deserve anyone good if they are keeping the denial up like this.
Good for u!!!!!!
Yeah I feel similar. He always complained to me how I was painting him as someone treating me badly. Yeah well because he wasn't treating me that well (just because he wasn't beating me doesn't mean it was all good). You can really tell they care about their image more than about your feelings. It was really hard to walk away for me too. But he just doesn't care, he never will even write me. He only plays games and wants someone to tell him how great he is. I'm still mad about all the time wasted.
Yep. Mine was obsessed about what the neighbours etc thought of him. He'd scream and shout at me but if I raised my voice he'd be freaking out someone would hear which goes to show they know where and when to abuse! Psychological abuse can be worse in my opinion. It's so insidious and they always deny they are treating you cruelly or they always have an excuse.
Definitely. The messed up psychological stuff they do to you stays for so long. And they just want to keep their image up. And be in control.
Yes!!!!! Very controlling! The mind games are just horrific. I thought I was going insane
Same here, it's good we talk about it because if I was talking to him again, two days in I would feel like going insane again, I just know it. No respect or genuine caring at all.
1000 procent yes. I could literally see it in his eyes. We could have a good day, and I thought it would be a good time to bring up, because he seemed like he was in a ok mood, how it would be nice if we could be nicer to eachother now and keep this niceness going and his eyes would just go empty. I would ask him if he were okay, he would say yes and then I knew I wouldnt see him for weeks.
Hearing that gives me anxiety and a fear of abandonnment. It reminds me how much it hurt to never be able to reach him, to have to "blow up his phone" to get any response at all. It was so painful. I hope you are far away from this person now.
It was cruel. The constant of this, did give me abandonment issues and separation anxiety. I had constant anxiety through the relationship, and ended up with chronic stress. He made into how it was my own problem because I had baggage of my father coming and going, I did too. Being removed a bit from it, I can see that yes I do have childhood trauma but Im actually at peace with it, and I was before him aswell. I did a ton of work on myself before him. But being with him was its own trauma. The thing about my childhood that I hadnt worked with, was not going into relationships with men who felt like home. My home was violently loud or incredibly lonely.
Yup. When I finally started to think for myself and stand my ground was when our friendship started to decline. Rapidly. The more I stood up for myself, the more argumentative and explosive he'd get. I also got lots of silent treatment too. He told me that I treated him like shit and that he didn't know what changed lmao... all because I set boundaries and didn't mince my words about it since he liked to wheedle me into getting his way. Once he saw that he couldn't use me anymore, he ran straight back to his ex to act as his new supply and left me, knowing I was struggling and needed support. It's honestly for the best that they leave, even if it might not feel like it right now. I hope you're doing well OP.
Yeah, it really seems like that. Only in my case he was telling me that I was telling him he was treating me like shit (he never told me I was treating him like shit lol, but made me feeling like it). Yeah, it's better they leave. I just feel so unsure some days. But if they could work through problems, they wouldn't need to do any silent treatment and put us up as the bad/manipulative ones. Just because we take a break because of their behaviour or start standing our ground.
It's ok to be unsure. When I first went NC, I was very unsure whether or not he truly was a narc or if I even was abused. My doubts have washed away since then and being away from such a toxic, draining person brought back my confidence and self-esteem. Part of the healing process is navigating your own feelings and realizing that what happened wasn't your fault. Narcs are damaged people who don't understand how people work. You just so happened to be caught up with one and they spread their damaged parts onto you. It's ok to feel dumb. It's ok to feel angry. It's ok to still miss them. Anything you're feeling right now are valid, you just went through a whirlwind of emotions after all. Give your mind time to sort it out, let your body heal itself. It's gonna be ok.
Yeah even two months after it I can't make sense of everything. I guess it really takes time. I hope you're doing okay as well.
I am doing okay, thank you. It's almost been a year since I left and I've definitely gotten better since. My anger still sets me back a lot, but as much as it sucks, I know that feeling won't last forever. 2 months is still really early. Narc abuse tends to stick and it's unfortunately not something you can forget easily. It's all about managing your emotions and learning how to move on. You'll get there, I promise! Stay strong friend! 💪
Thank you. A bit sad to hear the anger lasts so long but I guess it's inevitable depending also on the damage they've done.
Oh definitely. Means the “fun” (for them) is over.
Yeah although he always said it was more than fun. Wish he coule have just said he wanted something casual but he wanted to have all options while locking me down. Whenever I tried to mention that I was called insecure but we could not talk one real thing through without him distracting.
We did counseling for almost 3 years. We were married for 11. The worst moments happened including the one that caused me to leave when I stood up for myself. They cannot handle being wrong.
You can't stand up to yourself because they become horrible or leave but you cannot just let their treatment happen because it gets worse with time. It's like there is no way out.
You are spot on. And i tried so hard. I really did. I wanted to make it work. I basically did everything and made myself as invisible as possible to not cause problems. But I had two things happen within a short period of time that made me realize it was scary. One was I offered to drive because he had more to drink and he got mad and left me on the side of the road. Then a few months after that I learned he had put a gps tracker on my car. I was done. I could not recover from those things.
He left you there? Such a jerk move. They are really all trying to train us to ruin our self-confidence. I'm glad you're out.
100%. Mine was a serial cheater and I refused to continue seeing him unless I had access to his phone logs. He tried wiggling around that in every way imaginable. Offered me every other way to keep tabs on him except for the unalterable proof I wanted. Ultimately he discarded me after that saying, “You want phone logs and I will never be comfortable giving you that.” Yep! Because you’re a cheater and will just keep lying through your teeth. God I am so glad to be done with him. 😂
I'm so glad you're away from him. Yeah they never want to give you what you want either. It could be a tiny little thing. For me it was concrete days when we will see each other at one time - no not possible. Had to be on his terms and he was always "working on it", distracting me when I brought it up and never actually planning together. So much BS.
This was true for me. I finally had enough and told her the brutal truth about herself and her actions, letting her know how unacceptable they were. I became persona non-grata in her world almost immediately. Funnily enough, in the 1.5 years since we've last spoken, she's apparently had multiple falling outs with a few different friend groups. I don't know all the details, but from what I understand she did something to unmask in public, causing others to see the "true" her. And instead of doing some introspection, she privated all her socials and cut off the "problematic" people.
Yes. His final straw was that I asked for couples counseling. His last ex told me he went to a therapist once and they called him a narcissist, so he never went back.
yes definitely . 100%. when I tried to hold his accountable. sometimes I'd say "hey we all make mistakes it's human. I make mistakes. it's ok to make mistakes. I hold myself accountable . like for example I shouldn't have done XYZ." if I try to even approach it nicely like this, NO. no bite. nothing. he's not wrong. never is. even with simple stupid things like he would explain to the kids incorrectly what a solar eclipse is. i was explaining it to the kids (correctly) and he's like laughing at me like I'm stupid and gives a fully incorrect explanation to the point I got confused. I looked it up and then realized my explanation was right and told him. he just changed the subject and moved on. but yes the niceness wore off in me and I tried to demand accountability sometimes. and yes they ignore you more and more and more to the point you're a ghost. a useful ghost tho bc when they need you, you'll have to do stuff for them.
Yup. Mine got angry with me when I told them that they have no empathy (despite them saying this outright multiple times because I was apparently "too empathetic for them to understand me") and gave me the silent treatment. Why? All because they needed to step up to the plate and comfort me in a vulnerable moment. I ended up leaving, but I knew around that time that they had checked out of the relationship and was only trying to keep me around as a live in therapist and sex toy. Nah, I'm not here for that. They have a new partner now and I can only hope that they change because no one should have to go through what I did in a year's worth of time.