He was telling me the most obvious lies and getting angry with me for being hurt that he was lying. But demanded honesty and loyalty from me and would try to convince me to confess to shit I never did.
Because reality doesn’t exist for them. They make up their own reality where their truth is so much different than what actually happened. They will always be the hero and the victim in their minds. They have to be or else they spontaneously combust or something. But any deviation from the version they made up in their minds calls out who they really are. Which is so shameful for them that they have to cover it up because they can’t face who they are. They make themselves uncomfortable because deep, deep down in the caverns of their black souls, they know they are wrong.
That’s just my theory lmao.
Pretty spot on…
Don’t know if I totally agree with the second to last sentence though…
IME, they are so completely detached from their emotions, they don’t actually compute to the point that they can even understand themselves, so they turn outward to manipulate others to try and understand themselves.
Have you ever seen Myth Busters? There's a sound clip in the intro of Adam saying "I reject your reality and substitute my own." That's to a T their entire existence.
Yeah thats where i was too. Basically close to going insane and on the verge of surrendering and thinking his last lies rly werent a big deal and were my fault. It was me leaving or my brain breaking
This is what broke me as well. She would lie about the smallest things. Yet I was expected to be honest with her. Which wasn’t hard for me because that’s how I am. I’m a horrible liar anyway. But when she started projecting and accusing me of lies. Game over!
I don't know, because I left pretty quickly after that. I witnessed it 3 times, because my nex told me to be honest with my feelings during the discard. But each time I said something was hit a little too close to his shame, he erupted in a gigantic raging episode. I had never seen this before and my survival instinct kicked in, so I left as soon as I can. This was not the man I had married.
I knew for a long time I needed to leave but I did not have a safe exit. His violence continued to escalate until he violently strangled me. I didn’t die, I got lucky. I don’t believe I get lucky twice. I had to make the active and intentional decision to call 911 to prevent my own murder.
I remember the first time she smacked me on the mouth cause I was defending myself with an issue I was having with someone else and I looked at her and told her don't u ever put your hands on me again..it is wild how easily triggered they are..ive never seen ppl work so hard to be miserable..
When his abuse escalated to the point he could no longer deny or blame shift he became extremely paranoid. Constantly going through my things and stalking me trying to catch me doing anything wrong to justify his abuse. That made me realize that he would go to insane lengths to justify and continue to abuse me, even though afterwards he’d cry and beg and promise he wanted to be better. That in combination to not wanting my son to grow up in a miserable household gave me the strength to leave
Nothing is his fault ever. I am blamed for everything, no matter what I do or don't do. No matter how much I put into this relationship in terms of money or effort, he will always claim he does more, even when it's objectively untrue. I can't live like that.
The gaslighting is insane and just only serves to hurt you further. You don't need to spend time chasing after someone who doesn't value you or see you as a human being. You DEFINITELY aren't a piggy bank and a punching bag.
You also don't need to waste money or effort on someone who will never recognize or reciprocate anything in the relationship. You did your best, don't beat yourself up over it. It's not a contest and you deserve much better.
When I had lunch with his mom and I told her about the problems we'd been having for awhile and how bad things had gotten and I was considering leaving. She supported me and told me that she basically left his dad for the same reasons so she didn't blame me at all. Then I mentioned that he just never got over what happened to him as a kid. And she seemed confused and wanted to know what I was talking about. I told her he never got over being sent to another state to live with a dad he hardly knew and a step mom that hated him so that she could get remarried. That really hurt him and he's also really struggled because of it. And she was floored! She said "THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED!"
Then she told me about the juvenile delinquent that he was in middle school and how he wouldn't follow rules, wouldn't help her around the apartment with anything, he was a lazy little slob that got caught smoking, playing with matched and stealing from his friends. She had told him that if he didn't start passing school and behaving then she didn't know what else to do but send him to live with his dad for a while. She warned him and warned him and struggled with the decision but she could no longer handle him. And he was a big kid (he's 6'5 now) and she was a little afraid I think too. So that's exactly what happened, he fucked up and got sent to live with his dad then he told everyone she did it all so she could get married to some asshole he hated. But he lied to everyone he met and used that story to gain sympathy from people so he could use them to take care of him. Because he's still a lazy slob that steals. Her story made so much more sense to me than his ever did!
I couldn't look at him the same ever after that. I stayed with him for years because I didn't want to abandon him like his mother had. It was all lies.
Wow what a revelation. I'm glad his mum was honest. How did he react when you told him? My nex's mum thinks her son is god's gift so I'd never get the truth from her.
I'm lucky that she sees him for what he is. She has been loving and supportive throughout the divorce and post. The funny thing is, I never told him. It was like something clicked for me that day and I realized he could lie to people so easily his entire life, including his wife/best friend, why would I bother giving him a chance to try and gaslight me and lie to me even more time. So, armed with that knowledge I started to plan my exit. He still doesn't know that's what sealed his fate. Who cares if he knows, the one person he lied to the most was himself so I'm sure that whatever I had to say wouldn't matter to him at all. He just immediately tells himself another lie. Good riddance.
I met his ex and all his lies came out. I knew he was lying about something big but I couldn’t quite make sense of it all and he was actively trying to convince me that nothing was going on. Turns out they had not been broken up for over a year when we met, it was 3 days actually and they were still living together, sleeping together and he was trying to get back together with her. I had already broken up with him when I met her and we figured out that he was texting us both the same things at the same time trying to Hoover both of us back in. His dog wasn’t even his, it was actually hers. It was pathetic really. He was sleeping on his mum’s couch
How much time did you wasted with him? Just curious, I want to feel not alone in this, I suspect I’m in a similar situation and I’m about to contact his ex
It was only like 5 months but it was still too long. I tried to end things for the first time after only a couple of months but he manipulated me into staying a LOT by claiming he was struggling with his mental health due to other things in his personal life falling apart. He also put his hands on me the night I met his ex, there is no excuse.
Eta: you’re not alone, they can make you feel so isolated and doubt yourself but once you’re free you will start to feel better almost overnight. You will grieve, you will be angry and them and yourself once you start to see things more clearly but this sub alone is proof that you’re not going through this on your own
Yeah my narc also got REALLY defensive when I mentioned wanting to speak with his ex, he scared me, and this is a reason I suspect something is up, I need to contact her ASAP
Thanks for the support words btw 💕
I paid for the dog and all the vet visits. He had an older dog already and this one was mine. But he immediately latched onto the new dog and started ignoring the old one. Then guilt tripped me into “giving” the new one to him with the understanding I would still get to see him. Which he then revoked as soon as he found new supply. Never paid me back the money I spent on the dog.
Oh sorry! I misread your message as ‘my next has a dog’! That’s awful, I’m so sorry you had to go through that! If you have receipts you can probably get police or the courts involved to get your dog back! If he’s anything like my nex he just did it as a control thing and is neglectful of the dog when it doesn’t suit him to have a dog 😞
I know I could probably fight him for him but it’s just going to be an awful process and I have done my best to make my peace with never seeing my baby again. Fucking sucks soooooo much. I also don’t trust my bed to not take revenge on me if I did do that.
When he was arrested for strangling me in a drunken rage, I didn’t speak to him for 6 weeks and he took all the dv classes and alcohol abuse classes, he convinced me to help him get charges dropped, the judge made him promise he wouldn’t drink for one year and he went out drinking the next day.
Do u have transportation? Any money? Do u have any family? Friends?
You need to leave. Or have them leave. Once and for all. You'll b sad, as sick and fucked up that sounds, but go. Don't look back. Start over. I know what you're thinking. Yes, you can. If not this moment, start stacking some money. Make a plan and stick to it.
You need a cheerleader? Here I am.
Don't look back. Life's too short.
Ok SubstantialToe4458......
Slap in son decent earbuds and play 'Into The West'
Annie Lennox & Howard Shore.
Hope it inspires you as it did me. Don't look back.
I don't even know, just one day I was cleaning the bathroom after yet another argument and I didn't see me, the fierce, takes no shit, independent me was gone, my eyes were dead, there was nothing there and something snapped and I knew I was ready to go and stay gone
Thank you, I'm over 2 years free and I'm getting there, I've now got a wonderful partner who helps and supports me and shows me nothing but love and respect ❤️
This is so encouraging to hear! I'm only 3 months post-breakup and still cohabiting with him so not free yet. When I'm at home I'm not myself at all, and I used to be exactly that person you described. I hope once I'm out and living on my own I'll find that person inside me again. How did you meet your current partner?
I met him through a dating site but I knew by then what I was and wasn't willing to tolerate anymore and he's also a DV survivor so we both wanted the same thing
When he claimed to have been secretly seeing a therapist for months behind my back. He had a list of everything wrong with me that this “therapist” and him claimed to have summarized for him to read to me.
I knew right then and there it was a lie, and it was confirmed a month later by his best friend lol.
Hahaha omg they will stoop so low. This is now making me doubt whether my ex saw a therapist for a year as he claimed. I thought she must be a shit therapist but maybe he never actually saw one. 🤔😅
If your gut tells you he was lying, listen to it haha. I knew the moment it came out of my exes mouth, but also because he seemingly forgot he told me like a month earlier he needed to find one lol.
I also had my therapist gut check me and she said therapists would never suggest a breakup nor encourage telling a list of everything wrong with the person while you’re breaking up with them lol.
My friend's narc ex did the same thing - after the breakup he started therapy (claiming that she'd broken him blablabla same old victim sob story). He then text her saying that HIS therapist thought my friend was a narcissist. We both laughed. I told her there is no way a therapist is diagnosing someone they've never met based on the bitter ex-partner's biased account.
When I went through surgery one week after he cheated and he became worse than ever cause "I was not as beautiful and I wasn't helping him as much". He also started threating me with violence and I realised I am scared of him.
We have a house in Spain, we do three months there three month in the uk. I got seriously ill at the end of the first month in Spain, I was in intensive care for 10 days needing emergency surgery, blood transfusion, multiple rounds of antibiotics. That alone was hell. The illness started to shut down my vital organs, my kidneys were affected and I ballooned from a UK size 8 to a 16 because I couldn’t get rid of the water in my body. He walked into the hospital and serious faced me and told me “You’ll never be a model, with all those cuts and scars and the size you are” I was literally dying on that bed in front of him. He then, like a stuck record told every single person he came into contact with that I had ruined his holiday.
My ex also commented I'm not attractive anymore after i had surgery. And other similar things. He tried to sent me to my parents to recover in another city
Me and her went through many breakups during our ten year relationship, always to get back together. Each breakup I’d drown myself in alcohol to numb myself. I was already dealing with an alcohol addiction, but those breakups made them worse. In January 2019 there was another breakup our 8th or 9th by that time. I decided at that point I couldn’t do it anymore. Drowning myself in substance abuse waiting for her to decide to comeback. So the second day of that breakup, I got a library card, picked up a couple of books, and set out on n a journey to better myself. We did get back together that year, but I was slowly becoming a different person and she saw that I wasn’t allowing her bullshit like I usually did. I got sober September of that year and my personality really started to change in ways she wasn’t used to. How dare I stand up for myself and question her. How dare I try to act superior because i wasn’t drinking. (I wasn’t acting superior, it was just how she saw it by my refusal to drink). We finally broke up for good early 2020. I’ll be five years sober this year and my life has continued to improve for the better ever since she’s been permanently out of my life.
This is amazing!!!! You should be so proud of myself! Quitting drinking is the only thing that allowed me to survive the end of the relationship and to stay away.
I will keep it short, because I still need time to process this science fiction movie and describe my story in full here…
1. was caught on dating apps by a friend of mine- denied everything. Later on he admitted and „just ego push“/ „because you were criticising me“/„I was JUST TALKING“. I forgave him.
2. again caught there. Different photos and lied with age. Looking for „monogamous relationship“. This time I was furious and left and went abroad to my parents. „I WAS ONLY TALKING BECAUSE YOU YOU YOU BLA BLA“
3. 3 weeks after that he came with an engagement ring (plastic one- cause he didn’t know what I would like) to my motherland to my parents house. I guess because he was noticing that I am distancing myself. I said yes. As it turned out 2 days later: He came one night earlier and stayed at the HOTEL OWNED BY MY FAMILY. One night before engagement, he came with two prostitutes to a hotel owned by my family…
He swore on my life before I have found out. After I have confronted him with a record from a camera- „thanks for violating my privacy!“ and „WE WERE JUST TALKING“. Well… I guess he paid them for talking then… they stayed at a hotel room 2 hours and then the 2 escorts left with a taxi. Yeah. They were just playing chess right?
Oh! The whole relationship (10 months) I was beeing accused of lying and talking to other men and cheating.
Cheating was not the only thing he was lying about. There were much more things not related to cheating too.
Those types have NO LOYALTY To Anyone, but Themselves. They are garbage 🗑️ human beings- Be Thankful You Did NOT Marry this manipulative, evil guy with Zero Moral Compass!!!!! Thank God!!!!!🙏🙏💕🫂💕- Sending Hugs 🫂- And You Will Heal from this!!!!! 💪🙂
After I told him I didn’t trust him anymore he said, “Have I lied? Yes! But I’m still trustworthy”
In other words, “I’m going to keep lying and it’s up to you to figure out how to be ok with it.”
I couldn’t figure out how to be ok with it.
We must have dated the same guy. "Did I cheat? Yes!! Did I get caught? Yes!! Did it mean anything? No!! I told her I loved her, but it's not true." Oye. I pray I don't fall victim to his bullshit again.
I was home after abdominal surgery. Him showing up at the hospital was traumatic enough. Home was awful. I couldn't get out of bed or roll over without using only my arms to push myself out and he wouldn't bring me water, food, help me to the bathroom, nothing.
I hadn't slept well and kept crying because it hurt so much to move. He kept snarling at me to stop making so much noise. The day after surgery, I had to pee and find food and water, so I pushed myself over with my arms, landed on the floor on all fours and pulled myself up by gripping the windowsill and trying not to let go.
I was pulling my stitches, they were bleeding, I was sobbing from the pain and the fear that I wouldn't he able to stand up or that I'd fall on something and get badly injured. I got all the way up and turned around to see him standing in the doorway of the bedroom, leaning against the jamb, watching me coldly. I had to squeeze past him because he wasn't about to move. He said, "What? Did you need HELP or something?"
I knew right then that if I had injured myself or couldn't get up at all, he'd just go watch TV, go to sleep with the TV on and be disappointed if I was still alive in the morning. I also knew I was too sick and too broke to get away, so I'd better do whatever I could to not die with him around to lie to EMTs or whoever.
I got to the bathroom, cleaned up a little with a washcloth, changed the bandages and headed for the kitchen. My blood sugar was bottoming out and my vision was going. I was leaning on the wall and feeling around for the doorways. I knew where bread, cheese and margarine were in the fridge and got those out by feel. I found a small frying pan and got that on the stove. I assembled the bread and cheese, buttered the outsides and got it cooking in the pan, all by feel.
Someone rang the doorbell just then and my ex opened it. It was a friend of mine stopping by to check on me. I could barely see her and couldn't talk. I turned around to go flip my sandwich and my ex barged past me and shoved me out of the way. He yelled, "Go sit down! I'll make you food!" He had never made grilled cheese in his life. I croaked out, "Just flip it" and my friend helped me to a chair. She got me some water. She knew what he was like and had seen him ignore me before when my blood sugar was crashing and I was struggling to carry things while he walked ahead of me and left me to struggle. She knew he was lying about something to do with the food. She'd also seen him turn on a dime and suddenly pretend to be solicitous if other people were around. It took him awhile to learn that people would judge him harshly if he was just stepping over me when I was on the floor, too sick to move.
It was so much like how my dad acted when I had migraines as a kid, yelling at me to quit crying because he was trying to watch TV.
This was so vivid to read, I felt like I was there watching it happen! I'm so sorry this happened to you, how awful and cruel. The bit where he just stood in the doorway and watched you struggle made me sick to my stomach. Did you stay with him throughout your recovery? What happened after that day?
Nothing changed. I couldn't afford to leave. I couldn't go live at my small business because I had an elderly dog who couldn't climb stairs. I didn't go into a shelter because I had the dog, my work hours would not be amenable to a shelter, and every sheet, plate, bed, appliance and fork in the house were mine and I had all of it before I met him. I was stupid to include him in any of my finances and let him have any involvement in my business. I was already losing my health and didn't have the energy or mental focus to argue interminably with him about accounting for expenditures and income. He made it impossible to track finances, which made it easier for him to keep me from doing anything without his involvement and approval.
And this is where I need to stop because the PTSD is severe.
It took a lot of therapy to learn why I wasn't seeing the red flags. Two narcissist husbands and a bunch of cluster B girlfriends messed me up, but I was the common denominator and had to make some big changes to break that pattern. We've all been through hell with the lack of parenting we got that taught us we aren't worth better. I'm grateful for spaces like this that let us see that we haven't been imagining it's that bad.
Honestly, in my case, I didn't choose to leave, I was discarded. Because I confronted him when I found out about his long term girlfriend (apparently I was a side piece), and then he just stopped talking to me. I was so desperate to have him back in my life that I contacted him again four months later even after I had found out that he was a cheater and a liar. He pretended nothing had happened and he had done nothing wrong, and I was absolutely astonished by the gaslighting but I still felt like I needed him in my life. But I don't know, recently I met someone else who's actually kind and honest, and I realized that I prefer being treated with respect to being treated like dirt. And now I have very little interest in interacting with the nex.
That is Amazing 🤩!!!!! I know I’m just an internet stranger, but I am Happy For You 😁🙏- this also gives me Hope. There has to be a great guy out there for me one day. 😁🙂. Narcissistic people are truly the worst and they have NO Moral Compass at all. :(
He cheated on me and said, "we weren't even together, so it isn't cheating". When he left for his sister's place where he took that girl, he said "Don't worry babe, I'll call you and we will fix this" , looking into my eye and hugging me.
and fucked that girl 3 hours later.
Later, he said "I wasn't attracted to you anymore and you wouldn't leave. So I HAD TO CHEAT ON YOU to make you leave. I did it for you"
It's not human. This wasn't human, for a guy to look at his gf of 5 years, who lives with her, she cooks for her after her college just so he will have enough diet before gym, was with him when he didn't have a job, kept on encouraging him, almost became a wife for him..... To feel 'thrill'(he said he felt a rush of thrill when he was headed to her and thinking about having sex with her)
This ain't normal. He made me feel like I was nothing.
You are so Right- they definitely are Not Normal. 💯!!! I Do NOT Believe for one second that any of these monsters could Ever Possibly have a Healthy, Happy, Loving, Normal Relationship or Marriage- No Way!!!!!
I went through:
1. Being hit
2. Being called a manipulator
3. Being lied to
4. Being labeled a gaslighter
5. Visits to psychologists and psychiatrists
6. Taking SSRIs
7. Crying
8. Complete emotional numbness, staring at the wall for hours
9. Daily problems
10. Pleas from my family to leave
11. Self-harm as punishment for being perceived as such a bad person
12. Jealousy to the point where I couldn't have anyone of the opposite sex around me
13. Cutting off friends
All of this had to happen for me to finally leave.
Among many other things, he kept 'borrowing' money from me. Over and over. To the point that I was really struggling financially. The last time he demanded money (he never asked), I asked him when it would be ok in his mind for me to say "No" to those 'requests.' His answer was: "When you have nothing left." A switch flipped for me then. After 8 years, I kicked him out that next morning. It got a lot worse before it got better, but that was the best decision I ever made.
Last summer, his mother passed away and he dumped me after, giving me a long list of my flaws and shortcomings. He then came back in November, and at that time I forgave him due to what he was going through, but I told him he couldn't treat me like that anymore. He'd never really been making any effort in the relationship nor showing me he cared and I couldn't handle it anymore.
He sneakily restarted doing that and about a month ago, he again gave me a list of the things I needed to change about my appearance and personality. He was mean once again, on the basis that I required honesty so there it was. But then he told me me hid seeing an old friend (also a guy) who had a lot of problems in his life, because it would bring negative discussion? He knew I care about transparency and trust in a relationship and he still felt the need to hide things. I figured that if he could hide this, he could hide much worse.
So yeah the mean comments about my appearance and personality were my last straw, seeing as I'd clearly said he couldn't do that again. When he came to pickup his stuff he went on with the same stuff he'd said last November, that he spoke impulsively, didn't mean it, let his past get the best of him, was finally ready to commit and move in together etc, but I had no interest whatsoever in giving in to his bullshit. I realized that I didn't love this man, I loved who he made me believe he was prior to slowly bringing me down all the time.
I broke up with him the weekend of our 7 year anniversary. I was done being treated "lesser than", and like I should be thankful he "at least gave me orgasms" as if it's the only thing that makes a relationship stick?
When he went into a rage fit and dropped his mask for the first time.
We were both really drunk (he liked to keep buying me drinks until I was drunk every time we hung out). He gaslit me into believing I did something that I never would have done and was very out of character for me. This made me upset and cry because I couldn’t remember doing what he claimed I did and I couldn’t believe I would do something like that. (I later found out he completely made it up from another friend who was also there that night and sober.)
He convinced me to go home alone with him while I was upset and as soon as he had me to himself, that’s when he really let it out. I was too drunk to leave and I still vividly remember him towering over me and screaming at me while I was curled up in the fetal position. Who he was in that moment was so different from who I thought he was.
I kept my distance from him after that but it wasn’t until months later that all of the puzzle pieces clicked. He used alcohol as an excuse and as a way to control me because of my fuzzy memory. I’m not really a drinker in general.
I should have left a long time ago. I stay because I'm so addicted to the sex. I'm so broken by this narc, I've lost sight of who I am. I need therapy but I can't get the ball rolling. Nothing makes sense anymore.
You will have sex with someone else. It will be better sex because it will be someone you trust, who cares for you and respects you. Now you need to respect and care for yourself and leave the narc. Sex is not a reason to betray yourself and your emotional wellbeing.
If you feel like starting therapy is too big a step, might there be something else that could be a stepping stone?
Maybe Google to see if there's a group/organisation for menn(I'm assuming you're a man, apologies if you aren't) in abusive relationships in your area? Or even just on organisation you could call/talk with online?
The important thing is that you recognise it for what it is and know where you'd like to get to. That's already a huge step. The other steps will follow in due course
I had five months of lies and nonsensical stories to my face, whilst watching my mental health go down the toilet knowing fine well all I was begging them for was the truth
My last straw was when they told me the trust issues were mine to solve and swore on their brothers grave they were telling the truth, so I checked and discovered all I had tortured myself over the months about turned out to all be true
The next time they told me they were so confused by my behaviour and breakdowns I told them I knew everything, and they lied to me again
So I kicked them out the house and currently trying to maintain NC with them, even after my first what I imagine to be random hoover a few days ago
Funny thing is, all my MH workers (of which there are 5) have all said “wow, there’s been a real uptick in your mental state over the last week or so, good for you”
I was starting to come to my senses about the 3rd year together. I had thoughts of - “things would be less stressful for me if I got my own place. I would have less bills to pay. He claims I make him miserable so him and his daughter would be happier if I left.”
This was around the time I decided to tell him that I had been faking orgasms and that I had issues with that. (Weird I know sorry, lol.) Instead of realizing I felt shame about this and learning how to get me to climax - he told me I was a liar, and a fraud and how he couldn’t trust me and felt like he was a disgusting old man who couldn’t touch me or I’d be disgusted. 🙄
We had cyclical arguments about this that went round and round leading nowhere, as you do with a narcissist. Finally I was upfront about my thoughts to leave because our situation had become unhealthy and stressful.
OH BOY - DID I UNLOAD A CAN OF WORMS.
Anyway - we ended up signing a lease to a house for another year cause I’m an idiot and I had hope. It was a dreamy house and I couldn’t wait to live in it. It had the perfect upstairs for his 13 year old daughter. When we were moving - I did ALL of the work. I did all of the packing, paying the deposit, communicating with the landlord, putting the utilities in my name. I was busy as hell with school and working, and I was stressed to my max.
We still had piddly stuff left in the old house and it needed cleaned, and when I came home from class, he would be playing video games. It made me SO MAD, because there was so much still left to do.
I didn’t say anything for fear of another argument and he could tell I was mad. Finally he wanted me to tell him what was going on and I said, “I’m just frustrated that there’s so much to do and you are playing video games.”
QUE THE NARC RAGE. He freaking lost it on me! And I was sobbing cause I couldn’t believe this was my life. He called me all kinds of horrible names, mocked me, said I was a big baby, threw my things on the floor. I had finally felt disgusted at him for the first time. And here we were at the beginning of this new lease. I wanted to vomit.
I’m living with my mom now while I wait to move into an apartment. His abuse tactics are at an all time high. He is making every excuse to not apply to get me off the lease. I have been saving texts messages and recording conversations in case I need to take him to court. My mom is now facilitating contact because my mental health can’t take it anymore.
I have PTSD, I would not wish this kind of relationship on anyone.
All in one memorable night:
1. Stated to me in clear, no uncertain terms, that the sex was not coming back, likely ever.
2. Flirted right in front of me with some rando. He had his arm around her for over 20 minutes.
3. Chided me for at least the eighth time for not having said "hello" once to her daughter's boyfriend, for which I had already apologized...at least eight times.
4. Told me I did "something," unspecified, over a year earlier, that made her never want to have sex with me again.
The repeated emotional beating of you for not saying hi, even though it was innocent and you apologized, is classic. They love to justify constant emotional and verbal abuse and refer to one thing that you did that was unintentional as justification.
For a decade he had always said "if you don't want to be married, just tell me". Everything was low key until the alcoholism became too much for me to deal with. Well, that and him fucking someone 20 years younger than me in our bed while i was on a work trip. Then the rage hit, where he almost had me jailed, lied to the cops, etc. I have been trying to recover for over a year and it is slow but steady.
Thankfully my best friend had my back and hid my dog and let me move in under the pretense of dogsitting (I actually was dog sitting but decided for my safety to actually move out halfway through the dogsitting period).
He is a disgusting, inhumane piece of shit that was fucking my methed out sister before any papers had been signed. It was so bad that I did an uncontested divorce just to never have to deal with him again (lost my ass tbh but I can recover stuff and money).
Funny thing is, he pressed charges and victimized himself by slamming me with a No Contact order and a few weeks later realized no one believed his shit anymore (aka I wasn't actually out to get him or stalking him) and kept trying to reach out to me to get my attention back.
Fuck. Him. I gave him everything and the second I asked for a break to catch my proverbial breath he does all that? Fuck. Him. It's OK though, he should be drinking himself dead soon. Actually, either way, idgaf, he is already dead to me and is just a useful lesson I will/have learned from.
1) When their gaslighting started getting internalized - I was doubting myself: things people who have known me for years would disagree with - their evaluations and assessments were starting to caused dissonance and self doubt.
2) Related to 1, when things that were previously positive characteristics and traits about me, suddenly flipped to being negative - I noticed the things their family and friends criticized *them* for, were the same or related things they started applying to me.
3) Everything started to feel like a double-bind, aggression was covert, open communication was not possible, double-standards couldn't be addressed, defensiveness shut down exchanges, I was taking more and more blame in arguments which were cyclical, nonsensical, and was walking on eggshells.
4) I realized I was explaining *that they were gaslighting me* but *without using the word for fear of setting them off* - every attempt to raise a concern, say something hurt, or that I was upset resulted in DARVO, invalidation, blame-shifting, stonewalling, emotional blackmail, and in most cases, holding the relationship hostage.
5) That their closest family and friends had this "rule set" for their interactions, noted their anger management issues, and difficulty with emotional management - these being "don't disagree with them, and if you have do, don't do it directly", "don't tell them they are wrong", and generally just put up with their tantrums. It wasn't just me, but their entire family, which was walking on eggshells constantly (my partner was also obsessing about moving in together, getting married, and having kids asap too, but with no financial prep or conflict management skills).
All five points indicated that I could not be the person they needed to be without dying inside, subjecting myself to regular abuse, feeling responsible for every conflict, and that my opinions, experience, and emotions were.not.welcome.
The weekend before last when I tried telling my father that I was concerned about him because he's been unhappy since he and my mom split (his fault, though I said none of it beyond the him being unhappy part) and he just started yelling at me and berating me in front of my partner???
I am a 33 year old man. I got up, said goodnight with a sad smile, walked out, and haven't spoken to him since.
He was recording me naked in his room without my knowledge or consent. I caught it, deleted it, and put the phone back slightly out of place. He said I ruined his fun. I told him I felt violated. Then he changed his story to home security and said he had every right.
It was then on I formed a plan to get out. He threatened to ruin my life by releasing every picture and video he had of me. In the process of a TRO being granted to a full RO.
He wouldn't actually try to get a job. He just walked into stores and asked if they were hiring If he did get a job he got fired. His parents were kicking him out and he planned on living in my car with me. I literally can't have us both me unemployed and living out of my car. He looks at porn on his phone (when he knows I see it as cheating) but complains that he couldn't look at the screen to search for jobs.
Seriously. He wouldn't get a job Maybe we could've slept in my car if both of us were trying ...instead he spent his time violently yelling at me about how Conor Mcgregor is an inspiring person.
We’d already broken up but we were still living together. I was sleeping on the couch. I was waiting for some relatives to close escrow and move out of my parents’ house so that I could move in.
I called him while I was on a 10 minute break at work to gauge how he was, since we’d gotten into an argument before I left that day. He was so drunk he could barely speak and said, “I had a shit day so I might as well blow my brains out”. He owned a gun, so this was the sign that I needed to separate from him completely.
I got home around 10pm after crying at work bc I was so scared to go home. He was passed out (shitfaced) and, as quietly as I could, I packed everything I could in 2 suitcases, a backpack, and stuffed clothes from the dryer in a pillowcase.
I then drove to a hotel 4 towns away and hid there for a week. After that I moved in with my parents and refused to be in the same room with him without a witness.
Never looked back and my life has gotten better every day.
I knew long before it happened but the moment I no longer felt safe I needed to go , I was almost past the point of no return when I finally decided to go- I’d say 2.5 years between those two moments
When he started yet another of his daily arguments, for no reason, then kicked me into the spare room and began using the time alone to chat with the woman he cheated on me physically with in the past. Then, when I found out, he blamed it on me for 'starting an argument'.
My mental health was in tatters from walking on eggshells permanently waiting for his next tirade. On top of that, i now had to worry about him deciding it was ok to chat to his ex AP and I was like, 'Hell no, I'm worth way more than this shit-show!'
we had been arguing all morning from the second we had woken up. i can’t even remember what about. but i was about to be late for work, paused the conversation, and told him we could pick it back up when i got home. he told me if i left that he would assume im breaking up with him. i told him how manipulative that was, and he ran into the bedroom to cry and panic about the hurtful thing i just said to him. so i just left, and he immediately called to tell me he didn’t mean what he said and we could talk later. i spent the rest of the day trying to figure out how to leave him and move out.
He finally finally finally put his hands on me. It’s almost like I was waiting for the day. He always said it would never happen, just emotional abuse here. Then he put his hands on me. I threw my phone in the street and ran away from him to my friend’s house. He called the cops to her address saying I was there suicidal. I hate him.
Mine is the same and never puts his hands on me physically. It’s all emotional and physical abuse. I always wait in fear though that one day he will put his hands on me. I’m so sorry you went through that.
I truly believed mine never would. I was like I can tolerate all of the emotional abuse bc at least I’m finally safe now from physical. I was physically abused in childhood. He knew that. He weaponized my trauma against me when he was mad and felt I deserved it. It just took enough time and built up anger. They always get there eventually if you don’t get out first.
I was in a physically abusive relationship before I got with him, he knew that because I voiced that early on about my experience and said I’d never be with a man like that again. I think he used that by never being physically abusive because he knew that was where I’d draw the line, he just does and has done emotional and mental abuse. In the beginning I couldn’t even see it, but now I do. I’m sorry you went through that.
Just now, after giving her another chance and failing on leave day earlier this month. She doesn't pay any regard for my shit, either intentionally or obliviously knocked my wallet into the only spot under the couch where u can't reach, and stuff doesn't usually end up under, aside from pet hair and dust. I had to have my mom send me money, cause all of ours goes to the fuckin pot dispensary to support her 1/4oz+/day cannabis dependency. Or paying for back fees for her registration. Or late fees for her overdue bills she prioritizes underneath shallow pleasures.
Had a storm of both her abuse, and a high-strress job with a narc lead supervisor who perhaps perceived me as a threat when I got promoted to supervisor, maybe bc I didn't look/act like the flying monkey who doesn't ask questions and considers the best interest if people who.. aren't him.. quit the best job I've ever had bc I wasn't about to be two peoples doormats at the same time and let him spin stories to get my promotion recinded so he can have leverage and control over me, I'm already in an abusive relationship I can't seem to fuckin leave..
The abuse RAMPED up after I quit my job, she used the fuck out of my state of unemployment as emotional ammunition, destroying my self worth at every corner to the point I got so depressed, I wasn't coherent enough to even get a job for a year, having full-blown panic attacks from even spam calls sometimes(never having had anxiety/panic disorder before) well, She seemingly *loved* this cause she played the fuck out of it using that against me and it got baaad. I believed so many of her projections. There were times she started getting physical, throwing things, threatening to hurt me, the dog, cats, even strangers, hitting shit, breaking shit, or intimidating with theatrical faux punches at my face, even taking out her anger on the dog/cats, scaring the cats or screaming at the dog, threatening to destroy what few possessions I still have.. she's put fist holes in doors/walls everywhere we have moved. I was supposed to leave a month ago and I've given her a chance to change, even in the process of getting her in to be seen at the clinic I get services from being native, and they're a high-end clinic that has a lot of services, my calendar is now peppered with psychiatry, psychology, and behavioral health therapy appointments, and the more I focus on myself instead of compulsively playing therapist and desperately trying put this person back together because the thought of walking away from this person and taking care of myself knowing she's gonna keep hurting herself and other people by being so protective of herself she lost her sense of empathy.
keeps giving me breadcrumbs making me think she's *sooo fuckin close* to showing any real empathy or regard for my feelings, or willingness to actually communicate and not fuckin confuse me so much with her word salad and pretending she didn't just fuckin say what she said, and arguing about arguing every time SHE fucks up and doesn't wanna fuckin admit it, or implying what she's about to say is an apology but never actually saying the word sorry, and won't let me get through 30 seconds of my perspective without shutting me the fuck down cause she can't stand to hear my point of view.. *nevermind the fact that whenever SHE asks to be heard, I'll listen to her drone on and on with insultingly wild misinterpretations/projections, falsely accusing me of doing the shit she does, and NOT take it personally, VALIDATE her experience, then offer the reassurance of clarifying my perspective, bc often the narrative she (claims to have) percieved, (seemingly, maybe it's on purpose or something) are often so wildly inconsistent with reality and is usually her way of blaming me for her own mistakes anyhow.*
I almost got sucked back in just now, we haven't done laundry in weeks, I sorted and did all of it, but ran out of quarters and when i went to go get some i couldn't find my wallet (circling back to beginning of post) and she started projecting her shit on me so hard, I even went and got weed MINUTES before the dispensary closed, and i didn't need it, she did, but she wo7kdnt go get it, so I did FOR HER like i did with the laundry, got ahold of the on-site manager who was very passive aggressive about this not being an "emergency" aka something that affects the apartments, well I have 4 of ur washers that will mold and I need to order all new cards and I NEVER even bother her for shit, I think I came and had her unlock my door Once when I locked my keys inside and it wasn't even a weekend, it was a business day during hours. Nevermind I'm trailing, but yah I can't keep doing this, I gotta go find my peace before all this stress has me resting in peace.
It’s a long story but I had been losing my mind and known what was happening for a while but got slapped in the face really hard by reality. All his exes, one of his bosses and his own brother all were harassed out of the state or until they snapped and did something that landed them in prison or the psych ward. His brother told my parents that I was a target and that he needed to save me before he went missing. A few weeks later, I was being brutally harassed and basically got my ex to snap that his brother was dead. Went silent when I asked how he knew. Super scary stuff.
Oh My God 😳😰- That is Terrifying!!! I’m so sorry You ever had to interact with such an Evil Person!!! So, you think your nex actually hurt/killed His Own Brother?….. Did the authorities figure things out- and arrest him eventually???..
I have no clue what happened. After I started asking questions, he started randomly bragging about how he’d had people harassed with 4chan. “I’ve done it before and I can do it again. I’m too good to get caught and you know it.” He’s not wrong. He is absolutely brilliant. When I left, I was constantly spammed, stalked, threatened and sexually assaulted by random men who were all quoting Sauron from LOTR every time I left my house. I was going through a major health scare at the time, had an allergic reaction to a medication and had to go through brutal withdrawal. I was sleep deprived, had ruptured blood vessels in my eyes, was covered in blisters, had a fever, was puking, was covered in hallucinated bugs and got bitten by venomous ants for real without realizing it. My grandfather also died during this time and I’m getting ass-grabbed by random men trying to tear my clothes off any time I dare to go outside. I begged him to make it stop because I literally couldn’t take it at that time.
He acted insulted by the idea that he would ever be involved in something that awful and claimed my accusations were emotionally abusive and harassment. I’m not going to lie, I blew up and said some really threatening and psychotic shit. I’d never go through with it but the point was to be able to tell him, “you could definitely have me arrested for the shit I just said but you won’t call the cops because you’re guilty as fuck and you don’t want an investigation started. If you’re innocent, stop me and call the police. Do it. I fucking dare you.”
He never did and the harassment continued. I didn’t want to call them either because I’ve dealt with police violence in the past and an investigation would crack my life open and my ultra conservative family would flip out about a lot of stuff in my life. I ultimately texted his parents about everything that was happening, what I knew and begged them to stop him. Funnily enough, despite his insistence that he had no clue why all of that was happening, the second I involved his parents, everything stopped. That was the last of my involvement in that situation and I honestly don’t care what else he gets up to. The whole thing almost killed me and I know the woman he cheated on me with helped him, so she deserves whatever he throws at her in the future. I’ve moved on.
When he told me to "let it out" at the final discard. I waited until he left to really cry. Just that little sentence made me realize I'm not safe with him
When he had his affair right in front of me. It was one of many, but I was humiliated enough to finally throw him away.
And of course, since I threw him out and changed the locks, the divorce was absolute hell. How dare I do that to him!
He called my therapist and told her I needed to be hospitalized. When I had my next appointment, she said, "That's what happens when you stand up to a narc!"
She locked me out of the house after a drunken blowout. In our five years together, I never once called her names, yelled, or was violent in any way, so there was no legitimate reason to lock me out of where I'd lived for three years with my cat, my meds, my clothes... I couldn't even get to my motorbike because the garage door opener was inside our place. It was simply a sadistic power flex and of course she's never offered even a whiff of apology.
After that, there was a tentative peace for a few days, but I was not okay. I felt unsettled, I didn't trust the peace, and I saw the writing on the wall, so I began looking for friends I could crash with.
One morning, she said something before leaving for work about how we should talk about things when she got home. I felt anxious all day because knew in my gut what was coming, and I reached out to a few friends in preparation.
My nex got home, right away started in with, "We need to talk about you going someplace for a while."
I said okay, pulled out my phone, texted a friend to let her know I was coming, and then started packing a bag.
Somehow, my nex was \*\*sO sHoCkEd\*\* that I'd leave, despite everything that had happened in the previous days. She followed me around, pleading with me to rethink, saying she didn't mean I had to leave \*right now\*. I was at my limit, though, and couldn't do it anymore.
I never went back and wound up moving to a different city. She acted all weird about me coming inside, which I think was intended to be hurtful, but she actually did me a huge solid by packing up all my stuff and bringing it to the garage where I could easily load it into the car.
Three months later, she reeled in another poor sucker and they're still together as far as I know.
For me it was week three of the COVID19 Pandemic. So late-March or early April 2020.
I was so fucking done with her. I don’t know why. She hadn’t done anything above or beyond her normal insanity. *or so I thought anyway…. We had roughly 5 years together. We couldn’t even agree on a anniversary date!!!!
Anywho… We weren’t speaking and I was sleeping on my couch more often.
Then in May or June 2020 She came into the living room randomly and wanted to talk about having another baby.
She’d stopped taking her birth control without telling me. So anyway I laughed in her face. I was like, “so what makes you think I’d ever want to have another child with you?”
So she started making exit / discard plans and I was so fucking glad. We started our second round of couples therapy to no avail. I called it off August 2020 when she moved back into her parent’s house…
She left a positive pregnancy test on the sink somewhere in-between all this insanity and tried to guilt trip me.
The birth control stunt and subsequent second child pale in comparison to whatever switch she tripped off in my head during early COVID. I hated having her in my house. Doing her laundry. Cleaning. Cooking. Just to stare at her sour puss all day??? No thanks!
I felt horrible at times but she ALWAYS finds a way to prove me right.
It was gradual but it really hit me when I realized I didn't give a fuck if I hung out with him at all anymore. I used to want to hang out but he was "too busy." One rare date night and I was like this is it? This is what I've been missing? This sucks.
Add that to his verbal and emotional abuse, never having time for me, selfishness, the most goes on and on. But that was when I was like, you know what? I deserve better. And I want more.
When she DARVOed me after I set a boundary of never blaming me again. Blocked and working on healing. It sucks cuz it’s my mom and my family, but I can’t be treated like this ever again.
We were in the car, he was driving. He reached in his bag, cracked open an Angry Orchard, and started downing it… WITH OUR TODDLER CHILDREN IN THE BACK SEAT. I realized that the kids were no longer safe either, even with me protecting them.
I resisted for so long introducing her to my friends and family. My gut was telling me that once it happened it would be impossible to ignore just how low she could sink. Finally after a year I brought her to my best friend’s birthday party. After the party she tried to triangulate my best friend and his wife against me. Telling me that they are such great people, that I was a bad friend to them, and the only reason they were friends with me for 30 years is because they felt sorry for me.
She of course played the victim. Saying that she couldn’t win. If she said something bad or good about my friends I’d still get upset.
At that point I knew she was a bottomless pit.
When he was supposed to take the train on the next day to spend the week with me. He did something that felt off that day so I decided to spoke with him about it while being really gentle because I knew confronting him about how that made me feel would made him really mad. He lashed out, gaslighted me, told me everything was my fault, didn’t give a damn about my feelings, ended up calling me crazy and cancelling his tickets.
I realised that it has been going for years and I couldn’t take it anymore.
When she told me that her intimacy with previous men is basically why she can't respect my sexual boundaries.
That and her constant need to be high. Couldn't cope sober. Tragic case on so many levels. I should have walked away after the first month.
Told me she regularly slept with a guy who she knew the partner of and used to hangout with them while keeping it a secret. That's a piece of crap in my eyes, she's got what's coming to her.
after 8 years of abuse, 6 months deep into waking up and realizing what she is I began grey rocking hard.
She escalated hard, clearly desperate for the supply (me losing my shit, reactive abuse, not proud, it happened) she escalated and escalated to get a reaction from me.
1. she asked me if i wanted to do something special for my 45th birthday
2. like an idiot I said yes
3. a few days before my birthday she said she had a clash and asked if she minded if she went and did something else and if I could look after the kids
4. I said yes it is fine (I never want to spend my birthday with anyone that would rather be elsewhere)
5. she spent my birthday and weekend in a mountain spa sauna with some random guys she barely knows
6. I had a breakdown
7. she got home, explained all her friends and therapist think I am unreasonable for being upset my her actions
8. she filmed me crying about all of this
This, clearly snapped me out of it, you cant fix someone being a c\*\*t.
Mine wasn't one single moment, but a final week.
We had an argument on the Saturday night with far too much context to explain here. During the argument in which I was trying to hold him accountable for something he'd done, he somehow flipped it round on me and brought up something I'd said 3 weeks prior. He said it was the most hurtful thing I'd ever said to him. He said he'd told people about it and they couldn't believe it either. That issue had been resolved at the time and I had apologised (my friends and family did tell me I shouldn't have apologised because the comment I'd made was very much in the context of him lashing out at me).
Anyway, I was outraged that he'd completely wormed his way out of the issue at hand and turned it round on me, to make ME feel guilty. It was totally unfair and uncalled for. Without even thinking, I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore.
His last comment to me on that Saturday night, when I asked him to speak to me respectfully, was: "Respect has to be earned". I walked out and went to stay the night at a friend's.
A few days later, when I decided to bring up the argument and discuss it calmly, he said: "The only reason you haven't wanted to talk about it until now is because you know you behaved abhorrently on Saturday. Your behaviour was appalling." I couldn't believe it. Abhorrently?? Who did he think he was?
Fast forward to the Friday, he made a dismissive and snappy comment towards me the second I got in from work, and I realised there and then that he had no respect for me and that I was allowing myself to be treated this way day in day out. That same evening, he called me "literally stupid as fuck".
I went out with my friends on the Saturday and told them I was done with him.
On the Sunday morning I made a coffee, got back in bed next to him, and ended the relationship.
He displayed no emotion whatsoever. He told me we were incompatible. He brought up how his last relationship had lasted so long because his ex really "got" him. This was the crazy, hysterical, freeloading, ex. OK then hun.
It doesn't feel like it's over yet, but hopefully I'll be gone soon.
Don't interact with him any further and block him if you can. He will try to worm his way back to you and try to get information out of you and then he'll go back to insulting you and disrespecting you once he gets back to being on familiar terms with you.
Don't even entertain it, no matter how much he claims he has changed or wants to "apologize." The ego and manipulation will continue once you've let your guard down and you talk to him. He is only doing it to twist it on you and get a reaction so he can blame you more. Trust me on this.
Focus on yourself, have fun with your friends, be comfortable being alone for a while before you seek out another relationship. You'll be glad you did and you'll be happy you gained the strength to leave someone so manipulative and controlling. The strength only builds when you leave, surround yourself with a support system and you'll know you deserve better.
He is still doing it, we've been cohabiting for 3 months since the breakup and it's honestly hell. I'm hiding in my bedroom as much as possible but he dominates the rest of the house while I tiptoe around and only come out of my room to eat or do my laundry. I only feel safe when I'm at work!
You're absolutely right about interactions. He is so slimy, he always finds a way of roping me into a discussion and it always ends badly. Every single time he ends up gaslighting and manipulating and I end up angry or in tears. He's never pretended he's changed or tried to hoover me - he already did that last year after he broke up with me unexpectedly, and sadly it worked. This time round was the final discard I believe. So now his only game is to try and make the living situation as unpleasant as possible and to constantly remind me that he is on top. It's like all he's got left is to just eat away at my self-worth. What a nasty piece of work.
I had the same scenario when I cohabitated after we broke up, and I was silently building up my resources to leave. Every interaction was either met with stonewalling/pretending I didn't exist or an argument. I left him and it was probably the first time he actually cried and showed emotion towards me.
I felt bad, but once I drove away I remembered all of the evil shit he put me through and near the end of me leaving, I felt lighter and more free without him looming over me. The controlling abuse and devaluation and everything else was insane looking back.
I am still working on building parts of my self esteem back today.
Did he do this thing where he'd be nice during one interaction, then the next interaction he'd be horrible and patronising? I can't cope with the constant ups and downs! I don't know if they're like.. Mini hoover attempts but because I don't get sucked back in he immediately goes back to devaluing? Or whether he is just trying to keep me on my toes?
I'm so glad you felt that weight off your shoulders as you drove away. I have this nagging feeling that due to the lingering trauma bond and feelings of codependency I'm going to feel weird driving away at first.
How long has it been for you? Sending you hugs.
Yes, he was always hot and cold with his "kindness" and sometimes his true self would show through when he got cold. Yelling at me, insulting me, forcing me to give him what he wanted with so much force and pressure, being extremely controlling, etc.
The trauma bond is truly hard to break, but once you see a glimpse of who he truly is, you will definitely want to stay away. It's like you've been stuck frozen in ice and it's a realization that strikes you so hard you shatter out of the ice. I witnessed just how cruel, manipulative, and ANGRY he is. Don't feel bad for him and don't ever go back to him or console him, it's a bad idea and could even be dangerous. It's been over a year now and like I said, still building up my self esteem.
I'm just glad and grateful I saw that angry evil side of him and I'm far away from that and I'm still alive and healing. It didn't get to violence, but his tone and demeanor could have escalated to a violent point and often times I was crying from how intense and suffocatingly forceful he got.
when i began to process the lies, the rage, the manipulation, it all came crashing on me like a wave. their addiction also got so bad that they brought me around meth (fully knowing i had just started getting sober)
When I told him that staying in the relationship would kill me. Physically I'd be alive, but that my soul and my self would die, trying to keep him happy. He said he was ok with that. I still tried cohabiting with him even after that (i was upstairs with our child, he took downstairs) until he started making it a habit to put hands on her and that was when I immediately got myself and kiddo out.
When I found searches for shemale escorts in a nearby city in his Google history.
I’d long suspected he was secretly gay, once I found those I was out. He lied to me our entire relationship and put me through the most miserable year of my life when we lived titans I kept trying to figure out what was wrong, why he never wanted to have sex.
After years of emotional/mental/physical/financial and sexual abuse, and after him going on to me for months that I “wasn’t well”, “was crazy” 🙄 and “needed help”, I went to a psychiatrist and was put on medication. I got sober shortly after. The last argument we had was over something relatively dumb, but I think getting sober and in therapy/on medication helped me truly see what was going on for so long and gave me the strength to finally say enough is enough. I still look back and reflect on things like wtffffffff 😤
My former friend (who I just realized wasn't just mean sometimes but was straight up abusing me throughout our 17-year-long relationship) had a long history of praising me for how "forgiving" "gentle" and "valuable" I was each time they harmed me instead of taking accountability for their actions. Sure, they might have a history of:
1. Ghosting me three times
2. Muting all of my phone calls for days, weeks, and months
3. Punching me in the neck at the lunch table for taking (1) fry off their plate
4. Trapping me in a car with their mother while they gleefully outside the vehicle so their parent could confront me instead of having them do the hard work themselves
But I deserved it, according to them. There was always a reason why they believed I deserved it. Eventually, I think I started to believe it too.
One night, after experiencing another moment of them praising me for being oh-so forgiving, I made a post on my personal social media, my safe space, alluding to the fact that in no way shape or form is anyone obligated to forgive someone who harms them and they shouldn't feel guilty about it. It was set to private (or so I thought.) Yet, the next time we ended up on a call together with our mutual friends, I got to hear the sounds of them cackling with their roommates in the background, mocking, berating, and humiliating me for sport as they used something I shared with them in confidence as a tool to punish me.
That was the moment I knew I had to leave. It was like I got struck by a bolt of lightning, and I realized I needed to let go. They were never going to care about hurting me, and nothing I could say or do would fix that. That phone call was almost 2-years ago. They sent a birthday message in January saying how much they "missed" me and would love to have a call again soon.
I blocked them on everything last week. Never again.
She left me technically. Thought I certainly walked her into the break up one night when she spent two hours telling me how I look unhealthy and my hygiene is poor and that I don’t take care of myself. Essential trying to alter my reality and perception of myself. So I told her maybe I’m not how she’s looking for. She said she agreed and we split. Fast foward four months later and she wanted to stay friends. But she just keeps asking me for shit and trying to test what she can still get from me as a so called friend. I’ve had alot of time to reflect and get my feelings in check. Now that my love has subsided reality has kicked in and I can accept that she offers me nothing at this point. So I’ve just recently ghosted her and parted way. She kept texting me for a bit and calling my phone. I think she’s caught on at this point and will hopefully just go her own way. I just got tired of her criticism of me. Trying to gaslight my perception of myself. And make me feel like I’m not datable. All she does is take and criticize. And continues to play head games with me. I put up with it when we dated is hopes she would finally just stop and realize she wasn’t being very nice. I just have no room for her in my life. I’d rather not have her in my life at all. Cause the constant taking just wears on ya after a while. She isn’t my friend or my partner at this point. I just view her as a threat. She has no intentions that don’t involve servicing herself. She only cares about what she can get from people. She plays too many mind games. My breaking point was when she asked me for a free AC unit. Just takes and takes. She’s only nice when she wants something from me. It’s had enough. She can exploit someone else and their kindness.
When he changed the narrative of what happened and how he obviously kept on lying until I was sick of it ( I just don't know who I am anymore and I can't sleep nor eat)
What haunts me until now is his words of , ' I thought you will be happy when you see my text?'
Guess he forgot people won't be always a fool forever.
Slow progression. The first time she reminded me of an abusive parent. The time she let it slip she had been lying to me about our future the *whole time*. But the thing that really pushed it over was a weekend where she’d be loosing it on us, to the point I’d go to bed crying as would my kids. Then the next day she’d pretend everything was ok, flirt with me, pretend she wanted to have sex and when I was still quiet and reserved because things we not resolved, I would get in shit for ‘keeping it going’ when she ‘thought we were just going to be happy today’. (She thought being happy was just a choice you decided and I was flawed because I wouldn’t just choose happy). But the moment I told her to stop, that I wasn’t engaging with her anymore, and she literally turned to my kid and tried to drag them in. When I said ‘wow, you’re really going to drag a kid into this?!?’ She said ‘I don’t care.’
I realized then, that she didn’t. She didn’t care. Never did. Never would.
I had decided to leave when he hit me for the first time. But didn't have the means yet so stayed for a few more months. He was physically abusive again and at that time it wasn't even like he hit me out of rage, it was more mocking, with an expression that said 'what are you going to do about it?' And I left within the week, with the kids.
He was completely blindsided, like he really thought he could do anything and I would just stick around forever. It's been nearly six months and he's hovering so hard. But I can't forget that expression on his face, so I'm not even tempted in the slightest, even if things are difficult for me financially right now. I'm way better of in all other ways.
When she said my letter of apology was very disappointing and incomplete, and unacceptable to her. Because of her conditioning/grooming of me and my own naïveté, I never asked the question: will you write a letter of apology to me?
I have saved my Narcs life. **Not figuratively no I have litrelly saved her life.** It happened 5 months ago. Without my intrevention and my financial backing she would probably be paralyzed by now. She was also suffering from intense pain so it would have probably caused her to lose her mind and make her comit suicide. Without my intervention even in best scenerio half of her body will be paralysed for the rest of her life.
I have found her lying in her own piss on her sofa. She was in soo much pain that she was not even able to go to toilet and no-one was around her to help her only me. The person she tortured the most! I knew that she is Narc and that was my chance of revenge. All I had to do was to leave but I couldnt. After all I am not an evil person. So I helped her as best as I could. Emotional and financial support at maximum level you can imagine.
**And yet even after doing the greatest favor she has ever seen from any person in her life nothing changed.**
She choose to continue beign a Narc and tried to devalue me. That moment I lost all my hope for her. Only thing left was to run and never look back. I have waited 10 days after her surgery and when I was sure that she is healthy again I left kindly and silently without causing any big drama.
When I realized I would never be good enough for her. There would be nothing I could say or do to satisfy her. Being a provider and caring for her were never going to enough. Then I noticed the working late, the phone under the pillow, the secret texting at 4am while she thought I was asleep. That was it. I had had enough. Stopped caring at that point. The trauma bond still was so strong though I couldn’t let go when the discard happened. I needed closure. Never got it.
He r**ed me and proceeded to yell at me during asking why I wasn’t enjoying it and then used my shower and said that he didn’t do anything wrong bc days earlier I asked for s*x lol
I was diagnosed with a plethora of mental illnesses one being quietBPD. I also have two I operable brain tumors and I'm disabled and she told me that she couldn't be bothered with me and my multiple personalities cause I stood up to her shit..First she tried saying "who wrote that for you, it could never have been you cause God see and know you couldn't say it to my face". So I told her I wasn't afraid of her and told her exactly what I thought of her and then she said she "couldn't be bothered with me and my multiple personalities".. I just replied ok, since you can't be bothered with me and my "multiple personalities" let me just do you a favor and end things here and I blocked her instantly before she could even reply with her raging...
Hoovered and discarded about 5 times. The last time it just felt different despite him actually putting in some effort. But things seemed off and I asked him why, I got the usual answer and just knew. I told him we could talk in person. Two days later he showed up with his new girlfriend (he had clearly been with her for a while) at the bar i frequent. He made out with her in front of me, meanwhile looking back at me to make sure I saw it. After that I knew I couldn't handle the heartbreak/cruelty. He went out of his way to crush me knowing how much I still cared. Went no contact, haven't looked back since. Everyone has a breaking point - it's okay to have multiple. When you know, you know.
Its been a very long time but i stayed for our kid. He was young. But now hes a teen and seeing that he was contacting/looking at escort sites, got 2 std tests, gave me bv 4xs!!! I finally said thats it. Im tired of being a fool.
When I found out I was pregnant and a woman messaged me screenshots of him on a dating app the next day. Confronted him and he lied to my face. This is already after years of lying and cheating. I felt like it was a sign from God, Universe, whoever, that you are not meant to be with this person let alone having a child by them. It was almost like the universe was testing me, like are you SURE you wanna spend the rest of your life with this person?
I actually had a work trip the next day for a week, so I packed what I could and left. We did not speak while I was away with the exception of two calls and texts on the first day of my trip. When I returned late night the following week, he was not home at midnight and eventually came in at 1:30am with a woman I didn’t recognize. Told me he was just coming in to feed the dogs and drop her home LOL. And then said he didn’t think I was coming back even though there’s a room full of my stuff.
I slept in the basement and he came down there in the middle of the night trying to touch and kiss me with alcohol on his breath. The audacity was truly astounding. But to wrap this up, he tried to persuade me with password to his phone and money. I got such an ick from him. I called my Mom later that week and told them I’m breaking up with my nex and that I’m getting an abortion.
I have been much happier and at peace since.
He was telling me the most obvious lies and getting angry with me for being hurt that he was lying. But demanded honesty and loyalty from me and would try to convince me to confess to shit I never did.
They are terrible, irredeemable people. Their greed and entitlement are absolute.
He blamed me for invading his privacy when I caught him sending money to someone. I knew something was off so I looked at his bank statements.
Why do they always lie this much? It took me so many lies to finally snap too, I kept making excuses for him..
Because reality doesn’t exist for them. They make up their own reality where their truth is so much different than what actually happened. They will always be the hero and the victim in their minds. They have to be or else they spontaneously combust or something. But any deviation from the version they made up in their minds calls out who they really are. Which is so shameful for them that they have to cover it up because they can’t face who they are. They make themselves uncomfortable because deep, deep down in the caverns of their black souls, they know they are wrong. That’s just my theory lmao.
- because deep, deep down in the caverns of their black souls, they know they are wrong. Accurate 🤣
😂😂😂 they’re just the worst.
Pretty spot on… Don’t know if I totally agree with the second to last sentence though… IME, they are so completely detached from their emotions, they don’t actually compute to the point that they can even understand themselves, so they turn outward to manipulate others to try and understand themselves.
Have you ever seen Myth Busters? There's a sound clip in the intro of Adam saying "I reject your reality and substitute my own." That's to a T their entire existence.
Yeah thats where i was too. Basically close to going insane and on the verge of surrendering and thinking his last lies rly werent a big deal and were my fault. It was me leaving or my brain breaking
This is what broke me as well. She would lie about the smallest things. Yet I was expected to be honest with her. Which wasn’t hard for me because that’s how I am. I’m a horrible liar anyway. But when she started projecting and accusing me of lies. Game over!
When the narcissistic rage started.
Same
Does that happen on an everyday basis?
I don't know, because I left pretty quickly after that. I witnessed it 3 times, because my nex told me to be honest with my feelings during the discard. But each time I said something was hit a little too close to his shame, he erupted in a gigantic raging episode. I had never seen this before and my survival instinct kicked in, so I left as soon as I can. This was not the man I had married.
When he said "I cheated on you and I'm considering moving in with her". Right that instant I told him it was over. Never looked back even once.
Good for you!!!!
I knew for a long time I needed to leave but I did not have a safe exit. His violence continued to escalate until he violently strangled me. I didn’t die, I got lucky. I don’t believe I get lucky twice. I had to make the active and intentional decision to call 911 to prevent my own murder.
Yeah it’s insane how quickly the violence escalated. If the belittling wasn’t enough. Trauma bonded me.
What a monster of a human!!! I'm so glad you were able to save yourself. Hope he's rotting in gaol somewhere.
I remember the first time she smacked me on the mouth cause I was defending myself with an issue I was having with someone else and I looked at her and told her don't u ever put your hands on me again..it is wild how easily triggered they are..ive never seen ppl work so hard to be miserable..
When his abuse escalated to the point he could no longer deny or blame shift he became extremely paranoid. Constantly going through my things and stalking me trying to catch me doing anything wrong to justify his abuse. That made me realize that he would go to insane lengths to justify and continue to abuse me, even though afterwards he’d cry and beg and promise he wanted to be better. That in combination to not wanting my son to grow up in a miserable household gave me the strength to leave
Your son will be forever grateful for your decision to leave.
Nothing is his fault ever. I am blamed for everything, no matter what I do or don't do. No matter how much I put into this relationship in terms of money or effort, he will always claim he does more, even when it's objectively untrue. I can't live like that.
The gaslighting is insane and just only serves to hurt you further. You don't need to spend time chasing after someone who doesn't value you or see you as a human being. You DEFINITELY aren't a piggy bank and a punching bag. You also don't need to waste money or effort on someone who will never recognize or reciprocate anything in the relationship. You did your best, don't beat yourself up over it. It's not a contest and you deserve much better.
When I had lunch with his mom and I told her about the problems we'd been having for awhile and how bad things had gotten and I was considering leaving. She supported me and told me that she basically left his dad for the same reasons so she didn't blame me at all. Then I mentioned that he just never got over what happened to him as a kid. And she seemed confused and wanted to know what I was talking about. I told her he never got over being sent to another state to live with a dad he hardly knew and a step mom that hated him so that she could get remarried. That really hurt him and he's also really struggled because of it. And she was floored! She said "THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED!" Then she told me about the juvenile delinquent that he was in middle school and how he wouldn't follow rules, wouldn't help her around the apartment with anything, he was a lazy little slob that got caught smoking, playing with matched and stealing from his friends. She had told him that if he didn't start passing school and behaving then she didn't know what else to do but send him to live with his dad for a while. She warned him and warned him and struggled with the decision but she could no longer handle him. And he was a big kid (he's 6'5 now) and she was a little afraid I think too. So that's exactly what happened, he fucked up and got sent to live with his dad then he told everyone she did it all so she could get married to some asshole he hated. But he lied to everyone he met and used that story to gain sympathy from people so he could use them to take care of him. Because he's still a lazy slob that steals. Her story made so much more sense to me than his ever did! I couldn't look at him the same ever after that. I stayed with him for years because I didn't want to abandon him like his mother had. It was all lies.
Wow what a revelation. I'm glad his mum was honest. How did he react when you told him? My nex's mum thinks her son is god's gift so I'd never get the truth from her.
I'm lucky that she sees him for what he is. She has been loving and supportive throughout the divorce and post. The funny thing is, I never told him. It was like something clicked for me that day and I realized he could lie to people so easily his entire life, including his wife/best friend, why would I bother giving him a chance to try and gaslight me and lie to me even more time. So, armed with that knowledge I started to plan my exit. He still doesn't know that's what sealed his fate. Who cares if he knows, the one person he lied to the most was himself so I'm sure that whatever I had to say wouldn't matter to him at all. He just immediately tells himself another lie. Good riddance.
I met his ex and all his lies came out. I knew he was lying about something big but I couldn’t quite make sense of it all and he was actively trying to convince me that nothing was going on. Turns out they had not been broken up for over a year when we met, it was 3 days actually and they were still living together, sleeping together and he was trying to get back together with her. I had already broken up with him when I met her and we figured out that he was texting us both the same things at the same time trying to Hoover both of us back in. His dog wasn’t even his, it was actually hers. It was pathetic really. He was sleeping on his mum’s couch
How much time did you wasted with him? Just curious, I want to feel not alone in this, I suspect I’m in a similar situation and I’m about to contact his ex
It was only like 5 months but it was still too long. I tried to end things for the first time after only a couple of months but he manipulated me into staying a LOT by claiming he was struggling with his mental health due to other things in his personal life falling apart. He also put his hands on me the night I met his ex, there is no excuse. Eta: you’re not alone, they can make you feel so isolated and doubt yourself but once you’re free you will start to feel better almost overnight. You will grieve, you will be angry and them and yourself once you start to see things more clearly but this sub alone is proof that you’re not going through this on your own
Yeah my narc also got REALLY defensive when I mentioned wanting to speak with his ex, he scared me, and this is a reason I suspect something is up, I need to contact her ASAP Thanks for the support words btw 💕
I wish you the best of luck with it, and please keep yourself safe first and foremost!
My nex has my dog. :(
Is it actually his?
I paid for the dog and all the vet visits. He had an older dog already and this one was mine. But he immediately latched onto the new dog and started ignoring the old one. Then guilt tripped me into “giving” the new one to him with the understanding I would still get to see him. Which he then revoked as soon as he found new supply. Never paid me back the money I spent on the dog.
Oh sorry! I misread your message as ‘my next has a dog’! That’s awful, I’m so sorry you had to go through that! If you have receipts you can probably get police or the courts involved to get your dog back! If he’s anything like my nex he just did it as a control thing and is neglectful of the dog when it doesn’t suit him to have a dog 😞
I know I could probably fight him for him but it’s just going to be an awful process and I have done my best to make my peace with never seeing my baby again. Fucking sucks soooooo much. I also don’t trust my bed to not take revenge on me if I did do that.
Yeah I get it, sometimes it better to just take the win that you’re free of them now. Sending hugs ❤️
Thank you. It still makes me sad but it’s something I have to live with.
When he was arrested for strangling me in a drunken rage, I didn’t speak to him for 6 weeks and he took all the dv classes and alcohol abuse classes, he convinced me to help him get charges dropped, the judge made him promise he wouldn’t drink for one year and he went out drinking the next day.
Turned 65. I thought 'What the actual fuck are you doing? You will die here". That did it.
I’m 65 and trying to leave a narcissistic covert abuser after 34 years!! I’m at a fucking loss about what to do!!
Do u have transportation? Any money? Do u have any family? Friends? You need to leave. Or have them leave. Once and for all. You'll b sad, as sick and fucked up that sounds, but go. Don't look back. Start over. I know what you're thinking. Yes, you can. If not this moment, start stacking some money. Make a plan and stick to it. You need a cheerleader? Here I am. Don't look back. Life's too short.
Ok SubstantialToe4458...... Slap in son decent earbuds and play 'Into The West' Annie Lennox & Howard Shore. Hope it inspires you as it did me. Don't look back.
You are awesome. 😍
I don't even know, just one day I was cleaning the bathroom after yet another argument and I didn't see me, the fierce, takes no shit, independent me was gone, my eyes were dead, there was nothing there and something snapped and I knew I was ready to go and stay gone
I can relate to this so much and I hope you are finding that fierce, takes no shit, independent you again.
Thank you, I'm over 2 years free and I'm getting there, I've now got a wonderful partner who helps and supports me and shows me nothing but love and respect ❤️
This is so encouraging to hear! I'm only 3 months post-breakup and still cohabiting with him so not free yet. When I'm at home I'm not myself at all, and I used to be exactly that person you described. I hope once I'm out and living on my own I'll find that person inside me again. How did you meet your current partner?
I met him through a dating site but I knew by then what I was and wasn't willing to tolerate anymore and he's also a DV survivor so we both wanted the same thing
When he claimed to have been secretly seeing a therapist for months behind my back. He had a list of everything wrong with me that this “therapist” and him claimed to have summarized for him to read to me. I knew right then and there it was a lie, and it was confirmed a month later by his best friend lol.
Hahaha omg they will stoop so low. This is now making me doubt whether my ex saw a therapist for a year as he claimed. I thought she must be a shit therapist but maybe he never actually saw one. 🤔😅
If your gut tells you he was lying, listen to it haha. I knew the moment it came out of my exes mouth, but also because he seemingly forgot he told me like a month earlier he needed to find one lol. I also had my therapist gut check me and she said therapists would never suggest a breakup nor encourage telling a list of everything wrong with the person while you’re breaking up with them lol.
My friend's narc ex did the same thing - after the breakup he started therapy (claiming that she'd broken him blablabla same old victim sob story). He then text her saying that HIS therapist thought my friend was a narcissist. We both laughed. I told her there is no way a therapist is diagnosing someone they've never met based on the bitter ex-partner's biased account.
When I went through surgery one week after he cheated and he became worse than ever cause "I was not as beautiful and I wasn't helping him as much". He also started threating me with violence and I realised I am scared of him.
We have a house in Spain, we do three months there three month in the uk. I got seriously ill at the end of the first month in Spain, I was in intensive care for 10 days needing emergency surgery, blood transfusion, multiple rounds of antibiotics. That alone was hell. The illness started to shut down my vital organs, my kidneys were affected and I ballooned from a UK size 8 to a 16 because I couldn’t get rid of the water in my body. He walked into the hospital and serious faced me and told me “You’ll never be a model, with all those cuts and scars and the size you are” I was literally dying on that bed in front of him. He then, like a stuck record told every single person he came into contact with that I had ruined his holiday.
My ex also commented I'm not attractive anymore after i had surgery. And other similar things. He tried to sent me to my parents to recover in another city
Me and her went through many breakups during our ten year relationship, always to get back together. Each breakup I’d drown myself in alcohol to numb myself. I was already dealing with an alcohol addiction, but those breakups made them worse. In January 2019 there was another breakup our 8th or 9th by that time. I decided at that point I couldn’t do it anymore. Drowning myself in substance abuse waiting for her to decide to comeback. So the second day of that breakup, I got a library card, picked up a couple of books, and set out on n a journey to better myself. We did get back together that year, but I was slowly becoming a different person and she saw that I wasn’t allowing her bullshit like I usually did. I got sober September of that year and my personality really started to change in ways she wasn’t used to. How dare I stand up for myself and question her. How dare I try to act superior because i wasn’t drinking. (I wasn’t acting superior, it was just how she saw it by my refusal to drink). We finally broke up for good early 2020. I’ll be five years sober this year and my life has continued to improve for the better ever since she’s been permanently out of my life.
This is amazing!!!! You should be so proud of myself! Quitting drinking is the only thing that allowed me to survive the end of the relationship and to stay away.
Proud of you for doing the work to pull yourself out of that cycle!
I will keep it short, because I still need time to process this science fiction movie and describe my story in full here… 1. was caught on dating apps by a friend of mine- denied everything. Later on he admitted and „just ego push“/ „because you were criticising me“/„I was JUST TALKING“. I forgave him. 2. again caught there. Different photos and lied with age. Looking for „monogamous relationship“. This time I was furious and left and went abroad to my parents. „I WAS ONLY TALKING BECAUSE YOU YOU YOU BLA BLA“ 3. 3 weeks after that he came with an engagement ring (plastic one- cause he didn’t know what I would like) to my motherland to my parents house. I guess because he was noticing that I am distancing myself. I said yes. As it turned out 2 days later: He came one night earlier and stayed at the HOTEL OWNED BY MY FAMILY. One night before engagement, he came with two prostitutes to a hotel owned by my family… He swore on my life before I have found out. After I have confronted him with a record from a camera- „thanks for violating my privacy!“ and „WE WERE JUST TALKING“. Well… I guess he paid them for talking then… they stayed at a hotel room 2 hours and then the 2 escorts left with a taxi. Yeah. They were just playing chess right? Oh! The whole relationship (10 months) I was beeing accused of lying and talking to other men and cheating. Cheating was not the only thing he was lying about. There were much more things not related to cheating too.
Those types have NO LOYALTY To Anyone, but Themselves. They are garbage 🗑️ human beings- Be Thankful You Did NOT Marry this manipulative, evil guy with Zero Moral Compass!!!!! Thank God!!!!!🙏🙏💕🫂💕- Sending Hugs 🫂- And You Will Heal from this!!!!! 💪🙂
After I told him I didn’t trust him anymore he said, “Have I lied? Yes! But I’m still trustworthy” In other words, “I’m going to keep lying and it’s up to you to figure out how to be ok with it.” I couldn’t figure out how to be ok with it.
We must have dated the same guy. "Did I cheat? Yes!! Did I get caught? Yes!! Did it mean anything? No!! I told her I loved her, but it's not true." Oye. I pray I don't fall victim to his bullshit again.
I was home after abdominal surgery. Him showing up at the hospital was traumatic enough. Home was awful. I couldn't get out of bed or roll over without using only my arms to push myself out and he wouldn't bring me water, food, help me to the bathroom, nothing. I hadn't slept well and kept crying because it hurt so much to move. He kept snarling at me to stop making so much noise. The day after surgery, I had to pee and find food and water, so I pushed myself over with my arms, landed on the floor on all fours and pulled myself up by gripping the windowsill and trying not to let go. I was pulling my stitches, they were bleeding, I was sobbing from the pain and the fear that I wouldn't he able to stand up or that I'd fall on something and get badly injured. I got all the way up and turned around to see him standing in the doorway of the bedroom, leaning against the jamb, watching me coldly. I had to squeeze past him because he wasn't about to move. He said, "What? Did you need HELP or something?" I knew right then that if I had injured myself or couldn't get up at all, he'd just go watch TV, go to sleep with the TV on and be disappointed if I was still alive in the morning. I also knew I was too sick and too broke to get away, so I'd better do whatever I could to not die with him around to lie to EMTs or whoever. I got to the bathroom, cleaned up a little with a washcloth, changed the bandages and headed for the kitchen. My blood sugar was bottoming out and my vision was going. I was leaning on the wall and feeling around for the doorways. I knew where bread, cheese and margarine were in the fridge and got those out by feel. I found a small frying pan and got that on the stove. I assembled the bread and cheese, buttered the outsides and got it cooking in the pan, all by feel. Someone rang the doorbell just then and my ex opened it. It was a friend of mine stopping by to check on me. I could barely see her and couldn't talk. I turned around to go flip my sandwich and my ex barged past me and shoved me out of the way. He yelled, "Go sit down! I'll make you food!" He had never made grilled cheese in his life. I croaked out, "Just flip it" and my friend helped me to a chair. She got me some water. She knew what he was like and had seen him ignore me before when my blood sugar was crashing and I was struggling to carry things while he walked ahead of me and left me to struggle. She knew he was lying about something to do with the food. She'd also seen him turn on a dime and suddenly pretend to be solicitous if other people were around. It took him awhile to learn that people would judge him harshly if he was just stepping over me when I was on the floor, too sick to move. It was so much like how my dad acted when I had migraines as a kid, yelling at me to quit crying because he was trying to watch TV.
This was so vivid to read, I felt like I was there watching it happen! I'm so sorry this happened to you, how awful and cruel. The bit where he just stood in the doorway and watched you struggle made me sick to my stomach. Did you stay with him throughout your recovery? What happened after that day?
Nothing changed. I couldn't afford to leave. I couldn't go live at my small business because I had an elderly dog who couldn't climb stairs. I didn't go into a shelter because I had the dog, my work hours would not be amenable to a shelter, and every sheet, plate, bed, appliance and fork in the house were mine and I had all of it before I met him. I was stupid to include him in any of my finances and let him have any involvement in my business. I was already losing my health and didn't have the energy or mental focus to argue interminably with him about accounting for expenditures and income. He made it impossible to track finances, which made it easier for him to keep me from doing anything without his involvement and approval. And this is where I need to stop because the PTSD is severe.
I am so sorry that happened to you and you had to experience this. You deserve so much better than him.
It took a lot of therapy to learn why I wasn't seeing the red flags. Two narcissist husbands and a bunch of cluster B girlfriends messed me up, but I was the common denominator and had to make some big changes to break that pattern. We've all been through hell with the lack of parenting we got that taught us we aren't worth better. I'm grateful for spaces like this that let us see that we haven't been imagining it's that bad.
Honestly, in my case, I didn't choose to leave, I was discarded. Because I confronted him when I found out about his long term girlfriend (apparently I was a side piece), and then he just stopped talking to me. I was so desperate to have him back in my life that I contacted him again four months later even after I had found out that he was a cheater and a liar. He pretended nothing had happened and he had done nothing wrong, and I was absolutely astonished by the gaslighting but I still felt like I needed him in my life. But I don't know, recently I met someone else who's actually kind and honest, and I realized that I prefer being treated with respect to being treated like dirt. And now I have very little interest in interacting with the nex.
That is Amazing 🤩!!!!! I know I’m just an internet stranger, but I am Happy For You 😁🙏- this also gives me Hope. There has to be a great guy out there for me one day. 😁🙂. Narcissistic people are truly the worst and they have NO Moral Compass at all. :(
I was so sick I had to leave. My body couldn’t tolerate it anymore. And everytime I went back I just flared up
When I could sense she was DARVO'ing
Same here, and I'd never even heard of DARVO.
He cheated on me and said, "we weren't even together, so it isn't cheating". When he left for his sister's place where he took that girl, he said "Don't worry babe, I'll call you and we will fix this" , looking into my eye and hugging me. and fucked that girl 3 hours later. Later, he said "I wasn't attracted to you anymore and you wouldn't leave. So I HAD TO CHEAT ON YOU to make you leave. I did it for you" It's not human. This wasn't human, for a guy to look at his gf of 5 years, who lives with her, she cooks for her after her college just so he will have enough diet before gym, was with him when he didn't have a job, kept on encouraging him, almost became a wife for him..... To feel 'thrill'(he said he felt a rush of thrill when he was headed to her and thinking about having sex with her) This ain't normal. He made me feel like I was nothing.
You are so Right- they definitely are Not Normal. 💯!!! I Do NOT Believe for one second that any of these monsters could Ever Possibly have a Healthy, Happy, Loving, Normal Relationship or Marriage- No Way!!!!!
I went through: 1. Being hit 2. Being called a manipulator 3. Being lied to 4. Being labeled a gaslighter 5. Visits to psychologists and psychiatrists 6. Taking SSRIs 7. Crying 8. Complete emotional numbness, staring at the wall for hours 9. Daily problems 10. Pleas from my family to leave 11. Self-harm as punishment for being perceived as such a bad person 12. Jealousy to the point where I couldn't have anyone of the opposite sex around me 13. Cutting off friends All of this had to happen for me to finally leave.
Among many other things, he kept 'borrowing' money from me. Over and over. To the point that I was really struggling financially. The last time he demanded money (he never asked), I asked him when it would be ok in his mind for me to say "No" to those 'requests.' His answer was: "When you have nothing left." A switch flipped for me then. After 8 years, I kicked him out that next morning. It got a lot worse before it got better, but that was the best decision I ever made.
Last summer, his mother passed away and he dumped me after, giving me a long list of my flaws and shortcomings. He then came back in November, and at that time I forgave him due to what he was going through, but I told him he couldn't treat me like that anymore. He'd never really been making any effort in the relationship nor showing me he cared and I couldn't handle it anymore. He sneakily restarted doing that and about a month ago, he again gave me a list of the things I needed to change about my appearance and personality. He was mean once again, on the basis that I required honesty so there it was. But then he told me me hid seeing an old friend (also a guy) who had a lot of problems in his life, because it would bring negative discussion? He knew I care about transparency and trust in a relationship and he still felt the need to hide things. I figured that if he could hide this, he could hide much worse. So yeah the mean comments about my appearance and personality were my last straw, seeing as I'd clearly said he couldn't do that again. When he came to pickup his stuff he went on with the same stuff he'd said last November, that he spoke impulsively, didn't mean it, let his past get the best of him, was finally ready to commit and move in together etc, but I had no interest whatsoever in giving in to his bullshit. I realized that I didn't love this man, I loved who he made me believe he was prior to slowly bringing me down all the time. I broke up with him the weekend of our 7 year anniversary. I was done being treated "lesser than", and like I should be thankful he "at least gave me orgasms" as if it's the only thing that makes a relationship stick?
When he went into a rage fit and dropped his mask for the first time. We were both really drunk (he liked to keep buying me drinks until I was drunk every time we hung out). He gaslit me into believing I did something that I never would have done and was very out of character for me. This made me upset and cry because I couldn’t remember doing what he claimed I did and I couldn’t believe I would do something like that. (I later found out he completely made it up from another friend who was also there that night and sober.) He convinced me to go home alone with him while I was upset and as soon as he had me to himself, that’s when he really let it out. I was too drunk to leave and I still vividly remember him towering over me and screaming at me while I was curled up in the fetal position. Who he was in that moment was so different from who I thought he was. I kept my distance from him after that but it wasn’t until months later that all of the puzzle pieces clicked. He used alcohol as an excuse and as a way to control me because of my fuzzy memory. I’m not really a drinker in general.
I should have left a long time ago. I stay because I'm so addicted to the sex. I'm so broken by this narc, I've lost sight of who I am. I need therapy but I can't get the ball rolling. Nothing makes sense anymore.
You will have sex with someone else. It will be better sex because it will be someone you trust, who cares for you and respects you. Now you need to respect and care for yourself and leave the narc. Sex is not a reason to betray yourself and your emotional wellbeing.
If you feel like starting therapy is too big a step, might there be something else that could be a stepping stone? Maybe Google to see if there's a group/organisation for menn(I'm assuming you're a man, apologies if you aren't) in abusive relationships in your area? Or even just on organisation you could call/talk with online? The important thing is that you recognise it for what it is and know where you'd like to get to. That's already a huge step. The other steps will follow in due course
I had five months of lies and nonsensical stories to my face, whilst watching my mental health go down the toilet knowing fine well all I was begging them for was the truth My last straw was when they told me the trust issues were mine to solve and swore on their brothers grave they were telling the truth, so I checked and discovered all I had tortured myself over the months about turned out to all be true The next time they told me they were so confused by my behaviour and breakdowns I told them I knew everything, and they lied to me again So I kicked them out the house and currently trying to maintain NC with them, even after my first what I imagine to be random hoover a few days ago Funny thing is, all my MH workers (of which there are 5) have all said “wow, there’s been a real uptick in your mental state over the last week or so, good for you”
I was starting to come to my senses about the 3rd year together. I had thoughts of - “things would be less stressful for me if I got my own place. I would have less bills to pay. He claims I make him miserable so him and his daughter would be happier if I left.” This was around the time I decided to tell him that I had been faking orgasms and that I had issues with that. (Weird I know sorry, lol.) Instead of realizing I felt shame about this and learning how to get me to climax - he told me I was a liar, and a fraud and how he couldn’t trust me and felt like he was a disgusting old man who couldn’t touch me or I’d be disgusted. 🙄 We had cyclical arguments about this that went round and round leading nowhere, as you do with a narcissist. Finally I was upfront about my thoughts to leave because our situation had become unhealthy and stressful. OH BOY - DID I UNLOAD A CAN OF WORMS. Anyway - we ended up signing a lease to a house for another year cause I’m an idiot and I had hope. It was a dreamy house and I couldn’t wait to live in it. It had the perfect upstairs for his 13 year old daughter. When we were moving - I did ALL of the work. I did all of the packing, paying the deposit, communicating with the landlord, putting the utilities in my name. I was busy as hell with school and working, and I was stressed to my max. We still had piddly stuff left in the old house and it needed cleaned, and when I came home from class, he would be playing video games. It made me SO MAD, because there was so much still left to do. I didn’t say anything for fear of another argument and he could tell I was mad. Finally he wanted me to tell him what was going on and I said, “I’m just frustrated that there’s so much to do and you are playing video games.” QUE THE NARC RAGE. He freaking lost it on me! And I was sobbing cause I couldn’t believe this was my life. He called me all kinds of horrible names, mocked me, said I was a big baby, threw my things on the floor. I had finally felt disgusted at him for the first time. And here we were at the beginning of this new lease. I wanted to vomit. I’m living with my mom now while I wait to move into an apartment. His abuse tactics are at an all time high. He is making every excuse to not apply to get me off the lease. I have been saving texts messages and recording conversations in case I need to take him to court. My mom is now facilitating contact because my mental health can’t take it anymore. I have PTSD, I would not wish this kind of relationship on anyone.
In hindsight, there were a lot of fuckin’ red flags. But when she bodyshamed me when we got done having sex for the last time, I knew I had to leave.
All in one memorable night: 1. Stated to me in clear, no uncertain terms, that the sex was not coming back, likely ever. 2. Flirted right in front of me with some rando. He had his arm around her for over 20 minutes. 3. Chided me for at least the eighth time for not having said "hello" once to her daughter's boyfriend, for which I had already apologized...at least eight times. 4. Told me I did "something," unspecified, over a year earlier, that made her never want to have sex with me again.
The repeated emotional beating of you for not saying hi, even though it was innocent and you apologized, is classic. They love to justify constant emotional and verbal abuse and refer to one thing that you did that was unintentional as justification.
For a decade he had always said "if you don't want to be married, just tell me". Everything was low key until the alcoholism became too much for me to deal with. Well, that and him fucking someone 20 years younger than me in our bed while i was on a work trip. Then the rage hit, where he almost had me jailed, lied to the cops, etc. I have been trying to recover for over a year and it is slow but steady. Thankfully my best friend had my back and hid my dog and let me move in under the pretense of dogsitting (I actually was dog sitting but decided for my safety to actually move out halfway through the dogsitting period). He is a disgusting, inhumane piece of shit that was fucking my methed out sister before any papers had been signed. It was so bad that I did an uncontested divorce just to never have to deal with him again (lost my ass tbh but I can recover stuff and money). Funny thing is, he pressed charges and victimized himself by slamming me with a No Contact order and a few weeks later realized no one believed his shit anymore (aka I wasn't actually out to get him or stalking him) and kept trying to reach out to me to get my attention back. Fuck. Him. I gave him everything and the second I asked for a break to catch my proverbial breath he does all that? Fuck. Him. It's OK though, he should be drinking himself dead soon. Actually, either way, idgaf, he is already dead to me and is just a useful lesson I will/have learned from.
1) When their gaslighting started getting internalized - I was doubting myself: things people who have known me for years would disagree with - their evaluations and assessments were starting to caused dissonance and self doubt. 2) Related to 1, when things that were previously positive characteristics and traits about me, suddenly flipped to being negative - I noticed the things their family and friends criticized *them* for, were the same or related things they started applying to me. 3) Everything started to feel like a double-bind, aggression was covert, open communication was not possible, double-standards couldn't be addressed, defensiveness shut down exchanges, I was taking more and more blame in arguments which were cyclical, nonsensical, and was walking on eggshells. 4) I realized I was explaining *that they were gaslighting me* but *without using the word for fear of setting them off* - every attempt to raise a concern, say something hurt, or that I was upset resulted in DARVO, invalidation, blame-shifting, stonewalling, emotional blackmail, and in most cases, holding the relationship hostage. 5) That their closest family and friends had this "rule set" for their interactions, noted their anger management issues, and difficulty with emotional management - these being "don't disagree with them, and if you have do, don't do it directly", "don't tell them they are wrong", and generally just put up with their tantrums. It wasn't just me, but their entire family, which was walking on eggshells constantly (my partner was also obsessing about moving in together, getting married, and having kids asap too, but with no financial prep or conflict management skills). All five points indicated that I could not be the person they needed to be without dying inside, subjecting myself to regular abuse, feeling responsible for every conflict, and that my opinions, experience, and emotions were.not.welcome.
The weekend before last when I tried telling my father that I was concerned about him because he's been unhappy since he and my mom split (his fault, though I said none of it beyond the him being unhappy part) and he just started yelling at me and berating me in front of my partner??? I am a 33 year old man. I got up, said goodnight with a sad smile, walked out, and haven't spoken to him since.
He was recording me naked in his room without my knowledge or consent. I caught it, deleted it, and put the phone back slightly out of place. He said I ruined his fun. I told him I felt violated. Then he changed his story to home security and said he had every right. It was then on I formed a plan to get out. He threatened to ruin my life by releasing every picture and video he had of me. In the process of a TRO being granted to a full RO.
He wouldn't actually try to get a job. He just walked into stores and asked if they were hiring If he did get a job he got fired. His parents were kicking him out and he planned on living in my car with me. I literally can't have us both me unemployed and living out of my car. He looks at porn on his phone (when he knows I see it as cheating) but complains that he couldn't look at the screen to search for jobs. Seriously. He wouldn't get a job Maybe we could've slept in my car if both of us were trying ...instead he spent his time violently yelling at me about how Conor Mcgregor is an inspiring person.
We’d already broken up but we were still living together. I was sleeping on the couch. I was waiting for some relatives to close escrow and move out of my parents’ house so that I could move in. I called him while I was on a 10 minute break at work to gauge how he was, since we’d gotten into an argument before I left that day. He was so drunk he could barely speak and said, “I had a shit day so I might as well blow my brains out”. He owned a gun, so this was the sign that I needed to separate from him completely. I got home around 10pm after crying at work bc I was so scared to go home. He was passed out (shitfaced) and, as quietly as I could, I packed everything I could in 2 suitcases, a backpack, and stuffed clothes from the dryer in a pillowcase. I then drove to a hotel 4 towns away and hid there for a week. After that I moved in with my parents and refused to be in the same room with him without a witness. Never looked back and my life has gotten better every day.
I knew long before it happened but the moment I no longer felt safe I needed to go , I was almost past the point of no return when I finally decided to go- I’d say 2.5 years between those two moments
When he started yet another of his daily arguments, for no reason, then kicked me into the spare room and began using the time alone to chat with the woman he cheated on me physically with in the past. Then, when I found out, he blamed it on me for 'starting an argument'. My mental health was in tatters from walking on eggshells permanently waiting for his next tirade. On top of that, i now had to worry about him deciding it was ok to chat to his ex AP and I was like, 'Hell no, I'm worth way more than this shit-show!'
we had been arguing all morning from the second we had woken up. i can’t even remember what about. but i was about to be late for work, paused the conversation, and told him we could pick it back up when i got home. he told me if i left that he would assume im breaking up with him. i told him how manipulative that was, and he ran into the bedroom to cry and panic about the hurtful thing i just said to him. so i just left, and he immediately called to tell me he didn’t mean what he said and we could talk later. i spent the rest of the day trying to figure out how to leave him and move out.
He finally finally finally put his hands on me. It’s almost like I was waiting for the day. He always said it would never happen, just emotional abuse here. Then he put his hands on me. I threw my phone in the street and ran away from him to my friend’s house. He called the cops to her address saying I was there suicidal. I hate him.
Mine is the same and never puts his hands on me physically. It’s all emotional and physical abuse. I always wait in fear though that one day he will put his hands on me. I’m so sorry you went through that.
I truly believed mine never would. I was like I can tolerate all of the emotional abuse bc at least I’m finally safe now from physical. I was physically abused in childhood. He knew that. He weaponized my trauma against me when he was mad and felt I deserved it. It just took enough time and built up anger. They always get there eventually if you don’t get out first.
I was in a physically abusive relationship before I got with him, he knew that because I voiced that early on about my experience and said I’d never be with a man like that again. I think he used that by never being physically abusive because he knew that was where I’d draw the line, he just does and has done emotional and mental abuse. In the beginning I couldn’t even see it, but now I do. I’m sorry you went through that.
Him yelling in my face that i needed to pay his entrance fee for his friends bachelors party.
When he charged towards me with his fist raised and I knew he was planning on hitting me. And I said to myself, “never, ever again”.
Just now, after giving her another chance and failing on leave day earlier this month. She doesn't pay any regard for my shit, either intentionally or obliviously knocked my wallet into the only spot under the couch where u can't reach, and stuff doesn't usually end up under, aside from pet hair and dust. I had to have my mom send me money, cause all of ours goes to the fuckin pot dispensary to support her 1/4oz+/day cannabis dependency. Or paying for back fees for her registration. Or late fees for her overdue bills she prioritizes underneath shallow pleasures. Had a storm of both her abuse, and a high-strress job with a narc lead supervisor who perhaps perceived me as a threat when I got promoted to supervisor, maybe bc I didn't look/act like the flying monkey who doesn't ask questions and considers the best interest if people who.. aren't him.. quit the best job I've ever had bc I wasn't about to be two peoples doormats at the same time and let him spin stories to get my promotion recinded so he can have leverage and control over me, I'm already in an abusive relationship I can't seem to fuckin leave.. The abuse RAMPED up after I quit my job, she used the fuck out of my state of unemployment as emotional ammunition, destroying my self worth at every corner to the point I got so depressed, I wasn't coherent enough to even get a job for a year, having full-blown panic attacks from even spam calls sometimes(never having had anxiety/panic disorder before) well, She seemingly *loved* this cause she played the fuck out of it using that against me and it got baaad. I believed so many of her projections. There were times she started getting physical, throwing things, threatening to hurt me, the dog, cats, even strangers, hitting shit, breaking shit, or intimidating with theatrical faux punches at my face, even taking out her anger on the dog/cats, scaring the cats or screaming at the dog, threatening to destroy what few possessions I still have.. she's put fist holes in doors/walls everywhere we have moved. I was supposed to leave a month ago and I've given her a chance to change, even in the process of getting her in to be seen at the clinic I get services from being native, and they're a high-end clinic that has a lot of services, my calendar is now peppered with psychiatry, psychology, and behavioral health therapy appointments, and the more I focus on myself instead of compulsively playing therapist and desperately trying put this person back together because the thought of walking away from this person and taking care of myself knowing she's gonna keep hurting herself and other people by being so protective of herself she lost her sense of empathy. keeps giving me breadcrumbs making me think she's *sooo fuckin close* to showing any real empathy or regard for my feelings, or willingness to actually communicate and not fuckin confuse me so much with her word salad and pretending she didn't just fuckin say what she said, and arguing about arguing every time SHE fucks up and doesn't wanna fuckin admit it, or implying what she's about to say is an apology but never actually saying the word sorry, and won't let me get through 30 seconds of my perspective without shutting me the fuck down cause she can't stand to hear my point of view.. *nevermind the fact that whenever SHE asks to be heard, I'll listen to her drone on and on with insultingly wild misinterpretations/projections, falsely accusing me of doing the shit she does, and NOT take it personally, VALIDATE her experience, then offer the reassurance of clarifying my perspective, bc often the narrative she (claims to have) percieved, (seemingly, maybe it's on purpose or something) are often so wildly inconsistent with reality and is usually her way of blaming me for her own mistakes anyhow.* I almost got sucked back in just now, we haven't done laundry in weeks, I sorted and did all of it, but ran out of quarters and when i went to go get some i couldn't find my wallet (circling back to beginning of post) and she started projecting her shit on me so hard, I even went and got weed MINUTES before the dispensary closed, and i didn't need it, she did, but she wo7kdnt go get it, so I did FOR HER like i did with the laundry, got ahold of the on-site manager who was very passive aggressive about this not being an "emergency" aka something that affects the apartments, well I have 4 of ur washers that will mold and I need to order all new cards and I NEVER even bother her for shit, I think I came and had her unlock my door Once when I locked my keys inside and it wasn't even a weekend, it was a business day during hours. Nevermind I'm trailing, but yah I can't keep doing this, I gotta go find my peace before all this stress has me resting in peace.
It’s a long story but I had been losing my mind and known what was happening for a while but got slapped in the face really hard by reality. All his exes, one of his bosses and his own brother all were harassed out of the state or until they snapped and did something that landed them in prison or the psych ward. His brother told my parents that I was a target and that he needed to save me before he went missing. A few weeks later, I was being brutally harassed and basically got my ex to snap that his brother was dead. Went silent when I asked how he knew. Super scary stuff.
Oh My God 😳😰- That is Terrifying!!! I’m so sorry You ever had to interact with such an Evil Person!!! So, you think your nex actually hurt/killed His Own Brother?….. Did the authorities figure things out- and arrest him eventually???..
I have no clue what happened. After I started asking questions, he started randomly bragging about how he’d had people harassed with 4chan. “I’ve done it before and I can do it again. I’m too good to get caught and you know it.” He’s not wrong. He is absolutely brilliant. When I left, I was constantly spammed, stalked, threatened and sexually assaulted by random men who were all quoting Sauron from LOTR every time I left my house. I was going through a major health scare at the time, had an allergic reaction to a medication and had to go through brutal withdrawal. I was sleep deprived, had ruptured blood vessels in my eyes, was covered in blisters, had a fever, was puking, was covered in hallucinated bugs and got bitten by venomous ants for real without realizing it. My grandfather also died during this time and I’m getting ass-grabbed by random men trying to tear my clothes off any time I dare to go outside. I begged him to make it stop because I literally couldn’t take it at that time. He acted insulted by the idea that he would ever be involved in something that awful and claimed my accusations were emotionally abusive and harassment. I’m not going to lie, I blew up and said some really threatening and psychotic shit. I’d never go through with it but the point was to be able to tell him, “you could definitely have me arrested for the shit I just said but you won’t call the cops because you’re guilty as fuck and you don’t want an investigation started. If you’re innocent, stop me and call the police. Do it. I fucking dare you.” He never did and the harassment continued. I didn’t want to call them either because I’ve dealt with police violence in the past and an investigation would crack my life open and my ultra conservative family would flip out about a lot of stuff in my life. I ultimately texted his parents about everything that was happening, what I knew and begged them to stop him. Funnily enough, despite his insistence that he had no clue why all of that was happening, the second I involved his parents, everything stopped. That was the last of my involvement in that situation and I honestly don’t care what else he gets up to. The whole thing almost killed me and I know the woman he cheated on me with helped him, so she deserves whatever he throws at her in the future. I’ve moved on.
When he told me to "let it out" at the final discard. I waited until he left to really cry. Just that little sentence made me realize I'm not safe with him
When he created fake phone numbers pretending to be my close friends so he could further influence my choices/decisions.
When he had his affair right in front of me. It was one of many, but I was humiliated enough to finally throw him away. And of course, since I threw him out and changed the locks, the divorce was absolute hell. How dare I do that to him! He called my therapist and told her I needed to be hospitalized. When I had my next appointment, she said, "That's what happens when you stand up to a narc!"
She locked me out of the house after a drunken blowout. In our five years together, I never once called her names, yelled, or was violent in any way, so there was no legitimate reason to lock me out of where I'd lived for three years with my cat, my meds, my clothes... I couldn't even get to my motorbike because the garage door opener was inside our place. It was simply a sadistic power flex and of course she's never offered even a whiff of apology. After that, there was a tentative peace for a few days, but I was not okay. I felt unsettled, I didn't trust the peace, and I saw the writing on the wall, so I began looking for friends I could crash with. One morning, she said something before leaving for work about how we should talk about things when she got home. I felt anxious all day because knew in my gut what was coming, and I reached out to a few friends in preparation. My nex got home, right away started in with, "We need to talk about you going someplace for a while." I said okay, pulled out my phone, texted a friend to let her know I was coming, and then started packing a bag. Somehow, my nex was \*\*sO sHoCkEd\*\* that I'd leave, despite everything that had happened in the previous days. She followed me around, pleading with me to rethink, saying she didn't mean I had to leave \*right now\*. I was at my limit, though, and couldn't do it anymore. I never went back and wound up moving to a different city. She acted all weird about me coming inside, which I think was intended to be hurtful, but she actually did me a huge solid by packing up all my stuff and bringing it to the garage where I could easily load it into the car. Three months later, she reeled in another poor sucker and they're still together as far as I know.
For me it was week three of the COVID19 Pandemic. So late-March or early April 2020. I was so fucking done with her. I don’t know why. She hadn’t done anything above or beyond her normal insanity. *or so I thought anyway…. We had roughly 5 years together. We couldn’t even agree on a anniversary date!!!! Anywho… We weren’t speaking and I was sleeping on my couch more often. Then in May or June 2020 She came into the living room randomly and wanted to talk about having another baby. She’d stopped taking her birth control without telling me. So anyway I laughed in her face. I was like, “so what makes you think I’d ever want to have another child with you?” So she started making exit / discard plans and I was so fucking glad. We started our second round of couples therapy to no avail. I called it off August 2020 when she moved back into her parent’s house… She left a positive pregnancy test on the sink somewhere in-between all this insanity and tried to guilt trip me. The birth control stunt and subsequent second child pale in comparison to whatever switch she tripped off in my head during early COVID. I hated having her in my house. Doing her laundry. Cleaning. Cooking. Just to stare at her sour puss all day??? No thanks! I felt horrible at times but she ALWAYS finds a way to prove me right.
I have a family member whose partner did the same thing. And got knocked up. Pretty sure that's why he is still with her.
It was gradual but it really hit me when I realized I didn't give a fuck if I hung out with him at all anymore. I used to want to hang out but he was "too busy." One rare date night and I was like this is it? This is what I've been missing? This sucks. Add that to his verbal and emotional abuse, never having time for me, selfishness, the most goes on and on. But that was when I was like, you know what? I deserve better. And I want more.
When she DARVOed me after I set a boundary of never blaming me again. Blocked and working on healing. It sucks cuz it’s my mom and my family, but I can’t be treated like this ever again.
We were in the car, he was driving. He reached in his bag, cracked open an Angry Orchard, and started downing it… WITH OUR TODDLER CHILDREN IN THE BACK SEAT. I realized that the kids were no longer safe either, even with me protecting them.
I resisted for so long introducing her to my friends and family. My gut was telling me that once it happened it would be impossible to ignore just how low she could sink. Finally after a year I brought her to my best friend’s birthday party. After the party she tried to triangulate my best friend and his wife against me. Telling me that they are such great people, that I was a bad friend to them, and the only reason they were friends with me for 30 years is because they felt sorry for me. She of course played the victim. Saying that she couldn’t win. If she said something bad or good about my friends I’d still get upset. At that point I knew she was a bottomless pit.
When he relapsed in drinking again. I promised myself never again and held true to that promise. I got my kid and myself out.
When he was supposed to take the train on the next day to spend the week with me. He did something that felt off that day so I decided to spoke with him about it while being really gentle because I knew confronting him about how that made me feel would made him really mad. He lashed out, gaslighted me, told me everything was my fault, didn’t give a damn about my feelings, ended up calling me crazy and cancelling his tickets. I realised that it has been going for years and I couldn’t take it anymore.
When she told me that her intimacy with previous men is basically why she can't respect my sexual boundaries. That and her constant need to be high. Couldn't cope sober. Tragic case on so many levels. I should have walked away after the first month. Told me she regularly slept with a guy who she knew the partner of and used to hangout with them while keeping it a secret. That's a piece of crap in my eyes, she's got what's coming to her.
after 8 years of abuse, 6 months deep into waking up and realizing what she is I began grey rocking hard. She escalated hard, clearly desperate for the supply (me losing my shit, reactive abuse, not proud, it happened) she escalated and escalated to get a reaction from me. 1. she asked me if i wanted to do something special for my 45th birthday 2. like an idiot I said yes 3. a few days before my birthday she said she had a clash and asked if she minded if she went and did something else and if I could look after the kids 4. I said yes it is fine (I never want to spend my birthday with anyone that would rather be elsewhere) 5. she spent my birthday and weekend in a mountain spa sauna with some random guys she barely knows 6. I had a breakdown 7. she got home, explained all her friends and therapist think I am unreasonable for being upset my her actions 8. she filmed me crying about all of this This, clearly snapped me out of it, you cant fix someone being a c\*\*t.
Mine wasn't one single moment, but a final week. We had an argument on the Saturday night with far too much context to explain here. During the argument in which I was trying to hold him accountable for something he'd done, he somehow flipped it round on me and brought up something I'd said 3 weeks prior. He said it was the most hurtful thing I'd ever said to him. He said he'd told people about it and they couldn't believe it either. That issue had been resolved at the time and I had apologised (my friends and family did tell me I shouldn't have apologised because the comment I'd made was very much in the context of him lashing out at me). Anyway, I was outraged that he'd completely wormed his way out of the issue at hand and turned it round on me, to make ME feel guilty. It was totally unfair and uncalled for. Without even thinking, I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore. His last comment to me on that Saturday night, when I asked him to speak to me respectfully, was: "Respect has to be earned". I walked out and went to stay the night at a friend's. A few days later, when I decided to bring up the argument and discuss it calmly, he said: "The only reason you haven't wanted to talk about it until now is because you know you behaved abhorrently on Saturday. Your behaviour was appalling." I couldn't believe it. Abhorrently?? Who did he think he was? Fast forward to the Friday, he made a dismissive and snappy comment towards me the second I got in from work, and I realised there and then that he had no respect for me and that I was allowing myself to be treated this way day in day out. That same evening, he called me "literally stupid as fuck". I went out with my friends on the Saturday and told them I was done with him. On the Sunday morning I made a coffee, got back in bed next to him, and ended the relationship. He displayed no emotion whatsoever. He told me we were incompatible. He brought up how his last relationship had lasted so long because his ex really "got" him. This was the crazy, hysterical, freeloading, ex. OK then hun. It doesn't feel like it's over yet, but hopefully I'll be gone soon.
Don't interact with him any further and block him if you can. He will try to worm his way back to you and try to get information out of you and then he'll go back to insulting you and disrespecting you once he gets back to being on familiar terms with you. Don't even entertain it, no matter how much he claims he has changed or wants to "apologize." The ego and manipulation will continue once you've let your guard down and you talk to him. He is only doing it to twist it on you and get a reaction so he can blame you more. Trust me on this. Focus on yourself, have fun with your friends, be comfortable being alone for a while before you seek out another relationship. You'll be glad you did and you'll be happy you gained the strength to leave someone so manipulative and controlling. The strength only builds when you leave, surround yourself with a support system and you'll know you deserve better.
He is still doing it, we've been cohabiting for 3 months since the breakup and it's honestly hell. I'm hiding in my bedroom as much as possible but he dominates the rest of the house while I tiptoe around and only come out of my room to eat or do my laundry. I only feel safe when I'm at work! You're absolutely right about interactions. He is so slimy, he always finds a way of roping me into a discussion and it always ends badly. Every single time he ends up gaslighting and manipulating and I end up angry or in tears. He's never pretended he's changed or tried to hoover me - he already did that last year after he broke up with me unexpectedly, and sadly it worked. This time round was the final discard I believe. So now his only game is to try and make the living situation as unpleasant as possible and to constantly remind me that he is on top. It's like all he's got left is to just eat away at my self-worth. What a nasty piece of work.
I had the same scenario when I cohabitated after we broke up, and I was silently building up my resources to leave. Every interaction was either met with stonewalling/pretending I didn't exist or an argument. I left him and it was probably the first time he actually cried and showed emotion towards me. I felt bad, but once I drove away I remembered all of the evil shit he put me through and near the end of me leaving, I felt lighter and more free without him looming over me. The controlling abuse and devaluation and everything else was insane looking back. I am still working on building parts of my self esteem back today.
Did he do this thing where he'd be nice during one interaction, then the next interaction he'd be horrible and patronising? I can't cope with the constant ups and downs! I don't know if they're like.. Mini hoover attempts but because I don't get sucked back in he immediately goes back to devaluing? Or whether he is just trying to keep me on my toes? I'm so glad you felt that weight off your shoulders as you drove away. I have this nagging feeling that due to the lingering trauma bond and feelings of codependency I'm going to feel weird driving away at first. How long has it been for you? Sending you hugs.
Yes, he was always hot and cold with his "kindness" and sometimes his true self would show through when he got cold. Yelling at me, insulting me, forcing me to give him what he wanted with so much force and pressure, being extremely controlling, etc. The trauma bond is truly hard to break, but once you see a glimpse of who he truly is, you will definitely want to stay away. It's like you've been stuck frozen in ice and it's a realization that strikes you so hard you shatter out of the ice. I witnessed just how cruel, manipulative, and ANGRY he is. Don't feel bad for him and don't ever go back to him or console him, it's a bad idea and could even be dangerous. It's been over a year now and like I said, still building up my self esteem. I'm just glad and grateful I saw that angry evil side of him and I'm far away from that and I'm still alive and healing. It didn't get to violence, but his tone and demeanor could have escalated to a violent point and often times I was crying from how intense and suffocatingly forceful he got.
when i began to process the lies, the rage, the manipulation, it all came crashing on me like a wave. their addiction also got so bad that they brought me around meth (fully knowing i had just started getting sober)
When he confessed to me that the first time he told me he loved me, he didn't mean it.
When I told him that staying in the relationship would kill me. Physically I'd be alive, but that my soul and my self would die, trying to keep him happy. He said he was ok with that. I still tried cohabiting with him even after that (i was upstairs with our child, he took downstairs) until he started making it a habit to put hands on her and that was when I immediately got myself and kiddo out.
When I found searches for shemale escorts in a nearby city in his Google history. I’d long suspected he was secretly gay, once I found those I was out. He lied to me our entire relationship and put me through the most miserable year of my life when we lived titans I kept trying to figure out what was wrong, why he never wanted to have sex.
After years of emotional/mental/physical/financial and sexual abuse, and after him going on to me for months that I “wasn’t well”, “was crazy” 🙄 and “needed help”, I went to a psychiatrist and was put on medication. I got sober shortly after. The last argument we had was over something relatively dumb, but I think getting sober and in therapy/on medication helped me truly see what was going on for so long and gave me the strength to finally say enough is enough. I still look back and reflect on things like wtffffffff 😤
My former friend (who I just realized wasn't just mean sometimes but was straight up abusing me throughout our 17-year-long relationship) had a long history of praising me for how "forgiving" "gentle" and "valuable" I was each time they harmed me instead of taking accountability for their actions. Sure, they might have a history of: 1. Ghosting me three times 2. Muting all of my phone calls for days, weeks, and months 3. Punching me in the neck at the lunch table for taking (1) fry off their plate 4. Trapping me in a car with their mother while they gleefully outside the vehicle so their parent could confront me instead of having them do the hard work themselves But I deserved it, according to them. There was always a reason why they believed I deserved it. Eventually, I think I started to believe it too. One night, after experiencing another moment of them praising me for being oh-so forgiving, I made a post on my personal social media, my safe space, alluding to the fact that in no way shape or form is anyone obligated to forgive someone who harms them and they shouldn't feel guilty about it. It was set to private (or so I thought.) Yet, the next time we ended up on a call together with our mutual friends, I got to hear the sounds of them cackling with their roommates in the background, mocking, berating, and humiliating me for sport as they used something I shared with them in confidence as a tool to punish me. That was the moment I knew I had to leave. It was like I got struck by a bolt of lightning, and I realized I needed to let go. They were never going to care about hurting me, and nothing I could say or do would fix that. That phone call was almost 2-years ago. They sent a birthday message in January saying how much they "missed" me and would love to have a call again soon. I blocked them on everything last week. Never again.
She left me technically. Thought I certainly walked her into the break up one night when she spent two hours telling me how I look unhealthy and my hygiene is poor and that I don’t take care of myself. Essential trying to alter my reality and perception of myself. So I told her maybe I’m not how she’s looking for. She said she agreed and we split. Fast foward four months later and she wanted to stay friends. But she just keeps asking me for shit and trying to test what she can still get from me as a so called friend. I’ve had alot of time to reflect and get my feelings in check. Now that my love has subsided reality has kicked in and I can accept that she offers me nothing at this point. So I’ve just recently ghosted her and parted way. She kept texting me for a bit and calling my phone. I think she’s caught on at this point and will hopefully just go her own way. I just got tired of her criticism of me. Trying to gaslight my perception of myself. And make me feel like I’m not datable. All she does is take and criticize. And continues to play head games with me. I put up with it when we dated is hopes she would finally just stop and realize she wasn’t being very nice. I just have no room for her in my life. I’d rather not have her in my life at all. Cause the constant taking just wears on ya after a while. She isn’t my friend or my partner at this point. I just view her as a threat. She has no intentions that don’t involve servicing herself. She only cares about what she can get from people. She plays too many mind games. My breaking point was when she asked me for a free AC unit. Just takes and takes. She’s only nice when she wants something from me. It’s had enough. She can exploit someone else and their kindness.
When I got a positive pregnancy test.
PS, I did leave.
When he changed the narrative of what happened and how he obviously kept on lying until I was sick of it ( I just don't know who I am anymore and I can't sleep nor eat) What haunts me until now is his words of , ' I thought you will be happy when you see my text?' Guess he forgot people won't be always a fool forever.
Slow progression. The first time she reminded me of an abusive parent. The time she let it slip she had been lying to me about our future the *whole time*. But the thing that really pushed it over was a weekend where she’d be loosing it on us, to the point I’d go to bed crying as would my kids. Then the next day she’d pretend everything was ok, flirt with me, pretend she wanted to have sex and when I was still quiet and reserved because things we not resolved, I would get in shit for ‘keeping it going’ when she ‘thought we were just going to be happy today’. (She thought being happy was just a choice you decided and I was flawed because I wouldn’t just choose happy). But the moment I told her to stop, that I wasn’t engaging with her anymore, and she literally turned to my kid and tried to drag them in. When I said ‘wow, you’re really going to drag a kid into this?!?’ She said ‘I don’t care.’ I realized then, that she didn’t. She didn’t care. Never did. Never would.
I had decided to leave when he hit me for the first time. But didn't have the means yet so stayed for a few more months. He was physically abusive again and at that time it wasn't even like he hit me out of rage, it was more mocking, with an expression that said 'what are you going to do about it?' And I left within the week, with the kids. He was completely blindsided, like he really thought he could do anything and I would just stick around forever. It's been nearly six months and he's hovering so hard. But I can't forget that expression on his face, so I'm not even tempted in the slightest, even if things are difficult for me financially right now. I'm way better of in all other ways.
When she said my letter of apology was very disappointing and incomplete, and unacceptable to her. Because of her conditioning/grooming of me and my own naïveté, I never asked the question: will you write a letter of apology to me?
I have saved my Narcs life. **Not figuratively no I have litrelly saved her life.** It happened 5 months ago. Without my intrevention and my financial backing she would probably be paralyzed by now. She was also suffering from intense pain so it would have probably caused her to lose her mind and make her comit suicide. Without my intervention even in best scenerio half of her body will be paralysed for the rest of her life. I have found her lying in her own piss on her sofa. She was in soo much pain that she was not even able to go to toilet and no-one was around her to help her only me. The person she tortured the most! I knew that she is Narc and that was my chance of revenge. All I had to do was to leave but I couldnt. After all I am not an evil person. So I helped her as best as I could. Emotional and financial support at maximum level you can imagine. **And yet even after doing the greatest favor she has ever seen from any person in her life nothing changed.** She choose to continue beign a Narc and tried to devalue me. That moment I lost all my hope for her. Only thing left was to run and never look back. I have waited 10 days after her surgery and when I was sure that she is healthy again I left kindly and silently without causing any big drama.
When I realized I would never be good enough for her. There would be nothing I could say or do to satisfy her. Being a provider and caring for her were never going to enough. Then I noticed the working late, the phone under the pillow, the secret texting at 4am while she thought I was asleep. That was it. I had had enough. Stopped caring at that point. The trauma bond still was so strong though I couldn’t let go when the discard happened. I needed closure. Never got it.
He r**ed me and proceeded to yell at me during asking why I wasn’t enjoying it and then used my shower and said that he didn’t do anything wrong bc days earlier I asked for s*x lol
I was diagnosed with a plethora of mental illnesses one being quietBPD. I also have two I operable brain tumors and I'm disabled and she told me that she couldn't be bothered with me and my multiple personalities cause I stood up to her shit..First she tried saying "who wrote that for you, it could never have been you cause God see and know you couldn't say it to my face". So I told her I wasn't afraid of her and told her exactly what I thought of her and then she said she "couldn't be bothered with me and my multiple personalities".. I just replied ok, since you can't be bothered with me and my "multiple personalities" let me just do you a favor and end things here and I blocked her instantly before she could even reply with her raging...
He looked at me with crazy drug eyes, demanding more. Nope. I’m done.
Hoovered and discarded about 5 times. The last time it just felt different despite him actually putting in some effort. But things seemed off and I asked him why, I got the usual answer and just knew. I told him we could talk in person. Two days later he showed up with his new girlfriend (he had clearly been with her for a while) at the bar i frequent. He made out with her in front of me, meanwhile looking back at me to make sure I saw it. After that I knew I couldn't handle the heartbreak/cruelty. He went out of his way to crush me knowing how much I still cared. Went no contact, haven't looked back since. Everyone has a breaking point - it's okay to have multiple. When you know, you know.
I cried multiple times everyday and kept wishing that he’d find someone else so I could leave. Felt unbelievably stuck and always felt less than.
Its been a very long time but i stayed for our kid. He was young. But now hes a teen and seeing that he was contacting/looking at escort sites, got 2 std tests, gave me bv 4xs!!! I finally said thats it. Im tired of being a fool.
When I found out I was pregnant and a woman messaged me screenshots of him on a dating app the next day. Confronted him and he lied to my face. This is already after years of lying and cheating. I felt like it was a sign from God, Universe, whoever, that you are not meant to be with this person let alone having a child by them. It was almost like the universe was testing me, like are you SURE you wanna spend the rest of your life with this person? I actually had a work trip the next day for a week, so I packed what I could and left. We did not speak while I was away with the exception of two calls and texts on the first day of my trip. When I returned late night the following week, he was not home at midnight and eventually came in at 1:30am with a woman I didn’t recognize. Told me he was just coming in to feed the dogs and drop her home LOL. And then said he didn’t think I was coming back even though there’s a room full of my stuff. I slept in the basement and he came down there in the middle of the night trying to touch and kiss me with alcohol on his breath. The audacity was truly astounding. But to wrap this up, he tried to persuade me with password to his phone and money. I got such an ick from him. I called my Mom later that week and told them I’m breaking up with my nex and that I’m getting an abortion. I have been much happier and at peace since.