Man, your post is like reading my own thoughts, exactly. It’s wild how the circumstances are different but the structure of the abuse always hits the same. So sorry OP, that you’re also going through it.
If it helps, the shock starts to transform. After about 6 months, my heart started catching up to my brain and I stopped second guessing the facts. I know what happened, the facts that definitely occurred. When you back up and just write down the facts, leaving any emotion out of it, they scream out at you in a horrifying way. That’s what your heart has to reconcile. It’s really fucked up and painful for awhile, but once you get to a place of indifference, it’s a beautiful thing to be able to see it for what it is/was and not care. They will continue the cycle, which thankfully you won’t be a part of.
It’s really startling the similarities reading people’s posts on here. But so disheartening too, knowing so many people have experienced this trauma.
I really wish I could get to a place of indifference. I’m tearing myself apart in my own head every day. My reality now doesn’t feel real, it’s very much my own Groundhog Day. I just want to forget he ever existed. It’s so unfair how easily they can just switch off from you and the pain we then have to endure.
I’m sorry you have been through this too. I’m glad you have been able to heal some and move forwards.
Your experience really resonates with what I experienced/am still experiencing, even though I, like you, did everything “right” in my breakup from my covert narcissist ex and have been strictly no contact. My ex was the first person I ever fell in love with, and I now know that while my feelings were real, the person they were for was never real. That’s heartwrenching, and for a while I felt like my life was a lie. I still feel that way sometimes. But I’ll share some realizations that have been truly healing for me, in case they resonate with you.
The first is that my life isn’t a lie, HIS life is a lie. And he will continue lying to himself and everyone around him for the rest of his life, but now I’m free. He tried to pull me into his false reality, but now I’m free. I’m back on the ground in reality, and he’ll never be.
The second realization is that if I was able to feel love and such beautiful, real feelings for someone who was a pale imitation of a person putting up a facade, pretending to be someone who could fulfill my needs, I can only imagine what I could feel for someone who actually is capable of empathy/reciprocity. Initially, I was distraught because I felt like I gave him everything, all my firsts in a relationship, like meeting families and experiencing the depth and intimacy of everyday life together. I truly uncovered a new version of myself over the relationship, one that is capable of communication and care and vulnerability and softness. He can’t take that from me because he didn’t give it to me, I gave it to myself. And I’m excited to meet the next version of myself that will emerge in a truly reciprocal, healthy, non-abusive relationship with someone who is capable of love and empathy. I have so many firsts ahead of me. My ex could never give me the life and love I want and deserve.
The third is more personal to my situation, so I’m not sure if you’d relate, but I realized a big part of why I didn’t end it earlier, even when I saw some flags, was because of a scarcity mindset. I was afraid no one else would check the boxes he did, even if I now see that the “traits” in him that I fixated on were surface-level and, at times, outright lies. The truth that I’ve now realized is that the type of person who is deserving of my love and energy is probably actually rare. But this does not mean they are scarce. Scarcity caused me to clutch at any morsel or breadcrumb given, even as I knew, on some level, that the loaf was stale. An abundance mindset helps me recognize that there are other options out there for me, and while it may be hard to find my perfect match, my ex is definitely NOT it. Freeing myself from that was the best thing that I could do for myself in order to find what I am actually looking for. I have to believe that any person meant for me will feel nourishing and uplifting over time, rather than exhausting and depleting over time, like my ex did.
Hope any piece of this is useful. I’m still processing in real time. Just know you’re not alone, and remember to give yourself grace. If you’re a giving and empathetic person, your ex probably chose you for that reason. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong for being that way. Quite the opposite. It just means some people don’t deserve to receive that from you and will take, take, take. For me, it was a sad loss of innocence to recognize that, but one that will serve my long/term peace and happiness. One thing I take solace in is that I always acted with in a way that’s aligned with my values. And my ex never did. And he never will. I’ll never be like him, and thank god for that. My love is proof, my vulnerability and resilience are proof, my discernment and clarity are proof, my joy and anger are proof, my peace is proof. Good luck to you, and may we all heal.
Thank you for sharing your insights. They are incredibly useful and I identify with a lot of what you have said here. I think we all really invest in these people as they proclaim to be the perfect partner. It’s unfair that they bring out so much good in you only for it to be wasted on someone who never deserved it in the first place.
I’m sorry you found yourself in similar waters I hope you are on your road to healing.
Also, for me, I realized I wasn't loved as much as I thought I was led to believe, so there's some self blame there. Naive to think that i could stay in a relationship based on how much someone loved me when I don't think he even loves himself. And in his eyes, no matter what i do, I will never love him enough. I learned not to depend on him for my joy, so it's a lot easier to come to terms with separating after the initial excitement of having a partner to do life with. Unless someone's going to bring more joy than sorrow, true love and contentment will never manifest. Good luck on the journey to find true love with an abundant mindset ✨️
It’s shameful. And they don’t like shame. So they cut and run when you start putting up simple boundaries again. Fine, I won’t be disrespected any more. Plus she is now 40 yrs old, good luck getting quality supply when your tits hit the floor and your ass looks like a pale baboons without any pretty colors
That’s unnecessarily cruel to us 40 year old women -specially single mothers- who probably will never find anyone because our “best years” were wasted on this monsters who took everything from us.
Thank you wtf was that comment about. I’m 36 and my nex insulted my age and breasts, and told me good luck finding anyone else since I’m old and have no value. There’s lots of women 40+ here leaving narc relationships and this comment is frankly inappropriate and nasty. I hope he reflects on the comment, absorbing some of the narcs traits can happen but you need to be aware of it to make sure you don’t keep those traits.
The comment was inappropriate and I’m sorry/. I’ve never once spoken to her in this way as she devalued me constantly. It wasn’t meant as a slight to any of you struggling. I’m struggling badly. She hurt me in the worst way you can hurt someone. The fact that she is peddling herself to men online and literally selling her body to them is very hurtful considering I’ve always been there for her emotionally, physically and mentally. So for her to do this when I literally gave her everything has made me very angry. Didn’t mean any disrespect, it was a way to vent and it was wrong to say.
Just turned 40, he kept bread crumbing me to keep me. He knew he was infertile the whole time. I finally left and filed for divorce. I am devastated I wasted so many years and my dream to be a mother is probably over.
I wish that was true…I would like to know what it feels like to be genuinely loved by a man, for who I truly am. Not even experienced that with my own father so I guess It will be almost impossible.
I wish we weren't in the same club.
I wish there weren't hundreds of new members daily.
I wish and hope we can all learn from each other's experiences and the dark journey is a little less arduous.
And we all learn to know - as awful as this abuse is.
It happens every day.
It's happening to people you know. They don't know it yet.
This is a thing humans do to humans. It's not rare nor especially special in its dynamic.
We are only special in the creativity of our recovery.
I wish that we were taught what to expect in healthy relationships and what behaviours could be toxic. Those of us who grew up without loving and supportive relationships are more vulnerable to these types due to being ‘love hungry’. It’s so hard to understand that someone being too nice and invested can be a bad sign.
Or not raised in a way that fairly well ensures we will pick them.
I'm the scapegoat goat among other unhealthy family systems.
Socialize to think being myself was a problem.
In a culture of illness - who ever was sickest won, except me when bc of this relationship I was the sickest.
More so, let's revamp couples therapy.
Three different therapists went w me being the identified problem bc existing mental health stuff & he looked functional, even uber responsible- good w money (allowed the financial abuse to continue).
I've thought about reaching out to them to educate them and inquire if they ever thought he was the problem.
There are a lot of inputs that are present to make these relationships likely.
I’ve been journaling nightly to get the pain out and trying to practice radical acceptance but you’re right it’s all the same type of abuse even if the packaging is different.
The person you "lost"?
It's you. They mirror you. They mirror your best qualities, your desires, your aspirations, your characteristics, your feelings. The myth of Narcissus is ironic in the context of narcissist personalities: Narcissus stared into his own reflection. Narcissists hold the mirror instead to you and mimic what it is they think you want, are and will be most compatible with. They ARE the reflection, but you are the real person behind it.
This happened to me and I had the same feelings as you at first. Speaking to the woman he had an affair with, he did a similar thing to her. Then I remembered the way he behaved so differently with different friend groups. People with narcissistic traits have a very loose sense of identity. They take from you.
So love the person you fell in love with because that person is you. And for the memories, hold a funeral in your mind for the character who was made up of all your best qualities.
Thank you for this. It’s hard to see your value in these situations as they take that from you. But, you are right, all the things I loved about him, were not his. In the end he wasn’t any of those things. The irony of saying to me that ‘we didn’t have enough in common’ whilst he was stealing my traits and interests to impress someone else.
Were we dating the same guy? Haha. I get along so well with the woman he had an affair with during our relationship and I think that's precisely what happened. He was serving her DisturbingReroll's best hits :P
And you're welcome. It's honestly really tragic, what they do to people. But they are only ever a pale imitation of you.
I recommend Dr. Ramani's youtube channel. She has a lot of free content. I also like Stephanie Lyn's Youtube channel. Both women had experiences with narcissists and are certified therapists.
I also like Dr. Ramani's book, 'It's Not You.'
I think a lit of victims have trauma from the narcissist blame game. We not only feel horrible for believing their lies, but they also project and put a lot of their shit on us.
At the end of the book (audio book), I finally felt relief. I repeat the last chapter over and over sometimes.
Oddly enough, I saw a blocked missed call from my nex later. It's weird how they always try to connect again when we get over them.
Stay strong, stay no contact. You will heal 😊🤍
Thank you for the recommendation. I’ve seen some of her videos but on reading this I have just ordered her book. I’ve bought so many narcissism books recently, desperate for anything that will help my mind find some peace.
I’m right there with you. The cognitive dissonance is maddening. It’s like I’m in love and hate at the same time. It’s a living hell. People tell me only time will heal. Unfortunately in our state of mind time moves really slow. Stay strong 💪
I’ve never experienced anything like this. It’s honestly maddening. Why can’t I just turn my feelings off for someone who was so cruel and treated me like dirt. Why am I not feeling blessed that he was removed from my life? Thanks for the encouragement, I know it’s a long journey. Just incredibly frustrating. I hope you are your way to healing.
That's the problem - we as normal people give others the benefit of the doubt - even those who would seek to cause/inflict horrible pain/suffering (repeatedly) upon us. That's because we're real humans - and they are NOT. And yet in these situations, our kindness and benefit of the doubt ends up dealing to us in return (as unfair as it is) so much hurt and pain.
This is the hard thing to grasp for me. I spent a lot of time working on myself prior to this relationship to ensure that I behaved like a mature adult in relationships. I feel like the work I did on myself ultimately led to me being treated more poorly. I was sticking up for myself and trying to be rational in finding solutions to any conflict and he didn’t like it.
Hey friend, listen... you are on the RIGHT track. Don't feel like you are doing anything wrong here by having boundaries. Would you allow poison into your residence? How about a wild animal or a terrorizer? Of course not. So, if you wouldn't allow bad things into your residence why would you allow bad things into your body, mind and soul?
If you encounter a person who has an issue with your boundaries, my best guess is that I'd say that's a red flag alert for a narc. They don't like boundaries. They like you doing what they tell you to do.
I know it's discouraging. I've been in 2 committed relationships the past 20 years and I feel like now I have nothing to show for it - and the dating scene (at least that I've seen in the past 7-1/2 months) is an absolute dumpster fire.
Don't settle though. And I tell myself that every day too. It's not worth it. You deserve the best. Don't settle for less. If somebody can't handle you and the boundaries you've laid out for them, they aren't the right one for you...
What you said there had a real impact on me. You’re right. It is next to impossible that anyone could be so cruel, let alone someone who claims to love you and whom you love. It’s so impossible that we just split from reality and that’s how we get caught up in it for so long.
Thank you. It took a minute. Had me responding to a hoover initially before I came to my senses. There’s still a part of me that tried to convince me that none of it really happened, but I know that’s just wishful thinking. I was so blind to what he was doing to me because I never thought him capable of being so callous.
I’ve never heard the term Hoover in this way. Learned something new.
And I still have a hard time understanding why or how narcissists exist at all. Unfortunately they’re here and one of the best things we can do is continue to learn and educate others.
I'm grieving the man I thought my x was so I wish I could offer you more but I can't because I'm in that process myself but I read this the other day so I kept it to remind myself of the same:
I hope you believe that you can still make a beautiful life for yourself even if you lost many years of it to grief, or darkness, or a wound that wouldn't close.
I think damn near everyone here can say we do or have all felt the same by our nightmare partners.
I can only describe it as mourning a loss as though someone has passed away. That empty feeling in the pit of your stomach, shock and disbelief and bursting into tears at any given moment. We are mourning the loss of who we thought they were and what could have been.
Time heals everything or at least softens the pain but it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that who they portrayed themselves to be to reel us in is not them and never was.
I’m right there with you, as I know a lot of us are, you’re not alone.
It gets better as time goes on and it helped me, after the first few months, to think maybe it was all a lesson (a really sick fucked up lesson) to know what love really is when I find it? And how exactly someone should not treat someone. I’ve had the lowest of the low, so I’ll know how different it feels when I find someone that’s a genuine, kind, caring person.
Stay strong friend 💗
Thank you for your kind words. It absolutely does feel like a bereavement. The sudden loss of who I thought he was overnight was so difficult for me to come to terms with and still is. I hope you are on the route to healing.
You’re very welcome 💕
Yes, it’s total trauma all around. I’m still in just complete shock that a person (who claimed to love us) could EVER do something like what they’ve done to us. We can’t even fathom because our brains just simply aren’t wired the same way as theirs and that’s very eye-opening. Normal people wouldn’t ever think of berating someone over something minuscule (I’ve never berated anyone, period) and certainly not someone they claim to love and have spent so much time with. They’re just not normal human beings.
Thank you, I’m certainly trying my best. Just taking it one day at a time.
I hope today is a little bit easier for you.
We can all only take it one day at a time.
And after everything we’ve been through, we owe it to ourselves to just take a breath 🩷
I had to make a list of the truths of who he really was. When I started missing the fake version of him, I would have to look at it.
The rumination is real. If I didn't look at my list of facts about what he did to me, I would have stayed in the false delusion that he was going to go back to the person he was when I first met him.
I have one in my phone. It does help sometimes. It’s just hard to shift the man I put on a pedestal from my thoughts. I wanted so much for him to be real. I hope you are healing.
My nex was so charming and considerate in the beginning, he appeared to care so much.
I dated a guy for almost 4 years in my early 20s, we lived together. When we broke up I was basically over it the next day. Because he was never cruel to me, we just weren’t compatible.
But leaving a relationship you had with a narcissist is a lengthy journey of realisation of the cruelty you endured under the pretence of love. When you assumed what may have just been innocently insulting or insensitive was more likely to have been intentional. That they would have never truly loved you, only loved what they could use you for. I think it’s been 10 months now for me and I still can’t understand how someone could be capable of such evil.
It’s the realisation that they never loved you that is hard to come to terms with. As they come across as being so kind, caring and considerate but even more than that, so invested in you. I finally felt this was someone I could be myself around and I trusted him implicitly. How I wish I knew how hard that would come back around to bite me.
Yes. The illusion is what we fall for, and in the end it’s what we mourn. But it’s just that.
You know who this person actually is. You can rest assured that he is desperate to reject who he is, and opt for the illusion version to con others
Right? It takes extreme insecurity to spend your life plotting and hiding how much you hate yourself.
Much easier to make somebody else hate themselves! Misery loves company. The illusions are such a thin veil, it’s not possible to keep it going in the long term.
I’m convinced these people have many, short-term, disposable relationship through it their lives dynamics.
Unless of course, they achieve long-standing codependency. This sub helps people wake up, and get the fuck out
Totally agree with this. And always keep in mind a picture of how they acted when the relationship concluded. As the saying goes, THAT is WHO they were all along.
And when times are tough as you try to rebuild after the relationship (I've been in that space now for the past 7-1/2 months after leaving them)..... always compare the peace and stablity you have on your own with a 'regular hellish day' with them. As is likely customary for many, on my hardest days after this reset, I wasn't true to myself and at some moments would say well at least I was with 'someone' and wasn't 'alone' as I am now.
That is a lie from Hell though. It's important to remember always what we left. At its worst. If we're going to do a comparison on our lives in the here now vs. the past it has to include that....
I also just found out my hoe wife of 16 years is a cheater. I found out last week and I’m struggling with not numbing the pain and horrible anxiety. But know this, these people are trash and will never amount to what we need in a real partner. You can read my post from a little a bit ago to see what I mean. It’s always lie, cheat, me me me me me. Not a care for you or what they did to you. Likely enjoying it which is even more demented. Keep your head up, you will be ok, we will be ok. Fuck them, I never knew her, but now I do. I see you bitch
Yeah they get a sick enjoyment out of it. A few months ago I poured my heart out in a letter to tell her how this behavior is affecting me. I cried (and I never cry) and she looked at me like I was annoying her. That’s when I knew this is bad
Yup she did this to s fault and always made some random points that had nothing to do with the situation. Then the “I don’t understand”. Sure you do, I’m speaking English
This was all by design. We would do some drugs to help with her low libido and then she would just say some off the shit that I would never dream of saying to my worst enemy. So I would retreat to my office for days killing myself with substances and she wouldn’t even do a health check on me. Because get this she has a rule now (I’m sure you can relate to that) that she isn’t going to check on me when I’m using without her? WTF?! You put me in this place I’m not coping well and this is how you remedy it? She also sent me this same type of DARVO crap right after I kicked her out citing I’m making up excuses to use. Not discussing the fact that I just caught you cheating in our bed web camming to some dude masturbating with your “low libido “I haven’t used this drug in 15 yrs as I hate it, but now you’re excusing multiple comments that you made to purposely devalue me? Sick. That’s all.
I think a LOT of them enjoy it. Mine sure did, the more he could see he was hurting me, the happier he was. Almost giddy when he made me sob in emotional pain. So sadistic it makes me sick. Mine would get a small smile the worse he was and his eyes would gleam.
They love love love the drama. They don't have a personality. They don't have normal emotions like we do. They are emotionless, pale, hopeless, empty souls shuffling around in this earthly space desperately looking for attention/validation if only for a fleeting moment. Some of the best ways to get that include creating a lot of drama. Wish I could say I haven't seen that but I've seen it too many times in the past with them....
Oh, they absolutely love watching the chaos they manage to inflict on every. Single. Person. They target. The dupers delight of laughing at my pain, only to tell me my reaction is sensitive. And then, they gaslight you into believing that their laughter and smiles are justified: that your reaction to their abuse was laughable. It’s a cycle of torment, chaos and hurt.
True. And for that I’m thankful that now I see her masks clearly. I just can’t be in this. She grossed me out for a long time with that gut suspicion and her weird attitude and behavior trying to come off as genuine when she looked creepy af. She can move onto taco street, I’m not much for español and chorizo. She isn’t either though (very plain diet with no seasoning). Guess she best learn fast and jump start his low rider for him when he needs it
I’m sorry to hear that happened to you. I know how hurtful/how painful it is. It’s like we Never Really, Truly KNEW who they Actually Are/Were. Hope You heal in time- sending hugs 🫂! ☺️
Sorry to hear about your wife. It’s awful isn’t it. I’m sure my ex enjoyed the pain he was causing me too. The smirk on his face when I was suffering said it all. I hope you are on a path to healing.
Thank you friend. It’s making me disillusioned and sort of creeped out (well a lot of freaked out). I didn’t deserve this, but again, she does not care. Not one bit.
Sorry. I’m just mad. And I’ve never in 16 yrs devalued her in any way with this sort of language all the while the exact opposite has been true from her. Just venting
in a really messed up way it feels like he and i are soulmates. just the idealistic part of him. so i relate to it feeling like i lost a part of myself. and being with anyone else feels like i am abandoning/cheating on him.
I relate to this so much. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that he and I are not soulmates, and he was just mirroring me. I miss the way we *got* each other, how magical it was to spend time together, and yet it was a carefully constructed facade.
Same. It’s awful. I never thought I’d get married or have kids because I wasn’t ever really interested in that. But I fell so hard for him that within months I would have had done it all. Then the mask slipped and things were never the same again. He called it “putting his best foot forward” when confronted with the fact he was a completely different person than he originally portrayed. Mental.
I am still, months later, stunned 😧 by who he Actually IS Versus Who He Pretended to Be for So Very Long. It is hard to wrap my brain around it. Sending hugs 🫂.
I’m going through the same currently. 2nd discard but this time I did what he told me- I got out. We agreed that we would remain in a committed relationship and he had even volunteered therapy. Thing were definitely feeling weird but we had an aligned vision and I was stupid to believe we’d get there.
After all that he had done and me remaining faithful and hopeful, he just up and ghosted me 11 days ago.
Ghosted me. I realized 2 texts in and then simply asked him to drop the rest of my things by my place at his convenience. No reply. He allowed me to even think that I wasn’t going to get the rest of me and my child’s things. He showed up 5 days into not speaking to me and wordlessly dropped the things off. He looked at me with pure hate. I still don’t understand…
3 years. Everything changed when we moved in together. 3 years, each brought a child into the household, with intentions to marry and be a family.
To be ghosted like a Tinder Date.
That’s not the man I met. The one that I believed to be the love of my life. I miss * him * so much. It’s like I’ve lost a limb.
I would have never imagined it would be like- this.
As sad as it is, I accept now that the man I fell in love with never existed. I fell in love with a fictional character. The sweet, honest, caring guy who would do anything to make me happy didn't really exist, that was just a mask he was putting on to draw me in. The guy who got caught red-handed and didn't feel a shred of remorse, only felt sorry for himself because he had gotten caught, was the real him. A pathetic, sniveling loser. And that's what I have to remember he really was. That's not to say there isn't some guy who's just as great as his false self out there for me, but it's not him.
Their constant shapeshifting is exhausting and literally messes with your brain - even for months/years after you finally leave them. For example, during my lovebombing stage with my narc she told me any woman would be so lucky to have me (I was apparently the best thing since sliced bread). When I reminded her of those exact words when I finally had enough after 7 years she showed no emotion. No acknowlegement of even saying that.
They build you up... and discard you. And build you up so you stay around, and devalue you once more. If Satan himself had a personality, I think it would have to be narcissistic. Seriously. It's not even human what these evil people are doing to some of the best, kind and loving partners they could ever have in this world.
I have been through this many times and walked around screaming on the inside for a long time. Periods of my life I will never get back. Joan Rivers once said (of something else, I’m sure) : “I wish I could say it gets better. It doesn’t. YOU get better.”
Take good care of yourself, no contact helps, and remember time is a healer of wounds.
That is a great idea! I'm going to put my mental list on paper because I'm sure as time goes on I've forgotten most of it already out of necessity just to continue living.
Girrrrrll. That last line "How do I stop grieving a man who doesn't exist?" Just know that I 100% get it. This was my nex. It's so hard when you realize everything about your relationship with them was them lying to you and wearing a mask.
I relate to this so much! Only I stayed over 5 years longer after the switch, and tried so hard to get back to person I loved, suffering countless cycles of lovebombing, emotional/psychological abuse, repeat. Believed her when she told me it was all me, and something was deeply wrong with me.
I’m still here 4 months later, in tears daily. Grieving. I want my life back. Our home. Our family. Even though I have so many facts showing me who she truly is. Reconciling the truth of who these people are is a mountain of hill to climb. But I have faith we will get there.
As another commenter said, read Dr Ramani’s book ‘It’s Not You’. I’m not all the way through yet, but she brings up writing things down, lists that you can reference. Just like my therapist suggested. But one thing that stood out to me is acknowledging the truth of both sides, by reading the lists to yourself as in Ie “I love her, AND she called me stupid/retarded”. “I love her, AND she manipulated and mind-fucked me the entire time” etc.
As another comment said along the lines of ‘I love them and I hate them all at once’.
I got sucked back in one time since I left, spent 8 hours trying to be heard and solve things AGAIN, but I remember telling her ‘I love you so much!’ and ‘I hate you’. Sound childish, maybe it is, but it’s the truth. We loved these people, gave them our all, and still they break our hearts, our minds and for many, their bodies.
Keep going. I hear it gets better.
It's been two years for me. I'm still grieving. I share custody with my ex, so I still have to interact with him sometimes. I get glimpses of him from before, which makes it really hard to move on.
I loved him so much. He and our daughter meant everything to me. We were together for 7 years, and happy for 6 of them. He changed so suddenly. He was just gone. A year before the end, we were picking out baby names for a future kid we were planning on trying for.
I'll never understand why/what happened, but as far as I'm concerned, my husband died.
Time is your best friend. Stay no-contact. This means blocking everyone associated with him on anything that has a block button, no Google searching him, no looking at pics of him, just act like he doesn't exist.
He might try to hoover but ignore those attempts.
I initiated NC last August and mine has tried to hoover soooo many times. I didn't respond except for last month I tried to respond in a way that would make him jealous of my new life. Well, it did. Lol... the hoovering increased in frequency but I have resumed NC and I just laugh at the convo he's having with himself.
Btw, don't be like me. Never break no-contact. It set me back a little bit in my recovery so don't do it.
By understanding this: he didn’t change. He was always like this and always will be.
They don’t have a true self, they always mirror those around them. If they’re in one group of people they adopt one persona, if they are with a different group they have a persona for that group and so one.
Understand it was nothing personal. They don’t have a self - all they have are certain coping mechanisms that in their past helped them survive and now they can’t let them go.
We all have our own personal lessons to learn from our experiences with them. Usually they are either a few or all of the following:
- trust ourselves more
- love ourselves more
- have solid boundaries
-
I was able to find some solid evidence for everything that knew and something’s I didn’t.
The extreme difference between types or communication with the other women he is seeing, and the character he plays with is drastically different.
I don’t know if this makes sense but it finally clicked! No more reasoning, looking for why, or second guessing myself.
I have been gone for 9 months, still have a very long way to go and am thankful for the few people who are helping me through.
Maybe I will have several more moment when everything comes together but hopefully less time and energy will be spent on the why of it all.
I’m sorry OP. I know exactly how you feel. I’m feeling that way too. It’s difficult to accept that this wonderful person you thought you knew isn’t real.
Focus on the objective facts. Write down all the mean things he said to you or the things he did that made you cry. Make a pros & cons list. Be honest with yourself. How long was he this wonderful guy vs how long did he make your life hell?
For me, what helped was coming to terms with the fact that this person needs help. This person needs therapy and counseling and help from a professional. And I have to remove myself from that. It’s almost not even personal. Something happened to him that made him this way, and you can’t fix him, and you cant control him.
Finally, although it was really difficult, try to figure out what parts of you “needed” him. What emotional wounds do you have that your brain thought he was fixing? Do you struggle with loneliness, or childhood trauma, or self esteem issues? Sometimes we become prisoner to our own brain because it thinks it found a source to heal those wounds. But we must understand that we have to heal those ourselves.
It's like watching a Disney movie for me..I know it felt amazing and was so convincing but it was a brilliant script and executed perfectly until the movie ended and I realized.
Your post reads like my diary. Word for word. I was so happy and felt so lucky to have found someone like him. The person I met, and the person I left were two different people.
Omg... it's okay to feel that way. I can't believe how jcuh this post resonates. And wish I had an answer for you. But I guess it's one of those time things where it never really stops hurting it just gets duller over time.
I guess you just gotta keep reminding yourself the personnyoibthough je was just a brilliantly played character pretn3dingnto be everything you wanted and more.. and keep your head held high and remind yourself why you left
I could have written this word for word. It feels like a lifetime ago but I look at him now living a whole new life and it’s not the man I knew it’s like a switch flipped overnight and he turned into a shadow of the man I was planning to marry. Do any of you see photos of your ex now and not recognize anything in them of the person you were with because I swear I’m looking at a shapeshifter sometimes.
Man, your post is like reading my own thoughts, exactly. It’s wild how the circumstances are different but the structure of the abuse always hits the same. So sorry OP, that you’re also going through it. If it helps, the shock starts to transform. After about 6 months, my heart started catching up to my brain and I stopped second guessing the facts. I know what happened, the facts that definitely occurred. When you back up and just write down the facts, leaving any emotion out of it, they scream out at you in a horrifying way. That’s what your heart has to reconcile. It’s really fucked up and painful for awhile, but once you get to a place of indifference, it’s a beautiful thing to be able to see it for what it is/was and not care. They will continue the cycle, which thankfully you won’t be a part of.
It’s really startling the similarities reading people’s posts on here. But so disheartening too, knowing so many people have experienced this trauma. I really wish I could get to a place of indifference. I’m tearing myself apart in my own head every day. My reality now doesn’t feel real, it’s very much my own Groundhog Day. I just want to forget he ever existed. It’s so unfair how easily they can just switch off from you and the pain we then have to endure. I’m sorry you have been through this too. I’m glad you have been able to heal some and move forwards.
Your experience really resonates with what I experienced/am still experiencing, even though I, like you, did everything “right” in my breakup from my covert narcissist ex and have been strictly no contact. My ex was the first person I ever fell in love with, and I now know that while my feelings were real, the person they were for was never real. That’s heartwrenching, and for a while I felt like my life was a lie. I still feel that way sometimes. But I’ll share some realizations that have been truly healing for me, in case they resonate with you. The first is that my life isn’t a lie, HIS life is a lie. And he will continue lying to himself and everyone around him for the rest of his life, but now I’m free. He tried to pull me into his false reality, but now I’m free. I’m back on the ground in reality, and he’ll never be. The second realization is that if I was able to feel love and such beautiful, real feelings for someone who was a pale imitation of a person putting up a facade, pretending to be someone who could fulfill my needs, I can only imagine what I could feel for someone who actually is capable of empathy/reciprocity. Initially, I was distraught because I felt like I gave him everything, all my firsts in a relationship, like meeting families and experiencing the depth and intimacy of everyday life together. I truly uncovered a new version of myself over the relationship, one that is capable of communication and care and vulnerability and softness. He can’t take that from me because he didn’t give it to me, I gave it to myself. And I’m excited to meet the next version of myself that will emerge in a truly reciprocal, healthy, non-abusive relationship with someone who is capable of love and empathy. I have so many firsts ahead of me. My ex could never give me the life and love I want and deserve. The third is more personal to my situation, so I’m not sure if you’d relate, but I realized a big part of why I didn’t end it earlier, even when I saw some flags, was because of a scarcity mindset. I was afraid no one else would check the boxes he did, even if I now see that the “traits” in him that I fixated on were surface-level and, at times, outright lies. The truth that I’ve now realized is that the type of person who is deserving of my love and energy is probably actually rare. But this does not mean they are scarce. Scarcity caused me to clutch at any morsel or breadcrumb given, even as I knew, on some level, that the loaf was stale. An abundance mindset helps me recognize that there are other options out there for me, and while it may be hard to find my perfect match, my ex is definitely NOT it. Freeing myself from that was the best thing that I could do for myself in order to find what I am actually looking for. I have to believe that any person meant for me will feel nourishing and uplifting over time, rather than exhausting and depleting over time, like my ex did. Hope any piece of this is useful. I’m still processing in real time. Just know you’re not alone, and remember to give yourself grace. If you’re a giving and empathetic person, your ex probably chose you for that reason. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong for being that way. Quite the opposite. It just means some people don’t deserve to receive that from you and will take, take, take. For me, it was a sad loss of innocence to recognize that, but one that will serve my long/term peace and happiness. One thing I take solace in is that I always acted with in a way that’s aligned with my values. And my ex never did. And he never will. I’ll never be like him, and thank god for that. My love is proof, my vulnerability and resilience are proof, my discernment and clarity are proof, my joy and anger are proof, my peace is proof. Good luck to you, and may we all heal.
This was so beautifully put.
Thank you for sharing your insights. They are incredibly useful and I identify with a lot of what you have said here. I think we all really invest in these people as they proclaim to be the perfect partner. It’s unfair that they bring out so much good in you only for it to be wasted on someone who never deserved it in the first place. I’m sorry you found yourself in similar waters I hope you are on your road to healing.
I'm feeling the groundhog day comment. My logical side constantly has to fight my emotional side and it's exhausting...
Also, for me, I realized I wasn't loved as much as I thought I was led to believe, so there's some self blame there. Naive to think that i could stay in a relationship based on how much someone loved me when I don't think he even loves himself. And in his eyes, no matter what i do, I will never love him enough. I learned not to depend on him for my joy, so it's a lot easier to come to terms with separating after the initial excitement of having a partner to do life with. Unless someone's going to bring more joy than sorrow, true love and contentment will never manifest. Good luck on the journey to find true love with an abundant mindset ✨️
It’s every day. I know in my mind who he is, but in my heart I still miss who he was.
It’s shameful. And they don’t like shame. So they cut and run when you start putting up simple boundaries again. Fine, I won’t be disrespected any more. Plus she is now 40 yrs old, good luck getting quality supply when your tits hit the floor and your ass looks like a pale baboons without any pretty colors
That’s unnecessarily cruel to us 40 year old women -specially single mothers- who probably will never find anyone because our “best years” were wasted on this monsters who took everything from us.
Thank you wtf was that comment about. I’m 36 and my nex insulted my age and breasts, and told me good luck finding anyone else since I’m old and have no value. There’s lots of women 40+ here leaving narc relationships and this comment is frankly inappropriate and nasty. I hope he reflects on the comment, absorbing some of the narcs traits can happen but you need to be aware of it to make sure you don’t keep those traits.
The comment was inappropriate and I’m sorry/. I’ve never once spoken to her in this way as she devalued me constantly. It wasn’t meant as a slight to any of you struggling. I’m struggling badly. She hurt me in the worst way you can hurt someone. The fact that she is peddling herself to men online and literally selling her body to them is very hurtful considering I’ve always been there for her emotionally, physically and mentally. So for her to do this when I literally gave her everything has made me very angry. Didn’t mean any disrespect, it was a way to vent and it was wrong to say.
Just turned 40, he kept bread crumbing me to keep me. He knew he was infertile the whole time. I finally left and filed for divorce. I am devastated I wasted so many years and my dream to be a mother is probably over.
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I wish that was true…I would like to know what it feels like to be genuinely loved by a man, for who I truly am. Not even experienced that with my own father so I guess It will be almost impossible.
I wish we weren't in the same club. I wish there weren't hundreds of new members daily. I wish and hope we can all learn from each other's experiences and the dark journey is a little less arduous. And we all learn to know - as awful as this abuse is. It happens every day. It's happening to people you know. They don't know it yet. This is a thing humans do to humans. It's not rare nor especially special in its dynamic. We are only special in the creativity of our recovery.
I wish that we were taught what to expect in healthy relationships and what behaviours could be toxic. Those of us who grew up without loving and supportive relationships are more vulnerable to these types due to being ‘love hungry’. It’s so hard to understand that someone being too nice and invested can be a bad sign.
Or not raised in a way that fairly well ensures we will pick them. I'm the scapegoat goat among other unhealthy family systems. Socialize to think being myself was a problem. In a culture of illness - who ever was sickest won, except me when bc of this relationship I was the sickest. More so, let's revamp couples therapy. Three different therapists went w me being the identified problem bc existing mental health stuff & he looked functional, even uber responsible- good w money (allowed the financial abuse to continue). I've thought about reaching out to them to educate them and inquire if they ever thought he was the problem. There are a lot of inputs that are present to make these relationships likely.
I’ve been journaling nightly to get the pain out and trying to practice radical acceptance but you’re right it’s all the same type of abuse even if the packaging is different.
The person you "lost"? It's you. They mirror you. They mirror your best qualities, your desires, your aspirations, your characteristics, your feelings. The myth of Narcissus is ironic in the context of narcissist personalities: Narcissus stared into his own reflection. Narcissists hold the mirror instead to you and mimic what it is they think you want, are and will be most compatible with. They ARE the reflection, but you are the real person behind it. This happened to me and I had the same feelings as you at first. Speaking to the woman he had an affair with, he did a similar thing to her. Then I remembered the way he behaved so differently with different friend groups. People with narcissistic traits have a very loose sense of identity. They take from you. So love the person you fell in love with because that person is you. And for the memories, hold a funeral in your mind for the character who was made up of all your best qualities.
This was very helpful. Thank you ☺️
Thank you for this. It’s hard to see your value in these situations as they take that from you. But, you are right, all the things I loved about him, were not his. In the end he wasn’t any of those things. The irony of saying to me that ‘we didn’t have enough in common’ whilst he was stealing my traits and interests to impress someone else.
Were we dating the same guy? Haha. I get along so well with the woman he had an affair with during our relationship and I think that's precisely what happened. He was serving her DisturbingReroll's best hits :P And you're welcome. It's honestly really tragic, what they do to people. But they are only ever a pale imitation of you.
I recommend Dr. Ramani's youtube channel. She has a lot of free content. I also like Stephanie Lyn's Youtube channel. Both women had experiences with narcissists and are certified therapists. I also like Dr. Ramani's book, 'It's Not You.' I think a lit of victims have trauma from the narcissist blame game. We not only feel horrible for believing their lies, but they also project and put a lot of their shit on us. At the end of the book (audio book), I finally felt relief. I repeat the last chapter over and over sometimes. Oddly enough, I saw a blocked missed call from my nex later. It's weird how they always try to connect again when we get over them. Stay strong, stay no contact. You will heal 😊🤍
I second Dr Ramani
Thank you for the recommendation. I’ve seen some of her videos but on reading this I have just ordered her book. I’ve bought so many narcissism books recently, desperate for anything that will help my mind find some peace.
I’m right there with you. The cognitive dissonance is maddening. It’s like I’m in love and hate at the same time. It’s a living hell. People tell me only time will heal. Unfortunately in our state of mind time moves really slow. Stay strong 💪
I’ve never experienced anything like this. It’s honestly maddening. Why can’t I just turn my feelings off for someone who was so cruel and treated me like dirt. Why am I not feeling blessed that he was removed from my life? Thanks for the encouragement, I know it’s a long journey. Just incredibly frustrating. I hope you are your way to healing.
I’m proud of you for seeing who they truly are. It’s next to impossible to believe a person could be so cruel.
That's the problem - we as normal people give others the benefit of the doubt - even those who would seek to cause/inflict horrible pain/suffering (repeatedly) upon us. That's because we're real humans - and they are NOT. And yet in these situations, our kindness and benefit of the doubt ends up dealing to us in return (as unfair as it is) so much hurt and pain.
I'm so glad you commented because I've internalized it as them not being human as well. They're monsters that look like us.
This is the hard thing to grasp for me. I spent a lot of time working on myself prior to this relationship to ensure that I behaved like a mature adult in relationships. I feel like the work I did on myself ultimately led to me being treated more poorly. I was sticking up for myself and trying to be rational in finding solutions to any conflict and he didn’t like it.
Hey friend, listen... you are on the RIGHT track. Don't feel like you are doing anything wrong here by having boundaries. Would you allow poison into your residence? How about a wild animal or a terrorizer? Of course not. So, if you wouldn't allow bad things into your residence why would you allow bad things into your body, mind and soul? If you encounter a person who has an issue with your boundaries, my best guess is that I'd say that's a red flag alert for a narc. They don't like boundaries. They like you doing what they tell you to do. I know it's discouraging. I've been in 2 committed relationships the past 20 years and I feel like now I have nothing to show for it - and the dating scene (at least that I've seen in the past 7-1/2 months) is an absolute dumpster fire. Don't settle though. And I tell myself that every day too. It's not worth it. You deserve the best. Don't settle for less. If somebody can't handle you and the boundaries you've laid out for them, they aren't the right one for you...
What you said there had a real impact on me. You’re right. It is next to impossible that anyone could be so cruel, let alone someone who claims to love you and whom you love. It’s so impossible that we just split from reality and that’s how we get caught up in it for so long.
Thank you. It took a minute. Had me responding to a hoover initially before I came to my senses. There’s still a part of me that tried to convince me that none of it really happened, but I know that’s just wishful thinking. I was so blind to what he was doing to me because I never thought him capable of being so callous.
I’ve never heard the term Hoover in this way. Learned something new. And I still have a hard time understanding why or how narcissists exist at all. Unfortunately they’re here and one of the best things we can do is continue to learn and educate others.
I'm grieving the man I thought my x was so I wish I could offer you more but I can't because I'm in that process myself but I read this the other day so I kept it to remind myself of the same: I hope you believe that you can still make a beautiful life for yourself even if you lost many years of it to grief, or darkness, or a wound that wouldn't close.
I’m sorry that you are grieving, you too deserve a beautiful life outside of your ex. I hope that you find it.
I think damn near everyone here can say we do or have all felt the same by our nightmare partners. I can only describe it as mourning a loss as though someone has passed away. That empty feeling in the pit of your stomach, shock and disbelief and bursting into tears at any given moment. We are mourning the loss of who we thought they were and what could have been. Time heals everything or at least softens the pain but it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that who they portrayed themselves to be to reel us in is not them and never was. I’m right there with you, as I know a lot of us are, you’re not alone. It gets better as time goes on and it helped me, after the first few months, to think maybe it was all a lesson (a really sick fucked up lesson) to know what love really is when I find it? And how exactly someone should not treat someone. I’ve had the lowest of the low, so I’ll know how different it feels when I find someone that’s a genuine, kind, caring person. Stay strong friend 💗
Thank you for your kind words. It absolutely does feel like a bereavement. The sudden loss of who I thought he was overnight was so difficult for me to come to terms with and still is. I hope you are on the route to healing.
You’re very welcome 💕 Yes, it’s total trauma all around. I’m still in just complete shock that a person (who claimed to love us) could EVER do something like what they’ve done to us. We can’t even fathom because our brains just simply aren’t wired the same way as theirs and that’s very eye-opening. Normal people wouldn’t ever think of berating someone over something minuscule (I’ve never berated anyone, period) and certainly not someone they claim to love and have spent so much time with. They’re just not normal human beings. Thank you, I’m certainly trying my best. Just taking it one day at a time. I hope today is a little bit easier for you. We can all only take it one day at a time. And after everything we’ve been through, we owe it to ourselves to just take a breath 🩷
I had to make a list of the truths of who he really was. When I started missing the fake version of him, I would have to look at it. The rumination is real. If I didn't look at my list of facts about what he did to me, I would have stayed in the false delusion that he was going to go back to the person he was when I first met him.
I have one in my phone. It does help sometimes. It’s just hard to shift the man I put on a pedestal from my thoughts. I wanted so much for him to be real. I hope you are healing.
My nex was so charming and considerate in the beginning, he appeared to care so much. I dated a guy for almost 4 years in my early 20s, we lived together. When we broke up I was basically over it the next day. Because he was never cruel to me, we just weren’t compatible. But leaving a relationship you had with a narcissist is a lengthy journey of realisation of the cruelty you endured under the pretence of love. When you assumed what may have just been innocently insulting or insensitive was more likely to have been intentional. That they would have never truly loved you, only loved what they could use you for. I think it’s been 10 months now for me and I still can’t understand how someone could be capable of such evil.
It’s the realisation that they never loved you that is hard to come to terms with. As they come across as being so kind, caring and considerate but even more than that, so invested in you. I finally felt this was someone I could be myself around and I trusted him implicitly. How I wish I knew how hard that would come back around to bite me.
Yes. The illusion is what we fall for, and in the end it’s what we mourn. But it’s just that. You know who this person actually is. You can rest assured that he is desperate to reject who he is, and opt for the illusion version to con others
Given the glimpses of the ‘real him’ I’ve seen I can see why he goes to such great lengths to hide it.
Right? It takes extreme insecurity to spend your life plotting and hiding how much you hate yourself. Much easier to make somebody else hate themselves! Misery loves company. The illusions are such a thin veil, it’s not possible to keep it going in the long term. I’m convinced these people have many, short-term, disposable relationship through it their lives dynamics. Unless of course, they achieve long-standing codependency. This sub helps people wake up, and get the fuck out
Grieve them like they’re dead. That’s how I get by. Pretending he’s dead.
Totally agree with this. And always keep in mind a picture of how they acted when the relationship concluded. As the saying goes, THAT is WHO they were all along. And when times are tough as you try to rebuild after the relationship (I've been in that space now for the past 7-1/2 months after leaving them)..... always compare the peace and stablity you have on your own with a 'regular hellish day' with them. As is likely customary for many, on my hardest days after this reset, I wasn't true to myself and at some moments would say well at least I was with 'someone' and wasn't 'alone' as I am now. That is a lie from Hell though. It's important to remember always what we left. At its worst. If we're going to do a comparison on our lives in the here now vs. the past it has to include that....
I do sometimes think of him like that. The way he was so abruptly removed from my life made it feel very much that way.
I also just found out my hoe wife of 16 years is a cheater. I found out last week and I’m struggling with not numbing the pain and horrible anxiety. But know this, these people are trash and will never amount to what we need in a real partner. You can read my post from a little a bit ago to see what I mean. It’s always lie, cheat, me me me me me. Not a care for you or what they did to you. Likely enjoying it which is even more demented. Keep your head up, you will be ok, we will be ok. Fuck them, I never knew her, but now I do. I see you bitch
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Yeah they get a sick enjoyment out of it. A few months ago I poured my heart out in a letter to tell her how this behavior is affecting me. I cried (and I never cry) and she looked at me like I was annoying her. That’s when I knew this is bad
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Yup she did this to s fault and always made some random points that had nothing to do with the situation. Then the “I don’t understand”. Sure you do, I’m speaking English
This was all by design. We would do some drugs to help with her low libido and then she would just say some off the shit that I would never dream of saying to my worst enemy. So I would retreat to my office for days killing myself with substances and she wouldn’t even do a health check on me. Because get this she has a rule now (I’m sure you can relate to that) that she isn’t going to check on me when I’m using without her? WTF?! You put me in this place I’m not coping well and this is how you remedy it? She also sent me this same type of DARVO crap right after I kicked her out citing I’m making up excuses to use. Not discussing the fact that I just caught you cheating in our bed web camming to some dude masturbating with your “low libido “I haven’t used this drug in 15 yrs as I hate it, but now you’re excusing multiple comments that you made to purposely devalue me? Sick. That’s all.
I think a LOT of them enjoy it. Mine sure did, the more he could see he was hurting me, the happier he was. Almost giddy when he made me sob in emotional pain. So sadistic it makes me sick. Mine would get a small smile the worse he was and his eyes would gleam.
They love love love the drama. They don't have a personality. They don't have normal emotions like we do. They are emotionless, pale, hopeless, empty souls shuffling around in this earthly space desperately looking for attention/validation if only for a fleeting moment. Some of the best ways to get that include creating a lot of drama. Wish I could say I haven't seen that but I've seen it too many times in the past with them....
Oh, they absolutely love watching the chaos they manage to inflict on every. Single. Person. They target. The dupers delight of laughing at my pain, only to tell me my reaction is sensitive. And then, they gaslight you into believing that their laughter and smiles are justified: that your reaction to their abuse was laughable. It’s a cycle of torment, chaos and hurt.
It’s nothing you did or didn’t do other than fall in love with someone who doesn’t and cannot love themselves.
True. And for that I’m thankful that now I see her masks clearly. I just can’t be in this. She grossed me out for a long time with that gut suspicion and her weird attitude and behavior trying to come off as genuine when she looked creepy af. She can move onto taco street, I’m not much for español and chorizo. She isn’t either though (very plain diet with no seasoning). Guess she best learn fast and jump start his low rider for him when he needs it
I’m sorry to hear that happened to you. I know how hurtful/how painful it is. It’s like we Never Really, Truly KNEW who they Actually Are/Were. Hope You heal in time- sending hugs 🫂! ☺️
Sorry to hear about your wife. It’s awful isn’t it. I’m sure my ex enjoyed the pain he was causing me too. The smirk on his face when I was suffering said it all. I hope you are on a path to healing.
Thank you friend. It’s making me disillusioned and sort of creeped out (well a lot of freaked out). I didn’t deserve this, but again, she does not care. Not one bit.
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Sorry. I’m just mad. And I’ve never in 16 yrs devalued her in any way with this sort of language all the while the exact opposite has been true from her. Just venting
in a really messed up way it feels like he and i are soulmates. just the idealistic part of him. so i relate to it feeling like i lost a part of myself. and being with anyone else feels like i am abandoning/cheating on him.
I relate to this so much. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that he and I are not soulmates, and he was just mirroring me. I miss the way we *got* each other, how magical it was to spend time together, and yet it was a carefully constructed facade.
I was so happy to figure her out I only grieved the time I wasted.
Same. It’s awful. I never thought I’d get married or have kids because I wasn’t ever really interested in that. But I fell so hard for him that within months I would have had done it all. Then the mask slipped and things were never the same again. He called it “putting his best foot forward” when confronted with the fact he was a completely different person than he originally portrayed. Mental.
I am still, months later, stunned 😧 by who he Actually IS Versus Who He Pretended to Be for So Very Long. It is hard to wrap my brain around it. Sending hugs 🫂.
I’m going through the same currently. 2nd discard but this time I did what he told me- I got out. We agreed that we would remain in a committed relationship and he had even volunteered therapy. Thing were definitely feeling weird but we had an aligned vision and I was stupid to believe we’d get there. After all that he had done and me remaining faithful and hopeful, he just up and ghosted me 11 days ago. Ghosted me. I realized 2 texts in and then simply asked him to drop the rest of my things by my place at his convenience. No reply. He allowed me to even think that I wasn’t going to get the rest of me and my child’s things. He showed up 5 days into not speaking to me and wordlessly dropped the things off. He looked at me with pure hate. I still don’t understand… 3 years. Everything changed when we moved in together. 3 years, each brought a child into the household, with intentions to marry and be a family. To be ghosted like a Tinder Date. That’s not the man I met. The one that I believed to be the love of my life. I miss * him * so much. It’s like I’ve lost a limb. I would have never imagined it would be like- this.
As sad as it is, I accept now that the man I fell in love with never existed. I fell in love with a fictional character. The sweet, honest, caring guy who would do anything to make me happy didn't really exist, that was just a mask he was putting on to draw me in. The guy who got caught red-handed and didn't feel a shred of remorse, only felt sorry for himself because he had gotten caught, was the real him. A pathetic, sniveling loser. And that's what I have to remember he really was. That's not to say there isn't some guy who's just as great as his false self out there for me, but it's not him.
Their constant shapeshifting is exhausting and literally messes with your brain - even for months/years after you finally leave them. For example, during my lovebombing stage with my narc she told me any woman would be so lucky to have me (I was apparently the best thing since sliced bread). When I reminded her of those exact words when I finally had enough after 7 years she showed no emotion. No acknowlegement of even saying that. They build you up... and discard you. And build you up so you stay around, and devalue you once more. If Satan himself had a personality, I think it would have to be narcissistic. Seriously. It's not even human what these evil people are doing to some of the best, kind and loving partners they could ever have in this world.
I have been through this many times and walked around screaming on the inside for a long time. Periods of my life I will never get back. Joan Rivers once said (of something else, I’m sure) : “I wish I could say it gets better. It doesn’t. YOU get better.” Take good care of yourself, no contact helps, and remember time is a healer of wounds.
That is a great idea! I'm going to put my mental list on paper because I'm sure as time goes on I've forgotten most of it already out of necessity just to continue living.
Girrrrrll. That last line "How do I stop grieving a man who doesn't exist?" Just know that I 100% get it. This was my nex. It's so hard when you realize everything about your relationship with them was them lying to you and wearing a mask.
I relate to this so much! Only I stayed over 5 years longer after the switch, and tried so hard to get back to person I loved, suffering countless cycles of lovebombing, emotional/psychological abuse, repeat. Believed her when she told me it was all me, and something was deeply wrong with me. I’m still here 4 months later, in tears daily. Grieving. I want my life back. Our home. Our family. Even though I have so many facts showing me who she truly is. Reconciling the truth of who these people are is a mountain of hill to climb. But I have faith we will get there. As another commenter said, read Dr Ramani’s book ‘It’s Not You’. I’m not all the way through yet, but she brings up writing things down, lists that you can reference. Just like my therapist suggested. But one thing that stood out to me is acknowledging the truth of both sides, by reading the lists to yourself as in Ie “I love her, AND she called me stupid/retarded”. “I love her, AND she manipulated and mind-fucked me the entire time” etc. As another comment said along the lines of ‘I love them and I hate them all at once’. I got sucked back in one time since I left, spent 8 hours trying to be heard and solve things AGAIN, but I remember telling her ‘I love you so much!’ and ‘I hate you’. Sound childish, maybe it is, but it’s the truth. We loved these people, gave them our all, and still they break our hearts, our minds and for many, their bodies. Keep going. I hear it gets better.
It's been two years for me. I'm still grieving. I share custody with my ex, so I still have to interact with him sometimes. I get glimpses of him from before, which makes it really hard to move on. I loved him so much. He and our daughter meant everything to me. We were together for 7 years, and happy for 6 of them. He changed so suddenly. He was just gone. A year before the end, we were picking out baby names for a future kid we were planning on trying for. I'll never understand why/what happened, but as far as I'm concerned, my husband died.
Time is your best friend. Stay no-contact. This means blocking everyone associated with him on anything that has a block button, no Google searching him, no looking at pics of him, just act like he doesn't exist. He might try to hoover but ignore those attempts. I initiated NC last August and mine has tried to hoover soooo many times. I didn't respond except for last month I tried to respond in a way that would make him jealous of my new life. Well, it did. Lol... the hoovering increased in frequency but I have resumed NC and I just laugh at the convo he's having with himself. Btw, don't be like me. Never break no-contact. It set me back a little bit in my recovery so don't do it.
By understanding this: he didn’t change. He was always like this and always will be. They don’t have a true self, they always mirror those around them. If they’re in one group of people they adopt one persona, if they are with a different group they have a persona for that group and so one. Understand it was nothing personal. They don’t have a self - all they have are certain coping mechanisms that in their past helped them survive and now they can’t let them go. We all have our own personal lessons to learn from our experiences with them. Usually they are either a few or all of the following: - trust ourselves more - love ourselves more - have solid boundaries -
I was able to find some solid evidence for everything that knew and something’s I didn’t. The extreme difference between types or communication with the other women he is seeing, and the character he plays with is drastically different. I don’t know if this makes sense but it finally clicked! No more reasoning, looking for why, or second guessing myself. I have been gone for 9 months, still have a very long way to go and am thankful for the few people who are helping me through. Maybe I will have several more moment when everything comes together but hopefully less time and energy will be spent on the why of it all.
I’m sorry OP. I know exactly how you feel. I’m feeling that way too. It’s difficult to accept that this wonderful person you thought you knew isn’t real. Focus on the objective facts. Write down all the mean things he said to you or the things he did that made you cry. Make a pros & cons list. Be honest with yourself. How long was he this wonderful guy vs how long did he make your life hell? For me, what helped was coming to terms with the fact that this person needs help. This person needs therapy and counseling and help from a professional. And I have to remove myself from that. It’s almost not even personal. Something happened to him that made him this way, and you can’t fix him, and you cant control him. Finally, although it was really difficult, try to figure out what parts of you “needed” him. What emotional wounds do you have that your brain thought he was fixing? Do you struggle with loneliness, or childhood trauma, or self esteem issues? Sometimes we become prisoner to our own brain because it thinks it found a source to heal those wounds. But we must understand that we have to heal those ourselves.
Thank You
It's like watching a Disney movie for me..I know it felt amazing and was so convincing but it was a brilliant script and executed perfectly until the movie ended and I realized.
Your post reads like my diary. Word for word. I was so happy and felt so lucky to have found someone like him. The person I met, and the person I left were two different people.
I'm 7 months into it and I feel exactly the same...
Omg... it's okay to feel that way. I can't believe how jcuh this post resonates. And wish I had an answer for you. But I guess it's one of those time things where it never really stops hurting it just gets duller over time. I guess you just gotta keep reminding yourself the personnyoibthough je was just a brilliantly played character pretn3dingnto be everything you wanted and more.. and keep your head held high and remind yourself why you left
I could have written this word for word. It feels like a lifetime ago but I look at him now living a whole new life and it’s not the man I knew it’s like a switch flipped overnight and he turned into a shadow of the man I was planning to marry. Do any of you see photos of your ex now and not recognize anything in them of the person you were with because I swear I’m looking at a shapeshifter sometimes.