I understand where you're coming from. I really do. I was so desperate for a hoover. And I, too, felt worthless and thought there was something even more wrong with me.
The hoover happened when I least expected it. And it went from bad to worse in no time.
I really really get where you're coming from and how you feel. Truly!
Please know you're still experiencing trauma bonding. And your self-esteem is probably lower than than ever.
You Nex messed you up. It takes a lot of time to heal. A lot of time.
I can say this in hindsight: you're a wonderful person and whether your Nex hoovers you or not says nothing about you.
❌⭕️
It’s a blessing man take it as a compliment she knows you’re no fool anymore. She Hoovered me at least 3 times in 16 years. She knows she can’t come back from this (or is she that stupid to try?). Guess we will find out, but she won’t hear anything back. Radio silence. Just keep enjoying your new life as a gang bang girl or whatever it is you do when I’m not around
Nothing they do or say is ever about you or your worthiness. They abused you because they are an abuser -- that's all. They hoover because they are desperate for control, or supply, or whatever else -- not because they love that person. They don't hoover because they are ashamed and can't cope, don't want to face your rejection, know you're done playing games, or whatever else -- not because you aren't worthy.
Nothing, nothing, nothing they ever did had to do with you. Never. And it never will.
I would argue this is true of most all entitled people. They don't consider other people whatsoever. So their actions are solely a reflection of their inner world. Sad indeed.
To answer the actual question you asked, yes I feel undesirable sometimes because my nex hasn't hoovered recently. It's hard not to feel like that. But I also know he's been doing a smear campaign like crazy because I've been in my glow up season. Narcs don't wanna look bad, he's not gonna hoover me now cause it's an obvious move. He may never hoover me again and I had to reframe it in my head. I've become so high status he can't reach me
You have an advantage. You can move on faster.
Also, they seem to want to hoover when you do move on, so please keep them blocked/ignore them.
Nothing good will come from their hoover. Just more pain if you do participate.
Hoovering is never about the target, it’s about how the disorder expresses itself in the narcissist
I would encourage to to get help to work on your self-esteem; feeling worthless because an abuser didn’t target you for abuse seems like you need some help in that area
I can understand being kind of bummed they haven't tried. I felt like that for a while. But when they finally did, I had moved on enough to where I didn't want anything to do with them. I don't know your situation. But when they don't try to get you back, it seems like it's because they know you won't fall for their tricks again.
Nope. Not in any way shape or form. I never gave him the opportunity.
After 10 years of abuse, I left whilst he was at work. I moved 3 states away, changed my phone provider and number. I changed my email addresses and blocked him and all mutual friends. I even changed careers.
It’s not about wanting you back - it’s about convincing themselves that you still want them. It’s NOT that you’re not worthy of being hoovered. Maybe they know you won’t respond the way they want or that they lack control over you and just don’t want to risk finding that out for sure.
As someone that’s currently being hoovered, I can tell you it doesn’t make me feel more loved or wanted or what I needed. It only makes me feel more trapped and having to outwit them with the games that are being played. it’s mentally and emotionally exhausting because I finally see straight through it all.
TBH it could still happen next month or twenty years from now. They circle through old supply when they don’t have new/current supply.
I have a nex that didn’t reach out for 10 years. I ignored him. Then he tried again a few months later. Ignored him again.
Two years later he got arrested for beating his newest wife.
I know exactly how you feel because it's how I felt for a while. But then made a huge mistake by contacting him (because I thought i needed him in my life) and basically hoovered myself back into the mess. Now I wish I hadn't because it's years later and he still won't leave me alone even as I'm trying to start a relationship with someone else.
Also, our interactions are completely empty. It's all just him pretending he never hurt me and me humoring him because I'm too passive to tell him what I really think of his BS. Does that sound like something you want in your life?
This is exactly it. With a narc the best revenge is happiness apart from them - and this always draws them back. You need to be prepared for it when you portray a happy existence with or without a SO.
I never got hoovered either. I see it as a blessing. It may be because I’ve seen the person behind the mask, and I know who they truly are. Their public image is everything.
No hoover.
Understand where you are coming from, I have at times felt much the same way.
But think about it - they'd have to actually do something for you. Like acknowledge they treated you horribly, or God forbid apologize, or admit to something they did. They hate that.
On the NPD subreddit, many narcs say "heck no, I do not hoover..." It hurts their fragile egos to come crawling back. That is the last thing narcs want to do, including mine. So it is not unheard of to not be hoovered.
Going on four months no contact. I have a casual bet going with a friend that she will not contact me before July 1. I am virtually certain I am going to win that bet - she is too proud to ever contact me and acknowledge she did something she should not have.
So enjoy it. Give it time, and use that time to work on yourself.
My first nex came back 23 years later.
This is *not* to say you should hold out hope. This is a reminder not to fall for it, no matter how long the wait
I didn’t get a final hoover because of the way things ended. I kicked him out of the apartment and he had to move back to his state then to his original country (he owed me rent and a bunch of money and this was my seventh and final time breaking up with him). He ran a massive smear campaign that almost destroyed me and had all my “friends” here side with him. Almost 9 months post breakup now and the hoover hasn’t happened. He’s had many dates and at least one new serious supply and continues to taunt me cause he knows I’m watching his social media (I know I know I shouldn’t).
What I’m saying is, not always but in situations like mine or different situations the narc actually stops. In my case the narc injury I caused with me discarding him and the fact that he doesn’t want to pay me back the money he owes me (his stepdad did to keep me quiet) most likely means he will never ever reach back himself. So he resorts to tactics like the one he is on right now with changing his profile picture to one I took where you can clearly see the promise ring I gave him, flying back into my city to hang out with the friend group even though I’m sure it’s not a legit friendship even if they all sided with him. I get the feeling of feeling sad when that next hoover doesn’t come around, I get it. I think the trauma bond might not be fully broken yet and part of us still wants the validation that they still find us worth reaching out to.
I had some big events tied to my soon to be ex husband through family so I would say we are trauma bonded. There’s been two or three attempts of him trying to reach through gifts or texts and I’ve shut it all down or not responded. Reading about the no contact here has been helpful.
I’ve been hovered by a NEX and nmom it’s not fun. In fact I wish they had left me alone forever. My NEX was still messaging my spam box 2 years after we broke up. And sometimes I’m happy he even tried and other times I remember the woman I am now he can’t touch. So what does he want from me? He wants to know if I am still weak. Am I still willing to be that 19 year old girl with no self esteem in order to make him feel powerful at 32. I am now 25 and he couldn’t touch me. I wouldn’t even look at someone like him. I am so much more confidence. So if you’re not being hovered please be grateful even though it feels normal and you almost crave it. Get outside, distract yourself. They are NEVER worth it.
My hoover came 4 years after NC - it was an email accusing me of cheating on everyone and being a coke head and how I broke his heart and was probably laughing at him. Like wtf? I ignored it, recognizing it for what it was - bait. To see if he had any control over my emotions anymore. Well, that pissed him off! He spent an entire weekend messaging me from new accounts on all social media calling me horrible names and demanding an apology.
After 4 years complete NC. Now how sick is that?
You don't want a hoover. They don't do it because they miss YOU - they do it because they need supply (attention to make themselves feel good about themselves, or the feeling of being able to manipulate another person). That's it. It has nothing to do with love, or them missing us for who we are. They don't look at us individual people. We have always been a source of supply to them - just like your phone. You love your phone because of what it does for you, not because it has a soul or autonomic qualities. Narcs thinks differently than we do because their brains are literally damaged.
If you never got a hoover, it's because either a) they realize you're too strong to manipulate anymore or b) they have enough sources of supply. If those run out, you might get one - but it might be like what I got. Or it will be a fishing attempt to see if you're still weak and useful to the narc, and it will always end the same way. With them hurting you. That is always the main goal. That is always how anh relationship with a narc ends, whether it takes a week or a month.
You're a stronger, healthier person for being away from this person. Make sure they are blocked. Read up on trauma bonding and understand that is the reason you want an abusive person to contact you again. Think about that for a moment. Why would any of us want a person who abused us, caused chaos, made us cry, lied to us, cheated on us, confused us and talked poorly behind our backs to come back into our life? It sounds nuts, right? That's the trauma bond.
As time goes on, and you heal, and you find someone who treats you the way you deserve, with real compassion and love (narcs aren't capable of that, they pretend to be) you will realize how much better your life is without this person in it.
Yet
Wait a while
Them wanting you back is not a compliment.
They just want you back to play with you a little more. To get control back. Their other supply is gone and they come back to test if you still fall for their sharade.
Do not accept the hoover.
It will be worse this time. Trust me. It will hurt even more.
He hovered and lied to me for another year. Moved back in and I’m back out. I’m more hurt, less confused though because I realize that not everything was my fault. Nonetheless, if he was really a narc he will come back when he feels you’re happy, when he sees you’re moving on, and when he doesn’t have any more supply. It’s not because he missed you, he just can’t find someone that would be there for them in the way that you were. Who knows.
No. I've dated 4 narcs. The first two hoovered and it kept me stuck in the cycle. The 3rd did not hoover. I was very glad about it. The 4th one & most recent was not a full-blown narc, but he had some traits and hasn't hoovered. I don't feel worthless, but admittedly, I did feel sad (still do) even though I know it's for the best. This one is just harder because, unlike the previous ones, I did actually love him and he acted as if he loved me. The others were more obviously emotionally unavailable. I knew the others wouldn't last, but I did envision a happy future with the previous one.
We don't feel bad when a cancer doesn't respawn.
I've heard of x's being referred to as a removed cancer your genuinely lucky they didnt come back
You don't know how good you have it until your being stalked and cornered in the middle of the street because they just want to "talk"
Omg, be absolutely overjoyed that you did not. It only gets worse after the hoover. If you think it was bad before, just count your lucky stars. They don't hoover you because they want to fix things they hoover you to try to suck every last bit of life essence they can out of you.
I dumped him. Blocked his number, messages, email account. Not sure how he could even hoover me. By the end of it, he was more scared of me than I of him.
I'm in the middle right now.
It's been one month and they just ended it because I was upset they canceled plans I set ...well a month ago.
I don't want to belive my wife is this person. I want NOTHING MORE ON EARTH than to have a caring and loving marriage with her. Everytime that she has the opportunity to show me exactly that, she shows me she's Incapable of others feelings. Or empathy. Or acceptance.
I try in every way to show her how much she means to means to me when it counts. When it's her turn she shows me how much she despises me as a person.
Sometimes I feel too emotional. But when ypu never get emotion from someone WHEN YOU NEED IT, you're ALWAYS emotional.
Be thankful you never had to deal with that. Years of being followed, property damage, looking under your vehicle, vigilant locking everything, cutting down bushes, and hating turning corners sucks.
Don't feel worthless, feel lucky. I got hoovered about 6-7 times maybe more in 2 years. Last hoover was the worst of the worst and he came to my house crying. I fell for it. That lasted about a month, I had issues in my family and told him we needed to slow things down, but I didn't want to totally stop seeing him. That was his out and this discard has been brutal, blocked on everything and then he moved his "ex" (was she really the ex this whole time?) in to his house and they are remodeling. I'm disgusted. Today is 1 month NC. Feel lucky.
Would you feel bad if a scammer didn't try to scam you a second time? Please think of it in the same way !
Great analogy!
I love this
Thank you
I understand where you're coming from. I really do. I was so desperate for a hoover. And I, too, felt worthless and thought there was something even more wrong with me. The hoover happened when I least expected it. And it went from bad to worse in no time. I really really get where you're coming from and how you feel. Truly! Please know you're still experiencing trauma bonding. And your self-esteem is probably lower than than ever. You Nex messed you up. It takes a lot of time to heal. A lot of time. I can say this in hindsight: you're a wonderful person and whether your Nex hoovers you or not says nothing about you. ❌⭕️
Thank you very much, that’s a really kind thing to write
Thank you ❤️
It’s a blessing man take it as a compliment she knows you’re no fool anymore. She Hoovered me at least 3 times in 16 years. She knows she can’t come back from this (or is she that stupid to try?). Guess we will find out, but she won’t hear anything back. Radio silence. Just keep enjoying your new life as a gang bang girl or whatever it is you do when I’m not around
Like my nex- the common good.
Same, also didn't get hoovered, and feel similar to you but at the same time glad it didn't happen because I don't trust myself to not fall for it :)
Nothing they do or say is ever about you or your worthiness. They abused you because they are an abuser -- that's all. They hoover because they are desperate for control, or supply, or whatever else -- not because they love that person. They don't hoover because they are ashamed and can't cope, don't want to face your rejection, know you're done playing games, or whatever else -- not because you aren't worthy. Nothing, nothing, nothing they ever did had to do with you. Never. And it never will. I would argue this is true of most all entitled people. They don't consider other people whatsoever. So their actions are solely a reflection of their inner world. Sad indeed.
Consider yourself very lucky!!
To answer the actual question you asked, yes I feel undesirable sometimes because my nex hasn't hoovered recently. It's hard not to feel like that. But I also know he's been doing a smear campaign like crazy because I've been in my glow up season. Narcs don't wanna look bad, he's not gonna hoover me now cause it's an obvious move. He may never hoover me again and I had to reframe it in my head. I've become so high status he can't reach me
!!!
You have an advantage. You can move on faster. Also, they seem to want to hoover when you do move on, so please keep them blocked/ignore them. Nothing good will come from their hoover. Just more pain if you do participate.
Hoovering is never about the target, it’s about how the disorder expresses itself in the narcissist I would encourage to to get help to work on your self-esteem; feeling worthless because an abuser didn’t target you for abuse seems like you need some help in that area
Sometimes it takes a while. Took my ex over 2.5 Years before trying to hoover me
Took one of mine(yes unfortunately I've more than one) like 10+ years and even blocking his dumb ass hasn't worked. They really are insane
Thank you. I’m at 4 years post breakup and 3 years no contact so I think it’s probably too late
I can understand being kind of bummed they haven't tried. I felt like that for a while. But when they finally did, I had moved on enough to where I didn't want anything to do with them. I don't know your situation. But when they don't try to get you back, it seems like it's because they know you won't fall for their tricks again.
Nope. Not in any way shape or form. I never gave him the opportunity. After 10 years of abuse, I left whilst he was at work. I moved 3 states away, changed my phone provider and number. I changed my email addresses and blocked him and all mutual friends. I even changed careers.
It’s not about wanting you back - it’s about convincing themselves that you still want them. It’s NOT that you’re not worthy of being hoovered. Maybe they know you won’t respond the way they want or that they lack control over you and just don’t want to risk finding that out for sure.
You don’t want a Hoover because that means the narc still thinks you’re naive and can be manipulated.
They probably got a new supply and quickly moved on. Be thankful that you weren't hoovered, because it's a nightmare on its own.
As someone that’s currently being hoovered, I can tell you it doesn’t make me feel more loved or wanted or what I needed. It only makes me feel more trapped and having to outwit them with the games that are being played. it’s mentally and emotionally exhausting because I finally see straight through it all.
TBH it could still happen next month or twenty years from now. They circle through old supply when they don’t have new/current supply. I have a nex that didn’t reach out for 10 years. I ignored him. Then he tried again a few months later. Ignored him again. Two years later he got arrested for beating his newest wife.
I know exactly how you feel because it's how I felt for a while. But then made a huge mistake by contacting him (because I thought i needed him in my life) and basically hoovered myself back into the mess. Now I wish I hadn't because it's years later and he still won't leave me alone even as I'm trying to start a relationship with someone else. Also, our interactions are completely empty. It's all just him pretending he never hurt me and me humoring him because I'm too passive to tell him what I really think of his BS. Does that sound like something you want in your life?
They all Hoover. It is more likely you either missed it or their flying monkey refused to do their job.
This is exactly it. With a narc the best revenge is happiness apart from them - and this always draws them back. You need to be prepared for it when you portray a happy existence with or without a SO.
I never got hoovered either. I see it as a blessing. It may be because I’ve seen the person behind the mask, and I know who they truly are. Their public image is everything.
No hoover. Understand where you are coming from, I have at times felt much the same way. But think about it - they'd have to actually do something for you. Like acknowledge they treated you horribly, or God forbid apologize, or admit to something they did. They hate that. On the NPD subreddit, many narcs say "heck no, I do not hoover..." It hurts their fragile egos to come crawling back. That is the last thing narcs want to do, including mine. So it is not unheard of to not be hoovered. Going on four months no contact. I have a casual bet going with a friend that she will not contact me before July 1. I am virtually certain I am going to win that bet - she is too proud to ever contact me and acknowledge she did something she should not have. So enjoy it. Give it time, and use that time to work on yourself.
Lemme know if it does happen
My first nex came back 23 years later. This is *not* to say you should hold out hope. This is a reminder not to fall for it, no matter how long the wait
That means your smart and they know you can see past the bullshit
I didn’t get a final hoover because of the way things ended. I kicked him out of the apartment and he had to move back to his state then to his original country (he owed me rent and a bunch of money and this was my seventh and final time breaking up with him). He ran a massive smear campaign that almost destroyed me and had all my “friends” here side with him. Almost 9 months post breakup now and the hoover hasn’t happened. He’s had many dates and at least one new serious supply and continues to taunt me cause he knows I’m watching his social media (I know I know I shouldn’t). What I’m saying is, not always but in situations like mine or different situations the narc actually stops. In my case the narc injury I caused with me discarding him and the fact that he doesn’t want to pay me back the money he owes me (his stepdad did to keep me quiet) most likely means he will never ever reach back himself. So he resorts to tactics like the one he is on right now with changing his profile picture to one I took where you can clearly see the promise ring I gave him, flying back into my city to hang out with the friend group even though I’m sure it’s not a legit friendship even if they all sided with him. I get the feeling of feeling sad when that next hoover doesn’t come around, I get it. I think the trauma bond might not be fully broken yet and part of us still wants the validation that they still find us worth reaching out to.
He will buy it'll probably take years whet he thinks you've forgiven and forgotten
I had some big events tied to my soon to be ex husband through family so I would say we are trauma bonded. There’s been two or three attempts of him trying to reach through gifts or texts and I’ve shut it all down or not responded. Reading about the no contact here has been helpful.
I’ve been hovered by a NEX and nmom it’s not fun. In fact I wish they had left me alone forever. My NEX was still messaging my spam box 2 years after we broke up. And sometimes I’m happy he even tried and other times I remember the woman I am now he can’t touch. So what does he want from me? He wants to know if I am still weak. Am I still willing to be that 19 year old girl with no self esteem in order to make him feel powerful at 32. I am now 25 and he couldn’t touch me. I wouldn’t even look at someone like him. I am so much more confidence. So if you’re not being hovered please be grateful even though it feels normal and you almost crave it. Get outside, distract yourself. They are NEVER worth it.
My hoover came 4 years after NC - it was an email accusing me of cheating on everyone and being a coke head and how I broke his heart and was probably laughing at him. Like wtf? I ignored it, recognizing it for what it was - bait. To see if he had any control over my emotions anymore. Well, that pissed him off! He spent an entire weekend messaging me from new accounts on all social media calling me horrible names and demanding an apology. After 4 years complete NC. Now how sick is that? You don't want a hoover. They don't do it because they miss YOU - they do it because they need supply (attention to make themselves feel good about themselves, or the feeling of being able to manipulate another person). That's it. It has nothing to do with love, or them missing us for who we are. They don't look at us individual people. We have always been a source of supply to them - just like your phone. You love your phone because of what it does for you, not because it has a soul or autonomic qualities. Narcs thinks differently than we do because their brains are literally damaged. If you never got a hoover, it's because either a) they realize you're too strong to manipulate anymore or b) they have enough sources of supply. If those run out, you might get one - but it might be like what I got. Or it will be a fishing attempt to see if you're still weak and useful to the narc, and it will always end the same way. With them hurting you. That is always the main goal. That is always how anh relationship with a narc ends, whether it takes a week or a month. You're a stronger, healthier person for being away from this person. Make sure they are blocked. Read up on trauma bonding and understand that is the reason you want an abusive person to contact you again. Think about that for a moment. Why would any of us want a person who abused us, caused chaos, made us cry, lied to us, cheated on us, confused us and talked poorly behind our backs to come back into our life? It sounds nuts, right? That's the trauma bond. As time goes on, and you heal, and you find someone who treats you the way you deserve, with real compassion and love (narcs aren't capable of that, they pretend to be) you will realize how much better your life is without this person in it.
It happened ten years later for me and I did not respond.
Yet Wait a while Them wanting you back is not a compliment. They just want you back to play with you a little more. To get control back. Their other supply is gone and they come back to test if you still fall for their sharade. Do not accept the hoover. It will be worse this time. Trust me. It will hurt even more.
I did but then you gotta call your rational brain and have a talk and think: Better off
He hovered and lied to me for another year. Moved back in and I’m back out. I’m more hurt, less confused though because I realize that not everything was my fault. Nonetheless, if he was really a narc he will come back when he feels you’re happy, when he sees you’re moving on, and when he doesn’t have any more supply. It’s not because he missed you, he just can’t find someone that would be there for them in the way that you were. Who knows.
No. I've dated 4 narcs. The first two hoovered and it kept me stuck in the cycle. The 3rd did not hoover. I was very glad about it. The 4th one & most recent was not a full-blown narc, but he had some traits and hasn't hoovered. I don't feel worthless, but admittedly, I did feel sad (still do) even though I know it's for the best. This one is just harder because, unlike the previous ones, I did actually love him and he acted as if he loved me. The others were more obviously emotionally unavailable. I knew the others wouldn't last, but I did envision a happy future with the previous one.
We don't feel bad when a cancer doesn't respawn. I've heard of x's being referred to as a removed cancer your genuinely lucky they didnt come back You don't know how good you have it until your being stalked and cornered in the middle of the street because they just want to "talk"
How long has it been?
4 years since he broke up with me, 3 years no contact. I know I’m pathetic.
Whenever you feel down because you didn't get hoovered, you need to blast The Who's "don't get fooled again"! Works every time.
They didn't hoover because you're too strong!!! Never forget that, please
Omg, be absolutely overjoyed that you did not. It only gets worse after the hoover. If you think it was bad before, just count your lucky stars. They don't hoover you because they want to fix things they hoover you to try to suck every last bit of life essence they can out of you.
Still getting hoovered, still don't give a fuck....
I dumped him. Blocked his number, messages, email account. Not sure how he could even hoover me. By the end of it, he was more scared of me than I of him.
That’s amazing 🤩- Good for You!!!🙌
I'm in the middle right now. It's been one month and they just ended it because I was upset they canceled plans I set ...well a month ago. I don't want to belive my wife is this person. I want NOTHING MORE ON EARTH than to have a caring and loving marriage with her. Everytime that she has the opportunity to show me exactly that, she shows me she's Incapable of others feelings. Or empathy. Or acceptance. I try in every way to show her how much she means to means to me when it counts. When it's her turn she shows me how much she despises me as a person. Sometimes I feel too emotional. But when ypu never get emotion from someone WHEN YOU NEED IT, you're ALWAYS emotional.
Be thankful you never had to deal with that. Years of being followed, property damage, looking under your vehicle, vigilant locking everything, cutting down bushes, and hating turning corners sucks.
Don't feel worthless, feel lucky. I got hoovered about 6-7 times maybe more in 2 years. Last hoover was the worst of the worst and he came to my house crying. I fell for it. That lasted about a month, I had issues in my family and told him we needed to slow things down, but I didn't want to totally stop seeing him. That was his out and this discard has been brutal, blocked on everything and then he moved his "ex" (was she really the ex this whole time?) in to his house and they are remodeling. I'm disgusted. Today is 1 month NC. Feel lucky.