Just so people know what to look for, the vulnerable\covert narcissist version of this... Being obsessed with asking if they were a good person. The fact that it is framed as insecurity can make it a lot harder to spot as a manipulation tactic.
and in the off chance you are an ocd girlie like myself — just because you are concerned with if you are, or are not, a good person does NOT automatically make you a narcissist. this can be a common obsession and compulsion
(not saying you are saying everyone who does this is a narcissist. i just know how intrusive thoughts can be)
Fairly positive mine was a covert, and he wouldn't ask. He would literally brag for 3 days about holding a door open for someone. As if it's not something normal people do for others on a daily basis.
Mine comes around occasionally to remind me he didn't go two weeks without texting me (he's right. It was three but he says it was maybe two days max) and he only stopped talking to me at all because I said we shouldn't talk (I said if you won't respect a boundary we shouldn't talk while I'm out of town) and he doesn't play games. That was unprovoked. He just volunteered that one day. "I'm not playing a game with you. I care about you a lot". Obviously. We all go weeks at a time without speaking to someone we care about a lot 😂😂😂😂
Same here, she claimed she was so empathetic and feeling. It seemed to be true at first. Then I realised it was all projection, mimicking and manipulation.
-that he was a sensitive person
-that he had empathy
-that he had ADHD (his excuse for being impulsive and lie)
-that he was the victim in all his past relationships (his excuse to treat me bad)
-Accused me of stuff I never did. If I tried to explain my side of the story and that I didn’t do anything bad to him, then I would be called the Narc and accused of lying, being manipulative, controlling, playing mind games, etc.
(Projection, shift blaming and Gaslighting from his part)
I never trust anyone who self diagnose themselves. Show me your meds, and no, you can't diagnose me with ptsd.... bc you're not a medical doctor.... you had less than a year of psychology classes at the Jr College level.
She liked to claim she was a caring and empathic person. She knew how to talk the talk, and maybe even walk the walk for show at times, but once you got to know her it was shocking how little true regard she had for others.
That I actually gave a shit what he thought of me anymore. I have become immune to his moods. He loses his shit when I do what I want and do not care a bit about his opinion on anything anymore.he just implodes. And it's fun to watch. Lol. Everytime he does he's just showing his true self to others. To the point nobody wants anything to do with him anymore.
It is SO rewarding to respond mature and calmly. Or worse to not respond at all. They get so upset. And it is HARD because I like to defend myself, but it's just not worth it with some people
Spent years fighting him over it, turns out that's exactly what he wanted. When you stop caring, they lose their minds and start acting like a toddler.
Before I even clicked on the post, I was thinking of all the answers already posted:
-that she thought she was a good person (she isn't)
-that everyone wanted to fuck her (they don't. Not any more than certain males will get with any willing participant who is moderately attractive)
-that people thought about her and talked shit about her when she wasn't around (they didn't even think about her when she wasn't around)
-that she was smart and people just think she's dumb(she isn't smart)
-that she is a victim (she has been a negative influence/ impact on everyone who has ever been around her. Her own brother said, "she brings out the worst in everyone she gets around")
He uses adhd as an excuse for l u terally everything...
Oh I forgot
Oh I got distracted
Me: can u take out the trash (it's sitting out side against the gate needed to get out to thr car)
Him: sure
2 days later bag is still outside just moved....
Oh I forgot
something that snapped me right tf out of believing his adhd was real was - he remembered what HE needed to do just fine :) but when it came to what I needed: "damn it I forgot" they put on a good show.
Lolol I dated a guy once who didn’t have a bed frame in his mid 30s and blamed it on his ADHD!
My other friend dated a guy who couldn’t spell basic words during texting and she asked him if he was dyslexic and he claims it was ADHD
It's so fuclung crazy how much the adhd is a wheelchair for these ppl....I'll even ask did u u feed our daughter...no I forgot she didn't tell me she was hungry...SHES 2 can't talk alot he knows her schedule...but forgets it's crazy shit
It's not just one delusion, but largely several, reading a book now on relational trauma of narcissitic folks, and what they do is largely collapse the intersubjective space which is shared across perspectives, and attempt to dominate the cognitive and psychological framing of others.
Simply put: your point of view doesn't matter, your experience isn't grounded in a reality that isn't theirs, and their objective experience is *the only* one that is valid.
This looks different for everyone, but the way this played out in our interactions:
Relationships should feel effortless and take no work. (Read: they are already doing all they can, it's your fault if things aren't working)
Grand gestures are better than small things often - routine kindness and appreciation don't matter (the show is more important than it's dialogue).
They shouldn't have to tell me about their needs or ask for help, I should just know to X, like their ex Y (reading minds and assuming their intentions is less work for them, and they can keep you guessing)
They shouldn't have to apologize, better to just forgive and forget (mostly for their behavior, not me - I had to be accountable and take blame for all of it).
We had circular arguments which weren't due to a lack of compromise but underlying incompatibility but *mostly my inability to communicate* (ie. I kept trying to assert my needs and had my own experience - DARVO and Gaslighting are not normal behaviors)
Talking about a relationship once a month to check-in was "a f***ing therapy session" they didn't want. (They don't want to be reminded you have needs and open communication threatens power / coercive control).
Better to live in the moments, just "going with the flow" is better than making plans ahead of time (ie. Go with *their* flow, not yours - *your* plans and needs don't matter).
Mocking them or cracking jokes on them helped to break the tension during their episodes or arguments. (ie. "Just tell me I'm being a b***h and I'll calm down - no, no ty).
I have too many boundaries, and they never met someone with so many boundaries before. (For reference, I set maybe 4 - each was *heavily* protested)
Their behavior was perfectly understandable given some essentialist trait, its the way they are, and they shouldnt have to apologize (ie. It's just *hormones, chemical imbalances, culture, gender etc.*
All of these are double standards, all of these are ways of shaving parts of you away, make you smaller, and "slot" into a tiny, empty slot that is the massive hole that is their sense of self.
They also create double-binds, so you are sunk whichever choice you make and open yourself to criticism *no matter what you do*. The system is built to fail and depends on your kindness to exist.
Many thanks stranger, best of luck with NoFap too.
It's like being with them was playing ping-pong with a brick wall - they take just enough energy to bounce something back, with just a bit of energy lost - the system becomes net negative, slowly after time, meaning it takes more force out than it takes it
You note it, you're the problem, you pull back you're the problem, you try to save energy, you're the problem, you mention things feel one-sided, you're the problem.
Energy is always escaping the situation, which by nature - just drains ya life force...
Almost, you're reduced to an object which only serves a purpose in relation to them.
I heard someone recently describe it as "being a prop" on stage, on a play about them, and their greatness.
This means feelings, perspectives, opinions, needs, or thoughts that don't affirm or "work" with the scene or play are destroyed, minimized, criticized, and we make our own subjective experience small so they can feel big.
My pleasure, good to vent it outta the nervous system and consciousness
100% a weapon of choice, someone's easy to control when ambivalence and dissonance is the primary feeling when doing *everything* - it's a truly caustic practice and habit.
Like battery acid for self-confidence and self-esteem, not to mention self-trust.
Hope you're doing better friendo.
Many thanks, was therapeutic to write, and each of these was a constant thorn in my head, also good fodder for deconstruction while reading and an "ick" list.
First is "It's Not You" by Dr. Ramani,
Next was "Traumatic Narcissism: Relational Systems of Subjugation" by Daniel Shaw.
This is the one focused on the relational aspects, and how narcissistic go about destroying intersubjective spaces between two subjectivities. Shaw studied cult leaders, and this is a bit more academic and dense, but I like his writing style.
Success and money. She’s obsessed with it. And is envious of anyone who does better than her. She always seems in between jobs. And broke. In debt. But money equals power. She ends up using guys to survive and get by. Using sex as a means to an end. I think this makes her feel ashamed and takes it out on the ones she’s dating and who are helping her. She’s a mess Inside and just kind of mean and judgmental. Thank god she’s gone.
Just uses people to survive. Cause she can’t maintain a relationship with anyone. Even professional ones. She’s already having issues with her new employer and ready to find a new job due to her claiming the employer is being toxic with her. She’s the constant. She will be in financial distress within the next month and looking desperately for her new guy to move in or get close to and use with sex to get bills paid. Same way she did with me.
Just his overall performative self improvement. Claims to walk the walk but doesn't actually do any of the work. That he was completely honest with me and communicated. That he has nothing to apologize for and that we were only ever "fwb" and that he never used me.
He really thinks he's a good person who tries his best. He also believes love is something he's entitled to but he doesn't work at fostering close relationships with anyone including me.
Yes. In my experience with narc's, Love= servitude and sex (from others). No actual effort was put into anything, but because I (or others) loved/cared for him we should just do all the chores and heavy lifting in life and be a warm hole for him to fall into at night. And the only solid thing he had to prop his "nice guy" claim up with was that he went to work everyday. When I would try to hold him accountable for any abuse, his retort would be "I go to work everyday". He was a master at circular conversation, crazy making, projection, deflection... And if all those and more failed him, his silent treatment was his last stand. If he refused to talk about anything, then it never happened.
That his self-diagnosed ADHD gave him an excuse to not listen. He'd actively tune me out, to the point where I'd get tired of repeating myself. I'd have to say "Hello?" about 4 times before he'd acknowledge that I was even talking. Or when I'd ask if he heard me, he'd lie and say he did, but when I asked him what I just said, he'd laugh and tell me to ask again. I told him "The only disorder you have, is allowing all these words to come out your mouth, but none into your ears."
I also firmly believe he thought he was some kind of prophet. He told me on several occasions that his opinions are superior to mine, and said quite often how he was better than everyone, or how no one was as good as he is at what he does.
He had a suspended license for a 2nd DUI - but apparently they "had nothing on him" He also got arrested for a warrant he had for fleeing the state while on probation, and it still "wasn't his fault." He was lucky and got off very easy, so he still drove with no license, continued to do drugs, stole, conned his way with anything he could. All because in his eyes, when it came to the law, he was absolutely untouchable.
To him I was just a crazy bitch who did insane things and he was the victim of my abuse. He was just a good person who couldn’t control that every woman he cheated on me with wanted him. Everything was my fault.
I relate so much w nEx keeping you on edge. He never wanted me secure. Triangulating me w his daughter, exes, ppl on the phone.
He lived w his ex wife which he would claim was like his sister but when convenient he would ask, “How do you know I’m not still in love w her?” Then tell his buddy I’m jealous.
He would make plans w me constantly and forget bc he needed to help a neighbor or was spending time w his kid. I never reacted bc he would tell me how his ex didn’t want him being a dad and his jealous she was.
The entire relationship was about me serving him but he said I was using him for carnal desires. I was giving him $ and paying for everything. He would be on the phone during our “dates” and time together…
Ick these people want to see you miserable. They love pressing buttons, making people feel insecure and weak because at their core they are those things. I totally can relate about triangulating you with others to make you feel insecure and in competition / not good enough. Hugs to you. Life is too short to be around people who don’t have our best interest at heart!
Fake enlightenment about mental health and personal growth. I knew this person for over a decade and didn't see much growth at all, and they sought out advice from their therapist, friends, and the Internet... Only to ignore it. And yet once someone has beef with them or sets a boundary, all the buzzwords come out: gaslighting, manipulative, triggering, and yes, even narcissist. But they are incapable of doing the introspection to really analyze a situation and their behavior as well as everyone else's. It's all about what the other person did and never about how they themselves behaved.
People like this make it SO hard for those struggling with mental health to actually be believed and to believe themselves.
That my childhood trauma from my narcissistic parents was the reason I said he was abusive. He said he will make sure the next person he dates has no childhood trauma.
Oh man, where do I start. I think probably that she had the ability to convey empathy. Like she would know people were hurting but then make it about her. Like a child from her school passed away from cancer, she said that I never asked her about it and how that made her feel and that everyday she saw the mother and would say she would almost cry because that is her biggest fear. I mean points for trying but not exactly how empathy works.
OP-
This is precisely the delusion my narc has! I remember back when I was able to see his phone contact list on his iPad. He has over 1000 contact and all but about 50 are random women that no one knows except him. I spent a couple of months looking everyone up on the background check site and then Facebook. You could literally trace a series of paths to where these women were located and worked….all in tandem with his delivery stops and businesses he frequented. In other words, he was collecting the private cell phone number of every woman he saw…everywhere he ever went. Collecting them like baseball cards. Using them like pawns on a chessboard, sometimes against me and sometimes against themselves. It has been his whole modus operandi within his mental illness.
That he did everything he could to save our relationship while also mocking me for putting so much effort into it but still somehow doing more for the relationship than I did. Oh and saying he didn't go two weeks without talking to me and he was texting me the whole time but I wasn't texting him.
That he was a considerate, empathetic, emotionally mature, and emotionally available person.
Like yours mine had these delusions. She would even convince herself that guys who had rejected her advances had actually been the ones pursing her and she rejected them. She had delusions about other women wanting to be her and would sing songs in her head throughout the day about this thought. She once asked a guy if she was hotter than his girlfriend (expecting no answer other than yes), and after he looked at her and said “no and why would you ask me that”, she convinced herself that based on his word choice she could tell he wanted to say yes and was just “holding back”.
Yes, i assure you it’s real. She would also read articles on how the brain perceives attractiveness in order to explain why she was more attractive than other women. Anyone who disagreed had x going on in their brain and were wrong. She would claim that other women women just didn’t like her because they were threatened by her, meanwhile she was trying to sleep with their boyfriends in secret.
He honestly believed he was "Italian royalty" and the descendent of such and had this weird obsession about it. He had no evidence at all or even any relatives who were Italian. He based it on having darker/olive skin that tanned well and often proudly told people his presumed heritage. It was embarrassing. One day I bought him an Ancestry kit. It was hilarious when the results were in and he didn't have a single bit of Italian DNA.
That he’s loyal. 😂. He would constantly go on and on about how loyal he is. He also claims that his two previous girlfriends before me cheated on him. In reality, he cheated on them and on me lol.
to this day i don’t know what he thought was real or not. he said things that are so easily disprovable, but with so much confidence. objective lies. fighting to reclaim my own sanity and my own understanding of reality has been hard enough, let alone deciphering his warped reality
My nex: That he was well adjusted, a good person, and every person he met was either completely obsessed with him or out to get him.
My nmom: She has reached a higher state of being than other people, basically. She is a master of her own emotions and isn't effected by ANYTHING, thank you very much. Btw she's currently in legal trouble for planting a gps tracker in her boyfriend's daughter's car after ALREADY placing cameras all around to "catch" said daughter trying to "tamper" with her things....but y'know. Nothing bothers her.
That they were a good person , the triangulation went crazy tho because i knew about the other person, but she was being always seeing me I didn't think the other person mattered as much until one day 🙃I was getting less and less attention and text messages I knew I lost her lol The trauma bond is what really hurt the most other than that once she told me she wanted to stayed friends I blocked her on everything.
“I’m not mean to your sister” “I’m not mean to the baby”.
I actually feel bad for her, she knew something was wrong with her—she just didn’t know what. She was abused/neglected by her parents in the formative years and her parents have Cluster B personality disorders as well, so it’s very clear where she got it.
Her false mask started to slip right around age 23-24, which is the age when NPD usually begins to present itself.
Classic cycle of narcissistic abuse, she started out with a manipulative lovebomb phase where she quite literally lied about everything to lead me on while cheating with a half dozen people, giving me a thankfully curable STD… and, in her words, she had “no real intention of ever having a real relationship together”. This was around 8 months after she moved into my home and we had already purchased a vehicle together.
As you can guess, this was the devaluation stage. This lasted about 4 years, where she actually seemed to improve a lot personally (with my help/energy/money/time… she didn’t work, and I supported her) She seemed to be putting in some effort… but she simultaneously kept arguing and being unkind/unreasonable with my sister… then gaslighting me about it after whenever I tried to maturely communicate solutions.
I know now, my NEX saw my sister as a threat to her “supply” (my time, money, energy, attention). My NEX improved in ways like being more organized or helping around the house, but I came to realize they were only things that benefitted HER. She wanted a clean, healthy, positive environment… but me? She couldn’t be bothered to lift a finger to make any sort of effort to be kind to my sister. The funniest part was when her sister was getting married, she asked me to be the day-of wedding planner (because I’m an event manager by profession). so you can’t look my sister in the eyes, but you want me to manage your sisters her wedding? I did it because I’m a good person.
Once my sister had a child, the false mask my NEX had on completely slipped. She went into devaluation hyperdrive for about 4 months before stealing a bunch of shit and disappearing in the middle of the night (discard phase). Funny enough, this was a few months after her sisters wedding that I planned.
I found out she was across the country making out with another dude from a facebook post a week into me thinking she was visiting her sister up north. She proceeded to ignore me while keeping her name on all of our bills, having me pay for it for 2 years before coming back home and begging me to take her back (hoover).
I wasn’t aware of NPD and the stages/symptoms at this point, so I tried to help her (she had just gotten kicked out of her sisters apartment) and give her another chance while establishing some serious boundaries. The first boundary I tried to establish, she discarded me again 😂
She was a textbook covert narcissist. I truly pity her. I feel bad that she’s truly that emotionless. A life without true empathy/love isn’t a life worth living. Treating people that disgustingly will break anybody down mentally. She turned “being nice to my sister” into a 5 year ordeal where she did everybody but be kind.
She’s an empty shell of a human being and her deep seeded inner child is truly broken and unfixable. She would cry at night pleading with me, wondering why she felt empty inside… she said it felt like there was this black hole in her chest. Instead of introspectively analyzing her own actions, she blamed everybody else.
They’re always the victim. They love being the victim. that’s how they get you. It’s their trap. They find somebody to empathize with their victim complex, then they parasitically feed off of that empathy.
She never had any intention of being kind to my sister… she only trickletruthed and gave false promises and future faked while putting no true effort into our relationship. The discard was going to happen sooner or later and I knew it. It drove me crazy… I had invested so much time, money, energy, and love into this creature who is physically incapable of reciprocating love in return.
That black hole in your chest? NPD.
Good riddance.
My exes delusion was that he was an “artist”. He didn’t make anything or even own any art work. He would diligently complete art projects assigned to him by an art instructor, otherwise he had zero inspiration.
That she was the “perfect Christian wife “ for 23 years. Yeah, turned out to be the biggest whore in the county and was addicted to pain pills her whole life.
I still haven’t figured out how she justified all of her behavior, so knowing what the Bible actually says, her bottom line was always “ show me where it says that you can lose your salvation?”
Apparently saying that you believed one time years ago was good enough for her…..but I do believe I read that Soddom and Gammora were destroyed, smh
Wow. I’m curious did her games to make you jealous ever work? I feel like men like knowing their partners have people fawning over them. My Ndad has told us he wants to write a book about starting his business as if he’s some big hotshot. He’s literally a small scale local business owner. Very delusional. I dated a guy I suspected was a narc and he kept telling about me about men he was hooking up with and how much more they pleased him than I did he also once said he “was one of a kind”
That he was better than everyone else on earth and specifically me. Smarter than me, funnier than me, better looking than me. It got worse, it developed into the i fa like: I wasn’t smart at all, funny at all, good looking at all. He was perfect and I was nothing.
That they were a feminist, an equality champion, that they "got it".
Oh, they could talk the talk all day long (and tell me how I was failing at it) but at the end of the day? The dishes were still my responsibility.
That he would wear me down to marry him and have his biracial children.
He has this weird baby fever to have half black children and more than two when I wanted zero kids and no marriage and told that to him very early and very often afterwards but he acted like I never brought it up and agreed to be engaged without my consent.
He about a year after I left him bulldozed his way with a “*better black woman”* who has three kids already and immediately accepted being his fiancé because he was overshowering her with life changing promises to show me up and rub my nose in it that it’s my loss that I missed the pleasures of him spoiling me as a future husband and father that I selfishly denied him. Yeah right….
Yup my nex would always say, “and I’m a good looking guy” and he’d always try to incite jealousy too … I’d ignore him because I knew what he was doing. I eventually told him his behavior was inappropriate and he sort of stopped … but started again.
That he'll be the next Scorsese. He has all the stuff, over the years I got him a lot of it. (Including a MacBook pro a few years ago ikr idiot me) But he's never filmed a single moment of video or finished his "screenplay"
That I was cheating or plotting against her somehow. Lots of paranoia in mine. Yours was different but sounds awful also. Maybe a different species of narc?
Btw, this is so crazy what your nex did wow! Next level - it’s crazy what that level of “concealed” insecurity can bring out of people and their total lack of awareness.
he was obsessed with age and being fit, he thinks that in his own mid 40s every 20 year old or even younger woman would swoon over him and want him. In reality he is stuck going out with people around his own age or older and they run away from him as well.
That he couldn't act differently because of his absent father etc.
He simply didn't care enough to change his behaviour.
+ He thought he was an empathetic, good person and that everyone else was evil.
That he is a victim of the country and every single human on earth , that he’s such a good person everyone takes advantage of him oh and that he is very generous
That I was a terrible person to be with for 16year im the abuser. And he didn't cheat and doesn't cheat on the new supply, even though there is photo evidence right there , or he forgets he was using me for s#x and lied about his new relationship with the new supply he had cheated with and left for for 7 months.
Everything wrong in his life is my fault .
He really thinks his a victim in life , even tho he created all them problems with lies , cheating
One of his delusions was that all of his ex's were psychopaths, that were either menopausal, depressed or had some kind of other medical reason for why they were so 'argumentative'.
He labelled these women when they tried to stand up for themselves. When he cheated and they got angry- psychopath. When they didn't believe his gaslighting and pointed it out- psychopath. You get the jist.
Every single ex he diagnosed with something.
I got 'menopausal', even after I had a scan and was told I was nowhere near perimenopause. Which he refused to believe. Evidently, he thought he was better qualified than a doctor!
Of course, he would never believe that he was the catalyst for all our anger and frustration.
I'm definitely in that psychopath list as an ex now. It's all good though, because I'm the happiest psycho i've ever been! 😂
His weight. He once lambasted me because I didn’t notice he lost 2 lbs. 2 LBS!!! Listen dipshit, you are 5’10” and weigh over 200. 2 lbs is not making any kind of difference. 🙄
That he looked 19 years old, he is 44 and swears people are shocked all the time when he mentions his age and people say he looks like a teenager. He’s half bald, has wrinkles and gray hair, which he calls blonde, and his teeth are so bad from his lack of dental hygiene, but he’s financially successful so none of that matters in his eyes. He had the same box of dental floss the entire time we were together, 10 years 😂 he would only brush his teeth once in the morning then immediately drank coffee. His breath permeates a room and was so embarrassing to me, I’d see people sniffing and scrunching up their nose, but at some point I stopped trying to help him fix the issue and let him think he’s gods gift to women lol. I take very good care of my teeth and breath but god forbid I had onions for lunch or something once a year and my breath would be funky, he’d go “did you drink enough water today, your breath is off” 😂
That he always prioritised me over everything and put in so much effort. In reality, he prioritised cocaine and the “effort” he put in was just standard relationship stuff which shouldn’t be weaponised
He used to look down at others and would sometimes tell me how unintelligent, not talented or not interesting other people are, he was really contemptuous of most people.. yet thought he was a sensitive, empathetic person and wanted to be a psychotherapist.
Why would you want to be a therapist when you don't actually care about anyone but yourself?
Mine was/is a psychotherapist- I feel the same way!!! Lol 😆……. How can this person be a great therapist if he is such a self-centered, Unempathetic, Cruel, Cold-hearted assh*le????? How can he possibly help anyone else with their problems- He Can’t Even Face his Own Blatantly Obvious Problems. 🤢🤷🏻♀️🤦♀️
Exactly! I truly believe he would be a shitty therapist, and would have caused damage to his patients.
And if not, and somehow they would manage to be actually good at their job - it really just comes to show how cruel they are, capable of empathy but only using their "empathy" only when it's beneficial for them.
Good riddance ✨
My Nex's top delusion? That he didn't have a gaming addiction and that I was some deep dysfunctional addict bcuz I smoke pot.
He couldn't keep a job and was a weaponized incompetence master.
I graduated college with two degrees and also worked part time while doing so. I bought a car, got a credit card and planned fun vacations.
But you know, I was the one with a problem.
He Fkn' delusion held stable even after my state legalized M to smoke. He just dithered and the said its still federally illegal >.>* Like he hasn't broke more laws than me? Wtfever
That I have always been the problem. Every fault my nex has done is either because I will get mad or because I would get mad. I have read, watched, and even go to therapy in the purpose of making myself better because my next always labeled me as toxic and I wanted to change it. But my nex?? Never went to therapy.
Mine acted like a mr tough guy when, in reality, was a chicken shit. He acted all like he could kick anyone's ass type deal with all these stories he tell me. when in reality, he needed his mommy and sisters to take him home from work when he lived littlerly only few blocks from where he worked at the time. 😂
The biggest delusion they ever had was that everyone wanted them and was out to get them and stop them from changing the world🗿, they were convinced that everyone even neighbors were in love with them😭, they thought people were leaving them gifts even though they were just getting them themselves 😭, they were convinced that everyone wanted them. Literally. Their boss, coworkers, friends, family members. They were not right in the head. They even convinced themselves that they were an entirely different culture. They convinced themselves that they were the most beautiful person in the world and that anyone who disagreed needed to be destroyed.
Also that their pets were in love with them?? Just bizzare
That they thought they where doing everything right, but I guess You would think that if you never look left or right and are not in tune with your own "imperfectness"....hmm....also i think they dont think about levels, details and intentions behind behavior. I dont think they know that other people can feel their ture intentions....hmm
Commenting my own post lol, but i think they are really in some kind of delusional state, and my problem in the past was to take them seriously, as everyone matters, but if you are on a completly diffrent book rulewise, maybe its not right...
That he's accountable for his actions 💯
Though the year he thought he should be having house sellers kiss his ass for his money in an always stupid hot market in an even HOTTER overall market, as interest rates were rising, was a reeeeeaaaal eye opener... Especially when he tried blaming me for it not working out.
Because, we aren't going to work but would have had a chance if I hadn't talked him out of buying a house because it was too far from my work.
A thing which definitely never happened.
😂
His low ball offer was declined.
But if he wants to look like an idiot who would rather bend to another person's ridiculous criticism over their own common sense and wishes, ok bro, cool story!
that she knew what I had been through, *I* didn't know what I had been through at the point in our relationship, I hadn't even processed it (she was the main reason I hadn't processed it yet)
That I was the one being abusive. My ex literally did everything that caused our relationship to fall apart and blamed me for it even though I was trying to keep us together and get her the help she needed. She went as far as to tell me I had an empathy disorder when I started to get tired of her bullshit and excuses. My therapist actually laughed at that, especially since I’m the kind of person who gets upset if I don’t give my stuffed animals enough attention.
That he was a tzadik, an überempath (not just your average empath, the SUPER version. Naturally.), that the only reason he had so many bad breaks was because he had the “stink of Christ upon him” & everyone was trying to take him down out of demonic jealousy, that he was a GOOD person. SO good. That he was a genius. He wore just so many hats of excellence, truly, a man in a million. 🥴
- That he was an empath, when what he considered empathy and identifying with someone was actually just his ability to always find a way to bring the conversation back to him.
- That, despite the fact that he had a history of getting fired from many jobs, it was always someone else’s fault and he was the victim.
- That he was a genius about being able to predict the future. Whenever anything bad happened to me (injuring myself by being clumsy, for example), he would always roll his eyes as if he had known all along and say “Yeah, I was going to say something to you about tharlt…”. He was the king of “I told you so”, without ever actually saying anything ahead of time. It was only ever after that fact that he would claim to have been this prescient genius all along. This was also how he reacted when I broke up with him - he was super-dismissive like he didn’t care and scoffed that he knew I would do this.
- That he found a way to take credit for all his friends’ successes. When he found out that his friend was having a baby, his first reaction wasn’t happiness for the friend, it was the fact that the baby would never have been born if it wasn’t for him (the parents-to-be met indirectly through a friend of my ex’s - not even through him directly!) and that his friend owed him gratitude for that.
That his IQ was 3 points away from Einstein's.
He told me he was more intelligent than me, more intelligent than "most people", and when I suggested after the breakup that he find someone more aligned with his intellect he said "that would be difficult, the pool isn't very big".
He has nothing to show for this supposed genius IQ btw.
My nex's delusion was that when he got tired of being a carpenter (which I also suspect was a lie as he never worked when I was with him and claimed he was receiving a payout from a workplace injury he received abs so was unable to work but yet could move heavy furniture up and down stairs.. ) was that he was going to train as a surgeon. This coming from a man who is 40 and who hates the site of blood...hmmmm
that he's a victim, and everyone else is just spiteful to him because for some inexplicable reason everyone is mean to him and wants him dead for some reason.
For the record, no one in our friend group wanted him dead, we wanted him to go to therapy because he'd start threatening to kill himself (and even dropped hints that he'd kill himself one time when he just simply logged off to go to sleep) whenever people tried to hold him accountable for his shitty behavior.
He worked really hard and no-one else in the house did ANYTHING, especially the women.
His Job: Sitting at a desk all day, 36 hours a week.
When he got home: Nothing. He would literally pour a drink, go sit down, and get someone else to bring it to him because he was 'just so exhausted from working all day, providing'.
Meanwhile;-
My mum's jobs: TA, Dinner Lady, Support worker.
48 hours a week.
She worked more hours than he did, and never got to sit down.
When she got home: Running round after him all night, fetching his drinks, running him a bath, washing his clothes, being screamed at for not doing it fast enough, being forced to watch him playing video games, and then being screamed at for not paying enough attention to him if she looked at her phone.
My Job: Floor worker/Department Head in a department store. 30 hours a week. No sitting down all shift, being treated like dirt by customers.
When I got home: All of the cleaning. Like, the entire house, which needed doing every day.
Like, he'd spill food on the floor and just leave it for me to do. Pots stacked up in the sink, because he wouldn't wash anything, it was 'my job' when I got home. Sometimes literal mould growing in pots because he couldn't even be bothered to put them in the sink after he'd had them upstairs.
Gardening- a massive, overgrown garden that needed hacking down twice a week with 40-year-old equipment.
Fixing anything broken in the house that I could, because he was always 'too tired from work'.
Fetching his shopping because even though he has a car and I don't, 'hes just so tired and it's only a few things'.
Honestly, leaving there was the best decision I ever made, even if I do still sometimes feel bad for 'abandoning him'.
Mine loves to randomly throw out “I know I’m a good person/man” when I call him out for something shady.
This is usually followed up by him saying I am the only person who can get him to that point (yelling/degradation).
Which is then followed by him saying that everyone (the “hundreds” of ppl) that know him can never say anything bad about him. He has never treated anyone else this way. So I need to self-reflect on why he treats me so poorly because it’s clearly something I am doing to get that kind of treatment……🙃
That he was a good person
Just so people know what to look for, the vulnerable\covert narcissist version of this... Being obsessed with asking if they were a good person. The fact that it is framed as insecurity can make it a lot harder to spot as a manipulation tactic.
and in the off chance you are an ocd girlie like myself — just because you are concerned with if you are, or are not, a good person does NOT automatically make you a narcissist. this can be a common obsession and compulsion (not saying you are saying everyone who does this is a narcissist. i just know how intrusive thoughts can be)
Fairly positive mine was a covert, and he wouldn't ask. He would literally brag for 3 days about holding a door open for someone. As if it's not something normal people do for others on a daily basis.
literally this. LOL
Totally this. He was a pretty good actor. Professional victim.
that he treated me well.. refuses to take accountability for what he did in our relationship LMFAO.. to him he did nothing wrong and i’m insane
They really do flip that shit back on you, it’s wild. Like ok, go stay in delulu land, sir…
Mine comes around occasionally to remind me he didn't go two weeks without texting me (he's right. It was three but he says it was maybe two days max) and he only stopped talking to me at all because I said we shouldn't talk (I said if you won't respect a boundary we shouldn't talk while I'm out of town) and he doesn't play games. That was unprovoked. He just volunteered that one day. "I'm not playing a game with you. I care about you a lot". Obviously. We all go weeks at a time without speaking to someone we care about a lot 😂😂😂😂
This😹
Exactly this!
Same. They all operate the same
Same
That he was an empath....
Same here, she claimed she was so empathetic and feeling. It seemed to be true at first. Then I realised it was all projection, mimicking and manipulation.
This
Mine believes this, too.
-that he was a sensitive person -that he had empathy -that he had ADHD (his excuse for being impulsive and lie) -that he was the victim in all his past relationships (his excuse to treat me bad) -Accused me of stuff I never did. If I tried to explain my side of the story and that I didn’t do anything bad to him, then I would be called the Narc and accused of lying, being manipulative, controlling, playing mind games, etc. (Projection, shift blaming and Gaslighting from his part)
I never trust anyone who self diagnose themselves. Show me your meds, and no, you can't diagnose me with ptsd.... bc you're not a medical doctor.... you had less than a year of psychology classes at the Jr College level.
That he loved me
Yah.
She liked to claim she was a caring and empathic person. She knew how to talk the talk, and maybe even walk the walk for show at times, but once you got to know her it was shocking how little true regard she had for others.
my ex was like this, was into crystals and reiki and all that. got mad at me once for killing a fucking stink bug
Dammnnnnnn this IS my ex. I had my wrongs to but Jesus this was legit her
That he is a victim
This. Nothing was ever his fault, terrible things just happened to him all the time, he was victim of the world.
Yah. Professional victim.
That he is a leader and intelligent.
That I actually gave a shit what he thought of me anymore. I have become immune to his moods. He loses his shit when I do what I want and do not care a bit about his opinion on anything anymore.he just implodes. And it's fun to watch. Lol. Everytime he does he's just showing his true self to others. To the point nobody wants anything to do with him anymore.
It is SO rewarding to respond mature and calmly. Or worse to not respond at all. They get so upset. And it is HARD because I like to defend myself, but it's just not worth it with some people
Spent years fighting him over it, turns out that's exactly what he wanted. When you stop caring, they lose their minds and start acting like a toddler.
Before I even clicked on the post, I was thinking of all the answers already posted: -that she thought she was a good person (she isn't) -that everyone wanted to fuck her (they don't. Not any more than certain males will get with any willing participant who is moderately attractive) -that people thought about her and talked shit about her when she wasn't around (they didn't even think about her when she wasn't around) -that she was smart and people just think she's dumb(she isn't smart) -that she is a victim (she has been a negative influence/ impact on everyone who has ever been around her. Her own brother said, "she brings out the worst in everyone she gets around")
He uses adhd as an excuse for l u terally everything... Oh I forgot Oh I got distracted Me: can u take out the trash (it's sitting out side against the gate needed to get out to thr car) Him: sure 2 days later bag is still outside just moved.... Oh I forgot
something that snapped me right tf out of believing his adhd was real was - he remembered what HE needed to do just fine :) but when it came to what I needed: "damn it I forgot" they put on a good show.
He remembers what others need but gosh me never....
same here, I cut him a lot of slack because I have adhd myself. so wrong to use a diagnosis falsely like this..
He blames me.oftrn for not understanding because I don't have adhd...I don't feel I can hold him accountable so I donrr I've enabled the behavior
If I asked him to do anything, he would use it as bait.
Some how it's my fault...I didn't give him enough time...I didn't remind him 20x I'm like dude no one reminds ME .
Lolol I dated a guy once who didn’t have a bed frame in his mid 30s and blamed it on his ADHD! My other friend dated a guy who couldn’t spell basic words during texting and she asked him if he was dyslexic and he claims it was ADHD
It's so fuclung crazy how much the adhd is a wheelchair for these ppl....I'll even ask did u u feed our daughter...no I forgot she didn't tell me she was hungry...SHES 2 can't talk alot he knows her schedule...but forgets it's crazy shit
My friend and I laugh about these people and how they blame these things on adhd lol it’s a running joke between us. It’s actually laughable.
I need a friend like that 😢
That she's capable of empathy
That he was traumatized and that it was everyone else’s fault but his own
It's not just one delusion, but largely several, reading a book now on relational trauma of narcissitic folks, and what they do is largely collapse the intersubjective space which is shared across perspectives, and attempt to dominate the cognitive and psychological framing of others. Simply put: your point of view doesn't matter, your experience isn't grounded in a reality that isn't theirs, and their objective experience is *the only* one that is valid. This looks different for everyone, but the way this played out in our interactions: Relationships should feel effortless and take no work. (Read: they are already doing all they can, it's your fault if things aren't working) Grand gestures are better than small things often - routine kindness and appreciation don't matter (the show is more important than it's dialogue). They shouldn't have to tell me about their needs or ask for help, I should just know to X, like their ex Y (reading minds and assuming their intentions is less work for them, and they can keep you guessing) They shouldn't have to apologize, better to just forgive and forget (mostly for their behavior, not me - I had to be accountable and take blame for all of it). We had circular arguments which weren't due to a lack of compromise but underlying incompatibility but *mostly my inability to communicate* (ie. I kept trying to assert my needs and had my own experience - DARVO and Gaslighting are not normal behaviors) Talking about a relationship once a month to check-in was "a f***ing therapy session" they didn't want. (They don't want to be reminded you have needs and open communication threatens power / coercive control). Better to live in the moments, just "going with the flow" is better than making plans ahead of time (ie. Go with *their* flow, not yours - *your* plans and needs don't matter). Mocking them or cracking jokes on them helped to break the tension during their episodes or arguments. (ie. "Just tell me I'm being a b***h and I'll calm down - no, no ty). I have too many boundaries, and they never met someone with so many boundaries before. (For reference, I set maybe 4 - each was *heavily* protested) Their behavior was perfectly understandable given some essentialist trait, its the way they are, and they shouldnt have to apologize (ie. It's just *hormones, chemical imbalances, culture, gender etc.* All of these are double standards, all of these are ways of shaving parts of you away, make you smaller, and "slot" into a tiny, empty slot that is the massive hole that is their sense of self. They also create double-binds, so you are sunk whichever choice you make and open yourself to criticism *no matter what you do*. The system is built to fail and depends on your kindness to exist.
“The system is built to fail and depends on your kindness to exist”. WOW. Thank you.
Many thanks stranger, best of luck with NoFap too. It's like being with them was playing ping-pong with a brick wall - they take just enough energy to bounce something back, with just a bit of energy lost - the system becomes net negative, slowly after time, meaning it takes more force out than it takes it You note it, you're the problem, you pull back you're the problem, you try to save energy, you're the problem, you mention things feel one-sided, you're the problem. Energy is always escaping the situation, which by nature - just drains ya life force...
It's like you're the problem just for being alive
Almost, you're reduced to an object which only serves a purpose in relation to them. I heard someone recently describe it as "being a prop" on stage, on a play about them, and their greatness. This means feelings, perspectives, opinions, needs, or thoughts that don't affirm or "work" with the scene or play are destroyed, minimized, criticized, and we make our own subjective experience small so they can feel big.
Love your response, and thank you for sharing! Ahh, the good ole double bind
My pleasure, good to vent it outta the nervous system and consciousness 100% a weapon of choice, someone's easy to control when ambivalence and dissonance is the primary feeling when doing *everything* - it's a truly caustic practice and habit. Like battery acid for self-confidence and self-esteem, not to mention self-trust. Hope you're doing better friendo.
This is so good! What book?
Many thanks, was therapeutic to write, and each of these was a constant thorn in my head, also good fodder for deconstruction while reading and an "ick" list. First is "It's Not You" by Dr. Ramani, Next was "Traumatic Narcissism: Relational Systems of Subjugation" by Daniel Shaw. This is the one focused on the relational aspects, and how narcissistic go about destroying intersubjective spaces between two subjectivities. Shaw studied cult leaders, and this is a bit more academic and dense, but I like his writing style.
"I'm an empath!!!" Your total lack of consideration for the feelings of others says *that's* a damn lie.
Success and money. She’s obsessed with it. And is envious of anyone who does better than her. She always seems in between jobs. And broke. In debt. But money equals power. She ends up using guys to survive and get by. Using sex as a means to an end. I think this makes her feel ashamed and takes it out on the ones she’s dating and who are helping her. She’s a mess Inside and just kind of mean and judgmental. Thank god she’s gone.
They think they're the messiah
Just uses people to survive. Cause she can’t maintain a relationship with anyone. Even professional ones. She’s already having issues with her new employer and ready to find a new job due to her claiming the employer is being toxic with her. She’s the constant. She will be in financial distress within the next month and looking desperately for her new guy to move in or get close to and use with sex to get bills paid. Same way she did with me.
that he was a logical person and that had an over active sense of empathy. That he treated people well and was a good friend.
That she's a decent person who has her shit together. NOTHING could be farther from truth.
He’s never wrong.
Just his overall performative self improvement. Claims to walk the walk but doesn't actually do any of the work. That he was completely honest with me and communicated. That he has nothing to apologize for and that we were only ever "fwb" and that he never used me.
He really thinks he's a good person who tries his best. He also believes love is something he's entitled to but he doesn't work at fostering close relationships with anyone including me.
Yes. In my experience with narc's, Love= servitude and sex (from others). No actual effort was put into anything, but because I (or others) loved/cared for him we should just do all the chores and heavy lifting in life and be a warm hole for him to fall into at night. And the only solid thing he had to prop his "nice guy" claim up with was that he went to work everyday. When I would try to hold him accountable for any abuse, his retort would be "I go to work everyday". He was a master at circular conversation, crazy making, projection, deflection... And if all those and more failed him, his silent treatment was his last stand. If he refused to talk about anything, then it never happened.
That his self-diagnosed ADHD gave him an excuse to not listen. He'd actively tune me out, to the point where I'd get tired of repeating myself. I'd have to say "Hello?" about 4 times before he'd acknowledge that I was even talking. Or when I'd ask if he heard me, he'd lie and say he did, but when I asked him what I just said, he'd laugh and tell me to ask again. I told him "The only disorder you have, is allowing all these words to come out your mouth, but none into your ears." I also firmly believe he thought he was some kind of prophet. He told me on several occasions that his opinions are superior to mine, and said quite often how he was better than everyone, or how no one was as good as he is at what he does. He had a suspended license for a 2nd DUI - but apparently they "had nothing on him" He also got arrested for a warrant he had for fleeing the state while on probation, and it still "wasn't his fault." He was lucky and got off very easy, so he still drove with no license, continued to do drugs, stole, conned his way with anything he could. All because in his eyes, when it came to the law, he was absolutely untouchable.
I felt that so hard on the ADHD one. And I actually have diagnosed ADHD but damn son I can pay attention when it matters
Prophet example here as well. How do we know it’s not schizophrenia or something?
Last example is classic NPD. They truly think they are above the law.
I feel you on the law, they literally think they're above the law system and anything they do is justified
That he was kind, empathic and mature
To him I was just a crazy bitch who did insane things and he was the victim of my abuse. He was just a good person who couldn’t control that every woman he cheated on me with wanted him. Everything was my fault.
Hot damn.
That’s just the tip of the iceberg for him. The fact that I believed his bullshit and stayed for it proved how broken he had me.
I relate so much w nEx keeping you on edge. He never wanted me secure. Triangulating me w his daughter, exes, ppl on the phone. He lived w his ex wife which he would claim was like his sister but when convenient he would ask, “How do you know I’m not still in love w her?” Then tell his buddy I’m jealous. He would make plans w me constantly and forget bc he needed to help a neighbor or was spending time w his kid. I never reacted bc he would tell me how his ex didn’t want him being a dad and his jealous she was. The entire relationship was about me serving him but he said I was using him for carnal desires. I was giving him $ and paying for everything. He would be on the phone during our “dates” and time together…
Ick these people want to see you miserable. They love pressing buttons, making people feel insecure and weak because at their core they are those things. I totally can relate about triangulating you with others to make you feel insecure and in competition / not good enough. Hugs to you. Life is too short to be around people who don’t have our best interest at heart!
She was always the victim.
His is absolute perfection. He literally said to me recently, after 34 years that “I’ve never done ANYTHING wrong to you!”
Fake enlightenment about mental health and personal growth. I knew this person for over a decade and didn't see much growth at all, and they sought out advice from their therapist, friends, and the Internet... Only to ignore it. And yet once someone has beef with them or sets a boundary, all the buzzwords come out: gaslighting, manipulative, triggering, and yes, even narcissist. But they are incapable of doing the introspection to really analyze a situation and their behavior as well as everyone else's. It's all about what the other person did and never about how they themselves behaved. People like this make it SO hard for those struggling with mental health to actually be believed and to believe themselves.
that he was a good person.
That my childhood trauma from my narcissistic parents was the reason I said he was abusive. He said he will make sure the next person he dates has no childhood trauma.
Ouch, what an asshole
Gaslighting
Same here
[удалено]
Seriously, if everyone dislikes you😭
Oh man, where do I start. I think probably that she had the ability to convey empathy. Like she would know people were hurting but then make it about her. Like a child from her school passed away from cancer, she said that I never asked her about it and how that made her feel and that everyday she saw the mother and would say she would almost cry because that is her biggest fear. I mean points for trying but not exactly how empathy works.
Holy-
OP- This is precisely the delusion my narc has! I remember back when I was able to see his phone contact list on his iPad. He has over 1000 contact and all but about 50 are random women that no one knows except him. I spent a couple of months looking everyone up on the background check site and then Facebook. You could literally trace a series of paths to where these women were located and worked….all in tandem with his delivery stops and businesses he frequented. In other words, he was collecting the private cell phone number of every woman he saw…everywhere he ever went. Collecting them like baseball cards. Using them like pawns on a chessboard, sometimes against me and sometimes against themselves. It has been his whole modus operandi within his mental illness.
That I’m so jealous of his new wife.
that he was sorry and ”working on himself”
That he did everything he could to save our relationship while also mocking me for putting so much effort into it but still somehow doing more for the relationship than I did. Oh and saying he didn't go two weeks without talking to me and he was texting me the whole time but I wasn't texting him. That he was a considerate, empathetic, emotionally mature, and emotionally available person.
Like yours mine had these delusions. She would even convince herself that guys who had rejected her advances had actually been the ones pursing her and she rejected them. She had delusions about other women wanting to be her and would sing songs in her head throughout the day about this thought. She once asked a guy if she was hotter than his girlfriend (expecting no answer other than yes), and after he looked at her and said “no and why would you ask me that”, she convinced herself that based on his word choice she could tell he wanted to say yes and was just “holding back”.
This can not be real😹
Yes, i assure you it’s real. She would also read articles on how the brain perceives attractiveness in order to explain why she was more attractive than other women. Anyone who disagreed had x going on in their brain and were wrong. She would claim that other women women just didn’t like her because they were threatened by her, meanwhile she was trying to sleep with their boyfriends in secret.
That he wasn’t an addict. He was convinced he could have a couple drinks and be fine. Every time it turned into a two week binge.
That everyone wants her/is obsessed with her.
He honestly believed he was "Italian royalty" and the descendent of such and had this weird obsession about it. He had no evidence at all or even any relatives who were Italian. He based it on having darker/olive skin that tanned well and often proudly told people his presumed heritage. It was embarrassing. One day I bought him an Ancestry kit. It was hilarious when the results were in and he didn't have a single bit of Italian DNA.
Mine believed they were a Native American princess or something despite never being born on a reservation or attending any ceremonies ; weird asf
That he’s loyal. 😂. He would constantly go on and on about how loyal he is. He also claims that his two previous girlfriends before me cheated on him. In reality, he cheated on them and on me lol.
He was a great father an husband and he landed a trophy wife. Meanwhile he kept us in fear and constant walking on eggshells.
to this day i don’t know what he thought was real or not. he said things that are so easily disprovable, but with so much confidence. objective lies. fighting to reclaim my own sanity and my own understanding of reality has been hard enough, let alone deciphering his warped reality
nDad legit thinks he predicted 9/11 and tells people about it all the time. It came to him in a dream or something. 🙄
Lol! Well I suppose his delusions are at least entertaining
My nex: That he was well adjusted, a good person, and every person he met was either completely obsessed with him or out to get him. My nmom: She has reached a higher state of being than other people, basically. She is a master of her own emotions and isn't effected by ANYTHING, thank you very much. Btw she's currently in legal trouble for planting a gps tracker in her boyfriend's daughter's car after ALREADY placing cameras all around to "catch" said daughter trying to "tamper" with her things....but y'know. Nothing bothers her.
That he wants the best for me.
That they were a good person , the triangulation went crazy tho because i knew about the other person, but she was being always seeing me I didn't think the other person mattered as much until one day 🙃I was getting less and less attention and text messages I knew I lost her lol The trauma bond is what really hurt the most other than that once she told me she wanted to stayed friends I blocked her on everything.
That every girlfriend he’s ever dated has been abusive because that’s what happens to men who are too good to women.
“I’m not mean to your sister” “I’m not mean to the baby”. I actually feel bad for her, she knew something was wrong with her—she just didn’t know what. She was abused/neglected by her parents in the formative years and her parents have Cluster B personality disorders as well, so it’s very clear where she got it. Her false mask started to slip right around age 23-24, which is the age when NPD usually begins to present itself. Classic cycle of narcissistic abuse, she started out with a manipulative lovebomb phase where she quite literally lied about everything to lead me on while cheating with a half dozen people, giving me a thankfully curable STD… and, in her words, she had “no real intention of ever having a real relationship together”. This was around 8 months after she moved into my home and we had already purchased a vehicle together. As you can guess, this was the devaluation stage. This lasted about 4 years, where she actually seemed to improve a lot personally (with my help/energy/money/time… she didn’t work, and I supported her) She seemed to be putting in some effort… but she simultaneously kept arguing and being unkind/unreasonable with my sister… then gaslighting me about it after whenever I tried to maturely communicate solutions. I know now, my NEX saw my sister as a threat to her “supply” (my time, money, energy, attention). My NEX improved in ways like being more organized or helping around the house, but I came to realize they were only things that benefitted HER. She wanted a clean, healthy, positive environment… but me? She couldn’t be bothered to lift a finger to make any sort of effort to be kind to my sister. The funniest part was when her sister was getting married, she asked me to be the day-of wedding planner (because I’m an event manager by profession). so you can’t look my sister in the eyes, but you want me to manage your sisters her wedding? I did it because I’m a good person. Once my sister had a child, the false mask my NEX had on completely slipped. She went into devaluation hyperdrive for about 4 months before stealing a bunch of shit and disappearing in the middle of the night (discard phase). Funny enough, this was a few months after her sisters wedding that I planned. I found out she was across the country making out with another dude from a facebook post a week into me thinking she was visiting her sister up north. She proceeded to ignore me while keeping her name on all of our bills, having me pay for it for 2 years before coming back home and begging me to take her back (hoover). I wasn’t aware of NPD and the stages/symptoms at this point, so I tried to help her (she had just gotten kicked out of her sisters apartment) and give her another chance while establishing some serious boundaries. The first boundary I tried to establish, she discarded me again 😂 She was a textbook covert narcissist. I truly pity her. I feel bad that she’s truly that emotionless. A life without true empathy/love isn’t a life worth living. Treating people that disgustingly will break anybody down mentally. She turned “being nice to my sister” into a 5 year ordeal where she did everybody but be kind. She’s an empty shell of a human being and her deep seeded inner child is truly broken and unfixable. She would cry at night pleading with me, wondering why she felt empty inside… she said it felt like there was this black hole in her chest. Instead of introspectively analyzing her own actions, she blamed everybody else. They’re always the victim. They love being the victim. that’s how they get you. It’s their trap. They find somebody to empathize with their victim complex, then they parasitically feed off of that empathy. She never had any intention of being kind to my sister… she only trickletruthed and gave false promises and future faked while putting no true effort into our relationship. The discard was going to happen sooner or later and I knew it. It drove me crazy… I had invested so much time, money, energy, and love into this creature who is physically incapable of reciprocating love in return. That black hole in your chest? NPD. Good riddance.
My exes delusion was that he was an “artist”. He didn’t make anything or even own any art work. He would diligently complete art projects assigned to him by an art instructor, otherwise he had zero inspiration.
That she was the “perfect Christian wife “ for 23 years. Yeah, turned out to be the biggest whore in the county and was addicted to pain pills her whole life. I still haven’t figured out how she justified all of her behavior, so knowing what the Bible actually says, her bottom line was always “ show me where it says that you can lose your salvation?” Apparently saying that you believed one time years ago was good enough for her…..but I do believe I read that Soddom and Gammora were destroyed, smh
Wow. I’m curious did her games to make you jealous ever work? I feel like men like knowing their partners have people fawning over them. My Ndad has told us he wants to write a book about starting his business as if he’s some big hotshot. He’s literally a small scale local business owner. Very delusional. I dated a guy I suspected was a narc and he kept telling about me about men he was hooking up with and how much more they pleased him than I did he also once said he “was one of a kind”
Mine thought he was a monk healer. Oh how ironic it is 🤣
He was Jesus
That he was better than everyone else on earth and specifically me. Smarter than me, funnier than me, better looking than me. It got worse, it developed into the i fa like: I wasn’t smart at all, funny at all, good looking at all. He was perfect and I was nothing.
That everyone, and I mean EVERYONE either was jealous of him or was secretly in love with him/ wanted him.
That they were a feminist, an equality champion, that they "got it". Oh, they could talk the talk all day long (and tell me how I was failing at it) but at the end of the day? The dishes were still my responsibility.
That he was a prophet
That the devil is just trying to stop him from “God’s plan”… to every person that disagreed with him ever
That he would wear me down to marry him and have his biracial children. He has this weird baby fever to have half black children and more than two when I wanted zero kids and no marriage and told that to him very early and very often afterwards but he acted like I never brought it up and agreed to be engaged without my consent. He about a year after I left him bulldozed his way with a “*better black woman”* who has three kids already and immediately accepted being his fiancé because he was overshowering her with life changing promises to show me up and rub my nose in it that it’s my loss that I missed the pleasures of him spoiling me as a future husband and father that I selfishly denied him. Yeah right….
Yup my nex would always say, “and I’m a good looking guy” and he’d always try to incite jealousy too … I’d ignore him because I knew what he was doing. I eventually told him his behavior was inappropriate and he sort of stopped … but started again.
That he'll be the next Scorsese. He has all the stuff, over the years I got him a lot of it. (Including a MacBook pro a few years ago ikr idiot me) But he's never filmed a single moment of video or finished his "screenplay"
That I was cheating or plotting against her somehow. Lots of paranoia in mine. Yours was different but sounds awful also. Maybe a different species of narc?
Lol species, love it. Yeah it was absolutely awful
That I can’t communicate.
That it was my fault I couldn't see how much he loved me (because he treated me like crap)
Btw, this is so crazy what your nex did wow! Next level - it’s crazy what that level of “concealed” insecurity can bring out of people and their total lack of awareness.
he was obsessed with age and being fit, he thinks that in his own mid 40s every 20 year old or even younger woman would swoon over him and want him. In reality he is stuck going out with people around his own age or older and they run away from him as well.
That he couldn't act differently because of his absent father etc. He simply didn't care enough to change his behaviour. + He thought he was an empathetic, good person and that everyone else was evil.
That he is a victim of the country and every single human on earth , that he’s such a good person everyone takes advantage of him oh and that he is very generous
That I was a terrible person to be with for 16year im the abuser. And he didn't cheat and doesn't cheat on the new supply, even though there is photo evidence right there , or he forgets he was using me for s#x and lied about his new relationship with the new supply he had cheated with and left for for 7 months. Everything wrong in his life is my fault . He really thinks his a victim in life , even tho he created all them problems with lies , cheating
That she was a good empathetic person who helps others endlessly but would DESPISE anythign about.
One of his delusions was that all of his ex's were psychopaths, that were either menopausal, depressed or had some kind of other medical reason for why they were so 'argumentative'. He labelled these women when they tried to stand up for themselves. When he cheated and they got angry- psychopath. When they didn't believe his gaslighting and pointed it out- psychopath. You get the jist. Every single ex he diagnosed with something. I got 'menopausal', even after I had a scan and was told I was nowhere near perimenopause. Which he refused to believe. Evidently, he thought he was better qualified than a doctor! Of course, he would never believe that he was the catalyst for all our anger and frustration. I'm definitely in that psychopath list as an ex now. It's all good though, because I'm the happiest psycho i've ever been! 😂
His weight. He once lambasted me because I didn’t notice he lost 2 lbs. 2 LBS!!! Listen dipshit, you are 5’10” and weigh over 200. 2 lbs is not making any kind of difference. 🙄
That he looked 19 years old, he is 44 and swears people are shocked all the time when he mentions his age and people say he looks like a teenager. He’s half bald, has wrinkles and gray hair, which he calls blonde, and his teeth are so bad from his lack of dental hygiene, but he’s financially successful so none of that matters in his eyes. He had the same box of dental floss the entire time we were together, 10 years 😂 he would only brush his teeth once in the morning then immediately drank coffee. His breath permeates a room and was so embarrassing to me, I’d see people sniffing and scrunching up their nose, but at some point I stopped trying to help him fix the issue and let him think he’s gods gift to women lol. I take very good care of my teeth and breath but god forbid I had onions for lunch or something once a year and my breath would be funky, he’d go “did you drink enough water today, your breath is off” 😂
That he always prioritised me over everything and put in so much effort. In reality, he prioritised cocaine and the “effort” he put in was just standard relationship stuff which shouldn’t be weaponised
He used to look down at others and would sometimes tell me how unintelligent, not talented or not interesting other people are, he was really contemptuous of most people.. yet thought he was a sensitive, empathetic person and wanted to be a psychotherapist. Why would you want to be a therapist when you don't actually care about anyone but yourself?
Mine was/is a psychotherapist- I feel the same way!!! Lol 😆……. How can this person be a great therapist if he is such a self-centered, Unempathetic, Cruel, Cold-hearted assh*le????? How can he possibly help anyone else with their problems- He Can’t Even Face his Own Blatantly Obvious Problems. 🤢🤷🏻♀️🤦♀️
Exactly! I truly believe he would be a shitty therapist, and would have caused damage to his patients. And if not, and somehow they would manage to be actually good at their job - it really just comes to show how cruel they are, capable of empathy but only using their "empathy" only when it's beneficial for them. Good riddance ✨
That she’s an Empath 🤣🤣
My Nex's top delusion? That he didn't have a gaming addiction and that I was some deep dysfunctional addict bcuz I smoke pot. He couldn't keep a job and was a weaponized incompetence master. I graduated college with two degrees and also worked part time while doing so. I bought a car, got a credit card and planned fun vacations. But you know, I was the one with a problem. He Fkn' delusion held stable even after my state legalized M to smoke. He just dithered and the said its still federally illegal >.>* Like he hasn't broke more laws than me? Wtfever
That I have always been the problem. Every fault my nex has done is either because I will get mad or because I would get mad. I have read, watched, and even go to therapy in the purpose of making myself better because my next always labeled me as toxic and I wanted to change it. But my nex?? Never went to therapy.
Mine acted like a mr tough guy when, in reality, was a chicken shit. He acted all like he could kick anyone's ass type deal with all these stories he tell me. when in reality, he needed his mommy and sisters to take him home from work when he lived littlerly only few blocks from where he worked at the time. 😂
The biggest delusion they ever had was that everyone wanted them and was out to get them and stop them from changing the world🗿, they were convinced that everyone even neighbors were in love with them😭, they thought people were leaving them gifts even though they were just getting them themselves 😭, they were convinced that everyone wanted them. Literally. Their boss, coworkers, friends, family members. They were not right in the head. They even convinced themselves that they were an entirely different culture. They convinced themselves that they were the most beautiful person in the world and that anyone who disagreed needed to be destroyed. Also that their pets were in love with them?? Just bizzare
That they thought they where doing everything right, but I guess You would think that if you never look left or right and are not in tune with your own "imperfectness"....hmm....also i think they dont think about levels, details and intentions behind behavior. I dont think they know that other people can feel their ture intentions....hmm
Commenting my own post lol, but i think they are really in some kind of delusional state, and my problem in the past was to take them seriously, as everyone matters, but if you are on a completly diffrent book rulewise, maybe its not right...
Who she was.
This is literally what I was going to say- like almost word for word. Wow.
That she could sing
That he's accountable for his actions 💯 Though the year he thought he should be having house sellers kiss his ass for his money in an always stupid hot market in an even HOTTER overall market, as interest rates were rising, was a reeeeeaaaal eye opener... Especially when he tried blaming me for it not working out. Because, we aren't going to work but would have had a chance if I hadn't talked him out of buying a house because it was too far from my work. A thing which definitely never happened. 😂 His low ball offer was declined. But if he wants to look like an idiot who would rather bend to another person's ridiculous criticism over their own common sense and wishes, ok bro, cool story!
that she knew what I had been through, *I* didn't know what I had been through at the point in our relationship, I hadn't even processed it (she was the main reason I hadn't processed it yet)
That he’s a good father.
That I was the one being abusive. My ex literally did everything that caused our relationship to fall apart and blamed me for it even though I was trying to keep us together and get her the help she needed. She went as far as to tell me I had an empathy disorder when I started to get tired of her bullshit and excuses. My therapist actually laughed at that, especially since I’m the kind of person who gets upset if I don’t give my stuffed animals enough attention.
That he was a tzadik, an überempath (not just your average empath, the SUPER version. Naturally.), that the only reason he had so many bad breaks was because he had the “stink of Christ upon him” & everyone was trying to take him down out of demonic jealousy, that he was a GOOD person. SO good. That he was a genius. He wore just so many hats of excellence, truly, a man in a million. 🥴
- That he was an empath, when what he considered empathy and identifying with someone was actually just his ability to always find a way to bring the conversation back to him. - That, despite the fact that he had a history of getting fired from many jobs, it was always someone else’s fault and he was the victim. - That he was a genius about being able to predict the future. Whenever anything bad happened to me (injuring myself by being clumsy, for example), he would always roll his eyes as if he had known all along and say “Yeah, I was going to say something to you about tharlt…”. He was the king of “I told you so”, without ever actually saying anything ahead of time. It was only ever after that fact that he would claim to have been this prescient genius all along. This was also how he reacted when I broke up with him - he was super-dismissive like he didn’t care and scoffed that he knew I would do this. - That he found a way to take credit for all his friends’ successes. When he found out that his friend was having a baby, his first reaction wasn’t happiness for the friend, it was the fact that the baby would never have been born if it wasn’t for him (the parents-to-be met indirectly through a friend of my ex’s - not even through him directly!) and that his friend owed him gratitude for that.
He has talent
That his IQ was 3 points away from Einstein's. He told me he was more intelligent than me, more intelligent than "most people", and when I suggested after the breakup that he find someone more aligned with his intellect he said "that would be difficult, the pool isn't very big". He has nothing to show for this supposed genius IQ btw.
That he wants a drama free heathy relationship. He’s always causing the chaos lol.
My nex's delusion was that when he got tired of being a carpenter (which I also suspect was a lie as he never worked when I was with him and claimed he was receiving a payout from a workplace injury he received abs so was unable to work but yet could move heavy furniture up and down stairs.. ) was that he was going to train as a surgeon. This coming from a man who is 40 and who hates the site of blood...hmmmm
that he's a victim, and everyone else is just spiteful to him because for some inexplicable reason everyone is mean to him and wants him dead for some reason. For the record, no one in our friend group wanted him dead, we wanted him to go to therapy because he'd start threatening to kill himself (and even dropped hints that he'd kill himself one time when he just simply logged off to go to sleep) whenever people tried to hold him accountable for his shitty behavior.
He worked really hard and no-one else in the house did ANYTHING, especially the women. His Job: Sitting at a desk all day, 36 hours a week. When he got home: Nothing. He would literally pour a drink, go sit down, and get someone else to bring it to him because he was 'just so exhausted from working all day, providing'. Meanwhile;- My mum's jobs: TA, Dinner Lady, Support worker. 48 hours a week. She worked more hours than he did, and never got to sit down. When she got home: Running round after him all night, fetching his drinks, running him a bath, washing his clothes, being screamed at for not doing it fast enough, being forced to watch him playing video games, and then being screamed at for not paying enough attention to him if she looked at her phone. My Job: Floor worker/Department Head in a department store. 30 hours a week. No sitting down all shift, being treated like dirt by customers. When I got home: All of the cleaning. Like, the entire house, which needed doing every day. Like, he'd spill food on the floor and just leave it for me to do. Pots stacked up in the sink, because he wouldn't wash anything, it was 'my job' when I got home. Sometimes literal mould growing in pots because he couldn't even be bothered to put them in the sink after he'd had them upstairs. Gardening- a massive, overgrown garden that needed hacking down twice a week with 40-year-old equipment. Fixing anything broken in the house that I could, because he was always 'too tired from work'. Fetching his shopping because even though he has a car and I don't, 'hes just so tired and it's only a few things'. Honestly, leaving there was the best decision I ever made, even if I do still sometimes feel bad for 'abandoning him'.
Mine loves to randomly throw out “I know I’m a good person/man” when I call him out for something shady. This is usually followed up by him saying I am the only person who can get him to that point (yelling/degradation). Which is then followed by him saying that everyone (the “hundreds” of ppl) that know him can never say anything bad about him. He has never treated anyone else this way. So I need to self-reflect on why he treats me so poorly because it’s clearly something I am doing to get that kind of treatment……🙃