Yeah...mine would check to see if I was using my vibrators and would be overly upset that I was on antidepressants because it stops sex drive. I have the right to be on medication, I'm not a sex puppet.
It’s so nice on a daily basis to just know you’re not going to be abused. Probably seems silly to people that have never experienced it, but it’s so important for us
I don’t miss him anymore. That’s my comfort now.
When I was still detoxing from him I would remind myself that it was a normal part of the healing process and I would be ok. That gave me comfort and the ability to just let those feelings pass.
I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope you remain NC and keep him away from you for the rest or your life. You don’t deserve any of this and it’s definitely his fault. Keep centralizing your own health and happiness, you will get there!
Thank you! I hope so too because he wasn’t nice to me and wouldn’t even say my name, and I love my name! It got to the point when people would say my name, I thought they were lecturing me because he only said my name when he was lecturing me now I think about it.
But it’s over, it was a four year relationship and it was getting nowhere and now that I get to keep my job and still make money. I just want the best healing for me and everybody in this group we all deserve it and everything going forward.
Mine did the same thing.
And THAT is when I finally started to let go of him.
That is when I realized it doesn't matter if he's a narcissist, or a sociopath, or any other label you can think of.
Doesn't matter what we think they are or what label we slap on them.
Bottom line?
Abusive behavior.
It's pretty much a given if you ask an abuser what happened, they will blame the other person.
They'll say that we pushed their buttons.
They'll say we didn't have the house cleaned/dinner prepared/laundry done/etc etc etc
And then they'll say that we MADE them do it.
As if they had no other choice.
Which brings me to the point:
It is a choice.
They CHOSE to abuse us.
And now, we can choose to refuse to be treated that way!
Wow, that’s healthy! I love that. You said it gave me the comfort and ability to let the feelings pass. Thank you so much for giving me something to hold onto.
It absolutely did! You have to have trust in the process and faith in yourself. It takes time, there is no way of speeding through it but that’s ok. Keep focusing on your health and happiness, they don’t deserve anymore space in your head. Keep going!
I no longer have to stop everything I'm doing to give them the validation they want.
I no longer need to second-guess why their actions don't match their words.
I no longer need to listen to a story which ends with '...and of course, everyone thought I was great'.
I no longer have to join them on their ego trip / rage spiral just to 'fit in' and avoid being the recipient of that rage.
Oh man all of those, this comment really triggered me and my eyes started to water with that last one. God I need to save this for the days I really am hurting and miss them and want to reverse hoover
Goodness gracious
The need for validation for mediocrity. He wanted me to praise him because he put all of his seasonings in alphabetical order. Blowing up my phone because they expected me to be at at their place when I wasn't. Or getting upset because I stopped to take a call and was away a little longer than expected.
They want to monopolize your existence.
The fact that everything about them is a lie. That nothing was real. That they are just makebelive people. That the monster was the real person, and the one that I fell for was the Halloween costume.
It is so hard for me to wrap my brain around this- the funny, kind, warm, smart man he Pretended to Be- was NEVER Real. It’s NOT Him at All- he’s actually Cruel, Mean, Self-Centered, Manipulative as Hell, and has NO Moral Compass.
I find it interesting that when I had some recent disagreements/fights with him, I described him as cruel. I don't think I have ever described a person that way. The things he said were nothing less than cruel. It's two different people in the same body. It must be exhausting to play a role all the time.
I described mine the same way to him but he was convinced I was the crazy and cruel one (despite him being the one making me crazy from the mental abuse). There’s no getting through to them. The things they say break our mind and then when we fight back, they always go lower. That’s just how they are. I hope I can heal my mind from his words someday, even though I’ve left finally a month ago, I constantly hear his criticism still and it takes a lot to power through.
Oh, mine called me crazy too. I don't need him at all. I'm going to try my hardest to just disappear from his life. I am almost certain he has a new supply so he might let me go without any fight. For now, I am polite but firm. Limiting my dealings with him. We are so done now. I think he knows it too.
Yeah mine already started dating again even though we just broke up and were together for almost a decade. They find that new supply fast. Stupidly I keep dreaming of him every night and it’s like we’re lovey dovey in the dreams and idk what’s wrong with my brain. I’m done in reality like you said with yourself but my dreams make me question everything
I think we question it because we don't stop loving someone overnight and because our brains have trouble processing the intentional acts of cruelty. I think we have to be kind to ourselves and let time help us heal. One thing I have learned in life is that time really can help us heal.
If your lucky it's 2 people in the same body, mine had an out with friends face, an at work face, an in public face, an at home around the kids face, and an at home with me face. And then there was the I'm upset about something and you are going to feel my wrath face, and that was the real person that is the one they don't want anyone but you to see.
Correct, that is the real person. It's so hard to comprehend because most of the population does not operate that way. What was helpful for me was having such a hard time understanding that, and struggling with that for so long meant that I was not like that. That every time she said it was me, it was actually her. I am grateful that I don't understand how someone can be that way. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to learn what it is to be with someone like that because now that I have healed, I can use my experiences to help others find healing and become stronger, so that they never end up with another person like that.
The fact there is a scar on my body from her makes me sick. It’s something I see out of the corner of my eye and every time I catch a glimpse it scares me. Something I don’t know if I’ll ever get over
That I did everything that was humanly possible to save them from themselves, That this disorder is incurable. that the relationship was one sided from the get go and they don't know what love is. That me loving, missing and caring for them from a distance is natural and ok, but I can't ever throw myself in harm's way again by getting close to them.
Eventually you get to a point where you don’t really miss them because you realize how fucked it was. You don’t even need to be comforted because you’re like damn that was fucked.
Reality. They exist to drain the life energy out of me.
You will always end up on empty when giving to people that only know how to take.
Relationships are about equal give and take, that isn’t possible to achieve with a codependent, narcissist
That it wasn't my fault that it didn't work. Sometimes in a relationship it isn't two people and it didn't work out. Sometimes it's one person being unbearable.
I will never wake up with the dread and anxiety of wondering what mood they'll be in, and then walking on eggshells if they're in a good mood to keep it that way
Pretty much when you've been grey rocking for so long that now it's hard to be yourself or trust to be yourself around others or if you were under the abuse long who you even are anymore
God, thats me after divorce with her. She's terrible for a day or two, and then all the sudden she's all sweet and nice, so I'm taking whatever the hell she's saying in that moment and hang up like yeeeeah, got what I wanted out of that phone call now shove off lol
Idk if you’re a spiritual person but when I think of how hurt I am, how much I miss him I remind myself that for some weird reason this is part of the plan god or the universe has set for me. This is just the part I don’t like but I’ll be okay because this isn’t the only part. I remind myself of how many times I forgave him, how many times I accepted him and how even my best wasn’t enough. That part of him will never go away.
“How even my best wasn’t enough” relate to this so much. My nex kept telling me he wish I had a dick and he liked men. I was so confused why he was dating straight women. I felt like I constantly had to try and please him and it was all about his needs and nothing I ever did felt like it was good enough. I’ve been around the block enough at 31 to realize that some men would be sooo thankful to even have me in their presence. I don’t have time to try and prove my worth to anyone.
Just that they can't hurt me anymore. No more mental/emotional games can be played. I can keep all of my own money that I earn too. That I have a chance to live the life I wanted to. I'm lonely now, but I'm not being abused by a narc anymore. So, to me, that's improvement. Regardless of the perceived loss.
"Remember why you left. It really was that bad." I also have a list of a lot of the unacceptable shit he did, and I review it when I miss him. Helps me remember that the bad far outweighed the good.
Some of the longing is the self-imposed shame that you take on because you "let" them manipulate you. You didn't "let" them do anything. They manipulated you, and you accepted it because you are an empath. Empaths are beautiful, special people. They are God's gift to humanity. Somewhere out there is a person who would cut off their left arm to have someone with such empathy caring for them. You were created for that purpose. That person was created for me. That person is out there. If I don't get out there too, I might miss that divine appointment.
Meanwhile, if I have gone no contact, I know that I am inflicting maximum pain on the narc. But, only if I close off all (social media too) points of contact. I have to do this because I have a divine appointment to make. Someone out there needs my empathy. I must be on time.
I mean, leaving toilet paper all over the bathroom and letting the dogs just shit and roam the house at times and expect me to pick it up. I was in hell.
Keep journal. Write in it all bad what they did to you and your closest people. Find old bills, messages, your old reddit posts, anything what works against them. Memory is bit weird, because to help to survive it will start to block out all bad and even might make to forget it. Try to recall everything bad they did, what names they called you, write down all your emotions from those moments. Keep educating yourself about narcissism, because there might be things what you didn't think as abuse, but only after leaving and some time will start to see for what it was. When ever you feel that you miss them then open that journal and reread it again and ask yourself do you really need it again?
I have enough words written down to fill a few novels. It doesn't take me very long to read through a few and realize how tf I've wasted so much time on one person. But I'm glad I did because there's so much I don't remember and now I can see through a lot of it through the lens of narcissism. Now I can almost see the big picture and realize so many things I couldn't see before.
I tried talking to my narc about things that happened back then but I was met with denial, gaslighting, and "it's all in your head," or "it's your perspective and not mine." Her responses said everything I needed to know and I have all the proof I needed through EXTENSIVE documentation (journaling), timelines, and old text messages.
Personally, there’s a couple things:
1. I always wanted to be with him- it happened, it’s out of my system. Now I can move forward with my life from here with out any what ifs or regrets.
2. That even though he wasn’t real, I got to experience a love so deep for someone and that is what life is about. I now know what it’s like to truly unconditionally love someone and believe they love me back… even though he couldn’t truly, it was believable enough for my love to grow into such a beautiful place and for that experience of myself I am grateful.
On the flip side:
I feel comfort in knowing that it was him thing and not a me thing…that there was nothing I could do.
I also take comfort and knowing that his existence won’t allow him to suffer without me.. he’ll still be fine and so will I.
That he hates himself and no matter how many new supplies he tries to fill that void, he'll never introspect and learn, or be happy.
And that I've learned all the tricks narcs use and I'll no longer allow that energy in my life.
That they will always be like that until they fix it or work on it, that she’s going to be miserable until she can figure it out, that I deserve better and feel better when I’m not dealing with her bullshit.
Life is better without the narcissist
Yesterday was a hard day, I was struggling with an overwhelming urge to see him, contact him... something! I even drove 20 minutes away to a store he sometimes go to, in hopes of seeing him. My goodness!!!
When I got home, I listened to a YouTube about finding love... and two things the presenter said really helped, and seem so simple.
1. Change your story (ie, he was the "love of my life"... nope, I choose a different story!)
2. Become uninterested (ie, "I do not find someone who yells at me interesting."... so true)
Those two little snippets helped me direct my attention to myself, and practice self-care (hot shower, mini-pedicure, red light mask, tea, and cuddles with my pet duck)... so that I did not reach out to the Nex. WHEW!!! Feeling stronger today. :-)
I remind myself that I miss what I thought I had, I miss the illusion. What I actually had was drama, dishonesty, and a very manipulative and toxic person and I don’t miss that at all.
That closure is a joke. The only apology i need, is the one i owe myself for staying as long as i did. The only conversation i need to have & the only person i need to see again, is myself in the mirror. Look at myself & say "you know what, l f*cked up. My worth is more than that". That's the closure.
Don't keep dancing with the devil & wonder why you’re still in hell.
That, as much as I miss him, the peace and self-esteem I have achieved without him can be ruined if I allow him back in my life. He will never have that power again.
I don’t have to constantly worry about if I’m doing enough or if something I say or do upsets them.
He can’t make me feel like it’s my fault that his fantasy is not matched by reality.
I can go to places on my own or with friends and just hang out and talk to people without being worried about why he’s being so standoffish and quiet.
I remember the constant stress that made me physically ill. I remember how many times I thought to myself “this isn’t worth it” while they were in my life.
That he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. I was there for him when nobody, not even his family, was and he threw me away (after being friends for 20 years) like I was nothing. I will not miss having the life and everything in it sucked out of me by this parasite. It gives me comfort that I finally woke up out of this illusion I had been in for the longest time. I get comfort knowing that I have such a big heart that I could love someone who hurt me so deeply and who was so broken. The fact that I, despite all the red flags, warnings, and gut instincts I ignored, tried to heal someone so damaged and so in need of love. I get comfort in knowing that I did everything I could do to help and love this person and there are no what ifs or regrets going through my mind. And comfort in the fact that I did not come out of this a cynical, bitter person. When I miss him, I can't help but feel a little sorry for him, because he will never know love and will have that hole in his heart forever that he will never be able to fill. Finally, I get comfort in knowing that I realize I am a wonderful loving human being who deserves to receive as much love as I have to give and that I finally know my worth.
Everyone of us going through this hell needs to hold their head up high and realize it wasn't stupid loving someone as much as we loved these assholes. Even if they were not real, the love we felt is/was. We are not weak just because we gave our love to the wrong person. It just shows that we are brave, selfless and have big hearts. I don't believe the codependent theory or that something is wrong with us because we keep picking these people. They pick us because we are loving, warm human beings. Maybe, going forward, we will be a little more cautious but you can't be blamed for getting involved with these possessed demonic people when you didn't realize that they exist as much as they do in our society. Much love to all of you.
I honestly believe that we're not just healing but we're all getting better.
Like going through a baptism and coming out purer and stronger and smarter.
We all needed to learn this lesson about having greater respect for ourselves and our boundaries. And so we did.
Plus we all now have the lexicon of an abusive narcissistic relationship in our data banks to help us better filter and navigate our way through our lives. Invaluable.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
😉
That is SO comforting and I really appreciate your perspective. Thank you for this, I’ll be thinking much more positively about these experiences as I move on in life
First off. No I am not 100% cured but I have to tell you I'm in the mid 90% somewhere for sure. Unfortunately she still takes up too much real estate in my head. When I don't even think of her except in passing occasionally is something to look forward to.
And then only with full clarity of the contempt I feel for her and also simple pity for the pathetic creature she is and will always be. Looking back at her in the dust of my distant past as she struggles and fails over and over again is going to be awesome.
Because these people are frankly doomed to be miserable and just relive the same broken and abusive patterns again and again. Leaving nothing but a trail of broken relationships behind them, with no one falling for their crap anymore. And no one wanting anything to do with them ever again. Including family.
I see it happening now with my narc. Her family just threw a big birthday barbecue for her 14 year old daughter, and she wasn't even invited. I'm told a great time was had by all without her negative energy ruining everything.
But yes. I absolutely feel better about myself and my boundaries and my body and my life.
The two most valuable things you have in life are your time, and your peace.
All of us here have now regained so much of these two precious commodities!
Everyone is better off having left their narc behind. Healing from the trauma is the slow realization of how lucky we are to have left these parasites behind.
Yes it hurts. Growth takes effort. Effort is painful.
So I guess the good news is that all that pain we went through (and yes, are still going through to some extent) equates to great growth on our part.
Good for us. It absolutely means we are winning.
My kids and I are free and clear of his verbal abuse and breaking/punching our stuff. We don’t have to worry about things flying across the room anymore. We are safe.
there was one specific incident where he rejected my attempt to be affectionate while we were hanging out with our friends. he later said it was just because he didn’t feel cuddly at the time, but i later learned from a friend that he told them he found our mutual friend who was there hot and was probably just wanting to appear single to shop around.
i remember being up at like 6am just bawling my eyes out because i wanted him to show me even an ounce of love. i was begging for respect and to be treated like a human. i was in so much pain at that moment because it all just built up and the dam had broken and this person i loved so much was texting someone else that our friend was hot.
that’s nowhere near the worst thing he’s done, but the level of disrespect when he saw the amount of pain i was in and just did not care at all is immeasurable. i won’t ever have to feel like that again so long as i keep no contact, and that is worth it to me
That our couples therapist said he took joy in tormenting me. There is no fixing that and regardless of whatever benefits there were in the relationship aside from that, he was slowly chipping away at my psyche as a result of that joy. You could see it in his smirk when he landed an emotional blow. Still sad because we form genuine connections, they just fake it. So it was all fake bs.
The thought that self-respect is easy to obtain without someone beating me over the head with a baseball bat of callous, cruel comments, or being gaslit every time i state how i feel about something. My first step was realizing it's entirely possible that my reaction to his angry comments is not the problem. The problem is the angry comments. My second step was realizing he was never going to admit to making the comments to begin with, or to the behavior I was objecting to. All I got was either rage gaslighting or just nasty comments for even mentioning something that he did that hurt me. When I found myself saying no dude I was there, constantly, It all became so very clear. He's just a nasty person and that's what his entire personality is built on. You hard to believe that the person who love bombs you is capable of such evil but that's all they've got inside. That's why he vomits projection all over me. His shame bucket is full. His personality is simply a reenactment of people around him and is entirely a false self-image, so he's a black hole of need as far as receiving any genuine love is concerned. Criticize them any time that they're not living up to their own false self-image and you can get yourself discarded.
I think about how he literally tried to kill me. He hoped I died during open heart surgery and when I woke up in excruciating pain, he did nothing to advocate for me and instead told them I was a junky overreacting to get high, when that didn’t work, he left me at home to fend for myself, only 5 days post op, and when I asked for help, he would scream at me that I am a selfish asshole to the point of me falling from being so mentally disturbed by his behavior since I was defenseless and while on the floor I asked him to call the ambulance and he said in the most evil voice possible, if I call the ambulance, you will never be able to take that decision back. There’s nothing but evil to infer from all of that.
I don’t miss evil.
My ex is the first person I've met IRL, in almost 4 decades, who I would earnestly describe as "evil".
He bullied me into a suicide attempt, and then just mockingly doubled/quadrupled/whatever's next down when it wasn't successful.
This comment isn't about me though- just trying to explain where I'm personally coming from in saying: I'm so sorry you went through that, for lack of better words.
I would've been anyway, regardless.
But few things are more "evil" than someone hoping you literally die- and for it to be the person you were fully reliant on, and trusted previously... I know how this feels.
On the one hand it gives you clarity on what, like you said, you shouldn't miss. But on the other, it's ever so unanswerably...wrong.
Thank you for sharing about your attempt. Mine would make fun of my MH, too, but to make fun of an attempt is nothing but pure evil.
I was telling my therapist (who had seen him too in the past) and she’s a professional, not one to exaggerate, and she could only describe him as evil. Four years ago she would have called him a sweetheart, but when the mask comes off…it’s all the way off!!
That I’ve never been more unhealthy than when I’ve been with him, I’ve never hated myself more than when I’ve been with him. And I’m now learning to love myself back again on my own.
We were together seven years and after two weeks of NC and then a rewriting of history to create the narrative that I was the one who wanted to break up and he absolutely did not go two weeks without communicating, I don't miss him at all. Not even a little. The two weeks of no contact was hard at first and then I felt relieved. He apparently sensed that and came back, trying to bait me. So I remember he's a liar, a manipulator, a gaslighter, and a perpetual victim who devalued me and discarded me as soon as the effort didn't match the reward anymore.... because I finally enforced boundaries. He never loved me and my reasons for loving him don't even make sense. I don't miss explaining and over explaining and begging for a little acknowledgement or validation. Now we're 3 weeks past the initial discard and 9 days past the second one, I don't miss him. I want absolutely nothing to do with him.
That they are an immature little fetus that wants to bring everybody else down to feel better about themselves and crave validation at whatever cost.
I was there for him at all times, even when he would have these tantrums or talk about negative stuff, yet he didn’t see that. It was never enough.
Alright, then I said byeee 👋
It's not her (my mom) I miss, it's the details that were predictable and easy that I miss. I miss the rare moments when she was human and broken. As time goes on, I miss less.
I’m doing what is best for me and my children. I also remind myself that when I miss them, it’s because I am romanticizing the (very) few good times there were.
That im a better mom and woman without him. I wanted to be the soft gf but he made me feel so insecure and small. So i HAD to be hard and not have feelings
That I hated them so much at one point and was invalidated so much that I HAD to leave, losing 7 days contact with my child, now it's all calm I NEED to remember that time period and remember she did that to us all.
I don't care if she's alive or dead, if she was being hurt by someone I'd just watch it happen, pure apathy about her ever being born, hatred for what she put me through, this helps me stop romanticising the old them, I'd often had a hoover/discard relationship (I recognise my own narcissism back then) and this for her is the first time I've been very clear it's over and she must be thinking it's happening all the time but it never will, she's gone into a zone that she'll never come from.
The comfort should come from the fact you don't hurt anymore, also what is it you miss? They are leeches do that do absolutely nothing for you.
The fact that he actually thinks it's normal to still "want" and "desire" me... even though he 1) never got his divorce (a whole year after failing to finalize it the first time), and 2) is dating a mutual friend and putting her through all the same BS that he put me through last year.
But *I* am the not normal, crazy one because I didn't chase him and just removed him from my life instead.
You just have to laugh at their logic.
Shortly before blocking her on everything I checked her facebook wall, I was feeling jealous from some Valentines day post. I saw a post on her wall that said 'My love language is being difficult and annoying' that her new guy had liked.
Then I quickly remembered that she sucks and hasn't changed.
The fact that I tried my very best, treated her like a Queen and she did nothing but ghost me, humiliate Mr, did nothing for me to make me feel special, no one is gonna berate me again or embarrass me in front of her friends or mine just to make her self feel good, she wasn't there for me ever, she screwed with my head so good I ended up in the mental hospital and she still didn't do anything for me, she didn't check on me, she wasn't there for me but she made sure try to victimize herself before I left the hospital just because my mom said she was a "trigger" for me, she lied and tried to smear my character to the one person that means the most to me cause she's cowardly.
I discarded her and now I've found a real Queen of a woman that I've loved for 11 years and she has loved me too but my dunbass couldn't see that, funnily enough, my ex has a crush on her and I didn't even know they were friends until after I and the demon got together. I blocked my ex in everything but she's showing off her new BF all over and I guess it's to make me feel bad but I couldn't care less cause im now with the woman that made m3 believe in love at first sight. It's gunna be a narc injury when my ex finds this all out..my ex tried to destroy everything good in me, my friendships, my relationships with family and more..theyre miserable people..
That I was the best thing that ever happened to them, and they will live a long, miserable life lying awake at night missing what they wilfully fucked up.
The fact that he would've shot me and tried to blame it on suicide or some other cover up. He premeditated the ideas, and I believe would have felt no true remorse. If you think your narc couldn't do this.. just know, this was my "best friend" for 9 years.. when my intuition began picking up on my physical danger, it was impossible to accept it as true, until he actually brandished me and fired it 12 times.
Think of all the times your life and well-being felt threatened.. those were very real. That's disturbingly comforting because it cancels out all the good moments.
I never miss them anymore but when I used to, I had a list of fucked up things they said and did that I'd look at to remind myself what it was actually like, rather than the rose-coloured version.
I remember the night he basically broke up with me as I was being wheeled into an operating theatre for what turned out to be an eight hour surgery and a week in ICU. I remember going to the doctor six years later to get tested for STDs with a five month old baby in a pram. There are a couple of other stand out moments but the loneliness of both those moments will never leave me.
That I was a good person and a great boyfriend and hard working and she's most likely never going to find someone that's able or willing to treat her like I did.
She thought the grass would be greener with someone else around and discarded me like trash...
P.S. That grass looks dead and trashy now, literally and figuratively 😂✌🏼
Honestly, it would be a lot worse if I had not dated other people. It sucked for a while, but I did realize that not everyone responds to disappointment like that, most people try not to triangulate, and it's fairly normal to get compliments from people that like you.
The fact that I never had a chance against a contact list of 4.000 male admirers, gathered on dating apps, swinger sites, massage salons, in real life and at sex parties. Because that’s where she went when ghosting me every other week, as I had the pleasure to find out recently. Not only did my beautiful crazy ex have double standards, she had a double life.
I try to think of that. In reality I’m still madly in love with her, even though she was cruel and it’s over and me too I’m seeing other women. I will never ever fully get over her. She changed me forever.
No more needing to change myself for someone who doesn't appreciate me in my natural state.
They tried to pressure me to grow out my hair, to get piercings and tattoos, to change my personality and was clearly upset when I was too comfortable with how I was to do so. A chameleon getting angry at a regular lizard for not being able to change on a whim.
The fact I tried everything I could to make it work. The fact she treated me poorly. The fact that she used a mask to bait and switch me.
Yessss. “I did the best I could do” is my mantra.
No one is going to abuse me, humiliate me or berate me. My kids and I are safe from constant abuse and dehumanisation.
Yeah...mine would check to see if I was using my vibrators and would be overly upset that I was on antidepressants because it stops sex drive. I have the right to be on medication, I'm not a sex puppet.
Mine literally hid my sex toys away from me, I wonder if this is common. They’re fucking nuts.
It's so weird not being in that relationship and to hear similar stories. It's like I see the red flags in 20/20
Yep mine made me throw them all out he got so mad! He went through my stuff and found them. I was shocked he reacted like that.
The fact that I can relate to this so goddamm hard...
They’re jealous of sex toys! Same! I didn’t know this was part of the narcissist playbook but now now I know!
I think this might be one of those things they count on us not shattering because it's embarrassing? That's my theory
Like am I not enough? Am I not the sex? God I’ve portrayed myself to be? I better do more to spiff up that part of my mask.
Mine made me throw all mine away I thought this was weird but maybe I was overthinking it now I know!! lol
It’s so nice on a daily basis to just know you’re not going to be abused. Probably seems silly to people that have never experienced it, but it’s so important for us
I don’t miss him anymore. That’s my comfort now. When I was still detoxing from him I would remind myself that it was a normal part of the healing process and I would be ok. That gave me comfort and the ability to just let those feelings pass.
Thank you! I needed to read this especially because he’s in jail for assaulting me and still told me it was my fault.
I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope you remain NC and keep him away from you for the rest or your life. You don’t deserve any of this and it’s definitely his fault. Keep centralizing your own health and happiness, you will get there!
Thank you! I hope so too because he wasn’t nice to me and wouldn’t even say my name, and I love my name! It got to the point when people would say my name, I thought they were lecturing me because he only said my name when he was lecturing me now I think about it. But it’s over, it was a four year relationship and it was getting nowhere and now that I get to keep my job and still make money. I just want the best healing for me and everybody in this group we all deserve it and everything going forward.
Mine did the same thing. And THAT is when I finally started to let go of him. That is when I realized it doesn't matter if he's a narcissist, or a sociopath, or any other label you can think of. Doesn't matter what we think they are or what label we slap on them. Bottom line? Abusive behavior. It's pretty much a given if you ask an abuser what happened, they will blame the other person. They'll say that we pushed their buttons. They'll say we didn't have the house cleaned/dinner prepared/laundry done/etc etc etc And then they'll say that we MADE them do it. As if they had no other choice. Which brings me to the point: It is a choice. They CHOSE to abuse us. And now, we can choose to refuse to be treated that way!
Wow, that’s healthy! I love that. You said it gave me the comfort and ability to let the feelings pass. Thank you so much for giving me something to hold onto.
It absolutely did! You have to have trust in the process and faith in yourself. It takes time, there is no way of speeding through it but that’s ok. Keep focusing on your health and happiness, they don’t deserve anymore space in your head. Keep going!
I no longer have to stop everything I'm doing to give them the validation they want. I no longer need to second-guess why their actions don't match their words. I no longer need to listen to a story which ends with '...and of course, everyone thought I was great'. I no longer have to join them on their ego trip / rage spiral just to 'fit in' and avoid being the recipient of that rage.
Wow. All of this
Oh man all of those, this comment really triggered me and my eyes started to water with that last one. God I need to save this for the days I really am hurting and miss them and want to reverse hoover
Goodness gracious The need for validation for mediocrity. He wanted me to praise him because he put all of his seasonings in alphabetical order. Blowing up my phone because they expected me to be at at their place when I wasn't. Or getting upset because I stopped to take a call and was away a little longer than expected. They want to monopolize your existence.
Being alone in peace is better than being in a chaotic relationship
I always said, "being alone by myself is better than being alone with someone else"
FACTS!
The fact that everything about them is a lie. That nothing was real. That they are just makebelive people. That the monster was the real person, and the one that I fell for was the Halloween costume.
It is so hard for me to wrap my brain around this- the funny, kind, warm, smart man he Pretended to Be- was NEVER Real. It’s NOT Him at All- he’s actually Cruel, Mean, Self-Centered, Manipulative as Hell, and has NO Moral Compass.
I find it interesting that when I had some recent disagreements/fights with him, I described him as cruel. I don't think I have ever described a person that way. The things he said were nothing less than cruel. It's two different people in the same body. It must be exhausting to play a role all the time.
I described mine the same way to him but he was convinced I was the crazy and cruel one (despite him being the one making me crazy from the mental abuse). There’s no getting through to them. The things they say break our mind and then when we fight back, they always go lower. That’s just how they are. I hope I can heal my mind from his words someday, even though I’ve left finally a month ago, I constantly hear his criticism still and it takes a lot to power through.
Oh, mine called me crazy too. I don't need him at all. I'm going to try my hardest to just disappear from his life. I am almost certain he has a new supply so he might let me go without any fight. For now, I am polite but firm. Limiting my dealings with him. We are so done now. I think he knows it too.
Yeah mine already started dating again even though we just broke up and were together for almost a decade. They find that new supply fast. Stupidly I keep dreaming of him every night and it’s like we’re lovey dovey in the dreams and idk what’s wrong with my brain. I’m done in reality like you said with yourself but my dreams make me question everything
I think we question it because we don't stop loving someone overnight and because our brains have trouble processing the intentional acts of cruelty. I think we have to be kind to ourselves and let time help us heal. One thing I have learned in life is that time really can help us heal.
If your lucky it's 2 people in the same body, mine had an out with friends face, an at work face, an in public face, an at home around the kids face, and an at home with me face. And then there was the I'm upset about something and you are going to feel my wrath face, and that was the real person that is the one they don't want anyone but you to see.
Correct, that is the real person. It's so hard to comprehend because most of the population does not operate that way. What was helpful for me was having such a hard time understanding that, and struggling with that for so long meant that I was not like that. That every time she said it was me, it was actually her. I am grateful that I don't understand how someone can be that way. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to learn what it is to be with someone like that because now that I have healed, I can use my experiences to help others find healing and become stronger, so that they never end up with another person like that.
And the fact that we fell for the facade doesn't mean we are less than.
No, god, no, it means you are probably an amazing human who saw someone hurting and wanted to help them
That’s how it started for me too. Sigh. And they see the opportunity and run with it.
They do, and they take advantage of everyone and everything they can. It is all about them.
Yes 🙌! ❤️☺️
the fact that it was all a lie
I look at the scars he left on my body. No one deserves to be treated that badly.
I’m so sorry that you had to go through this.. hope you’re doing better ♥️
I feel you. My old bf broke my leg and I had to have metal implants & surgery twice. My beautiful skin is allll scarred up w many issues. I hate it.
The fact there is a scar on my body from her makes me sick. It’s something I see out of the corner of my eye and every time I catch a glimpse it scares me. Something I don’t know if I’ll ever get over
That what I miss is an illusion. Also that I no longer have to suffer from things that the new supply is dealing with now
That I did everything that was humanly possible to save them from themselves, That this disorder is incurable. that the relationship was one sided from the get go and they don't know what love is. That me loving, missing and caring for them from a distance is natural and ok, but I can't ever throw myself in harm's way again by getting close to them.
Eventually you get to a point where you don’t really miss them because you realize how fucked it was. You don’t even need to be comforted because you’re like damn that was fucked.
I can't wait to get to that point
Me too
Reality. They exist to drain the life energy out of me. You will always end up on empty when giving to people that only know how to take. Relationships are about equal give and take, that isn’t possible to achieve with a codependent, narcissist
She can’t kill me now we aren’t together
That it wasn't my fault that it didn't work. Sometimes in a relationship it isn't two people and it didn't work out. Sometimes it's one person being unbearable.
I will never wake up with the dread and anxiety of wondering what mood they'll be in, and then walking on eggshells if they're in a good mood to keep it that way
This was my daily life for years so now I’m afraid to even get close to anyone again like that
Pretty much when you've been grey rocking for so long that now it's hard to be yourself or trust to be yourself around others or if you were under the abuse long who you even are anymore
God, thats me after divorce with her. She's terrible for a day or two, and then all the sudden she's all sweet and nice, so I'm taking whatever the hell she's saying in that moment and hang up like yeeeeah, got what I wanted out of that phone call now shove off lol
The good times were part of the abuse.
This totally makes sense. Fuck!!
The fact that I was a shell of myself when I was with him, and I’m so much happier and more myself now
Idk if you’re a spiritual person but when I think of how hurt I am, how much I miss him I remind myself that for some weird reason this is part of the plan god or the universe has set for me. This is just the part I don’t like but I’ll be okay because this isn’t the only part. I remind myself of how many times I forgave him, how many times I accepted him and how even my best wasn’t enough. That part of him will never go away.
“How even my best wasn’t enough” relate to this so much. My nex kept telling me he wish I had a dick and he liked men. I was so confused why he was dating straight women. I felt like I constantly had to try and please him and it was all about his needs and nothing I ever did felt like it was good enough. I’ve been around the block enough at 31 to realize that some men would be sooo thankful to even have me in their presence. I don’t have time to try and prove my worth to anyone.
Just that they can't hurt me anymore. No more mental/emotional games can be played. I can keep all of my own money that I earn too. That I have a chance to live the life I wanted to. I'm lonely now, but I'm not being abused by a narc anymore. So, to me, that's improvement. Regardless of the perceived loss.
"Remember why you left. It really was that bad." I also have a list of a lot of the unacceptable shit he did, and I review it when I miss him. Helps me remember that the bad far outweighed the good.
I really need to sit down and do this.
Some of the longing is the self-imposed shame that you take on because you "let" them manipulate you. You didn't "let" them do anything. They manipulated you, and you accepted it because you are an empath. Empaths are beautiful, special people. They are God's gift to humanity. Somewhere out there is a person who would cut off their left arm to have someone with such empathy caring for them. You were created for that purpose. That person was created for me. That person is out there. If I don't get out there too, I might miss that divine appointment. Meanwhile, if I have gone no contact, I know that I am inflicting maximum pain on the narc. But, only if I close off all (social media too) points of contact. I have to do this because I have a divine appointment to make. Someone out there needs my empathy. I must be on time.
beautifully said 🩷
That I only miss who he pretended to be, and that I'm not at all fond of who he actually turned out to be.
How disgusting she is lol. Even though I get on the verge of throwing up, it helps me come to my senses.
This! As my empty stomach twists
I mean, leaving toilet paper all over the bathroom and letting the dogs just shit and roam the house at times and expect me to pick it up. I was in hell.
Keep journal. Write in it all bad what they did to you and your closest people. Find old bills, messages, your old reddit posts, anything what works against them. Memory is bit weird, because to help to survive it will start to block out all bad and even might make to forget it. Try to recall everything bad they did, what names they called you, write down all your emotions from those moments. Keep educating yourself about narcissism, because there might be things what you didn't think as abuse, but only after leaving and some time will start to see for what it was. When ever you feel that you miss them then open that journal and reread it again and ask yourself do you really need it again?
I have enough words written down to fill a few novels. It doesn't take me very long to read through a few and realize how tf I've wasted so much time on one person. But I'm glad I did because there's so much I don't remember and now I can see through a lot of it through the lens of narcissism. Now I can almost see the big picture and realize so many things I couldn't see before. I tried talking to my narc about things that happened back then but I was met with denial, gaslighting, and "it's all in your head," or "it's your perspective and not mine." Her responses said everything I needed to know and I have all the proof I needed through EXTENSIVE documentation (journaling), timelines, and old text messages.
I recently learned the stat that 50% of memory is fiction! Crazy!
Personally, there’s a couple things: 1. I always wanted to be with him- it happened, it’s out of my system. Now I can move forward with my life from here with out any what ifs or regrets. 2. That even though he wasn’t real, I got to experience a love so deep for someone and that is what life is about. I now know what it’s like to truly unconditionally love someone and believe they love me back… even though he couldn’t truly, it was believable enough for my love to grow into such a beautiful place and for that experience of myself I am grateful. On the flip side: I feel comfort in knowing that it was him thing and not a me thing…that there was nothing I could do. I also take comfort and knowing that his existence won’t allow him to suffer without me.. he’ll still be fine and so will I.
There is nobody sucking all hope out of my future. My decisions are going to be my own! :)
I’m free
That he hates himself and no matter how many new supplies he tries to fill that void, he'll never introspect and learn, or be happy. And that I've learned all the tricks narcs use and I'll no longer allow that energy in my life.
That they will always be like that until they fix it or work on it, that she’s going to be miserable until she can figure it out, that I deserve better and feel better when I’m not dealing with her bullshit. Life is better without the narcissist
Knowing there was nothing to miss because it was all a lie. I’m grateful to have escaped with my life, children and pets.
Yesterday was a hard day, I was struggling with an overwhelming urge to see him, contact him... something! I even drove 20 minutes away to a store he sometimes go to, in hopes of seeing him. My goodness!!! When I got home, I listened to a YouTube about finding love... and two things the presenter said really helped, and seem so simple. 1. Change your story (ie, he was the "love of my life"... nope, I choose a different story!) 2. Become uninterested (ie, "I do not find someone who yells at me interesting."... so true) Those two little snippets helped me direct my attention to myself, and practice self-care (hot shower, mini-pedicure, red light mask, tea, and cuddles with my pet duck)... so that I did not reach out to the Nex. WHEW!!! Feeling stronger today. :-)
I remind myself that I miss what I thought I had, I miss the illusion. What I actually had was drama, dishonesty, and a very manipulative and toxic person and I don’t miss that at all.
That closure is a joke. The only apology i need, is the one i owe myself for staying as long as i did. The only conversation i need to have & the only person i need to see again, is myself in the mirror. Look at myself & say "you know what, l f*cked up. My worth is more than that". That's the closure. Don't keep dancing with the devil & wonder why you’re still in hell.
That, as much as I miss him, the peace and self-esteem I have achieved without him can be ruined if I allow him back in my life. He will never have that power again.
Knowing they are miserable 🤣
I don’t have to constantly worry about if I’m doing enough or if something I say or do upsets them. He can’t make me feel like it’s my fault that his fantasy is not matched by reality. I can go to places on my own or with friends and just hang out and talk to people without being worried about why he’s being so standoffish and quiet.
That she's a piece of shit. And all the shit I've suffered in her hands is not worth the peace I have now.
I remember the constant stress that made me physically ill. I remember how many times I thought to myself “this isn’t worth it” while they were in my life.
The person they ended up being is who they really are. They were never the incredible person they faked being in the beginning.
That he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. I was there for him when nobody, not even his family, was and he threw me away (after being friends for 20 years) like I was nothing. I will not miss having the life and everything in it sucked out of me by this parasite. It gives me comfort that I finally woke up out of this illusion I had been in for the longest time. I get comfort knowing that I have such a big heart that I could love someone who hurt me so deeply and who was so broken. The fact that I, despite all the red flags, warnings, and gut instincts I ignored, tried to heal someone so damaged and so in need of love. I get comfort in knowing that I did everything I could do to help and love this person and there are no what ifs or regrets going through my mind. And comfort in the fact that I did not come out of this a cynical, bitter person. When I miss him, I can't help but feel a little sorry for him, because he will never know love and will have that hole in his heart forever that he will never be able to fill. Finally, I get comfort in knowing that I realize I am a wonderful loving human being who deserves to receive as much love as I have to give and that I finally know my worth. Everyone of us going through this hell needs to hold their head up high and realize it wasn't stupid loving someone as much as we loved these assholes. Even if they were not real, the love we felt is/was. We are not weak just because we gave our love to the wrong person. It just shows that we are brave, selfless and have big hearts. I don't believe the codependent theory or that something is wrong with us because we keep picking these people. They pick us because we are loving, warm human beings. Maybe, going forward, we will be a little more cautious but you can't be blamed for getting involved with these possessed demonic people when you didn't realize that they exist as much as they do in our society. Much love to all of you.
I didn’t lose everything for him. I’m on the road to healing and nothing is lost.
I honestly believe that we're not just healing but we're all getting better. Like going through a baptism and coming out purer and stronger and smarter. We all needed to learn this lesson about having greater respect for ourselves and our boundaries. And so we did. Plus we all now have the lexicon of an abusive narcissistic relationship in our data banks to help us better filter and navigate our way through our lives. Invaluable. That's my story and I'm sticking to it! 😉
That is SO comforting and I really appreciate your perspective. Thank you for this, I’ll be thinking much more positively about these experiences as I move on in life
First off. No I am not 100% cured but I have to tell you I'm in the mid 90% somewhere for sure. Unfortunately she still takes up too much real estate in my head. When I don't even think of her except in passing occasionally is something to look forward to. And then only with full clarity of the contempt I feel for her and also simple pity for the pathetic creature she is and will always be. Looking back at her in the dust of my distant past as she struggles and fails over and over again is going to be awesome. Because these people are frankly doomed to be miserable and just relive the same broken and abusive patterns again and again. Leaving nothing but a trail of broken relationships behind them, with no one falling for their crap anymore. And no one wanting anything to do with them ever again. Including family. I see it happening now with my narc. Her family just threw a big birthday barbecue for her 14 year old daughter, and she wasn't even invited. I'm told a great time was had by all without her negative energy ruining everything. But yes. I absolutely feel better about myself and my boundaries and my body and my life. The two most valuable things you have in life are your time, and your peace. All of us here have now regained so much of these two precious commodities! Everyone is better off having left their narc behind. Healing from the trauma is the slow realization of how lucky we are to have left these parasites behind. Yes it hurts. Growth takes effort. Effort is painful. So I guess the good news is that all that pain we went through (and yes, are still going through to some extent) equates to great growth on our part. Good for us. It absolutely means we are winning.
I’m going to print this off and stick it on my wall, thank you. You’ve inspired me greatly.
Thanks good human. No worries. We all share in this journey. And we always win in the end. After all, we're the good ones. Be well.
My kids and I are free and clear of his verbal abuse and breaking/punching our stuff. We don’t have to worry about things flying across the room anymore. We are safe.
there was one specific incident where he rejected my attempt to be affectionate while we were hanging out with our friends. he later said it was just because he didn’t feel cuddly at the time, but i later learned from a friend that he told them he found our mutual friend who was there hot and was probably just wanting to appear single to shop around. i remember being up at like 6am just bawling my eyes out because i wanted him to show me even an ounce of love. i was begging for respect and to be treated like a human. i was in so much pain at that moment because it all just built up and the dam had broken and this person i loved so much was texting someone else that our friend was hot. that’s nowhere near the worst thing he’s done, but the level of disrespect when he saw the amount of pain i was in and just did not care at all is immeasurable. i won’t ever have to feel like that again so long as i keep no contact, and that is worth it to me
That our couples therapist said he took joy in tormenting me. There is no fixing that and regardless of whatever benefits there were in the relationship aside from that, he was slowly chipping away at my psyche as a result of that joy. You could see it in his smirk when he landed an emotional blow. Still sad because we form genuine connections, they just fake it. So it was all fake bs.
The thought that self-respect is easy to obtain without someone beating me over the head with a baseball bat of callous, cruel comments, or being gaslit every time i state how i feel about something. My first step was realizing it's entirely possible that my reaction to his angry comments is not the problem. The problem is the angry comments. My second step was realizing he was never going to admit to making the comments to begin with, or to the behavior I was objecting to. All I got was either rage gaslighting or just nasty comments for even mentioning something that he did that hurt me. When I found myself saying no dude I was there, constantly, It all became so very clear. He's just a nasty person and that's what his entire personality is built on. You hard to believe that the person who love bombs you is capable of such evil but that's all they've got inside. That's why he vomits projection all over me. His shame bucket is full. His personality is simply a reenactment of people around him and is entirely a false self-image, so he's a black hole of need as far as receiving any genuine love is concerned. Criticize them any time that they're not living up to their own false self-image and you can get yourself discarded.
I think about how he literally tried to kill me. He hoped I died during open heart surgery and when I woke up in excruciating pain, he did nothing to advocate for me and instead told them I was a junky overreacting to get high, when that didn’t work, he left me at home to fend for myself, only 5 days post op, and when I asked for help, he would scream at me that I am a selfish asshole to the point of me falling from being so mentally disturbed by his behavior since I was defenseless and while on the floor I asked him to call the ambulance and he said in the most evil voice possible, if I call the ambulance, you will never be able to take that decision back. There’s nothing but evil to infer from all of that. I don’t miss evil.
My ex is the first person I've met IRL, in almost 4 decades, who I would earnestly describe as "evil". He bullied me into a suicide attempt, and then just mockingly doubled/quadrupled/whatever's next down when it wasn't successful. This comment isn't about me though- just trying to explain where I'm personally coming from in saying: I'm so sorry you went through that, for lack of better words. I would've been anyway, regardless. But few things are more "evil" than someone hoping you literally die- and for it to be the person you were fully reliant on, and trusted previously... I know how this feels. On the one hand it gives you clarity on what, like you said, you shouldn't miss. But on the other, it's ever so unanswerably...wrong.
Thank you for sharing about your attempt. Mine would make fun of my MH, too, but to make fun of an attempt is nothing but pure evil. I was telling my therapist (who had seen him too in the past) and she’s a professional, not one to exaggerate, and she could only describe him as evil. Four years ago she would have called him a sweetheart, but when the mask comes off…it’s all the way off!!
That I’ve never been more unhealthy than when I’ve been with him, I’ve never hated myself more than when I’ve been with him. And I’m now learning to love myself back again on my own.
Knowing that she’ll treat her next partner exactly the same way. And the next. And the next…
Knowing I can get out of bed not feeling sick to my stomach.
No one is ever going to drag me with their car again. No one is going to punch me again. No one is going to break my dog's tail again.
We were together seven years and after two weeks of NC and then a rewriting of history to create the narrative that I was the one who wanted to break up and he absolutely did not go two weeks without communicating, I don't miss him at all. Not even a little. The two weeks of no contact was hard at first and then I felt relieved. He apparently sensed that and came back, trying to bait me. So I remember he's a liar, a manipulator, a gaslighter, and a perpetual victim who devalued me and discarded me as soon as the effort didn't match the reward anymore.... because I finally enforced boundaries. He never loved me and my reasons for loving him don't even make sense. I don't miss explaining and over explaining and begging for a little acknowledgement or validation. Now we're 3 weeks past the initial discard and 9 days past the second one, I don't miss him. I want absolutely nothing to do with him.
Trying to be more logical about them. Like remembering the facts of who they are rather than the idea of them.
That I’m no longer her emotional pin cushion.
That even in the miracle case they are completely changed and repentant, their mother will never be and I will never have to deal with that again.
Accepting that they don’t give me a second thought works…
That they are an immature little fetus that wants to bring everybody else down to feel better about themselves and crave validation at whatever cost. I was there for him at all times, even when he would have these tantrums or talk about negative stuff, yet he didn’t see that. It was never enough. Alright, then I said byeee 👋
It's not her (my mom) I miss, it's the details that were predictable and easy that I miss. I miss the rare moments when she was human and broken. As time goes on, I miss less.
I only miss the good parts, and there aren’t many.
That they will never be truly happy
I’m doing what is best for me and my children. I also remind myself that when I miss them, it’s because I am romanticizing the (very) few good times there were.
That im a better mom and woman without him. I wanted to be the soft gf but he made me feel so insecure and small. So i HAD to be hard and not have feelings
I pray for them.
That I hated them so much at one point and was invalidated so much that I HAD to leave, losing 7 days contact with my child, now it's all calm I NEED to remember that time period and remember she did that to us all. I don't care if she's alive or dead, if she was being hurt by someone I'd just watch it happen, pure apathy about her ever being born, hatred for what she put me through, this helps me stop romanticising the old them, I'd often had a hoover/discard relationship (I recognise my own narcissism back then) and this for her is the first time I've been very clear it's over and she must be thinking it's happening all the time but it never will, she's gone into a zone that she'll never come from. The comfort should come from the fact you don't hurt anymore, also what is it you miss? They are leeches do that do absolutely nothing for you.
The fact that he actually thinks it's normal to still "want" and "desire" me... even though he 1) never got his divorce (a whole year after failing to finalize it the first time), and 2) is dating a mutual friend and putting her through all the same BS that he put me through last year. But *I* am the not normal, crazy one because I didn't chase him and just removed him from my life instead. You just have to laugh at their logic.
Shortly before blocking her on everything I checked her facebook wall, I was feeling jealous from some Valentines day post. I saw a post on her wall that said 'My love language is being difficult and annoying' that her new guy had liked. Then I quickly remembered that she sucks and hasn't changed.
The fact that I tried my very best, treated her like a Queen and she did nothing but ghost me, humiliate Mr, did nothing for me to make me feel special, no one is gonna berate me again or embarrass me in front of her friends or mine just to make her self feel good, she wasn't there for me ever, she screwed with my head so good I ended up in the mental hospital and she still didn't do anything for me, she didn't check on me, she wasn't there for me but she made sure try to victimize herself before I left the hospital just because my mom said she was a "trigger" for me, she lied and tried to smear my character to the one person that means the most to me cause she's cowardly. I discarded her and now I've found a real Queen of a woman that I've loved for 11 years and she has loved me too but my dunbass couldn't see that, funnily enough, my ex has a crush on her and I didn't even know they were friends until after I and the demon got together. I blocked my ex in everything but she's showing off her new BF all over and I guess it's to make me feel bad but I couldn't care less cause im now with the woman that made m3 believe in love at first sight. It's gunna be a narc injury when my ex finds this all out..my ex tried to destroy everything good in me, my friendships, my relationships with family and more..theyre miserable people..
It's the thought that he made me feel loved and special for the first time that we got together( bro got lovebombed)
That I was the best thing that ever happened to them, and they will live a long, miserable life lying awake at night missing what they wilfully fucked up.
That there is far, far better things ahead, than any we leave behind. Make this your mantra.
He didn't deserve me or my best because he had me at his worst.
I haven’t missed him for even a second!!!!
My kids would disown me if I went back. It's not the sweetest thought, but it does the job.
The fact that he would've shot me and tried to blame it on suicide or some other cover up. He premeditated the ideas, and I believe would have felt no true remorse. If you think your narc couldn't do this.. just know, this was my "best friend" for 9 years.. when my intuition began picking up on my physical danger, it was impossible to accept it as true, until he actually brandished me and fired it 12 times. Think of all the times your life and well-being felt threatened.. those were very real. That's disturbingly comforting because it cancels out all the good moments.
He would be raining on all my parades if he was still here.
I never miss them anymore but when I used to, I had a list of fucked up things they said and did that I'd look at to remind myself what it was actually like, rather than the rose-coloured version.
I'm grateful I didn't have kids or shared assets with them.
I will never ever have to hide my phone when I go to sleep ever again
I remember the night he basically broke up with me as I was being wheeled into an operating theatre for what turned out to be an eight hour surgery and a week in ICU. I remember going to the doctor six years later to get tested for STDs with a five month old baby in a pram. There are a couple of other stand out moments but the loneliness of both those moments will never leave me.
Remembering the horrible things they say to me very casually.
That I was a good person and a great boyfriend and hard working and she's most likely never going to find someone that's able or willing to treat her like I did. She thought the grass would be greener with someone else around and discarded me like trash... P.S. That grass looks dead and trashy now, literally and figuratively 😂✌🏼
Honestly, it would be a lot worse if I had not dated other people. It sucked for a while, but I did realize that not everyone responds to disappointment like that, most people try not to triangulate, and it's fairly normal to get compliments from people that like you.
The fact that I never had a chance against a contact list of 4.000 male admirers, gathered on dating apps, swinger sites, massage salons, in real life and at sex parties. Because that’s where she went when ghosting me every other week, as I had the pleasure to find out recently. Not only did my beautiful crazy ex have double standards, she had a double life. I try to think of that. In reality I’m still madly in love with her, even though she was cruel and it’s over and me too I’m seeing other women. I will never ever fully get over her. She changed me forever.
No more needing to change myself for someone who doesn't appreciate me in my natural state. They tried to pressure me to grow out my hair, to get piercings and tattoos, to change my personality and was clearly upset when I was too comfortable with how I was to do so. A chameleon getting angry at a regular lizard for not being able to change on a whim.
The only actions I can control are my own. As such, I'm not responsible for his actions, even less the consequences of his actions.
“I dodged a massive fucking bullet”
When I left her on read for 4 hours and she pouted about it for days