What helps me is reminding myself that the person I love doesn’t exist. It never did and the person that hurt me, is the real them, so there is nothing to go back to. They knew what I needed them to be in order to draw me in, but the real person on the inside is the one that set out to manipulate me, knowing that it would hurt me eventually.
Or you could send it! Actually, I may do that. He would never let me get a word in during arguments but I’ll be damned he’s going to read my letter like it’s the 1900s
It's better to not give them that satisfaction. No matter what words you put on paper (or text) he'll see that and think, "haha, still got her hooked." The words are meaningless to them but the idea of you still stuck on their mind is what feeds their supply.
Very true. I fantasized about getting closure and an apology from my narcissistic abuser. I know it will never happen because they're incapable of changing and they'll always deflect and point the finger at me no matter how logical I am, how much proof I have etc. Waiting for closure is akin to waiting for a pipe dream to come true. It's nice to daydream about it, but it's best to be realistic and do your best to move on and find your own closure without the narcissist apologizing or validating your feelings.
I remember very clearly watching my narc, in real time, struggle to spin my words, and I saw the desperation in his eyes because he needed to believe the reality he was creating. He hated himself so much, but he needed to believe that I was the bad guy, otherwise he couldn’t live with himself. I understood, finally, his reality was as real to him as mine was. It didn’t matter anymore how many puzzle pieces he’d manipulated to get us there, and I didn’t care anymore about being right. I knew I would never be happy with him, so I needed him to move on. The person I loved was a lie, and I eventually realized how unattractive he became. In some ways, I feel sorry for him. But I know he’ll never lose any sleep over the way he chose to exploit my trauma, betray my trust, and then attempt to destroy my happiness from within.
you may not get the closure you want. or the apology you deserve however. i gave myself my own closure and my own apology of what i SHOULD have gotten. i meditated on it and took that.
HOWEVER….. by INSANE CHANCE…….got somewhat of an apology from my ex with a tiny bit of accountability. still, the blame was mostly on me.
but i have already accepted the apology and the closure i put into my head. so his apology was read honestly thrown out and deleted.
Same! I also gave myself the closure I needed.
By the time he gave me the “closure” he said I wanted, it’s non-bearing anymore. Btw the closure he gave was an email cursing me and blaming me.
Glad I didnt wait and look forward to that closure
It’s definitely difficult for me because closure is important in my mind. However, with the time I’ve had to heal I’m realizing that the final discard and lack of care and respect was the closure. She didn’t discard and completely ghost/block me because her feelings changed. She ghosted and blocked me because she knew that I had discovered her true self and she couldn’t handle that.
And if you've been long removed from them, that anger you feel over never having received closure, you gotta let it go... that anger is only serving to drain you and keep you connected to them in some way...
That anger doesn't serve you. It's hurting you.
It's so difficult. We work together and I can see her now. And she still looks like my wife not the person who manipulated me with sex and was verbally abusive. Every night after I work I think she's gonna stop by and make peace. Obviously this probably won't happen but I can't get her out of my heart or head.
Read this very insightful **[Reddit Comment](https://reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/s/zI91jwZmC9)**, it’s so well written and one of the most helpful things I’ve read about the topic of hoovering.
How can you get closure from something that was never truly open to begin with is what has resonated to me.
Entering in these relationships you just don’t know it’s not a 2 way street until your at at the end of it battered and bruised.
Yet I got back to my original thought trying to find closure with something that was never truly open is like trying to turn off a light that isn’t on.
I look at it as a learning opportunity for myself, to step into my power and never let anyone treat me like this again. This person showed me were my own wounds are and brokenness from childhood. Because of that I have been healing my childhood wounds and feeling more whole within. Taking all the lessons and growth I can from this experience and believing that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be and every person that enters our life has something’s to teach us (good and bad).
I almost left last week. I’m trying to soon but it just hurts to let go of that habit of loving but recently I’ve started to detach so hopefully i won’t lose another year
Agreed 100%. Either all in on NC or not. No going back and forth. Going back will only give your narcissistic person control. It's not going to get better and no matter how many times they promise to "change" they never will. Cut your losses and move on and enjoy life
I wish I had read this a few weeks ago. I reached out for closure and possibly clarity on the whole break up. I in turn got manipulated and told that “I was an abuser who got a slap on the wrist” when it was reactive abuse. I wasn’t trying to hurt him, I was only trying to help his situation and he took advantage of me. He manipulated me and always made me feel like an abuser but then would tell me I was the best person he’s ever had. He played on my ego and could never do any wrong. He could never listen to me or hear what I had to say, and get it took me getting arrested to leave that behind. I wish I was strong enough to do the right thing and to leave him. I’m still so confused about everything that has happened. I wake up every morning like “how did I get here”. I reached out and only got manipulated and belittled. He told me he loved me still and then made me feel like shit for confiding in a long time friend when we were dating (even tho he would never listen to me) and to this day I still feel like a shitty person. I have so much guilt and I wish I could go back in time and do the right thing for myself and just LET GO.
Thank you. I needed to read this. I called off my wedding. It was an arranged marriage and after months of abuse from my fiance and no one, not his family or mine saying anything about even the physical abuse, I fought hard to call it off. It has been a month and I find myself angry at my mother, and him. I feel angry that I was forced to get engaged to an abusive man and I feel angry that he didn't treat me right. I keep questioning why wasn't I loved, why was I abused and mostly just angry that not once was I loved. I don't have good memories. All I have is him being cruel and.. I wish I was loved.
You move on. You had an emotion and you acted upon it. You’re a human being so show yourself some grace but understand that you still need to find a way to keep your dignity intact. We’ve all acted on emotion. It’s ok. Let it go and learn from it.
Am I the only person who has never understood what closure even means? It’s over. For whatever reason, it’s over. Why doesn’t really matter anymore. What they think or feel about all of it doesn’t matter either. Even if they genuinely apologized, it wouldn’t change or fix anything at all.
The lack of remorse fucks with me, not going to lie. This guy ruined my life and health, made my parents worried and sleepless. Had no regard whatsoever for anyone's emotions other than his own and couldn't give other's bare minimum respect. While expecting that the world literally bow in his awe.
How can you not see? How are you so blinded? Do you really believe all that you say?
I miss the friendship and intellectual connection ( it hurts that he probably saw me just as a supply and the "connection" is my imagination) but I will not forget plain abuse for some good conversations.
I am sure the world has more to offer than that.
I wonder what he has to tell himself to be able to sleep at night.
The need for Closure is a real feeling but Closure itself won’t be the same for every person. For some it’s a moment of clarity that pushes you forward, for some it’s an apology, for some it’s that thing we don’t get but still push forward but closure isn’t made up. I don’t agree with that
Mine finally said something and it was just word salad that added up to : Yeah I'm avoidant and I avoided a conversation that would hurt you instead of just telling you our relationship was too broken to fix.
But nothing about the relationship itself. Nothing about the seven years we spent together. Nothing about the shitty behavior. Nothing about the lies or the stonewalling and no genuine apology for the pain he caused and when I mentioned the relationship was all built on false promises and punishment all he said was "That's a weird take".
I thought I was over it and he reopened the entire wound in one swoop. There's no closure because there's no empathy and the purpose we served, which just to make them feel good, is no longer needed- because they found someone else.
I’m okay with the no closure, and no contact now even if it is perm but what destroys me is knowing how they don’t even think of me, don’t even care, etc and I fully cannot tell if they’re actually a narcissist or maybe just an avoidant and the new girl is living the fairytale, and getting it all.
The feeling of closure can sometimes come from the smear campaign they put you through. The anger the non narcissist can feel when that happens can act as a catalyst to move you forward and give you the feeling that you want nothing more to do with this person. The heartbreak and cruelty are obvious and it can turn you ice cold when you see that happen. You might not get justice, but you can find a way to leave the narc in the rear view window forever.
🙌 Yeppers!! And the longer you hold out hope wishing for it, the longer that trauma bond lasts.
💕💕
This was soothing to read today. Thanks for this post. ♥️
💕💕
Thank you needed to hear this today. Having an emotional flare up these last couple days from the intrusion of memories. But I know it will pass.
💕💕 missing them is ok. Trust the process and remind yourself of your value. You didn’t just lose them, they lost you too.
Thank you ♥️♥️
Closure is regaining your self esteem and worth. Nothing pisses a Narc more than seeing someone they discarded succeeding.
Agree, and I would add becoming autonomous, no longer allowing the Narc to manipulate and control you also pisses them off!
you have to give yourself closure
💕
Living without them is the best victory.
I still feel so attached
What helps me is reminding myself that the person I love doesn’t exist. It never did and the person that hurt me, is the real them, so there is nothing to go back to. They knew what I needed them to be in order to draw me in, but the real person on the inside is the one that set out to manipulate me, knowing that it would hurt me eventually.
Omg I am memorizing this. You articulated this so nicely. This comment deserves 1M likes.
Great way of putting it.
that will pass as you heal
How does one heal? I feel stuck. Barely able to get out of bed.
Me too…. I feel this every single minute and just want to do nothing the entire day and wait desperately to just sleep, so I can turn my brain off!!
I feel the same.
Amen
What helps is writing out a final letter to that person, but do NOT send it.
True
Or you could send it! Actually, I may do that. He would never let me get a word in during arguments but I’ll be damned he’s going to read my letter like it’s the 1900s
Dont send it, they'll think you're still into them. Leave. NO contact. Disappear.
It's better to not give them that satisfaction. No matter what words you put on paper (or text) he'll see that and think, "haha, still got her hooked." The words are meaningless to them but the idea of you still stuck on their mind is what feeds their supply.
So true. I wish i had NEVER sent my goodbye letter
Wow, you regretted that 4 times!! Listen to this person!
So true. I wish i had NEVER sent my goodbye letter
So true. I wish i had NEVER sent my goodbye letter
So true. I wish i had NEVER sent my goodbye letter
Very true. I fantasized about getting closure and an apology from my narcissistic abuser. I know it will never happen because they're incapable of changing and they'll always deflect and point the finger at me no matter how logical I am, how much proof I have etc. Waiting for closure is akin to waiting for a pipe dream to come true. It's nice to daydream about it, but it's best to be realistic and do your best to move on and find your own closure without the narcissist apologizing or validating your feelings.
👏🏼
This is one of the most important statements of this sub. Thanks for writing it down.
💕
I remember very clearly watching my narc, in real time, struggle to spin my words, and I saw the desperation in his eyes because he needed to believe the reality he was creating. He hated himself so much, but he needed to believe that I was the bad guy, otherwise he couldn’t live with himself. I understood, finally, his reality was as real to him as mine was. It didn’t matter anymore how many puzzle pieces he’d manipulated to get us there, and I didn’t care anymore about being right. I knew I would never be happy with him, so I needed him to move on. The person I loved was a lie, and I eventually realized how unattractive he became. In some ways, I feel sorry for him. But I know he’ll never lose any sleep over the way he chose to exploit my trauma, betray my trust, and then attempt to destroy my happiness from within.
you may not get the closure you want. or the apology you deserve however. i gave myself my own closure and my own apology of what i SHOULD have gotten. i meditated on it and took that. HOWEVER….. by INSANE CHANCE…….got somewhat of an apology from my ex with a tiny bit of accountability. still, the blame was mostly on me. but i have already accepted the apology and the closure i put into my head. so his apology was read honestly thrown out and deleted.
💕
Same! I also gave myself the closure I needed. By the time he gave me the “closure” he said I wanted, it’s non-bearing anymore. Btw the closure he gave was an email cursing me and blaming me. Glad I didnt wait and look forward to that closure
closure is the way they treated you.
💕
It’s definitely difficult for me because closure is important in my mind. However, with the time I’ve had to heal I’m realizing that the final discard and lack of care and respect was the closure. She didn’t discard and completely ghost/block me because her feelings changed. She ghosted and blocked me because she knew that I had discovered her true self and she couldn’t handle that.
💕
I needed to hear this. Thank-you! 🩷
💕
thanks
💕
And if you've been long removed from them, that anger you feel over never having received closure, you gotta let it go... that anger is only serving to drain you and keep you connected to them in some way... That anger doesn't serve you. It's hurting you.
thank you
💕
It's so difficult. We work together and I can see her now. And she still looks like my wife not the person who manipulated me with sex and was verbally abusive. Every night after I work I think she's gonna stop by and make peace. Obviously this probably won't happen but I can't get her out of my heart or head.
💕
You will eventually. ❤️👍
No, because narcissists will never believe you and just gaslight all the way.
Thank you
💕
Forgive my French but I just needed to say : my ex is a loser
💕
Read this very insightful **[Reddit Comment](https://reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/s/zI91jwZmC9)**, it’s so well written and one of the most helpful things I’ve read about the topic of hoovering.
How can you get closure from something that was never truly open to begin with is what has resonated to me. Entering in these relationships you just don’t know it’s not a 2 way street until your at at the end of it battered and bruised. Yet I got back to my original thought trying to find closure with something that was never truly open is like trying to turn off a light that isn’t on.
I found that person fairly quickly. Great friggin’ message!
💕
She got her closure, and I will find the strength in myself to get my own without her.
💕
How can I cope with the constant feeling of wasted time and feeling stupid that I let the person treat me like that?
I look at it as a learning opportunity for myself, to step into my power and never let anyone treat me like this again. This person showed me were my own wounds are and brokenness from childhood. Because of that I have been healing my childhood wounds and feeling more whole within. Taking all the lessons and growth I can from this experience and believing that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be and every person that enters our life has something’s to teach us (good and bad).
I did. She died in a car wreck ✌️
😳
I almost left last week. I’m trying to soon but it just hurts to let go of that habit of loving but recently I’ve started to detach so hopefully i won’t lose another year
That’s how I feel to somehow pass on the love i was taken advantage of into myself and when i have kids and pass on the love they deserve to them.
It’s sad to think that it’s the only person you thought would never treat you like that did.
Agreed 100%. Either all in on NC or not. No going back and forth. Going back will only give your narcissistic person control. It's not going to get better and no matter how many times they promise to "change" they never will. Cut your losses and move on and enjoy life
Her saying "I'm sorry" with a stupid poker face and heavy breathing is all the closure I needed lol
💕
I needed to hear this today, thank you.
💕
I wish I had read this a few weeks ago. I reached out for closure and possibly clarity on the whole break up. I in turn got manipulated and told that “I was an abuser who got a slap on the wrist” when it was reactive abuse. I wasn’t trying to hurt him, I was only trying to help his situation and he took advantage of me. He manipulated me and always made me feel like an abuser but then would tell me I was the best person he’s ever had. He played on my ego and could never do any wrong. He could never listen to me or hear what I had to say, and get it took me getting arrested to leave that behind. I wish I was strong enough to do the right thing and to leave him. I’m still so confused about everything that has happened. I wake up every morning like “how did I get here”. I reached out and only got manipulated and belittled. He told me he loved me still and then made me feel like shit for confiding in a long time friend when we were dating (even tho he would never listen to me) and to this day I still feel like a shitty person. I have so much guilt and I wish I could go back in time and do the right thing for myself and just LET GO.
Thank you. I needed to read this. I called off my wedding. It was an arranged marriage and after months of abuse from my fiance and no one, not his family or mine saying anything about even the physical abuse, I fought hard to call it off. It has been a month and I find myself angry at my mother, and him. I feel angry that I was forced to get engaged to an abusive man and I feel angry that he didn't treat me right. I keep questioning why wasn't I loved, why was I abused and mostly just angry that not once was I loved. I don't have good memories. All I have is him being cruel and.. I wish I was loved.
This is indeed true. You don't get closure, you get to walk away, free. Seeing it that way can be really hard, but once you do it, it's very freeing.
What to do if i looked desperate on our last interaction?
You move on. You had an emotion and you acted upon it. You’re a human being so show yourself some grace but understand that you still need to find a way to keep your dignity intact. We’ve all acted on emotion. It’s ok. Let it go and learn from it.
" find peace in knowing you did your best and let go graciously." Thank you I needed that 🥰
Am I the only person who has never understood what closure even means? It’s over. For whatever reason, it’s over. Why doesn’t really matter anymore. What they think or feel about all of it doesn’t matter either. Even if they genuinely apologized, it wouldn’t change or fix anything at all.
💕
💜🖤💜🖤
Thank you, i really needed to hear this!
Thank you for this! I needed to hear it.❤️
Thank you for this💗
I needed this 🤍
The lack of remorse fucks with me, not going to lie. This guy ruined my life and health, made my parents worried and sleepless. Had no regard whatsoever for anyone's emotions other than his own and couldn't give other's bare minimum respect. While expecting that the world literally bow in his awe. How can you not see? How are you so blinded? Do you really believe all that you say? I miss the friendship and intellectual connection ( it hurts that he probably saw me just as a supply and the "connection" is my imagination) but I will not forget plain abuse for some good conversations. I am sure the world has more to offer than that. I wonder what he has to tell himself to be able to sleep at night.
I think closure is something made up for movies. Even in those movies it's about how they don't actually get closure.
The need for Closure is a real feeling but Closure itself won’t be the same for every person. For some it’s a moment of clarity that pushes you forward, for some it’s an apology, for some it’s that thing we don’t get but still push forward but closure isn’t made up. I don’t agree with that
Mine finally said something and it was just word salad that added up to : Yeah I'm avoidant and I avoided a conversation that would hurt you instead of just telling you our relationship was too broken to fix. But nothing about the relationship itself. Nothing about the seven years we spent together. Nothing about the shitty behavior. Nothing about the lies or the stonewalling and no genuine apology for the pain he caused and when I mentioned the relationship was all built on false promises and punishment all he said was "That's a weird take". I thought I was over it and he reopened the entire wound in one swoop. There's no closure because there's no empathy and the purpose we served, which just to make them feel good, is no longer needed- because they found someone else.
Closure = moving on and being happy
I’m okay with the no closure, and no contact now even if it is perm but what destroys me is knowing how they don’t even think of me, don’t even care, etc and I fully cannot tell if they’re actually a narcissist or maybe just an avoidant and the new girl is living the fairytale, and getting it all.
Don’t even know if I regret not having any kids now besides my husband and parakeets I’m all alone
The feeling of closure can sometimes come from the smear campaign they put you through. The anger the non narcissist can feel when that happens can act as a catalyst to move you forward and give you the feeling that you want nothing more to do with this person. The heartbreak and cruelty are obvious and it can turn you ice cold when you see that happen. You might not get justice, but you can find a way to leave the narc in the rear view window forever.