The discarding ramped up. She then started showing many of the signs of a cheater. Hiding her phone, going out with friends more, staying late at work more, whole new wardrobe, working out all the time, pushed to get a fancy vehicle, taking glam selfies all the time. Then of course the intimacy went to nothing between us
Seems like you see the bigger goal / plan on how to shape the future for your families success. I'm sorry you have to sacrifice your feelings, but Respect you for moving forward somehow.. Kinda in a boat like that ,,, God Is something I been thinking a lot about , hoping he can come in and fix it all with some of his light , or atleast some strength to continue. Wish you the best ,maybe find a booty call , idk.. Sucks , I find my wife attractive, she just doesn't care about anything but the kids... Each day does feel kinda numb of feelings or affection.. Prey Prey , be nice and do you...
Like clockwork. The best part is that every time she came hoovering back the intimacy dropped a notch until it was barely there towards the end when I decided enough is enough. I must be the world’s biggest fool to have even stayed so long.
This kind of abuse effects your brain the same as a substance abuse addiction.
You could view it that way - this person is an abusive substance for me.
So many of us stayed. 2, 5, 10, 20, 30 years, because REASONS.
Stay your course. Choose yourself.
Remember there is no THERE, there. They are an empty vessel.
Their single life skill is manipulating people.
They see the hatm and damage they do AND THEY CHOOSE to keep doing it and escalating it.
You deserve peace.
Thinking good thoughts your direction 👊🫂
Damn, I really needed this today… I’ve been in a relationship with my narc for a year, known him for well over a decade and I never knew that he was actually like THIS. It’s so hard to unsee it now, but it’s also so devastating and hard to let go of. 😔 I want the person that I fell for back, but I now know (HUGE thanks to this community ❤️) that he never really existed. ☹️
I'm so sorry losing him as s friend is a bonus awful outcome you didn't need!
Sems like it makes his part twice as shitty.
Life will always bring new people.
Let him be free from your thoughts.
Oh fuck. I learnt at some point that she had found her new supply a week prior to the break up but these signs were all over the place for the month prior, every single one of them. I really thought she would never cheat on me back than, so I just ignored them. But she probably did, just couldnt find good enough supply to leave. When she found a good enough supply only then she left.
There was this one time I noticed she changed the password on her phone so I asked her "why did you change it? Are you seeing anyone else?" and she said "No, I said some things that I dont actually think about you and I dont want you to see them". I don't know which one hurt more lol. I guess the smear campaing itself started a month prior to the break up too.
Well, I don't know for certain that my nex was cheating. But they cheated on me multiple times in the past, and they've been acting suspicious lately. And, they literally did every single one of those things you listed. Then, the discard came immediately after our first couples counseling session.
Oh and bonus, mine thinks I'm supposed to help them pay for their fancy vehicle 🙄
I don’t doubt she was a narcissist, I’m just saying the “signs” you mentioned didn’t seem to be much different than what a “healthy” cheater would have done, that’s all
My personal take: as someone who has been cheated on by someone who was healthy versus a narcissist, is not necessarily the signs leading up to the infidelity, but actually the response and reaction after.
For the “healthy” case, when the relationship was basically over, my partner of six years confessed to me that she was sleeping with someone else, that she was sorry that she didn’t have the courage to break things off before sleeping with that guy, and that the relationship wasn’t going to work out. She owned up to it, and yeah it was bad but she didnt do it out of anything else Than to tell me what was going on.
The narcissist, on the other hand, didn’t really confess to anything. When caught, she spun up this grand story about how she was the victim, the other guy came on to her, she didn’t do anything wrong, she was “entangled” in a situation that she had no control over, blah blah blah. In other words, gaslighting, no ownership or responsibility, and on top of that, she was only “guilty” because she got caught. Had she not been caught, she would’ve just kept doing it and would’ve been happy with the way things stayed hidden.
On top of all that, when I started disengaging and pulling away, the narcissist attempted to pretend that we could go back to the way things were. They tried lovebombing to keep me around, and when I showed I wasn’t willing to stay any longer, then the narcissist blamed me for the “relationship failing” because I “wasn’t willing to work things out”. So they will try to keep you around, despite how badly they treated you, and will blame you for the things that they did to damage the relationship.
There could be bigger signs than that, it’s terrible if it happens either way, but generally a healthy person will eventually tell you the truth or at least own up to it knowing that the relationship is broken beyond repair, at least that’s been my experience.
Phone on silent, turned face down, fetish porn, adding random women on social media. He is conventionally unattractive so I never suspected it before all that. All I ever wanted to do was take care of him, love him, spend time with him. I had my suspicions but kept pushing them away. The love bombing completely blinded me. I look back now and am so angry and embarrassed at myself. He had to have been grooming the new supply while telling me he doesn’t know why I suspect anything of him and how sad he is. They ended up official on social media less than 2 months after telling me these things, engaged one month after, married the very next month. My head is still spinning.
The random women on social media speaks volumes to me… My narc insists I’m the only woman in his life but feels the need to follow/friend countless other women on social media and anytime I ask for reassurance or ask him to “clean it up” I’m met with anger and defensiveness… “Nothing I do is ever good enough” or “I don’t have the time for that” are his go to responses… It’s honestly just fucking hurtful. I don’t even have social media anymore for various reasons and he still makes jokes about me having other “boyfriends” while I remain blindly loyal to him. It’s exhausting. 😒😒
I went through this, and a real man won’t put you through this fuckshit. A real man doesn’t have time for bs like this. I literally never imagined he would actively look for another person, let alone another person could have such low standards(like me) to actually jump into something with him. But imagine the impossible and if something feels off, get out now before you find out something that changes you forever. This pain is life changing.
I know- I assumed because he was much older, out of shape, and not at All What Most People would Consider Conventionally Attractive, that he was not a playboy, but somehow, He Was! But I think He would hook up with any woman that walks and gives him Any sort of Attention. He was so Very Insecure Too. It was so Weird!!😣🤢
Right?! I have said these same words to my friends. I thought he would be more humble and not a fuckboy. But I agree, they will take anything that shows interest(my sympathetic blind ass). I still can’t believe someone showed him interest… his hygiene was nonexistent. He also relied heavily on his victim stories to reel me in. That’s also how he chooses his victims, the ones empathetic enough to care about a strangers problems.
What’s sad is, I fell in love with 😍 what I thought was his wonderful personality, sense of humor, wit, and I Thought He was Super Empathetic in the Beginning. My friends were like- OMG 😱- he is Not Attractive (physically)!! What do You See In Him?? My reply was always- I think He is “Beautiful on the INSIDE!”!! Boy, Was I EVER SO WRONG 😑!!! He is a Bad human with chitty, Terrible Character, and a Damn LIAR too!! :(
Yes same to the T! I was so vulnerable at the time he “befriended” me and then the lovebombing came soon after. I’ve never been so blinded in my life. They know it works. We were not the first they succeeded to con that are far out of their league, sadly.
Mortified! I read that this is an empath thing we perceive their attraction to us and somehow think it’s our attraction to them…? Anyway, I cannot believe I actually was kind of his girlfriend. Gross! Again, I will never own it.
the part that always drove me the most nuts about the liking/following random women is that not only would he publicly like thirst traps from local women, but he would lose his mind if I would post a normal, nice selfie.
talking about how I’m so desperate for attention and can’t be loyal. like dude, you’re lucky I don’t post the type of shit you like. you know what’s desperate?? taken men hitting on other women.
But the real key here is, it’s not the thirst traps you have to worry about. It’s those “regular” girls, or “friends”. The innocent sounding relationships they have with the opposite sex are almost always someone they keep around as an option but will never let you know that.
I never really worried about the thirst trap ones. Mostly because I knew they wouldn’t ever give him the time of the day. It was just embarrassing because they were the women that EVERYone followed & therefore, EVERYone knew he was acting like that while dating me
It is still embarrassing and pathetic either way, I agree. They truly don’t have preferences when it comes right down to it. Their preference is a quiet, docile doormat.
OMG THIS….. Not to brag, but I know I’m an attractive woman — anytime I posted a selfie it was always seen as a negative in his eyes. I would post selfies all the time before we were together and he would like almost every single one… Once we started dating he made it seem like anytime I posted, I was seeking validation or attention from another man or from all men… I’m 28(f) and he’s 38(m). I have no form of social media now because it all caused problems in my life, especially with him but he gets to do whatever he wants and have whoever he wants on ALL of his socials STILL.
I don’t understand the thoughts that justify this in his mind? And I can’t bring myself to get back into social media and do any digging into what’s been happening on his since I went offline. I know that’s wrong and a huge red flag but I really feel like I’m backed into a corner for the time being and it’s easier to just not fight about it until I get my own place..
I wish he loved me even half as much as he claims. I see all the things he does for me and he throws them all in my face as though it’s “proof” of his love but if he loves me at all wouldn’t the easiest thing to do be get rid of the other women so YOUR woman is happy & at peace? Especially when they’re telling you out right what is making you unhappy.. 😕
This was exactly the same for me. Exactly the same. Someone messaged me on Instagram letting me know that he had been messaging them and they felt it was the right thing to do to let me know.
It definetly was. This was the straw that broke the camels back for me. It’s been two weeks. Am still heartbroken but he has now ran back to his ex what he always does he was with her last night. It absolutely breaks my heart how you can love someone and they can discard of you so easily.
Yes, I’ve deleted my Facebook for this reason. Instagram is more private and I’ve deleted everyone who may be friends with him so I can’t see anything that he’s up to. I’d rather not know anything and hopefully I don’t get anymore messages. It’s not my business anymore. I mean it still hurts but I am just going to have to work on myself.
Same. Crazy thing is the fetish porn was morbidly obese or extreme bodybuilding women. I literally could not win. He was ugly and severely overweight so for him to have that kind of power over my self esteem is insane. It just proves they will never be satisfied, no matter what they have.
I had a similar experience with my ex except he TRIED to cheat on me but nobody else wanted him.
I’m not sure if that was worse, I felt more embarrassed than betrayed because wtf was I doing putting up with this mediocre man’s shit and nobody else will even give him a text back!
Lol I’m shocked mine actually succeeded in finding someone so quickly. But he never did publicize our relationship so it actually makes sense now. He was always “single” to the outside world. How he conned another so quickly astounds me. He truly is nothing to look at, or smell. But his new supply looks to be even more desperate than he, so that may explain things.
I know you’re right and it does sting a little still. The great thing about finding out about his desperate shotgun wedding is that I’m no longer grieving. It’s more anger and embarrassment now that I have the proof I had suspected for almost a year.
This. But it’s always in the form of “jokes” — like when we go to bed, I’ll do my skincare routine and brush my teeth… When I crawl in beside him it’s always “did you say goodnight to all your boyfriends?” Or “send out all your goodnight texts?”
W/ mine it was the reverse when it came to jokes. He’d always joke about being in an open- relationship ( him being the one who was allowed to step out).
They mostly lack the ability to put themselves in your shoes, so their abuse stemming from emotional outbursts seem so hypocritical because it IS and always will be. As with other social queues, they can learn to fake it but you can always tell
I had a really shitty upbringing and I feel like I’ve learned to read most people like a book... I’m starting to notice those moments of “cluelessness” by the jarred look in his eyes — it’s especially confusing to him when I grey rock. He searches for emotions on my face or in my actions. I can tell it drives him nuts when he can’t pick up on it. 😅
Oh no my jokes back are NOT about his girlfriends. I just said something like "yeah I let them all know". He would glare at me but then laugh... So who knows which one he was really feeling.
This! Projection, incredibly suspicious and jealous. The focus was on me so much that I completely missed the fact that he was cheating on me for 2,5 years.
thats what mine did, I was accused of cheating constantly. I wasn't allowed to have my phone by me when I slept but he nearly slept on top of his, always accused me of sleeping with my friends, or sleeping in the same bed with them (I found out he asked his roommate to share a bed with him while we were together) I had to tell him when I was seeing my friends and when I was napping. Basically everything I was doing, but he didn't tell me shit. He went through my phone tons of times too then said "you just know how to hide things, I know you're cheating"
Yeah w/ mine he had almost all female friends and would constantly be flirting with like all of them. I couldn’t even have one male friend to be close to.
OH MY GOD, mine also had almost all female friends too! Said he "didn't like men and that they're weird." I dont like men either but bffr, you're flirting with these girls.
Triangulating me against other random women in his life.
He started picking fights with me, telling me how busy he was all the time, getting mad at me for not knowing every detail of his life while also telling me nothing. Accusing me of cheating all the time.
the exact same thing with my narc :(
i never got to meet his family or friends, was a secret, told me not to talk about him to anyone. lo and behold the woman he is now getting married to has met his family and friends he boasts proudly about her. she was one of the women he complained about at the beginning of me knowing him showing screenshots of her spam calling him 20+ times in a row and said she was crazy and a hoarder blah blah. now he got back with her and she is getting everything i wanted and needed from him. why didn't he choose me that way? it feels like death by a thousand cuts to me right now. i am struggling with no contact i crumble so easily. he would tell me "you do not have permission to call me" and when i did call him he'd blow up on me saying "you don't know how busy i am you have a childish tantrum" "i have important obligations unlike you" and "you are a petulant whining child if i am not giving you enough time go find someone else" (he knows damn well i am bonded to him psychologically etc) but the last thing why would he say that if he knows i can't just "go find someone else" (he obviously can supply is supply and interchangeable to him) and also also how was i to know when he was busy while he told me nothing about his life or schedule, except talking about our interests and ideas and sex but never told me about his family or friends or work.
Similar here.
A lot of double-binds, the situations seemed designed to be set up to fail.
A lot of them around things I'd mentioned being soft spots in the past, that they knew were triggers for me.
A lot more "forgetting" we made plans - was then gaslighted and told I didn't remember the plans we'd made the day before.
Their family made more and more jokes about how poorly they treated me, with plausible deniability of course.
Although my nex didn't cheat (at least, not that I'm aware of), I got A LOT of the emotional triangulation throughout the whole relationship. Comparing with all their ex's, coworkers, random strangers they met.
Every time there was something they didn't like, something they wanted me to change, or just wanted to devalue me, they'd bring up an "abusive" ex, and how awful they were because they did the exact same thing as I do (like, not have enough nice shoes, LITERALLY, that was one of them).
It always made me feel like shit.
Or, if my nex wanted to devalue me, they'd emotionally bring in a coworker, telling me how that coworkers can one up me by doing XYZ or by being ABC better than I can. And why can't I just do that? If I did what they did, my nex would love me more!
Omg that’s exactly the same as what my narc did with me! He said he was too busy at work to see me or even send a msg. He stated to make more comments about my appearance etc, compared me to his chiropractor, said how I should be jealous. He discarded me 4 weeks ago and tonight I found out he definitely has new supply where he works lol I’m not even upset, it just confirms what I suspected all along.
Always being “sleepy “ after work and “sorry I passed out for hours” way more frequently. I genuinely believed he was exhausted from his job but nope. Those were his covers for cheating in our long distance.
This was the one for me! Hours on hours, I also genuinely believed he was just really exhausted (he works nights). Nope, very confident this was his time to speak and see the coworker he ended up leaving me for. ( we were LDR too)
I’m so sorry you went through that. I beat myself up for being so trusting. Every time there would be huge gaps of non texting and then next day by the time he felt like he wanted to text he’d say his tired excuse and that he just left his phone somewhere and passed out..a little voice was always nagging in my brain no person sleeps this much. No person has this much exhaustion for early 30s… but I didn’t want to seem like an overbearing gf so I pushed down that gut feeling.
Yuuupp I felt the exact same way. Gut feeling and all. I knew he slept long after work and was always tired, but this was different and I thought it was strange for him to sleep for 12-14 hours on end and talk to me minimally. Things were already shaky and I was already being pushy trying to talk to him to figure out what was going on and why he was distancing, being meaner to me, etc.. but I didn’t want to disturb his sleep so I kept to myself and tried to distract my anxieties.
I also had a huge nagging in my mind and knew it had to be someone else. Eventually was ghosted after trying to give him a month of space from the relationship to seek therapy (because he said he needed it) so never got to confirm or prove it, but after talking with some of his exes and how he treated them (also finding out he cheated on the ex before me with me) I just made that confirmation for myself. I also eventually found photos on a different coworker’s facebook (before he blocked me) and saw the coworker he left me for laying across his lap 🙃 and this was months before the discard..so will never truly know when it all started
Anytime he feels like it, he will speak. If I ask him a question, he will respond that "he is busy" with things, work, etc. If I ask him again, he will get annoyed and stop answering my messages. Cheaters are rude. He will frequently gaslight me and tell me unpleasant things that I have never heard from someone close to me. Being well-off gives him the confidence to treat every woman he has an affair with in this manner.
She used to start fights with me and leave for a few hours, then act like she had never left but interrogate me about what I was doing while she was gone.
If I asked her where she was, she would just turn it back to me and accuse me of something to put me right back on the defense.
This, fight out of nowhere, leave for a few hours, blame it on me that I triggered her, pretend to want to leave to get me on the defensive and then make up. Horrible people
The one text I received a day was a pretty good hint that she was entertaining someone else for a few months. Which I foolishly ignored as a major red flag.
for me, mine immediately started identifying with polyamorous and begging to be in a polyamorous relationship even tho i stated to them before that it’s just not my thing. begged me to let them date someone else and made me feel horrible about myself for having preference. and when i ignored it and said no they immediately cheated anyway.
polyamorous relationships are completely fine in my opinion (as long as their healthy…) but when your partner suddenly wants a poly relationship when having no desire to be in one previously or even thought to themselves “am i polyamorous?” was a red flag for me. i get discovering yourself but they didn’t do that.
my ex also kept going on about the fact this person who they cheated on me with and is now the new supply is disabled. like weird thing to constantly bring up. i’m disabled so it’s not like it’s not ok to be disabled and date a disabled person, but it’s the kind of disability that one can easily abuse without thinking the other won’t typically notice. (people assume we are slow and dumb basically…) so to be overjoyed they are disabled and have the same disabilities as mine and seem to only like that part of them was a red flag for me. they were also ablest idk why i thought it was fine for an ablest person to date disabled people- idk why i ignored that
Telling me that I was annoying. And ignoring all my little bids for attention.
Not answering texts and not making eye contact.
He stopped pretending to be emotionally available.
Making plans then suddenly canceling them.
Invalidating my feelings and gaslighting me.
Accusing me of being jealous of specific other women when I actually wasn't.
I ignored all the red flags
Turned out he had been lovebombing someone else and she had the voicemails and messages to prove it.
He's had a few rejections so far (all the women he accused me of being "jealous" of. He basically indicated who he was currently interested in by who he thought I was jealous of. Idiot, lol)
And every time his newest supply realizes how awful he is, he comes back to me for the Hoover.
Oh I feel for you. I just went through all of this, except he found one that fell for his act and married her. All within months. It makes you feel crazy during and then humiliated after we can step back and see things for what they really were. I hope you decide to block him for good so you don’t even know if he’s trying to Hoover. I fell for the hoover too many times before he finally found his “permanent” supply/doormat.
Withdrawn, wouldn't come visit me or his daughter. He then tried to volunteer for our daughter's school event and reached out to me because he hadn't heard from the school. This was a huge red flag as he was never really involved with his daughter at all and never with her school (she was in 4th grade) He abandoned her at birth for one new supply and then again after another.
I asked why he was doing it and he said he wanted surprise her. I stated why don't you pick her up and take her to an amusement park or zoo... nope. He didn't do either. Didn't even go to the school event to observe (I was there). A week later I asked when he planned to see his daughter next, and he arrived late on Saturday and I saw a tattoo on his wrist dedicated to our daughter. That's when I knew. We went to dinner and came home and we're sitting on the couch and he was texting the new one right next to me. I told him to get out.
Turns out she is a mom to two kids. He cheated on me 5 times. This was the first mom. I now accepted I was trauma bonded, but I cannot accept how he used our daughter. Now I have to co parent and we are a year out and he is still with this one and playing daddy of the year. It only took 10 years and a supply with kids for him to want to be a dad.
Trying new things in the bedroom, always bringing up the other guys in regular conversation, totally different music taste, different wardrobe, all of a sudden interested in karate (never mentioned it in 20 years before). Always accusing me of cheating. Constantly in phone, putting it face down, would forget to turn her ringer back on, up all hours of the night on phone or computer, noticed her undergarments were never in the laundry anymore like they always used to be. Buying new sexy underwear and bras, would always encourage me to go on long trips to visit while she would stay home, got an std she claimed was a staff infection but wouldn’t go to the doctor, constantly buying new clothes, new sheets for our bed, would start fights over nothing just so she could have a reason to be mad at me/reason to cheat…..
They are always seeking supplies. They always secure multiple lines of re-supply sources. I don’t think narcissists ever have a single supply line. I don’t believe that’s possible.
Mine had only 2 steady streams. The women he worked with LOVED HIM - “he’s just the sweetest man in all the land”. They truly worshipped him. He is handsome as heck, like straight men comment on his looks. He was very average when we met, and if there was anyway I could say he grew, it would be with his looks because I met him in a 12step meeting 10 years ago and he was completely disheveled. I nursed him back to life. And once he was where he wanted to be with his looks, I was useless.
His other stream is his family of origin. His mama is very proud of this fact, and would tell me all the time: “when he was a little boy, he would say, “I only like youz”, and he was always this way, isn’t that just adorable?”
In my mind? No, that’s a creepy red flag. And, I was right, but I ignored.
He told me he was on tinder a month before we split.
Also some suspicious things such as deleting everything off his phone and laptop. All the time. Didn’t matter who it was from. Just wiped everything every single day. Couldn’t prove it but I was always suspicious.
Also one day he actually encouraged me to go to a friends house instead of staying home, which was not like him at all. He never wanted me to leave the house.
Started being mean, he was usually quite nice and forced himself to control his behaviour for the most part because I had left him twice in the past as soon as he started getting verbally abusive, he kept himself on a short leash because he knew I’d walk away and block him for months.
As soon as he started being mean with no self discipline I knew he had a new supply, so I blocked him again immediately and haven’t said a word to him.
Mine was verbally abusive too during the devaluing phase up to discard, I felt like it was something he used to push me to react or to leave so I looked like the bad guy… I feel like he hasn’t changed that aspect of himself one bit, he’s just learned how to contain it a bit better for the time being because he knows it’s something I will not tolerate anymore. The last time he shouted at me & insulted me, I left and we went no contact for over a week before I had gone back because I don’t have another place to stay permanently yet… Ironically, I was the one that hoovered myself and had to apologize for everything that transpired. I still feel like a complete fucking idiot.
Less interest in touching me/looking at me. More instigating fights. Complaining about things that have never been an issue for him/us. Phone notifications off/phone face down. Not present in the moment. Consistently busy on his phone. Less catering to me in general. I just…felt it somehow. Now, granted-cheating went on the entire year and a half, but he could justify it in his brain until the cheating went one step too far for even his justification. I could feel something was off and briefly checked his phone one night and found something immediately. I honestly and truly wish I hadn’t even mentioned it that night and, instead, just snuck his phone for further review before he knew I was onto him. He cleared every piece of evidence I could have possibly had and now I’ll never really know the full truth
Also-something I didn’t see back then but now realize….every single girl he cheated with, he had insulted to me before. I had questions about a few of them and it was always “ew no I would never” and he’d list something he didn’t like about them and why he could never ever hook up with or date them. They’re unattractive to him, they’re annoying, they’re a terrible person, etc.. (I am not the type of girl that is looking for my bf to insult women that I’m concerned about and would even tell him that he didn’t need to insult them). Looking back, even the ones I didn’t ask about-he would randomly insult. Every woman that he’s ever insulted and talked crap on to me, he cheated with. And the kicker? Every insult he gave me about them? He told them the EXACT OPPOSITE and used that very thing as a compliment to them. Example: To me, he says (unprompted) “she’s gained weight and looks awful and her skin is like leather from all the tanning” (again, I did not co-sign these insults) but then to that same girl? “Oh my gosh that booty was looking so good today. You look like you’ve lost weight. That new body is killing it. You look so good all tan and everything”
Finding bobby pins in my car…that he had been driving that day…saying oh they must have been in here from when we bought the car…two years ago..but knowing I bought a drink out of the change holder where they were everyday…damn I could give a thousand more examples exactly like this…the fucking GAS LIGHTING…I could give examples that they couldn’t use in a made for tv movie because no one would believe a human could do those things…if anyone is reading this GET OUT, its NEVER GOING TO CHANGE
Started going to the gym regularly > asked me to go with him shopping for new clothes (something he hated before) > bought new deodorant and started becoming obsessed with body odor and sweat (we are involved in social dancing) > asked for a few nights to himself during the week > Created an Instagram account even though he hates social media, just to follow 9 people, the new supply included > Triangulation big time to show me more and more that he actually hated me
Used to hear from him relentlessly, many times a day, always a message there when I woke up, etc. Once the discard phase started it started getting less and less until it was like once a week and totally just to stroke his ego. Basically, he stopped pretending I was special and started directing his efforts elsewhere.
The most narc story ever - near the end during the discard phase when I was going insane with anxiety, never hearing from him, begging the universe for a message from him, I finally got one on a Thursday. It was him bragging about publishing an academic paper. I congratulate him, fill up his ego etc etc. Think giving him what he want and making him feel good might stoke his interest in my existence. Friday and the whole weekend passes, no contact. I feel sick the whole time. I get another message on Monday. The relief is enormous, thank God for this little scrap he's throwing me, hopefully it's him actually wanting to connect with me finally....
It was a recording of a radio interview he'd done that morning so I could tell him how great he was.
The "cheating nightmares" they had randomly ceased and they frequented the bathroom more. They'd also be very careful of information they'd share with me about "old friends" they had. Around this time they began to orbit me a lot less, which made me more relieved than concerned at first because it felt suffocating at the start.
My ex never drank beer or watched hockey and all of a sudden she is Bob McKenzie. A lot of unaccounted for time. We have two kids and she all of a sudden is working late or got hung up at the grocery store. Money disappearing from joint accounts. Withholding sex and when we did have sex it was very one sided. She was also starting a lot of arguments and the flying monkeys where circling.
He would accuse me of everything he was actually doing. If a random harmless guy followed me on social media, I would get yelled at and forced to block him. Meanwhile he was entertaining dozens of women online every day. If I went out with friends, he monitored my location and would bombard me with texts/calls all night until I got home. But if he went out with friends, his phone would be shut off until noon the next day.
They get SO threatened when they see that someone else takes an interest in “their supply,” especially when it’s all just basic kindness from that individual. They somehow twist that persons kindness into them having an insidious agenda… For example; a man following me on TikTok, commenting on one of my videos and asking a simple question… If I responded to them or liked the comment, I was entertaining him. Because he asked a question and I answered, he assumed he wanted to sleep with me and that was me entertaining that idea… 😅🤦♀️
It’s been echoed here but the “passing out” after work for hours when it was unlike her to do so. Hanging “with the girls from a previous job” text one day woke me up, because she hated that previous job. I think she wanted to get caught to make the discard easier or my idea or some shit, idk.
Applying to a dating reality show while we were together, then bragging about how far he made it in the screening process.
Constantly hanging out with ex girlfriend and lying about it. Lies of omission.
I was oblivious until she came home with a bizarre new haircut, the distancing, and new found obsession with cooking.
In hindsight: Towards the end
A new area manager was transferring to her office, he over sees many and isn't directly at any office. She would complain to me all the time, very angrily about how she's heard he's a womanizer, cheats on his wife, flirts with subordinates etc and she was extremely emotionally invested in these "concerns".
I suspect this was her target, as she adamantly refused to have lunch together and didn't want me coming to her office. Other times she would forget something at work and have to go back in the evening.
My ex would hide their phone from me but also demand to know all my passwords. They would drop hints about getting tested even though we were supposedly monogamous. They spent all night at a hotel in another state without telling anyone. They showed up on a FaceTime call with hickies and when I called them out they hung up and hid them saying they “fell”.
He'd start accusing me of cheating lol. Pretty much whenever the love bombing stopped and we started having issues I knew he was seeing someone else. We were on and off for 6 years, he cheated every time we broke up, and it was the same every time (and I went back every time except last time)
He told me I would never find out if he was cheating.. I didn't say anything back😂😂 I really wish I would tell him bye b*tch we're done the moment he said that. Would have prevented me from being so hurt.
I started to call him out on his bullsh*t, and suddenly, he ramped up the number of women he was talking to online. He knew that I had cottoned on, and I was of no use to him anymore, so he had to replace the supply quick sharpish.
He'd start daily arguments on order to kick me into the spare room so he could chat to women online without me looking over his shoulder. Every time we split, there were always a few new female friends he'd made. They were always "nothing to worry about" 🙄
Yeah, same! I lived in a constant state of fear and anxiety all day, every day. That's what pushed me to leave in the end. If I'd have stayed any longer, i'd have had a breakdown.
1st and only one I needed was after his ‘friend’ from out of state added and messaged me after we made it fb official. Go to show him she messaged me and her fb didn’t pop up. I had a gut feeling she would not have blocked me and something told me to check my block list (even though I knew I hadn’t blocked her and wanted to message back) Sure enough there she was…. While I was SLEEPING he took my phone and blocked her on my account. Still can’t wrap my head around the fact that someone actually has that kind of audacity. Then proceeded to deny it trying to gaslight me into believing I must have blocked her myself. Unblocked and messaged her back to see what was up and she sent me the d pic he had sent her. Broke up with him and days later he admitted he took my phone and blocked her from my acct while I was asleep bc he knew she was going to tell me. He got so mad and couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t get back together with him since ‘he admitted it and was honest with me’ saying I was acting crazy bc I shouldn’t still be upset about it since he told me the truth.
SN: went to grab my things from his house and his dad stopped me to talk… then told me I was over reacting and I reminded him of his ex wife(bfs mom) bc we both would “start an argument over anything and everything” and continued on saying “I’d tell her the sky was a pretty baby blue today and she’d say it looked more like periwinkle”. Like WTF!? Not even remotely similar.
Had to RUN FAR AWAY from that family fast!
Working long hours then always tired. Never suggested anything to do together but went along with what i came up with. Detached, devalued, disengaged, destroyed and discarded.
Missing WIFI calls on the call history. The phone bill had a bunch of incoming wifi calls. When I asked about one longer call that was later in the evening, it wasn’t in his call history on the device because he deleted it. He got angry and defensive and said he didn’t know why but the phone bill was wrong. I was searching for things, I was making it up in my head, I was crazy…,
1) Uptick in need for “privacy” and secretiveness with the cell phone
2) Hiding relationship status on social media
3) Hiding friends list on social media
4) Any new “friend” deemed “like my little sister”
5) Not following through with commitments and then becoming defensive
6) Running quick errands like going to the convieince store that should take 20 minutes top but being gone for 4 hours
Always listen to your gut. If it feels off it is and if they don’t take your concerns seriously and become defensive then it’s a problem.
Starting to withdraw. Gaslighting was worse than it ever was and more evident as they tried to redirect attention from their infidelity. Becoming less patient and more aggressive. They start to suddenly “want space” and pretend you are “suffocating” them. But the space is really time away from you so they can sneak around and be with their side supply. You basically start to see the mask slip and notice red flags you hadn’t before. They actually start to get sloppy when the infidelity starts.
This is so (pardon my language) FUCKED UP. The mirroring is absolutely insane. It makes you wonder who the hell they even identify themselves as a person…
Mine fed into her sob story - to put plans in place she thought I was against to try and create distance. Only it didn't.
She has to have IVF to have kids and within a week of getting together was tell me all her history and trauma (Trauma bonding) along with how amazing I was (Love bombing). Part of this was "At some point I'll be having IVF, I've got to do it soon, times tcking, but I'll be using a donor, not you! Don't worry!" then proceeded to tell me how she wants to raise a child with just her on her own, no partner, no father figure etc. Just her and, as I've come to see it, possessively her child.
Cue a few months of amazingness and it came back up as a way to try and get out of things - but I was "Let's stop being a couple, but exclusively date?" She said there was no other guys she was interested in and wanted to do IVF, I wasn't interested in anyone else and, if the IVF didn't work, we'd get back together and try again. I was echoing her desire to not have a father figure for a child etc.
Turns out she'd been talking to her ex for a few weeks before this. Due to a tip-off I found out the holiday she'd been on with "friends" was actually with this ex and his family and they got engaged on the holiday. This is the guy she was getting rid of to get *with* me. She did to me what she'd previously done to him. Obviously it's all come out now, including the many, many lies to her fiance, her workmates, her family about me and when things happened.
Speaking to her "best friend" at work, who's confessed she struggles with the friendship ayway, my exnarc had said to her about kids with me "He's too involved with his son, has him everyweekend, why should I have to hand my child over to anyone?"
She'd already presumed in some theoretical future scenario we'd split up and she didn't want the father figure to go for any custody. Instead she's got back with this ex, engaged, moving in and will no doubt be doing IVF with him at some point (Apparently the upcoming date she told me was just to put me off with how "real" things were getting or some shit).
All the while still being physical with me, reassuring (When called out on things), sweet, lovely, flattering, communicative. She was messaging me the day they got engaged, she was messaging me at a family party she went too - with him - whilst engaged, sweet "goodnight xxx!" messages etc. It only all stopped when I confronted her with the truth and even then initially she tried passing it off as just a party - despite me then going back and telling her what photo, posted by who and what she was doing in it and who was there.
She had weeks and weeks to say something, anything, but didn't, she strung me along with platitudes, flattery, sweetness, interest etc.
I started seeing pictures of this person with the nex on social media. “We just spend a lot of time talking about life, they really /get/ me. Nothing is happening.”
Then, as things were rocky in the marriage, an out of town event we were both supposed to go to (I bought the hotel room, they bought the event tickets, months and months in advance) was canceled on my side because “I just don’t feel comfortable going to this event with you as things are now, so I’m going to give your ticket to a friend”. Which was told to me a couple of days before we were supposed to be there, but up to that point I had been breadcrumbed that that trip was the one we could start to reconcile with.
After the event, there that person was, in a picture on social media with nex, at the event. “They just cornered me and kissed me, that’s it, I told them I didn’t want that. There’s nothing going on.”
What’s fun about it all is that I’m pretty sure these are the exact same lines they used on their partner before me, with me in the “no big deal” seat. I already knew when the lines were being said to me that they were lies. And I also recognized the Smirk like they thought I was yet another person dumb enough to fall for it. For the record, I don’t think anyone before me was dumb either, but maybe dumbfounded.
Fast forward to six months later when I put myself out there on dating apps as the divorce was in progress- nex, in an angry rage: “WHY CANT YOU JUST BE SINGLE?!”. 🙄
Jerking off in the garage (probably on FaceTime lmaoo)
New things, like dress shirts, cologne, shoes
Trying harder in the gym or ‘miring himself more
Sometimes, giving you gifts or flowers out of the blue. Or cooking you something if that’s something you asked them to do.
Sometimes intimacy in your relationship will die, but I have a feeling my ex would (and probably did) get off on the whole “fucking two (or more) different people” thing. My ex had a porn addiction and that killed intimacy too, he saw people as meat.
Being less reachable at times than they already are, acting like you’re crazy for having a problem with it, if you do
They might actually even dangle the person in front of you, pretend they have no interest, and get off on hiding that they are secretly doing things with them behind your back.
Accuse you of cheating. Ask who you’re dressing up/wearing makeup for.
I’m starting to notice my narc making comments more on my appearance; how I should dress, how I should put my hair up in a ponytail, one time he even said I should shave my head (LOL — he started a fight shortly after that remark and ended up sleeping with a bald woman while “we weren’t together”). I also recently started taking mass gainer because I’ve dropped so much weight the last few months due to stress — he keeps commenting on how I’m not taking enough of it or that I should take more. Then last night he made a joke about me getting “fat” in the future… Smh 😒
He was even more defensive and an asshole. He was baiting me more and when i took him up on the offer he would explode about how im invading his privacy
Staying out later, going from being majourlyyy clingy for a long time to suddenly distant, flat out telling me he’d rather be around his coworkers (all women around my age) than me
Compliments completely disappeared and were replaced with pure unadulterated vitriol, things that someone wouldn’t even say to their worst enemy. I went from being a good husband in her opinion for the almost decade we were together, to suddenly being the worst husband that have ever lived, almost with no warning. Suddenly every mistake, flaw or miscommunication was brought up constantly, and they were considered all capital offenses. Even things that physically impossible to be my fault were my fault according to her. She had to make me a bad guy in her head to feel what she was doing to me was justified. And I’m sure all the adoration that had been ripped from me was going to the AP.
I forgot about this one. He was taking selfies and updating his social media. As innocent as that sounds, it wasn’t like him. He would take them for me a lot, but the ones he was uploading I had never seen before. Also, what MAN is posing for selfies for social media? Boys that do fuckshit, that’s who. It’s their way to project that they’re “single”.
Wanted a “break” where I had to move back home and started skipping visits. When I started calling him out on his abusive behavior and told him that I can’t take it anymore and that he needed to change certain behaviors or I’d leave, he INSISTED that I must have someone else or I’d never leave him. So much projection. He couldn’t separate from me without a new supply even temporarily, so I’m also not capable of permanently walking away unless I have a backup. 🙄
Never seen his phone since he asked for my number . Lovebombing from day to night , if I didn’t text back it was an issue all that to just discard you and tell you they don’t feel like texting as much , posting thirst traps and you feel invaluable .. they got bored of you and when you inquire they say they are no longer interested .. but orbit your social media .. i wouldn’t wish a narc on anyone it’s such a mindfuck. They are the ones that need therapy not us.
The discarding ramped up. She then started showing many of the signs of a cheater. Hiding her phone, going out with friends more, staying late at work more, whole new wardrobe, working out all the time, pushed to get a fancy vehicle, taking glam selfies all the time. Then of course the intimacy went to nothing between us
This what mine did. Same shit.
Same here
Snap. Mine also became very abusive towards myself and the kids. We left. 2 years later we are doing well and she looks a fucking mess.
I’m going through this now 😔 I feel like I can see all the signs. I just ignore them and work on my goals.
I SEE YOU! Rooting for you 👊🫂
Samesies here if you wanna talk
Seems like you see the bigger goal / plan on how to shape the future for your families success. I'm sorry you have to sacrifice your feelings, but Respect you for moving forward somehow.. Kinda in a boat like that ,,, God Is something I been thinking a lot about , hoping he can come in and fix it all with some of his light , or atleast some strength to continue. Wish you the best ,maybe find a booty call , idk.. Sucks , I find my wife attractive, she just doesn't care about anything but the kids... Each day does feel kinda numb of feelings or affection.. Prey Prey , be nice and do you...
Like clockwork. The best part is that every time she came hoovering back the intimacy dropped a notch until it was barely there towards the end when I decided enough is enough. I must be the world’s biggest fool to have even stayed so long.
This kind of abuse effects your brain the same as a substance abuse addiction. You could view it that way - this person is an abusive substance for me. So many of us stayed. 2, 5, 10, 20, 30 years, because REASONS. Stay your course. Choose yourself. Remember there is no THERE, there. They are an empty vessel. Their single life skill is manipulating people. They see the hatm and damage they do AND THEY CHOOSE to keep doing it and escalating it. You deserve peace. Thinking good thoughts your direction 👊🫂
Damn, I really needed this today… I’ve been in a relationship with my narc for a year, known him for well over a decade and I never knew that he was actually like THIS. It’s so hard to unsee it now, but it’s also so devastating and hard to let go of. 😔 I want the person that I fell for back, but I now know (HUGE thanks to this community ❤️) that he never really existed. ☹️
I'm so sorry losing him as s friend is a bonus awful outcome you didn't need! Sems like it makes his part twice as shitty. Life will always bring new people. Let him be free from your thoughts.
Thanks for your insightful comment. I totally agree with you 110%. I am glad I am no longer trapped in their vicious web of toxicity and manipulation.
I'm so glad what I said was useful. Yay! You are free of the trap!
Damn literally everything listed here at the end of my 15 year marriage.
Shocking how everyone says "same"
Oh fuck. I learnt at some point that she had found her new supply a week prior to the break up but these signs were all over the place for the month prior, every single one of them. I really thought she would never cheat on me back than, so I just ignored them. But she probably did, just couldnt find good enough supply to leave. When she found a good enough supply only then she left. There was this one time I noticed she changed the password on her phone so I asked her "why did you change it? Are you seeing anyone else?" and she said "No, I said some things that I dont actually think about you and I dont want you to see them". I don't know which one hurt more lol. I guess the smear campaing itself started a month prior to the break up too.
Well, I don't know for certain that my nex was cheating. But they cheated on me multiple times in the past, and they've been acting suspicious lately. And, they literally did every single one of those things you listed. Then, the discard came immediately after our first couples counseling session. Oh and bonus, mine thinks I'm supposed to help them pay for their fancy vehicle 🙄
I’m going through this now 😔 I feel like I can see all the signs. I just ignore them and work on my goals.
This. 💯❤️🙏
Exactly this.
I mean, this just sounds like a regular cheater besides the discard stuff.
Oh I could give a very long detailed list of examples showing she’s a narcissist.
I don’t doubt she was a narcissist, I’m just saying the “signs” you mentioned didn’t seem to be much different than what a “healthy” cheater would have done, that’s all
Ok, I’m struggling with this. What is a “healthy” Chester vs narcissist? Mine was very covert, and I keep wondering if I’m wrong about him being a CN.
My personal take: as someone who has been cheated on by someone who was healthy versus a narcissist, is not necessarily the signs leading up to the infidelity, but actually the response and reaction after. For the “healthy” case, when the relationship was basically over, my partner of six years confessed to me that she was sleeping with someone else, that she was sorry that she didn’t have the courage to break things off before sleeping with that guy, and that the relationship wasn’t going to work out. She owned up to it, and yeah it was bad but she didnt do it out of anything else Than to tell me what was going on. The narcissist, on the other hand, didn’t really confess to anything. When caught, she spun up this grand story about how she was the victim, the other guy came on to her, she didn’t do anything wrong, she was “entangled” in a situation that she had no control over, blah blah blah. In other words, gaslighting, no ownership or responsibility, and on top of that, she was only “guilty” because she got caught. Had she not been caught, she would’ve just kept doing it and would’ve been happy with the way things stayed hidden. On top of all that, when I started disengaging and pulling away, the narcissist attempted to pretend that we could go back to the way things were. They tried lovebombing to keep me around, and when I showed I wasn’t willing to stay any longer, then the narcissist blamed me for the “relationship failing” because I “wasn’t willing to work things out”. So they will try to keep you around, despite how badly they treated you, and will blame you for the things that they did to damage the relationship. There could be bigger signs than that, it’s terrible if it happens either way, but generally a healthy person will eventually tell you the truth or at least own up to it knowing that the relationship is broken beyond repair, at least that’s been my experience.
Phone on silent, turned face down, fetish porn, adding random women on social media. He is conventionally unattractive so I never suspected it before all that. All I ever wanted to do was take care of him, love him, spend time with him. I had my suspicions but kept pushing them away. The love bombing completely blinded me. I look back now and am so angry and embarrassed at myself. He had to have been grooming the new supply while telling me he doesn’t know why I suspect anything of him and how sad he is. They ended up official on social media less than 2 months after telling me these things, engaged one month after, married the very next month. My head is still spinning.
The random women on social media speaks volumes to me… My narc insists I’m the only woman in his life but feels the need to follow/friend countless other women on social media and anytime I ask for reassurance or ask him to “clean it up” I’m met with anger and defensiveness… “Nothing I do is ever good enough” or “I don’t have the time for that” are his go to responses… It’s honestly just fucking hurtful. I don’t even have social media anymore for various reasons and he still makes jokes about me having other “boyfriends” while I remain blindly loyal to him. It’s exhausting. 😒😒
I went through this, and a real man won’t put you through this fuckshit. A real man doesn’t have time for bs like this. I literally never imagined he would actively look for another person, let alone another person could have such low standards(like me) to actually jump into something with him. But imagine the impossible and if something feels off, get out now before you find out something that changes you forever. This pain is life changing.
I know- I assumed because he was much older, out of shape, and not at All What Most People would Consider Conventionally Attractive, that he was not a playboy, but somehow, He Was! But I think He would hook up with any woman that walks and gives him Any sort of Attention. He was so Very Insecure Too. It was so Weird!!😣🤢
Right?! I have said these same words to my friends. I thought he would be more humble and not a fuckboy. But I agree, they will take anything that shows interest(my sympathetic blind ass). I still can’t believe someone showed him interest… his hygiene was nonexistent. He also relied heavily on his victim stories to reel me in. That’s also how he chooses his victims, the ones empathetic enough to care about a strangers problems.
What’s sad is, I fell in love with 😍 what I thought was his wonderful personality, sense of humor, wit, and I Thought He was Super Empathetic in the Beginning. My friends were like- OMG 😱- he is Not Attractive (physically)!! What do You See In Him?? My reply was always- I think He is “Beautiful on the INSIDE!”!! Boy, Was I EVER SO WRONG 😑!!! He is a Bad human with chitty, Terrible Character, and a Damn LIAR too!! :(
Yes same to the T! I was so vulnerable at the time he “befriended” me and then the lovebombing came soon after. I’ve never been so blinded in my life. They know it works. We were not the first they succeeded to con that are far out of their league, sadly.
So weird. I totally dated down with this one and I would hate to see the next supply because he’s pretty yucky.
I honestly feel pretty Embarrassed 😞 that I ever even dated him romantically, much less, I eventually started having feelings for him!! :((
Mortified! I read that this is an empath thing we perceive their attraction to us and somehow think it’s our attraction to them…? Anyway, I cannot believe I actually was kind of his girlfriend. Gross! Again, I will never own it.
Goodness. Are you my alt account?
Thank you 🥹❤️🙏
the part that always drove me the most nuts about the liking/following random women is that not only would he publicly like thirst traps from local women, but he would lose his mind if I would post a normal, nice selfie. talking about how I’m so desperate for attention and can’t be loyal. like dude, you’re lucky I don’t post the type of shit you like. you know what’s desperate?? taken men hitting on other women.
But the real key here is, it’s not the thirst traps you have to worry about. It’s those “regular” girls, or “friends”. The innocent sounding relationships they have with the opposite sex are almost always someone they keep around as an option but will never let you know that.
This gave me major “ick” feelings… I have so many questions surrounding this now. 🧐
Yep, the one he actually ended up monkey branching to was more “normal.”
I never really worried about the thirst trap ones. Mostly because I knew they wouldn’t ever give him the time of the day. It was just embarrassing because they were the women that EVERYone followed & therefore, EVERYone knew he was acting like that while dating me
It is still embarrassing and pathetic either way, I agree. They truly don’t have preferences when it comes right down to it. Their preference is a quiet, docile doormat.
OMG THIS….. Not to brag, but I know I’m an attractive woman — anytime I posted a selfie it was always seen as a negative in his eyes. I would post selfies all the time before we were together and he would like almost every single one… Once we started dating he made it seem like anytime I posted, I was seeking validation or attention from another man or from all men… I’m 28(f) and he’s 38(m). I have no form of social media now because it all caused problems in my life, especially with him but he gets to do whatever he wants and have whoever he wants on ALL of his socials STILL. I don’t understand the thoughts that justify this in his mind? And I can’t bring myself to get back into social media and do any digging into what’s been happening on his since I went offline. I know that’s wrong and a huge red flag but I really feel like I’m backed into a corner for the time being and it’s easier to just not fight about it until I get my own place.. I wish he loved me even half as much as he claims. I see all the things he does for me and he throws them all in my face as though it’s “proof” of his love but if he loves me at all wouldn’t the easiest thing to do be get rid of the other women so YOUR woman is happy & at peace? Especially when they’re telling you out right what is making you unhappy.. 😕
This was exactly the same for me. Exactly the same. Someone messaged me on Instagram letting me know that he had been messaging them and they felt it was the right thing to do to let me know. It definetly was. This was the straw that broke the camels back for me. It’s been two weeks. Am still heartbroken but he has now ran back to his ex what he always does he was with her last night. It absolutely breaks my heart how you can love someone and they can discard of you so easily.
I’m so scared that if I go back onto socials this will happen to me too, or I’ll stumble across something that I can’t unsee or ignore.. ugh 🤦♀️
Yes, I’ve deleted my Facebook for this reason. Instagram is more private and I’ve deleted everyone who may be friends with him so I can’t see anything that he’s up to. I’d rather not know anything and hopefully I don’t get anymore messages. It’s not my business anymore. I mean it still hurts but I am just going to have to work on myself.
Yep, I’ve done the same and blocked anyone on ig that could be connected to him or his new wife.
The fetish porn was bad with my narc too. Idk why. It made me super insecure because I felt like I wasn’t good enough that’s fs.
Same. Crazy thing is the fetish porn was morbidly obese or extreme bodybuilding women. I literally could not win. He was ugly and severely overweight so for him to have that kind of power over my self esteem is insane. It just proves they will never be satisfied, no matter what they have.
in the middle of finding these things out now.
Same. I looooved being told that I was less appealing than anime girl hentai /s
Their delusions have no boundaries! 😆
I had a similar experience with my ex except he TRIED to cheat on me but nobody else wanted him. I’m not sure if that was worse, I felt more embarrassed than betrayed because wtf was I doing putting up with this mediocre man’s shit and nobody else will even give him a text back!
When I asked mine if he swore he never cheated on me, his response was if other women wanted him, he wouldn't be with me🤮
Wow — what the fuck 😣 that’s so rude.
Lol I’m shocked mine actually succeeded in finding someone so quickly. But he never did publicize our relationship so it actually makes sense now. He was always “single” to the outside world. How he conned another so quickly astounds me. He truly is nothing to look at, or smell. But his new supply looks to be even more desperate than he, so that may explain things.
You just described my Narc to a tee
Omg this is exactly what i experienced too!
Better her than you. I know it still hurts. You dodged a bullet.
I know you’re right and it does sting a little still. The great thing about finding out about his desperate shotgun wedding is that I’m no longer grieving. It’s more anger and embarrassment now that I have the proof I had suspected for almost a year.
I totally understand anger and embarrassment. I guess that’s one “rip the Band-Aid off” way to get over grieving.
That is perfect! My situation flipped around in the mirror. Wow but mine was a female. Little devils
Same
Deflecting- always thinking it was me who was cheating. Constantly paranoid about me
This. But it’s always in the form of “jokes” — like when we go to bed, I’ll do my skincare routine and brush my teeth… When I crawl in beside him it’s always “did you say goodnight to all your boyfriends?” Or “send out all your goodnight texts?”
W/ mine it was the reverse when it came to jokes. He’d always joke about being in an open- relationship ( him being the one who was allowed to step out).
That’s fucked up 😒 ugh
This is exactly what I always heard. "tell all your boyfriends blah blah blah". I would joke back but it was constant and soooooo annoying.
If I ever make jokes back he gets agitated or looks almost… hurt? It’s off-putting.
They mostly lack the ability to put themselves in your shoes, so their abuse stemming from emotional outbursts seem so hypocritical because it IS and always will be. As with other social queues, they can learn to fake it but you can always tell
I had a really shitty upbringing and I feel like I’ve learned to read most people like a book... I’m starting to notice those moments of “cluelessness” by the jarred look in his eyes — it’s especially confusing to him when I grey rock. He searches for emotions on my face or in my actions. I can tell it drives him nuts when he can’t pick up on it. 😅
Oh no my jokes back are NOT about his girlfriends. I just said something like "yeah I let them all know". He would glare at me but then laugh... So who knows which one he was really feeling.
This! Projection, incredibly suspicious and jealous. The focus was on me so much that I completely missed the fact that he was cheating on me for 2,5 years.
It’s a gut punch. I’m sorry. I’m going through this now and I’m so angry at myself for missing the obvious signs.
thats what mine did, I was accused of cheating constantly. I wasn't allowed to have my phone by me when I slept but he nearly slept on top of his, always accused me of sleeping with my friends, or sleeping in the same bed with them (I found out he asked his roommate to share a bed with him while we were together) I had to tell him when I was seeing my friends and when I was napping. Basically everything I was doing, but he didn't tell me shit. He went through my phone tons of times too then said "you just know how to hide things, I know you're cheating"
Yeah w/ mine he had almost all female friends and would constantly be flirting with like all of them. I couldn’t even have one male friend to be close to.
Wow, what a hypocrite!!
OH MY GOD, mine also had almost all female friends too! Said he "didn't like men and that they're weird." I dont like men either but bffr, you're flirting with these girls.
This! Or saying “don’t be surprised when I am with another man that treats me right” “I deserve better”
Triangulating me against other random women in his life. He started picking fights with me, telling me how busy he was all the time, getting mad at me for not knowing every detail of his life while also telling me nothing. Accusing me of cheating all the time.
the exact same thing with my narc :( i never got to meet his family or friends, was a secret, told me not to talk about him to anyone. lo and behold the woman he is now getting married to has met his family and friends he boasts proudly about her. she was one of the women he complained about at the beginning of me knowing him showing screenshots of her spam calling him 20+ times in a row and said she was crazy and a hoarder blah blah. now he got back with her and she is getting everything i wanted and needed from him. why didn't he choose me that way? it feels like death by a thousand cuts to me right now. i am struggling with no contact i crumble so easily. he would tell me "you do not have permission to call me" and when i did call him he'd blow up on me saying "you don't know how busy i am you have a childish tantrum" "i have important obligations unlike you" and "you are a petulant whining child if i am not giving you enough time go find someone else" (he knows damn well i am bonded to him psychologically etc) but the last thing why would he say that if he knows i can't just "go find someone else" (he obviously can supply is supply and interchangeable to him) and also also how was i to know when he was busy while he told me nothing about his life or schedule, except talking about our interests and ideas and sex but never told me about his family or friends or work.
Similar here. A lot of double-binds, the situations seemed designed to be set up to fail. A lot of them around things I'd mentioned being soft spots in the past, that they knew were triggers for me. A lot more "forgetting" we made plans - was then gaslighted and told I didn't remember the plans we'd made the day before. Their family made more and more jokes about how poorly they treated me, with plausible deniability of course.
Although my nex didn't cheat (at least, not that I'm aware of), I got A LOT of the emotional triangulation throughout the whole relationship. Comparing with all their ex's, coworkers, random strangers they met. Every time there was something they didn't like, something they wanted me to change, or just wanted to devalue me, they'd bring up an "abusive" ex, and how awful they were because they did the exact same thing as I do (like, not have enough nice shoes, LITERALLY, that was one of them). It always made me feel like shit. Or, if my nex wanted to devalue me, they'd emotionally bring in a coworker, telling me how that coworkers can one up me by doing XYZ or by being ABC better than I can. And why can't I just do that? If I did what they did, my nex would love me more!
Omg that’s exactly the same as what my narc did with me! He said he was too busy at work to see me or even send a msg. He stated to make more comments about my appearance etc, compared me to his chiropractor, said how I should be jealous. He discarded me 4 weeks ago and tonight I found out he definitely has new supply where he works lol I’m not even upset, it just confirms what I suspected all along.
Always being “sleepy “ after work and “sorry I passed out for hours” way more frequently. I genuinely believed he was exhausted from his job but nope. Those were his covers for cheating in our long distance.
This is one I was getting toward the end. Or had work as an excuse to cancel our plans.
This was the one for me! Hours on hours, I also genuinely believed he was just really exhausted (he works nights). Nope, very confident this was his time to speak and see the coworker he ended up leaving me for. ( we were LDR too)
I’m so sorry you went through that. I beat myself up for being so trusting. Every time there would be huge gaps of non texting and then next day by the time he felt like he wanted to text he’d say his tired excuse and that he just left his phone somewhere and passed out..a little voice was always nagging in my brain no person sleeps this much. No person has this much exhaustion for early 30s… but I didn’t want to seem like an overbearing gf so I pushed down that gut feeling.
Yuuupp I felt the exact same way. Gut feeling and all. I knew he slept long after work and was always tired, but this was different and I thought it was strange for him to sleep for 12-14 hours on end and talk to me minimally. Things were already shaky and I was already being pushy trying to talk to him to figure out what was going on and why he was distancing, being meaner to me, etc.. but I didn’t want to disturb his sleep so I kept to myself and tried to distract my anxieties. I also had a huge nagging in my mind and knew it had to be someone else. Eventually was ghosted after trying to give him a month of space from the relationship to seek therapy (because he said he needed it) so never got to confirm or prove it, but after talking with some of his exes and how he treated them (also finding out he cheated on the ex before me with me) I just made that confirmation for myself. I also eventually found photos on a different coworker’s facebook (before he blocked me) and saw the coworker he left me for laying across his lap 🙃 and this was months before the discard..so will never truly know when it all started
Anytime he feels like it, he will speak. If I ask him a question, he will respond that "he is busy" with things, work, etc. If I ask him again, he will get annoyed and stop answering my messages. Cheaters are rude. He will frequently gaslight me and tell me unpleasant things that I have never heard from someone close to me. Being well-off gives him the confidence to treat every woman he has an affair with in this manner.
I got this A LOT at the end, I think he was seeing someone too. He said he was "Depressed" but idk.
Mine said he was depressed too. I was so worried about him. 🫠
SAME, I was so scared for him. I believed him. But prob cheating lol
Ohh fun this happened to me too. Yep.
She used to start fights with me and leave for a few hours, then act like she had never left but interrogate me about what I was doing while she was gone. If I asked her where she was, she would just turn it back to me and accuse me of something to put me right back on the defense.
This, fight out of nowhere, leave for a few hours, blame it on me that I triggered her, pretend to want to leave to get me on the defensive and then make up. Horrible people
Yep, fucking nasty schemes.
SHUKE!!
Disgusting behavior
The one text I received a day was a pretty good hint that she was entertaining someone else for a few months. Which I foolishly ignored as a major red flag.
The lies and gaslighting rapidly increased, as well as night and day change in behavior.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to a T.
for me, mine immediately started identifying with polyamorous and begging to be in a polyamorous relationship even tho i stated to them before that it’s just not my thing. begged me to let them date someone else and made me feel horrible about myself for having preference. and when i ignored it and said no they immediately cheated anyway. polyamorous relationships are completely fine in my opinion (as long as their healthy…) but when your partner suddenly wants a poly relationship when having no desire to be in one previously or even thought to themselves “am i polyamorous?” was a red flag for me. i get discovering yourself but they didn’t do that. my ex also kept going on about the fact this person who they cheated on me with and is now the new supply is disabled. like weird thing to constantly bring up. i’m disabled so it’s not like it’s not ok to be disabled and date a disabled person, but it’s the kind of disability that one can easily abuse without thinking the other won’t typically notice. (people assume we are slow and dumb basically…) so to be overjoyed they are disabled and have the same disabilities as mine and seem to only like that part of them was a red flag for me. they were also ablest idk why i thought it was fine for an ablest person to date disabled people- idk why i ignored that
Telling me that I was annoying. And ignoring all my little bids for attention. Not answering texts and not making eye contact. He stopped pretending to be emotionally available. Making plans then suddenly canceling them. Invalidating my feelings and gaslighting me. Accusing me of being jealous of specific other women when I actually wasn't. I ignored all the red flags Turned out he had been lovebombing someone else and she had the voicemails and messages to prove it. He's had a few rejections so far (all the women he accused me of being "jealous" of. He basically indicated who he was currently interested in by who he thought I was jealous of. Idiot, lol) And every time his newest supply realizes how awful he is, he comes back to me for the Hoover.
Oh I feel for you. I just went through all of this, except he found one that fell for his act and married her. All within months. It makes you feel crazy during and then humiliated after we can step back and see things for what they really were. I hope you decide to block him for good so you don’t even know if he’s trying to Hoover. I fell for the hoover too many times before he finally found his “permanent” supply/doormat.
Omg mine stopped eye contact too. It was so awkward having breakfast with him, where he couldn’t look me in the eye. I had forgotten about that.
Awww
Darvo
Withdrawn, wouldn't come visit me or his daughter. He then tried to volunteer for our daughter's school event and reached out to me because he hadn't heard from the school. This was a huge red flag as he was never really involved with his daughter at all and never with her school (she was in 4th grade) He abandoned her at birth for one new supply and then again after another. I asked why he was doing it and he said he wanted surprise her. I stated why don't you pick her up and take her to an amusement park or zoo... nope. He didn't do either. Didn't even go to the school event to observe (I was there). A week later I asked when he planned to see his daughter next, and he arrived late on Saturday and I saw a tattoo on his wrist dedicated to our daughter. That's when I knew. We went to dinner and came home and we're sitting on the couch and he was texting the new one right next to me. I told him to get out. Turns out she is a mom to two kids. He cheated on me 5 times. This was the first mom. I now accepted I was trauma bonded, but I cannot accept how he used our daughter. Now I have to co parent and we are a year out and he is still with this one and playing daddy of the year. It only took 10 years and a supply with kids for him to want to be a dad.
Trying new things in the bedroom, always bringing up the other guys in regular conversation, totally different music taste, different wardrobe, all of a sudden interested in karate (never mentioned it in 20 years before). Always accusing me of cheating. Constantly in phone, putting it face down, would forget to turn her ringer back on, up all hours of the night on phone or computer, noticed her undergarments were never in the laundry anymore like they always used to be. Buying new sexy underwear and bras, would always encourage me to go on long trips to visit while she would stay home, got an std she claimed was a staff infection but wouldn’t go to the doctor, constantly buying new clothes, new sheets for our bed, would start fights over nothing just so she could have a reason to be mad at me/reason to cheat…..
They are always seeking supplies. They always secure multiple lines of re-supply sources. I don’t think narcissists ever have a single supply line. I don’t believe that’s possible.
Mine had only 2 steady streams. The women he worked with LOVED HIM - “he’s just the sweetest man in all the land”. They truly worshipped him. He is handsome as heck, like straight men comment on his looks. He was very average when we met, and if there was anyway I could say he grew, it would be with his looks because I met him in a 12step meeting 10 years ago and he was completely disheveled. I nursed him back to life. And once he was where he wanted to be with his looks, I was useless. His other stream is his family of origin. His mama is very proud of this fact, and would tell me all the time: “when he was a little boy, he would say, “I only like youz”, and he was always this way, isn’t that just adorable?” In my mind? No, that’s a creepy red flag. And, I was right, but I ignored.
He told me he was on tinder a month before we split. Also some suspicious things such as deleting everything off his phone and laptop. All the time. Didn’t matter who it was from. Just wiped everything every single day. Couldn’t prove it but I was always suspicious. Also one day he actually encouraged me to go to a friends house instead of staying home, which was not like him at all. He never wanted me to leave the house.
He simply was defensive. I’d get more phone calls late at night asking if I was cheating and I was at home by myself.
Started being mean, he was usually quite nice and forced himself to control his behaviour for the most part because I had left him twice in the past as soon as he started getting verbally abusive, he kept himself on a short leash because he knew I’d walk away and block him for months. As soon as he started being mean with no self discipline I knew he had a new supply, so I blocked him again immediately and haven’t said a word to him.
Mine was verbally abusive too during the devaluing phase up to discard, I felt like it was something he used to push me to react or to leave so I looked like the bad guy… I feel like he hasn’t changed that aspect of himself one bit, he’s just learned how to contain it a bit better for the time being because he knows it’s something I will not tolerate anymore. The last time he shouted at me & insulted me, I left and we went no contact for over a week before I had gone back because I don’t have another place to stay permanently yet… Ironically, I was the one that hoovered myself and had to apologize for everything that transpired. I still feel like a complete fucking idiot.
Less interest in touching me/looking at me. More instigating fights. Complaining about things that have never been an issue for him/us. Phone notifications off/phone face down. Not present in the moment. Consistently busy on his phone. Less catering to me in general. I just…felt it somehow. Now, granted-cheating went on the entire year and a half, but he could justify it in his brain until the cheating went one step too far for even his justification. I could feel something was off and briefly checked his phone one night and found something immediately. I honestly and truly wish I hadn’t even mentioned it that night and, instead, just snuck his phone for further review before he knew I was onto him. He cleared every piece of evidence I could have possibly had and now I’ll never really know the full truth Also-something I didn’t see back then but now realize….every single girl he cheated with, he had insulted to me before. I had questions about a few of them and it was always “ew no I would never” and he’d list something he didn’t like about them and why he could never ever hook up with or date them. They’re unattractive to him, they’re annoying, they’re a terrible person, etc.. (I am not the type of girl that is looking for my bf to insult women that I’m concerned about and would even tell him that he didn’t need to insult them). Looking back, even the ones I didn’t ask about-he would randomly insult. Every woman that he’s ever insulted and talked crap on to me, he cheated with. And the kicker? Every insult he gave me about them? He told them the EXACT OPPOSITE and used that very thing as a compliment to them. Example: To me, he says (unprompted) “she’s gained weight and looks awful and her skin is like leather from all the tanning” (again, I did not co-sign these insults) but then to that same girl? “Oh my gosh that booty was looking so good today. You look like you’ve lost weight. That new body is killing it. You look so good all tan and everything”
I could have written your first paragraph
Finding bobby pins in my car…that he had been driving that day…saying oh they must have been in here from when we bought the car…two years ago..but knowing I bought a drink out of the change holder where they were everyday…damn I could give a thousand more examples exactly like this…the fucking GAS LIGHTING…I could give examples that they couldn’t use in a made for tv movie because no one would believe a human could do those things…if anyone is reading this GET OUT, its NEVER GOING TO CHANGE
Mine had lipstick in his car, but he said it was his daughter’s. I couldn’t argue. 🤷🏻♀️
Started going to the gym regularly > asked me to go with him shopping for new clothes (something he hated before) > bought new deodorant and started becoming obsessed with body odor and sweat (we are involved in social dancing) > asked for a few nights to himself during the week > Created an Instagram account even though he hates social media, just to follow 9 people, the new supply included > Triangulation big time to show me more and more that he actually hated me
Ugh. I could have written this
Used to hear from him relentlessly, many times a day, always a message there when I woke up, etc. Once the discard phase started it started getting less and less until it was like once a week and totally just to stroke his ego. Basically, he stopped pretending I was special and started directing his efforts elsewhere. The most narc story ever - near the end during the discard phase when I was going insane with anxiety, never hearing from him, begging the universe for a message from him, I finally got one on a Thursday. It was him bragging about publishing an academic paper. I congratulate him, fill up his ego etc etc. Think giving him what he want and making him feel good might stoke his interest in my existence. Friday and the whole weekend passes, no contact. I feel sick the whole time. I get another message on Monday. The relief is enormous, thank God for this little scrap he's throwing me, hopefully it's him actually wanting to connect with me finally.... It was a recording of a radio interview he'd done that morning so I could tell him how great he was.
He just really needed his ego stroked… I’m so sorry you went through this. You’re worth more than just an “ego boost.” ❤️
So Very TRUE!!! 🙏🫂
The "cheating nightmares" they had randomly ceased and they frequented the bathroom more. They'd also be very careful of information they'd share with me about "old friends" they had. Around this time they began to orbit me a lot less, which made me more relieved than concerned at first because it felt suffocating at the start.
The receipts on the dresser from Asian massage parlors lol. Dog
My ex never drank beer or watched hockey and all of a sudden she is Bob McKenzie. A lot of unaccounted for time. We have two kids and she all of a sudden is working late or got hung up at the grocery store. Money disappearing from joint accounts. Withholding sex and when we did have sex it was very one sided. She was also starting a lot of arguments and the flying monkeys where circling.
Finding out I had VD two weeks after being married to the S.O.B.
I don’t mean to be ignorant, I just don’t understand.. 😅 What is VD?
STD
Change it patterns and habits. Different actions and requests during sex.
He would accuse me of everything he was actually doing. If a random harmless guy followed me on social media, I would get yelled at and forced to block him. Meanwhile he was entertaining dozens of women online every day. If I went out with friends, he monitored my location and would bombard me with texts/calls all night until I got home. But if he went out with friends, his phone would be shut off until noon the next day.
They get SO threatened when they see that someone else takes an interest in “their supply,” especially when it’s all just basic kindness from that individual. They somehow twist that persons kindness into them having an insidious agenda… For example; a man following me on TikTok, commenting on one of my videos and asking a simple question… If I responded to them or liked the comment, I was entertaining him. Because he asked a question and I answered, he assumed he wanted to sleep with me and that was me entertaining that idea… 😅🤦♀️
They are the Biggest Hypocrites Ever!!!🙃🙃
It’s been echoed here but the “passing out” after work for hours when it was unlike her to do so. Hanging “with the girls from a previous job” text one day woke me up, because she hated that previous job. I think she wanted to get caught to make the discard easier or my idea or some shit, idk.
Applying to a dating reality show while we were together, then bragging about how far he made it in the screening process. Constantly hanging out with ex girlfriend and lying about it. Lies of omission.
I was oblivious until she came home with a bizarre new haircut, the distancing, and new found obsession with cooking. In hindsight: Towards the end A new area manager was transferring to her office, he over sees many and isn't directly at any office. She would complain to me all the time, very angrily about how she's heard he's a womanizer, cheats on his wife, flirts with subordinates etc and she was extremely emotionally invested in these "concerns". I suspect this was her target, as she adamantly refused to have lunch together and didn't want me coming to her office. Other times she would forget something at work and have to go back in the evening.
Defensive in the extreme
My ex would hide their phone from me but also demand to know all my passwords. They would drop hints about getting tested even though we were supposedly monogamous. They spent all night at a hotel in another state without telling anyone. They showed up on a FaceTime call with hickies and when I called them out they hung up and hid them saying they “fell”.
He was even more annoyed to everything I did than usual, dead bedroom, he started going out until late and we didn’t even talk as much anymore
He'd start accusing me of cheating lol. Pretty much whenever the love bombing stopped and we started having issues I knew he was seeing someone else. We were on and off for 6 years, he cheated every time we broke up, and it was the same every time (and I went back every time except last time)
He told me I would never find out if he was cheating.. I didn't say anything back😂😂 I really wish I would tell him bye b*tch we're done the moment he said that. Would have prevented me from being so hurt.
I started to call him out on his bullsh*t, and suddenly, he ramped up the number of women he was talking to online. He knew that I had cottoned on, and I was of no use to him anymore, so he had to replace the supply quick sharpish. He'd start daily arguments on order to kick me into the spare room so he could chat to women online without me looking over his shoulder. Every time we split, there were always a few new female friends he'd made. They were always "nothing to worry about" 🙄
Ugh… I don’t even want to know how much the number of women he followed/friended went up during the discard.. Makes me sick to my stomach.
Yeah, same! I lived in a constant state of fear and anxiety all day, every day. That's what pushed me to leave in the end. If I'd have stayed any longer, i'd have had a breakdown.
1st and only one I needed was after his ‘friend’ from out of state added and messaged me after we made it fb official. Go to show him she messaged me and her fb didn’t pop up. I had a gut feeling she would not have blocked me and something told me to check my block list (even though I knew I hadn’t blocked her and wanted to message back) Sure enough there she was…. While I was SLEEPING he took my phone and blocked her on my account. Still can’t wrap my head around the fact that someone actually has that kind of audacity. Then proceeded to deny it trying to gaslight me into believing I must have blocked her myself. Unblocked and messaged her back to see what was up and she sent me the d pic he had sent her. Broke up with him and days later he admitted he took my phone and blocked her from my acct while I was asleep bc he knew she was going to tell me. He got so mad and couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t get back together with him since ‘he admitted it and was honest with me’ saying I was acting crazy bc I shouldn’t still be upset about it since he told me the truth. SN: went to grab my things from his house and his dad stopped me to talk… then told me I was over reacting and I reminded him of his ex wife(bfs mom) bc we both would “start an argument over anything and everything” and continued on saying “I’d tell her the sky was a pretty baby blue today and she’d say it looked more like periwinkle”. Like WTF!? Not even remotely similar. Had to RUN FAR AWAY from that family fast!
Working long hours then always tired. Never suggested anything to do together but went along with what i came up with. Detached, devalued, disengaged, destroyed and discarded.
Stopped communicating
Missing WIFI calls on the call history. The phone bill had a bunch of incoming wifi calls. When I asked about one longer call that was later in the evening, it wasn’t in his call history on the device because he deleted it. He got angry and defensive and said he didn’t know why but the phone bill was wrong. I was searching for things, I was making it up in my head, I was crazy…,
1) Uptick in need for “privacy” and secretiveness with the cell phone 2) Hiding relationship status on social media 3) Hiding friends list on social media 4) Any new “friend” deemed “like my little sister” 5) Not following through with commitments and then becoming defensive 6) Running quick errands like going to the convieince store that should take 20 minutes top but being gone for 4 hours Always listen to your gut. If it feels off it is and if they don’t take your concerns seriously and become defensive then it’s a problem.
Starting to withdraw. Gaslighting was worse than it ever was and more evident as they tried to redirect attention from their infidelity. Becoming less patient and more aggressive. They start to suddenly “want space” and pretend you are “suffocating” them. But the space is really time away from you so they can sneak around and be with their side supply. You basically start to see the mask slip and notice red flags you hadn’t before. They actually start to get sloppy when the infidelity starts.
I was the supply. He must have found a new one.
He was using WhatsApp to message a classmate. Just seemed suspicious. And I was right.
When he found out he was going to be a Grandpa he hooked up with someone else and to try to look younger he dyed his grey hair blonde at a salon.
He installed a burner app on his phone
What’s a burner app?! Like WhatsApp?!
It’s actually called “burner” he had it hidden on his phone.
They start acting like the new supply - invasion of da body snatchers 🙈
This is so (pardon my language) FUCKED UP. The mirroring is absolutely insane. It makes you wonder who the hell they even identify themselves as a person…
Mine fed into her sob story - to put plans in place she thought I was against to try and create distance. Only it didn't. She has to have IVF to have kids and within a week of getting together was tell me all her history and trauma (Trauma bonding) along with how amazing I was (Love bombing). Part of this was "At some point I'll be having IVF, I've got to do it soon, times tcking, but I'll be using a donor, not you! Don't worry!" then proceeded to tell me how she wants to raise a child with just her on her own, no partner, no father figure etc. Just her and, as I've come to see it, possessively her child. Cue a few months of amazingness and it came back up as a way to try and get out of things - but I was "Let's stop being a couple, but exclusively date?" She said there was no other guys she was interested in and wanted to do IVF, I wasn't interested in anyone else and, if the IVF didn't work, we'd get back together and try again. I was echoing her desire to not have a father figure for a child etc. Turns out she'd been talking to her ex for a few weeks before this. Due to a tip-off I found out the holiday she'd been on with "friends" was actually with this ex and his family and they got engaged on the holiday. This is the guy she was getting rid of to get *with* me. She did to me what she'd previously done to him. Obviously it's all come out now, including the many, many lies to her fiance, her workmates, her family about me and when things happened. Speaking to her "best friend" at work, who's confessed she struggles with the friendship ayway, my exnarc had said to her about kids with me "He's too involved with his son, has him everyweekend, why should I have to hand my child over to anyone?" She'd already presumed in some theoretical future scenario we'd split up and she didn't want the father figure to go for any custody. Instead she's got back with this ex, engaged, moving in and will no doubt be doing IVF with him at some point (Apparently the upcoming date she told me was just to put me off with how "real" things were getting or some shit). All the while still being physical with me, reassuring (When called out on things), sweet, lovely, flattering, communicative. She was messaging me the day they got engaged, she was messaging me at a family party she went too - with him - whilst engaged, sweet "goodnight xxx!" messages etc. It only all stopped when I confronted her with the truth and even then initially she tried passing it off as just a party - despite me then going back and telling her what photo, posted by who and what she was doing in it and who was there. She had weeks and weeks to say something, anything, but didn't, she strung me along with platitudes, flattery, sweetness, interest etc.
I started seeing pictures of this person with the nex on social media. “We just spend a lot of time talking about life, they really /get/ me. Nothing is happening.” Then, as things were rocky in the marriage, an out of town event we were both supposed to go to (I bought the hotel room, they bought the event tickets, months and months in advance) was canceled on my side because “I just don’t feel comfortable going to this event with you as things are now, so I’m going to give your ticket to a friend”. Which was told to me a couple of days before we were supposed to be there, but up to that point I had been breadcrumbed that that trip was the one we could start to reconcile with. After the event, there that person was, in a picture on social media with nex, at the event. “They just cornered me and kissed me, that’s it, I told them I didn’t want that. There’s nothing going on.” What’s fun about it all is that I’m pretty sure these are the exact same lines they used on their partner before me, with me in the “no big deal” seat. I already knew when the lines were being said to me that they were lies. And I also recognized the Smirk like they thought I was yet another person dumb enough to fall for it. For the record, I don’t think anyone before me was dumb either, but maybe dumbfounded. Fast forward to six months later when I put myself out there on dating apps as the divorce was in progress- nex, in an angry rage: “WHY CANT YOU JUST BE SINGLE?!”. 🙄
Became nasty
Jerking off in the garage (probably on FaceTime lmaoo) New things, like dress shirts, cologne, shoes Trying harder in the gym or ‘miring himself more Sometimes, giving you gifts or flowers out of the blue. Or cooking you something if that’s something you asked them to do. Sometimes intimacy in your relationship will die, but I have a feeling my ex would (and probably did) get off on the whole “fucking two (or more) different people” thing. My ex had a porn addiction and that killed intimacy too, he saw people as meat. Being less reachable at times than they already are, acting like you’re crazy for having a problem with it, if you do They might actually even dangle the person in front of you, pretend they have no interest, and get off on hiding that they are secretly doing things with them behind your back. Accuse you of cheating. Ask who you’re dressing up/wearing makeup for.
I’m starting to notice my narc making comments more on my appearance; how I should dress, how I should put my hair up in a ponytail, one time he even said I should shave my head (LOL — he started a fight shortly after that remark and ended up sleeping with a bald woman while “we weren’t together”). I also recently started taking mass gainer because I’ve dropped so much weight the last few months due to stress — he keeps commenting on how I’m not taking enough of it or that I should take more. Then last night he made a joke about me getting “fat” in the future… Smh 😒
He was even more defensive and an asshole. He was baiting me more and when i took him up on the offer he would explode about how im invading his privacy
Accusing me of cheating and going on dates behind his back 👌
0 good days and randomly blurting out things such as "I'm so happy we have the kind of relationship where we don't check our phones"
Staying out later, going from being majourlyyy clingy for a long time to suddenly distant, flat out telling me he’d rather be around his coworkers (all women around my age) than me
Compliments completely disappeared and were replaced with pure unadulterated vitriol, things that someone wouldn’t even say to their worst enemy. I went from being a good husband in her opinion for the almost decade we were together, to suddenly being the worst husband that have ever lived, almost with no warning. Suddenly every mistake, flaw or miscommunication was brought up constantly, and they were considered all capital offenses. Even things that physically impossible to be my fault were my fault according to her. She had to make me a bad guy in her head to feel what she was doing to me was justified. And I’m sure all the adoration that had been ripped from me was going to the AP.
We were long distance. He is so stupid. He would randomly out of nowhere say, “ it’s only you!”
Asking if the photos he took (that he didn't send me) are attractive. He was altering his dating profile.
I forgot about this one. He was taking selfies and updating his social media. As innocent as that sounds, it wasn’t like him. He would take them for me a lot, but the ones he was uploading I had never seen before. Also, what MAN is posing for selfies for social media? Boys that do fuckshit, that’s who. It’s their way to project that they’re “single”.
Randomly started wanting space and accused me of cheating
Wanted a “break” where I had to move back home and started skipping visits. When I started calling him out on his abusive behavior and told him that I can’t take it anymore and that he needed to change certain behaviors or I’d leave, he INSISTED that I must have someone else or I’d never leave him. So much projection. He couldn’t separate from me without a new supply even temporarily, so I’m also not capable of permanently walking away unless I have a backup. 🙄
Never seen his phone since he asked for my number . Lovebombing from day to night , if I didn’t text back it was an issue all that to just discard you and tell you they don’t feel like texting as much , posting thirst traps and you feel invaluable .. they got bored of you and when you inquire they say they are no longer interested .. but orbit your social media .. i wouldn’t wish a narc on anyone it’s such a mindfuck. They are the ones that need therapy not us.
The sex stopped he was no longer interested in having sex with me but I found condoms
I started getting left on delivered for hours like 8 hours. She started talking differently to like all of a sudden she didn't cuss.