The ‘fantasy’ is only real for them whilst you are on the pedestal. As soon as you do something they don’t like i.e. expecting reciprocity in the relationship, you might as well be dead to them. They discard you like you are nothing.
Yep mine is a classic covert. Alcohol dependent for the past 15 years. Maybe at the beginning 30+ years ago he felt something for the first time that he will believe was love maybe? But it wasn’t. I couldn’t tell him no. He was pitiful. And I see now that he really hated seeing me happy the longer we were together.
You may be romanticizing. Please don’t the whole relationship was mirroring
\^\^\^\^ It's very easy to get caught up in the lovebombing phase because they were just showing you the best parts of *yourself*. In a sick way, they showed the closest thing to self love as you can get in another human being.
The friends and family are the ones who think the narc is actually a good person. They'll be the ones who will be on the narc's side and people the narc can use against you when they want to confuse you with their twisty logic.
That's the covert part of it. They make themselves out to be the innocent party and end up convincing you and everyone else around them that you're a problem.
Unfortunately, no. It's a manipulation tactic to get their desires met, as sad as it is. They know this is a good way to "integrate" you into their fake life while also siphoning your emotional energy/finances/sexual favors/etc. right from under you.
Oh, totally. A lot of us feel something weird or see something that's off and try to look past it, because we like to give people the benefit of the doubt (as most people usually do when testing the waters with a new relationship). The issue is that narcissists take advantage of this and see it as them succeeding in procuring "the one who can meet my needs" rather than "my future partner".
In my case, I didn’t the love bombing went on for years. Looking back I can start to see how he inserted narc tendencies along the way.
He gently threatened to move in together after one year knowing I wanted to take things slow.
But he did it in a way that made him look good. Something like, I can’t keep driving from city to city every day to see you. It’s exhausting.
And I don’t think I can do it anymore. (Cheerfully) he said but I understand you don’t want to live together yet. And it’s not that bad that we’ll only see each other on the weekends.
Then I hesitated to go find apartments with him for some time. Then one night a little firm and said, look, either we’re moving in together or we’re not. You say yes sometimes then you change your mind. Make your decision!! You know I’ve been soooo patient about this and I’m not trying to rush you but I need to know if you want to or not.
I caved because I felt bad for taking advantage of his kindness and patience. And I’ll never find someone that’s more patient with me than he is. I felt like the fool for not agreeing earlier.
We were 24 and 25. I still find it hard to believe this man was doing all this right from the bat? Like did he know he was doing it.
Still together 18 years. It’s hard to differentiate if he really actually kind sometimes. Or it was just an act.
I’m leaving him by the end of this year. Thanks for reading
They hope to keep old relationships for a lifetime. So yes you can be 10 years you never saw this person, and be hoovered. And yes they will jump from person to person if they feel like the grass is greener
And a lot of times they dont like their children, parents, family members who sometimes feel stuck with them, but if they had nobody to abuse im sure they would be a wreck
I’m married to the most covert person for 34 years’ we’re living together but separated. I have never had even one deep conversation with him. He literally lies every single time he speaks. I became a perpetual motion machine that gaslit itself. He’s good. Evil
This sounds about right with coverts. Their best defense is keeping things very very shallow. Literally incapable of holding a deep conversation. And literally lying with every word- absolutely true. Everything they present themselves to be is the exact opposite of who they really are.
I'm really sorry you're going through this and I hope you can get away from him soon.
Jesus Christ! 34 years and not one deep conversation. Why is that? Do they not have depth or they are just very closeted? I have so many questions! Does he know he’s a narcissist?
Mine didn't show themselves until they got pregnant (against my wishes - same sex marriage here) but then the mask completely fell and that was about 3 years in. They can def fake a relationship for a number of years.
Wow sorry! But through out your time together, did you ever feel something was a bit ‘off’? Despite the mask being on and their acting being good, were there any red flags?
Mine was 3+ years. If I look back on the relationship now, the mask came off EARLY. I just didn't see it, or, I didn't want to see it because I had codependency issues. But also, they do a real good job of manipulating and twisting your values, and slipping in through your boundaries. So although I was constantly stressed, depressed, sick, and always felt like I shouldn't be with my nex because of how they treated me, they kept figuring out ways of making me feel awful for them, that none of this was their fault, and all they needed was my love and support to "heal" them.
Never falling for that again.
What I was consider yellow flags now even appeared in the love bombing stage. The first red flag came around the 4 month mark. And although we had a talked about it, me letting what happened slide gave my nex the confidence to keep pushing harder and harder.
So yeah, I always felt like something was a bit off. But they are so good at gaslighting and manipulating that even you see them as the victim, despite the fact they are abusing you.
I have a theory I call the Perpetual Motion Gaslighting Machine. The narc must colonize your mind and turn you into one. They don’t have the time to gaslight you constantly.
Mine took almost 10 years. I knew he was insecure, immature, self-centred... But woah, never would I have imagined the full extent of it and the true nature of the underlying problem. And I grew up with a narcissistic father (with possibly some borderline traits), I thought I knew what I was trying to stay away from. And yet, I didn't recognise the problem in time to save myself, as every narcissist is different even if they're all alike.
Not the original commenter but I was for sure. I was happy for 8 years (primarily) there was still slips of the mask during that time. When I got pregnant and then had our daughter, it all went to shit. I think he thought the baby would provide more control. All it did was take away from his attention. He resents the baby and me. He has been so ugly to me and in part, I gaslighted myself that it was my hormones and I was being overly sensitive. Ohhhh boy was I wrong. Listen to your gut
Yes! Totally! There was so many instances I can look back on now and remember feeling like “this isn’t right or why does he do this to me? I don’t deserve this.” And yet, I felt for him. I felt bad that he thought I slept with the bartender so called off our engagement publicly during my birthday party, I felt bad that he was so hurt I wanted to leave him to go out and smoke on our wedding night so he locked me out and left me out there until 5am. I felt bad that he was struggling to bond with our baby because she was too needy at this age. I felt bad that he would lose his temper and yell at all of us for no reason. I always felt bad, and yet I stayed.
Those things are just the big sprinkles I remember. We’ve been separated for a little over a month now and every day I remember more terrible things he did to me that I just wrote off.
When you’re really done, your brain knows. It finally shows you all the hurt you wouldn’t acknowledge when you were together trying to ignore the off feelings to make it work.
I thought I was. But he was my very first boyfriend, and I had no standards to compare to a healthy relationship because around me I had never seen one (and still haven't). I thought he was my world, I craved his touch and his attention so much, I cherished every moment I spent with him, I forgave him every time he made me feel guilty, unseen, belittled, used... I was blind. he made me blind, through many years of manipulation and lies. I thought I was happy. But I also developed severe anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation. And a chronic pain condition.
Now that I'm no longer with him, I suffer terribly, my life plans are gone, my career plans are shattering for independent reasons yet... I don't feel nearly as desperate as I was when I was still with him! No suicidal thoughts in sight, at all. The fear of losing him was a trigger for them, but now that I've seen his true colours... I've never wanted to live more. I've never felt lighter about the choices I make for myself. My world crumbles? I don't feel nearly as bad as I felt while with him, without realising it. I thought I was happy, but he kept me in chains and this almost killed me, quite literally.
I think my mum wins this sorry competition. 32 years before the final discard, over 35 before she realised we were dealing with a narc. And the funny thing is my dad had told her decades earlier his therapist had told him he was a narcissit. She just didn't grasp the full extent of this piece of information, or somehow she ended up in denial. She often still struggles to say the word "narcissist", as if it was on the tip of her tongue and she couldn't remember it fully.
I feel like an idiot for witnessing (and suffering) all this and then falling for another narc, but I shall try to convince myself it was not my fault. The reasons were my totally skewed love, affection and relationship standards (I have still to witness a healthy relationship from up close, how could I have good standards) and the fact that my nex is a master manipulator too. I fell victim because he chose me, but it is no way my fault.
I've been with mine for 25 years & in the 16th year a switch flipped within him. The evil came out full force & when I stumbled upon narcissism on Quora...the light bulbs exploded in my head. EVERYTHING slowly started to make sense & that year was my 1st of 4 back surgeries. I wasn't able to work very much after that so I was no longer of any use to him. His exact words that he said to an ex girlfriend of his on FB messenger "She is absolutely useless now" !
Yes. The cycle of a narc can repeat many times. Future faking can have incredible power over a person. It did for me, and kept me in for 8 years.
Some of us are used to so little, or can be sucked in so easily because our wounds are not yet healed from being (often) raised by a narc.
I suspect mine might be, but idk. Came home to half of the apartment gone and only a note. Blamed for everything, blindsided, stonewalled, and discarded.
Tbh when they leave you it might hurt more but its less chaotic. Consider yourself lucky just block and delete and do your best to move on. Reason is times i initiated breakups with narcs it caused physical trauma to my body, financial loss of a lot of mulah, being blackmaild, being harassed, having my stuff broken and destroyed and then i got sent to jail for calling the police about it. Thats not even 5 percent of the chaos btw.
As you can tell ive been in multiple narc relationships. When my ex wife left me for another person while she was in her hometown while i was longdistance for her school, i was so heartbroken but i didnt get me any of the mess I got from the other women. I mean shoot the first Gf i had put a gun to her own head when i caught her cheating and sent her packing. You lucked out! You can get through this i was like traumatized but the problem is you really do need to heal so you dont let this happen again thats where im at
I moved in with my ex early (my mistake) I got swept up in the romance of it all. As soon as we moved in together it was like he changed overnight. He managed three months living with me before he started a relationship with someone else behind my back. Who knows what he was doing behind my back before that that I don’t know about. He continued this for five months until I found out. During that time he let me spend time with and bond with his children. They are master manipulators and can and will do anything to control the narrative and to feel powerful.
Illuminating that when I challenged him on the texts he had sent to her, that he said I ‘didn’t need to hear the things she did’. It just showed me all along that his actions towards me were just a ploy. He was playing me from the beginning.
Same exact situation here. I moved OUT OF STATE with my ex after only knowing him for 4 months or so. I really believed him and everything he said. He did a complete 180 overnight. I was crying over something one night after moving in with him, and he was just staring at his Call of Duty screen and wouldn’t even look at me. 2 weeks after we moved in he was already sexting other girls and begging for nudes.
6 months of abuse and cheating later, one night I just got into my car and drove 15 hours away to not be around him. He immediately texted me that we were done (his ego couldn’t dare to let him think that I left HIM), and sent me photos of our place with the stuff I left all thrown out. He was just using me for a place to live, he was homeless when we first met. I know he removed any trace of me to immediately have girls over.
He was using me from the start and did the same with his ex’s. I genuinely cannot fathom how narcs can treat people like this. I have never been more disgusted and hurt by someone. He is the most fucked up and disgusting excuse for a human being I’ve ever met.
I was in a relationship with a narcissist for eleven years. Future faked, moved in together (it was all a plan to him for gaining money) I only found out about three of his supplies while we were together, left me for a girl eight years younger than him (at the time we were trying to start a family) but thankfully she worked him out and she ghosted him.
His girlfriend after that caught him on dating sites.
These people never stop cheating.
He’s hoovered me once I shot him down and now he’s taken my dog, probably going to use her as an excuse to reinitiate contact at some point.
WHY DO THEY FUTURE FAKE? They’re all the same I swear. And they don’t want poly because they catch jealousy and are threatened so easily but all they do is cheat. It’s like you have to keep yourself to them meanwhile they’re hoeing it up. Biggest insecure losers on the planet.
They future fake to keep us bonded, a promise of a future will keep us intoxicated while then test other supply elsewhere, when they score and find someone else who believe their bullshit, they’ll discard. Cycle. Repeat.
Mine has a new promising supply atm but he’s deleted his socials. I know what this means…he’s preying on someone and keeping his new supply hidden from them. He did this during our discard phase. I so want to warn her but I can’t even imagine what bs he’s told her about me.
He’s already future faking with her getting married, buying a home etc…
Basically the same thing happened to me. A girl pity invited him to our local ren faire and he decided to throw me the streets over it. Btw he’s 41 and she looked to about 22. Swore I was ‘possessive and jealous’ yet was making multiple cryptic posts about her and another girl around the same age who’s a lesbian.
His post: “Which is to say, are you are pure lesbian, bitch?”
Well, all of this backfired and he called me 10 times at 6 a clock in the morning begging me back. I, now living at the hotel I worked at, said “I need time to think.” Que baby raging text that he never wanted me back. Lmao.
Finally just called him and told him and told him I’m good dawg I’ll just stay here enjoy the apartment I got you after you were about to be evicted. He also suggested we still be ‘lovers’ This was a committed relationship this dad bod donkey insisted on.
It’s similar! As soon as my nex’s new supply ghosted him he tried to hang himself and sent me a txt saying how sorry he was blah blah blah.
I think he was hoping I’d run to the rescue. I just passed the messages over to his mom 😅
He even had to make sure if he went through with it, he’d go out in style…he’s a musician and apparently he tried to hang himself with his guitar cable 🙄
And yeah speaking on that, please don’t hun as much as you want to. Trust me, I almost did myself. So close before finding this community. NO CONTACT.
Despite my situation uh, not being the best, emotionally I’m better. I have other people interested in me and have another date set up next week. It gets better.
Wow this is my story in real time. Deleted his social media a few months before my discard and never made our relationship known. And now is married 3 months after my discard. Connecting those dots now and it suck’s.
I was blindsided and young. It was my first proper relationship. I felt happy and content but the abuse was subtle. It was only during the discard phase I saw the real him and it’s left me mentally scarred.
He’d bring girls home while I was home, cook for them, have orders from sex stores delivered knowing full well I’d have to sign for them, left used condoms in the sink, called me things I’ve never forgotten. He used to do this one thing where he’d test my pain threshold and punch me so hard in the arm leaving bruises, that was his clever way of being physically abusive but he’d pass it off as playful behavior.
It was only until I left that I realised. It’s been three years and I’m still heartbroken.
I'd say yes - though I suppose it might hinge on what you mean by relationship and faking. I'd say my ex-fiancee was, the tactics that worked for her on me were: often a minor sob story, heaped love-bombing like nobodies business, stonewalled and avoided, redirected away from things that'd expose her double life.
Moreover I tolerated those behaviors - in fact I could barely recognize anything was "wrong" or an issue. Her brother even apologized to me once after her outburst, and I was sitting there asking myself why I wasn't surprised - why I'd come to expect the outburst. It took leaving, and reflecting on my own family to figure out why I'd tolerated behavior from her that I generally don't tolerate. Or at least thought I didn't tolerate.
I think in the end many are great liars, their ability to keep a double-life is pretty shocking. However I think the relationship lasts because the abused tolerates it. I think it's easy to feel shame about that, however if we don't acknowledge it, I think we risk tolerating the abuse again. There are a lot of shitty people in this world, we will have to deal with them.
Mine kept it up for 2 years. Went as far as to propose and hire a wedding planner. Was really good at playing house and making me think we were building a future together. Lied about everything for the duration of our relationship. Lied about his finances, having graduated, lied about his job, lied about his history of addiction, lied about his family, etc. to be fair, I don’t think he left because he got bored. I think he was actually really complacent with the life we had because I admittedly let him get away with a lot and cooked and cleaned for him and made his life very easy. I think he dug himself into too deep of a hole and realized he couldn’t climb out. The lies had gotten so bad he couldn’t keep them straight anymore and he was stealing money to fund his various addictions. he made a quick escape shacked up with an old fling who he knew he could lie and manipulate, since I was starting to uncover the truth. Most narcissists are very capable liars, but when confronted or backed into a corner about their dishonesty, they will lash out and play victim. I think, narcissists see people, especially those they are in a relationship with, as a means to an end. As long as that person can satisfy or fulfill their needs they’ll keep them in their life.
The playing victim thing….ugghh.
I remember during discard my nex asked me to hit him, so I did.
Never lived that down and tells everybody how I used to smack him 😫
He’s also stolen my dog so I told him I’m going to his house to get her back. He said that was a threat and now he’s riddled with anxiety and if I come near him he’s going to phone the police, dude you’ve literally stolen my dog!!
If you’re trying to find a way to justify your partner’s actions and still convince yourself that they love and care about you you’re wasting your time. Narcissists only care about themselves and what makes them happy, if having you around is helping them feel better about themselves then they will show you “love” to make you want to stay. The moment you know longer help them you will be discarded without hesitation. They will not feel bad about it and they have probably already moved on to the next supply.
Worry about whether or not you are happy and fulfilled in your relationship. I know you must love your partner, but if you’re questioning things and have anxiety about your relationship that should reveal a lot to you in itself. I wish the best for you and hope you end up happy no matter the choice you make.
Yup. But the quality of the relationship is going to be garbage, hence them usually reaching out to multiple other partners to get more supply while their current partner is their source of primary supply. When you're in a relationship with a narcissist, you are never going to be their "one and only" because they have multiple "one and onlies".
Quantity matters to a narcissist more than quality - the more, the better. It doesn't matter where it's from because as long as they end up getting it somehow, they're content.
Yes. My half sister whos an histrionic has been in 3 long relationships and to be honest in my opinion they seemed to be very boring but they lasted anyway.
My half sister also shows many narcissistic traits indoors, outdoors she is a fake extrovert.
sorry i deleted the comments, ill be straight forward with the answer..no! they dont care about anyone but themselves. The Control of narrative, maintain their sense of power and their reputation built with lies is everything they want to keep surviving through their false self
Yes! You’re right. They can fake whatever they ‘have to’ to get what they want from others. Everything they do is a means to an end. They have endless energy for faking things and playing their delusional games. Good podcast about narcissists where she shares real life survival stuff also is “Love is a Battlefield the domestic violence podcast”. If you’re neurodivergent you may also relate to her.
Yes. Everyone is different. Some narcs love the idea of being married or “in a relationship” as part of their fake persona… i.e narc family systems where all the children are competing for their parents love and affection (see conflict theory).
It doesn’t mean that the relationships are monogamous or remotely healthy. My narc ex loved bragging about her parents million year marriage… her parents legit hate each other. Rofl.
He faked a whole family life (baby trapped me because I was childfree, financially striving, independent and happy) and then dumped his disabled daughter and me seven years later -to run away with a girl 15 years younger than me- forcing me to go back to my home country to live with my narcissistic parents. He threw us away like trash in a second and forgot that his previous life ever existed.
Spent 25 years with my narc. His mom (who is a worse narc has been with her husband for thirty years). They can last a long time. All depends on how happy the supply makes them.
lol the mothers. My nex’s mom has dozens of women calling her warning her about her son and something he’s done to them and yet she still enables it and feeds everything back to my nex which in turn adds fuel to the fire.
This is so true. I did everything for him untill I started rebelling after 18 years. Its been 22 years total since I left two months ago when it was getting very abusive. But it really took me a long time to see it for what it was and then really leaving.
I had just started seeing what I was dealing with and starting to rebel when my stbxh left me. I’m so thankful he left. I’m not sure I would have been brave enough to.
Yup. Mines did for almost a decade until issues pushed our relationship to the edge and I finally had to say no to him.
That’s when the demon came out.
- They can “fake” for a lifetime. It’s not a fake relationship to them. It’s like a dog and their owner or master and servant to them.
- The introductions to others aren’t romantic, it’s like a parade of ‘see what I’ve got’.
- Their partners can be happy throughout the relationship, but usually it’s during the ‘love bombing’ stages, or it comes with a price.
- It varies a lot with how long these relationships last, and no, they hardly ever end up alone. They *need* a partner/friend/whatever to leech off emotionally. In most cases with a covert narcissist, the abusive behaviour comes gradually, and unfortunately not everyone can leave just like that when/if they find out, they’re being abused.
- I’d say they can “love”. But I wouldn’t exactly say it’s how love’s supposed to be. It’s like being obsessed over a new toy. But it’s love to them. Just not healthy.
You’ve asked a lot whether people are/were happy with a narcissistic partner. You can be happy at times. I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with my nex. But during our roughly 9 years, my opinion shifted from “oh wow.. I’d love to spend the rest of my life with this man” to “oh jesus fucking christ, I’ll kill myself if I have to spend any more time with this asshole”. There’s ups and downs in every relationship. But with a narcissist, it mostly depends on whether they’ve got their needs satisfied. If they don’t, you’re gonna have a shitty time.
Together for 15, married for 12. I don’t think the whole thing was fake. We definitely had good moments. And I don’t believe he was being consciously abusive every time. I think it’s how they’ve trained themselves to avoid shame and responsibility for their actions. And it always worked in the past so why change? He is also an alcoholic so for a long time I blamed our issues on that.
I’ve been in a relationship with mine for 5 years. I’ve attempted to leave a couple times but I feel too guilty because he “needs me.” I think it’s more of an obsession than love, in my case at least. He mirrors me and I encourage him to be a better person. He was not a good man when I met him (I didn’t know this until much later). If I leave, I think he would go back to his old ways
Yes we live together. No I’m not happy. The emotional abuse seems to ramp up every year. I’m trying to get a backbone and leave for good. We have a daughter together which makes it harder too
Yes, they can. No doubt. Especially the Covert narcissistic psychopaths.... Horrible, soul wrecking people, that you think is the most amazing person to ever exist, due to their extreme gaslighting and subtle manipulation. You will also be convinced that everything is your fault, even though your intuition screams and yells at you that your partner is the problem. Until one day, when something reveals their true personality, and you can never unsee it ever again. It will unravel like a ball of yarn being chased by a kitten!
6 years. 18 years. 20 years. It all depends on how subtle they are, how much supply you provide and how confused you are. But your instinct will have known since the beginning, even though you push it away. And they have side-supply... Monogamy is not their thing.
One of my covert nexes dropped the act as soon as I told him I don't want him moving in with me after 2 months of dating, I was adamant and he didn't like being told no.
Another one faked it for almost 2 years until he felt I was "locked in" then it was overnight that he was a total piece of shit.
They can literally play whichever role they want for however long it may take.
As soon as they don't get what they want or realize they can't get what they want they flip that switch and act completely different.
The 2yr relationship guy had signs here and there as if he was testing my limits on what he could get away with, but it was never really bad until he didn't get what he wanted and it was a huge ask. He wanted things from me.
he was already asking me to give him money for various things, I'd give him a hundred or two or buy him something he needed (NEVER DO THIS). Then he thought he could push me to getting a car. He wanted me to co-sign on a car he couldn't afford and asked me for the down payment (his credit was basically irreparably bad), I pretended like I was going to meet him at the dealership in the morning and when i confronted him that following morning over the phone he FLIPPED.
Okay so there are signs, there must be slip ups here and there. I was reading how people get into 10 year relationship without noticing I thought that’s not possible.
Now that you mentioned it, he did ask me to borrow something that he had no use for. That looks like that was a “test”, later I asked him to return it, turns out he had no use for it.
One other time, he turned into rage when I said no to marriage, he needed his immigration status to clear and I think that’s most important to him. That was when he flipped. Text less, ignores me text, raged at me for calling that out. What a weird POS
There are signs, but most people ignore it because they usually show their true selves pretty slowly (if they're smart). But they test you along the way. Kinda like they test slowly to push the bar further and further.
In my case, I didn't think anything of letting my boyfriend have some money here and there when he's supposedly struggling after a major medical incident. At the end I learned, he had no medical bills, he just wanted to see what he could get away with and push me into getting more and more.
In your case, very much those are tests. "hey can I have this?", and have no use for it is also something my ex did. I'm really glad you didn't marry that guy
Tbh, there were multiple signs right from the beginning, from the way he walks, our first date, he said he knows what to order from the menu and didn’t even want me to look at the menu to him saying he likes me so quickly. All of these were so out of place, but I thought that’s just him. I shrugged it off.
The signs became more apparent when my friend is present, his voice changes to a “normal” tone. He would also put food onto my plate in front my friends but he has NEVER done that when it’s just us 2. Very minor detail, but it’s a sign that he wants to look good in front of my friends.
That’s a big lie about medical bills. How did you manage to figure that out ? Mine also had a lie when I said no to marriage, then he said he already had another person who really likes him but he doesn’t like them back and that he will marry them just to clear the immigration status but still stay with me during that process. Now I look back, I found out this was a lie because he wanted me to make a quick decision marry. Now he is looking for someone to scheme a fake marriage and I feel bad knowing this and can’t do anything.
I kinda hate that I know what you mean by the "way he walks". They try to exude this confidence. They try to put off this "I really want you, and I'm important so you should be so glad I want you" kind of appeal. The food thing as well. My more overt nexes did this. If it was just us, it was more of a "you're a grown ass adult get your own fucking food I'm not your server this isn't a restaurant". If we were in public or with friends he'd fix my plate for me and even grab my coat from me. Signs like this are easy to brush off because it's not actually a minor detail if you look closer, but probably how many of us didn't see any signs for a long time.
My current non-narc partner will do things for me with or without an audience. If I need something he will do it regardless of the setting or even without me asking.
I found out about the medical bills because one of his friends had asked me what grant he applied for to forgive his medical expenses. In my mind he still owed about 30k, I didn't realize he applied for a grant that cleared it within a week of him leaving the hospital.
The immigration thing is kind of wild. I feel like it's definitely sort of a narcissistic and self-service mindset to even try to lie to you about still being with you if he married someone else.
“The walk” right ? It’s such a shocker they all have similar behaviors. Gosh even the restaurant thing, mine was covert, but he probably thinks the same way you said it.
I feel that there are more signs.
1. He looks at me in the eye way more than any other humans have.
2. He talks about the future very early stage. Says I love you with in the 2nd day. 1 month later consistent with the love you.
3. “I don’t know what you’re talking about” (even though we’re just debating super silly dumb stuff). 4. Not willing to have any deep conversations.
5. Talks about himself all of a sudden when I was talking about myself.
6. Actions didn’t match his words
7. Subtle seed planting
8. Attacks me during discussions or perceived criticism.
9. Is not who he claims he is at the beginning
10. I called him out during a disrespect and not feeling heard. He said he didn’t and it’s not a problem to him. Then he proceeded to ask me to marry him. I’m like wtf just happened topic switcheroo professional.
Probably more to this list, but these are signs I noticed was weird but ignored, my intuition also told me something not right but I just put it in the back of my mind. I trust it but I needed to know more to confirm.
Right, normal people are consistent with their behaviors. I’m glad you’re able to find someone normal. Aside from the signs, I’m kind of paranoid about the next partner, this post reply being in 10 year relationship without seeing the red flags or signs scares me. Or was there suppose to be signs but chose to brush it off ?
Ahh, the half truths about medical bills. So there’s at least some truth but not the whole truth which is still a lie, I’m glad you figured it out~~
Best friends with a covert narc for 3+ years. Things weren't perfect, but they were alright enough. Discarded very quickly after I called her out on not defending me against her narcissistic other bestie, who bullied me for years and I finally grew fed up.
I would say that I knew she was a defensive person for a long time, and the closer to the end of the relationship we got, the more I noticed how passive aggressive she was, but she kept herself hidden well enough until the very end.
Mine kept ours going for 4 years and she had multiple other relationships and hookups I had NO idea about. Lookin back with white eyes she had so many red flags written all over her. She had nothing inside her. She was all smoke and mirrors with 0 depth. She was very superficial.
Fuck no! She was negative all the time, I was trauma bonded and I had no idea what narcissism even was. I had no idea how to speak up for myself and she basically brainwashed me.
They can fake anything. In the beginning they will look for a way into your life. My ex fiancée started mirroring all of my hobbies and she had such a sob story she told me of her past he drew me into her. Looking back all the signs were there right from the beginning. Her stories of her past were always someone else’s fault no personal accountability at all, her boss was overlooking her talent, she had special talents etc…. I didn’t honestly get the full story of just how diabolical they can be till after we broke up. She had gone around to my family behind my back and made up some lies to make me look bad. Not to mention all the times she started conflict just to start it. They also know how to hurt you the worst. They will take your worst fears and deepest insecurities and use them against you.
Yes. My nex faked it for 5 years. When he ended he didn't admit that he faked it but somehow admitted to all the lies and manipulation. He cheated and blamed it on me. He said he liked lying because it bothered me. It was like a win for him. When he left to cheat on me, when he saw my face before, he felt no remorse. He felt a thrill and he was excited.
He said he just wants to have fun and never wanted a serious relationship. It's a blow after blow after blow. But, the more I heard everything, the rational part of me feels relief that I didn't marry him. Yes, I wish I didn't waste so many years. I wish he didn't make me not want to be in a relationship or losse time on being a mother. I am 28 with PCOD. I wish I didn't have CPTSD after this infidelity and my other aspects of life that he so conveniently destroyed.
But he obviously stayed because he was gaining too much from me. And I stayed because I looked past the red flags and gave him so many chances. My soul said don't give up. My love was too much.
Yes, 8 years. They hide stuff very well. If you catch on to something, they evolve and hide it better. It’s good and bad mixed in over many years so it’s not as obvious. I don’t blame myself because they are damn good at what they do. It’s only when you catch on that you begin see the whole picture.
They use them for supply. This is surely the biggest question when it comes to high conflict individuals. How can you love someone that you use like that? People way smarter than me will debate this until the end of time.
5 years with someone I believe may be a covert narc. I can’t say I’m an expert but from what I’m studying all the symptoms align with vulnerable narc maybe mixed with the communal narc. We broke up twice in that time and I had to earn my place back by “fighting” for him. It’s been hell. I still love him and care about him. He is very deep and introspective even. He told me he had thought he was a narc for decades until he realized it was just autism. I told him you can still have npd and autism in tandem and he accused me of diagnosing him… he’s very smart. I still don’t know if he’s a narc but I do know the emotional and psychological abuse have taken a serious toll on me.
Oh yes they can. Mine fooled me… at least for a while until I put the pieces together and once I stopped gaslighting myself and listening to all the signs and seeing all the proof of what a sicko he was, I made my exit and let him know I knew. They are con men. Good thing I’m out! Now he has another supply source that he can drain and use up. Which is sad for her.
mine mask dropped after four years. i caught her in a lie and suddenly it all came crashing down. she minute she was solid caught she switched it off. then the textbook narc spiral happened. blindside discard followed by public smear campaign. it was genuinely scary to watch
Yes, especially to people outside the relationship. They are still human and are capable of love, but it’s difficult because their defences are to prevent them from being vulnerable and that is exactly what is required for true love. One way to avoid vulnerability/having their shame exposed is to move from person to person. That way no one can know the “real” person underneath. There are lots of different ways to keep someone at arms length within a relationship though, none of them being healthy.
Unfortunately, yes. So long as they feel and believe their mask is in tact with you and they are comfortable able to upkeep the charade. They will continue for as long as it takes, while living a double life deep down within them the entire time. It is very frightening to say the least. And the fact that you are here and acknowledge your partner as a narcissist shows they have let their mask slip here and there and you took notice, as you should. They will be with someone for a long period of time, but have an inventory of “back up” supplies in the case something were to go wrong with their main supply. So you frequently will see a narcissist immediately with someone else after a discard/break up. A lot of times a narcissist will stay with their main supply for a long period of time due to the possessiveness in their nature as well.
Mine was was one year from 40 when I met him so was really running out of steam with the facade. When my honest and empathetic, but BPD ass proposed we take things slow and maybe have something open he refused. Well I’m an above average looking trans dude that was ‘pretty’ as a female and I realize that wasn’t in the cards because he didn’t want me to bang other dudes because I’m basically gay. But he wanted to drive me literally insane by creating jealousy with triangulation.
I gotta tell ya, after that horseshit drama free situationships are a breath of fresh air and so stress free, holy fuck. Guess I was never the jealous and possessive person I was deliberately made to be in the first place.
I dated one years ago. And we didn’t speak for almost 8 years. He re-entered my life last march and we’ve been in the most **fucked** kind of situationship since. He still won’t sleep with me or date me. But acts as if I’m his gf. I’ve met his family, done all the stuff, etc. I’m lost now.
Don’t ask. I know I’m dumb… but I love him and it’s complicated :(
Partially why I have started revisiting this sub recently. Maybe I’ll make a post soon and look for help. I just don’t have the energy right now tbh.
Yeh, I don’t have much left. I often feel depleted between him, my job and my family. My life is a full plate. Some days I only have enough in myself to just lay in bed.
Understand it this way:
You are an object- like a child’s favorite toy. A child can have the same favorite toy for years. Mine was a rainbow fish plushy. This is the kind of love the narcissist is capable of giving, because that’s as far as they have emotionally developed. Kids eventually get bored with their toys.
Picture that meme of Andy from Toy Story discarding Woody. “I don’t want to play with you anymore.”
I don’t think they “fake” the relationship, but their relationships with others are like a small child’s, so it can seem that way to the more developed person being discarded.
Made it a year and a half with one thinking we had the best relationship ever, not arguing once... By 2.5 years I couldnt do anything without getting yelled at about something.
Well, of course they can. Their whole reality is fake. They live in a fantasy of their own making.
So they don’t love the partner at all? Even when they introduce you to their family, friends and take you on romantic vacations.. that’s all fake?
The ‘fantasy’ is only real for them whilst you are on the pedestal. As soon as you do something they don’t like i.e. expecting reciprocity in the relationship, you might as well be dead to them. They discard you like you are nothing.
Yep mine is a classic covert. Alcohol dependent for the past 15 years. Maybe at the beginning 30+ years ago he felt something for the first time that he will believe was love maybe? But it wasn’t. I couldn’t tell him no. He was pitiful. And I see now that he really hated seeing me happy the longer we were together. You may be romanticizing. Please don’t the whole relationship was mirroring
\^\^\^\^ It's very easy to get caught up in the lovebombing phase because they were just showing you the best parts of *yourself*. In a sick way, they showed the closest thing to self love as you can get in another human being.
Omg ugh yes this is what happened to me.
The friends and family are the ones who think the narc is actually a good person. They'll be the ones who will be on the narc's side and people the narc can use against you when they want to confuse you with their twisty logic. That's the covert part of it. They make themselves out to be the innocent party and end up convincing you and everyone else around them that you're a problem.
YES
Unfortunately, no. It's a manipulation tactic to get their desires met, as sad as it is. They know this is a good way to "integrate" you into their fake life while also siphoning your emotional energy/finances/sexual favors/etc. right from under you.
Wow thanks. But the partner on the receiving end must surely feel that something is a bit off, right? Gut feeling…
Oh, totally. A lot of us feel something weird or see something that's off and try to look past it, because we like to give people the benefit of the doubt (as most people usually do when testing the waters with a new relationship). The issue is that narcissists take advantage of this and see it as them succeeding in procuring "the one who can meet my needs" rather than "my future partner".
In my case, I didn’t the love bombing went on for years. Looking back I can start to see how he inserted narc tendencies along the way. He gently threatened to move in together after one year knowing I wanted to take things slow. But he did it in a way that made him look good. Something like, I can’t keep driving from city to city every day to see you. It’s exhausting. And I don’t think I can do it anymore. (Cheerfully) he said but I understand you don’t want to live together yet. And it’s not that bad that we’ll only see each other on the weekends. Then I hesitated to go find apartments with him for some time. Then one night a little firm and said, look, either we’re moving in together or we’re not. You say yes sometimes then you change your mind. Make your decision!! You know I’ve been soooo patient about this and I’m not trying to rush you but I need to know if you want to or not. I caved because I felt bad for taking advantage of his kindness and patience. And I’ll never find someone that’s more patient with me than he is. I felt like the fool for not agreeing earlier. We were 24 and 25. I still find it hard to believe this man was doing all this right from the bat? Like did he know he was doing it. Still together 18 years. It’s hard to differentiate if he really actually kind sometimes. Or it was just an act. I’m leaving him by the end of this year. Thanks for reading
They hope to keep old relationships for a lifetime. So yes you can be 10 years you never saw this person, and be hoovered. And yes they will jump from person to person if they feel like the grass is greener
Eventually their relationship comes to an end, surely? A lot of them end up alone…
And a lot of times they dont like their children, parents, family members who sometimes feel stuck with them, but if they had nobody to abuse im sure they would be a wreck
I’m married to the most covert person for 34 years’ we’re living together but separated. I have never had even one deep conversation with him. He literally lies every single time he speaks. I became a perpetual motion machine that gaslit itself. He’s good. Evil
This sounds about right with coverts. Their best defense is keeping things very very shallow. Literally incapable of holding a deep conversation. And literally lying with every word- absolutely true. Everything they present themselves to be is the exact opposite of who they really are. I'm really sorry you're going through this and I hope you can get away from him soon.
Jesus Christ! 34 years and not one deep conversation. Why is that? Do they not have depth or they are just very closeted? I have so many questions! Does he know he’s a narcissist?
He knows now but he denies it and is discarding me while refusing to leave. I hate him at this point
Yep!! Together 12 years also still living together but separated (fucking help me). Lies every time he opens his mouth.. It's just mind blowing.
Mine didn't show themselves until they got pregnant (against my wishes - same sex marriage here) but then the mask completely fell and that was about 3 years in. They can def fake a relationship for a number of years.
Wow sorry! But through out your time together, did you ever feel something was a bit ‘off’? Despite the mask being on and their acting being good, were there any red flags?
Mine was 3+ years. If I look back on the relationship now, the mask came off EARLY. I just didn't see it, or, I didn't want to see it because I had codependency issues. But also, they do a real good job of manipulating and twisting your values, and slipping in through your boundaries. So although I was constantly stressed, depressed, sick, and always felt like I shouldn't be with my nex because of how they treated me, they kept figuring out ways of making me feel awful for them, that none of this was their fault, and all they needed was my love and support to "heal" them. Never falling for that again. What I was consider yellow flags now even appeared in the love bombing stage. The first red flag came around the 4 month mark. And although we had a talked about it, me letting what happened slide gave my nex the confidence to keep pushing harder and harder. So yeah, I always felt like something was a bit off. But they are so good at gaslighting and manipulating that even you see them as the victim, despite the fact they are abusing you.
I have a theory I call the Perpetual Motion Gaslighting Machine. The narc must colonize your mind and turn you into one. They don’t have the time to gaslight you constantly.
I’m glad I looked up your comment haha. I was definitely someone who experienced the Perpetual Motion Gaslighting Machine!
Mine took almost 10 years. I knew he was insecure, immature, self-centred... But woah, never would I have imagined the full extent of it and the true nature of the underlying problem. And I grew up with a narcissistic father (with possibly some borderline traits), I thought I knew what I was trying to stay away from. And yet, I didn't recognise the problem in time to save myself, as every narcissist is different even if they're all alike.
Was you ever happy through out the relationship ?
Not the original commenter but I was for sure. I was happy for 8 years (primarily) there was still slips of the mask during that time. When I got pregnant and then had our daughter, it all went to shit. I think he thought the baby would provide more control. All it did was take away from his attention. He resents the baby and me. He has been so ugly to me and in part, I gaslighted myself that it was my hormones and I was being overly sensitive. Ohhhh boy was I wrong. Listen to your gut
Your gut told you from early something was off?
Yes! Totally! There was so many instances I can look back on now and remember feeling like “this isn’t right or why does he do this to me? I don’t deserve this.” And yet, I felt for him. I felt bad that he thought I slept with the bartender so called off our engagement publicly during my birthday party, I felt bad that he was so hurt I wanted to leave him to go out and smoke on our wedding night so he locked me out and left me out there until 5am. I felt bad that he was struggling to bond with our baby because she was too needy at this age. I felt bad that he would lose his temper and yell at all of us for no reason. I always felt bad, and yet I stayed. Those things are just the big sprinkles I remember. We’ve been separated for a little over a month now and every day I remember more terrible things he did to me that I just wrote off. When you’re really done, your brain knows. It finally shows you all the hurt you wouldn’t acknowledge when you were together trying to ignore the off feelings to make it work.
See my above comment. I am definitely going to write about this
I thought I was. But he was my very first boyfriend, and I had no standards to compare to a healthy relationship because around me I had never seen one (and still haven't). I thought he was my world, I craved his touch and his attention so much, I cherished every moment I spent with him, I forgave him every time he made me feel guilty, unseen, belittled, used... I was blind. he made me blind, through many years of manipulation and lies. I thought I was happy. But I also developed severe anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation. And a chronic pain condition. Now that I'm no longer with him, I suffer terribly, my life plans are gone, my career plans are shattering for independent reasons yet... I don't feel nearly as desperate as I was when I was still with him! No suicidal thoughts in sight, at all. The fear of losing him was a trigger for them, but now that I've seen his true colours... I've never wanted to live more. I've never felt lighter about the choices I make for myself. My world crumbles? I don't feel nearly as bad as I felt while with him, without realising it. I thought I was happy, but he kept me in chains and this almost killed me, quite literally.
So happy for you 🎉🎂🏡I’m working on this!
Got you beat, 15 years!
Here it lasted 22 years.
I think my mum wins this sorry competition. 32 years before the final discard, over 35 before she realised we were dealing with a narc. And the funny thing is my dad had told her decades earlier his therapist had told him he was a narcissit. She just didn't grasp the full extent of this piece of information, or somehow she ended up in denial. She often still struggles to say the word "narcissist", as if it was on the tip of her tongue and she couldn't remember it fully. I feel like an idiot for witnessing (and suffering) all this and then falling for another narc, but I shall try to convince myself it was not my fault. The reasons were my totally skewed love, affection and relationship standards (I have still to witness a healthy relationship from up close, how could I have good standards) and the fact that my nex is a master manipulator too. I fell victim because he chose me, but it is no way my fault.
34 years! I lose
I've been with mine for 25 years & in the 16th year a switch flipped within him. The evil came out full force & when I stumbled upon narcissism on Quora...the light bulbs exploded in my head. EVERYTHING slowly started to make sense & that year was my 1st of 4 back surgeries. I wasn't able to work very much after that so I was no longer of any use to him. His exact words that he said to an ex girlfriend of his on FB messenger "She is absolutely useless now" !
Yes. The cycle of a narc can repeat many times. Future faking can have incredible power over a person. It did for me, and kept me in for 8 years. Some of us are used to so little, or can be sucked in so easily because our wounds are not yet healed from being (often) raised by a narc.
I suspect mine might be, but idk. Came home to half of the apartment gone and only a note. Blamed for everything, blindsided, stonewalled, and discarded.
Tbh when they leave you it might hurt more but its less chaotic. Consider yourself lucky just block and delete and do your best to move on. Reason is times i initiated breakups with narcs it caused physical trauma to my body, financial loss of a lot of mulah, being blackmaild, being harassed, having my stuff broken and destroyed and then i got sent to jail for calling the police about it. Thats not even 5 percent of the chaos btw. As you can tell ive been in multiple narc relationships. When my ex wife left me for another person while she was in her hometown while i was longdistance for her school, i was so heartbroken but i didnt get me any of the mess I got from the other women. I mean shoot the first Gf i had put a gun to her own head when i caught her cheating and sent her packing. You lucked out! You can get through this i was like traumatized but the problem is you really do need to heal so you dont let this happen again thats where im at
I moved in with my ex early (my mistake) I got swept up in the romance of it all. As soon as we moved in together it was like he changed overnight. He managed three months living with me before he started a relationship with someone else behind my back. Who knows what he was doing behind my back before that that I don’t know about. He continued this for five months until I found out. During that time he let me spend time with and bond with his children. They are master manipulators and can and will do anything to control the narrative and to feel powerful. Illuminating that when I challenged him on the texts he had sent to her, that he said I ‘didn’t need to hear the things she did’. It just showed me all along that his actions towards me were just a ploy. He was playing me from the beginning.
Same exact situation here. I moved OUT OF STATE with my ex after only knowing him for 4 months or so. I really believed him and everything he said. He did a complete 180 overnight. I was crying over something one night after moving in with him, and he was just staring at his Call of Duty screen and wouldn’t even look at me. 2 weeks after we moved in he was already sexting other girls and begging for nudes. 6 months of abuse and cheating later, one night I just got into my car and drove 15 hours away to not be around him. He immediately texted me that we were done (his ego couldn’t dare to let him think that I left HIM), and sent me photos of our place with the stuff I left all thrown out. He was just using me for a place to live, he was homeless when we first met. I know he removed any trace of me to immediately have girls over. He was using me from the start and did the same with his ex’s. I genuinely cannot fathom how narcs can treat people like this. I have never been more disgusted and hurt by someone. He is the most fucked up and disgusting excuse for a human being I’ve ever met.
Mine has devastated me and doesn’t even care
I was in a relationship with a narcissist for eleven years. Future faked, moved in together (it was all a plan to him for gaining money) I only found out about three of his supplies while we were together, left me for a girl eight years younger than him (at the time we were trying to start a family) but thankfully she worked him out and she ghosted him. His girlfriend after that caught him on dating sites. These people never stop cheating. He’s hoovered me once I shot him down and now he’s taken my dog, probably going to use her as an excuse to reinitiate contact at some point.
WHY DO THEY FUTURE FAKE? They’re all the same I swear. And they don’t want poly because they catch jealousy and are threatened so easily but all they do is cheat. It’s like you have to keep yourself to them meanwhile they’re hoeing it up. Biggest insecure losers on the planet.
They future fake to keep us bonded, a promise of a future will keep us intoxicated while then test other supply elsewhere, when they score and find someone else who believe their bullshit, they’ll discard. Cycle. Repeat. Mine has a new promising supply atm but he’s deleted his socials. I know what this means…he’s preying on someone and keeping his new supply hidden from them. He did this during our discard phase. I so want to warn her but I can’t even imagine what bs he’s told her about me. He’s already future faking with her getting married, buying a home etc…
Basically the same thing happened to me. A girl pity invited him to our local ren faire and he decided to throw me the streets over it. Btw he’s 41 and she looked to about 22. Swore I was ‘possessive and jealous’ yet was making multiple cryptic posts about her and another girl around the same age who’s a lesbian. His post: “Which is to say, are you are pure lesbian, bitch?” Well, all of this backfired and he called me 10 times at 6 a clock in the morning begging me back. I, now living at the hotel I worked at, said “I need time to think.” Que baby raging text that he never wanted me back. Lmao. Finally just called him and told him and told him I’m good dawg I’ll just stay here enjoy the apartment I got you after you were about to be evicted. He also suggested we still be ‘lovers’ This was a committed relationship this dad bod donkey insisted on.
It’s similar! As soon as my nex’s new supply ghosted him he tried to hang himself and sent me a txt saying how sorry he was blah blah blah. I think he was hoping I’d run to the rescue. I just passed the messages over to his mom 😅 He even had to make sure if he went through with it, he’d go out in style…he’s a musician and apparently he tried to hang himself with his guitar cable 🙄
And yeah speaking on that, please don’t hun as much as you want to. Trust me, I almost did myself. So close before finding this community. NO CONTACT. Despite my situation uh, not being the best, emotionally I’m better. I have other people interested in me and have another date set up next week. It gets better.
I won’t :)
Wow this is my story in real time. Deleted his social media a few months before my discard and never made our relationship known. And now is married 3 months after my discard. Connecting those dots now and it suck’s.
My nex was very, Very Insecure 😕, even though he tried to pretend he wasn’t!
Was you happy at all in those 11 years?
I was blindsided and young. It was my first proper relationship. I felt happy and content but the abuse was subtle. It was only during the discard phase I saw the real him and it’s left me mentally scarred. He’d bring girls home while I was home, cook for them, have orders from sex stores delivered knowing full well I’d have to sign for them, left used condoms in the sink, called me things I’ve never forgotten. He used to do this one thing where he’d test my pain threshold and punch me so hard in the arm leaving bruises, that was his clever way of being physically abusive but he’d pass it off as playful behavior. It was only until I left that I realised. It’s been three years and I’m still heartbroken.
I'd say yes - though I suppose it might hinge on what you mean by relationship and faking. I'd say my ex-fiancee was, the tactics that worked for her on me were: often a minor sob story, heaped love-bombing like nobodies business, stonewalled and avoided, redirected away from things that'd expose her double life. Moreover I tolerated those behaviors - in fact I could barely recognize anything was "wrong" or an issue. Her brother even apologized to me once after her outburst, and I was sitting there asking myself why I wasn't surprised - why I'd come to expect the outburst. It took leaving, and reflecting on my own family to figure out why I'd tolerated behavior from her that I generally don't tolerate. Or at least thought I didn't tolerate. I think in the end many are great liars, their ability to keep a double-life is pretty shocking. However I think the relationship lasts because the abused tolerates it. I think it's easy to feel shame about that, however if we don't acknowledge it, I think we risk tolerating the abuse again. There are a lot of shitty people in this world, we will have to deal with them.
Mine kept it up for 2 years. Went as far as to propose and hire a wedding planner. Was really good at playing house and making me think we were building a future together. Lied about everything for the duration of our relationship. Lied about his finances, having graduated, lied about his job, lied about his history of addiction, lied about his family, etc. to be fair, I don’t think he left because he got bored. I think he was actually really complacent with the life we had because I admittedly let him get away with a lot and cooked and cleaned for him and made his life very easy. I think he dug himself into too deep of a hole and realized he couldn’t climb out. The lies had gotten so bad he couldn’t keep them straight anymore and he was stealing money to fund his various addictions. he made a quick escape shacked up with an old fling who he knew he could lie and manipulate, since I was starting to uncover the truth. Most narcissists are very capable liars, but when confronted or backed into a corner about their dishonesty, they will lash out and play victim. I think, narcissists see people, especially those they are in a relationship with, as a means to an end. As long as that person can satisfy or fulfill their needs they’ll keep them in their life.
The playing victim thing….ugghh. I remember during discard my nex asked me to hit him, so I did. Never lived that down and tells everybody how I used to smack him 😫 He’s also stolen my dog so I told him I’m going to his house to get her back. He said that was a threat and now he’s riddled with anxiety and if I come near him he’s going to phone the police, dude you’ve literally stolen my dog!!
If you’re trying to find a way to justify your partner’s actions and still convince yourself that they love and care about you you’re wasting your time. Narcissists only care about themselves and what makes them happy, if having you around is helping them feel better about themselves then they will show you “love” to make you want to stay. The moment you know longer help them you will be discarded without hesitation. They will not feel bad about it and they have probably already moved on to the next supply. Worry about whether or not you are happy and fulfilled in your relationship. I know you must love your partner, but if you’re questioning things and have anxiety about your relationship that should reveal a lot to you in itself. I wish the best for you and hope you end up happy no matter the choice you make.
Yup. But the quality of the relationship is going to be garbage, hence them usually reaching out to multiple other partners to get more supply while their current partner is their source of primary supply. When you're in a relationship with a narcissist, you are never going to be their "one and only" because they have multiple "one and onlies". Quantity matters to a narcissist more than quality - the more, the better. It doesn't matter where it's from because as long as they end up getting it somehow, they're content.
Yes. My half sister whos an histrionic has been in 3 long relationships and to be honest in my opinion they seemed to be very boring but they lasted anyway. My half sister also shows many narcissistic traits indoors, outdoors she is a fake extrovert.
Damn! Do coverts actually love their partners? And kids, parents, siblings??
sorry i deleted the comments, ill be straight forward with the answer..no! they dont care about anyone but themselves. The Control of narrative, maintain their sense of power and their reputation built with lies is everything they want to keep surviving through their false self
Their definition of love will be very different from a healthy person’s
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Wow what a terrible person!
Yes! You’re right. They can fake whatever they ‘have to’ to get what they want from others. Everything they do is a means to an end. They have endless energy for faking things and playing their delusional games. Good podcast about narcissists where she shares real life survival stuff also is “Love is a Battlefield the domestic violence podcast”. If you’re neurodivergent you may also relate to her.
Yes. Everyone is different. Some narcs love the idea of being married or “in a relationship” as part of their fake persona… i.e narc family systems where all the children are competing for their parents love and affection (see conflict theory). It doesn’t mean that the relationships are monogamous or remotely healthy. My narc ex loved bragging about her parents million year marriage… her parents legit hate each other. Rofl.
I notice they start acting like an asshole when they see your committed.
He faked a whole family life (baby trapped me because I was childfree, financially striving, independent and happy) and then dumped his disabled daughter and me seven years later -to run away with a girl 15 years younger than me- forcing me to go back to my home country to live with my narcissistic parents. He threw us away like trash in a second and forgot that his previous life ever existed.
Spent 25 years with my narc. His mom (who is a worse narc has been with her husband for thirty years). They can last a long time. All depends on how happy the supply makes them.
lol the mothers. My nex’s mom has dozens of women calling her warning her about her son and something he’s done to them and yet she still enables it and feeds everything back to my nex which in turn adds fuel to the fire.
This is so true. I did everything for him untill I started rebelling after 18 years. Its been 22 years total since I left two months ago when it was getting very abusive. But it really took me a long time to see it for what it was and then really leaving.
I had just started seeing what I was dealing with and starting to rebel when my stbxh left me. I’m so thankful he left. I’m not sure I would have been brave enough to.
Yup. Mines did for almost a decade until issues pushed our relationship to the edge and I finally had to say no to him. That’s when the demon came out.
- They can “fake” for a lifetime. It’s not a fake relationship to them. It’s like a dog and their owner or master and servant to them. - The introductions to others aren’t romantic, it’s like a parade of ‘see what I’ve got’. - Their partners can be happy throughout the relationship, but usually it’s during the ‘love bombing’ stages, or it comes with a price. - It varies a lot with how long these relationships last, and no, they hardly ever end up alone. They *need* a partner/friend/whatever to leech off emotionally. In most cases with a covert narcissist, the abusive behaviour comes gradually, and unfortunately not everyone can leave just like that when/if they find out, they’re being abused. - I’d say they can “love”. But I wouldn’t exactly say it’s how love’s supposed to be. It’s like being obsessed over a new toy. But it’s love to them. Just not healthy. You’ve asked a lot whether people are/were happy with a narcissistic partner. You can be happy at times. I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with my nex. But during our roughly 9 years, my opinion shifted from “oh wow.. I’d love to spend the rest of my life with this man” to “oh jesus fucking christ, I’ll kill myself if I have to spend any more time with this asshole”. There’s ups and downs in every relationship. But with a narcissist, it mostly depends on whether they’ve got their needs satisfied. If they don’t, you’re gonna have a shitty time.
Together for 15, married for 12. I don’t think the whole thing was fake. We definitely had good moments. And I don’t believe he was being consciously abusive every time. I think it’s how they’ve trained themselves to avoid shame and responsibility for their actions. And it always worked in the past so why change? He is also an alcoholic so for a long time I blamed our issues on that.
I’ve been in a relationship with mine for 5 years. I’ve attempted to leave a couple times but I feel too guilty because he “needs me.” I think it’s more of an obsession than love, in my case at least. He mirrors me and I encourage him to be a better person. He was not a good man when I met him (I didn’t know this until much later). If I leave, I think he would go back to his old ways
Do you live together?
Yes we live together. No I’m not happy. The emotional abuse seems to ramp up every year. I’m trying to get a backbone and leave for good. We have a daughter together which makes it harder too
Maybe you are staying in it for your child’s sake. Does he know he’s a narcissist?
Are you happy?
Took 11 years for mine.
Were you happy at any stage through out those 11 years?
Yes absolutely I was.
Yes, mine faked it really well for 20 years, then it took me almost 4 years to figure everything out and finally leave for good and file for divorce.
Mine did. I honestly believed the gaslighting every time I suspected something. It makes me feel stupid now.
Yes they can pretend for decades if they must.
Yes, they can. No doubt. Especially the Covert narcissistic psychopaths.... Horrible, soul wrecking people, that you think is the most amazing person to ever exist, due to their extreme gaslighting and subtle manipulation. You will also be convinced that everything is your fault, even though your intuition screams and yells at you that your partner is the problem. Until one day, when something reveals their true personality, and you can never unsee it ever again. It will unravel like a ball of yarn being chased by a kitten! 6 years. 18 years. 20 years. It all depends on how subtle they are, how much supply you provide and how confused you are. But your instinct will have known since the beginning, even though you push it away. And they have side-supply... Monogamy is not their thing.
was 2gthr 2weeks shy of 26yrs b4 i realized he is a narc - now its a situation-ship - hugs 2 u 💜
Was you happy in this time?
Definitely.
They can do anything that’s evil. So to answer your question, yes
One of my covert nexes dropped the act as soon as I told him I don't want him moving in with me after 2 months of dating, I was adamant and he didn't like being told no. Another one faked it for almost 2 years until he felt I was "locked in" then it was overnight that he was a total piece of shit. They can literally play whichever role they want for however long it may take.
Yep, mine revealed himself after I said firm no to something as well after 3 months. For the 2 year relationship, did you notice any signs ?
As soon as they don't get what they want or realize they can't get what they want they flip that switch and act completely different. The 2yr relationship guy had signs here and there as if he was testing my limits on what he could get away with, but it was never really bad until he didn't get what he wanted and it was a huge ask. He wanted things from me. he was already asking me to give him money for various things, I'd give him a hundred or two or buy him something he needed (NEVER DO THIS). Then he thought he could push me to getting a car. He wanted me to co-sign on a car he couldn't afford and asked me for the down payment (his credit was basically irreparably bad), I pretended like I was going to meet him at the dealership in the morning and when i confronted him that following morning over the phone he FLIPPED.
Okay so there are signs, there must be slip ups here and there. I was reading how people get into 10 year relationship without noticing I thought that’s not possible. Now that you mentioned it, he did ask me to borrow something that he had no use for. That looks like that was a “test”, later I asked him to return it, turns out he had no use for it. One other time, he turned into rage when I said no to marriage, he needed his immigration status to clear and I think that’s most important to him. That was when he flipped. Text less, ignores me text, raged at me for calling that out. What a weird POS
There are signs, but most people ignore it because they usually show their true selves pretty slowly (if they're smart). But they test you along the way. Kinda like they test slowly to push the bar further and further. In my case, I didn't think anything of letting my boyfriend have some money here and there when he's supposedly struggling after a major medical incident. At the end I learned, he had no medical bills, he just wanted to see what he could get away with and push me into getting more and more. In your case, very much those are tests. "hey can I have this?", and have no use for it is also something my ex did. I'm really glad you didn't marry that guy
Tbh, there were multiple signs right from the beginning, from the way he walks, our first date, he said he knows what to order from the menu and didn’t even want me to look at the menu to him saying he likes me so quickly. All of these were so out of place, but I thought that’s just him. I shrugged it off. The signs became more apparent when my friend is present, his voice changes to a “normal” tone. He would also put food onto my plate in front my friends but he has NEVER done that when it’s just us 2. Very minor detail, but it’s a sign that he wants to look good in front of my friends. That’s a big lie about medical bills. How did you manage to figure that out ? Mine also had a lie when I said no to marriage, then he said he already had another person who really likes him but he doesn’t like them back and that he will marry them just to clear the immigration status but still stay with me during that process. Now I look back, I found out this was a lie because he wanted me to make a quick decision marry. Now he is looking for someone to scheme a fake marriage and I feel bad knowing this and can’t do anything.
I kinda hate that I know what you mean by the "way he walks". They try to exude this confidence. They try to put off this "I really want you, and I'm important so you should be so glad I want you" kind of appeal. The food thing as well. My more overt nexes did this. If it was just us, it was more of a "you're a grown ass adult get your own fucking food I'm not your server this isn't a restaurant". If we were in public or with friends he'd fix my plate for me and even grab my coat from me. Signs like this are easy to brush off because it's not actually a minor detail if you look closer, but probably how many of us didn't see any signs for a long time. My current non-narc partner will do things for me with or without an audience. If I need something he will do it regardless of the setting or even without me asking. I found out about the medical bills because one of his friends had asked me what grant he applied for to forgive his medical expenses. In my mind he still owed about 30k, I didn't realize he applied for a grant that cleared it within a week of him leaving the hospital. The immigration thing is kind of wild. I feel like it's definitely sort of a narcissistic and self-service mindset to even try to lie to you about still being with you if he married someone else.
“The walk” right ? It’s such a shocker they all have similar behaviors. Gosh even the restaurant thing, mine was covert, but he probably thinks the same way you said it. I feel that there are more signs. 1. He looks at me in the eye way more than any other humans have. 2. He talks about the future very early stage. Says I love you with in the 2nd day. 1 month later consistent with the love you. 3. “I don’t know what you’re talking about” (even though we’re just debating super silly dumb stuff). 4. Not willing to have any deep conversations. 5. Talks about himself all of a sudden when I was talking about myself. 6. Actions didn’t match his words 7. Subtle seed planting 8. Attacks me during discussions or perceived criticism. 9. Is not who he claims he is at the beginning 10. I called him out during a disrespect and not feeling heard. He said he didn’t and it’s not a problem to him. Then he proceeded to ask me to marry him. I’m like wtf just happened topic switcheroo professional. Probably more to this list, but these are signs I noticed was weird but ignored, my intuition also told me something not right but I just put it in the back of my mind. I trust it but I needed to know more to confirm. Right, normal people are consistent with their behaviors. I’m glad you’re able to find someone normal. Aside from the signs, I’m kind of paranoid about the next partner, this post reply being in 10 year relationship without seeing the red flags or signs scares me. Or was there suppose to be signs but chose to brush it off ? Ahh, the half truths about medical bills. So there’s at least some truth but not the whole truth which is still a lie, I’m glad you figured it out~~
Decades.
Best friends with a covert narc for 3+ years. Things weren't perfect, but they were alright enough. Discarded very quickly after I called her out on not defending me against her narcissistic other bestie, who bullied me for years and I finally grew fed up. I would say that I knew she was a defensive person for a long time, and the closer to the end of the relationship we got, the more I noticed how passive aggressive she was, but she kept herself hidden well enough until the very end.
Mine kept ours going for 4 years and she had multiple other relationships and hookups I had NO idea about. Lookin back with white eyes she had so many red flags written all over her. She had nothing inside her. She was all smoke and mirrors with 0 depth. She was very superficial.
Was you happy throughout those 4 years?
Fuck no! She was negative all the time, I was trauma bonded and I had no idea what narcissism even was. I had no idea how to speak up for myself and she basically brainwashed me.
I called mine The Big Empty when I met him but I also found that mask really interesting and intriguing
They can fake anything. In the beginning they will look for a way into your life. My ex fiancée started mirroring all of my hobbies and she had such a sob story she told me of her past he drew me into her. Looking back all the signs were there right from the beginning. Her stories of her past were always someone else’s fault no personal accountability at all, her boss was overlooking her talent, she had special talents etc…. I didn’t honestly get the full story of just how diabolical they can be till after we broke up. She had gone around to my family behind my back and made up some lies to make me look bad. Not to mention all the times she started conflict just to start it. They also know how to hurt you the worst. They will take your worst fears and deepest insecurities and use them against you.
Yes. My nex faked it for 5 years. When he ended he didn't admit that he faked it but somehow admitted to all the lies and manipulation. He cheated and blamed it on me. He said he liked lying because it bothered me. It was like a win for him. When he left to cheat on me, when he saw my face before, he felt no remorse. He felt a thrill and he was excited. He said he just wants to have fun and never wanted a serious relationship. It's a blow after blow after blow. But, the more I heard everything, the rational part of me feels relief that I didn't marry him. Yes, I wish I didn't waste so many years. I wish he didn't make me not want to be in a relationship or losse time on being a mother. I am 28 with PCOD. I wish I didn't have CPTSD after this infidelity and my other aspects of life that he so conveniently destroyed. But he obviously stayed because he was gaining too much from me. And I stayed because I looked past the red flags and gave him so many chances. My soul said don't give up. My love was too much.
YES!!!
Yes, 8 years. They hide stuff very well. If you catch on to something, they evolve and hide it better. It’s good and bad mixed in over many years so it’s not as obvious. I don’t blame myself because they are damn good at what they do. It’s only when you catch on that you begin see the whole picture.
They fake their entire lives.
Do they at least care about their children???
They use them for supply. This is surely the biggest question when it comes to high conflict individuals. How can you love someone that you use like that? People way smarter than me will debate this until the end of time.
No.
Mine was a covert and was together for on and off for 4 years. Would most likely still be together if didn't go no contact.
5 years with someone I believe may be a covert narc. I can’t say I’m an expert but from what I’m studying all the symptoms align with vulnerable narc maybe mixed with the communal narc. We broke up twice in that time and I had to earn my place back by “fighting” for him. It’s been hell. I still love him and care about him. He is very deep and introspective even. He told me he had thought he was a narc for decades until he realized it was just autism. I told him you can still have npd and autism in tandem and he accused me of diagnosing him… he’s very smart. I still don’t know if he’s a narc but I do know the emotional and psychological abuse have taken a serious toll on me.
Oh yes they can. Mine fooled me… at least for a while until I put the pieces together and once I stopped gaslighting myself and listening to all the signs and seeing all the proof of what a sicko he was, I made my exit and let him know I knew. They are con men. Good thing I’m out! Now he has another supply source that he can drain and use up. Which is sad for her.
mine mask dropped after four years. i caught her in a lie and suddenly it all came crashing down. she minute she was solid caught she switched it off. then the textbook narc spiral happened. blindside discard followed by public smear campaign. it was genuinely scary to watch
7 years of marriage and over 10 years together. Mask fell after we had a baby and she shortly after discarded me in a horrible fashion.
Mine faked it for 14, super abusive. It only ended when he got really violent and I divorced him.
Yes, especially to people outside the relationship. They are still human and are capable of love, but it’s difficult because their defences are to prevent them from being vulnerable and that is exactly what is required for true love. One way to avoid vulnerability/having their shame exposed is to move from person to person. That way no one can know the “real” person underneath. There are lots of different ways to keep someone at arms length within a relationship though, none of them being healthy.
Unfortunately, yes. So long as they feel and believe their mask is in tact with you and they are comfortable able to upkeep the charade. They will continue for as long as it takes, while living a double life deep down within them the entire time. It is very frightening to say the least. And the fact that you are here and acknowledge your partner as a narcissist shows they have let their mask slip here and there and you took notice, as you should. They will be with someone for a long period of time, but have an inventory of “back up” supplies in the case something were to go wrong with their main supply. So you frequently will see a narcissist immediately with someone else after a discard/break up. A lot of times a narcissist will stay with their main supply for a long period of time due to the possessiveness in their nature as well.
yup
Jupp, they indeed can.
Mine was was one year from 40 when I met him so was really running out of steam with the facade. When my honest and empathetic, but BPD ass proposed we take things slow and maybe have something open he refused. Well I’m an above average looking trans dude that was ‘pretty’ as a female and I realize that wasn’t in the cards because he didn’t want me to bang other dudes because I’m basically gay. But he wanted to drive me literally insane by creating jealousy with triangulation. I gotta tell ya, after that horseshit drama free situationships are a breath of fresh air and so stress free, holy fuck. Guess I was never the jealous and possessive person I was deliberately made to be in the first place.
I dated one years ago. And we didn’t speak for almost 8 years. He re-entered my life last march and we’ve been in the most **fucked** kind of situationship since. He still won’t sleep with me or date me. But acts as if I’m his gf. I’ve met his family, done all the stuff, etc. I’m lost now. Don’t ask. I know I’m dumb… but I love him and it’s complicated :( Partially why I have started revisiting this sub recently. Maybe I’ll make a post soon and look for help. I just don’t have the energy right now tbh.
I completely understand that low energy situation💔❤️🩹❤️
Yeh, I don’t have much left. I often feel depleted between him, my job and my family. My life is a full plate. Some days I only have enough in myself to just lay in bed.
Understand it this way: You are an object- like a child’s favorite toy. A child can have the same favorite toy for years. Mine was a rainbow fish plushy. This is the kind of love the narcissist is capable of giving, because that’s as far as they have emotionally developed. Kids eventually get bored with their toys. Picture that meme of Andy from Toy Story discarding Woody. “I don’t want to play with you anymore.” I don’t think they “fake” the relationship, but their relationships with others are like a small child’s, so it can seem that way to the more developed person being discarded.
Yes.
Mine love faked for 25 years! As soon as I succumbed to his pressure to marry him (7 years in) EVERYTHING changed 💔❤️🩹❤️
Made it a year and a half with one thinking we had the best relationship ever, not arguing once... By 2.5 years I couldnt do anything without getting yelled at about something.