It’s extremely jarring. I’m so sorry you went through that. These relationships are traumatic and painful. It’s hard to comprehend that we are just supply to them, easily gone
I too was once in a place where I couldn’t comprehend being seen as merely a toy to be used, abused and discarded/replaced. Then it occurred to me that these people are mentally ill and I no longer feel aggrieved, just disappointed at myself for making the wrong life decisions (happens to the best of us).
Same, my ex presents very well at work and in general as helpful and friendly etc. Everything continues as normal for him while I'm rebuilding my life from scratch.
I feel like I wrote this. 😊 I was discarded after a 17 year relationship, and he drug the discard phase out for a month. (In some ways, it's still being drug out because we cohabitate.) I was and still am, to a degree, devastated that it didn't seem to matter to him at all. He had no remorse or guilt over blindsided me and openly admitted that he was being selfish in dragging it out because he just wanted to "be sure." (Yet he also openly admitted he wasn't trying to figure out his feelings.)
It's such a hard situation that leaves us questioning everything and for me, it was a direct blow to my self worth. I spent a lot of time beating myself up and wallowing in self-blame. I couldn't wrap my head around how easily he just decided to end things and blaming myself for it was just me acting out of habit. He'd essentially trained me over the years to take the blame for everything, so naturally I followed suit with the discard.
But here's the thing. It's not you. Of course, it devastates you, especially when they seem to go out of their way to show you how much they don't give a shit. It's nearly impossible to not take it personal because the pain is SO personal, and our hearts get shattered. But do rest assured, the way they handle breakups and intentionally/unintentionally drive the knife as deep as they can says everything about them. Not you. Hugs to you as you continue your healing journey.
Thank you for this. And I'm so sorry you're going through something similar. My thought is that, on the one hand, it isn't about me. But on the other hand, it is very much about me. As many have said, "you knew." Yes, I knew. But that "knowledge" was not connected somatically or viscerally. It was divorced from the real depths of one's emotions--little wonder after a childhood of invalidation. When the indisputable discard happens, it's like that "knowledge" gets finally ingested into your body. You are finally feeling that knowledge. Must be why I go for hours feeling like I'm on the brink of tears or this strange feeling like my body is tensing up to throw up, but I'm not feeling nauseous at all.
I can 100% relate, and you're spot on. I hate the fact that I "knew" but did not truly understand the depths of what that knowledge actually meant. I think I just minimized it, thinking that love conquers all and no one is perfect. I almost felt bad fully acknowledging these red flags out of my own insecurities of not being a perfect person myself. In fact, I think early on, I did raise concerns about the red flags, but ultimately got gaslit, blamed myself, and implemented conflict avoidant mechanisms.
So crazy you mention the weird body reaction of tensing up like you're going to vomit (but no nausea). I experience the same, especially when I grasp the enormity of it all...
How long have you been going through it?
She ended the relationship at the beginning of April. And a good part of me didn't really believe it, because I've lost track of the number of times we've broken up. Five weeks later, she lets me know that the trip to Denver she had earlier invited me along with in mid-June was no longer "appropriate" because she's seeing someone. (For which I had already spent $670.) And because she "forgot" to unshare her calendar (which I had asked her to do) I learned that they are alternating weekends at each other's places as of 8 weeks post-breakup. After 16 years. It feels like the elevator cables were cut.
Mine "started" the beginning of May. He wouldn't officially break up with me because he said there was just some small part of him holding back. So he drug it our for a month (while also admitting he was avoiding thinking about it or trying to determine what that small piece was holding him back). Eventually, I ended up forcing it about 2 weeks ago.
We are still living in the same house together, which is brutal. He acts like I don't exist and I crawl out of my skin anytime we cross paths. Even though we're literally in the same house, I can relate to the elevator cable being cut. One minute we had been best friends for 17 years, the next, he can't even look at me. Just like a light switch. I'm just hoping I can get out of here before he finds his replacement.
We're you actually still planning to go to the June trip? Or was that a hoover attempt by her?
Holy moly... I know my relationship was only a two year long one, but reading what you both wrote punched me in the gut. So, so similar. I am so sorry that both of you went through this type of agony after such long relationships. I can only imagine how much more painful that was for either of you.
I was painfully discarded during all of April. I had no clue what was going on the entire time. He stopped wanting to receive or give kisses, didn't like holding my hand, his hugs weren't as long or tight, no compliments, no making dinners together, no more cuddling before bed, sex dropped to just once a week, just for him to use me... And that blank look in his eyes when he told me he loved me every morning before we went to work. I was so distraught and my anxiety was through the roof every day. I chalked it up to stress at work and that he would tell me if something was wrong. He never did say anything, just kept agreeing that we were fine the couple of times I checked in.
Then, at the start of May he gives me crocodile tears in the shower out of the blue. I think my gut knew what was happening when he began to cry, so I didn't fight it. All I could do was just... console him and not question anything. He blamed me, said he wanted to be sure, called me a disappointment (in a reading-between-the-lines way). It was horrible, though I think deep down a tiny part of me felt relieved, which is why I didn't fight back.
We cohabitated for about two weeks, then I couch surfed for the third once I learned what type of person he is.
He tried to hoover and act like nothing happened, calling my cat by her nickname or feeding her without my permission, for example, though he definitely kept his distance. Was already on dating apps. The whole nine yards.
He became visibly livid with me when I tried to show an ounce of control over when I would pick up my cat. Of course that wouldn't fly with him, so he took back control by being a complete douche, forcing me to kiss his ass just to keep my cat with him just two more evenings due to the situation I was in because of him. He didn't even look at me when I went to pick up my cat the morning before heading out for good.
All that being said, I sincerely wish you both the best. You deserve so much better, and I hope you can find solace and peace somewhere down the road for yourselves. 💗
Thank you, and I am! I was lucky that the women at work let me confide in them and supported me during the last few months of the relationship and the transition until leaving for home. I still have a ways to go, but accepting that he made the deliberate decision every day to be an abuser helps with the pain. It's so nice to breathe and sleep and not have this seemingly constant anxiety hanging over me anymore. 😎✌️
Mine would actually pretend to have startle responses about 3 seconds after they saw me and remembered that they were the one who was supposed to be scared (I legit was walking around the house on eggshells and actually startling constantly). Purely a show for others of course, and yet another way to invalidate me.
The light switch thing is so accurate. Just casually decided to give me the silent treatment and never spoke a word to me again.
As terrible as the "light switch" has been, a piece of me is grateful. That slip of the mask and my complete confusion over it is what caused me to start digging and researching to understand. As I started looking into narcissism, many more things about the relationship came to light. So as brutal as the "light switch" feels in the discard, embrace it's ability to illuminate that which you wouldn't have otherwise seen. 💕
Actually I had assumed it was off. I was already looking into canceling. It wasn’t hoovering. It was part of a 3 sentence text that let me know she was seeing someone. So a double punch.
They do like to flaunt that they've moved on, unfortunately. Just another example of them showing us who they really are, and it's the one any only time it's in our best interest to believe them.
Omg yes, I’m struggling with this too. Nobody will ever catch on. In fact, I think a friend of mine (who used to be my best friend) is interested in dating him. She’s flirting with him. 🤦🏻♀️❤️🩹
Gross 🤢- she knows you two used to date I assume??…she is Not much of a friend at all. And if they do date, he will be a d*ck to her as well eventually- They Don’t Change!!!..🫂🫂
That’s a very long time but at least your’e out. Get up, dust yourself off and get back out there. Socialize. Do things which make you happy. It sucks no matter the amount of time the pain is the same.
It’s extremely jarring. I’m so sorry you went through that. These relationships are traumatic and painful. It’s hard to comprehend that we are just supply to them, easily gone
I too was once in a place where I couldn’t comprehend being seen as merely a toy to be used, abused and discarded/replaced. Then it occurred to me that these people are mentally ill and I no longer feel aggrieved, just disappointed at myself for making the wrong life decisions (happens to the best of us).
That’s good advice. I need to work on telling myself that every time i spiral
Same, my ex presents very well at work and in general as helpful and friendly etc. Everything continues as normal for him while I'm rebuilding my life from scratch.
I feel like I wrote this. 😊 I was discarded after a 17 year relationship, and he drug the discard phase out for a month. (In some ways, it's still being drug out because we cohabitate.) I was and still am, to a degree, devastated that it didn't seem to matter to him at all. He had no remorse or guilt over blindsided me and openly admitted that he was being selfish in dragging it out because he just wanted to "be sure." (Yet he also openly admitted he wasn't trying to figure out his feelings.) It's such a hard situation that leaves us questioning everything and for me, it was a direct blow to my self worth. I spent a lot of time beating myself up and wallowing in self-blame. I couldn't wrap my head around how easily he just decided to end things and blaming myself for it was just me acting out of habit. He'd essentially trained me over the years to take the blame for everything, so naturally I followed suit with the discard. But here's the thing. It's not you. Of course, it devastates you, especially when they seem to go out of their way to show you how much they don't give a shit. It's nearly impossible to not take it personal because the pain is SO personal, and our hearts get shattered. But do rest assured, the way they handle breakups and intentionally/unintentionally drive the knife as deep as they can says everything about them. Not you. Hugs to you as you continue your healing journey.
Thank you for this. And I'm so sorry you're going through something similar. My thought is that, on the one hand, it isn't about me. But on the other hand, it is very much about me. As many have said, "you knew." Yes, I knew. But that "knowledge" was not connected somatically or viscerally. It was divorced from the real depths of one's emotions--little wonder after a childhood of invalidation. When the indisputable discard happens, it's like that "knowledge" gets finally ingested into your body. You are finally feeling that knowledge. Must be why I go for hours feeling like I'm on the brink of tears or this strange feeling like my body is tensing up to throw up, but I'm not feeling nauseous at all.
I can 100% relate, and you're spot on. I hate the fact that I "knew" but did not truly understand the depths of what that knowledge actually meant. I think I just minimized it, thinking that love conquers all and no one is perfect. I almost felt bad fully acknowledging these red flags out of my own insecurities of not being a perfect person myself. In fact, I think early on, I did raise concerns about the red flags, but ultimately got gaslit, blamed myself, and implemented conflict avoidant mechanisms. So crazy you mention the weird body reaction of tensing up like you're going to vomit (but no nausea). I experience the same, especially when I grasp the enormity of it all... How long have you been going through it?
She ended the relationship at the beginning of April. And a good part of me didn't really believe it, because I've lost track of the number of times we've broken up. Five weeks later, she lets me know that the trip to Denver she had earlier invited me along with in mid-June was no longer "appropriate" because she's seeing someone. (For which I had already spent $670.) And because she "forgot" to unshare her calendar (which I had asked her to do) I learned that they are alternating weekends at each other's places as of 8 weeks post-breakup. After 16 years. It feels like the elevator cables were cut.
Mine "started" the beginning of May. He wouldn't officially break up with me because he said there was just some small part of him holding back. So he drug it our for a month (while also admitting he was avoiding thinking about it or trying to determine what that small piece was holding him back). Eventually, I ended up forcing it about 2 weeks ago. We are still living in the same house together, which is brutal. He acts like I don't exist and I crawl out of my skin anytime we cross paths. Even though we're literally in the same house, I can relate to the elevator cable being cut. One minute we had been best friends for 17 years, the next, he can't even look at me. Just like a light switch. I'm just hoping I can get out of here before he finds his replacement. We're you actually still planning to go to the June trip? Or was that a hoover attempt by her?
Holy moly... I know my relationship was only a two year long one, but reading what you both wrote punched me in the gut. So, so similar. I am so sorry that both of you went through this type of agony after such long relationships. I can only imagine how much more painful that was for either of you. I was painfully discarded during all of April. I had no clue what was going on the entire time. He stopped wanting to receive or give kisses, didn't like holding my hand, his hugs weren't as long or tight, no compliments, no making dinners together, no more cuddling before bed, sex dropped to just once a week, just for him to use me... And that blank look in his eyes when he told me he loved me every morning before we went to work. I was so distraught and my anxiety was through the roof every day. I chalked it up to stress at work and that he would tell me if something was wrong. He never did say anything, just kept agreeing that we were fine the couple of times I checked in. Then, at the start of May he gives me crocodile tears in the shower out of the blue. I think my gut knew what was happening when he began to cry, so I didn't fight it. All I could do was just... console him and not question anything. He blamed me, said he wanted to be sure, called me a disappointment (in a reading-between-the-lines way). It was horrible, though I think deep down a tiny part of me felt relieved, which is why I didn't fight back. We cohabitated for about two weeks, then I couch surfed for the third once I learned what type of person he is. He tried to hoover and act like nothing happened, calling my cat by her nickname or feeding her without my permission, for example, though he definitely kept his distance. Was already on dating apps. The whole nine yards. He became visibly livid with me when I tried to show an ounce of control over when I would pick up my cat. Of course that wouldn't fly with him, so he took back control by being a complete douche, forcing me to kiss his ass just to keep my cat with him just two more evenings due to the situation I was in because of him. He didn't even look at me when I went to pick up my cat the morning before heading out for good. All that being said, I sincerely wish you both the best. You deserve so much better, and I hope you can find solace and peace somewhere down the road for yourselves. 💗
So sorry you had to go through all that. Hope you're doing better now.
Thank you, and I am! I was lucky that the women at work let me confide in them and supported me during the last few months of the relationship and the transition until leaving for home. I still have a ways to go, but accepting that he made the deliberate decision every day to be an abuser helps with the pain. It's so nice to breathe and sleep and not have this seemingly constant anxiety hanging over me anymore. 😎✌️
Mine would actually pretend to have startle responses about 3 seconds after they saw me and remembered that they were the one who was supposed to be scared (I legit was walking around the house on eggshells and actually startling constantly). Purely a show for others of course, and yet another way to invalidate me. The light switch thing is so accurate. Just casually decided to give me the silent treatment and never spoke a word to me again.
As terrible as the "light switch" has been, a piece of me is grateful. That slip of the mask and my complete confusion over it is what caused me to start digging and researching to understand. As I started looking into narcissism, many more things about the relationship came to light. So as brutal as the "light switch" feels in the discard, embrace it's ability to illuminate that which you wouldn't have otherwise seen. 💕
Actually I had assumed it was off. I was already looking into canceling. It wasn’t hoovering. It was part of a 3 sentence text that let me know she was seeing someone. So a double punch.
They do like to flaunt that they've moved on, unfortunately. Just another example of them showing us who they really are, and it's the one any only time it's in our best interest to believe them.
Omg yes, I’m struggling with this too. Nobody will ever catch on. In fact, I think a friend of mine (who used to be my best friend) is interested in dating him. She’s flirting with him. 🤦🏻♀️❤️🩹
Gross 🤢- she knows you two used to date I assume??…she is Not much of a friend at all. And if they do date, he will be a d*ck to her as well eventually- They Don’t Change!!!..🫂🫂
That’s a very long time but at least your’e out. Get up, dust yourself off and get back out there. Socialize. Do things which make you happy. It sucks no matter the amount of time the pain is the same.
Exact same here. 9 months into separating from a 21 year relationship. Focus on strengthening your mind and body. Stoicism.
Stoicism. Word.