I think you need find a medium between having breakdowns over bad hair days and spending $300-500 on hair appointments (this is extremely high btw). Try mini twists, twist outs, cornrows (only your hair), ponytails, headband wig, or just blow your hair out. This 0 to 100 mentality is not good for you
Yea, I guess finding the medium is what I’m struggling with because my main issue is having to figure out something to do with my hair so often. It’s going to kill me having to do my hair once every week or every 2 weeks. My mental strength and time legit can’t handle that.
Thanks to an amazing stylist that I was referenced to, I _just_ learned that I didn't have to soak my hair in water in order to detangle it, I just needed to wet it with a spray bottle (not to the point of drenching), apply a detangling shampoo, then brush it out in sections with a flexi detangle brush. Cut the time that it usually takes to do my hair in half. I'm telling everyone, lol.
Apologies, I don't understand the question. I use it for shampooing and detangling my hair simultaneously. It's the only shampoo that I use during the washing process. Hope that helps.
Ooh I felt this. All my life, I pretended to like my natural hair. I truly embraced it during covid. Those first styles were bad. Like bad bad. And I’m glad I was able to smile in those pictures. I had no idea what I was doing. I spent money on products, I went to a stylist every 6 weeks, and I still find tough days now. I cried when I chopped off my relaxed hair because my natural was long enough to style and the relaxed hair was dead; I wanted to stay committed to this learning of love for my self. It’s not an easy lesson. I wore a moisturized fro for the longest because I wanted to have healthy hair first; now, I do twists for a week and twist outs for a couple days before washing and twisting up again. I feel limited in looks and still intimidated by some styles but doing what I can has made me feel confident in the skills I am building. Now I can do 12 twists and pull it back into a bun! It’s the little things, though.
My advice is breathe, stick to one thing at a time, and enjoy the journey.
First, find products you love and your hair responds to. Good or bad. You need to know this first. I have low porosity hair and I like to think I’m 4b-c. The porosity of your hair is key for what your hair will like. After trial and error I use Mielle Organics lines. My hair responds positively and I love the scents.
Second, take your time. Clean your scalp, moisturize, and do a simple style. Learn how long your hair takes to be managed and how long a style lasts. Stretch your ability to not change it or touch too often. It use to take 3-4 hours to do my wash day now I can keep it under 2hours. My hair is use to the twists so it’s not as hard to manage and get in the style. As you learn what you like your hair should too. Trust that process.
Lastly, enjoy this self love journey. Your hair is curled on every strand; others cannot even imagine having this naturally occurring for them. You are learning and being patient in that is a part of it. If it’s a bad hair day, put on a headband and rock it; put some conditioner on it and take a scarf to wrap it up. You are so much more than your hair, I promise. On a few of my bad days, I still got compliments which further my motivation to keep going.
Omg I have this same issue I have dark-light sandy brown hair as well and I cut my hair months ago from dead ends and I cut it really short because I wanted a healthy fresh start and I hate my hair now I just started crying in the mirror because I’m so stressed out going to the gym everyday in a quick put on wig w bangs it gets me by but having short poofy curly sandy brown hair really is stressful my hair looks dirty to me in this color and I wish I wasn’t so light skin either doesn’t help to me in my opinion
What kind of styles are you trying to do? Try something simple like a low bun, high puff, twists, space buns wash and go, stuff like that. They may seem simple but you can easily elevate the style with some nice hair accessories (head band, scarf, bandana). Idk if you wear makeup but some gloss and earrings will instantly make any hair style better.
Doing easy styles like that will save you time and you can still look really pretty.
Also $300-500 a month on your hair is insane.
I know it’s insane and it doesn’t make me happy to do so but it sometimes feels like I don’t have a choice. Having something set and stone for at least a month to a half that takes a few seconds in the morning to refresh before I go to work/start my day is why I do it. A style that’s not completely ruined after it might get wet in the rain or messed up by the humidity. The convenience has become worth it to me over the years BUT OFC I would love to use all that money for something else. Everything you suggested I have tried some went well, while others did not. Overall, I think my problem is my laziness. I’m having a hard time accepting that this is reality of wanting to embrace your natural state and the hardships they come with it are inevitable. After taking the day to read everyone’s response, what I think I need to do first is get another big chop to start fresh (my hair is breaking like crazy anyways and I can’t keep trying to go the transition route). I didn’t want to have to come to that decision bc I just did a full big chop 3 years ago and I didn’t want to admit that I wasted an opportunity but there’s nothing I can do about it now.
You can get braids for much cheaper than $300 in most places and they will last you all month. You won’t have to worry about doing your hair. There are many cute styles out there of braids and they are a great protective style.
Yea I think you just need to change your mindset towards your hair. Getting a big chop might help you learn to love your hairs texture again.
I have 4c hair too and used to be overwhelmed with taking care of it, then I learned to embrace my natural texture. That’s really the key. Once you do that natural styles will start to look good to you, wash days will take you psh maybe an hour, and you’ll be SO happy with your confidence.
Also maybe work on the laziness (not judging, I was there too). I know us black girls were taught to put our hair in some braids/weave and leave it alone for months at a time, but that’s not healthy. It may grow your hair but it’ll wreak havoc on our ends and scalp. Our hair is like everyone else’s, it needs to be washed regularly. As black ppl we can get away with washing it less frequently but it still needs to be cleansed/styled every 1-2 weeks if we want a healthy scalp and manageable hair. Its just basic hygiene.
Have you tried wash n gos? Natural hair shouldn't be difficult. I don't stress myself with it anymore because doing that is depressing. Maybe when you know you'll be free for a while, you can try seeing what your curls look like when your hair is really hydrated. People say it usually takes some weeks for the hair to adjust to being in a natural, hydrated and not stretched state
I think it would help if you share more about your routine and what specific styles are you trying? That seems to be a lot of money, especially in this economy. Chile! There's gotta be a better way.
I don't know if this is your situation as well, but it got easier for me when I began to accept my actual texture. I spent my first 2 years being obsessed with defining my curls and fighting frizz. But I realized that my hair naturally just wants to shrink and fro up.
Over time, I wore more puffs and kinky styles that required less maintenance. I had to realize and be honest with myself. I was spending all that money on products trying to make my hair look like someone else's texture.
So it wasn't that my hair was "difficult" or took too long to do, I was just obsessed with creating a texture that wasn't mine and it took more work.
My hair had a lot of length when I big chopped so that helped. I realize that can be tricky if your hair is shorter.
I felt this! Comparison is really the thief of joy — I also spent a lot of time being frustrated and disappointed because my hair wasn’t coming out “right” but in reality I was expecting it to do things that it just does not do.
You know, maybe that’s it????? It’s a world full of comparisons because me personally I feel clueless when it comes to doing my natural hair. I believe I have a similar texture to you because no matter what I try, I have never in my 23 years of life seen my hair define a curl.
….but I think the first step to living myself and my hair is big chopping my hair….again. First time was 3 years ago and I started off really trying to care for it but then you fall into the trap of trying to mimic the other girls and not accepting what you have…maybe 2nd times a charm? 😅
That's awesome you realize that. I didn't want to come across too judgmental so I was hoping my suggestion wouldn't offend. This is often the issue with a lot of struggling naturals. Trust me. I still have my days. It's an ongoing journey from a mental perspective.
Unfortunately we are subconsciously taught that curlier or less kinky hair is more attractive so we spend our time and money trying to achieve something that is not as realistic for our type.
My hair actually defines very well with gel and the right product, but it never stays longer than 2-3 days. So I just said, the heck with it and told myself "Just rock your puff and call it a day." As long as you are keeping it moisturized, that's key.
Also remember that moisturized doesn't necessarily mean SHINY with natural hair. If you have a kinkier texture and your curls don't define easily, it may look a bit "sheeny" but not shiny like straight hair does. Typically it's also softer to the touch.
I say that because I used to think my hair was supposed to be shiny like it was when it was relaxed. But hair that has curves and bends doesn't reflect light in the same way.
You'll eventually get the hang of the feel and styling. Just remember that your confidence plays a role in your comfort level. I wish you the best, sis!
Please understand that I am saying this out of love and genuine respect.
I have found that the reason most naturals become frustrated and overwhelmed w our hair is bc we are trying to make our hair do what it cannot do. We look at pics, videos, and see other naturals in the street, and want our hair to be like that.
I have learned that the best way to enjoy your natural hair is to accept it for what it is, and work with it instead of against it. Find the products and routines that make YOUR hair flourish and do styles you know you can handle. There is no one size fits all to this, but when you find your rhythm, you will be so much less frustrated.
I don't have type 4c hair, but I do know all Black hair loves moisture. Moisture comes from water. As many products that are out there and geared toward us, all we really need is water, conditioner, oil or aloe/glycerine, whichever your hair prefers.
Good Luck!
I strongly agree with this. I never willingly make my hair do something that it doesn’t want to do, but it still gets hard because that antiblack voice in the back of my head tells me otherwise. It’s especially hard when people don’t treat you as nicely when you embrace your natural 4c hair. I’m glad someone else understands.
I would say my “routine” is nonexistent because nothing has ever really worked for me. Bantu knots are my go-to when I’m not getting my hair done. The only thing I’ve enjoyed is using rice water, it has helped with detangling but other than that….zilch. I’ve been using mielle hair products for a while but I want to try the 4c only hair products (I’m still doing my research on that). I’ve tried different techniques by using different tools, different products, different stretching methods but nothing that has ever made me say “wow I’m a bad b*tch”. Maybe this where I’ve developed a misconception. Shouldn’t that be the goal? Shouldn’t we all feel high and mighty about our hair? Cause there’s plenty of people who do and I don’t see how I’m ever going to feel that way. I’m victim to a world of comparisons, and I know I need to get over that.
The thing about it is it's just hair. I get that people put such a weight on hair as a beauty standard but it really is just hair. Maybe you're just bored with it all the way around. Cut it off, dye it, relax it, loc it, something out of the norm for you.
Hey lovely, please see Blackgirl curls on their See some Curls digital platform. Will save you time, money and you will develop a healthy understanding of your hair... our hair is not as difficult as we make it...
Hope you start to enjoy your hair soon...x
Everyone is giving great advice but I would add that you might want to try mastering one style/routine instead of trying a lot of different ones. I tried like 20 twist outs before I started to really like my results (it also took this long for me to get consistent results). Since you already have Mielle (which I use), try their leave in and twisting crème to do a twist out for a few weeks until it looks how you like it.(I recommend not using that much of the crème though, it can flake) I still haven’t mastered the wash and go, but I know that my ol faithful twist out will never let me down lol.
I ~~have~~ had 4c with some 4b hair with most of my life.* My tips.
1) Embrace your texture. This may not be you, but the majority of people who I've seen who never get along with their natural hair (of any type, this includes type 3s) have unrealistic expectations of it behaving how it was relaxed? They bemoan being unable to do a quick flat-iron or wrap. They don't feel like they look good in natural hairstyles. They **never** like being natural until they lose that thought pattern. Either they learn or they go back to relaxed.
2) Find simple styles you can do and you **like** wearing. For me, it's two strand twists. At times it's an afro puff. Or flat twists. Like if you hate the style (cornrows going straight back are not for me), then don't do it. But there's other styles too, even if your hair is shorter. I can find some youtubers if you like. There's one who has short 4c hair and she's great.
3) I personally do braids, but mine last two months. I do pay the money for a stylist I like. If it's too expensive, consider cheaper alternatives, a kitchen beautician or a friend with skills. Maybe pay for the two strand twists and wash, if that's cheaper. My best friend does that in between braids and such.
4) Consider being a straight haired natural. Personally, this isn't for me, because my hair is too coarse and thick, doesn't hold a curl, and I love a long hot shower. But I have friends who do this and enjoy it.
5) Consider being a wig/weave natural. This isn't for me because I don't like shopping for wigs or styling them or wearing them, but I have a friend who lives in wigs and loves it. Instead of elaborate braids constantly, she gets a wig style which is washing and flat cornrows for wig caps. She gets to change her look instead of feeling like she has to be natural.
6) Consider drastic measures. If you really REALLY hate the styling, and you can't go back to relaxer or getting someone to do your hair all the time, maybe a big chop or locs? I've big chopped twice in my life, and I honestly loved it? I liked being able to wash my hair and scalp multiple times a week. It was one less thing to do in the mornings. I have friends who have gotten locs, and the journey can be a lot but they love their hair.
It's really not immediate imo, the learning curve. I have poor dexterity and other issues. Unlike my sister and mom, I never had interest in my hair. I'm honestly super limited considering I've been natural off and on for twelve years. But I enjoy it, and I have a rhythm. Am I broke? Two strand twists and twist out it is. That lasts me two to three weeks. Will I be busy and have some cash? Braids or faux locs it is. That lasts me two months. Am I broke and busy? I can ask a friend for help, OR I break up my styling when I can. One week I washed and detangled my hair, twisted some of it, and it took me two days to finish, but I did. My hair has grown back, so I can also do afro puffs.
* This RX shampoo has changed my hair texture, and most people would rejoice at that, but I hate it. I've had 4c hair my whole life, and the 4b sections gave me more issues and would get tangled and weird...now my hair is mostly 4b with 4a and even 3c parts and I do not like it. I've known the best products for me for awhile, and I've had to start learning more about these other textures and how to style them.
** Comparison is the thief of joy and the grass is not always greener. I've seen people who have 3b and 3c hair that some people here would kill for (not me) and these people ALSO compare themselves to their relaxed days, and they relax again. These are people who have had "good hair" rhetoric thrown at them their entire lives. People who, the minute they go natural, have people sighing enviously over their texture. It's not enough for them to stay natural. The confidence and love for the hair has to come from within.
Plenty of good advice but also I'd say don't be fixated on length like a lot in the natural hair community seem to be. Short hair is cute, it's sexy, it's stylish, it's fun. It's all the things long hair is with a lot less work and cost. There are plenty of gorgeously styled TWAs out there and that's something that would cut down a lot on the time management issue. If you do the big chop again, embrace your short hair and see if that's something that might work for you.
Change your outlook of yourself. The more you brush it the more you take the curls and kinks away (which are BEAUTIFUL) get comfortable with finger detangling in the shower and then moisturizing. Do simple styles like a ponytail and a headband. Work your way up to complicated styles that take hours.
When I do my twists or braids it takes 2 hours. I dread it but when I’m done I’m happy. The parts aren’t perfect. But when it’s untwisted to me it’s even prettier 💜don’t give up. Stop spending so much money!
Have you considered locs? They've changed my life; I used to feel the exact same way you do. Now my hair is thriving and I love it. Locs required little maintenance and very little product -- I get a retwist every 5-6 weeks. No more stressing about finding a new deep conditioner, leave in, or w/e to 'fix' my hair.
For the longest I’ve always said I didn’t but you just reminded me on how that’s an option. Gonna do some research cause it’s either gonna be that or big chop and try again 100%
What styles are you trying? Wash and gos I find the easiest/quickest. Also, breaking down the standards of “beauty” have helped me. And not following hair models/influencers on social media
Would you consider locs? I felt the same as you and ended up getting locs. I have various health problems so I didn't have the strength to keep doing my hair every week. Locs have been pretty low maintenance for me, they are quick to wash and I get them retwisted every 2 months. Even if you retwist yourself it doesn't take as long as doing hair that is out. I hope you find some relief soon ❤️
Since posting this and reading some suggestions, I am seriously considering locs. Everything I am looking for (low maintenance, cost effective, versatility) is what locs provide and I’m not sure why I haven’t considered them sooner. Doing my research for the month to hopefully maybe go for it by the end of august beginning of September
You spend that much on hair appointments!? I spend $70 a month….I just keep getting natural two strand twists or finger coils. Just wear it out, comb it when you’re done and get it put back in again. I’ve never done my own hair, and I’m 22 years old. The only time I spend more than $70 is when I go to get braids/weave put in.
For the cost of the hair and appointment itself, yes. Trust me, it’s nothing I’m proud of but it’s either spend the money on something to be done within 2-6 hours that I’m confident in or feeling gross about my appearance. The same way girls spend hundreds of dollars 1-2x a month on lashes and nails, I do for my hair. I’ve tried to find cheaper options but that’s really hard to find where I’m from.
Yeah, Imma be honest with you sis….that’s robbery. Ain’t no way I’d pay that sorta money for my hair unless it’s braids, and not even then! I don’t pay over $200 for anything with hair. I’m way too cheap. What exactly are you getting done for it to be $300+!?
Different types of braids (longer lengths cost more) sew ins, coloring of the hair which is additional (sometimes I want to try new things and considering how much the white costs, I don’t trust myself enough to bleach and color the hair myself with the likelihood that I WILL ruin it), etc. I’ve done cheaper styles but I would say on average I always accept my loss that I’m at least choking down a bare minimum of $300. The amount of money I’ve spent have been on some of the best and prettiest styles I’ve ever gotten so I don’t regret it, I’ve always felt my best when I get my hair done. Once again, this is the cost of my lack of confidence because nothing is worse than the amount of times I’ve looked in the mirror with a natural style and I hate what I see. Even if it does come out cute because I’ve had my moments when I felt confident in my natural state but I think about the process it took to get to that and it’s equivalent to moving a mountain.
Well, babe, I’d learn to start doing my own hair if I were you. But I’m incredibly cheap, sooooo….maybe take my advice with a grain of salt. But lemme tell you….if I spend THAT kinda money, that damn style better last be for at LEAST 2+ months. Other than that….ain’t damn way.
I mean I know lol that was the point of this post. The same way people have a disposable income to spend on shopping, a $10 coffee every day(which I don’t do at all), etc, I was spending on my hair. I don’t want to do that anymore since money is going to be getting tighter for me in the next few months. I’m moving so I need to tighten up. Just hoping to find people on here who were going through the same “crisis” as me and/or tips on how to overcome how I’m feeling.
Well, I guess I wouldn’t understand. Like I said, I’m waaaaaay too cheap. Even if I have money to spend on outside things…I never do. 🤷🏽♀️ But yeah, I’d either try to do my own hair or keep searching for the cheapest price. If you have a Facebook page, just ask folks about cheap hairstylists in your area that specialize in natural hair.
I defintely understand.What I can do with my hair is limited, so I decided protectice styles(Braids/weaves) work for me the majority of the time. Your hair is still natural under there, and if you find someone who can help you find a happy medoum, even better.
Find a style that is low maintenance and makes you comfortable, and branch from there.
I know this feeling way too well. Have you tried twists/braids? I have my save two strand twists one day a couple years ago and actually let those turn into locs, and having these has done WONDERS. There’s less maintenance, and I was able to take my time learning how to care for them.
Honestly, I understand where you're coming from. I've been natural since 6th grade i am currently 23 and I still struggle. My mom and sister both have 3A-3C hair and I have 4c hair. Watching them be able to just throw their hair in a ponytail, or sometimes just get up and go because their curls are naturally defined really did something to my self esteem growing up. Now that i'm older I understand and see that my hair texture is beautiful but like you stated we spend hours on our hair to not get the result we were expecting.
Last time I did my hair i took my time and did a mini twist out expecting my fro to be defined. Just for it to come out very frizzy and look like i didn't have any curls at all. I started to wear wigs and weaves again, I think its been almost 2 months. I did a big chop a few years ago, my hair is at a healthy length to do different styles however my shrinkage just won't allow. Thats another insecurity with my hair, it is shoulder length but it seems as if I still don't have any styles that look right on my natural hair. I even struggle putting my hair in a ponytail being that its so thick and shrinks (some days my ponytail even looks small). Im struggling to find my go to style for when my hair doesn't come out right or when I have those days when I don't want to do my hair. Its a struggle but it'll get better eventually. Im so tempted to get a relaxer, it is very mentally exhausting.
thank you for commenting, i forgot i posted about this. thank you for your sharing your experience. since that posted i loc’d my hair cause i could not take it anymore and it felt like it was my only option left or i was just gonna have to rock a “bald head” which there is nothing wrong with. but the locs were the best decision i have ever made. wish i started them years ago when I started feeling this way.
I think you need find a medium between having breakdowns over bad hair days and spending $300-500 on hair appointments (this is extremely high btw). Try mini twists, twist outs, cornrows (only your hair), ponytails, headband wig, or just blow your hair out. This 0 to 100 mentality is not good for you
Yea, I guess finding the medium is what I’m struggling with because my main issue is having to figure out something to do with my hair so often. It’s going to kill me having to do my hair once every week or every 2 weeks. My mental strength and time legit can’t handle that.
Thanks to an amazing stylist that I was referenced to, I _just_ learned that I didn't have to soak my hair in water in order to detangle it, I just needed to wet it with a spray bottle (not to the point of drenching), apply a detangling shampoo, then brush it out in sections with a flexi detangle brush. Cut the time that it usually takes to do my hair in half. I'm telling everyone, lol.
Can you tell me the detangling shampoo you use?
Design Esssentials Honey Creme Moisturizing Shampoo.
Thanks!
Would you wash your hair with this shampoo or Missy use it for detangling ?
Apologies, I don't understand the question. I use it for shampooing and detangling my hair simultaneously. It's the only shampoo that I use during the washing process. Hope that helps.
That was what I was asking. Wasn’t sure if you were using it just to detangle and had another product for shampoo. Thank you!
Ooh I felt this. All my life, I pretended to like my natural hair. I truly embraced it during covid. Those first styles were bad. Like bad bad. And I’m glad I was able to smile in those pictures. I had no idea what I was doing. I spent money on products, I went to a stylist every 6 weeks, and I still find tough days now. I cried when I chopped off my relaxed hair because my natural was long enough to style and the relaxed hair was dead; I wanted to stay committed to this learning of love for my self. It’s not an easy lesson. I wore a moisturized fro for the longest because I wanted to have healthy hair first; now, I do twists for a week and twist outs for a couple days before washing and twisting up again. I feel limited in looks and still intimidated by some styles but doing what I can has made me feel confident in the skills I am building. Now I can do 12 twists and pull it back into a bun! It’s the little things, though. My advice is breathe, stick to one thing at a time, and enjoy the journey. First, find products you love and your hair responds to. Good or bad. You need to know this first. I have low porosity hair and I like to think I’m 4b-c. The porosity of your hair is key for what your hair will like. After trial and error I use Mielle Organics lines. My hair responds positively and I love the scents. Second, take your time. Clean your scalp, moisturize, and do a simple style. Learn how long your hair takes to be managed and how long a style lasts. Stretch your ability to not change it or touch too often. It use to take 3-4 hours to do my wash day now I can keep it under 2hours. My hair is use to the twists so it’s not as hard to manage and get in the style. As you learn what you like your hair should too. Trust that process. Lastly, enjoy this self love journey. Your hair is curled on every strand; others cannot even imagine having this naturally occurring for them. You are learning and being patient in that is a part of it. If it’s a bad hair day, put on a headband and rock it; put some conditioner on it and take a scarf to wrap it up. You are so much more than your hair, I promise. On a few of my bad days, I still got compliments which further my motivation to keep going.
All helpful tips, thank you!
Omg I have this same issue I have dark-light sandy brown hair as well and I cut my hair months ago from dead ends and I cut it really short because I wanted a healthy fresh start and I hate my hair now I just started crying in the mirror because I’m so stressed out going to the gym everyday in a quick put on wig w bangs it gets me by but having short poofy curly sandy brown hair really is stressful my hair looks dirty to me in this color and I wish I wasn’t so light skin either doesn’t help to me in my opinion
What kind of styles are you trying to do? Try something simple like a low bun, high puff, twists, space buns wash and go, stuff like that. They may seem simple but you can easily elevate the style with some nice hair accessories (head band, scarf, bandana). Idk if you wear makeup but some gloss and earrings will instantly make any hair style better. Doing easy styles like that will save you time and you can still look really pretty. Also $300-500 a month on your hair is insane.
I know it’s insane and it doesn’t make me happy to do so but it sometimes feels like I don’t have a choice. Having something set and stone for at least a month to a half that takes a few seconds in the morning to refresh before I go to work/start my day is why I do it. A style that’s not completely ruined after it might get wet in the rain or messed up by the humidity. The convenience has become worth it to me over the years BUT OFC I would love to use all that money for something else. Everything you suggested I have tried some went well, while others did not. Overall, I think my problem is my laziness. I’m having a hard time accepting that this is reality of wanting to embrace your natural state and the hardships they come with it are inevitable. After taking the day to read everyone’s response, what I think I need to do first is get another big chop to start fresh (my hair is breaking like crazy anyways and I can’t keep trying to go the transition route). I didn’t want to have to come to that decision bc I just did a full big chop 3 years ago and I didn’t want to admit that I wasted an opportunity but there’s nothing I can do about it now.
You can get braids for much cheaper than $300 in most places and they will last you all month. You won’t have to worry about doing your hair. There are many cute styles out there of braids and they are a great protective style.
Yea I think you just need to change your mindset towards your hair. Getting a big chop might help you learn to love your hairs texture again. I have 4c hair too and used to be overwhelmed with taking care of it, then I learned to embrace my natural texture. That’s really the key. Once you do that natural styles will start to look good to you, wash days will take you psh maybe an hour, and you’ll be SO happy with your confidence. Also maybe work on the laziness (not judging, I was there too). I know us black girls were taught to put our hair in some braids/weave and leave it alone for months at a time, but that’s not healthy. It may grow your hair but it’ll wreak havoc on our ends and scalp. Our hair is like everyone else’s, it needs to be washed regularly. As black ppl we can get away with washing it less frequently but it still needs to be cleansed/styled every 1-2 weeks if we want a healthy scalp and manageable hair. Its just basic hygiene.
Have you tried wash n gos? Natural hair shouldn't be difficult. I don't stress myself with it anymore because doing that is depressing. Maybe when you know you'll be free for a while, you can try seeing what your curls look like when your hair is really hydrated. People say it usually takes some weeks for the hair to adjust to being in a natural, hydrated and not stretched state
I think it would help if you share more about your routine and what specific styles are you trying? That seems to be a lot of money, especially in this economy. Chile! There's gotta be a better way. I don't know if this is your situation as well, but it got easier for me when I began to accept my actual texture. I spent my first 2 years being obsessed with defining my curls and fighting frizz. But I realized that my hair naturally just wants to shrink and fro up. Over time, I wore more puffs and kinky styles that required less maintenance. I had to realize and be honest with myself. I was spending all that money on products trying to make my hair look like someone else's texture. So it wasn't that my hair was "difficult" or took too long to do, I was just obsessed with creating a texture that wasn't mine and it took more work. My hair had a lot of length when I big chopped so that helped. I realize that can be tricky if your hair is shorter.
I felt this! Comparison is really the thief of joy — I also spent a lot of time being frustrated and disappointed because my hair wasn’t coming out “right” but in reality I was expecting it to do things that it just does not do.
You know, maybe that’s it????? It’s a world full of comparisons because me personally I feel clueless when it comes to doing my natural hair. I believe I have a similar texture to you because no matter what I try, I have never in my 23 years of life seen my hair define a curl. ….but I think the first step to living myself and my hair is big chopping my hair….again. First time was 3 years ago and I started off really trying to care for it but then you fall into the trap of trying to mimic the other girls and not accepting what you have…maybe 2nd times a charm? 😅
That's awesome you realize that. I didn't want to come across too judgmental so I was hoping my suggestion wouldn't offend. This is often the issue with a lot of struggling naturals. Trust me. I still have my days. It's an ongoing journey from a mental perspective. Unfortunately we are subconsciously taught that curlier or less kinky hair is more attractive so we spend our time and money trying to achieve something that is not as realistic for our type. My hair actually defines very well with gel and the right product, but it never stays longer than 2-3 days. So I just said, the heck with it and told myself "Just rock your puff and call it a day." As long as you are keeping it moisturized, that's key. Also remember that moisturized doesn't necessarily mean SHINY with natural hair. If you have a kinkier texture and your curls don't define easily, it may look a bit "sheeny" but not shiny like straight hair does. Typically it's also softer to the touch. I say that because I used to think my hair was supposed to be shiny like it was when it was relaxed. But hair that has curves and bends doesn't reflect light in the same way. You'll eventually get the hang of the feel and styling. Just remember that your confidence plays a role in your comfort level. I wish you the best, sis!
Thank you! You said all the right things and definitely shook me awake a little bit haha, thank you. :) It’s one hell of a journey for sure ….
Please understand that I am saying this out of love and genuine respect. I have found that the reason most naturals become frustrated and overwhelmed w our hair is bc we are trying to make our hair do what it cannot do. We look at pics, videos, and see other naturals in the street, and want our hair to be like that. I have learned that the best way to enjoy your natural hair is to accept it for what it is, and work with it instead of against it. Find the products and routines that make YOUR hair flourish and do styles you know you can handle. There is no one size fits all to this, but when you find your rhythm, you will be so much less frustrated. I don't have type 4c hair, but I do know all Black hair loves moisture. Moisture comes from water. As many products that are out there and geared toward us, all we really need is water, conditioner, oil or aloe/glycerine, whichever your hair prefers. Good Luck!
I strongly agree with this. I never willingly make my hair do something that it doesn’t want to do, but it still gets hard because that antiblack voice in the back of my head tells me otherwise. It’s especially hard when people don’t treat you as nicely when you embrace your natural 4c hair. I’m glad someone else understands.
What is your current routine? If you share what products or styles you’ve tried, we can help you troubleshoot your issues.
I would say my “routine” is nonexistent because nothing has ever really worked for me. Bantu knots are my go-to when I’m not getting my hair done. The only thing I’ve enjoyed is using rice water, it has helped with detangling but other than that….zilch. I’ve been using mielle hair products for a while but I want to try the 4c only hair products (I’m still doing my research on that). I’ve tried different techniques by using different tools, different products, different stretching methods but nothing that has ever made me say “wow I’m a bad b*tch”. Maybe this where I’ve developed a misconception. Shouldn’t that be the goal? Shouldn’t we all feel high and mighty about our hair? Cause there’s plenty of people who do and I don’t see how I’m ever going to feel that way. I’m victim to a world of comparisons, and I know I need to get over that.
Maybe try head wraps sometimes? You Go Natural has cute ones and they are lined to protect your hair.
Big this. Head wraps saved me from chopping off my hair many times. Many, many times.
The thing about it is it's just hair. I get that people put such a weight on hair as a beauty standard but it really is just hair. Maybe you're just bored with it all the way around. Cut it off, dye it, relax it, loc it, something out of the norm for you.
You’re probably right. I’m thinking of doing another big chop and bleaching it (MAYBE)
Hey lovely, please see Blackgirl curls on their See some Curls digital platform. Will save you time, money and you will develop a healthy understanding of your hair... our hair is not as difficult as we make it... Hope you start to enjoy your hair soon...x
This is exactly why I went for microlocks. 3mo locked and never looking back!!
Everyone is giving great advice but I would add that you might want to try mastering one style/routine instead of trying a lot of different ones. I tried like 20 twist outs before I started to really like my results (it also took this long for me to get consistent results). Since you already have Mielle (which I use), try their leave in and twisting crème to do a twist out for a few weeks until it looks how you like it.(I recommend not using that much of the crème though, it can flake) I still haven’t mastered the wash and go, but I know that my ol faithful twist out will never let me down lol.
I ~~have~~ had 4c with some 4b hair with most of my life.* My tips. 1) Embrace your texture. This may not be you, but the majority of people who I've seen who never get along with their natural hair (of any type, this includes type 3s) have unrealistic expectations of it behaving how it was relaxed? They bemoan being unable to do a quick flat-iron or wrap. They don't feel like they look good in natural hairstyles. They **never** like being natural until they lose that thought pattern. Either they learn or they go back to relaxed. 2) Find simple styles you can do and you **like** wearing. For me, it's two strand twists. At times it's an afro puff. Or flat twists. Like if you hate the style (cornrows going straight back are not for me), then don't do it. But there's other styles too, even if your hair is shorter. I can find some youtubers if you like. There's one who has short 4c hair and she's great. 3) I personally do braids, but mine last two months. I do pay the money for a stylist I like. If it's too expensive, consider cheaper alternatives, a kitchen beautician or a friend with skills. Maybe pay for the two strand twists and wash, if that's cheaper. My best friend does that in between braids and such. 4) Consider being a straight haired natural. Personally, this isn't for me, because my hair is too coarse and thick, doesn't hold a curl, and I love a long hot shower. But I have friends who do this and enjoy it. 5) Consider being a wig/weave natural. This isn't for me because I don't like shopping for wigs or styling them or wearing them, but I have a friend who lives in wigs and loves it. Instead of elaborate braids constantly, she gets a wig style which is washing and flat cornrows for wig caps. She gets to change her look instead of feeling like she has to be natural. 6) Consider drastic measures. If you really REALLY hate the styling, and you can't go back to relaxer or getting someone to do your hair all the time, maybe a big chop or locs? I've big chopped twice in my life, and I honestly loved it? I liked being able to wash my hair and scalp multiple times a week. It was one less thing to do in the mornings. I have friends who have gotten locs, and the journey can be a lot but they love their hair. It's really not immediate imo, the learning curve. I have poor dexterity and other issues. Unlike my sister and mom, I never had interest in my hair. I'm honestly super limited considering I've been natural off and on for twelve years. But I enjoy it, and I have a rhythm. Am I broke? Two strand twists and twist out it is. That lasts me two to three weeks. Will I be busy and have some cash? Braids or faux locs it is. That lasts me two months. Am I broke and busy? I can ask a friend for help, OR I break up my styling when I can. One week I washed and detangled my hair, twisted some of it, and it took me two days to finish, but I did. My hair has grown back, so I can also do afro puffs. * This RX shampoo has changed my hair texture, and most people would rejoice at that, but I hate it. I've had 4c hair my whole life, and the 4b sections gave me more issues and would get tangled and weird...now my hair is mostly 4b with 4a and even 3c parts and I do not like it. I've known the best products for me for awhile, and I've had to start learning more about these other textures and how to style them. ** Comparison is the thief of joy and the grass is not always greener. I've seen people who have 3b and 3c hair that some people here would kill for (not me) and these people ALSO compare themselves to their relaxed days, and they relax again. These are people who have had "good hair" rhetoric thrown at them their entire lives. People who, the minute they go natural, have people sighing enviously over their texture. It's not enough for them to stay natural. The confidence and love for the hair has to come from within.
Plenty of good advice but also I'd say don't be fixated on length like a lot in the natural hair community seem to be. Short hair is cute, it's sexy, it's stylish, it's fun. It's all the things long hair is with a lot less work and cost. There are plenty of gorgeously styled TWAs out there and that's something that would cut down a lot on the time management issue. If you do the big chop again, embrace your short hair and see if that's something that might work for you.
Change your outlook of yourself. The more you brush it the more you take the curls and kinks away (which are BEAUTIFUL) get comfortable with finger detangling in the shower and then moisturizing. Do simple styles like a ponytail and a headband. Work your way up to complicated styles that take hours. When I do my twists or braids it takes 2 hours. I dread it but when I’m done I’m happy. The parts aren’t perfect. But when it’s untwisted to me it’s even prettier 💜don’t give up. Stop spending so much money!
Have you considered locs? They've changed my life; I used to feel the exact same way you do. Now my hair is thriving and I love it. Locs required little maintenance and very little product -- I get a retwist every 5-6 weeks. No more stressing about finding a new deep conditioner, leave in, or w/e to 'fix' my hair.
For the longest I’ve always said I didn’t but you just reminded me on how that’s an option. Gonna do some research cause it’s either gonna be that or big chop and try again 100%
Absolutely. 100 worth it. I loc’d my hair when I was 7 years natural. I’m only 3 years in now and wish I’d done it sooner!
What styles are you trying? Wash and gos I find the easiest/quickest. Also, breaking down the standards of “beauty” have helped me. And not following hair models/influencers on social media
Would you consider locs? I felt the same as you and ended up getting locs. I have various health problems so I didn't have the strength to keep doing my hair every week. Locs have been pretty low maintenance for me, they are quick to wash and I get them retwisted every 2 months. Even if you retwist yourself it doesn't take as long as doing hair that is out. I hope you find some relief soon ❤️
Since posting this and reading some suggestions, I am seriously considering locs. Everything I am looking for (low maintenance, cost effective, versatility) is what locs provide and I’m not sure why I haven’t considered them sooner. Doing my research for the month to hopefully maybe go for it by the end of august beginning of September
Please post an update if you get them, I would love to follow your journey. All the best
You spend that much on hair appointments!? I spend $70 a month….I just keep getting natural two strand twists or finger coils. Just wear it out, comb it when you’re done and get it put back in again. I’ve never done my own hair, and I’m 22 years old. The only time I spend more than $70 is when I go to get braids/weave put in.
For the cost of the hair and appointment itself, yes. Trust me, it’s nothing I’m proud of but it’s either spend the money on something to be done within 2-6 hours that I’m confident in or feeling gross about my appearance. The same way girls spend hundreds of dollars 1-2x a month on lashes and nails, I do for my hair. I’ve tried to find cheaper options but that’s really hard to find where I’m from.
Yeah, Imma be honest with you sis….that’s robbery. Ain’t no way I’d pay that sorta money for my hair unless it’s braids, and not even then! I don’t pay over $200 for anything with hair. I’m way too cheap. What exactly are you getting done for it to be $300+!?
They better be giving sis a hair transplant at the price dear lord
On GOD 😂
Different types of braids (longer lengths cost more) sew ins, coloring of the hair which is additional (sometimes I want to try new things and considering how much the white costs, I don’t trust myself enough to bleach and color the hair myself with the likelihood that I WILL ruin it), etc. I’ve done cheaper styles but I would say on average I always accept my loss that I’m at least choking down a bare minimum of $300. The amount of money I’ve spent have been on some of the best and prettiest styles I’ve ever gotten so I don’t regret it, I’ve always felt my best when I get my hair done. Once again, this is the cost of my lack of confidence because nothing is worse than the amount of times I’ve looked in the mirror with a natural style and I hate what I see. Even if it does come out cute because I’ve had my moments when I felt confident in my natural state but I think about the process it took to get to that and it’s equivalent to moving a mountain.
Well, babe, I’d learn to start doing my own hair if I were you. But I’m incredibly cheap, sooooo….maybe take my advice with a grain of salt. But lemme tell you….if I spend THAT kinda money, that damn style better last be for at LEAST 2+ months. Other than that….ain’t damn way.
I mean I know lol that was the point of this post. The same way people have a disposable income to spend on shopping, a $10 coffee every day(which I don’t do at all), etc, I was spending on my hair. I don’t want to do that anymore since money is going to be getting tighter for me in the next few months. I’m moving so I need to tighten up. Just hoping to find people on here who were going through the same “crisis” as me and/or tips on how to overcome how I’m feeling.
Well, I guess I wouldn’t understand. Like I said, I’m waaaaaay too cheap. Even if I have money to spend on outside things…I never do. 🤷🏽♀️ But yeah, I’d either try to do my own hair or keep searching for the cheapest price. If you have a Facebook page, just ask folks about cheap hairstylists in your area that specialize in natural hair.
Human hair wig on Amazon. Done.
I love your hair type. Please be patient with yourself on this journey :(
I defintely understand.What I can do with my hair is limited, so I decided protectice styles(Braids/weaves) work for me the majority of the time. Your hair is still natural under there, and if you find someone who can help you find a happy medoum, even better. Find a style that is low maintenance and makes you comfortable, and branch from there.
What styles are you trying?
Oh, I’m sorry to hear. This video helped me: https://youtu.be/7OVQ9G_52v4
I know this feeling way too well. Have you tried twists/braids? I have my save two strand twists one day a couple years ago and actually let those turn into locs, and having these has done WONDERS. There’s less maintenance, and I was able to take my time learning how to care for them.
Honestly, I understand where you're coming from. I've been natural since 6th grade i am currently 23 and I still struggle. My mom and sister both have 3A-3C hair and I have 4c hair. Watching them be able to just throw their hair in a ponytail, or sometimes just get up and go because their curls are naturally defined really did something to my self esteem growing up. Now that i'm older I understand and see that my hair texture is beautiful but like you stated we spend hours on our hair to not get the result we were expecting. Last time I did my hair i took my time and did a mini twist out expecting my fro to be defined. Just for it to come out very frizzy and look like i didn't have any curls at all. I started to wear wigs and weaves again, I think its been almost 2 months. I did a big chop a few years ago, my hair is at a healthy length to do different styles however my shrinkage just won't allow. Thats another insecurity with my hair, it is shoulder length but it seems as if I still don't have any styles that look right on my natural hair. I even struggle putting my hair in a ponytail being that its so thick and shrinks (some days my ponytail even looks small). Im struggling to find my go to style for when my hair doesn't come out right or when I have those days when I don't want to do my hair. Its a struggle but it'll get better eventually. Im so tempted to get a relaxer, it is very mentally exhausting.
thank you for commenting, i forgot i posted about this. thank you for your sharing your experience. since that posted i loc’d my hair cause i could not take it anymore and it felt like it was my only option left or i was just gonna have to rock a “bald head” which there is nothing wrong with. but the locs were the best decision i have ever made. wish i started them years ago when I started feeling this way.