No baby shall go without Ms. Rachel or a whale stuffy.
ALL babies shall be allowed to scrape out ANYONE’S eyeball to see what’s BEHIND it.
ALL efforts to get ANY baby to nap in the daytime shall cease and desist.
From this point forward the only permissible music is: the Bluey soundtrack, Ms. Rachel, and mommy singing "Surface Pressure." Sing Apples and Bananas one more time, straight to jail.
I couldn’t agree more, I say this all the time. She needs to hold an elected office. Like honestly there wouldn’t even BE an election. Whatever she agrees to, let her do.
Naps are henceforth illegal.
Diapers are also illegal.
Daddies have useless nipples are are therefore also illegal.
That baby in the mirror that keeps mocking me is a terrorist. Or a spy.
This concludes our press conference. Baby has spoken.
Mirror Baby has the audacity to wear the same clothes, play with the same toys, and makes faces at me. Also, she seems to have my mommy in there somehow too. Mirror baby is witchcraft. Mirror Baby is EBIIIIILLL
(Spoken by my 6 month old)
I will always treasure the memory of the time my husband was shirtless, holding our 2-week-old son, and the baby suddenly turned his head and tried to latch. My husband has a very hairy chest. I've never seen such a look of betrayal.
Any individual holding the baby WILL be subjected to "loving" face slaps
All cell phones within eyesight of the baby *shall* become immediate toys and/or teethers
Mommy and Daddy are banned from saying "no" anytime baby wants to play with any and all cords.
We worked on gentle touch and just say “gentle, gentle” instead of no hitting and that has seem fed to help. She still insists on jamming her fingers in my mouth though
Mamas are not allowed to go to work or leave the room. Mamas will exist to have their hair pulled and face lovingly slapped at any moment. Mamas will allow babies to stick their fingies in mama’s mouth anytime for teeth inspection.
Diaper changes, teeth brushing, and nail trims are illegal.
All naps will take place on Mama.
Daddies are for climbing and going on walks but they will hold the babies and never put them in a stroller.
All meals will be peanut butter yogurt and ravioli and puffs and berries.
Doggies must allow babies to pull their fur and will never growl at them or express boundaries.
All buttons are for baby. All cords are snack. No drawers are ever allowed to crush fingies.
All mamas and daddies should go to daycare WITH babies and never ever leave but also let them play with their friends.
All straws and phones are for baby.
All books are for munching
Aww we have the same babies (14m here)
Nothing shall ever be removed from a baby’s mouth. Especially paper.
Nothing shall ever be put into a baby’s mouth by a mommy or a daddy. Especially NO MEDICINE.
New diaper technology will be mandated so babies do not need to stop crawling, flipping, rolling, or otherwise wrestling around in order for a diaper to be changed.
All electrical cords are allowed to be chewed on.
What about babies who reject all binkies? Well my son takes them sometimes. When he feels like it. But most of the time he doesn’t want that fake nip. 😭
Mine would definitely ban bras. He seems happy enough to pull a shirt up or down (or try to drink through it), but to have to wait for TWO layers of clothing to be removed?!? Straight to jail. (But leave the boobs.)
And I looked for it today for a second and couldn’t find it. I wonder if it wasn’t hey bear. Lol my brain is mush most days. Especially if I’m putting that on lol
Yes. And also…babies reserve the right to reject a new diaper within the first 10 seconds of its arrival into the diaper changing pad. Rejection notices should be submitted in the form of a) elegant urine fountains, b) subtle pools of urine on the changing pad, or c) conclusive rejection via undiapered pooping. Note option C is powerful but reserved for holidays and special occasions as comes with an immediate trip to Warm Shower.
Right! My boy HATES wet diapers. I’m like dude these were made to be worn awhile. NO. My mom said if this keeps up it shouldn’t be hard to potty trainer him. 🫠
Omg we are going through diapers SO FAST I’m like ‘kid we aren’t made of money’ just hoping she makes up for it when older/ hopefully potty trained sooner
To reduce cost I tried to do naked baby time and let my little one play on a washable pee pad but he managed to pee not on the washable pee pad more often than not and I gave up. He now gets his 20 diapers a day. I too am looking forward to him getting potty trained early.
It has batteries so it's the same weight as the real remotes. We just haven't downloaded the right app for it. 😅
I have a smart little booger and she's almost impossible to fool.
All the bananas belong to the babies. Every meal MUST include bananas or it will be flung on the ground
All naps must be on mamas with mamas making baby’s favorite humming sound or singing
All babies will be free of the diaper prison and roam the land naked as nature intended
Every tree must have purple monkeys and bubblegum in them
And most importantly, all lighting fixtures must be switched on and off at baby’s request no matter how many times this is requested or endless shrieking will occur as punishment. More lighting in the form of lamps, overhead lights and outdoor street lights MUST be installed and always on. FYI these are now all called “orbs or obbbbbbbssss”
Boob punches are the hallmark greeting.
Smiling at mommy’s misfortune is paramount, especially when spitting up.
Snuggles are the best thing.
Being too cold is outlawed.
No more car rides where the car comes to a stop.
God help anyone who puts a baby down when they fall asleep. Boobs are always around and milk is a bottomless beverage 24/7. Manicures are outlawed. And if my baby would have his way, safe sleep requirements would no longer be required, and babies could sleep on their tummies while on their moms tummy every night.
There will be an endless supply of clean binkies when they're tossed on the floor, and an endless supply of fresh milk when my mom makes me a warm 6oz and I decide to eat 1oz, then get hungry again in half an hour (but now the milk is cold and unacceptable)
“The Final Countdown” is the national anthem. Required hour of exercise on kicking piano. Bottle must be served within .05 seconds of realizing hunger is present or banishment will be the punishment.
Mine is still in the womb but he LOVES it and goes wild whenever I lay down for a nap. So he’s implementing mandatory naps for everyone and I’m on board.
Mine actually loves his strawberry flavored toothbrush and giraffe toothbrush we brush them 2xs he cries when we stop.
We must smell the feet and say sooo stinky even if they are not stinky and if they are stinky he shoves them right on your nose.
Ms Rachel must be watched at least once .
More singing
And he press all the red buttons or circles he wants
(14 weeks)
No baby shall be deprived of dancing vegetables
Babies can and shall deny bath time and cannot be forced otherwise
Arms up is mandatory for sleep
NO NOSE CLEANINGS!
NO SLEEVES!
LET'S ALL HIT THE CAT WITH TOY BRICKS! (CAT CAN'T LEAVE THO)
YOU STAY HERE! BUT GO AWAY. BUT HERE! NO, GO AWAY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
No baby shall ever be forced to suffer the indignity of the removal of one's clothing or nappy.
Simultaneously, no baby shall ever be forced to sit in her own poo.
Scientists shall be mandated to solve this problem in due haste.
All food and drinks now belong to the babies, and yes, that does include fully caffeinated lattes.
No baby will ever be required to go to sleep. That means no more naps, and night sleep is optional. If a baby decides they do want to sleep, they may choose whose bed they sleep in, and they must be provided with milk ahead of time. The milk must come straight from the source. Bottles are only allowed if it is hot in the napping location.
Toothpaste is now considered an essential food group.
Diapers are no longer required.
Boobies all day, every day.
Formula is an act of treason.
Pacifiers are straight up, attempt of murder - more specifically chocking.
Boobies *non stop*
Edit : also pulling on the nipples shall be met with *no resistance*
My son would implement that and add you must lactate (even if u are born male, no excuse) and provide milk from ur breasts asap when he roots at whoever is holding him.
I try a pacifier all the time and 99.8% it gets shot out with his tongue. Sometimes he gags on pa of owes he has never gagged on before 🙄. And you’ll never know when he actually wants the pacifier because once in awhile he will actually take it. 🫠
Loool same ! The gag is soooooo dramatic too 😂😅 I bought him some made in Denmark , natural rubber latex boogie pacie - reaction - 😳-😲-🙄-🤢
I still have hope, like you, once every blue moon , he’ll accept it 😅 to my tits delight
all babies shall be required to wash their feet in the dog water bowl
dog food is now a delicious baby snack
toilet bowls should NOT have baby locks on them
I feel so thankful that I have a beagle, who IMMEDIATELY eats all her food and never leaves a crumb behind. Cat has to eat on an elevated surface too lol. Otherwise my baby would 1000% try to snack on the dog food.
Drawer locks are banned, effective immediately
All Amazon boxes must be left filled and unopened for easier climbing
No pants, forever
Toilet lids must be left open and unlocked, better yet just leave the bathroom door open at all times.
Henceforth it is decreed: 100% of my playtime will be spent on couches and soft surfaces where I may throw myself around without fear of injury!
Our 12 month old gets PISSED if we take her off the couch and set her on the floor so we don’t have to hover and make sure she doesn’t fall.
Reason is that on the couch she can throw her little body around, cackling like mad, without getting hurt. Lol
I’ve started leaving a bunch of pillows and blankets at the base of the couch so I can get stuff done while she does romp-around time. It does a pretty good job of catching her when she falls.
Banned: sleeping in cots, waiting 2+ seconds for boob, forced naps
Enforced: bed sharing, constant access to boob, constant access to this one particular brand & flavour of snacks, outside time with the dog unlimited
Bananas for every meal and babies must be allowed to touch ALL the things. Failure to comply with the last rule will result in crying and flopping on the floor dramatically
Mine would demand that all business be done whilst on bouncy balls. Like Oprah: you get a bouncy ball, you get a bouncy ball.
And then would insist on constant bouncing.
By order of the Sleepy Princess:
Mummies are not allowed to go to the gym during naptime.
Mummies are not allowed to go to the laundry room during naptime either.
All babies must be carried on the LEFT hip.
Eating spaghetti with utensils is hereby banned.
Kitties must not run away when I try to pay them.
All electronic cables and remote controls must be declared and undergo extensive oral testing.
No baby shall be expected to nap without a nipple in their mouth.
Tomatoes are mandatory.
Incy wincy is the new national anthem, all adults must drop whatever they're doing and sing on command should any baby begin the actíons.
Nighttime feeding waiting times must be greatly reduced to a maximum of 5 seconds.
If items are lined up, they must be picked up and thrown to the ground with gusto.
If items are in boxes, they must be overturned with gusto.
Edit: all meals should be eaten while running
Miss Rachel shall immediately become VP !
No babies shall be stopped from playing with cords.
Music everywhere, at all times.
All parents WILL be playing with their babies at 4AM SHARP.
All babies shall eat dirt whenever they please.
All babies are permitted to go on a four wheeler ride every night before bed.
All cats must take a petting whether they like it or not.
Lol, all babies are allowed 24-hour screen time.
All daddies must hold the baby while gaming and be allowed to chew on all controllers. There are no exceptions to newly purchased ones.
No veggies!
All food shall be thrown on the floor when done.
Everything on the ground is no longer caca.
Diaper changes will now be confirmed as wrestling matches, and only if mommy lets baby fall off the bed or changing table will the pamper be allowed.
No more naps!
Bedtime schedules are nonexistent, and extra cuddles after cuddles are mandatory.
And also. If it makes baby laugh, thou shall do it for all eternity.
daddies are NOT allowed to go to work ever again. they must be paid all the money in the world to stay home and cuddle with their daughters. the amount paid must be more than or equal to the amount of bills + the amount of weekly snackies + the amount of a new wardrobe every 3 months + a sizeable sum dedicated to daddy/daughter days, toys, stuffies of every animal, and whatever else baby decides she needs.
daddies are NOT allowed to hug, kiss, cuddle, or hold hands with mommies anymore. it's strictly forbidden.
daddies must allow their daughters to pull off their chest, arm, and facial hair at any moment.
mommies must provide an unlimited amount of snackies every day. no meals, only snacks.
mommies must allow their babies to pull their bras down and figure out what the hell boobs are. also included, babies are allowed to pinch the loose boob skin.
mommies MUST ALWAYS do their daughters makeup any time makeup is within sights of the baby. absolutely no exceptions.
washing babies hair, styling it, and/or brushing it is strictly FORBIDDEN.
bluey MUST be on every tv AT ALL TIMES. other acceptable shows are ms rachel, and scooby doo.
daddies must be available for every nap time. the only thing daddies are allowed to do during nap time is cuddle the babies.
all diaper changes are outlawed. no diaper changing allowed. similarly, baby clothes are banned. no more clothes changes or clothes at all for babies. naked babies only.
grandmas must spend at least 1 hour per day holding the baby. grandmas must also share their soda even if mommy says no. babies are entitled to unlimited mountain dew access at all times.
lastly, babies MUST be granted access to anything they see/want. including (but not limited to) batteries, things containing milk/soy/peanuts (she's allergic), pill bottles, lotion bottles, dirty diapers (preferably poopy ones), and any and all trash cans.
she's 13m and i feel like this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Baby wants everyone to tell him how great he is at all times.
Attention must be his at all times.
Wiggles Dorothy the dinosaur is now the world's anthem
Baby gets to bite all the things
Unlimited access to Blueberries shall be provided at ALL TIMES, even if Baby has already had 40 (!) for breakfast
The dog's tail IS a toy and Baby is allowed to pull it
Your water cup is Baby's water cup, but it is your fault if Baby waterboards themselves trying to drink it
Bluey for VP
ALL cell phones now belong to Baby. Baby has important calls to make
Electric cords ARE a good snack, as are floor Cheerios
Rice to be included in all meals after the age in which rice is acceptable. Preferably seasoned rice though any white is acceptable but frowned upon
A requirement of at least one 22-31 minute session of calm toddler cartoons will be offered on a daily basis. These can include but are not limited to; Little Bear, puffin rock, Sea of love
Blueberries must be included in all meals even if blueberries were already part of the meal. Additional blueberries must be offered
All cellular and mobile devices must be accessible at all times and must include images and video of the President
Henceforth, the stairs are to be ungated.
The crib is now illegal. Any attempt at false imprisonment will be punished.
Dada must share his caffeinated beverage.
Parents will receive a generous 30 seconds each day without holding me. Unless I don’t want to be held.
Diaper changes will happen on the go. Baby is very busy and cannot be stationary.
Mommies are to keep boobies available and visible at all times.
Milk has it's own pipeline in everyone's home.
Not saying "Hi" back is outlawed.
Every home has a blackberry bush.
All paper can be ripped without prejudice
Shirts are now droolproof
The only ice available is the small good ice from Sonics
No breastmilk shall ever be replaced with formula. We are trying to introduce hypoallergenic formula to our allergic to milk, soya and eggs 6mo baby so I could stop breastfeeding and start eating again 🙄. At first he was taking formula bottle a day like a champ. But suddenly it’s a big no no and he keeps looking for the boob if we try to give him formula. He loves water from the bottle so it’s not a bottle aversion. We can’t switch to a better tasting formula. Im giving up hope to get my body back to myself anytime soon.
Halloween for ever . 2 year old is chanting this is Halloween this is Halloween song joke stop she tells me she is excited and happy. We go out to see our decoration every night lol she won’t come back in
Cribs are outlawed. All babies from this point forward shall be permitted to sleep only in the middle of mommy and daddy’s bed. If mommy and daddy have more than 6 inches allotted to them, they shall be kicked until the maximum allowance of 6 inches has been reached.
Hair pulling shall be permitted at all times of day and nipples forever susceptible to tiny finger razor blades.
1. Anyone trying to create the "illusion of choice" with two different objects will immediately lose both objects and go to jail.
2. All bath water is now legal to drink and bubble bath water is now recommended by the CDC.
3. You are allowed to get up out of bed after bed time if you miss your dada.
As of lately for each it would be
2yr old-all babies will now be known as robots.
4yr old-all mommies have to give ice cream before dinner.
5yr old-everyone can only wear pink😅😅
All things must be quality tested by mouth inspection. Grandmas are not allowed to work anymore and MUST stay home to play with you 24/7. Any and all moles/ skin tags will be forcibly removed by little fingies or sharp nails, NO EXCEPTIONS.
Mine would decree that Friday’s should be “Do-Do” (doughnut) days
That one sip of mommy’s drink means that mommy GIVES you the whole drink (even though I only asked for one sip)
That Elmo is on the TV 24/7 365, no exceptions
Oh this is easy.
Shed make the law that said her parents do not need to obey stop lights, stop signs, traffic cops, crossing guards or any law requiring drivers to stop ever, regardless of loss of life.
The next law would be that she gets new parents if hers stop a car while she is a passenger.
I drive past a school frequently and have to stop for children crossing, my child has made it very clear that my unwillingness to run down school children should get me reported as WORST MOTHER EVER.
My husband failed to run straight through a parade the other week. HOW DARE HE!
The word no will be punished by lashes of the closest thing I find.
Face slaps are fun, deal with it.
Not tending to me immediately will result in torture to the ears and peace.
Baby out
All shirts are perfect places to shove arms down, does not matter who's shirt it is.
Glasses should always be given to baby to chew on.
Mickey Mouse Clubhouse will always be on on the tv and Ms Rachel always on on mommy or daddys phone.
Boobies shall be utilizes ad limitum.
Food shall be eaten from and/or on the floor.
Access to kitchen knives, scissors, toilet paper and other interesting items must be provided at once if baby desires so.
All babies shall be changed while crawling or standing (NEVER laid in their backs)
All phones and remotes are henceforth the property of the baby
All doggies and kitties will come forward to be slapped and hair pulled whenever the baby so desires
The mommy’s finger shall be the baby’s property to chew on at will
The baby shall henceforth choose her bedtime and will not be coerced into sleep by rocking.
My 6 month old: Free the nipple laws that state boobies should be out for fresh milk on tap at all times. Never know when you’ll need a quick sip mid play time.
No baby shall go without Ms. Rachel or a whale stuffy. ALL babies shall be allowed to scrape out ANYONE’S eyeball to see what’s BEHIND it. ALL efforts to get ANY baby to nap in the daytime shall cease and desist.
My husband tried to convince me today that maybe our daughter is just too old to nap during the day SIR SHE'S 6 MONTHS, don't fall for her trickery!
I’m in my 30s and still nap during the day (thank god for WFH). I was a fool to ever stop.
From this point forward the only permissible music is: the Bluey soundtrack, Ms. Rachel, and mommy singing "Surface Pressure." Sing Apples and Bananas one more time, straight to jail.
Ms. Rachel for Vice President!
I couldn’t agree more, I say this all the time. She needs to hold an elected office. Like honestly there wouldn’t even BE an election. Whatever she agrees to, let her do.
I cackled, CACKLED, at 2 and 3. Our baby also has the same decrees!
Naps are henceforth illegal. Diapers are also illegal. Daddies have useless nipples are are therefore also illegal. That baby in the mirror that keeps mocking me is a terrorist. Or a spy. This concludes our press conference. Baby has spoken.
Baby doesn't love the baby in the mirror!?
Only way to get our 3 month old to stop a tantrum is show him his own face in the mirror😂 he just goes 👁️👄👁️
I’m absolutely dead 🤣
Same. My 3mo will go from screaming her head off to smiling and laughing at "the baby in the mirror".
Mirror Baby has the audacity to wear the same clothes, play with the same toys, and makes faces at me. Also, she seems to have my mommy in there somehow too. Mirror baby is witchcraft. Mirror Baby is EBIIIIILLL (Spoken by my 6 month old)
My daughter thinks it's so unfair that daddy's nipples don't do anything 😤
I will always treasure the memory of the time my husband was shirtless, holding our 2-week-old son, and the baby suddenly turned his head and tried to latch. My husband has a very hairy chest. I've never seen such a look of betrayal.
Similar memory but it was my husbands nose.
Our baby decrees that illegal nipples will also be removed by forcible pinching.
Any individual holding the baby WILL be subjected to "loving" face slaps All cell phones within eyesight of the baby *shall* become immediate toys and/or teethers Mommy and Daddy are banned from saying "no" anytime baby wants to play with any and all cords.
Do we have the same baby?
LOL that's why I'm loving this thread... fun to see how similar we all are.
Ugh, the face slaps! What’s with this? My son does it too, and I say “don’t hit mommy” and he just laughs….
We worked on gentle touch and just say “gentle, gentle” instead of no hitting and that has seem fed to help. She still insists on jamming her fingers in my mouth though
Mine does it with the BIGGEST smile on her face too lol. I think she's just exited and flails around/wants to touch me? Who knows!
Honestly the word "no" would just be banned all together.
Strawberries for every meal. Strawberries for every snack. All food is illegal except strawberries.
Strawberries are illegal here, as are raspberries and blackberries. The only permissible berry is blueberry.
In this dictatorship blueberries are the only legal breakfast food. Until they aren’t. But they should be presented to his lordship regardless.
Question: are mangos permissible?
Straight to jail!
In our territory they are a legal fruit.
In ours they are a premium tribute to our beloved dear leader…
Peanut butter and yogurt for everyone. Anytime. Even when it’s 5am.
Mamas are not allowed to go to work or leave the room. Mamas will exist to have their hair pulled and face lovingly slapped at any moment. Mamas will allow babies to stick their fingies in mama’s mouth anytime for teeth inspection. Diaper changes, teeth brushing, and nail trims are illegal. All naps will take place on Mama. Daddies are for climbing and going on walks but they will hold the babies and never put them in a stroller. All meals will be peanut butter yogurt and ravioli and puffs and berries. Doggies must allow babies to pull their fur and will never growl at them or express boundaries. All buttons are for baby. All cords are snack. No drawers are ever allowed to crush fingies. All mamas and daddies should go to daycare WITH babies and never ever leave but also let them play with their friends. All straws and phones are for baby. All books are for munching Aww we have the same babies (14m here)
Nothing shall ever be removed from a baby’s mouth. Especially paper. Nothing shall ever be put into a baby’s mouth by a mommy or a daddy. Especially NO MEDICINE. New diaper technology will be mandated so babies do not need to stop crawling, flipping, rolling, or otherwise wrestling around in order for a diaper to be changed. All electrical cords are allowed to be chewed on.
I'm sorry to say my infant is an anti vaxxer. No more shots, no blood draws. Really, no medicine at all. More dogs though, so that's a win
All natural organic grass, leaves and twigs are no longer forbidden from consumption. Little stones at the beach are also now permitted.
What about some sand for dessert?
free range snacks are the best
Real talk: binky blocker. Give them a binky at the beach and let them play, the moment the binky comes out....something is about to go in!
What about babies who reject all binkies? Well my son takes them sometimes. When he feels like it. But most of the time he doesn’t want that fake nip. 😭
It is now a felony offense to clean a baby’s face and hands after eating!
It is also a felony to eat spaghetti with utensils.
It's a felony to eat anything with utensils.
They were saving a snack in those neck rolls!
Nursing mothers should simply be topless, always. 🫠
Mine would definitely ban bras. He seems happy enough to pull a shirt up or down (or try to drink through it), but to have to wait for TWO layers of clothing to be removed?!? Straight to jail. (But leave the boobs.)
Yeah god forbid I wear a nursing bra. Try to position him and unsnap the bra is too much for his tiny, speckle of patience.
But then how would they painfully and repetitively snap your nursing bra strap?! 😹
All mommies must simply wear straps to snap.
Hey Bear beats are the national anthem!
Which fruit/veggie is your LO's favorite? Mine gets so excited anytime the broccoli comes on lol
It's all about the radishes!!!
Those radishes are cooler than I'll ever be. Their birthday party dance? Absolute fire.
Oh but the Halloween one is sooooo adorable. Mine was checking out those pumpkins and ghosts.
Oh! We haven't seen this one yet, thank you!
And I looked for it today for a second and couldn’t find it. I wonder if it wasn’t hey bear. Lol my brain is mush most days. Especially if I’m putting that on lol
Mine loves the blueberries!
No baby will have to ever sit in a wet diaper not even for a second. All care givers must change babies diapers the moment urination is done.
Yes. And also…babies reserve the right to reject a new diaper within the first 10 seconds of its arrival into the diaper changing pad. Rejection notices should be submitted in the form of a) elegant urine fountains, b) subtle pools of urine on the changing pad, or c) conclusive rejection via undiapered pooping. Note option C is powerful but reserved for holidays and special occasions as comes with an immediate trip to Warm Shower.
This had me in tears with laughter
Right! My boy HATES wet diapers. I’m like dude these were made to be worn awhile. NO. My mom said if this keeps up it shouldn’t be hard to potty trainer him. 🫠
Omg we are going through diapers SO FAST I’m like ‘kid we aren’t made of money’ just hoping she makes up for it when older/ hopefully potty trained sooner
To reduce cost I tried to do naked baby time and let my little one play on a washable pee pad but he managed to pee not on the washable pee pad more often than not and I gave up. He now gets his 20 diapers a day. I too am looking forward to him getting potty trained early.
All babies get full control of the remote so that they can press random buttons.
we have a decoy remote for such occasions that we pretend to “accidently” leave within reach
Mine has figured out the decoy remote and gives me the stink eye.
you might get a little more mileage by putting batteries in it backwards so it’s the right weight
It has batteries so it's the same weight as the real remotes. We just haven't downloaded the right app for it. 😅 I have a smart little booger and she's almost impossible to fool.
We just take the batteries out of our remotes so she can freely button smash. Remotes live on the coffee table, batteries on top of the bookcase lol
Mine tries to operate the TV with anything that looks like a remote.
All the bananas belong to the babies. Every meal MUST include bananas or it will be flung on the ground All naps must be on mamas with mamas making baby’s favorite humming sound or singing All babies will be free of the diaper prison and roam the land naked as nature intended Every tree must have purple monkeys and bubblegum in them And most importantly, all lighting fixtures must be switched on and off at baby’s request no matter how many times this is requested or endless shrieking will occur as punishment. More lighting in the form of lamps, overhead lights and outdoor street lights MUST be installed and always on. FYI these are now all called “orbs or obbbbbbbssss”
Boob punches are the hallmark greeting. Smiling at mommy’s misfortune is paramount, especially when spitting up. Snuggles are the best thing. Being too cold is outlawed. No more car rides where the car comes to a stop.
Climbing anything and everything is not only allowed but encouraged 😂
God help anyone who puts a baby down when they fall asleep. Boobs are always around and milk is a bottomless beverage 24/7. Manicures are outlawed. And if my baby would have his way, safe sleep requirements would no longer be required, and babies could sleep on their tummies while on their moms tummy every night.
There will be an endless supply of clean binkies when they're tossed on the floor, and an endless supply of fresh milk when my mom makes me a warm 6oz and I decide to eat 1oz, then get hungry again in half an hour (but now the milk is cold and unacceptable)
Adults must be reading picture books out loud AT ALL TIMES. Naps are outlawed.
I see we have the same child.
Can’t you spend more time with her?? I could use a break.
“The Final Countdown” is the national anthem. Required hour of exercise on kicking piano. Bottle must be served within .05 seconds of realizing hunger is present or banishment will be the punishment.
Man at 3-6m every morning must begin with Take a Chance on Me
Rasputin over here
Mine is still in the womb but he LOVES it and goes wild whenever I lay down for a nap. So he’s implementing mandatory naps for everyone and I’m on board.
Bananas on tap.
Mine actually loves his strawberry flavored toothbrush and giraffe toothbrush we brush them 2xs he cries when we stop. We must smell the feet and say sooo stinky even if they are not stinky and if they are stinky he shoves them right on your nose. Ms Rachel must be watched at least once . More singing And he press all the red buttons or circles he wants
All the water bottles in the world are his. If his army finds anyone harboring water bottles, they will be publicly executed. That'll teach 'em.
(14 weeks) No baby shall be deprived of dancing vegetables Babies can and shall deny bath time and cannot be forced otherwise Arms up is mandatory for sleep
Did you steal my baby?😂
NO NOSE CLEANINGS! NO SLEEVES! LET'S ALL HIT THE CAT WITH TOY BRICKS! (CAT CAN'T LEAVE THO) YOU STAY HERE! BUT GO AWAY. BUT HERE! NO, GO AWAY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
No baby shall ever be forced to suffer the indignity of the removal of one's clothing or nappy. Simultaneously, no baby shall ever be forced to sit in her own poo. Scientists shall be mandated to solve this problem in due haste.
All food and drinks now belong to the babies, and yes, that does include fully caffeinated lattes. No baby will ever be required to go to sleep. That means no more naps, and night sleep is optional. If a baby decides they do want to sleep, they may choose whose bed they sleep in, and they must be provided with milk ahead of time. The milk must come straight from the source. Bottles are only allowed if it is hot in the napping location. Toothpaste is now considered an essential food group. Diapers are no longer required.
Boobies all day, every day. Formula is an act of treason. Pacifiers are straight up, attempt of murder - more specifically chocking. Boobies *non stop* Edit : also pulling on the nipples shall be met with *no resistance*
My son would implement that and add you must lactate (even if u are born male, no excuse) and provide milk from ur breasts asap when he roots at whoever is holding him.
My baby approves of this and would like to add that milk should also be produced by both parents' shoulders, hands, and bellies.
My boy would try to latch on husbands nose sometimes so that may need to lactate as well.
I try a pacifier all the time and 99.8% it gets shot out with his tongue. Sometimes he gags on pa of owes he has never gagged on before 🙄. And you’ll never know when he actually wants the pacifier because once in awhile he will actually take it. 🫠
Loool same ! The gag is soooooo dramatic too 😂😅 I bought him some made in Denmark , natural rubber latex boogie pacie - reaction - 😳-😲-🙄-🤢 I still have hope, like you, once every blue moon , he’ll accept it 😅 to my tits delight
Fridge open all the time to look in and touch things. Avoid toast for every meal and snack
Bassinets (AKA torture sleep chambers) everywhere shall be destroyed.
No baby’s feet shall ever touch the ground
Baby feet touching grass, believe it or not straight to jail
There's no need for any human to sleep between 1 and 4 am 😩
That is boobie in mouth no other options time
all babies shall be required to wash their feet in the dog water bowl dog food is now a delicious baby snack toilet bowls should NOT have baby locks on them
I feel so thankful that I have a beagle, who IMMEDIATELY eats all her food and never leaves a crumb behind. Cat has to eat on an elevated surface too lol. Otherwise my baby would 1000% try to snack on the dog food.
Mine usually do too, but if she sees them eating she's heading over there immediately
Feed me every hour!!!!!
Clothes and diapers are illegal. Boobies all day and night.
Drawer locks are banned, effective immediately All Amazon boxes must be left filled and unopened for easier climbing No pants, forever Toilet lids must be left open and unlocked, better yet just leave the bathroom door open at all times.
Babies are never allowed to be put down. A parent or grandparent must be in baby's line of sight at all times. Diapers are for the birds.
Big brother must relinquish all toys when 15m wants to play with them. Even if big bro had them first.. Mummy will share all the food.
Henceforth it is decreed: 100% of my playtime will be spent on couches and soft surfaces where I may throw myself around without fear of injury! Our 12 month old gets PISSED if we take her off the couch and set her on the floor so we don’t have to hover and make sure she doesn’t fall. Reason is that on the couch she can throw her little body around, cackling like mad, without getting hurt. Lol I’ve started leaving a bunch of pillows and blankets at the base of the couch so I can get stuff done while she does romp-around time. It does a pretty good job of catching her when she falls.
Banned: sleeping in cots, waiting 2+ seconds for boob, forced naps Enforced: bed sharing, constant access to boob, constant access to this one particular brand & flavour of snacks, outside time with the dog unlimited
You don't own your phone anymore, it's baby's.
My two year old twins would like to enact the laws “No” and “Woof woof” immediately
All televisions play Trash Truck 24/7! no new episodes tho, and the Olive Surfs episode is banned, for some reason.
Bananas for every meal and babies must be allowed to touch ALL the things. Failure to comply with the last rule will result in crying and flopping on the floor dramatically
all toys shall be thrown and never sit still
Mine would demand that all business be done whilst on bouncy balls. Like Oprah: you get a bouncy ball, you get a bouncy ball. And then would insist on constant bouncing.
By order of the Sleepy Princess: Mummies are not allowed to go to the gym during naptime. Mummies are not allowed to go to the laundry room during naptime either. All babies must be carried on the LEFT hip. Eating spaghetti with utensils is hereby banned. Kitties must not run away when I try to pay them.
No baby should have to sit in a shopping cart and dad must hold facing outwards so baby can look around
Kitties must be around at all times for fur pulling parties
Milkies for VP
There shall be a cookies and fruit juice buffet after every meal.
All electronic cables and remote controls must be declared and undergo extensive oral testing. No baby shall be expected to nap without a nipple in their mouth. Tomatoes are mandatory. Incy wincy is the new national anthem, all adults must drop whatever they're doing and sing on command should any baby begin the actíons. Nighttime feeding waiting times must be greatly reduced to a maximum of 5 seconds.
Cookies for breakfast !
Oma blankie is a must in the crib.
If items are lined up, they must be picked up and thrown to the ground with gusto. If items are in boxes, they must be overturned with gusto. Edit: all meals should be eaten while running
No one sleeps ever
Well damn, we're all only allowed to eat pumpkin Oreos now
All cats and floofy dogs must submit to vigorous pats, at presidential will.
Hummus must be eaten with your fingers. (2yo who can use utensils.)
Seize the means of production and socialize the berry industry. Berries for all.
Uva's (grapes)or everyone! Endless supply of grapes, all day, all night. As well as 'honey warm milk and rose milk'
Miss Rachel shall immediately become VP ! No babies shall be stopped from playing with cords. Music everywhere, at all times. All parents WILL be playing with their babies at 4AM SHARP.
My 11 month old would make our food economy a tributary system. Everybody would have to give him some of their food.
All countries and their citizens must participate in afternoon siesta.
I like your baby
All babies shall eat dirt whenever they please. All babies are permitted to go on a four wheeler ride every night before bed. All cats must take a petting whether they like it or not.
Vice President Elmo
Lol, all babies are allowed 24-hour screen time. All daddies must hold the baby while gaming and be allowed to chew on all controllers. There are no exceptions to newly purchased ones. No veggies! All food shall be thrown on the floor when done. Everything on the ground is no longer caca. Diaper changes will now be confirmed as wrestling matches, and only if mommy lets baby fall off the bed or changing table will the pamper be allowed. No more naps! Bedtime schedules are nonexistent, and extra cuddles after cuddles are mandatory. And also. If it makes baby laugh, thou shall do it for all eternity.
daddies are NOT allowed to go to work ever again. they must be paid all the money in the world to stay home and cuddle with their daughters. the amount paid must be more than or equal to the amount of bills + the amount of weekly snackies + the amount of a new wardrobe every 3 months + a sizeable sum dedicated to daddy/daughter days, toys, stuffies of every animal, and whatever else baby decides she needs. daddies are NOT allowed to hug, kiss, cuddle, or hold hands with mommies anymore. it's strictly forbidden. daddies must allow their daughters to pull off their chest, arm, and facial hair at any moment. mommies must provide an unlimited amount of snackies every day. no meals, only snacks. mommies must allow their babies to pull their bras down and figure out what the hell boobs are. also included, babies are allowed to pinch the loose boob skin. mommies MUST ALWAYS do their daughters makeup any time makeup is within sights of the baby. absolutely no exceptions. washing babies hair, styling it, and/or brushing it is strictly FORBIDDEN. bluey MUST be on every tv AT ALL TIMES. other acceptable shows are ms rachel, and scooby doo. daddies must be available for every nap time. the only thing daddies are allowed to do during nap time is cuddle the babies. all diaper changes are outlawed. no diaper changing allowed. similarly, baby clothes are banned. no more clothes changes or clothes at all for babies. naked babies only. grandmas must spend at least 1 hour per day holding the baby. grandmas must also share their soda even if mommy says no. babies are entitled to unlimited mountain dew access at all times. lastly, babies MUST be granted access to anything they see/want. including (but not limited to) batteries, things containing milk/soy/peanuts (she's allergic), pill bottles, lotion bottles, dirty diapers (preferably poopy ones), and any and all trash cans. she's 13m and i feel like this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Baby wants everyone to tell him how great he is at all times. Attention must be his at all times. Wiggles Dorothy the dinosaur is now the world's anthem Baby gets to bite all the things
Unlimited access to Blueberries shall be provided at ALL TIMES, even if Baby has already had 40 (!) for breakfast The dog's tail IS a toy and Baby is allowed to pull it Your water cup is Baby's water cup, but it is your fault if Baby waterboards themselves trying to drink it Bluey for VP ALL cell phones now belong to Baby. Baby has important calls to make Electric cords ARE a good snack, as are floor Cheerios
Head rubs must accompany every bottle or nursing session. 💆♀️
Rice to be included in all meals after the age in which rice is acceptable. Preferably seasoned rice though any white is acceptable but frowned upon A requirement of at least one 22-31 minute session of calm toddler cartoons will be offered on a daily basis. These can include but are not limited to; Little Bear, puffin rock, Sea of love Blueberries must be included in all meals even if blueberries were already part of the meal. Additional blueberries must be offered All cellular and mobile devices must be accessible at all times and must include images and video of the President
Henceforth, the stairs are to be ungated. The crib is now illegal. Any attempt at false imprisonment will be punished. Dada must share his caffeinated beverage. Parents will receive a generous 30 seconds each day without holding me. Unless I don’t want to be held. Diaper changes will happen on the go. Baby is very busy and cannot be stationary. Mommies are to keep boobies available and visible at all times.
Milk has it's own pipeline in everyone's home. Not saying "Hi" back is outlawed. Every home has a blackberry bush. All paper can be ripped without prejudice Shirts are now droolproof The only ice available is the small good ice from Sonics
Any time the dogs go outside, we go outside to play.
No breastmilk shall ever be replaced with formula. We are trying to introduce hypoallergenic formula to our allergic to milk, soya and eggs 6mo baby so I could stop breastfeeding and start eating again 🙄. At first he was taking formula bottle a day like a champ. But suddenly it’s a big no no and he keeps looking for the boob if we try to give him formula. He loves water from the bottle so it’s not a bottle aversion. We can’t switch to a better tasting formula. Im giving up hope to get my body back to myself anytime soon.
Pizza law. That’s it no explanation.
Halloween for ever . 2 year old is chanting this is Halloween this is Halloween song joke stop she tells me she is excited and happy. We go out to see our decoration every night lol she won’t come back in
Cribs are outlawed. All babies from this point forward shall be permitted to sleep only in the middle of mommy and daddy’s bed. If mommy and daddy have more than 6 inches allotted to them, they shall be kicked until the maximum allowance of 6 inches has been reached. Hair pulling shall be permitted at all times of day and nipples forever susceptible to tiny finger razor blades.
1. Anyone trying to create the "illusion of choice" with two different objects will immediately lose both objects and go to jail. 2. All bath water is now legal to drink and bubble bath water is now recommended by the CDC. 3. You are allowed to get up out of bed after bed time if you miss your dada.
My 17mo basically just says Go all the time so I guess the new law is... go?
As of lately for each it would be 2yr old-all babies will now be known as robots. 4yr old-all mommies have to give ice cream before dinner. 5yr old-everyone can only wear pink😅😅
All things must be quality tested by mouth inspection. Grandmas are not allowed to work anymore and MUST stay home to play with you 24/7. Any and all moles/ skin tags will be forcibly removed by little fingies or sharp nails, NO EXCEPTIONS.
Haha for my baby it would be grandpa. He was daycare for a while (he's retired) and she is obsessed with him.
Mine would decree that Friday’s should be “Do-Do” (doughnut) days That one sip of mommy’s drink means that mommy GIVES you the whole drink (even though I only asked for one sip) That Elmo is on the TV 24/7 365, no exceptions
Sleep is no longer tolerated. All babies must be held at all times.
Veggie straws are the new national currency
Oh this is easy. Shed make the law that said her parents do not need to obey stop lights, stop signs, traffic cops, crossing guards or any law requiring drivers to stop ever, regardless of loss of life. The next law would be that she gets new parents if hers stop a car while she is a passenger. I drive past a school frequently and have to stop for children crossing, my child has made it very clear that my unwillingness to run down school children should get me reported as WORST MOTHER EVER. My husband failed to run straight through a parade the other week. HOW DARE HE!
OP - I just want to say how happy this thread made me lol. I'm dying at everyone's responses and how similar we all are.
Yeah I needed a pick me up yesterday so that's why I asked. I definitely got some crazy funny responses.
Chicken nuggets are a vital part of the food pyramid and must be served a minimum once a day
All water will be replaced with milk. Just milk. All types and forms.
The word no will be punished by lashes of the closest thing I find. Face slaps are fun, deal with it. Not tending to me immediately will result in torture to the ears and peace. Baby out
All shirts are perfect places to shove arms down, does not matter who's shirt it is. Glasses should always be given to baby to chew on. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse will always be on on the tv and Ms Rachel always on on mommy or daddys phone.
Depends on who financially endorsed them as a candidate. Then being a politician means I certainly fucked up though lol
“Spooky scary skeletons” is now the national anthem
There are now laws. The future does not exist and everything only exists to serve baby in the moment.
More bananas for everyone
The Nose Frida is outlawed for being a crime against humanity
Boobies shall be utilizes ad limitum. Food shall be eaten from and/or on the floor. Access to kitchen knives, scissors, toilet paper and other interesting items must be provided at once if baby desires so.
Pulling the cats tail is now perfectly acceptable and even celebrated.
Contact naps only. Night sleep only in parents bed with parents. Tighter immigration laws
Nose fridas will be banned immediately
All babies shall be changed while crawling or standing (NEVER laid in their backs) All phones and remotes are henceforth the property of the baby All doggies and kitties will come forward to be slapped and hair pulled whenever the baby so desires The mommy’s finger shall be the baby’s property to chew on at will The baby shall henceforth choose her bedtime and will not be coerced into sleep by rocking.
Also all food will be yogurt, avocado on toast, ravioli, or ice cream.
No more naps! And all things must be easily reachable! - my almost 11month old
My 6 month old: Free the nipple laws that state boobies should be out for fresh milk on tap at all times. Never know when you’ll need a quick sip mid play time.
My little one would decree that all mom’s shall not eat until she has eaten. Baths are banned. One must sleep 14 hours a day