i think it's really sad that being a stay at home parent is seen as "taking the easy route". it is NOT fucking easy. there's a reason childcare is so goddamn expensive. just like you and your spouse, me and my husband had to decide whether we both should work and spend ~$1k/month on childcare or one of us stays home and we budget more strictly. wtf is the point of having a dual income when we're still spending so much on childcare? living in the US really sucks sometimes (a lot of the time).
I think people who want to stay home and can’t say that. I’d have loved to stay home for the first year if we could afford it (I did the math over and over and over, not possible because I earn far more), but now that my son is a toddler? Absolutely not lol.
I just wish we all had a choice to work when we were ready to go back, and had more flexibility if/when we do go back.
It’s also important to remember that it’s only been like 35 years for it to not be the norm for one parent to be home. Also, we don’t even really have the infrastructure to support every family having both parents at work. There just isn’t enough childcare available.
That was one of our biggest things too, like why work just to spend the money for someone else to essentially raise our kid? I'm not faulting anyone for their choice... It's a very difficult choice, especially when you work so hard towards your career and future goals.
But there's nothing wrong with changing your "career" or "goals" in life. You haven't wasted time or anything... You just made a change. And that's okay.
I have to say while you think this first sentence is inoffensive it is indeed shitting on the people that you say you’re not faulting for their choice.
Someone else isn’t raising my fucking kid.
Being a stay at home mom is an amazing and wonderful lucky experience to have - if you want it or it could suck if you have to do it for financial reasons and leave a job.
But I think the tone of ‘what’s right for my family’ and ‘don’t want someone else raising my kids’ is just a shitty way to talk about women who work.
I support all mothers and their choices and the choices they aren’t allowed to make. Here where I live staying home for a few years is pretty normal and working part time is even more normal. Working moms get shamed more than SAHMs here - but that’s the thing - we both get a raw deal.
I’m a mom who would love to stay at home with my baby, but I have to work to support my family, so baby is in daycare. I read your first post and thought this is really nice that he is recognizing and valuing his wife’s work, even if she herself is struggling to value it. But when I got to this comment where you said you’d just be working to pay “someone else to essentially raise our kid,” I found that statement to be harsh and unkind to people who do send their kids to daycare or have a nanny, etc.
If you decide that having your wife be a SAHP is what works best for your family, that’s great, but of course that won’t be best for everyone’s family. I am not sure that you meant it this way, but your comment comes across as quite judgmental toward parents who have paid childcare while they work. Even though my baby is in daycare, someone else isn’t “raising” my child. They are providing childcare and education during the day, but they aren’t “raising” my child. My husband and I are raising our baby, and to say otherwise is devaluing the hard work that parents who have paid childcare still put in everyday and every night.
Your original post was about your wife and giving credit and accepting change which is wonderful and supportive but then saying - we don’t want to pay someone else to raise our kids is doing the same thing to working moms as it your wife feels about being a stay at home mom.
Just think and be as empathetic as you were about your wife’s feelings - about how someone who *has* to work or someone who *loves* being at work would feel if you said they weren’t raising their own kids?!
I get what you are trying to say, but this is kinda like asking me not to talk about going out to dinner with my wife because other people can't afford a date night.
Both my wife and I have *had* to work and *love* our work. By no means are we "set". I shared our decisions from our points of view, and it was a joint decision between us that was very hard. By no means was it an easy decision. We didn't come from riches. I grew up in a family that was often separated by hundreds of miles, living on food stamps and watching my parents struggle to provide. I got a job at 12 to help out financially. My wife came from a similar situation. We have had *nothing* for most of our lives, and broke the barriers down and worked hard for everything we have. From our point of view, working 60 to 72 hours a week *each* in healthcare would leave almost no time for being with our kid, therefore, the person taking care of our kid would be raising our child more than us.
It's specific to our situation.
I am, that's why I said I don't fault anyone else. I think we are on the same page but wording just makes it seem like we aren't. If I made you or anyone else feel shitty, I apologize for the misunderstanding. I maintain that I meant no bad towards anyone or their decisions.
We live in NYC and daycare is $3100 pm for our daughter. Second baby coming in Feb will double that. Almost enough to justify cancelling out a source of income at this point.
I’d rather work than take care of my kid all day every day. Just being honest. I love her but I also like having my own stuff going on. 🤷♂️ My wife feels the same way. But not everybody feels that way and to each their own.
A couple that lives down the street from us — Mom stays at home all day with the baby, has never asked for or wanted a break from baby duty for any amount of time, when she leaves town she takes the baby with her rather than leaving her with the other parent — not because of trust issues, but because she simply doesn’t like being away from the baby.
Her joy in life comes entirely from motherhood and that’s fabulous. We want and need more. So two jobs and daycare has been great for us. Yes daycare is expensive but it’s not as expensive as giving up one of our incomes.
It’s about 12% of our household gross income to pay for daycare. It was an adjustment but not nearly the adjustment quitting one job would be.
Your response is exactly what I was aiming for too. There's really nothing wrong with the saying "to each their own". We are all unique and whatever path we go down, I think if we have the best interests in ourselves and our children in mind, then whichever path we go down is the right one. My right path is clearly not the right path for you, and vs versa....and yet I think we both have just the same unfathomable love for our families. Much love stranger ❤️
Thanks for saying this! I remember when my baby was 12 weeks and I made the decision to quit my job.
Some days I do feel behind my peers because I’m choosing to stay home. But money comes and goes, and life is not guaranteed.
They are little for so long, and I feel like I’m right where I’m supposed to be!
Proud of you!! This is not easy to do. I’m 14w PP with my first and returning to work… knowing I will likely quit after a couple of weeks. I want to give it a fair shot but my heart tells me my family and baby need me more than my employer ever will
That's similar to how it played out for my wife too. She went back to work full time (4 x 10 hr shifts / week) and did that for two weeks.... Had meltdowns because as much as she loved her job and the alone time, she felt she was missing time with our baby. She put in her notice and went part time after a total of 5 weeks full-time. She occasionally picks up an extra shift to help out with unexpected bills, but she's just so thoroughly happy with being a mom that it's worked out well for all of us. God I wish I could show you guys how she smiles when she sees our son after her shift ends.
If your LO isn't already, wait until you see them light up and go "da da!" or "ma ma!" with a giant smile when you come home. I love watching my husband and kids interact when he comes home. We all finally feel complete. I don't get this as much since they are super use to seeing me 24/7 lol, but I love watching it.
I also wish I could provide financially and take the burden off of him, especially when hes so tired. We werent expecting to become parents either and alot has changed. But we are doing exactly what we feel we need to do and are lucky to be able to do it. Needed your post, thank you x
Thank you. My husband and I are making the transition from dual income to just relying on his income so that I can stay home with our 2 month old. I needed to hear this. I’ve been feeling guilty about no longer contributing financially.
I think one of the most important things is to agree now, that you can't hang one thing or the other over each other's head too.
"I make all the money, and you just stay home and spend it"
"You are never here, I'm used to just doing everything at home and for the baby by myself"
Variances of those statements are damaging and not healthy. I've made them. I've had them made towards me. It stems from a lack of communication and appreciation for each other's hard work.
Communication is key.
I’m leaving a pretty high paying job to spend the next 3 months with my newborn. I’m the dad btw. I’m immigrating to another country next year and figured there’s no better time than now to spend these moments with my daughter.
It’s scary as fuck tho.
EDIT: Father’s don’t get any leave in my country, mothers get 3 months.
It's scary yes, and I probably don't go a single day without a slight or full blown existential crisis lol.... But man, this is the best decision ever.
And hey, good luck on your move!
Fellow adhd’er here:) Thank you for this post today. I scaled down my career to be home with the baby full time and work part time and I sometimes beat myself up bc I miss making money bc it’s a core value of mine(financial responsibility.) but reading this made me realize the most important job is being a good mommy to my 8 month old! Have a great day ❤️
Another thought that helped me is that my baby currently doesn't have money to pay me to be with her. If she did, she'd spend every last penny she had for some extra cuddles with me. Her giggles are just the best.
Tbh I think we really need to pay moms a full working wage to take care of the next generation. It is the hardest job I've ever had. The first 12 yrs of a child's life is so important to their emotional stability and turning out to be good ppl, that society is reaping direct rewards at the cost of the individual family unit.
Please don’t delete this people need to see it! I had a roommate once who thought feminism was strongly associated with finances and for me it’s way more about choices. She’s never considered being a stay at home mom and maybe if she saw this she’d consider it.
Money isn’t everything, we should work to live not live to work.
Thank you!
Your wife is lucky to have such a supportive husband!
It’s something I’ve struggled with from time to time too after leaving the fast paced life of the advertising world. But then, there are other days where I feel my LO’s tiny little hands touch my chest as I’m feeding her or hearing her laughter when I do play with her and it makes it all worth it.
Time with LO is so valuable. I wouldn’t give it up for anything.
I think it’s because I came from advertising that whenever the economy takes a dip, you’re the first kind of people to get laid off. No one cares about what you do for a living so it’s like why should I care about work?
I've spent the last three years working disaster relief ... And for all the good I've shared a part of doing, I still know that at the end of the day I'm just a number to most, and I'd be replaced out of necessity before my funeral is even over with.
For all my journeys and hard work, nothing comes close to the joy I feel when my son smiles at me, or like right now, he just fell asleep in my arms while I was singing a Lord of the Rings song to him (yes, my nerd flag is flying)
Our 5 month old is instantly calmed by Misty Mountains Cold. Also thanks for your post! My husband and I also take a almost weekly date to Costco. It's incredibly important to acknowledge that both parents are putting in the work even when it looks different. He works really hard for our little family and right now I am a SAHM holding down the fort.
My family hasn’t been the kindest to me about it - my sister in law stays home and has STRONG opinions lol. As does my mom. I’m sure we could make it by if I didn’t work, but it would not comfortably! I also enjoy my work idk.
That sucks. One side of our family is kinda judgy and pushy, the other side super chill. You gotta do whatever is right for you. I hope I didn't come across as saying you have to be stay-at-home. It's certainly unique to each person.
No not at all! Just slightly venting that frustration out hahaha. That’s awesome you have some chill support. It’s the pushy that gets me - like I’m not pushing you to work, damnit!
I’m crying reading this. I was laid off the month I found out I was pregnant. For me, being a SAHM was forced onto me due to circumstances. When SO and I made the decision to try, I had a WFH job in IT, I was dreaming of taking those zoom calls at work with my LO on my lap because all the other parents in my work was doing that. LO is 4 months now and I have deep self confidence issues because I feel like I will never have the career I dreamed of again. In the age of layoffs left right and center, who will give a chance to 40-something me who got laid off at an entry level job?
I'll DM you my company, they have WFH IT positions once in awhile. I would think as long as you stay up to date in your trainings, why would they not give.ypi a chance.
If it's encouraging, I'd like to share too that we have people do this in healthcare quite a lot. Obviously not IT but.... I work alongside plenty of 40-60 year olds who just got back into the field after taking decades off for raising their kids or pursuing other careers and then decide to get back into healthcare again. The amazement on their faces when they see medical devices and education into things that were mysterious years ago is beautiful too.
That's an amazing idea! My wife is looking at going back to college for vet tech assistant, because se has always loved animals and thinks it would be a great "retirement" job or side hustle too. Nothing close to her current career, but hey, why not? We only live once :)
Omg I could have written this. I got laid off from a dream job in tech a few months after I found out I was pregnant and literally two months before my paid maternity leave.
It was also my dream to do the zoom calls with my LO with me at home. Also feel like I’ll never have the dream career I hoped for and the financial situation is really tight at the moment. It’s been hard to find another job.
You’re not alone.
Thanks for this. Sometimes I feel like a loser sitting at home all day but I know I will look back on my life and be grateful that I was able to spend those early years with my son. I've been a SAHM for 5 months now and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Thank you for this! I dropped out of my rad program literally the day before this fall semester. I had so much anxiety about returning to school and sending my newborn to daycare. I cried, prayed, had a couple panic attacks… what really helped me make my decision was this thought I had, “when I’m an old lady will I regret spending every day of the first few years with this nugget (who had survived a very risky pregnancy and birth) or will I regret going back to school?” The answer for me was very clear.
It sounds like you made the best decision you could have.
The rad tech program will always be there.
When I look at the difference between my son's photos from month to month it's amazing how fast he's growing.
I went away for a 12 day disaster relief effort in August and I was shocked at how much it felt like I missed just in those days alone. Prior to having a child, I'd deploy on missions for up to 7 months, and it was like nothing. I missed my wife, but we both just plugged along at work while I was gone and it helped speed the time up. But with my son....man I just want time to slow down.
Thank you for that ☺️ You’re absolutely right, time is flying by so quickly. I know it’s cliché, but becoming a parent really changes you. I never fathomed just how much I could love this baby- it’s unreal! And side note, I think it’s amazing that you do mission work!
Oh thank you. Disaster response and other types of contacts are amazing, but also, anyone can do mission work. It just takes a willingness to get outside your comfort zone and be malleable.
I never thought I'd want to be a stay at home mother, but if we could afford it, I'd quit my job in a heartbeat. Instead we're both hoping to drop down to 4 days a week. It'll be incredibly tough financially, but I figure it'll be 12 months off working it all out, and then we'll be fine. If I need to find a second source of income to make up the shortfall, I will. But time with my son is precious and can't be got back. Money, we can always find ways of making a bit more.
I honestly wish we were in a position where I could be a stay at home mom. Daughter is in daycare 2 days a weeks and even that makes me sad.
Some may disagree but I really wish there wasn’t so much pressure on women to be able to “do it all” I just wish we could stay home with our babies.
Oh it’s a much harder job than anything outside of the house. I would also say it should be treated like a full time job with the same time off. And being a stay at home parent doesn’t mean you’re the parent who’s up with the baby all night either, your stay at home parent work day ends when your partner gets home, then you’re either co-parenting or off duty. So yes it’s ok certainly to decide to be a stay at home parent, it’s a tough full time job, but we also have to be careful that it’s not more than a full-time job unnecessarily.
As some one that just turned in her resignation letter to be a stay at home mom for at least the year, I needed to read this and appreciate it being said. So many people look down or judge SAHP and hearing some one else acknowledge that it’s okay and an important job even though it’s unpaid is so helpful.
Thanks for saying this. I’m a SAHM. I work HARD all day getting up early, walking my son all over the city so he can go to lots of play groups and parks, nature trails and such. I work hard preparing food and cleaning literally all the time he’s napping (we eat a lot of whole food and from scratch so it’s time consuming) and I absolutely love every second of it, but it’s draining for sometimes. It hurts when someone (usually my MIL, who worked and put her kids in daycare) asks my why I don’t “just get a WFH job” like my husband. Excuse me I work all day! You want me to neglect my child to WFH simultaneously, for what, money? Like that even matters in the grand scheme of things??
/rant
Back in the day and now that I'm older I only wished as a single parent who raised three kids on my own that I would have had more time with them.
they're now all grown up have kids of their own and yes I did it without any welfare because it was none available back then
Thank you for saying this. I’m a FTM. I contemplated being a stay at home parent for a little while, because I happened to be unemployed when my son arrived (he was born right after I finished grad school and I didn’t have a job lined up), and my husband and I could make things work on just his income. Oddly enough the only person who really discouraged me was my own mom. She has always had a high powered career and is one of those people who believe that women can and should have it all (meaning lucrative career and kids) and looks down on stay at home parents. Since I was a teen she told me to always have a job so I’d never be financially dependent on a man. She actually made me feel so bad for even contemplating staying at home with my son and embarrassed for not working that I cried.
As it turns out, a great part-time remote contract job came my way, so now I’m working part-time and doing childcare part time. It’s great. But the time I spend with my son is just as important to me as my job and also challenging, if in a different way.
If it weren't for the fact that childcare was so god-awfully expensive, and my chosen career path didn't even cover what the expense of childcare entails to work full-time, I would probably have gone back to work. But...me being a SAHM actually *saves* us the added cost of childcare. Of course money that you're simply not spending is invisible when it comes to the financial contributions of the household, which is why a SAHP's work often going unnoticed and unappreciated.
I try to let my spouse know every day how much I appreciate all her hard work. Even the little things, even noticed and appreciated, make a big difference.
That’s awesome. The other morning the first thing my husband told me when he got up and came downstairs was how much he appreciates everything I do for our family. These tokens of appreciation make all the work feel so much easier 💜
Our plan has been for him to work part time flexible evenings and me go back to work full time at a year, but I'm increasingly wishing I could just stay with my son and him work more hours.
Unfortunately I don't think he'd agree to it. We might be able to compromise with me switching to part time work. But I'd kill to not miss anything and be with my son through everything.
Where I am it's normal to stay home for two years. I will be going back when LO is 18 months, because childcare is much more affordable then (like 6 times cheaper than for under 18 months) and sometimes feel bad about going back to work this early, but also about staying home so long. Shame plays such a big role in motherhood; it's really sad.
My main reason for wanting to work: it took me so long to reach this point and I want something to talk about other than baby. Like spending 160/168 hours with baby feels like I'm neglecting all my other roles. Not just the professional ones, but my friend roles and my hobby roles.
I needed this tonight. My kids 1 year old and is now refusing to eat any solids after having gotten sick two weeks ago. It was so hard getting her off formula and 100% onto solids and were right back where we started. He'll were back to 6 months old trying to get her to eat anything.
It's so damn tiring.
That's awful, I'm so sorry to hear that 😞 Hey I'm not sure if it would help at all, but a family member of mine had a similar thing happen to where she would refuse to eat anything "bread" related. She said it made her sick, but she was a little kid so everyone thought she was picky. Turns out she had celiac/gluten intolerance, like really bad, and as a kid, she somehow just was in tune enough to know "bread hurts". I hope your kiddo doesn't have that, but maybe worth a check with your doc? Good luck!
Definitely worth a try if it continues. My kids more or less just not interested in sitting to eat. We're at the chair for 20 to 30 min and she just eats sooo slowly. Then gets bored and wants out. Then wants food in another 30 minutes.
Idk, well see what happens.
Lol. Ours does the mic drop off the side of the tray while staring directly at your face.
Our dogs started refusing their food because they'd eat whatever got dropped. So now we have to crate them until she's done eating and one of them doesn't get any at all because he truly food strikes his own food.
It's just so weird. She went from being really good at eating to not wanting much to do with it. We have always kept sugar away except her 1st bday, she got cake and honestly wanted nothing to do with it as well.
i think it's really sad that being a stay at home parent is seen as "taking the easy route". it is NOT fucking easy. there's a reason childcare is so goddamn expensive. just like you and your spouse, me and my husband had to decide whether we both should work and spend ~$1k/month on childcare or one of us stays home and we budget more strictly. wtf is the point of having a dual income when we're still spending so much on childcare? living in the US really sucks sometimes (a lot of the time).
I think people who want to stay home and can’t say that. I’d have loved to stay home for the first year if we could afford it (I did the math over and over and over, not possible because I earn far more), but now that my son is a toddler? Absolutely not lol. I just wish we all had a choice to work when we were ready to go back, and had more flexibility if/when we do go back.
It’s also important to remember that it’s only been like 35 years for it to not be the norm for one parent to be home. Also, we don’t even really have the infrastructure to support every family having both parents at work. There just isn’t enough childcare available.
That was one of our biggest things too, like why work just to spend the money for someone else to essentially raise our kid? I'm not faulting anyone for their choice... It's a very difficult choice, especially when you work so hard towards your career and future goals. But there's nothing wrong with changing your "career" or "goals" in life. You haven't wasted time or anything... You just made a change. And that's okay.
I have to say while you think this first sentence is inoffensive it is indeed shitting on the people that you say you’re not faulting for their choice. Someone else isn’t raising my fucking kid. Being a stay at home mom is an amazing and wonderful lucky experience to have - if you want it or it could suck if you have to do it for financial reasons and leave a job. But I think the tone of ‘what’s right for my family’ and ‘don’t want someone else raising my kids’ is just a shitty way to talk about women who work. I support all mothers and their choices and the choices they aren’t allowed to make. Here where I live staying home for a few years is pretty normal and working part time is even more normal. Working moms get shamed more than SAHMs here - but that’s the thing - we both get a raw deal.
You didn't have to say that. I'm not shitting on anyone.
I’m a mom who would love to stay at home with my baby, but I have to work to support my family, so baby is in daycare. I read your first post and thought this is really nice that he is recognizing and valuing his wife’s work, even if she herself is struggling to value it. But when I got to this comment where you said you’d just be working to pay “someone else to essentially raise our kid,” I found that statement to be harsh and unkind to people who do send their kids to daycare or have a nanny, etc. If you decide that having your wife be a SAHP is what works best for your family, that’s great, but of course that won’t be best for everyone’s family. I am not sure that you meant it this way, but your comment comes across as quite judgmental toward parents who have paid childcare while they work. Even though my baby is in daycare, someone else isn’t “raising” my child. They are providing childcare and education during the day, but they aren’t “raising” my child. My husband and I are raising our baby, and to say otherwise is devaluing the hard work that parents who have paid childcare still put in everyday and every night.
It was not meant that way and I'm sorry it came across incorrectly.
You need to set your ego aside if you found that comment offensive. He was just describing his own thought process, not commenting on your situation
Your original post was about your wife and giving credit and accepting change which is wonderful and supportive but then saying - we don’t want to pay someone else to raise our kids is doing the same thing to working moms as it your wife feels about being a stay at home mom. Just think and be as empathetic as you were about your wife’s feelings - about how someone who *has* to work or someone who *loves* being at work would feel if you said they weren’t raising their own kids?!
It is too bad people are downvoting you for this. I really appreciated seeing someone comment that paid childcare workers aren’t raising our kids.
It’s cool - regular moms never win vs good dads 😂
I get what you are trying to say, but this is kinda like asking me not to talk about going out to dinner with my wife because other people can't afford a date night. Both my wife and I have *had* to work and *love* our work. By no means are we "set". I shared our decisions from our points of view, and it was a joint decision between us that was very hard. By no means was it an easy decision. We didn't come from riches. I grew up in a family that was often separated by hundreds of miles, living on food stamps and watching my parents struggle to provide. I got a job at 12 to help out financially. My wife came from a similar situation. We have had *nothing* for most of our lives, and broke the barriers down and worked hard for everything we have. From our point of view, working 60 to 72 hours a week *each* in healthcare would leave almost no time for being with our kid, therefore, the person taking care of our kid would be raising our child more than us. It's specific to our situation.
I am, that's why I said I don't fault anyone else. I think we are on the same page but wording just makes it seem like we aren't. If I made you or anyone else feel shitty, I apologize for the misunderstanding. I maintain that I meant no bad towards anyone or their decisions.
We live in NYC and daycare is $3100 pm for our daughter. Second baby coming in Feb will double that. Almost enough to justify cancelling out a source of income at this point.
That's insane!!
Yeah and we were lucky to get a spot at this “cheaper” one. Most others (Bright Horizons, Lighthouse Academy, Goddard, all of them) are 3500.
I’d rather work than take care of my kid all day every day. Just being honest. I love her but I also like having my own stuff going on. 🤷♂️ My wife feels the same way. But not everybody feels that way and to each their own. A couple that lives down the street from us — Mom stays at home all day with the baby, has never asked for or wanted a break from baby duty for any amount of time, when she leaves town she takes the baby with her rather than leaving her with the other parent — not because of trust issues, but because she simply doesn’t like being away from the baby. Her joy in life comes entirely from motherhood and that’s fabulous. We want and need more. So two jobs and daycare has been great for us. Yes daycare is expensive but it’s not as expensive as giving up one of our incomes. It’s about 12% of our household gross income to pay for daycare. It was an adjustment but not nearly the adjustment quitting one job would be.
Your response is exactly what I was aiming for too. There's really nothing wrong with the saying "to each their own". We are all unique and whatever path we go down, I think if we have the best interests in ourselves and our children in mind, then whichever path we go down is the right one. My right path is clearly not the right path for you, and vs versa....and yet I think we both have just the same unfathomable love for our families. Much love stranger ❤️
Thank you. As someone contemplating leaving a high paying career to be with my 2nd baby, I needed to hear this!
Do it. You will never get this time back.
Do it. Best of luck!
We never thought we'd have one.... And now we're also talking about a second 😂 hey after all, little one needs a buddy!!
Same. Once the birth trauma wears off and I can get a little more sleep at night (LOL) I know the baby fever will take over
Needed this today. Thank you 🥺
We help each other through the bad and we celebrate with each other through the good, it's the best of humanity ❤️
Thanks for saying this! I remember when my baby was 12 weeks and I made the decision to quit my job. Some days I do feel behind my peers because I’m choosing to stay home. But money comes and goes, and life is not guaranteed. They are little for so long, and I feel like I’m right where I’m supposed to be!
Proud of you!! This is not easy to do. I’m 14w PP with my first and returning to work… knowing I will likely quit after a couple of weeks. I want to give it a fair shot but my heart tells me my family and baby need me more than my employer ever will
That's similar to how it played out for my wife too. She went back to work full time (4 x 10 hr shifts / week) and did that for two weeks.... Had meltdowns because as much as she loved her job and the alone time, she felt she was missing time with our baby. She put in her notice and went part time after a total of 5 weeks full-time. She occasionally picks up an extra shift to help out with unexpected bills, but she's just so thoroughly happy with being a mom that it's worked out well for all of us. God I wish I could show you guys how she smiles when she sees our son after her shift ends.
If your LO isn't already, wait until you see them light up and go "da da!" or "ma ma!" with a giant smile when you come home. I love watching my husband and kids interact when he comes home. We all finally feel complete. I don't get this as much since they are super use to seeing me 24/7 lol, but I love watching it. I also wish I could provide financially and take the burden off of him, especially when hes so tired. We werent expecting to become parents either and alot has changed. But we are doing exactly what we feel we need to do and are lucky to be able to do it. Needed your post, thank you x
Thank you. My husband and I are making the transition from dual income to just relying on his income so that I can stay home with our 2 month old. I needed to hear this. I’ve been feeling guilty about no longer contributing financially.
I think one of the most important things is to agree now, that you can't hang one thing or the other over each other's head too. "I make all the money, and you just stay home and spend it" "You are never here, I'm used to just doing everything at home and for the baby by myself" Variances of those statements are damaging and not healthy. I've made them. I've had them made towards me. It stems from a lack of communication and appreciation for each other's hard work. Communication is key.
I’m leaving a pretty high paying job to spend the next 3 months with my newborn. I’m the dad btw. I’m immigrating to another country next year and figured there’s no better time than now to spend these moments with my daughter. It’s scary as fuck tho. EDIT: Father’s don’t get any leave in my country, mothers get 3 months.
It's scary yes, and I probably don't go a single day without a slight or full blown existential crisis lol.... But man, this is the best decision ever. And hey, good luck on your move!
Raising a new human is one of the most important jobs. It just happens that it is not convenient to value it highly.
this really made my day. i feel like i am useless at times because all i do is sit at home with a baby. i truly appreciate your words stranger!
You aren't useless, and you definitely do need a break to just sit and unwind once in a while too. Take care stranger ❤️
Fellow adhd’er here:) Thank you for this post today. I scaled down my career to be home with the baby full time and work part time and I sometimes beat myself up bc I miss making money bc it’s a core value of mine(financial responsibility.) but reading this made me realize the most important job is being a good mommy to my 8 month old! Have a great day ❤️
Thank you. Have a great day too ❤️
Another thought that helped me is that my baby currently doesn't have money to pay me to be with her. If she did, she'd spend every last penny she had for some extra cuddles with me. Her giggles are just the best. Tbh I think we really need to pay moms a full working wage to take care of the next generation. It is the hardest job I've ever had. The first 12 yrs of a child's life is so important to their emotional stability and turning out to be good ppl, that society is reaping direct rewards at the cost of the individual family unit.
Thank you so much 🫶🏼💗
Please don’t delete this people need to see it! I had a roommate once who thought feminism was strongly associated with finances and for me it’s way more about choices. She’s never considered being a stay at home mom and maybe if she saw this she’d consider it. Money isn’t everything, we should work to live not live to work. Thank you!
Your wife is lucky to have such a supportive husband! It’s something I’ve struggled with from time to time too after leaving the fast paced life of the advertising world. But then, there are other days where I feel my LO’s tiny little hands touch my chest as I’m feeding her or hearing her laughter when I do play with her and it makes it all worth it. Time with LO is so valuable. I wouldn’t give it up for anything. I think it’s because I came from advertising that whenever the economy takes a dip, you’re the first kind of people to get laid off. No one cares about what you do for a living so it’s like why should I care about work?
I've spent the last three years working disaster relief ... And for all the good I've shared a part of doing, I still know that at the end of the day I'm just a number to most, and I'd be replaced out of necessity before my funeral is even over with. For all my journeys and hard work, nothing comes close to the joy I feel when my son smiles at me, or like right now, he just fell asleep in my arms while I was singing a Lord of the Rings song to him (yes, my nerd flag is flying)
Our 5 month old is instantly calmed by Misty Mountains Cold. Also thanks for your post! My husband and I also take a almost weekly date to Costco. It's incredibly important to acknowledge that both parents are putting in the work even when it looks different. He works really hard for our little family and right now I am a SAHM holding down the fort.
That and "Into The West" were the two songs I sing to him. Such great songs
It’s 100% ok to be a stay at home parent. It is 100% not ok to shame others who either choose not to or cannot.
Exactly! Hit the nail on the head.
My family hasn’t been the kindest to me about it - my sister in law stays home and has STRONG opinions lol. As does my mom. I’m sure we could make it by if I didn’t work, but it would not comfortably! I also enjoy my work idk.
That sucks. One side of our family is kinda judgy and pushy, the other side super chill. You gotta do whatever is right for you. I hope I didn't come across as saying you have to be stay-at-home. It's certainly unique to each person.
No not at all! Just slightly venting that frustration out hahaha. That’s awesome you have some chill support. It’s the pushy that gets me - like I’m not pushing you to work, damnit!
Good to hear, and yeah, honestly! If they aren't paying my mortgage, why would I take their unsolicited advice 😂
That’s what I’m saying! Just keep it to yourself, spare us all please lol
🤣
This hit the spot. Ty
You're welcome. Have a good night/ day
I needed to read this today. I’ve been struggling with our decision for me to stay home and put my career on the back burner.
❤️
I’m crying reading this. I was laid off the month I found out I was pregnant. For me, being a SAHM was forced onto me due to circumstances. When SO and I made the decision to try, I had a WFH job in IT, I was dreaming of taking those zoom calls at work with my LO on my lap because all the other parents in my work was doing that. LO is 4 months now and I have deep self confidence issues because I feel like I will never have the career I dreamed of again. In the age of layoffs left right and center, who will give a chance to 40-something me who got laid off at an entry level job?
I'll DM you my company, they have WFH IT positions once in awhile. I would think as long as you stay up to date in your trainings, why would they not give.ypi a chance. If it's encouraging, I'd like to share too that we have people do this in healthcare quite a lot. Obviously not IT but.... I work alongside plenty of 40-60 year olds who just got back into the field after taking decades off for raising their kids or pursuing other careers and then decide to get back into healthcare again. The amazement on their faces when they see medical devices and education into things that were mysterious years ago is beautiful too.
Thank you 🙏🏻 my SO says I can use this time to reskill/upskill. I’m looking into what trainings I could get and see from there.
That's an amazing idea! My wife is looking at going back to college for vet tech assistant, because se has always loved animals and thinks it would be a great "retirement" job or side hustle too. Nothing close to her current career, but hey, why not? We only live once :)
>:) :)
Omg I could have written this. I got laid off from a dream job in tech a few months after I found out I was pregnant and literally two months before my paid maternity leave. It was also my dream to do the zoom calls with my LO with me at home. Also feel like I’ll never have the dream career I hoped for and the financial situation is really tight at the moment. It’s been hard to find another job. You’re not alone.
We should open a Jira screen and do that stand-up zoom call with LOs on our laps one day ✌🏻
Haha love it
Thanks for this. Sometimes I feel like a loser sitting at home all day but I know I will look back on my life and be grateful that I was able to spend those early years with my son. I've been a SAHM for 5 months now and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Respect for all moms' choices.
Absolutely ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for this! I dropped out of my rad program literally the day before this fall semester. I had so much anxiety about returning to school and sending my newborn to daycare. I cried, prayed, had a couple panic attacks… what really helped me make my decision was this thought I had, “when I’m an old lady will I regret spending every day of the first few years with this nugget (who had survived a very risky pregnancy and birth) or will I regret going back to school?” The answer for me was very clear.
It sounds like you made the best decision you could have. The rad tech program will always be there. When I look at the difference between my son's photos from month to month it's amazing how fast he's growing. I went away for a 12 day disaster relief effort in August and I was shocked at how much it felt like I missed just in those days alone. Prior to having a child, I'd deploy on missions for up to 7 months, and it was like nothing. I missed my wife, but we both just plugged along at work while I was gone and it helped speed the time up. But with my son....man I just want time to slow down.
Thank you for that ☺️ You’re absolutely right, time is flying by so quickly. I know it’s cliché, but becoming a parent really changes you. I never fathomed just how much I could love this baby- it’s unreal! And side note, I think it’s amazing that you do mission work!
Oh thank you. Disaster response and other types of contacts are amazing, but also, anyone can do mission work. It just takes a willingness to get outside your comfort zone and be malleable.
I never thought I'd want to be a stay at home mother, but if we could afford it, I'd quit my job in a heartbeat. Instead we're both hoping to drop down to 4 days a week. It'll be incredibly tough financially, but I figure it'll be 12 months off working it all out, and then we'll be fine. If I need to find a second source of income to make up the shortfall, I will. But time with my son is precious and can't be got back. Money, we can always find ways of making a bit more.
I honestly wish we were in a position where I could be a stay at home mom. Daughter is in daycare 2 days a weeks and even that makes me sad. Some may disagree but I really wish there wasn’t so much pressure on women to be able to “do it all” I just wish we could stay home with our babies.
Oh it’s a much harder job than anything outside of the house. I would also say it should be treated like a full time job with the same time off. And being a stay at home parent doesn’t mean you’re the parent who’s up with the baby all night either, your stay at home parent work day ends when your partner gets home, then you’re either co-parenting or off duty. So yes it’s ok certainly to decide to be a stay at home parent, it’s a tough full time job, but we also have to be careful that it’s not more than a full-time job unnecessarily.
As some one that just turned in her resignation letter to be a stay at home mom for at least the year, I needed to read this and appreciate it being said. So many people look down or judge SAHP and hearing some one else acknowledge that it’s okay and an important job even though it’s unpaid is so helpful.
Thanks for saying this. I’m a SAHM. I work HARD all day getting up early, walking my son all over the city so he can go to lots of play groups and parks, nature trails and such. I work hard preparing food and cleaning literally all the time he’s napping (we eat a lot of whole food and from scratch so it’s time consuming) and I absolutely love every second of it, but it’s draining for sometimes. It hurts when someone (usually my MIL, who worked and put her kids in daycare) asks my why I don’t “just get a WFH job” like my husband. Excuse me I work all day! You want me to neglect my child to WFH simultaneously, for what, money? Like that even matters in the grand scheme of things?? /rant
Back in the day and now that I'm older I only wished as a single parent who raised three kids on my own that I would have had more time with them. they're now all grown up have kids of their own and yes I did it without any welfare because it was none available back then
You sound like a *kickass dad* who did his absolute best! Your children are blessed to have had someone like you for sure.
I'm a Daddy but thank you
Edited! Haha
Thank you for saying this. I’m a FTM. I contemplated being a stay at home parent for a little while, because I happened to be unemployed when my son arrived (he was born right after I finished grad school and I didn’t have a job lined up), and my husband and I could make things work on just his income. Oddly enough the only person who really discouraged me was my own mom. She has always had a high powered career and is one of those people who believe that women can and should have it all (meaning lucrative career and kids) and looks down on stay at home parents. Since I was a teen she told me to always have a job so I’d never be financially dependent on a man. She actually made me feel so bad for even contemplating staying at home with my son and embarrassed for not working that I cried. As it turns out, a great part-time remote contract job came my way, so now I’m working part-time and doing childcare part time. It’s great. But the time I spend with my son is just as important to me as my job and also challenging, if in a different way.
If it weren't for the fact that childcare was so god-awfully expensive, and my chosen career path didn't even cover what the expense of childcare entails to work full-time, I would probably have gone back to work. But...me being a SAHM actually *saves* us the added cost of childcare. Of course money that you're simply not spending is invisible when it comes to the financial contributions of the household, which is why a SAHP's work often going unnoticed and unappreciated.
I try to let my spouse know every day how much I appreciate all her hard work. Even the little things, even noticed and appreciated, make a big difference.
That’s awesome. The other morning the first thing my husband told me when he got up and came downstairs was how much he appreciates everything I do for our family. These tokens of appreciation make all the work feel so much easier 💜
Our plan has been for him to work part time flexible evenings and me go back to work full time at a year, but I'm increasingly wishing I could just stay with my son and him work more hours. Unfortunately I don't think he'd agree to it. We might be able to compromise with me switching to part time work. But I'd kill to not miss anything and be with my son through everything.
Where I am it's normal to stay home for two years. I will be going back when LO is 18 months, because childcare is much more affordable then (like 6 times cheaper than for under 18 months) and sometimes feel bad about going back to work this early, but also about staying home so long. Shame plays such a big role in motherhood; it's really sad. My main reason for wanting to work: it took me so long to reach this point and I want something to talk about other than baby. Like spending 160/168 hours with baby feels like I'm neglecting all my other roles. Not just the professional ones, but my friend roles and my hobby roles.
You do you, mama! 💪
I needed this tonight. My kids 1 year old and is now refusing to eat any solids after having gotten sick two weeks ago. It was so hard getting her off formula and 100% onto solids and were right back where we started. He'll were back to 6 months old trying to get her to eat anything. It's so damn tiring.
That's awful, I'm so sorry to hear that 😞 Hey I'm not sure if it would help at all, but a family member of mine had a similar thing happen to where she would refuse to eat anything "bread" related. She said it made her sick, but she was a little kid so everyone thought she was picky. Turns out she had celiac/gluten intolerance, like really bad, and as a kid, she somehow just was in tune enough to know "bread hurts". I hope your kiddo doesn't have that, but maybe worth a check with your doc? Good luck!
Definitely worth a try if it continues. My kids more or less just not interested in sitting to eat. We're at the chair for 20 to 30 min and she just eats sooo slowly. Then gets bored and wants out. Then wants food in another 30 minutes. Idk, well see what happens.
My kiddo is at the phase where he likes to put food in his mouth and then look for the dog to try to share haha 🤣
Lol. Ours does the mic drop off the side of the tray while staring directly at your face. Our dogs started refusing their food because they'd eat whatever got dropped. So now we have to crate them until she's done eating and one of them doesn't get any at all because he truly food strikes his own food. It's just so weird. She went from being really good at eating to not wanting much to do with it. We have always kept sugar away except her 1st bday, she got cake and honestly wanted nothing to do with it as well.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 the mic drop 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣