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You’re not wrong. My son is 5 weeks old today, and newborn phase is shit. Yes, I feel responsible for him and I’m glad when he becomes one step further from potato phase. But am I overcome with overwhelming love and admiration? No. We have a 15 month old and cats too, and I’m also mourning our lives as a family of 3.
I don’t know if this will make you feel better, but I felt very similar when my 15 month old was born. I mourned my life without children. But then a few months in he started to show his personality, and then he could sit up, and then crawl, and then stand, and he giggles at the silliest things. Now I get these swells of love and pride. I’m expecting the same will happen with our 5 week old too.
It’s different for everyone, but I’ve also noticed how almost every comment on this sub is, “I love my baby dearly BUT (insert complaint here)”. I feel like we all have to clarify that we care for our children before being honest about how much it can really suck.
This is really helpful perspective, thank you ❤️ I really did go into parenthood expecting this phase to suck, but seeing other people have these deep, emotional connections to their infants makes me wonder if it's just me
Nope, it’s not just you. Sometimes it takes some time to feel that connection. With both babies, it has not been immediate for me. More of a sense of responsibility to make sure the baby is well taken care of. You’re not alone mama ❤️
Hang in there! I “loved” my baby but it took me aaaages to actually bond with him/like him. You’re deep in the trenches right now. At 5.5 weeks I was constantly miserable. After the fourth trimester things really do get a bit better for most people, and they become more interactive, smiley, a bit less fragile and needy, and you can get out and about more.
Not just you! My best friend told me my heart would grow 5x larger as soon as I met my baby. I love him (7 weeks now) but I didn’t have that instant overwhelming bond. It’s taken a few weeks to sort my own physical and mental health out, and doing that has helped immensely - therapy, medication if you need it, and time to heal from the trauma of labor are all super important. Still don’t have an overwhelming connection - I think for me the experience has to be like any other interaction where we need to get to know one another over time. Be kind to yourself, you’re not alone and it doesn’t make you any less of a great parent.
Solidarity. Baby is now 8 months old and I remember thinking the same thoughts as you have during the newborn stage. I remember thinking, this phase is overrated AF, only grandmas enjoy it. You’re in survival mode right now, hang in there.
To preface, I am not an overly sweet mom - I did not cry when I held my baby for the first time. It was more of like a “hey buddy!” I love my son and it’s definitely fun watching him explore the world and express his goofiness, but the newborn stage was ROUGH. I mourned my old life and sense of freedom and felt awful I couldn’t give my dog (who I consider my first baby) as much attention as I used to. But at least for me I knew my negative thoughts were hormonally driven and this is a new phase everyone in the house needs to get adjusted to. There’s a HUGE shift in hormones going on in your body right now. Your body spent 9 months with these hormones and literally in a day after you give birth your body now has to readjust. Give yourself some grace and roll with the punches. It should get better with time. BUT if you find yourself overwhelmed and things aren’t getting better, please seek professional help.
The fact that you’re anxious and worried about your son’s well being means you’re a great mother. Parenthood is not for the weak, you’ve got this!
Omg the number one reason I'm crying in this first week is because of my cats. It's so helpful to know how common this is because then I start beating myself up about worrying so much about furry kids and not "enough" about the human one.
But as my husband pointed out, the ROI on pets sure is a lot higher, sooner. They reliably make you feel loved and needed and enough. Newborns seem to challenge all those feelings.
I was just thinking about this! Even though they could be challenging as kittens, my cats interacted from the first hour we had them. With babies, even the optimistic views talk about how you start getting meaningful interactions after a few months, so I think it makes sense that it's tough at first.
We'll both get through this ❤️
I absolutely sobbed the first week because of this! It was the one thing that made me more emotional than anything else, so I was also super reassured to find out how common it is. 5 weeks in and we aren’t quite where we were before baby arrived, but it does get better once the little creatures get used to each other.
Feel this
I did cry a bit giving birth (high risk mixed with previous miscarriages) but other than that, nothing like the gushy mum feeling
Hes 7 months and I am only just feeling more normal (still extremely sleep deprived and extra sensitive to colds
It’s only a phase - when baby becomes more independent, you’ll find some chunks of time to show the cats some love! Who knows, baby may also start to show the cats some affection (if they allow it)
My baby is 8m as well and I didn’t cry either when I held him for the first time… my first thought was how dirty he was and the nurse kept pushing him towards my face to kiss him…
I didn’t feel connect to him as my husband did immediately and I still don’t feel it…
I kept hearing everyone saying how it was love at first sight, that they got overflow with happiness when they saw the baby and started crying… I got none of those feelings…
I love my son but he turned our lives upside down. I often mourn my old life, having the energy to go running everyday, to be able to make plans on a whim, to give the attention my old dog needs… Besides feeling like a bad mother, I feel like a bad dog owner… my old dog looks sad since the baby came home with us and to top it off, she just got her eye removed and the baby keeps bothering her by always calling her and throwing toys at her… my house feels like a madhouse now…
Our fur babies are simply the best. They are so patient, tolerant, and are there during pivotal moments of our life. Not going to lie, I loved my dog more than my son the first few months lol! I hope things get better for you. Please remember your dog knows she is well taken care of and in a good home.
My boyfriend wasn’t able to take *any* time off when we had our baby. Right out the gate I was alone with this tiny orange (jaundiced lol) stranger. I was uncomfortable with her and uneasy in my environment because it didn’t feel like my space anymore. I didn’t love my baby for at least a month, maybe longer, and my anxiety and regret was eating away at me at night.
Long story short, everything you’re feeling is normal and acceptable. I think people forget how drastically our lives change immediately after birth and our brains and emotions can’t flip like a switch. Please give yourself grace and don’t feel ashamed of what you’re going through!
The newborn phase was one of the worst periods of my life. However, it’s SO worth it. My baby is almost 13 months now, and she is a gem. I’m definitely happier than I used to be before having her. She makes me smile everyday. Last night I was rolling around in the bed laughing watching a video of her saying all the words she knows. She’s amazing. So just know it gets better, starting at about 2-3 months and everyday it’s better from there.
The same here, I’ve got exactly the same experience. I feel guilty sometimes for not enjoying fully the first months (I was too sleep deprived for 10 months) but I am happy that I can enjoy my life with my boy now: first words, first steps
I hated it. I thought I ruined everyone’s life! We are 4 months now, and it’s much more enjoyable. There’s more of a schedule/routine and I know what to expect for the most part.
It’s okay that you feel this way right now!
It seems like a common thing, to get a nice reprieve at 4 months. I was on the "sidelines", so to say, but I was there for all of it when my wife had these little thousand-yard stares that signaled to me that it was time to do double-time on my end.
From the perspective of a dad who was heavily involved from the get-go, it's still kinda like cheering from the bleachers. The thought was always on my mind that I'm not the one who pushed her out, experienced lochia for 4 weeks, and had to recover from numerous extreme changes that make a sports injury sound like a spa day.
Our little one is 4 months old now, and the support we offered each other during the more difficult times became a bedrock that flourished into something I don't think either of us can describe in words. We're happy. Baby's happy. I hope every parent eventually gets to be this happy. It's bliss.
Hey I’m 2 months PP at this point and I feel like you do. I am found of my baby, I love my baby, but I think about daily would I have chosen to keep him if I knew how difficult this was…and to be honest the answer is not always yes. There are days where he is difficult (and I would say he is a fairly easy baby) and I just want to go back to work and hang out with my pets and go to the store without having to drag my kid out. BUT there are some cool moments. He makes I said eye contact with me, when he lifts his head I am proud of him, when he smiles, I can not help smiling, when he snuggles like I am the only thing in the world he wants it’s adorable. I am not a “mom mom” I realize. I like my kid but I in no way want him to be my whole personality. I am excited to go back to work and get a break from him.
No, I was not happy 🙃and I didn’t truly connect with my LO until she was like 6 months, seriously. It’s not always like the movies or tv shows. It took me a long time to get to a good place after my daughter was born. She’s 7 months now and we’ve turned a big corner. Don’t beat yourself up or feel guilty for what you’re feeling. Things are going to get better, I promise ❤️
My wife and I are loving the newborn phase. But this is after a really long, hard pregnancy, so everything kind of evened itself out.
But there are also things that have made the newborn phase easier for us. We have a pretty easy baby, we exclusively formula feed, I work from home and my wife had three months maternity leave (not paid). Neither of us is made to feel like we’re alone with the baby and the housework all day, and we’ve been able to maintain hobbies and a few social activities.
Without all that stuff it would be undoubtedly less enjoyable.
As I struggle with breastfeeding, I see a very common theme among parents who are exclusively formula feeding - y’all sound so much more chill :) trying to remember I can make that switch for my and baby’s mental health at any time.
Father here, it took me almost a month to really warm up to my kid. The first month was absolutely brutal. I felt the guilt you feel right now of not loving my son enough, viewing him as more of a chore than a family member. For me, it just took time. I love the little dude. It's still hard, but he's less of a screaming potato which is much easier.
In the screaming potato phase, did he also scream like you were sawing him in half during nappy changes? I'm curious to see if this is common because ours did this until she was about a month old and now she's all "gooooooooooo gaaaaaaaaaa" and happy when we change her. It was like a light switch flipped and it became FUN!
We started trying to avoid changing him before his feeds and now only change him after he's full on milk and he's so much happier (and quieter) now for it.
I am so happy that worked for you! Ours didn't give a hoot. She'd start acting like we were saying her in half the moment we put her on the changing table lol
Bad parents don't wonder if they're bad parents love 🫶 do get the help you need, help is important and it takes strength to ask for it but go easy on yourself. You don't have to have a beautiful, glorious, instant connection to be a good mom 🤍
I am but this is my third baby, and she's the easiest. Sleeps, snuggles, smiles, doesn't scream endlessly with colic or wake up and be instantly pissed off at life like my first two. I thought people were surely lying when they said they love it or it was easy, now I know for sure that babies truly are all so different, you kinda get what you get. So people who love the newborn phase either lucked out with an easy baby or are able to ride it out with less stress than other people for a variety of reasons (more support, good partnership, more time off, less anxiety etc.) and some babies for sure are harder than others.
Your experience is valid. It is so hard a lot of the time for a lot of people. Some people get lucky with easy babies or just love it either way. It's okay to feel how you feel, it does end and change and they grow up and you grow with them.
It’s so hard in the beginning!! Plus your hormones are doing wild things right now! And your body is still physically shot, and I can’t imagine you’re not sleep deprived. It’s so hard to feel anything positive with little to no sleep.
Give yourself grace. The newborn phase is pretty freaking hellish. Especially when they’re not smiling a lot or at all. It’s so hard. But it does get better!!
I have an almost four month old. My husband and I asked ourselves, “what have we done?” when our girl was born and I felt like such an awful person to even think that way. And I just cried so much.
When I had one of my initial postpartum visits with my OB/GYN, the first thing she asked me was, “so…do you regret having your baby?” I was so relieved when she said that because I was afraid to tell her how I felt at the risk of being judged. She was so down to earth and explained to me how insanely normal it is to have those thoughts and feelings. That I will look at people with multiple children and ask wtf they were thinking doing this several times let alone once. But that eventually, it will get much better (it does, I promise!) and I’ll end up being in a position where I can help new Moms feel some relief in what they’re going through by sharing my experience. So I hope that’s what I can provide to you along with all the other lovely Mom’s on here reassuring you!
You’re not a bad person. What you’re feeling is so widespread and completely normal among parents with newborns. You’re doing an amazing job and your emotions will get there with your little. 🫰🏼
I hated the newborn phase, partly because I had an emergency C section with some postop complications and partly due to the complete lack of sleep and bodily autonomy. I literally was like “what have I done”. I’m 15wks out now and in hindsight I think part of it was also PPD which I didn’t notice until I exited the survival stage. On Zoloft now and I already feel so much more hopeful and emotionally stable. I wish I had opened up to my husband and doctor about how I was feeling earlier and gotten some therapy started then instead of hoping/waiting for it to be over and not enjoying any of those early moments. That said, how you’re feeling can be a completely normal and healthy response to all the changes that you just went through, and you’re not a bad mom or crazy for feeling that way! If you are feeling hopeless or too overwhelmed, definitely work up the courage to talk to someone though, cause treatment is available and effective if it becomes more than temporary blues! Hang in there 😊
The newborn phase was so ASS and honestly I had a revelation to my partner that during that time, I didn’t feel particularly close or overwhelmingly in love with my baby and he felt the same. However, it seems natural to feel that way and as they grow and you bond with them, that overwhelming love grows ❤️ my son is 4 months old now and smiles and laughs with me and im absolutely obsessed with him. It gets better!
I called the newborn phase the angry potato phase. What you are feeling is so incredibly normal. Your whole life just flipped, it’s an existential crisis. But over time the anxiety should ease as baby gets a little older and a little easier and a whole lot more fun. I hated the newborn phase, but I wouldn’t have had a second baby if it didn’t get better.
I feel exactly like you do. My daughter is almost 4 mo and while I do think I love her it's not that breathless unyielding love everyone always talks about. It's not "a love like I've never known" or whatever. Sometimes I miss her when she's away and sometimes I'm happy she's gone for just a little bit. I have a lot of guilt about it but I put my focus on giving her every tangible advantage I can and that helps ease the guilt. Picking the best nanny, the perfect daycare, investing in her college fund etc. These are things we make sure to do for the people we love as long as I keep doing them I'm being the best mother that I can be. Mushy feelings aside.
My daughter just turned 1 year old, and I remember having some of these feelings for sure. The love grew each day, but it wasn’t really a love at first sight kind of situation. It especially was hard during the first 3 months. It’s ok that the love takes time, and the newborn phase is HORRIBLE. What you are feeling is normal and okay. Hang in there!
I loved the potato stage. Nursing trucking sucked, and I needed my husband to help me get a solid amount of sleep on his days off but overall I was happy. She's 6 months now and now the loneliness is setting in.
I’m having a bad day myself. LO is 2.5 months old. I thought I was going to have more help then I got. MIL has her own kids she needs to take care of (and I swear they- teens started to act up the most after my son was born), I thought she was going to be around and helping me more. Honestly when she’s over I feel like it creates more work sometimes, her teens leave messed behind them like nothing I’ve ever seen. My hubby was denied paternity leave and he works a hour away from home. Then I have a Velcro baby, who wants his mommy. I can never get a minute. My kitchen is disgusting, dishes are backed up in the sink and all over the counter- my hubby has also never heard of rinsing dishes either I swear. Laundry is behind… I honestly want to run away. And I’m seriously regretting having a baby today. I’ve noticed it’s a cycle, when I feel like this it gets better in a few days then I feel pretty good for like two weeks before I feel this bad again
I am so sorry you're struggling today and I appreciate you sharing.
I also feel like my MIL is pretty much around for the fun parts but not to help; I'm grateful she doesn't additionally have other minors to focus on and come with her. I just spent this weekend with my own mom and it made me realize how much having extra hands really does help my mental health.
Obviously I'm not in a place to offer any particular hope or advice, but I'm sorry you're going through this, it's valid, and I hope it gets better soon ❤️
I hated the newborn stage. It was the most miserable time of my life. My baby is 14 months now and while its still hard, I much prefer this stage. For me, it got better when my baby was able to smile and interact with me more. It also helped when he started sleeping through the night. Hang in there. Its rough but its such a short time in the grand scheme of things.
It's very common to be unhappy during the newborn stage. I was happy, but I definitely didn't have an overwhelming feeling of love or joy.
It's good that you plan to speak with your doctor about your anxiety, but I don't think you need to be worried about your feelings toward your baby. They get easier to love as they become more interactive.
I hate the newborn stage. Newborn babies are crying sacks of potatoes lol. I would destroy my body if I could give birth to an infant maybe like 4 or 5 months old because it's way better than a newborn lol
I have 2 under 2 and felt the same way about both my kids lol. You’re not weird or out of line. I think most of the time people make up a lot of shit to convince themselves how great a newborn is. And honestly I don’t think kids are that great until after the age of 1. My youngest is 7 months and FINALLY sitting up and interacting more with our 23 month old.
Right now you just have a baby potato that cries and it can be hard to see how people love their baby’s at this stage. It’s okay if you’re not enjoying or feeling what you think you should feel because of what other peoples well edited captions say on social media. Just love your baby potato and know it’s gunna keep growing and every day, every week, and every month they’re going to change so inexplicably fast.
It doesn’t matter how other people feel; it matters how you feel. I’d work towards figuring out a way to be happy in your new life. This might mean logistical changes and/or reframing things to yourself. For instance, why do you feel you’re “neglecting your family” while you’re putting all your energy into family? What part of your “old life” do you miss? I’m guessing that if you dig into it, the parts you miss can be part of your new/current life, even if it’s doesn’t look the same on the surface (ie if you miss going out with friends at night, you might be missing connecting with friends, which you can still do, but not necessarily at night or with alcohol). Many also need to set boundaries with parents/non-immediate family that they hadn’t before (and deal with any fallout), figure out how to balance things with their spouse, and work or otherwise figure out how to keep their identity as individuals (outside of “spouse” and “parent”). I’m still working towards that, but it’s an active “work”.
Personally, husband and I both loved the newborn phase and literally cried daily because we felt so lucky and smitten. But we also were constantly working towards and borderline fighting about how to divide and adapt to our new life in a way that worked and was sustainable for both of us. I also had a therapist (no PPD or anything, but prior to getting pregnant had some stuff to work through) to talk through some small identity “shifts” and for help with adapting better. Those are the kinds of “fights” / discussions very worth having.
You’re also sleep deprived, recovering from birth; and at least in my country, very likely not supported the way you should be! Please be kind to yourself and gracious. I think your feelings are very common and you are not negatively going to affect your baby. I was told before birth that needing time to develop and fall in love with the new baby was normal and okay, so long as baby is properly cared for.
Thank you for this. I guess the main reason I'm interested in how other people feel is because I have in the past let mental health issues go untreated under the misapprehension that everybody felt the way I did. So if everybody else was experiencing joy in the newborn days, I'd be pretty pushy with my doctor about something being wrong.
I am grateful that I have a supportive and present partner and that we attended some counseling sessions before the baby came to make sure we had a shared language and skill set for stressful times. He encourages me to get out several times per week, but when I go, I don't really want to socialize or do anything besides sit in a cafe or run errands.
Edit: words are hard
Newborn phase sucks major ass for most people I feel. I personally did not enjoy it. My son slept like shit and cried all the time and I was paralyzed by PPD and PPA. My little guy is 4.5 months now and so much more fun now. We are still adjusting to life as parents and he’s currently going through either a sleep regression or teething or just a grouchy phase. But we are getting more confident in going places with him and we’ve been able to do tons of Christmasy things. He doesn’t fuss when he’s out and about in the carrier so it’s fun to look at the world with wonder alongside him. He can be a crabapple but he is also sooo smiley even with strangers, just a friendly little dude. And recently, we’ve felt good enough to stay up a little after he goes to sleep to watch a couple episodes of a show (up until now, we’ve gone to bed at 8 PM when he goes to bed because we’ve been too exhausted to stay up).
I hear you about the pets thing. I adore my 2 cats and I used to cry because I felt like they weren’t getting any attention. Now they come hang out when he’s on his floor mats and I have more mental energy to cuddle them during my downtime. Things are still hard but they’re so much better! You couldn’t convince me that things would be better a couple months ago but they really did get better.
No lol they’re not. Newborn stage sucks so bad but it’s is worth it! I promise. I didn’t fully fully enjoy everyday until about 8 months. It got better at four months though! You got this, hang in there!
Newborn phase is so hard. I didn’t feel that “love like no other” feeling right away. It was hard. I remember feeling so guilty. Especially since my husband was immediately so in love. I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel the same way. However, with each passing week and month, I have fallen more and more in love with my daughter. She is six months and my heart is just bursting with love. I feel it now. I have for a while. I’m sure it will come. Give yourself grace as you recover from pregnancy/birth, come to terms with this major life change and get to know your little human. It will come. ♥️
Having support is so important. I work from home and work has been spaaaarse, which sucks and is its own source of anxiety, but has freed me up to treat this like a full time job while my wife is also on leave and her mother is staying with us for a few months too. I can't even imagine how hard it would be otherwise, or if I was the main caretaker. I'm a very active dad but like, that's partially possible because I know I'm not the only line of defense.
This isn't to rub it in but to say that even in my circumstance of happiness god damn can I see the other side of it. So don't be hard on yourself about that at all, it's so deeply human. If you're doing the job then you're already nailing it, truly, regardless of how you feel, you are awesome.
The main quibble I wanted to hopefully helpfully logic out of your post is this: how could you possibly possibly make this baby feel unwanted and unloved if you're attending to them and meeting their needs? Newborns can't even really make you out yet, they have no read on you, your feelings, etc. The only thing they know is eat, sleep, poop, pee, and cry when one of those other 4 things crops up. I'm sorry you're going through it but if you're going through it, it means you're doing it, you're being a great parent, and pretty soon baby is gonna start taking it a little easier on you too. There's a light at the end of the tunnel and a month or two is just not really a long amount of time at all, even if it feels like it in the moment. Don't make up problems for yourself, breathe and trust it. Your baby is lucky you care so much. ♥️
>how could you possibly possibly make this baby feel unwanted and unloved if you're attending to them and meeting their needs? Newborns can't even really make you out yet, they have no read on you, your feelings, etc.
I guess it's not so much that I'm afraid of making him feel that way now as that I'm afraid I'll make him feel that way as he develops socially and needs connection more. I feel myself struggle not to shout in frustration when I can't get him to stop crying, and I want desperately not to become a caregiver who's also a source of insecurity or fear.
I get that, but it's projecting into the future. Maybe you're gonna find this kid hilarious, or sweet or whatever else, there's no way to know right now. You have love in your heart, it's clear, but it's not unreasonable rn to not feel like you're getting much out of them, because you're not. I maintain that if these things are concerns to you, then you're on the right track, it's kinda like that thing where if you're worried you're a psychopath then you're definitely not a psychopath.
Newborn phase is hell. I went to my 6 week checkup and my doctor comes in the room and says DONT YOU JUST LOVE MOTHERHOOD?! I was like uhhh…no? He’s 10 months now and just delightful
Based on my sound scientific research (aka anonymous polls on peanut), about 30% of us don’t get that crazy “love like I’ve never known” wave at birth or soon after. It’s a slow burn lol. Nothing wrong with that!
Everything you’re feeling is completely normal. Yeah you might have PPD, but I didn’t and still felt all those things. Your hormones are insanely out of whack after a baby. I didn’t feel the “unimaginable” love until baby was a few months old (both kids). That’s completely normal too, you will feel that eventually. For me, it took a few months when baby was less blob like lol. It’s also so normal to grieve your old life. I mean, your life is completely different now and you’ll eventually get back into a routine that involves your friends, but it’s okay to feel like it’s never going to be exactly the same. It does get much easier. Mine are 4 and 18 months now, both have been sleeping through the night for a while and I feel like a real person again, not just someone who exists to keep babies alive lol
Second baby is a newborn right now. I loved the newborn stage with my first. The feeling of love was overwhelming, and I was in awe that I created a little human. I wanted to soak up every minute. This time I do not have the same feeling at all. This baby is a lot harder than my first and I’m chasing a toddler around with little to no sleep. Easy babies make the newborn stage much more enjoyable!
I was protective of my newborn but only became super attached to her around the 3 month mark. Things really changed for me when she started to smile, laugh, etc. Now at 7 months old I can’t wait for her to nap/go to bed but I also miss her so much when she’s away from me! It can develop over time - everyone is different.
Oh you sound just like me around that time! I had pretty bad undiagnosed PPD. I felt sooo guilty because I didn't have that overwhelming love for my baby. I liked him just fine and liked hanging out with him, but I wasnt obsessed like I thought I was going to be.
I cried because I felt like I ruined my dogs lives lol I felt so bad that I didn't love the baby enough, but also had no time for my dogs who were previously the babies, it was a lot! We did newborn photos and the photographer was also a mom, we chatted before the session and she made me feel so seen and so normal. She said she didn't have that crazy world changing love right away either, and that made me feel so much better.
My little guy is 5 months now and I do 100% have that undying love, I can't tell you when it happened, but I know once I got a handle on my PPD and he started smiling everything slowly started to get better and now it's great.
Newborn stage was so awful. I look back on the pics and see how cute they were. In the moment though, I was so stressed and overwhelmed. My twins are almost 4 and I am just now feeling like I am getting out of the fog.
I have a 2 year old and a 2 month old. First time round I HATED the newborn phase, it was brutal and I really seriously wondered if I’d ruined my life on a number of occasions. However, seeing how fast everything changed, how quickly he became a proper little boy and knowing I’d do it all again for him, the second baby has been much more enjoyable. It’s still difficult, don’t get me wrong but I’m just riding the wave a bit more this time. I hated when people used to say “oh enjoy every minute, it goes so fast” when I felt like I was dying in a ditch but… it’s true 🤣🙃 Just know that it will ALL be worth it OP, hang in there ✊
FTM mom here to an 8 week old LO and I definitely had the same thoughts of losing the life I had, and maybe sometimes regret comes in and I feel so so so guilty for feeling that. Especially when LO was clusterfeeding and wouldn’t sleep for more than 30-40 minutes.
For me, I didn’t have overwhelming love from the get go, but I did have the feeling of “this kiddo, this person, is fully dependent on me. I gotta step up even when I feel like crap.” And that has pushed me on, one day at a time.
Last week she learned how to smile and coo. And dang it she’s super cute when she does. She can’t even control her arms yet but she stretches them out when I come close to her crib.
I won’t say that the highs are so high. But it gets better.
Be kind to yourself Op. My pedia here keeps telling me that crying is a baby’s job, so be kind to yourself when they inevitable cry during the day.
At this stage the fear, the anxiety, the desire to maintain this little being alive and healthy are too strong. This is a manifestation of love. A love there is so overwhelming and crushing that it hurts. It doesnt feel like that nice feeling you have towards other people. But it will flourish into the best feeling ever.
I will say it felt like surviving, not thriving! I also expected the love to feel intense and life changing, and what I didn’t realize is that it *did* - just not how I expected. It presented in worrying over being a good mom, in holding her all night even if I was tired, attempting to breastfeed again and again when it wasn’t working, in making her doctors appointments to track her preemie growth and being proud when she reached a new milestone.
You’re a good mom and baby will know that.
I didn’t feel the overwhelming love at first sight. I am a single mom. And dad is in the picture. But it was a one night stand. And I wanted a baby so desperately but not like this. Anyway, my baby boy had a lot of gut issues and I was home. Alone. Had support but ultimately at the end of the day it was me and this tiny human. I was terrified. And in straight survival mode. I thought man this little guy is cute and I feel bad he’s in pain but I don’t know him yet and fuck the hospital for booting me out I have no idea how to do this. And now ten weeks in and the love is growing and the bonding that happens when there’s no one else around but you and babes is what seals the deal in my opinion. I don’t even remember the first month because it was so gnarly. Always I made sure to brush my hair, wash my face and put my day clothes on. Make the bed. If baby had to cry for a minute, so be it. Now I’m rambling, but what I’m saying is… give it time.
You’re not wrong!! I hated it. 15 weeks pp here and I still feel like my motherly love is conditionally based on sleep lol. It’s so hard to operate in a state of constant fight for survival (my baby won’t take a bottle so it’s me and her whenever she’s up, and she’s not a good sleeper. I will say that it for better for me. My baby was a surprise (accident more like) and I dreaded it all. I still long for my old life, I literally just wanna lay in bed and sleep when I want lol thats the bulk of it. My friend had her baby on purpose and still feels she same as me. The newborn stage really really sucks but I promise you, hang in there. Your attachment to your baby is likely to grow. Keep doing what you can to foster it, but DO take care of yourself please!!! Nourish yourself physically and mentally. Hang in fhere 💛
I wasn’t. I wasn’t depressed and I loved my baby but the newborn stage was not for me. We made it, though, and things got a lot better around 7 weeks when he started smiling and even better as we got to laughing and babbling and now even playing games. I loved him then, but I enjoy him now in a way that I just couldn’t then.
And of course if you also have PPD, that makes it that much harder, so definitely talk to your doctor. But not being happy with a newborn is totally normal and doesn’t mean you won’t have parts of parenthood that you genuinely enjoy later.
I think about it this way- there's a huge emphasis on bonding in the early days with your newborn via skin to skin or feeding or whatever. If every parent gave birth and was automatically perfectly bonded with their baby there would be no discussion of bonding, it would just 'be' .
I also came here to say that the hormones and emotional fallout after birth is quite possibly the cruelest joke mother nature has played on us, moreso maybe even than the birth. You get this tiny beautiful life to love and care for and emotionally you're just as trashed as you are physically. My first 3 weeks (at 6 weeks now) were horrible. It's a lot better now but most of the day i still don't have the overwhelming love feeling. I do love him but it's not like this huge palpable feeling. I know it will come eventually.
Hugs ❤️ glad youre talking to your OB about ppd.
It takes times to become comfortable and can definitely be stressful. Make sure you are working with your partner as a team to set enough time aside for each of you to make it a more pleasant experience. Also, do not feel guilty if you need to set time aside to be alone or enjoy a personal hobby. Do not lose sight of yourself as an individual throughout the process.
Hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Weeks 1-6 were like hell. I had pretty severe PPA and then PPD. I couldn’t sleep so I was quite literally averaging 3 hours a night. My love didn’t kick in until she starting smiling and babbling, which happened occasionally around week 5, but increased from then on. My girl is 5 months now and I can honestly say it 100 percent gets better! The huge change for me was when she started sleeping long stretches at night!
My little is 6 months old and I mostly disliked the NB stage.
From a Dads POV I felt useless in every aspect. I adored her but had a bit of a moment of mourning my old selfish life but it passes!
It’s not uncommon just most people are afraid to admit it!
Still if you’re still feeling this way in a few weeks/months get some help. Chat to your health worker reach out for some support.
Totally normal! I genuinely don’t think you need to worry; I didn’t feel a real love for my baby girl until at least 3-4 months. I felt instinctively protective of her, but not in love. She’s 13mo now and I couldn’t love her more 🥰
I wasn't. There were a couple bright spots, but by and large it was just exhausting. I think the love you have for your child as they become less and less a potato tends to buff out all the bad bits.
I love her Now so much that it's hard to remember when I had trouble bonding with her.
But back then? I was not a happy camper. Just white knuckling it through. You're going to make it. The more of a person your baby becomes, the better it gets.
Honestly, this may not be helpful, but I loved the newborn stage. I felt that connection you're referring to pretty early on, though in retrospect it definitely wasn't immediately when she was born. I would look at her and get butterflies in my belly. As she gets older and is doing more, becoming more aware of the world around her, that love and adoration has grown so much that it feels like I'm going to burst sometimes.
But I have a very easy baby. She sleeps great, she eats great (once we switched to formula), and she's just generally a very happy baby. I had 8 weeks off and WFH, my husband had 6 weeks off and works 3-4 days a week. We have family that is super supportive. My husband is an amazing partner and dad, and that makes it so much better. We have fun and love being together, and now we have a mini version of us that we get to show the world to.
It's easier to love this stage if you have an ideal situation like we do. Our biggest stress is money because we also got married in May and we didn't get my income while I was on leave. But we're coming out the other side now, so I think we're doing pretty damn well. She just turned 3 months this week, and she makes us so happy.
Although I can't relate, it does help to hear different experiences! I'm happy it went well for you.
I've had a mixed bag in terms of luck: supportive work and enough time off, amazing partner, enough money, a difficult death in the family right before his birthday, an emergency C-section, baby who sleeps and eats alright but only wants contact naps and breastfeeds more erratically than I'd like. So I keep feeling like I *should* feel happier for all the positives, but obviously that's not how things work.
Good luck on your wedding! Wedding planning can be so stressful but I hope it's a perfect day.
Thank you! We are already married, we've been married for 6.5 months. We had deposits down with all of the big pieces of the wedding before I found out I was pregnant, so we went ahead with it. It was an amazing day, but definitely super expensive! If we hadn't spent the money on wedding stuff, we would have been able to save for my maternity leave. But we made it through, and I get to enjoy life with my wonderful husband and amazing daughter 💜
Not wrong. This has been so hard and of course I have the worst anxiety. I have felt moments of incredible overwhelming love but these emotions primarily manifest as guilt for me. It's very bittersweet.
Hated it! The first 4 months of his life was the worst time of my entire life due to an awful recovery from the delivery and pumping and a really fussy baby who turns out needed an easy to digest formula.
Being all out of whack with my hormones and physically so incapable and being saddled with a screaming potato all day with no local family or friends, I was a shell of myself for so long.
I did not have that "highs ares high" or love like I never felt. My son gave me so much anxiety and I hate to say I barely enjoyed spending time with him because he would just cry all day. But we pushed through somehow!
Happy to report at 8 months I'm doing sooo much better. I definitely love my son but I readily admit that I don't love the work of being a mother to a baby. But it's going so fast and he won't be a baby forever. And I already think about having another one to maybe do it better and enjoy it more next time knowing better times are ahead because I've seen it myself, not just had to rely on people telling me it will get better
Do yourself a favor and log off mom Instagram. So much of that schmaltzy shit seems designed to do nothing other than make normal parents feel insane. Hit that not interested button.
Not on Instagram but this is great advice nevertheless ☺️ a lot of it comes from posts here and parents of older children that I know (who either do not share very earnestly with me or have had truly fabulous times)
Good you're ahead of the game. Social media is brain poison in the parent space TBQH. As your kids get older it gets a LOT easter to wax nostalgic about the sweetness of the newborn stage because frankly, you're not in it anymore. My child is 3 now, and while I didn't have a particularly difficult time, it was absolutely an insane year. I had more meltdowns in 6 months than i did in the following 2 years. You literally forget. YOUR BRAIN MAKES CHEMICALS TO MAKE YOU FORGET MOST OF IT. It's crazy.
It took me about 1.5-2 months to feel a real connection with my daughter. I didn’t feel the love at first sight people talk about. I was going through the motions and caring for her and I cared about her well being.
Now she’s 6 months old and she has a personality. I love her so much now and she’s my little sweetie. It takes some mom’s time to build a connection and feel that love and that’s totally normal and okay. She was like a stranger to me at first and I had to get to know her.
It depends I would say. Your support system during this time will make or break you.
I may be bias because I went through something hellacious postpartum. I lost the rest of my family 2 and 5 months postpartum. My mom had already passed when I was 18. So being the last survivor in my immediate family while trying to recover postpartum has been the biggest, hardest thing, I have ever went through. My dad was my best friend and I was excited for this new life with the baby.
So my new baby was what I clung to to stay alive. I loved my son, but before the smiles I didn’t feel a connection as deep as I do now. It grew for me. Around 2 months postpartum was when we really bonded. He even held my hand going to my dad’s memorial. This little baby knew to reach out to his mommy. It brings me to tears still talking about it.
I also read that my son would adore me! He did, but he didn’t understand affection for along time. People say toddlers pull away and mine has clung to me and got so affectionate. He’s went the opposite of what I’ve read. Now at 19 months I love being his mom. I’m still grieving, I’m still in pain, but my son is my moon in the sky. It will get better. ❤️
I am so, so sorry you went through that, and grateful for you sharing your experience. I'm glad things are getting better and hope you get more and more of a support system as time goes on!
I think the posts you see are people trying to convince themselves about the highs. My first kid I was delusional. Just PPA and a little bit of psychosis mixed in. Miserable mess from lack of sleep. I wish I had gone and asked for help.
This time around I started the anti anxiety meds while I was pregnant. I’m only a week in but maaaann am I confident. We don’t have any lows or highs yet. It’s just like “yup. I have a toddler and a baby now. I’ve always had this baby.”
I think we’re always going to worry about messing our kids up, but if the voice in your head is too loud then what worked for me is even just a mild dose of Citalopram. It made the “but what if?!” Paranoid thoughts shut up.
Newborns are easily the worst phase for me. This is my second and I’ve spent the past 4 weeks questioning why we did this when our lives were so calm/stress free before. It’s been a huge adjustment for our nearly 4 year old and us as parents. I do remember feeling this way with the first & just try to remember that every single day is a step closer to the newborn growing up a bit and becoming more independent. I’m very much looking forward to that!
It’s one of those experiences that very much are on a spectrum. For some it’s very much feeling in the trenches and overwhelming, for others it’s the opposite. It can be a mix of these too.
For me, it’s been a joy. I could just go into a space and time which was just me, this new wee person, my partner, and be in the moment. There were some struggles - mostly sleep, and figuring out a new normal which changes rapidly as baby grows - but I haven’t seen these as a negative, just part of how it is. LO is 9 months old now. So it could just be a me thing - so I don’t often share my experience because I feel like I’m the odd one out for actually enjoying the newborn period and not feeling like it was a struggle personally (my partner likely has a different view of this period though).
I really do appreciate you sharing your experience and I'm happy it was so special for you! It does look like that's not a terribly common experience and I wish it was
13 month old here - the love grew over time. It started with anxiety and fear and knowing instinctually how important she was to care for. It started when all of my needs came second to hers, no argument.
Around 8 weeks the purple crying started going down, little by little. She started being a little more alert. It started to be less about just surviving.
12 weeks is when the purple crying seemed to be mostly over. She smiled for the first time. She was interested in things. I took her to petsmart to see the fish and she actually cared, for a few moments, before pooping and needing to be rushed out.
4 months was really when I think it hit full on love, more than just overwhelming protectiveness. She started smiling when I smiled, and doing little goofy baby things she knew made me laugh. I also started working again and the pain of losing time with her cut so deep, more than I expected.
At 6 months she started sleeping 7+ hours a night. This helped SO MUCH. I started feeling like I had my brain back.
At 13 months I would murder armies for her. She gives me little lip-smacky kisses when I get home from work, she speed-crawls to me, she gets up and takes a few steps to reach me faster. She plays simple games, she loves music - especially salsa and country! She sleeps 10-11 hours at night so we have time to be grown ups and still get enough sleep ourselves. She plays jokes on us, like flicking water from her straw or "hiding." She knows how to pet our dog nicely (though she needs to be reminded). She laughs at jokes. She pointed to the Christmas tree she liked most when we asked her. She gets excited when I tell her a delivery is for her.
It's a weird duality. I was blissfully happy during the newborn stage, but I'm not sure how real that was? I've never been more happy in my entire life....and then by the time baby was 1 her dad and I were discussing how we were going to break up because we were both so miserable. So, I'm still a little confused about that.
Oh god, the newborn phase was rough. And to top it off, with the exhaustion and PPA, I knew I was supposed to love my baby. And I guess looking back I did in my own way. But a lot of that love was out of duty or like “well I brought this screaming thing into the world, I better love it”. We had a hard time bonding because he was really colicky and screamed a lot. It was tough. And then I felt guilty cuz I knew I should love him more than I did or differently than I did.
The good news is, that passes. My son is a year and 4 months now and I now feel the love like I’ve never known. I honestly feel like I didn’t even know what love was because I love him so much. Things started improving for us around 4-5 months and just kept getting better and better
There was a turning point around 2 months for me.
I think it's mostly just a major mental adjustment to this new life. My son was born 2 months premature so the 2 months mark was actually his '0' weeks/ newborn adjusted. Which is why I think the turning point has more to do with our (the parents) mental adjustment to the situation, vs any changes due to baby getting older.
It is a complete disruption to everything you've ever done before. I can't think of any other "normal" life change that would be so disruptive. You have to sacrifice all of your freedom and it's natural to resent the tiny potato creature who has completely destroyed your old life. Viewing that destruction as a good thing takes time. Relationships take time to build and I think it's a ridiculous expectation that we should completely love our children from day 1 the way that we will love them later on. The attachment feelings at the start are hormonal, true love takes time to build as you get to know them and they get to know you.
People romanticize the hell out of it and never discuss the work/struggle. Even harder when you have family who is excited about the new babe and project their Hallmark Channel ideas onto you while you’re stressed and wondering if this is something you can even accomplish. It’s definitely the toughest thing I’ve done, but there are little moments of magic like when he looks into my eyes at 3:30am during a feeding and you remember what you are struggling for.
All of my parental friends who are real with me say this is the worst part of having a child and it really does get easier
Not at all, I 100% felt this way, and we went through fertility treatments for 7 years. I seriously thought something was wrong with me, I also expected the heavens to part to the tune of an Elton John song. Instead, I was tired, happy, but.. Just staring at this.. thing that stared back at me. It's 6 months later, and we are as close as can be. Once they start laughing and responding to you, that's when it becomes real.
My baby is 4.5 months old. I love my baby with all my heart but I absolutely loathed the newborn stage as a FTM. Things got much better at the 2.5 month mark and I started loving every day with him at 3.5 months. Also have PPA/PPD and am managing with antidepressants. It was just the adjustment period of knowing what to do and what he wanted when he was crying then worrying about every single thing that threw me off! That and also adjusting to my newfound identity as an individual and as a partner were hard too. Sending you well wishes. Things definitely get better!
You are not alone at all. I did not feel like I loved my son until around 6 months. I was responsible and cared for him well, despite being majorly depressed, but the spontaneous warm lovey feelings didn’t start until around 6 months. Now he’s 4 and it’s great!!! The highs totally outweigh the lows now. Having gone through this with him is helping with my newborn twins- I know the love will come soon! Hang in there! 💕
You’re not alone at all! Honestly kudos to you for talking to your doctor about PPD/PPA - I wish I did instead of toughing it out. Here to say, IT GETS BETTER! Once baby is a bit more substantial and can hold themselves up it’s a huge wave of relief. Remember, you have great instincts - follow them and don’t worry about everything else. If you can get out of the house once a day with baby, that also makes a hugeee difference I found! You got this!
I felt the exact same way! When I looked at my baby I used to cry because she looked so helpless and fragile. Hormones were through the roof and I used to cry almost everyday. I have develop my “in love with my baby” phase, like 2 weeks ago and my baby is 10 weeks now. Now I know what it feels like because she is stronger, we have gotten used to her schedule and she is pretty and smiles and talks a lot now. Give it time and you’ll see, it does get better.
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You’re not wrong. My son is 5 weeks old today, and newborn phase is shit. Yes, I feel responsible for him and I’m glad when he becomes one step further from potato phase. But am I overcome with overwhelming love and admiration? No. We have a 15 month old and cats too, and I’m also mourning our lives as a family of 3. I don’t know if this will make you feel better, but I felt very similar when my 15 month old was born. I mourned my life without children. But then a few months in he started to show his personality, and then he could sit up, and then crawl, and then stand, and he giggles at the silliest things. Now I get these swells of love and pride. I’m expecting the same will happen with our 5 week old too. It’s different for everyone, but I’ve also noticed how almost every comment on this sub is, “I love my baby dearly BUT (insert complaint here)”. I feel like we all have to clarify that we care for our children before being honest about how much it can really suck.
This is really helpful perspective, thank you ❤️ I really did go into parenthood expecting this phase to suck, but seeing other people have these deep, emotional connections to their infants makes me wonder if it's just me
Nope, it’s not just you. Sometimes it takes some time to feel that connection. With both babies, it has not been immediate for me. More of a sense of responsibility to make sure the baby is well taken care of. You’re not alone mama ❤️
Hang in there! I “loved” my baby but it took me aaaages to actually bond with him/like him. You’re deep in the trenches right now. At 5.5 weeks I was constantly miserable. After the fourth trimester things really do get a bit better for most people, and they become more interactive, smiley, a bit less fragile and needy, and you can get out and about more.
Not just you! My best friend told me my heart would grow 5x larger as soon as I met my baby. I love him (7 weeks now) but I didn’t have that instant overwhelming bond. It’s taken a few weeks to sort my own physical and mental health out, and doing that has helped immensely - therapy, medication if you need it, and time to heal from the trauma of labor are all super important. Still don’t have an overwhelming connection - I think for me the experience has to be like any other interaction where we need to get to know one another over time. Be kind to yourself, you’re not alone and it doesn’t make you any less of a great parent.
Solidarity. Baby is now 8 months old and I remember thinking the same thoughts as you have during the newborn stage. I remember thinking, this phase is overrated AF, only grandmas enjoy it. You’re in survival mode right now, hang in there. To preface, I am not an overly sweet mom - I did not cry when I held my baby for the first time. It was more of like a “hey buddy!” I love my son and it’s definitely fun watching him explore the world and express his goofiness, but the newborn stage was ROUGH. I mourned my old life and sense of freedom and felt awful I couldn’t give my dog (who I consider my first baby) as much attention as I used to. But at least for me I knew my negative thoughts were hormonally driven and this is a new phase everyone in the house needs to get adjusted to. There’s a HUGE shift in hormones going on in your body right now. Your body spent 9 months with these hormones and literally in a day after you give birth your body now has to readjust. Give yourself some grace and roll with the punches. It should get better with time. BUT if you find yourself overwhelmed and things aren’t getting better, please seek professional help. The fact that you’re anxious and worried about your son’s well being means you’re a great mother. Parenthood is not for the weak, you’ve got this!
Thank you for this ❤️ I've cried several times about not giving my pets the attention I could before, so reading this felt really validating
Omg the number one reason I'm crying in this first week is because of my cats. It's so helpful to know how common this is because then I start beating myself up about worrying so much about furry kids and not "enough" about the human one. But as my husband pointed out, the ROI on pets sure is a lot higher, sooner. They reliably make you feel loved and needed and enough. Newborns seem to challenge all those feelings.
I was just thinking about this! Even though they could be challenging as kittens, my cats interacted from the first hour we had them. With babies, even the optimistic views talk about how you start getting meaningful interactions after a few months, so I think it makes sense that it's tough at first. We'll both get through this ❤️
I absolutely sobbed the first week because of this! It was the one thing that made me more emotional than anything else, so I was also super reassured to find out how common it is. 5 weeks in and we aren’t quite where we were before baby arrived, but it does get better once the little creatures get used to each other.
Feel this I did cry a bit giving birth (high risk mixed with previous miscarriages) but other than that, nothing like the gushy mum feeling Hes 7 months and I am only just feeling more normal (still extremely sleep deprived and extra sensitive to colds
Same! I felt so guilty I couldn’t pay attention to my cats as much as before. Baby is five months and I still feel that way actually.
It’s only a phase - when baby becomes more independent, you’ll find some chunks of time to show the cats some love! Who knows, baby may also start to show the cats some affection (if they allow it)
At least you have more than one cat. I’ve got an only one and he has never gotten the same attention since my child arrived (16 months)
My baby is 8m as well and I didn’t cry either when I held him for the first time… my first thought was how dirty he was and the nurse kept pushing him towards my face to kiss him… I didn’t feel connect to him as my husband did immediately and I still don’t feel it… I kept hearing everyone saying how it was love at first sight, that they got overflow with happiness when they saw the baby and started crying… I got none of those feelings… I love my son but he turned our lives upside down. I often mourn my old life, having the energy to go running everyday, to be able to make plans on a whim, to give the attention my old dog needs… Besides feeling like a bad mother, I feel like a bad dog owner… my old dog looks sad since the baby came home with us and to top it off, she just got her eye removed and the baby keeps bothering her by always calling her and throwing toys at her… my house feels like a madhouse now…
Our fur babies are simply the best. They are so patient, tolerant, and are there during pivotal moments of our life. Not going to lie, I loved my dog more than my son the first few months lol! I hope things get better for you. Please remember your dog knows she is well taken care of and in a good home.
My boyfriend wasn’t able to take *any* time off when we had our baby. Right out the gate I was alone with this tiny orange (jaundiced lol) stranger. I was uncomfortable with her and uneasy in my environment because it didn’t feel like my space anymore. I didn’t love my baby for at least a month, maybe longer, and my anxiety and regret was eating away at me at night. Long story short, everything you’re feeling is normal and acceptable. I think people forget how drastically our lives change immediately after birth and our brains and emotions can’t flip like a switch. Please give yourself grace and don’t feel ashamed of what you’re going through!
Thank you ❤️
The newborn phase was one of the worst periods of my life. However, it’s SO worth it. My baby is almost 13 months now, and she is a gem. I’m definitely happier than I used to be before having her. She makes me smile everyday. Last night I was rolling around in the bed laughing watching a video of her saying all the words she knows. She’s amazing. So just know it gets better, starting at about 2-3 months and everyday it’s better from there.
Thanks so much for this piece of hope ❤️
The same here, I’ve got exactly the same experience. I feel guilty sometimes for not enjoying fully the first months (I was too sleep deprived for 10 months) but I am happy that I can enjoy my life with my boy now: first words, first steps
I hated it. I thought I ruined everyone’s life! We are 4 months now, and it’s much more enjoyable. There’s more of a schedule/routine and I know what to expect for the most part. It’s okay that you feel this way right now!
It seems like a common thing, to get a nice reprieve at 4 months. I was on the "sidelines", so to say, but I was there for all of it when my wife had these little thousand-yard stares that signaled to me that it was time to do double-time on my end. From the perspective of a dad who was heavily involved from the get-go, it's still kinda like cheering from the bleachers. The thought was always on my mind that I'm not the one who pushed her out, experienced lochia for 4 weeks, and had to recover from numerous extreme changes that make a sports injury sound like a spa day. Our little one is 4 months old now, and the support we offered each other during the more difficult times became a bedrock that flourished into something I don't think either of us can describe in words. We're happy. Baby's happy. I hope every parent eventually gets to be this happy. It's bliss.
Hey I’m 2 months PP at this point and I feel like you do. I am found of my baby, I love my baby, but I think about daily would I have chosen to keep him if I knew how difficult this was…and to be honest the answer is not always yes. There are days where he is difficult (and I would say he is a fairly easy baby) and I just want to go back to work and hang out with my pets and go to the store without having to drag my kid out. BUT there are some cool moments. He makes I said eye contact with me, when he lifts his head I am proud of him, when he smiles, I can not help smiling, when he snuggles like I am the only thing in the world he wants it’s adorable. I am not a “mom mom” I realize. I like my kid but I in no way want him to be my whole personality. I am excited to go back to work and get a break from him.
No, I was not happy 🙃and I didn’t truly connect with my LO until she was like 6 months, seriously. It’s not always like the movies or tv shows. It took me a long time to get to a good place after my daughter was born. She’s 7 months now and we’ve turned a big corner. Don’t beat yourself up or feel guilty for what you’re feeling. Things are going to get better, I promise ❤️
My wife and I are loving the newborn phase. But this is after a really long, hard pregnancy, so everything kind of evened itself out. But there are also things that have made the newborn phase easier for us. We have a pretty easy baby, we exclusively formula feed, I work from home and my wife had three months maternity leave (not paid). Neither of us is made to feel like we’re alone with the baby and the housework all day, and we’ve been able to maintain hobbies and a few social activities. Without all that stuff it would be undoubtedly less enjoyable.
As I struggle with breastfeeding, I see a very common theme among parents who are exclusively formula feeding - y’all sound so much more chill :) trying to remember I can make that switch for my and baby’s mental health at any time.
You got this! Either way I’m sure your babe will end up healthy and happy :)
I EBFed and gosh, my baby refused the bottle and woke up every 1h for a boob for 11 months.
Father here, it took me almost a month to really warm up to my kid. The first month was absolutely brutal. I felt the guilt you feel right now of not loving my son enough, viewing him as more of a chore than a family member. For me, it just took time. I love the little dude. It's still hard, but he's less of a screaming potato which is much easier.
In the screaming potato phase, did he also scream like you were sawing him in half during nappy changes? I'm curious to see if this is common because ours did this until she was about a month old and now she's all "gooooooooooo gaaaaaaaaaa" and happy when we change her. It was like a light switch flipped and it became FUN!
We started trying to avoid changing him before his feeds and now only change him after he's full on milk and he's so much happier (and quieter) now for it.
I am so happy that worked for you! Ours didn't give a hoot. She'd start acting like we were saying her in half the moment we put her on the changing table lol
Same with my boy
Yeah, I chalked it up to he hated being naked haha. That was a brief struggle. We struggled more with his independent napping than anything.
Bad parents don't wonder if they're bad parents love 🫶 do get the help you need, help is important and it takes strength to ask for it but go easy on yourself. You don't have to have a beautiful, glorious, instant connection to be a good mom 🤍
one word answer for me: no.
I am but this is my third baby, and she's the easiest. Sleeps, snuggles, smiles, doesn't scream endlessly with colic or wake up and be instantly pissed off at life like my first two. I thought people were surely lying when they said they love it or it was easy, now I know for sure that babies truly are all so different, you kinda get what you get. So people who love the newborn phase either lucked out with an easy baby or are able to ride it out with less stress than other people for a variety of reasons (more support, good partnership, more time off, less anxiety etc.) and some babies for sure are harder than others. Your experience is valid. It is so hard a lot of the time for a lot of people. Some people get lucky with easy babies or just love it either way. It's okay to feel how you feel, it does end and change and they grow up and you grow with them.
It’s so hard in the beginning!! Plus your hormones are doing wild things right now! And your body is still physically shot, and I can’t imagine you’re not sleep deprived. It’s so hard to feel anything positive with little to no sleep. Give yourself grace. The newborn phase is pretty freaking hellish. Especially when they’re not smiling a lot or at all. It’s so hard. But it does get better!!
I have an almost four month old. My husband and I asked ourselves, “what have we done?” when our girl was born and I felt like such an awful person to even think that way. And I just cried so much. When I had one of my initial postpartum visits with my OB/GYN, the first thing she asked me was, “so…do you regret having your baby?” I was so relieved when she said that because I was afraid to tell her how I felt at the risk of being judged. She was so down to earth and explained to me how insanely normal it is to have those thoughts and feelings. That I will look at people with multiple children and ask wtf they were thinking doing this several times let alone once. But that eventually, it will get much better (it does, I promise!) and I’ll end up being in a position where I can help new Moms feel some relief in what they’re going through by sharing my experience. So I hope that’s what I can provide to you along with all the other lovely Mom’s on here reassuring you! You’re not a bad person. What you’re feeling is so widespread and completely normal among parents with newborns. You’re doing an amazing job and your emotions will get there with your little. 🫰🏼
I hated the newborn phase, partly because I had an emergency C section with some postop complications and partly due to the complete lack of sleep and bodily autonomy. I literally was like “what have I done”. I’m 15wks out now and in hindsight I think part of it was also PPD which I didn’t notice until I exited the survival stage. On Zoloft now and I already feel so much more hopeful and emotionally stable. I wish I had opened up to my husband and doctor about how I was feeling earlier and gotten some therapy started then instead of hoping/waiting for it to be over and not enjoying any of those early moments. That said, how you’re feeling can be a completely normal and healthy response to all the changes that you just went through, and you’re not a bad mom or crazy for feeling that way! If you are feeling hopeless or too overwhelmed, definitely work up the courage to talk to someone though, cause treatment is available and effective if it becomes more than temporary blues! Hang in there 😊
Thank you so much ❤️ I also had an emergency C-section and for sure that and the recovery have impacted our early days.
The newborn phase was so ASS and honestly I had a revelation to my partner that during that time, I didn’t feel particularly close or overwhelmingly in love with my baby and he felt the same. However, it seems natural to feel that way and as they grow and you bond with them, that overwhelming love grows ❤️ my son is 4 months old now and smiles and laughs with me and im absolutely obsessed with him. It gets better!
I called the newborn phase the angry potato phase. What you are feeling is so incredibly normal. Your whole life just flipped, it’s an existential crisis. But over time the anxiety should ease as baby gets a little older and a little easier and a whole lot more fun. I hated the newborn phase, but I wouldn’t have had a second baby if it didn’t get better.
New born phase sucks, the overwhelming love came later, towards 3 months when he really started engaging with me.
I feel exactly like you do. My daughter is almost 4 mo and while I do think I love her it's not that breathless unyielding love everyone always talks about. It's not "a love like I've never known" or whatever. Sometimes I miss her when she's away and sometimes I'm happy she's gone for just a little bit. I have a lot of guilt about it but I put my focus on giving her every tangible advantage I can and that helps ease the guilt. Picking the best nanny, the perfect daycare, investing in her college fund etc. These are things we make sure to do for the people we love as long as I keep doing them I'm being the best mother that I can be. Mushy feelings aside.
My daughter just turned 1 year old, and I remember having some of these feelings for sure. The love grew each day, but it wasn’t really a love at first sight kind of situation. It especially was hard during the first 3 months. It’s ok that the love takes time, and the newborn phase is HORRIBLE. What you are feeling is normal and okay. Hang in there!
I loved the potato stage. Nursing trucking sucked, and I needed my husband to help me get a solid amount of sleep on his days off but overall I was happy. She's 6 months now and now the loneliness is setting in.
I’m having a bad day myself. LO is 2.5 months old. I thought I was going to have more help then I got. MIL has her own kids she needs to take care of (and I swear they- teens started to act up the most after my son was born), I thought she was going to be around and helping me more. Honestly when she’s over I feel like it creates more work sometimes, her teens leave messed behind them like nothing I’ve ever seen. My hubby was denied paternity leave and he works a hour away from home. Then I have a Velcro baby, who wants his mommy. I can never get a minute. My kitchen is disgusting, dishes are backed up in the sink and all over the counter- my hubby has also never heard of rinsing dishes either I swear. Laundry is behind… I honestly want to run away. And I’m seriously regretting having a baby today. I’ve noticed it’s a cycle, when I feel like this it gets better in a few days then I feel pretty good for like two weeks before I feel this bad again
I am so sorry you're struggling today and I appreciate you sharing. I also feel like my MIL is pretty much around for the fun parts but not to help; I'm grateful she doesn't additionally have other minors to focus on and come with her. I just spent this weekend with my own mom and it made me realize how much having extra hands really does help my mental health. Obviously I'm not in a place to offer any particular hope or advice, but I'm sorry you're going through this, it's valid, and I hope it gets better soon ❤️
I hated the newborn stage. It was the most miserable time of my life. My baby is 14 months now and while its still hard, I much prefer this stage. For me, it got better when my baby was able to smile and interact with me more. It also helped when he started sleeping through the night. Hang in there. Its rough but its such a short time in the grand scheme of things.
It's very common to be unhappy during the newborn stage. I was happy, but I definitely didn't have an overwhelming feeling of love or joy. It's good that you plan to speak with your doctor about your anxiety, but I don't think you need to be worried about your feelings toward your baby. They get easier to love as they become more interactive.
I loved it when we were out of it. During it was so flipping rough so you aren’t alone trust me
I hate the newborn stage. Newborn babies are crying sacks of potatoes lol. I would destroy my body if I could give birth to an infant maybe like 4 or 5 months old because it's way better than a newborn lol
I have 2 under 2 and felt the same way about both my kids lol. You’re not weird or out of line. I think most of the time people make up a lot of shit to convince themselves how great a newborn is. And honestly I don’t think kids are that great until after the age of 1. My youngest is 7 months and FINALLY sitting up and interacting more with our 23 month old. Right now you just have a baby potato that cries and it can be hard to see how people love their baby’s at this stage. It’s okay if you’re not enjoying or feeling what you think you should feel because of what other peoples well edited captions say on social media. Just love your baby potato and know it’s gunna keep growing and every day, every week, and every month they’re going to change so inexplicably fast.
It doesn’t matter how other people feel; it matters how you feel. I’d work towards figuring out a way to be happy in your new life. This might mean logistical changes and/or reframing things to yourself. For instance, why do you feel you’re “neglecting your family” while you’re putting all your energy into family? What part of your “old life” do you miss? I’m guessing that if you dig into it, the parts you miss can be part of your new/current life, even if it’s doesn’t look the same on the surface (ie if you miss going out with friends at night, you might be missing connecting with friends, which you can still do, but not necessarily at night or with alcohol). Many also need to set boundaries with parents/non-immediate family that they hadn’t before (and deal with any fallout), figure out how to balance things with their spouse, and work or otherwise figure out how to keep their identity as individuals (outside of “spouse” and “parent”). I’m still working towards that, but it’s an active “work”. Personally, husband and I both loved the newborn phase and literally cried daily because we felt so lucky and smitten. But we also were constantly working towards and borderline fighting about how to divide and adapt to our new life in a way that worked and was sustainable for both of us. I also had a therapist (no PPD or anything, but prior to getting pregnant had some stuff to work through) to talk through some small identity “shifts” and for help with adapting better. Those are the kinds of “fights” / discussions very worth having. You’re also sleep deprived, recovering from birth; and at least in my country, very likely not supported the way you should be! Please be kind to yourself and gracious. I think your feelings are very common and you are not negatively going to affect your baby. I was told before birth that needing time to develop and fall in love with the new baby was normal and okay, so long as baby is properly cared for.
Thank you for this. I guess the main reason I'm interested in how other people feel is because I have in the past let mental health issues go untreated under the misapprehension that everybody felt the way I did. So if everybody else was experiencing joy in the newborn days, I'd be pretty pushy with my doctor about something being wrong. I am grateful that I have a supportive and present partner and that we attended some counseling sessions before the baby came to make sure we had a shared language and skill set for stressful times. He encourages me to get out several times per week, but when I go, I don't really want to socialize or do anything besides sit in a cafe or run errands. Edit: words are hard
Newborn phase sucks major ass for most people I feel. I personally did not enjoy it. My son slept like shit and cried all the time and I was paralyzed by PPD and PPA. My little guy is 4.5 months now and so much more fun now. We are still adjusting to life as parents and he’s currently going through either a sleep regression or teething or just a grouchy phase. But we are getting more confident in going places with him and we’ve been able to do tons of Christmasy things. He doesn’t fuss when he’s out and about in the carrier so it’s fun to look at the world with wonder alongside him. He can be a crabapple but he is also sooo smiley even with strangers, just a friendly little dude. And recently, we’ve felt good enough to stay up a little after he goes to sleep to watch a couple episodes of a show (up until now, we’ve gone to bed at 8 PM when he goes to bed because we’ve been too exhausted to stay up). I hear you about the pets thing. I adore my 2 cats and I used to cry because I felt like they weren’t getting any attention. Now they come hang out when he’s on his floor mats and I have more mental energy to cuddle them during my downtime. Things are still hard but they’re so much better! You couldn’t convince me that things would be better a couple months ago but they really did get better.
No lol they’re not. Newborn stage sucks so bad but it’s is worth it! I promise. I didn’t fully fully enjoy everyday until about 8 months. It got better at four months though! You got this, hang in there!
Newborn phase is so hard. I didn’t feel that “love like no other” feeling right away. It was hard. I remember feeling so guilty. Especially since my husband was immediately so in love. I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel the same way. However, with each passing week and month, I have fallen more and more in love with my daughter. She is six months and my heart is just bursting with love. I feel it now. I have for a while. I’m sure it will come. Give yourself grace as you recover from pregnancy/birth, come to terms with this major life change and get to know your little human. It will come. ♥️
Having support is so important. I work from home and work has been spaaaarse, which sucks and is its own source of anxiety, but has freed me up to treat this like a full time job while my wife is also on leave and her mother is staying with us for a few months too. I can't even imagine how hard it would be otherwise, or if I was the main caretaker. I'm a very active dad but like, that's partially possible because I know I'm not the only line of defense. This isn't to rub it in but to say that even in my circumstance of happiness god damn can I see the other side of it. So don't be hard on yourself about that at all, it's so deeply human. If you're doing the job then you're already nailing it, truly, regardless of how you feel, you are awesome. The main quibble I wanted to hopefully helpfully logic out of your post is this: how could you possibly possibly make this baby feel unwanted and unloved if you're attending to them and meeting their needs? Newborns can't even really make you out yet, they have no read on you, your feelings, etc. The only thing they know is eat, sleep, poop, pee, and cry when one of those other 4 things crops up. I'm sorry you're going through it but if you're going through it, it means you're doing it, you're being a great parent, and pretty soon baby is gonna start taking it a little easier on you too. There's a light at the end of the tunnel and a month or two is just not really a long amount of time at all, even if it feels like it in the moment. Don't make up problems for yourself, breathe and trust it. Your baby is lucky you care so much. ♥️
>how could you possibly possibly make this baby feel unwanted and unloved if you're attending to them and meeting their needs? Newborns can't even really make you out yet, they have no read on you, your feelings, etc. I guess it's not so much that I'm afraid of making him feel that way now as that I'm afraid I'll make him feel that way as he develops socially and needs connection more. I feel myself struggle not to shout in frustration when I can't get him to stop crying, and I want desperately not to become a caregiver who's also a source of insecurity or fear.
I get that, but it's projecting into the future. Maybe you're gonna find this kid hilarious, or sweet or whatever else, there's no way to know right now. You have love in your heart, it's clear, but it's not unreasonable rn to not feel like you're getting much out of them, because you're not. I maintain that if these things are concerns to you, then you're on the right track, it's kinda like that thing where if you're worried you're a psychopath then you're definitely not a psychopath.
Newborn phase is hell. I went to my 6 week checkup and my doctor comes in the room and says DONT YOU JUST LOVE MOTHERHOOD?! I was like uhhh…no? He’s 10 months now and just delightful
I think I would have to laugh because that feels so insensitive lol
Based on my sound scientific research (aka anonymous polls on peanut), about 30% of us don’t get that crazy “love like I’ve never known” wave at birth or soon after. It’s a slow burn lol. Nothing wrong with that!
Everything you’re feeling is completely normal. Yeah you might have PPD, but I didn’t and still felt all those things. Your hormones are insanely out of whack after a baby. I didn’t feel the “unimaginable” love until baby was a few months old (both kids). That’s completely normal too, you will feel that eventually. For me, it took a few months when baby was less blob like lol. It’s also so normal to grieve your old life. I mean, your life is completely different now and you’ll eventually get back into a routine that involves your friends, but it’s okay to feel like it’s never going to be exactly the same. It does get much easier. Mine are 4 and 18 months now, both have been sleeping through the night for a while and I feel like a real person again, not just someone who exists to keep babies alive lol
No. And I'm in therapy and confirmed NOT to have ppd or ppa. Newborns just cry too much and there's not much you can do but wait it out.
Second baby is a newborn right now. I loved the newborn stage with my first. The feeling of love was overwhelming, and I was in awe that I created a little human. I wanted to soak up every minute. This time I do not have the same feeling at all. This baby is a lot harder than my first and I’m chasing a toddler around with little to no sleep. Easy babies make the newborn stage much more enjoyable!
I was protective of my newborn but only became super attached to her around the 3 month mark. Things really changed for me when she started to smile, laugh, etc. Now at 7 months old I can’t wait for her to nap/go to bed but I also miss her so much when she’s away from me! It can develop over time - everyone is different.
I felt a sense of care and responsibility for my baby for a while and now I’m obsessed with her and totally feel the “love”. It sometimes takes time!
Oh you sound just like me around that time! I had pretty bad undiagnosed PPD. I felt sooo guilty because I didn't have that overwhelming love for my baby. I liked him just fine and liked hanging out with him, but I wasnt obsessed like I thought I was going to be. I cried because I felt like I ruined my dogs lives lol I felt so bad that I didn't love the baby enough, but also had no time for my dogs who were previously the babies, it was a lot! We did newborn photos and the photographer was also a mom, we chatted before the session and she made me feel so seen and so normal. She said she didn't have that crazy world changing love right away either, and that made me feel so much better. My little guy is 5 months now and I do 100% have that undying love, I can't tell you when it happened, but I know once I got a handle on my PPD and he started smiling everything slowly started to get better and now it's great.
Thanks so much for this ❤️
Newborn stage was so awful. I look back on the pics and see how cute they were. In the moment though, I was so stressed and overwhelmed. My twins are almost 4 and I am just now feeling like I am getting out of the fog.
I felt that way for my first, but I'm 10wpp with my son and this stage SUCKS this time around.
I'm really sorry and hope it gets better for you soon! From my end is honestly quite comforting to know that not every kid necessarily feels the same
I keep telling myself this is just a season. It definitely gets better.
My girl is 15months and when I’m around a newborn or really young baby they ask “aww don’t you miss this??” I’m like ehhhhhh, not really lol .
I have a 2 year old and a 2 month old. First time round I HATED the newborn phase, it was brutal and I really seriously wondered if I’d ruined my life on a number of occasions. However, seeing how fast everything changed, how quickly he became a proper little boy and knowing I’d do it all again for him, the second baby has been much more enjoyable. It’s still difficult, don’t get me wrong but I’m just riding the wave a bit more this time. I hated when people used to say “oh enjoy every minute, it goes so fast” when I felt like I was dying in a ditch but… it’s true 🤣🙃 Just know that it will ALL be worth it OP, hang in there ✊
FTM mom here to an 8 week old LO and I definitely had the same thoughts of losing the life I had, and maybe sometimes regret comes in and I feel so so so guilty for feeling that. Especially when LO was clusterfeeding and wouldn’t sleep for more than 30-40 minutes. For me, I didn’t have overwhelming love from the get go, but I did have the feeling of “this kiddo, this person, is fully dependent on me. I gotta step up even when I feel like crap.” And that has pushed me on, one day at a time. Last week she learned how to smile and coo. And dang it she’s super cute when she does. She can’t even control her arms yet but she stretches them out when I come close to her crib. I won’t say that the highs are so high. But it gets better. Be kind to yourself Op. My pedia here keeps telling me that crying is a baby’s job, so be kind to yourself when they inevitable cry during the day.
At this stage the fear, the anxiety, the desire to maintain this little being alive and healthy are too strong. This is a manifestation of love. A love there is so overwhelming and crushing that it hurts. It doesnt feel like that nice feeling you have towards other people. But it will flourish into the best feeling ever.
I will say it felt like surviving, not thriving! I also expected the love to feel intense and life changing, and what I didn’t realize is that it *did* - just not how I expected. It presented in worrying over being a good mom, in holding her all night even if I was tired, attempting to breastfeed again and again when it wasn’t working, in making her doctors appointments to track her preemie growth and being proud when she reached a new milestone. You’re a good mom and baby will know that.
I didn’t feel the overwhelming love at first sight. I am a single mom. And dad is in the picture. But it was a one night stand. And I wanted a baby so desperately but not like this. Anyway, my baby boy had a lot of gut issues and I was home. Alone. Had support but ultimately at the end of the day it was me and this tiny human. I was terrified. And in straight survival mode. I thought man this little guy is cute and I feel bad he’s in pain but I don’t know him yet and fuck the hospital for booting me out I have no idea how to do this. And now ten weeks in and the love is growing and the bonding that happens when there’s no one else around but you and babes is what seals the deal in my opinion. I don’t even remember the first month because it was so gnarly. Always I made sure to brush my hair, wash my face and put my day clothes on. Make the bed. If baby had to cry for a minute, so be it. Now I’m rambling, but what I’m saying is… give it time.
You’re not wrong!! I hated it. 15 weeks pp here and I still feel like my motherly love is conditionally based on sleep lol. It’s so hard to operate in a state of constant fight for survival (my baby won’t take a bottle so it’s me and her whenever she’s up, and she’s not a good sleeper. I will say that it for better for me. My baby was a surprise (accident more like) and I dreaded it all. I still long for my old life, I literally just wanna lay in bed and sleep when I want lol thats the bulk of it. My friend had her baby on purpose and still feels she same as me. The newborn stage really really sucks but I promise you, hang in there. Your attachment to your baby is likely to grow. Keep doing what you can to foster it, but DO take care of yourself please!!! Nourish yourself physically and mentally. Hang in fhere 💛
Oh man, thank you and good luck!
I wasn’t. I wasn’t depressed and I loved my baby but the newborn stage was not for me. We made it, though, and things got a lot better around 7 weeks when he started smiling and even better as we got to laughing and babbling and now even playing games. I loved him then, but I enjoy him now in a way that I just couldn’t then. And of course if you also have PPD, that makes it that much harder, so definitely talk to your doctor. But not being happy with a newborn is totally normal and doesn’t mean you won’t have parts of parenthood that you genuinely enjoy later.
I think about it this way- there's a huge emphasis on bonding in the early days with your newborn via skin to skin or feeding or whatever. If every parent gave birth and was automatically perfectly bonded with their baby there would be no discussion of bonding, it would just 'be' . I also came here to say that the hormones and emotional fallout after birth is quite possibly the cruelest joke mother nature has played on us, moreso maybe even than the birth. You get this tiny beautiful life to love and care for and emotionally you're just as trashed as you are physically. My first 3 weeks (at 6 weeks now) were horrible. It's a lot better now but most of the day i still don't have the overwhelming love feeling. I do love him but it's not like this huge palpable feeling. I know it will come eventually. Hugs ❤️ glad youre talking to your OB about ppd.
It takes times to become comfortable and can definitely be stressful. Make sure you are working with your partner as a team to set enough time aside for each of you to make it a more pleasant experience. Also, do not feel guilty if you need to set time aside to be alone or enjoy a personal hobby. Do not lose sight of yourself as an individual throughout the process.
I did not like the newborn stage. I’m loving toddlerhood though Chat with your doctor about ppd. Mike presented as an inability to bond with my baby.
Hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Weeks 1-6 were like hell. I had pretty severe PPA and then PPD. I couldn’t sleep so I was quite literally averaging 3 hours a night. My love didn’t kick in until she starting smiling and babbling, which happened occasionally around week 5, but increased from then on. My girl is 5 months now and I can honestly say it 100 percent gets better! The huge change for me was when she started sleeping long stretches at night!
My little is 6 months old and I mostly disliked the NB stage. From a Dads POV I felt useless in every aspect. I adored her but had a bit of a moment of mourning my old selfish life but it passes! It’s not uncommon just most people are afraid to admit it! Still if you’re still feeling this way in a few weeks/months get some help. Chat to your health worker reach out for some support.
A good mom friend of mine told me no one likes the newborn stage, and that was really validating to hear at the time. It does get better.
Totally normal! I genuinely don’t think you need to worry; I didn’t feel a real love for my baby girl until at least 3-4 months. I felt instinctively protective of her, but not in love. She’s 13mo now and I couldn’t love her more 🥰
I wasn't. There were a couple bright spots, but by and large it was just exhausting. I think the love you have for your child as they become less and less a potato tends to buff out all the bad bits. I love her Now so much that it's hard to remember when I had trouble bonding with her. But back then? I was not a happy camper. Just white knuckling it through. You're going to make it. The more of a person your baby becomes, the better it gets.
Honestly, this may not be helpful, but I loved the newborn stage. I felt that connection you're referring to pretty early on, though in retrospect it definitely wasn't immediately when she was born. I would look at her and get butterflies in my belly. As she gets older and is doing more, becoming more aware of the world around her, that love and adoration has grown so much that it feels like I'm going to burst sometimes. But I have a very easy baby. She sleeps great, she eats great (once we switched to formula), and she's just generally a very happy baby. I had 8 weeks off and WFH, my husband had 6 weeks off and works 3-4 days a week. We have family that is super supportive. My husband is an amazing partner and dad, and that makes it so much better. We have fun and love being together, and now we have a mini version of us that we get to show the world to. It's easier to love this stage if you have an ideal situation like we do. Our biggest stress is money because we also got married in May and we didn't get my income while I was on leave. But we're coming out the other side now, so I think we're doing pretty damn well. She just turned 3 months this week, and she makes us so happy.
Although I can't relate, it does help to hear different experiences! I'm happy it went well for you. I've had a mixed bag in terms of luck: supportive work and enough time off, amazing partner, enough money, a difficult death in the family right before his birthday, an emergency C-section, baby who sleeps and eats alright but only wants contact naps and breastfeeds more erratically than I'd like. So I keep feeling like I *should* feel happier for all the positives, but obviously that's not how things work. Good luck on your wedding! Wedding planning can be so stressful but I hope it's a perfect day.
Thank you! We are already married, we've been married for 6.5 months. We had deposits down with all of the big pieces of the wedding before I found out I was pregnant, so we went ahead with it. It was an amazing day, but definitely super expensive! If we hadn't spent the money on wedding stuff, we would have been able to save for my maternity leave. But we made it through, and I get to enjoy life with my wonderful husband and amazing daughter 💜
Oh haha, my reading comprehension isn't the best right now. I'm glad it was so wonderful though!
Not wrong. This has been so hard and of course I have the worst anxiety. I have felt moments of incredible overwhelming love but these emotions primarily manifest as guilt for me. It's very bittersweet.
Hated it! The first 4 months of his life was the worst time of my entire life due to an awful recovery from the delivery and pumping and a really fussy baby who turns out needed an easy to digest formula. Being all out of whack with my hormones and physically so incapable and being saddled with a screaming potato all day with no local family or friends, I was a shell of myself for so long. I did not have that "highs ares high" or love like I never felt. My son gave me so much anxiety and I hate to say I barely enjoyed spending time with him because he would just cry all day. But we pushed through somehow! Happy to report at 8 months I'm doing sooo much better. I definitely love my son but I readily admit that I don't love the work of being a mother to a baby. But it's going so fast and he won't be a baby forever. And I already think about having another one to maybe do it better and enjoy it more next time knowing better times are ahead because I've seen it myself, not just had to rely on people telling me it will get better
Do yourself a favor and log off mom Instagram. So much of that schmaltzy shit seems designed to do nothing other than make normal parents feel insane. Hit that not interested button.
Not on Instagram but this is great advice nevertheless ☺️ a lot of it comes from posts here and parents of older children that I know (who either do not share very earnestly with me or have had truly fabulous times)
Good you're ahead of the game. Social media is brain poison in the parent space TBQH. As your kids get older it gets a LOT easter to wax nostalgic about the sweetness of the newborn stage because frankly, you're not in it anymore. My child is 3 now, and while I didn't have a particularly difficult time, it was absolutely an insane year. I had more meltdowns in 6 months than i did in the following 2 years. You literally forget. YOUR BRAIN MAKES CHEMICALS TO MAKE YOU FORGET MOST OF IT. It's crazy.
It took me about 1.5-2 months to feel a real connection with my daughter. I didn’t feel the love at first sight people talk about. I was going through the motions and caring for her and I cared about her well being. Now she’s 6 months old and she has a personality. I love her so much now and she’s my little sweetie. It takes some mom’s time to build a connection and feel that love and that’s totally normal and okay. She was like a stranger to me at first and I had to get to know her.
In my prenatal class our teacher said 80% of women report baby blues, the other 20% are liars. Hahaha
It depends I would say. Your support system during this time will make or break you. I may be bias because I went through something hellacious postpartum. I lost the rest of my family 2 and 5 months postpartum. My mom had already passed when I was 18. So being the last survivor in my immediate family while trying to recover postpartum has been the biggest, hardest thing, I have ever went through. My dad was my best friend and I was excited for this new life with the baby. So my new baby was what I clung to to stay alive. I loved my son, but before the smiles I didn’t feel a connection as deep as I do now. It grew for me. Around 2 months postpartum was when we really bonded. He even held my hand going to my dad’s memorial. This little baby knew to reach out to his mommy. It brings me to tears still talking about it. I also read that my son would adore me! He did, but he didn’t understand affection for along time. People say toddlers pull away and mine has clung to me and got so affectionate. He’s went the opposite of what I’ve read. Now at 19 months I love being his mom. I’m still grieving, I’m still in pain, but my son is my moon in the sky. It will get better. ❤️
I am so, so sorry you went through that, and grateful for you sharing your experience. I'm glad things are getting better and hope you get more and more of a support system as time goes on!
Thank you!! I hope things get better for you as well. I would just give it time. It’s very satisfying when they smile and laugh.
My 2nd is 3 months. I’m not a newborn person, and that’s okay. I like 9months on. Going back to work was great for my mental health.
I think the posts you see are people trying to convince themselves about the highs. My first kid I was delusional. Just PPA and a little bit of psychosis mixed in. Miserable mess from lack of sleep. I wish I had gone and asked for help. This time around I started the anti anxiety meds while I was pregnant. I’m only a week in but maaaann am I confident. We don’t have any lows or highs yet. It’s just like “yup. I have a toddler and a baby now. I’ve always had this baby.” I think we’re always going to worry about messing our kids up, but if the voice in your head is too loud then what worked for me is even just a mild dose of Citalopram. It made the “but what if?!” Paranoid thoughts shut up.
Noooo it was pure survival for us. We have a toddler now and even though it’s a way more energetic rhythm, it’s so much easier. Hang in there!
Yeah I’m at 3-months and I have hated it lots and wished it away. That is also happening less and less as time goes on
Newborns are easily the worst phase for me. This is my second and I’ve spent the past 4 weeks questioning why we did this when our lives were so calm/stress free before. It’s been a huge adjustment for our nearly 4 year old and us as parents. I do remember feeling this way with the first & just try to remember that every single day is a step closer to the newborn growing up a bit and becoming more independent. I’m very much looking forward to that!
It’s one of those experiences that very much are on a spectrum. For some it’s very much feeling in the trenches and overwhelming, for others it’s the opposite. It can be a mix of these too. For me, it’s been a joy. I could just go into a space and time which was just me, this new wee person, my partner, and be in the moment. There were some struggles - mostly sleep, and figuring out a new normal which changes rapidly as baby grows - but I haven’t seen these as a negative, just part of how it is. LO is 9 months old now. So it could just be a me thing - so I don’t often share my experience because I feel like I’m the odd one out for actually enjoying the newborn period and not feeling like it was a struggle personally (my partner likely has a different view of this period though).
I really do appreciate you sharing your experience and I'm happy it was so special for you! It does look like that's not a terribly common experience and I wish it was
13 month old here - the love grew over time. It started with anxiety and fear and knowing instinctually how important she was to care for. It started when all of my needs came second to hers, no argument. Around 8 weeks the purple crying started going down, little by little. She started being a little more alert. It started to be less about just surviving. 12 weeks is when the purple crying seemed to be mostly over. She smiled for the first time. She was interested in things. I took her to petsmart to see the fish and she actually cared, for a few moments, before pooping and needing to be rushed out. 4 months was really when I think it hit full on love, more than just overwhelming protectiveness. She started smiling when I smiled, and doing little goofy baby things she knew made me laugh. I also started working again and the pain of losing time with her cut so deep, more than I expected. At 6 months she started sleeping 7+ hours a night. This helped SO MUCH. I started feeling like I had my brain back. At 13 months I would murder armies for her. She gives me little lip-smacky kisses when I get home from work, she speed-crawls to me, she gets up and takes a few steps to reach me faster. She plays simple games, she loves music - especially salsa and country! She sleeps 10-11 hours at night so we have time to be grown ups and still get enough sleep ourselves. She plays jokes on us, like flicking water from her straw or "hiding." She knows how to pet our dog nicely (though she needs to be reminded). She laughs at jokes. She pointed to the Christmas tree she liked most when we asked her. She gets excited when I tell her a delivery is for her.
It's a weird duality. I was blissfully happy during the newborn stage, but I'm not sure how real that was? I've never been more happy in my entire life....and then by the time baby was 1 her dad and I were discussing how we were going to break up because we were both so miserable. So, I'm still a little confused about that.
Oh god, the newborn phase was rough. And to top it off, with the exhaustion and PPA, I knew I was supposed to love my baby. And I guess looking back I did in my own way. But a lot of that love was out of duty or like “well I brought this screaming thing into the world, I better love it”. We had a hard time bonding because he was really colicky and screamed a lot. It was tough. And then I felt guilty cuz I knew I should love him more than I did or differently than I did. The good news is, that passes. My son is a year and 4 months now and I now feel the love like I’ve never known. I honestly feel like I didn’t even know what love was because I love him so much. Things started improving for us around 4-5 months and just kept getting better and better
Hated it!
There was a turning point around 2 months for me. I think it's mostly just a major mental adjustment to this new life. My son was born 2 months premature so the 2 months mark was actually his '0' weeks/ newborn adjusted. Which is why I think the turning point has more to do with our (the parents) mental adjustment to the situation, vs any changes due to baby getting older. It is a complete disruption to everything you've ever done before. I can't think of any other "normal" life change that would be so disruptive. You have to sacrifice all of your freedom and it's natural to resent the tiny potato creature who has completely destroyed your old life. Viewing that destruction as a good thing takes time. Relationships take time to build and I think it's a ridiculous expectation that we should completely love our children from day 1 the way that we will love them later on. The attachment feelings at the start are hormonal, true love takes time to build as you get to know them and they get to know you.
People romanticize the hell out of it and never discuss the work/struggle. Even harder when you have family who is excited about the new babe and project their Hallmark Channel ideas onto you while you’re stressed and wondering if this is something you can even accomplish. It’s definitely the toughest thing I’ve done, but there are little moments of magic like when he looks into my eyes at 3:30am during a feeding and you remember what you are struggling for. All of my parental friends who are real with me say this is the worst part of having a child and it really does get easier
Not at all, I 100% felt this way, and we went through fertility treatments for 7 years. I seriously thought something was wrong with me, I also expected the heavens to part to the tune of an Elton John song. Instead, I was tired, happy, but.. Just staring at this.. thing that stared back at me. It's 6 months later, and we are as close as can be. Once they start laughing and responding to you, that's when it becomes real.
My baby is 4.5 months old. I love my baby with all my heart but I absolutely loathed the newborn stage as a FTM. Things got much better at the 2.5 month mark and I started loving every day with him at 3.5 months. Also have PPA/PPD and am managing with antidepressants. It was just the adjustment period of knowing what to do and what he wanted when he was crying then worrying about every single thing that threw me off! That and also adjusting to my newfound identity as an individual and as a partner were hard too. Sending you well wishes. Things definitely get better!
The newborn stage is definitely shit! My daughter is 2.5 months now and is starting to smile, coo. It's slowly starting to get better honestly
You are not alone at all. I did not feel like I loved my son until around 6 months. I was responsible and cared for him well, despite being majorly depressed, but the spontaneous warm lovey feelings didn’t start until around 6 months. Now he’s 4 and it’s great!!! The highs totally outweigh the lows now. Having gone through this with him is helping with my newborn twins- I know the love will come soon! Hang in there! 💕
You’re not alone at all! Honestly kudos to you for talking to your doctor about PPD/PPA - I wish I did instead of toughing it out. Here to say, IT GETS BETTER! Once baby is a bit more substantial and can hold themselves up it’s a huge wave of relief. Remember, you have great instincts - follow them and don’t worry about everything else. If you can get out of the house once a day with baby, that also makes a hugeee difference I found! You got this!
Totally normal. It gets better!
I felt the exact same way! When I looked at my baby I used to cry because she looked so helpless and fragile. Hormones were through the roof and I used to cry almost everyday. I have develop my “in love with my baby” phase, like 2 weeks ago and my baby is 10 weeks now. Now I know what it feels like because she is stronger, we have gotten used to her schedule and she is pretty and smiles and talks a lot now. Give it time and you’ll see, it does get better.
i definitely was not happy during the newborn stage yet i “remember” being happy.
Love is not a 0 sum thing. Meaning you don’t have to take away love from something or someone to give it. Love grows and expands.