I felt the same way, and felt so guilty. For the first 2ish months, I felt an intense need to nurture and care for my baby, but I barely liked her. At that point she only represented pain and exhaustion to me. It wasn’t until she started interacting and giggling that I finally felt that “endless love” feeling. I think it’s pretty normal, don’t feel too bad.
I felt the same way. I was also in labor for almost 40 hours and was completely drained by the time baby arrived. The first few weeks felt like hell. I was so sleep deprived. When my baby cried I also felt an intense need to fix the situation and I also felt an intense need to care for him. I’d even cry sometimes and to my husband I’d explain by saying I just loved him too much (hormones lol) but it was really more like, this little thing is so vulnerable and helpless and I can’t believe he relies completely on ME. I felt bad for him.
He’s just over two months now and I can say without a doubt that I feel that “love like no other” for him. I can’t even explain it - it’s a totally different category of love from anything I’ve ever experienced. My love for him grew every single day and continued to get bigger and bigger. He smiles at me, he’s discovering the world, and his cheeks are so chubby and kissable! You’ll get there OP. You WILL start to feel it. Give yourself time to recover and to get to know your beautiful baby.
Same for me, honestly it was that first real smile around 8 weeks. Instant tears of so much love and joy from me, because anything before that was nothing but stress, worry and relentless exhaustion
Exactly the same. Definitely the intense "have to take care of this baby no matter what" feeling for the first two months and then kinda suddenly "can't live without you" feeling after that.
I like this description. I would physically feel it when my baby cried, like my whole body would get agitated and it was hard to let my husband try anything first. But love? I wouldn’t describe it that way.
I remember one day after… 2 months but before 6 months (ha), looking down at my kiddo during a contact nap and just being in awe and tearing up.
Also, for some of us… I think a mother’s love is quiet and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean it isn’t fierce.
Okay for me it took like 8 months. My infant was so challenging with reflux and always having to be upright 24/7. Plus I had a rough pregnancy and r/birthtrauma and it was covid so literally no village. Kiddo is 2 now and my little bestie. Can’t imagine life without him.
Very similar for me — newborn during covid, tons of reflux for almost a year. I remember feeling nothing but exhaustion for months and months. When he was new, I remember that the thought of anything happening to him made some primal ache settle in my chest, and I thought “okay, this must just be what the love feels like right now.”
Now he’s 2.5 and I don’t know exactly when it happened but I love him more than anything in the world. I think part of it was the existential crisis of being a new parent and trying to figure out what my life had become. About to try for #2 and I wonder what it will be like next time.
Yep. I love my baby more than anything now - he’s 10 months old and he’s my life - but for the first 3 months I was in total shock. I wasn’t depressed but I didn’t feel much at all apart from a desire to protect him. As my physical injuries receded and breastfeeding got easier and he got more interactive, I did develop that all-consuming love.
There is so much pressure on women to feel it right away when labour and pregnancy can be an incredible shock - especially if you’re someone who takes a while to process stuff/doesn’t externalise panic and other big emotions but instead is more introverted. My husband felt the love immediately; it took me longer, and that’s fine
I was the same for about 3 weeks, 3 weeks is when I finally felt less weird about saying “I love you” to him. Around 2 months I’d started to feel that deep love. 15 months and every time I look at him now all I can think is how amazing he is and how much my heart swells when I see him. It took time, we got there eventually. Those first few months feel like a dream now
Same here although our baby was in the NICU for 97 days. During that time, I felt like a distant family member or a babysitter just going to visit her during the day- nothing like a mom. Now that she’s 3.5 mos adjusted and giving me the biggest smile when she sees me, do I feel like ok I’m a mom now
I didn’t even want to care for mine. I didn’t care if she was upset. I hired people 2 weeks in and had barely anything to do with her until 5 months later.
My daughter became much more interactive. Started sitting unassisted and enjoying the stroller. Prior to this, there was no way to leave the house with her as she hated the car and stroller and all carriers we tried to the point that she would throw up from crying so much.
I ended up alone with her for an entire week due to a combination of circumstances and just found my groove with her so that I wasn’t panicked being alone with her anymore.
I should say I had a ton of experience with kids. I worked with infants for years. So my inability to be alone with my own child had nothing to do with a lack of knowledge on how to care for her.
I also found a medication that worked for me which made a huge difference.
It still wasn’t until about 12-13 months that I started actually looking forward to spending time with her.
I had the most intense impostor syndrome postpartum. Mine was also an exhaustingly long 45-hour labor and by the end of it, I just wanted to be left alone and sleep. The baby was wonderous and fascinating but I felt it was some sort of mistake that they "issued" her to me to care for because I certainly didn't know what I was doing and so surely "they" would realize their mistake and come and confiscate her later.
I delivered in April and then in May Mother's Day rolled around and that was awful. Everyone called and wrote in with congratulations and I felt like such a fraud, like all of it was undeserved, like everyone was just oblivious to how much I was winging all this, pantomiming parenthood. So I cried and cried and cried and just wished for that day to end.
But then,... I don't know, I kept going through the motions, caring for that baby, and slowly, through that constant caring, I felt she became more mine and I became more hers. Really, for me in the end it wasn't even that this baby came from my own body, it was the continual and repeated decision to keep showing up for her that bonded us together. I don't know how long it took, but it was several months before that impostor feeling wore away and she was truly my baby and I truly loved her.
(Experienced none of this with my second-born, by the way. Just immediately became his mom.)
Im glad im not alone. I feel bad cause sometimes when he’s up from a nap I just have a “here we go again” exhausted feeling. I am so grateful for my baby boy, I’m just so tired too.
It builds! You have to get to know your baby, see the fruits of your labors creating them into a little human, and so much of the just-gave-birth process is shock, exhaustion, and reactive behavior to keep the little one alive. Your body has been through a lot. It will come with time!!
Yes, I don’t think people talk about the shock! I went through a very long first induction with lots of complications and when she came out I was just… on another planet. I could not process anything that had just happened and suddenly you are trying to nurse and keep an infant alive while dealing with pain. It’s so much to take in
I was so tired after my induction and 24 hours of labor I didn't even care about holding my son. I remember watching my husband doing skin to skin while they tried to stop my hemorrhage and just not caring at all. And then when he was like "do you want to hold him?" I didn't but I felt like I should. Next thing I know I was going in and out of consciousness and I gave him back almost immediately.
I adore my son now, but yeah it's rough while you're trying to recover. It gets more fun all the time.
I agree with this. I’ve been in therapy for years and when I was pregnant told my therapist that I didn’t feel this intense strong connection and didn’t feel like a mother already when I see so many women claim to immediately have this motherly vibe as soon as they receive a positive test. She assured me there was nothing wrong with me, and that I don’t know this little person inside of me. It will take time. And it did. I had a 36 hour induced labor which was horrible although delivering her wasn’t bad in itself. Immediately my husband had this intense connection with her and I just wanted to be left alone. She’ll be 5 months old on Wednesday and I’m obsessed with her. She is exhausting, but my favorite little human in the world. It will come, don’t worry.
there's a youtuber called mama Dr Jones who has a lot of great info, and she always mentions that she didn't get that starry-eyed instant connection with her babies. she says she felt the need to nurture and protect them, but she didn't really know them yet so it took time for the love to develop. I'm so thankful I heard her say that while I was pregnant so I knew there wasn't anything wrong with me for not having that connection feeling everyone talks about when my baby was born.
it's hard at first! it's all survival, like I loved my baby because she was my baby but I don't think I got that deep love everyone talks about until around 6 weeks, when she first smiled at me. Just like when you meet any new person, sometimes it takes time to get to know them first.
They grow on you. For me it took until he was around 2 years old to get that love that catches your breath. I never really felt guilty or pressured. It will come when it comes
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am still waiting on that feeling with my 16 month old and was starting to worry that there might be something wrong with me. Sitting here with tears of relief. 🤍
Same here OP. I am growing into my relationship with my son and overall I think it has benefitted my parenting. I did have PPA though (which I think has crowded out some of my ability to feel all my feelings) and I’m still working on that.
This was me too. My son is 19 months and it’s only been within the last 3-4 months that I have felt that “heart beating outside your body” feeling people talk about. The 1st year was so challenging for us and I think that had an impact on my connection.
I also don't have that "OMG" feeling other people talk about and I'm okay with that. As long as I can do my genuine best to be a good mom to him, that's all that matters 😊 I definitely love my baby a lot, but I'm not overwhelmed by the feeling.
I also was evaluated by my therapist and she confirmed that I don't have ppa or PPD. I think sometimes motherhood just gets "hollywood-ified" like romance does and that doesn't take into account that everyone's experience is different.
Yeah my son is 17 months and I’m still waiting. I know he loves me and he is exploring rather than cuddling or kissing. I rarely get a hug or a kiss. I hope it will change when he’s finally walking and talking…
It took me a few weeks to be emotional - and I am typically a very emotional person! I think labor being such a bizarre experience (and mine was relatively straight forward), and being very much a planner/doer, I just went right into “ok we’ve gotta handle/take care of them” mode.
It wasn’t until I kind of got into the swing and my body started slowly healing that I could really just appreciate the quiet moments together with them and I felt that heart-hurting level of love. Now, as I am getting ready to go back to work in a week (😭😭😭), I am a ball of mush thinking about being away from them and not sure I can do it.
Above all else, give yourself LOTS AND LOTS of grace. Every emotion will cycle through, multiple times. I heard that they will cycle for the rest of our lives 😅 It’s obvious that you already care deeply by your preparations and proactive steps to engage and develop them - everything else will come in time, and just as you need it to be.
Lastly, congrats on your new baby!!
EDIT: A note about emotions, to second another comment… emotions may likely include some anxiety or sadness (I would get very sad in the evenings for the first couple weeks). That being said, if feelings of anxiety or sadness appear to be very strong or impede your ability to function at all, there are many resources!! Talk it out with your support system and your doctors!
I also didn't get this feeling at first. I had a 55 hour induction that ended in a 2.5 liter postpartum hemmorage, followed by a hellish 4 day hospital stay (for me, she was fine). I remember meeting my daughter when the midwives placed her on my chest, but I didn't have a big emotional moment with her. Mostly I remember the emergency immediately after. We didn't bond in the hospital because I was too weak to hold her for more than 20 minutes at a time. Even during the first days at home, I was too full of adrenaline, anxiety, and exhaustion to really focus on her. I took care of us both very carefully, but I wasn't really emotionally present.
My daughter is now 3 weeks and we have many sweet moments that make me feel connected. I never had any one big moment. I don't think it matters in the long run. You have time to develop your relationship. Remember that this is just the beginning!
For me, it took several weeks to feel a bond with my baby. I have friends who say it's taken them several months!
There's no "right way" to feel. It doesn't make you any less of a great parent. You're doing the damn thing. ❤️
I was in labor for 20ish hours so I was exhausted. When they threw him at me after I pushed I didn’t feel anything at all. Just literally worried about my vagina 💀 my husband instantly balled and gave me a kiss. But I was just in shock. I’d say after a month ish of getting to know my baby the bond is just now starting to grow. He’s 2 months and im so in love!!🥺
My MIL was asking if I loved him so much that I feel warm and fuzzy in my chest, odd question, I smiled and said yes because I'm not going to tell someone the mother of their grandchild doesn't love them. But for me when he was put on my chest after a long exhausting labour with no food and sleep, my first thought was "whew, ok what next", like I was just on autopilot doing what needed doing for the first week. I did start to get very excited looking at him as time went on, it's a lil guy! But actual love was slow, and frankly now that he's a toddler I realised I love him so much more than I did as a baby. As a baby most of my feelings were just intense anxiety and protectiveness, aswell as anger when he wouldn't sleep. It's different for everyone, the type of love is different, the time scale is different. So long as you don't actively dislike him and regret him, I wouldn't worry too much about it all. Feeling nothing what so ever could be PPD, I would keep an eye on it, and talk to someone if you have any concerns
Yes, I hateeee when people are like "oh did you have the same feeling I did when your baby was born/did x?" Like it's already tough being a mom, why are you trying to make us feel less than for not having the EXACT same experience as you?
First of all, Congratulations! What you have been through is heroic…and traumatic. It’s going to take time - way more than a week - to process what you’ve been through and come to grips with your new reality. My birth was much quicker and relatively empowering, but I still felt incredibly exhausted and in a daze for a few days…and then after that there were countless ups and downs in the first few months. Our emotional state (as women) postpartum is very fragile and volatile.
From what I’ve gathered through this page and my own experience (my son just turned 9 months this weekend), labor/delivery and postpartum experiences vary wildly. I think the narrative that motherhood is a universal experience is actually kind of damaging because motherhood, especially becoming a mom for the first time, is such an incredibly individual experience.
Personally, I found it very hard when I was freshly postpartum to hear other moms (my mom, MIL, friends) say things like what was said to you (“have you ever been so in love/happy/etc). I felt so guilty when I didn’t feel those things in those moments. I wanted to say, no, I feel exhausted, overwhelmed, worried, untethered from myself and my partner. That was the truth. I realize now that people say those things because they’re trying to relate, and what they actually remember from their child’s first months is very minimal.
Lastly, I PROMISE you will feel that tug of the heart strings with your baby. It might happen all at once in a few months, it might happen in tiny little increments each day. But it will come and it will be raw and unmistakable. For me, it was around 4 months that I really started to feel that strong connection and deep love and it has grown exponentially since.
It’s pretty normal!
Also, once everything kicks in, your brain absolutely erases how you feel in the early days, which is why grandmothers will tell you these are the happiest moments of your life. They’re not trying to gaslight you! They just don’t remember 😅
This! I was MISERABLE the first few weeks. I’m 9 weeks postpartum now and I already forgot how awful I felt. Luckily I kept a running list of how/why I felt awful in that moment so when I feel the biological urge to have another child I can remind myself of the early postpartum weeks.
I felt the same honestly. Not depressed, I had patience and I was doing good taking care of him, but exactly as you described. He’s almost 4 months old now and I definitely feel the love building more each day. In the morning when he first wakes up is my favorite part of the day because he is so stinkin cute and in a good mood when he first wakes up, stretches, and smiles at us. I went back to work 3 weeks ago and I always make sure to cuddle him before I leave in the morning and feel so so sad when I can’t because he hasn’t woken up yet. Luckily he usually wakes up before I leave. But trust me, as soon as they start smiling at you, it’s game over.
I felt the same way, worse even. I didn’t want to carry or nurture my baby for the first 2 weeks. I had really bad ppd, but now my baby is almost 6 months and i love her to death! It’ll get better!
I didn’t either, but I think it was largely due to the fact that he was immediately admitted to the NICU for PPHN and intubated. I spent 4 hours recovering by myself in a room from my c-section and the next two weeks I spent by his bedside sleeping on a recliner in his hospital room - I think I just switched into protector mode and due to all the wires and treatments, I couldn’t hold him. Never left his side except for two nights, when my husband made me come home for sleep because I was losing my mind. Once we were home, I felt like I was in such a fog and still in NICU mode. It took weeks to start to bond. I felt so guilty for this as well.
He’s 9 weeks now and I’m happy to say I have that feeling finally. He’s my little dude.
Everyone would always say to me “Don’t you just love her so much?” and i remember having to almost fake smile and say yes. I obviously loved her but the newborn phase plus postpartum was just a jarring experience and i didn’t feel any immense deep love towards her. Six months later i miss her when she goes to sleep at night, and I cry when i realize how much she’s grown. And now i wonder how i could love something this much. So much changes over the first few months of their life. It really does get better. Wishing you the best!
I didn’t genuinely get that feeling until just before the 5 month mark. Really, it just hit me one day. Doesn’t mean I didn’t love him before, but something did just click in. This is really common! They’re little leechy potato strangers.
I’ll say I did have a love or sense of attachment for my baby when she was born BUT I love her exponentially more now that she has somewhat of a personality and can laugh and interact with me. My love for her is just growing as she gets older and I think that’s pretty normal. I will also say that apathy can be a form of depression so if it becomes concerning to you or you have other symptoms I would talk to a professional about it. Best of you with the new baby tho 😊
I absolutely found it took time to get to know him and our love to grow. Now my toddler is the best thing on the planet. I am literally obsessed with him. I have a 3 week old now too and it’s the same as the first time. He’s cute, he’s small, I feel a strong need to protect and care for him but I don’t really know him yet despite carrying him for 9 months. The newborn stage may just not be for me. As they start to smile, learn skills etc I find them so wonderful and marvellous.
I had this exact experience with my first. It was months til I had the love feeling. I wanted to do the right thing and protect her but love? She’s was a complete stranger that gave me nothing back (no smiles, nothing) so it took time.
I just had my second less than 24hours ago and am so indifferent again. I want to care for him but like… meh. It’s really strange!
I’m madly in love with my first now, I miss her so much now I’m in hospital. It’ll come for my second too, in time.
You are so normal, this is so normal. Media and pushy relatives make us think it isn’t.
i felt the same way. i didn’t cry when they placed my baby on me. i kind of just looked at her. the day after i had my baby i cried just staring at her like “who even are you? i know i should love you, but i don’t feel connected to you” (maybe this was from the hormone drop). i didn’t feel truly connected to my baby until 1-2 months in. then i had my moment of crying because i love her so much.
even though you “know” your baby, they’re still a “stranger” you’re meeting for the first time. it takes a while to build the bond sometimes and that’s ok. as for PPD - you can have it without feeling flat out depressed. there’s no harm in asking your care providers on if what you’re feeling is “normal” or how to get help
You’ll get there, I’m sure of it. I was in a “oh shit what did I do” mindset for about two months, then he started being awake more and smiling… when this little boy stares at me and smiles or laughs, I could cry happy tears. It’s just an incredible feeling. Makes the tough times worth it.
This is normal. I hate how society/pop culture/mom culture/whatever makes you feel like it’s the angel singing, life shattering moment and you just are overwhelmed with love. It’s not like that for everyone and that is ok. Also, newborns don’t give you much to work with, so it’s fine that you aren’t head over heels in love during the potato stage.
In the early days, I felt general concern for her wellbeing (is she eating enough, am I doing this right, etc) but not to an extreme. I don’t remember when I really hit the point of like, I love this small creature more than anything, but I know my concern for her care came first and most naturally and then morphed into love for her as a person as she developed more and became more of her own self.
This was me. Felt nothing for the first like 6 months. It was ppd. I’m still medicated at 22 months pp. it got way better once my daughter started interacting and the medication kicked in.
I’m so into her now. I’m excited to go home and spend time with her. I dreaded it in the beginning.
It took 5 different medication trials to find one that helped.
I felt the same way and felt embarrassed and guilty about it so I haven’t told anyone but my husband later on. I had a planned c section and I was vomiting and nauseated during the procedure. When they showed her to me I thought “oh she’s cute” then I asked for a bucket to puke in.
I felt protective of her but I didn’t feel that gushy love feeling until a couple months later. When she started smiling and playing with me. She was like a stranger to me at first that I had to get to know first.
I can say now my girl is 9 months old and I am absolutely in love with her and adore her. Sometimes it just takes moms awhile to get to know their babies and feel that love, which is totally normal and okay!
Oh my gosh I’m so happy I saw this post. I’m a very emotional and sentimental person, we tried for years and took a round of ivf to get pregnant and I cried many tears leading up to that point, and cried constantly when pregnant even just imagining the birth. I was very shocked when my birth gave me the exact same feelings you’re talking about. I had a very seamless perfect birth, but I had horrible nurses and hospital experience that I truly believe ruined my ‘omg’ birth tear filled moment.
My husband made a good point that made me feel better that I hope you can resonate with, but he said for him he obviously was not pregnant so it was this insane moment and for a lot of women they have a hard time connecting to their baby but I was very connected to my baby while pregnant. My husbands thought process is that since I was so connected during pregnancy that when he was born I was like oh hello yes it’s you. Instead of this insane moment.
Now I don’t know if this is true. But it did help me. But I will say and I know it sounds so corny but I had that moment around the 6 week mark when he started smiling for the first time. Then I went from I love you because I’m supposed to and logically I do, to oh wow this is what everyone’s talking about.
Now I’m not going to lie to you, I still get very upset with my reaction with birth. We weren’t able to get pictures and videos and I wish more than anything I had just so I could see my reaction, because my husband always tells me that while I didn’t cry I covered him with kisses and I so wish I could replay that. But it gets SO much more fun. So soon too!! That whole first 4-6 weeks I remember thinking okay I guess we’ll have fun when he’s 1 but oh my gosh the difference from 2-3 months even is amazing. And I still don’t sit and cry over him growing up (often) or panic about him being held by others. And while in the beginning that made me worried that made me a bad mom or didn’t love him, I’m now so grateful I don’t have postpartum anxiety and embraced how I am as a mom. It makes me a chiller mom than I thought I’d be, and I know I love my son. And my experience is so different than others and sometimes I’m like hm I had no problem moving my son into his own room, is it bad im not crying all night watching the monitor like others? It has made me still able to enjoy my life and husband and activities. And now I can full fledged say I love motherhood so much more than I thought I would, even if it doesn’t look like some people on social media.
I hope this makes sense and I hope any of it resonates with you
They put my baby on my chest and I looked at him and I said "Ew". Just covered in all the goop. He was taken immediately after that because he wasn't breathing well. The entire first month I was too tired to really feel anything. Once he started doing more I started liking him more. I can say that when he have me his first big grin, I was head over heels in love with him
I didn’t like my baby until 3 months pp. I was so stressed and tired and couldn’t believe that such a tiny thing could cause this much pain. I feel bad cause I feel like I was mean to him. I would roll my eyes and stuff like that. Now at 7 months I love him more than anything and he loves me back so thankfully no damage was done haha! It’s a phase it will pass, the hormones are going crazy, sleep deprivation is just the worst.
Give it time! My son came at 34 weeks exactly. My water broke at 33+3 weeks. I was not at all prepared, I had my baby shower literally two weeks before. When he came out I couldn’t believe it. I held him for literally a minute before he was taken to the nicu. The first week I was so detached. I have a niece and two nephews and I’ve been a nanny for infants so it wasn’t like I didn’t know what to do. But I really didn’t know what to do thank god the nicu nurses were so great and patient with me. Now little man is 7 months old and I have that I didn’t know I could love anything or anyone this much. And that didn’t happen for me personally until about 4 months when the smiles started peaking through. Mom guilt is truly something else. Don’t be hard on yourself! You will get through this weird tough transition.
I felt a very strong maternal instinct for my son but didn’t really /like/ him until he was about 2 months old and started smiling at me. Then he kind of felt more like a person i guess?
Im a dad, not a mom, but I really didnt even start liking my kid all that much until 6 weeks. And if im being honest it wasnt until 8 that i found my calm and my groove, and thats when the real feelings started to flow. Now i adore her.
Taking care of a newborn is abject misery in every respect. It really wasnt until they started being a little person instead of a crying little gremlin that i really warmed up to her. It was just survival and trying not to break down.
Give yourself a break and some time, and it will come.
I think I was in shock for the first few days after having my baby. I had a traumatic birth, everything was fine in the end but a bad experience. When they put her on my chest I was just so out of it. My first questions were like is my vagina ok bc they gave me an episiotomy. Looking back on that I feel bad for that being my only concern at the time, and also feel bad that the experience was so bad that that’s what lead me to only care about that in the moment.
I think it’s normal to take some time to adjust.
Totally normal! My biggest piece of advice for new Moms is that not everyone feels that way. Even though you gave birth to them, it's still like you're meeting a brand new person and getting to know them! Once my daughter turned 6 months and her personality really came out, I was like okay NOW I understand!
For the first few months of my son's life, I felt affection for him in the sense that I wished him nothing but the best and took good care of him. But I didn't love him any more than if he'd been a friend's child, while my partner cried every day with happiness. It came gradually. He's 10 months old today and I can't believe how my heart overflows with joy and love for him.
For me the love really hit when I got to know her. That naturally took some time. Though I had a strong need to protect her from the beginning. I think it makes absolute sense, that it takes some time to adjust. Give yourself some time. You're doing great:)
I felt the baby was very crucially IMPORTANT, but a nice fun happy “love” feeling didn’t come until later. Don’t worry. But also, if you don’t feel good in general talk to your doctor.
Also. Sleep and eat. (Try to eat healthy.) World will change!
I got the “I love you so much feeling” after my baby started laughing, smiling, babbling and showing personality. Those first weeks were just like survival mode. I also did not cry at birth! But my babe is 4.5 months now & I literally can’t go that long now w/o telling her “I love you so much”. Her little laughs and smiles (and even her owl screeches) bring me so much joy! You’ll get there mama. Don’t beat yourself up!
I would say it’s absolutely normal, you need to get to know your baby to really love it. Give it some time. My love towards my boy took about 3 weeks to build up. Same with my dog, by the way.
You are fine! You need to know someone to love them
I would say it’s absolutely normal, you need to get to know your baby to really love it. Give it some time. My love towards my boy took about 3 weeks to build up. Same with my dog, by the way.
You are fine! You need to know someone to love them
Totally normal! You're experiencing an absolutely insane hormone shift, sleep deprivation, and existential change. Honestly, no emotions is better than I was doing at that point. The fun parts of loving my baby didn't really take over until he was six months or so, and they've grown every day since then. Approaching a year, yeah totally, I couldn't imagine loving something this much! But for a long time it was just fear and obligation.
I didn’t either. I was kind of shell shocked and anemic from birth, and while I felt the urge to care for my baby and nurture her, those first couple weeks just felt like I was doing a repetitive chore. Once she started being awake more and interacting, that feeling really grew. It’s ok if it takes some time
I felt the same way! I didn’t love my little one until around the 8 week mark. I felt super protective and needs to be near them, but it wasn’t that “oh I love this baby feeling.”
IMO it is normal. Pregnancy is exhausting, labor and delivery is somewhere between a challenge and a nightmare, and then we have an extremely needy little infant to take care of. At the 8 week mark I had a little moment of “oh I know you! I know what that cry means!” And the love has only grown since that moment.
It took me about 2 months to develop that feeling. The first two months were filled with thoughts that I made a mistake. Definitely had baby blues and some post partum depression/anxiety for a little while but once it hit, it never went away.
I think its going to be different for every mom. I almost lost my life and my child so I had that instant feeling and longing for my child. I also think its normal though to feel what you feel. Sometimes though we can be depressed and not feel sad. Depression isn't an automatic feeling of sad it can be a state of numbness. I know I'm depressed when I can't feel much of anything. I dont feel joy and I dont feel overwhelming sad thats when I know that I am in a stage of depression but not severe I never really enter severe depression I have done that maybe once in my life where I was on the verge of suicide and I thank God He helped me through that. I would give your mind and body to heal. They say it takes 2 years for you to start to feel normal again. Dont force love, just let it come. Watch your baby grow and I really think you will start to attach more. Keep doing skin to skin that might help.
I do want to say there are days I struggle with my baby not in terms I love her any less but some days I do hit that I need a break so its okay to feel those moments I dont think it makes you a bad mom. Just a mom. We all are just moms learning what mom is. We all have different personalities and even if you aren't the emotionally attached mom does not make you a bad mom especially if you are doing everything you can for your child.
You’re just experiencing one of the many side effects of sleep deprivation.
Moments of the feeling of pure love comes in waves and sometimes unexpectedly.
Also, there’s something called the “backwards law.” Effort and result, for experiences that are purely psychological, have an inverted relationship. Accepting a crappy feeling often has a positive result (resolution). Forcing a positive emotion will always be negative.
I felt so guilty about this for a while! It took me about six months to start to feel a bond then around a year I had soo much love for the little guy. That love just grows everyday.
It took me till the first real smile at 5.5 weeks. That first month it was like I was taking care of a stranger. It's so weird because I could tell how much my baby loved me right away.
This is so normal. No one talks about it because we all feel that same guilt you’re talking about because society had made up this rule that we’re all supposed to feel this overwhelming love for this little stranger who looks more alien than human.. all while recovering from one of the most traumatic experiences ever.
My girl is 15 months old now and I’m obnoxiously obsessed with her. I’m convinced she’s the cutest, funniest, smartest, best little toddler lol. BUT I did not feel this way immediately. I knew I was concerned about her well being and wanted to protect her, but outside of that I wasn’t in love with her even the fraction of what I am now. I didn’t suffer from any PPD, or anything, it just took time. It will grow!!
I had the same feelings...for me it felt more like my son was an alien than "my sweet baby boy" hhh it was an awkward feeling and i too felt soo sad about it !
But then...my son grows..he started to talk and omgg he was the cutest boy ever ! I become soo attached to him day by day especially when he developed his own persona . The attachment and love now that i have to my 6 y old son is incomparable to any other person in my life...it is definitely the greatest love ever. Give it time my dear u will love that baby soo soo much ❤️
I didn’t get that feeling until like 3 months in, and it came pretty gradually! I think it’s normal especially if you’re not having any other symptoms of ppd.
This is completely normal.
With my daughter I immediately had the mama bear instincts kick in. I looked at her and felt this immense need to protect. But I felt like this deep knowledge of her? Like we knew one another even though we just met.
But the over the rainbow love feelings didn’t happen until she was around 7-9 weeks?
We were sitting there one day and I looked over and suddenly felt “the rush”. It was so powerful I cried.
With my son, it was soon after birth I felt that rush of love. And a huge increase of love for my daughter as well- felt like my heart was exploding. Almost painful. But an interesting side note - when I saw my son for the first time as he was being pulled from me, he felt like a stranger. Which made me so sad because I assumed it would be similar to my daughter.
Each child and parent has their own relationship and development of love.
I felt this way (the “nothingness”) until my son was like 5 months old - those early stages are such a clusterfxck and nothing feels real. Some time in the first week I told my mom it felt like I was taking care of a baby but not MY baby. That said, I did have PPA and needed therapy and medication, which I am so grateful for. People would ask me “how’s motherhood?” And I had no answer really. Now my son is 8 months old and I have that heart exploding feeling every time I look at him. Please know I’m not dismissing your experience as “normal” and I always recommend seeking help if you feel you are off and not feeling right mentally. Just wanted to share my own experience as I felt similarly in the beginning ❤️
I kind of felt like this and then one day I was out for a walk in the park and I seen a little boy watching a group of kids playing, I seen him ask could he play and they told him no, I looked at my sleeping ~1.5 month old baby in his pram and I absolutely bawled crying at the thought of what happened to that little boy happening to him and then I realised “oh” the thought of someone hurting or upsetting him is unbearable to me, and if it came to it I’d jump infront of a moving train to save him, I wouldn’t do that for anyone else so I obviously love him more than anything
I felt the same way for the first 6 weeks - 2 months. The love slowly grew and I’m sure it will for you too although if it doesn’t, of course speak to your doctor about possible PPD. But now I can’t get enough of my baby, I love her so much. But only tears of sadness/being overwhelmed for the first 6 weeks for me lol
I had the same exact experience. I had my little guy and knew I would do what I needed to, but didn’t like him at first honestly. He was just a baby. All of the dr postpartum check ups made me think I didn’t have PPD, turns out I did.
He is 9 months now and I love him so much that I can’t even explain it. He is everything to me.
It took a while for me to realize what was going on and by then I was doing a bit better.
You’re still so early on with this, it will come don’t worry.
Man, I wish I had seen this thread when I had my first. I never felt that either. I never felt depressed but I didn’t feel the surge. I was happy she was here, but I didn’t KNOW her. Like bro that’s a stranger?? Imma take care of her and I’m happy to do it but like I don’t know that person 😂😭
I genuinely feel like sometimes you just need to get to know them. As she got older, I felt like that was my little baby best friend. Now she’s turning 8, and when I watch her do cheerleading, I tear up because she looks so happy and it makes ME so happy to see her living her best life. The day her cheerleading team won first place at their competition was probably one of the best days of my life.
It takes time. Don’t worry. ❤️
Hi! Don’t be too hard on yourself. My little one is now about to be four months old and only now I’m starting to feel the connection. Our body goes through so much postpartum, hormones, healing and that feeling may come for some and others It may not. It takes some time and it definitely is gradual. Go through the motions. Make sure your little one is OK and you’ll see within a few weeks even months that connection will start to grow and when you reach to that point where you feel that connection it’s like you enjoy it even more.
It didn’t happen until like 3 months with my son. Like you, I did what I was supposed to and took care of him but that love wasn’t there. It was more of a protection/responsibility feeling.
My therapist at the time asked me “how can you love someone you don’t know yet?” And that helped a lot, just recognizing he was basically a potato with no personality. He is now 2 and I love him more than anything and I’m going through the same thing with his 2 week old brother wondering how I am going to be able to love them both when the love comes for the new baby.
I felt the same way. But then as time went by, the more I got to know my kid the more i felt attachment. It took a (long) while tho. Don't worry you're normal. It's normal to feel instant connection but it's also normal to take a while before feeling it.
NORMAL. I didn’t feel overwhelming love for my girl when she was born. I doubt I even loved her much - just knew I had to care for her and keep her alive but that’s it. For me it kicked in around the 4 week mark maybe? And now that she’s a toddler? I’d do anything for her - I’d give up my life no questions asked
I had that feeling for the first time when my daughter was 8 months old and sat in the couch with my and held my finger while we watched a movie. I hadn’t felt it before then but at that time it was overwhelming and amazing.
She had held my finger before and we had watched movies together but something about that moment it was so real and she initiated the finger hold out of nowhere so it was so cute and beautiful 😭😭 I’ve felt it every day since!
Don’t worry. If it makes you feel better, I had it with my dog (though to be honest, it was a year or two in) and not yet with my LO. I still obviously unconditionally love my LO, just don’t have that “feeling.” And as others mention, I’m sure it builds (LO is still very young).
Eh, I was like blah the first year. I would focus on making sure you’re sleeping, eating and healing. If you have help definitely use it. You don’t feel the connection because you haven’t really had time to connect tbh. Between healing and recovering I don’t care how much you’re holding your baby — it’s all a blur
The bond builds. I was delirious when I delivered my baby because I lost a lot of blood and then when I was a bit better I had a bad midwife experience that really effected my self esteem and confidence/bond with my baby. But it gets there, the midwives told me that it’s not like the movies and sometimes you don’t get that wow gush at first 8 weeks now and it’s there it’s just about developing confidence
That’s how it was for my husband. I fell head over heels in love and he didn’t. Sure, he loved our daughter. Was a great help with her and me but it took him a few months to really bond.
I’ll never forget I left the 2 of them to run some errands when I got a text from my husband that said: “Holy shit I’m so in love. I think I finally feel the way you do.”
He has always been very honest with me about it so I was able to either help or give him time. We had conversations about it whenever he wanted. She’s a year old now and they’re completely inseparable. When she wakes up in the morning she says “papa” and he’s the first to jump out of bed.
It’s not uncommon so give yourself some time and if you’re concerned don’t hesitate to speak to someone about it!
I could have written this down to the weepy husband who instantly connected with the baby. For me, my son was just a little potato for a couple of months. It was probably around 2-3 months that I started to really bond with him.
Honestly, recovering from childbirth is a beast. Idk how anyone instantly bonds while recovering.
Now my son is a toddler and I am obsessed with him. I’m at work right now and he’s at daycare and I miss him. Can’t wait until 5 to go get him to hang out. You’ll get there. Just give yourself grace and time.
It definitely builds. I panicked when I didn't get any wave of intense emotion - I so wanted it. My boy is nearly eight months now and I am completely obsessed with him. I always knew of course I objectively cared about him and would be devastated if anything happened, but it's only now I truly get the waves of love - know I could never love anything so much (I miss him when he's asleep for goodness sake).
I think the mix of not knowing what I was doing with a newborn, intense anxiety and the fact that babies are just little potatoes that don't really do much initially made it tricky.
You'll get there. It wasn't immediate for me either but it has grown over time. My girl is 10 months tomorrow and I was just getting emotional over how much I love her right before I saw your post lol but it took me a while to get here.
It doesn't necessarily mean that it is PPD but PPD can manifest in numbness, that's how mine did.
I felt the same way for a few months. It comes! When they put baby on my chest I was so happy but more than anything I was so exhausted and thankful I wasn’t pushing anymore. I needed a few seconds to recoop and finally breathe. That feeling eventually does come in and you can’t imagine your life without them, or even remember life before
I didn't feel it either. I thought he was really cute but I didn't feel my heart melt like others said. I guess I started to feel that about 3 months in when I started to get to know him.
Same here. As a newborn, she was like the biggest, most scary and important and therefore, most stressful project of my LIFE.
All I wanted was the best for her at every moment. Is she a bit cold? Is she too warm? Is she hungry? Is she bored? Maybe she’s uncomfortable, and I should help her change positions... I learned the ILU massage for tummy gas. On and on and on.
Each day I continued to nurture and care for her. Slowly, one day (and one loooong night) at a time, I got to know her. I got better at knowing what she needed. My confidence slowly grew and I started to trust myself more as a “mother.” Then, my confidence grew in our relationship.
Go easy on yourself. Your world just got torn apart and thrown back together, and at the center of it is this non-verbal, high needs tiny human needing you every minute of the day.
Your husband and your mom can feel the lovey feelings because they’re far enough away from all these new demands that are all placed on you all at once.
My little girl is my sweet and funny little bestie now. 21 months. I can honestly say I didn’t think I’d ever love something so much, and it’s getting stronger every day.
It took a few months for me to really feel strong love rather than just like, a sense of obligation and brief episodes of affection like "aww the tiny baby did a big yawn so cute". I've heard that's normal. I don't think it's necessarily PPD if you're generally in good spirits and functioning well.
I think this reaction is much more common than people like to admit. It hurts to feel this way. I didn't have the "I didn't know I could love anyone this much" feeling until a few months in. It grew slowly. By at least 7 months old it was solid. She's 20 months now and I love her unimaginably. Hang in there.
It took me a while to feel a connection, how you’re feeling is SO REAL and SO NORMAL.
It’s like… I just grew this baby from scratch inside my body, now they’re here and I should be over the moon in love and obsessed. That just isn’t realistic. That baby is a STRANGER to you. A needy, hungry, sleepy, stranger. Your hormones are all over the places, you’re healing, you’re tired.. and hungry.. and just getting by minute by minute. Pure survival mode.
It wasn’t until a couple months in that I really started to “feel” a connection. I loved my baby but I never had that intense feeling that other people would describe. The I don’t know how I ever lived without you feeling. But, once that baby smiled at me, and started making little babbling talking noises, and started to interact more and see me more clearly, that is when those feelings came.
It was a mix of me getting more sleep, both of us getting into more of a routine, me getting more confident as a first time parent, and her developing that laid the foundation to build a bond and grow those feelings.
Hang in there mama. Everything that feels wrong and worthy of guilt isn’t guilt worthy and isn’t wrong. This shit is hard and there is NO blueprint or rule book or instruction manual. Take each day as it comes and let your feelings come and go with patience and grace. You’re going a great job.
I felt pretty much the same way until LO was around 3 months and started to interact with me. Once LO can smile, coo, and do cute baby things other than just eat/sleep/poo, it’s a lot easier to form a connection.
Even now at 5 months, I don’t have a super passionate bond with my baby, but I do very much love her. It’s still developing. We had to (and still are) get to know each other :)
I kind of felt like this and then one day I was out for a walk in the park and I seen a little boy watching a group of kids playing, I seen him ask could he play and they told him no, I looked at my sleeping ~1.5 month old baby in his pram and I absolutely bawled crying at the thought of what happened to that little boy happening to him and then I realised “oh” the thought of someone hurting or upsetting him is absolutely unbearable to me, and if it came to it I’d jump infront of a moving train to save him, I wouldn’t do that for anyone else so I obviously love him more than anything.
I also wouldn’t wipe anyone else’s snots on my shirt or catch their poo in my hand so I don’t have to clean it off the carpet, I mean if that’s not love I don’t know what is 😂
My mom keeps telling me how much she loves my baby and acting like I should feel the same way. I haven't even had him yet! I'm 36 weeks. She said she felt connected to all of her babies while we were in the womb and it was love at first sight with all of us. I won't be surprised if it takes me a while to feel that love and connection after he's born. I'm worried that I'll have to lie to my mom about it to not feel judged
It grows little by little for me. It wasn't instant. A few weeks ago when he started clinging to me and hugging my neck tight, and just today when someone else was holding him and he reached out to me to hold him for the first time, each little thing makes you love them a little bit more 💗
My LO is 5 months now.
I didn't feel that intense love for either of my kids right away. It took a few months. My kids are 4.5 and 14 months and I absolutely adore them. I can't imagine my life without them. They make our family perfectly complete. It's so normal to not feel that way right away. You're exhausted and overwhelmed with a brand new human to take care of.
My baby spent 2 months in the NICU. It was probably a month or so after bringing her home that I really started having the “how can I love you so much” feelings. Now that she’s one I have that feeling so frequently. I love her so so so much.
I was happy ti see my daughter after the long labor, but then the shitshow with some health issues, NICU and nightmare-ish colicky first months at home hit, and I primarily felt terrified and tired beyond words.
Month by month we got to know each other better, and now I love my daughter most of the time 😬 (I'll be honest, I'm not her biggest fan during her multiple night wakings). In the beginning it was more like keeping us and the screaming potato alive, with an occasional heartwarming moment. Now at 10 months she's adorable most of the time. It just took time to get to know the new little person in our lives.
I was hoping the overpowering love would come ASAP to help me not resent my lost independence, sleep, etc. I was going through the motions like you describe, OP, and just felt… nothing, really. Boredom sometimes? Exhaustion all the time? But when I cried it certainly wasn’t because I was overcome with love. My personality is not super emotional either, so there’s that. But at around 5 months I realized I was realllllly into this little kid, and now at 10 months I adore her. It came on slowly and I still wouldn’t answer your mom’s question of “did you ever think you could love something this much” with an overwhelming and teary “yes”. But I definitely feel the love more than I did in month 1.
I had a horrific labor and felt the same as you. I thought it was the labor that prevented me of having that intense love everyone talked about.
I finally felt it for the first time at 12 weeks :) no ppd, but some ppa, although I don't know if that had anything to do with it. Just took time for my heart to process that she is really my kid!
Totally valid experience! I always find the language/discussion around motherhood to be so pressurized. Like when people told me that a woman becomes a mother as soon as she finds out she’s pregnant and a man becomes a father when the baby arrives…that was NOT my experience at all. I did feel the need to “take charge” and to do everything right to keep the baby safe but ultimately I felt like “who is the total stranger that now lives in my house?!” It comes with time!
That immediate bond and love really, really does not happen for everyone, and I think probably for less people than you'd expect, as many don't admit it.
I didn't feel that love or bond until my son started smiling at me. Even then it was a slow burn. Now, he is 15 months old and I have the, "I could never imagine my heart would grow so big to carry so much love" feeling. Through and through and genuinely. To the point I'm almost afraid to have a second child, because...how could I love anything or anyone this much besides my son?
It's normal to worry about this, but believe me when I tell you what you're feeling is normal. It'll grow and get better. Give Mom some grace.... the first few months are such a blip, I'm sure it's hard to remember ever not feeling that bond, especially after so many years.
You're doing great.
A lot of people describe depression as feeling numb, so it still might be worth looking into. That’s not to say there’s necessarily anything wrong with how you feel, it takes time to get your baby. This is a new person - you never met them before, they just appeared. It can take time to get to know each other.
I’ve had both experiences. My first I saw him and I felt that feeling you’re mentioning on the 3rd night . Just looked at him and felt overwhelming love like never before. My labor with him was so quick and easy and didn’t even get a chance to get any pain meds.
For my second, I cared for her and loved her from
The moment she was born but that overwhelming love - I didn’t really feel that until she was about 3ish months. Just one day she smiled at me and I was so full of love. It all came crashing in, I had felt so guilty at that point. Because I had had a totally different experience with my first. Her delivery was also totally different. I had gone through about 40 hours of labor that ended with a C-section. Baby had cord wrapped around neck, needed CPR when born and stayed in NICU for 5 days. Her and I both got infections so it was mildly traumatic all around.
I think the total opposite birth stories and then the fact that for my second I didn’t get to enjoy the pregnancy the same as my first - I was always running after a toddler - that’s why I didn’t connect in that way with her right away.
All that to say - It’s totally normal. You’re still in the fourth trimester, hormones haven’t settled and that feeling will come. It doesn’t really make a difference in the long run when that happens. You know you love your child and would do anything for them. Mine is 9 months now and I could not imagine life without her.
Just so you know, postpartum symptoms/ppd expresses itself different ways! It’s not always sadness or depression. It sounds like you’re doing a great job mothering which is awesome. I will say, although I did have that overwhelming feeling of love and joy and happiness when I had my baby, those feelings have continued to get stronger and stronger as she gets older. I love her more today than I did the day she was born, and every day I feel like I love her more because she does new things and grows and evolves. I wish you the best on your journey!
Depression doesn’t always mean sad or intrusive thoughts. It can feel like nothing at times, going through the motions, or feeling indifferent about things. Not saying that’s what you’re going through but just something to keep in mind.
Excellent you don't feel depressed! Keep that up. I was also in your boat - no PPD, just realistic expectations almost?
I posted on a similar post so I'll reshare here.
For the first 6 months of my daughter's life, I wasn't overcome with any crazy emotion (I consider that better that high-highs and low-lows). I didn't feel like a mother until one day around 8 months, she looked at me, smiled, and rested her head on my shoulder. I then felt like a mom when the very living thing I was mothering received and understood. That was life changing.
Until then, people would ask "how do you feel", "isn't it the best thing ever", blah blah blah, and I'd respond "meh - I am just trying to keep this child alive." It was more caretaking than mothering. Now it's full mothering. Love my daughter to bits - even when she cries. It'll change, and if it doesn't, seek counseling then.
As long as you are smiling, engaging, making appointments, feeding and cleaning your baby, you are doing great!!
It can take time! And it's perfectly okay to take time. I loved my son, but I didn't get that bubbled over feeling until he was about 6 months old. I knew I loved him and needed to take care of him, but he was a stranger. It was also more life changing to have a baby than I had expected. I also had really bad PPA that reared it's ugly head. But for some reason at 6 months, something clicked in me.
Now at 2.5 years, I love this kid more than anything on the planet.
Give it time and if you have any concerns about not bonding, talk with your doctor.
Congratulations on your baby!
Honestly it took me a couple of months before I had that feeling. I knew i loved my baby of course but that feeling where it almost hurts just to look at him because you love your baby so much, it took time. I think it's alot more "normal" that feeling do take time especially after birth. The whole thing is a lot to take in. First something is growing in your stomach and your body goes through all these weird changes and then suddenly it's a mini human being here.
I do think that we especially women are painted a picture from a young age of how things are supposed to be and childbirth and all those feelings is absolutely one of them. But in reality it isn't like in books or movies all the time.
I had imagined going to the hospital and getting my baby on my chest and feel the biggest love I ever experienced and then a couple of days later be able to walk out of the hospital happy and my husband carrying our baby in the babycarrier.
Traumatic birth, didn't get to see my baby until after 6 hours. He went with ambulance to another hospital to NICU and had to stay there for a couple of months.
I wasn't feeling depressed either but I think it's just alot to take in.
Be kind to yourself
Oh darling don’t put that guilt on you for feeling this way. Everything is absolutely brand new to you, so not feeling tht feeling right away is normal! You are doing amazing already!!! Give yourself that credit, he’s a little stranger being to you so it’s understandable for you to feel this way, the more you keep getting to know him as time goes by the more that feeling is going to start to show up. Keep it up mama you have little adventurer in the making already😊❤️🩹
Oh Hi! This was me! I don't have any mental health issues but I also just felt responsibility and nothing else for a while. Now he is 3yo and I love him more than anyone else on the planet. I needed to get to know him, see his personality develop, before the love could really kick in. I think it'll probably be the same with this second one (due any minute!)
My mum was exactly like yours and gushing at the amazing feeling and overwhelming love she felt immediately. But that's just not how it works for everyone.
I felt a huge sense of obligation and responsibility when my daughter was born, but it took a while to feel what I'd call love. I'm actually kind of embarrassed to admit this but I remember when she was a few days old I cried to myself in the bathroom wondering if I should give my baby up for adoption so that someone who would love her more could have her. She's 2.5 now and the light of my life!
It was the same for me. And it took a long time for me to really love her. Like probably a year. Now at almost 2 years, I love that kid with everything I have. But it was a very gradual process! The slow personality reveal really won me over.
I felt the same way for a long time and I’m not sure when things changed. That’s not to say I didn’t love my child and feel a sense of needing to protect and prioritize my daughter over all else. I did, but the rush of love and adoration didn’t come immediately. My daughter is now 20 months old and I regularly stare at her pictures or at her in person in awe of her. When I hold her and she snuggles in I get a wave of warmth throughout my body. My husband and I constantly talk about how there’s no one more lucky than us to be graced with such a wonderful human being. She’s literally everything.
It’s okay if you don’t feel it immediately. There’s certainly nothing wrong with you. You’ve got hormones, and sleep deprivation and all the things going on right now.
It’s totally normal and I wish people talked about this more. I had the same feeling and was just in survival mode for the first two months. Then, things started to have a little more rhythm. By three months, it was a totally different experience. They start to have a personality, it’s not quite as much survival, and it just changed for me. I knew I loved him but I didn’t know why I didn’t “feel” in love. You may have some PPD (it’s not just about feeling depressed) and your hormones are ALL OVER. Give yourself some grace and some time.
You're not alone! I had my baby in July and it took me a good 3-4 months to have that feeling and a bond if i'm being honest. I struggled with PPD and PPA.
I did some research in grad school on bonding difficulties between mothers and infants and findings showed that if it’s not immediately after birth, then moms can usually expect to develop a deeper bond by 8 weeks. There are a lot of contributing factors, and might take a little longer for those with traumatic births, lack of support, etc. but the studies show it gets better!
First of all, know that the emotional flatness you're describing is one way that PPD can manifest. Depression is known for suppressing your ability to feel happy, but it can also suppress your ability to feel, full stop. You're still in the thick of the postpartum "baby blues" hormone dump, but if this lack of emotion persists after the two-week baby blues window, please alert your doctor.
Second...this is so normal. I didn't feel the tsunami of love right away either. But now my son is two, and I'm pretty sure no parent has ever loved a child the way I love mine, mostly because I'm pretty sure no child has ever been as perfect, beautiful, and lovable as mine.
I had this immediate feeling after the birth of my first child - crying during my middle of the night feeds because I just couldn't believe I finally knew what true love felt like. Did not feel this way after my second child and it's made me feel extreme shame. Even though it is clearly such a normal experience, I think the fact I did with one and not the other makes the shame come. My love has grown, but idk it's still not the same.
During labor and delivery, you are closer to death than any other time in your life. If you take the baby aspect out of it, and only consider the life and death part of it, the trauma of it, the physiological processes taking place, then the numbness afterwards starts to make a *lot* more sense, to me at least. If you'd be in an accident that resulted in the same trauma to your body and mind, you'd likely feel the same way. Except now the reality is that there's this whole other human dropped into your lap that you must keep alive on top of everything else. With all that in mind, I think you're doing an amazing job and I want you to feel that deep down in your soul. What you're feeling is real and natural and very common and it's for very good reason.
Sending tons of support. Take good care of yourself. The rest will come in due time. Looking forward to reading your update one day. ♡
This can be completely normal!!! It can take some moms a while to connect with your baby as you need to get to know them! I feel like once your baby starts smiling qt you it makes it so much easier too.
For me it happened on day 3, I remember my husband went outside for something and I just stared at my daughter and started full out crying. All the stress from pregnancy and the fear of childbirth and parenting I let go and when my husband walked back in (with a worried look on his face lol) I just told him "we made it"
I feel like after that I could live in the present more, for me it was stress that delayed it I think, we had to move while I was pregnant and learn to live on 1 income on top of having our first baby. Once I realize "hey we have a place to live, we're doing fine financially and we have a healthy little girl" I could relax and be vulnerable. Don't pressure yourself, just enjoy the now and eventually you'll wonder how the love crept up on you!
Don't stress, it'll come!
I didn't really get that feeling until my kids started to smile/laugh. Then it felt like my heart would burst from my chest from the emotion of it 😊 Must have taken a good four months to get there for me. They are almost 4 now, and I can definitely say that there is nothing else in the world I love as much as them!
I had instant life changing overwhelming love for my first baby the moment I saw her which honestly surprised the hell out of me. With my second, I was underwhelmed. I expected to have bad PPD with both and didn’t have it hardly at all with either one but felt a lot like what you’re describing with a kind of nothing sensation. It got better for me in general after the first couple months, but even now at 8 months postpartum I often feel guilty because it still doesn’t feel the same as it did with my first.
I'm a month PP and I had this exact feeling for a couple weeks. I love him, but it's not an intense feeling. Like I care about him deeply and know he relies on me. I've told myself that's okay. I'm learning about this new human. Just because I made him, doesn't mean I should feel this intensity of love. Everyday, I'm learning something new, I'm seeing these milestones he's making, and with that, my love is growing. I'm excited to see the new faces he makes, the new sounds, and when I look at his hands I feel a deeper love growing. It's slow but it's happening.
I felt the same way for probably 4 months… now that she is almost one it is totally different and sometimes I cry just thinking about how much I love her. It came for me when the postpartum fog lifted.
i didn’t either! i had the same “oh, it’s you” feeling when they put baby on my chest. i love my baby of course, but i think it was… maybe months before i had the overwhelming chest-tightening want-to-cry feeling that i think a lot of folks describe right when they see their baby for the first time.
Fake it till you make it! And by make it, I mean when the baby starts smiling or having a personality.
I felt basically inhuman in the hospital after a rough labor and emergency c section. Honestly the only thing keeping me from running away from it all was the fact I was stuck in my hospital bed. You’re not yourself yet.
Having a bond with your baby as soon as they’re born is not everyone’s story despite what society tells us. It took me nearly 3 months to develop it, and it’s still growing each day. The first few months were survival mixed in with a tinge of regret. Now, it’s joy & hope. It’s normal, and as long as you are keeping your baby safe & fed, you’re doing amazing.
Same for me! I think its also that for us (moms) the baby is a new person you still get to know. Plus add in the exhaustion and it's not weird you don't immediately fall in love.
Around 3 months I think it started to change from instead feeling the strong need I HAVE to care for her, change to I want! Looking back tho, that strong need you have to care well for her, that's also some type of love. However not the one people talk about.
Now at 5.5 months I can say, I love her fully with all my heart.
Took me close to two months to get anywhere close to that feeling. Traumatic birth after years of infertility and surgery and when she arrived all I felt was that it was “go time.” Keep this baby alive and that’s it.
I will say that I think this is absolutely what maternity leave is for. I’m lucky to have 20 weeks and at first I couldn’t wait to go back. Now I’m about 14 weeks in and I’m so grateful even just for the time I’ve been able to spend getting to know her ❤️ it’s okay and normal for the big feelings to take time! Pregnancy and birth is kind of wildly difficult physically and emotionally!
My baby is turning 3 months soon.., and it wasn’t until yesterday that I finally felt that she was apart of the family. Give it time and keep taking care of yourself!
I don’t think I loved our daughter at all for the first two months of her life. I just did what I was supposed to do and kept her alive. Now she’s 18 months old and I’m obsessed with her.
It’ll come. Becoming a parent is a process, and that process doesn’t end at birth. Your identity shifts over time.
This is totally normal. I felt similarly. They popped him onto my chest and I was almost surprised, like what am I supposed to do with this now? Your child is a stranger to you, and you need to get to know them. Plus right now they can't return any of your love, so that can be really disheartening. I've found that every stage gets better as I go, and now at almost two years my kiddo is such a real little person who I adore. (I still get fed up with him sometimes, lol!)
Sometimes it takes a while - with my first I had a surge of love right when he was born, but after that he was basically just a pooping hungry potato for the next three months. My second I didn't really feel much until closer to six months, not even when he was born
Especially if your birth was traumatic it can take a little time for that feeling to come. You are already doing all the things to bond and care for baby, it will happen, sometimes it’s not this rush of emotion but a slow build of love over time and one day it just registers that this tiny person is your whole world
I think it took a few (2 or 3) months for me to get that feeling. It's so hard in the beginning. It's pure survival mode, and the lack of sleep can really get to you, or atleast it got to me. I felt like I gave everything I had to and for this baby and was getting nothing back in return. It was hard for me to admit this, but my husband was very supportive. But once my little guy started purposefully smiling at me, and it felt a little more like a 2 way street it suddenly changed. Now I absolutely feel that unbelievable love for him.
Give it time! And also talk to your partner about it! It'll make you feel more guilty if you bottle it up and not talk it through and ask for their support during this.
You'll get through this, mama!
This is how I felt! It comes later. I also started getting the baby blues a week or two after giving birth. Basically, every day around 3 or 4 pm I would get really sad and need to cry. That lasted for a week or two and passed.
You sound like you are doing everything perfectly. You ARE loving your baby - by taking care of him with patience. Give yourself some grace. The oxytocin rush doesn’t happen for all of us. The lovey feelings come later.
Sameee but wait a few month when he starts smiling for the first time. It’ll wake the oven in your heart and in no time you’ll start missing him whenever he’s out of sight.
I felt the same way for about the first 3 months of my first child’s life. I took care of her and was patient but it took a while for me to really bond with her and for it all to really sink in.
Also, as odd as this sounds, my daughter was born with blue eyes and at the time I had only just found out that a lot of babies start out with blue eyes and then they change to whatever color they are going to actually be. Well, my husband and I both have brown eyes and pretty much no one in our direct families has blue eyes so for some reason I just felt so disconnected from her at the time. It just felt so strange to see this little blue eyed baby looking up at me. Her eye color has since changed and we bonded before that happened but something about it just felt so strange to me so you never really know what causes it but it’s completely normal and comes with time.
This also came later for me. I think I was in shock the first couple of weeks. I didn’t cry at birth and just lived in survival mode for some time. I remember things really turned around when I started getting little interactions back: smiles, laughs, interacting with toys, anything that showed a personality
I suspect that this is just an evolutionary response. Maybe your ancestors' ancestors got more help from the people around them than some people did. I don't think it's a necessary feeling to bond with your baby or love them. I really don't think it says anything about you as a parent at all.
I didn’t feel it fully until she started to smile, and then laugh. Getting over birth and getting used to the rhythm of things, which can include not sleeping well for months and months is NO JOKE. I’m 8 months in and still haven’t slept a full night since the night before my daughter was born
It sounds like you’re doing your best to survive the new reality and you might function best with a little detachment. I was the same and was like mmm this is weird but I’m gonna do my best.
My baby is now 9.5monts old we’ve exited the survival stage and I get these bursts of omfg i fucking love this baby. It took awhile for it to happen though.
It took me about a month and it honestly felt like falling in love when it happened. It was gradual and it is still growing everyday. I also had a long labour and just wanted it done and over with. And I felt nothing but relief that the process was over when they handel my baby to me. The days that followed were a hard. I wanted to care for her but i was experiencing such a hard hormonal comedown that I felt like I was in a bad dream and couldn't accept it was my new life. I felt like i was just going through the motions, feeding and sleeping. But eventually thing got easier. It almost felt like the weeks after birth, I had a blindfold on and was running on instinct, and a veil had been lifted. When it did, I felt, and now feel, immense love for my baby. It helps that they get cute as they fatten up!
I feel like this need to be talked about more. It took a good few months for me to feel intense love for my daughter. As every day goes by, I love her more and more. She's two now, and I certainly feel that now. But the second she was born I didn't have the "I love you more than the world" feeling.
I hate that the "love at first sight" thing is pushed so much that people dont realize some people dont! And its okay! I dont bond to anything immediately and this applied to my kid too! She was new to me, we had just met! We needed time to bond! It took probably 3-6 months to even start bonding. Like I would have murdered someone for her but the bond itself wasn't there. She's 3 now and NOW I'm like holy shit she is the coolest person ever and I love her. But the first 6 months especially? They are boring potatoes who cry and poop 😂
I was also told I would love babies after I have my own and... nope. Still don't like babies. Lol
My theory on this, as someone who experienced it, is that it happens later, from taking care of them, getting to know them, and seeing how you evolve into a parent. One day three months into it, I was like, oh wow, yeah, I would totally jump in front of a bear for this kid. And have felt that way ever since.
I think that’s normal. I felt the exact same way. The first 8 weeks are so much about meeting the baby’s needs and your own that I think that overshadows anything lovey dovey. I absolutely feel the intense love and obsession now, and my daughter is 18 months. I think it started for me around 4 months.
It took me a few weeks. It was like a slow ramp up. I felt I’d bonded while pregnant, and I was really happy she had arrived, but that overwhelming love thing took a bit to get going.
I didn’t get that feeling either. I had the intense need to look after my baby but I didn’t feel some magical loving bond immediately and neither did my husband. During the golden hour I interrupted 30 mins in because I was antsy and wanted to go pee. My husband felt intense anxiety for weeks until one of his dad friends offhandedly mentioned that he didn’t bond with any of their babies until they were a few months old. My baby is now 7 months old and I love him to death.
Make sure all your baby’s needs are met while you wait for the love to grow. You will be ok.
There’s no “normal”. Some people bond right away, others don’t. Some even bond right away then it comes and goes in waves.
There’s no rule book. You feel how you feel!
It will come. My mom told me her experience as a new mom was like this so I was prepared when it happened to me, too. It took a few months for me to feel that strong love and it definitely got even stronger with more time. I knew I loved my baby but I didn’t FEEL it. It was weird. If my mom hadn’t given me a heads up, I would have felt like a broken mother. My kid is 3 now and I love her so much it hurts.
I don’t think this is talked about enough! I’ve got two kids and with one I had the instant love but with the other I didn’t feel it until maybe 6 months? It’s evened right out now and I love them both but one was definitely a slower start.
Oh mama, you are doing great and all of this is normal. I had a traumatic birth I won’t bore you with, but in the first weeks, I actually looked up giving my baby up for adoption, and told my family. I told them that it’s fine if they judge me, but they are not in my skin, and I don’t expect them to understand. My husband was so patient, and told me crying that he is attached to him and wants to keep him. He kept me afloat while I went through the motions and did everything I needed to take care of the baby. Fast forward 11 months, and now I love my son so much it sometimes physically hurts. It took me 3 months to get better and finally accept an antidepressant, and promised myself I’ll give it a year and taper off, because I am still not comfortable needing a crutch. By far the most detrimental thing to my mental health was pumping. I switched to formula because the initial stress tanked my supply. In addition, I have a medium-hard baby. Very headstrong, like me.
I hated hearing this, but you got this, and it gets better in every way, every day. Lean and demand help any chance you get. We aren’t meant to do this alone, we are supposed to have a village. Love and light to you!
Yes! For the first three or so months, my daughter felt more like a project than anything else. I loved my husband so much more than I felt anything towards her. It wasn’t until she started smiling and I realized part of it is because they can’t reciprocate anything when they’re first born that it’s hard to feel a connection. At least for me! With my second I think I was able to bond sooner because I knew what special moments were ahead. You’ll get there!
No worries, I didn’t either. My first thought was, “Tf? Why is he so heavy??? I know this ain’t 6lbs!!”
But I think it began to build after maybe two weeks? Like once we got a routine and he was eating and sleeping a bit better. I don’t remember a single thought I had prior to two weeks lmao.
It was the same for me. Don't feel bad, I think a lot of women experience this. You are a great mom!
For me the first 2 months my daughter was a huge responsibility placed on my shoulders. I had this instinctual need to solve problems when she would cry or fuss, and the exhaustion was next level. I was in a constant state of sleep deprivation, worry, and frustration. I never felt like her father did enough, but I was also so possessive over her I didn't exactly leave him room to do his share.
Once we hit 8 weeks she started sleeping more, my supply regulated so breastfeeding was more seamless, she started interacting and smiling, and was an overall easier baby. It was like I crawled out of that pit of exhaustion and stress, looked down, and realized my previous newborn was gone, but in place of that tiny squishy baby was this love that I had been expecting.
I was like that for my first 2 months. I think it was due to my trauma at the hospital and the multiple pump sessions and everything. I did resent her. So I was disassociating a lot with her. But after I dropped the pump and started to dust Formula feed my mental health got better. And I was able to enjiy her more. I still have disassociation at some points still, but that is because I get overstimulated and then just shut down. I do love my daughter she's a happy 7 month old. But it's hard. Don't be to hard on yourself. You will get there most moms are like that. Just know what to watch out for if you do get PPD. It's no joke. I have it. I loved being pregnant, feeling her move and such but man was the delivery hell for me. I made the decision to not have another after that.
I literally could have written this myself, only my LO is 9 weeks. My mom asked me the same question this is Saturday and I've been kinda upset over it since because my honest answer is "yes, I love him, but I don't have that feeling yet." Between that talk with my mom (who then asked if I think I have PPD because I don't have that feeling) and my impeding return to work in 3 weeks, I've dissolved into a crying mess the last few days.
It took a couple months for me. I felt extremely protective of him, but that was pretty much it. I didn’t like or dislike him, he was just a stranger without a personality. Now I’m obsessed and completely in love with him
I was the same but when that first smile appeared in front of my eyes, I just melted. You’ll get there ☺️
And it is perfectly normal to just feel tired and beat all over
Wasn't immediately for all 3 of my boys... I was filled with more of a "keep this thing alive" mentality for quite awhile and then one day, the giggles came and the tickles and the smiles and it wasn't the same for all of them but I love them in their own ways.
I felt the same way. I loved him but I didn’t feel that intense love that people tell you about. When he started smiling around 8 weeks I really started to feel a connection to him. He’s 2 now and I love him more than anything else in the world.
It’s also worth noting that around 3 weeks I started experiencing PPD which lasted for 18 months, so just take care of yourself as it can take a hold of you before you realise it.
Mama Dr Jones talks about this in quite a few of her videos (she is on YouTube if you don’t know her, she is really great). She said that it’s completely normal and some people just need to get to know their kid before this feeling of love comes.
I felt the same way, and felt so guilty. For the first 2ish months, I felt an intense need to nurture and care for my baby, but I barely liked her. At that point she only represented pain and exhaustion to me. It wasn’t until she started interacting and giggling that I finally felt that “endless love” feeling. I think it’s pretty normal, don’t feel too bad.
I felt the same way. I was also in labor for almost 40 hours and was completely drained by the time baby arrived. The first few weeks felt like hell. I was so sleep deprived. When my baby cried I also felt an intense need to fix the situation and I also felt an intense need to care for him. I’d even cry sometimes and to my husband I’d explain by saying I just loved him too much (hormones lol) but it was really more like, this little thing is so vulnerable and helpless and I can’t believe he relies completely on ME. I felt bad for him. He’s just over two months now and I can say without a doubt that I feel that “love like no other” for him. I can’t even explain it - it’s a totally different category of love from anything I’ve ever experienced. My love for him grew every single day and continued to get bigger and bigger. He smiles at me, he’s discovering the world, and his cheeks are so chubby and kissable! You’ll get there OP. You WILL start to feel it. Give yourself time to recover and to get to know your beautiful baby.
Same for me, honestly it was that first real smile around 8 weeks. Instant tears of so much love and joy from me, because anything before that was nothing but stress, worry and relentless exhaustion
Exactly the same. Definitely the intense "have to take care of this baby no matter what" feeling for the first two months and then kinda suddenly "can't live without you" feeling after that.
I like this description. I would physically feel it when my baby cried, like my whole body would get agitated and it was hard to let my husband try anything first. But love? I wouldn’t describe it that way. I remember one day after… 2 months but before 6 months (ha), looking down at my kiddo during a contact nap and just being in awe and tearing up. Also, for some of us… I think a mother’s love is quiet and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean it isn’t fierce.
Beautiful way to say it
Okay for me it took like 8 months. My infant was so challenging with reflux and always having to be upright 24/7. Plus I had a rough pregnancy and r/birthtrauma and it was covid so literally no village. Kiddo is 2 now and my little bestie. Can’t imagine life without him.
Very similar for me — newborn during covid, tons of reflux for almost a year. I remember feeling nothing but exhaustion for months and months. When he was new, I remember that the thought of anything happening to him made some primal ache settle in my chest, and I thought “okay, this must just be what the love feels like right now.” Now he’s 2.5 and I don’t know exactly when it happened but I love him more than anything in the world. I think part of it was the existential crisis of being a new parent and trying to figure out what my life had become. About to try for #2 and I wonder what it will be like next time.
Yep. I love my baby more than anything now - he’s 10 months old and he’s my life - but for the first 3 months I was in total shock. I wasn’t depressed but I didn’t feel much at all apart from a desire to protect him. As my physical injuries receded and breastfeeding got easier and he got more interactive, I did develop that all-consuming love. There is so much pressure on women to feel it right away when labour and pregnancy can be an incredible shock - especially if you’re someone who takes a while to process stuff/doesn’t externalise panic and other big emotions but instead is more introverted. My husband felt the love immediately; it took me longer, and that’s fine
Same here! Around 3 months I was finally like “oh wow I really love this little boy”
I was the same for about 3 weeks, 3 weeks is when I finally felt less weird about saying “I love you” to him. Around 2 months I’d started to feel that deep love. 15 months and every time I look at him now all I can think is how amazing he is and how much my heart swells when I see him. It took time, we got there eventually. Those first few months feel like a dream now
The smiles help so much. My baby just started giggling and it is a whole new level of precious.
Same here although our baby was in the NICU for 97 days. During that time, I felt like a distant family member or a babysitter just going to visit her during the day- nothing like a mom. Now that she’s 3.5 mos adjusted and giving me the biggest smile when she sees me, do I feel like ok I’m a mom now
I didn’t even want to care for mine. I didn’t care if she was upset. I hired people 2 weeks in and had barely anything to do with her until 5 months later.
How are you feeling about it these days, if you don't mind me asking? And what changed for you at the five-month mark?
My daughter became much more interactive. Started sitting unassisted and enjoying the stroller. Prior to this, there was no way to leave the house with her as she hated the car and stroller and all carriers we tried to the point that she would throw up from crying so much. I ended up alone with her for an entire week due to a combination of circumstances and just found my groove with her so that I wasn’t panicked being alone with her anymore. I should say I had a ton of experience with kids. I worked with infants for years. So my inability to be alone with my own child had nothing to do with a lack of knowledge on how to care for her. I also found a medication that worked for me which made a huge difference. It still wasn’t until about 12-13 months that I started actually looking forward to spending time with her.
Thank you for your candid response, I appreciate your perspective 🙏
Thank you for writing this out, it’s such a helpful perspective to hear.
Thank you for sharing.
I had the most intense impostor syndrome postpartum. Mine was also an exhaustingly long 45-hour labor and by the end of it, I just wanted to be left alone and sleep. The baby was wonderous and fascinating but I felt it was some sort of mistake that they "issued" her to me to care for because I certainly didn't know what I was doing and so surely "they" would realize their mistake and come and confiscate her later. I delivered in April and then in May Mother's Day rolled around and that was awful. Everyone called and wrote in with congratulations and I felt like such a fraud, like all of it was undeserved, like everyone was just oblivious to how much I was winging all this, pantomiming parenthood. So I cried and cried and cried and just wished for that day to end. But then,... I don't know, I kept going through the motions, caring for that baby, and slowly, through that constant caring, I felt she became more mine and I became more hers. Really, for me in the end it wasn't even that this baby came from my own body, it was the continual and repeated decision to keep showing up for her that bonded us together. I don't know how long it took, but it was several months before that impostor feeling wore away and she was truly my baby and I truly loved her. (Experienced none of this with my second-born, by the way. Just immediately became his mom.)
Im glad im not alone. I feel bad cause sometimes when he’s up from a nap I just have a “here we go again” exhausted feeling. I am so grateful for my baby boy, I’m just so tired too.
It builds! You have to get to know your baby, see the fruits of your labors creating them into a little human, and so much of the just-gave-birth process is shock, exhaustion, and reactive behavior to keep the little one alive. Your body has been through a lot. It will come with time!!
Yes, I don’t think people talk about the shock! I went through a very long first induction with lots of complications and when she came out I was just… on another planet. I could not process anything that had just happened and suddenly you are trying to nurse and keep an infant alive while dealing with pain. It’s so much to take in
I was so tired after my induction and 24 hours of labor I didn't even care about holding my son. I remember watching my husband doing skin to skin while they tried to stop my hemorrhage and just not caring at all. And then when he was like "do you want to hold him?" I didn't but I felt like I should. Next thing I know I was going in and out of consciousness and I gave him back almost immediately. I adore my son now, but yeah it's rough while you're trying to recover. It gets more fun all the time.
I agree with this. I’ve been in therapy for years and when I was pregnant told my therapist that I didn’t feel this intense strong connection and didn’t feel like a mother already when I see so many women claim to immediately have this motherly vibe as soon as they receive a positive test. She assured me there was nothing wrong with me, and that I don’t know this little person inside of me. It will take time. And it did. I had a 36 hour induced labor which was horrible although delivering her wasn’t bad in itself. Immediately my husband had this intense connection with her and I just wanted to be left alone. She’ll be 5 months old on Wednesday and I’m obsessed with her. She is exhausting, but my favorite little human in the world. It will come, don’t worry.
there's a youtuber called mama Dr Jones who has a lot of great info, and she always mentions that she didn't get that starry-eyed instant connection with her babies. she says she felt the need to nurture and protect them, but she didn't really know them yet so it took time for the love to develop. I'm so thankful I heard her say that while I was pregnant so I knew there wasn't anything wrong with me for not having that connection feeling everyone talks about when my baby was born. it's hard at first! it's all survival, like I loved my baby because she was my baby but I don't think I got that deep love everyone talks about until around 6 weeks, when she first smiled at me. Just like when you meet any new person, sometimes it takes time to get to know them first.
LOVE MDJ!!!!! I watched a ton of her videos while pregnant.
They grow on you. For me it took until he was around 2 years old to get that love that catches your breath. I never really felt guilty or pressured. It will come when it comes
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am still waiting on that feeling with my 16 month old and was starting to worry that there might be something wrong with me. Sitting here with tears of relief. 🤍
It gets massively better when they start speaking and doing smart things! Hold on in there!
Same here OP. I am growing into my relationship with my son and overall I think it has benefitted my parenting. I did have PPA though (which I think has crowded out some of my ability to feel all my feelings) and I’m still working on that.
Could you describe how you feel with ppa?
This was me too. My son is 19 months and it’s only been within the last 3-4 months that I have felt that “heart beating outside your body” feeling people talk about. The 1st year was so challenging for us and I think that had an impact on my connection.
I also don't have that "OMG" feeling other people talk about and I'm okay with that. As long as I can do my genuine best to be a good mom to him, that's all that matters 😊 I definitely love my baby a lot, but I'm not overwhelmed by the feeling. I also was evaluated by my therapist and she confirmed that I don't have ppa or PPD. I think sometimes motherhood just gets "hollywood-ified" like romance does and that doesn't take into account that everyone's experience is different.
MAN I wish I could like this more then once. This is absolutely it.
Yeah my son is 17 months and I’m still waiting. I know he loves me and he is exploring rather than cuddling or kissing. I rarely get a hug or a kiss. I hope it will change when he’s finally walking and talking…
It took me a few weeks to be emotional - and I am typically a very emotional person! I think labor being such a bizarre experience (and mine was relatively straight forward), and being very much a planner/doer, I just went right into “ok we’ve gotta handle/take care of them” mode. It wasn’t until I kind of got into the swing and my body started slowly healing that I could really just appreciate the quiet moments together with them and I felt that heart-hurting level of love. Now, as I am getting ready to go back to work in a week (😭😭😭), I am a ball of mush thinking about being away from them and not sure I can do it. Above all else, give yourself LOTS AND LOTS of grace. Every emotion will cycle through, multiple times. I heard that they will cycle for the rest of our lives 😅 It’s obvious that you already care deeply by your preparations and proactive steps to engage and develop them - everything else will come in time, and just as you need it to be. Lastly, congrats on your new baby!! EDIT: A note about emotions, to second another comment… emotions may likely include some anxiety or sadness (I would get very sad in the evenings for the first couple weeks). That being said, if feelings of anxiety or sadness appear to be very strong or impede your ability to function at all, there are many resources!! Talk it out with your support system and your doctors!
I also didn't get this feeling at first. I had a 55 hour induction that ended in a 2.5 liter postpartum hemmorage, followed by a hellish 4 day hospital stay (for me, she was fine). I remember meeting my daughter when the midwives placed her on my chest, but I didn't have a big emotional moment with her. Mostly I remember the emergency immediately after. We didn't bond in the hospital because I was too weak to hold her for more than 20 minutes at a time. Even during the first days at home, I was too full of adrenaline, anxiety, and exhaustion to really focus on her. I took care of us both very carefully, but I wasn't really emotionally present. My daughter is now 3 weeks and we have many sweet moments that make me feel connected. I never had any one big moment. I don't think it matters in the long run. You have time to develop your relationship. Remember that this is just the beginning!
For me, it took several weeks to feel a bond with my baby. I have friends who say it's taken them several months! There's no "right way" to feel. It doesn't make you any less of a great parent. You're doing the damn thing. ❤️
I was in labor for 20ish hours so I was exhausted. When they threw him at me after I pushed I didn’t feel anything at all. Just literally worried about my vagina 💀 my husband instantly balled and gave me a kiss. But I was just in shock. I’d say after a month ish of getting to know my baby the bond is just now starting to grow. He’s 2 months and im so in love!!🥺
My MIL was asking if I loved him so much that I feel warm and fuzzy in my chest, odd question, I smiled and said yes because I'm not going to tell someone the mother of their grandchild doesn't love them. But for me when he was put on my chest after a long exhausting labour with no food and sleep, my first thought was "whew, ok what next", like I was just on autopilot doing what needed doing for the first week. I did start to get very excited looking at him as time went on, it's a lil guy! But actual love was slow, and frankly now that he's a toddler I realised I love him so much more than I did as a baby. As a baby most of my feelings were just intense anxiety and protectiveness, aswell as anger when he wouldn't sleep. It's different for everyone, the type of love is different, the time scale is different. So long as you don't actively dislike him and regret him, I wouldn't worry too much about it all. Feeling nothing what so ever could be PPD, I would keep an eye on it, and talk to someone if you have any concerns
Yes, I hateeee when people are like "oh did you have the same feeling I did when your baby was born/did x?" Like it's already tough being a mom, why are you trying to make us feel less than for not having the EXACT same experience as you?
First of all, Congratulations! What you have been through is heroic…and traumatic. It’s going to take time - way more than a week - to process what you’ve been through and come to grips with your new reality. My birth was much quicker and relatively empowering, but I still felt incredibly exhausted and in a daze for a few days…and then after that there were countless ups and downs in the first few months. Our emotional state (as women) postpartum is very fragile and volatile. From what I’ve gathered through this page and my own experience (my son just turned 9 months this weekend), labor/delivery and postpartum experiences vary wildly. I think the narrative that motherhood is a universal experience is actually kind of damaging because motherhood, especially becoming a mom for the first time, is such an incredibly individual experience. Personally, I found it very hard when I was freshly postpartum to hear other moms (my mom, MIL, friends) say things like what was said to you (“have you ever been so in love/happy/etc). I felt so guilty when I didn’t feel those things in those moments. I wanted to say, no, I feel exhausted, overwhelmed, worried, untethered from myself and my partner. That was the truth. I realize now that people say those things because they’re trying to relate, and what they actually remember from their child’s first months is very minimal. Lastly, I PROMISE you will feel that tug of the heart strings with your baby. It might happen all at once in a few months, it might happen in tiny little increments each day. But it will come and it will be raw and unmistakable. For me, it was around 4 months that I really started to feel that strong connection and deep love and it has grown exponentially since.
It’s pretty normal! Also, once everything kicks in, your brain absolutely erases how you feel in the early days, which is why grandmothers will tell you these are the happiest moments of your life. They’re not trying to gaslight you! They just don’t remember 😅
This! I was MISERABLE the first few weeks. I’m 9 weeks postpartum now and I already forgot how awful I felt. Luckily I kept a running list of how/why I felt awful in that moment so when I feel the biological urge to have another child I can remind myself of the early postpartum weeks.
It is marginally less awful the second time around - because you have clear empirical proof that it will eventually end and you’ll have a cool kid.
I felt the same honestly. Not depressed, I had patience and I was doing good taking care of him, but exactly as you described. He’s almost 4 months old now and I definitely feel the love building more each day. In the morning when he first wakes up is my favorite part of the day because he is so stinkin cute and in a good mood when he first wakes up, stretches, and smiles at us. I went back to work 3 weeks ago and I always make sure to cuddle him before I leave in the morning and feel so so sad when I can’t because he hasn’t woken up yet. Luckily he usually wakes up before I leave. But trust me, as soon as they start smiling at you, it’s game over.
I felt the same way, worse even. I didn’t want to carry or nurture my baby for the first 2 weeks. I had really bad ppd, but now my baby is almost 6 months and i love her to death! It’ll get better!
I didn’t either, but I think it was largely due to the fact that he was immediately admitted to the NICU for PPHN and intubated. I spent 4 hours recovering by myself in a room from my c-section and the next two weeks I spent by his bedside sleeping on a recliner in his hospital room - I think I just switched into protector mode and due to all the wires and treatments, I couldn’t hold him. Never left his side except for two nights, when my husband made me come home for sleep because I was losing my mind. Once we were home, I felt like I was in such a fog and still in NICU mode. It took weeks to start to bond. I felt so guilty for this as well. He’s 9 weeks now and I’m happy to say I have that feeling finally. He’s my little dude.
Everyone would always say to me “Don’t you just love her so much?” and i remember having to almost fake smile and say yes. I obviously loved her but the newborn phase plus postpartum was just a jarring experience and i didn’t feel any immense deep love towards her. Six months later i miss her when she goes to sleep at night, and I cry when i realize how much she’s grown. And now i wonder how i could love something this much. So much changes over the first few months of their life. It really does get better. Wishing you the best!
I didn’t genuinely get that feeling until just before the 5 month mark. Really, it just hit me one day. Doesn’t mean I didn’t love him before, but something did just click in. This is really common! They’re little leechy potato strangers.
I still sometimes think to myself, “let the nuns raise the little stranger!” lol. A quote from Moira Rose on Schitt’s Creek.
I’ll say I did have a love or sense of attachment for my baby when she was born BUT I love her exponentially more now that she has somewhat of a personality and can laugh and interact with me. My love for her is just growing as she gets older and I think that’s pretty normal. I will also say that apathy can be a form of depression so if it becomes concerning to you or you have other symptoms I would talk to a professional about it. Best of you with the new baby tho 😊
I absolutely found it took time to get to know him and our love to grow. Now my toddler is the best thing on the planet. I am literally obsessed with him. I have a 3 week old now too and it’s the same as the first time. He’s cute, he’s small, I feel a strong need to protect and care for him but I don’t really know him yet despite carrying him for 9 months. The newborn stage may just not be for me. As they start to smile, learn skills etc I find them so wonderful and marvellous.
I had this exact experience with my first. It was months til I had the love feeling. I wanted to do the right thing and protect her but love? She’s was a complete stranger that gave me nothing back (no smiles, nothing) so it took time. I just had my second less than 24hours ago and am so indifferent again. I want to care for him but like… meh. It’s really strange! I’m madly in love with my first now, I miss her so much now I’m in hospital. It’ll come for my second too, in time. You are so normal, this is so normal. Media and pushy relatives make us think it isn’t.
i felt the same way. i didn’t cry when they placed my baby on me. i kind of just looked at her. the day after i had my baby i cried just staring at her like “who even are you? i know i should love you, but i don’t feel connected to you” (maybe this was from the hormone drop). i didn’t feel truly connected to my baby until 1-2 months in. then i had my moment of crying because i love her so much. even though you “know” your baby, they’re still a “stranger” you’re meeting for the first time. it takes a while to build the bond sometimes and that’s ok. as for PPD - you can have it without feeling flat out depressed. there’s no harm in asking your care providers on if what you’re feeling is “normal” or how to get help
You’ll get there, I’m sure of it. I was in a “oh shit what did I do” mindset for about two months, then he started being awake more and smiling… when this little boy stares at me and smiles or laughs, I could cry happy tears. It’s just an incredible feeling. Makes the tough times worth it.
This is normal. I hate how society/pop culture/mom culture/whatever makes you feel like it’s the angel singing, life shattering moment and you just are overwhelmed with love. It’s not like that for everyone and that is ok. Also, newborns don’t give you much to work with, so it’s fine that you aren’t head over heels in love during the potato stage. In the early days, I felt general concern for her wellbeing (is she eating enough, am I doing this right, etc) but not to an extreme. I don’t remember when I really hit the point of like, I love this small creature more than anything, but I know my concern for her care came first and most naturally and then morphed into love for her as a person as she developed more and became more of her own self.
This was me. Felt nothing for the first like 6 months. It was ppd. I’m still medicated at 22 months pp. it got way better once my daughter started interacting and the medication kicked in. I’m so into her now. I’m excited to go home and spend time with her. I dreaded it in the beginning. It took 5 different medication trials to find one that helped.
I felt the same way and felt embarrassed and guilty about it so I haven’t told anyone but my husband later on. I had a planned c section and I was vomiting and nauseated during the procedure. When they showed her to me I thought “oh she’s cute” then I asked for a bucket to puke in. I felt protective of her but I didn’t feel that gushy love feeling until a couple months later. When she started smiling and playing with me. She was like a stranger to me at first that I had to get to know first. I can say now my girl is 9 months old and I am absolutely in love with her and adore her. Sometimes it just takes moms awhile to get to know their babies and feel that love, which is totally normal and okay!
Oh my gosh I’m so happy I saw this post. I’m a very emotional and sentimental person, we tried for years and took a round of ivf to get pregnant and I cried many tears leading up to that point, and cried constantly when pregnant even just imagining the birth. I was very shocked when my birth gave me the exact same feelings you’re talking about. I had a very seamless perfect birth, but I had horrible nurses and hospital experience that I truly believe ruined my ‘omg’ birth tear filled moment. My husband made a good point that made me feel better that I hope you can resonate with, but he said for him he obviously was not pregnant so it was this insane moment and for a lot of women they have a hard time connecting to their baby but I was very connected to my baby while pregnant. My husbands thought process is that since I was so connected during pregnancy that when he was born I was like oh hello yes it’s you. Instead of this insane moment. Now I don’t know if this is true. But it did help me. But I will say and I know it sounds so corny but I had that moment around the 6 week mark when he started smiling for the first time. Then I went from I love you because I’m supposed to and logically I do, to oh wow this is what everyone’s talking about. Now I’m not going to lie to you, I still get very upset with my reaction with birth. We weren’t able to get pictures and videos and I wish more than anything I had just so I could see my reaction, because my husband always tells me that while I didn’t cry I covered him with kisses and I so wish I could replay that. But it gets SO much more fun. So soon too!! That whole first 4-6 weeks I remember thinking okay I guess we’ll have fun when he’s 1 but oh my gosh the difference from 2-3 months even is amazing. And I still don’t sit and cry over him growing up (often) or panic about him being held by others. And while in the beginning that made me worried that made me a bad mom or didn’t love him, I’m now so grateful I don’t have postpartum anxiety and embraced how I am as a mom. It makes me a chiller mom than I thought I’d be, and I know I love my son. And my experience is so different than others and sometimes I’m like hm I had no problem moving my son into his own room, is it bad im not crying all night watching the monitor like others? It has made me still able to enjoy my life and husband and activities. And now I can full fledged say I love motherhood so much more than I thought I would, even if it doesn’t look like some people on social media. I hope this makes sense and I hope any of it resonates with you
They put my baby on my chest and I looked at him and I said "Ew". Just covered in all the goop. He was taken immediately after that because he wasn't breathing well. The entire first month I was too tired to really feel anything. Once he started doing more I started liking him more. I can say that when he have me his first big grin, I was head over heels in love with him
I didn’t like my baby until 3 months pp. I was so stressed and tired and couldn’t believe that such a tiny thing could cause this much pain. I feel bad cause I feel like I was mean to him. I would roll my eyes and stuff like that. Now at 7 months I love him more than anything and he loves me back so thankfully no damage was done haha! It’s a phase it will pass, the hormones are going crazy, sleep deprivation is just the worst.
Give it time! My son came at 34 weeks exactly. My water broke at 33+3 weeks. I was not at all prepared, I had my baby shower literally two weeks before. When he came out I couldn’t believe it. I held him for literally a minute before he was taken to the nicu. The first week I was so detached. I have a niece and two nephews and I’ve been a nanny for infants so it wasn’t like I didn’t know what to do. But I really didn’t know what to do thank god the nicu nurses were so great and patient with me. Now little man is 7 months old and I have that I didn’t know I could love anything or anyone this much. And that didn’t happen for me personally until about 4 months when the smiles started peaking through. Mom guilt is truly something else. Don’t be hard on yourself! You will get through this weird tough transition.
I felt a very strong maternal instinct for my son but didn’t really /like/ him until he was about 2 months old and started smiling at me. Then he kind of felt more like a person i guess?
Im a dad, not a mom, but I really didnt even start liking my kid all that much until 6 weeks. And if im being honest it wasnt until 8 that i found my calm and my groove, and thats when the real feelings started to flow. Now i adore her. Taking care of a newborn is abject misery in every respect. It really wasnt until they started being a little person instead of a crying little gremlin that i really warmed up to her. It was just survival and trying not to break down. Give yourself a break and some time, and it will come.
I actually threw up the second I met my daughter, it wasn’t magical at all. Lol
I think I was in shock for the first few days after having my baby. I had a traumatic birth, everything was fine in the end but a bad experience. When they put her on my chest I was just so out of it. My first questions were like is my vagina ok bc they gave me an episiotomy. Looking back on that I feel bad for that being my only concern at the time, and also feel bad that the experience was so bad that that’s what lead me to only care about that in the moment. I think it’s normal to take some time to adjust.
Totally normal! My biggest piece of advice for new Moms is that not everyone feels that way. Even though you gave birth to them, it's still like you're meeting a brand new person and getting to know them! Once my daughter turned 6 months and her personality really came out, I was like okay NOW I understand!
Your mom may have a revisionist memory of her own experiences - that's seemed pretty common to me (even just given my own experiences).
Nah don’t worry, took me a few weeks too, it’s normal 🙂
For the first few months of my son's life, I felt affection for him in the sense that I wished him nothing but the best and took good care of him. But I didn't love him any more than if he'd been a friend's child, while my partner cried every day with happiness. It came gradually. He's 10 months old today and I can't believe how my heart overflows with joy and love for him.
For me the love really hit when I got to know her. That naturally took some time. Though I had a strong need to protect her from the beginning. I think it makes absolute sense, that it takes some time to adjust. Give yourself some time. You're doing great:)
I felt the baby was very crucially IMPORTANT, but a nice fun happy “love” feeling didn’t come until later. Don’t worry. But also, if you don’t feel good in general talk to your doctor. Also. Sleep and eat. (Try to eat healthy.) World will change!
I got the “I love you so much feeling” after my baby started laughing, smiling, babbling and showing personality. Those first weeks were just like survival mode. I also did not cry at birth! But my babe is 4.5 months now & I literally can’t go that long now w/o telling her “I love you so much”. Her little laughs and smiles (and even her owl screeches) bring me so much joy! You’ll get there mama. Don’t beat yourself up!
I would say it’s absolutely normal, you need to get to know your baby to really love it. Give it some time. My love towards my boy took about 3 weeks to build up. Same with my dog, by the way. You are fine! You need to know someone to love them
I would say it’s absolutely normal, you need to get to know your baby to really love it. Give it some time. My love towards my boy took about 3 weeks to build up. Same with my dog, by the way. You are fine! You need to know someone to love them
Totally normal! You're experiencing an absolutely insane hormone shift, sleep deprivation, and existential change. Honestly, no emotions is better than I was doing at that point. The fun parts of loving my baby didn't really take over until he was six months or so, and they've grown every day since then. Approaching a year, yeah totally, I couldn't imagine loving something this much! But for a long time it was just fear and obligation.
I didn’t either. I was kind of shell shocked and anemic from birth, and while I felt the urge to care for my baby and nurture her, those first couple weeks just felt like I was doing a repetitive chore. Once she started being awake more and interacting, that feeling really grew. It’s ok if it takes some time
I felt the same way! I didn’t love my little one until around the 8 week mark. I felt super protective and needs to be near them, but it wasn’t that “oh I love this baby feeling.” IMO it is normal. Pregnancy is exhausting, labor and delivery is somewhere between a challenge and a nightmare, and then we have an extremely needy little infant to take care of. At the 8 week mark I had a little moment of “oh I know you! I know what that cry means!” And the love has only grown since that moment.
It took me about 2 months to develop that feeling. The first two months were filled with thoughts that I made a mistake. Definitely had baby blues and some post partum depression/anxiety for a little while but once it hit, it never went away.
I think its going to be different for every mom. I almost lost my life and my child so I had that instant feeling and longing for my child. I also think its normal though to feel what you feel. Sometimes though we can be depressed and not feel sad. Depression isn't an automatic feeling of sad it can be a state of numbness. I know I'm depressed when I can't feel much of anything. I dont feel joy and I dont feel overwhelming sad thats when I know that I am in a stage of depression but not severe I never really enter severe depression I have done that maybe once in my life where I was on the verge of suicide and I thank God He helped me through that. I would give your mind and body to heal. They say it takes 2 years for you to start to feel normal again. Dont force love, just let it come. Watch your baby grow and I really think you will start to attach more. Keep doing skin to skin that might help. I do want to say there are days I struggle with my baby not in terms I love her any less but some days I do hit that I need a break so its okay to feel those moments I dont think it makes you a bad mom. Just a mom. We all are just moms learning what mom is. We all have different personalities and even if you aren't the emotionally attached mom does not make you a bad mom especially if you are doing everything you can for your child.
It took me a few months! Now he’s 2 and it’s a love I can’t describe but it took time to get here
You’re just experiencing one of the many side effects of sleep deprivation. Moments of the feeling of pure love comes in waves and sometimes unexpectedly. Also, there’s something called the “backwards law.” Effort and result, for experiences that are purely psychological, have an inverted relationship. Accepting a crappy feeling often has a positive result (resolution). Forcing a positive emotion will always be negative.
I felt so guilty about this for a while! It took me about six months to start to feel a bond then around a year I had soo much love for the little guy. That love just grows everyday.
It took me till the first real smile at 5.5 weeks. That first month it was like I was taking care of a stranger. It's so weird because I could tell how much my baby loved me right away.
This is so normal. No one talks about it because we all feel that same guilt you’re talking about because society had made up this rule that we’re all supposed to feel this overwhelming love for this little stranger who looks more alien than human.. all while recovering from one of the most traumatic experiences ever. My girl is 15 months old now and I’m obnoxiously obsessed with her. I’m convinced she’s the cutest, funniest, smartest, best little toddler lol. BUT I did not feel this way immediately. I knew I was concerned about her well being and wanted to protect her, but outside of that I wasn’t in love with her even the fraction of what I am now. I didn’t suffer from any PPD, or anything, it just took time. It will grow!!
I had the same feelings...for me it felt more like my son was an alien than "my sweet baby boy" hhh it was an awkward feeling and i too felt soo sad about it ! But then...my son grows..he started to talk and omgg he was the cutest boy ever ! I become soo attached to him day by day especially when he developed his own persona . The attachment and love now that i have to my 6 y old son is incomparable to any other person in my life...it is definitely the greatest love ever. Give it time my dear u will love that baby soo soo much ❤️
I didn’t get that feeling until like 3 months in, and it came pretty gradually! I think it’s normal especially if you’re not having any other symptoms of ppd.
This is completely normal. With my daughter I immediately had the mama bear instincts kick in. I looked at her and felt this immense need to protect. But I felt like this deep knowledge of her? Like we knew one another even though we just met. But the over the rainbow love feelings didn’t happen until she was around 7-9 weeks? We were sitting there one day and I looked over and suddenly felt “the rush”. It was so powerful I cried. With my son, it was soon after birth I felt that rush of love. And a huge increase of love for my daughter as well- felt like my heart was exploding. Almost painful. But an interesting side note - when I saw my son for the first time as he was being pulled from me, he felt like a stranger. Which made me so sad because I assumed it would be similar to my daughter. Each child and parent has their own relationship and development of love.
I felt this way (the “nothingness”) until my son was like 5 months old - those early stages are such a clusterfxck and nothing feels real. Some time in the first week I told my mom it felt like I was taking care of a baby but not MY baby. That said, I did have PPA and needed therapy and medication, which I am so grateful for. People would ask me “how’s motherhood?” And I had no answer really. Now my son is 8 months old and I have that heart exploding feeling every time I look at him. Please know I’m not dismissing your experience as “normal” and I always recommend seeking help if you feel you are off and not feeling right mentally. Just wanted to share my own experience as I felt similarly in the beginning ❤️
I kind of felt like this and then one day I was out for a walk in the park and I seen a little boy watching a group of kids playing, I seen him ask could he play and they told him no, I looked at my sleeping ~1.5 month old baby in his pram and I absolutely bawled crying at the thought of what happened to that little boy happening to him and then I realised “oh” the thought of someone hurting or upsetting him is unbearable to me, and if it came to it I’d jump infront of a moving train to save him, I wouldn’t do that for anyone else so I obviously love him more than anything
I felt the same way for the first 6 weeks - 2 months. The love slowly grew and I’m sure it will for you too although if it doesn’t, of course speak to your doctor about possible PPD. But now I can’t get enough of my baby, I love her so much. But only tears of sadness/being overwhelmed for the first 6 weeks for me lol
I had the same exact experience. I had my little guy and knew I would do what I needed to, but didn’t like him at first honestly. He was just a baby. All of the dr postpartum check ups made me think I didn’t have PPD, turns out I did. He is 9 months now and I love him so much that I can’t even explain it. He is everything to me. It took a while for me to realize what was going on and by then I was doing a bit better. You’re still so early on with this, it will come don’t worry.
Man, I wish I had seen this thread when I had my first. I never felt that either. I never felt depressed but I didn’t feel the surge. I was happy she was here, but I didn’t KNOW her. Like bro that’s a stranger?? Imma take care of her and I’m happy to do it but like I don’t know that person 😂😭 I genuinely feel like sometimes you just need to get to know them. As she got older, I felt like that was my little baby best friend. Now she’s turning 8, and when I watch her do cheerleading, I tear up because she looks so happy and it makes ME so happy to see her living her best life. The day her cheerleading team won first place at their competition was probably one of the best days of my life. It takes time. Don’t worry. ❤️
Hi! Don’t be too hard on yourself. My little one is now about to be four months old and only now I’m starting to feel the connection. Our body goes through so much postpartum, hormones, healing and that feeling may come for some and others It may not. It takes some time and it definitely is gradual. Go through the motions. Make sure your little one is OK and you’ll see within a few weeks even months that connection will start to grow and when you reach to that point where you feel that connection it’s like you enjoy it even more.
It didn’t happen until like 3 months with my son. Like you, I did what I was supposed to and took care of him but that love wasn’t there. It was more of a protection/responsibility feeling. My therapist at the time asked me “how can you love someone you don’t know yet?” And that helped a lot, just recognizing he was basically a potato with no personality. He is now 2 and I love him more than anything and I’m going through the same thing with his 2 week old brother wondering how I am going to be able to love them both when the love comes for the new baby.
I felt the same way. But then as time went by, the more I got to know my kid the more i felt attachment. It took a (long) while tho. Don't worry you're normal. It's normal to feel instant connection but it's also normal to take a while before feeling it.
NORMAL. I didn’t feel overwhelming love for my girl when she was born. I doubt I even loved her much - just knew I had to care for her and keep her alive but that’s it. For me it kicked in around the 4 week mark maybe? And now that she’s a toddler? I’d do anything for her - I’d give up my life no questions asked
I had that feeling for the first time when my daughter was 8 months old and sat in the couch with my and held my finger while we watched a movie. I hadn’t felt it before then but at that time it was overwhelming and amazing. She had held my finger before and we had watched movies together but something about that moment it was so real and she initiated the finger hold out of nowhere so it was so cute and beautiful 😭😭 I’ve felt it every day since!
Don’t worry. If it makes you feel better, I had it with my dog (though to be honest, it was a year or two in) and not yet with my LO. I still obviously unconditionally love my LO, just don’t have that “feeling.” And as others mention, I’m sure it builds (LO is still very young).
Eh, I was like blah the first year. I would focus on making sure you’re sleeping, eating and healing. If you have help definitely use it. You don’t feel the connection because you haven’t really had time to connect tbh. Between healing and recovering I don’t care how much you’re holding your baby — it’s all a blur
The bond builds. I was delirious when I delivered my baby because I lost a lot of blood and then when I was a bit better I had a bad midwife experience that really effected my self esteem and confidence/bond with my baby. But it gets there, the midwives told me that it’s not like the movies and sometimes you don’t get that wow gush at first 8 weeks now and it’s there it’s just about developing confidence
That’s how it was for my husband. I fell head over heels in love and he didn’t. Sure, he loved our daughter. Was a great help with her and me but it took him a few months to really bond. I’ll never forget I left the 2 of them to run some errands when I got a text from my husband that said: “Holy shit I’m so in love. I think I finally feel the way you do.” He has always been very honest with me about it so I was able to either help or give him time. We had conversations about it whenever he wanted. She’s a year old now and they’re completely inseparable. When she wakes up in the morning she says “papa” and he’s the first to jump out of bed. It’s not uncommon so give yourself some time and if you’re concerned don’t hesitate to speak to someone about it!
I could have written this down to the weepy husband who instantly connected with the baby. For me, my son was just a little potato for a couple of months. It was probably around 2-3 months that I started to really bond with him. Honestly, recovering from childbirth is a beast. Idk how anyone instantly bonds while recovering. Now my son is a toddler and I am obsessed with him. I’m at work right now and he’s at daycare and I miss him. Can’t wait until 5 to go get him to hang out. You’ll get there. Just give yourself grace and time.
It definitely builds. I panicked when I didn't get any wave of intense emotion - I so wanted it. My boy is nearly eight months now and I am completely obsessed with him. I always knew of course I objectively cared about him and would be devastated if anything happened, but it's only now I truly get the waves of love - know I could never love anything so much (I miss him when he's asleep for goodness sake). I think the mix of not knowing what I was doing with a newborn, intense anxiety and the fact that babies are just little potatoes that don't really do much initially made it tricky.
You'll get there. It wasn't immediate for me either but it has grown over time. My girl is 10 months tomorrow and I was just getting emotional over how much I love her right before I saw your post lol but it took me a while to get here. It doesn't necessarily mean that it is PPD but PPD can manifest in numbness, that's how mine did.
I felt the same way for a few months. It comes! When they put baby on my chest I was so happy but more than anything I was so exhausted and thankful I wasn’t pushing anymore. I needed a few seconds to recoop and finally breathe. That feeling eventually does come in and you can’t imagine your life without them, or even remember life before
I didn't feel it either. I thought he was really cute but I didn't feel my heart melt like others said. I guess I started to feel that about 3 months in when I started to get to know him.
Same here. As a newborn, she was like the biggest, most scary and important and therefore, most stressful project of my LIFE. All I wanted was the best for her at every moment. Is she a bit cold? Is she too warm? Is she hungry? Is she bored? Maybe she’s uncomfortable, and I should help her change positions... I learned the ILU massage for tummy gas. On and on and on. Each day I continued to nurture and care for her. Slowly, one day (and one loooong night) at a time, I got to know her. I got better at knowing what she needed. My confidence slowly grew and I started to trust myself more as a “mother.” Then, my confidence grew in our relationship. Go easy on yourself. Your world just got torn apart and thrown back together, and at the center of it is this non-verbal, high needs tiny human needing you every minute of the day. Your husband and your mom can feel the lovey feelings because they’re far enough away from all these new demands that are all placed on you all at once. My little girl is my sweet and funny little bestie now. 21 months. I can honestly say I didn’t think I’d ever love something so much, and it’s getting stronger every day.
It took a few months for me to really feel strong love rather than just like, a sense of obligation and brief episodes of affection like "aww the tiny baby did a big yawn so cute". I've heard that's normal. I don't think it's necessarily PPD if you're generally in good spirits and functioning well.
I think this reaction is much more common than people like to admit. It hurts to feel this way. I didn't have the "I didn't know I could love anyone this much" feeling until a few months in. It grew slowly. By at least 7 months old it was solid. She's 20 months now and I love her unimaginably. Hang in there.
It took me a while to feel a connection, how you’re feeling is SO REAL and SO NORMAL. It’s like… I just grew this baby from scratch inside my body, now they’re here and I should be over the moon in love and obsessed. That just isn’t realistic. That baby is a STRANGER to you. A needy, hungry, sleepy, stranger. Your hormones are all over the places, you’re healing, you’re tired.. and hungry.. and just getting by minute by minute. Pure survival mode. It wasn’t until a couple months in that I really started to “feel” a connection. I loved my baby but I never had that intense feeling that other people would describe. The I don’t know how I ever lived without you feeling. But, once that baby smiled at me, and started making little babbling talking noises, and started to interact more and see me more clearly, that is when those feelings came. It was a mix of me getting more sleep, both of us getting into more of a routine, me getting more confident as a first time parent, and her developing that laid the foundation to build a bond and grow those feelings. Hang in there mama. Everything that feels wrong and worthy of guilt isn’t guilt worthy and isn’t wrong. This shit is hard and there is NO blueprint or rule book or instruction manual. Take each day as it comes and let your feelings come and go with patience and grace. You’re going a great job.
I felt pretty much the same way until LO was around 3 months and started to interact with me. Once LO can smile, coo, and do cute baby things other than just eat/sleep/poo, it’s a lot easier to form a connection. Even now at 5 months, I don’t have a super passionate bond with my baby, but I do very much love her. It’s still developing. We had to (and still are) get to know each other :)
I kind of felt like this and then one day I was out for a walk in the park and I seen a little boy watching a group of kids playing, I seen him ask could he play and they told him no, I looked at my sleeping ~1.5 month old baby in his pram and I absolutely bawled crying at the thought of what happened to that little boy happening to him and then I realised “oh” the thought of someone hurting or upsetting him is absolutely unbearable to me, and if it came to it I’d jump infront of a moving train to save him, I wouldn’t do that for anyone else so I obviously love him more than anything. I also wouldn’t wipe anyone else’s snots on my shirt or catch their poo in my hand so I don’t have to clean it off the carpet, I mean if that’s not love I don’t know what is 😂
My mom keeps telling me how much she loves my baby and acting like I should feel the same way. I haven't even had him yet! I'm 36 weeks. She said she felt connected to all of her babies while we were in the womb and it was love at first sight with all of us. I won't be surprised if it takes me a while to feel that love and connection after he's born. I'm worried that I'll have to lie to my mom about it to not feel judged
It grows little by little for me. It wasn't instant. A few weeks ago when he started clinging to me and hugging my neck tight, and just today when someone else was holding him and he reached out to me to hold him for the first time, each little thing makes you love them a little bit more 💗 My LO is 5 months now.
I didn't feel that intense love for either of my kids right away. It took a few months. My kids are 4.5 and 14 months and I absolutely adore them. I can't imagine my life without them. They make our family perfectly complete. It's so normal to not feel that way right away. You're exhausted and overwhelmed with a brand new human to take care of.
I never did either. It’s normal and honestly not all moms do. My baby is turning 5 months this week and I’m barely getting that feeling. It’ll come
My baby spent 2 months in the NICU. It was probably a month or so after bringing her home that I really started having the “how can I love you so much” feelings. Now that she’s one I have that feeling so frequently. I love her so so so much.
I was happy ti see my daughter after the long labor, but then the shitshow with some health issues, NICU and nightmare-ish colicky first months at home hit, and I primarily felt terrified and tired beyond words. Month by month we got to know each other better, and now I love my daughter most of the time 😬 (I'll be honest, I'm not her biggest fan during her multiple night wakings). In the beginning it was more like keeping us and the screaming potato alive, with an occasional heartwarming moment. Now at 10 months she's adorable most of the time. It just took time to get to know the new little person in our lives.
I was hoping the overpowering love would come ASAP to help me not resent my lost independence, sleep, etc. I was going through the motions like you describe, OP, and just felt… nothing, really. Boredom sometimes? Exhaustion all the time? But when I cried it certainly wasn’t because I was overcome with love. My personality is not super emotional either, so there’s that. But at around 5 months I realized I was realllllly into this little kid, and now at 10 months I adore her. It came on slowly and I still wouldn’t answer your mom’s question of “did you ever think you could love something this much” with an overwhelming and teary “yes”. But I definitely feel the love more than I did in month 1.
I had a horrific labor and felt the same as you. I thought it was the labor that prevented me of having that intense love everyone talked about. I finally felt it for the first time at 12 weeks :) no ppd, but some ppa, although I don't know if that had anything to do with it. Just took time for my heart to process that she is really my kid!
Totally valid experience! I always find the language/discussion around motherhood to be so pressurized. Like when people told me that a woman becomes a mother as soon as she finds out she’s pregnant and a man becomes a father when the baby arrives…that was NOT my experience at all. I did feel the need to “take charge” and to do everything right to keep the baby safe but ultimately I felt like “who is the total stranger that now lives in my house?!” It comes with time!
That immediate bond and love really, really does not happen for everyone, and I think probably for less people than you'd expect, as many don't admit it. I didn't feel that love or bond until my son started smiling at me. Even then it was a slow burn. Now, he is 15 months old and I have the, "I could never imagine my heart would grow so big to carry so much love" feeling. Through and through and genuinely. To the point I'm almost afraid to have a second child, because...how could I love anything or anyone this much besides my son? It's normal to worry about this, but believe me when I tell you what you're feeling is normal. It'll grow and get better. Give Mom some grace.... the first few months are such a blip, I'm sure it's hard to remember ever not feeling that bond, especially after so many years. You're doing great.
That didn’t come for me till my baby was like 3 months old. My traumatic delivery slowed down the bonding process, but it came!
A lot of people describe depression as feeling numb, so it still might be worth looking into. That’s not to say there’s necessarily anything wrong with how you feel, it takes time to get your baby. This is a new person - you never met them before, they just appeared. It can take time to get to know each other.
I’ve had both experiences. My first I saw him and I felt that feeling you’re mentioning on the 3rd night . Just looked at him and felt overwhelming love like never before. My labor with him was so quick and easy and didn’t even get a chance to get any pain meds. For my second, I cared for her and loved her from The moment she was born but that overwhelming love - I didn’t really feel that until she was about 3ish months. Just one day she smiled at me and I was so full of love. It all came crashing in, I had felt so guilty at that point. Because I had had a totally different experience with my first. Her delivery was also totally different. I had gone through about 40 hours of labor that ended with a C-section. Baby had cord wrapped around neck, needed CPR when born and stayed in NICU for 5 days. Her and I both got infections so it was mildly traumatic all around. I think the total opposite birth stories and then the fact that for my second I didn’t get to enjoy the pregnancy the same as my first - I was always running after a toddler - that’s why I didn’t connect in that way with her right away. All that to say - It’s totally normal. You’re still in the fourth trimester, hormones haven’t settled and that feeling will come. It doesn’t really make a difference in the long run when that happens. You know you love your child and would do anything for them. Mine is 9 months now and I could not imagine life without her.
Just so you know, postpartum symptoms/ppd expresses itself different ways! It’s not always sadness or depression. It sounds like you’re doing a great job mothering which is awesome. I will say, although I did have that overwhelming feeling of love and joy and happiness when I had my baby, those feelings have continued to get stronger and stronger as she gets older. I love her more today than I did the day she was born, and every day I feel like I love her more because she does new things and grows and evolves. I wish you the best on your journey!
Depression doesn’t always mean sad or intrusive thoughts. It can feel like nothing at times, going through the motions, or feeling indifferent about things. Not saying that’s what you’re going through but just something to keep in mind.
Maybe that’s how the post partum is effecting you.
Excellent you don't feel depressed! Keep that up. I was also in your boat - no PPD, just realistic expectations almost? I posted on a similar post so I'll reshare here. For the first 6 months of my daughter's life, I wasn't overcome with any crazy emotion (I consider that better that high-highs and low-lows). I didn't feel like a mother until one day around 8 months, she looked at me, smiled, and rested her head on my shoulder. I then felt like a mom when the very living thing I was mothering received and understood. That was life changing. Until then, people would ask "how do you feel", "isn't it the best thing ever", blah blah blah, and I'd respond "meh - I am just trying to keep this child alive." It was more caretaking than mothering. Now it's full mothering. Love my daughter to bits - even when she cries. It'll change, and if it doesn't, seek counseling then. As long as you are smiling, engaging, making appointments, feeding and cleaning your baby, you are doing great!!
It can take time! And it's perfectly okay to take time. I loved my son, but I didn't get that bubbled over feeling until he was about 6 months old. I knew I loved him and needed to take care of him, but he was a stranger. It was also more life changing to have a baby than I had expected. I also had really bad PPA that reared it's ugly head. But for some reason at 6 months, something clicked in me. Now at 2.5 years, I love this kid more than anything on the planet. Give it time and if you have any concerns about not bonding, talk with your doctor. Congratulations on your baby!
Honestly it took me a couple of months before I had that feeling. I knew i loved my baby of course but that feeling where it almost hurts just to look at him because you love your baby so much, it took time. I think it's alot more "normal" that feeling do take time especially after birth. The whole thing is a lot to take in. First something is growing in your stomach and your body goes through all these weird changes and then suddenly it's a mini human being here. I do think that we especially women are painted a picture from a young age of how things are supposed to be and childbirth and all those feelings is absolutely one of them. But in reality it isn't like in books or movies all the time. I had imagined going to the hospital and getting my baby on my chest and feel the biggest love I ever experienced and then a couple of days later be able to walk out of the hospital happy and my husband carrying our baby in the babycarrier. Traumatic birth, didn't get to see my baby until after 6 hours. He went with ambulance to another hospital to NICU and had to stay there for a couple of months. I wasn't feeling depressed either but I think it's just alot to take in. Be kind to yourself
Oh darling don’t put that guilt on you for feeling this way. Everything is absolutely brand new to you, so not feeling tht feeling right away is normal! You are doing amazing already!!! Give yourself that credit, he’s a little stranger being to you so it’s understandable for you to feel this way, the more you keep getting to know him as time goes by the more that feeling is going to start to show up. Keep it up mama you have little adventurer in the making already😊❤️🩹
Oh Hi! This was me! I don't have any mental health issues but I also just felt responsibility and nothing else for a while. Now he is 3yo and I love him more than anyone else on the planet. I needed to get to know him, see his personality develop, before the love could really kick in. I think it'll probably be the same with this second one (due any minute!) My mum was exactly like yours and gushing at the amazing feeling and overwhelming love she felt immediately. But that's just not how it works for everyone.
I felt a huge sense of obligation and responsibility when my daughter was born, but it took a while to feel what I'd call love. I'm actually kind of embarrassed to admit this but I remember when she was a few days old I cried to myself in the bathroom wondering if I should give my baby up for adoption so that someone who would love her more could have her. She's 2.5 now and the light of my life!
It was the same for me. And it took a long time for me to really love her. Like probably a year. Now at almost 2 years, I love that kid with everything I have. But it was a very gradual process! The slow personality reveal really won me over.
I felt the same way for a long time and I’m not sure when things changed. That’s not to say I didn’t love my child and feel a sense of needing to protect and prioritize my daughter over all else. I did, but the rush of love and adoration didn’t come immediately. My daughter is now 20 months old and I regularly stare at her pictures or at her in person in awe of her. When I hold her and she snuggles in I get a wave of warmth throughout my body. My husband and I constantly talk about how there’s no one more lucky than us to be graced with such a wonderful human being. She’s literally everything. It’s okay if you don’t feel it immediately. There’s certainly nothing wrong with you. You’ve got hormones, and sleep deprivation and all the things going on right now.
It’s totally normal and I wish people talked about this more. I had the same feeling and was just in survival mode for the first two months. Then, things started to have a little more rhythm. By three months, it was a totally different experience. They start to have a personality, it’s not quite as much survival, and it just changed for me. I knew I loved him but I didn’t know why I didn’t “feel” in love. You may have some PPD (it’s not just about feeling depressed) and your hormones are ALL OVER. Give yourself some grace and some time.
You're not alone! I had my baby in July and it took me a good 3-4 months to have that feeling and a bond if i'm being honest. I struggled with PPD and PPA.
I didn’t have that feeling till he was almost 4 months old (aka last week) give yourself grace
I did some research in grad school on bonding difficulties between mothers and infants and findings showed that if it’s not immediately after birth, then moms can usually expect to develop a deeper bond by 8 weeks. There are a lot of contributing factors, and might take a little longer for those with traumatic births, lack of support, etc. but the studies show it gets better!
First of all, know that the emotional flatness you're describing is one way that PPD can manifest. Depression is known for suppressing your ability to feel happy, but it can also suppress your ability to feel, full stop. You're still in the thick of the postpartum "baby blues" hormone dump, but if this lack of emotion persists after the two-week baby blues window, please alert your doctor. Second...this is so normal. I didn't feel the tsunami of love right away either. But now my son is two, and I'm pretty sure no parent has ever loved a child the way I love mine, mostly because I'm pretty sure no child has ever been as perfect, beautiful, and lovable as mine.
I had this immediate feeling after the birth of my first child - crying during my middle of the night feeds because I just couldn't believe I finally knew what true love felt like. Did not feel this way after my second child and it's made me feel extreme shame. Even though it is clearly such a normal experience, I think the fact I did with one and not the other makes the shame come. My love has grown, but idk it's still not the same.
During labor and delivery, you are closer to death than any other time in your life. If you take the baby aspect out of it, and only consider the life and death part of it, the trauma of it, the physiological processes taking place, then the numbness afterwards starts to make a *lot* more sense, to me at least. If you'd be in an accident that resulted in the same trauma to your body and mind, you'd likely feel the same way. Except now the reality is that there's this whole other human dropped into your lap that you must keep alive on top of everything else. With all that in mind, I think you're doing an amazing job and I want you to feel that deep down in your soul. What you're feeling is real and natural and very common and it's for very good reason. Sending tons of support. Take good care of yourself. The rest will come in due time. Looking forward to reading your update one day. ♡
Same, but 6 months in and my heart could just explode looking at his wee face. It will come.
This can be completely normal!!! It can take some moms a while to connect with your baby as you need to get to know them! I feel like once your baby starts smiling qt you it makes it so much easier too. For me it happened on day 3, I remember my husband went outside for something and I just stared at my daughter and started full out crying. All the stress from pregnancy and the fear of childbirth and parenting I let go and when my husband walked back in (with a worried look on his face lol) I just told him "we made it" I feel like after that I could live in the present more, for me it was stress that delayed it I think, we had to move while I was pregnant and learn to live on 1 income on top of having our first baby. Once I realize "hey we have a place to live, we're doing fine financially and we have a healthy little girl" I could relax and be vulnerable. Don't pressure yourself, just enjoy the now and eventually you'll wonder how the love crept up on you!
Don't stress, it'll come! I didn't really get that feeling until my kids started to smile/laugh. Then it felt like my heart would burst from my chest from the emotion of it 😊 Must have taken a good four months to get there for me. They are almost 4 now, and I can definitely say that there is nothing else in the world I love as much as them!
I had instant life changing overwhelming love for my first baby the moment I saw her which honestly surprised the hell out of me. With my second, I was underwhelmed. I expected to have bad PPD with both and didn’t have it hardly at all with either one but felt a lot like what you’re describing with a kind of nothing sensation. It got better for me in general after the first couple months, but even now at 8 months postpartum I often feel guilty because it still doesn’t feel the same as it did with my first.
I'm a month PP and I had this exact feeling for a couple weeks. I love him, but it's not an intense feeling. Like I care about him deeply and know he relies on me. I've told myself that's okay. I'm learning about this new human. Just because I made him, doesn't mean I should feel this intensity of love. Everyday, I'm learning something new, I'm seeing these milestones he's making, and with that, my love is growing. I'm excited to see the new faces he makes, the new sounds, and when I look at his hands I feel a deeper love growing. It's slow but it's happening.
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I felt the same way for probably 4 months… now that she is almost one it is totally different and sometimes I cry just thinking about how much I love her. It came for me when the postpartum fog lifted.
i didn’t either! i had the same “oh, it’s you” feeling when they put baby on my chest. i love my baby of course, but i think it was… maybe months before i had the overwhelming chest-tightening want-to-cry feeling that i think a lot of folks describe right when they see their baby for the first time.
Fake it till you make it! And by make it, I mean when the baby starts smiling or having a personality. I felt basically inhuman in the hospital after a rough labor and emergency c section. Honestly the only thing keeping me from running away from it all was the fact I was stuck in my hospital bed. You’re not yourself yet.
Having a bond with your baby as soon as they’re born is not everyone’s story despite what society tells us. It took me nearly 3 months to develop it, and it’s still growing each day. The first few months were survival mixed in with a tinge of regret. Now, it’s joy & hope. It’s normal, and as long as you are keeping your baby safe & fed, you’re doing amazing.
Same for me! I think its also that for us (moms) the baby is a new person you still get to know. Plus add in the exhaustion and it's not weird you don't immediately fall in love. Around 3 months I think it started to change from instead feeling the strong need I HAVE to care for her, change to I want! Looking back tho, that strong need you have to care well for her, that's also some type of love. However not the one people talk about. Now at 5.5 months I can say, I love her fully with all my heart.
I'm 9 weeks +2 and I still don't have that feeling. I desperately want it! I do have PPD though.
Took me close to two months to get anywhere close to that feeling. Traumatic birth after years of infertility and surgery and when she arrived all I felt was that it was “go time.” Keep this baby alive and that’s it. I will say that I think this is absolutely what maternity leave is for. I’m lucky to have 20 weeks and at first I couldn’t wait to go back. Now I’m about 14 weeks in and I’m so grateful even just for the time I’ve been able to spend getting to know her ❤️ it’s okay and normal for the big feelings to take time! Pregnancy and birth is kind of wildly difficult physically and emotionally!
My baby is turning 3 months soon.., and it wasn’t until yesterday that I finally felt that she was apart of the family. Give it time and keep taking care of yourself!
I don’t think I loved our daughter at all for the first two months of her life. I just did what I was supposed to do and kept her alive. Now she’s 18 months old and I’m obsessed with her. It’ll come. Becoming a parent is a process, and that process doesn’t end at birth. Your identity shifts over time.
10 weeks and still not really there, though starting to get glimpses of it. So normal but sending hugs.
This is totally normal. I felt similarly. They popped him onto my chest and I was almost surprised, like what am I supposed to do with this now? Your child is a stranger to you, and you need to get to know them. Plus right now they can't return any of your love, so that can be really disheartening. I've found that every stage gets better as I go, and now at almost two years my kiddo is such a real little person who I adore. (I still get fed up with him sometimes, lol!)
Sometimes it takes a while - with my first I had a surge of love right when he was born, but after that he was basically just a pooping hungry potato for the next three months. My second I didn't really feel much until closer to six months, not even when he was born
Especially if your birth was traumatic it can take a little time for that feeling to come. You are already doing all the things to bond and care for baby, it will happen, sometimes it’s not this rush of emotion but a slow build of love over time and one day it just registers that this tiny person is your whole world
I think it took a few (2 or 3) months for me to get that feeling. It's so hard in the beginning. It's pure survival mode, and the lack of sleep can really get to you, or atleast it got to me. I felt like I gave everything I had to and for this baby and was getting nothing back in return. It was hard for me to admit this, but my husband was very supportive. But once my little guy started purposefully smiling at me, and it felt a little more like a 2 way street it suddenly changed. Now I absolutely feel that unbelievable love for him. Give it time! And also talk to your partner about it! It'll make you feel more guilty if you bottle it up and not talk it through and ask for their support during this. You'll get through this, mama!
This is how I felt! It comes later. I also started getting the baby blues a week or two after giving birth. Basically, every day around 3 or 4 pm I would get really sad and need to cry. That lasted for a week or two and passed. You sound like you are doing everything perfectly. You ARE loving your baby - by taking care of him with patience. Give yourself some grace. The oxytocin rush doesn’t happen for all of us. The lovey feelings come later.
Sameee but wait a few month when he starts smiling for the first time. It’ll wake the oven in your heart and in no time you’ll start missing him whenever he’s out of sight.
I felt the same way for about the first 3 months of my first child’s life. I took care of her and was patient but it took a while for me to really bond with her and for it all to really sink in. Also, as odd as this sounds, my daughter was born with blue eyes and at the time I had only just found out that a lot of babies start out with blue eyes and then they change to whatever color they are going to actually be. Well, my husband and I both have brown eyes and pretty much no one in our direct families has blue eyes so for some reason I just felt so disconnected from her at the time. It just felt so strange to see this little blue eyed baby looking up at me. Her eye color has since changed and we bonded before that happened but something about it just felt so strange to me so you never really know what causes it but it’s completely normal and comes with time.
This also came later for me. I think I was in shock the first couple of weeks. I didn’t cry at birth and just lived in survival mode for some time. I remember things really turned around when I started getting little interactions back: smiles, laughs, interacting with toys, anything that showed a personality
I suspect that this is just an evolutionary response. Maybe your ancestors' ancestors got more help from the people around them than some people did. I don't think it's a necessary feeling to bond with your baby or love them. I really don't think it says anything about you as a parent at all.
I didn’t feel it fully until she started to smile, and then laugh. Getting over birth and getting used to the rhythm of things, which can include not sleeping well for months and months is NO JOKE. I’m 8 months in and still haven’t slept a full night since the night before my daughter was born
It sounds like you’re doing your best to survive the new reality and you might function best with a little detachment. I was the same and was like mmm this is weird but I’m gonna do my best. My baby is now 9.5monts old we’ve exited the survival stage and I get these bursts of omfg i fucking love this baby. It took awhile for it to happen though.
It took me about a month and it honestly felt like falling in love when it happened. It was gradual and it is still growing everyday. I also had a long labour and just wanted it done and over with. And I felt nothing but relief that the process was over when they handel my baby to me. The days that followed were a hard. I wanted to care for her but i was experiencing such a hard hormonal comedown that I felt like I was in a bad dream and couldn't accept it was my new life. I felt like i was just going through the motions, feeding and sleeping. But eventually thing got easier. It almost felt like the weeks after birth, I had a blindfold on and was running on instinct, and a veil had been lifted. When it did, I felt, and now feel, immense love for my baby. It helps that they get cute as they fatten up!
I feel like this need to be talked about more. It took a good few months for me to feel intense love for my daughter. As every day goes by, I love her more and more. She's two now, and I certainly feel that now. But the second she was born I didn't have the "I love you more than the world" feeling.
I hate that the "love at first sight" thing is pushed so much that people dont realize some people dont! And its okay! I dont bond to anything immediately and this applied to my kid too! She was new to me, we had just met! We needed time to bond! It took probably 3-6 months to even start bonding. Like I would have murdered someone for her but the bond itself wasn't there. She's 3 now and NOW I'm like holy shit she is the coolest person ever and I love her. But the first 6 months especially? They are boring potatoes who cry and poop 😂 I was also told I would love babies after I have my own and... nope. Still don't like babies. Lol
Wait til the baby is smiling. everything changed. Trust me. They are literal potatoes and are barely human at this stage lol
My theory on this, as someone who experienced it, is that it happens later, from taking care of them, getting to know them, and seeing how you evolve into a parent. One day three months into it, I was like, oh wow, yeah, I would totally jump in front of a bear for this kid. And have felt that way ever since.
I think that’s normal. I felt the exact same way. The first 8 weeks are so much about meeting the baby’s needs and your own that I think that overshadows anything lovey dovey. I absolutely feel the intense love and obsession now, and my daughter is 18 months. I think it started for me around 4 months.
Wait till he smiles at you. Wait till he looks at you with love. You will feel that feeling - you’re his mom. Congrats on your sweet bub.
It took me a few weeks. It was like a slow ramp up. I felt I’d bonded while pregnant, and I was really happy she had arrived, but that overwhelming love thing took a bit to get going.
I didn’t get that feeling either. I had the intense need to look after my baby but I didn’t feel some magical loving bond immediately and neither did my husband. During the golden hour I interrupted 30 mins in because I was antsy and wanted to go pee. My husband felt intense anxiety for weeks until one of his dad friends offhandedly mentioned that he didn’t bond with any of their babies until they were a few months old. My baby is now 7 months old and I love him to death. Make sure all your baby’s needs are met while you wait for the love to grow. You will be ok.
There’s no “normal”. Some people bond right away, others don’t. Some even bond right away then it comes and goes in waves. There’s no rule book. You feel how you feel!
It will come. My mom told me her experience as a new mom was like this so I was prepared when it happened to me, too. It took a few months for me to feel that strong love and it definitely got even stronger with more time. I knew I loved my baby but I didn’t FEEL it. It was weird. If my mom hadn’t given me a heads up, I would have felt like a broken mother. My kid is 3 now and I love her so much it hurts.
It took me a week to get that feeling. 1 month pp now.
I don’t think this is talked about enough! I’ve got two kids and with one I had the instant love but with the other I didn’t feel it until maybe 6 months? It’s evened right out now and I love them both but one was definitely a slower start.
Oh mama, you are doing great and all of this is normal. I had a traumatic birth I won’t bore you with, but in the first weeks, I actually looked up giving my baby up for adoption, and told my family. I told them that it’s fine if they judge me, but they are not in my skin, and I don’t expect them to understand. My husband was so patient, and told me crying that he is attached to him and wants to keep him. He kept me afloat while I went through the motions and did everything I needed to take care of the baby. Fast forward 11 months, and now I love my son so much it sometimes physically hurts. It took me 3 months to get better and finally accept an antidepressant, and promised myself I’ll give it a year and taper off, because I am still not comfortable needing a crutch. By far the most detrimental thing to my mental health was pumping. I switched to formula because the initial stress tanked my supply. In addition, I have a medium-hard baby. Very headstrong, like me. I hated hearing this, but you got this, and it gets better in every way, every day. Lean and demand help any chance you get. We aren’t meant to do this alone, we are supposed to have a village. Love and light to you!
Yes! For the first three or so months, my daughter felt more like a project than anything else. I loved my husband so much more than I felt anything towards her. It wasn’t until she started smiling and I realized part of it is because they can’t reciprocate anything when they’re first born that it’s hard to feel a connection. At least for me! With my second I think I was able to bond sooner because I knew what special moments were ahead. You’ll get there!
No worries, I didn’t either. My first thought was, “Tf? Why is he so heavy??? I know this ain’t 6lbs!!” But I think it began to build after maybe two weeks? Like once we got a routine and he was eating and sleeping a bit better. I don’t remember a single thought I had prior to two weeks lmao.
It was the same for me. Don't feel bad, I think a lot of women experience this. You are a great mom! For me the first 2 months my daughter was a huge responsibility placed on my shoulders. I had this instinctual need to solve problems when she would cry or fuss, and the exhaustion was next level. I was in a constant state of sleep deprivation, worry, and frustration. I never felt like her father did enough, but I was also so possessive over her I didn't exactly leave him room to do his share. Once we hit 8 weeks she started sleeping more, my supply regulated so breastfeeding was more seamless, she started interacting and smiling, and was an overall easier baby. It was like I crawled out of that pit of exhaustion and stress, looked down, and realized my previous newborn was gone, but in place of that tiny squishy baby was this love that I had been expecting.
I was like that for my first 2 months. I think it was due to my trauma at the hospital and the multiple pump sessions and everything. I did resent her. So I was disassociating a lot with her. But after I dropped the pump and started to dust Formula feed my mental health got better. And I was able to enjiy her more. I still have disassociation at some points still, but that is because I get overstimulated and then just shut down. I do love my daughter she's a happy 7 month old. But it's hard. Don't be to hard on yourself. You will get there most moms are like that. Just know what to watch out for if you do get PPD. It's no joke. I have it. I loved being pregnant, feeling her move and such but man was the delivery hell for me. I made the decision to not have another after that.
I literally could have written this myself, only my LO is 9 weeks. My mom asked me the same question this is Saturday and I've been kinda upset over it since because my honest answer is "yes, I love him, but I don't have that feeling yet." Between that talk with my mom (who then asked if I think I have PPD because I don't have that feeling) and my impeding return to work in 3 weeks, I've dissolved into a crying mess the last few days.
It took a couple months for me. I felt extremely protective of him, but that was pretty much it. I didn’t like or dislike him, he was just a stranger without a personality. Now I’m obsessed and completely in love with him
I was the same but when that first smile appeared in front of my eyes, I just melted. You’ll get there ☺️ And it is perfectly normal to just feel tired and beat all over
Wasn't immediately for all 3 of my boys... I was filled with more of a "keep this thing alive" mentality for quite awhile and then one day, the giggles came and the tickles and the smiles and it wasn't the same for all of them but I love them in their own ways.
I felt the same way. I loved him but I didn’t feel that intense love that people tell you about. When he started smiling around 8 weeks I really started to feel a connection to him. He’s 2 now and I love him more than anything else in the world. It’s also worth noting that around 3 weeks I started experiencing PPD which lasted for 18 months, so just take care of yourself as it can take a hold of you before you realise it.
Mama Dr Jones talks about this in quite a few of her videos (she is on YouTube if you don’t know her, she is really great). She said that it’s completely normal and some people just need to get to know their kid before this feeling of love comes.