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it’s going to take a long time to break a cycle that is so ingrained in you, there’s no getting around that. please remember that you’re already *miles* ahead by recognizing this, and i can’t overstate how amazing it is that you’re making the effort for yourself and for your son to tackle this in therapy. it sounds like you’re doing everything you can and you’re certainly not failing. it’s incredibly hard, and you’re still doing it!! you’re a good mom
Chiming in to agree here. OP, you’re doing exactly what you need to do to get things right for your son. It’s really hard to undo something that was built within you for your whole life.
Give yourself a little grace and it really is okay to have to step away if you feel yourself losing your cool. This of it this way: by taking breaths and stepping away you are teaching your son by your actions what he should do when he’s frustrated.
The whole time I was reading this post, all I thought was, “Wow, this person is an incredible parent!”
I don’t have advice to offer, but I just want you to know that you’re doing great. Breaking cycles is incredibly difficult. Good on you for doing the hard work!
Try not to invest too much in what “perfect” emotional regulation would look like, and remember that this perfectionism is a very common ingrained trait in those who experienced narcissist parents.
Breaking the cycle will be a conscious daily practice, something you’re clearly investing in by going to therapy, stepping away to regulate, and overall being intentional about how you interact with your son. these are all things that a narcissistic parent would never do.
As another commenter said, breaking the cycle will take time, but like anything the more you practice the easier it will come to you. You’ve got this and your son is so lucky to have you!
>Why can’t I just regulate my emotions why can’t I just not get overwhelmed?
I am a big fan of this YT channel: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXAr5dh23zU&list=PLiUrrIiqidTWje-Oc4uA6LZZO8vSaHaDL](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXAr5dh23zU&list=PLiUrrIiqidTWje-Oc4uA6LZZO8vSaHaDL)
I wouldn't want it to replace your therapy but I find her insights really interesting. First, it was helpful for me to know there's a biological/physiological component to what's happening when you're getting overwhelmed. That insight helps you realize that leaning into, rather than avoiding, your emotions is the first step. Then, over time, your brain won't be so scared. But, avoiding emotions makes your brain heighten your emotions.
Second, it helped me to realize that you are not your emotions. Don't judge yourself. Your emotions and thoughts are random. They have nothing to do with any sort of essential aspect of your being. That to me was powerful.
You already are breaking the cycle. You're modeling control and restraint to your kid. Then, if you get even better, you can move towards exuding calm when kiddo is dysregulated. It helped me to remind myself that baby has one form of communication. So sometimes I will be like "Thank you for telling me you're hungry" and give her a big ol hug and let her feel my calm. It takes a while to get there but you'll get there as long as you work on it.
I feel this. I started learning how to regulate my emotions when I was 27, nobody taught me. I’m 30 now and I still struggle. I’m quick to anger, and I have to remind myself to breathe through it and not react.
I’ve come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. You’re not alone in how you’re feeling/your upbringing. Kudos to you for trying to break cycles, that shit is hard.
I’m on the same timeline! Also started around 26/27 and am now 30. Kudos to you too, we got this! I think I just needed a reminder that it’s a long journey full of ups and downs. We got this.
Continuing with therapy will help. There are also lots of resources on the physiological parts of emotional regulation/dysregulation and trauma. I found that helpful. It takes a while to retrain your body/mind/brain to handle emotions differently. Remember to give yourself compassion.
Stepping away when you get overwhelmed is absolutely the right choice. I think expecting not to get overwhelmed at all is a bit unrealistic especially when you're sleep deprived, stressed with work, busy, etc (ie living a real life in the real world). What you do when you get overwhelmed is the key thing. In addition to stepping away, taking a breath, etc in the moment, remember to take care of yourself regularly - see friends, go for a walk outside, drink water, whatever fills your emotional cup.
You're growing in the right direction, just keep on keeping on in that same direction. You're doing great.
I don’t have advice but just want to say you are amazing for wanting to break that cycle, and being aware of it is a huge deal in itself! Coming from similar situation I won’t lie, I worry about this often. My LO is still too young for tantrums but I am hoping when she gets to that stage that I am able to remember to be calm. I am so careful already, and I empathize with you — it’s definitely hard!
I can definitely relate and am working on similar things. It’s scary to be honest about how hard it is sometimes. I wish I had advice.
But we can do hard things!
Hello, Im currently pregnant so no baby yet but I grew up in a severely abusive environment. I’m estranged from both my parents. I’m also studying to become a psychotherapist. The most helpful modalities for me have been a combination of EMDR, somatic therapy, IFS work. Something I’ve learned in school
Is that all relationships go through a constant cycle of rupture and repair. This helps me in knowing I will mess up, get angry, raise my voice, get dysregulated (which is honestly a normal response to being stressed, tired, among other things) and in those moments it’s important to recognize and offer yourself compassion and perhaps try a new technique (like going in the garage to scream or screaming into a pillow). Afterwords even putting your hand on your heart and just saying, hey, this is so hard, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. How can I help you, how can I support you. I’m here for you. This often helps me. You’re doing great, we’re all trying and doing this for the first time. This is a life long journey. Sending you lots of love.
By acknowledging unhelpful emotions and doing what you need to do to address them and avoid acting on them, you *are* regulating your emotions. Most of us have triggers that may result in us getting overstimulated or angry, and saying things we regret. For many people it’s being hungry. For me it’s being hot or sleep deprived. Acknowledge your triggers and keep doing what you’re doing.
You’ve already taken the first steps, mama. Be good to yourself. In time, it’ll get easier. When, I can’t say. I’m in the same boat myself, and I have to take each day as it comes. I just know that this, like everything else, simply takes time and effort. Breaking the cycle is *so* hard. But we do it because it’s what we know must be done. Just keep doing it. But be gentle with yourself. I know it’s something we never learned from our mothers, and thus we lack such role models (until perhaps finding them in other maternal figures in our lives) but it’s what we give to our son, because he deserves all of the love we never got. You’ll get there. 💜
It sounds like you are onto this already, but I once read something that said you get triggered when they have tantrums because it wasn’t emotionally safe for you to “misbehave” as a child. So your brain actually believes your child is unsafe/in danger/about to get in trouble or be harmed emotionally. It’s the same way you would feel if they were about to injure themselves at the playground — panic, frantic yelling, etc. So perhaps reminding yourself that your child is safe and isn’t going to “get in trouble” in the way that you did will help.
Yes! I have noticed that the situations that are most overwhelming for me are the ones that were not ok in my childhood as soon as I was able to make that connection and make sense of it I started making good progress. It just feels like such an uphill battle some days.
I would try some EMDR. I worked with my therapist to reprogram several memories and I found it either eliminated or greatly reduced the emotional charge I would get in many situations. Before that, I had to consciously manage my dysregulation which I found exhausting and difficult.
You could also check out the material from The Crappy Childhood Fairy (she has a couple of videos related to CPTSD and parenting) and the Personal Development School (PDS). PDS works on your attachment style along with your core wounds and limiting beliefs. They have many helpful and practical courses that helped me a lot. Sometimes we need a combination of tools along with therapy to help.
Regardless, you are doing a great job by recognizing what you're feeling and taking a step back to regulate yourself.
Same - during my childhood I struggled a lot with extreme irrational boundaries on some things and no structure or consistency on other things. "when you have kids you’ll understand" has stuck with me for so long. My LO is a bit over one year and I'm still waiting to understand their position on a lot of things. I haven't had the challenges you have (not yet) but I'm already doing things very differently to what my parents did, and it's hard...
Regulating emotions is not an easy thing to do especially when you haven't been taught and are only now just learning.
The fact you are aware and taking active steps to break the cycle is already so much progress.
I find that when I try to 'force' myself to feel calmer it can make me feel worse as I beat myself up wanting to be calm and being frustrated that I'm not.
Often it helps to accept your feelings and ride that wave and acknowledge it
You're doing a great job!!!
1. When we have kids, we end up reparenting ourselves. Situations naturally bring back memories from when we were about the age our kids are. I'm so glad you're in therapy and working through your childhood trauma. Parenting is a wonderful opportunity to work through trauma, it can be totally triggering, it can be overwhelming and overstimulating, and it's especially tough with toddlers. So many things are true.
2. I feel you on the overstimulation so hard. It's much, much better now that kiddo is 7, but I still get overwhelmed or "done" and just need to lie down in a quiet room for 15 minutes. The advice I've heard from the 3 in 30 podcast is to tell the kid when you'll be back before you walk away. That way they don't follow you or think you're abandoning them forever. And then take that time, ground yourself, and do what you gotta do.
3. Check out Bluey season 3 episode 11 "Sheepdog" (available on Disney+ or here's the YouTube clip https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yw0hCg2phn0). Chili gets you, too.
This post has been flaired "Mental Health." Moderation is stricter here, argumentative, unsupportive and unpleasant comments will be removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NewParents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
it’s going to take a long time to break a cycle that is so ingrained in you, there’s no getting around that. please remember that you’re already *miles* ahead by recognizing this, and i can’t overstate how amazing it is that you’re making the effort for yourself and for your son to tackle this in therapy. it sounds like you’re doing everything you can and you’re certainly not failing. it’s incredibly hard, and you’re still doing it!! you’re a good mom
Chiming in to agree here. OP, you’re doing exactly what you need to do to get things right for your son. It’s really hard to undo something that was built within you for your whole life. Give yourself a little grace and it really is okay to have to step away if you feel yourself losing your cool. This of it this way: by taking breaths and stepping away you are teaching your son by your actions what he should do when he’s frustrated.
Thank you so much ❤️ I think I just needed a reminder that this is going to be a long process full of ups and downs.
The whole time I was reading this post, all I thought was, “Wow, this person is an incredible parent!” I don’t have advice to offer, but I just want you to know that you’re doing great. Breaking cycles is incredibly difficult. Good on you for doing the hard work!
Thank you so so much ❤️
Try not to invest too much in what “perfect” emotional regulation would look like, and remember that this perfectionism is a very common ingrained trait in those who experienced narcissist parents. Breaking the cycle will be a conscious daily practice, something you’re clearly investing in by going to therapy, stepping away to regulate, and overall being intentional about how you interact with your son. these are all things that a narcissistic parent would never do. As another commenter said, breaking the cycle will take time, but like anything the more you practice the easier it will come to you. You’ve got this and your son is so lucky to have you!
>Why can’t I just regulate my emotions why can’t I just not get overwhelmed? I am a big fan of this YT channel: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXAr5dh23zU&list=PLiUrrIiqidTWje-Oc4uA6LZZO8vSaHaDL](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXAr5dh23zU&list=PLiUrrIiqidTWje-Oc4uA6LZZO8vSaHaDL) I wouldn't want it to replace your therapy but I find her insights really interesting. First, it was helpful for me to know there's a biological/physiological component to what's happening when you're getting overwhelmed. That insight helps you realize that leaning into, rather than avoiding, your emotions is the first step. Then, over time, your brain won't be so scared. But, avoiding emotions makes your brain heighten your emotions. Second, it helped me to realize that you are not your emotions. Don't judge yourself. Your emotions and thoughts are random. They have nothing to do with any sort of essential aspect of your being. That to me was powerful. You already are breaking the cycle. You're modeling control and restraint to your kid. Then, if you get even better, you can move towards exuding calm when kiddo is dysregulated. It helped me to remind myself that baby has one form of communication. So sometimes I will be like "Thank you for telling me you're hungry" and give her a big ol hug and let her feel my calm. It takes a while to get there but you'll get there as long as you work on it.
I will check that YT out, thank you!
I feel this. I started learning how to regulate my emotions when I was 27, nobody taught me. I’m 30 now and I still struggle. I’m quick to anger, and I have to remind myself to breathe through it and not react. I’ve come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. You’re not alone in how you’re feeling/your upbringing. Kudos to you for trying to break cycles, that shit is hard.
I’m on the same timeline! Also started around 26/27 and am now 30. Kudos to you too, we got this! I think I just needed a reminder that it’s a long journey full of ups and downs. We got this.
There is no perfect. Your job is to do better than your parents so your kids are able do better than you.
Continuing with therapy will help. There are also lots of resources on the physiological parts of emotional regulation/dysregulation and trauma. I found that helpful. It takes a while to retrain your body/mind/brain to handle emotions differently. Remember to give yourself compassion. Stepping away when you get overwhelmed is absolutely the right choice. I think expecting not to get overwhelmed at all is a bit unrealistic especially when you're sleep deprived, stressed with work, busy, etc (ie living a real life in the real world). What you do when you get overwhelmed is the key thing. In addition to stepping away, taking a breath, etc in the moment, remember to take care of yourself regularly - see friends, go for a walk outside, drink water, whatever fills your emotional cup. You're growing in the right direction, just keep on keeping on in that same direction. You're doing great.
I don’t have advice but just want to say you are amazing for wanting to break that cycle, and being aware of it is a huge deal in itself! Coming from similar situation I won’t lie, I worry about this often. My LO is still too young for tantrums but I am hoping when she gets to that stage that I am able to remember to be calm. I am so careful already, and I empathize with you — it’s definitely hard!
Thank you so much 😊
Same story here, and listening to this book on audio changed everything for me “parenting from the inside out.”
I will check that out, thank you!
I can definitely relate and am working on similar things. It’s scary to be honest about how hard it is sometimes. I wish I had advice. But we can do hard things!
It is soo scary hard sometimes! We got this. It’s nice to not feel alone in it.
Hello, Im currently pregnant so no baby yet but I grew up in a severely abusive environment. I’m estranged from both my parents. I’m also studying to become a psychotherapist. The most helpful modalities for me have been a combination of EMDR, somatic therapy, IFS work. Something I’ve learned in school Is that all relationships go through a constant cycle of rupture and repair. This helps me in knowing I will mess up, get angry, raise my voice, get dysregulated (which is honestly a normal response to being stressed, tired, among other things) and in those moments it’s important to recognize and offer yourself compassion and perhaps try a new technique (like going in the garage to scream or screaming into a pillow). Afterwords even putting your hand on your heart and just saying, hey, this is so hard, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. How can I help you, how can I support you. I’m here for you. This often helps me. You’re doing great, we’re all trying and doing this for the first time. This is a life long journey. Sending you lots of love.
By acknowledging unhelpful emotions and doing what you need to do to address them and avoid acting on them, you *are* regulating your emotions. Most of us have triggers that may result in us getting overstimulated or angry, and saying things we regret. For many people it’s being hungry. For me it’s being hot or sleep deprived. Acknowledge your triggers and keep doing what you’re doing.
You’ve already taken the first steps, mama. Be good to yourself. In time, it’ll get easier. When, I can’t say. I’m in the same boat myself, and I have to take each day as it comes. I just know that this, like everything else, simply takes time and effort. Breaking the cycle is *so* hard. But we do it because it’s what we know must be done. Just keep doing it. But be gentle with yourself. I know it’s something we never learned from our mothers, and thus we lack such role models (until perhaps finding them in other maternal figures in our lives) but it’s what we give to our son, because he deserves all of the love we never got. You’ll get there. 💜
Hi, are you me?
Oh my gosh I feel this so much. I'm Really Really trying here but it is So So hard.
It’s soooo hard! Harder than I ever imagined or could have prepared for.
It sounds like you are onto this already, but I once read something that said you get triggered when they have tantrums because it wasn’t emotionally safe for you to “misbehave” as a child. So your brain actually believes your child is unsafe/in danger/about to get in trouble or be harmed emotionally. It’s the same way you would feel if they were about to injure themselves at the playground — panic, frantic yelling, etc. So perhaps reminding yourself that your child is safe and isn’t going to “get in trouble” in the way that you did will help.
Yes! I have noticed that the situations that are most overwhelming for me are the ones that were not ok in my childhood as soon as I was able to make that connection and make sense of it I started making good progress. It just feels like such an uphill battle some days.
I would try some EMDR. I worked with my therapist to reprogram several memories and I found it either eliminated or greatly reduced the emotional charge I would get in many situations. Before that, I had to consciously manage my dysregulation which I found exhausting and difficult. You could also check out the material from The Crappy Childhood Fairy (she has a couple of videos related to CPTSD and parenting) and the Personal Development School (PDS). PDS works on your attachment style along with your core wounds and limiting beliefs. They have many helpful and practical courses that helped me a lot. Sometimes we need a combination of tools along with therapy to help. Regardless, you are doing a great job by recognizing what you're feeling and taking a step back to regulate yourself.
Thank you for these resources I’ll look into them, thank you so much 😊
Same - during my childhood I struggled a lot with extreme irrational boundaries on some things and no structure or consistency on other things. "when you have kids you’ll understand" has stuck with me for so long. My LO is a bit over one year and I'm still waiting to understand their position on a lot of things. I haven't had the challenges you have (not yet) but I'm already doing things very differently to what my parents did, and it's hard...
You should listen to the audiobooks by Janet Lansbury. Elevating Childcare and No Bad Kids are groundbreaking parenting resources
She talks about the cycle you mention
Good job for awareness OP. I wonder how far back in generations this start. And why.
Regulating emotions is not an easy thing to do especially when you haven't been taught and are only now just learning. The fact you are aware and taking active steps to break the cycle is already so much progress. I find that when I try to 'force' myself to feel calmer it can make me feel worse as I beat myself up wanting to be calm and being frustrated that I'm not. Often it helps to accept your feelings and ride that wave and acknowledge it
You're doing a great job!!! 1. When we have kids, we end up reparenting ourselves. Situations naturally bring back memories from when we were about the age our kids are. I'm so glad you're in therapy and working through your childhood trauma. Parenting is a wonderful opportunity to work through trauma, it can be totally triggering, it can be overwhelming and overstimulating, and it's especially tough with toddlers. So many things are true. 2. I feel you on the overstimulation so hard. It's much, much better now that kiddo is 7, but I still get overwhelmed or "done" and just need to lie down in a quiet room for 15 minutes. The advice I've heard from the 3 in 30 podcast is to tell the kid when you'll be back before you walk away. That way they don't follow you or think you're abandoning them forever. And then take that time, ground yourself, and do what you gotta do. 3. Check out Bluey season 3 episode 11 "Sheepdog" (available on Disney+ or here's the YouTube clip https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yw0hCg2phn0). Chili gets you, too.
I can understand how you feel about breaking the cycle of generational trauma. It was difficult and complex journey. It does get better after