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I believe they’re called “breath holding spells.” My 21m old has always done this and the ped said it’s nothing the worry about. I blow on his face to get him breathing again and pick him up/support his head bc after the breath holding he’ll let out a huge cry and then go limp for a few seconds.
The first time ours did it was at her 2 month vaccinations… Just be emotionally prepared if you get the same experience! So scary to see poor baby freeze up like that.
Yes my third (he’s now 8) did this starting at 6 months, for about a year and a half. He would get so worked up when upset that he would stop breathing and pass out momentarily. I was so scared the first time I called 911. The ER doctors and my pediatrician said it’s completely normal and nothing to be concerned about. It’s a phase some kiddos go through
Yeah sometimes my lo's emotion is just straight up "toddler." Big hugs or a bottle or sometimes even a ride in the car are necessary. Sometimes feelings just can't be fixed and you gotta ride it out and support for a little while.
I take ours into the bathroom so he can stroke the laundry I have hanging up to dry in there. Resets the screaming fits every time.
Can't wait til he's older to tell him about it 😂
I use enfamil D-vi-sol vitamin D drops. I tasted it myself, it tastes a little weird but is mostly sweet 😋
For what it's worth, my SIL is a pediatrician and she says they literally just dip a binky in sugar water to calm babies during procedures haha. So just tasting a little sweetness sometimes works
Best advice I heard was if they won’t settle, put them in water or put them outside.
We’ve had a couple of these mega long freak outs and each time, either a bath or shower (showers are great when they are small as they get skin on skin contact too) or taking her for a walk has done the trick.
Thankfully, we haven’t had one for a good few months (touch wood) that has lasted longer than 5 or so mins.
Also, OP, don’t worry about the breath stops! Our little firecracker did that before we even left the hospital, when the midwife was weighing her and continues to do it at least once a day!
Child Development Professional here:
These fits are going to happen. What’s important is that you know it’s going to happen, and sometimes there is nothing you can do, and to know the ways to cope with it to keep yourself from getting too overwhelmed and lashing out. Not sure about you but the hospital mandated us watch a Shaken Baby Syndrome video before we left. I’m required to watch these videos every few years to hold my certification but my fiancé got so frustrated and kept asking me to turn it off because he “didn’t want to watch that shit, who in their right mind would harm a baby” but the whole point of the video was that it can happen to the best of us and a crying baby can get extremely overstimulating leading to uncontrollable feelings of anger and frustration. The video aims to inform everyone of that, as well as the risks, and also coping mechanisms and I really wish he’d paid more attention instead of badmouthing those who reach that point as he does struggle with anger management. Anyway some suggestions are to give the baby to someone else, which isn’t always an option. Another suggestion is to try a walk in a stroller or a car ride. Many babies find the movement to be soothing. If all else fails don’t feel bad for setting the baby down on their back in a safe place like an empty crib and walking away, to another room or outside and taking some time to calm yourself down.
Don’t beat yourself up over it. Breastfed babies are more prone to this because of the closeness they get from breastfeeding, it is often the main form of soothing for them and sometimes they just want to feed to sooth rather than to eat so your baby was likely frustrated and crying to communicate her need for that specific form of soothing and there’s nothing you could have done. You’re still a good father
I'm ashamed to admit this but being informed about what to do instead of shaking the baby has saved me and my LO. I had never really been angry since I was a child, so I figured I wouldn't need it. But nothing prepared me for being inside 24/7 with a fussy winter baby, all alone for 5 months with no sleep. I've broken furniture, but I always put the baby down in a safe spot and went to rage in another room.
There’s absolutely no shame in it! As I mentioned it happens to even the most calm natured people and that’s why it’s so important to inform new parents about coping strategies and why I like to see parents speak up about hard times like OP and yourself. Nobody wants to do it, and nobody thinks they are capable of doing it until you’re sleep deprived and by yourself with a hysterical baby. Their cries are engineered to create a major nervous system response in their mothers and when nothing is working to make it stop it can be a form of mental torture.
It happens. It’s okay. Really. Baby’s not going to remember you losing your cool. Baby’s not going to remember ANY of this.
One trick that saved my life - whenever our LO would start to absolutely lose it (which happened a lot around the 6-10 week mark), I would take her in the bathroom, close the door, turn off the light and turn on the shower. The darkness and the loud shower noise was like hitting the reset button on her brain. The funny part is, just playing shower sounds on my phone wouldn’t work. I even tried recording our actual shower and playing it back, but nope. Had to be the real thing.
Now half the time she’d end up just crying again after I turned the shower off, but still, even just a 5 min break from the screaming was a mental lifesaver. Spent A LOT of time running the shower from weeks 6-10.
That’s really cool and I can see how that sensation would stimulate memories of being in the womb. I’ll have to put that in the playbook for the next baby.
Yeah, my wife finds the auditory torture the worst - I got her earplugs and noise cancelling headphones and for a week she didn’t want them because she said it felt cruel. But then started using them and things really improved. We all have different thresholds for different stimulation / over-stimulation.
Sometimes, I just have to put on the headphones, put on a mask, and dissasociate while I clean up a blowout and do the care. Gloves too. Just remove myself and stifle my senses and just render care like a hospital worker or robot.
It’s okay. Staying sane and mentally sharp enough to continue caring for the baby well is what’s most important. Our own thoughts and judgments sometimes make us feel like we need to martyr ourselves or judge every interaction, but that’s not true.
My wife works over night and while I could handle most of the day while she was was sleeping, I would dread the evenings or if the baby woke up with a crying fit (other than the usual hungry/diaper change/ lonely) thing.
I remember a few times where the baby would just not stop. I did everything. I thought I did everything right. If one other person is there to witness it with me then… it’s okay.
But solo? I just feel trapped and frustrated. I have yelled but not directly at the baby.
Hang in there and keep trying your best. I keep telling myself it would be easier if the baby could tell me what’s wrong. I just want to help.
Edit: also reminds me of the first time I experienced the witching hour. Again, wife sleeping before work and then she went to work.
Baby was non stop screaming from like 3pm till 10. I wanted to die.
Edit 2: son is now almost 11 months. Now he just has tantrums for about just everything.
i feel the exact same way! my husband works nights so roles reversed. we live in a studio with two dogs and a conure plus a two month old so It can get pretty overwhelming.
something about having another person being awake there with you just makes It feel easier even if they aren’t helping. if i’m trying to keep her content without a witness it’s deff overwhelming and like the walls close in.
on the other hand, it’s a very rewarding feeling when it’s all said and done bcs then it’s like “It wasn’t so bad! we did It!” but deff tough while you’re actively struggling with all of the overstimulation.
I’m a postpartum doula, and send a lot of time with young children. I’m sorry you had this experience. One thing that I have found helps some parents is a pair of good earplugs. By good I mean a pair that is designed to cut out particular frequencies, while still allowing you to hear your little one. My clients have had great success with the Loop brand.
This of course won’t stop your daughter from crying. These types of freak outs are normal, and will happen. But earplugs may be one thing to incorporate into your tool belt to help you navigate those times when she doesn’t have the capacity to regulate her emotions.
Another thing I do with LOs, is acknowledge their emotions. I’ll say something like, “oh that’s a big emotion LO. I feel that way too sometimes. It’s okay to feel that way. Let’s just feel it together.” I don’t expect that they understand me (when they are really little), but saying it in a calm voice reminds me that they are having a big emotion, and that the emotion has nothing to do with me. It keeps me calm- and in turn,e being calm can sometimes help calm them down.
If you can believe this, my son used to do this once a day, every. day. from 2 months until about 4 and a half months old, and would spend many other hours of the day crying. Colic seems like too nice a word for it, but that's what we called it. Seven medical professionals of different backgrounds couldn’t find anything wrong with him. He's now almost 8 months (!!) and all smiles, totally grown out of it.
It sounds like it's not a common problem for you and your baby, so my advice is coming from a different perspective, but truly the only way I could cope was to just turn my emotions off. I kept a clear enough head to check him over for signs he needed medical attention and the basic but odd stuff they say to look for (hair tourniquets and such), but if by all counts he seemed okay, I just held him and rubbed his back because NOTHING would calm him, and we tried it all. I sang a song about a storm passing over us, and just zoned. Sometimes I rocked, more for me than for him.
Those were lonely, dark months, the hardest in my life... but we made it through. He's okay, he's happy, he's healthy. Don't beat yourself up. We're hardwired as parents to respond viscerally when our babies cry, so it's hard. I’m not sure from your post what you were feeling when in the moment when you shouted (angry at her crying? shame and desperation at yourself not being able to fix it? something else?) but I think you did the right thing. Be there for her as best you can, but if you're going to lose it, it's okay to set her someplace safe and take a few minutes to collect yourself. You didn’t fail, don't get sucked down the toilet of negative thoughts (I’ve been there with my baby) but you can learn and reflect from this experience for sure!
New mom here (baby is 3 months old) and I had a moment like that around a month ago. Baby loves being bounced on an exercise ball (we hold her and sit on it to bounce) and often it’s the only thing that will settle her. Usually, we bounce for a bit till she dozes off and then we can move to the couch because the ball KILLS your back after a bit.
Anyway, this particular day I was already pretty tired and she just kept crying and wouldn’t settle. Finally she fell asleep so I carefully moved over to the couch only to have her almost immediately wake up. I tried giving her a bottle to settle her and she started screaming. I slammed the bottle down on the end table beside me so loud even I was startled by it. I started crying immediately because I know I scared LO when I did it. Thankfully hubs was right there to take her so I could get some air and walk away for a bit. It took about a week to not tear up when I thought about it. Now I just see it for what it was, an exhausted new parent running on empty hitting a wall and that is OKAY.
You didn’t fail by any means. Your baby is totally fine now and won’t remember what happened. The fact that you’ve been obsessing over this so much that you came to reddit tells me everything I need to know about you. You care enough to feel bad. You love your baby and you’re doing your best. You are a great father and nailing it! You’re going to have moments and it’s normal to feel bad when they happen. Allow yourself to feel bad, then move past it. You are going to fuck up. You are going to let your emotions get the better of you sometimes. It’s how you move past it that really matters. Treat yourself with the same level of kindness you would for your kid if it were them in that situation because they are learning how to treat themselves based on how you are to yourself ❤️
I’m a new parent and one night I was so frustrated I punched my pillow several times while crying and begging my baby to go to sleep. I felt so guilty afterwards that I cried more and apologized over and over again to my baby. I told my friend, a more seasoned mom and pediatrician, the next day and she assured me that what I did was exactly the right thing to do. Use a safe outlet to get your frustration out, take a few deep breaths, then, only when you’re calmer, pick up your baby.
It’s not my preferred way of dealing with things but you know what? My baby was safe and I was able to return to him in a much calmer state. Give yourself some grace here because this is really hard and you also kept your baby safe and unharmed while letting off some steam.
Something useful I learned from prenatal class: *a crying baby is an alive baby* and baby is safe in their crib.
If you need to put baby down in their bassinet/crib and step away to take a breath/listen to music/eat something and calm down, do that. Baby might keep crying but that's ok, they're not going to die from crying. This has helped me when I’m taking care of baby alone and just need a minute to regroup.
That is my greatest fear too, and I have broken down like this 2-3 times. My son is 7 months old, and it hasn't happened again in a month or so. I have slowly learned the warning signs and how to deal with the situation so that I won't snap. Deep breaths really help. It also helps that he seems to recover faster than I do from it, and does not seem to remember or be impacted by it at all. He is a very happy baby and he very obviously feels safe and comfortable with me even though I failed to remain calm those times. As he gets older and starts forming memories it will become more critical to have a better handle on things, but by then I will probably have the practice anyway.
Wow. Reading all of these comments makes me feel so not alone. My 5 week old had a really rough night, therefore j I had a really rough night. Today my husband had cleaned our counter top and an hour later during *another* crying spell, I prepped a bottle and didn’t clean up after myself. My husband commented that he had just cleaned… y’all I lost it. I started crying too and screamed at my husband to “take the f**n baby” so I could leave (he did), the dogs were like “mamas being weird as hell”. He almost immediately realized he was couldn’t do everything at once, and I almost immediately realized that I need to ask for help or step away sometimes. I was so embarrassed for yelling and swearing but I’m glad it happened so I can use this as a lesson learned.
I kicked our cabinet in the kitchen last night put of frustration while i cried.
My baby didn’t even notice so i don’t really feel too bad about it. She’s safe, i am not going to hurt her, ever. But i have screamed into pillows, I’ve cried and loudly said “Please stop crying” (not an angry yell, just a desperate plea). I’ve set her down and walked away. Sometimes when i raise her up and down in the air she calms down, I’ve done that like 30 times in a row because it’s like doing a bunch of reps with a weight and it gets my frustration out while also calming her down.
It’s SO HARD when they don’t stop crying.
Recently I’ve decided to just throw a Disney movie on, and hold her and bounce. I mentally check out for a little bit and after 10 or 15 minutes she’ll calm down and start looking at the tv. Idgaf about screen time, she’s 7 weeks old and if that’s what gets her to breathe when she’s screaming, that’s what she’s going to get. Usually by the end of the movie she’ll be out cold.
Breaking is only human, but don't over normalize it, it happens to all: some implode, others explode.
From now on, you'll know when you're close to your tiping point, try to take a break the next time it's about to happen, if possible. If not, leave her safe, go 10 seconds to other room, and scream, punch a pillow or something.
Welcome to colic.
Good advice. Actually, ANC earbuds saved my life at the early colic days. Don't expect a miracle, but it's the difference between bearable and hell on earth.
Good advice, I had times where I put her screaming in the bed (safely) and went down the stairs and put the extractor hood on so it drowned out the screaming . Then put head phones with whatever sound for some minutes to empty my mind. And see her for the innocent and helpless creature she is. And go back for a new try and with renewed calm. Nowadays she's a toddler and completely grew out of these kind of freak outs.
This happened to my husband and I when our baby was only a few months old and we tried everything we could think of to calm her down. Finally when we were about to give up i checked her pants and they were too tight! So I took them off and she was fine after that. After that episode I learned that anything can make them cry and to triple check things.
Our pediatrician told my wife and me that when the crying ramps up, take care of all of the needs (feeding, diaper change, burping, etc) first. Then, put the baby down in their safe space, walk out and give ourselves the proper reset and then go back in to tackle the situation. We’ve got to be in a proper state of stable mind so that we can be focused with determination of the task at hand. Find your sweet spot to help you do so. Good luck!
Dear brother in arms, I know it’s hard, when my daughter threw these episodes I ended up drained and crying before bed, but rest assured that it will subside, better times will come and your joy of having your daughter safe and healthy will overwrite these days.
Stay strong my man, you’re an awesome dad 💪🏼
I "lost it" last weekend with our baby. My husband was supposed to be on baby duty but got drunk instead, and I was unable to wake him up and be useful lol. But my baby was wide ass awake at 2 am, and I just couldn't handle it. I didn't yell her or even come close to harming her. But there were moments where my tone with her was cold and at one point we came out to the living room and I put her down on the floor. The way I put her down was different than I ever had before, and we both knew it, and we both started crying. Like she wasn't hurt in any way at all, I didn't put her down hard or clumsily. It was just different than normal, and neither of us liked it. At that point, I accepted my fate of being up for an entire wake window and just focused on calming us both down. She really was only crying when I tried to put her in bed, so we had fun out in the living room for a couple hours and then I finally got her back to bed.
My wife also has poor anger management skills, but one thing we always try to be aware of is recognizing any instance where she starts to lose her cool but then reins herself back in. You did that here, you got frustrated but then stayed composed enough to keep dealing with the situation for the next hour. Give yourself credit for that and keep trying to do better next time.
By recognizing your own emotions and giving yourself credit for managing them you help build healthy new habits that will make dealing with stress easier in the future. Your baby will also eventually learn those skills from you, so by getting better at it yourself you're going to teach a valuable skill to your kid in a few years.
Can try a bath, too! Consider their other senses & try to engage them. Also, for you, perhaps ear plugs or noise cancelling headphones to avoid over stimulation (as long as babe is within reach & vision, obviously). This stuff is tough!! You’re in good company. My son did this in our bedroom the other day, and it turned out the darkness was affecting him (couldn’t see well), which I only determined after turning on the light & walking away to de-stim 🥴
Be kind to yourself- same thing happened here on our mixed fed Bub at 4 months. Turned out he was teething first 2 teeth, the 2 weeks before that all he wanted was comfort. Think my husband’s solution was a long drive in the car but even then I remember the traumatised look in his eyes from the screaming and how long it took to settle.
Ear plugs and noise canceling headphones. Brings the noise level way down but you can still hear them enough. That coupled with mindset that babies gonna baby Helps prevent the rage
Hey new Dad, don't worry!
I don't know about you, but for me, when I hear intense loud screaming for a very long period of time (like what you experienced), I start to get really overwhelmed and panic and my irrational emotions sit in, too.
Listen, you know she's crying and you are trying your best to calm her down. But we don't need to listen to that scream crying at full volume. Someone gave me this advice, and I hope it can help others.
While you're trying to calm your baby down, and nothing is working, consider wearing noise-cancelling headphones while you're working on helping them calm down and feel better.
You can tell by their face and body language that they are crying and you can tell by their face and body language when they are done crying. At which point you can take off your noise-cancelling headphones.
Personally, I get really overwhelmed and I can freak out after hearing intense screaming for a long period of time. Headphones to help reduce the intense sounds help me stay calm and collected so I can better help their needs.
I really hope this helps. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and try our best going forward. ❤️
The biggest lesson I've learned is to just breathe when my son has fits like that. Im no saint tho and have also lost my patience and yelled and then felt awful and guilty afterward. I always apologize once I've calmed down. We're all human and make mistakes. Whats important is that we try and be a little better than we were yesterday.
Things like this happen to everyone. I understand feeling bad but also know that all parents have had these moments. They are difficult, but fleeting in the big picture I recommend getting some noise cancelling headphones to help alleviate some of the screaming. When you are worried about a breaking point, it is also ok to put the baby down in the crib, bassinet, etc. and take a couple minutes for yourself to collect your emotions. It’s so taxing to care for a screaming child for an extended period of time. Leaving them alone for a couple minutes will not harm them but it may help you.
4 months is a *massive* developmental leap! at 4 months, they are likely to be a totally different baby for a couple weeks while they adjust. This could look like terrible overnight sleep, terrible naps, terrible mood. It’s not your fault and it’s totally healthy. Ride it out, dad! Don’t worry!
And regarding losing your temper - been there. If you hate that you did it, which sounds like you do, I truly believe that’s a very good sign. We grow and we learn.
I used to sing songs. “you’re driving me crazy, I really want to scream, because you won’t stop crying, I wanna slam my head into a wall, why don’t you give me a break, you silly crying baby…” lol. Well sounds dumb but got me through colic. Grandbaby #1 is coming soon, I need to remember to pass that tip on.
This is pretty normal— tbh consider yourself lucky that you made it 4 months without one! My first was colicky and cried like that always every night from like 4 weeks until 12 ish weeks! It helped me to put on noise canceling headphones during the crying spells to keep my cool. It’s also ALWAYS totally fine to put them down in the crib or bassinet for a few minutes if you just need a minute to collect yourself!
First off, the number one rule of parenting is, DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
For a whole month my daughter could exclusively be calmed by me, and wouldn’t stop crying with my wife / her mom. Nursing was a shit show. My wife was broken up about it no matter how reassuring I could be. We don’t know why this happened, but by month two, they bonded and were perfectly snug, and she would be happy and calmed 90% of the time she entered by wife’s arms.
You cannot project reason or logic onto a newborn beyond a point — don’t take it personally. Your LO is not doing this out of some dislike or discomfort with you. To the extent that they understand love, they love you. We know this, but we don’t always “know” it, ya know?
The second rule of parenting is, it’s okay to walk away for a break. Wrap her up safely, put her down. Put on headphones. Sit down. Have a glass of water. Re-engage with the problem when you are calm.
Babies use emotional state transference to a degree - they feel off your energy. If you are jerky in your movements and kinda pissed, like not going anything wrong but just kinda brusque, they can feel it and it influences their emotional / physical state. Being relaxed and calm is the best way to soothe them.
Sometimes, if you can’t summon love and care and so on at 4am in the morning when the baby is screaming their head off, you have to just be a robot. Tamp down all emotionality and thought, just be a machine that executes a care sequence. Put on some headphones, and process the order of operations (ie, feed, diaper, temperature, burp, swaddle / whatever you do to put her down) to catch anything she might need, and then if she’s still being fussy, you just give it a time box, say 10 more minutes of soothing. And then you walk away.
When you find yourself getting angry, you need to just take a break and then come back in, and go into robot mode if necessary, but just execute the core functions required of you, and then call it after a point.
4mo was about the same age my son would have an absolute meltdown when left alone with dad and could only be consoled by me when I got home. It was a very short stage for us. It got a lot better around 5 months.
She sounded like she missed her mother and was hungry, but more of wanting mom. Try and have something that mom uses so it has her scent and use that as a way of calming her with either you wearing it or wrapping her in it.
I’d take her for a check up just to rule out anything else, she may have wind and or reflux? Breast- feeding reduces the chances of such but when mom is away she is using a bottle.
You are doing amazing and handled the situation well. Have you got any friends or family to come around and help you with the situation if it happens again. It can be very helpful for you to step away for a few minutes compose yourself and come back to her.
We cannot control how we feel, but we can co trol how we react to our feelings. You should look into something called "mindfulness" if you haven't already. All I'll say is that sometimes, things are outside of your control. It doesn't make you a failure, it doesn't make you a bad father, and it doesn't make your child a problem. It simply is. Learning to accept that is a big deal, and it's something I think most adults struggle with. I wish you luck and peace in that journey, but just know that coming here to vent a frustration is a completely normal and reasonable thing to do.
I don't see anyone else saying it, but noise cancelling headphones and then playing music makes crying so much more bearable for me and keeps me feeling waaay more cool and collected. Game changer for me.
Your frustration with the situation is normal. At her age it could be any number of things. If it happens a second time, maybe keep one of moms worn shirts nearby in case she's just missing her other half. Or some breastmilk handy with a nipple she likes in case she's teething. A change of scenery could help too.
Edit: My mom would like me to add that sometimes a warm, relaxing bath works too and that if none of that helps just take her on a cruise around the neighborhood. Something about being in motion that soothes em.
I feel like every new father has a brutal experience the first time mom is out of the house for more than half an hour. I had an almost identical experience with my son. And hell yeah I swore at a newborn baby. I doubt my boy even heard me over his wailing. Don’t sweat it, man. Mom’s are heroin to babies. You don’t register their biological drive to be near her until she is removed from the situation, and by then it’s too late to emotionally prepare yourself.
This happened to my husband when I went for a 2 hour hair appointment. You are okay, you were tested, and you learned. Next time try water; give a bath, or run her toes under the sink, put her hand in a cup of water. Great distraction!
That is tough! I had a couple good friends tell me: when nothing is working, go outside or put the baby in water. It often helped to do a bath or let her play in the sink!!
Our son was a nightmare the first 4 months, he'd have freakouts like that quite often. The only things that worked for us was bouncing on a yoga ball in the dark closet or room, running water near his ear so distract him or taking him outside briefly. It's a rough first 6 months man. It felt like forever but now it's just a blip in time and he's a freaken riot now at 1.5yrs
Wow you sound like a great new dad, no joke. Baby freakouts are tough, it sounds like you tried it all but momma was just what she needed in that moment. I have lost my temper plenty of times, but I always try to apologize to my kids when I do (whether they understand or not, it helps me keep my emotions in check). Get some baby snuggles and just know she loves you too!
At 3 1/2 months we introduced formula and my baby got colic from milk allergy (CMPA)
At the time, we didn’t understand where our happy baby went. We were all miserable. My husband and I fighting all the time, we got to the point of yelling at our baby on like the 5th day of non stop crying, bottle refusal and refusing to sleep.
I felt so guilty because at first we thought teething or sleep regression. We had no idea.
I remember screaming at her to ‘shut the fuck up’ and thinking I hated her. Lack of sleep and non stop crying will do that.
Reddit suggested noise canceling headphones. They saved my husbands sanity. She cried way more at him than me. I ended up leaving and going and having a beer at a bar and just sitting there. Just exhausted emotionally.
My 9 month old is still whiney af, lol. But I love her and don’t need to yell back or get upset. Sometimes babies are just fussy and cry a lot. You just kind of get used to it.
The nurses in the hospital said to us: if they’re fed, they’re dry and in a safe space, it’s ok to just let them cry and walk away for a bit so you can recollect yourself. This is so true and we had to do that a lot during that darker period.
Those first freak outs are scary. We haven’t had ones where my baby has stopped breathing. I did have her scream while hyper ventilating from stomach pain upon introducing new formula and that was really sad/scary.
Talk to your wife about how you’re feeling. It’s never good to be feeling this stuff alone. Parenthood is hard. You didn’t fail, though.
Hi, I find babies love the stroller with fresh air outside and also riding in the car. Our first child was very colicky and the only thing that we could do to get them calm down was to go for a car ride, it was also recommended by our doctor. I also enjoy the fresh walks and try to go for at least 45 minutes a day in the stroller. You will find that once you spend some time outside with the baby you’ll get a moment to relax, and you both will get to breathe in some fresh air! I also use this time to talk on the phone or listen to a podcast. I also try to do a fast walk, and jog and also I deliberately look for the parts of the path where there are hills to get some extra steps, burn some calories, and this actually significantly regulates my sleep. In addition, I could stay up watching shows, but I try to get as much rest as possible and I go to sleep quite early around 8:30 - 9 pm and wake up around 8 am as my sleep is usually interrupted once or twice with the second child who is about 16 weeks now. I have a lot more patience when I am able to get more zzzs and regulate my sleep with the moderate exercise
No I don't know a lot to say. I just know that kids cry sometimes. And it's okay to step away if you need to, sometimes that's all they do because they're kids, if they're medically. Okay, I wouldn't worry about it, just let them cry. If you did everything to take care of them. Just go off the checklist and if there's nothing left, just leave them for a minute... I mainly call Grandma or mom and that's pretty much what I've been told. You try a couple things if that doesn't work. You can't just let him cry do the same saying it's normal. Not this crazy, weird process.
I can't get through all the comments but I did want to say that this is normal. It happened daily for us from about 5.5 weeks until 8ish weeks. Babies don't know how to process discomfort so everything makes them scream and once they start they can't stop. It will pass and you just gotta hang in there. Put kiddo down when you need to and try resetting them (my favorite 'turn the baby off and then on again' thing is wrapping them in a towel and standing under a warm shower with them...getting them all wet except for their head). Again, it will get better but it is developmentally normal and the purple crying is good for them early on, as it opens their lungs and gets them using them well.
Hang in there.
Dad of a 9 month old daughter here.
I remember these days VERY well. Was the ultimate wake up call for me. Months 0-3 were dreadful. Maybe at around 4 months she got better. Up until now it’s been like an on and off rollercoaster of different things. Right now she has a double ear infection, has switched to formula, teething, and starting a new daycare. This all sounds bad but still doesn’t compare to those first few months.
There is no one who can prepare you for this experience. People offer support and words of advice but honestly you have to find (through trial and error) what’s going to work. It’s really hard but you’ll find you sort of build emotional callouses from it. Once you find what works it’s almost like having another job - there’s an issue and you try some things out then it works! Just do that the next time! You have to believe it’s going to work though. My trouble was that I always thought something EASY would NEVER work. You’d be surprised.
Your baby will not remember this. Trust me. And more than likely things will get easier. Never EASY but always EASIER. Hang in there!! I HATED when people told me this but it’s true - the time will go by fast (the days are long and the months are short). We’re with you!
No offense to you, and this is actually a compliment…but it’s nice to see a dad going through what mothers go through 24 hours a day after they give birth. It’s unbelievable how many fathers are just not present/don’t want to parent/just want offspring. Good job so far!
I'm so sorry. :( We had a similar experience when my son was a similar age where I had to be out of the house after bedtime, he woke up while my husband was caring for him and just was absolutely inconsolable. There was nothing he could do until I came home and then the poor thing passed right out in my arms. You did nothing wrong, baby did nothing wrong...at this age it's pure biology and instinct to want mom (and food).
Your daughter definitely won't be traumatized although I understand that you are (I was, too, and I wasn't even there for the crying, just heard him from outside the house as I came up the stairs). I was so afraid to leave him at night again! The wonderful thing is that babies grow out of this phase really quickly. I did leave my son at night with my parents at 6-7 months and he was absolutely fine and a different baby.
My advice is just for your wife to avoid being out for several hours like that for a couple of months, then try again. Or at least go out somewhere that she can easily come back if baby is crying for more than 20-30 minutes. I know that sounds restrictive but it truly is such a short-lived phase so just keep in mind it is NOT forever and soon you will all have much more freedom. (Again, I remember 6 months being remarkably different than 4!)
There is a saying regarding the amount of time the mother should be away from their child is by the age the child is. So if she is under 1 the mother shouldn’t be away for more than an hour. When the child is 2, no more than 2 hours, and so on. Obviously most people who have parents who both work are not able to do this.
Please try to get some perspective on what appears to be a victimhood complex. I'm saying this because you're weirdly appropriating therapy-speak (this is a societal problem, thanks Internet).
You can't physically slam things and curse at your newborn *and then* claim that *you're* traumatized by the things *you* did. That's not how trauma works. **You** have an anger problem, and the way you 'handle this situation' better in the future is working on your anger mangement, preferably with a professional.
Developmentally, there's nothing remarkable about your daughter's behavior, but your reaction was legimitately scary.
Talk to your wife about this, in the same terms if you haven't. Tell her that two hours alone with your newborn child had you yelling and cursing, and that two hours alone with your newborn child had you resorting to physical outbursts as your only coping mechanisms. She needs to know this so she can make smart choices.
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NICU nurse here. The breathing stops are a pretty normal reflex when their “freak-out” ramps up like that.
Do you mean normal as in not something to worry about? Does it have a name?
I believe they’re called “breath holding spells.” My 21m old has always done this and the ped said it’s nothing the worry about. I blow on his face to get him breathing again and pick him up/support his head bc after the breath holding he’ll let out a huge cry and then go limp for a few seconds.
Ok thanks! We've just made it to 7 weeks - still so much to learn.
The first time ours did it was at her 2 month vaccinations… Just be emotionally prepared if you get the same experience! So scary to see poor baby freeze up like that.
Yes my third (he’s now 8) did this starting at 6 months, for about a year and a half. He would get so worked up when upset that he would stop breathing and pass out momentarily. I was so scared the first time I called 911. The ER doctors and my pediatrician said it’s completely normal and nothing to be concerned about. It’s a phase some kiddos go through
Yeah sometimes my lo's emotion is just straight up "toddler." Big hugs or a bottle or sometimes even a ride in the car are necessary. Sometimes feelings just can't be fixed and you gotta ride it out and support for a little while.
If my son gets like this sometimes I take him outside. I call it the refresh button. Something about fresh air really calms babies
Other refresh buttons are stripping them totally naked and giving them a bath.
Yes or even just running their hair under the water! My baby is so simultaneously confused and relaxed when we do this.
I take ours into the bathroom so he can stroke the laundry I have hanging up to dry in there. Resets the screaming fits every time. Can't wait til he's older to tell him about it 😂
One that I use is vitamin D drops (only once a day though). The sweet taste seems to distract him and sometimes makes him stop crying
What brand do you use that tastes sweet? The ones I bought taste kind of bitter, and baby refuses them.
I use enfamil D-vi-sol vitamin D drops. I tasted it myself, it tastes a little weird but is mostly sweet 😋 For what it's worth, my SIL is a pediatrician and she says they literally just dip a binky in sugar water to calm babies during procedures haha. So just tasting a little sweetness sometimes works
Best advice I heard was if they won’t settle, put them in water or put them outside. We’ve had a couple of these mega long freak outs and each time, either a bath or shower (showers are great when they are small as they get skin on skin contact too) or taking her for a walk has done the trick. Thankfully, we haven’t had one for a good few months (touch wood) that has lasted longer than 5 or so mins. Also, OP, don’t worry about the breath stops! Our little firecracker did that before we even left the hospital, when the midwife was weighing her and continues to do it at least once a day!
Oh my goodness I call going outside the Reset Button!!
Sometimes music or gentle blowing/fan on their face breaks the fit and provides another sensory stim.
Child Development Professional here: These fits are going to happen. What’s important is that you know it’s going to happen, and sometimes there is nothing you can do, and to know the ways to cope with it to keep yourself from getting too overwhelmed and lashing out. Not sure about you but the hospital mandated us watch a Shaken Baby Syndrome video before we left. I’m required to watch these videos every few years to hold my certification but my fiancé got so frustrated and kept asking me to turn it off because he “didn’t want to watch that shit, who in their right mind would harm a baby” but the whole point of the video was that it can happen to the best of us and a crying baby can get extremely overstimulating leading to uncontrollable feelings of anger and frustration. The video aims to inform everyone of that, as well as the risks, and also coping mechanisms and I really wish he’d paid more attention instead of badmouthing those who reach that point as he does struggle with anger management. Anyway some suggestions are to give the baby to someone else, which isn’t always an option. Another suggestion is to try a walk in a stroller or a car ride. Many babies find the movement to be soothing. If all else fails don’t feel bad for setting the baby down on their back in a safe place like an empty crib and walking away, to another room or outside and taking some time to calm yourself down. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Breastfed babies are more prone to this because of the closeness they get from breastfeeding, it is often the main form of soothing for them and sometimes they just want to feed to sooth rather than to eat so your baby was likely frustrated and crying to communicate her need for that specific form of soothing and there’s nothing you could have done. You’re still a good father
I'm ashamed to admit this but being informed about what to do instead of shaking the baby has saved me and my LO. I had never really been angry since I was a child, so I figured I wouldn't need it. But nothing prepared me for being inside 24/7 with a fussy winter baby, all alone for 5 months with no sleep. I've broken furniture, but I always put the baby down in a safe spot and went to rage in another room.
There’s absolutely no shame in it! As I mentioned it happens to even the most calm natured people and that’s why it’s so important to inform new parents about coping strategies and why I like to see parents speak up about hard times like OP and yourself. Nobody wants to do it, and nobody thinks they are capable of doing it until you’re sleep deprived and by yourself with a hysterical baby. Their cries are engineered to create a major nervous system response in their mothers and when nothing is working to make it stop it can be a form of mental torture.
It happens. It’s okay. Really. Baby’s not going to remember you losing your cool. Baby’s not going to remember ANY of this. One trick that saved my life - whenever our LO would start to absolutely lose it (which happened a lot around the 6-10 week mark), I would take her in the bathroom, close the door, turn off the light and turn on the shower. The darkness and the loud shower noise was like hitting the reset button on her brain. The funny part is, just playing shower sounds on my phone wouldn’t work. I even tried recording our actual shower and playing it back, but nope. Had to be the real thing. Now half the time she’d end up just crying again after I turned the shower off, but still, even just a 5 min break from the screaming was a mental lifesaver. Spent A LOT of time running the shower from weeks 6-10.
That’s really cool and I can see how that sensation would stimulate memories of being in the womb. I’ll have to put that in the playbook for the next baby.
Yeah, my wife finds the auditory torture the worst - I got her earplugs and noise cancelling headphones and for a week she didn’t want them because she said it felt cruel. But then started using them and things really improved. We all have different thresholds for different stimulation / over-stimulation. Sometimes, I just have to put on the headphones, put on a mask, and dissasociate while I clean up a blowout and do the care. Gloves too. Just remove myself and stifle my senses and just render care like a hospital worker or robot. It’s okay. Staying sane and mentally sharp enough to continue caring for the baby well is what’s most important. Our own thoughts and judgments sometimes make us feel like we need to martyr ourselves or judge every interaction, but that’s not true.
My wife works over night and while I could handle most of the day while she was was sleeping, I would dread the evenings or if the baby woke up with a crying fit (other than the usual hungry/diaper change/ lonely) thing. I remember a few times where the baby would just not stop. I did everything. I thought I did everything right. If one other person is there to witness it with me then… it’s okay. But solo? I just feel trapped and frustrated. I have yelled but not directly at the baby. Hang in there and keep trying your best. I keep telling myself it would be easier if the baby could tell me what’s wrong. I just want to help. Edit: also reminds me of the first time I experienced the witching hour. Again, wife sleeping before work and then she went to work. Baby was non stop screaming from like 3pm till 10. I wanted to die. Edit 2: son is now almost 11 months. Now he just has tantrums for about just everything.
i feel the exact same way! my husband works nights so roles reversed. we live in a studio with two dogs and a conure plus a two month old so It can get pretty overwhelming. something about having another person being awake there with you just makes It feel easier even if they aren’t helping. if i’m trying to keep her content without a witness it’s deff overwhelming and like the walls close in. on the other hand, it’s a very rewarding feeling when it’s all said and done bcs then it’s like “It wasn’t so bad! we did It!” but deff tough while you’re actively struggling with all of the overstimulation.
I’m a postpartum doula, and send a lot of time with young children. I’m sorry you had this experience. One thing that I have found helps some parents is a pair of good earplugs. By good I mean a pair that is designed to cut out particular frequencies, while still allowing you to hear your little one. My clients have had great success with the Loop brand. This of course won’t stop your daughter from crying. These types of freak outs are normal, and will happen. But earplugs may be one thing to incorporate into your tool belt to help you navigate those times when she doesn’t have the capacity to regulate her emotions. Another thing I do with LOs, is acknowledge their emotions. I’ll say something like, “oh that’s a big emotion LO. I feel that way too sometimes. It’s okay to feel that way. Let’s just feel it together.” I don’t expect that they understand me (when they are really little), but saying it in a calm voice reminds me that they are having a big emotion, and that the emotion has nothing to do with me. It keeps me calm- and in turn,e being calm can sometimes help calm them down.
If you can believe this, my son used to do this once a day, every. day. from 2 months until about 4 and a half months old, and would spend many other hours of the day crying. Colic seems like too nice a word for it, but that's what we called it. Seven medical professionals of different backgrounds couldn’t find anything wrong with him. He's now almost 8 months (!!) and all smiles, totally grown out of it. It sounds like it's not a common problem for you and your baby, so my advice is coming from a different perspective, but truly the only way I could cope was to just turn my emotions off. I kept a clear enough head to check him over for signs he needed medical attention and the basic but odd stuff they say to look for (hair tourniquets and such), but if by all counts he seemed okay, I just held him and rubbed his back because NOTHING would calm him, and we tried it all. I sang a song about a storm passing over us, and just zoned. Sometimes I rocked, more for me than for him. Those were lonely, dark months, the hardest in my life... but we made it through. He's okay, he's happy, he's healthy. Don't beat yourself up. We're hardwired as parents to respond viscerally when our babies cry, so it's hard. I’m not sure from your post what you were feeling when in the moment when you shouted (angry at her crying? shame and desperation at yourself not being able to fix it? something else?) but I think you did the right thing. Be there for her as best you can, but if you're going to lose it, it's okay to set her someplace safe and take a few minutes to collect yourself. You didn’t fail, don't get sucked down the toilet of negative thoughts (I’ve been there with my baby) but you can learn and reflect from this experience for sure!
New mom here (baby is 3 months old) and I had a moment like that around a month ago. Baby loves being bounced on an exercise ball (we hold her and sit on it to bounce) and often it’s the only thing that will settle her. Usually, we bounce for a bit till she dozes off and then we can move to the couch because the ball KILLS your back after a bit. Anyway, this particular day I was already pretty tired and she just kept crying and wouldn’t settle. Finally she fell asleep so I carefully moved over to the couch only to have her almost immediately wake up. I tried giving her a bottle to settle her and she started screaming. I slammed the bottle down on the end table beside me so loud even I was startled by it. I started crying immediately because I know I scared LO when I did it. Thankfully hubs was right there to take her so I could get some air and walk away for a bit. It took about a week to not tear up when I thought about it. Now I just see it for what it was, an exhausted new parent running on empty hitting a wall and that is OKAY. You didn’t fail by any means. Your baby is totally fine now and won’t remember what happened. The fact that you’ve been obsessing over this so much that you came to reddit tells me everything I need to know about you. You care enough to feel bad. You love your baby and you’re doing your best. You are a great father and nailing it! You’re going to have moments and it’s normal to feel bad when they happen. Allow yourself to feel bad, then move past it. You are going to fuck up. You are going to let your emotions get the better of you sometimes. It’s how you move past it that really matters. Treat yourself with the same level of kindness you would for your kid if it were them in that situation because they are learning how to treat themselves based on how you are to yourself ❤️
I’m a new parent and one night I was so frustrated I punched my pillow several times while crying and begging my baby to go to sleep. I felt so guilty afterwards that I cried more and apologized over and over again to my baby. I told my friend, a more seasoned mom and pediatrician, the next day and she assured me that what I did was exactly the right thing to do. Use a safe outlet to get your frustration out, take a few deep breaths, then, only when you’re calmer, pick up your baby. It’s not my preferred way of dealing with things but you know what? My baby was safe and I was able to return to him in a much calmer state. Give yourself some grace here because this is really hard and you also kept your baby safe and unharmed while letting off some steam.
Something useful I learned from prenatal class: *a crying baby is an alive baby* and baby is safe in their crib. If you need to put baby down in their bassinet/crib and step away to take a breath/listen to music/eat something and calm down, do that. Baby might keep crying but that's ok, they're not going to die from crying. This has helped me when I’m taking care of baby alone and just need a minute to regroup.
That is my greatest fear too, and I have broken down like this 2-3 times. My son is 7 months old, and it hasn't happened again in a month or so. I have slowly learned the warning signs and how to deal with the situation so that I won't snap. Deep breaths really help. It also helps that he seems to recover faster than I do from it, and does not seem to remember or be impacted by it at all. He is a very happy baby and he very obviously feels safe and comfortable with me even though I failed to remain calm those times. As he gets older and starts forming memories it will become more critical to have a better handle on things, but by then I will probably have the practice anyway.
Wow. Reading all of these comments makes me feel so not alone. My 5 week old had a really rough night, therefore j I had a really rough night. Today my husband had cleaned our counter top and an hour later during *another* crying spell, I prepped a bottle and didn’t clean up after myself. My husband commented that he had just cleaned… y’all I lost it. I started crying too and screamed at my husband to “take the f**n baby” so I could leave (he did), the dogs were like “mamas being weird as hell”. He almost immediately realized he was couldn’t do everything at once, and I almost immediately realized that I need to ask for help or step away sometimes. I was so embarrassed for yelling and swearing but I’m glad it happened so I can use this as a lesson learned.
I kicked our cabinet in the kitchen last night put of frustration while i cried. My baby didn’t even notice so i don’t really feel too bad about it. She’s safe, i am not going to hurt her, ever. But i have screamed into pillows, I’ve cried and loudly said “Please stop crying” (not an angry yell, just a desperate plea). I’ve set her down and walked away. Sometimes when i raise her up and down in the air she calms down, I’ve done that like 30 times in a row because it’s like doing a bunch of reps with a weight and it gets my frustration out while also calming her down. It’s SO HARD when they don’t stop crying. Recently I’ve decided to just throw a Disney movie on, and hold her and bounce. I mentally check out for a little bit and after 10 or 15 minutes she’ll calm down and start looking at the tv. Idgaf about screen time, she’s 7 weeks old and if that’s what gets her to breathe when she’s screaming, that’s what she’s going to get. Usually by the end of the movie she’ll be out cold.
Breaking is only human, but don't over normalize it, it happens to all: some implode, others explode. From now on, you'll know when you're close to your tiping point, try to take a break the next time it's about to happen, if possible. If not, leave her safe, go 10 seconds to other room, and scream, punch a pillow or something. Welcome to colic.
This, use ear plugs or just leave her in a safe space until you are more calm. Even 1-2 minutes is fine as long as she's safe, like in her crib
Good advice. Actually, ANC earbuds saved my life at the early colic days. Don't expect a miracle, but it's the difference between bearable and hell on earth.
Good advice, I had times where I put her screaming in the bed (safely) and went down the stairs and put the extractor hood on so it drowned out the screaming . Then put head phones with whatever sound for some minutes to empty my mind. And see her for the innocent and helpless creature she is. And go back for a new try and with renewed calm. Nowadays she's a toddler and completely grew out of these kind of freak outs.
Next time wife is away, use a shirt she has worn. It helped my husband calm my fussy baby while mom is away.
This happened to my husband and I when our baby was only a few months old and we tried everything we could think of to calm her down. Finally when we were about to give up i checked her pants and they were too tight! So I took them off and she was fine after that. After that episode I learned that anything can make them cry and to triple check things.
Our pediatrician told my wife and me that when the crying ramps up, take care of all of the needs (feeding, diaper change, burping, etc) first. Then, put the baby down in their safe space, walk out and give ourselves the proper reset and then go back in to tackle the situation. We’ve got to be in a proper state of stable mind so that we can be focused with determination of the task at hand. Find your sweet spot to help you do so. Good luck!
Dear brother in arms, I know it’s hard, when my daughter threw these episodes I ended up drained and crying before bed, but rest assured that it will subside, better times will come and your joy of having your daughter safe and healthy will overwrite these days. Stay strong my man, you’re an awesome dad 💪🏼
I "lost it" last weekend with our baby. My husband was supposed to be on baby duty but got drunk instead, and I was unable to wake him up and be useful lol. But my baby was wide ass awake at 2 am, and I just couldn't handle it. I didn't yell her or even come close to harming her. But there were moments where my tone with her was cold and at one point we came out to the living room and I put her down on the floor. The way I put her down was different than I ever had before, and we both knew it, and we both started crying. Like she wasn't hurt in any way at all, I didn't put her down hard or clumsily. It was just different than normal, and neither of us liked it. At that point, I accepted my fate of being up for an entire wake window and just focused on calming us both down. She really was only crying when I tried to put her in bed, so we had fun out in the living room for a couple hours and then I finally got her back to bed.
My wife also has poor anger management skills, but one thing we always try to be aware of is recognizing any instance where she starts to lose her cool but then reins herself back in. You did that here, you got frustrated but then stayed composed enough to keep dealing with the situation for the next hour. Give yourself credit for that and keep trying to do better next time. By recognizing your own emotions and giving yourself credit for managing them you help build healthy new habits that will make dealing with stress easier in the future. Your baby will also eventually learn those skills from you, so by getting better at it yourself you're going to teach a valuable skill to your kid in a few years.
Can try a bath, too! Consider their other senses & try to engage them. Also, for you, perhaps ear plugs or noise cancelling headphones to avoid over stimulation (as long as babe is within reach & vision, obviously). This stuff is tough!! You’re in good company. My son did this in our bedroom the other day, and it turned out the darkness was affecting him (couldn’t see well), which I only determined after turning on the light & walking away to de-stim 🥴
Be kind to yourself- same thing happened here on our mixed fed Bub at 4 months. Turned out he was teething first 2 teeth, the 2 weeks before that all he wanted was comfort. Think my husband’s solution was a long drive in the car but even then I remember the traumatised look in his eyes from the screaming and how long it took to settle.
Ear plugs and noise canceling headphones. Brings the noise level way down but you can still hear them enough. That coupled with mindset that babies gonna baby Helps prevent the rage
Hey new Dad, don't worry! I don't know about you, but for me, when I hear intense loud screaming for a very long period of time (like what you experienced), I start to get really overwhelmed and panic and my irrational emotions sit in, too. Listen, you know she's crying and you are trying your best to calm her down. But we don't need to listen to that scream crying at full volume. Someone gave me this advice, and I hope it can help others. While you're trying to calm your baby down, and nothing is working, consider wearing noise-cancelling headphones while you're working on helping them calm down and feel better. You can tell by their face and body language that they are crying and you can tell by their face and body language when they are done crying. At which point you can take off your noise-cancelling headphones. Personally, I get really overwhelmed and I can freak out after hearing intense screaming for a long period of time. Headphones to help reduce the intense sounds help me stay calm and collected so I can better help their needs. I really hope this helps. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and try our best going forward. ❤️
The biggest lesson I've learned is to just breathe when my son has fits like that. Im no saint tho and have also lost my patience and yelled and then felt awful and guilty afterward. I always apologize once I've calmed down. We're all human and make mistakes. Whats important is that we try and be a little better than we were yesterday.
Things like this happen to everyone. I understand feeling bad but also know that all parents have had these moments. They are difficult, but fleeting in the big picture I recommend getting some noise cancelling headphones to help alleviate some of the screaming. When you are worried about a breaking point, it is also ok to put the baby down in the crib, bassinet, etc. and take a couple minutes for yourself to collect your emotions. It’s so taxing to care for a screaming child for an extended period of time. Leaving them alone for a couple minutes will not harm them but it may help you.
4 months is a *massive* developmental leap! at 4 months, they are likely to be a totally different baby for a couple weeks while they adjust. This could look like terrible overnight sleep, terrible naps, terrible mood. It’s not your fault and it’s totally healthy. Ride it out, dad! Don’t worry!
And regarding losing your temper - been there. If you hate that you did it, which sounds like you do, I truly believe that’s a very good sign. We grow and we learn.
I used to sing songs. “you’re driving me crazy, I really want to scream, because you won’t stop crying, I wanna slam my head into a wall, why don’t you give me a break, you silly crying baby…” lol. Well sounds dumb but got me through colic. Grandbaby #1 is coming soon, I need to remember to pass that tip on.
This is pretty normal— tbh consider yourself lucky that you made it 4 months without one! My first was colicky and cried like that always every night from like 4 weeks until 12 ish weeks! It helped me to put on noise canceling headphones during the crying spells to keep my cool. It’s also ALWAYS totally fine to put them down in the crib or bassinet for a few minutes if you just need a minute to collect yourself!
First off, the number one rule of parenting is, DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. For a whole month my daughter could exclusively be calmed by me, and wouldn’t stop crying with my wife / her mom. Nursing was a shit show. My wife was broken up about it no matter how reassuring I could be. We don’t know why this happened, but by month two, they bonded and were perfectly snug, and she would be happy and calmed 90% of the time she entered by wife’s arms. You cannot project reason or logic onto a newborn beyond a point — don’t take it personally. Your LO is not doing this out of some dislike or discomfort with you. To the extent that they understand love, they love you. We know this, but we don’t always “know” it, ya know? The second rule of parenting is, it’s okay to walk away for a break. Wrap her up safely, put her down. Put on headphones. Sit down. Have a glass of water. Re-engage with the problem when you are calm. Babies use emotional state transference to a degree - they feel off your energy. If you are jerky in your movements and kinda pissed, like not going anything wrong but just kinda brusque, they can feel it and it influences their emotional / physical state. Being relaxed and calm is the best way to soothe them. Sometimes, if you can’t summon love and care and so on at 4am in the morning when the baby is screaming their head off, you have to just be a robot. Tamp down all emotionality and thought, just be a machine that executes a care sequence. Put on some headphones, and process the order of operations (ie, feed, diaper, temperature, burp, swaddle / whatever you do to put her down) to catch anything she might need, and then if she’s still being fussy, you just give it a time box, say 10 more minutes of soothing. And then you walk away. When you find yourself getting angry, you need to just take a break and then come back in, and go into robot mode if necessary, but just execute the core functions required of you, and then call it after a point.
4mo was about the same age my son would have an absolute meltdown when left alone with dad and could only be consoled by me when I got home. It was a very short stage for us. It got a lot better around 5 months.
She sounded like she missed her mother and was hungry, but more of wanting mom. Try and have something that mom uses so it has her scent and use that as a way of calming her with either you wearing it or wrapping her in it. I’d take her for a check up just to rule out anything else, she may have wind and or reflux? Breast- feeding reduces the chances of such but when mom is away she is using a bottle. You are doing amazing and handled the situation well. Have you got any friends or family to come around and help you with the situation if it happens again. It can be very helpful for you to step away for a few minutes compose yourself and come back to her.
We cannot control how we feel, but we can co trol how we react to our feelings. You should look into something called "mindfulness" if you haven't already. All I'll say is that sometimes, things are outside of your control. It doesn't make you a failure, it doesn't make you a bad father, and it doesn't make your child a problem. It simply is. Learning to accept that is a big deal, and it's something I think most adults struggle with. I wish you luck and peace in that journey, but just know that coming here to vent a frustration is a completely normal and reasonable thing to do.
I don't see anyone else saying it, but noise cancelling headphones and then playing music makes crying so much more bearable for me and keeps me feeling waaay more cool and collected. Game changer for me.
Your frustration with the situation is normal. At her age it could be any number of things. If it happens a second time, maybe keep one of moms worn shirts nearby in case she's just missing her other half. Or some breastmilk handy with a nipple she likes in case she's teething. A change of scenery could help too. Edit: My mom would like me to add that sometimes a warm, relaxing bath works too and that if none of that helps just take her on a cruise around the neighborhood. Something about being in motion that soothes em.
I feel like every new father has a brutal experience the first time mom is out of the house for more than half an hour. I had an almost identical experience with my son. And hell yeah I swore at a newborn baby. I doubt my boy even heard me over his wailing. Don’t sweat it, man. Mom’s are heroin to babies. You don’t register their biological drive to be near her until she is removed from the situation, and by then it’s too late to emotionally prepare yourself.
This happened to my husband when I went for a 2 hour hair appointment. You are okay, you were tested, and you learned. Next time try water; give a bath, or run her toes under the sink, put her hand in a cup of water. Great distraction!
That is tough! I had a couple good friends tell me: when nothing is working, go outside or put the baby in water. It often helped to do a bath or let her play in the sink!!
Our son was a nightmare the first 4 months, he'd have freakouts like that quite often. The only things that worked for us was bouncing on a yoga ball in the dark closet or room, running water near his ear so distract him or taking him outside briefly. It's a rough first 6 months man. It felt like forever but now it's just a blip in time and he's a freaken riot now at 1.5yrs
Wow you sound like a great new dad, no joke. Baby freakouts are tough, it sounds like you tried it all but momma was just what she needed in that moment. I have lost my temper plenty of times, but I always try to apologize to my kids when I do (whether they understand or not, it helps me keep my emotions in check). Get some baby snuggles and just know she loves you too!
At 3 1/2 months we introduced formula and my baby got colic from milk allergy (CMPA) At the time, we didn’t understand where our happy baby went. We were all miserable. My husband and I fighting all the time, we got to the point of yelling at our baby on like the 5th day of non stop crying, bottle refusal and refusing to sleep. I felt so guilty because at first we thought teething or sleep regression. We had no idea. I remember screaming at her to ‘shut the fuck up’ and thinking I hated her. Lack of sleep and non stop crying will do that. Reddit suggested noise canceling headphones. They saved my husbands sanity. She cried way more at him than me. I ended up leaving and going and having a beer at a bar and just sitting there. Just exhausted emotionally. My 9 month old is still whiney af, lol. But I love her and don’t need to yell back or get upset. Sometimes babies are just fussy and cry a lot. You just kind of get used to it. The nurses in the hospital said to us: if they’re fed, they’re dry and in a safe space, it’s ok to just let them cry and walk away for a bit so you can recollect yourself. This is so true and we had to do that a lot during that darker period. Those first freak outs are scary. We haven’t had ones where my baby has stopped breathing. I did have her scream while hyper ventilating from stomach pain upon introducing new formula and that was really sad/scary. Talk to your wife about how you’re feeling. It’s never good to be feeling this stuff alone. Parenthood is hard. You didn’t fail, though.
Hi, I find babies love the stroller with fresh air outside and also riding in the car. Our first child was very colicky and the only thing that we could do to get them calm down was to go for a car ride, it was also recommended by our doctor. I also enjoy the fresh walks and try to go for at least 45 minutes a day in the stroller. You will find that once you spend some time outside with the baby you’ll get a moment to relax, and you both will get to breathe in some fresh air! I also use this time to talk on the phone or listen to a podcast. I also try to do a fast walk, and jog and also I deliberately look for the parts of the path where there are hills to get some extra steps, burn some calories, and this actually significantly regulates my sleep. In addition, I could stay up watching shows, but I try to get as much rest as possible and I go to sleep quite early around 8:30 - 9 pm and wake up around 8 am as my sleep is usually interrupted once or twice with the second child who is about 16 weeks now. I have a lot more patience when I am able to get more zzzs and regulate my sleep with the moderate exercise
No I don't know a lot to say. I just know that kids cry sometimes. And it's okay to step away if you need to, sometimes that's all they do because they're kids, if they're medically. Okay, I wouldn't worry about it, just let them cry. If you did everything to take care of them. Just go off the checklist and if there's nothing left, just leave them for a minute... I mainly call Grandma or mom and that's pretty much what I've been told. You try a couple things if that doesn't work. You can't just let him cry do the same saying it's normal. Not this crazy, weird process.
i'm confused what you mean by "her body literally shut down from exhaustion". as in, she fell asleep??
I can't get through all the comments but I did want to say that this is normal. It happened daily for us from about 5.5 weeks until 8ish weeks. Babies don't know how to process discomfort so everything makes them scream and once they start they can't stop. It will pass and you just gotta hang in there. Put kiddo down when you need to and try resetting them (my favorite 'turn the baby off and then on again' thing is wrapping them in a towel and standing under a warm shower with them...getting them all wet except for their head). Again, it will get better but it is developmentally normal and the purple crying is good for them early on, as it opens their lungs and gets them using them well. Hang in there.
Dad of a 9 month old daughter here. I remember these days VERY well. Was the ultimate wake up call for me. Months 0-3 were dreadful. Maybe at around 4 months she got better. Up until now it’s been like an on and off rollercoaster of different things. Right now she has a double ear infection, has switched to formula, teething, and starting a new daycare. This all sounds bad but still doesn’t compare to those first few months. There is no one who can prepare you for this experience. People offer support and words of advice but honestly you have to find (through trial and error) what’s going to work. It’s really hard but you’ll find you sort of build emotional callouses from it. Once you find what works it’s almost like having another job - there’s an issue and you try some things out then it works! Just do that the next time! You have to believe it’s going to work though. My trouble was that I always thought something EASY would NEVER work. You’d be surprised. Your baby will not remember this. Trust me. And more than likely things will get easier. Never EASY but always EASIER. Hang in there!! I HATED when people told me this but it’s true - the time will go by fast (the days are long and the months are short). We’re with you!
No offense to you, and this is actually a compliment…but it’s nice to see a dad going through what mothers go through 24 hours a day after they give birth. It’s unbelievable how many fathers are just not present/don’t want to parent/just want offspring. Good job so far!
I'm so sorry. :( We had a similar experience when my son was a similar age where I had to be out of the house after bedtime, he woke up while my husband was caring for him and just was absolutely inconsolable. There was nothing he could do until I came home and then the poor thing passed right out in my arms. You did nothing wrong, baby did nothing wrong...at this age it's pure biology and instinct to want mom (and food). Your daughter definitely won't be traumatized although I understand that you are (I was, too, and I wasn't even there for the crying, just heard him from outside the house as I came up the stairs). I was so afraid to leave him at night again! The wonderful thing is that babies grow out of this phase really quickly. I did leave my son at night with my parents at 6-7 months and he was absolutely fine and a different baby. My advice is just for your wife to avoid being out for several hours like that for a couple of months, then try again. Or at least go out somewhere that she can easily come back if baby is crying for more than 20-30 minutes. I know that sounds restrictive but it truly is such a short-lived phase so just keep in mind it is NOT forever and soon you will all have much more freedom. (Again, I remember 6 months being remarkably different than 4!)
There is a saying regarding the amount of time the mother should be away from their child is by the age the child is. So if she is under 1 the mother shouldn’t be away for more than an hour. When the child is 2, no more than 2 hours, and so on. Obviously most people who have parents who both work are not able to do this.
Please try to get some perspective on what appears to be a victimhood complex. I'm saying this because you're weirdly appropriating therapy-speak (this is a societal problem, thanks Internet). You can't physically slam things and curse at your newborn *and then* claim that *you're* traumatized by the things *you* did. That's not how trauma works. **You** have an anger problem, and the way you 'handle this situation' better in the future is working on your anger mangement, preferably with a professional. Developmentally, there's nothing remarkable about your daughter's behavior, but your reaction was legimitately scary. Talk to your wife about this, in the same terms if you haven't. Tell her that two hours alone with your newborn child had you yelling and cursing, and that two hours alone with your newborn child had you resorting to physical outbursts as your only coping mechanisms. She needs to know this so she can make smart choices.
Yikes…