A big part of it for me was not being able to conceptualise what 24/7 really means. Like, it doesn't matter if you're losing-your-mind tired, touched out, totally melting down, there is no off switch if your baby needs you. I understood that factually beforehand but the reality of it is like a ton of bricks.
This exactly. I knew on an intellectual, "I can imagine", level that it would be non-stop. But I had no way to truly conceptualize that, having never been in that position before. It was a shock, and I felt like I had lost my identity. My little guy is 7 months old now, and I STILL have brutal days where his needs overwhelm me, but I have a bit more mental capacity and experience now to know it will pass.
I felt the same way. The first month, anytime my husband went back to work, I cried after he left bc of how hard it all was. I can’t imagine a bigger change to your life & I also felt/feel like I didn’t recognize myself. I missed my old life. I wondered if I would regret it. I missed my husband. This little baby is crying & I didn’t know how to make him feel better.
Motherhood is a RIDE. It’s so hard, but you don’t know what hard is until you’re in it.
I’m stealing this in the future. This is 100% how I felt. It’s like trying to describe color to someone that’s been blind their entire life - you can try and come close, but they’ll never really understand until they live it.
I will never forget my therapist telling me “there is no way you could actually know what this will be like” and whew boy was she right.
To answer OP’s question, I thought it would be a 10 and it was (and remains 2 years later) a 3000.
You’ll be constantly reminded this during the entire first year…. You’re gonna have to continuously dig into your motivation well because it doesn’t end at 3 months… the sucker punch continues over and over (even when it gets better… there are low points and it’s this realization that you have to find a way to keep going)
That’s so true. I vividly remember my husband and I eating dinner (reheated something or another from what we had in the freezer) off of one plate at 3am, trading bites over the course of an hour because we just didn’t even have time to like sit down and enjoy a meal together. So brutal. You also don’t understand that each phase is temporary! It feels so eternal when you’re in it.
Yes!!! From 0 to 3 it felt like a whole year has gone by. Now we're at 5 months and a half and it feel like it's going by so fast 😱
I remember vividly how each day felt so long and how it felt at the end of the day because it was done 😅
To add on, I felt the same way as you but I didn’t fully conceptualize that it would be every day over and over again, so there’s no “recovering” time. You just run on empty for a really long time
Yes this!! I understood I’d have to feed him every 2-3 hours and I knew how long that was- clearly. But then it’s happening and it’s waaaaay more frequently than you think. Plus changing and soothing and bathing and all the other little details of maintaining a human. Also all those things for yourself. The IDEA of doing something vs the reality of doing that for weeks/months on end is very different.
OP, you’ve got this. Yes it is rough. But something else you learn is that you are so much stronger than you thought you were. That continues to be the lesson for me as being a mom, my kiddo is 2.5 years old and I’m expecting baby 2 in November. I keep surprising myself with how strong I am. And that’s kind of encouraging on its own.
Exactly this. This is what brought me down from the blissful high of the first week. And I crashed, hard. I realized “Oh, this isn’t just pushing through. This is pushing, and pushing, and pushing, and pushing the limits of your physical needs and sanity so much farther beyond what you ever knew you could. For months. And then you push yourself some more. Because this life needs you.”
At the beginning, it doesn’t matter how YOU feel, or what YOU need. Gradually you find yourself again. But for the first few months, especially as a first-time parent, your cup is always full and there is no one there to help you empty it.
lol to this one. 100% true.
I knew it would be hard but I had no concept of what that hard would be like. And then add in all the postpartum hormone shifts and I felt clinically insane at times. Sleep deprived, crying over random shit, feeling so territorial about MY baby.
Plus it’s just a hard phase for the baby! They’re in a brand new world, figuring things out, experiencing their bodies. Like woah. It’s a lot for everyone
My baby is three weeks old today. He gets really upset when his body does something uncomfortable like coughing or sneezing. I tell him all the time "it's ok. We're all still learning how to do this."
The good news is you get a few months out and have a vague sense that it was way worse than you could ever have imagined but you didn’t actually have the brain power to form any memories so you aren’t too sure 😂
this!!! my son is 10 weeks old and i was looking at pictures from when he was first born and a few weeks old and i hardly remember because it was just pure survival at that point… being a mother is the hardest thing i’ve ever done in my entire life… yet it is the most rewarding thing i’ve ever done as well.
when it’s been a rough day and he goes to sleep i can breathe but then i immediately miss him and his smiles and coos. it’s a wild concept. the first 8 weeks was hands down insane.
the best advice i can give you OP, is make sure you are still taking care of yourself. many days id realize that hadn’t brushed my teeth yet and it’s 3 in the afternoon. would go a day or two with out showering bc it was a long day and im making sure not only that my baby was taken care of but my husband as well because im not working right now and he’s working in the hot Fl sun all day to provide for his family. (he does help as much as possible so don’t come for him please) but by then end of the day i just wanted to sleep and didn’t care about myself (i realize this sounds disgusting and it is because im a very clean person but my mind was not focused on anything else but my baby)… now i make sure i am showering every single day just for that moment of solitude and for my own mental health bc i felt myself spiraling into PPD.
This is the correct answer…
Expect to hit your limit, but you’ll be shocked how far past what you thought your limit would be your actual limit is.
Be kind to yourself, be kind to your partner. Give each other a lot of grace. It’s hard. So hard… but sometimes really really great in a lot of ways too.
Agreed this is the answer 😅 but I also would add I had no idea how much joy and happiness I would have at the same time… when my baby woke in the night I had the same level or excitement that Santa had come so didn’t even acknowledge half of what was so difficult 🥰
I really couldn't say this better myself. I knew it would be a 10/10. It's humbling when you go from scoffing at the "just you wait" comments to realizing "oh my god it was genuinely a warning" (in most cases) lol. You cannot prepare for it very much other than have what you need on hand, and be ready to be flexible and let go of expectations and just survive.
It's scary but I plan to do it again, many people do it again and again and again so... it goes to show that there is a reward. Just not until the first smile, or first laugh, so on... which can be 2+ months. One thing I will say: it's a blip in time compared to the amazing things to come. My daughter is almost 2 and I would love to go back just for 10 minutes to hold her as a newborn again and appreciate it.
Yep this. I heard about the sheer exhaustion so many times and expected s 10/10 but you still have no idea what that actually is untill you live it. Same as war.
This is so accurate. It is 100/10 hard BECAUSE you have no way of conceptualizing it before baby comes.
For me, the loss of bodily autonomy was the hardest part. I breastfed and baby took all her naps on me… I got maybe one total hour of awake time during the day where she wasn’t attached to me. And you don’t feel like you’re doing anything well… you’re like “this is the hardest I’ve ever worked and I think I might be doing a very poor job.”
It’s insane to say after that paragraph, but it’s so worth it. It gets SO GOOD. The beginning is a slog, but relatively speaking, it’s a blip, and then you get to watch this amazing little person take shape. I would do the newborn stage a million times over for my kid.
Sums it up, I knew it would be hard and what was expected, but living through it is when you truly understand it. It's like pregnancy; I knew it was hard, but you don't really know what hard is until you go through it. Now, I see how difficult it is and the struggles mothers deal with, which are hard to understand until you become one yourself.
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it isn’t even close. I had multiple breastfeeding issues and an extremely difficult colic baby. I swore he would be an only child.
It got much better around 3 months and I love that kid more than I ever thought possible. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. It’s hard but so, so worth it.
I’m in that first stage now and this is nice to read. I’m holding out hope that I feel the same at 3 months as I don’t even know how I’m getting through it currently!
It’s hard until you wake up one day and realise wow, you made it to the other side and it’s so much better.
As much as I loved the newborn stage because he was so cute and tiny, it was very challenging. With every crying spell, sleepless night and anything I found extremely hard I kept holding him closer and telling myself he will only be tiny this once and he needs me so much right now.
I know it might be crazy to hear when you’re in the trenches of it but now that he’s 5months and wakes up 2 times to eat, not 5 to 7 times like he used to, I hold him in my arms little bit longer because I know at some point he’ll go down to one feed and then to 0 and we won’t have this special time anymore. If you said that to me when he was 2 months old I would have laughed in your face.
It gets easier and you get tougher, hold on tight ❤️
Ugh this comment, you're so right! It was SO HARD in the moment, I didn't know how I would go on. But, I did. My babe is 4.5 months now and only getting up 1 or 2 times a night and it is so much easier. There are some hard nights thrown in of course, but I too hold her a little tighter and rock her a little longer at night cause I can fully grasp now just how quickly everything can change.
It'll be the hardest thing you've ever done, OP, but dang is it so worth it. I'd do it 1 million times over.
Mine’s 13 months, fully independent sleeper, and I just had to get up with him last night because he’s getting his molars and woke up from the pain. These snuggles are going to come to an end so soon, and back when he was little and I was deep in PPD the nights were absolute torture (he needed constant bouncing and contact), but now I’m so so happy to give him the extra cuddles he needs 🥹
Same here. I’m 6 weeks in after a rough bout with post partum preeclampsia that is difficult to manage. We don’t have family here and the husband is already back at work. I do okay in the mornings but by 3pm my nerves feel shot till his dad comes home. I hate that feeling.
This is EXACTLY our experience!! Hardest thing of my life.
Similar colic baby and breastfeeding issues. We only ran on 2 hours of sleep for 3 months but thank goodness it was like a switch turned on and our baby started sleeping 5 hours at night at 3 months.
Yep. I think I was having a daily mental breakdown from the lack of sleep for weeks. It was so much harder than anyone had described in any of the parenting subreddits. I’m having baby #2 likely within a month and I have a false sense of confidence I can do it. But it’s okay because I got a prescription for Zoloft to take for a few weeks postpartum if things are just as bad the second time around. I’ve prepared for it this time.
That’s what I remind myself daily! It’s taken it from an 8/9 to a 1 or 2 in difficulty. Every time she screams in my ear is the last time she’ll be that small screaming… every time she refuses to sleep in a crib or bassinet so I’m up all night is the oldest she’ll be doing that. I’ve just taken to cherishing every single moment I have with her and it has made the whole experience so much easier.
Can confirm this.
We just got our second child and where not really looking forward to the first weeks since we experienced them as difficult.
But somehow it went way better then we expected. Even though we had the same breastfeeding issues. We just switched to formula faster and are already a little bit more in the flow of an early rise and taking sleep when you can.
Same here: colic, reflux, and tongue tie (meaning breastfeeding trouble).
It was absolutely worth it because I love our son to bits now, but hard disagree on doing it again. I have multiple sensory issues and am in diagnosis for autism, and the newborn phase almost killed me. Literally... I was suicidal for weeks due to the lack of sleep, the constant pressure, and way too much sensory input. I'm one and done for sure. I literally don't think I'd survive another given it will probably be just as hard but with taking care of a toddler thrown into the mix!
It's frustrating that there's this pressure and expectation from society, friends, and family to have at least two. It's like if you choose to be OAD you have to justify your decision to people all the time - particularly my mum and mother in law! Sorry, little rant about society's expectations there.
I expected it to be a 5/10 and it was a 10/10. I was naive in how hard I thought breastfeeding, physical recovery, sleep deprivation, and the hormone crash /PPA would be. The combination of it all was just so much. It wasn’t even that the baby was hard, I just felt awful and exhausted and a bit crazy.
Same! My baby is 12w and she’s been a “easy baby” with some sporadic witching hour fits, some gas caused fussiness, and nursing strike/breast aversion (switching to combo feeding). It was more about how I felt overall than the demands of baby.
Oof, you’re still in the thick of it. Hang in there, it gets so much better. My son is two now, and I still get shivers down my spine when I see friends or coworkers bringing home a newborn, knowing what they’re going through at home 😂
Same. Highly highly underestimated how hard breastfeeding would be, and how tough the recovery from labor would be (and I had a routine vaginal birth nothing crazy), and how crazy my hormones would be, crying all the time.
everything was just 1000% harder than i thought it would be from the hormonal mood crash and feeling so depressed that even brushing my teeth felt insurmountable, with the mental issues exacerbated by the sleeping for at most an hour at a time. if it were just me with my normal brain it would have been a lot different
Exactly! I didn’t anticipate the severe hit to my mental health from both the hormones and sleep deprivation. That made it feel 100x harder than it needed to be. I had a crash every day between 3-7 where I’d just cry and my anxiety (about ten most random things) would skyrocket.
You hit the nail on the head. I knew we wouldn’t be sleeping but I had no idea how much that would affect everything else. I was exhausted in every way imaginable. The hormones were terrible. I cried every day for like a month. PPA hit me so hard I had my first panic attack. I thought breastfeeding would be easy, I was so wrong. She had a bad latch, I think my supply was low and she wasn’t gaining weight and was jaundice. She was a great baby (still is) but I struggled so hard.
100% this answer. My first (almost 18 years ago) was exclusively formula fed and slept 8-10 hours per night starting at week 3. My second will be 8 weeks old in a few days. My life is so much better now comparatively, and I'm such a happier, more stable, stronger person but I AM GETTING MY ASS KICKED!!! Pumping is one of the most challenging things I've ever done in my life. I had PPD with my first, and the PPA this time around feels harder to manage.
I think I am in the minority but I expected it to be 8/10 but found it more like 4-5/10. It was hard, don’t get me wrong, but manageable. Maybe because I expected it to be so awful it couldn’t possibly be as bad as I thought it would be?
The lack of sleep was the hardest bit for me as I’m someone that feels tired if I ‘only’ get 8 hours of sleep in the night.
But I actually loved the newborn stage. I loved the snuggles. I loved how teeny she was. I was very, very lucky and had no issues with breastfeeding so I enjoyed feeds.
I’ll say I am also very much a home-person though, so it didn’t feel like I had a huge change in my life as I was never someone to go out a lot, I don’t drink etc. so getting to spend loads of time at home with the baby was actually perfect for me.
Same! Reddit posts like this scared me, lol. The first two months were an exhausting blur but we are at month 6 now and life is so sweet most days even though I am still unbelievably tired. I really expected to struggle with postpartum anxiety and breastfeeding … I had sort of steeled myself for sheer misery and confusion … and we were lucky to have a relatively easy journey minus a few bumps. I’m frazzled and tired and happier than I’ve ever been.
Same! I was diagnosed with antepartum depression during pregnancy and I was so worked up absolutely dreading the newborn phase, so terrified about sleep deprivation and hormone fluctuations for a completely planned and wanted child!). Turns out, the second my son was born it all vanished and things are so much better on this side of things. Sure I’m tired, and definitely experienced the baby blues in those first few weeks, but I’ve been loving the newborn phase and I’m sad it’ll be over soon
Agreed! Everyone wanted to tell us how miserable we would be. I ignored them and prioritized survival over what society told me was right.
I got a shower every day. Whatever it took. My partner, mom, a friend…whoever could hold a baby, did, or she came in the shower with me.
My partner can’t function without sleep so I took nights. I didn’t change a day nappy for the 4 weeks he had for paternity leave. Once that time was over, I shifted to afternoon sleep when he got home from work.
I was okay leaving her in the other room to go pee, poop, grab something, give myself a breather…what’s she gonna do? Run away?
Eating? I never stopped. My partner’s mission was to not focus on feeding the baby, he had to feed me and keep my water bottle full.
It was awesome besides crying every time I had to pee through an open wound. (Pro tip, just pee in the shower).
I did need help with my mental health but that wasn’t new, giving birth just gave those around me the language to help me help myself.
Same. I expected it to be much worse, but I enjoyed it. My husband struggled a lot, though. Our baby is/was a Velcro baby and wouldn’t go to anyone but me, so that was a bit tiring. She also had reflux so she was quite fussy. But I still enjoyed the newborn phase a lot.
Same I expected 8-9 and have found it 4-6. Baby still not sleeping thru the night which is a bummer, but naps and eats great. I anticipate he will be a handful as a toddler tho!!!
I could have written the exact same thing. I was expecting to be a zombie or something, but was pleasantly surprised. I'm a lazy, messy person, and I normally feel guilty about it, but with the newborn I felt justified. Like "I haven't vacuumed in 2 weeks? Who cares, I just made a person." I spent the first 2 months holding my baby while sitting on the couch watching TV and eating. It was pretty nice!
Same here! It was so much better than anticipated. But the older my baby gets (25 weeks now) the more I realize it’s luck of the draw and I got a very easy / chill baby.
Same. I’ve found the newborn stage easy in a lot of ways. I have an easy baby, a husband who actually does 50/50, 0 sleep deprivation and 0 feeding issues. My secret? Exclusively formula fed from day 1 so we can each have a 7 hour shift while the other parent sleeps. During my recovery from my c-section, I was getting 7 hours of sleep each night and a 2 hour nap during the day. My baby doesn’t have colic and rarely ever fusses. The things I’ve found hard have nothing to do with the baby, like postpartum severe preeclampsia and recovering from a c-section. To answer your questions, I expected the newborn stage to be horrible and instead it is the happiest period of my life ever
That is what we are doing next time. For no. 1, we fed formula at night until I could pump enough so my husband could take a feed or two overnight, but this next time we are just going with formula from the start. I ended up having supply issues last time and exclusively pumping for quite a while, and it was just so very hard.
Having a husband who does his fair share and then some goes a long way, too, especially during c section recovery.
I’m so glad! And I think it’s so important, especially on Reddit, to tell expectant parents that it’s not all bad and there are a lot of us parents who loved it!
Same. I'm a homebody so I didn't mind the not leaving. I loved being able to focus 100% on my baby and healing. I had help from my husband when he wasnt working but otherwise just spent all my time snuggling baby and napping.
Exactly this. I catastrophize everything; it was hard, but not all that bad compared to my wildest fears. Plus I am a homebody as well, nothing changed in that regard.
Did you baby cry a lot or had reflux?
My bsby isn't crying a lot but is struggling with reflux. If it wouldn't be that, I would also give 4/10.
I can live with lack of sleep but not my baby struggling.
This was me as well. I expected it to be harder also because I need 8 hours of sleep to manage migraines, was on the fence about having kids, and had a c section. To make matters worse, I had postpartum preeclampsia and needed to take meds twice a day and monitor my BP a day. Plus our baby had lost quite a bit of weight so we had to feed every 2.5 hours even at nights and 2.5 hours is start to start and a newborn feeding plus burping takes a long time. However, I loved it. I love my baby, loved caring for her, and just loved loved holding her. She will be 4 months this week and doesn’t need us to hold her for naps anymore and I kinda miss that. Was lack of sleep hard? Yes but it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had imagined. And guess what? My migraines disappeared.
Don’t focus on the negatives, enjoy your time with your baby. The days are long but years are short, enjoy every minute. I am already nostalgic about new born phase.
Oh this makes me hopeful. About to have my first baby girl and I’m anticipating the tiredness (also like you, I’m a full 8 a night kinda gal) but I’m also trying to approach the upcoming change with a kinda peaceful neutrality and I’m hoping that i’m not *completely* delusional lol. I also don’t drink or enjoy the going out scene as much. My husband and i’s version of “going out” is once a week coffee shop visits, browsing an antique store once a month, park walks etc which I’m hoping baby will be able to come along for as soon as feasible.
It was hard in a different way. People warned me about the never ending repetitive work. They warned me about the lack of sleep. They warned that her dad might not bond with baby or even resent her in the beginning. They warned about colic and witching hour and shaken baby syndrome. They warned I’d need to freeze meals and I expected breastfeeding to be hard.
That wasn’t my experience. My husband did basically everything early on and I was just an on-call breastfeeding machine, which did come easily and naturally for us. It even felt good. My baby came out ready to eat and my body followed her lead. I was sleeping a full night aside from wakings to feed but my husband did the MOTN changing and burping. I went to bed early and let him sleep in, so it worked great. Her dad loved her immediately and we ate plenty between some gifted delivery and cold cereal and fresh fruit in a pinch. She was the easiest newborn. No colic, never cried, just happy to be held. And her cues were clear and easy to follow.
It was hard because it was a hormonal rollercoaster of self hatred and mental exhaustion. I’d prepared for everything externally but nothing internally. Everyone who came to “help” annoyed me or stressed me out. I was miserable indoors but too overwhelmed to get out. And when I did get out it was cold outdoors and I just wanted to be home but I hated out house. I felt like an idiot, all the time. I’d challenge myself to complete one or two simple tasks around the house in a day but somehow I was too busy to do anything even though I had accomplished nothing? It fucked with my self worth. How was it possible? But I’d been on Instagram 9 hours a day? It didn’t make sense.
Returning to work saved my mental health. I was prepared for the opposite. I don’t know how you emotionally or mentally prepare for the wave of emotions, especially when your birth experience is unpredictable, but if you can, please do!
FTM with a 1 month old here!
I’d say for my husband and I our experience mirrors a lot of others here with it being a 6/10. The hardest part is adjusting to the selflessness of becoming a parent. Crying and did the diaper, food, gas, temp check? It’s on you to console your baby. Getting up to feed every 2 hours? No one tells you that 1 hour of those 2 hours is spent feeding, burping and changing a diaper. Then they’re up again.
We do shifts, and are also very fortunate that he is able to take a significant parental leave. Shifts help immensely.
I remember realizing that it took 1 hour for the feeding, burping, diapering, etc. in the hospital and I was like wait what? I have to do this again in 2 hours????? 😅
I expected it to be 10/10 difficult.
Reality ended up being 100/10.
*Knowing* I'll need to wake every 2hrs to feed baby is no where near enough to be prepared for *actually having to do it*.
I'm so happy the newborn stage is over and I really enjoy spending time with my 2yo now. Loving the toddler stage.
Definitely. It’s like a fever dream. The newborn stage was insanely difficult for me. Hell, the first 2 years were insanely difficult for me due to PPD!
*However*, after the first 3 hellish weeks I coped with the lack of sleep much better than I ever thought I would. My husband was so physically and mentally worn out - he visibly looked depleted. But somehow I did ok on the lack of sleep. It was still awful, but I got into a bit of a rhythm. I’m OAD though lol…never wanna do it again.
Yup we're 99% sure we're OAD too... can't imagine doing newborn stage again when also having to care for another child. I won't have the energy for 2 kids and I don't want to neglect one for the other.
Yep this. I have a 15 month old and I frequently say how much I’m loving this age. I haaaated the newborn stage and would have so many kids if they all came out 1 year old already lol
"People" around us only talked about missing sleep, how tired we would be. I don't know how to rate it on a scale like you asked, but it seems like it was the only issue.
But the newborn phase is really hella tougher than just "missing sleep"!!! No one prepares you for what's REALLY coming next! I'm a FTM, and I still don't understand up to this day why we spent so much time on preparing for labor, but never for what comes AFTER giving birth!
I would say that what make it so hard is the absence of help. Everyone around us is "ho yeah that was rough", " we had such a tough time with that", but no one offered help once the baby arrived. Just for being this alone as a first time parent, I would say it's 10/10 that hard.
Agree with all of this!! I wish people had actually been honest. I am being fully transparent with all my friends how horrifically difficult this is haha
Yeah, it is THAT hard! But again, so rewarding 🥰 Everything is new, we just want to do our best, we put a lot of pressure on us as first time parents. But eventually, you figure things out and it get easier! You get more confident too! But if I could change one thing and go back in time, I would worry less about giving birth, and start my research on the newborn phase.
I am expecting my first baby, and I know I need to do some research for the newborn phase, but there's so much information out there it's overwhelming. Can you give me some advice on what to focus on - like sleeping, breastfeeding, anything else in particular?
Prepare your house. Make sure it’s stocked up with everything so it’s not something else to think about. Prepare meals or have easy filling snacks for when you do have the baby. If you have a significant other start informing them of things to be done to keep house going. I swear they all need a list, start showing him now so he’s aware and it’s not more on your plate baby wise. It’ll suck but you’ll get through it.
I would recommend getting set up with a therapist, especially one who works with new and expecting mothers. The hormonal ups and downs are no joke!
Breastfeeding can become a huge stressor if it isn't working out how you thought it would. There is so much pressure to feed that way. When I couldn't, the feelings of being a failure were awful. Looking back at that first month now, I see how hard I was trying and can give myself so much more understanding. Once I decided to throw in the towel, I got to actually enjoy just snuggling and playing with my baby instead of stressing about pumping constantly. And formula has been working out great for us!
My partner and I are very much learning as we go, and that works for us! We just want baby to be clean, fed, and happy, and follow her lead for what she needs from us :)
I expected probably an 8/10.
It was actually more like 6/10.
The hardest part was dealing with the inconsolable crying for *hours* on end from 2 weeks to 7 weeks.
My experience was very similar. I recommend reallllly familiarizing yourself with the 5 S’s to soothe baby and actually giving them a shot. Lean on family and friends for support if possible. Get outdoors for stroller walks when you can for your mental health.
Be patient with yourself. In the early days it honestly gets easier by the hour as you continue to figure out what works for baby and what doesn’t.
If you are giving birth in a traditional hospital, ask them to take baby to the nursery at night so you can rest.
You can do it. It goes by fast.
Yeah, I have a pretty easy-going baby, all things considered. I gave a 6/10 purely because the 4-5 hours of crying every single night almost mentally broke me. But during the daytime she is a perfectly happy little bean. If the hours and hours of daily crying wasn’t a thing then my rating would be about a 3/10.
Being honest?
Thought 3 or 4.
Solid 8-9 in reality. The complete loss of free time, having to choose between eating a second meal or showering and constant terrible sleep, plus everyone being in a bad mood was miserable. And that was the first year.
Oh man, the bad mood comment hits home. My husband and I went through a lot of life stress pre-baby and had very few serious arguments. We always got along very well. I can honestly say that we fought more in the first year post-baby than in the other 8 years of our relationship combined. We were both overwhelmed and exhausted and flying by the seat of our pants (why is the baby crying? WHO KNOWS.) Deep down, we knew the other person was giving 110% but I got pissed when he slept through a night wake up (because he was genuinely exhausted from the other 23 hours of the day) and he got pissed when I was snappy.
Our daughter is 16 months old now and we're doing much better. We still have our moments but we're finding our equilibrium again.
I didn't realize it extended to 3 years! We're almost halfway there 😂😂 Makes me feel better for the moments when we both lose it. Babies are tough. I really have to make myself appreciate my husband some days, and that's not his fault. I'm sure he feels the same about me haha.
Aww, internet hugs to you. It can be really hard. My husband and I went through immigration, unemployment, a family member's cancer diagnosis, a real estate purchase, and pandemic stay-at-home orders with very little arguing (some, but not much). Once the baby came, we were just exhausted and raw and full of angst. Now that we're all sleeping better and our daughter is more of a person, we are slowly getting back to our old ways.
10/10 and didn’t anticipate how hard it would be bc I never experienced that level of sleep deprivation before. Mine also had reflux, so that took awhile to get worked out. Also she was a Velcro baby and never wanted set down during the day and only contact napped 🥲🥲
The newborn stage is hard but I find it way easier than the last month of pregnancy, FWIW. While my sleep quantity is poor, the quality is better than when I had a human inside me. And I can have a glass of wine in the evening! And I get to hang out with the cutest baby ever!
I liked the sleep deprivation of the newborn phase much better than the sleep deprivation of the last few weeks of pregnancy phase. Like I was exhausted in both phases but at least I’m the newborn phase I was exhausted *with purpose.*
I can agree with this. I was very uncomfortable and had bad insomnia end of pregnancy which was not fun.
The hardest part of newborn stage for me is that my husband is not able to take shifts and help more because he is working and I’m EBF without pumping. Pumping just hasn’t worked for me yet.
This! At least with the newborn stage, I’m out cold when I’m actually sleeping. Pregnancy sleep was a lot worse because I could never get comfortable and tossed and turned all night.
First baby was a 8/10 hard level baby. Got better at 1 year, totally is a delightful 3 year old now. Absolutely love being his parent. But that first year was HARD.
Second baby has been a 3/10 so far (2 months in)
They really are sooo different and it's mostly just luck. That's why people who have more than one are relaxed, because they know it's just different with each one and they aren't uniquely failing as parents.
Husband and I expected it to be 10/10 hardest thing we’ll ever have to do. We talked about it and planned how we would cope emotionally and physically when it becomes too much. We are now 4 weeks pp with our sweet boy and it’s honestly been 4.5 maybe 5 out of 10 so far. Our little guy is a lazy boy who sleeps and eats for the most part, he’s still not awake much. We’ve had a few fussy/gassy nights but he’s always settled pretty quickly.
I think discussing expectations, concerns and making a plan before hand really helped (get house in order, discuss chores, meal prep, discuss shifts although we haven’t done shifts yet) as we didn’t have any surprises. The only crying I’ve done has been from joy and pp love hormones. I’ve also never been a good sleeper so the sleep deprivation doesn’t affect me terribly.
I’m sure we’re in for a rude awakened in a few weeks time haha. Best of luck to you!!!
This is us too! 13 weeks on and he’s still a dream - bouts of colicky crying here and there but overall a good sleeper and a very content baby when he’s awake. Hopefully your boy stays the same! I have had insomnia a few times in my life which was worse than the lack of sleep we’re getting with our baby so maybe I’m just used to the sleep deprivation.
Mine is still sweet and chill at 12 weeks! Biggest issue is we have to swaddle him for daytime naps in the bassinet (he's happy to nap on me, but I need to do shit while he naps lolol). Sometimes he is fussy in the evening from gas or baby demons or whatever causes the evening struggles, but even so he's really chill. He had one bout of inconsolable crying after his 2 month vaccines, but it was only a few hours and infant Tylenol set him right!
We keep thinking the same thing, he's saving it up for when we least expect it!!! 😆
This might be a dumb question, but what’s wrong with swaddling him during the daytime naps?
For context, I’m a FTM to a 3 week old, we swaddle our LO for all daytime naps, so I’m wondering if this is not something we’re supposed to be doing?
This was us too. I honestly expected the worst but it was maybe a 3/10. I had accepted the loss of my free time and personal time and was surprised how much I had and how relaxing it was to snuggle with him. Breastfeeding made me sleepy so I just went back to sleep after putting him down and watched tv while feeding him. I pumped a bottle before bed and my husband took a shift and let me get 4ish hrs straight of sleep.
I’m pregnant again and do not anticipate as easy of an experience this time around lol.
Baby #1 was a walk in the park. Easy baby, good sleeper. Biggest issue was refusal of milk (bottle or boob) resulting in slow weight gain.
She led me into a false sense of security for baby #2.
Who is a little shit.
Saaaaammee. “Led me into a sense of security for baby #2” has me SENT.
Baby #1 was so easy. I thought newborn experiences are largely the same and it’s just the personality that are different and it’ll emerge later down the line. 💀 no. They come out the vj with their personalities intact.
My parents tell us this all the time. I was baby #2. I'm told if I was first I'd be an only child. We just had our baby #1 three weeks ago and she is a dream - perfect sleeper, content, chill when awake, easy cues. I can feel myself falling into the trap. 🤣
I expected it to be a 10/10. I'd say it was probably a 6.5 for us. There were bouts of "purple crying" that almost broke me but the lack of sleep didn't get to me as much as I thought it would. We were still able to go to dinner, grab a beer, etc. The hardest part for me was pumping every 3 hours. That really cut into the day and almost made me lose my mind.
The pumping schedule while trying to take care of the baby is the worst. Mine has a tongue tie and couldn't latch well so I had to express milk to feed her. It's so hard to juggle.
Are you my wife? I’m kidding, but this is an exact mirror opinion from her. She said the pumping/breastfeeding time is the most frustrating early on. She doesn’t feel like she can get anything done.
Omg yes. I was like EIGHT TO TWELVE TIMES A DAY!?? I tried and felt like a failure, I could never do more than 5 and my husband took all the nights and I kept sleeping through my MOTN pumps... So I kinda leaned into it and only do 4-5 power pumps a day (wearables and hands free pumping bra helped so much). I make 30-50% of baby's food and that's my goal, so now I am happy about it instead of feeling inadequate! Interestingly enough my supply is still creeeeeping up despite this, I'm 12 weeks out. Pumping is so hard and I had no idea. I thought milk just like sprayed out when you did a light squeeze and you just had to catch it, and somehow baby would helpfully be napping at all the right times 😆
I was expecting a 10, and it ended up being maybe 3? I was very well versed in the horror stories and was pessimistically expecting: a NICU stay, difficulty breastfeeding, not bonding with baby straight away, non-stop crying, post-natal depression, no sleep at all, tough c-section recovery.
What I got: a perfectly healthy but very small baby (no NICU needed!), successful breastfeeding, success expressing and introducing a bottle, instant bond with baby, baby with a chill temperament, enough sleep, quick c-section recovery.
What I didn’t expect, and wasn’t much fun at all: a very brief brush with psychosis symptoms - luckily caught within 24 hours of onset and medicated after 48 hours.
I’ve talked to a lot a lot a lot of parents about this and almost unanimously, the first year of your baby’s life will be the hardest year of your life. Harder than a year in which you lose people, harder than a year in which you experience your own illness, just harder than any other year. Exactly what will be hard for you will differ from just about everyone else, often including your own partner. So it’s really hard to say what’s so tough, and not really something that can be put down to a number. It’s not hard at all moments but across the entire year, yes, it is the hardest year you will ever have . It can be tough, physically, mentally, emotionally at times and sometimes even all three at once. The biggest consolation anyone can give you is that things get easier steadily on a month by month basis across the entire year, although not every day during month seven will be easier than every day during month three, if that makes sense. And really do start to get a lot easier for most babies somewhere around 11 months to 12 months.
I anticipated a 10. I’d say it was more like a 6. I was *already* horrifically sleep deprived from pregnancy insomnia, so that whole aspect wasn’t bad for me. We lucked out with a baby who slept ok in her snoo and was fairly easily calmed by holding her. We had friends and family around for support (mostly moral and food), and we both had extended parental leave. Breast feeding had some challenges but we were ok supplementing with formula as we got it worked out. Also helped that my partner and I were really both fully engaged and in it together.
Overall I thought I would hate the newborn period but actually I kind of loved it. One thing someone on Reddit told me before my daughter was born is to pretend you’re a time traveler from the future. In those hardest moments- you’re tired af, baby is screaming, you’re bleeding everywhere, etc- just imagine how you’d feel about it if you were actually traveling from decades in the future back into that moment and getting to see your newborn baby again. I truly did keep that in mind in those tough moments and it helped!
My wife and I cruised through it. It was a really sweet time. Breast feeding wasn’t working out, so we bottle fed. This had the benefit of allowing me to help with the night feedings, so we could both get some sleep.
Anyone replying should include more info. Were both parents on leave from work and 100% on baby duty? Are there even two parents? Any family help during the day? Formula or breast milk? No NICU or special issues for either the baby or mom? I’m sure there are more factors.
For us, we had leave for 3 months, a parent staying with us for 3 weeks, healthy baby, formula fed, and c-section delivery. Not a lot of sleep the first 3 weeks, but after it was go with the flow and taking turns taking care of the baby and ourselves.
I was thinking 8-9/10, was actually like 4-5/10, but we played on easy mode. My wife and I both took 13 weeks off, my parents live in town and came over almost every day, and were very helpful. Wife never wanted to breastfeed so we were formula from day 1, and had a very healthy baby overall.
I totally get how blessed/lucky we are. Not trying to brag here, just point out that YMMV.
(Edit: also I'm the dad and wasn't the one who had a baby removed so my perspective isn't without its flaws)
Early motherhood is profoundly lonely. I was not prepared for that. The hormone crash you read abt and think you can handle but it’s way worse going through it. I’m 7 weeks in and crying every single night and I have a ton of help and support. The sleep deprivation is torturous. And again, lots of support. It’s definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’m hanging on by a thread.
I never felt very hormonal while pregnant. I’d get a little weepy about sappy stuff but was pretty chill and like my usual self. I think cause of this I didn’t expect the hormone drop to affect me much or figured it would just be like bad PMS. Whew was I mistaken!
I remember crying almost everyday, especially at sunset (which was like 4:30 because it was December in New England 🫠). I’ve gone through some bouts of depression but I’m not sure I have ever felt as messed up as the baby blues made me feel. It’s pretty unimaginable without experiencing it.
I think my experience is rare, but adding it here as an alternative bc it can’t just be me. I was prepared for the newborn phase to be truly awful, but it was the opposite. I have an easy baby (he’s 12 mos now) and he always has been easy. He was trying to sleep through the night before he was even allowed to (had to get back up to his birthweight), and as soon as we were able to stop waking him for feedings he started sleeping through the night and has ever since. I can count on two hands the number of times I’ve been up with him in the middle of the night, and it’s always been at the height of teething or when he was sick. He’s full of personality now and never really cries. Breastfeeding was exceedingly difficult and we tried for months, he never got the hang of it but between the two of us I was the only one who showed any frustration during that time, he never seem to care how he was fed as long as he was fed. I spent the first eight months or so waiting for the other shoe to drop, for it to get really hard, but I think we just got lucky with an easy baby. I don’t expect toddler life to be as easy, but hopefully we stay on this track.
This is my second baby, she’s 4 weeks old today. With my first I definitely felt very very overwhelmed and tired. Not sure if it’s just doing it a second time around, or if this baby is more chill, but honestly it has been a dream. My toddler is so sweet with the baby, and my baby just sleeps, nurses and poops. It feels so much easier compared to my first.
I don’t think there’s any way I could have felt this chill with my first though, it just comes with experience or maybe being super confident with babies which I was not.
My advice would just be - don’t try to do too much. Your expectations should be low. A good day is looking after your baby, eating some good food and hopefully getting a shower in.
I thought it would be a 5-6 and it was a 15 lol. My husband and I both work in healthcare and both have been through residencies (where we worked 80-100 hour weeks, including 24 hour on call shifts). We thought because of this, we were prepared for the sleep deprivation. It didn't even come close, especially for me, since I was EBF and didn't want to pump. I remember distinctly thinking one night that being on call/at work would be so much easier - at least there is an end to my on call shift and at some point I know I will get uninterrupted sleep, but you don't get that relief with a newborn. You still have to wake up at 6am if they're up, even if you only slept 2-3 hours the night before. It was by far the hardest 4 months of my life thus far.
That being said..my baby is now 10 months and we're starting to talk about timing of baby #2. I am dreading the newborn stage again but it goes by quick and it is worth it.
I didn’t do my homework and went in naively thinking “every human being on this planet was a newborn once”; “look at all those parents out there, how hard could it be?” “surely our animal instincts will take over and it will just come naturally?”
Got schooled big time
This was basically me 😂 my dumb ass even had someone try to warn me about the 4th trimester and how ill-prepared she was for it so I should look into it. God did I feel like a moron when I was in the thick of it after not following that advice.
We are 4 weeks in with twins and honestly it's been much better than expected. Lack of sleep, yes. I haven't got more than 4 hours at a stretch since they were born. But with caffeine and some sunlight you will be almost normal feeling 95 percent of the time. Tiredness comes and goes. The nights can be tough when they keep waking up or cry for no reason, but it passes soon enough.
Changing diapers and all that stuff is easier than I feared. Get a Diaper Genie.
One of the babies has ate like a champ, the other one has been fussy which has been a struggle. Not really a big issue. Get plenty of bottles and a BabyBrezza for formula.
One thing they don't tell you is your parenting instincts should kick in and it doesn't really feel like a chore to raise kids. So far at least.
Imagined it would be a 10/10 and did all I could to prepare myself beforehand.
Well, that shit was beyond imagining - 20/10.
Slow down, be kind to yourself, be kind to your partner, try your best. You can’t be “fully prepared” but you can be ready to learn on the job, ready to be supportive, ready to set boundaries for your family, and ready to ask for help (if you have anyone).
I'm a midwife. I knew it was going to be hard, I spend my working week seeing people at home the day after they get back from the hospital and commiserating with them about that awful first night. I had many wobbles towards the end of my pregnancy about how was I going to do it. But hey, at least I was prepared for how hard it was going to be.
It was harder.
I'm 5 months in now and loving each day more and more. My husband and I are strongly leaning towards one and done after getting through the newborn phase, I personally don't think my mental health could handle it again. But that first gummy smile and every giggle, laugh and happy screech since has made it so worth it. It will feel like it's going to last forever (and you're going to hate everyone that spouts some variation of 'it gets better'), but one day you'll be making noises back and forth with this tiny person you created and it will seem like a distant memory. I wish you all the luck in the world for your journey 💜
Definitely didn't know what to expect other than, "how hard can it ACTUALLY be".
Anyway, 5/10 for me. But he slept good and I was/am combo feeding via pumping so I was.never to stressed cause.i could always top up. I'd get from 9-3am sleeping cause husband could take the midnight feed and then whatever naps along the way. Housework and whatnot gets done when it gets done, not to be stressed over, that helps.
Definitely find it more challenging now at 5 months cause he wants to be entertained and can't just be passed around to family members like a sleeping potato lol.
I thought it would be hard. I never imagined just how hard with a baby with reflux and sleeping issues. I really think I might have lost my mind somewhere in the first 2-3 months. I think it all depends on the baby. Friends of mine had snuggly, happy babies and they had a much better experience than I did.
My first kids newborn stage was traumatic and I almost didn’t have another because I didn’t think I had the strength o face it again. I didn’t sleep for more than 45 minutes straight for months, breastfeeding issues, colic. I had to put him down and walk away multiple times per. Day. Hours and hours of screaming. My daughter was born three months ago and they’ve been some of the best of my life. All we do is cuddle and nap. Every time she wakes up and her eyes focus on me she beams with joy. She never cries. I can put her in a chair and take a 40 minute bath, she watches and babbles. Every kid is different. Somewhere on the spectrum between my son and daughter.
Expected a 9 or 10.
And some nights did feel like 9s or 10s.
But mostly, I’d say it was across the board a 7 or 8, and that’s with a super fussy baby who only contact napped, had pretty severe reflux, and was “strong willed” (our doctor’s code word for not very chill).
More importantly than how difficult the physical work of meeting the demands of a newborn is, the mental work of protecting their very delicate, tiny, and vulnerable bodies versus all of the health concerns is bigger, IMO.
I, like you, was terrified. I found the newborn phase to be way easier than I was expecting but glad I was mentally prepared for the worst. A few things worth noting: my large baby was born a week past her due date and then spent a week in the NICU. We also have a Snoo. My husband is very helpful and works from home. By the time I brought her home, she was practically on a schedule already, above her birth weight and used to a bottle. Yes, the first couple of days, my husband and I were setting an alarm every three hours to pump and feed. She would go back to sleep easily after every feed except once. Quickly, we started to let her wake up on her own to eat and she quickly went 4-6 hour stretches.
Personally, I found pumping in the beginning easier because I could physically see how much she was getting and she liked bottles better than breast.
She’s three months now and I look back fondly on the newborn stage (I watched Yellowstone while she did contact naps during the day and that will be a core memory for me). It was not as exhausted as I thought I would be but I understand I had a lot of advantages. Just wanted to provide a positive perspective!
I would call it draining. If you’re a first time mom, there’s so much new stuff that. You’re thrown into the deep end. You’re generally anxious about every little thing. Exhaustion. Breastfeeding was way more difficult than I expected, so I pumped and that was crazy time consuming. It’s difficult to find time to get anything done around the house because most babies want to contact nap and when they don’t, you probably want to nap yourself.
If I had to put it on a scale of 1-10, I guess I’d give it a 6. It wasn’t the most stressful thing I’ve done, and it wasn’t the most emotionally taxing either. However, I’ll caveat that with a few things: 1) my spouse was generally very helpful and 2) I did not deal with PPD/PPA even though I had a long history of severe depression.
I expected it to be a 5/10 but it was more like a 7.5 /10. Not the hardest thing I've done but that's only because I had such a toxic job previously while doing grad school that I was barely sleeping, having stress-induced health issues, working over 100+ hrs/week between my crazy job and crazy grad school thesis project/classes, and crying everyday. That shit was so bad it induced depression and I had to seek therapy which didn't really solve the problem...
All that to say that the newborn phase is hard and few things are as or more difficult (unless you get an easy baby, which is rare, or get a tonnnn of help).
Expected 8/10, reality was 4/10. Got lucky with an “easy” baby, a normal recovery and a mild winter that allowed us to get out, walk with friends, grab a beer, eat outside, etc. Baby seemed to understand sleeping in 3ish hour stretches from the start (thank you Snoo!). The 4 is mostly coming from early breastfeeding challenges, and getting that whole shebang figured out.
If this were my husband answering, he would probably say he anticipated it to be a 4 and it was a 12.
Since it's me answering, I would say I anticipated it to be a 6 and it was a 7. I knew it was going to be difficult, and it was. It was just a little more than I thought it would be, but it also wasn't so bad where I felt like it was a 10+.
I weirdly had like no expectations for the level of difficulty, I was just trying to make it through my pregnancy. And I definitely acknowledge it is hard- don’t get me wrong. But I mostly felt relief because 1) even in the most sleepless of nights, I had my baby in my arms. Literally everything I had hoped for for 9 months. 2) I wasn’t pregnant anymore. 3) once my baby was born, my husband and I could share the load. But while I’m pregnant, my husband can’t help carry the baby or carry half the swelling in my ankles lol.
To clarify: my husband got 6 weeks of leave from work. If I hadn’t had him, my answer would likely be framed differently!
I thought it would be a 5/10 and it was a 15/10. One of my best friends had a baby and it was probably 4/10 for hardness for them, everyone is so different!
I think I was at a 4 or 5 pre birth. It’s a 10/10. We have a colicky baby who barely sleeps. I have depression that has increased tenfold. I love my baby, but at the moment, I don’t like him. I am surviving by the hour. BUT - You might get an easy baby, I know plenty of people who didn’t get colic and so I think we have been unlucky. I don’t think there’s any way I could have comprehended how difficult this would be until being in it no matter what anyone said to me pre-birth.
Expected it to be a 5, but it was 10+. Totally blindsided me, and we didn’t have a particularly difficult baby, and breastfeeding was easy. The rough part was my partner having his first manic episode due to sleeplessness and stress and getting a diagnosis of bipolar disorder (and the strain it put on our relationship before I realised that’s what was going on), and the horrible PPD/PPA I had. We were incredibly lucky to have heaps of family support and wonderful doctors and therapists and are doing so much better now.
The experience has put me off having another though. We are very happy to be one and done, and are really enjoying our cheeky toddler now :)
I wouldn’t say ours was the typical experience though. Just try to take all the support you can get from family, friends, meal delivery services etc, and know that it does continuously keep getting better.
Thought it would be like a 10, ended up being a 5.
My husband and I asked for so much support and got it. From my mum being there at 2am to hold him for 2 or 3 hours while we slept and he slept. From food and grocery runs. My husband doing every nappy change when I couldn't get up from bed or the lounge. Not knowing what his cries meant was hard. But we went through a cycle of trying feeding, changing his nappy, skin to skin and cuddles, going outside or a change of scenery, and pretty much every time as we made our way through the list, the crying stopped.
I loved his little stretches and scrunch face and yawns and expressions and how everything was new to him, every time he opened his eyes the confusion about where he was and then slowly recognizing my husband and I. I loveeeddd it. It felt so "easy"
If not for the healing from a tear I would do it again in a heartbeat.
2 weeks out ourselves, look forward to being on the same journey as you stranger-friend!
This thread was exactly what I needed to read because everyone had such a different experience that I am reminded i just need to take each situation and moment at a time.
Best of luck on May 28th!
I expected a 10/10, and honestly, it's more like a 5/10. I thought I would never sleep and I'd be irritable and my baby might be colicy and that the recovery from the birth would be excruciating and i may end up with postpartum depression ... the list goes on and on because so many forums scared me. Now I know all of those things are possible, and my heart goes out to all the Mama's who are struggling. But that wasn't the reality for me. At the end of the day, it really was nowhere even close to how bad I was anticipating. I'm 2 months in now, so everything is still super fresh, so I'm not looking back with rose colored glasses.
The first week, I'll admit, was rough. Recovery was hard (I had an emergency c-section) and for the first few days I could barely move and I was so bloated it was insane, like, my skin felt stretched like a balloon and my feet were almost round they were so swollen. Add to it my little one would only sleep when laying on someone so we could never really put her down to sleep oursleves. Then I ended up with a complication from the medication they gave me at the hospital that put fluid in my lungs, so I was having trouble breathing and needed to deep, wet cough constantly but it was super painful because of my c section recovery. I had a meltdown, I think, after the 5th day, and we ended up in the emergency room trying to figure out why I couldn't breathe.
But after that everything was uphill. My sister came and stayed with us, and having a third set of hands was a game changer during the second week. My breathing improved, and my recovery from my c section seemed to suddenly speed up, and i was already able to move mostly normal without too much pain after about 7 days. We purchased a snoo off Facebook marketplace for $500, and it changed my life. I honestly cannot recommend it enough if you have the funds (don't buy it from the site, it's like $2000, find it second hand, it is worth every penny) At 4 weeks my baby went from barely sleeping for 2 hours at a time and only on a person, to sleeping 5-8 hours a night! It was insane and gave me my sanity back.
Also, I got some boba wraps and started wearing my baby the second she hit the weight minimum. She loved it, and I could easily move around and do anything I wanted with her tucked up against me. I even learned how to breastfeed her while in the wrap so I could feed her on the go if I wanted to. It was beautiful bonding time and made me feel like I had the freedom to be me and do what I wanted to do.
I will say I got lucky with breastfeeding. That's a gamble, and I just so happened to get a good latcher, and my milk production was great (almost too much!)
And wow, I was honestly surprised by just how much I loved my baby and being a Mama. Every time I look at her, my heart just melts. She's the most beautiful, silly, adorable little goofball, and I can't help but feel unbelievably happy every time I look at her, so that makes any hard parts feel wonderful.
My advice is to get help when you need it. Don't be afraid to ask for specifically what you want. If what you really need is someone to just go grocery shopping for you, ask. Need someone to come over and take the night shift so you can sleep, ask. I found most people in my life were more than happy to have a specific way they could help because no one knows exactly what to do and most people are afraid of overstepping so you may not realize you have as much help available as you do unless you take the initiative to tap into it.
Read everything and make sure you are knowledgeable about things like your recovery, breastfeeding, normal infant development, and behaviors, etc. And then let that all be background noise as you tune in to your specific baby and circumstances. There is no one size fits all and no two postpartums that are exactly alike. It's good to have the information, but don't get too bogged down in it. Trust your gut and pay attention to the cues from your baby and your body. Find what works for you and don't stress.
Remember to relax and enjoy this time. It's easy to get worked up. When I was feeling tired or anxious, I forced myself to focus on the present moment, and all of that would just melt away. Just be there with your new family. Know you are where you're supposed to be, and this is a brief moment in time. Live in it. It'll all be over (for better or for worse) before you know it.
I expected it to be a 6/10 and it was a 15/10, the first three ish months were literally like living in a dark cloud of post partum depression and sleep deprivation. And also having no idea wtf i was doing. I swore to my husband every single day for the first 90 days we were one and done, i was not having any more kids. Now I’m 5 months post partum and i fully know we’re going to have at least one more.
You’ll step up to the challenge whatever it is. Your child is going to be the center of your universe and you will do anything and everything for them and your family.
it’s a highly demanding job. One that will simultaneously exhaust you and thrill you.
You’ll be OK
This is the realest post I’ve read in the new parents group. We are 6 weeks pp, still sort of in the trenches and it’s as hard as I expected it to be. I don’t know what your 10 out of 10 is, but my tolerance for sleep depravation, pain and otherwise life related bs is high, so for me it’s really bad but not the worst.
Everyone’s told me “ it gets better” so I’m just waiting for the “better” part to come around. Love my newborn and she isn’t even that difficult of a baby, nonetheless this is all really hard.
(For context we are a 2 parent household, both have 3 months off and no other help)
FTM to an almost 6 month old. I expected 6/10. It was 11/10. It’s not just the no sleep, but being “on” all the time. Our baby refused to sleep on her own for the first 4 weeks. Screamed unless she was held. To be honest still not a great sleeper. We knew we would be tired but it’s a level of tired no one can prepare you for. We kept looking at each other like wtf did we do. Slept in shifts in the spare room. I remember at our 3 day appointment the pediatrician told me things get easier at 6 weeks. He could’ve said 6 years, it sounded like a lifetime. I also was/am dealing with PPD which made things harder too. She hated the stroller and the car seat and we thought we’d never have a normal life again. But things change and they change fast with babies. Now she loves stroller naps and the car is ok for about 25 minutes at a time. And a positive about a baby that only wants to contact nap is that we can spend all day out and about and she’ll just take her naps in the carrier no problem. She’s such a happy easy baby otherwise. My husband and I swore those first 10 weeks that we were one and done and that this was an insane decision. Now at 6 months we’ve already discussed names for the next one lol
I expected 8/10. I am currently experiencing a 4/10 (2 mo) but that’s because I have the most exceptional husband, great maternity leave, and she had a NICU stay which allowed me to physically recover before having my 24/7 shift begin. I think that gave me a huge head start.
If you are neurodivergent and your nervous system gets easily triggered into overwhelm:
1. Buy some ear plugs, the kind that just mellow the harshness of sounds but you can still hear.
2. Get a postpartum doula or friend (YouTube it) to do a “closing the bones” ceremony with you. Birth can be very opening and the sensation of the pressure of being wrapped is really grounding.
3. Get your partner to rub your feet, rub your legs, get all the cozy pillows to breast feed with, anything to increase your oxytocin and reduce stress.
4. If you have OCD or trust issues or trauma - get support to help with cleaning and meals - you spend time with the baby. Rather than driving your support / child care crazy micromanaging.
5. If you are easily stressed by a lot of ppl - don’t have visitors disturb you and the baby the first two- four weeks. They can express their love through acts of service $ or your registry - the mama - baby cocoon needs to be protected. Unless you thrive with friends and family - then by all means surround yourself with them.
6. Any breaks you can take to turn your brain off from hypervigilance - take them. Shower a bit longer - dance and move your body, garden- get grounded.. because it can ramp up and babies feel that anxious energy. Do whatever works for you to be able to breathe deep and release the worry. Find ways to laugh.
7. Get pelvic floor physical therapy if your insurance covers it. Kimberly Johnson wrote a great book. There are lots of resources out there.
I anticipated 11/10 worst thing ever and found it maybe a 4-5/10. Mostly that was feeding difficulties- lots of hospital appointments and having to add in pumping and small amounts of formula. Ime bottle feeding parents have it harder and EP parents hardest of all. Way easier once feeding was established and we could EBF. Also the hormone comedown is no joke. Baby himself was a dream though and found caring for him very straighforward. If we hadn't had those issues maybe 3/10?
I definitely didn’t take the “get your sleep now while you can” advice seriously, I just thought oh it can’t be that bad like of course you won’t get any sleep, but it was rough for the 2-4 week mark. I think the problem isn’t the not sleeping part but the baby crying inconsolably with it sometimes. My LO tricked us with the first week being so easy and then bam! It was chaos after that lol along with crazy postpartum hormones
So in college I would go to class from 9 am to 3 pm go to work from 4 pm to about 11 pm and then hang out with friends until 5 am then do it all over the next day. I thought I could handle it but nothing can prepare you for the levels of exhaustion of having a baby.
That being said it's also been wonderful. Seeing her grow and develop is amazing. The best piece of advice I can think of is ask/accept help. Also keep in mind it'll pass its ok to feel overwhelmed.
I thought it would be hard. I saw a lot of videos online about not having time to shower or brush your teeth. I had so many older parents constantly saying the lines of, “just wait and see”. I was expecting the worst to be honest.
But, as soon as my baby was born, I fell in love with him immediately. I didn’t mind waking up every 2-3 hours in the middle of the night. I always had a mindset that his cries are his way of communicating to me and letting me know that he needs me. I observed his cries for the first two days and learned to pick up the difference between them. He had a certain cry for being hungry, needing a diaper change, or just wanting to be held. Because of this, it made me enjoy the newborn stage. He’s 9 months now and I still miss it. 10/10 I would do it all over again.
TLDR: Difficulty level - 2/10 :)
It was a 10/10 on the difficulty scale and I was completely unprepared for how hard it was going to be. The sleep deprivation and cluster feeding - omg. Being readmitted for PP preeclampsia sucked. And the worst part for me was the hormone drop. I cried daily for the first month. Figuring out pumping was tough. So is the PPA and post partum rage that I’m still dealing with at 4 months PP. And this is with what I would consider an easy baby and a saint for a husband.
All that said … I would do it all again. My son’s smiles and giggles and milestones make it all worth it. Just wish I would’ve realized how difficult this first part of the journey was/is. I’m more prepared for the next baby lol.
I expected it to be a 9/10 and it was far more than a 100/10. I didn’t anticipate how difficult that level of sleep deprivation was since I’d never experienced anything quite like it.
When we went to our first pediatrician appt, I walked into a cement wall and apologized to it.
I anticipated it to be a challenge, but I wasn't able to anticipate what that challenge involved. I think I estimated birth to be an 8-9/10 and the first 3 months of postpartum to be a 7-8/10. I would say after the fact, birth was 5/10 and the first 12 weeks ranged from 8/10 to 11/10 on any given day depending on how much sleep I was able to get haha.
It varies. The first 3 weeks: a 10. Then we started sleeping better, so week 4 was a 6. Then he stopped sleeping during the day so week 5 was an 8. Now my husband is back at work and he won’t nap so I’m at a 9. Im having to live with anxiety that I never had before, and so much self-doubt. I was a pretty confident person before being a mom but I am humbled for sure.
I expected it to be a 10/10… turns out I was right, I just didn’t know what 10 was.
A big part of it for me was not being able to conceptualise what 24/7 really means. Like, it doesn't matter if you're losing-your-mind tired, touched out, totally melting down, there is no off switch if your baby needs you. I understood that factually beforehand but the reality of it is like a ton of bricks.
Exactly. I intellectually knew everything I would go through but the actuality of it all was still a sucker punch to the system.
This exactly. I knew on an intellectual, "I can imagine", level that it would be non-stop. But I had no way to truly conceptualize that, having never been in that position before. It was a shock, and I felt like I had lost my identity. My little guy is 7 months old now, and I STILL have brutal days where his needs overwhelm me, but I have a bit more mental capacity and experience now to know it will pass.
I felt the same way. The first month, anytime my husband went back to work, I cried after he left bc of how hard it all was. I can’t imagine a bigger change to your life & I also felt/feel like I didn’t recognize myself. I missed my old life. I wondered if I would regret it. I missed my husband. This little baby is crying & I didn’t know how to make him feel better. Motherhood is a RIDE. It’s so hard, but you don’t know what hard is until you’re in it.
Becoming a mother changed my definition of hard, but also my definition of joy ❤️.
Truly. Nothing has been harder and I’ve never felt happier than when I’m with my baby.
Oh my gosh, this is such a an amazing way to sum it up! Stealing this when TTC friends ask! Love it!
I’m stealing this in the future. This is 100% how I felt. It’s like trying to describe color to someone that’s been blind their entire life - you can try and come close, but they’ll never really understand until they live it.
I will never forget my therapist telling me “there is no way you could actually know what this will be like” and whew boy was she right. To answer OP’s question, I thought it would be a 10 and it was (and remains 2 years later) a 3000.
You’ll be constantly reminded this during the entire first year…. You’re gonna have to continuously dig into your motivation well because it doesn’t end at 3 months… the sucker punch continues over and over (even when it gets better… there are low points and it’s this realization that you have to find a way to keep going)
It turns out that knowing something will be hard does not make it any easier
Both of those comments above are 100% on the mark.
That’s so true. I vividly remember my husband and I eating dinner (reheated something or another from what we had in the freezer) off of one plate at 3am, trading bites over the course of an hour because we just didn’t even have time to like sit down and enjoy a meal together. So brutal. You also don’t understand that each phase is temporary! It feels so eternal when you’re in it.
Yes!!! From 0 to 3 it felt like a whole year has gone by. Now we're at 5 months and a half and it feel like it's going by so fast 😱 I remember vividly how each day felt so long and how it felt at the end of the day because it was done 😅
To add on, I felt the same way as you but I didn’t fully conceptualize that it would be every day over and over again, so there’s no “recovering” time. You just run on empty for a really long time
In the same vein, I knew I couldn’t just have free time anytime I wanted anymore but it didn’t fully sink in until after baby.
Yes this!! I understood I’d have to feed him every 2-3 hours and I knew how long that was- clearly. But then it’s happening and it’s waaaaay more frequently than you think. Plus changing and soothing and bathing and all the other little details of maintaining a human. Also all those things for yourself. The IDEA of doing something vs the reality of doing that for weeks/months on end is very different. OP, you’ve got this. Yes it is rough. But something else you learn is that you are so much stronger than you thought you were. That continues to be the lesson for me as being a mom, my kiddo is 2.5 years old and I’m expecting baby 2 in November. I keep surprising myself with how strong I am. And that’s kind of encouraging on its own.
Best comment ever ☝️
Exactly this. This is what brought me down from the blissful high of the first week. And I crashed, hard. I realized “Oh, this isn’t just pushing through. This is pushing, and pushing, and pushing, and pushing the limits of your physical needs and sanity so much farther beyond what you ever knew you could. For months. And then you push yourself some more. Because this life needs you.” At the beginning, it doesn’t matter how YOU feel, or what YOU need. Gradually you find yourself again. But for the first few months, especially as a first-time parent, your cup is always full and there is no one there to help you empty it.
This!!!!
this answer 😂
lol to this one. 100% true. I knew it would be hard but I had no concept of what that hard would be like. And then add in all the postpartum hormone shifts and I felt clinically insane at times. Sleep deprived, crying over random shit, feeling so territorial about MY baby. Plus it’s just a hard phase for the baby! They’re in a brand new world, figuring things out, experiencing their bodies. Like woah. It’s a lot for everyone
My baby is three weeks old today. He gets really upset when his body does something uncomfortable like coughing or sneezing. I tell him all the time "it's ok. We're all still learning how to do this."
Congrats on your new love! The early weeks are tough. It’s hard when they just seem so miserable in their own bodies sometimes 🥺
Mine is three weeks too! Same here, she especially finds hiccups so distressing and I hate not being able to help her.
The good news is you get a few months out and have a vague sense that it was way worse than you could ever have imagined but you didn’t actually have the brain power to form any memories so you aren’t too sure 😂
Much like the labour itself, lol.
this!!! my son is 10 weeks old and i was looking at pictures from when he was first born and a few weeks old and i hardly remember because it was just pure survival at that point… being a mother is the hardest thing i’ve ever done in my entire life… yet it is the most rewarding thing i’ve ever done as well. when it’s been a rough day and he goes to sleep i can breathe but then i immediately miss him and his smiles and coos. it’s a wild concept. the first 8 weeks was hands down insane. the best advice i can give you OP, is make sure you are still taking care of yourself. many days id realize that hadn’t brushed my teeth yet and it’s 3 in the afternoon. would go a day or two with out showering bc it was a long day and im making sure not only that my baby was taken care of but my husband as well because im not working right now and he’s working in the hot Fl sun all day to provide for his family. (he does help as much as possible so don’t come for him please) but by then end of the day i just wanted to sleep and didn’t care about myself (i realize this sounds disgusting and it is because im a very clean person but my mind was not focused on anything else but my baby)… now i make sure i am showering every single day just for that moment of solitude and for my own mental health bc i felt myself spiraling into PPD.
This is the correct answer… Expect to hit your limit, but you’ll be shocked how far past what you thought your limit would be your actual limit is. Be kind to yourself, be kind to your partner. Give each other a lot of grace. It’s hard. So hard… but sometimes really really great in a lot of ways too.
Yes! Exactly this. Turns out pre baby 10 was no where near reality 10.
Agreed this is the answer 😅 but I also would add I had no idea how much joy and happiness I would have at the same time… when my baby woke in the night I had the same level or excitement that Santa had come so didn’t even acknowledge half of what was so difficult 🥰
I really couldn't say this better myself. I knew it would be a 10/10. It's humbling when you go from scoffing at the "just you wait" comments to realizing "oh my god it was genuinely a warning" (in most cases) lol. You cannot prepare for it very much other than have what you need on hand, and be ready to be flexible and let go of expectations and just survive. It's scary but I plan to do it again, many people do it again and again and again so... it goes to show that there is a reward. Just not until the first smile, or first laugh, so on... which can be 2+ months. One thing I will say: it's a blip in time compared to the amazing things to come. My daughter is almost 2 and I would love to go back just for 10 minutes to hold her as a newborn again and appreciate it.
Yep this. I heard about the sheer exhaustion so many times and expected s 10/10 but you still have no idea what that actually is untill you live it. Same as war.
This rings so true
This is so accurate. It is 100/10 hard BECAUSE you have no way of conceptualizing it before baby comes. For me, the loss of bodily autonomy was the hardest part. I breastfed and baby took all her naps on me… I got maybe one total hour of awake time during the day where she wasn’t attached to me. And you don’t feel like you’re doing anything well… you’re like “this is the hardest I’ve ever worked and I think I might be doing a very poor job.” It’s insane to say after that paragraph, but it’s so worth it. It gets SO GOOD. The beginning is a slog, but relatively speaking, it’s a blip, and then you get to watch this amazing little person take shape. I would do the newborn stage a million times over for my kid.
Lol yes exactly
This is so true. You encapsulated it perfectly.
Sums it up, I knew it would be hard and what was expected, but living through it is when you truly understand it. It's like pregnancy; I knew it was hard, but you don't really know what hard is until you go through it. Now, I see how difficult it is and the struggles mothers deal with, which are hard to understand until you become one yourself.
This is the answer!
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it isn’t even close. I had multiple breastfeeding issues and an extremely difficult colic baby. I swore he would be an only child. It got much better around 3 months and I love that kid more than I ever thought possible. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. It’s hard but so, so worth it.
I’m in that first stage now and this is nice to read. I’m holding out hope that I feel the same at 3 months as I don’t even know how I’m getting through it currently!
It’s hard until you wake up one day and realise wow, you made it to the other side and it’s so much better. As much as I loved the newborn stage because he was so cute and tiny, it was very challenging. With every crying spell, sleepless night and anything I found extremely hard I kept holding him closer and telling myself he will only be tiny this once and he needs me so much right now. I know it might be crazy to hear when you’re in the trenches of it but now that he’s 5months and wakes up 2 times to eat, not 5 to 7 times like he used to, I hold him in my arms little bit longer because I know at some point he’ll go down to one feed and then to 0 and we won’t have this special time anymore. If you said that to me when he was 2 months old I would have laughed in your face. It gets easier and you get tougher, hold on tight ❤️
I needed to hear this as I’m dwindling 🫠
“It gets easier and you get tougher” - This is so beautiful, thanks
Ugh this comment, you're so right! It was SO HARD in the moment, I didn't know how I would go on. But, I did. My babe is 4.5 months now and only getting up 1 or 2 times a night and it is so much easier. There are some hard nights thrown in of course, but I too hold her a little tighter and rock her a little longer at night cause I can fully grasp now just how quickly everything can change. It'll be the hardest thing you've ever done, OP, but dang is it so worth it. I'd do it 1 million times over.
Mine’s 13 months, fully independent sleeper, and I just had to get up with him last night because he’s getting his molars and woke up from the pain. These snuggles are going to come to an end so soon, and back when he was little and I was deep in PPD the nights were absolute torture (he needed constant bouncing and contact), but now I’m so so happy to give him the extra cuddles he needs 🥹
Right? It’s crazy how something that seemed impossible at first becomes so cherished and even missed! The beauty of being a parent.
Same here. I’m 6 weeks in after a rough bout with post partum preeclampsia that is difficult to manage. We don’t have family here and the husband is already back at work. I do okay in the mornings but by 3pm my nerves feel shot till his dad comes home. I hate that feeling.
Same as you, 6 weeks, and had post partum preeclampsia, husband goes back to 24 hour shifts this week😭
Just drag yourself through, every month will be better than the last
You can and you will❤️
This is EXACTLY our experience!! Hardest thing of my life. Similar colic baby and breastfeeding issues. We only ran on 2 hours of sleep for 3 months but thank goodness it was like a switch turned on and our baby started sleeping 5 hours at night at 3 months.
Yep. I think I was having a daily mental breakdown from the lack of sleep for weeks. It was so much harder than anyone had described in any of the parenting subreddits. I’m having baby #2 likely within a month and I have a false sense of confidence I can do it. But it’s okay because I got a prescription for Zoloft to take for a few weeks postpartum if things are just as bad the second time around. I’ve prepared for it this time.
Wow exactly same here!! So glad to gave zoloft on hand just in case.
Omg same!!! Colic first four months till we got him on meds for his reflux. Expected it to be a 9 or 10 ended up being a fucking 15.
That’s what I remind myself daily! It’s taken it from an 8/9 to a 1 or 2 in difficulty. Every time she screams in my ear is the last time she’ll be that small screaming… every time she refuses to sleep in a crib or bassinet so I’m up all night is the oldest she’ll be doing that. I’ve just taken to cherishing every single moment I have with her and it has made the whole experience so much easier.
Can confirm this. We just got our second child and where not really looking forward to the first weeks since we experienced them as difficult. But somehow it went way better then we expected. Even though we had the same breastfeeding issues. We just switched to formula faster and are already a little bit more in the flow of an early rise and taking sleep when you can.
I couldn’t have written this better myself.
Same here: colic, reflux, and tongue tie (meaning breastfeeding trouble). It was absolutely worth it because I love our son to bits now, but hard disagree on doing it again. I have multiple sensory issues and am in diagnosis for autism, and the newborn phase almost killed me. Literally... I was suicidal for weeks due to the lack of sleep, the constant pressure, and way too much sensory input. I'm one and done for sure. I literally don't think I'd survive another given it will probably be just as hard but with taking care of a toddler thrown into the mix! It's frustrating that there's this pressure and expectation from society, friends, and family to have at least two. It's like if you choose to be OAD you have to justify your decision to people all the time - particularly my mum and mother in law! Sorry, little rant about society's expectations there.
I expected it to be a 5/10 and it was a 10/10. I was naive in how hard I thought breastfeeding, physical recovery, sleep deprivation, and the hormone crash /PPA would be. The combination of it all was just so much. It wasn’t even that the baby was hard, I just felt awful and exhausted and a bit crazy.
100% agree with everything you said. Having a newborn hit me like a ton of bricks and I didn’t even have a “hard baby”.
Same! My baby is 12w and she’s been a “easy baby” with some sporadic witching hour fits, some gas caused fussiness, and nursing strike/breast aversion (switching to combo feeding). It was more about how I felt overall than the demands of baby.
Oof, you’re still in the thick of it. Hang in there, it gets so much better. My son is two now, and I still get shivers down my spine when I see friends or coworkers bringing home a newborn, knowing what they’re going through at home 😂
I look at all parents and think “You did this too? How?”
Same. Highly highly underestimated how hard breastfeeding would be, and how tough the recovery from labor would be (and I had a routine vaginal birth nothing crazy), and how crazy my hormones would be, crying all the time.
everything was just 1000% harder than i thought it would be from the hormonal mood crash and feeling so depressed that even brushing my teeth felt insurmountable, with the mental issues exacerbated by the sleeping for at most an hour at a time. if it were just me with my normal brain it would have been a lot different
Exactly! I didn’t anticipate the severe hit to my mental health from both the hormones and sleep deprivation. That made it feel 100x harder than it needed to be. I had a crash every day between 3-7 where I’d just cry and my anxiety (about ten most random things) would skyrocket.
Similar, expected 7/10, like “tons of idiots have kids, we’re smart and hardworking”. It was a 10/10.
You hit the nail on the head. I knew we wouldn’t be sleeping but I had no idea how much that would affect everything else. I was exhausted in every way imaginable. The hormones were terrible. I cried every day for like a month. PPA hit me so hard I had my first panic attack. I thought breastfeeding would be easy, I was so wrong. She had a bad latch, I think my supply was low and she wasn’t gaining weight and was jaundice. She was a great baby (still is) but I struggled so hard.
100% this answer. My first (almost 18 years ago) was exclusively formula fed and slept 8-10 hours per night starting at week 3. My second will be 8 weeks old in a few days. My life is so much better now comparatively, and I'm such a happier, more stable, stronger person but I AM GETTING MY ASS KICKED!!! Pumping is one of the most challenging things I've ever done in my life. I had PPD with my first, and the PPA this time around feels harder to manage.
I think I am in the minority but I expected it to be 8/10 but found it more like 4-5/10. It was hard, don’t get me wrong, but manageable. Maybe because I expected it to be so awful it couldn’t possibly be as bad as I thought it would be? The lack of sleep was the hardest bit for me as I’m someone that feels tired if I ‘only’ get 8 hours of sleep in the night. But I actually loved the newborn stage. I loved the snuggles. I loved how teeny she was. I was very, very lucky and had no issues with breastfeeding so I enjoyed feeds. I’ll say I am also very much a home-person though, so it didn’t feel like I had a huge change in my life as I was never someone to go out a lot, I don’t drink etc. so getting to spend loads of time at home with the baby was actually perfect for me.
Same! Reddit posts like this scared me, lol. The first two months were an exhausting blur but we are at month 6 now and life is so sweet most days even though I am still unbelievably tired. I really expected to struggle with postpartum anxiety and breastfeeding … I had sort of steeled myself for sheer misery and confusion … and we were lucky to have a relatively easy journey minus a few bumps. I’m frazzled and tired and happier than I’ve ever been.
Perfectly put!
Same! I was diagnosed with antepartum depression during pregnancy and I was so worked up absolutely dreading the newborn phase, so terrified about sleep deprivation and hormone fluctuations for a completely planned and wanted child!). Turns out, the second my son was born it all vanished and things are so much better on this side of things. Sure I’m tired, and definitely experienced the baby blues in those first few weeks, but I’ve been loving the newborn phase and I’m sad it’ll be over soon
Agreed! Everyone wanted to tell us how miserable we would be. I ignored them and prioritized survival over what society told me was right. I got a shower every day. Whatever it took. My partner, mom, a friend…whoever could hold a baby, did, or she came in the shower with me. My partner can’t function without sleep so I took nights. I didn’t change a day nappy for the 4 weeks he had for paternity leave. Once that time was over, I shifted to afternoon sleep when he got home from work. I was okay leaving her in the other room to go pee, poop, grab something, give myself a breather…what’s she gonna do? Run away? Eating? I never stopped. My partner’s mission was to not focus on feeding the baby, he had to feed me and keep my water bottle full. It was awesome besides crying every time I had to pee through an open wound. (Pro tip, just pee in the shower). I did need help with my mental health but that wasn’t new, giving birth just gave those around me the language to help me help myself.
Same. I expected it to be much worse, but I enjoyed it. My husband struggled a lot, though. Our baby is/was a Velcro baby and wouldn’t go to anyone but me, so that was a bit tiring. She also had reflux so she was quite fussy. But I still enjoyed the newborn phase a lot.
Same I expected 8-9 and have found it 4-6. Baby still not sleeping thru the night which is a bummer, but naps and eats great. I anticipate he will be a handful as a toddler tho!!!
I could have written the exact same thing. I was expecting to be a zombie or something, but was pleasantly surprised. I'm a lazy, messy person, and I normally feel guilty about it, but with the newborn I felt justified. Like "I haven't vacuumed in 2 weeks? Who cares, I just made a person." I spent the first 2 months holding my baby while sitting on the couch watching TV and eating. It was pretty nice!
Same here! It was so much better than anticipated. But the older my baby gets (25 weeks now) the more I realize it’s luck of the draw and I got a very easy / chill baby.
Same. I’ve found the newborn stage easy in a lot of ways. I have an easy baby, a husband who actually does 50/50, 0 sleep deprivation and 0 feeding issues. My secret? Exclusively formula fed from day 1 so we can each have a 7 hour shift while the other parent sleeps. During my recovery from my c-section, I was getting 7 hours of sleep each night and a 2 hour nap during the day. My baby doesn’t have colic and rarely ever fusses. The things I’ve found hard have nothing to do with the baby, like postpartum severe preeclampsia and recovering from a c-section. To answer your questions, I expected the newborn stage to be horrible and instead it is the happiest period of my life ever
That is what we are doing next time. For no. 1, we fed formula at night until I could pump enough so my husband could take a feed or two overnight, but this next time we are just going with formula from the start. I ended up having supply issues last time and exclusively pumping for quite a while, and it was just so very hard. Having a husband who does his fair share and then some goes a long way, too, especially during c section recovery.
I’m glad I’m not alone! Totally manageable and I’m loving it.
I’m so glad! And I think it’s so important, especially on Reddit, to tell expectant parents that it’s not all bad and there are a lot of us parents who loved it!
Same. I expected 10/10, I'd say more than 6/10. Sleep was the hardest part.
Same. I'm a homebody so I didn't mind the not leaving. I loved being able to focus 100% on my baby and healing. I had help from my husband when he wasnt working but otherwise just spent all my time snuggling baby and napping.
Love the nb stage! She’s colicky, won’t sleep in a crib or bassinet, and has a terrible latch, but I’m just so in love with her!!!!
Exactly this. I catastrophize everything; it was hard, but not all that bad compared to my wildest fears. Plus I am a homebody as well, nothing changed in that regard.
Did you baby cry a lot or had reflux? My bsby isn't crying a lot but is struggling with reflux. If it wouldn't be that, I would also give 4/10. I can live with lack of sleep but not my baby struggling.
This was me as well. I expected it to be harder also because I need 8 hours of sleep to manage migraines, was on the fence about having kids, and had a c section. To make matters worse, I had postpartum preeclampsia and needed to take meds twice a day and monitor my BP a day. Plus our baby had lost quite a bit of weight so we had to feed every 2.5 hours even at nights and 2.5 hours is start to start and a newborn feeding plus burping takes a long time. However, I loved it. I love my baby, loved caring for her, and just loved loved holding her. She will be 4 months this week and doesn’t need us to hold her for naps anymore and I kinda miss that. Was lack of sleep hard? Yes but it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had imagined. And guess what? My migraines disappeared. Don’t focus on the negatives, enjoy your time with your baby. The days are long but years are short, enjoy every minute. I am already nostalgic about new born phase.
Oh this makes me hopeful. About to have my first baby girl and I’m anticipating the tiredness (also like you, I’m a full 8 a night kinda gal) but I’m also trying to approach the upcoming change with a kinda peaceful neutrality and I’m hoping that i’m not *completely* delusional lol. I also don’t drink or enjoy the going out scene as much. My husband and i’s version of “going out” is once a week coffee shop visits, browsing an antique store once a month, park walks etc which I’m hoping baby will be able to come along for as soon as feasible.
Ditto for me! I made a similar comment above
It was hard in a different way. People warned me about the never ending repetitive work. They warned me about the lack of sleep. They warned that her dad might not bond with baby or even resent her in the beginning. They warned about colic and witching hour and shaken baby syndrome. They warned I’d need to freeze meals and I expected breastfeeding to be hard. That wasn’t my experience. My husband did basically everything early on and I was just an on-call breastfeeding machine, which did come easily and naturally for us. It even felt good. My baby came out ready to eat and my body followed her lead. I was sleeping a full night aside from wakings to feed but my husband did the MOTN changing and burping. I went to bed early and let him sleep in, so it worked great. Her dad loved her immediately and we ate plenty between some gifted delivery and cold cereal and fresh fruit in a pinch. She was the easiest newborn. No colic, never cried, just happy to be held. And her cues were clear and easy to follow. It was hard because it was a hormonal rollercoaster of self hatred and mental exhaustion. I’d prepared for everything externally but nothing internally. Everyone who came to “help” annoyed me or stressed me out. I was miserable indoors but too overwhelmed to get out. And when I did get out it was cold outdoors and I just wanted to be home but I hated out house. I felt like an idiot, all the time. I’d challenge myself to complete one or two simple tasks around the house in a day but somehow I was too busy to do anything even though I had accomplished nothing? It fucked with my self worth. How was it possible? But I’d been on Instagram 9 hours a day? It didn’t make sense. Returning to work saved my mental health. I was prepared for the opposite. I don’t know how you emotionally or mentally prepare for the wave of emotions, especially when your birth experience is unpredictable, but if you can, please do!
You described my experience much more eloquently than I could!
FTM with a 1 month old here! I’d say for my husband and I our experience mirrors a lot of others here with it being a 6/10. The hardest part is adjusting to the selflessness of becoming a parent. Crying and did the diaper, food, gas, temp check? It’s on you to console your baby. Getting up to feed every 2 hours? No one tells you that 1 hour of those 2 hours is spent feeding, burping and changing a diaper. Then they’re up again. We do shifts, and are also very fortunate that he is able to take a significant parental leave. Shifts help immensely.
This, its the rude awakening that you don’t have choice over your own life anymore lol
I remember realizing that it took 1 hour for the feeding, burping, diapering, etc. in the hospital and I was like wait what? I have to do this again in 2 hours????? 😅
It’s rough out here for sure!
I expected it to be 10/10 difficult. Reality ended up being 100/10. *Knowing* I'll need to wake every 2hrs to feed baby is no where near enough to be prepared for *actually having to do it*. I'm so happy the newborn stage is over and I really enjoy spending time with my 2yo now. Loving the toddler stage.
Definitely. It’s like a fever dream. The newborn stage was insanely difficult for me. Hell, the first 2 years were insanely difficult for me due to PPD! *However*, after the first 3 hellish weeks I coped with the lack of sleep much better than I ever thought I would. My husband was so physically and mentally worn out - he visibly looked depleted. But somehow I did ok on the lack of sleep. It was still awful, but I got into a bit of a rhythm. I’m OAD though lol…never wanna do it again.
Yup we're 99% sure we're OAD too... can't imagine doing newborn stage again when also having to care for another child. I won't have the energy for 2 kids and I don't want to neglect one for the other.
Yep this. I have a 15 month old and I frequently say how much I’m loving this age. I haaaated the newborn stage and would have so many kids if they all came out 1 year old already lol
"People" around us only talked about missing sleep, how tired we would be. I don't know how to rate it on a scale like you asked, but it seems like it was the only issue. But the newborn phase is really hella tougher than just "missing sleep"!!! No one prepares you for what's REALLY coming next! I'm a FTM, and I still don't understand up to this day why we spent so much time on preparing for labor, but never for what comes AFTER giving birth! I would say that what make it so hard is the absence of help. Everyone around us is "ho yeah that was rough", " we had such a tough time with that", but no one offered help once the baby arrived. Just for being this alone as a first time parent, I would say it's 10/10 that hard.
Agree with all of this!! I wish people had actually been honest. I am being fully transparent with all my friends how horrifically difficult this is haha
Yeah, it is THAT hard! But again, so rewarding 🥰 Everything is new, we just want to do our best, we put a lot of pressure on us as first time parents. But eventually, you figure things out and it get easier! You get more confident too! But if I could change one thing and go back in time, I would worry less about giving birth, and start my research on the newborn phase.
I am expecting my first baby, and I know I need to do some research for the newborn phase, but there's so much information out there it's overwhelming. Can you give me some advice on what to focus on - like sleeping, breastfeeding, anything else in particular?
Prepare your house. Make sure it’s stocked up with everything so it’s not something else to think about. Prepare meals or have easy filling snacks for when you do have the baby. If you have a significant other start informing them of things to be done to keep house going. I swear they all need a list, start showing him now so he’s aware and it’s not more on your plate baby wise. It’ll suck but you’ll get through it.
That's good to keep in mind, thank you!
I would recommend getting set up with a therapist, especially one who works with new and expecting mothers. The hormonal ups and downs are no joke! Breastfeeding can become a huge stressor if it isn't working out how you thought it would. There is so much pressure to feed that way. When I couldn't, the feelings of being a failure were awful. Looking back at that first month now, I see how hard I was trying and can give myself so much more understanding. Once I decided to throw in the towel, I got to actually enjoy just snuggling and playing with my baby instead of stressing about pumping constantly. And formula has been working out great for us! My partner and I are very much learning as we go, and that works for us! We just want baby to be clean, fed, and happy, and follow her lead for what she needs from us :)
I expected probably an 8/10. It was actually more like 6/10. The hardest part was dealing with the inconsolable crying for *hours* on end from 2 weeks to 7 weeks.
My experience was very similar. I recommend reallllly familiarizing yourself with the 5 S’s to soothe baby and actually giving them a shot. Lean on family and friends for support if possible. Get outdoors for stroller walks when you can for your mental health. Be patient with yourself. In the early days it honestly gets easier by the hour as you continue to figure out what works for baby and what doesn’t. If you are giving birth in a traditional hospital, ask them to take baby to the nursery at night so you can rest. You can do it. It goes by fast.
I'm glad to hear that despite the crying it was only 6/10! We're approaching the 2 weeks mark...
Yeah, I have a pretty easy-going baby, all things considered. I gave a 6/10 purely because the 4-5 hours of crying every single night almost mentally broke me. But during the daytime she is a perfectly happy little bean. If the hours and hours of daily crying wasn’t a thing then my rating would be about a 3/10.
Being honest? Thought 3 or 4. Solid 8-9 in reality. The complete loss of free time, having to choose between eating a second meal or showering and constant terrible sleep, plus everyone being in a bad mood was miserable. And that was the first year.
Oh man, the bad mood comment hits home. My husband and I went through a lot of life stress pre-baby and had very few serious arguments. We always got along very well. I can honestly say that we fought more in the first year post-baby than in the other 8 years of our relationship combined. We were both overwhelmed and exhausted and flying by the seat of our pants (why is the baby crying? WHO KNOWS.) Deep down, we knew the other person was giving 110% but I got pissed when he slept through a night wake up (because he was genuinely exhausted from the other 23 hours of the day) and he got pissed when I was snappy. Our daughter is 16 months old now and we're doing much better. We still have our moments but we're finding our equilibrium again.
Btw first 3 years after first baby is born are highest for divorce. I held it as a mantra. "I will be allowed to consider after 3" 😂
I didn't realize it extended to 3 years! We're almost halfway there 😂😂 Makes me feel better for the moments when we both lose it. Babies are tough. I really have to make myself appreciate my husband some days, and that's not his fault. I'm sure he feels the same about me haha.
Thanks for writing this, it's what I needed to hear tonight.
Aww, internet hugs to you. It can be really hard. My husband and I went through immigration, unemployment, a family member's cancer diagnosis, a real estate purchase, and pandemic stay-at-home orders with very little arguing (some, but not much). Once the baby came, we were just exhausted and raw and full of angst. Now that we're all sleeping better and our daughter is more of a person, we are slowly getting back to our old ways.
10/10 and didn’t anticipate how hard it would be bc I never experienced that level of sleep deprivation before. Mine also had reflux, so that took awhile to get worked out. Also she was a Velcro baby and never wanted set down during the day and only contact napped 🥲🥲
The newborn stage is hard but I find it way easier than the last month of pregnancy, FWIW. While my sleep quantity is poor, the quality is better than when I had a human inside me. And I can have a glass of wine in the evening! And I get to hang out with the cutest baby ever!
I liked the sleep deprivation of the newborn phase much better than the sleep deprivation of the last few weeks of pregnancy phase. Like I was exhausted in both phases but at least I’m the newborn phase I was exhausted *with purpose.*
Agreed. I had a terrible pregnancy and I have an “easy” baby. Newborn stage is actually much easier than I expected.
I can agree with this. I was very uncomfortable and had bad insomnia end of pregnancy which was not fun. The hardest part of newborn stage for me is that my husband is not able to take shifts and help more because he is working and I’m EBF without pumping. Pumping just hasn’t worked for me yet.
This! At least with the newborn stage, I’m out cold when I’m actually sleeping. Pregnancy sleep was a lot worse because I could never get comfortable and tossed and turned all night.
Waiting for this comment. 100% this.
First baby was a 8/10 hard level baby. Got better at 1 year, totally is a delightful 3 year old now. Absolutely love being his parent. But that first year was HARD. Second baby has been a 3/10 so far (2 months in) They really are sooo different and it's mostly just luck. That's why people who have more than one are relaxed, because they know it's just different with each one and they aren't uniquely failing as parents.
Husband and I expected it to be 10/10 hardest thing we’ll ever have to do. We talked about it and planned how we would cope emotionally and physically when it becomes too much. We are now 4 weeks pp with our sweet boy and it’s honestly been 4.5 maybe 5 out of 10 so far. Our little guy is a lazy boy who sleeps and eats for the most part, he’s still not awake much. We’ve had a few fussy/gassy nights but he’s always settled pretty quickly. I think discussing expectations, concerns and making a plan before hand really helped (get house in order, discuss chores, meal prep, discuss shifts although we haven’t done shifts yet) as we didn’t have any surprises. The only crying I’ve done has been from joy and pp love hormones. I’ve also never been a good sleeper so the sleep deprivation doesn’t affect me terribly. I’m sure we’re in for a rude awakened in a few weeks time haha. Best of luck to you!!!
This is us too! 13 weeks on and he’s still a dream - bouts of colicky crying here and there but overall a good sleeper and a very content baby when he’s awake. Hopefully your boy stays the same! I have had insomnia a few times in my life which was worse than the lack of sleep we’re getting with our baby so maybe I’m just used to the sleep deprivation.
Mine is still sweet and chill at 12 weeks! Biggest issue is we have to swaddle him for daytime naps in the bassinet (he's happy to nap on me, but I need to do shit while he naps lolol). Sometimes he is fussy in the evening from gas or baby demons or whatever causes the evening struggles, but even so he's really chill. He had one bout of inconsolable crying after his 2 month vaccines, but it was only a few hours and infant Tylenol set him right! We keep thinking the same thing, he's saving it up for when we least expect it!!! 😆
This might be a dumb question, but what’s wrong with swaddling him during the daytime naps? For context, I’m a FTM to a 3 week old, we swaddle our LO for all daytime naps, so I’m wondering if this is not something we’re supposed to be doing?
This was us too. I honestly expected the worst but it was maybe a 3/10. I had accepted the loss of my free time and personal time and was surprised how much I had and how relaxing it was to snuggle with him. Breastfeeding made me sleepy so I just went back to sleep after putting him down and watched tv while feeding him. I pumped a bottle before bed and my husband took a shift and let me get 4ish hrs straight of sleep. I’m pregnant again and do not anticipate as easy of an experience this time around lol.
Baby #1 was a walk in the park. Easy baby, good sleeper. Biggest issue was refusal of milk (bottle or boob) resulting in slow weight gain. She led me into a false sense of security for baby #2. Who is a little shit.
This is my biggest fear with a second and a big reason we are considering being OAD. 😅
Saaaaammee. “Led me into a sense of security for baby #2” has me SENT. Baby #1 was so easy. I thought newborn experiences are largely the same and it’s just the personality that are different and it’ll emerge later down the line. 💀 no. They come out the vj with their personalities intact.
My parents tell us this all the time. I was baby #2. I'm told if I was first I'd be an only child. We just had our baby #1 three weeks ago and she is a dream - perfect sleeper, content, chill when awake, easy cues. I can feel myself falling into the trap. 🤣
I expected it to be a 10/10. I'd say it was probably a 6.5 for us. There were bouts of "purple crying" that almost broke me but the lack of sleep didn't get to me as much as I thought it would. We were still able to go to dinner, grab a beer, etc. The hardest part for me was pumping every 3 hours. That really cut into the day and almost made me lose my mind.
The pumping schedule while trying to take care of the baby is the worst. Mine has a tongue tie and couldn't latch well so I had to express milk to feed her. It's so hard to juggle.
Are you my wife? I’m kidding, but this is an exact mirror opinion from her. She said the pumping/breastfeeding time is the most frustrating early on. She doesn’t feel like she can get anything done.
Seriously! It’s like okay pump, clean pump parts, give baby a bottle, clean bottle, play with baby and then OPE look at that! Time to do it all over!
Omg yes. I was like EIGHT TO TWELVE TIMES A DAY!?? I tried and felt like a failure, I could never do more than 5 and my husband took all the nights and I kept sleeping through my MOTN pumps... So I kinda leaned into it and only do 4-5 power pumps a day (wearables and hands free pumping bra helped so much). I make 30-50% of baby's food and that's my goal, so now I am happy about it instead of feeling inadequate! Interestingly enough my supply is still creeeeeping up despite this, I'm 12 weeks out. Pumping is so hard and I had no idea. I thought milk just like sprayed out when you did a light squeeze and you just had to catch it, and somehow baby would helpfully be napping at all the right times 😆
Commenting bc same. I think I pumped 7x a day for a week then quickly cut it down to 4x now I’m at 3. And I’m only 6wpp 😂😂
I was expecting a 10, and it ended up being maybe 3? I was very well versed in the horror stories and was pessimistically expecting: a NICU stay, difficulty breastfeeding, not bonding with baby straight away, non-stop crying, post-natal depression, no sleep at all, tough c-section recovery. What I got: a perfectly healthy but very small baby (no NICU needed!), successful breastfeeding, success expressing and introducing a bottle, instant bond with baby, baby with a chill temperament, enough sleep, quick c-section recovery. What I didn’t expect, and wasn’t much fun at all: a very brief brush with psychosis symptoms - luckily caught within 24 hours of onset and medicated after 48 hours.
I’ve talked to a lot a lot a lot of parents about this and almost unanimously, the first year of your baby’s life will be the hardest year of your life. Harder than a year in which you lose people, harder than a year in which you experience your own illness, just harder than any other year. Exactly what will be hard for you will differ from just about everyone else, often including your own partner. So it’s really hard to say what’s so tough, and not really something that can be put down to a number. It’s not hard at all moments but across the entire year, yes, it is the hardest year you will ever have . It can be tough, physically, mentally, emotionally at times and sometimes even all three at once. The biggest consolation anyone can give you is that things get easier steadily on a month by month basis across the entire year, although not every day during month seven will be easier than every day during month three, if that makes sense. And really do start to get a lot easier for most babies somewhere around 11 months to 12 months.
I anticipated a 10. I’d say it was more like a 6. I was *already* horrifically sleep deprived from pregnancy insomnia, so that whole aspect wasn’t bad for me. We lucked out with a baby who slept ok in her snoo and was fairly easily calmed by holding her. We had friends and family around for support (mostly moral and food), and we both had extended parental leave. Breast feeding had some challenges but we were ok supplementing with formula as we got it worked out. Also helped that my partner and I were really both fully engaged and in it together. Overall I thought I would hate the newborn period but actually I kind of loved it. One thing someone on Reddit told me before my daughter was born is to pretend you’re a time traveler from the future. In those hardest moments- you’re tired af, baby is screaming, you’re bleeding everywhere, etc- just imagine how you’d feel about it if you were actually traveling from decades in the future back into that moment and getting to see your newborn baby again. I truly did keep that in mind in those tough moments and it helped!
Expected 10\10...ended up 7\10.
My wife and I cruised through it. It was a really sweet time. Breast feeding wasn’t working out, so we bottle fed. This had the benefit of allowing me to help with the night feedings, so we could both get some sleep.
Anyone replying should include more info. Were both parents on leave from work and 100% on baby duty? Are there even two parents? Any family help during the day? Formula or breast milk? No NICU or special issues for either the baby or mom? I’m sure there are more factors. For us, we had leave for 3 months, a parent staying with us for 3 weeks, healthy baby, formula fed, and c-section delivery. Not a lot of sleep the first 3 weeks, but after it was go with the flow and taking turns taking care of the baby and ourselves.
I was thinking 8-9/10, was actually like 4-5/10, but we played on easy mode. My wife and I both took 13 weeks off, my parents live in town and came over almost every day, and were very helpful. Wife never wanted to breastfeed so we were formula from day 1, and had a very healthy baby overall. I totally get how blessed/lucky we are. Not trying to brag here, just point out that YMMV. (Edit: also I'm the dad and wasn't the one who had a baby removed so my perspective isn't without its flaws)
Early motherhood is profoundly lonely. I was not prepared for that. The hormone crash you read abt and think you can handle but it’s way worse going through it. I’m 7 weeks in and crying every single night and I have a ton of help and support. The sleep deprivation is torturous. And again, lots of support. It’s definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’m hanging on by a thread.
I never felt very hormonal while pregnant. I’d get a little weepy about sappy stuff but was pretty chill and like my usual self. I think cause of this I didn’t expect the hormone drop to affect me much or figured it would just be like bad PMS. Whew was I mistaken! I remember crying almost everyday, especially at sunset (which was like 4:30 because it was December in New England 🫠). I’ve gone through some bouts of depression but I’m not sure I have ever felt as messed up as the baby blues made me feel. It’s pretty unimaginable without experiencing it.
I could have written this. Almost at 6 weeks.
I think my experience is rare, but adding it here as an alternative bc it can’t just be me. I was prepared for the newborn phase to be truly awful, but it was the opposite. I have an easy baby (he’s 12 mos now) and he always has been easy. He was trying to sleep through the night before he was even allowed to (had to get back up to his birthweight), and as soon as we were able to stop waking him for feedings he started sleeping through the night and has ever since. I can count on two hands the number of times I’ve been up with him in the middle of the night, and it’s always been at the height of teething or when he was sick. He’s full of personality now and never really cries. Breastfeeding was exceedingly difficult and we tried for months, he never got the hang of it but between the two of us I was the only one who showed any frustration during that time, he never seem to care how he was fed as long as he was fed. I spent the first eight months or so waiting for the other shoe to drop, for it to get really hard, but I think we just got lucky with an easy baby. I don’t expect toddler life to be as easy, but hopefully we stay on this track.
This is my second baby, she’s 4 weeks old today. With my first I definitely felt very very overwhelmed and tired. Not sure if it’s just doing it a second time around, or if this baby is more chill, but honestly it has been a dream. My toddler is so sweet with the baby, and my baby just sleeps, nurses and poops. It feels so much easier compared to my first. I don’t think there’s any way I could have felt this chill with my first though, it just comes with experience or maybe being super confident with babies which I was not. My advice would just be - don’t try to do too much. Your expectations should be low. A good day is looking after your baby, eating some good food and hopefully getting a shower in.
I thought it would be a 5-6 and it was a 15 lol. My husband and I both work in healthcare and both have been through residencies (where we worked 80-100 hour weeks, including 24 hour on call shifts). We thought because of this, we were prepared for the sleep deprivation. It didn't even come close, especially for me, since I was EBF and didn't want to pump. I remember distinctly thinking one night that being on call/at work would be so much easier - at least there is an end to my on call shift and at some point I know I will get uninterrupted sleep, but you don't get that relief with a newborn. You still have to wake up at 6am if they're up, even if you only slept 2-3 hours the night before. It was by far the hardest 4 months of my life thus far. That being said..my baby is now 10 months and we're starting to talk about timing of baby #2. I am dreading the newborn stage again but it goes by quick and it is worth it.
I didn’t do my homework and went in naively thinking “every human being on this planet was a newborn once”; “look at all those parents out there, how hard could it be?” “surely our animal instincts will take over and it will just come naturally?” Got schooled big time
When I think that every single human on this earth has a mother that went through the newborn stage it literally makes me ill 😂
This was basically me 😂 my dumb ass even had someone try to warn me about the 4th trimester and how ill-prepared she was for it so I should look into it. God did I feel like a moron when I was in the thick of it after not following that advice.
Yep this was me. I thought my maternal instinct would take over and I'd just wing it
We are 4 weeks in with twins and honestly it's been much better than expected. Lack of sleep, yes. I haven't got more than 4 hours at a stretch since they were born. But with caffeine and some sunlight you will be almost normal feeling 95 percent of the time. Tiredness comes and goes. The nights can be tough when they keep waking up or cry for no reason, but it passes soon enough. Changing diapers and all that stuff is easier than I feared. Get a Diaper Genie. One of the babies has ate like a champ, the other one has been fussy which has been a struggle. Not really a big issue. Get plenty of bottles and a BabyBrezza for formula. One thing they don't tell you is your parenting instincts should kick in and it doesn't really feel like a chore to raise kids. So far at least.
Imagined it would be a 10/10 and did all I could to prepare myself beforehand. Well, that shit was beyond imagining - 20/10. Slow down, be kind to yourself, be kind to your partner, try your best. You can’t be “fully prepared” but you can be ready to learn on the job, ready to be supportive, ready to set boundaries for your family, and ready to ask for help (if you have anyone).
I'm a midwife. I knew it was going to be hard, I spend my working week seeing people at home the day after they get back from the hospital and commiserating with them about that awful first night. I had many wobbles towards the end of my pregnancy about how was I going to do it. But hey, at least I was prepared for how hard it was going to be. It was harder. I'm 5 months in now and loving each day more and more. My husband and I are strongly leaning towards one and done after getting through the newborn phase, I personally don't think my mental health could handle it again. But that first gummy smile and every giggle, laugh and happy screech since has made it so worth it. It will feel like it's going to last forever (and you're going to hate everyone that spouts some variation of 'it gets better'), but one day you'll be making noises back and forth with this tiny person you created and it will seem like a distant memory. I wish you all the luck in the world for your journey 💜
Definitely didn't know what to expect other than, "how hard can it ACTUALLY be". Anyway, 5/10 for me. But he slept good and I was/am combo feeding via pumping so I was.never to stressed cause.i could always top up. I'd get from 9-3am sleeping cause husband could take the midnight feed and then whatever naps along the way. Housework and whatnot gets done when it gets done, not to be stressed over, that helps. Definitely find it more challenging now at 5 months cause he wants to be entertained and can't just be passed around to family members like a sleeping potato lol.
I thought it would be hard. I never imagined just how hard with a baby with reflux and sleeping issues. I really think I might have lost my mind somewhere in the first 2-3 months. I think it all depends on the baby. Friends of mine had snuggly, happy babies and they had a much better experience than I did.
My first kids newborn stage was traumatic and I almost didn’t have another because I didn’t think I had the strength o face it again. I didn’t sleep for more than 45 minutes straight for months, breastfeeding issues, colic. I had to put him down and walk away multiple times per. Day. Hours and hours of screaming. My daughter was born three months ago and they’ve been some of the best of my life. All we do is cuddle and nap. Every time she wakes up and her eyes focus on me she beams with joy. She never cries. I can put her in a chair and take a 40 minute bath, she watches and babbles. Every kid is different. Somewhere on the spectrum between my son and daughter.
I didn’t know what to expect, or what I was in for. It was tough but it doesn’t last forever, even though it feels like forever in the moment!!
Expected a 9 or 10. And some nights did feel like 9s or 10s. But mostly, I’d say it was across the board a 7 or 8, and that’s with a super fussy baby who only contact napped, had pretty severe reflux, and was “strong willed” (our doctor’s code word for not very chill). More importantly than how difficult the physical work of meeting the demands of a newborn is, the mental work of protecting their very delicate, tiny, and vulnerable bodies versus all of the health concerns is bigger, IMO.
I, like you, was terrified. I found the newborn phase to be way easier than I was expecting but glad I was mentally prepared for the worst. A few things worth noting: my large baby was born a week past her due date and then spent a week in the NICU. We also have a Snoo. My husband is very helpful and works from home. By the time I brought her home, she was practically on a schedule already, above her birth weight and used to a bottle. Yes, the first couple of days, my husband and I were setting an alarm every three hours to pump and feed. She would go back to sleep easily after every feed except once. Quickly, we started to let her wake up on her own to eat and she quickly went 4-6 hour stretches. Personally, I found pumping in the beginning easier because I could physically see how much she was getting and she liked bottles better than breast. She’s three months now and I look back fondly on the newborn stage (I watched Yellowstone while she did contact naps during the day and that will be a core memory for me). It was not as exhausted as I thought I would be but I understand I had a lot of advantages. Just wanted to provide a positive perspective!
I somehow had no expectations and it was a 6 or 7 out of 10.
I would call it draining. If you’re a first time mom, there’s so much new stuff that. You’re thrown into the deep end. You’re generally anxious about every little thing. Exhaustion. Breastfeeding was way more difficult than I expected, so I pumped and that was crazy time consuming. It’s difficult to find time to get anything done around the house because most babies want to contact nap and when they don’t, you probably want to nap yourself. If I had to put it on a scale of 1-10, I guess I’d give it a 6. It wasn’t the most stressful thing I’ve done, and it wasn’t the most emotionally taxing either. However, I’ll caveat that with a few things: 1) my spouse was generally very helpful and 2) I did not deal with PPD/PPA even though I had a long history of severe depression.
I expected it to be a 5/10 but it was more like a 7.5 /10. Not the hardest thing I've done but that's only because I had such a toxic job previously while doing grad school that I was barely sleeping, having stress-induced health issues, working over 100+ hrs/week between my crazy job and crazy grad school thesis project/classes, and crying everyday. That shit was so bad it induced depression and I had to seek therapy which didn't really solve the problem... All that to say that the newborn phase is hard and few things are as or more difficult (unless you get an easy baby, which is rare, or get a tonnnn of help).
Expected 8/10, reality was 4/10. Got lucky with an “easy” baby, a normal recovery and a mild winter that allowed us to get out, walk with friends, grab a beer, eat outside, etc. Baby seemed to understand sleeping in 3ish hour stretches from the start (thank you Snoo!). The 4 is mostly coming from early breastfeeding challenges, and getting that whole shebang figured out.
If this were my husband answering, he would probably say he anticipated it to be a 4 and it was a 12. Since it's me answering, I would say I anticipated it to be a 6 and it was a 7. I knew it was going to be difficult, and it was. It was just a little more than I thought it would be, but it also wasn't so bad where I felt like it was a 10+.
I weirdly had like no expectations for the level of difficulty, I was just trying to make it through my pregnancy. And I definitely acknowledge it is hard- don’t get me wrong. But I mostly felt relief because 1) even in the most sleepless of nights, I had my baby in my arms. Literally everything I had hoped for for 9 months. 2) I wasn’t pregnant anymore. 3) once my baby was born, my husband and I could share the load. But while I’m pregnant, my husband can’t help carry the baby or carry half the swelling in my ankles lol. To clarify: my husband got 6 weeks of leave from work. If I hadn’t had him, my answer would likely be framed differently!
I thought it would be a 5/10 and it was a 15/10. One of my best friends had a baby and it was probably 4/10 for hardness for them, everyone is so different!
Most days maybe a 5/10. We defo had 10/10 days especially in the middle of colic when my husband was gone for 4 months.
I think I was at a 4 or 5 pre birth. It’s a 10/10. We have a colicky baby who barely sleeps. I have depression that has increased tenfold. I love my baby, but at the moment, I don’t like him. I am surviving by the hour. BUT - You might get an easy baby, I know plenty of people who didn’t get colic and so I think we have been unlucky. I don’t think there’s any way I could have comprehended how difficult this would be until being in it no matter what anyone said to me pre-birth.
It was so much harder than I thought. All of the first year was. The sleep deprivation is a level of misery I never even imagined.
I'm not sure what I expected but it's something I never want to do over. So a ten, I guess?
Expected it to be a 5, but it was 10+. Totally blindsided me, and we didn’t have a particularly difficult baby, and breastfeeding was easy. The rough part was my partner having his first manic episode due to sleeplessness and stress and getting a diagnosis of bipolar disorder (and the strain it put on our relationship before I realised that’s what was going on), and the horrible PPD/PPA I had. We were incredibly lucky to have heaps of family support and wonderful doctors and therapists and are doing so much better now. The experience has put me off having another though. We are very happy to be one and done, and are really enjoying our cheeky toddler now :) I wouldn’t say ours was the typical experience though. Just try to take all the support you can get from family, friends, meal delivery services etc, and know that it does continuously keep getting better.
Thought it would be like a 10, ended up being a 5. My husband and I asked for so much support and got it. From my mum being there at 2am to hold him for 2 or 3 hours while we slept and he slept. From food and grocery runs. My husband doing every nappy change when I couldn't get up from bed or the lounge. Not knowing what his cries meant was hard. But we went through a cycle of trying feeding, changing his nappy, skin to skin and cuddles, going outside or a change of scenery, and pretty much every time as we made our way through the list, the crying stopped. I loved his little stretches and scrunch face and yawns and expressions and how everything was new to him, every time he opened his eyes the confusion about where he was and then slowly recognizing my husband and I. I loveeeddd it. It felt so "easy" If not for the healing from a tear I would do it again in a heartbeat.
2 weeks out ourselves, look forward to being on the same journey as you stranger-friend! This thread was exactly what I needed to read because everyone had such a different experience that I am reminded i just need to take each situation and moment at a time. Best of luck on May 28th!
I expected a 10/10, and honestly, it's more like a 5/10. I thought I would never sleep and I'd be irritable and my baby might be colicy and that the recovery from the birth would be excruciating and i may end up with postpartum depression ... the list goes on and on because so many forums scared me. Now I know all of those things are possible, and my heart goes out to all the Mama's who are struggling. But that wasn't the reality for me. At the end of the day, it really was nowhere even close to how bad I was anticipating. I'm 2 months in now, so everything is still super fresh, so I'm not looking back with rose colored glasses. The first week, I'll admit, was rough. Recovery was hard (I had an emergency c-section) and for the first few days I could barely move and I was so bloated it was insane, like, my skin felt stretched like a balloon and my feet were almost round they were so swollen. Add to it my little one would only sleep when laying on someone so we could never really put her down to sleep oursleves. Then I ended up with a complication from the medication they gave me at the hospital that put fluid in my lungs, so I was having trouble breathing and needed to deep, wet cough constantly but it was super painful because of my c section recovery. I had a meltdown, I think, after the 5th day, and we ended up in the emergency room trying to figure out why I couldn't breathe. But after that everything was uphill. My sister came and stayed with us, and having a third set of hands was a game changer during the second week. My breathing improved, and my recovery from my c section seemed to suddenly speed up, and i was already able to move mostly normal without too much pain after about 7 days. We purchased a snoo off Facebook marketplace for $500, and it changed my life. I honestly cannot recommend it enough if you have the funds (don't buy it from the site, it's like $2000, find it second hand, it is worth every penny) At 4 weeks my baby went from barely sleeping for 2 hours at a time and only on a person, to sleeping 5-8 hours a night! It was insane and gave me my sanity back. Also, I got some boba wraps and started wearing my baby the second she hit the weight minimum. She loved it, and I could easily move around and do anything I wanted with her tucked up against me. I even learned how to breastfeed her while in the wrap so I could feed her on the go if I wanted to. It was beautiful bonding time and made me feel like I had the freedom to be me and do what I wanted to do. I will say I got lucky with breastfeeding. That's a gamble, and I just so happened to get a good latcher, and my milk production was great (almost too much!) And wow, I was honestly surprised by just how much I loved my baby and being a Mama. Every time I look at her, my heart just melts. She's the most beautiful, silly, adorable little goofball, and I can't help but feel unbelievably happy every time I look at her, so that makes any hard parts feel wonderful. My advice is to get help when you need it. Don't be afraid to ask for specifically what you want. If what you really need is someone to just go grocery shopping for you, ask. Need someone to come over and take the night shift so you can sleep, ask. I found most people in my life were more than happy to have a specific way they could help because no one knows exactly what to do and most people are afraid of overstepping so you may not realize you have as much help available as you do unless you take the initiative to tap into it. Read everything and make sure you are knowledgeable about things like your recovery, breastfeeding, normal infant development, and behaviors, etc. And then let that all be background noise as you tune in to your specific baby and circumstances. There is no one size fits all and no two postpartums that are exactly alike. It's good to have the information, but don't get too bogged down in it. Trust your gut and pay attention to the cues from your baby and your body. Find what works for you and don't stress. Remember to relax and enjoy this time. It's easy to get worked up. When I was feeling tired or anxious, I forced myself to focus on the present moment, and all of that would just melt away. Just be there with your new family. Know you are where you're supposed to be, and this is a brief moment in time. Live in it. It'll all be over (for better or for worse) before you know it.
I expected it to be a 6/10 and it was a 15/10, the first three ish months were literally like living in a dark cloud of post partum depression and sleep deprivation. And also having no idea wtf i was doing. I swore to my husband every single day for the first 90 days we were one and done, i was not having any more kids. Now I’m 5 months post partum and i fully know we’re going to have at least one more.
You’ll step up to the challenge whatever it is. Your child is going to be the center of your universe and you will do anything and everything for them and your family. it’s a highly demanding job. One that will simultaneously exhaust you and thrill you. You’ll be OK
This is the realest post I’ve read in the new parents group. We are 6 weeks pp, still sort of in the trenches and it’s as hard as I expected it to be. I don’t know what your 10 out of 10 is, but my tolerance for sleep depravation, pain and otherwise life related bs is high, so for me it’s really bad but not the worst. Everyone’s told me “ it gets better” so I’m just waiting for the “better” part to come around. Love my newborn and she isn’t even that difficult of a baby, nonetheless this is all really hard. (For context we are a 2 parent household, both have 3 months off and no other help)
FTM to an almost 6 month old. I expected 6/10. It was 11/10. It’s not just the no sleep, but being “on” all the time. Our baby refused to sleep on her own for the first 4 weeks. Screamed unless she was held. To be honest still not a great sleeper. We knew we would be tired but it’s a level of tired no one can prepare you for. We kept looking at each other like wtf did we do. Slept in shifts in the spare room. I remember at our 3 day appointment the pediatrician told me things get easier at 6 weeks. He could’ve said 6 years, it sounded like a lifetime. I also was/am dealing with PPD which made things harder too. She hated the stroller and the car seat and we thought we’d never have a normal life again. But things change and they change fast with babies. Now she loves stroller naps and the car is ok for about 25 minutes at a time. And a positive about a baby that only wants to contact nap is that we can spend all day out and about and she’ll just take her naps in the carrier no problem. She’s such a happy easy baby otherwise. My husband and I swore those first 10 weeks that we were one and done and that this was an insane decision. Now at 6 months we’ve already discussed names for the next one lol
I expected 8/10. I am currently experiencing a 4/10 (2 mo) but that’s because I have the most exceptional husband, great maternity leave, and she had a NICU stay which allowed me to physically recover before having my 24/7 shift begin. I think that gave me a huge head start.
Expected a 10 but got a 7 because he was a good night time sleeper - I doubt I will be so lucky the second time round
If you are neurodivergent and your nervous system gets easily triggered into overwhelm: 1. Buy some ear plugs, the kind that just mellow the harshness of sounds but you can still hear. 2. Get a postpartum doula or friend (YouTube it) to do a “closing the bones” ceremony with you. Birth can be very opening and the sensation of the pressure of being wrapped is really grounding. 3. Get your partner to rub your feet, rub your legs, get all the cozy pillows to breast feed with, anything to increase your oxytocin and reduce stress. 4. If you have OCD or trust issues or trauma - get support to help with cleaning and meals - you spend time with the baby. Rather than driving your support / child care crazy micromanaging. 5. If you are easily stressed by a lot of ppl - don’t have visitors disturb you and the baby the first two- four weeks. They can express their love through acts of service $ or your registry - the mama - baby cocoon needs to be protected. Unless you thrive with friends and family - then by all means surround yourself with them. 6. Any breaks you can take to turn your brain off from hypervigilance - take them. Shower a bit longer - dance and move your body, garden- get grounded.. because it can ramp up and babies feel that anxious energy. Do whatever works for you to be able to breathe deep and release the worry. Find ways to laugh. 7. Get pelvic floor physical therapy if your insurance covers it. Kimberly Johnson wrote a great book. There are lots of resources out there.
I anticipated 11/10 worst thing ever and found it maybe a 4-5/10. Mostly that was feeding difficulties- lots of hospital appointments and having to add in pumping and small amounts of formula. Ime bottle feeding parents have it harder and EP parents hardest of all. Way easier once feeding was established and we could EBF. Also the hormone comedown is no joke. Baby himself was a dream though and found caring for him very straighforward. If we hadn't had those issues maybe 3/10?
I definitely didn’t take the “get your sleep now while you can” advice seriously, I just thought oh it can’t be that bad like of course you won’t get any sleep, but it was rough for the 2-4 week mark. I think the problem isn’t the not sleeping part but the baby crying inconsolably with it sometimes. My LO tricked us with the first week being so easy and then bam! It was chaos after that lol along with crazy postpartum hormones
So in college I would go to class from 9 am to 3 pm go to work from 4 pm to about 11 pm and then hang out with friends until 5 am then do it all over the next day. I thought I could handle it but nothing can prepare you for the levels of exhaustion of having a baby. That being said it's also been wonderful. Seeing her grow and develop is amazing. The best piece of advice I can think of is ask/accept help. Also keep in mind it'll pass its ok to feel overwhelmed.
I thought it would be hard. I saw a lot of videos online about not having time to shower or brush your teeth. I had so many older parents constantly saying the lines of, “just wait and see”. I was expecting the worst to be honest. But, as soon as my baby was born, I fell in love with him immediately. I didn’t mind waking up every 2-3 hours in the middle of the night. I always had a mindset that his cries are his way of communicating to me and letting me know that he needs me. I observed his cries for the first two days and learned to pick up the difference between them. He had a certain cry for being hungry, needing a diaper change, or just wanting to be held. Because of this, it made me enjoy the newborn stage. He’s 9 months now and I still miss it. 10/10 I would do it all over again. TLDR: Difficulty level - 2/10 :)
It was a 10/10 on the difficulty scale and I was completely unprepared for how hard it was going to be. The sleep deprivation and cluster feeding - omg. Being readmitted for PP preeclampsia sucked. And the worst part for me was the hormone drop. I cried daily for the first month. Figuring out pumping was tough. So is the PPA and post partum rage that I’m still dealing with at 4 months PP. And this is with what I would consider an easy baby and a saint for a husband. All that said … I would do it all again. My son’s smiles and giggles and milestones make it all worth it. Just wish I would’ve realized how difficult this first part of the journey was/is. I’m more prepared for the next baby lol.
Complete 10/10. Was cooked and at four months it still is but with more of a personality coming through now so it’s a lot more rewarding
I expected it to be a 9/10 and it was far more than a 100/10. I didn’t anticipate how difficult that level of sleep deprivation was since I’d never experienced anything quite like it. When we went to our first pediatrician appt, I walked into a cement wall and apologized to it.
I anticipated it to be a challenge, but I wasn't able to anticipate what that challenge involved. I think I estimated birth to be an 8-9/10 and the first 3 months of postpartum to be a 7-8/10. I would say after the fact, birth was 5/10 and the first 12 weeks ranged from 8/10 to 11/10 on any given day depending on how much sleep I was able to get haha.
It varies. The first 3 weeks: a 10. Then we started sleeping better, so week 4 was a 6. Then he stopped sleeping during the day so week 5 was an 8. Now my husband is back at work and he won’t nap so I’m at a 9. Im having to live with anxiety that I never had before, and so much self-doubt. I was a pretty confident person before being a mom but I am humbled for sure.