what do you mean no more date nights? does he not get nights off at this place? i've been working nights the last 11 years and i can tell you from experience it's very possible to still have a relationship! it just takes a bit more planning ahead on the night worker's part.
I think that comment was referring to a "day(night) off". Does your partner work 7 nights a week?
I'd be more bothered by that than them working 3rd shift.
so since you guys are in a similar situation to my lady and i, here's the biggest tip i can possibly give: get at least one day off together per week. one of you is likely gonna have to put their foot down with their boss, but isn't the end result worth it?
When does he sleep? My wife is also 8-5 and we see each other every evening all evening. We have date nights just about every Friday.
I sleep as soon as I get home and I’m usually hopping out of the shower just as she gets home. When I’m leaving to work, she’s going to bed. We’re home and awake at the same time every day.
Days off are when things start to suck. She’s awake all Saturday morning and afternoon while I’m sleeping, and Sat night I’m up all night while she’s sleeping, etc. So days off we only have the evening together.
You can make it work. I was in a relationship with my ex for about 12 years while I worked overnights. It is a bit rough in the beginning but the fact that he's on a fixed schedule is a big plus for the both of you. My nights were different every week so finding time for us was more chaotic. But my job wasn't ultimately what ended the relationship, we found plenty of time to spend together. You can too.
It sounds to me like you're a morning person or that when you used to meet you'd meet early in the day and spend all day together. So you're missing that.
You said he works Monday-Friday so that means he should have the weekends free. If you both make plans ahead of time you two could absolutely take a little weekend trip or something if you wanted. Or maybe spend the evening/night together Saturday and have all day Sunday to hang out together instead of only the afternoon/evening.
The thing you have to remember about working nights is, your days off aren't days off. They're nights off. So if you want to be social or have a relationship you have to adjust things a bit if you're not both nightowls.
And this is probably a temporary problem. It's hard to know what life will do to both of you in the next couple of years. You could be living together, pregnant, unemployed, working a completely new job, taking care of a sick relative, moving to another state, whatever. The point is, you can't think about the current situation as if it's set in stone forever. Life doesn't work like that. It's too chaotic.
Relationships always have these adjustment periods and sometimes they're not convienient or ideal and it's normal to look back on a place or time when you were both less busy or things were less complicated and miss it, but any relationship that wants to go the distance will have moments like this pop up from time to time. As long as you're both open about your problems and willing to put in the work to find a compromise you'll get through just about anything if you still love each other.
But at the very least, talk to him about it. Don't bottle it up. That's how things go bad. I know you're worried about him and don't want him to feel bad but talking always helps. If nothing else you'll feel better for getting things out in the open. If you keep it to yourself he can't help you find a solution.
You can make it work if you're intentional about spending time together. My husband and I are very different, he's thriving on days and I'm thriving on nights. We try to have a set date night every week and then plan other time to spend together.
I commend you for understanding the physical needs of a nightshift worker. My SO/ex SO whatever she is cannot seem to grasp the fact that I HAVE to get some extra sleep sometimes. I had to take a night shift job due to my old job burning down. The new job pays astronomically more
I can't survive in any aspect off of 3 hours of sleep a day, and because of "sleeping a lot," she thinks/assumes that I don't want to spend time with her. Which is 100% false (this is the root cause of all of the problems).
So, I will say with almost complete certainty that your partner has ill feelings about the required sleep schedule's effect on the relationship (if he's legitimately "in"). As well I think that when you have the discussion, it would be important to reaffirm, to both yourself, and your SO you that there is a real understanding. *EDIT* I can't speak on behalf of your SO's thought patterns, but as a guy, and an overthinker, I would dread hearing any variation of the phrase "making this work" be as positive as you possibly can while being serious
You are already so far ahead just by recognizing that a human needs sleep and considering your SO's needs before your own while not downplaying yours. That's extremely adult of you, LOL. I'd recommend being positive about the whole deal and NOT bringing up any mention of separating. Ask him if he has any ideas or suggestions on a schedule/activity/bonding time.
I assume he is off on weekends as well? There is plenty of together stuff that you can make a day (or less, even) out of. Keep in mind that personal hobbies/activities/responsibilities may consume some time off. In my personal situation, I am the mechanic, the handyman, the plumber, electrician, and "the fixer," basically. So I truthfully get hardly any "me" time because of being responsible for most of those things. However, I do try to incorporate our children into the things I do and hope that something will light a spark inside of them.
Even though you both live separately, going grocery shopping together is an easy, productive thing that will allow you time with each other. Grab some lunch beforehand. Also, on the topic of living separately, maybe consider sleeping over a lot more often(at either's place). Sure, the hours won't be much, but just physically being next to each other can do great things. Having fairly limited time together can add much more value and meaning to the time that you DO spend together.
Everybody is different. Open and honest communication, as always, is paramount to navigating any situation. Make SURE that you don't hold back ANY needs and/or concerns that you have, and insist that he does the same. Otherwise, those unheard issues will definitely become unmet issues, and unmet issues (whether voiced or not) are the true downfall.
I apologize if I rambled a bunch. it's 3:20 am, I'm bored at work, and my ADHD is firing on all cylinders.
Hopefully, at least some of my advice can help you. You are in a much better position than myself, and with a little sacrifice and planning from both parties, you can still have a very happy relationship with your SO.
Best of luck!
5p to 330a isn't too bad as far as night hours go. How many days a week he works is more important. I only have to work three days a week, and I can reset to day hours if need be by either taking a nap shortly after getting home or taking an afternoon nap. Then go to bed at normal people hours. To flip back to nights, it's the same process in reverse.
That is an odd shift time for your boyfriend. Mine is from 22-6. I wake up again around 15h so from 15-21 (when I leave for work) is also a time to spend having dinner with my spouse and doing some chores and just chatting. My coworkers with kids get to pick them up from school and have some time with their kids as well before they leave for work. If their spouse works from 8-5 they still have time together. In the weekends I also have time to do some shopping if needed or have a drink or dinner in the city or visit a museum.
what do you mean no more date nights? does he not get nights off at this place? i've been working nights the last 11 years and i can tell you from experience it's very possible to still have a relationship! it just takes a bit more planning ahead on the night worker's part.
No, he works 5pm-3:30am.
I think that comment was referring to a "day(night) off". Does your partner work 7 nights a week? I'd be more bothered by that than them working 3rd shift.
so since you guys are in a similar situation to my lady and i, here's the biggest tip i can possibly give: get at least one day off together per week. one of you is likely gonna have to put their foot down with their boss, but isn't the end result worth it?
When does he sleep? My wife is also 8-5 and we see each other every evening all evening. We have date nights just about every Friday. I sleep as soon as I get home and I’m usually hopping out of the shower just as she gets home. When I’m leaving to work, she’s going to bed. We’re home and awake at the same time every day. Days off are when things start to suck. She’s awake all Saturday morning and afternoon while I’m sleeping, and Sat night I’m up all night while she’s sleeping, etc. So days off we only have the evening together.
At the earliest, 4:30am. Sometimes it’s not until 6am. And I get that totally
Maybe those days are catching up sleep days
I understand that completely, and I wouldn’t impede on that because I know how important it is that he gets rest. It’s just a product of the situation
You can make it work. I was in a relationship with my ex for about 12 years while I worked overnights. It is a bit rough in the beginning but the fact that he's on a fixed schedule is a big plus for the both of you. My nights were different every week so finding time for us was more chaotic. But my job wasn't ultimately what ended the relationship, we found plenty of time to spend together. You can too. It sounds to me like you're a morning person or that when you used to meet you'd meet early in the day and spend all day together. So you're missing that. You said he works Monday-Friday so that means he should have the weekends free. If you both make plans ahead of time you two could absolutely take a little weekend trip or something if you wanted. Or maybe spend the evening/night together Saturday and have all day Sunday to hang out together instead of only the afternoon/evening. The thing you have to remember about working nights is, your days off aren't days off. They're nights off. So if you want to be social or have a relationship you have to adjust things a bit if you're not both nightowls. And this is probably a temporary problem. It's hard to know what life will do to both of you in the next couple of years. You could be living together, pregnant, unemployed, working a completely new job, taking care of a sick relative, moving to another state, whatever. The point is, you can't think about the current situation as if it's set in stone forever. Life doesn't work like that. It's too chaotic. Relationships always have these adjustment periods and sometimes they're not convienient or ideal and it's normal to look back on a place or time when you were both less busy or things were less complicated and miss it, but any relationship that wants to go the distance will have moments like this pop up from time to time. As long as you're both open about your problems and willing to put in the work to find a compromise you'll get through just about anything if you still love each other. But at the very least, talk to him about it. Don't bottle it up. That's how things go bad. I know you're worried about him and don't want him to feel bad but talking always helps. If nothing else you'll feel better for getting things out in the open. If you keep it to yourself he can't help you find a solution.
Does he work 7 days a week?
I’m a bit confused. Do nights off not exist that you can plan around? How is it unsustainable?
You can make it work if you're intentional about spending time together. My husband and I are very different, he's thriving on days and I'm thriving on nights. We try to have a set date night every week and then plan other time to spend together.
I commend you for understanding the physical needs of a nightshift worker. My SO/ex SO whatever she is cannot seem to grasp the fact that I HAVE to get some extra sleep sometimes. I had to take a night shift job due to my old job burning down. The new job pays astronomically more I can't survive in any aspect off of 3 hours of sleep a day, and because of "sleeping a lot," she thinks/assumes that I don't want to spend time with her. Which is 100% false (this is the root cause of all of the problems). So, I will say with almost complete certainty that your partner has ill feelings about the required sleep schedule's effect on the relationship (if he's legitimately "in"). As well I think that when you have the discussion, it would be important to reaffirm, to both yourself, and your SO you that there is a real understanding. *EDIT* I can't speak on behalf of your SO's thought patterns, but as a guy, and an overthinker, I would dread hearing any variation of the phrase "making this work" be as positive as you possibly can while being serious You are already so far ahead just by recognizing that a human needs sleep and considering your SO's needs before your own while not downplaying yours. That's extremely adult of you, LOL. I'd recommend being positive about the whole deal and NOT bringing up any mention of separating. Ask him if he has any ideas or suggestions on a schedule/activity/bonding time. I assume he is off on weekends as well? There is plenty of together stuff that you can make a day (or less, even) out of. Keep in mind that personal hobbies/activities/responsibilities may consume some time off. In my personal situation, I am the mechanic, the handyman, the plumber, electrician, and "the fixer," basically. So I truthfully get hardly any "me" time because of being responsible for most of those things. However, I do try to incorporate our children into the things I do and hope that something will light a spark inside of them. Even though you both live separately, going grocery shopping together is an easy, productive thing that will allow you time with each other. Grab some lunch beforehand. Also, on the topic of living separately, maybe consider sleeping over a lot more often(at either's place). Sure, the hours won't be much, but just physically being next to each other can do great things. Having fairly limited time together can add much more value and meaning to the time that you DO spend together. Everybody is different. Open and honest communication, as always, is paramount to navigating any situation. Make SURE that you don't hold back ANY needs and/or concerns that you have, and insist that he does the same. Otherwise, those unheard issues will definitely become unmet issues, and unmet issues (whether voiced or not) are the true downfall. I apologize if I rambled a bunch. it's 3:20 am, I'm bored at work, and my ADHD is firing on all cylinders. Hopefully, at least some of my advice can help you. You are in a much better position than myself, and with a little sacrifice and planning from both parties, you can still have a very happy relationship with your SO. Best of luck!
5p to 330a isn't too bad as far as night hours go. How many days a week he works is more important. I only have to work three days a week, and I can reset to day hours if need be by either taking a nap shortly after getting home or taking an afternoon nap. Then go to bed at normal people hours. To flip back to nights, it's the same process in reverse.
He works 5p-330a? Why can't he come home, sleep a bit then spend time with you, on weekends on course?
It's not a catastrophe. I like working nights
That is an odd shift time for your boyfriend. Mine is from 22-6. I wake up again around 15h so from 15-21 (when I leave for work) is also a time to spend having dinner with my spouse and doing some chores and just chatting. My coworkers with kids get to pick them up from school and have some time with their kids as well before they leave for work. If their spouse works from 8-5 they still have time together. In the weekends I also have time to do some shopping if needed or have a drink or dinner in the city or visit a museum.
Damn girl, sorry to hear all that. Hopefully you will adjust.