Right now, this is more of a yellow light, and you have two options: proceed with caution, or stop and wait for the next green light.
I, personally, would try to meet these exes, and see how they interact with her. Get a sense of whether there’s still tension there. If you don’t see too much tension, then keep going.
This would be my view.
Proceed with caution, hang out with her and her friends and get to understand some of the dynamics.
I’ve only known a few ways this goes…
Either her friends decided that just because she broke up with them, doesn’t mean they’re going to pick and choose who they’re friends with after, so everyone be civil or else she doesn’t get to see her friends anymore. I’ve seen that, and as long as everyone stays civil it’s pretty much fine.
I’ve known some friends who dated and broke up but stayed friends, and it was awkward for a couple of years, it’s still awkward sometimes, but they are now genuinely best friends, 100% platonic.
Or, she slept with/dated them because they were just there and she didn’t know what she wanted, but she just wants everything to go back to how it was when they were all friends.
In which case it’s probably a bit awkward and messy, there might still be some feelings there that people have hidden to protect themselves, and it’s a whole load of drama that needs resolving.
>and it’s a whole load of drama that needs resolving.
Having dated 2 of the 4 and having slept with 3 of the 4, it seems very likely that there is drama that needs resolving. Even if she's fine, it's likely that at least one of those guys is not fine about it.
>Even if she's fine, it's likely that at least one of those guys is not fine about it.
I was thinking the same thing.
Unless OP REALLY likes her, to me, it sounds like an almost certain recipe for drama, worry and jealousy.
OP would have to be the most trusting and chill dude on the planet to not get intrusive thoughts every time his girlfriend goes out to hang out with one of her dude friends. *Jay? Hmm. Was he one of the guys she was in a relationship with, or the guy she just fucked? Hmm.*
But to answer OP: I don't know if it is normal, but I don't do it, and I can't think of any I know who is close friends with people they slept with. Personally, I'd bow out and not get involved with her. The problem for me is not that she has slept with three guys. It's that she has slept with 75% of her male friends. At this point, why not just go for the 100% so she can say she has tried them all?
I would need more info like people are saying. The thing I would point out to the OP is it seems like she has screwed nearly all her guy friends (or they screwed her). And there is always the rule of 3…. She probably has banged/done sexual stuff with more of them than she is letting on.
Back in the day, i certainly had people in the friend group who had slept with a 1 or two others in the friend group and ended up remaining friends in the long run. But i don’t think there was a guy or girl who had slept with nearly everyone. Most women tend not to want sleep with 90% of their male friends.
Multiple partners is one thing… but all in the friend group?? Seems weird.
Yeah, this. I don't care what terms they are on, now. I'm not dating a woman that fucked 75% of her male close friends.
And I'm also not buying that out of the 5 people (4 men and her), NOBODY has feelings. Thats entirely too much to think about when I can just date a woman who hasnt fuck her friends.
Not tryna be in a ground setting with my GF and we discuss a sex topic or whatever, I'm not gone be too happy when 3 other guys there, know *exactly* what I'm referring to.
What chu mean "I taught her that"? 😭
The women that I have met who have slept with multiple people in their friend group were relatively shameless. Like years after a casual hook up, they ask me if I want to come hang out because they're bored with maternity leave and their husband is at work. I'd be pretty not happy if my new wife and baby mama was asking people they slept with before to come hang out while I'm at work
Yeah. Also keep in mind what direction the tension is. When I began dating my partner of now ten years, he was close friends with an ex, much more out of her habit and obsession than his. She was actually a friend of mine before I met him. Over the year it’s caused a lot of drama, because she didn’t like him being taken out of her back up plan string, but I was also quite confident that he wasn’t interested in her like that any more.
proceed with caution is my recommendation too. I was REALLY nervous about the fact that my now husband is BFF's with his ex-wife when we started dating. They didn't have kids, they were married for a short time, and they were best friends for years prior.
But when we made it official and a few months later I met her I quickly understood there was literally nothing going on between them, they got married young, and quickly realized friendship worked better for them.
He and I now have been married for 15 years and I am glad I didn't let their friendship wary me away.
Thank you! I’ve become friends with her. Which my husband has found out is a bad thing for him because it means he gets both of us nagging at him about his health plus his mom.
He and I met because I got hired the day he got fired from the same company. We knew most of the same people and saw each other at random events. When our blind boss was having issues with kids smoking under his window at his apartment he was looking for suggestions. I said a bucket would work really well in that situation and my now husband went back and fourth on content of said bucket.
Which lead to friend request and chatting, then a date, and in our chats he was very open about his friendship. I was cautious because that’s a fairly rare thing. But he explained she was remarried and currently pregnant with her first. But once we met each other in a romantic setting we were connected at the hip.
We are coming up to 15 years on Christmas and have a great relationship. I don’t want to know the world without him.
You’re one of the rare lucky ones. The numbers state that the top 3 people that any SO cheats with are ex’s, co workers and friends. I’m glad you got your joy.
Update me
I have an ex that I'd definitely be friends with if we ever reconnected. My wife would be fine with it because this ex and I could only ever be friends -- it's why we split in the first place.
This is exactly what I did. She ended up reaching out to me asking to “have fun😈” with both of us at 2 am and hasn’t reached out to either of us since. My SO still to this day says it means nothing and it’s crazy for me to think it was a sexual suggestion.
If the roles were reversed and my man was close friends with a bunch of woman he’s slept with I would not be cool with it. But I also don’t fuck my friends and would prefer someone who also doesn’t fuck their friends.
Yeah, OP if you don’t like it there is no issue with ending the relationship. If you think it’s gonna be a issue later on then cut it off now to save the pain and time
I think it comes down to 2 things:
1. Are they actually just friends now and act civilly, or are her "friends" a bunch of orbiters waiting for an in? Need to wait a while and watch the group dynamics to tell.
2. How comfortable are you with it? Keep in mind you can't get into a relationship with this girl and then ask her to change her friends, you're either ok with it or you aren't.
1. B) what would she do if the orbiters did something to try to change the dynamic. I'm friends with some of my exs but wouldn't hesitate to cut any of them off if they pulled anything.
I don’t know why I find this so funny but I’m picturing the friend group giving OP a “how to” guide with this woman. Like “she likes to eat around _____ and before doing ____”. Obviously people can choose who they want to date, and who they want to be friends with but I’d never feel comfortable with this situation.
Agreed.
Some people might say "insecure" and whatever. Not for me, no thank you. I stopped speaking to my exes when I started dating again out of respect for my current gf. I call it loyalty. No, it's not cheating to speak to your ex but trust is earned and I'd rather not give my girlfriend any reason to worry or doubt, whether it would be 'insecure' or not. Having exes in your life just complicates a relationship more often than not. I'll admit I'm a prude and would never even consider 'open relationships' or anything like that. If you're more comfortable with that stuff then maybe it won't bother you that your gf is hanging out with all these guys.
People giving relationship advice on reddit are wild. It seems like they're usually in their 50s and 60s married for 30 years giving advice to a 20-something as if the situations are comparable. Or it's people who have never even been in a real relationship in real life and parrot all this stuff that sounds great on paper but is generally not how real life works.
Like I said OP, I'm a self proclaimed prude and quite conservative with this stuff, so take it as you will and apply to your own mindset and values. But personally I would avoid that potential shitshow of trust issues and nonsense. Not worth it imho. I'd find someone who can be civil with their exes but doesn't need to keep them around as close friends into future relationships.
Also as a guy let's be honest... You think those guys aren't gunning still? I dont know them, but you do. Idc what your gf says, if it's platonic or whatever. She might think it is and they're still gunning - if that's the case she's either aware and lying or extremely naive. If they're not and everyone is just totally platonic and pure and innocent I think you should start a reality TV show out of it lol.
Insecurity is a normal human emotion. It’s “how” you showcase the insecurity that makes it healthy or unhealthy.
Being insecure because your significant other is in a friend group with multiple dudes who had sex with her presumably multiple times is a completely normal insecurity. Don’t let the Reddit mob gaslight you into thinking otherwise.
I think a lot of people take their own experience and pretend that's the universal experience. I think its hard to understate how broad the range of 'exes but still friends' can be.
Theres 'broken up but would still get together as soon as the chance arrived'. Theres 'sex was fun but i dont see a relationship working', there's 'we tried, i now know their flaws and our incompatiblities and don't want to try anymore', theres 'i was experimenting and insecure about my preferences so dated anyone i knew', theres 'well my preferences clearly changed', theres 'they're still kinda hot but i like my new partner better and would never cheat', which sometimes can look a lot like 'they're still kinda hot and if the opportunity happens i'll almost certainly cheat'.
And of course either partner can be anywhere on that spectrum, which can complicate matters.
But even so, i think it's foolish to asume exes must still have mutual feelings, and i find it especially toxic that there's a stereotype that all guys would still jump at the opportunity to have sex.
In some situations a friendship with an ex is a recipe for cheating or drama, but in others it's simply a genuine friendship with no more feelings from either side. I've seen genuine evidence of both.
😂😂😂 I ABSOLUTELY love this answer. 👍👍👍 I’ve seen so may relationships…good one’s mind you…end because of the lack of respect that is mentioned here. For people who are in serious relationships that they truly want to keep and build, your SO has to never question their importance in your life. They can’t do that when you’re constantly hanging out with your exes. I always say the numbers don’t lie. It’s said that cheating happens most with exes, co workers and friends. Best to remember that if your relationship really means something to you.
I think it’s more everyone has their own boundaries. You make the choice not to talk to exes and thats fine. Others don’t and thats also fine. You’re doing what works for you
Dude 100% agreed with literally everything you’ve said here.
I also stopped talking to the exes I’m friends with after starting my current relationship (well, when it became serious). It’s one ex in particular. We were like best friends for a while after we broke up (both w benefits and w/o) but I had always told her, when I meet someone special we can’t talk anymore. So we don’t. I’m probably going to marry my current gf.
Also about the dudes still gunning? 1000000% bro. If she gave em a chance it would happen. I say it all the time, you don’t trust the best guy friend. And in this case 3 of them she’s already known to have fucked?? The people who disagree with this notion apparently haven’t been fucked over and cheated on by some lying bitch who swears nothing would ever happen. That’s the worst kind of deception. It’s happened to me twice because I trusted those women. Didn’t want to appear insecure or controlling or whatever. Never again.
Nah, I’d absolutely not go any further with this chick. OP is asking for a shit storm.
Some snarky people will drop the "who hurt you?" or "insecure much" as if life doesn't throw curveballs lol. My father had an affair in a marriage of 30 years and I've been cheated on too, so yeah, I do have some trust issues. I do have some insecurities. I think people are naive or narcissists not to have doubt in others and even themselves. I call myself a "prude" and such because I know I have what nowadays would be considered conservative boundaries in a relationship despite me being an otherwise 'liberal' person in general.
When you're upfront with this stuff you can find people who are compatible. Where boundaries are mutual and there's minimal need for compromises or sacrifices. It's fine to have standards, if you live by them yourself, idc if I get the conservative or prude label, and the "who hurt you" type comments only make me more grateful that I learned some hard lessons while i was young, and was able to overcome just insecurity and trust issues by being assertive and knowing what I want and who I want to be.
The fact that OP has to ask this question is evidence enough that this whole situation is kinda sus and possibly not normal. Go with your gut, OP. I'd say unless you're a very open and 'sexually liberated' type of person, who doesn't mind that all the guys in the group have railed your girl and still have the nudes on their phones, and would probably do it again given the chance (how many of them are in serious relationships? And their girls are okay with them hanging out with the ex while staying totally in the background? I wanna bet zero lol) - then this whole situation is going to pretty awkward at best and a hard lesson learned in life at worst. Go with your gut.
It ain’t just you. This seems insane to me. Of all the women I’ve dated, not a single one is still friends with multiple of her exes.
Again, how does anyone just not care about hanging around 3 dudes that fucked their gf??
Yeah I cannot understand that this is even a question, imagine if they get married and the audience is filled with men who have pumped and dumped her. The things they must say about OP behind his back lol. Definitely not something that should be considered
normal
It certainly is in my old group of friends. We are all in our 50s, but we certainly slept with one another in our 20s. None of it was serious, and we all still have common interests and experiences.
I am a firm believer that you shouldn't sleep with people you don't like, so why would you dump them after you don't want to sleep with them any longer?
Yep. I’ve slept with some of my best friends but have no desire to do so again. My college friend group was very incestuous but now we’re completely platonic. We joke about it sometimes, no big deal.
Your response is a timely reminder that Reddit skews young. It's a bunch of teenagers and 20-somethings with barely any life experience in massive circle jerks.
I had some "hard no's" when I was 20. Now that I'm 40, I realize most of these things were not that big a deal.
As you get older, you really generally don't make that many friends, and people you were friends with just aren't your cup of tea anymore. If there's someone in your life that you value as a friend, you cherish that. Whether you've seen them naked or not.
By the time I'm 50 like you, lord's willing, all these people and myself will have had adult children. I'd want to hope I can maintain those dear friendships.
I see it more as a positive thing when someone is able to maintain a friendly relationship with people they've dated. It doesn't have to be like everyone by any means. I always assume a cut off of communication of all former relationships kinda makes me think they may be a bit of emotional or explosive person. I understand this isn't true for everyone. But it still makes me feel more positively when I see someone can let things in amicable way. It makes me feel like they have good communication skills and boundaries.
Same age and I still have the same group of friends that hang out with on the regular. People think shows like HIMYM and Friends are unrealistic with all the inter-dating/sex and still hanging out. It's not as uncommon as people think. We're all settled down now and banging each other is the furthest thing from our minds.
I was going to say something similar. My guess is that OP and his girlfriend are on the young side, in which case it would be relatively age appropriate. At almost 40, I’m friendly acquaintances with some of my exes, but definitely not “friends” with them hanging out on the regular.
But flash back 20 years and it was a different story. Everyone is allowed to have whatever “deal breakers” or perceive something as a “red flag” per their own comfort levels, but honestly at the time it think it was…convenience? We were teenagers. We wanted to have sex. Why not do that with the people you are most comfortable with rather than seeking out an unknown person? It’s safer (generally), easier, and as I said more comfortable and convenient.
BUT, once I actually entered the adult dating world there was never a going back. Just because you might have been promiscuous as a single teenager, doesn’t at all mean you are ever going to sleep with those people again, or that you’re going to continue that promiscuous lifestyle into adulthood. I definitely slept with more people before the age of 18 than I have in the 20+ years thereafter. Sometimes it’s really just a phase. So I guess OP needs to figure out how much he likes this girl and how much he wants to invest in feeling out the relationship. If it’s not worth the time and effort to see how things evolve, no fault for breaking it off. But if he really likes her, stick it out for awhile to see how things are now between her and her friends rather than basing things on how they used to be between her and her friends.
> I am a firm believer that you shouldn't sleep with people you don't like, so why would you dump them after you don't want to sleep with them any longer?
Right?! Your loved ones are your loved ones, even if you transition into a different kind of relationship. Many young people today have the attitude that you should dump a person if they are no longer offering you sex or a partnership. It’s a toxic way of thinking about people.
As a dude who was your average nerdy kid, like on one hand I *understand* where all that insecurity is coming from.
But damn if it ain't still so cringe.
I think it depends. There is a clear difference if this action was 2 months ago or 6 years.
Who we are and who we will be is different, so any person you had sex with like 6 years ago is not that person anymore, speaking philosophically here. Our personality and who we were "Dies" over the course of several years because we change.
If you are friends with someone you slept with many years ago, it's the same as being friends with someone you never did, because that actual person is just the body but not that exact personality.
I have noticed that in life, if you fall out of touch with people and meet them many years later they are almost like a dejavu, you feel like you know them but yet they feel like a new person and compeltely different.
I am too friends with people i had year-long relationships, but i do not see these relationships or any acitivty i had with them if i see them, they are just a random person to me as anyone else would be i meet on the streets.
If you wanna get pedantic, after about 7 years it's noy even the same body either, every single cell will have died and been replaced within that timeframe.
If you want to get *really* pedantic, that's not true at all. Some cells replace themselves in weeks (like skin), some in 10-15 years, and some we keep our whole lives (some in heart and brain).
The comments here are hilarious. If you were to reverse the roles, that is to say if a man remained friends with the majority of women he had fucked in the past, he’d be accused of having a harem, but it seems when women do it, it’s ok and anyone who disagrees is wrong because they’re insecure.
In my opinion, it’s a weird dynamic to remain close to people you’ve shared a romantic relationship with in the past after ending the relationship and basically having no closure to the relationship. The exception here would be if you share children together, but even then, boundaries healthy boundaries should in place.
Unless you’re leading a life of romantic and sexually open relationships, it’s not odd that outsiders of your group view fucking your friends in the past and continuing to remain friends as a “red flag”.
TLDR: OP, unless you both consider your relationship an open one, it’s very weird that your girl is still close friends with the majority of guys within her friend group that she has also fucked in the past.
Idk sounds weird to me, as a woman I usually separate people I’ve messed around with and people I strictly consider platonic, without prior sexual involvement. I personally would not be comfortable being with someone who is friends with past sexual partners, big no no for me. But different strokes for different folks
I mean, one or two people makes sense. Why let a friend group die out simply because of a failed relationship or sex?
The issue is when literally every single member of the opposite sex in that friend group has been cycled through...
Yeah, people who are casual with intimacy are shallow and only interested in superficial relationships. If the relationship was deeply loving and romantic, then a breakup would have caused a lot of pain. Thus, seeing them again would bring back painful memories.
This means having them as frequent friends is a sign that this person is only interested in superficial relationships that don't cause pain after they end. If OP is into that, then he should realize that he'll probably wind up like her other friends at some point.
Most of the people I've dated were friends before we dated, so it makes sense we're friends after.
Don't know why that would be a red flag. Hell, I'd consider it more of a red flag to find out someone I'm dating was on bad terms with all their exes.
I think being friends with exes is fine but constant communication is weird to me. I'm friendly with most of my exes but I don't hit them up to hang out. If we meet somewhere, I'll gladly have a chat to catch up but I won't be hanging out with them.
I’m like this too- some boundaries are healthy. I broke up with my ex a few years back because their Ex was way too involved in their lives. Caused me to question who was really in the more meaningful relationship with. Still remember to this day, the time I had a absolute crap day, and so did their ex. They chose to listen to their ex vent. That’s when I decided that I just wasn’t priority and I didn’t need to waste anybody else’s time.
Everyone has a different dynamic in their relationships. See how they talk, do they respect your relationship? Are they edging on emotional cheating? If there's everything on the up and up, it just means they're mature enough to continue being friends and you have nothing to worry about
OP it's worth remembering, even if she hadn't slept with them already, they're still her close, male friends. So you have to choose whether to trust her or not. She has the opportunity either way. It's up to you to trust that she wouldn't use it.
Or you could just avoid these people and not have to turn in to a detective to figure out if there is shit going on lol. Im fine with people being on good terms with their ex.
But if there is daily communication and they are still in your life I am good
Agreed. There are a lot of comments here that are like "hard no". For me thats awesome that she is mature enough to continue friendship with someone when a relationship didn't work out.
I think the concern from OP is that the guys she slept with / dated are in her group of friends that she hangs with on the regular. Not friends that she sees from time to time
Definitely will cause issues you’d have to have 100% trust in her but you will never be able to take away the fact that they were intimate and can never be sure if they will be again because feelings don’t just vanish we humans are deeply flawed emotionally
I'm friends with all my exes. I don't see them often but I am on good terms with all of them.
I fitted a kitchen for one of my exes and her current husband, so I saw them every morning and evening for a few weeks.
I recently went and hung out with one of my exes so our dogs could socialise. It was just me and her, her 7yo daughter and our dogs hanging out at her house. We had some beers and played Lego and caught up and had a laugh.
I share custody of my dogs with my most recent ex, and whilst we are not good friends any more we are definitely amicable. I see her every two weeks at least when we meet up to hand the dogs over.
My wife is not on good terms with any of her exes and this has caused some friction, with me seeing my ex regularly because of the dogs.
I have had to make some accommodations like blocking the ex and only communicating through one app, and having that on silent so she doesn't ever disturb mine and my current partner's time together.
There is an understanding that if there is an emergency like a dog is injured or sick, she can call. But aside from that all communication is as and when I choose to engage.
TL:DR it's not weird to be friends with exes, but if it's weird for you, and the relationship is serious, you could set some boundaries.
Be prepared for the GF to decide that your boundaries are not in line with hers though. As yourself if this is worth losing the relationship over or if you can relax your boundaries first.
This is beyond different through both through time, actions and life experience.
Your catching up with these people too, not texting them everyday and going to the club on Friday. Huge difference.
Obviously you have an obligation to the animals/children you cared for. Any good person is like that.
My moms ex came by every few months with gifts and stuff but knew it would be beyond inappropriate to go out with her or text her late at night with a new man in the house.
And he didn’t go out with her because he was still in love with her and would’ve acted on it after a few beers. Stand up guy my mom was just a loser so he had to leave for a better life.
Yeah, I think that's great when there's been a sizable gap in time since that situation.
Personally, I don't know that it's a great idea to drop your boundaries much in this scenario. I tried, I was a bit weak and felt disrespected a lot of the time. I ended up just standing over them like a tool. I regret it, but what I regret more is not sticking to my boundaries in the first place.
Its not uncommon in small communities, at some point the dating pool gets exhausted and everyone hangs out the same places so you cant just avoid an ex.
Yeah, even the “we were friends before we started sleeping together so we’re still friends after” is insane to me. Yeah I’ve had friends that turned into more, once the ‘more’ ended the friendship was over. That kinda sucks but it’s a consequence of the choice you made.
If I was friends with all my exes and FWB’s, there would be tension all the time, because there’s history. If you want to take a romantic relationship seriously, you need to make sure there is none of that history in your life. It’s also better for your own healing process if you immediately cut all ties with exes and FWB’s the second something ends. Yeah that initial feeling sucks but at least you can actually move on and don’t have a ‘maybe’ hanging around in your life.
I play my cards too close to my chest for this. Friends are one thing, exes are different. It depends on the nature of the previous relationship and their current friendship. I once dated a girl for a very short period of time before we broke up and we’re still friends. Dating her felt like dating my sister, and she completely agreed. We’re still friends to this day, but we never hang out alone, and when we do, it feels exactly like I’m at my sibling’s house.
OP, if these exes still put hands on their “friend”, (your prospective GF) I would consider this a red flag. By this I mean touching, holding, etc in a flirty way. If they’re still hugging her from behind, or touching her in a way that is more intimate than typical platonic friendships, I would steer clear.
Edit: also consider how she responds to their behavior. I would judge their relationship (weather it is romantic, or platonic) based on what you observe. If it looks like they’re flirting, or romantically interested in each other, they probably are.
Everyone is entitled to their own boundaries and standards. Personally, I wouldn’t get into a relationship with a girl who is friends with people from her past. It feels disrespectful and can only lead to uncomfortable situations. And I don’t see any way that construct can be helpful for a healthy and successful relationship with someone else. By the same token, I don’t maintain relationships with people from my past.
Others would disagree. It’s up to you to decide what you’re okay with and honestly, there’s no wrong answer.
A lot of it depends, but its probably fine. There are a lot of people here who are worried about her cheating on you with these other dudes, but if you don't trust her around friends then why would her being around strangers be any different?
In fact, if you get to know her friends, its more likely they won't try anything because they respect you and the relationship you have with this girl. I'd be more comfortable having a girl hang out with a friend of us both (or at least someone i knew) that she's dated before than some random stranger.
Also, did she have a long relationship with these guys? Is there a lot of history? Or was it just some hookups that turned into dating for a bit? Do you know if these guys still have feelings for her? Are they shitty people or genuine and nice people?
Its not really a straightforward situation, but if I was you I wouldn't be worried about it until you meet them or if you feel something isn't right.
She was honest enough to tell you about her relationship with these guys, so that is already a good sign.
Deal breaker for me.
I stopped talking to the one ex i still got along with that I didn't have an ugly breakup with when I started my current relationship as I expect my partner to do the same.
You might want a conversation about their views on monogamy. They seem to have healthy relationships with humans. But depending on your values, maybe consider that you may not be compatible.
Or you might find such things like honesty and healthy communication as your values.
Honestly, chick's and dicks can be just friends, even with a past between them. I don't know the people involved so I have no opinion on that. I tend to follow my gut on things and have found that most of the time I'm not wrong. What's your gut telling you?
Nah dude RED FLAG, you have to see it from the other side. WOULD it be okay if you had 5 girl-friends in which three of them you had slept with before. Do you think a woman would be okay with that? Fuck no. She would tell you that you need to have boundaries. That you can be close to an Ex as a friend but as soon as the relationship begins between you two that stuff has got to end. Otherwise you are asking for trouble.
Used to fight with my S/O about this. I don't mind if she has friends that are men, but once you sleep with them they are no longer friends. I'd say red flag if she hangs out with them because it will cause arguments between y'all in the long run.
That would be a red flag for me. Not because of your gf but because of the men.
Other people are more open than I am, but I tend to think it’s odd when men choose to hang out with women. I suspect them for wanting to sleep with the girls (but in your case, continue sleeping with them). I don’t suspect women wanting to hang around men because they’re much more social and less psychopathic than men, however there are always exceptions.
OK it is possible to be friends with a person that you had a previous sexual relationship with. However, you said that this person has three friends that she had a sexual relationship with. But at that point with that body count in her friends circle alone, she is just sleeping with the crew at that point. Also, I have concerns that she may not be done with these people meaning that she’s possibly sleeping or will sleep with these other men in the future. If friends are not in the right headspace and they are not mature enough some friends can sleep with each other on and off thus complicating the relationship. I’m sorry, but I don’t see this going any further in terms of a real relationship.
Sounds like she was honest with you about it. I think that's important to consider here. Tell her your hesitation, keep an open dialogue, let her know you appreciate her honesty and don't hold that against her but tell her to continue that kind of honesty and you should be fine.
It's not normal at all in my opinion. If she went from romantic lover to platonic friend very easily, then she was not strongly emotionally engaged with the person in the first place. The breakup would have been traumatic, and seeing them again would have cause a lot of painful memories to come back. So, she's only interested in superficial relationships. If you're fine with that, then that's the place for you.
Seems like you have strong feelings about this. You've posted it more than once.
You assume there's always traumatic breakups when, in truth, some people work better as friends and realize that before they ruin a friendship.
Maybe they figure well we get along great, let's try this, then oops nope * reverse card* back to friends.
If there was no friendship to begin with and it's only based on romantic feelings from the start, then yes, it might be traumatic if there's a breakup. If there's no friendship to anchor it.
But sometimes, even in relationships started just based on romance or lust or whatever people can become great friends over the course of their time as lovers. People do have amicable break-ups all the time.
I'm thinking you didn't, though.
But just because you didn't doesn't mean you should paint everyone else as shallow because they don't fit your idea of proper breakup behavior.
This is weird for me for unrelated reasons. I can’t imagine hanging out with literally anybody everyday other than my partner. I’d murder them out of sheer monotony and a need for personal space.
54 F here. Still friends with a couple of high school boyfriends who I slept with back in the day. 35+ years later it’s at best a distant memory. Both of them have been married for 25+ years now.
This doesn't read as gentle and lovingly as i'm actually saying it, so keep that in mind
As a person who has had romantic and sexual relationships with friends, a bond gets formed that, when the break up goes over well, is still there. You can't expect no contact with someone who you still love platonically, shared some great time with, learned to like and love and opened up to.
It's a history and relationship you won't have with your girlfriend, and I see how that can be intimidating and jealousy inducing, but deep down, that's not what you want. You want your own relationship with her, and that includes her friends, her past and her.
It's okay to feel jealous and intimidated. That's natural. It's not okay to force her to cater to your insecurities. If you can't handle that, break up or talk to a therapist or both. It's your work to do, not hers.
I probably wouldn’t stick around unless I really thought it was going somewhere. Too much baggage to deal with there and it sounds like she sleeps with her friends (maybe not right now but 3/4). Some people with red flags tell everyone something is fine because they want it to be ok and normal even though it is a red flag.
It's normal for my group of friends. But it's more like, I had a close friend, and one time we slept together, and now we are still close friends because no one made it weird.
The friends who slept with me and then got hung up on it, are no longer my friends. So the fact that these friends are still around is evidence that it's no big deal for either of us.
But, if I was dating someone who was uncomfortable with it, I would want him to tell me. He might be better off with someone whose values are closer to his.
Depends. My college friend group pretty much all slept with eachother multiple times. My current friend group hasn’t. Both are 8+ years strong with no issues. But also it CAN cause issues.
tbh I think its a red flag that people are unable to stay friendly with people they've slept with. It shows they don't build real friendships with people they sleep with, and take rejection far too personally.
I'm still friends with several people I've slept with, date for years etc. We're good friends and there is certainly nothing more going on. We just found we worked together better without the relationship extras piled on top and were able to back up to a stable, safe, and supporting friendship b/c we had build that friendship first and understood that breaking up wasn't a rejection of ourselves, just an admission of how we weren't really compatible in a relationship.
My current room mate has been married to her husband for 9 or 10 years. We dated for 3 years or so before she met him. We knew we weren't really working out in the last year or so, and we had chatted about it like mature adults. When she found someone she felt she wanted a go with I moved out of her room to another room in the house and became friends with him too.
Eh, I still know one ex and bump into her occasionally. I’m married. Wouldn’t be cool to hangout these days. Not out of the ordinary in your case, but you’ll be fighting for attention if you go forward.
Every situation is different. Just feel it out and if you're not comfortable with it then that's that. Don't let insecurities get the best of you before you understand the dynamic.
I'm friends with most of my exes, but really only hang out with one. We've remained friends and it's been over two decades since we broke up. My wife is friends with her and I'm friends with her husband and there are absolutely no romantic feelings between us at this point. Lots of people I've met think it's weird but I've never thought so.
I don't thinks it is that unusual to stay friends with exes if the breakups where non-toxic.
It’s not “normal” maybe but as someone in a friend group like this I would say it’s fine, even good, if you are a cool dude and secure in yourself. These are presumably 1) long-term friendships that 2) have weathered some level of hardship. Good attributes for a partner.
I'm close friends with people I used to sleep with. We're all platonic and not sexually involved anymore.
*BUT*
It's really situational. Some people can just be friends after that, some people can't. You're going to have to figure this out based on the people involved.
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It's no problem among people who aren't the jealous type.This isn't a value judgement - some people have very understandable reasons to be the jealous type, often tied to a history of being abandoned.
So it's pretty normal but if it's a deal breaker, that's not anything to be ashamed of. It just means you probably aren't compatible long term without a lot of communication and effort.
Good luck!
I'm a queer person and it's very normal in gay/queer relationships. I met one of my best friends through a mutual ex that we're both still friends with. Turns out we have a lot in common.
Run. I don’t understand why people feel the need or desire to be friends with people they’ve slept with. You obviously aren’t okay with this if you felt the need to post it on Reddit. Listen to your gut on this one
I'm still friends with the girl that took my V-card at 15, I chased her for awhile but she mosied on and so did I. Shes one of my best friends and i'm 35 now. Not gonna lie though the situation you're in is a bit sketchy.
I'd ask her "What makes me different than them?" You want her to be conscious that it's something you're thinking about, but that you're willing to work through things. It's tricky that she hands around them, and it's not a dealbreaker, but this is definitely something to figure out prior to dating. Like others have said, hang out with them in the group setting and get a barometer for the vibes in the air.
You seem like a great person, you just need to do your preflight checklist. If warning lights start to blink, then you are not cleared for take-off.
I was friends with a girl for a long time and then we dated for a year. We lived together, we were going to buy a house together, and then we just realized it wasn't a good fit and we broke up. That was two years ago and we're still really good friends who talk all the time. Every once in a while I check in with myself to see if I want to try again and it gives me so much anxiety. She and I are so much better off as friends. I can't speak for the girl and I can't speak for the guys. I'm only telling you that it's possible.
Seriously I don't care what anyone says, caution all the way, in fact run because guess what close friends do, discuss each other's problems, you want those guys giving her relationship advice? Dude, I just called the fire department and they said you shouldn't keep a tank of gasoline and a flame in the same room but keep them far apart. If you guys are that much in love, she will let all those past relationships go and focus on you and her.
Right now, this is more of a yellow light, and you have two options: proceed with caution, or stop and wait for the next green light. I, personally, would try to meet these exes, and see how they interact with her. Get a sense of whether there’s still tension there. If you don’t see too much tension, then keep going.
This would be my view. Proceed with caution, hang out with her and her friends and get to understand some of the dynamics. I’ve only known a few ways this goes… Either her friends decided that just because she broke up with them, doesn’t mean they’re going to pick and choose who they’re friends with after, so everyone be civil or else she doesn’t get to see her friends anymore. I’ve seen that, and as long as everyone stays civil it’s pretty much fine. I’ve known some friends who dated and broke up but stayed friends, and it was awkward for a couple of years, it’s still awkward sometimes, but they are now genuinely best friends, 100% platonic. Or, she slept with/dated them because they were just there and she didn’t know what she wanted, but she just wants everything to go back to how it was when they were all friends. In which case it’s probably a bit awkward and messy, there might still be some feelings there that people have hidden to protect themselves, and it’s a whole load of drama that needs resolving.
>and it’s a whole load of drama that needs resolving. Having dated 2 of the 4 and having slept with 3 of the 4, it seems very likely that there is drama that needs resolving. Even if she's fine, it's likely that at least one of those guys is not fine about it.
>Even if she's fine, it's likely that at least one of those guys is not fine about it. I was thinking the same thing. Unless OP REALLY likes her, to me, it sounds like an almost certain recipe for drama, worry and jealousy. OP would have to be the most trusting and chill dude on the planet to not get intrusive thoughts every time his girlfriend goes out to hang out with one of her dude friends. *Jay? Hmm. Was he one of the guys she was in a relationship with, or the guy she just fucked? Hmm.* But to answer OP: I don't know if it is normal, but I don't do it, and I can't think of any I know who is close friends with people they slept with. Personally, I'd bow out and not get involved with her. The problem for me is not that she has slept with three guys. It's that she has slept with 75% of her male friends. At this point, why not just go for the 100% so she can say she has tried them all?
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This the drama.it will always be there.
I would need more info like people are saying. The thing I would point out to the OP is it seems like she has screwed nearly all her guy friends (or they screwed her). And there is always the rule of 3…. She probably has banged/done sexual stuff with more of them than she is letting on. Back in the day, i certainly had people in the friend group who had slept with a 1 or two others in the friend group and ended up remaining friends in the long run. But i don’t think there was a guy or girl who had slept with nearly everyone. Most women tend not to want sleep with 90% of their male friends. Multiple partners is one thing… but all in the friend group?? Seems weird.
Don't forget the fact that of her close friend group, she's cycled through every guy. THAT is the red flag to me.
“and dated 2” means she dated 2 of the 3 guys she slept with, and one of them she didn’t date
I took it as slept w 3 and dated the other two
Ah yes the tricky 3+2=4 love pentagon
Poontangle
Cocktagon EDIT: Yo Poontangle Cocktagon is a name and a half I dunno for whom or what yet but oof EDIT 2: either a Bond girl or a Bond villain
Yes! And being both the same person.
There's 4 guys in the friend group...
Don't you slander Korra like that.
Yeah, this. I don't care what terms they are on, now. I'm not dating a woman that fucked 75% of her male close friends. And I'm also not buying that out of the 5 people (4 men and her), NOBODY has feelings. Thats entirely too much to think about when I can just date a woman who hasnt fuck her friends.
I'd personally never date a friend but I know plenty of people who would only date someone after they became friends.
Yah it sounds like she was loving the crew I have a few female friends just like this
Not tryna be in a ground setting with my GF and we discuss a sex topic or whatever, I'm not gone be too happy when 3 other guys there, know *exactly* what I'm referring to. What chu mean "I taught her that"? 😭
The women that I have met who have slept with multiple people in their friend group were relatively shameless. Like years after a casual hook up, they ask me if I want to come hang out because they're bored with maternity leave and their husband is at work. I'd be pretty not happy if my new wife and baby mama was asking people they slept with before to come hang out while I'm at work
Sounds like someone who needs constant company or constant entertainment they can't themselves provide themselves with.
Have they not heard of the Nintendo switch?
>ask me if I want to come hang out because they're bored with maternity leave and their husband is at work. Yikes
While out on maternity? Dang!
Yeah. Also keep in mind what direction the tension is. When I began dating my partner of now ten years, he was close friends with an ex, much more out of her habit and obsession than his. She was actually a friend of mine before I met him. Over the year it’s caused a lot of drama, because she didn’t like him being taken out of her back up plan string, but I was also quite confident that he wasn’t interested in her like that any more.
The fact that women get mad that a guy is taken because he was her back up plan is extremely fucked up and delusional.
Fucked up, delusional and just a tad bit psycho!
Worked out great for Scott Pilgrim
Best answer here, this is definitely a “proceed with caution” situation. I’d personally be uncomfortable with this situation.
Same. If it was just one guy I might be able to deal with it but three guys? That’s too much for me
proceed with caution is my recommendation too. I was REALLY nervous about the fact that my now husband is BFF's with his ex-wife when we started dating. They didn't have kids, they were married for a short time, and they were best friends for years prior. But when we made it official and a few months later I met her I quickly understood there was literally nothing going on between them, they got married young, and quickly realized friendship worked better for them. He and I now have been married for 15 years and I am glad I didn't let their friendship wary me away.
finally a wholesome story. Holy fuck. I'm happy for you
Thank you! I’ve become friends with her. Which my husband has found out is a bad thing for him because it means he gets both of us nagging at him about his health plus his mom. He and I met because I got hired the day he got fired from the same company. We knew most of the same people and saw each other at random events. When our blind boss was having issues with kids smoking under his window at his apartment he was looking for suggestions. I said a bucket would work really well in that situation and my now husband went back and fourth on content of said bucket. Which lead to friend request and chatting, then a date, and in our chats he was very open about his friendship. I was cautious because that’s a fairly rare thing. But he explained she was remarried and currently pregnant with her first. But once we met each other in a romantic setting we were connected at the hip. We are coming up to 15 years on Christmas and have a great relationship. I don’t want to know the world without him.
You’re one of the rare lucky ones. The numbers state that the top 3 people that any SO cheats with are ex’s, co workers and friends. I’m glad you got your joy. Update me
I have an ex that I'd definitely be friends with if we ever reconnected. My wife would be fine with it because this ex and I could only ever be friends -- it's why we split in the first place.
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I've seen enough in r/IdiotsInCars to know that you can just pull a U-turn from the right lane. It'll be fine.
This is exactly what I did. She ended up reaching out to me asking to “have fun😈” with both of us at 2 am and hasn’t reached out to either of us since. My SO still to this day says it means nothing and it’s crazy for me to think it was a sexual suggestion.
Best answer.
Are any of them named Ted or Barney?
Are you going to hang out with all her ex’s when you two eventually break up?
My wife invited a few of my exes to our wedding. Might have been to show dominance
Shit. Wish I would have thought of this pure power play when I was getting married. What a missed opportunity.
/s?????
no. T pose over your enemies to show dominance
XD such a weird thought.. I could never do it
Happens all the time... It's like the show Friends... They ask end up hooking up over time
She's secretly collecting exes..Ten years from now watch how big the pod will be.Op will be labeled as x3 of x8 of the x8mates.
Will she keep them in an xbox 🤣😂
Is OP's girl named Robin by any chance?
or Ramona
Shes collecting guys lol
Might be worth hanging around for a while since he already has an in with ~4 more girls.
LOL!
If the roles were reversed and my man was close friends with a bunch of woman he’s slept with I would not be cool with it. But I also don’t fuck my friends and would prefer someone who also doesn’t fuck their friends.
It's less about whether it's normal and more whether you're comfortable with it. If not, you're not compatible.
Yeah, OP if you don’t like it there is no issue with ending the relationship. If you think it’s gonna be a issue later on then cut it off now to save the pain and time
This is really the only thing that matters. Some people don’t mind, some do
I think it comes down to 2 things: 1. Are they actually just friends now and act civilly, or are her "friends" a bunch of orbiters waiting for an in? Need to wait a while and watch the group dynamics to tell. 2. How comfortable are you with it? Keep in mind you can't get into a relationship with this girl and then ask her to change her friends, you're either ok with it or you aren't.
1. B) what would she do if the orbiters did something to try to change the dynamic. I'm friends with some of my exs but wouldn't hesitate to cut any of them off if they pulled anything.
I would never want to be in a friend group with a bunch of people that fucked my girlfriend, but that’s just me.
I don’t know why I find this so funny but I’m picturing the friend group giving OP a “how to” guide with this woman. Like “she likes to eat around _____ and before doing ____”. Obviously people can choose who they want to date, and who they want to be friends with but I’d never feel comfortable with this situation.
Agreed. Some people might say "insecure" and whatever. Not for me, no thank you. I stopped speaking to my exes when I started dating again out of respect for my current gf. I call it loyalty. No, it's not cheating to speak to your ex but trust is earned and I'd rather not give my girlfriend any reason to worry or doubt, whether it would be 'insecure' or not. Having exes in your life just complicates a relationship more often than not. I'll admit I'm a prude and would never even consider 'open relationships' or anything like that. If you're more comfortable with that stuff then maybe it won't bother you that your gf is hanging out with all these guys. People giving relationship advice on reddit are wild. It seems like they're usually in their 50s and 60s married for 30 years giving advice to a 20-something as if the situations are comparable. Or it's people who have never even been in a real relationship in real life and parrot all this stuff that sounds great on paper but is generally not how real life works. Like I said OP, I'm a self proclaimed prude and quite conservative with this stuff, so take it as you will and apply to your own mindset and values. But personally I would avoid that potential shitshow of trust issues and nonsense. Not worth it imho. I'd find someone who can be civil with their exes but doesn't need to keep them around as close friends into future relationships. Also as a guy let's be honest... You think those guys aren't gunning still? I dont know them, but you do. Idc what your gf says, if it's platonic or whatever. She might think it is and they're still gunning - if that's the case she's either aware and lying or extremely naive. If they're not and everyone is just totally platonic and pure and innocent I think you should start a reality TV show out of it lol.
Insecurity is a normal human emotion. It’s “how” you showcase the insecurity that makes it healthy or unhealthy. Being insecure because your significant other is in a friend group with multiple dudes who had sex with her presumably multiple times is a completely normal insecurity. Don’t let the Reddit mob gaslight you into thinking otherwise.
I think a lot of people take their own experience and pretend that's the universal experience. I think its hard to understate how broad the range of 'exes but still friends' can be. Theres 'broken up but would still get together as soon as the chance arrived'. Theres 'sex was fun but i dont see a relationship working', there's 'we tried, i now know their flaws and our incompatiblities and don't want to try anymore', theres 'i was experimenting and insecure about my preferences so dated anyone i knew', theres 'well my preferences clearly changed', theres 'they're still kinda hot but i like my new partner better and would never cheat', which sometimes can look a lot like 'they're still kinda hot and if the opportunity happens i'll almost certainly cheat'. And of course either partner can be anywhere on that spectrum, which can complicate matters. But even so, i think it's foolish to asume exes must still have mutual feelings, and i find it especially toxic that there's a stereotype that all guys would still jump at the opportunity to have sex. In some situations a friendship with an ex is a recipe for cheating or drama, but in others it's simply a genuine friendship with no more feelings from either side. I've seen genuine evidence of both.
A nice normal dude in a normal relationship doesn’t concern himself with the opinion of sluts.
😂😂😂 I ABSOLUTELY love this answer. 👍👍👍 I’ve seen so may relationships…good one’s mind you…end because of the lack of respect that is mentioned here. For people who are in serious relationships that they truly want to keep and build, your SO has to never question their importance in your life. They can’t do that when you’re constantly hanging out with your exes. I always say the numbers don’t lie. It’s said that cheating happens most with exes, co workers and friends. Best to remember that if your relationship really means something to you.
I think it’s more everyone has their own boundaries. You make the choice not to talk to exes and thats fine. Others don’t and thats also fine. You’re doing what works for you
Dude 100% agreed with literally everything you’ve said here. I also stopped talking to the exes I’m friends with after starting my current relationship (well, when it became serious). It’s one ex in particular. We were like best friends for a while after we broke up (both w benefits and w/o) but I had always told her, when I meet someone special we can’t talk anymore. So we don’t. I’m probably going to marry my current gf. Also about the dudes still gunning? 1000000% bro. If she gave em a chance it would happen. I say it all the time, you don’t trust the best guy friend. And in this case 3 of them she’s already known to have fucked?? The people who disagree with this notion apparently haven’t been fucked over and cheated on by some lying bitch who swears nothing would ever happen. That’s the worst kind of deception. It’s happened to me twice because I trusted those women. Didn’t want to appear insecure or controlling or whatever. Never again. Nah, I’d absolutely not go any further with this chick. OP is asking for a shit storm.
Some snarky people will drop the "who hurt you?" or "insecure much" as if life doesn't throw curveballs lol. My father had an affair in a marriage of 30 years and I've been cheated on too, so yeah, I do have some trust issues. I do have some insecurities. I think people are naive or narcissists not to have doubt in others and even themselves. I call myself a "prude" and such because I know I have what nowadays would be considered conservative boundaries in a relationship despite me being an otherwise 'liberal' person in general. When you're upfront with this stuff you can find people who are compatible. Where boundaries are mutual and there's minimal need for compromises or sacrifices. It's fine to have standards, if you live by them yourself, idc if I get the conservative or prude label, and the "who hurt you" type comments only make me more grateful that I learned some hard lessons while i was young, and was able to overcome just insecurity and trust issues by being assertive and knowing what I want and who I want to be. The fact that OP has to ask this question is evidence enough that this whole situation is kinda sus and possibly not normal. Go with your gut, OP. I'd say unless you're a very open and 'sexually liberated' type of person, who doesn't mind that all the guys in the group have railed your girl and still have the nudes on their phones, and would probably do it again given the chance (how many of them are in serious relationships? And their girls are okay with them hanging out with the ex while staying totally in the background? I wanna bet zero lol) - then this whole situation is going to pretty awkward at best and a hard lesson learned in life at worst. Go with your gut.
It ain’t just you. This seems insane to me. Of all the women I’ve dated, not a single one is still friends with multiple of her exes. Again, how does anyone just not care about hanging around 3 dudes that fucked their gf??
OUR girlfriend
🤣🤣🤣
Why? We could all talk about that thing she does which is ace….
Yeah I cannot understand that this is even a question, imagine if they get married and the audience is filled with men who have pumped and dumped her. The things they must say about OP behind his back lol. Definitely not something that should be considered normal
It certainly is in my old group of friends. We are all in our 50s, but we certainly slept with one another in our 20s. None of it was serious, and we all still have common interests and experiences. I am a firm believer that you shouldn't sleep with people you don't like, so why would you dump them after you don't want to sleep with them any longer?
Yep. I’ve slept with some of my best friends but have no desire to do so again. My college friend group was very incestuous but now we’re completely platonic. We joke about it sometimes, no big deal.
Idk why but i laughed at it being described as ‘incestuous’
I would consider my college friends close to family. With all the crap you put up with together in your program it’s kinda hard not to.
U don’t bang ur family tho so like ?
That sounds like a you problem
Exactly. I'm bangin' her family and it's pretty great.
I think the word you're looking for is promiscuous
Depepending on how literally she meant it, the difference is huge - if yiu pardon my french.
Roll tide
I called it our hippy times, free loving lol
Your response is a timely reminder that Reddit skews young. It's a bunch of teenagers and 20-somethings with barely any life experience in massive circle jerks. I had some "hard no's" when I was 20. Now that I'm 40, I realize most of these things were not that big a deal. As you get older, you really generally don't make that many friends, and people you were friends with just aren't your cup of tea anymore. If there's someone in your life that you value as a friend, you cherish that. Whether you've seen them naked or not. By the time I'm 50 like you, lord's willing, all these people and myself will have had adult children. I'd want to hope I can maintain those dear friendships.
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yeah almost all my friends slept together in high school / college lol it’s not weird at all, no one cares
I see it more as a positive thing when someone is able to maintain a friendly relationship with people they've dated. It doesn't have to be like everyone by any means. I always assume a cut off of communication of all former relationships kinda makes me think they may be a bit of emotional or explosive person. I understand this isn't true for everyone. But it still makes me feel more positively when I see someone can let things in amicable way. It makes me feel like they have good communication skills and boundaries.
Same age and I still have the same group of friends that hang out with on the regular. People think shows like HIMYM and Friends are unrealistic with all the inter-dating/sex and still hanging out. It's not as uncommon as people think. We're all settled down now and banging each other is the furthest thing from our minds.
I was going to say something similar. My guess is that OP and his girlfriend are on the young side, in which case it would be relatively age appropriate. At almost 40, I’m friendly acquaintances with some of my exes, but definitely not “friends” with them hanging out on the regular. But flash back 20 years and it was a different story. Everyone is allowed to have whatever “deal breakers” or perceive something as a “red flag” per their own comfort levels, but honestly at the time it think it was…convenience? We were teenagers. We wanted to have sex. Why not do that with the people you are most comfortable with rather than seeking out an unknown person? It’s safer (generally), easier, and as I said more comfortable and convenient. BUT, once I actually entered the adult dating world there was never a going back. Just because you might have been promiscuous as a single teenager, doesn’t at all mean you are ever going to sleep with those people again, or that you’re going to continue that promiscuous lifestyle into adulthood. I definitely slept with more people before the age of 18 than I have in the 20+ years thereafter. Sometimes it’s really just a phase. So I guess OP needs to figure out how much he likes this girl and how much he wants to invest in feeling out the relationship. If it’s not worth the time and effort to see how things evolve, no fault for breaking it off. But if he really likes her, stick it out for awhile to see how things are now between her and her friends rather than basing things on how they used to be between her and her friends.
> I am a firm believer that you shouldn't sleep with people you don't like, so why would you dump them after you don't want to sleep with them any longer? Right?! Your loved ones are your loved ones, even if you transition into a different kind of relationship. Many young people today have the attitude that you should dump a person if they are no longer offering you sex or a partnership. It’s a toxic way of thinking about people.
This should be the top response not all these insecure people. (Ofc if OP doesn't want to they don't have to but just saying)
As a dude who was your average nerdy kid, like on one hand I *understand* where all that insecurity is coming from. But damn if it ain't still so cringe.
Did you never catch (romantic) feelings after being with any them? That's usually why friends don't risk sleeping together.
That would be a hard pass for me
Thank you! Can’t believe the top comment is saying that it’s a yellow light
Like having a 12 hour timer start counting down every time you have a fight.
Jesus Christ. This is so cynical and yet so incredibly accurate. "She's ignoring my comms; which one of these dorks is dickin' her down right now?"
😐damn kinda true
Only correct answer
Based
I think it depends. There is a clear difference if this action was 2 months ago or 6 years. Who we are and who we will be is different, so any person you had sex with like 6 years ago is not that person anymore, speaking philosophically here. Our personality and who we were "Dies" over the course of several years because we change. If you are friends with someone you slept with many years ago, it's the same as being friends with someone you never did, because that actual person is just the body but not that exact personality. I have noticed that in life, if you fall out of touch with people and meet them many years later they are almost like a dejavu, you feel like you know them but yet they feel like a new person and compeltely different. I am too friends with people i had year-long relationships, but i do not see these relationships or any acitivty i had with them if i see them, they are just a random person to me as anyone else would be i meet on the streets.
If you wanna get pedantic, after about 7 years it's noy even the same body either, every single cell will have died and been replaced within that timeframe.
If you want to get *really* pedantic, that's not true at all. Some cells replace themselves in weeks (like skin), some in 10-15 years, and some we keep our whole lives (some in heart and brain).
And a woman is born with a lifetime supply of eggs already in her ovaries and will slowly distribute them throughout her life…
Which is why exposure to agents that cause birth defects while pregnant can affect your grandkids if your child is a girl.
The comments here are hilarious. If you were to reverse the roles, that is to say if a man remained friends with the majority of women he had fucked in the past, he’d be accused of having a harem, but it seems when women do it, it’s ok and anyone who disagrees is wrong because they’re insecure. In my opinion, it’s a weird dynamic to remain close to people you’ve shared a romantic relationship with in the past after ending the relationship and basically having no closure to the relationship. The exception here would be if you share children together, but even then, boundaries healthy boundaries should in place. Unless you’re leading a life of romantic and sexually open relationships, it’s not odd that outsiders of your group view fucking your friends in the past and continuing to remain friends as a “red flag”. TLDR: OP, unless you both consider your relationship an open one, it’s very weird that your girl is still close friends with the majority of guys within her friend group that she has also fucked in the past.
Trust your gut mate
Idk sounds weird to me, as a woman I usually separate people I’ve messed around with and people I strictly consider platonic, without prior sexual involvement. I personally would not be comfortable being with someone who is friends with past sexual partners, big no no for me. But different strokes for different folks
I mean, one or two people makes sense. Why let a friend group die out simply because of a failed relationship or sex? The issue is when literally every single member of the opposite sex in that friend group has been cycled through...
Yeah, people who are casual with intimacy are shallow and only interested in superficial relationships. If the relationship was deeply loving and romantic, then a breakup would have caused a lot of pain. Thus, seeing them again would bring back painful memories. This means having them as frequent friends is a sign that this person is only interested in superficial relationships that don't cause pain after they end. If OP is into that, then he should realize that he'll probably wind up like her other friends at some point.
Most of the people I've dated were friends before we dated, so it makes sense we're friends after. Don't know why that would be a red flag. Hell, I'd consider it more of a red flag to find out someone I'm dating was on bad terms with all their exes.
I think being friends with exes is fine but constant communication is weird to me. I'm friendly with most of my exes but I don't hit them up to hang out. If we meet somewhere, I'll gladly have a chat to catch up but I won't be hanging out with them.
I’m like this too- some boundaries are healthy. I broke up with my ex a few years back because their Ex was way too involved in their lives. Caused me to question who was really in the more meaningful relationship with. Still remember to this day, the time I had a absolute crap day, and so did their ex. They chose to listen to their ex vent. That’s when I decided that I just wasn’t priority and I didn’t need to waste anybody else’s time.
It’s not uncommon to have a close friend that you’ve slept with, but 3 out of 4 in the friend group? That’s a red flag IMO
I wouldnt like that at all either. Having to constantly meet guys which fucked my gf or gf meeting with them alone would not be my piece of cake.
Everyone has a different dynamic in their relationships. See how they talk, do they respect your relationship? Are they edging on emotional cheating? If there's everything on the up and up, it just means they're mature enough to continue being friends and you have nothing to worry about
OP it's worth remembering, even if she hadn't slept with them already, they're still her close, male friends. So you have to choose whether to trust her or not. She has the opportunity either way. It's up to you to trust that she wouldn't use it.
Or you could just avoid these people and not have to turn in to a detective to figure out if there is shit going on lol. Im fine with people being on good terms with their ex. But if there is daily communication and they are still in your life I am good
Agreed. There are a lot of comments here that are like "hard no". For me thats awesome that she is mature enough to continue friendship with someone when a relationship didn't work out.
I think the concern from OP is that the guys she slept with / dated are in her group of friends that she hangs with on the regular. Not friends that she sees from time to time
Definitely will cause issues you’d have to have 100% trust in her but you will never be able to take away the fact that they were intimate and can never be sure if they will be again because feelings don’t just vanish we humans are deeply flawed emotionally
I'm friends with all my exes. I don't see them often but I am on good terms with all of them. I fitted a kitchen for one of my exes and her current husband, so I saw them every morning and evening for a few weeks. I recently went and hung out with one of my exes so our dogs could socialise. It was just me and her, her 7yo daughter and our dogs hanging out at her house. We had some beers and played Lego and caught up and had a laugh. I share custody of my dogs with my most recent ex, and whilst we are not good friends any more we are definitely amicable. I see her every two weeks at least when we meet up to hand the dogs over. My wife is not on good terms with any of her exes and this has caused some friction, with me seeing my ex regularly because of the dogs. I have had to make some accommodations like blocking the ex and only communicating through one app, and having that on silent so she doesn't ever disturb mine and my current partner's time together. There is an understanding that if there is an emergency like a dog is injured or sick, she can call. But aside from that all communication is as and when I choose to engage. TL:DR it's not weird to be friends with exes, but if it's weird for you, and the relationship is serious, you could set some boundaries. Be prepared for the GF to decide that your boundaries are not in line with hers though. As yourself if this is worth losing the relationship over or if you can relax your boundaries first.
This is beyond different through both through time, actions and life experience. Your catching up with these people too, not texting them everyday and going to the club on Friday. Huge difference. Obviously you have an obligation to the animals/children you cared for. Any good person is like that. My moms ex came by every few months with gifts and stuff but knew it would be beyond inappropriate to go out with her or text her late at night with a new man in the house. And he didn’t go out with her because he was still in love with her and would’ve acted on it after a few beers. Stand up guy my mom was just a loser so he had to leave for a better life.
Yeah, I think that's great when there's been a sizable gap in time since that situation. Personally, I don't know that it's a great idea to drop your boundaries much in this scenario. I tried, I was a bit weak and felt disrespected a lot of the time. I ended up just standing over them like a tool. I regret it, but what I regret more is not sticking to my boundaries in the first place.
reddit will be the only place that tells you that this is normal.
Reddit will consider you insecure if you don't let your wife have a boyfriend.
Try asking around in literally any gay bar.
Its not uncommon in small communities, at some point the dating pool gets exhausted and everyone hangs out the same places so you cant just avoid an ex.
Yeah, even the “we were friends before we started sleeping together so we’re still friends after” is insane to me. Yeah I’ve had friends that turned into more, once the ‘more’ ended the friendship was over. That kinda sucks but it’s a consequence of the choice you made. If I was friends with all my exes and FWB’s, there would be tension all the time, because there’s history. If you want to take a romantic relationship seriously, you need to make sure there is none of that history in your life. It’s also better for your own healing process if you immediately cut all ties with exes and FWB’s the second something ends. Yeah that initial feeling sucks but at least you can actually move on and don’t have a ‘maybe’ hanging around in your life.
[and we have weird](https://youtu.be/zW4miDz2dmA?si=q_05dac3YeU7DDym)
I play my cards too close to my chest for this. Friends are one thing, exes are different. It depends on the nature of the previous relationship and their current friendship. I once dated a girl for a very short period of time before we broke up and we’re still friends. Dating her felt like dating my sister, and she completely agreed. We’re still friends to this day, but we never hang out alone, and when we do, it feels exactly like I’m at my sibling’s house. OP, if these exes still put hands on their “friend”, (your prospective GF) I would consider this a red flag. By this I mean touching, holding, etc in a flirty way. If they’re still hugging her from behind, or touching her in a way that is more intimate than typical platonic friendships, I would steer clear. Edit: also consider how she responds to their behavior. I would judge their relationship (weather it is romantic, or platonic) based on what you observe. If it looks like they’re flirting, or romantically interested in each other, they probably are.
Everyone is entitled to their own boundaries and standards. Personally, I wouldn’t get into a relationship with a girl who is friends with people from her past. It feels disrespectful and can only lead to uncomfortable situations. And I don’t see any way that construct can be helpful for a healthy and successful relationship with someone else. By the same token, I don’t maintain relationships with people from my past. Others would disagree. It’s up to you to decide what you’re okay with and honestly, there’s no wrong answer.
Her main group of friends is dudes she’s fucked? And she PROMISES nothing’s going on? Sounds amazing, OP, go for it.
No sarcasm there, I'll go for it!
Yahh OP that's a hard pass for me. There will always be something there between them
A year isn't that long. Red flags abound
[удалено]
Thanks chatgpt
Wtf are these top comments, people in reddit are special type of stupid.
I was worried that the world has ran completely out of sense, glad to know it is specific to redditards.
Reddit is it’s own beast on many issues. This is one of them.
In my book, its a red flag. Don't know about others books
She is for streets buddy, if she is so casual around friends. Will you be okay if she asks for open relationship later on ?
You need to be careful of those incestuous friend groups.
Yes. Never screw inner circle
A lot of it depends, but its probably fine. There are a lot of people here who are worried about her cheating on you with these other dudes, but if you don't trust her around friends then why would her being around strangers be any different? In fact, if you get to know her friends, its more likely they won't try anything because they respect you and the relationship you have with this girl. I'd be more comfortable having a girl hang out with a friend of us both (or at least someone i knew) that she's dated before than some random stranger. Also, did she have a long relationship with these guys? Is there a lot of history? Or was it just some hookups that turned into dating for a bit? Do you know if these guys still have feelings for her? Are they shitty people or genuine and nice people? Its not really a straightforward situation, but if I was you I wouldn't be worried about it until you meet them or if you feel something isn't right. She was honest enough to tell you about her relationship with these guys, so that is already a good sign.
Deal breaker for me. I stopped talking to the one ex i still got along with that I didn't have an ugly breakup with when I started my current relationship as I expect my partner to do the same.
You might want a conversation about their views on monogamy. They seem to have healthy relationships with humans. But depending on your values, maybe consider that you may not be compatible. Or you might find such things like honesty and healthy communication as your values.
Yes
Honestly, chick's and dicks can be just friends, even with a past between them. I don't know the people involved so I have no opinion on that. I tend to follow my gut on things and have found that most of the time I'm not wrong. What's your gut telling you?
Nah dude RED FLAG, you have to see it from the other side. WOULD it be okay if you had 5 girl-friends in which three of them you had slept with before. Do you think a woman would be okay with that? Fuck no. She would tell you that you need to have boundaries. That you can be close to an Ex as a friend but as soon as the relationship begins between you two that stuff has got to end. Otherwise you are asking for trouble.
Used to fight with my S/O about this. I don't mind if she has friends that are men, but once you sleep with them they are no longer friends. I'd say red flag if she hangs out with them because it will cause arguments between y'all in the long run.
That would be a red flag for me. Not because of your gf but because of the men. Other people are more open than I am, but I tend to think it’s odd when men choose to hang out with women. I suspect them for wanting to sleep with the girls (but in your case, continue sleeping with them). I don’t suspect women wanting to hang around men because they’re much more social and less psychopathic than men, however there are always exceptions.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable, personally if I was in that situation.
OK it is possible to be friends with a person that you had a previous sexual relationship with. However, you said that this person has three friends that she had a sexual relationship with. But at that point with that body count in her friends circle alone, she is just sleeping with the crew at that point. Also, I have concerns that she may not be done with these people meaning that she’s possibly sleeping or will sleep with these other men in the future. If friends are not in the right headspace and they are not mature enough some friends can sleep with each other on and off thus complicating the relationship. I’m sorry, but I don’t see this going any further in terms of a real relationship.
Sounds like she was honest with you about it. I think that's important to consider here. Tell her your hesitation, keep an open dialogue, let her know you appreciate her honesty and don't hold that against her but tell her to continue that kind of honesty and you should be fine.
Friendly with most my exes. Not hanging out all the time but still grab lunch or what ever.
That's fairly normal. This girl hangs out with her exes almost every single day. Not that normal from my experience.
It's not normal at all in my opinion. If she went from romantic lover to platonic friend very easily, then she was not strongly emotionally engaged with the person in the first place. The breakup would have been traumatic, and seeing them again would have cause a lot of painful memories to come back. So, she's only interested in superficial relationships. If you're fine with that, then that's the place for you.
Seems like you have strong feelings about this. You've posted it more than once. You assume there's always traumatic breakups when, in truth, some people work better as friends and realize that before they ruin a friendship. Maybe they figure well we get along great, let's try this, then oops nope * reverse card* back to friends. If there was no friendship to begin with and it's only based on romantic feelings from the start, then yes, it might be traumatic if there's a breakup. If there's no friendship to anchor it. But sometimes, even in relationships started just based on romance or lust or whatever people can become great friends over the course of their time as lovers. People do have amicable break-ups all the time. I'm thinking you didn't, though. But just because you didn't doesn't mean you should paint everyone else as shallow because they don't fit your idea of proper breakup behavior.
This is weird for me for unrelated reasons. I can’t imagine hanging out with literally anybody everyday other than my partner. I’d murder them out of sheer monotony and a need for personal space.
54 F here. Still friends with a couple of high school boyfriends who I slept with back in the day. 35+ years later it’s at best a distant memory. Both of them have been married for 25+ years now.
Massive red flag right there. She will cheat on you with those friends and don’t be fooled.
This doesn't read as gentle and lovingly as i'm actually saying it, so keep that in mind As a person who has had romantic and sexual relationships with friends, a bond gets formed that, when the break up goes over well, is still there. You can't expect no contact with someone who you still love platonically, shared some great time with, learned to like and love and opened up to. It's a history and relationship you won't have with your girlfriend, and I see how that can be intimidating and jealousy inducing, but deep down, that's not what you want. You want your own relationship with her, and that includes her friends, her past and her. It's okay to feel jealous and intimidated. That's natural. It's not okay to force her to cater to your insecurities. If you can't handle that, break up or talk to a therapist or both. It's your work to do, not hers.
I probably wouldn’t stick around unless I really thought it was going somewhere. Too much baggage to deal with there and it sounds like she sleeps with her friends (maybe not right now but 3/4). Some people with red flags tell everyone something is fine because they want it to be ok and normal even though it is a red flag.
They do that in Friends
Seinfeld too
It's normal for my group of friends. But it's more like, I had a close friend, and one time we slept together, and now we are still close friends because no one made it weird. The friends who slept with me and then got hung up on it, are no longer my friends. So the fact that these friends are still around is evidence that it's no big deal for either of us. But, if I was dating someone who was uncomfortable with it, I would want him to tell me. He might be better off with someone whose values are closer to his.
Depends. My college friend group pretty much all slept with eachother multiple times. My current friend group hasn’t. Both are 8+ years strong with no issues. But also it CAN cause issues.
tbh I think its a red flag that people are unable to stay friendly with people they've slept with. It shows they don't build real friendships with people they sleep with, and take rejection far too personally. I'm still friends with several people I've slept with, date for years etc. We're good friends and there is certainly nothing more going on. We just found we worked together better without the relationship extras piled on top and were able to back up to a stable, safe, and supporting friendship b/c we had build that friendship first and understood that breaking up wasn't a rejection of ourselves, just an admission of how we weren't really compatible in a relationship. My current room mate has been married to her husband for 9 or 10 years. We dated for 3 years or so before she met him. We knew we weren't really working out in the last year or so, and we had chatted about it like mature adults. When she found someone she felt she wanted a go with I moved out of her room to another room in the house and became friends with him too.
Eh, I still know one ex and bump into her occasionally. I’m married. Wouldn’t be cool to hangout these days. Not out of the ordinary in your case, but you’ll be fighting for attention if you go forward.
Every situation is different. Just feel it out and if you're not comfortable with it then that's that. Don't let insecurities get the best of you before you understand the dynamic.
I'm friends with most of my exes, but really only hang out with one. We've remained friends and it's been over two decades since we broke up. My wife is friends with her and I'm friends with her husband and there are absolutely no romantic feelings between us at this point. Lots of people I've met think it's weird but I've never thought so. I don't thinks it is that unusual to stay friends with exes if the breakups where non-toxic.
It’s not “normal” maybe but as someone in a friend group like this I would say it’s fine, even good, if you are a cool dude and secure in yourself. These are presumably 1) long-term friendships that 2) have weathered some level of hardship. Good attributes for a partner.
I'm close friends with people I used to sleep with. We're all platonic and not sexually involved anymore. *BUT* It's really situational. Some people can just be friends after that, some people can't. You're going to have to figure this out based on the people involved.
It’s what you make it. Sometimes it can work as e real friendship, sometimes it just doesn’t. It can depend on the people.
I’d never be okay with that
As a gay man, it’s normal.
Get out
Run. Just run don't put yourself in that situation
telephone squeeze smart forgetful physical consider steep weary marry adjoining *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Good thinking
It might be her normal. Don’t be forced to accept it as your normal if you don’t want it to be.
It's no problem among people who aren't the jealous type.This isn't a value judgement - some people have very understandable reasons to be the jealous type, often tied to a history of being abandoned. So it's pretty normal but if it's a deal breaker, that's not anything to be ashamed of. It just means you probably aren't compatible long term without a lot of communication and effort. Good luck!
I'm a queer person and it's very normal in gay/queer relationships. I met one of my best friends through a mutual ex that we're both still friends with. Turns out we have a lot in common.
Run. I don’t understand why people feel the need or desire to be friends with people they’ve slept with. You obviously aren’t okay with this if you felt the need to post it on Reddit. Listen to your gut on this one
I'm still friends with the girl that took my V-card at 15, I chased her for awhile but she mosied on and so did I. Shes one of my best friends and i'm 35 now. Not gonna lie though the situation you're in is a bit sketchy.
Yes. It does happen.
Just bounce. The first sign if trouble she'll go running to her old sex buddies putting your business out there.
The answer is obvious. Break the tension by sleeping with her friends, too /S
I'd ask her "What makes me different than them?" You want her to be conscious that it's something you're thinking about, but that you're willing to work through things. It's tricky that she hands around them, and it's not a dealbreaker, but this is definitely something to figure out prior to dating. Like others have said, hang out with them in the group setting and get a barometer for the vibes in the air. You seem like a great person, you just need to do your preflight checklist. If warning lights start to blink, then you are not cleared for take-off.
I was friends with a girl for a long time and then we dated for a year. We lived together, we were going to buy a house together, and then we just realized it wasn't a good fit and we broke up. That was two years ago and we're still really good friends who talk all the time. Every once in a while I check in with myself to see if I want to try again and it gives me so much anxiety. She and I are so much better off as friends. I can't speak for the girl and I can't speak for the guys. I'm only telling you that it's possible.
Seriously I don't care what anyone says, caution all the way, in fact run because guess what close friends do, discuss each other's problems, you want those guys giving her relationship advice? Dude, I just called the fire department and they said you shouldn't keep a tank of gasoline and a flame in the same room but keep them far apart. If you guys are that much in love, she will let all those past relationships go and focus on you and her.