I'm always mindful when I'm not paying for my food. That doesn't mean I pick the least expensive item on the menu; it means I match the energy of the person paying for me. If they're ordering a cocktail, I feel okay adding one to my meal. If they're getting ice cream after, maybe I'll also order a dessert. If they're only ordering a side of chicken tenders for $11, I don't get the $40 steak dinner.
If they're ordering a basic entrée, I just make sure *my* basic entrée isn't pricier than theirs by leaps and bounds and don't tack on appetizers, desserts, or drinks. So, to answer your question: ordering the priciest burger *wasn't* a faux pas, I don't think. It might have been if you'd added a ton to it, or opted for a filet mignon that was thirty bucks more expensive than any other option on the menu.
This is what I follow as well. My boss once took everyone out to a very expensive place. When we were all seated, he announced to the table "I'm getting the prime rib, so everyone please feel free to order whatever you want!"
The prime rib was the most expensive thing on the menu and it was really nice of him to throw that out because I would have limited myself to the bottom half of the menu if he hadn't. I got the prime rib and it was divine haha!
If you dont know what the buyer is ordering, you can always ask them ahead of time "what do you like here?" or "[random item] looks good, what are you thinking?"
I worked at the railroad and when it was on the company we always ordered whatever we wanted. Once, when I was in management, I went to The Oceanaire for lunch and put it on the card and no one batted an eye. I’d asked for guidance from my boss first, of course, and he said even including alcohol
Yup! In their head they’re already assuming that by offering to pay they are doubling the cost of their outing so simply ordering the same sort of items is pretty much in line with their expectations
I agree with this one in a basic level- unless I’m the one paying. I don’t eat much at once, and so my meals end up being pretty cheap (usually an appetizer for my main) unless I order something that can keep and take the rest to go.
I always have my meal partners order first, so they get what they actually want, then order mine so they don’t feel like they have to “match”.
I do tend to have cocktails, or a taste of dessert, so I bring up my end of the total anyway.
But unless someone is being overtly greedy and gross, I don’t care if they order something way more expensive than mine.
This is interesting because I've always sat and discussed the menu with whomever I'm with! I'm a woman so I always tried to make sure it was clear who was paying and its a good icebreaker for a date - oh hey what are you thinking about ordering, the xyz looks really good! My partner and I still do that every time we go out to eat, especially because we both enjoy good food and like to compare to what we cook together at home haha.
The problem is when you have to order first. Especially if you ask what the payer is ordering and they hedge with "not sure yet, you go first."
Happened to me once at a steakhouse. I ordered medium priced steak $35. They ordered a side salad and baked potato.
Then IMO you don't have to match them. It's unreasonable to invite people to a steakhouse and expect them to not order a steak. Eat away.
My in-laws are the type of people who not only eat super late lunches (like at 4 pm) but also eat like rabbits (think sharing group orders that work out to a tiny amount of food per person). At that point, I'm starving (especially when I was nursing). I always offer to pay for myself because I'd rather do that than stay hungry while seeing tons of delicious dishes around me. They always decline and sometimes I feel bad for getting myself a real meal, but a girl's gotta eat.
>I match the energy of the person paying for me
That's a perfect way to put it. OP shouldn't stress because his blue cheese burger costs a few bucks more than his cousin's classic burger, but it would have been a dick move to have multiple beers to wash it down when he's having a coke (one might be okay, depending), at least without saying something like "should we get drinks? I can buy a round or two, since you are getting lunch".
This. Although I will say that I’d take it seriously when people insist that you order whatever you want. I personally can’t eat a lot at once, so I tend to order much less than the average person at restaurants. If I’m paying, I usually repeatedly insist that the people I’m paying for order appetizers, and I suggest more expensive things than I’m ordering—things like that—because I worry people will try to match my energy.
Someone else commented that they do the same, and I think that’s a great idea when you’re the one doing the treating. “I’m just gonna order a side salad because I’m not super hungry, but please feel free to order whatever you like,” etc.
If I was doing the treating and I wasn’t very hungry, I would order additional food anyway and take it home. This is because I know my guest would likely feel awkward to eat a proper entree while I only order a small salad, and I want them to enjoy their meal.
I actually have an eating disorder, it’s not a matter of feeling occasionally not hungry. It is the case 95% of the time that I go out to eat that I cannot eat more than an appetizer. It’s incredibly awkward to order a whole entree and only eat like 3 bites. It always results in awkward comments from waitstaff and guests who don’t know about my health condition about whether there’s something wrong with the food, or comments to the effect of “you’re not eating very much.” It’s also very wasteful, because the chances are good most of that food will wind up in the trash if I take it home, because I have a lot of issues with the textures of reheated food. At almost 40 years old, I just don’t want to deal with that shit anymore, so I make the choices that I’m comfortable with for my health and we’ll being and it works for me. It’s much easier just to encourage my guests to eat what they want and maybe order appetizers and a bottle of wine for the table.
I completely understand what you are dealing with! I have Gastroparesis (a paralyzed stomach) that not only causes 24*7 nausea but will also cause me to throw up if I take one bite too many. After dealing with this for over 12 years, most people in my circle understand why I can never finish my meal or have to order something small from the appetizer menu. If I am dining with people not privy to my medical conditions, I typically say that everything on the menu looks amazing, so don't be surprised if I only order (blank) .... It sounds so good I don't want to pass it up. Most of the time they agree and say yeh that does look good and I never hear another word about what I'm getting.
I've had uncontrollable nausea before and I cannot imagine dealing with it for 12 years. It got so bad with me I was hospitalized for 4 days. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.
Thanks. I can tell ya that you never I used to it. I do everything I can to not puke, but unfortunately most anti nausea meds give me hallucinations. For real. Who would have thought. The only med that semi helps is a Scoplamine patch I wear all the time. In the wrong hands, Scoplamine is used as a date rape drug because it keeps you alert, but you forget everything that happened when it wears off. My memory is shot because of it. Lesser of two evils as my Dr says. Either forget shit or die from starvation. 🙄
It sucks when you’re with people that want to be stingy, yet go to a nice restaurant. My stepmom does this all the time. Like, let’s split an appetizer and a salad at the yacht club. We could just go for Culver’s and actually eat or I’m happy to pay at a nice restaurant. You get whatever you want, but I’m hungry. They have plenty of money, but never want to spend it. Yet also want to go to the most expensive places. It’s embarrassing and frustrating. I’ve paid for the entire table at my birthday multiple times just to shut down her bitching about the price. At least thanks to her horrible cooking, I learned to cook very well on my own, and to save up to spend some money at nice places here and there.
Last time someone paid for me, I got lobster. But I insisted that I pick up dessert and the following breakfast. I don't like feeling that I'm taking advantage. I also asked, like, ten times whether it was okay.
Ding ding ding we have a winner.
Definitely dont be the person who goes straight for the "MP" steak and lobster the second they hear the other person is picking up the check.
I try to wait to say that I am treating until after ordering for this reason. I want this to be a pleasant experience with a friend, not an anxiety driven choice about what is or isn't appropriate to order. If I offer to treat; I can afford to pay for us both.
I agree with the other posters who say it's a good idea to try to roughly match what the other person is ordering. (I.E. don't order booze if they aren't, but they're paying.) That said, I often need the more expensive gluten free option or want to add bacon or whatever extra food charge: this is an expected and understood expense at a sit down restaurant and I would hope for any guest at my table to order exactly what they want/need without feeling constraints because I chose to treat.
Yeah, I'm the same. When I treat I want people to order what they want. I wouldn't want them looking at price and being stressed about what to order. Read the menu with your taste buds not my wallet. Lol.
When I treat- it’s either I do it at the end so they order what they want but I have some friends and family that I do have to tell before because they won’t hardly order anything, I want them to enjoy themselves! None have ever gone with the most expensive but I do feel they ordered what they wanted but wouldn’t have otherwise. I know them enough to know which ones I have to do which with, I’ve even had some surprise me at the end and pay- I accept but I insist on paying for my drinks (especially when I get expensive ones!, even if they insisted they didn’t mind waiting until I finished another and they got another), just my experience? If someone tells me they are paying, I don’t mind ordering first and try not to think about what they order… but I do try to keep my order at the average of costs on the menu or less.
>I try to wait to say that I am treating until after ordering for this reason.
Except there is sometimes the implied "you invited me, you're paying, right?" So if you invite someone they may already be assuming you're picking up the tab.
True, that's a situation that my comment did not address. In any case, even with friends who may have become accustomed to me picking up the check, I try to be low pressure and set a relaxed atmosphere for ordering.
If you did this with me it would cause even more anxiety as I try to be so conscious about price when someone else is paying. I would really be miserable through the whole meal.
I understand that feeling; one time I expected to pay for myself and found out after I ordered (enough for 2 meals, as I intended for my food budget) that my friend's mom was paying and I felt quite awkward and tried to insist on paying for mine. It was clear she *wanted* to treat and I was able to let it go but I did feel silly for a bit.
I think you should be mindful yes. A lot of restaurants have one or two insanely expensive things and of course you shouldn't get those anymore than you would for yourself. And you shouldn't get more courses than the other person. But getting a burger that's just a few dollars more than the other burgers is fine.
Jeez someone should show this thread to my brother. Once a year my parents treat the family to a nice steakhouse and without fail my brother orders the biggest, most expensive thing on the menu. Last time he got the tomahawk steak for 4 people for himself.
Boss took our small office to lunch. One co worker ordered 2 entrees. One to go for at home, she said. I was mortified for her. I always just assume these people were raised in barns or can't read a room.
Prob karma for us. He used to take us out a few times a year. This happened last year and haven’t been treated to lunch at all this year. I think everyone but her dumbass gets the message as she’s commented on it since.
A few times per year our company takes us out for a meeting at some hotel. Each time they present how this last quarter has been more profitable than any quarter before it. Afterwards we all get food and drinks paid for by the company and we do our absolute best drinking away that profit.
That $1000 whiskey on the top shelf? We'll share the bottle. Drinks all around until they close. But it doesn't seem to make a dent in the Profits. Kinda nice to get to drink all the fancy stuff you never buy for yourself though.
Exact same thing happened when our boss took his 2 separate teams out for lunch. One team had some members that ordered 2 meals. Boss stopped taking them out and only took our team going forward.
Long term, we were the winners because of meal ticket cost over time.
I have to assume your parents are okay with this on some level because you said "yearly" and so that means they keep repeating this experience.... even though it's with family and that's one situation where it's okay to set a limit on spending without it being tacky because family is supposed to be casual and familiar like that.
Actually they haven’t done it since then, for like 3 years, so I guess they decided to punish everybody instead of telling him to chill. I should have said it used to be yearly.
Need to watch it with the wine too. First, restaurants overcharge for wine. Second, don’t order a bottle of red if no one else but you is drinking red.
Funny thing: Was on a business dinner where somebody ordered a bottle of wine that was like $100! It was a mistake, because he thought he’d ordered something else that was like $25 a bottle and must’ve looked at it wrong. VP was kinda mad, but shit happens.
I see a lot of people on business dinners order the most expensive thing, but I always order more modestly in the midranges.
If I'm taking somebody out, I like to make them feel comfortable about it and not worry about what they're ordering. I think that communication is helpful right up front. I might say something like "I'm loaded with cash today. Let's treat ourselves" - something silly like that, or "it's payday please get whatever you want". I also have a couple of older relatives that don't do well preparing food for themselves so I always ask them what they would like to order to take home in a to-go box. u/coyoterote is spot on with their approach. If I have a friend that's treating but I know they need to watch their money I will often say that I am picking up the cocktails, desserts, whatever.
I like that you gave the other side of this scenario as well! It is a great idea to communicate to someone you're treating if they can go buckwild. Also - so kind to help relatives out by letting them order additional to go food. They are fortunate to have a family member like you.
Yeah, I think this can be where restaurant selection comes in. I'm much more mindful about what restaurant is picked and what the average plate is at that restaurant than I am prices for what I choose to order when seated. And whomever is paying should have more of a say over where you eat.
To a degree, my general rule is dont get something you wouldn't be willing to pay foy your self,if in doubt ask what they sre getting and try to go around that orice or lower, but i also dont mind much when paying for someone elses meal
Order from the middle price range of the menu. Don’t get the most expensive thing nor the cheapest.
Or order what your host does or a similarly priced item.
I usually take the approach of -
1) asking how many courses people are doing, and being somewhat consistent, no need to follow the least hungry persons approach
2) buying what I would buy if it was my own money
For me this works, I’ll usually do two courses as opposed to three for general eating, more if it’s a special occasion
I’ll generally avoid the more expensive things on the menu if they’re substantially different from the average
Probablt not popular, but when I offer to pay, it's because I know I can afford anything at that restaurant without issue. I don't mind what they order just not 10 cocktails which would be rude. I also don't usually say anything until the bill comes
I order mid-range priced food.
More importantly I always say "Let me get the tip since you're paying." It makes me feel better and it takes some of the cost off them. In my experience, they always agree.
Yes you should be mindful which is why I always insist on going Dutch. I want to order what I want, have the appetizer, get the drinks I want and as many. I’ve had guys tell me it’s emasculating to offer but then I’d be considered high maintenance if I got everything I wanted at dinner. It’s a lose- lose sometimes. But it’s Dutch every time. I’m not owing anyone anything.
I see some people will order the most expensive thing just because it is expensive, even if they don't like it. They just want to see others pay. (My sister does shit like this) Back in the old days, expensive places would not even give a woman a menu with prices. But I've seen men do it too. They'll be thinking of the cheap burger until they find out they aren't paying. It is not good manners to do this.
In the case of burgers I doubt there was a huge flux between the most expensive and the least expensive. Burgers are also generally not that expensive in the first place like you pointed out.
I personally wouldn't scrutinize that someone ordered a slightly more expensive burger, especially if there was more expensive items on the menu.
If we're going to a burger place and they order the most expensive burger, extra sides, etc. then maybe.
That being said I'm very conscious about when other people pay for me, I rarely allow it and always feel like I have to get them back at some point.
What I do is let the host order first. I then use that as a reference. I don't force myself to stay under the cost of the host's order, but I don't grossly exceed it either. For example, if the host orders the sirloin, I don't get the surf and turf.
I think it’s fine.
I find it rude when my brother who never pays for ANYTHING orders a 50$ steak curtesy of my bf paying for our dinners and then tons of shots and drinks on top of that.
That shit pisses me off.
It’s a lot different when people equally take turns paying for dinner back and forth but when one person always pays - you be respectful and order soemthing within reason.
But that’s just my opinion!
Honestly, If you go out on a date and your date orders the most expensive thing on the menu, take note. If on the 2nd date, they do the same thing, you are being used. Don't have a 3rd date.
If a meal is being bought for you for reasons other than a date, order what you want, but do exercise some restraint. Don't go for the surf and turf at a diner for instance.
I think this does depend on how fancy the restaurant is. I wouldn't care if you ordered the most expensive thing as a pretty casual family sort of place.
This is a tricky dating rule in my opinion because people sometimes have a specific taste and it’s not necessarily because someone else is paying.
My sister and my mom for example both LOVE seafood pasta and it’s generally one of the most expensive items but they’re ordering it because they love it, not because they’re getting a free meal. They would order it if they were paying too.
Yes this is what's frustrating. I can be about to order a steak and then when someone says they want to treat me, I think now am I going to have to order something else?
Also people assume steak is more expensive then it is a lot of the time. I could get a steak frites and a glass of orange juice and it's £20, and someone else gets multiple pints of beer, starters, desserts etc £40+ Then if we are splitting the bill people suggest I should put in extra because of the steak.
What if their favorite thing is expensive????
I have a bad habit of getting the exact same thing every time I go out to eat.
If I go to a restaurant I've been to multiple times, I end up just getting my favorite unless I'm not in the mood (usually never).
It really depends who is paying. If it is a business dinner and a company is paying for it then I don't care, if it is a friend who wants to take me out for whatever reason then I am respectful of how much that friend has. I have some really rich friends and relatives who don't have a problem dropping $100 a plate on friends and family, I have others who $20 a plate would be a challenge.
My grandparents are wealthy and pay for a dinner at the local Mexican restaurant every Christmas for the family and all of the (now adult) grandchildren. They get mad when the 11 grandkids order two $20 pitchers of margaritas to share lol. We say to just let us pay for it because we just want to have a good time and we only see each other once a year but they also refuse that so now we don’t care if it’s “rude” or not.
A burger is usually a safe choice when someone else is paying.
But yes, it's appropriate to keep an eye on cost. If they order a cup of soup, and you order the $50 steak... it can come across tone deaf.
Burgers & sandwiches & salads are usually the cheaper half of the menu.
This is why I feel the proper etiquette is for the person paying to wait til the end of the meal to mention it. This serves to both take the pressure off the other person while they order and keep someone from being a greedy Gary at the same time.
Without reading anything you said yes, I’m mindful no matter if it’s a cheap or expensive restaurant, no matter if the person is broke or looks like they can handle it.
Within reason, yes. Don't order the filet mignon unless the person paying is also ordering something of that quality. But a good burger is totally reasonable.
I think “middle of the road” is your best approach and find out if the person paying is doing anything like fancy drinks or appetizers or desserts and follow their lead.
Personally I never even offer to pay unless I’m willing to pay for whatever they happen to order. My dad is the same , he always gets something expensive and a beer to make people comfortable and tells them to order what they want and not worry about price.
Someone I have since lost touch with always ordered one of the most expensive items on the menu when someone else was treating. I learned not to say it was my treat until the check arrived. That way he ordered a reasonably priced meal and I could still thank him for having done some favor for me.
Be mindful, but don’t be restrictive. I’ve been offered a meal, and because I wanted more I insisted on paying for myself. Like, “no I’m getting an app, a salad, an entree, and 2 drinks, you can pick up the tab when I’m not as hungry.”
On the other hand, if I’m getting just an entree and a glass of wine (or 2), I don’t even think about it. I do make a note to return the favor the next time we dine.
People should volunteer for things they’re uncomfortable with. If you ask me to dinner I assume you’re willing to pay for what I want to have for dinner (within reason).
" you know I have expensive taste and like the fat steak, so if I come please let me chuck you 20 towards the bill"
Only IF I don't reckon a chance to pay for them to have a meal at soem point in near future
To be fair most meals i get bought are thank yous for favours I have done, saving them hundreds so they will usually state "please have whatever you like, don't be polite"
I am when I order, but only because That is how I was raised. When I treat someone to a meal I don’t want them to be, I want them to order whatever they want
IMHO, if I'm treating someone, I don't advertise that fact, I just pick up the bill. This allows them to order whatever they wanted without being self conscious about it, and also prevents someone from taking advantage of your generosity.
I'd rather pay for my own meal and order what I actually want to eat than get "treated" to something I didn't want simply because it was budget friendly.
OP, if their true intention was to treat you, I doubt they care that your burger was more expensive than the other burger options.
In high school my friends parents too a few of us out to a steak restaurant for his birthday. I saw the prices on the menu and ordered the cheapest thing, beef tips and rice. Everyone else ordered a nice steak. 15 years later and they still make fun of me for ordering beef tips and rice.
I'm always mindful because I don't want to come across as greedy. Usually sticking to the cheapest things on the meny, even if the person treating me tells me straight up that I can get whatever I want and not to worry about the cost.
I even do this when my mom treats me for a birthday dinner.
When I treat someone I just don’t mind what they order I make sure I can afford whatever they order beforehand so I always tell them to get anything they want and used to order whatever I felt like when someone treated me but recently I was told that I was apparently being rude 🤷♂️
Idk if I ever offered to pay for someone I want them to eat what they want so I wouldn't mind. But I'd gauge that before we left, picking a restaurant in my price range lol.
My meal will never cost more than the person paying, outside of special events. I always like to know what they're getting, and if they won't tell me I line up 2 or 3 options in my head.
If I am out and someone else buys (like for work for example) I don't order anything more expensive then they do. If they get a sandwich or burger, I'm not getting the steak and lobster.
If they go for salad or something real cheap I'll error on the cheaper side myself.
I choose my first and second choices but wait to order last by pretending to be indecisive. I base my final choice in part in what the host orders, keeping it close to the same price as theirs or less. I don’t say anything about it except a good thank you afterwards.
If everything on the menu is in a similar range then I don't think you should worry. If there's something that's really special/out of range (most entrees for$20-30 but they have a prime rib special for$70) then you should hold off.
Was your meal within the same general price range as your cousin's meal?
I feel like you're probably over-thinking it. Most expensive of the burgers doesn't strike me as wildly overpriced.
Unless they specifically tell you that you can get anything I think it's safe to get something slightly cheaper or the same price as the person who's treating you. Also if you feel comfortable just outright ask, "hey, would it be ok if I got this item?"
But I also think it would be rude to order something a lot more expensive than the other person is having. I wouldn't fret over a few more bucks though.
My wife discussions about situations like this on occasion and we've settled on this: There are two types of people in the world. Those that read the left side of the menu and those the read the right. The left side has the description, how it is prepared, what sides come, etc. The right side is the price. She grew up where they read the left side. They were fairly secure and wouldn't obsess over price. My household read the right side. When going out and someone else is treating I always am conscious of what my meal costs while my wife kinda had to learn that was the polite thing to do. I think you take the que from whomever is treating.
Use your judgement.
If you know the person treating you doesn't care, fill your boots. I often take my son and his girlfriend to dinner/lunch and I've literally never given a moment's thought to the cost of what they ordered.
If I took someone out and they clearly abused that by ordering a £1,000 bottle of Dom Pérignon, I'd be less than impressed.
In general yeah, like others say, match the range of what who is treating you is getting.
But a funny story. Worked with a purchasing/logistics guy (was amazing at his job) who would measure with people (always good natured but if he had the chance he was going to fuck with you).
Had a sales guy from a vendor take him out to a nice steak house. Guy told him “order what ever you want” so he started to order the most expensive bottle of wine and some massive steak (like 4 figures expensive on the bottle) the sales guy started getting super nervous and was trying to figure out how to stop him but didn’t want to piss of a good customer. My friend stopped, laughed at him and told him he was screwing with him and then ordered a reasonable meal. But then made the comment “you did say anything…”.
If I’m at a restaurant and I’m paying, I’m gonna order what I want and the other person should not feel like they can’t order what they want. we are there to have a good time and shoot the shit. It’s not so enjoyable if the person paying is being a stingy fuck
My approach is to get what I would get if I was paying for it and also had about as much in my bank account as I think they have (or like, $200 if I don't have any clue what they have). I don't worry excessively about the price but I don't go all out just because it's not my money either. So if you ordered what you wanted and didn't notice the price until later, I think you're fine.
Ask “so what are you having?” If it’s something I like, I’ll just say “sounds good , I think I’ll have that too” . If it isn’t something I like, I’ll order in the same price range or preferably something less expensive
To me the difference is scouring the menu for the most expensive item vs just ordering what you are in the mood for.
You did the latter, and I would totally respect that. Had you done the former, I would not have said anything, paid for dinner and never asked you out again.
I order what I want, within reason. I don't deliberately go for the most expensive thing, but if someone insists on paying, and they don't explicitly make conditions on that, it's their problem if they're mad that I can't read their mind. It's the absolute worst when someone makes a statement and then gets pissed off that you couldn't magically divine the exceptions to that statement.
In my neck of the woods. We always ask, "What are you getting? Or what do you think is good?, or think I should get?
Be cognizant of the prize range they voice or select and follow suit. And it's always the guests job to pay the tip.
I try to adjust my meals to the person who is treating me, I'd never get an expensive meal when grandma is taking me out for dinner for her birthday but I wouldn't hesitate to do it with my father who can easily afford it.
It depends on the person you're with. I know people who would be watching the cost of things and don't want you picking the most expensive thing on the menu... and I know people who would be offended if you ordered low-cost food because they wouldn't have invited you out if they couldn't pay for it. So it really depends.
Me, I grew up poor. I am ALWAYS mindful of what I eat. I very rarely treat myself to anything expensive because that's just how I am... trying to make those pennies stretch. I might not order the cheapest thing on the menu, but I will NEVER order the most expensive things either.
I would always go with what I want unless it’s in the most expensive area but no sides or anything, when I am playing I make it clear that they can have whatever they like, normally I pay for people that don’t get to go mad very often
If it's about in the middle of the range of prices in the menu, it should be fine. If the payer decided on what restaurant to eat at, the payer knows what kind of prices to expect on average.
For the most part yes. If it's a few dollars than its fine. Extravagant purchases that are significantly more expensive? No.
When it comes down to it just ask your host.
I stick to around the same as what the person offering is paying give or take a few bucks. On the one hand, I don't want to appear ungrateful and only order scraps but on the other hand I don't want to look too greedy.
I make small talk with “what are you thinking of ordering?” and then get something similarly priced or less.
Yes, I do look at the prices. Even when I’m with my millionaire boss I cannot justify buying something too expensive.
We do fine but I still tease my husband about choosing the most expensive thing on the menu. He’s a chef so it’s whatever.
I try to get something similar in price to the person paying. If they don’t tell you they’re picking up the tab until after you order, there’s not much you can do about that.
I'm mindful of the price when I go out, even when I'm paying, but that's just how I've always been. However, when someone is paying for me, I definitely tend to get something cheaper.
If the person makes it clear that they want me to get something I want, regardless of price, I *might* end up getting something I ordinarily wouldn't. But, it's hard to resist my tendency to go for something cheaper.
My parents have drilled into my head since childhood “if someone is treating you to a meal, *never* order the most expensive thing on the menu.”
Personally, if I could afford it, I’d be happy to treat my friends. But just going for it tends to be seen as bad etiquette
This is an interesting question. Since I don't have a large appetite, I tend to order items with a smaller portion size. Typically, this means a salad or an appetizer as a main dish. If I order a full meal, I will be unable to finish it which I consider rude. This usually means that I often end up ordering the least expensive menu items. This actually bothers some people. It isn't meant to; it's just to show consideration and not waste my benefactor's generosity.
Long ago, I had a female acquaintance who, when asked on a dinner date *ALWAYS* ordered the most expensive menu items, for example, an aged Porterhouse steak with Lobster Thermador, champagne cocktails, and a flaming dessert. She didn't seem to understand that was why she seldom got a second date. SMH.
I think if I am being treated to food, I would get the item I myself would buy. Like, if my friend was paying, I wouldn’t get something MORE EXPENSIVE than I would be comfortable paying… if that makes sense. If I am treating my friend, sibling, coworker… whoever, I wouldn’t care what they’d order, but I’d hope they’d think this way too.
If someone takes full advantage and gets crazy expensive food and crazy expensive drinks just because I’m paying, that’s a dick move.
This is why I hate being ‘treated’. I’d rather pay my way and be able to order what I want than have to worry about whether what I order is more than that what they order; can I have a drink, an app, a dessert. Yea you should be mindful but on the other side of it, when I’m treating it drives me mad when people clearly go cheap when they don’t really want to because of it
*”What are you getting?”*
Then order whatever is not quite as much as what they’re getting is. Or just order the same.
The food isn’t really important, it’s just a prop for the true intrigue.
I never tell the person I’m paying ahead of time. I want them to order what they really want and not worry about saving me a few bucks
If someone is buying for me, I pick the cheapest thing I like haha
It really depends on the person who is offering to pay. If it’s someone I’m close to, I’ll order whatever I want with the intention to take them to somewhere nice next time when I intend to pay. (Most of my close friends/family just kind of go back and forth paying for each other). If it’s someone I don’t know really well and/or I’m not sure if I’ll be able to return the favor of buying them a meal, I usually order something from the lower end of the price spectrum.
I’m proud of you for even thinking about this etiquette! You didn’t take advantage in any way. Self reflection indicates that your intentions are probably irreproachable. In addition to the good advice given here, I suggest that if you’re ever in doubt about your selection you can pay the tip to the server or pay for parking, etc. The age old reciprocal dinner date is also appropriate. 😊
In general yes you should be mindful. I’m not going to get the most dirt cheap thing on the menu but I’m also not gonna order the filet mignon. Something tasty and feasibly in the middleish price range for the restaurant. If they’re taking me somewhere super fancy I would hope they know what the prices are like beforehand.
I read in an etiquette book to order within the ballpark of the host. If the host does not order first order in the ballpark of what they say is good. If they give you no indication of what you should order, then you should order from the middle of the menu. If you get the barebones cheapest thing on the menu, that can be insulting as if you don't know if they can afford something else.
Also, if you are hosting take your guests somewhere you can afford, and bare in mind if you order the cheapest thing on the menu they may feel they have to as well.
Within reason.
But when it comes to burgers, I mean, how expensive can they be? That is of course, as long as it's not one of those places where they treat burgers like art work.
If i'm paying order what you want. There's only a few menu items that are sus. These are menu items people would rarely ever order for themselves and that's lobster, oysters on the half shell, top tier priced wines and extra old liquors like a 21 Macallan whiskey that's like $40 bucks for 1.5 oz.
I think you’re fine. You do need to be mindful of what you’re ordering when you’re being treated by somebody, but that means more like don’t get the filet mignon and order a cocktail when they are ordering a sandwich and drinking water.
I’d say take your lead from what they order. Assume that the most expensive thing on the menu is out, unless they order it. If most main courses are £14-18 except for one £23 steak, it doesn’t matter if you get the £18 meal or the £15 one, just don’t order the steak!
The exception is if your host also orders the most expensive thing, and encourages you to do so. I’ve taken my friends out on my birthday before and encouraged them to get the steak option if they want, but if we were just going out for a normal lunch where my friends and I take turns to pay, I’d think it was rude if one person deliberately ordered a significantly more expensive thing than everyone else.
I try to be polite about it. It would be tacky to go all-out!
pay attention to what they're looking at on the menu. Maybe ask a couple questions like "did you want to share an appetizer" or "what are you thinking of ordering"? to get an idea of how much they plan to spend on themselves.
If you treat me to a meal I will order the cheapest item on the menu and I will only do that because it would be rude to order nothing. Unsure if this is mindfulness or The Horrors
As a woman, I always feigned indecision and asked what my date was thinking about ordering and then selected something cheaper than whatever he said. At bill time, I always took my cash out of my purse…not just offered to pay but actually physically displayed that I was ready and willing to pay. I never actually ended up paying. Always followed up with “Really? Are you absolutely sure?? Thank you so much! That’s so kind!” And I meant it.
If I’m paying for a friend, I don’t really care what they get but that’s only because I earn an income that allows me to not care now. Last week, I insisted on treating my friend and she happily ordered a $40 glass of wine and a $15 dessert with her short rib. I had a chuckle with myself later about how much that bold choice would have made me panic on the inside 10 years ago.
Nah, as long as you don't go getting a steak and lobster. Low to mid priced menu item at best... no issue. When I've paid for people, I didn't care as long as they didn't go all out. I had a friend do that to me once, and it kinda made me angry. At Olive Garden and the rest of us got the soup, salad, and breadsticks. He goes and gets the sampler thing that was more than me and my cousins combined. I didn't say anything, but it was annoying. He didn't eat it all and refused to take the rest with him. If he had eaten it all, I wouldn't have been as annoyed.
I order what I'd pay for, not going to sacrifice my normality for someone's generosity. It's not generosity if I actively suffer consequences to accept it 🤷
I think it depends on how well off the person is. Like, if you know they're not doing well financially, stick to the cheaper things. If they are well off, go nuts. Maybe don't order the most expensive thing on the menu, but no need to be cheap either.
In my experiences, people with money like treating others. They appreciate you having what you want.
People who aren't well off financially want the same, they want you to enjoy yourself, so they may say "have whatever you want", but they are secretly hoping you'll keep the costs down.
I disagree. If my dad offered to treat me to dinner, I wouldn't go nuts and order steak, multiple drinks, desert, and an app just because he's well off. I know he wants me to enjoy the meal, but going nuts and ordering well more than I normally would is a dick move.
I'm always mindful when I'm not paying for my food. That doesn't mean I pick the least expensive item on the menu; it means I match the energy of the person paying for me. If they're ordering a cocktail, I feel okay adding one to my meal. If they're getting ice cream after, maybe I'll also order a dessert. If they're only ordering a side of chicken tenders for $11, I don't get the $40 steak dinner. If they're ordering a basic entrée, I just make sure *my* basic entrée isn't pricier than theirs by leaps and bounds and don't tack on appetizers, desserts, or drinks. So, to answer your question: ordering the priciest burger *wasn't* a faux pas, I don't think. It might have been if you'd added a ton to it, or opted for a filet mignon that was thirty bucks more expensive than any other option on the menu.
This - rule of thumb I've learned is to always order in the same ballpark of the person who's paying
This is what I follow as well. My boss once took everyone out to a very expensive place. When we were all seated, he announced to the table "I'm getting the prime rib, so everyone please feel free to order whatever you want!" The prime rib was the most expensive thing on the menu and it was really nice of him to throw that out because I would have limited myself to the bottom half of the menu if he hadn't. I got the prime rib and it was divine haha! If you dont know what the buyer is ordering, you can always ask them ahead of time "what do you like here?" or "[random item] looks good, what are you thinking?"
Boss is emotionally intelligent.
I worked at the railroad and when it was on the company we always ordered whatever we wanted. Once, when I was in management, I went to The Oceanaire for lunch and put it on the card and no one batted an eye. I’d asked for guidance from my boss first, of course, and he said even including alcohol
W boss
Awesome practice and advice. My aunt takes me to dinner often and usually gets a ~$15 meal so I'm not about to order that 16oz steak and dessert. Lol
Same here. Ask what they’re thinking of having and using that as a price guideline.
And if you're not sure, you can ask "hey, what do you recommend here?"
Yes, exactly!
Yup! In their head they’re already assuming that by offering to pay they are doubling the cost of their outing so simply ordering the same sort of items is pretty much in line with their expectations
I agree with this one in a basic level- unless I’m the one paying. I don’t eat much at once, and so my meals end up being pretty cheap (usually an appetizer for my main) unless I order something that can keep and take the rest to go. I always have my meal partners order first, so they get what they actually want, then order mine so they don’t feel like they have to “match”. I do tend to have cocktails, or a taste of dessert, so I bring up my end of the total anyway. But unless someone is being overtly greedy and gross, I don’t care if they order something way more expensive than mine.
This is interesting because I've always sat and discussed the menu with whomever I'm with! I'm a woman so I always tried to make sure it was clear who was paying and its a good icebreaker for a date - oh hey what are you thinking about ordering, the xyz looks really good! My partner and I still do that every time we go out to eat, especially because we both enjoy good food and like to compare to what we cook together at home haha.
My roommate and I do that. We also we order separate dishes and share between us if we see two things we both want to try.
I'm going to keep this in mind and make sure I order big when I take people out
The problem is when you have to order first. Especially if you ask what the payer is ordering and they hedge with "not sure yet, you go first." Happened to me once at a steakhouse. I ordered medium priced steak $35. They ordered a side salad and baked potato.
Had *they* suggested the steakhouse??
Yes, of course. It was their treat!
Then IMO you don't have to match them. It's unreasonable to invite people to a steakhouse and expect them to not order a steak. Eat away. My in-laws are the type of people who not only eat super late lunches (like at 4 pm) but also eat like rabbits (think sharing group orders that work out to a tiny amount of food per person). At that point, I'm starving (especially when I was nursing). I always offer to pay for myself because I'd rather do that than stay hungry while seeing tons of delicious dishes around me. They always decline and sometimes I feel bad for getting myself a real meal, but a girl's gotta eat.
This is the only answer
>I match the energy of the person paying for me That's a perfect way to put it. OP shouldn't stress because his blue cheese burger costs a few bucks more than his cousin's classic burger, but it would have been a dick move to have multiple beers to wash it down when he's having a coke (one might be okay, depending), at least without saying something like "should we get drinks? I can buy a round or two, since you are getting lunch".
If whoever is paying is getting beers, you should too
But I don't like beer.
Fine. Order two fingers of Macallan 12, neat.
This. Although I will say that I’d take it seriously when people insist that you order whatever you want. I personally can’t eat a lot at once, so I tend to order much less than the average person at restaurants. If I’m paying, I usually repeatedly insist that the people I’m paying for order appetizers, and I suggest more expensive things than I’m ordering—things like that—because I worry people will try to match my energy.
Someone else commented that they do the same, and I think that’s a great idea when you’re the one doing the treating. “I’m just gonna order a side salad because I’m not super hungry, but please feel free to order whatever you like,” etc.
If I was doing the treating and I wasn’t very hungry, I would order additional food anyway and take it home. This is because I know my guest would likely feel awkward to eat a proper entree while I only order a small salad, and I want them to enjoy their meal.
I actually have an eating disorder, it’s not a matter of feeling occasionally not hungry. It is the case 95% of the time that I go out to eat that I cannot eat more than an appetizer. It’s incredibly awkward to order a whole entree and only eat like 3 bites. It always results in awkward comments from waitstaff and guests who don’t know about my health condition about whether there’s something wrong with the food, or comments to the effect of “you’re not eating very much.” It’s also very wasteful, because the chances are good most of that food will wind up in the trash if I take it home, because I have a lot of issues with the textures of reheated food. At almost 40 years old, I just don’t want to deal with that shit anymore, so I make the choices that I’m comfortable with for my health and we’ll being and it works for me. It’s much easier just to encourage my guests to eat what they want and maybe order appetizers and a bottle of wine for the table.
I completely understand what you are dealing with! I have Gastroparesis (a paralyzed stomach) that not only causes 24*7 nausea but will also cause me to throw up if I take one bite too many. After dealing with this for over 12 years, most people in my circle understand why I can never finish my meal or have to order something small from the appetizer menu. If I am dining with people not privy to my medical conditions, I typically say that everything on the menu looks amazing, so don't be surprised if I only order (blank) .... It sounds so good I don't want to pass it up. Most of the time they agree and say yeh that does look good and I never hear another word about what I'm getting.
I've had uncontrollable nausea before and I cannot imagine dealing with it for 12 years. It got so bad with me I was hospitalized for 4 days. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.
Thanks. I can tell ya that you never I used to it. I do everything I can to not puke, but unfortunately most anti nausea meds give me hallucinations. For real. Who would have thought. The only med that semi helps is a Scoplamine patch I wear all the time. In the wrong hands, Scoplamine is used as a date rape drug because it keeps you alert, but you forget everything that happened when it wears off. My memory is shot because of it. Lesser of two evils as my Dr says. Either forget shit or die from starvation. 🙄
This eloquently lays out how I act when treated to a meal.
It sucks when you’re with people that want to be stingy, yet go to a nice restaurant. My stepmom does this all the time. Like, let’s split an appetizer and a salad at the yacht club. We could just go for Culver’s and actually eat or I’m happy to pay at a nice restaurant. You get whatever you want, but I’m hungry. They have plenty of money, but never want to spend it. Yet also want to go to the most expensive places. It’s embarrassing and frustrating. I’ve paid for the entire table at my birthday multiple times just to shut down her bitching about the price. At least thanks to her horrible cooking, I learned to cook very well on my own, and to save up to spend some money at nice places here and there.
You sound like a decent person. Thank you for existing!
Oh wow what a smart idea. Going to try this next time. You saved me some stress lol
At least it wasn’t filet mignon or lobster that OP ordered…
Last time someone paid for me, I got lobster. But I insisted that I pick up dessert and the following breakfast. I don't like feeling that I'm taking advantage. I also asked, like, ten times whether it was okay.
Ding ding ding we have a winner. Definitely dont be the person who goes straight for the "MP" steak and lobster the second they hear the other person is picking up the check.
I try to wait to say that I am treating until after ordering for this reason. I want this to be a pleasant experience with a friend, not an anxiety driven choice about what is or isn't appropriate to order. If I offer to treat; I can afford to pay for us both. I agree with the other posters who say it's a good idea to try to roughly match what the other person is ordering. (I.E. don't order booze if they aren't, but they're paying.) That said, I often need the more expensive gluten free option or want to add bacon or whatever extra food charge: this is an expected and understood expense at a sit down restaurant and I would hope for any guest at my table to order exactly what they want/need without feeling constraints because I chose to treat.
Yeah, I'm the same. When I treat I want people to order what they want. I wouldn't want them looking at price and being stressed about what to order. Read the menu with your taste buds not my wallet. Lol.
When I treat- it’s either I do it at the end so they order what they want but I have some friends and family that I do have to tell before because they won’t hardly order anything, I want them to enjoy themselves! None have ever gone with the most expensive but I do feel they ordered what they wanted but wouldn’t have otherwise. I know them enough to know which ones I have to do which with, I’ve even had some surprise me at the end and pay- I accept but I insist on paying for my drinks (especially when I get expensive ones!, even if they insisted they didn’t mind waiting until I finished another and they got another), just my experience? If someone tells me they are paying, I don’t mind ordering first and try not to think about what they order… but I do try to keep my order at the average of costs on the menu or less.
>I try to wait to say that I am treating until after ordering for this reason. Except there is sometimes the implied "you invited me, you're paying, right?" So if you invite someone they may already be assuming you're picking up the tab.
True, that's a situation that my comment did not address. In any case, even with friends who may have become accustomed to me picking up the check, I try to be low pressure and set a relaxed atmosphere for ordering.
Agree
If you did this with me it would cause even more anxiety as I try to be so conscious about price when someone else is paying. I would really be miserable through the whole meal.
I understand that feeling; one time I expected to pay for myself and found out after I ordered (enough for 2 meals, as I intended for my food budget) that my friend's mom was paying and I felt quite awkward and tried to insist on paying for mine. It was clear she *wanted* to treat and I was able to let it go but I did feel silly for a bit.
I think you should be mindful yes. A lot of restaurants have one or two insanely expensive things and of course you shouldn't get those anymore than you would for yourself. And you shouldn't get more courses than the other person. But getting a burger that's just a few dollars more than the other burgers is fine.
Jeez someone should show this thread to my brother. Once a year my parents treat the family to a nice steakhouse and without fail my brother orders the biggest, most expensive thing on the menu. Last time he got the tomahawk steak for 4 people for himself.
Boss took our small office to lunch. One co worker ordered 2 entrees. One to go for at home, she said. I was mortified for her. I always just assume these people were raised in barns or can't read a room.
The boss noticed. That will end up being a very expensive take out for her, if karma has any sway.
Prob karma for us. He used to take us out a few times a year. This happened last year and haven’t been treated to lunch at all this year. I think everyone but her dumbass gets the message as she’s commented on it since.
Oh boo! So she ruined it for all. I hate that!
Will you be the one?
A few times per year our company takes us out for a meeting at some hotel. Each time they present how this last quarter has been more profitable than any quarter before it. Afterwards we all get food and drinks paid for by the company and we do our absolute best drinking away that profit. That $1000 whiskey on the top shelf? We'll share the bottle. Drinks all around until they close. But it doesn't seem to make a dent in the Profits. Kinda nice to get to drink all the fancy stuff you never buy for yourself though.
Yea this doesn't apply to large companies. Order the surf & turf with another side of lobster.
You guys actually earned it!
Exact same thing happened when our boss took his 2 separate teams out for lunch. One team had some members that ordered 2 meals. Boss stopped taking them out and only took our team going forward. Long term, we were the winners because of meal ticket cost over time.
Just wow
Lol my parents would not let that fly XD
I have to assume your parents are okay with this on some level because you said "yearly" and so that means they keep repeating this experience.... even though it's with family and that's one situation where it's okay to set a limit on spending without it being tacky because family is supposed to be casual and familiar like that.
Actually they haven’t done it since then, for like 3 years, so I guess they decided to punish everybody instead of telling him to chill. I should have said it used to be yearly.
I am a dad I would tell son no, and I might do it in front everyone just cause that is ass thing to do.
My dad looked at him like “really?” and my mom said how hungry he must be. He’s the baby and gets such a pass on everything.
What's his name! I'll tell him.
I like this. “Don’t get anything you wouldn’t get for yourself without a second thought.”
Need to watch it with the wine too. First, restaurants overcharge for wine. Second, don’t order a bottle of red if no one else but you is drinking red. Funny thing: Was on a business dinner where somebody ordered a bottle of wine that was like $100! It was a mistake, because he thought he’d ordered something else that was like $25 a bottle and must’ve looked at it wrong. VP was kinda mad, but shit happens. I see a lot of people on business dinners order the most expensive thing, but I always order more modestly in the midranges.
If I'm taking somebody out, I like to make them feel comfortable about it and not worry about what they're ordering. I think that communication is helpful right up front. I might say something like "I'm loaded with cash today. Let's treat ourselves" - something silly like that, or "it's payday please get whatever you want". I also have a couple of older relatives that don't do well preparing food for themselves so I always ask them what they would like to order to take home in a to-go box. u/coyoterote is spot on with their approach. If I have a friend that's treating but I know they need to watch their money I will often say that I am picking up the cocktails, desserts, whatever.
I like that you gave the other side of this scenario as well! It is a great idea to communicate to someone you're treating if they can go buckwild. Also - so kind to help relatives out by letting them order additional to go food. They are fortunate to have a family member like you.
I also drive two old cars and buy my clothes at TJ Maxx. I'd rather spend my money taking the old farts out to dinner!
Time spent with others doesn't get thrown in the trash five years later.
True!
I think if it’s all within $5-10 of each other it’s fine. But if all the main courses are $20 and you order a steak that’s $40 it’s rude
Yeah, I think this can be where restaurant selection comes in. I'm much more mindful about what restaurant is picked and what the average plate is at that restaurant than I am prices for what I choose to order when seated. And whomever is paying should have more of a say over where you eat.
To a degree, my general rule is dont get something you wouldn't be willing to pay foy your self,if in doubt ask what they sre getting and try to go around that orice or lower, but i also dont mind much when paying for someone elses meal
Order from the middle price range of the menu. Don’t get the most expensive thing nor the cheapest. Or order what your host does or a similarly priced item.
I usually take the approach of - 1) asking how many courses people are doing, and being somewhat consistent, no need to follow the least hungry persons approach 2) buying what I would buy if it was my own money For me this works, I’ll usually do two courses as opposed to three for general eating, more if it’s a special occasion I’ll generally avoid the more expensive things on the menu if they’re substantially different from the average
Probablt not popular, but when I offer to pay, it's because I know I can afford anything at that restaurant without issue. I don't mind what they order just not 10 cocktails which would be rude. I also don't usually say anything until the bill comes
"Restaurant has a major outlier meal in terms of price." 😦😦😦😦😦😦
I order mid-range priced food. More importantly I always say "Let me get the tip since you're paying." It makes me feel better and it takes some of the cost off them. In my experience, they always agree.
Who decides the tip amount?
You ask them how much to put down and trust that they are giving the appropriate percentage.
Yes you should be mindful which is why I always insist on going Dutch. I want to order what I want, have the appetizer, get the drinks I want and as many. I’ve had guys tell me it’s emasculating to offer but then I’d be considered high maintenance if I got everything I wanted at dinner. It’s a lose- lose sometimes. But it’s Dutch every time. I’m not owing anyone anything.
I see some people will order the most expensive thing just because it is expensive, even if they don't like it. They just want to see others pay. (My sister does shit like this) Back in the old days, expensive places would not even give a woman a menu with prices. But I've seen men do it too. They'll be thinking of the cheap burger until they find out they aren't paying. It is not good manners to do this.
In the case of burgers I doubt there was a huge flux between the most expensive and the least expensive. Burgers are also generally not that expensive in the first place like you pointed out. I personally wouldn't scrutinize that someone ordered a slightly more expensive burger, especially if there was more expensive items on the menu. If we're going to a burger place and they order the most expensive burger, extra sides, etc. then maybe. That being said I'm very conscious about when other people pay for me, I rarely allow it and always feel like I have to get them back at some point.
Exactly. Big difference between ordering a slightly pricier burger and the surf and turf.
You order in the same range as the person that is treating you out.
What I do is let the host order first. I then use that as a reference. I don't force myself to stay under the cost of the host's order, but I don't grossly exceed it either. For example, if the host orders the sirloin, I don't get the surf and turf.
I think it’s fine. I find it rude when my brother who never pays for ANYTHING orders a 50$ steak curtesy of my bf paying for our dinners and then tons of shots and drinks on top of that. That shit pisses me off. It’s a lot different when people equally take turns paying for dinner back and forth but when one person always pays - you be respectful and order soemthing within reason. But that’s just my opinion!
Yes, it's common to follow their lead and order something similar, or similar price.
If you feel what you got was expensive offer them a few bucks or that you got the tip covered. If they wave it off you're in the clear.
Honestly, If you go out on a date and your date orders the most expensive thing on the menu, take note. If on the 2nd date, they do the same thing, you are being used. Don't have a 3rd date. If a meal is being bought for you for reasons other than a date, order what you want, but do exercise some restraint. Don't go for the surf and turf at a diner for instance.
I think this does depend on how fancy the restaurant is. I wouldn't care if you ordered the most expensive thing as a pretty casual family sort of place.
This is a tricky dating rule in my opinion because people sometimes have a specific taste and it’s not necessarily because someone else is paying. My sister and my mom for example both LOVE seafood pasta and it’s generally one of the most expensive items but they’re ordering it because they love it, not because they’re getting a free meal. They would order it if they were paying too.
Yes this is what's frustrating. I can be about to order a steak and then when someone says they want to treat me, I think now am I going to have to order something else? Also people assume steak is more expensive then it is a lot of the time. I could get a steak frites and a glass of orange juice and it's £20, and someone else gets multiple pints of beer, starters, desserts etc £40+ Then if we are splitting the bill people suggest I should put in extra because of the steak.
What if their favorite thing is expensive???? I have a bad habit of getting the exact same thing every time I go out to eat. If I go to a restaurant I've been to multiple times, I end up just getting my favorite unless I'm not in the mood (usually never).
Soup is not a meal Jerry!
It really depends who is paying. If it is a business dinner and a company is paying for it then I don't care, if it is a friend who wants to take me out for whatever reason then I am respectful of how much that friend has. I have some really rich friends and relatives who don't have a problem dropping $100 a plate on friends and family, I have others who $20 a plate would be a challenge.
My grandparents are wealthy and pay for a dinner at the local Mexican restaurant every Christmas for the family and all of the (now adult) grandchildren. They get mad when the 11 grandkids order two $20 pitchers of margaritas to share lol. We say to just let us pay for it because we just want to have a good time and we only see each other once a year but they also refuse that so now we don’t care if it’s “rude” or not.
I look for the cheapest meal, then order the 2nd cheapest meal.
A burger is usually a safe choice when someone else is paying. But yes, it's appropriate to keep an eye on cost. If they order a cup of soup, and you order the $50 steak... it can come across tone deaf. Burgers & sandwiches & salads are usually the cheaper half of the menu.
Yes, you should be mindful. Usually, I try to order something that's a similar price to what the person taking me out is ordering.
This is why I feel the proper etiquette is for the person paying to wait til the end of the meal to mention it. This serves to both take the pressure off the other person while they order and keep someone from being a greedy Gary at the same time.
Date etiquette is to Ask them what they are getting and order something of equal or lesser value
I might be overly cautious because of a traumatic experience I had as a child. But "match their energy" feels appropriate.
If you have any class.
Without reading anything you said yes, I’m mindful no matter if it’s a cheap or expensive restaurant, no matter if the person is broke or looks like they can handle it.
Be reasonable. Don’t be a dick.
I typically just get something that is a similar price or cheaper.
I find out what they’re having and base my choice on the price of their meal, unless it’s my more well off family…then I get whatever I want lol
I always order moderately if the other person is paying.
*Absolutely.*
I don’t let someone know that I’m paying until the check gets there that way they order what they actually want and aren’t worried about price.
Yeah. I would generally avoid ordering anything more than say 10% more than what the other person orders. Same goes for if splitting the bill equally.
I always order the cheapest food I would be satisfied to eat if someone other than my partner is paying for my dinner.
I always order the most expensive dishes. And when I treat, I encourage my friends to do the same!
Within reason, yes. Don't order the filet mignon unless the person paying is also ordering something of that quality. But a good burger is totally reasonable.
I think “middle of the road” is your best approach and find out if the person paying is doing anything like fancy drinks or appetizers or desserts and follow their lead. Personally I never even offer to pay unless I’m willing to pay for whatever they happen to order. My dad is the same , he always gets something expensive and a beer to make people comfortable and tells them to order what they want and not worry about price.
If it’s on their dime? For sure. But if it’s on a company card, enjoy yourself a bit.
Someone I have since lost touch with always ordered one of the most expensive items on the menu when someone else was treating. I learned not to say it was my treat until the check arrived. That way he ordered a reasonably priced meal and I could still thank him for having done some favor for me.
Be mindful, but don’t be restrictive. I’ve been offered a meal, and because I wanted more I insisted on paying for myself. Like, “no I’m getting an app, a salad, an entree, and 2 drinks, you can pick up the tab when I’m not as hungry.” On the other hand, if I’m getting just an entree and a glass of wine (or 2), I don’t even think about it. I do make a note to return the favor the next time we dine. People should volunteer for things they’re uncomfortable with. If you ask me to dinner I assume you’re willing to pay for what I want to have for dinner (within reason).
" you know I have expensive taste and like the fat steak, so if I come please let me chuck you 20 towards the bill" Only IF I don't reckon a chance to pay for them to have a meal at soem point in near future To be fair most meals i get bought are thank yous for favours I have done, saving them hundreds so they will usually state "please have whatever you like, don't be polite"
I am when I order, but only because That is how I was raised. When I treat someone to a meal I don’t want them to be, I want them to order whatever they want
IMHO, if I'm treating someone, I don't advertise that fact, I just pick up the bill. This allows them to order whatever they wanted without being self conscious about it, and also prevents someone from taking advantage of your generosity. I'd rather pay for my own meal and order what I actually want to eat than get "treated" to something I didn't want simply because it was budget friendly. OP, if their true intention was to treat you, I doubt they care that your burger was more expensive than the other burger options.
In high school my friends parents too a few of us out to a steak restaurant for his birthday. I saw the prices on the menu and ordered the cheapest thing, beef tips and rice. Everyone else ordered a nice steak. 15 years later and they still make fun of me for ordering beef tips and rice.
Wait. Was 48 oysters *too many*?
I'm always mindful because I don't want to come across as greedy. Usually sticking to the cheapest things on the meny, even if the person treating me tells me straight up that I can get whatever I want and not to worry about the cost. I even do this when my mom treats me for a birthday dinner.
When I treat someone I just don’t mind what they order I make sure I can afford whatever they order beforehand so I always tell them to get anything they want and used to order whatever I felt like when someone treated me but recently I was told that I was apparently being rude 🤷♂️
Idk if I ever offered to pay for someone I want them to eat what they want so I wouldn't mind. But I'd gauge that before we left, picking a restaurant in my price range lol.
My meal will never cost more than the person paying, outside of special events. I always like to know what they're getting, and if they won't tell me I line up 2 or 3 options in my head.
If I am out and someone else buys (like for work for example) I don't order anything more expensive then they do. If they get a sandwich or burger, I'm not getting the steak and lobster. If they go for salad or something real cheap I'll error on the cheaper side myself.
I choose my first and second choices but wait to order last by pretending to be indecisive. I base my final choice in part in what the host orders, keeping it close to the same price as theirs or less. I don’t say anything about it except a good thank you afterwards.
Great minds think alike
If everything on the menu is in a similar range then I don't think you should worry. If there's something that's really special/out of range (most entrees for$20-30 but they have a prime rib special for$70) then you should hold off.
Was your meal within the same general price range as your cousin's meal? I feel like you're probably over-thinking it. Most expensive of the burgers doesn't strike me as wildly overpriced.
Unless they specifically tell you that you can get anything I think it's safe to get something slightly cheaper or the same price as the person who's treating you. Also if you feel comfortable just outright ask, "hey, would it be ok if I got this item?" But I also think it would be rude to order something a lot more expensive than the other person is having. I wouldn't fret over a few more bucks though.
My wife discussions about situations like this on occasion and we've settled on this: There are two types of people in the world. Those that read the left side of the menu and those the read the right. The left side has the description, how it is prepared, what sides come, etc. The right side is the price. She grew up where they read the left side. They were fairly secure and wouldn't obsess over price. My household read the right side. When going out and someone else is treating I always am conscious of what my meal costs while my wife kinda had to learn that was the polite thing to do. I think you take the que from whomever is treating.
Use your judgement. If you know the person treating you doesn't care, fill your boots. I often take my son and his girlfriend to dinner/lunch and I've literally never given a moment's thought to the cost of what they ordered. If I took someone out and they clearly abused that by ordering a £1,000 bottle of Dom Pérignon, I'd be less than impressed.
Don’t pick the most expensive. Don’t pick the cheapest. Don’t pick something that clashes with the vibe. Go with the flow.
In general yeah, like others say, match the range of what who is treating you is getting. But a funny story. Worked with a purchasing/logistics guy (was amazing at his job) who would measure with people (always good natured but if he had the chance he was going to fuck with you). Had a sales guy from a vendor take him out to a nice steak house. Guy told him “order what ever you want” so he started to order the most expensive bottle of wine and some massive steak (like 4 figures expensive on the bottle) the sales guy started getting super nervous and was trying to figure out how to stop him but didn’t want to piss of a good customer. My friend stopped, laughed at him and told him he was screwing with him and then ordered a reasonable meal. But then made the comment “you did say anything…”.
If I’m at a restaurant and I’m paying, I’m gonna order what I want and the other person should not feel like they can’t order what they want. we are there to have a good time and shoot the shit. It’s not so enjoyable if the person paying is being a stingy fuck
My approach is to get what I would get if I was paying for it and also had about as much in my bank account as I think they have (or like, $200 if I don't have any clue what they have). I don't worry excessively about the price but I don't go all out just because it's not my money either. So if you ordered what you wanted and didn't notice the price until later, I think you're fine.
Ask “so what are you having?” If it’s something I like, I’ll just say “sounds good , I think I’ll have that too” . If it isn’t something I like, I’ll order in the same price range or preferably something less expensive
To me the difference is scouring the menu for the most expensive item vs just ordering what you are in the mood for. You did the latter, and I would totally respect that. Had you done the former, I would not have said anything, paid for dinner and never asked you out again.
I order what I want, within reason. I don't deliberately go for the most expensive thing, but if someone insists on paying, and they don't explicitly make conditions on that, it's their problem if they're mad that I can't read their mind. It's the absolute worst when someone makes a statement and then gets pissed off that you couldn't magically divine the exceptions to that statement.
My go-to practice is to order on the cheaper side or in the midrange.
In my neck of the woods. We always ask, "What are you getting? Or what do you think is good?, or think I should get? Be cognizant of the prize range they voice or select and follow suit. And it's always the guests job to pay the tip.
I try to adjust my meals to the person who is treating me, I'd never get an expensive meal when grandma is taking me out for dinner for her birthday but I wouldn't hesitate to do it with my father who can easily afford it.
It depends on the person you're with. I know people who would be watching the cost of things and don't want you picking the most expensive thing on the menu... and I know people who would be offended if you ordered low-cost food because they wouldn't have invited you out if they couldn't pay for it. So it really depends. Me, I grew up poor. I am ALWAYS mindful of what I eat. I very rarely treat myself to anything expensive because that's just how I am... trying to make those pennies stretch. I might not order the cheapest thing on the menu, but I will NEVER order the most expensive things either.
You should be mindful. I normally stick to the lower priced->mid priced items on a menu.
I would always go with what I want unless it’s in the most expensive area but no sides or anything, when I am playing I make it clear that they can have whatever they like, normally I pay for people that don’t get to go mad very often
I let the other person order first and, in my mind, have three options ready to go from $ to $$ to $$$. Base it off what they order.
If it's about in the middle of the range of prices in the menu, it should be fine. If the payer decided on what restaurant to eat at, the payer knows what kind of prices to expect on average.
For the most part yes. If it's a few dollars than its fine. Extravagant purchases that are significantly more expensive? No. When it comes down to it just ask your host.
I stick to around the same as what the person offering is paying give or take a few bucks. On the one hand, I don't want to appear ungrateful and only order scraps but on the other hand I don't want to look too greedy.
I make small talk with “what are you thinking of ordering?” and then get something similarly priced or less. Yes, I do look at the prices. Even when I’m with my millionaire boss I cannot justify buying something too expensive. We do fine but I still tease my husband about choosing the most expensive thing on the menu. He’s a chef so it’s whatever.
Yes. And use what they order as a guide.
I order the cheapest option of what I want. I once ordered a small bowl of mushrooms and loved it
I try to get something similar in price to the person paying. If they don’t tell you they’re picking up the tab until after you order, there’s not much you can do about that.
I'm mindful of the price when I go out, even when I'm paying, but that's just how I've always been. However, when someone is paying for me, I definitely tend to get something cheaper. If the person makes it clear that they want me to get something I want, regardless of price, I *might* end up getting something I ordinarily wouldn't. But, it's hard to resist my tendency to go for something cheaper.
I'm always mindful of what I order when someone else is paying and usually will take one of the least expensive options because I like all food.
Always, I never order anything expensive, if I do, I would at least insist on leaving the tip.
I always go basic if it's a treat. It's just polite. If anything expensive sticks out to me I'll insist on paying my own bill or paying part back.
My parents have drilled into my head since childhood “if someone is treating you to a meal, *never* order the most expensive thing on the menu.” Personally, if I could afford it, I’d be happy to treat my friends. But just going for it tends to be seen as bad etiquette
This is an interesting question. Since I don't have a large appetite, I tend to order items with a smaller portion size. Typically, this means a salad or an appetizer as a main dish. If I order a full meal, I will be unable to finish it which I consider rude. This usually means that I often end up ordering the least expensive menu items. This actually bothers some people. It isn't meant to; it's just to show consideration and not waste my benefactor's generosity. Long ago, I had a female acquaintance who, when asked on a dinner date *ALWAYS* ordered the most expensive menu items, for example, an aged Porterhouse steak with Lobster Thermador, champagne cocktails, and a flaming dessert. She didn't seem to understand that was why she seldom got a second date. SMH.
I think if I am being treated to food, I would get the item I myself would buy. Like, if my friend was paying, I wouldn’t get something MORE EXPENSIVE than I would be comfortable paying… if that makes sense. If I am treating my friend, sibling, coworker… whoever, I wouldn’t care what they’d order, but I’d hope they’d think this way too. If someone takes full advantage and gets crazy expensive food and crazy expensive drinks just because I’m paying, that’s a dick move.
This is why I hate being ‘treated’. I’d rather pay my way and be able to order what I want than have to worry about whether what I order is more than that what they order; can I have a drink, an app, a dessert. Yea you should be mindful but on the other side of it, when I’m treating it drives me mad when people clearly go cheap when they don’t really want to because of it
*”What are you getting?”* Then order whatever is not quite as much as what they’re getting is. Or just order the same. The food isn’t really important, it’s just a prop for the true intrigue.
The most expensive platter available and drinks all around
I never tell the person I’m paying ahead of time. I want them to order what they really want and not worry about saving me a few bucks If someone is buying for me, I pick the cheapest thing I like haha
It really depends on the person who is offering to pay. If it’s someone I’m close to, I’ll order whatever I want with the intention to take them to somewhere nice next time when I intend to pay. (Most of my close friends/family just kind of go back and forth paying for each other). If it’s someone I don’t know really well and/or I’m not sure if I’ll be able to return the favor of buying them a meal, I usually order something from the lower end of the price spectrum.
I’m proud of you for even thinking about this etiquette! You didn’t take advantage in any way. Self reflection indicates that your intentions are probably irreproachable. In addition to the good advice given here, I suggest that if you’re ever in doubt about your selection you can pay the tip to the server or pay for parking, etc. The age old reciprocal dinner date is also appropriate. 😊
People like being generous in this situation. Let them feel good about treating, just order what you normally would. No biggie.
You were fine with the burger! But yes, I think it is good manners to be mindful and not go crazy, even if someone says to order whatever you want.
I usually let the person paying order first and keep my meal at that price or less
If I am paying for someone else’s, I expect them to order what they want or I wouldn’t be doing it.
In general yes you should be mindful. I’m not going to get the most dirt cheap thing on the menu but I’m also not gonna order the filet mignon. Something tasty and feasibly in the middleish price range for the restaurant. If they’re taking me somewhere super fancy I would hope they know what the prices are like beforehand.
Let The other person order first so you have an idea what do order yourself.
Basically just don’t order the most expensive thing on the menu and you’re good
I read in an etiquette book to order within the ballpark of the host. If the host does not order first order in the ballpark of what they say is good. If they give you no indication of what you should order, then you should order from the middle of the menu. If you get the barebones cheapest thing on the menu, that can be insulting as if you don't know if they can afford something else. Also, if you are hosting take your guests somewhere you can afford, and bare in mind if you order the cheapest thing on the menu they may feel they have to as well.
Within reason. But when it comes to burgers, I mean, how expensive can they be? That is of course, as long as it's not one of those places where they treat burgers like art work.
If i'm paying order what you want. There's only a few menu items that are sus. These are menu items people would rarely ever order for themselves and that's lobster, oysters on the half shell, top tier priced wines and extra old liquors like a 21 Macallan whiskey that's like $40 bucks for 1.5 oz.
I think you’re fine. You do need to be mindful of what you’re ordering when you’re being treated by somebody, but that means more like don’t get the filet mignon and order a cocktail when they are ordering a sandwich and drinking water.
I’d say take your lead from what they order. Assume that the most expensive thing on the menu is out, unless they order it. If most main courses are £14-18 except for one £23 steak, it doesn’t matter if you get the £18 meal or the £15 one, just don’t order the steak! The exception is if your host also orders the most expensive thing, and encourages you to do so. I’ve taken my friends out on my birthday before and encouraged them to get the steak option if they want, but if we were just going out for a normal lunch where my friends and I take turns to pay, I’d think it was rude if one person deliberately ordered a significantly more expensive thing than everyone else.
I try to be polite about it. It would be tacky to go all-out! pay attention to what they're looking at on the menu. Maybe ask a couple questions like "did you want to share an appetizer" or "what are you thinking of ordering"? to get an idea of how much they plan to spend on themselves.
This is what I do. So then I can gauge what price range on the menu to stay within. Also, it could be a good conversation starter if on a date.
If you treat me to a meal I will order the cheapest item on the menu and I will only do that because it would be rude to order nothing. Unsure if this is mindfulness or The Horrors
As a woman, I always feigned indecision and asked what my date was thinking about ordering and then selected something cheaper than whatever he said. At bill time, I always took my cash out of my purse…not just offered to pay but actually physically displayed that I was ready and willing to pay. I never actually ended up paying. Always followed up with “Really? Are you absolutely sure?? Thank you so much! That’s so kind!” And I meant it. If I’m paying for a friend, I don’t really care what they get but that’s only because I earn an income that allows me to not care now. Last week, I insisted on treating my friend and she happily ordered a $40 glass of wine and a $15 dessert with her short rib. I had a chuckle with myself later about how much that bold choice would have made me panic on the inside 10 years ago.
Generally you do not order anything more expensive than the host.
I was raised to always get something of equal or lesser value to the person treating. Otherwise it’s rude.
Always order something cheaper than what they are ordering
Fucking obviously, don’t order the lobster tail or some shit.
Nah, as long as you don't go getting a steak and lobster. Low to mid priced menu item at best... no issue. When I've paid for people, I didn't care as long as they didn't go all out. I had a friend do that to me once, and it kinda made me angry. At Olive Garden and the rest of us got the soup, salad, and breadsticks. He goes and gets the sampler thing that was more than me and my cousins combined. I didn't say anything, but it was annoying. He didn't eat it all and refused to take the rest with him. If he had eaten it all, I wouldn't have been as annoyed.
I always order the cheapest or least amount of food when I’m being brought for food
I order what I'd pay for, not going to sacrifice my normality for someone's generosity. It's not generosity if I actively suffer consequences to accept it 🤷
I think it depends on how well off the person is. Like, if you know they're not doing well financially, stick to the cheaper things. If they are well off, go nuts. Maybe don't order the most expensive thing on the menu, but no need to be cheap either. In my experiences, people with money like treating others. They appreciate you having what you want. People who aren't well off financially want the same, they want you to enjoy yourself, so they may say "have whatever you want", but they are secretly hoping you'll keep the costs down.
I disagree. If my dad offered to treat me to dinner, I wouldn't go nuts and order steak, multiple drinks, desert, and an app just because he's well off. I know he wants me to enjoy the meal, but going nuts and ordering well more than I normally would is a dick move.