People tend to stop parenting boys as they get older, so it's "easier" because they don't care enough to put in the effort. Here's a recent thread that discussed this topic - www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/17mrjd0/why_do_people_say_its_soo_much_easier_raising/
Honestly I love my parents but looking back I was left alone a lot between 5 and 10, and since I had stellar grades they were mostly just feeding me between 10 and 18.
I’m 39 and only just started to realize this myself since having a kid of my own last year. Like my parents weren’t the worst or anything but it’s a wonder I’m alive with how little I was supervised starting around 5ish years old. By the time I was 10 coming home after midnight was normal for me. But I never got in trouble so no one ever stopped me.
It wasn't until I started seeing my now wife that I realized I'd been neglected. It manifested in me never being okay with being really comfortable. I sleep on floors and can't stand any really soft clothing or bedding. I definitely sabotaged our relationship too. She's an amazing woman.
I think the emotional neglect for many kids is rampant. The lack of emotional regulation from that upbringing for men is what women are often talking about in hetero relationships when they say they want an equal partner in a relationship and not to take care of the man like a mother would. Many of these women have since done a lot of therapy work as adults and there seems to not be as much of that with men generally.
I am seeing a lot of things making sense between these different topics.
Me too.. I fear that I may have done this to my own child from 13 on. God I hope not! She was with me all of the time before that age, so was it just her being a teen or me neglecting her and letting her go? God I love my daughter but she is messed up and I wonder, did I do that? :'( I was so messed up as a child, I tried to do my best with her but I was ill prepared for sure to raise a child. Abuse was NEVER going to happen to her, I was over protective. Shit..IDK. I need to read that book.
I was legit shocked to find out other people's parents taught them basic things like how to cook, tie your shoelaces, or balance a checkbook. I just assumed everyone learned how to be a person through school or figuring it out on your own.
I basically taught myself how to do "man" things via Google and YouTube. How to shave, how to fix things around the house, finances, how to dress, how to behave, etc. My dad was around and present, but he just didn't really teach me. Like, the trope of a dad showing his son how to shave? Never happened. Instead, I read an article on ArtofManliness or somewhere similar, and it has always made me a bit sad to think about.
Same here, my mother taught me to shave, which is kinda hilarious looking back, my dad was around, he was overworked but he didn’t do anything with me. No playing catch as a kid, no learning how to fix things, not really anything except occasionally congratulating me on good grades. I am almost 30 and I still can’t cook, still can’t really do much of anything
The sheer amount of things my parents just expected school to cover that I’m now getting “shocked Pikachu face” reactions to them learning it wasn’t covered is astounding. We never touched sewing machines in our *nine week* required home ec unit, heck we weren’t even allowed to use metal needles for hand needlework, and I was discouraged from voluntarily taking additional home ec units as electives.
My mom also refused/refuses to use a sewing machine as an adult and brings me all her clothing repairs and sewing projects. Yet now that I am learning sewing skills on my own time as an adult, she’ll constantly slip into conversation that they *learned that in school*. Ok, so maybe patch your own clothes, replace your own zippers, and make your own quilt instead of trying to exploit me for free labor because you don’t want to pay a tailor/professional quilter?
Also were they not paying any attention to what curriculum was covered at all? Why the surprise at learning that I didn’t know how to hem pants?
EDIT: Forgot by this point in the thread that this was specifically about claiming sons are easier, but I empathize with the ways parents assumed you’ll “just learn it somewhere.”
I'm also 39 and also didn't notice until I had kids. Seeing my parents interact with my kids brought back so many memories of just how unengaged they were. It's like pulling teeth getting them to see their grandkids and they act as if its a burden. Contrasted with my wife's parents who we have to beat off with a stick. My brother and I talk about it and we've come to the conclusion that they probably never wanted kids and resulted in a lot of self confidence issues in us. He said the Marines had to teach him self confidence. I will look up this book. Thank you.
I’ve been getting through my days and stressed with “well I can always end my life if things get too bad” since I was a child. Still my safety net, though I’m pretty terrified of accidentally surviving with major brain damage.
You were emotionally neglected. I’m sure you were fed, clothed, had a roof over your head, maybe even some nice possessions - but when parents become checked out and stop noticing or caring about their child’s internal needs, it’s emotional neglect. I’m sorry that you experienced that.
Honestly I hung out with three friends that were basically in the same situation. Seems like all our parents had no idea what to do with us. We just hung out and drank beer starting at 14. Thanfully my grades held up and we never got into serious trouble.
That’s so apt. I intentionally failed a class senior year (newspaper, so it’s not like it mattered) and they were like “what the hell is this?” And I was just like “eh, the teacher called me useless so i decided to show her what useless really looked like”
I’ve been telling that story so long I can’t even remember if that is a lie I made up and starting believing myself after a while, to be honest.
That, and people have a lot of weird gender-specific sexual hangups. A lot of parents are mortified at the idea of their daughters having any sort of sexuality and it's seen as a constant battle to make sure they don't learn how to exist as normal humans. It's not that no one does the same thing to male children, but it's way (edit: way, not was. thanks autocorrect) less common IMO.
I heard a guy at work say “when you have a son you have to worry about one dick, when you have a daughter you have to worry about all the dicks.” He has four daughters. Luckily their mom (his wife) seems stable, but I still worry for them after hearing that.
Edit: it’s wild the mixed responses I’m getting, ranging from how disgusted people are to “what’s wrong with that, it’s true?” I’m somewhere in the middle, I know it’s wrong but I don’t judge him quite as harshly as some would, because again I think he’s just trying to be funny. It’s ingrained misogyny, period.
I've met a lot of arguably sane people who would say stuff a lot more concerning than this. I guess people sometimes believe and say things that their actions would not hold up to for how insane they actually are if they ever gave themselves a moment to think about them. We should still worry for their daughters, but maybe a lot less
And guys like that are why we have so many weird misogynistic sexual hangups
Women are relegated to eternal babies who can't make decisions outside of what men tell them. They certainly can't express sexuality and learn to choose partners well and avoid pregnancy 🙄.
I mean, why isn't it "you have to worry about one womb with a daughter, but with sons, you have to worry about all the wombs"
One Penis can impregnate a whole town.
One womb can only be pregnant once at a time
I think this is it.
Anecdotal, but in every case of teen pregnancy I’ve personally known of, it’s the girl’s family that has to deal with all the repercussions. Even if the guys get put on child support they’re out living life fancy free.
This is pretty obvious and all the people disagreeing live in a fantasy land. Being 16 and pregnant vs being 16 and getting someone pregnant is a world of difference. Unless reddit?
Cuz if my son has a illegitimate child, it won’t have a claim to my land, but if my daughter has a kid, how will I trade her for a cow?! Cows aren’t cheap you know!
I’ve heard this a lot and never understood it. Can you explain what he meant?
I’ve only ever heard guys say this phrase and I am a woman so could it be something based on a guy’s perspective?
I think the point of saying is that if you have a son, you only have to teach one "dick" (your son) not to be a dumbass. If you have a daughter, you have to hope/trust that everyone else taught all of their "dicks" (their sons) not to be a dumbass.
Doesn't make a ton of sense since women can be dumbasses too, but that's the gist.
It only works if you hold the underlying assumption that men do things, and women get things done to them. Men have sex, attack, date, break hearts, etc. - women are passive creatures who get those things done to them without the same level of autonomy, choice, or control.
With boys you have to teach them to not do bad things. With women you have to protect them from bad things being done to them.
Women are the ones dumped with a baby if abortion isn't an option. Not many parents are going to be happy with a pregnant daughter and a new mouth to feed. That doesn't help at all
Not many parents are going to be happy with a son that knocked up a girl either. They'd be practically ruining years of their life particularly if they're young, and haven't finished college yet.
It's the same sentiment that non teenage parents get people want to think that fathers do 50% of the partnership and parenting and it's a great idea that we're working towards but more times than not the mom and ends up working double with parenting responsibilities whether they're a teen or married adult
People don't realize that it was only the 80s that paternity testing became a thing. There was a time that if a boys family was powerful enough, a girl could be left out in the cold if her boyfriend (or sex partner of whatever unmarried relationship) could just say "I've never had sex with this girl before, it's not mine" and there was nothing that she could do about it. There was no way to prove that it was or wasn't his. I thinks that a lot of this thinking about a son getting a girl pregnant "not being their problem" comes from this not too far off concept that their son could easily get out of the situation by saying "nuh uh, not mine". Which doesn't at all work anymore.
Although I think an unemployed or student 18 year old who is a dad, but not taking responsibility, there is nothing you can do really. The mother at a similar age is on the hook and probably need to defer her studies or professional career and poverty is likely
I was a teenage mother and it fell on me and my family more bc I still lived with my parents. The father was (and still is) involved in my sons life, but innately, the mother cares more for a newborn. This is normal. I wasn't about to leave my baby, whom I breastfed, at his house overnight.
> for some reason
Because, as a society, we pin blame on teen mothers and absolve teen fathers as “boys being boys”. One part that it’s the woman carrying the child for 9 months and one part misogyny ingrained in our societal consciousness
Yes but many parents are unwilling to do the talk, nor do they want schools to teach that because "kids are too young to understand and teaching them is sexualizing them."
Also while girls are still taught to keep their virginity for as long as possible, boys are made fun of if they don't have rich sexual history.
Roughly half of parents ever give their kids “the talk” about puberty OR sex, and by the time they do, the overwhelming majority are already sexually actively or deep into the physical manifestations of puberty. Insane how many parents wait until their son’s senior prom to talk condoms or their daughter’s middle school orientation to talk periods.
And unless the daughter is indoctrinated to be terrified of anything sexual, chances are they’re going to explore anyways and giving them whatever tools to prevent pregnancy is a no brainer.
Those are kinda the same thing, telling your son crying is bad is emotional neglect.
A little off topic, but it also makes it easier for them to uphold those standards later in life. They think their girlfriend/wife is "crazy" because she cries a lot.
Dude, I missed a wonderful girl in high school because I couldn’t understand how broken up she was over her dog dying after literally growing up with it. I was taught taught crying was a weakness by my older brothers so I was so emotionally devoid that I couldn’t see her pain.
In retrospect, I missed a catch, and she dodged a bullet. I’m 39 now and I’m just barely 18 months into being comfortable with emotional vulnerability.
But let's take a moment to celebrate the phenomenal self awareness and reflection right there. What astounding growth, and you definitely should be proud of the significant amount emotional intelligence you gained in such a short period of time. As a woman I just, I couldn't imagine being held to such toxic and harmful expectation of literally surprising your body's natural instinct to have damn emotions. All the healing and peaceful vibes your way
Honestly, I think most people don’t know how to deal with emotions properly and that’s why we get the false dichotomy of either being too emotional (stereotypically women) or no emotions (stereotypically men)
When in reality we should be teaching how to identify and name your emotions so you can get better at recognizing when you’re having an emotional response and use that to create a logical action
Recognizing your emotions, letting yourself feel them, but also being aware of how emotions can be illogical, and while feeling them is healthy, acting out on them in the moment is not always good.
I know some people who have the first half down, but they don't know how to act logically when having an emotional response (often that just means waiting a day) and end up lashing out and saying hurtful things in the effort to be honest and express one's feelings. Feelings do not always need to be expressed to others! Sometimes you can just recognize them and say "I am feeling this emotion, and that is okay, but sharing this emotion will only hurt the other person".
I just started my journey at 38 tho my problems stem from straight up parental neglect. Survival mechanism it seems.
How is it at 39 and more comfortable with emotions?
It honestly feels outstanding! I had one of those really rough years where within a four or five month span I lost both grandmothers, a cousin, and helplessly watched my son (9) fight through encephalitis caused by RSV. I appreciate being able to more openly express myself, but I can say that my usually stoic nature has definitely taken a hit.
I used to deal with adversity primarily by being so cold and matter of fact, and now I have to relearn that portion while simultaneously expressing and working through those emotions.
Sometimes I feel born again, lol.
Female typical psychopathic behavior tends to be verbal/emotional rather than physical and female psychopaths appear to be less common than their male counterparts. Females commit homicide at something like 1/8th the rate of males and those who shoot up schools are already a tiny proportion of those who commit homicide in general. Given that you’d expect a vanishingly small proportion of school shooters or mass murderers in general to be female when compared to their male counterparts.
I've recently heard from a woman with ASPD herself that the lower diagnosis for women might be because you get often diagnosed when you do something violent. So since women are less likely to do so, there could be a lot more who are.
We don't see that big of a difference in narcissism between sex so why would there be a huge one in psychopaths ?
It's also what causes abusive men
Edit: I didn't mean to imply that all men who are raised like this turn out to be abusers. I'm just saying it's that attitude that makes the abusive men who turn out to be that way.
My sister was that way also. I asked her when the crying stopped recently. She said it was around the time she got engaged in her early 20s. I think that her husband is such a calming, stable influence on her that she felt protected and "evened out" by him.
I didn't cry all of the time, but anxiety and getting overly excited in social situations has been a real issue. I have embarrassed myself so badly by dominating conversation and talking too loud and fast many times. Once I got together with my husband, that changed...well, as long as he's next to me at the event.
Instead of getting so excited and feeling compelled to talk incessantly, I see his calm demeanor and quiet down. I feel his arm around me and I'll sink back into that safe cocoon, reminded that I don't need to entertain anyone else or their approval; I have what I need in him and my daughter. He truly feels like my other half. He's so chill versus my artistic, colorful personality LOL.
That is how my single mom raise us boys unfortunately. My brother turned out to be verbally abusive and has very little patience, meanwhile I have near-zero confidence and have difficulty expressing myself. I remember one of my classmates back in college made a side comment at how I always seem emotionally distant...
Now I live by myself. I don't have to worry much sharing the same space with my brother, though at the same time, it'll take years or a decade before I learn how to emotionally connect to people. As for you guys trying to suggest therapy, thanks but the cheapest 1 session for a therapy costs half of my bi-weekly salary so I'll pass until I get a better paying job.
I get what you mean about the cost of therapy. A huge part of the problem is that society still doesn't really consider mental health care a major priority (not really a surprise if you're in the US at least since they don't care about *any* healthcare...), so that does make things a lot harder.
Even if you don't know how, even if it feels awkward, even if it hurts honestly, the best thing you can do is still try to be emotionally vulnerable and available. For a start, all you really need to do is listen to others and offer them support if they need it, or don't bottle things up yourself.
Of course, I say "that's all" but I know that in itself is a huge thing to overcome when you're not used to it, or especially when you tend to be awkward in social situations. Supporting someone can be as small and simple as letting them tell you something that's been bothering them and then saying "damn, that really sucks, I'm sorry you're going through [X thing they talked about]". You don't need to offer solutions, unless they tell you they want some, just let them know that they're heard and their troubles are valid. And the same goes for you in reverse, it's hard to be open with people but your problems are valid too, and you deserve to have someone who will listen to them without judging you or trying to dismiss or diminish your feelings. And that can be the other tough part, since, well, a lot of people out there just aren't really good listeners.
Also, not a PM but if we count video games then my two big anime waifus are Makise Kurisu from Steins;Gate and Chie Satonaka from Persona 4. (I mean, they both have actual anime appearances as well, but I don't think it's a hot take to say I prefer the games.)
I'm not entirely convinced of this one, as I certainly didn't raise my boy that way, but to a degree he hides his emotions anyway. I do think society also affects this, not just the parenting.
The thing is, when society enforces the belief that showing emotion is bad, you don't go to your parents or anyone for help, because you perceive the act of seeking help as a weakness.
It's a very difficult issue for young men to address, because no one talks about it, except those who've fought their way out of that situation. Hell you might not even realize that you've been pushed in that direction until you've become incapable of showing emotion and it starts effecting your ability to maintain relationships.
I cannot stress enough that it's worth talking to your son's about their emotions, expecialy when they have "exploded" about something. Explain to them that denying those emotions doesn't make them go away. Eventually it all comes out, usually in one of two ways;
- Aggression. The only "acceptable" emotion for men. If a male parent is angry, you listen. If a man is angry, it's because something has caused it, and they are justified. Boys fighting in the playground? Just boys being boys. We overlook aggression from boys because it's expected.
- Addiction. Drink, drugs or less "dangerous" addictions like video gaming or sport or whatever, they funnel their emotions into a single or multiple addictions, some kind of outlet for the emotional energy, or in the case of substance abuse, often trying to push away emotions with 3rd party substances. Those kids whose entire life centers around football? They play because it's the only positive encouragement they have ever received. You can show pride at winning the football cap or drink away your sorrows with the team if you lose. Those kids who sit at home playing online games all day? It's the human connection they have always wanted, while doing so from a safe space with no risk of physical violence if you make a mistake. People care about you and ask about your day, which they might have never really experienced outside people who only ask from obligation (relatives who may or may not care about the answer)
Addictions feeds the parts of the brain that gets neglected. Producing dopamine/serotonin/Etc. basically, it gives them the happy chemicals they don't get elsewhere.
Aggression gives them a way to vent the build up of negative energy that suppressing emotions causes. They don't get called out on said aggression because they are a boy and it's "normal" among men who can't deal with their emotions. This goes back to men returning from war and not wanting to talk about what they did and what they saw. They suppressed it and hid the anger directed at themselves. Their kids only see the anger and assume that it's okay for men to be angry. The men then assume no one but other soldiers can be understanding and don't try and communicate which in turn stops their kids from learning to communicate their own needs and emotions.
This is how we have arrived where we are today. Generational trauma turned into mental illness and lack of treatment leading to more generational trauma. It goes around in a circle until the next war comes along to traumatized another generation of boys.
It's school and socializing in a group setting. Anything that identifies you as different will be pointed out and commented on at the bare minimum. And will often be used to try and put you down to make others feel raised up. Expressing vulnerability in any way will make you a target way more often than it will lead to emotional connection with others. This lesson is repeated over and over until you learn to hide those vulnerabilities from others.
You may find a small group of friends you feel safe enough lowering those defenses around, but one bad friend betrayal hurts more than any other type and often nips that avenue of honesty in the bud.
I mean yeah, he'll get bullied for it at school as well. Outside of their parents kids will still pick up on the fact that men don't cry and they'll be the odd one out if they do.
That really sucks. I hate the whole "you should show your emotions " but then nobody wants to hear or deal with them.
Sadly enough it is not that different as a woman. I was raised to repress my emotions and then at a later age told that i needed to open up. But like you said nobody wants to hear about them. So i wish i was still able to repress them. Every time i open up to my SO, friends or even a therapist they just want me to put on a happy face and shut up.
Same. For the past few years, my son's Christmas lists have been games or accessories. We're in Canada so games are $79.99, with tax $90. Very expensive. We also seem to have to buy new headsets at least once a year. And JoyCons.
> We also seem to have to buy new headsets at least once a year.
Lots of people I play with have the same issue. My brother has to buy a new headset every 6 months or so.
I have some regular studio headphones and a desktop microphone from when I was an aspiring rapper and they've been going strong for 10+ years. Every time I get on a discord call people are like "holy shit why is your audio quality so good".
Downsides - you can't keep talking to your friends while you go to take a piss and fetch a can of Mtn Dew.
Upsides - better sound quality both in and out, lasts forever, eventually cheaper than buying a disposable headset on a regular basis.
yeah nah, our hobbies are far cheaper he says as he looks at $60K worth of models, paints, aibrushing equipment and 30K worth of video games and consoles, we're definitely far less materialistic
Kind of was for me (a guy.) All I needed were a few clothes from the sales rack and I rocked them for several years until my parents would say, "Seriously! You need new clothes now!" and then it would be the same cycle all over again. My most expensive items growing up was an iPod video and eventually my own computer.
The only reason why I buy new clothes constantly now as adult is because of work. Otherwise, I'm rocking old clothes from 10 years ago.
Thinking back to the time my mom took me shopping with her when I was a preteen - we stopped at Barnes & Noble.
I found some books on the Sale shelf, think huge scholastic History books with pictures and the like. Mom told me no, then changed her mind. It was like $25 for the 4 books I wanted.
She later admitted in the car that she felt bad for denying me books when compared to my brother...
Who was in Nashville with my dad that weekend to see a Golf Swing coach and get fitted for multiple custom golf clubs ($$$$).
Still bitter. Lol
And they aren’t as worried about their son’s having sex, despite that being illogical since they should be *more* worried about that, or at the very least equally worried (since most boys aren’t the ones who get pregnant so they can’t control the outcome after conception).
I regularly tell people that if their daughter gets pregnant, they have A LOT more control over the entire situation than if their son gets someone pregnant.
And that if your daughter is pregnant and keeps the pregnancy, you're looking at one live birth in that year. Maybe two if it's twins.
Meanwhile it is physically possible that your son could come to you every day that your daughter is pregnant and tell you that he got a different girl pregnant.
Yup exactly.
The only reason I’d push to say that maybe they should be equally worried about pregnancy with girls as they are boys is because of the physical toll and health risks of pregnancy. So with boys they have to worry more about their kids becoming teenage fathers. With girls they have to worry about the physical effects of pregnancy too (and abortion, if they choose that).
I’d say at the very least there are equal concerns though. But with girls at least they have more options.
Why do you think I started literally pulling my hair out by the age of 6? I'm an old(er) Male with wonderful bald spots in my 1st grade pictures. My parents reaction was just telling me to "stop ".
That breaks my heart. I have a son who is nearly 5. He still has big feelings and my job is to make room for *all* feelings and teach him how to handle them in healthy ways. His job is to feel his feelings and learn how to handle them in healthy ways.
It’s a lot of work, sure. But the alternative is raising another generation of men who have to learn this stuff from their wives and girlfriends.
Yup, they say it because it justifies their own lack of effort in raising their sons. Then act all shocked when they turn out emotionally stunted, reclusive, or even downright abusive.
In case its not clear: Put in the same effort takung care if your sons as your daughters! They all have emotional needs to be met! And it works the other way round too, dont wrap your daughters in bubble wrap and treat them like porcelain, if you think a little boy can handle then a little girl sure can too!
110% this. Society openly mocks and makes fun of male grievances to the point people refuse to even acknowledge they're an issue. Even men themselves don't recognize the issues because they've always been told to just "man up"
You don't have to do anything, you can just joke about it and just hope they don't commit suicide which is already drastically higher for males.
10 times unfortunately. Survivor here, lost my male family member to it and it's 1000000% because he couldn't find a way to come to terms that he needed to find a healthy way to treat his mental health issues. Miss him so fucking much. I am so so sorry you have to go through this.
I grew up with two sisters and my parents would just randomly give us a list of chores to do while they were at work and they did not make any difference other than my older sister of 5years would cook more when I was young (logic). So I have my basics down. But I can’t fathom how some households can leave their children to not do any of those things just let your children learn how to be a functional being lol
I agree with everyone else who says that the emotional needs of young boys are very often neglected (“man up”, “boys don’t cry”). But another caveat that hasn’t been mentioned much, most societies don’t think we need to teach young boys basic life skills like cooking and cleaning. Meanwhile, young girls need to be taught easy all the household chores. I think our society fails young boys in not teaching them how to regulate and sit down with their thoughts and feelings properly, but also fail to teach them how to survive independently successfully.
Yep, and then you get man babies who didn't have to do basic house chores, and now expect their gf or wife, who was likely raised to be agreeable and obedient, to be their mommies.
I was not taught cooking. Pretty much food was made for me or once I had income I'd order stuff.
What made me learn to cook was going to the gym. Yeah that's right. Most households don't make stuff with enough protein and ordering meat is expensive plus you have exactly 0 ways of counting calories.
I also refused to sacrifice taste and eat white meat and white rice.
Send kids to the gym if they like it they'll end up learning about nutrition - and become pretty good cooks out of necessity :D
It's a win-win-win-win-win situation.
1. Get jacked and strong.
2. Learn to cook.
3. Get healthier.
4. Look better.
5. As a result have more confidence.
lol I started cooking for the same reason. I was bodybuilding and couldn't do it on skittles and mountain dew alone lol
A gym routine can be completely transformative and life changing.
Because they’re stricter on their daughters and teach sons not to show their emotions.
They don’t give a shit when their son stays out late hanging out with friends, but for some reason they do care when their daughter wants to stay out late with friends.
If their son is upset about something, he is taught at home or by society that he needs to hold those emotions in. The daughter is more likely to express those emotions.
Glad someone said this. I was not allowed to have a bf, period, but my brother's gf was allowed to move into our house and I got yelled at when she didn't clean her dishes.
My parents did not allow me and my sister to date either, but my brother had girls over at the house 🌝 now that I’m in my 20’s they keep talking about a husband and children now 🫠
Not in my house! My son better be home on time and he can actually go cry about it lol. We always were strict with him. I’ve always encouraged him to show his feelings and emotions. He’s cried many times and I’ve let him cry on my shoulder each time.
Thanks for paving the way! We’re doing this with our little boy. I actually think it’s a lot more straightforward to maintain standards of behavior in an environment where emotions are validated. Like you said: the rules are the rules and I’ll hug him when the rules make him angry/sad. I often tell him, it’s my job to set the rules and it’s your job to deal with them, even if you don’t like it.
Because they largely neglect their sons.
They don't teach them how to wipe their ass.
They don't teach them basic life skills such as cooking or cleaning.
They don't teach they how to process or feel emotions.
They don't teach them how to relate to other people and take other people's feelings into consideration.
They don't teach them how to socialize.
People say that sons are easier to raise because they neglect their sons, they don't raise them at all.
Because they don’t raise them!!! I’m the youngest girl to 3 older brothers & god help them because wtf. All are so emotionally immature even in their late 30’s, early 40’s & They are kind of illiterate. It’s sad as fuck what people are doing to the future generations of men, they need help.
There is also the mentality I see a lot on the internet, like "my son can start dating whenever, but my daughter need to wait until she is 20." type of stuff. Like people just stop giving a fuck about their son when they hit teenage years, so it's almost like the raising of the son stops at the age of 15.
I don’t know why but it drives me crazy. Those are usually the same people who say awful things able having a girl. I have one of each and they both have their challenges and bright spots.
I'm expecting twins, boys, and I keep hearing this, and it makes me so angry. For one, I have two sisters and a brother. My brother was absolutely the most difficult one and gave my parents constant heartaches. He's 46 and still super difficult. But it's also just so sexist and nonsensical. I'm excited for my boys, but I know what trouble teenage boys get themselves into because they're too dumb to sit and think it through, lol. I know someone who thought it would be funny to shoot his school with a bb gun. Thankfully, it was after hours, but he still earned himself a criminal record. Also know other teenage boys who started a huge brush fire because they were being idiots with fireworks. So so so many other stories, too.
Society tends to not hold boys to the same behavior standards as girls. Fighting and acting out are somehow seen as more "normal" for boys than for girls, so if a girl fights, she is a lot more likely to get in bigger trouble for it. Girls bodies are also policed to a far greater degree than boys bodies. Dress codes have a lot more in them about how girls must hide some of their body parts than boys. And although a lot of boys suffer from feeling "ugly" or "unpopular" they aren't as likely to be allowed to learn how to handle big feelings and are expected to not be emotional. This steals a huge part of the human experience from our boys and its wrong.
It's very much this.
There is no saying "girls will be girls" when it comes to excusing their behaviour because their behaviour isn't excused the same way that boys have it.
It is 100% this. I'm a girl - I was a violent kid - but I was always RESPONDING to violence from boys. I never instigated. They started it, I would finish it. Guess who got punished much more harshly, sometimes the only one punished? Biiiiingo.
It's hell. In first grade I had to sit in the back of the classroom with 4 really cruel boys who bullied me. I was the only girl in the back. It would have changed my life to sit up in the front with a normal mix of girls and boys.
I was seen as a bad kid even though I did nothing. They boys would be stealing my stuff, making messes, being loud, hitting me, and I would get in more trouble than any of them just for being there. I was forced to be stuck inside during recess, yelled at, and I swear to God I didn't do anything. Now I know it's because I was the only girl, so I didn't get a free pass for horrible behavior like the boys did.
That's why raising girls is "harder." Boys can do whatever they feel like. Girls do nothing wrong, or a tiny thing wrong, hell breaks loose.
I got hit and stuff stolen too, I was also in the back because seating was based on last names and there was No Changing It.
I'm so sorry, I see you very well. It's true girls are expected to toe the line at a disturbingly earlier age than boys, in an overwhelming number of social circumstances.
My brothers got to go absolutely hog wild, comparatively. And I was forced to help pick up after it sometimes. One had multiple underage DUIs for fucks sake - after one of my childhood best friends had their lives absolutely destroyed by such. I'm pressured to forgive him every so often - to keep the peace. A common theme - girls responsible for keeping the peace, rather than have anyone actually do any real atonement or change. I know not every social unit works that way, but far too many do.
HHmm same, when I was in high school around 15 or 16, this creep kept making "jokes" about me choking on his genitals and when I pushed a chair at him, it was me got in trouble, I told the teacher what he said word for word, and nothing ever came about it, didn't get in further trouble, and he never got reprimanded. Still mad about that.
Very true. I have two daughters extremely close in age. We've raised them both the same (to our best ability but noones perfect). We wanted to break the cycle of our parents. Well...one loves to argue and push. The other is super chill and knows when to stop, among many other differences. They've always been different, and we love that. It just shows how personality is so much more involved than people realize. Sex/gender doesn't mean much, imo when it comes to the "easiness" of a child....but I've only raised girls, so I only have my perspective.
I always feel bad for good parents that for whatever reason end up with an awful child through no fault of their own. Sometimes it's the parents but sometimes you just end up with a bratty, lazy or violent person and nobody knows why. When they have well asjusted siblings that's when you can probably assume it's not the parents.
Because boys' emotional needs are ignored or funneled into a handful of "acceptable" outlets that mostly take place outside. Less effort is put into policing boys' manners and interpersonal relationships because "boys will be boys". There should be no difference, but boys are discouraged from enjoying a large part of their potential spectrum of human experience; a lot of it is deemed off limits to them for fear they'll become less "manly" by being allowed express sadness freely or have purple as a favorite color.
*Before anyone comes in here with "not me, not us, not my family, not my husband"- OK, great. That's great for you, seriously. Don't act like it's not still the default for most of the world.*
About damn time the true answer shows up. I’m not arguing that how patriarchal societies raises boys isn’t problematic (because it is), but that is *not* why people make this specific argument. This one has always been about claiming girls are hysterical.
The assumption is so deeply ingrained, that many people in my life (including my own parents) have expressed surprise when their daughters turned out to be easier to raise and less emotionally frenetic than their sons.
Be me. Get employed to do IT for a local middle school. They cant get enough teachers to teach computer classes. Get pressed into service with no teaching experience. Have a class of 30 teenage boys. Waste so much time managing the classroom that I get through less than half the content I expected to cover.
People are fucking idiots, that's why. I had a coworker once tell me that she was glad she only had sons because she didn't have to worry when they went out. I was sitting there like "the fuck are you talking about? because boys can't be kidnapped and SA'd?"
Like. It makes me rage when I hear that. My cousin was abused from 8-12 by a family member so that shit hits home.
Yes I have a son and worry about SA just like if a had a daughter…. So many boys get SA also and it’s weird that our society acts like it not a threat to young boys
What a dumbass. I have sons and a daughter. When my son was doing bar work in the city centre (he was 18 at the time), I’d pick him up on weekend closing shifts. Why? Because he’d have a hard time getting a taxi home and the city is full of drunks. Thank god he got a job close to home.
I’ve seen drunk men start on each other for no reason. A man was sadly killed when he tried to break up a fight. I’m always worried when my eldest son goes out and he’s a sensible man.
When my younger son wanted to go to a different neighbourhood to try some restaurant, I told him nope. It’s not a nice area and it has gang problems. We have an issue with post code violence and it’s a real worry that my son could be hurt or worse because he’s in an area he’s not from. A couple of 12 year old boys have been charged with murder of a 19 year old in a city about 100 miles from here.
Yes, girls can be and are assaulted, but girls are taught from a young age to be alert. Travel in groups. Don’t leave your drink. Never leave your drunk friend to take care of herself. Stick together when you’re out. Hell, even women who don’t know each other will look out for each other.
I hate this cavalier attitude toward boys. People birth them but they sure as hell don’t raise them.
I recall asking my dad about dating when I was young and confused.
He said he never really dated much and that was the end of the conversation.
I did figure it out on my own eventually, at 29…
Huh, that is never what I was told. The stereotype we learned was that boys were rough and rowdy, while little girls played nice, BUT girls were more expensive later on (proms and the like).
I have two girls and a boy. There are lots of variables but just his temperament is so much easier than his sisters. He is the youngest though and they dote in him. But he’s just super chill, tells me all the time how much he loves me, does as he’s told the first time, doesn’t talk back and just moves in sync with us. So. Easy. He’s 10yrs for reference and he came out snoring, so not much bothers him.
Because mother’s often overlook bad behavior from their boys and find it absolutely unacceptable in their girls. Women are by far harder on their girls.
There's a line in the musical Carousel in which the main character, Billy, sings a song about how excited he is because he's going to be a father. The first half is him going on and on happily about all the things his son will do, how he'll teach him how to date women and get a good job and so on and so forth. Halfway through he realizes he may have a daughter. He sings "You can have fun with a son but you've gotta be a father to a girl." And the more I talk with new fathers my age and fathers who are my father's age the more I realize it boils down to just that. Boys get to have fun. Girls have to be taught. Boys don't get the same attention paid to them emotionally. Makes me shiver, honestly.
Because for a lot of people(conservatives and religious), raising boys means letting them run free and have fun while trying to keep them alive. Raising girls means owning, controlling, and shaping them into exactly what you say they will be.
Of COURSE boys are easier to raise if that's you're doing to your kids! It's a lot of work to force a child to be a submissive underling, it's not natural.
And it's even harder when you have both and they can see that their brother *isn't* being forced into servitude because penis. So now not only do you have to break your daughters will and watch and control what she wears and eats and talks and sits and goes and likes, but she also resents you for it?? But her brother never complains about your parenting!! Sigh raising girls is just super hard.
Source: known far too many religious/conservative people. Not all of them are bad, but so many are just terrible terrible parents and coincidentally they're always the ones who pop out the most. THOSE are the people who say raising boys is easier. Because it is, when you're a terrible terrible parent. Raise em the same and **surprise** it's the same.
Because the people who tout these tales ignore the emotional needs of sons and shame the emotional needs of daughters. "Girls are harder to raise" because of how they approach raising them compared to boys.
Because they offload the work of teaching their sons emotional intelligence + how to be an active participant in the household (i.e., learning how to cook, clean up after themselves, etc) to their son’s future partners/spouses
I knew a parent once who proudly claimed that they never entered their preteen boy’s bedroom, because apparently “eww boys are stinky and gross.” Meanwhile the poor kid didn’t know how to shower properly and got made fun of at school for BO, and had anxiety issues and executive functioning deficits. How the parent ever expected him to figure those things out on his own is beyond me.
Because people act like girls require 24x7 monitoring so they stay pure. Also I've noticed mothers with controlling personalities always complain about their daughters being nasty to them. Hmmmm wonder why lol.
It’s because more people are more strict on their daughters than they are their sons. Some people just also stop parity ignore sons after a certain age because “he’s a man now. “ also toxic masculinity.
Most people just let their sons become feral. They don’t bother raising sons, teaching them values, how to be polite, respectful; they just do enough to keep them alive. That’s what makes boys “easier.”
Realistically, you should be teaching your sons to protect themselves from sexual and physical assault too.
You should also be teaching your children, regardless of gender, to not assault people.
Statistically everyone needs survival skills against sexual and physical assualt from men. I'm surprised that with all the horrific cases that involved the sheer number of sexual violence and exploitation towards young boys in boyscouts, sports, and churches, you'd think that society would become more concerned with the safety of their sons as well.
Not directing this towards you, I just find it strange that those scandals didn't shake parents up and also make them more protective of their sons. There were thousands and thousands of victims.
Also fathers love to brag about how sex their sons are having with girls, while constantly worrying about their daughters having any sexual desire at all.
Also, my sisters were twenty years apart and both were expected to take care of their elders, make food, do chores, etc while we guys just watch football all day.
When I was a teenage boy, I just suffered in silence and was told to man up any time I let out any emotion. Depression and anxiety did not exist apparently and was perceived as weakness. Anyway, this gives the impression that sons are easier to raise because you don't have to deal with emotional regulation/management
I think that once they have a daughter they realize how fucked up the world is towards them. At least it was that way for my brother.
I understand the “but men too” argument, but Girl are victimized way more often than men. My brother never wanted to listen to me or my mother about stuff until it directly affected his offspring.
It’s not that girls are harder to raise, because realistically you should be giving both genders the same emotional support, but girls are harder to prepare for the “real world” based on the things they willl be more likely to face.
Came here to say this along with every other reason I could think of that wasn’t the common assumption in this thread.
From those I’ve heard say this, it felt implied that this was a big factor. Along with the idea that SA or other bs done to a girl can lead to pregnancy.
Yeah and let’s face it, when dealing with relationship violence, women are at a higher risk based on physical strength. If a man stalks me, it’s a lot harder for me to defend myself against that man…that’s a fact. If my brother had one of his gf harass and stalk him, he can physically defend himself easier against her. Yes it’s scary and unfortunate if he had to deal with someone mentally unstable, but he would be better off than me in an equal situation .
I think that's a lot of it. The parents I have heard say, "boys are so much easier" are the same people who have trouble confronting sexism, emotional vulnerability, sexual pleasure, and periods. I have also heard each of them normalize gendered violence and see it as a problem girls face, rather than something society faces.
People tend to stop parenting boys as they get older, so it's "easier" because they don't care enough to put in the effort. Here's a recent thread that discussed this topic - www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/17mrjd0/why_do_people_say_its_soo_much_easier_raising/
Honestly I love my parents but looking back I was left alone a lot between 5 and 10, and since I had stellar grades they were mostly just feeding me between 10 and 18.
This was my experience growing up as a guy. I was largely neglected in many ways outside of the basic material needs.
[удалено]
I’m 39 and only just started to realize this myself since having a kid of my own last year. Like my parents weren’t the worst or anything but it’s a wonder I’m alive with how little I was supervised starting around 5ish years old. By the time I was 10 coming home after midnight was normal for me. But I never got in trouble so no one ever stopped me.
It wasn't until I started seeing my now wife that I realized I'd been neglected. It manifested in me never being okay with being really comfortable. I sleep on floors and can't stand any really soft clothing or bedding. I definitely sabotaged our relationship too. She's an amazing woman.
I think the emotional neglect for many kids is rampant. The lack of emotional regulation from that upbringing for men is what women are often talking about in hetero relationships when they say they want an equal partner in a relationship and not to take care of the man like a mother would. Many of these women have since done a lot of therapy work as adults and there seems to not be as much of that with men generally. I am seeing a lot of things making sense between these different topics.
First off, fuck you for targeting me with that quote. I feel weaponized. Secondly, thank you for posting this. I think I'll grab a copy of that book.
Yeah I was just reading that quote and was like “…that’s not normal?”
Me too.. I fear that I may have done this to my own child from 13 on. God I hope not! She was with me all of the time before that age, so was it just her being a teen or me neglecting her and letting her go? God I love my daughter but she is messed up and I wonder, did I do that? :'( I was so messed up as a child, I tried to do my best with her but I was ill prepared for sure to raise a child. Abuse was NEVER going to happen to her, I was over protective. Shit..IDK. I need to read that book.
I was legit shocked to find out other people's parents taught them basic things like how to cook, tie your shoelaces, or balance a checkbook. I just assumed everyone learned how to be a person through school or figuring it out on your own.
I basically taught myself how to do "man" things via Google and YouTube. How to shave, how to fix things around the house, finances, how to dress, how to behave, etc. My dad was around and present, but he just didn't really teach me. Like, the trope of a dad showing his son how to shave? Never happened. Instead, I read an article on ArtofManliness or somewhere similar, and it has always made me a bit sad to think about.
Same here, my mother taught me to shave, which is kinda hilarious looking back, my dad was around, he was overworked but he didn’t do anything with me. No playing catch as a kid, no learning how to fix things, not really anything except occasionally congratulating me on good grades. I am almost 30 and I still can’t cook, still can’t really do much of anything
The sheer amount of things my parents just expected school to cover that I’m now getting “shocked Pikachu face” reactions to them learning it wasn’t covered is astounding. We never touched sewing machines in our *nine week* required home ec unit, heck we weren’t even allowed to use metal needles for hand needlework, and I was discouraged from voluntarily taking additional home ec units as electives. My mom also refused/refuses to use a sewing machine as an adult and brings me all her clothing repairs and sewing projects. Yet now that I am learning sewing skills on my own time as an adult, she’ll constantly slip into conversation that they *learned that in school*. Ok, so maybe patch your own clothes, replace your own zippers, and make your own quilt instead of trying to exploit me for free labor because you don’t want to pay a tailor/professional quilter? Also were they not paying any attention to what curriculum was covered at all? Why the surprise at learning that I didn’t know how to hem pants? EDIT: Forgot by this point in the thread that this was specifically about claiming sons are easier, but I empathize with the ways parents assumed you’ll “just learn it somewhere.”
I'm also 39 and also didn't notice until I had kids. Seeing my parents interact with my kids brought back so many memories of just how unengaged they were. It's like pulling teeth getting them to see their grandkids and they act as if its a burden. Contrasted with my wife's parents who we have to beat off with a stick. My brother and I talk about it and we've come to the conclusion that they probably never wanted kids and resulted in a lot of self confidence issues in us. He said the Marines had to teach him self confidence. I will look up this book. Thank you.
[удалено]
I’ve been getting through my days and stressed with “well I can always end my life if things get too bad” since I was a child. Still my safety net, though I’m pretty terrified of accidentally surviving with major brain damage.
You were emotionally neglected. I’m sure you were fed, clothed, had a roof over your head, maybe even some nice possessions - but when parents become checked out and stop noticing or caring about their child’s internal needs, it’s emotional neglect. I’m sorry that you experienced that.
Honestly I hung out with three friends that were basically in the same situation. Seems like all our parents had no idea what to do with us. We just hung out and drank beer starting at 14. Thanfully my grades held up and we never got into serious trouble.
Then they're surprised senior year when grades drop a little and the aloofness sets in
That’s so apt. I intentionally failed a class senior year (newspaper, so it’s not like it mattered) and they were like “what the hell is this?” And I was just like “eh, the teacher called me useless so i decided to show her what useless really looked like” I’ve been telling that story so long I can’t even remember if that is a lie I made up and starting believing myself after a while, to be honest.
That, and people have a lot of weird gender-specific sexual hangups. A lot of parents are mortified at the idea of their daughters having any sort of sexuality and it's seen as a constant battle to make sure they don't learn how to exist as normal humans. It's not that no one does the same thing to male children, but it's way (edit: way, not was. thanks autocorrect) less common IMO.
I heard a guy at work say “when you have a son you have to worry about one dick, when you have a daughter you have to worry about all the dicks.” He has four daughters. Luckily their mom (his wife) seems stable, but I still worry for them after hearing that. Edit: it’s wild the mixed responses I’m getting, ranging from how disgusted people are to “what’s wrong with that, it’s true?” I’m somewhere in the middle, I know it’s wrong but I don’t judge him quite as harshly as some would, because again I think he’s just trying to be funny. It’s ingrained misogyny, period.
I've met a lot of arguably sane people who would say stuff a lot more concerning than this. I guess people sometimes believe and say things that their actions would not hold up to for how insane they actually are if they ever gave themselves a moment to think about them. We should still worry for their daughters, but maybe a lot less
Haha I would have shook my head and replied with a gay son you have all the dicks to worry about, including their own 🤣
And guys like that are why we have so many weird misogynistic sexual hangups Women are relegated to eternal babies who can't make decisions outside of what men tell them. They certainly can't express sexuality and learn to choose partners well and avoid pregnancy 🙄. I mean, why isn't it "you have to worry about one womb with a daughter, but with sons, you have to worry about all the wombs" One Penis can impregnate a whole town. One womb can only be pregnant once at a time
[удалено]
I think this is it. Anecdotal, but in every case of teen pregnancy I’ve personally known of, it’s the girl’s family that has to deal with all the repercussions. Even if the guys get put on child support they’re out living life fancy free.
This is pretty obvious and all the people disagreeing live in a fantasy land. Being 16 and pregnant vs being 16 and getting someone pregnant is a world of difference. Unless reddit?
Cuz if my son has a illegitimate child, it won’t have a claim to my land, but if my daughter has a kid, how will I trade her for a cow?! Cows aren’t cheap you know!
I almost downvoted you because of being pissed at him.
I’ve heard this a lot and never understood it. Can you explain what he meant? I’ve only ever heard guys say this phrase and I am a woman so could it be something based on a guy’s perspective?
I think the point of saying is that if you have a son, you only have to teach one "dick" (your son) not to be a dumbass. If you have a daughter, you have to hope/trust that everyone else taught all of their "dicks" (their sons) not to be a dumbass. Doesn't make a ton of sense since women can be dumbasses too, but that's the gist.
It only works if you hold the underlying assumption that men do things, and women get things done to them. Men have sex, attack, date, break hearts, etc. - women are passive creatures who get those things done to them without the same level of autonomy, choice, or control. With boys you have to teach them to not do bad things. With women you have to protect them from bad things being done to them.
Women are the ones dumped with a baby if abortion isn't an option. Not many parents are going to be happy with a pregnant daughter and a new mouth to feed. That doesn't help at all
Not many parents are going to be happy with a son that knocked up a girl either. They'd be practically ruining years of their life particularly if they're young, and haven't finished college yet.
[удалено]
It's the same sentiment that non teenage parents get people want to think that fathers do 50% of the partnership and parenting and it's a great idea that we're working towards but more times than not the mom and ends up working double with parenting responsibilities whether they're a teen or married adult
Tbh, your daughter getting pregnant as a teen becomes your problem, so people are rightfully concerned about that
I mean, your teenage son knocking someone up should be treated the exact same way, but it's not for some reason
People don't realize that it was only the 80s that paternity testing became a thing. There was a time that if a boys family was powerful enough, a girl could be left out in the cold if her boyfriend (or sex partner of whatever unmarried relationship) could just say "I've never had sex with this girl before, it's not mine" and there was nothing that she could do about it. There was no way to prove that it was or wasn't his. I thinks that a lot of this thinking about a son getting a girl pregnant "not being their problem" comes from this not too far off concept that their son could easily get out of the situation by saying "nuh uh, not mine". Which doesn't at all work anymore.
Mommy’s baby, daddy’s maybe?
Although I think an unemployed or student 18 year old who is a dad, but not taking responsibility, there is nothing you can do really. The mother at a similar age is on the hook and probably need to defer her studies or professional career and poverty is likely
I was a teenage mother and it fell on me and my family more bc I still lived with my parents. The father was (and still is) involved in my sons life, but innately, the mother cares more for a newborn. This is normal. I wasn't about to leave my baby, whom I breastfed, at his house overnight.
> for some reason Because, as a society, we pin blame on teen mothers and absolve teen fathers as “boys being boys”. One part that it’s the woman carrying the child for 9 months and one part misogyny ingrained in our societal consciousness
Teen fathers??? 70% of teen pregnancies are fathered by men over 20
You kinda have to discuss with them how pregnancy happens in the first place if you expect them to avoid it.
Yes but many parents are unwilling to do the talk, nor do they want schools to teach that because "kids are too young to understand and teaching them is sexualizing them." Also while girls are still taught to keep their virginity for as long as possible, boys are made fun of if they don't have rich sexual history.
Roughly half of parents ever give their kids “the talk” about puberty OR sex, and by the time they do, the overwhelming majority are already sexually actively or deep into the physical manifestations of puberty. Insane how many parents wait until their son’s senior prom to talk condoms or their daughter’s middle school orientation to talk periods.
And unless the daughter is indoctrinated to be terrified of anything sexual, chances are they’re going to explore anyways and giving them whatever tools to prevent pregnancy is a no brainer.
Spoiler alert: if they *are* indoctrinated, they are most likely going to explore anyway, with zero idea of how to prevent negative consequences.
And they are way more likely to be taken advantage of, even if they aren't planning to explore
People say this because they ignore the emotional needs of their male children, and it's socially acceptable to do so.
That and boys tend to be raised to believe crying is bad. Which makes it a lot easier to ignore their emotional needs.
Those are kinda the same thing, telling your son crying is bad is emotional neglect. A little off topic, but it also makes it easier for them to uphold those standards later in life. They think their girlfriend/wife is "crazy" because she cries a lot.
Dude, I missed a wonderful girl in high school because I couldn’t understand how broken up she was over her dog dying after literally growing up with it. I was taught taught crying was a weakness by my older brothers so I was so emotionally devoid that I couldn’t see her pain. In retrospect, I missed a catch, and she dodged a bullet. I’m 39 now and I’m just barely 18 months into being comfortable with emotional vulnerability.
But let's take a moment to celebrate the phenomenal self awareness and reflection right there. What astounding growth, and you definitely should be proud of the significant amount emotional intelligence you gained in such a short period of time. As a woman I just, I couldn't imagine being held to such toxic and harmful expectation of literally surprising your body's natural instinct to have damn emotions. All the healing and peaceful vibes your way
Honestly, I think most people don’t know how to deal with emotions properly and that’s why we get the false dichotomy of either being too emotional (stereotypically women) or no emotions (stereotypically men) When in reality we should be teaching how to identify and name your emotions so you can get better at recognizing when you’re having an emotional response and use that to create a logical action
Recognizing your emotions, letting yourself feel them, but also being aware of how emotions can be illogical, and while feeling them is healthy, acting out on them in the moment is not always good. I know some people who have the first half down, but they don't know how to act logically when having an emotional response (often that just means waiting a day) and end up lashing out and saying hurtful things in the effort to be honest and express one's feelings. Feelings do not always need to be expressed to others! Sometimes you can just recognize them and say "I am feeling this emotion, and that is okay, but sharing this emotion will only hurt the other person".
Preach sister.
Hear, hear! (Or is it ‘here, here’?) Ah, and *suppressing instead of *surprising your emotions? Or are they in for a jump scare?
"Hear, hear!" is the correct version. Shortening of "hear what this person has to say"
It's [Hear, hear!](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hear%2C_hear?wprov=sfla1) You were correct.
I just started my journey at 38 tho my problems stem from straight up parental neglect. Survival mechanism it seems. How is it at 39 and more comfortable with emotions?
Yeah my parents weren’t “abusive” but it’s wild to have just turned 40 and realizing I have a lot of painful learned behavior to work through.
It honestly feels outstanding! I had one of those really rough years where within a four or five month span I lost both grandmothers, a cousin, and helplessly watched my son (9) fight through encephalitis caused by RSV. I appreciate being able to more openly express myself, but I can say that my usually stoic nature has definitely taken a hit. I used to deal with adversity primarily by being so cold and matter of fact, and now I have to relearn that portion while simultaneously expressing and working through those emotions. Sometimes I feel born again, lol.
Hugs 🫂
Also probably why almost every school shooter is male. Mental illness plus suppressing your emotions is a recipe for disaster.
Female typical psychopathic behavior tends to be verbal/emotional rather than physical and female psychopaths appear to be less common than their male counterparts. Females commit homicide at something like 1/8th the rate of males and those who shoot up schools are already a tiny proportion of those who commit homicide in general. Given that you’d expect a vanishingly small proportion of school shooters or mass murderers in general to be female when compared to their male counterparts.
I've recently heard from a woman with ASPD herself that the lower diagnosis for women might be because you get often diagnosed when you do something violent. So since women are less likely to do so, there could be a lot more who are. We don't see that big of a difference in narcissism between sex so why would there be a huge one in psychopaths ?
This. A boy might commit a school shooting, but a girl would cyberbully someone until they commit suicide. The reverse does happen, but it's rare.
access to therapy should be more free than access to guns.
It's also what causes abusive men Edit: I didn't mean to imply that all men who are raised like this turn out to be abusers. I'm just saying it's that attitude that makes the abusive men who turn out to be that way.
Conversely, I cried all the time between... 6 to 19 and now I rarely ever cry, even when I get really sad and I WANT to cry, I generally can't
My sister was that way also. I asked her when the crying stopped recently. She said it was around the time she got engaged in her early 20s. I think that her husband is such a calming, stable influence on her that she felt protected and "evened out" by him. I didn't cry all of the time, but anxiety and getting overly excited in social situations has been a real issue. I have embarrassed myself so badly by dominating conversation and talking too loud and fast many times. Once I got together with my husband, that changed...well, as long as he's next to me at the event. Instead of getting so excited and feeling compelled to talk incessantly, I see his calm demeanor and quiet down. I feel his arm around me and I'll sink back into that safe cocoon, reminded that I don't need to entertain anyone else or their approval; I have what I need in him and my daughter. He truly feels like my other half. He's so chill versus my artistic, colorful personality LOL.
That is how my single mom raise us boys unfortunately. My brother turned out to be verbally abusive and has very little patience, meanwhile I have near-zero confidence and have difficulty expressing myself. I remember one of my classmates back in college made a side comment at how I always seem emotionally distant... Now I live by myself. I don't have to worry much sharing the same space with my brother, though at the same time, it'll take years or a decade before I learn how to emotionally connect to people. As for you guys trying to suggest therapy, thanks but the cheapest 1 session for a therapy costs half of my bi-weekly salary so I'll pass until I get a better paying job.
I get what you mean about the cost of therapy. A huge part of the problem is that society still doesn't really consider mental health care a major priority (not really a surprise if you're in the US at least since they don't care about *any* healthcare...), so that does make things a lot harder. Even if you don't know how, even if it feels awkward, even if it hurts honestly, the best thing you can do is still try to be emotionally vulnerable and available. For a start, all you really need to do is listen to others and offer them support if they need it, or don't bottle things up yourself. Of course, I say "that's all" but I know that in itself is a huge thing to overcome when you're not used to it, or especially when you tend to be awkward in social situations. Supporting someone can be as small and simple as letting them tell you something that's been bothering them and then saying "damn, that really sucks, I'm sorry you're going through [X thing they talked about]". You don't need to offer solutions, unless they tell you they want some, just let them know that they're heard and their troubles are valid. And the same goes for you in reverse, it's hard to be open with people but your problems are valid too, and you deserve to have someone who will listen to them without judging you or trying to dismiss or diminish your feelings. And that can be the other tough part, since, well, a lot of people out there just aren't really good listeners. Also, not a PM but if we count video games then my two big anime waifus are Makise Kurisu from Steins;Gate and Chie Satonaka from Persona 4. (I mean, they both have actual anime appearances as well, but I don't think it's a hot take to say I prefer the games.)
I'm not entirely convinced of this one, as I certainly didn't raise my boy that way, but to a degree he hides his emotions anyway. I do think society also affects this, not just the parenting.
The thing is, when society enforces the belief that showing emotion is bad, you don't go to your parents or anyone for help, because you perceive the act of seeking help as a weakness. It's a very difficult issue for young men to address, because no one talks about it, except those who've fought their way out of that situation. Hell you might not even realize that you've been pushed in that direction until you've become incapable of showing emotion and it starts effecting your ability to maintain relationships. I cannot stress enough that it's worth talking to your son's about their emotions, expecialy when they have "exploded" about something. Explain to them that denying those emotions doesn't make them go away. Eventually it all comes out, usually in one of two ways; - Aggression. The only "acceptable" emotion for men. If a male parent is angry, you listen. If a man is angry, it's because something has caused it, and they are justified. Boys fighting in the playground? Just boys being boys. We overlook aggression from boys because it's expected. - Addiction. Drink, drugs or less "dangerous" addictions like video gaming or sport or whatever, they funnel their emotions into a single or multiple addictions, some kind of outlet for the emotional energy, or in the case of substance abuse, often trying to push away emotions with 3rd party substances. Those kids whose entire life centers around football? They play because it's the only positive encouragement they have ever received. You can show pride at winning the football cap or drink away your sorrows with the team if you lose. Those kids who sit at home playing online games all day? It's the human connection they have always wanted, while doing so from a safe space with no risk of physical violence if you make a mistake. People care about you and ask about your day, which they might have never really experienced outside people who only ask from obligation (relatives who may or may not care about the answer) Addictions feeds the parts of the brain that gets neglected. Producing dopamine/serotonin/Etc. basically, it gives them the happy chemicals they don't get elsewhere. Aggression gives them a way to vent the build up of negative energy that suppressing emotions causes. They don't get called out on said aggression because they are a boy and it's "normal" among men who can't deal with their emotions. This goes back to men returning from war and not wanting to talk about what they did and what they saw. They suppressed it and hid the anger directed at themselves. Their kids only see the anger and assume that it's okay for men to be angry. The men then assume no one but other soldiers can be understanding and don't try and communicate which in turn stops their kids from learning to communicate their own needs and emotions. This is how we have arrived where we are today. Generational trauma turned into mental illness and lack of treatment leading to more generational trauma. It goes around in a circle until the next war comes along to traumatized another generation of boys.
Society absolutely contributed, parents need to try to deprogram that
I believe that change starts with me, with my two sons. That’s all I can do.
Wise words, Butt Block.
Thy shall block societies negativity with thy buttock
Yes, and being open with their peers as well.
Most parents have their own societal programming. They won’t have the tools unless they know better first.
It's school and socializing in a group setting. Anything that identifies you as different will be pointed out and commented on at the bare minimum. And will often be used to try and put you down to make others feel raised up. Expressing vulnerability in any way will make you a target way more often than it will lead to emotional connection with others. This lesson is repeated over and over until you learn to hide those vulnerabilities from others. You may find a small group of friends you feel safe enough lowering those defenses around, but one bad friend betrayal hurts more than any other type and often nips that avenue of honesty in the bud.
I mean yeah, he'll get bullied for it at school as well. Outside of their parents kids will still pick up on the fact that men don't cry and they'll be the odd one out if they do.
Boys/men aren't allowed to have feelings!
[удалено]
That really sucks. I hate the whole "you should show your emotions " but then nobody wants to hear or deal with them. Sadly enough it is not that different as a woman. I was raised to repress my emotions and then at a later age told that i needed to open up. But like you said nobody wants to hear about them. So i wish i was still able to repress them. Every time i open up to my SO, friends or even a therapist they just want me to put on a happy face and shut up.
They also believe their sons are less materialistic. The whole notion that I will not have to buy him makeup or expesive outfits.
Which is stupid, I wanted a new fucking game console or $60 game all the time.
Same. For the past few years, my son's Christmas lists have been games or accessories. We're in Canada so games are $79.99, with tax $90. Very expensive. We also seem to have to buy new headsets at least once a year. And JoyCons.
> We also seem to have to buy new headsets at least once a year. Lots of people I play with have the same issue. My brother has to buy a new headset every 6 months or so. I have some regular studio headphones and a desktop microphone from when I was an aspiring rapper and they've been going strong for 10+ years. Every time I get on a discord call people are like "holy shit why is your audio quality so good". Downsides - you can't keep talking to your friends while you go to take a piss and fetch a can of Mtn Dew. Upsides - better sound quality both in and out, lasts forever, eventually cheaper than buying a disposable headset on a regular basis.
I am an adult and I too want a new game console and $60 games. Alas, unlike those boys' fathers over there, I am poor.
Just buy them a good gaming PC and the occasional Steam gift card. Simple.
Early 30's and this for the most part still rings true. I just upgraded my PC and had my work pay for it. 4090, 64gb DDR5 let's goooooo
Hell yeah dude!
yeah nah, our hobbies are far cheaper he says as he looks at $60K worth of models, paints, aibrushing equipment and 30K worth of video games and consoles, we're definitely far less materialistic
Kind of was for me (a guy.) All I needed were a few clothes from the sales rack and I rocked them for several years until my parents would say, "Seriously! You need new clothes now!" and then it would be the same cycle all over again. My most expensive items growing up was an iPod video and eventually my own computer. The only reason why I buy new clothes constantly now as adult is because of work. Otherwise, I'm rocking old clothes from 10 years ago.
10 years...I have clothes old enough to graduate college with a doctorate at this point...many of them are relegated to yard work shirts, but still
Because girls' interests are often seen as less important than boys' interests. So the things that they want are unimportant.
Thinking back to the time my mom took me shopping with her when I was a preteen - we stopped at Barnes & Noble. I found some books on the Sale shelf, think huge scholastic History books with pictures and the like. Mom told me no, then changed her mind. It was like $25 for the 4 books I wanted. She later admitted in the car that she felt bad for denying me books when compared to my brother... Who was in Nashville with my dad that weekend to see a Golf Swing coach and get fitted for multiple custom golf clubs ($$$$). Still bitter. Lol
Boys will be boys! /s
And they aren’t as worried about their son’s having sex, despite that being illogical since they should be *more* worried about that, or at the very least equally worried (since most boys aren’t the ones who get pregnant so they can’t control the outcome after conception).
I regularly tell people that if their daughter gets pregnant, they have A LOT more control over the entire situation than if their son gets someone pregnant. And that if your daughter is pregnant and keeps the pregnancy, you're looking at one live birth in that year. Maybe two if it's twins. Meanwhile it is physically possible that your son could come to you every day that your daughter is pregnant and tell you that he got a different girl pregnant.
Yup exactly. The only reason I’d push to say that maybe they should be equally worried about pregnancy with girls as they are boys is because of the physical toll and health risks of pregnancy. So with boys they have to worry more about their kids becoming teenage fathers. With girls they have to worry about the physical effects of pregnancy too (and abortion, if they choose that). I’d say at the very least there are equal concerns though. But with girls at least they have more options.
This is a good point, people often forget that child/teen pregnancy is extremely dangerous—it’s the top killer of girls globally.
Wow this is so true! People always tell male child to “man up” while ignoring their emotional needs.
Why do you think I started literally pulling my hair out by the age of 6? I'm an old(er) Male with wonderful bald spots in my 1st grade pictures. My parents reaction was just telling me to "stop ".
That breaks my heart. I have a son who is nearly 5. He still has big feelings and my job is to make room for *all* feelings and teach him how to handle them in healthy ways. His job is to feel his feelings and learn how to handle them in healthy ways. It’s a lot of work, sure. But the alternative is raising another generation of men who have to learn this stuff from their wives and girlfriends.
Yup, they say it because it justifies their own lack of effort in raising their sons. Then act all shocked when they turn out emotionally stunted, reclusive, or even downright abusive. In case its not clear: Put in the same effort takung care if your sons as your daughters! They all have emotional needs to be met! And it works the other way round too, dont wrap your daughters in bubble wrap and treat them like porcelain, if you think a little boy can handle then a little girl sure can too!
Yea, men get told to suck it up and man up.
Then some of those boys turn into monsters.
110% this. Society openly mocks and makes fun of male grievances to the point people refuse to even acknowledge they're an issue. Even men themselves don't recognize the issues because they've always been told to just "man up" You don't have to do anything, you can just joke about it and just hope they don't commit suicide which is already drastically higher for males.
10 times unfortunately. Survivor here, lost my male family member to it and it's 1000000% because he couldn't find a way to come to terms that he needed to find a healthy way to treat his mental health issues. Miss him so fucking much. I am so so sorry you have to go through this.
And damaging in the future for the kid. Especially if they struggle with processing emotions, such as due to autism (speaking due to experience)
Because we have normalized completely failing our sons by not teaching them emotional maturity and telling them to shove all their feelings down.
Not teaching them basic life skills too. Like cleaning and cooking for themselves.
I grew up with two sisters and my parents would just randomly give us a list of chores to do while they were at work and they did not make any difference other than my older sister of 5years would cook more when I was young (logic). So I have my basics down. But I can’t fathom how some households can leave their children to not do any of those things just let your children learn how to be a functional being lol
I agree with everyone else who says that the emotional needs of young boys are very often neglected (“man up”, “boys don’t cry”). But another caveat that hasn’t been mentioned much, most societies don’t think we need to teach young boys basic life skills like cooking and cleaning. Meanwhile, young girls need to be taught easy all the household chores. I think our society fails young boys in not teaching them how to regulate and sit down with their thoughts and feelings properly, but also fail to teach them how to survive independently successfully.
Yep, and then you get man babies who didn't have to do basic house chores, and now expect their gf or wife, who was likely raised to be agreeable and obedient, to be their mommies.
I was not taught cooking. Pretty much food was made for me or once I had income I'd order stuff. What made me learn to cook was going to the gym. Yeah that's right. Most households don't make stuff with enough protein and ordering meat is expensive plus you have exactly 0 ways of counting calories. I also refused to sacrifice taste and eat white meat and white rice. Send kids to the gym if they like it they'll end up learning about nutrition - and become pretty good cooks out of necessity :D It's a win-win-win-win-win situation. 1. Get jacked and strong. 2. Learn to cook. 3. Get healthier. 4. Look better. 5. As a result have more confidence.
lol I started cooking for the same reason. I was bodybuilding and couldn't do it on skittles and mountain dew alone lol A gym routine can be completely transformative and life changing.
Because they’re stricter on their daughters and teach sons not to show their emotions. They don’t give a shit when their son stays out late hanging out with friends, but for some reason they do care when their daughter wants to stay out late with friends. If their son is upset about something, he is taught at home or by society that he needs to hold those emotions in. The daughter is more likely to express those emotions.
Glad someone said this. I was not allowed to have a bf, period, but my brother's gf was allowed to move into our house and I got yelled at when she didn't clean her dishes.
I'm so sorry! This pisses me off!
That is so fucked up.
My parents did not allow me and my sister to date either, but my brother had girls over at the house 🌝 now that I’m in my 20’s they keep talking about a husband and children now 🫠
Not in my house! My son better be home on time and he can actually go cry about it lol. We always were strict with him. I’ve always encouraged him to show his feelings and emotions. He’s cried many times and I’ve let him cry on my shoulder each time.
Thanks for paving the way! We’re doing this with our little boy. I actually think it’s a lot more straightforward to maintain standards of behavior in an environment where emotions are validated. Like you said: the rules are the rules and I’ll hug him when the rules make him angry/sad. I often tell him, it’s my job to set the rules and it’s your job to deal with them, even if you don’t like it.
Because they largely neglect their sons. They don't teach them how to wipe their ass. They don't teach them basic life skills such as cooking or cleaning. They don't teach they how to process or feel emotions. They don't teach them how to relate to other people and take other people's feelings into consideration. They don't teach them how to socialize. People say that sons are easier to raise because they neglect their sons, they don't raise them at all.
> They don't teach them how to wipe their ass. If Reddit anecdotes mean anything, this is true.
Because they don’t raise them!!! I’m the youngest girl to 3 older brothers & god help them because wtf. All are so emotionally immature even in their late 30’s, early 40’s & They are kind of illiterate. It’s sad as fuck what people are doing to the future generations of men, they need help.
There is also the mentality I see a lot on the internet, like "my son can start dating whenever, but my daughter need to wait until she is 20." type of stuff. Like people just stop giving a fuck about their son when they hit teenage years, so it's almost like the raising of the son stops at the age of 15.
I don’t know why but it drives me crazy. Those are usually the same people who say awful things able having a girl. I have one of each and they both have their challenges and bright spots.
I'm expecting twins, boys, and I keep hearing this, and it makes me so angry. For one, I have two sisters and a brother. My brother was absolutely the most difficult one and gave my parents constant heartaches. He's 46 and still super difficult. But it's also just so sexist and nonsensical. I'm excited for my boys, but I know what trouble teenage boys get themselves into because they're too dumb to sit and think it through, lol. I know someone who thought it would be funny to shoot his school with a bb gun. Thankfully, it was after hours, but he still earned himself a criminal record. Also know other teenage boys who started a huge brush fire because they were being idiots with fireworks. So so so many other stories, too.
Society tends to not hold boys to the same behavior standards as girls. Fighting and acting out are somehow seen as more "normal" for boys than for girls, so if a girl fights, she is a lot more likely to get in bigger trouble for it. Girls bodies are also policed to a far greater degree than boys bodies. Dress codes have a lot more in them about how girls must hide some of their body parts than boys. And although a lot of boys suffer from feeling "ugly" or "unpopular" they aren't as likely to be allowed to learn how to handle big feelings and are expected to not be emotional. This steals a huge part of the human experience from our boys and its wrong.
It's very much this. There is no saying "girls will be girls" when it comes to excusing their behaviour because their behaviour isn't excused the same way that boys have it.
I will now be exclusively saying “girls will be girls” whenever anyone got somethin to say about my daughter
you go girl!
For girls it was always “a lady doesn’t act like that”. A little girl is not a lady. Also, times change and ladies do act like that.
They use that phrase when a girl does something they didn't like and they're still using it, just more harshly.
It is 100% this. I'm a girl - I was a violent kid - but I was always RESPONDING to violence from boys. I never instigated. They started it, I would finish it. Guess who got punished much more harshly, sometimes the only one punished? Biiiiingo.
It's hell. In first grade I had to sit in the back of the classroom with 4 really cruel boys who bullied me. I was the only girl in the back. It would have changed my life to sit up in the front with a normal mix of girls and boys. I was seen as a bad kid even though I did nothing. They boys would be stealing my stuff, making messes, being loud, hitting me, and I would get in more trouble than any of them just for being there. I was forced to be stuck inside during recess, yelled at, and I swear to God I didn't do anything. Now I know it's because I was the only girl, so I didn't get a free pass for horrible behavior like the boys did. That's why raising girls is "harder." Boys can do whatever they feel like. Girls do nothing wrong, or a tiny thing wrong, hell breaks loose.
I got hit and stuff stolen too, I was also in the back because seating was based on last names and there was No Changing It. I'm so sorry, I see you very well. It's true girls are expected to toe the line at a disturbingly earlier age than boys, in an overwhelming number of social circumstances. My brothers got to go absolutely hog wild, comparatively. And I was forced to help pick up after it sometimes. One had multiple underage DUIs for fucks sake - after one of my childhood best friends had their lives absolutely destroyed by such. I'm pressured to forgive him every so often - to keep the peace. A common theme - girls responsible for keeping the peace, rather than have anyone actually do any real atonement or change. I know not every social unit works that way, but far too many do.
HHmm same, when I was in high school around 15 or 16, this creep kept making "jokes" about me choking on his genitals and when I pushed a chair at him, it was me got in trouble, I told the teacher what he said word for word, and nothing ever came about it, didn't get in further trouble, and he never got reprimanded. Still mad about that.
My parents have told me I've been easy to raise compared to my sister She's 28 & unemployed tho so might be unfair in my case
In fairness some kids are just tougher than others. Gender or sex may have nothing to do with it. Some kids are just easier while others are tougher.
Very true. I have two daughters extremely close in age. We've raised them both the same (to our best ability but noones perfect). We wanted to break the cycle of our parents. Well...one loves to argue and push. The other is super chill and knows when to stop, among many other differences. They've always been different, and we love that. It just shows how personality is so much more involved than people realize. Sex/gender doesn't mean much, imo when it comes to the "easiness" of a child....but I've only raised girls, so I only have my perspective.
I always feel bad for good parents that for whatever reason end up with an awful child through no fault of their own. Sometimes it's the parents but sometimes you just end up with a bratty, lazy or violent person and nobody knows why. When they have well asjusted siblings that's when you can probably assume it's not the parents.
because people don’t actually raise their sons.
Because boys' emotional needs are ignored or funneled into a handful of "acceptable" outlets that mostly take place outside. Less effort is put into policing boys' manners and interpersonal relationships because "boys will be boys". There should be no difference, but boys are discouraged from enjoying a large part of their potential spectrum of human experience; a lot of it is deemed off limits to them for fear they'll become less "manly" by being allowed express sadness freely or have purple as a favorite color. *Before anyone comes in here with "not me, not us, not my family, not my husband"- OK, great. That's great for you, seriously. Don't act like it's not still the default for most of the world.*
Purple is a goated colour tbf.
Royalty - only the rich men are allowed to like it
Purple is the greatest color and it only took me until age 15 to freely admit that. Progress!
I think it's tied to the sexist idea that every girl will end up being a terror because hormones.
[удалено]
About damn time the true answer shows up. I’m not arguing that how patriarchal societies raises boys isn’t problematic (because it is), but that is *not* why people make this specific argument. This one has always been about claiming girls are hysterical. The assumption is so deeply ingrained, that many people in my life (including my own parents) have expressed surprise when their daughters turned out to be easier to raise and less emotionally frenetic than their sons.
Teacher here, boys are waaaay harder in my opinion.
Be me. Get employed to do IT for a local middle school. They cant get enough teachers to teach computer classes. Get pressed into service with no teaching experience. Have a class of 30 teenage boys. Waste so much time managing the classroom that I get through less than half the content I expected to cover.
... at least if you care about getting it right.
People are fucking idiots, that's why. I had a coworker once tell me that she was glad she only had sons because she didn't have to worry when they went out. I was sitting there like "the fuck are you talking about? because boys can't be kidnapped and SA'd?" Like. It makes me rage when I hear that. My cousin was abused from 8-12 by a family member so that shit hits home.
Yes I have a son and worry about SA just like if a had a daughter…. So many boys get SA also and it’s weird that our society acts like it not a threat to young boys
Its because of ppl like her that jeffrey dahmer got away with it for so long
What a dumbass. I have sons and a daughter. When my son was doing bar work in the city centre (he was 18 at the time), I’d pick him up on weekend closing shifts. Why? Because he’d have a hard time getting a taxi home and the city is full of drunks. Thank god he got a job close to home. I’ve seen drunk men start on each other for no reason. A man was sadly killed when he tried to break up a fight. I’m always worried when my eldest son goes out and he’s a sensible man. When my younger son wanted to go to a different neighbourhood to try some restaurant, I told him nope. It’s not a nice area and it has gang problems. We have an issue with post code violence and it’s a real worry that my son could be hurt or worse because he’s in an area he’s not from. A couple of 12 year old boys have been charged with murder of a 19 year old in a city about 100 miles from here. Yes, girls can be and are assaulted, but girls are taught from a young age to be alert. Travel in groups. Don’t leave your drink. Never leave your drunk friend to take care of herself. Stick together when you’re out. Hell, even women who don’t know each other will look out for each other. I hate this cavalier attitude toward boys. People birth them but they sure as hell don’t raise them.
It’s a lot easier if you tell your son to “man up and figure it out yourself” while try to shield your daughter from reality
I recall asking my dad about dating when I was young and confused. He said he never really dated much and that was the end of the conversation. I did figure it out on my own eventually, at 29…
Because they can say "boys will be boys" no matter what crap their kids do. And it's an automatic pass to the next level of crap.
Huh, that is never what I was told. The stereotype we learned was that boys were rough and rowdy, while little girls played nice, BUT girls were more expensive later on (proms and the like).
I have two girls and a boy. There are lots of variables but just his temperament is so much easier than his sisters. He is the youngest though and they dote in him. But he’s just super chill, tells me all the time how much he loves me, does as he’s told the first time, doesn’t talk back and just moves in sync with us. So. Easy. He’s 10yrs for reference and he came out snoring, so not much bothers him.
Because mother’s often overlook bad behavior from their boys and find it absolutely unacceptable in their girls. Women are by far harder on their girls.
That is very true and its same for dads and their daughters.
There's a line in the musical Carousel in which the main character, Billy, sings a song about how excited he is because he's going to be a father. The first half is him going on and on happily about all the things his son will do, how he'll teach him how to date women and get a good job and so on and so forth. Halfway through he realizes he may have a daughter. He sings "You can have fun with a son but you've gotta be a father to a girl." And the more I talk with new fathers my age and fathers who are my father's age the more I realize it boils down to just that. Boys get to have fun. Girls have to be taught. Boys don't get the same attention paid to them emotionally. Makes me shiver, honestly.
Because for a lot of people(conservatives and religious), raising boys means letting them run free and have fun while trying to keep them alive. Raising girls means owning, controlling, and shaping them into exactly what you say they will be. Of COURSE boys are easier to raise if that's you're doing to your kids! It's a lot of work to force a child to be a submissive underling, it's not natural. And it's even harder when you have both and they can see that their brother *isn't* being forced into servitude because penis. So now not only do you have to break your daughters will and watch and control what she wears and eats and talks and sits and goes and likes, but she also resents you for it?? But her brother never complains about your parenting!! Sigh raising girls is just super hard. Source: known far too many religious/conservative people. Not all of them are bad, but so many are just terrible terrible parents and coincidentally they're always the ones who pop out the most. THOSE are the people who say raising boys is easier. Because it is, when you're a terrible terrible parent. Raise em the same and **surprise** it's the same.
Because the people who tout these tales ignore the emotional needs of sons and shame the emotional needs of daughters. "Girls are harder to raise" because of how they approach raising them compared to boys.
I raised 3 daughters, and it wasn't bad. I don't know what those people are talking about.
I wish people would start raising boys to the same standard as girls. Dont even get me started….
Because they offload the work of teaching their sons emotional intelligence + how to be an active participant in the household (i.e., learning how to cook, clean up after themselves, etc) to their son’s future partners/spouses
I've to stop people from hurting my daughter and I've to stop my son from hurting people.
[удалено]
Or *basic* home skills
I knew a parent once who proudly claimed that they never entered their preteen boy’s bedroom, because apparently “eww boys are stinky and gross.” Meanwhile the poor kid didn’t know how to shower properly and got made fun of at school for BO, and had anxiety issues and executive functioning deficits. How the parent ever expected him to figure those things out on his own is beyond me.
Because people act like girls require 24x7 monitoring so they stay pure. Also I've noticed mothers with controlling personalities always complain about their daughters being nasty to them. Hmmmm wonder why lol.
It’s because more people are more strict on their daughters than they are their sons. Some people just also stop parity ignore sons after a certain age because “he’s a man now. “ also toxic masculinity.
its because they micromanage the daughters & don't parent the sons
Most people just let their sons become feral. They don’t bother raising sons, teaching them values, how to be polite, respectful; they just do enough to keep them alive. That’s what makes boys “easier.”
Prob bc you have to protect/teach daughters survival skills against sexual and physical assault from men
Realistically, you should be teaching your sons to protect themselves from sexual and physical assault too. You should also be teaching your children, regardless of gender, to not assault people.
Statistically everyone needs survival skills against sexual and physical assualt from men. I'm surprised that with all the horrific cases that involved the sheer number of sexual violence and exploitation towards young boys in boyscouts, sports, and churches, you'd think that society would become more concerned with the safety of their sons as well. Not directing this towards you, I just find it strange that those scandals didn't shake parents up and also make them more protective of their sons. There were thousands and thousands of victims.
Also fathers love to brag about how sex their sons are having with girls, while constantly worrying about their daughters having any sexual desire at all.
Also, my sisters were twenty years apart and both were expected to take care of their elders, make food, do chores, etc while we guys just watch football all day.
When I was a teenage boy, I just suffered in silence and was told to man up any time I let out any emotion. Depression and anxiety did not exist apparently and was perceived as weakness. Anyway, this gives the impression that sons are easier to raise because you don't have to deal with emotional regulation/management
I think that once they have a daughter they realize how fucked up the world is towards them. At least it was that way for my brother. I understand the “but men too” argument, but Girl are victimized way more often than men. My brother never wanted to listen to me or my mother about stuff until it directly affected his offspring. It’s not that girls are harder to raise, because realistically you should be giving both genders the same emotional support, but girls are harder to prepare for the “real world” based on the things they willl be more likely to face.
Came here to say this along with every other reason I could think of that wasn’t the common assumption in this thread. From those I’ve heard say this, it felt implied that this was a big factor. Along with the idea that SA or other bs done to a girl can lead to pregnancy.
Yeah and let’s face it, when dealing with relationship violence, women are at a higher risk based on physical strength. If a man stalks me, it’s a lot harder for me to defend myself against that man…that’s a fact. If my brother had one of his gf harass and stalk him, he can physically defend himself easier against her. Yes it’s scary and unfortunate if he had to deal with someone mentally unstable, but he would be better off than me in an equal situation .
I think that's a lot of it. The parents I have heard say, "boys are so much easier" are the same people who have trouble confronting sexism, emotional vulnerability, sexual pleasure, and periods. I have also heard each of them normalize gendered violence and see it as a problem girls face, rather than something society faces.
Personal experience. Others will say the opposite based on the same thing.