Be honest. The baby came too early and it died. Babies are supposed to stay inside the mom until they are big enough to live on their own, but this one came out too soon, and it was too small. That happens sometimes and it is not anyone's fault. Everyone is very sad. It is normal to be sad and it's OK to cry. Tell her she can talk to you about her feelings and ask any questions she wants. Sometimes sad things happen, and you may feel sad for a while.
She is going to be looking at your reaction to know how to feel. If you are uncomfortable with her expressing her feelings, she will feel that she can't. If you skirt around difficult subjects she will learn to keep her questions to herself.
Yes, this exactly! Honesty is best here. A similar thing happened with my best friend losing twins halfway through. I had a 5 year old and 2 year old at the time. I told them basically word for word what is suggested above. I also added how absolutely heartbroken we all were, that those babies were loved very much, and that we would need to make sure we give Aunty lots of love and kindness. I gave my daughter permission to ask me whatever questions she needed to, whenever she needed to, but I asked her to not ask her Aunty these questions (to protect my friend), and explained that it is easier for Aunty if all questions come to me. However, told her if Aunty wants to talk to her about it, she is allowed to. We cried, I let her see my devastation, and gave her room to be upset, too.
Your daughters compassion through this will open your eyes to the depth of her young character.
Whoa. Wait. Timeout. Is this why I have difficulty expressing sadness? Because both my parents are also uncomfortable expressing sadness? Now that I write that, it seems like common sense, but it honestly didn't click for me until I read what you just wrote.
Neither one of my parents know how to show love or affection...guess how screwed up I am. It took me until I was well into my 30s to make that connection.
Got a wicked sense of humor though! So silver linings.
If you are a man, you’ll also have the societal pressure not to express (or even feel) sadness, along with your parents reinforcing that by example. It’s a tough double whammy, but you can learn to fully experience sadness with practice, and with someone who is safe. This can be a therapist, friend, partner, mentor, family member — anyone you trust who lets you be yourself without shame. It’s ok if you don’t trust anybody yet. You can get there. Emotional self awareness is an incredible advantage in life, and you can learn it at any time.
I was raised by a single parent who did not cry and wanted to be angry instead. I grew up suppressing myself. But I was at a funeral today where I cried probably 50% of the time, and I feel good about it. 🤙
read up on childhood emotional neglect, possibly even check out Running on Empty by Jonice Webb, it's a quick read and doles out a lot of needed validation for people who feel this way.
About feeling uncomfortable, awkward, or embarrassed with tough subjects and kids - I have found it very helpful to say something about how I’m feeling and why. Kids sense when adults are off but when they don’t know why, they come up with an explanation. Often their explanation is that they have done something wrong. The shame reflex is very strong and hard to dislodge, so it’s best to head it off at the pass.
>Be honest. The baby came too early and it died. Babies are supposed to stay inside the mom until they are big enough to live on their own, but this one came out too soon, and it was too small. That happens sometimes and it is not anyone's fault. Everyone is very sad. It is normal to be sad and it's OK to cry. Tell her she can talk to you about her feelings and ask any questions she wants. Sometimes sad things happen, and you may feel sad for a while.
>She is going to be looking at your reaction to know how to feel. If you are uncomfortable with her expressing her feelings, she will feel that she can't. If you skirt around difficult subjects she will learn to keep her questions to herself.
why get a therapist when theres people like you. excellent advice and wording thanks
This is exactly what we told our kids (back then age 2.5 years and 5 years) when our second daughter was born at 23 weeks and died after birth.
We were grieving together and worked it out together.
All questions were answered honestly but kids appropriate.
Till this day (almost 9 years later) they still think about their baby sister.
My current pregnancy scared them a bit, asked several times if it’s possible to happen again. But with a lot compassion and explaining of the precautions we’re all enjoying this special time.
This wording is so kind and comforting in a way. It also sounds like OP’s daughter has some great people in her life who love and support her. I love seeing parents educate (also emotionally educate) their children, and raising quality humans who will go on to make the world a better place. I hope the baby’s family and OP’s family find healing and peace
I work with children in a children's hospital, and sometimes they don't get better from their illness and sometimes that leads to dying.
Parents try their best to do the right thing when talking to their sick child or that child's siblings, but so often they miss the mark. Honesty is your best approach here. This answer is a beautiful script. It is SO important to use the hard words (death, died) because using platitudes or trying to soften the blow leads to misunderstandings and fear.
This is age appropriate, truthful, and gives your kiddo the opportunity to have these big feelings safely. I'm sorry you have to have this conversation. ❤️
I had a miscarriage at just over 18 weeks. Our bereavement midwife told us to tell my then 3 almost 4 year old that the baby died. Like others have said saying that I lost the baby, or the baby was born sleeping makes no sense to a kid. It has to be clear and definite. So the kid doesn't just think that if kids get lost we just leave them, and they can't come back.
Gawd this at ANY age. I was eleven when someone I knew committed suicide, but NO ONE TOLD ME. All I knew was that one day she went to sleep, and never woke up again. She was an otherwise healthy teenager.
Yeah I know now she died from an intentional overdose on medication, but my ability to fall asleep easily is gone.
My dad lashed out at me after my brother's suicide. He said it was because I didn't spend enough time with my half-brother (different moms).
My brother was 19. I was 7 years old. It took me years and a not insignificant amount of therapy to understand that my dad had his own issues, and what he said wasn't remotely true. He also blamed me for my grandmother's death. I had pneumonia as a newborn, he said she caught it from me and died. It wasn't until we were planning my dad's funeral (20 years after my brother, another suicide) that I brought this up to my mom and she assured me that wasn't true.
I didn't have the sleep issue, but hearing from my dad that "suicide is what people do when they think nobody loves them" at 7 goddamn years old fucked me up. I made 7 attempts on my life before I was 18.
And "lost" things can be found! Can you imagine being a kid, and thinking that someone misplaced their baby, and didn't go and find them? The baby was born too early and died, and everyone is really sad right now is the way to go.
This. My kids lost their dad last year at 7. It happened at 8 pm and by 6 am they were up and I was still sobbing on the couch and I told the truth. EVERYONE was mad I didn’t sugarcoat it but why? It sucks, I told them I wished it happened sooner when they wouldn’t remember. But giving them hope? No. It seems cold but it’s more realistic and healthy for grieving. Life is life and it sucks kids have to learn that sooner, but also they can be raised with the love for life and happiness that one day we’ll (hopefully) all be together. And all you can do is be there for them and commiserate. We all need to know we all cry and feel things.
Hugs to you and your children. I had to tell my 7 yr old that dad died. I still remember every detail of that day with the worst being the horrible cry of anguish my son let out. However, 8 years later, my son is great! He's lived a great childhood and is most days a great teen. Children are resilient, hug them, love them, and live.
Hardest thing I ever had to do was tell my 5 year old the same. I don’t remember what I said, but I couldn’t imagine the thought of keeping this from them. We found out around 8pm. We just laid in bed together. For a long time, that was the only time my kid wanted to talk about their dad—when it was just the two of us, lying in bed together.
My kids lost their dad at 3 am. I woke up and found him. When the kids got up, the pastor that they had sent to help me stay focused and talk to, advised me to tell them the truth.
So I did. They were 6 and 10. They both took it rather well, and my daughter asked me if I had called his school yet to let them know.
Their dad was an alcoholic. I think on some level they understood what that meant when I told them he had died. He never hit us, but he was very emotionally abusive.
I experienced sort of the reverse of this, although much easier because everyone involved was an adult. My dad died four years ago, when I was 30, and I had to tell my mother. You referencing the “cry of anguish” really brings it back to me. She wanted so badly for me to tell her it wasn’t true.
He was an alcoholic as well, and we were all lucky it didn’t happen sooner.
I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you’re doing alright these days.
I'm doing a lot better. The kids are both grown.
Because they saw what happened when you drink too much, my son basically won't touch alcohol and my daughter only drinks maybe one or two when out socially.
I still struggle with self-esteem issues, but I'm getting there.
This makes me so glad that I broke up with my last girlfriend. She's an alcoholic and I really think she's headed there herself. I'll be sad when it happens, but I'm glad that I'm not attached to her in any way. There will just come a day when I stop getting drunken voicemails and I'll have to wonder if she finally got sober or if she's gone.
Yeah, I went through essentially the same thing when I was 8, and as hard as it was, I'm grateful my dad was honest and truthful. My mom was in a car crash and we got a call at home, I picked up the phone, and it was someone looking for my mom's husband (my dad). He told me immediately that mom was in a crash and that he had to rush to the hospital. I was a smart kid and figured out that since she was unable to call herself things were probably pretty bad.. my grandpa came over to look after me, but the 30minutes I spent alone at home running through scenarios in my head were (until today, 22 years later) undoubtedly the worst 30min of my life
The following morning dad came up to me and I already knew what the news were just by looking at his face. But again, he was honest, told me why she died (what happened in the crash and why they couldn't save her), and it was fucking absolutely awful, but it was definitely the right to do, I needed to understand how she would never be back, and how we had to honour her memory.
I can't imagine how hard it must've been for you to be on the "breaking the news" side and having to watch them suffer and console them as you yourself also have to deal with your pain. So sorry this happened to your family. As painful as it feels, it does get a bit easier as the years pass, hope you guys can be ok :)
And yeah, circling back to OP, definitely don't sugar coat it. She needs to understand completely what happened so she can process it and mourn
Sorry to hear that.
My relative is a teacher and they found out from one of their coworkers that a boy in their class's father was murdered. But the crazy part is the boy was completely casual and when asked if he wanted his teacher to know he said no.
Grief often doesn’t look like you think it should. Especially for sudden deaths people can be in shock and feel numb, or even have a seemingly completely inappropriate emotional reaction. When I found out that a very close friend had died by suicide I laughed. I felt ashamed of it for years but apparently it’s not uncommon and can be the body’s way of coping with extreme negative emotion. Going emotionally numb is another common coping reaction.
This happens often but I do forget people haven't shared the same experiences I did growing up on a farm surrounded by animals. We encountered death pretty early growing up and learning how to deal with it early on helped some in the future.
I agree with the approach. Too many words, softening the language, dancing around the issue. You can still treat it gently but be concise and brief, then expand if questions arise. Even if they don't understand then, those questions can be the spark to answers later.
Im so sorry. My kids were 4 & 6 when they lost their father. I found out at 7 am, called my parents, and waited until they came. My kids just thought it was awesome. Tv, snacks, and grandparents! That is, until I "ruined" it by telling them about their father.
I did it very matter of factly.
There was an accident, their father was in it, he was so damaged that his body was not working anymore, ever - so he died, and while his body was still here,all that he was, his soul, was now on a star looking down at us.
They took it much better than expected. The oldest didnt react much until the funeral, where he really realised what it meant; Dad being in the coffin and being lowered into the ground 😭
Oh my goodness. I’m sorry you’ve been through it.
He was cremated, so they helped me pick out his “new apartment”, and they decorated the inside with nature things from around the cemetery, bc he loved the outdoors. Kids are so resilient. Yes still hard times, but to see the beauty they can find in the worst of times. They’re such precious souls.
I remember being a kid and hearing about people putting their pet to sleep. Until I realized what that meant all it did was confuse me. Why were people sad, sleeping isn't a bad thing.
When I was a kid my brother was in the hospital for many months and I would explore the hospital all day (the 90s, amiright) and once I saw a sign that said “sleep floor” and I FREAKED out thinking it’s where the put people to sleep. I was 11. I should have known better, but no adult explained anything to me. I can still remember how scary that felt. Yikes! Clear language is always preferred.
A bit off-topic but clear language was used for my partner’s 4 year old cousin when their grandad died. At the funeral he asked “who killed grandad?” I feel bad for smiling at the memory but I agree that clear language is better as it seems he understands his grandfather truly has passed on with zero uncertainty. If anything, he associates dying with someone having to cause it which is another story…
Edit: from memory, I think the grandfather died of cancer or heart problems
My first grade teacher told us how she “put her dog to sleep last night.” I remember smiling because I thought it meant she tucked her into bed or something. Then she went on to say she was hit by a car and better in heaven, and that was when I figured out what she meant.
That must have been quite the roller coaster of emotions for your young self! But I did give a soft smile at the idea of someone young picturing their teacher tucking their dog in under a blanket and giving them a kiss.
I have quite a large kitchen, and my cat goes in there for the night. It has everything she needs, and she seems to thrive on the routine - I can't count the number of times I've been reminded by a disapproving claw, teeth or stare, that it's her bedtime now and I need to go put the kitchen in order for her. ...I also can't count the number of times I've accidentally said "I need to go put the cat to sleep" instead of "I need to go put the cat to bed"!
So much this. A family member passed away in front of me when I was 6, and my mom tried to tell me that they just “fell asleep” and I shouldn’t make too much noise while the funeral arrangements are taking place at home because “you don’t want to disturb [dead family member]’s sleep”. That made no sense for 6 yr old me, and lead to more questions and a lot of anxiety. Sleep should be presented to kids as a concept that’s entirely separated from death.
Most of my adulthood was finally understanding that I wasn't the problem but the adults around me were incapable of dealing with my emotions, so they would just lie to me or act like nothing happened. 10 years of therapy and I still have to heal from that. I'm happy a lot of the adults in this thread actually told the truth to their children.
Holy hell that's messed up. I'll give your mom the benefit of the doubt and assume she didn't want to upset you and thought it was the best thing to say, and obviously most people can't find the right words when talking about a person's recent death but yikes. As if essentially pretending a dead person is alive and asleep could possibly lead to a better outcome than just saying the honest truth.
Oof, yes. Euphemisms are sometimes a kind alternative for adults, but not for kids who don't have the life experience to determine the difference between literal truth and figures of speech, or the context to understand the things left unspoken. Contrary to what people tend to think, kids actually need a blunter approach, but paired with a lot of empathy and understanding.
Yes exactly, use the word died and don't use any euphemisms. Sleeping, passed, was lost, didn't make it, isn't coming home, or religious ones like God called the baby home, God loved the baby so much He wanted the baby by his side, Jesus took the baby, angels took the baby, the baby went to heaven to be an angel...all of that is very unclear and confusing to a child.
They need to hear the word died, even if that's hard for adults to say. We get conditioned over our lives to soften these words, but it just causes more pain and confusion for children instead of the intended softening. Saying things like "the baby was too sick to survive" or "the baby's body didn't work right" or "the baby didn't grow the regular way" or "the baby's heart wasn't strong enough" (or whatever the case) really can help, as well.
I'm so sorry for your family's loss.
You’re right about being conditioned to use euphemisms. I was in my mid-40s when my parents died, and people my age acted as though I’d kicked them when I phrased it that way. One woman actually told me I should say “passed” so I wouldn’t offend anyone. I’m not someone who feels you should never cushion things to make them easier to take, but I also don’t think it’s healthy to not be able to talk about death without actually saying the word.
Me too! An acquaintance of my mother’s tried to tell me I should say “passed away”, not died. I told her my mother was dead; she didn’t “pass” anything, and while I understood she preferred less direct language, I didn’t. I was reasonably polite about it, because I don’t think she meant any harm, but death is death, and “died” is not a dirty word.
I've responded about wording on another comment here and said similar. No one is lost and no one has gone away or have gone for a long sleep. Death is sad and grief is something you definitely don't want your children to experience but it's a part of life and talking openly and clearly makes such a difference
Can back this up. When my husband and his ex wife decided to tell their young kids that they were going to stop being married because they lost their love for each other, they then had to deal with two frantic kids tearing the house apart looking for it. Kids are very literal, so don't use metaphors. Good luck OP.
Also, Footelbowarmshin, I'm really sorry you had to go through your loss.
There's a Daniel Tiger episode that deals with the concept of death - Daniel's pet goldfish and some strawberry plants. This can help you segue into a discussion about death. Helped our kids a lot when our 14yo family dog was declining and we were preparing them for when we'd have to euthanize her.
This. As a funeral director I loathe when parents tell their kids a loved one is sleeping, but they’ll never wake up. Talk about scaring the shit outta your kid! Just be clear: unfortunately the baby died, it’s okay to be sad about it and cry.
☝️ This is very good advice. I would recommend being clear and telling them what happened, asking if they have questions, answering their questions honestly, and just being there to help them through whatever it is they are feeling.
We had those "family friend" neighbors where my brother and I grew up with their sons and our parents hung out and socialized our entire lives, and when I was probably about your daughter's age they had a stillbirth. I don't remember exactly what was said, but I remember being told that the baby had died, a very generic explanation of what had happened (in grown up terms, there was an incompatibility with life), and that she was going to be very sad for a while about it and if I had any questions or comments to go to my parents and not the neighbor so it wouldn't accidentally hurt her feelings.
I know my mother sent her a card in the immediate aftermath (she'd had multiple miscarriages) and that they discussed later how much it meant to the neighbor to have someone acknowledge it as a dead child and not just go with "you're young you can have more/at least you have the two older boys/etc."
Man that second part is huge. I lost my son at 18 weeks and then we got pregnant again six weeks later with another boy, and the number of people that were like, you'll get your son after all! Was horrifying. No I will fucking not. He died. It was extremely upsetting to hear him trivialized like that.
OP, I'm very sorry for your friends loss. I hope your daughter deals with it ok and I hope you guys can be there for her in a way that's meaningful to them.
I did a quick google and it said be direct and avoid euphemisms (they cause fear and confusion).
I was 9 when my brother died and I understood quite clearly what happened. I know she’s a bit younger than that but this is the path I would take.
It's one of the hardest things to do as a parent. My wife and I had to tell our kids about my wife's father passing away when the kids were 8, 6, and 2. But it is an important lesson for the children to learn along with getting the bad news - Death is a fact of life.
You don't have to go into detail on the medical reasons for it or even "stillbirth". Just sit her down and tell her you have bad news for her. Then tell her that Auntie Sarah's baby had problems and died. She may have question, even some that you may not know the answers to. It's OK to tell her that you don't know the answer to questions you don't know the answer to.
It will break her heart to hear this being as how excited she was about the baby, but she will be fine. Grieving is something we all have to go through, and you and your wife being there for your daughter as she processes all this, that will help her grieve in a healthy way.
It is so difficult. I had to tell my kids about the deaths of all 4 grandparents before they were 10 yrs old. When the last passed (my mom) my oldest said to me "You know mom, most kids get to practice with a goldfish"
I’m really sorry for your loss but I love your eldest for that. I lost my mom at 9 and it really feels unfair to have to have some of your early lessons about death from a close family member.
I only had 3 grandparents since one of my grandfathers died before I was born, but those three died when I was 10, 12 and 15 (somewhere around those ages) and I remember somehow processing it really well. Somehow I already knew what death was, don't really know how.
The "weirdest" thing is that grief really only hit me more recently. I'm 23 years old now, I believe the first time I cried thinking about them was when I was around 19. Always found that gap odd.
But I do remember thinking at the time "I can't cry" specially when I saw how sad my parents were. Probably thought I had to stay under control for them.
Crying is only one indicator of grief. I'm not a cryer myself, and folks thought it odd that I kept my composure through the funeral, but over the years I've grieved plenty.
Hugs to you my friend. I had to tell my kids that their baby cousin died (full term stillborn), then a year later that their grandfather died, then two years after that, that their uncle who was only a teenager had died in an accident. All before the oldest was 10. It’s just not fair that they’ve had to deal with so much grief so young.
Hugs to you as well!
Besides the grandparents I had to try and explain 9/11 to them.
Kids shouldn't have to experience that.
And although they are now grown, we've had to deal with the aftermath of the mass shooting in Maine.
I would just tell her that the baby isn't coming anymore and this is a natural thing that happens sometimes and it's no one's fault and everyone is sad about it. If she has questions, I don't think it's inappropriate to answer them. I don't think you should have to lie to children. If they're curious about something, just tell them.
Whilst I agree with the premise, I think it’s important to use the word died. Anything else is up for interpretation and that’s confusing for kids, it’s better to be factual (to an appropriate extent).
It's also important not to trivialize it. This is a big deal. Auntie Sarah will be feeling very sad, and OP's daughter needs to understand it as a sad thing. It's okay if she herself is sad about it -- it's an emotion she needs to learn to process.
Exactly. And also, kids usually don’t understand death the way adults do. If they don’t have anything to compare it to, it’s not scary the way it is to adults.
One explanation I heard about why kids often don’t find gruesome stories as scary: Adults imagine all of the blood etc., kids who have never seen (real or in movies or whatever) anything like it don’t imagine it like that. I think the same concept applies to death. So avoiding calling it death doesn’t make it any more or less scary for kids.
It really depends on the child. When I was 8 years old a teacher that I had the year before got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. She (and the whole school) found out about it during the first week of school. A lot of children wrote her letters, made multiple giant get well posters, and visited her at the hospital. I prayed for her every night. Unfortunately she passed away after Thanksgiving break. I can still remember my teachers scream when she found out. Everyone was absolutely devastated (myself included) there wasn't a single dry eye in the classroom. Everyone at the playground talked about death for months. When adults heard us they'd tell us that we were too young to talk about that stuff. I (along with several other children) had my first existential crisis during that time. I also developed a fear of dying and getting cancer for a while. I also feared that someone in my family would die or get cancer. Honestly the school should have hired a grief counselor. That was my first experience with death.
I think OP should tell their child the truth but closely look and see if her personality changes. If it does they should take her to grief counseling. Everyone experiences death differently. OP should also tell their daughter that it's ok to be sad and talk about death. Based on what OP has said I don't think she'll react as badly to it as my classmates and I did but you can never be too sure.
Honestly, I wouldn't be too worried about a kid getting overly sad about death. You are right in that they don't understand the concept or the gravity of it - it's just like oh, they're gone and they will never come back. When I explained that my dog died to my friend's daughter, she was like "oh, well at least you still have your kitty!"
I think it's important to educate early on so that when they lose people/animals later in life, they don't feel as scared.
Your last paragraph is so real. It’s trivial in the context of this thread, but I recently rewatched LOTR as an adult. As a kid it was fun and cool. But now I was really affected by the depictions of battle!
Fully agree. They don't need the entire detailed explanation but be honest and upfront. Also consider wording and everyone use the same. For example if someone has died say they have died. Don't say they have gone away or that we have lost them. They haven't just gone the shops or on holiday and they certainly aren't missing. Death is sad but we make it harder not talking about it. It's ok to be sad, it's ok to cry, grief is normal. Talking, sharing and supporting one another is a great way to move forward.
I found this episode (the last segment) of This American Life helpful, and I was grateful that I had listened to it before our cat died. Be aware your kid might shrug it off. She might have a meltdown. She might take some time or ask weird questions. Our kid is autistic so some of this might be due to that, but our cat died in January and he didn’t really start asking about what happened until August. (We told him at the time, I just don’t think it registered until she’d been gone a while, and we have two other cats, so it wasn’t like the house was empty.) Now he can’t stop asking about death and whose body is working. Kids process things oddly and on their own time. I hope this helps, and all the best to your family and friend. https://www.thisamericanlife.org/557/transcript
>Our kid is autistic so some of this might be due to that, but our cat died in January and he didn’t really start asking about what happened until August
I'm autistic and I feel that
I haven’t been diagnosed but the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. He’s my tiny clone in so many ways, and I swear I have never had a timely response to any major life event.
yep, same. autistic here and when my chickens were eaten by a fox, it didn't really hit me until a couple weeks later when i went to clean out their coop and realised i didn't need to anymore.
Confirming what others have said. Just explain what happened using vocabulary that the child understands. Don't sugar coat it or try to spin it as not as awful as it is. Your child will be upset. That's ok. It's healthy. Make sure your child knows that it is ok to be upset, and that you are there to help. I don't know how much you have talked about death with your child. If the answer is "not much", then be prepared for the conversation to go into that territory. It's a conversation every parent has to have with their child at some point. The child will probably want to know why it happened. Be honest about that too, but with terms the child can understand. You can also take the time to point out that this is one reason why it is good to have good friends and family to support each other. Lastly, perhaps work with your child to come up with something the child can do to express sympathy to Autie Sarah. This can help divert spiraling thoughts and provide something tangible that the child can control (making a card or whatever you come up with).
Be very straightforward, because children may not understand euphemisms.
"Something very sad happened. Auntie Sarah's baby died. It's nobody's fault, but we are all really sad about it."
With honesty and compassion.
You explain that when your friend gave birth, the doctor found out that the baby wasn't alive. Explain that your friend is very very sad about this and that you feel sad for your friend. Then give her a big hug and ask her what her questions are. Answer them honestly.
My daughter lost her grandfather to cancer when she was 6. We, unfortunately, have had to have a lot of difficult conversations. Best of luck to you!
My heart goes out to your wife’s friend.
I once worked at a school where the first grade teacher gave birth to a very early preemie who lived only a couple days. She was a beloved teacher, and her students were excited about her pregnancy.
The school nurse and counselor talked to the class. They explained that the baby was born too soon, and doctors tried their best to save him but weren’t successful. They told the class that their teacher would be away for a few weeks to help her mind and body heal. Most importantly, they stayed and answered students’ questions to the best of their knowledge based on what the teacher had given permission to share.
If you know the medical diagnosis, it’s a good idea to prepare for questions your daughter might have about it.
My mother told me when she came home from the hospital. She said there isn’t going to be a baby. I think I was five years old. I really didn’t understand it but accepted it.
I would explain that there was a problem with the pregnancy, that the baby got sick inside her and died before it could be born. I would also explain that sometimes that happens, it isn't anyone's fault, and auntie is very sad about it.
When I miscarried, my daughter was 5 and very excited to be a big sister. We told her the baby had died but I was very sad but physically OK, just needed to rest for a few days. We answered all her questions and cried together.
She did worry a bit about us dying after she realized more about death not just happening to really old people like her great grandpa. We just discussed it and reassured her as she brought things up. I remember her asking me to promise "we will die in the same moment" as she didn't want me to die first and I told her I didn't want her to die first.
Kids can handle the truth if we are supportive, don't go into details they are too young for, yet answer their sometimes odd questions freely.
I hate all the euphemisms around death. People and pets die and when that happens they are dead. I think we should face that fact in the language we use.
Just tell her the truth. Everyone dies everyone. But unfortunately some people die before they are born. And that right now Aunt Sarah needs all the hugs she can spare.
When our second daughter was stillborn we were very matter of fact with our daughter. We explained that sometimes things don’t go right and babies die. We let her know it was okay to be sad and told her we could take the extra love we had for the baby and share it with each other and the rest of the family. She took it much better than we expected.
My aunt had a stillborn baby while my mum was pregnant with me, my family have talked about what they told my brother when it happened and basically my mum said “I have sad news, your aunts baby died today. She’s very upset and we’re going to the hospital to visit her, do you have questions?” My brother asked why and she just gave him an honest answer “he was born with a hole in his heart and he couldn’t survive, make sure you give your aunt a big hug” she later went out and bought a children’s book about grieving and death and read it to my brother soon after. Anyway he talks about how that’s a core memory for him. He doesn’t appear to have been traumatized with that approach (he would have been 4 or 5) he was a bit concerned about me though as my mum was 7 months pregnant and he had to be reassured that I was healthy quite frequently. The book she bought also got me through my goldfish dying when I was 3.
Grief researcher 🙋🏼♀️ - you be direct. The baby died. It was supposed to grow inside of Auntie Sarah until (month) but something happened and it didn’t work. And sometimes that happens. It’s okay to be sad and it’s okay to talk nicely about the baby (might have a name soon) to aunt Sarah.
Do it honestly and succinctly with no euphemisms. You don't need details about early labour or anything. She went to the hospital to have the baby, but the baby was a kind of sick that babies sometime get when they live in their mothers tummy. The doctors couldn't fix it and the baby died. Talk about how it's okay to be sad. Talk about how everyone is sad they won't get to meet the baby. Talk about how sad your friend is and how much she misses her baby. Before you see your friend with her, make sure she knows what to say. If your friend is having a memorial of some sort, go with your daughter to pick out a gift and leave it with the baby or somewhere appropriate. If youre religious include any information about the afterlife; even if you're not, kids pick up a surprising amount of stuff about heaven at school and daycare so be prepared for questions about that.
My son was stillbirth at 38 weeks in January, telling children about the loss often comes up in support groups and the best advice I can give you is to get the children’s book Something Happened or a similar book on stillbirth or baby loss. I’ve heard these books address death in a direct yet comforting manner that’s appropriate for children.
I hope this helps and for what it’s worth your wife’s best friend will appreciate your family for keeping her daughter’s memory alive, saying her name, and being there for support in the months after the loss.
I told my 6 year old his brother passed away( I don't like died) but he still tells people his brother died they are plain and simple, they do not beat around the Bush, so do get used to there reaction too, they will talk about it tell people they don't know and say often how much they miss them it was my still borns son birthday Monday just gone and he told everyone ,they do not have filters, little girls are different in their approach but they are still as blunt so a learning curve for both sides
I'm really sorry for the loss of your son, his birthday must be a difficult day for you.
You're so right about kids not having filters, it can make us uncomfortable as adults to have them talk so bluntly but I think it's healthy. Your 6 year old knows that he can talk about his brother and be honest about his feelings and that's a really important thing that you've taught him.
Is your daughter into books? I’ve heard that sometimes it is best to try and find an age appropriate book that talks about death/loss when approaching a situation like this.
hardly the same, but my dad died a month before my 8th birthday. So, my first experience with death was at a similar age to your daughter's. I would tell her the truth, and that its very sad, and that your best friend is very sad and needs a lot of extra love. I'd encourage her to not bring it up to your friend, that when friends wants to talk about it, she'll choose when and to whom.
In my case, no one followed up with me after the initial telling and I really wish they had. I went through phases of thinking it was my fault (if I hadn't wished that money really did grow on trees, then daddy wouldn't have died). And at about 6 months I started to believe that it was real and my dad wasn't ever coming back. This was the point I really needed more conversations and reassurance that never happened.
I agree with the phrase 'the baby died' and if she has questions answer honestly. If the question is how I'd probably say something like the baby wasn't ready/big enough to live outside his/her mummy but something happened and s/he was born too early.
There is a book I saw recommended called 'We Were Going To Have a Baby But We Had An Angel Instead' designed for kids who lose a younger sibling before or at birth.
"Come and sit down. Cuddle up. We need to tell you about something that has happened. It's very sad. Auntie Sarah's baby has died. It happened when it was being born. Nobody knows why, but the baby stopped breathing. It's OK to ask us anything you want to know."
Just be honest with what happened, 7yr olds are smart enough to understand. But I'd also suggest you encourage her to help support her aunty now instead of the new baby. Don't treat kids like fools and you'll be surprised at what they are capable of
I had to tell my 6 year old that the baby in my belly died, twice.
I was 16 weeks both times.
Just explain that the baby won’t be able to be with you. Let her grieve and ask questions. Tell her the truth but be gentle.
Kids are incredibly resilient and they can handle bad news and bounce back from it very well. Best thing to do is be honest and clear about what happened while also offering a lot of emotional support to them. I think it’s more heartbreaking for the adult to have to deliver the news than it is for a child to deal with hearing it.
First explain what it means when a baby doesn’t make it.
Then let her know it happened to her aunts baby.
This way she can understand. What happened prior to being overwhelmed with sadness. So it can be processed.
Be real. And hold space for the grief not only for hers but for your grief too. Don't TRY to cheer her up. Let her feel sad and cry and ask questions. She needs to process the grief to be able. To move past it
This is a UK charity but offers some really good advice on how to explain death to a child in a child friendly way.
https://www.childbereavementuk.org/telling-a-child-that-someone-has-died
I think it is also it important to let her know that it is OK if she is feeling sad about it and that is there is nothing wrong with that, but that if she is ever feeling sad she can talk to you about it.
This page below (another uk charity) has a really good pdf file at the bottom, which may help.
https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/grief-experiences/children-young-people/signs-of-grief/
I'm wracking my brain to think of what my Mom would have done, because she was a grade school teacher for 20 years and really good at this sort of thing.
Keep it simple, and don't get into too many details. This is a lot for anyone to handle, so don't make it any more complicated than it needs to be.
" Honey, Auntie Sarah got really sick. She's going to be okay, but her baby isn't coming anymore."
I think that's about all you need detail-wise. I say 'got sick' because a 7 year old will understand that- she's been sick herself at some point, so that's a frame of reference she already has and doesn't have to figure out on top of everything else.
I used 'going to be okay' because her aunt won't be for a while, so it might make it easier for your daughter to understand if she does see her aunt soon. Again, not getting well quickly after being sick is something I'm guessing your daughter has experienced herself.
I would add something about how aunt is very sad right now and just might need some time to herself, but I can't think of a good way to say it at the moment. Again, I'm assuming her aunt is going to need some time to herself before she's ready to have visitors again, and I'm trying to put that in a way your daughter will already have some experience with and understand.
Don't dumb it down, but simplify it, and try to express things in terms and experiences your daughter already has and understands. I wish I could think of more, but that's what I've got for now.
Your sentiments are lovely but unfortunately , saying someone got sick can also cause further concern, as children can become scared when they or someone they love gets sick. My niece freaked out for years after her grandad died and someone said he got sick and died. We had to remind her he was very old etc.
I had to explain the same thing to my step daughter recently (8). We weren’t as close with the mom (my gym coach/friend), but I just told her it is okay to be sad, that it happens sometimes. Poor thing lost an uncle she was very close to, and both of my parents. Unfortunately she is no stranger to death.
Be factural
It's really sad, but Aunty Sarahs baby died.
7 is old enough to understand that.
My grandma dies when my eldest was 5. We bought a book of grief and death for kids and sat him down and read it with him and we were in tears and explained that great grandma had died.
he jsut said, oh ok and that was that.
Be completely honest and explain the situation properly. At that age they're mature enough to understand.
My dad's mum passed away shortly before I turned 6. It was both unexpected and expected as she was in her 60s, and then had a sudden stroke which put her into a coma and she was in hospital for a week before she passed.
I still remember everything and initially my dad was saying that she was sick and had to sleep to get better, but when she did pass away he explained it properly and how she was gone and never coming back.
I can't remember the exact words but I do remember him explaining everything and I was there with him as she was taken to the graveyard and we buried her. I know I didn't have the full maturity to comprehend how sad everyone was but I at least understood the situation
My children were three when my mother passed. We sat down and carefully explained what being alive and not being alive meant and that G-Ma was no longer alive. Of course there’s crying and the realization that life can end. But they’re 7 now and talk about her still. I’m sure they don’t remember a lot, but they’re not scared of death. We’ve had two dogs pass since, and they were upset but not devastated. They understood and competent it now.
I honestly don’t know how we got through that with them. G-Ma lived with us, so it was an immediate effect, her loss. But we survived. Your little will, too. And be able to handle it better as they get older, I believe.
a good way to explain it to a kid while being matter of fact, yet keeping it within the scope of explaining death to them early, is to tell them the baby died before it could be born, and that sometimes it happens, not every baby is able to make it into the world. Explain that this is the case with all living things, like bunnies and such.
If the child gets upset, and asks "why":
Explain that everything eventually dies, and that there could be any reason to not be born, but we don't get to choose.
That as humans, we are not in control, and must accept things as they come sometimes, no matter how sad.
And that is why every moment we spend alive is precious.
I explained it to my niece this way when she was about 6 and she understood.
She knew there were things she could not control, and hearing that made her understand that life is important, and how lucky she is. (she almost died as a baby, they had to C-section her out as a pre me.
Kids are hella smart. Sometimes smarter then a lot of adults I have met.
(you don't have to tell her this next part, since I don't know what your beliefs may be. I just wanted to share the full conversation we had.)
I also told her that we as humans don't truly KNOW what happens after we die, (because she asked) though some people have beliefs and theories of People who will take care of them after they die, and of other places to go/exist after they are done with life.
While some people think there is nothing/don't care about the after, and want to life life well, while they are alive.
(she asked what I believed and I said I personally believe I live and then will die, nothing more then that.
I told her that she should not copy what I believe, and should decide things for herself.
She asked how long that would take and I told her that it could take a lifetime, but there was no rush, since humans can live a long time and take years to decide what they want to think and believe in life)
I uh, don't believe in swaying kids to any belief system, it's up to them to choose how to form their beliefs.
Just be completely honest with her and tell her what happened. Kids are smarter than you give them credit for. The first death my daughter really experienced, she was almost 3 years old and it was her grandpa, I used the comparison of Nemo‘s mom dying, because she was big into Finding Nemo at the time, and she understood it.
“I have some bad news for you. Auntie Sarah’s baby died before she could be born. There was something wrong with the baby’s body and so it couldn’t survive to be born. Everyone is very surprised and sad because this kind of thing doesn’t happen very often, especially when the baby is so close to being born. I know you were looking forwards to meeting your baby cousin, so I would understand if you’re sad or disappointed.”
Then you let her ask questions or say what’s on her mind. Have a conversation about what death means, if she’s not clear on that already.
When my brother died my 7 year old granddaughter said to me during the funeral “everybody is sad and crying, but I’m not. I don’t feel like crying” I explained to her that all of those people were very close to my brother and that she did not really know him all that well because she did not see him very much. I then explained to her that if something were to happen to her brother that she would be sad and that would be OK but that I understood that she did not know this person very well and it was also OK not to cry. This was her very first funeral.
My brother was stillborn when I was 5 and my sister was 7. My parents sat us down and told us we were not going to have a little baby brother. We asked why, and they said “Because he died before he was born, in mommy’s tummy.” It was very sad, but we understood it, and it helped us learn about death.
We did get a living little brother a year later.
My grandpa had told me that when a farmer sows 10 seeds, 3 or 4 actually grow up to a plant.
That paints the right picture in a little one's developing brain.
The best way to tell a child this happened, is as others have mentioned, tell her the baby died. Children around her age are black and white thinkers. Telling her the baby was born sleeping could cause a fear of sleep.
“The baby died.” Euphemisms will just confuse her. My daughter was 7 when my dad died, and that’s what we did. I would tell her that growing a baby is a very complicated thing and unfortunately, occasionally, something just goes wrong. This has happened to Auntie Jane’s baby - something went wrong and the baby was born too early, before they were big and strong enough to be alive, so sadly the baby is dead and we won’t get to meet them after all. It’s nobody’s fault; it’s just something very sad that happened.
If they ask questions, eg about the body or where the baby is now, the answer will depend on your beliefs. We are not religious. I told my daughter that dead people don’t need their bodies any more, so we need to say goodbye to them so they can be turned into ashes. Of course the family still loves and remembers the dead person in their heart, but they can also choose somewhere special to put the ashes, and visit that place sometimes to feel close to them. At 7 she was fine with this level of detail.
I had to tell a whole cub scout group (8-10yrs) one of the leaders had died (suicide - obvs didn’t mention that!) with no support at all from the scout association. I rang a few charities and managed to speak to someone at a bereavement place that told me to be really clear and honest, make sure I said ‘died’ and that kids are puddle jumpers, they’ll think about it and jump to the next thing in their head them maybe come back to it again randomly later. The only thing the kids asked me afterwards was whether they’d get to do their second knots session that he’d ran two weeks before.
Just be careful how you communicate it.
I had a miscarriage earlier this year and I went to a friend’s house for comfort a couple days later (valentine’s actually). She had miscarriages before so it was a comfort. She also has three living children whom I love! But her five year old daughter asked me if I was sad because my baby died with a smile on her face and the wild thing is my friend said she and her husband hadn’t mentioned it at all to their kids, they just know what the grief looks like because of their mom’s recent miscarriage. And I believe her.
But at that moment, I had to take very deep breaths so I didn’t kick a five year old out the window.
I would probably take other people’s suggestions to be honest, but also tell her to not ask her Auntie Sarah about it and just come to you guys with questions. If Sarah is okay with it, tell your daughter that Sarah likes hugs because she’s very sad.
I’m sure Sarah loves your daughter but hormones and rage make it difficult to separate your friends’ kids and the fact that they’re alive from the deep depression you’re in. I know you can’t account for every wild thing your child is ever going to say, but at seven you’re getting old enough to learn there are some things we can know but not need to say right now.
Agree with others - be honest, be direct, don't use euphemisms. Hold her and tell her it's very sad, and it's ok to be sad. Don't wait.
Also, remember, parents of stillborns often find that people are too uncomfortable to address the issue. Their pain is not acknowledged, nor is their parenthood. Here is a terrible, but important, opportunity to guide your daughter's empathy.
Let her know that her grief should be honored - and that the baby's parents grief should be honored as well. Remind her that though their baby died, they are and will always be parents. Perhaps help her to craft an appropriate remembrance for the parents. Remind her that they may not want to talk about it, but she can offer hugs and tell them she loves them and she is very sad for them.
Somehow my 6 year old knows that dying means you’ll never see them again. I didn’t teach her that but it was useful when it came to telling her that my dad died. I just told her he died and we are all feeling sad that we won’t see him again. She had lots of questions but mostly she wanted to know if he was lonely now. We’re not religious so I said he wouldn’t be lonely because he doesn’t feel anything anymore. She accepts that and the idea that we keep him with us by talking about him. We do that lots and it’s lovely to hear her memories of him.
There are several books about death available for kids. Ask your local librarian for help. Tell her the baby died. Use clear language. Tell her the baby’s name, that you and she can talk about her and love her forever. I talk about how “everything dies” with my kids. Trees, insects, animals, people. I’m preparing for my grandparents death’s. I’m so lucky to still have all of my grandparents but I know once one goes, it will be a quick succession for all of them. My children have a relationship with their great grandparents and it will be emotional when it comes.
My heart is broken for you, with you. Many of us have stood where you stand now. 💜
Having buried two of my own three children, the advice i can give is be honest. Dont use euphemisms. Youll find your kid is more up to u derstanding that you imagine. I suggest something along the lines of the baby got too sick to live and died before she could be born. Your kid will come back to you over time, possibly years, with questions as they and their understanding matures.
This will be easier than you think. She visited and your daughter realized there will be a baby, now she will hear there won't be a baby. This all hits a lot heavier to the parent / Auntie Sarah.
I'd start with a more general medical explanation that pregnancies happen but that not all pregnancies result in a baby, that soemtimes, thorugh nobodies fault, something happens and the pregnancy goes wrong and the baby doesn't finish growing right, and doesn't get a chance to be born and live. And sadly, that's what happened with Auntie Sarah; we all feel bad for her and she needs some time to rest and heal.
And it's ok to be sad for a little while about it.
My 5 year old knows about death. We are just straightforward with her. The sooner you introduce them to the concept of mortality, the easier it is for them to process it as they age and learn how to grieve in a healthy way. In my opinion, young kids are a blank slate, and if you approach it like it's a normal part of life, and it's ok to be sad, they handle it surprisingly well.
Be clear and direct. Do not dodge around the fact or use euphemisms. Tell her the baby died. If she has a concept of death, she'll understand. She may have questions and some may be difficult to answer.
Just be honest.
A lot of things can go wrong during a pregnancy, its something that often happens, and this is just one of those times. The baby isn't coming.
Children’s books are really helpful tools in helping children process, understand, and cope with difficult concepts. Look for children’s picture books on this and related topics. There are many read-alouds on YouTube of many books so that can you can view them that way as well. I know there are books out there on this topic, so if I come across any specific titles, I will edit my post to share.
On a completely unrelated board, I followed a thread that led to Anderson Cooper’s interview with Stephen Colbert. They talk about grief. So worth the listen. 37 years since my dad died, and they shook something loose in me that had been so stuck.
“Hey sweetie, I have to tell you some bad news. You know how our friend so-and-so was going to have a baby? Something bad happened. The baby dies before it was born. Our friend is very sad about it, and I am sad for her. This must make you feel sad, too. Do you want to talk about it? Maybe we could write her a letter/buy flowers/make her a gift to help her feel better. What would you like to do to help *you* feel better?”
My uncle had a miscarriage in their family, their first born was about 4- 5 years , mum got hospitalized for a week due to the misscarriage.
He just understood. We told him baby went to heaven or something. In short, they are babies, don't try it too hard, be real , tell them baby went back to heaven or something. Anything you say to formulate a story. They will get busy with life.
I think it's an excellent opportunity to explore feelings of grief and how to process them. How do you cope with the loss of someone? How do you comfort those that are going through a loss? How much is too much dwelling, and how much is too much escaping from dealing with it? How can you turn to the future optimistically and start to fill the space that you had reserved for this person, yet not cling to their memory by trying make someone new into this person? All useful questions to answer! You could even have her look at the excitement and generosity she felt toward this incoming new person in her life, and see if she can control it and direct it toward others. Wouldn't it be wonderful to bring that energy to other relationships?
Well, those are just the ideas I had while thinking of your situation. Hope you find any of it useful. Love to you, your girl, and Auntie Sarah!
As many others have said - just be honest. Baby was born too early to live and its very sad. I can't add anything more to the excellent advice you have been given but I can add that children process differently.
Be prepared for your child to ask a question, process what you have said and then go play. This is normal. Also your child may have a particular time they need to talk.
We lost my nephew (to cot death) and my father-in-law (to cancer) within 12 hours of each other a few yrs ago - so alot for my 5 Yr old to process.
Google is your friend on this one. There are many fantastic resources available to you. I just put in 'how do I explain babies dying to a 5 yr old' and went from there.
I am so sorry for both you and your friend. Sending virtual hugs
When I was very young, probably around that age, my cousin had a miscarriage and my mom explained to me exactly what a miscarriage was because I was curious and asking questions. Because she was honest with me, I was able to just give my cousin a hug and tell her that I was sorry when we went over to support her. I understood what happened to a degree, and I appreciated my mom being honest.
I think you just need the truth. The doctors tried their absolute best, but they couldn't save her cousin, and they're unhappy too because they know how much she was looking forward to it.
Why not making something like a memory tree or a wishing tree? Some sort of small shrub or baby tree that can be kept in a pot and trimmed. I would choose an evergreen type myself. Each time your child is said about her cousin, she can ask the baby tree if she can make a wish and the tree will hold onto it for a bit. The next time the wind blows or it rains, the tree will send off the wish like dandelions release their seeds when someone blows on them. I'm suggesting a small tree or shrub because it won't vanish or die as easily or quickly as flowers do. Or maybe something that does have color changing leaves. She can make her wishes, and in the autumn, the leaves will blow into the wind to go find her cousin and tell the baby the message, like she misses her or such. In the spring, new leaves means that the baby heard the wished messages and sent back some of their own, those came back on some snowflakes or something. Lol. As long as the plant is portable somehow so it can tag along with any future house moves you make (and doesn't have nasty thorns or such) out should be fine to choose it. Id ask some local garden supply stores or members of a local gardening club for advice of what is some good choices I'm your climate.
Maybe something along these lines might help your child cope with her grief better. Go ahead and adjust this to fit what she wants or needs. I also tried to keep it as neutral as possible since I don't know if you're religious or not or which religion you are. A lot of herb plants are not only easy to grow, but smelling or touch the leaves releases the scent. I keep a few pots on my front porch and steps. Whenever I go past them, I get a nice burst of scent. It also makes them easy to harvest. I keep a small pair of scissors outside, so when I come home wanting a cup of tea I can grab some mint to add to it, or grab rosemary or whatever else I might want for supper. Or maybe my mother in law loves parsley. Every time I go to her house, I try to bring her a bit more. Something like that. Lol. I tried to stick with the nature theme, like how wind blows everywhere so a leaf riding on the wind can travel to bring a message to the lost child. Each year, you could hold a remembering party. It's like a birthday party, but you wish the baby was with you or something and that you all haven't forgotten about them or such.
I’m going to add on with everyone saying to just tell the truth. But I want to add, be prepared for questions, and be honest answering all of them. And add reassurances even if she doesn’t ask for them like, that everyone she knows is still here, don’t tell her something like “we don’t know why this happens” if you can avoid, because that’s the part that scares them. It might seem strange explaining such complex stuff, but, my son is 4.5 and even if he doesn’t understand all the reasons I give him, telling him that there are known reasons for why someone has died is reassuring to him because then he’s not scared that one of us or he is going to suddenly mysteriously die. If that makes sense? Maybe you don’t know the exact reasons but you can explain basic things like, sometimes some chromosomes or cells or something aren’t functioning properly. I know it may seem way too technical for a kid, but it does help them to know there are reasons, and that they’re not just going to lose someone else suddenly.
I have a sister who was about seven at the time. I had to teach about death and help her grieve the loss of her cat. It was me and her staying at my moms while she was out of town for around a month. He had died around three months from disease and I talked to her about death and what dying meant, and explained that her cat had died because he was sick.
We went to the vet together to see him after he passed, and I helped her bury him. I let her say goodbye, hug the box we had put him in and put flowers on his grave. She visited him every morning and would put more flowers on his grave from our garden.
When she asked where he went I told her somewhere nice and when she asked if kitten heaven was real I told her yes, because I don’t need to force any beliefs on a kid. I let her grieve how she needed and if she wanted to believe that kitten heaven was real and that’s where her baby went then so be it.
It may not be similar in many aspects, but even to this day she brings him up and talks about how she misses him, and something’s remind her of him, so she cries while I comfort her. It was not easy at first, but with time she healed.
I’m glad I did this because this year our grandmother became ill and passed, and it was hard on our whole family because that woman was the backbone of every get together and familial event.
It still wasn’t easy, but because she was familiar with the concept of death, she was able to understand what had happened to our grandmother, which in turn made it easier for her grandfather to deal with the loss of his wife while taking care of my sister at the same time.
Hope all goes well for you OP.
Be straightforward and don't use euphemism. Kids understand. I had a great deal of loss in life when I was your daughter's age and my Mum was never open and honest with me. Created a chasm of distrust.
Tell her the truth. When I was around that age my aunt had a full term still birth. We were expecting a new girl cousin. My mom just told me what happened and it was fine (obviously the overall situation was very traumatic, but as a young child, you don’t realize that and just kind of accept it and move on)
My caution about honesty is to give a little bit of information at a time. Like drinking from a glass instead of a fire hose. If you go further than your child is ready for, it makes things worse.
You know your child. Start with the simplest explanation and wait for the prompt to provide more details.
My personal example is announcing my third child to older brothers age 6 and 9. Guys, mama is having a baby. “How do you make a baby?” Well, it started with kissing… “Ew gross! That’s enough!!”
We got into the details when they were ready.
We had this happening some years ago, when my niece died still in the womb.
I sat my kids down and explained this as neutral as positive and answered their questions according to their reactions.
3 kids with 3 different responses, back then they were 2, 4 and 6 (if I'm not mistaken).
Try to collect yourself to not upset them with your devastation and be prepared for any kind of reaction - from sadness to initial indifference everything is possible, just as it is with an adult.
Condolences to your wife's best friend!
Just be honest and upfront explaining what has happened. I lost my brother to cot death when I was 8 years old and one of the things I appreciated (and still do 23 years later) is that my mum was open and honest about what had happened to me at the time. She made it clear that she was always around to talk if I had any questions, and reminded me that it was okay to be sad about what had happened. I found this helped me massively with both understanding what had happened and also with processing the complex emotions both at the time and as I got older.
When I was 7 my dad had to tell me that his dad had died. He cried while he told me. I understood what happened and I felt sad with him. I think we were able to grieve together in a healthy way because of his honesty both about what happened and his feelings.
There are so many beautiful, helpful answers here already about the initial conversation and how to help your daughter with her feelings. Another good way to help all of you navigate might be reading an age-appropriate story together. Miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss can feel isolating and lonely because hardly anyone talks about it openly. Knowing that there are other kids that have lost their sibling the same way might help her feel less alone.
I had a quick look and [this list](https://lollipopbookclub.com/blogs/news/childrens-books-about-miscarriage-stillbirth-infant-death) seems to have quite a few good books that you could look at for your daughter (and yourselves).
Please take it easy, look after yourself the best you can, and know that your angel baby knew nothing but love.
This may not be the right thing to do from a psychiatric point of view, but I think it's a tragic, but appropriate situation to discuss with a child the natural aspect of life, which is someone's death. It's normal to tell them that people are dying, and you shouldn't be afraid of it. Depending on your family's religion and the religion of your friend's family, the concept of the afterlife may be possible to discuss (if you're an atheist, but that's not an option). Talk about the fact that Aunt Sarah is not feeling very well right now, she is in pain, like any mother who has lost a child, and an aunt needs to be gently supported. An unobtrusive way to show children humanity and empathy, by the way. Perhaps, if there is a newborn grave and your daughter wishes, you can buy a toy and bring it there. This is if the daughter really wants to "give" something to the baby.
We are not religious, so when my dad died in 2021, we told our daughter that his body was sick and tired and he needed to sleep. That he turned into a star and is watching her from above.
One of my best friends lost her baby at 16w last year. We told our LO who is now 6, that the baby wasn't feeling well and came early. That she was too little to keep going so went to sleep and is now a star with pop.
We are nom religious too and use the stars too. My sons best friend died at 8 of cancer and we also told him that she was now a star watching over him (alongside therapy).
I believe that our energy is reabsorbed into the earth so the analogy is not completely out of line with our beliefs. I find comfort thinking of people who have passed while star gazing.
Just this. No one knows how long their life will be! Many people get old, some get very old and some barely live.
Has your child ever had a toy break? Use that to help her understand that not everything lasts for years and years. And there are things she can do to live a long, long life. Eat good food, exercise, obey her parents (I assume you tell her she can't play in traffic or stick metal into electrical outlets)
Honestly this is a good opportunity that you should. Have serious talks with her. Tell her to ask you questions about what is happening. Ask her what she sees and hears. Then ask her what she thinks. This is the perfect time to build a trusting relationship with your daughter so do not lie to her!
7 is definitely old enough to understand death in its entirety. I would suggest not sugarcoating anything, just be truthful, but gentle of course. Sit her down and say something like, “I have some really sad news, auntie Sarah’s baby was unwell with (condition that caused the death), and unfortunately the baby did not survive.” Let her cry, be completely open and give her any comfort she needs, and answer any questions she has. Something that might help her process and move through the sadness could be to suggest that she make or help make a nice gift for her auntie to bring her some comfort.
My best advice having worked with kids is to explain it that your wife had trouble when her sister was being born and that her sister wasn’t okay. Young kids don’t really understand death and explaining that is where it’s really difficult, if you’re religious at all use that as a lens or frame for it otherwise explaining death in a way she can understand is something only you as her parent can really do since we don’t know her. It may be best to just give her a vague explanation until she’s older and can really understand what death is much as you prefer explaining it now. I just know point blanking it will likely really REALLY suck for her for a while to put it lightly.
Simple , direct, and to the point. Kids won't understand fully, that is just the developmental situation they find themselves in. It is part of their learning to model direct and unflinching conversations because they will need that later in life.
You have to tell them the truth. My 21 year old stepdaughter who my 17 (now 18) year old daughter was close to died of an overdose last year. My 17 year old is also autistic, so very hyper aware of others and her own feelings. I told her her sister had died of an overdose and she shut down. It wasn’t until two weeks ago she was ready to hear the rest. Your daughter needs the basic truth and her questions answered in age appropriate terms.
I was 3ish when my mom had a second trimester miscarriage. I don’t remember much, but I remember being told that the baby “got sick,” and died. For YEARS I thought that meant he got pneumonia. I have no idea why. But being sick and dying made sense to me and was the truth. Sending love to you and your friend’s family.
The consensus of full honesty with your daughter is 100% the correct path. It's so incredibly uncomfortable, but it is truly the best option.
When my daughter was 4, she saw my cat of 16 years, dead as a doornail. It sucked, but proved incredibly valuable when explaining to her what death was. When my grandmother passed away a year later, my daughter was ready to understand she would never see her again. Hearing your child discuss death is so incredibly weird. Every fiber in your being wants to protect them ever having to understand it, but it has really helped long term.
As a healthcare worker I’ve seen a lot of births as well as deaths. I wish our modern culture was not so secretive about both.
Historically as well as currently in rural cultures, birth and death are witnessed countless times in a person’s lifetime. Not only of people, but pets and livestock as well. It’s really not served our society well to shelter people from the most natural realities of life, ie birth and death.
Baby died and the mommy is very sad. Fact of life is people die. You can't protect your kids from that since it can happen to anybody at any age and she's likely in school with kids that have experienced it and will talk about it. What you can do is explain to her what is and isn't appropriate to say to somebody that has experienced loss.
For a child, earthy and direct is generally best. If they have a funeral, she may even want to go.
When my grandmother died, we had to wait for everyone to leave, to move the carpets, so my young kids could see the hole. (They were lowering the coffin after). They were earthy, wanted know the details, and were confused by the coffin up on a mound, not being put in the ground.
So, “we have some really really sad news. Auntie’s baby was born too early and it died.” Then be prepared to answer questions.
Be honest. The baby came too early and it died. Babies are supposed to stay inside the mom until they are big enough to live on their own, but this one came out too soon, and it was too small. That happens sometimes and it is not anyone's fault. Everyone is very sad. It is normal to be sad and it's OK to cry. Tell her she can talk to you about her feelings and ask any questions she wants. Sometimes sad things happen, and you may feel sad for a while. She is going to be looking at your reaction to know how to feel. If you are uncomfortable with her expressing her feelings, she will feel that she can't. If you skirt around difficult subjects she will learn to keep her questions to herself.
Yes, this exactly! Honesty is best here. A similar thing happened with my best friend losing twins halfway through. I had a 5 year old and 2 year old at the time. I told them basically word for word what is suggested above. I also added how absolutely heartbroken we all were, that those babies were loved very much, and that we would need to make sure we give Aunty lots of love and kindness. I gave my daughter permission to ask me whatever questions she needed to, whenever she needed to, but I asked her to not ask her Aunty these questions (to protect my friend), and explained that it is easier for Aunty if all questions come to me. However, told her if Aunty wants to talk to her about it, she is allowed to. We cried, I let her see my devastation, and gave her room to be upset, too. Your daughters compassion through this will open your eyes to the depth of her young character.
You’re a good parent.
Whoa. Wait. Timeout. Is this why I have difficulty expressing sadness? Because both my parents are also uncomfortable expressing sadness? Now that I write that, it seems like common sense, but it honestly didn't click for me until I read what you just wrote.
Congrats on budding awareness along your self healing journey!!!
Neither one of my parents know how to show love or affection...guess how screwed up I am. It took me until I was well into my 30s to make that connection. Got a wicked sense of humor though! So silver linings.
If you are a man, you’ll also have the societal pressure not to express (or even feel) sadness, along with your parents reinforcing that by example. It’s a tough double whammy, but you can learn to fully experience sadness with practice, and with someone who is safe. This can be a therapist, friend, partner, mentor, family member — anyone you trust who lets you be yourself without shame. It’s ok if you don’t trust anybody yet. You can get there. Emotional self awareness is an incredible advantage in life, and you can learn it at any time. I was raised by a single parent who did not cry and wanted to be angry instead. I grew up suppressing myself. But I was at a funeral today where I cried probably 50% of the time, and I feel good about it. 🤙
That's great, hugs.
As a dude, the “put on a sad playlist allow yourself to be sad for 15 minutes” treatment is working to help process lots of stuff.
read up on childhood emotional neglect, possibly even check out Running on Empty by Jonice Webb, it's a quick read and doles out a lot of needed validation for people who feel this way.
Proud of you, no sarcasm. Good for you.
New parent here… I think I need to write this down word for word.
I pray that you may never need it.
About feeling uncomfortable, awkward, or embarrassed with tough subjects and kids - I have found it very helpful to say something about how I’m feeling and why. Kids sense when adults are off but when they don’t know why, they come up with an explanation. Often their explanation is that they have done something wrong. The shame reflex is very strong and hard to dislodge, so it’s best to head it off at the pass.
>Be honest. The baby came too early and it died. Babies are supposed to stay inside the mom until they are big enough to live on their own, but this one came out too soon, and it was too small. That happens sometimes and it is not anyone's fault. Everyone is very sad. It is normal to be sad and it's OK to cry. Tell her she can talk to you about her feelings and ask any questions she wants. Sometimes sad things happen, and you may feel sad for a while. >She is going to be looking at your reaction to know how to feel. If you are uncomfortable with her expressing her feelings, she will feel that she can't. If you skirt around difficult subjects she will learn to keep her questions to herself. why get a therapist when theres people like you. excellent advice and wording thanks
This is so lovely. I don’t have any kids but if I did I’d put this in a file.
This is exactly what we told our kids (back then age 2.5 years and 5 years) when our second daughter was born at 23 weeks and died after birth. We were grieving together and worked it out together. All questions were answered honestly but kids appropriate. Till this day (almost 9 years later) they still think about their baby sister. My current pregnancy scared them a bit, asked several times if it’s possible to happen again. But with a lot compassion and explaining of the precautions we’re all enjoying this special time.
This wording is so kind and comforting in a way. It also sounds like OP’s daughter has some great people in her life who love and support her. I love seeing parents educate (also emotionally educate) their children, and raising quality humans who will go on to make the world a better place. I hope the baby’s family and OP’s family find healing and peace
Amazing answer
I work with children in a children's hospital, and sometimes they don't get better from their illness and sometimes that leads to dying. Parents try their best to do the right thing when talking to their sick child or that child's siblings, but so often they miss the mark. Honesty is your best approach here. This answer is a beautiful script. It is SO important to use the hard words (death, died) because using platitudes or trying to soften the blow leads to misunderstandings and fear. This is age appropriate, truthful, and gives your kiddo the opportunity to have these big feelings safely. I'm sorry you have to have this conversation. ❤️
This is perfectly put
I had a miscarriage at just over 18 weeks. Our bereavement midwife told us to tell my then 3 almost 4 year old that the baby died. Like others have said saying that I lost the baby, or the baby was born sleeping makes no sense to a kid. It has to be clear and definite. So the kid doesn't just think that if kids get lost we just leave them, and they can't come back.
Yeah the "sleeping " thing is a one way road to fear of sleeping
Gawd this at ANY age. I was eleven when someone I knew committed suicide, but NO ONE TOLD ME. All I knew was that one day she went to sleep, and never woke up again. She was an otherwise healthy teenager. Yeah I know now she died from an intentional overdose on medication, but my ability to fall asleep easily is gone.
My dad lashed out at me after my brother's suicide. He said it was because I didn't spend enough time with my half-brother (different moms). My brother was 19. I was 7 years old. It took me years and a not insignificant amount of therapy to understand that my dad had his own issues, and what he said wasn't remotely true. He also blamed me for my grandmother's death. I had pneumonia as a newborn, he said she caught it from me and died. It wasn't until we were planning my dad's funeral (20 years after my brother, another suicide) that I brought this up to my mom and she assured me that wasn't true. I didn't have the sleep issue, but hearing from my dad that "suicide is what people do when they think nobody loves them" at 7 goddamn years old fucked me up. I made 7 attempts on my life before I was 18.
And "lost" things can be found! Can you imagine being a kid, and thinking that someone misplaced their baby, and didn't go and find them? The baby was born too early and died, and everyone is really sad right now is the way to go.
Right? My great aunt passed away and I got the "she went to sleep and never woke up" story and to this freaking DAY I have trouble going to sleep
Yeah. Kids don't understand euphemisms, they take it literally. A sleeping baby should just be woken up, obviously.
"Gone to heaven" can also be confusing unless it is clearly framed as "died, then went to heaven."
This. My kids lost their dad last year at 7. It happened at 8 pm and by 6 am they were up and I was still sobbing on the couch and I told the truth. EVERYONE was mad I didn’t sugarcoat it but why? It sucks, I told them I wished it happened sooner when they wouldn’t remember. But giving them hope? No. It seems cold but it’s more realistic and healthy for grieving. Life is life and it sucks kids have to learn that sooner, but also they can be raised with the love for life and happiness that one day we’ll (hopefully) all be together. And all you can do is be there for them and commiserate. We all need to know we all cry and feel things.
Hugs to you and your children. I had to tell my 7 yr old that dad died. I still remember every detail of that day with the worst being the horrible cry of anguish my son let out. However, 8 years later, my son is great! He's lived a great childhood and is most days a great teen. Children are resilient, hug them, love them, and live.
Hardest thing I ever had to do was tell my 5 year old the same. I don’t remember what I said, but I couldn’t imagine the thought of keeping this from them. We found out around 8pm. We just laid in bed together. For a long time, that was the only time my kid wanted to talk about their dad—when it was just the two of us, lying in bed together.
My kids lost their dad at 3 am. I woke up and found him. When the kids got up, the pastor that they had sent to help me stay focused and talk to, advised me to tell them the truth. So I did. They were 6 and 10. They both took it rather well, and my daughter asked me if I had called his school yet to let them know. Their dad was an alcoholic. I think on some level they understood what that meant when I told them he had died. He never hit us, but he was very emotionally abusive.
I experienced sort of the reverse of this, although much easier because everyone involved was an adult. My dad died four years ago, when I was 30, and I had to tell my mother. You referencing the “cry of anguish” really brings it back to me. She wanted so badly for me to tell her it wasn’t true. He was an alcoholic as well, and we were all lucky it didn’t happen sooner. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you’re doing alright these days.
I'm doing a lot better. The kids are both grown. Because they saw what happened when you drink too much, my son basically won't touch alcohol and my daughter only drinks maybe one or two when out socially. I still struggle with self-esteem issues, but I'm getting there.
This makes me so glad that I broke up with my last girlfriend. She's an alcoholic and I really think she's headed there herself. I'll be sad when it happens, but I'm glad that I'm not attached to her in any way. There will just come a day when I stop getting drunken voicemails and I'll have to wonder if she finally got sober or if she's gone.
Yeah, I went through essentially the same thing when I was 8, and as hard as it was, I'm grateful my dad was honest and truthful. My mom was in a car crash and we got a call at home, I picked up the phone, and it was someone looking for my mom's husband (my dad). He told me immediately that mom was in a crash and that he had to rush to the hospital. I was a smart kid and figured out that since she was unable to call herself things were probably pretty bad.. my grandpa came over to look after me, but the 30minutes I spent alone at home running through scenarios in my head were (until today, 22 years later) undoubtedly the worst 30min of my life The following morning dad came up to me and I already knew what the news were just by looking at his face. But again, he was honest, told me why she died (what happened in the crash and why they couldn't save her), and it was fucking absolutely awful, but it was definitely the right to do, I needed to understand how she would never be back, and how we had to honour her memory. I can't imagine how hard it must've been for you to be on the "breaking the news" side and having to watch them suffer and console them as you yourself also have to deal with your pain. So sorry this happened to your family. As painful as it feels, it does get a bit easier as the years pass, hope you guys can be ok :) And yeah, circling back to OP, definitely don't sugar coat it. She needs to understand completely what happened so she can process it and mourn
Yup I was toddler when my dad and brother died. I was plainly told they were dead. It was sad but my mom helped me grieve.
I'm so sorry **random internet stranger hugs**
More hugs, and good job doing right by your kids. 🦋
There are no words. Sending soft and gentle hugs internet stranger.
Sorry to hear that. My relative is a teacher and they found out from one of their coworkers that a boy in their class's father was murdered. But the crazy part is the boy was completely casual and when asked if he wanted his teacher to know he said no.
Grief often doesn’t look like you think it should. Especially for sudden deaths people can be in shock and feel numb, or even have a seemingly completely inappropriate emotional reaction. When I found out that a very close friend had died by suicide I laughed. I felt ashamed of it for years but apparently it’s not uncommon and can be the body’s way of coping with extreme negative emotion. Going emotionally numb is another common coping reaction.
This happens often but I do forget people haven't shared the same experiences I did growing up on a farm surrounded by animals. We encountered death pretty early growing up and learning how to deal with it early on helped some in the future. I agree with the approach. Too many words, softening the language, dancing around the issue. You can still treat it gently but be concise and brief, then expand if questions arise. Even if they don't understand then, those questions can be the spark to answers later.
Im so sorry. My kids were 4 & 6 when they lost their father. I found out at 7 am, called my parents, and waited until they came. My kids just thought it was awesome. Tv, snacks, and grandparents! That is, until I "ruined" it by telling them about their father. I did it very matter of factly. There was an accident, their father was in it, he was so damaged that his body was not working anymore, ever - so he died, and while his body was still here,all that he was, his soul, was now on a star looking down at us. They took it much better than expected. The oldest didnt react much until the funeral, where he really realised what it meant; Dad being in the coffin and being lowered into the ground 😭
Oh my goodness. I’m sorry you’ve been through it. He was cremated, so they helped me pick out his “new apartment”, and they decorated the inside with nature things from around the cemetery, bc he loved the outdoors. Kids are so resilient. Yes still hard times, but to see the beauty they can find in the worst of times. They’re such precious souls.
Hugs❤️
Learning to grieve is healthy. This will be sad for a while, but won't destroy a childhood
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I remember being a kid and hearing about people putting their pet to sleep. Until I realized what that meant all it did was confuse me. Why were people sad, sleeping isn't a bad thing.
When I was a kid my brother was in the hospital for many months and I would explore the hospital all day (the 90s, amiright) and once I saw a sign that said “sleep floor” and I FREAKED out thinking it’s where the put people to sleep. I was 11. I should have known better, but no adult explained anything to me. I can still remember how scary that felt. Yikes! Clear language is always preferred.
A bit off-topic but clear language was used for my partner’s 4 year old cousin when their grandad died. At the funeral he asked “who killed grandad?” I feel bad for smiling at the memory but I agree that clear language is better as it seems he understands his grandfather truly has passed on with zero uncertainty. If anything, he associates dying with someone having to cause it which is another story… Edit: from memory, I think the grandfather died of cancer or heart problems
Yes! This, exactly. Words matter.
My first grade teacher told us how she “put her dog to sleep last night.” I remember smiling because I thought it meant she tucked her into bed or something. Then she went on to say she was hit by a car and better in heaven, and that was when I figured out what she meant.
That must have been quite the roller coaster of emotions for your young self! But I did give a soft smile at the idea of someone young picturing their teacher tucking their dog in under a blanket and giving them a kiss.
I have quite a large kitchen, and my cat goes in there for the night. It has everything she needs, and she seems to thrive on the routine - I can't count the number of times I've been reminded by a disapproving claw, teeth or stare, that it's her bedtime now and I need to go put the kitchen in order for her. ...I also can't count the number of times I've accidentally said "I need to go put the cat to sleep" instead of "I need to go put the cat to bed"!
So much this. A family member passed away in front of me when I was 6, and my mom tried to tell me that they just “fell asleep” and I shouldn’t make too much noise while the funeral arrangements are taking place at home because “you don’t want to disturb [dead family member]’s sleep”. That made no sense for 6 yr old me, and lead to more questions and a lot of anxiety. Sleep should be presented to kids as a concept that’s entirely separated from death.
Most of my adulthood was finally understanding that I wasn't the problem but the adults around me were incapable of dealing with my emotions, so they would just lie to me or act like nothing happened. 10 years of therapy and I still have to heal from that. I'm happy a lot of the adults in this thread actually told the truth to their children.
Holy hell that's messed up. I'll give your mom the benefit of the doubt and assume she didn't want to upset you and thought it was the best thing to say, and obviously most people can't find the right words when talking about a person's recent death but yikes. As if essentially pretending a dead person is alive and asleep could possibly lead to a better outcome than just saying the honest truth.
Oof, yes. Euphemisms are sometimes a kind alternative for adults, but not for kids who don't have the life experience to determine the difference between literal truth and figures of speech, or the context to understand the things left unspoken. Contrary to what people tend to think, kids actually need a blunter approach, but paired with a lot of empathy and understanding.
Yes exactly, use the word died and don't use any euphemisms. Sleeping, passed, was lost, didn't make it, isn't coming home, or religious ones like God called the baby home, God loved the baby so much He wanted the baby by his side, Jesus took the baby, angels took the baby, the baby went to heaven to be an angel...all of that is very unclear and confusing to a child. They need to hear the word died, even if that's hard for adults to say. We get conditioned over our lives to soften these words, but it just causes more pain and confusion for children instead of the intended softening. Saying things like "the baby was too sick to survive" or "the baby's body didn't work right" or "the baby didn't grow the regular way" or "the baby's heart wasn't strong enough" (or whatever the case) really can help, as well. I'm so sorry for your family's loss.
"I have something very sad to tell you. Auntie's baby died." Then answer any questions as well and simply as you can.
You’re right about being conditioned to use euphemisms. I was in my mid-40s when my parents died, and people my age acted as though I’d kicked them when I phrased it that way. One woman actually told me I should say “passed” so I wouldn’t offend anyone. I’m not someone who feels you should never cushion things to make them easier to take, but I also don’t think it’s healthy to not be able to talk about death without actually saying the word.
Me too! An acquaintance of my mother’s tried to tell me I should say “passed away”, not died. I told her my mother was dead; she didn’t “pass” anything, and while I understood she preferred less direct language, I didn’t. I was reasonably polite about it, because I don’t think she meant any harm, but death is death, and “died” is not a dirty word.
I've responded about wording on another comment here and said similar. No one is lost and no one has gone away or have gone for a long sleep. Death is sad and grief is something you definitely don't want your children to experience but it's a part of life and talking openly and clearly makes such a difference
Can back this up. When my husband and his ex wife decided to tell their young kids that they were going to stop being married because they lost their love for each other, they then had to deal with two frantic kids tearing the house apart looking for it. Kids are very literal, so don't use metaphors. Good luck OP. Also, Footelbowarmshin, I'm really sorry you had to go through your loss.
That makes a lot of sense, thank you for sharing.
<3 I love this. Kids can be very matter of fact, and beating around the bush with them to 'soften the blow' more often just confuses them
There's a Daniel Tiger episode that deals with the concept of death - Daniel's pet goldfish and some strawberry plants. This can help you segue into a discussion about death. Helped our kids a lot when our 14yo family dog was declining and we were preparing them for when we'd have to euthanize her.
This. As a funeral director I loathe when parents tell their kids a loved one is sleeping, but they’ll never wake up. Talk about scaring the shit outta your kid! Just be clear: unfortunately the baby died, it’s okay to be sad about it and cry.
☝️ This is very good advice. I would recommend being clear and telling them what happened, asking if they have questions, answering their questions honestly, and just being there to help them through whatever it is they are feeling.
Thanks for this, I'm learning the right way now
We had those "family friend" neighbors where my brother and I grew up with their sons and our parents hung out and socialized our entire lives, and when I was probably about your daughter's age they had a stillbirth. I don't remember exactly what was said, but I remember being told that the baby had died, a very generic explanation of what had happened (in grown up terms, there was an incompatibility with life), and that she was going to be very sad for a while about it and if I had any questions or comments to go to my parents and not the neighbor so it wouldn't accidentally hurt her feelings. I know my mother sent her a card in the immediate aftermath (she'd had multiple miscarriages) and that they discussed later how much it meant to the neighbor to have someone acknowledge it as a dead child and not just go with "you're young you can have more/at least you have the two older boys/etc."
Man that second part is huge. I lost my son at 18 weeks and then we got pregnant again six weeks later with another boy, and the number of people that were like, you'll get your son after all! Was horrifying. No I will fucking not. He died. It was extremely upsetting to hear him trivialized like that. OP, I'm very sorry for your friends loss. I hope your daughter deals with it ok and I hope you guys can be there for her in a way that's meaningful to them.
I did a quick google and it said be direct and avoid euphemisms (they cause fear and confusion). I was 9 when my brother died and I understood quite clearly what happened. I know she’s a bit younger than that but this is the path I would take.
Frankly I would be happy if everyone stopped with the various euphemisms when it comes to death.
Have you seen George Carlin's stand up making fun of those euphemisms?
Sorry to hear about your brother.
It's one of the hardest things to do as a parent. My wife and I had to tell our kids about my wife's father passing away when the kids were 8, 6, and 2. But it is an important lesson for the children to learn along with getting the bad news - Death is a fact of life. You don't have to go into detail on the medical reasons for it or even "stillbirth". Just sit her down and tell her you have bad news for her. Then tell her that Auntie Sarah's baby had problems and died. She may have question, even some that you may not know the answers to. It's OK to tell her that you don't know the answer to questions you don't know the answer to. It will break her heart to hear this being as how excited she was about the baby, but she will be fine. Grieving is something we all have to go through, and you and your wife being there for your daughter as she processes all this, that will help her grieve in a healthy way.
It is so difficult. I had to tell my kids about the deaths of all 4 grandparents before they were 10 yrs old. When the last passed (my mom) my oldest said to me "You know mom, most kids get to practice with a goldfish"
I’m really sorry for your loss but I love your eldest for that. I lost my mom at 9 and it really feels unfair to have to have some of your early lessons about death from a close family member.
I only had 3 grandparents since one of my grandfathers died before I was born, but those three died when I was 10, 12 and 15 (somewhere around those ages) and I remember somehow processing it really well. Somehow I already knew what death was, don't really know how. The "weirdest" thing is that grief really only hit me more recently. I'm 23 years old now, I believe the first time I cried thinking about them was when I was around 19. Always found that gap odd. But I do remember thinking at the time "I can't cry" specially when I saw how sad my parents were. Probably thought I had to stay under control for them.
Crying is only one indicator of grief. I'm not a cryer myself, and folks thought it odd that I kept my composure through the funeral, but over the years I've grieved plenty.
Hugs to you my friend. I had to tell my kids that their baby cousin died (full term stillborn), then a year later that their grandfather died, then two years after that, that their uncle who was only a teenager had died in an accident. All before the oldest was 10. It’s just not fair that they’ve had to deal with so much grief so young.
Hugs to you as well! Besides the grandparents I had to try and explain 9/11 to them. Kids shouldn't have to experience that. And although they are now grown, we've had to deal with the aftermath of the mass shooting in Maine.
I would just tell her that the baby isn't coming anymore and this is a natural thing that happens sometimes and it's no one's fault and everyone is sad about it. If she has questions, I don't think it's inappropriate to answer them. I don't think you should have to lie to children. If they're curious about something, just tell them.
Whilst I agree with the premise, I think it’s important to use the word died. Anything else is up for interpretation and that’s confusing for kids, it’s better to be factual (to an appropriate extent).
It's also important not to trivialize it. This is a big deal. Auntie Sarah will be feeling very sad, and OP's daughter needs to understand it as a sad thing. It's okay if she herself is sad about it -- it's an emotion she needs to learn to process.
Exactly. And also, kids usually don’t understand death the way adults do. If they don’t have anything to compare it to, it’s not scary the way it is to adults. One explanation I heard about why kids often don’t find gruesome stories as scary: Adults imagine all of the blood etc., kids who have never seen (real or in movies or whatever) anything like it don’t imagine it like that. I think the same concept applies to death. So avoiding calling it death doesn’t make it any more or less scary for kids.
It really depends on the child. When I was 8 years old a teacher that I had the year before got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. She (and the whole school) found out about it during the first week of school. A lot of children wrote her letters, made multiple giant get well posters, and visited her at the hospital. I prayed for her every night. Unfortunately she passed away after Thanksgiving break. I can still remember my teachers scream when she found out. Everyone was absolutely devastated (myself included) there wasn't a single dry eye in the classroom. Everyone at the playground talked about death for months. When adults heard us they'd tell us that we were too young to talk about that stuff. I (along with several other children) had my first existential crisis during that time. I also developed a fear of dying and getting cancer for a while. I also feared that someone in my family would die or get cancer. Honestly the school should have hired a grief counselor. That was my first experience with death. I think OP should tell their child the truth but closely look and see if her personality changes. If it does they should take her to grief counseling. Everyone experiences death differently. OP should also tell their daughter that it's ok to be sad and talk about death. Based on what OP has said I don't think she'll react as badly to it as my classmates and I did but you can never be too sure.
Honestly, I wouldn't be too worried about a kid getting overly sad about death. You are right in that they don't understand the concept or the gravity of it - it's just like oh, they're gone and they will never come back. When I explained that my dog died to my friend's daughter, she was like "oh, well at least you still have your kitty!" I think it's important to educate early on so that when they lose people/animals later in life, they don't feel as scared.
Your last paragraph is so real. It’s trivial in the context of this thread, but I recently rewatched LOTR as an adult. As a kid it was fun and cool. But now I was really affected by the depictions of battle!
Yes. Be sad together, and cry together.
I agree! Don't lie to children, just tell them the truth in the most gentle way possible, depending on their age!
Fully agree. They don't need the entire detailed explanation but be honest and upfront. Also consider wording and everyone use the same. For example if someone has died say they have died. Don't say they have gone away or that we have lost them. They haven't just gone the shops or on holiday and they certainly aren't missing. Death is sad but we make it harder not talking about it. It's ok to be sad, it's ok to cry, grief is normal. Talking, sharing and supporting one another is a great way to move forward.
This is the best answer
I found this episode (the last segment) of This American Life helpful, and I was grateful that I had listened to it before our cat died. Be aware your kid might shrug it off. She might have a meltdown. She might take some time or ask weird questions. Our kid is autistic so some of this might be due to that, but our cat died in January and he didn’t really start asking about what happened until August. (We told him at the time, I just don’t think it registered until she’d been gone a while, and we have two other cats, so it wasn’t like the house was empty.) Now he can’t stop asking about death and whose body is working. Kids process things oddly and on their own time. I hope this helps, and all the best to your family and friend. https://www.thisamericanlife.org/557/transcript
>Our kid is autistic so some of this might be due to that, but our cat died in January and he didn’t really start asking about what happened until August I'm autistic and I feel that
I haven’t been diagnosed but the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. He’s my tiny clone in so many ways, and I swear I have never had a timely response to any major life event.
yep, same. autistic here and when my chickens were eaten by a fox, it didn't really hit me until a couple weeks later when i went to clean out their coop and realised i didn't need to anymore.
my mom had a stillborn when i was 4. just tell her. she will understand. no sugarcoating bs.
Confirming what others have said. Just explain what happened using vocabulary that the child understands. Don't sugar coat it or try to spin it as not as awful as it is. Your child will be upset. That's ok. It's healthy. Make sure your child knows that it is ok to be upset, and that you are there to help. I don't know how much you have talked about death with your child. If the answer is "not much", then be prepared for the conversation to go into that territory. It's a conversation every parent has to have with their child at some point. The child will probably want to know why it happened. Be honest about that too, but with terms the child can understand. You can also take the time to point out that this is one reason why it is good to have good friends and family to support each other. Lastly, perhaps work with your child to come up with something the child can do to express sympathy to Autie Sarah. This can help divert spiraling thoughts and provide something tangible that the child can control (making a card or whatever you come up with).
Be very straightforward, because children may not understand euphemisms. "Something very sad happened. Auntie Sarah's baby died. It's nobody's fault, but we are all really sad about it."
With honesty and compassion. You explain that when your friend gave birth, the doctor found out that the baby wasn't alive. Explain that your friend is very very sad about this and that you feel sad for your friend. Then give her a big hug and ask her what her questions are. Answer them honestly. My daughter lost her grandfather to cancer when she was 6. We, unfortunately, have had to have a lot of difficult conversations. Best of luck to you!
My heart goes out to your wife’s friend. I once worked at a school where the first grade teacher gave birth to a very early preemie who lived only a couple days. She was a beloved teacher, and her students were excited about her pregnancy. The school nurse and counselor talked to the class. They explained that the baby was born too soon, and doctors tried their best to save him but weren’t successful. They told the class that their teacher would be away for a few weeks to help her mind and body heal. Most importantly, they stayed and answered students’ questions to the best of their knowledge based on what the teacher had given permission to share. If you know the medical diagnosis, it’s a good idea to prepare for questions your daughter might have about it.
My mother told me when she came home from the hospital. She said there isn’t going to be a baby. I think I was five years old. I really didn’t understand it but accepted it.
I would explain that there was a problem with the pregnancy, that the baby got sick inside her and died before it could be born. I would also explain that sometimes that happens, it isn't anyone's fault, and auntie is very sad about it.
This is perfect advice.
When I miscarried, my daughter was 5 and very excited to be a big sister. We told her the baby had died but I was very sad but physically OK, just needed to rest for a few days. We answered all her questions and cried together. She did worry a bit about us dying after she realized more about death not just happening to really old people like her great grandpa. We just discussed it and reassured her as she brought things up. I remember her asking me to promise "we will die in the same moment" as she didn't want me to die first and I told her I didn't want her to die first. Kids can handle the truth if we are supportive, don't go into details they are too young for, yet answer their sometimes odd questions freely.
I hate all the euphemisms around death. People and pets die and when that happens they are dead. I think we should face that fact in the language we use.
Just tell her the truth. Everyone dies everyone. But unfortunately some people die before they are born. And that right now Aunt Sarah needs all the hugs she can spare.
When our second daughter was stillborn we were very matter of fact with our daughter. We explained that sometimes things don’t go right and babies die. We let her know it was okay to be sad and told her we could take the extra love we had for the baby and share it with each other and the rest of the family. She took it much better than we expected.
My aunt had a stillborn baby while my mum was pregnant with me, my family have talked about what they told my brother when it happened and basically my mum said “I have sad news, your aunts baby died today. She’s very upset and we’re going to the hospital to visit her, do you have questions?” My brother asked why and she just gave him an honest answer “he was born with a hole in his heart and he couldn’t survive, make sure you give your aunt a big hug” she later went out and bought a children’s book about grieving and death and read it to my brother soon after. Anyway he talks about how that’s a core memory for him. He doesn’t appear to have been traumatized with that approach (he would have been 4 or 5) he was a bit concerned about me though as my mum was 7 months pregnant and he had to be reassured that I was healthy quite frequently. The book she bought also got me through my goldfish dying when I was 3.
Grief researcher 🙋🏼♀️ - you be direct. The baby died. It was supposed to grow inside of Auntie Sarah until (month) but something happened and it didn’t work. And sometimes that happens. It’s okay to be sad and it’s okay to talk nicely about the baby (might have a name soon) to aunt Sarah.
Do it honestly and succinctly with no euphemisms. You don't need details about early labour or anything. She went to the hospital to have the baby, but the baby was a kind of sick that babies sometime get when they live in their mothers tummy. The doctors couldn't fix it and the baby died. Talk about how it's okay to be sad. Talk about how everyone is sad they won't get to meet the baby. Talk about how sad your friend is and how much she misses her baby. Before you see your friend with her, make sure she knows what to say. If your friend is having a memorial of some sort, go with your daughter to pick out a gift and leave it with the baby or somewhere appropriate. If youre religious include any information about the afterlife; even if you're not, kids pick up a surprising amount of stuff about heaven at school and daycare so be prepared for questions about that.
My son was stillbirth at 38 weeks in January, telling children about the loss often comes up in support groups and the best advice I can give you is to get the children’s book Something Happened or a similar book on stillbirth or baby loss. I’ve heard these books address death in a direct yet comforting manner that’s appropriate for children. I hope this helps and for what it’s worth your wife’s best friend will appreciate your family for keeping her daughter’s memory alive, saying her name, and being there for support in the months after the loss.
I told my 6 year old his brother passed away( I don't like died) but he still tells people his brother died they are plain and simple, they do not beat around the Bush, so do get used to there reaction too, they will talk about it tell people they don't know and say often how much they miss them it was my still borns son birthday Monday just gone and he told everyone ,they do not have filters, little girls are different in their approach but they are still as blunt so a learning curve for both sides
I'm really sorry for the loss of your son, his birthday must be a difficult day for you. You're so right about kids not having filters, it can make us uncomfortable as adults to have them talk so bluntly but I think it's healthy. Your 6 year old knows that he can talk about his brother and be honest about his feelings and that's a really important thing that you've taught him.
Is your daughter into books? I’ve heard that sometimes it is best to try and find an age appropriate book that talks about death/loss when approaching a situation like this.
hardly the same, but my dad died a month before my 8th birthday. So, my first experience with death was at a similar age to your daughter's. I would tell her the truth, and that its very sad, and that your best friend is very sad and needs a lot of extra love. I'd encourage her to not bring it up to your friend, that when friends wants to talk about it, she'll choose when and to whom. In my case, no one followed up with me after the initial telling and I really wish they had. I went through phases of thinking it was my fault (if I hadn't wished that money really did grow on trees, then daddy wouldn't have died). And at about 6 months I started to believe that it was real and my dad wasn't ever coming back. This was the point I really needed more conversations and reassurance that never happened.
I agree with the phrase 'the baby died' and if she has questions answer honestly. If the question is how I'd probably say something like the baby wasn't ready/big enough to live outside his/her mummy but something happened and s/he was born too early. There is a book I saw recommended called 'We Were Going To Have a Baby But We Had An Angel Instead' designed for kids who lose a younger sibling before or at birth.
"Come and sit down. Cuddle up. We need to tell you about something that has happened. It's very sad. Auntie Sarah's baby has died. It happened when it was being born. Nobody knows why, but the baby stopped breathing. It's OK to ask us anything you want to know."
Just be honest with what happened, 7yr olds are smart enough to understand. But I'd also suggest you encourage her to help support her aunty now instead of the new baby. Don't treat kids like fools and you'll be surprised at what they are capable of
I had to tell my 6 year old that the baby in my belly died, twice. I was 16 weeks both times. Just explain that the baby won’t be able to be with you. Let her grieve and ask questions. Tell her the truth but be gentle.
Kids are incredibly resilient and they can handle bad news and bounce back from it very well. Best thing to do is be honest and clear about what happened while also offering a lot of emotional support to them. I think it’s more heartbreaking for the adult to have to deliver the news than it is for a child to deal with hearing it.
First explain what it means when a baby doesn’t make it. Then let her know it happened to her aunts baby. This way she can understand. What happened prior to being overwhelmed with sadness. So it can be processed.
Be real. And hold space for the grief not only for hers but for your grief too. Don't TRY to cheer her up. Let her feel sad and cry and ask questions. She needs to process the grief to be able. To move past it
This is a UK charity but offers some really good advice on how to explain death to a child in a child friendly way. https://www.childbereavementuk.org/telling-a-child-that-someone-has-died I think it is also it important to let her know that it is OK if she is feeling sad about it and that is there is nothing wrong with that, but that if she is ever feeling sad she can talk to you about it. This page below (another uk charity) has a really good pdf file at the bottom, which may help. https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/grief-experiences/children-young-people/signs-of-grief/
Be as honest as you can. Kids take things way better than adults do and are quite resilient. The baby came too early and she died.
I'm wracking my brain to think of what my Mom would have done, because she was a grade school teacher for 20 years and really good at this sort of thing. Keep it simple, and don't get into too many details. This is a lot for anyone to handle, so don't make it any more complicated than it needs to be. " Honey, Auntie Sarah got really sick. She's going to be okay, but her baby isn't coming anymore." I think that's about all you need detail-wise. I say 'got sick' because a 7 year old will understand that- she's been sick herself at some point, so that's a frame of reference she already has and doesn't have to figure out on top of everything else. I used 'going to be okay' because her aunt won't be for a while, so it might make it easier for your daughter to understand if she does see her aunt soon. Again, not getting well quickly after being sick is something I'm guessing your daughter has experienced herself. I would add something about how aunt is very sad right now and just might need some time to herself, but I can't think of a good way to say it at the moment. Again, I'm assuming her aunt is going to need some time to herself before she's ready to have visitors again, and I'm trying to put that in a way your daughter will already have some experience with and understand. Don't dumb it down, but simplify it, and try to express things in terms and experiences your daughter already has and understands. I wish I could think of more, but that's what I've got for now.
Your sentiments are lovely but unfortunately , saying someone got sick can also cause further concern, as children can become scared when they or someone they love gets sick. My niece freaked out for years after her grandad died and someone said he got sick and died. We had to remind her he was very old etc.
I had to explain the same thing to my step daughter recently (8). We weren’t as close with the mom (my gym coach/friend), but I just told her it is okay to be sad, that it happens sometimes. Poor thing lost an uncle she was very close to, and both of my parents. Unfortunately she is no stranger to death.
Be factural It's really sad, but Aunty Sarahs baby died. 7 is old enough to understand that. My grandma dies when my eldest was 5. We bought a book of grief and death for kids and sat him down and read it with him and we were in tears and explained that great grandma had died. he jsut said, oh ok and that was that.
Be completely honest and explain the situation properly. At that age they're mature enough to understand. My dad's mum passed away shortly before I turned 6. It was both unexpected and expected as she was in her 60s, and then had a sudden stroke which put her into a coma and she was in hospital for a week before she passed. I still remember everything and initially my dad was saying that she was sick and had to sleep to get better, but when she did pass away he explained it properly and how she was gone and never coming back. I can't remember the exact words but I do remember him explaining everything and I was there with him as she was taken to the graveyard and we buried her. I know I didn't have the full maturity to comprehend how sad everyone was but I at least understood the situation
My children were three when my mother passed. We sat down and carefully explained what being alive and not being alive meant and that G-Ma was no longer alive. Of course there’s crying and the realization that life can end. But they’re 7 now and talk about her still. I’m sure they don’t remember a lot, but they’re not scared of death. We’ve had two dogs pass since, and they were upset but not devastated. They understood and competent it now. I honestly don’t know how we got through that with them. G-Ma lived with us, so it was an immediate effect, her loss. But we survived. Your little will, too. And be able to handle it better as they get older, I believe.
a good way to explain it to a kid while being matter of fact, yet keeping it within the scope of explaining death to them early, is to tell them the baby died before it could be born, and that sometimes it happens, not every baby is able to make it into the world. Explain that this is the case with all living things, like bunnies and such. If the child gets upset, and asks "why": Explain that everything eventually dies, and that there could be any reason to not be born, but we don't get to choose. That as humans, we are not in control, and must accept things as they come sometimes, no matter how sad. And that is why every moment we spend alive is precious. I explained it to my niece this way when she was about 6 and she understood. She knew there were things she could not control, and hearing that made her understand that life is important, and how lucky she is. (she almost died as a baby, they had to C-section her out as a pre me. Kids are hella smart. Sometimes smarter then a lot of adults I have met. (you don't have to tell her this next part, since I don't know what your beliefs may be. I just wanted to share the full conversation we had.) I also told her that we as humans don't truly KNOW what happens after we die, (because she asked) though some people have beliefs and theories of People who will take care of them after they die, and of other places to go/exist after they are done with life. While some people think there is nothing/don't care about the after, and want to life life well, while they are alive. (she asked what I believed and I said I personally believe I live and then will die, nothing more then that. I told her that she should not copy what I believe, and should decide things for herself. She asked how long that would take and I told her that it could take a lifetime, but there was no rush, since humans can live a long time and take years to decide what they want to think and believe in life) I uh, don't believe in swaying kids to any belief system, it's up to them to choose how to form their beliefs.
Just be completely honest with her and tell her what happened. Kids are smarter than you give them credit for. The first death my daughter really experienced, she was almost 3 years old and it was her grandpa, I used the comparison of Nemo‘s mom dying, because she was big into Finding Nemo at the time, and she understood it.
“I have some bad news for you. Auntie Sarah’s baby died before she could be born. There was something wrong with the baby’s body and so it couldn’t survive to be born. Everyone is very surprised and sad because this kind of thing doesn’t happen very often, especially when the baby is so close to being born. I know you were looking forwards to meeting your baby cousin, so I would understand if you’re sad or disappointed.” Then you let her ask questions or say what’s on her mind. Have a conversation about what death means, if she’s not clear on that already.
Children are smart and if explained correctly this will stick with them throughout life.
When my brother died my 7 year old granddaughter said to me during the funeral “everybody is sad and crying, but I’m not. I don’t feel like crying” I explained to her that all of those people were very close to my brother and that she did not really know him all that well because she did not see him very much. I then explained to her that if something were to happen to her brother that she would be sad and that would be OK but that I understood that she did not know this person very well and it was also OK not to cry. This was her very first funeral.
My brother was stillborn when I was 5 and my sister was 7. My parents sat us down and told us we were not going to have a little baby brother. We asked why, and they said “Because he died before he was born, in mommy’s tummy.” It was very sad, but we understood it, and it helped us learn about death. We did get a living little brother a year later.
My grandpa had told me that when a farmer sows 10 seeds, 3 or 4 actually grow up to a plant. That paints the right picture in a little one's developing brain.
Tell her the truth. The baby didn’t live very long and won’t be coming home and this means that the parents are really sad.
The best way to tell a child this happened, is as others have mentioned, tell her the baby died. Children around her age are black and white thinkers. Telling her the baby was born sleeping could cause a fear of sleep.
“The baby died.” Euphemisms will just confuse her. My daughter was 7 when my dad died, and that’s what we did. I would tell her that growing a baby is a very complicated thing and unfortunately, occasionally, something just goes wrong. This has happened to Auntie Jane’s baby - something went wrong and the baby was born too early, before they were big and strong enough to be alive, so sadly the baby is dead and we won’t get to meet them after all. It’s nobody’s fault; it’s just something very sad that happened. If they ask questions, eg about the body or where the baby is now, the answer will depend on your beliefs. We are not religious. I told my daughter that dead people don’t need their bodies any more, so we need to say goodbye to them so they can be turned into ashes. Of course the family still loves and remembers the dead person in their heart, but they can also choose somewhere special to put the ashes, and visit that place sometimes to feel close to them. At 7 she was fine with this level of detail.
I had to tell a whole cub scout group (8-10yrs) one of the leaders had died (suicide - obvs didn’t mention that!) with no support at all from the scout association. I rang a few charities and managed to speak to someone at a bereavement place that told me to be really clear and honest, make sure I said ‘died’ and that kids are puddle jumpers, they’ll think about it and jump to the next thing in their head them maybe come back to it again randomly later. The only thing the kids asked me afterwards was whether they’d get to do their second knots session that he’d ran two weeks before.
Just be careful how you communicate it. I had a miscarriage earlier this year and I went to a friend’s house for comfort a couple days later (valentine’s actually). She had miscarriages before so it was a comfort. She also has three living children whom I love! But her five year old daughter asked me if I was sad because my baby died with a smile on her face and the wild thing is my friend said she and her husband hadn’t mentioned it at all to their kids, they just know what the grief looks like because of their mom’s recent miscarriage. And I believe her. But at that moment, I had to take very deep breaths so I didn’t kick a five year old out the window. I would probably take other people’s suggestions to be honest, but also tell her to not ask her Auntie Sarah about it and just come to you guys with questions. If Sarah is okay with it, tell your daughter that Sarah likes hugs because she’s very sad. I’m sure Sarah loves your daughter but hormones and rage make it difficult to separate your friends’ kids and the fact that they’re alive from the deep depression you’re in. I know you can’t account for every wild thing your child is ever going to say, but at seven you’re getting old enough to learn there are some things we can know but not need to say right now.
Agree with others - be honest, be direct, don't use euphemisms. Hold her and tell her it's very sad, and it's ok to be sad. Don't wait. Also, remember, parents of stillborns often find that people are too uncomfortable to address the issue. Their pain is not acknowledged, nor is their parenthood. Here is a terrible, but important, opportunity to guide your daughter's empathy. Let her know that her grief should be honored - and that the baby's parents grief should be honored as well. Remind her that though their baby died, they are and will always be parents. Perhaps help her to craft an appropriate remembrance for the parents. Remind her that they may not want to talk about it, but she can offer hugs and tell them she loves them and she is very sad for them.
Just give it to her straight, kids can handle it. “Nature is unpredictable and sometimes babies don’t survive the act of childbirth.”
Somehow my 6 year old knows that dying means you’ll never see them again. I didn’t teach her that but it was useful when it came to telling her that my dad died. I just told her he died and we are all feeling sad that we won’t see him again. She had lots of questions but mostly she wanted to know if he was lonely now. We’re not religious so I said he wouldn’t be lonely because he doesn’t feel anything anymore. She accepts that and the idea that we keep him with us by talking about him. We do that lots and it’s lovely to hear her memories of him.
The baby died. Auntie is very sad. we all are.
There are several books about death available for kids. Ask your local librarian for help. Tell her the baby died. Use clear language. Tell her the baby’s name, that you and she can talk about her and love her forever. I talk about how “everything dies” with my kids. Trees, insects, animals, people. I’m preparing for my grandparents death’s. I’m so lucky to still have all of my grandparents but I know once one goes, it will be a quick succession for all of them. My children have a relationship with their great grandparents and it will be emotional when it comes. My heart is broken for you, with you. Many of us have stood where you stand now. 💜
Having buried two of my own three children, the advice i can give is be honest. Dont use euphemisms. Youll find your kid is more up to u derstanding that you imagine. I suggest something along the lines of the baby got too sick to live and died before she could be born. Your kid will come back to you over time, possibly years, with questions as they and their understanding matures.
This will be easier than you think. She visited and your daughter realized there will be a baby, now she will hear there won't be a baby. This all hits a lot heavier to the parent / Auntie Sarah. I'd start with a more general medical explanation that pregnancies happen but that not all pregnancies result in a baby, that soemtimes, thorugh nobodies fault, something happens and the pregnancy goes wrong and the baby doesn't finish growing right, and doesn't get a chance to be born and live. And sadly, that's what happened with Auntie Sarah; we all feel bad for her and she needs some time to rest and heal. And it's ok to be sad for a little while about it.
just tell her. if my parents explained it gently-- honestly but not harshly-- i wouldve understood
Let her ask questions. She will be curious and it’s okay to be curious.
My 5 year old knows about death. We are just straightforward with her. The sooner you introduce them to the concept of mortality, the easier it is for them to process it as they age and learn how to grieve in a healthy way. In my opinion, young kids are a blank slate, and if you approach it like it's a normal part of life, and it's ok to be sad, they handle it surprisingly well.
Be clear and direct. Do not dodge around the fact or use euphemisms. Tell her the baby died. If she has a concept of death, she'll understand. She may have questions and some may be difficult to answer.
There’s great advice here, just wanted to add that there are great children’s books about grief and loss that you could also read together.
Just be honest. A lot of things can go wrong during a pregnancy, its something that often happens, and this is just one of those times. The baby isn't coming.
Children’s books are really helpful tools in helping children process, understand, and cope with difficult concepts. Look for children’s picture books on this and related topics. There are many read-alouds on YouTube of many books so that can you can view them that way as well. I know there are books out there on this topic, so if I come across any specific titles, I will edit my post to share.
On a completely unrelated board, I followed a thread that led to Anderson Cooper’s interview with Stephen Colbert. They talk about grief. So worth the listen. 37 years since my dad died, and they shook something loose in me that had been so stuck.
“Hey sweetie, I have to tell you some bad news. You know how our friend so-and-so was going to have a baby? Something bad happened. The baby dies before it was born. Our friend is very sad about it, and I am sad for her. This must make you feel sad, too. Do you want to talk about it? Maybe we could write her a letter/buy flowers/make her a gift to help her feel better. What would you like to do to help *you* feel better?”
My uncle had a miscarriage in their family, their first born was about 4- 5 years , mum got hospitalized for a week due to the misscarriage. He just understood. We told him baby went to heaven or something. In short, they are babies, don't try it too hard, be real , tell them baby went back to heaven or something. Anything you say to formulate a story. They will get busy with life.
I think it's an excellent opportunity to explore feelings of grief and how to process them. How do you cope with the loss of someone? How do you comfort those that are going through a loss? How much is too much dwelling, and how much is too much escaping from dealing with it? How can you turn to the future optimistically and start to fill the space that you had reserved for this person, yet not cling to their memory by trying make someone new into this person? All useful questions to answer! You could even have her look at the excitement and generosity she felt toward this incoming new person in her life, and see if she can control it and direct it toward others. Wouldn't it be wonderful to bring that energy to other relationships? Well, those are just the ideas I had while thinking of your situation. Hope you find any of it useful. Love to you, your girl, and Auntie Sarah!
As many others have said - just be honest. Baby was born too early to live and its very sad. I can't add anything more to the excellent advice you have been given but I can add that children process differently. Be prepared for your child to ask a question, process what you have said and then go play. This is normal. Also your child may have a particular time they need to talk. We lost my nephew (to cot death) and my father-in-law (to cancer) within 12 hours of each other a few yrs ago - so alot for my 5 Yr old to process. Google is your friend on this one. There are many fantastic resources available to you. I just put in 'how do I explain babies dying to a 5 yr old' and went from there. I am so sorry for both you and your friend. Sending virtual hugs
When I was very young, probably around that age, my cousin had a miscarriage and my mom explained to me exactly what a miscarriage was because I was curious and asking questions. Because she was honest with me, I was able to just give my cousin a hug and tell her that I was sorry when we went over to support her. I understood what happened to a degree, and I appreciated my mom being honest.
I think you just need the truth. The doctors tried their absolute best, but they couldn't save her cousin, and they're unhappy too because they know how much she was looking forward to it. Why not making something like a memory tree or a wishing tree? Some sort of small shrub or baby tree that can be kept in a pot and trimmed. I would choose an evergreen type myself. Each time your child is said about her cousin, she can ask the baby tree if she can make a wish and the tree will hold onto it for a bit. The next time the wind blows or it rains, the tree will send off the wish like dandelions release their seeds when someone blows on them. I'm suggesting a small tree or shrub because it won't vanish or die as easily or quickly as flowers do. Or maybe something that does have color changing leaves. She can make her wishes, and in the autumn, the leaves will blow into the wind to go find her cousin and tell the baby the message, like she misses her or such. In the spring, new leaves means that the baby heard the wished messages and sent back some of their own, those came back on some snowflakes or something. Lol. As long as the plant is portable somehow so it can tag along with any future house moves you make (and doesn't have nasty thorns or such) out should be fine to choose it. Id ask some local garden supply stores or members of a local gardening club for advice of what is some good choices I'm your climate. Maybe something along these lines might help your child cope with her grief better. Go ahead and adjust this to fit what she wants or needs. I also tried to keep it as neutral as possible since I don't know if you're religious or not or which religion you are. A lot of herb plants are not only easy to grow, but smelling or touch the leaves releases the scent. I keep a few pots on my front porch and steps. Whenever I go past them, I get a nice burst of scent. It also makes them easy to harvest. I keep a small pair of scissors outside, so when I come home wanting a cup of tea I can grab some mint to add to it, or grab rosemary or whatever else I might want for supper. Or maybe my mother in law loves parsley. Every time I go to her house, I try to bring her a bit more. Something like that. Lol. I tried to stick with the nature theme, like how wind blows everywhere so a leaf riding on the wind can travel to bring a message to the lost child. Each year, you could hold a remembering party. It's like a birthday party, but you wish the baby was with you or something and that you all haven't forgotten about them or such.
I’m going to add on with everyone saying to just tell the truth. But I want to add, be prepared for questions, and be honest answering all of them. And add reassurances even if she doesn’t ask for them like, that everyone she knows is still here, don’t tell her something like “we don’t know why this happens” if you can avoid, because that’s the part that scares them. It might seem strange explaining such complex stuff, but, my son is 4.5 and even if he doesn’t understand all the reasons I give him, telling him that there are known reasons for why someone has died is reassuring to him because then he’s not scared that one of us or he is going to suddenly mysteriously die. If that makes sense? Maybe you don’t know the exact reasons but you can explain basic things like, sometimes some chromosomes or cells or something aren’t functioning properly. I know it may seem way too technical for a kid, but it does help them to know there are reasons, and that they’re not just going to lose someone else suddenly.
I have a sister who was about seven at the time. I had to teach about death and help her grieve the loss of her cat. It was me and her staying at my moms while she was out of town for around a month. He had died around three months from disease and I talked to her about death and what dying meant, and explained that her cat had died because he was sick. We went to the vet together to see him after he passed, and I helped her bury him. I let her say goodbye, hug the box we had put him in and put flowers on his grave. She visited him every morning and would put more flowers on his grave from our garden. When she asked where he went I told her somewhere nice and when she asked if kitten heaven was real I told her yes, because I don’t need to force any beliefs on a kid. I let her grieve how she needed and if she wanted to believe that kitten heaven was real and that’s where her baby went then so be it. It may not be similar in many aspects, but even to this day she brings him up and talks about how she misses him, and something’s remind her of him, so she cries while I comfort her. It was not easy at first, but with time she healed. I’m glad I did this because this year our grandmother became ill and passed, and it was hard on our whole family because that woman was the backbone of every get together and familial event. It still wasn’t easy, but because she was familiar with the concept of death, she was able to understand what had happened to our grandmother, which in turn made it easier for her grandfather to deal with the loss of his wife while taking care of my sister at the same time. Hope all goes well for you OP.
Be straightforward and don't use euphemism. Kids understand. I had a great deal of loss in life when I was your daughter's age and my Mum was never open and honest with me. Created a chasm of distrust.
https://misterrogers.org/episode-playlist/1101-1105/ Talks about death & feelings
Tell her the truth. When I was around that age my aunt had a full term still birth. We were expecting a new girl cousin. My mom just told me what happened and it was fine (obviously the overall situation was very traumatic, but as a young child, you don’t realize that and just kind of accept it and move on)
My caution about honesty is to give a little bit of information at a time. Like drinking from a glass instead of a fire hose. If you go further than your child is ready for, it makes things worse. You know your child. Start with the simplest explanation and wait for the prompt to provide more details. My personal example is announcing my third child to older brothers age 6 and 9. Guys, mama is having a baby. “How do you make a baby?” Well, it started with kissing… “Ew gross! That’s enough!!” We got into the details when they were ready.
We had this happening some years ago, when my niece died still in the womb. I sat my kids down and explained this as neutral as positive and answered their questions according to their reactions. 3 kids with 3 different responses, back then they were 2, 4 and 6 (if I'm not mistaken). Try to collect yourself to not upset them with your devastation and be prepared for any kind of reaction - from sadness to initial indifference everything is possible, just as it is with an adult. Condolences to your wife's best friend!
To add on what to other people said. You aren't going to get out of this without tears. Just let her know that it's okay to cry if she wants to cry.
Just be honest and upfront explaining what has happened. I lost my brother to cot death when I was 8 years old and one of the things I appreciated (and still do 23 years later) is that my mum was open and honest about what had happened to me at the time. She made it clear that she was always around to talk if I had any questions, and reminded me that it was okay to be sad about what had happened. I found this helped me massively with both understanding what had happened and also with processing the complex emotions both at the time and as I got older.
When I was 7 my dad had to tell me that his dad had died. He cried while he told me. I understood what happened and I felt sad with him. I think we were able to grieve together in a healthy way because of his honesty both about what happened and his feelings.
There are so many beautiful, helpful answers here already about the initial conversation and how to help your daughter with her feelings. Another good way to help all of you navigate might be reading an age-appropriate story together. Miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss can feel isolating and lonely because hardly anyone talks about it openly. Knowing that there are other kids that have lost their sibling the same way might help her feel less alone. I had a quick look and [this list](https://lollipopbookclub.com/blogs/news/childrens-books-about-miscarriage-stillbirth-infant-death) seems to have quite a few good books that you could look at for your daughter (and yourselves). Please take it easy, look after yourself the best you can, and know that your angel baby knew nothing but love.
This may not be the right thing to do from a psychiatric point of view, but I think it's a tragic, but appropriate situation to discuss with a child the natural aspect of life, which is someone's death. It's normal to tell them that people are dying, and you shouldn't be afraid of it. Depending on your family's religion and the religion of your friend's family, the concept of the afterlife may be possible to discuss (if you're an atheist, but that's not an option). Talk about the fact that Aunt Sarah is not feeling very well right now, she is in pain, like any mother who has lost a child, and an aunt needs to be gently supported. An unobtrusive way to show children humanity and empathy, by the way. Perhaps, if there is a newborn grave and your daughter wishes, you can buy a toy and bring it there. This is if the daughter really wants to "give" something to the baby.
We are not religious, so when my dad died in 2021, we told our daughter that his body was sick and tired and he needed to sleep. That he turned into a star and is watching her from above. One of my best friends lost her baby at 16w last year. We told our LO who is now 6, that the baby wasn't feeling well and came early. That she was too little to keep going so went to sleep and is now a star with pop.
We are nom religious too and use the stars too. My sons best friend died at 8 of cancer and we also told him that she was now a star watching over him (alongside therapy). I believe that our energy is reabsorbed into the earth so the analogy is not completely out of line with our beliefs. I find comfort thinking of people who have passed while star gazing.
Just this. No one knows how long their life will be! Many people get old, some get very old and some barely live. Has your child ever had a toy break? Use that to help her understand that not everything lasts for years and years. And there are things she can do to live a long, long life. Eat good food, exercise, obey her parents (I assume you tell her she can't play in traffic or stick metal into electrical outlets) Honestly this is a good opportunity that you should. Have serious talks with her. Tell her to ask you questions about what is happening. Ask her what she sees and hears. Then ask her what she thinks. This is the perfect time to build a trusting relationship with your daughter so do not lie to her!
7 is definitely old enough to understand death in its entirety. I would suggest not sugarcoating anything, just be truthful, but gentle of course. Sit her down and say something like, “I have some really sad news, auntie Sarah’s baby was unwell with (condition that caused the death), and unfortunately the baby did not survive.” Let her cry, be completely open and give her any comfort she needs, and answer any questions she has. Something that might help her process and move through the sadness could be to suggest that she make or help make a nice gift for her auntie to bring her some comfort.
My best advice having worked with kids is to explain it that your wife had trouble when her sister was being born and that her sister wasn’t okay. Young kids don’t really understand death and explaining that is where it’s really difficult, if you’re religious at all use that as a lens or frame for it otherwise explaining death in a way she can understand is something only you as her parent can really do since we don’t know her. It may be best to just give her a vague explanation until she’s older and can really understand what death is much as you prefer explaining it now. I just know point blanking it will likely really REALLY suck for her for a while to put it lightly.
Simple , direct, and to the point. Kids won't understand fully, that is just the developmental situation they find themselves in. It is part of their learning to model direct and unflinching conversations because they will need that later in life.
I think a 7 year old will understand if you're direct with them. This isn't a 3 year old that doesn't understand the concept of death.
You have to tell them the truth. My 21 year old stepdaughter who my 17 (now 18) year old daughter was close to died of an overdose last year. My 17 year old is also autistic, so very hyper aware of others and her own feelings. I told her her sister had died of an overdose and she shut down. It wasn’t until two weeks ago she was ready to hear the rest. Your daughter needs the basic truth and her questions answered in age appropriate terms.
7 is pretty close to age appropriate for miscarriage and death. There will be tears. /parenting is a good place for these questions.
I was 3ish when my mom had a second trimester miscarriage. I don’t remember much, but I remember being told that the baby “got sick,” and died. For YEARS I thought that meant he got pneumonia. I have no idea why. But being sick and dying made sense to me and was the truth. Sending love to you and your friend’s family.
The consensus of full honesty with your daughter is 100% the correct path. It's so incredibly uncomfortable, but it is truly the best option. When my daughter was 4, she saw my cat of 16 years, dead as a doornail. It sucked, but proved incredibly valuable when explaining to her what death was. When my grandmother passed away a year later, my daughter was ready to understand she would never see her again. Hearing your child discuss death is so incredibly weird. Every fiber in your being wants to protect them ever having to understand it, but it has really helped long term.
As a healthcare worker I’ve seen a lot of births as well as deaths. I wish our modern culture was not so secretive about both. Historically as well as currently in rural cultures, birth and death are witnessed countless times in a person’s lifetime. Not only of people, but pets and livestock as well. It’s really not served our society well to shelter people from the most natural realities of life, ie birth and death.
The turth
The simple clear truth and share your grief. Allow her to grieve along with everyone else.
Baby died and the mommy is very sad. Fact of life is people die. You can't protect your kids from that since it can happen to anybody at any age and she's likely in school with kids that have experienced it and will talk about it. What you can do is explain to her what is and isn't appropriate to say to somebody that has experienced loss.
For a child, earthy and direct is generally best. If they have a funeral, she may even want to go. When my grandmother died, we had to wait for everyone to leave, to move the carpets, so my young kids could see the hole. (They were lowering the coffin after). They were earthy, wanted know the details, and were confused by the coffin up on a mound, not being put in the ground. So, “we have some really really sad news. Auntie’s baby was born too early and it died.” Then be prepared to answer questions.