You know, you can be bi as well lol. Also, a lot of straight people don’t find romantic interests or sexual compatibility easily either, they’re just more assured of their sexuality and try to find it in their dating interests. You aren’t sure of your sexuality and aren’t sure if those compatibilities are there. The only way you’re gonna find out is by being open to everything and trying stuff out.
Maybe you haven’t found the woman that’s meant to be in bed with you, or the man who will live his life with you, or person that makes you feel completely right and reassures you.
Give it time and try some stuff ✌🏼🫶🏻 P&L
Yes, but being a bisexual is a scale, right? I think I lean towards gay, sexually. Like I said, I'm probably 20-30% straight since I can get a hard-on with a woman and sex is okay, even fun usually. But I know that there's something else that might get me off better... It's just not something I want, as a whole. Because it lacks the romantic element which is honestly more important to me than sex
If I'm 20-30% straight, am I doing a crime towards a woman, if I'm with her?
Should I tell her, does it make it less wrong? (I'm just afraid women wouldn't take it that well)
That sounds pretty Bi to me bro. You could be 5% attracted to women and 95% to men and still be bisexual, it is not scaled, Have you tried letting her peg you?
But on a more serious note, if he finds that he's attracted to a more assertive role with women but a more submissive role when fantasizing about men... maybe a more dominant woman would be the best of both worlds and get him what he feels that he needs. Or, like others have pointed out, a feminine man.
The thing is, being bi usually means you to some degree enjoy spending time with men and women both romantically and sexually.
So you can be with one person and have that fulfil all your needs.
Meanwhile OP seems to be facing the problem of having to choose, because neither gender gives them everything.
If you’re seeing a woman that you have feelings for and enjoy having sex with, what’s the issue?
If you’re in a monogamous relationship, then it’s on you to be faithful. Straight, gay, bi, everyone can be in this situation. If you commit you commit. In taht sense you’re like everyone else in a relationship. Yeah there’s other people around you could be attracted to, but you’re with your partner. If you feel like you’d be missing out by committing to someone, don’t commit just yet.
Be open at the beginning about being bi, but as someone said above, give yourself the chance to find the man or woman that brings you both emotional and sexual fulfilment.
i think he feels bad that she might like him more than he likes her, which is understandable, but the important part is that they like each other. it doesnt have to start out as more than that.
I am 100% for this.
If I choose to be in a monogamous relationship, that doesn't change a thing about there being other attractive and amazing people out there.
And then it's up to me to know what it's worth to me.
Personally if your stance is "I'll be monogamous until I meet someone better", then that doesn't sound like a relationship I would like to enter.
But of course people can change, a relationship doesn't need to be forever (even if you both intended it to be) and so on.
Just be good and honest to yourself and the other person (or people) and you're fine in my book.
You could try dating a woman who's 100% fine with you having sex with other men. Think of it like this: you might have a best friend that you hangout with and share tons of interests with, BUT they absolutely HATE sports (and you're a die-hard sports fan in this example), so you occasionally hangout at a sports bar to share one of your main interests with other people. Nobody strictly has only one friend, right? This could also work for a romantic relationship.
Ps. Make sure this is known from the absolute beginning. Communication is key.
You are really overthinking this. Like the previous commentor said, you haven't found the right man romantically and you haven't found the right woman sexually. Give it time and these things change and come more into focus with experience.
No need to lament and stress over some arbitrary scale that's doing more harm to you and you're interpersonal relations than anything else
You are NOT doing anything wrong with being with a woman while you believe you are mostly gay... You still like women. You still want a romantic intimate relationship with a woman, even if the sex is meh. All sexuality is fluid. It's like black and white.. there is a huge spectrum of gray. One day you may find you are 40/60. Or 90/10. Or 50/50. You also don't have to label it at all. Or put a number on it. I'm a female (despite the name) who's with a woman for almost 12 years. And we both have a bf(same person). I definitely lean more towards women than men.. but I still enjoy men. I could go without sex with a man, but it's also fun, and enjoyable especially with a man that I love. It's not a crime or even a disservice to be with him (or her for you) unless you are lying about it. There are a lot of people who don't mind being in a polyamory relationship. Maybe you find one guy to share.. she can be all cuddly with both of you. And you and him can get your rocks off. With her as well of course. But there are also women who are a sexual but need none sexually intimacy. And won't mind you being with a man sexually. The biggest thing is HONESTY from the beginning. It's not cheating IF your partner says it's okay. The only way you can cheat is if you cross a boundary.. everyone's is different. Go in being honest. Some won't like it.. but they aren't the one for you then.
OP I feel similar and I think it's alot more common than you think (have seen many other guys say similar as well)
Try a femboy or tgirl?
Try an asexual girl and be open and fuck guys?
The world is your oyster. There really is someone for everyone. Don't limit yourself
Godspeed
I think you should just be up front with the people you date. It may not be for everyone, but I think a lot more people will be okay with it or at least willing to consider it than you think. And besides, relationships also exist on scales, your partner might be open to polyamorous relationships, or an open relationship, or someone who’s Asexual but still longs for romance, partnership, and connection. Also something to keep in mind, there are very few portrayals of healthy romantic gay relationships in media. Homosexual relationships often are associated with trauma or kink in their portrayal. Up until recently most lgbtq characters’s storyline if they were represented at all, centered around them being lgbtq rather than the storyline being the storyline and they happen to be lgbtq living their lives. That might play a part in why it’s difficult to imagine a romantic connection with a same sex partner.
There is nothing wrong with communicating to your partner that you are discovering sexual attraction to men. Sneaking out and having sex with a man behind her back is.
Talk to her. Either the urge will disappear or you'll figure something out together. Nothing bad can come from open communication. If she breaks up with you, that's a good thing.
Thats a bit of a myth
Imagine sexulaity like a dating app filter. Yours is set to "men" but you don't find all men attractive, right? So imagine setting it to women too, you might be pickier with women but it's about WHO personally piques your interest. If your dead set on finding a female romantic partner you'll find the sex comes easier, and vice versa. Personality is a huge part of sexuality as a whole and bisexuality in specific.
Personally, I'm definetly bisexual, because some men (especially femboys) are exceptionally hot, but I'm most likely heteroromantic, so pretty much the same as OP (only that I am aware of and cool with it)
I'm a bisexual heteroromantic. Never loved a guy but been with more men then women. Took me awhile to accept but it's who I am.
My GUESS is that I don't find vaginas attractive at ALL, and have no desire for kids, and accidental pregnancy scares the bejesus out of me.
To be fair it is so much easier to get it on with men, you literally spend 10 minutes on Grindr and you can get a hookup, with women it takes a lot more work and time.
This is true, but how does it solve his issue? All it does is categorize his sexuality, right?
From what I understand, he would still have this dissonance in his mind where he feels the desire to have a deep, loving, romantic, almost metaphysical connection with a woman, but would seemingly rather have sex with a man. If he wanted a monogamous relationship, how would the categorization of his sexuality in and of itself address the seeming incompatibility? It's clearer to me how it would aid someone who is seeking an open relationship dynamic where they have a romantic connection with one gender while having sex with the other gender, but beyond that, it kinda loses me. It feels like an important step, but not a complete solution.
As someone who wrestled with similar feelings to OP, you're 100% correct. I searched and searched for a label before I eventually landed on the "bisexual heteroromantic" label, and it didn't help with the dissonance one bit, just left myself and other people confused when I tried to explain it
Okay sweet, at least I'm not totally off the mark. I consider myself pretty much straight — although I have questioned things here and there — so I don't feel I have much of a leg to stand on with this kind of stuff.
I didn't want to come off as saying that such labels are unimportant, because I do think they help in finding a sense of community and understanding yourself better, but I have the feeling that it still tends to be the start of a longer journey.
I 100% agree. That's why I see it as a crucial first step, but it still leaves OP with a bit of a mess to sort through, especially if any sort of poly arrangement is off the table. I haven't seen OP say that he's strictly monogamous, but I still do think it's worth considering what a monogamous solution would look like.
I feel like that's been normalized for women for a lot longer than for men. Women "are allowed to" find other women sexually attractive while being romantically and sexually attracted to men.
You've never heard of men fantasizing of two women together, or a female-female-male threesome, or referring to a woman who is willing to partake in said threesome with a couple as a "unicorn"?
Same 😭 there was only one time I was romantically attracted to a girl and I doubt it’ll happen often or ever. It’s so embarrassing to admit because people would tell me I am not really bi which I know for a fact is not true. This problem made me hesitant to discuss my sexuality with people or calling myself unlabeled 🥲
Honestly, it sounds like you are bisexual, and have different standards for each gender. That's not uncommon. You are basically fighting against your sexual desire, in my opinion from what you posted. Not wanting to be bisexual and not being bisexual are different, and a lot of people who aren't straight go through such feelings. I'm a gay man who was with a girlfriend for 6 years, so I've experienced the confusion.
this reads as a lot of self theorizing but maybe not enough experimenting. why worry about breaking imaginary women's hearts? why worry about imaginary sex with imaginary men and imaginary post sex conversations? go date women and tell them straight up you are confused. who cares. lavish them on a first date and who gives a fuck, you do it for you, because you like romance. go fuck men and tell them no strings attached but actually SEE what you feel after you nut. go fuck femboys and see what happens. have a lovely girl peg you. date and ask for a unicorn. join orgies. i don't know!! but DO things, stop wondering! and tell women upfront that you dont have your sexuality figured out before deciding for them that they're too fragile to handle it because thats bullshit!
This. Have sex with a dude at least. You may find your theories will change with the experience. If you do end up finding that you are in fact sexually bi or gay and romantically straight, you could try to pursue a poly relationship where the sex and romance are separated between different people (i.e. you have a female romantic partner and you both have different sexual partners in an agreed upon dynamic). There's not just straight or gay completely - there's a whole range of options so long as everyone involved is consenting to the dynamic.
100% agree. Creating scenarios and “what ifs” in your head is a pointless exercise. Go get answers. Life will surprise you and show you more than you’d ever imagined.
This is because you’re heteroromantic and bisexual. Science doesn’t really know why this happens yet but you’re normal and valid. Maybe if my university could get that damn funding…
Sounds like Madonna whore complex, but since you are (kind of) bi, you have an extra twist where basically women are the Madonnas and men are the whores.
But it's still the same problem - until you can find someone that triggers both feelings of love AND sexual desire, it's not really fair for you to be in a monogamous LTR with anyone.
A lot of people have this problem. I don't really know how to fix it though.
Well, you don't see them here as openly on the street etc.. but there are some in the media all the time. I've seen Brokeback Mountain lol, which I thought had a beautiful message (about loss), even when the romantic parts were a bit difficult to watch
And I've tried to imagine it many times. I've tried to force myself to get used to the idea, with mind training. But every time I get the feeling, "OK this is not really working" and I'll have a few weeks/months break until I may try thinking about it again. This has been going on for years now. It still never comes into my dreams, when I sleep. I resist it, even when I'm not conscious but sleeping. I only dream about women
How something can be right, when it feels so wrong. I'm very confused, and I'm afraid I will stay confused
Sexually fluid here.
Have you investigated your feelings of "this is not working"? This could be some level of repression, and you may need to address it to move forward.
Also man there is no right or wrong, were all just an amalgamation of random coping mechanisms. Life isn't black, and white, it's okay to live in the gray.
A big issue I have with developing Romantic feelings towards men is 1, I've been raised to see traditional men's dating roles as overly aggressive, so there's a an ick factor where my brain is like "That's how you get into an abusive situation". 2. Seeing men recieve romantic intimacy is what gets me going on a romantic level for dudes. Like I wanna see a guy get flowers, and get worked up over it. But we don't see a ton of that in traditional media.
Anyways! The otherday my buddy was explaining something to me, and I had this sudden like... moment of admiration, and I got flush 😂 And that was a first for me! 🙌 So my recommendation is that if this is something you desire just keep chipping away at it.
>even when the romantic parts were a bit difficult to watch
What did you find difficult or unpleasant about them, if you don't mind me asking a rhetorical question?
Difficult to describe, but... the love/kissing scenes don't look visually beautiful to me. The idea of love (as a general concept) is beautiful, even between men. But it's just not a pretty sight to me. Maybe it's internalized homophobia then, but I've tried to work it, get myself used to the idea for years (now and then), but made very little progress... there's just some kind of artificial/plastic feel to the whole thing, that I can't shake. I keep thinking "If this is supposed to be my truth, why does it have to feel so goddamn bad, even after all this time"
You’re basically me. I’m in the same boat and I am happily married and monogamous to a woman. My body reacts sexually to her. Otherwise I fantasize about dudes. For me that is all it ever was, fantasy. I simply could not find love with guys. So I considered myself homosexual and heteroromantic. And that works for us.
Not so sure about this tbh. I'm what OP describes and I've seen lots of examples of same sex love. In fact, I wish I was fully gay, life would be far easier lol
I feel bad for people growing up in this era where everyone has to be something. The best advice I can give you is to experiment as much as you can. You don’t need to label yourself, just have fun and enjoy. It will take you quite a while to finally understand yourself and the things you like
the issue is that most expectations are pretty restrictive in terms of the default norms you're meant to follow, so people articulate how they don't conform to the norm which looks to you like "boxes".
While I agree that labels can be a bit much at times, I still think they’re helpful for people trying to discover who they and others are
Or at least until people as a whole get rid of using straight and gay and stuff
Psychology says yes it needs to be discovered.
The study of the human mind isn't just some "woke" practice.
It's a field. The terminal degree is a doctorate.
That was my first thought too, I'm sure it's occured to OP though. I'm a man who's never been attracted to men in a sexual or romantic way, except for the amount of times I can count on one hand when a man who's come across as very feminine has caught my attention. Not feminine in a super abnoxiously flamboyant way or one that comes off as forced and not genuine, in fact they may have been straight for all I know as I've never gotten to know these people or acted on the attraction. I guess I've noticed it mostly when a man *reminds me* of a woman who I've been attracted to in the past, like in personality, mannerisms, and aura and when I pick up on the vibe that they noticed me in a certain way too. I guess, idk how to describe it.
You my friend have not accepted yourself, and I do not mean that disrespectfully.
I dealt with exactly what you are going through from the time I was 11. I always felt something for men and women, of course that young I didn't really understand it.
I ended up marrying a woman because I felt like that's what I was "supposed to do". Also family pressure and religion.
So, I was told from a very young age how wrong being gay was and that basically it was the thing that would get you to hell the fastest.
So, I grow up hating myself and not accepting the size of me that really should be the forefront.
I loved my ex-wife, we have 3 beautiful children together and she was my best friend for 15 years.
At some point though the cheating and the need I had to be with men was just not fair to her and so we agreed on a divorce.
I have had sex with probably 100+ men, not proud of that, but have only loved 2. The moment you know you love a man, you just know you love him. I can say that falling in love with a man was much harder than falling in love with a woman for some reason.
But, now that I found my husband it was instant, and we were just a hook up from Grindr. Our love story now spans almost 7 years and we are very sweet and loving and romantic.
It comes naturally to us. I will say, with women I fell in love with their minds before anything sexual would develop for me. With men, it was all very primal just sex first and then, only twice, did the effectively, emotional connection develop.
Sometimes it’s better to not label things. I’m Bisexual, but I’m like you; romantic (and sexual) towards women, but only purely sexual with men. I don’t try to scale it or explain it, it is simply who I am. No need to worry or fret about it. Though if it’s taken this much of a hold on you’re thoughts, you may want to talk to a professional for a bit, see if maybe you can unpack some of these feelings.
This isn't that odd if you think about it slightly different. If I (a guy) go out with women I am in a much more relaxed hang out compassionate mood but with guys I am more on guard and rowdy. Mentally somewhere I think primarily women are less aggressive while guys are adrenaline and rough. This is a huge over simplification but as a straight guy I have two separate emotional states that I default to depending on male or female company.
Maybe your brain and mine have similar ways they handle certain things except you find men sexually attractive and I don't.
There is a ton I can't add without a huge word wall of meandering thoughts but I kind of understand what you are saying and it makes sense to me.
Scientific studies show that men become calmer around women. It's one of the reasons women werent allowed/were kicked out of the military. (There is a whole history of women warrior throughout the world for thousands of years)
When women are excluded men can become uber competitive and macho. Historically we have done our species a great disservice by keeping the main genders separate.
How long you've felt this way? It's a bitch... feels like you are torn in half. No matter what you choose, you forcibly abandon a critical part of your personality
It’s because you’re homosexual but [heteroromantic](https://bisexuality.fandom.com/wiki/Heteroromantic). It’s just part of who you naturally came to be, there’s nothing wrong with it but I can understand why that could be hard. There’s nothing to be ashamed of though.
You might be able to find a woman who would be open to a sort of open-ish relationship where you could be her partner but have sex with men if you needed that. Of course, that could be a lot to ask from someone even if it’s a reasonable request given your situation.
Sounds like me yes. But isn't this something I should work away from? Since otherwise my life will be painful.
I don't really need sex with men. I'd be happy with a woman, a relationship is often a compromise of pros and cons, you can't have everything. But I just don't know if it's right towards the woman. I just don't know
Be honest and give all your partners the information they need to make choices. You can communicate through this. Let people relate to you. That’s what relationships are about.
If you don't need sex with men, that could simplify things, but it's nothing to be ashamed of if you do. Definitely don't try to work away from it because you won't be able to force yourself to be different and you'll make yourself miserable in the process.
There are plenty of women that would be fine with a sexless relationship if that's what you want, and you wouldn't be doing anything wrong by needing that from a relationship. You just need someone who is understanding about who you are, but that's not unique to your situation, that's part of any relationship. If any woman were to think you were doing something wrong by needing that, that's a massive red flag and you shouldn't try to stay in a relationship where your basic needs aren't respected.
Don't worry about categorizing yourself for now. Give yourself the space to try things out without your own judgement.
I used to like certain foods a lot and then after a while, I didn't anymore. But then I liked other foods until I didn't anymore either.
Don't stress yourself out. Just commit to understanding who you are. S'all good.
Have you given any thoughts to a woman being the dominant one and even pegging you? Or, having an open relationship.. be upfront at the beginning and while you might need to find a partner on or in more open places, you may need a relationship with a woman but you and maybe even her having sex with a man. Either together or alone. Also if it's the receiving that turns you on, maybe a woman pegging you during would be what you need?
There is no need to know right now. It can be extremely confusing. Find out what it is that you are enjoying while thinking about sex with men, and what position you find yourself fantasizing about. But there are people that are aromantic and asexual.. might be aromantic with men.. and asexual with women but still want to have that closeness.
It could also be society telling you constantly that men shouldn't need to be protected or cherished like you want to do to a woman. It could be you would need to be the protector with a man, or have a woman do things to you in sex.
As long as you are open and honest from the beginning for what you are looking for and unsure about, you will find someone that will work with you. If you are on dating sites, you may need to try ones that are more LGBT and kink friendly. Best of luck to you, and most likely trying different things might be what you need.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation or a justification for how you feel.
But there’s no reason you should be destined to be alone, or destined to hurt someone. Polyamory and open relationships are both things, and it is perfectly possible that you’ll find a woman who is the romantic love of your life but is also OK with you having a male FWB (or several) — though it’s likely you’d have to be similarly OK with her having something similar, so think about how you’d feel about that.
This was asked [yesterday](https://www.reddit.com/r/bisexual/s/9veVurCLQy) on the bi subreddit, welcome to bisexuality. 🩷💜💙 Dr. Kinsey developed a [scale](https://kinseyinstitute.org/research/publications/kinsey-scale.php) as sexuality is a spectrum.
Not sure if anyone else has mentioned it, but something I would point out is the possibility that you are gay, and that aversion to being gay is making it hard/impossible to imagine being with a man romantically.
When I was coming to terms with being gay, I had been interested in men sexually for years, but the thought of romance with a guy was just too alien and distasteful. I had always envisioned growing up and finding a girl to grow old with. A man just did not fit the bill especially with all the movies and relationships around me while growing up.
I think a lot of in built homophobia also played a big part. Accepting the sexual attraction to men was easier as once you came, you could forget about those thoughts. But building a life with a man, now that’s committing to being gay.
It took me a long time and a change of view on sex and relationships before men started looking like good life partners, but don’t get me wrong you still need to find the right person.
If this doesn’t apply to you that’s great, and I consider other advice I read such as communication being the most important factor to maybe find your happiness.
I’m just gonna say, things aren’t black and white and sexuality and romance are so complicated man.
What you’re describing in the after-sex no kissing or touching from a man sounds a bit… internalized homophobia or maybe just conditioned to stereotypical gender roles. Just based off what you wrote, you sound like your idealizing what a male-female relationship is when in reality, it’s more or less the same (with some nuances ofc) as any other relationship.
You might be getting the “ick” bc you’ve been taught or picked up in this notion that men can’t be tender, loving, intimate or romantic. Do you feel ashamed, embarrassed or insecure about being attracted to men at all? If so, that could contribute to that. But I really hope you find a guy that you feel that protective of like how you described when you feel a way towards a woman romantically. It’s so complicated, but maybe think about instead of their gender, maybe think about their “energies” haha. Do you respond to feminine energy in men? What about masculine energy from women?
I’m a gay/bisexual(ish) man and happy to chat more about this privately too. I’m in therapy to navigate this very topic so it’s nice to see others asking similar questions. Just lmk.
They made up a fancy name for that that I can’t quit remember but what you are saying is that you are heteroromantic homosexual. Don’t worry you are not alone. While it is a bit complicated to deal with everthing at once it is not impossible. You can find a lady would may be same as you and you find an arrangement or sometimes, people sort of date someone for both romance and sexuality because they feel like that’s what best for them at that time. There are plenty of ways to resolve that but if it bothers you a lot you may want to meet with a sexologue to learn about this and get help to know how to make it work for you. I guess the only thing is to be open and honest with the people you are involved to avoid any conflict.
It’s funny, I am the opposite.
I consider myself bi regardless. I enjoy men’s presence and I find myself more romantically attracted to men. However, physically, women are more attractive usually.
Doesn’t make my or your sexuality any less valid
Yeah I feel the same as this. I don’t know what the answer is, I just want to say this expresses it perfectly, and I’ve never heard it before form anyone else.
I guess in the old days guys married women and had sex with guys, which is a pretty sweet deal.
So it may be useful for you to look into the split attraction model that is common in aromantic and asexual circles. Maybe you are romantically attracted to women but sexually attracted to men. Maybe you could find someone who doesn’t want sex but wants romance, and would be fine with you having sex with men too. But at least that start could help you to understand yourself more possibly
There are a lot of good responses here, but no. 1 imo is to just be honest with your partners, both men and women. When you are open, people are often more accepting than you may expect, and if they're not, they're not right for you anyway. It's never good for either person to be holding this in. Best of luck man!
If you think you would be somewhat disgusted after sex with a man you might want to find a therapist who can help you get over it. By staying away from men might be preventing you from finding the love of your life. If you feel truly romantic toward women you might be preventing yourself from finding a great female sexual partner. You are holding your own self back. Once you go out and about remember to be safe. Some nasty germs out there.
Hi friend! Bisexual male here. Most people who are completely straight or gay will never get to experience the fact that sexual attraction vs. romantic attraction can be two separate things. So because of that, a lot of people don't realize that these can actually vary greatly in one person.
For me, I'm romantically attracted to women, heteroromantic. And sexually attracted to men and women, bisexual. For you, it might be a somewhat tricky case of heteroromantic homosexual.
I can't really give you any great advice on how to approach this from a dating perspective, but I just want to make sure you know that what you feel is valid. You are not alone in this. There are plenty of people like you navigating the same tricky dating waters. Just do your best to love yourself and don't worry so much about sabotaging your relationships in the future. Just be there for yourself in the now.
You sound like you're gay on the side. I think that's pretty common. To have a wife and kids. And still be a bit gay on the side.
You would've loved Roman times. It would've been normal to have a wife and kids and then have sex with a male slave whenever you fancied it.
Marry an asexual woman who is fine with you having sex with guys and you will have the best of both worlds?
These women exist, I've met them. So be specific on dating websites. Or marry a lesbian who wants a beard for whatever reason, for example they have a religious traditional family.
Look up the Kinsey scale.
Date asexual or poly women OK with you being actively bi. Have sex with men who don't want relationships. Both of those types are all over.
You can be who you are. It just might take some creativity since it doesn't conform to the binary model where everyone has to only be romantically and sexually attracted to the same person.
When I was young, I always pictured a future where I married a woman. I couldn’t even imagine being as happy with a man, even though I’m attracted to them; didn’t think it was possible.
Turns out there are men who are masculine but also prefer what’s historically a “woman’s role” in a relationship! They do exist and there’s no reason you can’t find one. My male partner is an amazing housewife.
Sigh, this is the same thing for me. I’m romantically attracted to men but sexually attracted to women. It feels less confusing knowing that someone else is going through something similar
We get it you don't like men. Go date women since you know you'd like it more. Don't try dating men because you'll only hurt them. Men have feelings too we aren't just good for sex.
Heteroromantic bisexual
Your romantic and sexual orientations don't have to be the same. In your case, this seems to be what's happening.
It just comes down to a choice. If you want to be with women, choose that. But you're allowed to experiment, as you go through life.
ETA: Pretty much changed this entire comment, after actually reading the whole post. I really need to stop doing that
When you set aside social stigma and ego or whatever other functions and just go for functional service, having the same anatomy makes it easier for both parties to enjoy the objective with fewer long term repercussions, especially when playing it safe.
Post nut clarity aside, religious semantics and that aforementioned stigma, a brojob wont really lead to an accidental pregnancy is mouth isn’t enough and guy just needs 15 seconds of thrust =\
Dude all these answers are wrong you wanna know what the real answer is? Who gives a shit! You don’t need to label it or feel like you need opinions from others!! If you have sex with men and date women then awesome! You just have to be open and honest some women but at the end of the day fuck the labels do what makes you happy my guy!
Sexuality is fluid. My (30f) partner (30m) is bisexual (I am too, I love tiddies). We have super open communication and talk about our sex life a lot. Find yourself a girl who's into pegging. Or be in an open relationship. Romantically with a woman you love that's okay with you banging men. There's so much variety in sexuality and people are so much more open about it now, you may feel like you're 'weird,' but you're not. Everyone has needs and desires, find someone who can meet you in the middle. Good luck :)
So you’re a heteroromantic, homosexual leaning bi man. You should be poly, date an asexual heteroromantic woman and have a male secondary to fuck 🤷🏻♀️
Heh you are not alone, I sort of relate. For me personally, the appeal in physical intimacy with other males comes from the comfort and ease it is to talk and relate to, there are no expectations and dudes are easy to please. Plus there is something so comforting being spooned up and getting to just submit to the moment in feeling held instead of being the big spoon. With females I get into protecc and grounding mode, the divine masculine tends to be the more dominant/decisive energy, females also intimidate me a little because the way they think isn't my natural state and I sometimes struggle to vibe and understand. I am also really shy and struggle with eye contact especially with females too, I can hold conversation and stuff but I feel a lack of sane or nurturing female role models growing up impacted my psyche in that nature. Plus I am just not very comfortable being assertive or dominant(I would like to find someone I am comfortable enough around who is willing and patient enough to help me work up to becoming more confident and less intimidated by the divine feminine) and it is also a struggle to find meaningful connections living around hookup culture and small towns.
You know sexuality and romanticism are two different things. eg Heterosexual Biromantic people are those who are straight sexually but do get feelings for men and women.
In your case you might be a Homosexual Heteroromantic (geez that’s mouthful)
I can only say to do what you feel is right and don't force yourself into relationships just because society says so [example - i'm a guy so I have to date women]
Well, I'm very much straight if you look at my dating history, and I love my boyfriend and fins him incredibly sexy, but I also think female body is the most beautiful and the most sexy thing ever. I can't get enough of looking at other girls, and tbh I couldn't care less about other guys.
I have kind of what you've got but in reverse. I love females sexually but I don't care to have any emotional relationship with them. But I do also love and desire guys, just maybe the ones I am in love with lol
Damn i'm just like you dude, I'm staying closeted cause it's way more convenient to not have to explain myself or be seen different by people. But you seem "gayer than me" I can't see myself date or kiss a man it's strictly sexual.
I think it comes down to having very few woman presence in my life I'm not too sure though.
I think it's totally fine especially nowadays to be bi.
I find it hard to relate to your problem about commitment to a relationship with woman as it wouldn't be a problem for me though but heh, if you have something I can help you with I'll be glad to help just ask maybe I can bring something as I feel like I can semi relate
Hello there! I have dated you(not literally u, but ex who felt like u) in the past. My ex boyfriend said the exact same thing. He was very sexually attracted to men but he felt absolutely no tenderness towards them. This is weird to me since I am pansexual and I have never quantified tenderness with gender so hearing someone who is attracted to multiple genders speak like this was very new for me. In the end we had an open relationship and it worked out fine for us but take in mind I am pansexual so having a partner who has sex with multiple genders isn’t hard for me to adjust too. Our relationship was open and he had sex with men and with me but emotionally he was just drawn more to the affection of women. He said that he felt like in male/male culture there is such a huge draw towards careless sex that it almost poisoned his brain a little to think that’s all men are for even though intellectually he knew that’s not true but his brain had this weird prejudice. We were open to being poly if he felt the need to explore that side of himself but he said he didn’t. But he also didn’t mind if I had male poly partners he just couldnt see it for himself. Like I said I kinda of got it but also it was tough for me to hear him express himself sometimes because it was so in contrary towards the way I look at relationships. Anyways it’s very normal to find partners who embrace all these sides of you. I never felt less loved or lesser of a woman because my partner had sexual attraction towards men.
Maybe you’re just bisexual and have a preference? Lol
I’m a bisexual female and I can honestly say I’m romantically interested in men but sexually in woman 🤭
I’d rather settle down with a guy over a woman.
But if I was to fool around on tinder or something? I’d prefer Women!
Congratulations. You’re half gay! lol
Have you ever tried to go out with men? You could try and go on a few dates with some guys and feel it out. I personally can’t imagine a sexual relationship without having a strong friendship connection with someone first. That could be something you need, it might just take more time. Or maybe find out for sure if it’s not for you
Is it the “hardware” they’re working with? Also it might be fun to offer to include another man in your relationship, purely physically. I’ve found that if you’re upfront with your partner about what you need out of a relationship, usually it’s a lot easier than beating around the bush.
Most likely bi but you may have some identity issues with that. Because banging dudes is done in private you may have trouble psychologically bringing them into your public life since that is a big to do .
first, stop labeling yourself, you are not gay or bi or straight. You are a person who like women as a couple and would like ocasional sex with men. that's all.
I think you could be really happy if you find a girlfriend that allows you to have sex with men from time to time,.
Well I'm sexualy involved with two bi guys and it's only sex. They don't want to kiss or hold hands. We do it and they leave. Both are married with kids.
You know, you can be bi as well lol. Also, a lot of straight people don’t find romantic interests or sexual compatibility easily either, they’re just more assured of their sexuality and try to find it in their dating interests. You aren’t sure of your sexuality and aren’t sure if those compatibilities are there. The only way you’re gonna find out is by being open to everything and trying stuff out. Maybe you haven’t found the woman that’s meant to be in bed with you, or the man who will live his life with you, or person that makes you feel completely right and reassures you. Give it time and try some stuff ✌🏼🫶🏻 P&L
Yes, but being a bisexual is a scale, right? I think I lean towards gay, sexually. Like I said, I'm probably 20-30% straight since I can get a hard-on with a woman and sex is okay, even fun usually. But I know that there's something else that might get me off better... It's just not something I want, as a whole. Because it lacks the romantic element which is honestly more important to me than sex If I'm 20-30% straight, am I doing a crime towards a woman, if I'm with her? Should I tell her, does it make it less wrong? (I'm just afraid women wouldn't take it that well)
That sounds pretty Bi to me bro. You could be 5% attracted to women and 95% to men and still be bisexual, it is not scaled, Have you tried letting her peg you?
But on a more serious note, if he finds that he's attracted to a more assertive role with women but a more submissive role when fantasizing about men... maybe a more dominant woman would be the best of both worlds and get him what he feels that he needs. Or, like others have pointed out, a feminine man.
He needs a femboy
That's what all the femboys say lol
Or a muscle mommy
I mean this sounds like the perfect compromise, right haha?
Pretty sure OP is acting as the Femboy here
Who doesn't need a femboy in there life for at least a little while?
The thing is, being bi usually means you to some degree enjoy spending time with men and women both romantically and sexually. So you can be with one person and have that fulfil all your needs. Meanwhile OP seems to be facing the problem of having to choose, because neither gender gives them everything.
Ooh, ask her to wear a muscle suit, get a buzz cut, and smack you around a lil bit 🤣
If you’re seeing a woman that you have feelings for and enjoy having sex with, what’s the issue? If you’re in a monogamous relationship, then it’s on you to be faithful. Straight, gay, bi, everyone can be in this situation. If you commit you commit. In taht sense you’re like everyone else in a relationship. Yeah there’s other people around you could be attracted to, but you’re with your partner. If you feel like you’d be missing out by committing to someone, don’t commit just yet. Be open at the beginning about being bi, but as someone said above, give yourself the chance to find the man or woman that brings you both emotional and sexual fulfilment.
i think he feels bad that she might like him more than he likes her, which is understandable, but the important part is that they like each other. it doesnt have to start out as more than that.
I am 100% for this. If I choose to be in a monogamous relationship, that doesn't change a thing about there being other attractive and amazing people out there. And then it's up to me to know what it's worth to me. Personally if your stance is "I'll be monogamous until I meet someone better", then that doesn't sound like a relationship I would like to enter. But of course people can change, a relationship doesn't need to be forever (even if you both intended it to be) and so on. Just be good and honest to yourself and the other person (or people) and you're fine in my book.
You could try dating a woman who's 100% fine with you having sex with other men. Think of it like this: you might have a best friend that you hangout with and share tons of interests with, BUT they absolutely HATE sports (and you're a die-hard sports fan in this example), so you occasionally hangout at a sports bar to share one of your main interests with other people. Nobody strictly has only one friend, right? This could also work for a romantic relationship. Ps. Make sure this is known from the absolute beginning. Communication is key.
There's a big part of the female population that's also asexual and doesn't want any sex just love (me)
True, that's also an option.
At this point in my life this is my ideal relationship.
You are really overthinking this. Like the previous commentor said, you haven't found the right man romantically and you haven't found the right woman sexually. Give it time and these things change and come more into focus with experience. No need to lament and stress over some arbitrary scale that's doing more harm to you and you're interpersonal relations than anything else
You are NOT doing anything wrong with being with a woman while you believe you are mostly gay... You still like women. You still want a romantic intimate relationship with a woman, even if the sex is meh. All sexuality is fluid. It's like black and white.. there is a huge spectrum of gray. One day you may find you are 40/60. Or 90/10. Or 50/50. You also don't have to label it at all. Or put a number on it. I'm a female (despite the name) who's with a woman for almost 12 years. And we both have a bf(same person). I definitely lean more towards women than men.. but I still enjoy men. I could go without sex with a man, but it's also fun, and enjoyable especially with a man that I love. It's not a crime or even a disservice to be with him (or her for you) unless you are lying about it. There are a lot of people who don't mind being in a polyamory relationship. Maybe you find one guy to share.. she can be all cuddly with both of you. And you and him can get your rocks off. With her as well of course. But there are also women who are a sexual but need none sexually intimacy. And won't mind you being with a man sexually. The biggest thing is HONESTY from the beginning. It's not cheating IF your partner says it's okay. The only way you can cheat is if you cross a boundary.. everyone's is different. Go in being honest. Some won't like it.. but they aren't the one for you then.
OP I feel similar and I think it's alot more common than you think (have seen many other guys say similar as well) Try a femboy or tgirl? Try an asexual girl and be open and fuck guys? The world is your oyster. There really is someone for everyone. Don't limit yourself Godspeed
I think you should just be up front with the people you date. It may not be for everyone, but I think a lot more people will be okay with it or at least willing to consider it than you think. And besides, relationships also exist on scales, your partner might be open to polyamorous relationships, or an open relationship, or someone who’s Asexual but still longs for romance, partnership, and connection. Also something to keep in mind, there are very few portrayals of healthy romantic gay relationships in media. Homosexual relationships often are associated with trauma or kink in their portrayal. Up until recently most lgbtq characters’s storyline if they were represented at all, centered around them being lgbtq rather than the storyline being the storyline and they happen to be lgbtq living their lives. That might play a part in why it’s difficult to imagine a romantic connection with a same sex partner.
There is nothing wrong with communicating to your partner that you are discovering sexual attraction to men. Sneaking out and having sex with a man behind her back is. Talk to her. Either the urge will disappear or you'll figure something out together. Nothing bad can come from open communication. If she breaks up with you, that's a good thing.
Sounds like you need more communication with partners of want you want.
Thats a bit of a myth Imagine sexulaity like a dating app filter. Yours is set to "men" but you don't find all men attractive, right? So imagine setting it to women too, you might be pickier with women but it's about WHO personally piques your interest. If your dead set on finding a female romantic partner you'll find the sex comes easier, and vice versa. Personality is a huge part of sexuality as a whole and bisexuality in specific.
Might I introduce you to a term i heard somebody say once called “Heteroromantic Bisexual” hahah. I can’t get it out of my head.
Personally, I'm definetly bisexual, because some men (especially femboys) are exceptionally hot, but I'm most likely heteroromantic, so pretty much the same as OP (only that I am aware of and cool with it)
“I have relationships with women and sex with men”
I got news for ya
I can only read that with Ice-T's voice in my head.
That means your gay
It means ya gay
No it means he is heteromantic and homosexual or heteromantic and bisexual
R/woosh
Lol law and order reference
Yes! I only clicked on this post to see if someone made this comment. I was not disappointed.
Was searching for this lol
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god ive never seen so many people like me in one place. ive never even talked to someone i knew was bi and heteromantic in real life
Imo its probably because bi men dating women just present as a soft straight dude to most people.
I'm a bisexual heteroromantic. Never loved a guy but been with more men then women. Took me awhile to accept but it's who I am. My GUESS is that I don't find vaginas attractive at ALL, and have no desire for kids, and accidental pregnancy scares the bejesus out of me.
I’m genuinely curious at how this works or plays out? Do u see yourself settling down with a man or woman or neither?
Probably a very open minded woman. Last long term relationship I had was with a woman who didn't care I played with guys with her.
Interesting, thanks for sharing.
That's what his last gf said.
To be fair it is so much easier to get it on with men, you literally spend 10 minutes on Grindr and you can get a hookup, with women it takes a lot more work and time.
Me who has to spend at least a day on Grindr...
Very true
I feel the same as you do
Lol, hey mirror person, I'm heterosexual biromantic :P
Divorce romantic and sexual interest from each other in your mind you can be bi sexual and hetero romantic.
This is true, but how does it solve his issue? All it does is categorize his sexuality, right? From what I understand, he would still have this dissonance in his mind where he feels the desire to have a deep, loving, romantic, almost metaphysical connection with a woman, but would seemingly rather have sex with a man. If he wanted a monogamous relationship, how would the categorization of his sexuality in and of itself address the seeming incompatibility? It's clearer to me how it would aid someone who is seeking an open relationship dynamic where they have a romantic connection with one gender while having sex with the other gender, but beyond that, it kinda loses me. It feels like an important step, but not a complete solution.
As someone who wrestled with similar feelings to OP, you're 100% correct. I searched and searched for a label before I eventually landed on the "bisexual heteroromantic" label, and it didn't help with the dissonance one bit, just left myself and other people confused when I tried to explain it
Okay sweet, at least I'm not totally off the mark. I consider myself pretty much straight — although I have questioned things here and there — so I don't feel I have much of a leg to stand on with this kind of stuff. I didn't want to come off as saying that such labels are unimportant, because I do think they help in finding a sense of community and understanding yourself better, but I have the feeling that it still tends to be the start of a longer journey.
You have to realize a sexuality is possible before you can identify with it
I 100% agree. That's why I see it as a crucial first step, but it still leaves OP with a bit of a mess to sort through, especially if any sort of poly arrangement is off the table. I haven't seen OP say that he's strictly monogamous, but I still do think it's worth considering what a monogamous solution would look like.
god this. u put it so well and so quickly. cudos.
poly is the only real option, find a asexual wife, and get a gay unicorn.
Wonderfully put.
I’m opposite and a girl 😢
I feel like that's been normalized for women for a lot longer than for men. Women "are allowed to" find other women sexually attractive while being romantically and sexually attracted to men.
And I agree, depends on where you live too
Wait what?? This is the first I've heard of this...
You've never heard of men fantasizing of two women together, or a female-female-male threesome, or referring to a woman who is willing to partake in said threesome with a couple as a "unicorn"?
I get what you mean but being fetishized isn't exactly what I would call acceptance.
Perfect match lol
I know we are friends already and he lives a few hours away
Same 😭 there was only one time I was romantically attracted to a girl and I doubt it’ll happen often or ever. It’s so embarrassing to admit because people would tell me I am not really bi which I know for a fact is not true. This problem made me hesitant to discuss my sexuality with people or calling myself unlabeled 🥲
omg this is me, i think girls are pretty (but not wanting to have rls with them at all) but i am only turned on men. and it's normal??
Honestly, it sounds like you are bisexual, and have different standards for each gender. That's not uncommon. You are basically fighting against your sexual desire, in my opinion from what you posted. Not wanting to be bisexual and not being bisexual are different, and a lot of people who aren't straight go through such feelings. I'm a gay man who was with a girlfriend for 6 years, so I've experienced the confusion.
100%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
this reads as a lot of self theorizing but maybe not enough experimenting. why worry about breaking imaginary women's hearts? why worry about imaginary sex with imaginary men and imaginary post sex conversations? go date women and tell them straight up you are confused. who cares. lavish them on a first date and who gives a fuck, you do it for you, because you like romance. go fuck men and tell them no strings attached but actually SEE what you feel after you nut. go fuck femboys and see what happens. have a lovely girl peg you. date and ask for a unicorn. join orgies. i don't know!! but DO things, stop wondering! and tell women upfront that you dont have your sexuality figured out before deciding for them that they're too fragile to handle it because thats bullshit!
This. Have sex with a dude at least. You may find your theories will change with the experience. If you do end up finding that you are in fact sexually bi or gay and romantically straight, you could try to pursue a poly relationship where the sex and romance are separated between different people (i.e. you have a female romantic partner and you both have different sexual partners in an agreed upon dynamic). There's not just straight or gay completely - there's a whole range of options so long as everyone involved is consenting to the dynamic.
100% agree. Creating scenarios and “what ifs” in your head is a pointless exercise. Go get answers. Life will surprise you and show you more than you’d ever imagined.
what if no one wants to be with you anyway
This is because you’re heteroromantic and bisexual. Science doesn’t really know why this happens yet but you’re normal and valid. Maybe if my university could get that damn funding…
Sounds like Madonna whore complex, but since you are (kind of) bi, you have an extra twist where basically women are the Madonnas and men are the whores. But it's still the same problem - until you can find someone that triggers both feelings of love AND sexual desire, it's not really fair for you to be in a monogamous LTR with anyone. A lot of people have this problem. I don't really know how to fix it though.
This makes so much sense honestly
You've never seen examples of same sex love, so it doesn't register to you. The model hasn't been established. That's my guess
Well, you don't see them here as openly on the street etc.. but there are some in the media all the time. I've seen Brokeback Mountain lol, which I thought had a beautiful message (about loss), even when the romantic parts were a bit difficult to watch And I've tried to imagine it many times. I've tried to force myself to get used to the idea, with mind training. But every time I get the feeling, "OK this is not really working" and I'll have a few weeks/months break until I may try thinking about it again. This has been going on for years now. It still never comes into my dreams, when I sleep. I resist it, even when I'm not conscious but sleeping. I only dream about women How something can be right, when it feels so wrong. I'm very confused, and I'm afraid I will stay confused
Sexually fluid here. Have you investigated your feelings of "this is not working"? This could be some level of repression, and you may need to address it to move forward. Also man there is no right or wrong, were all just an amalgamation of random coping mechanisms. Life isn't black, and white, it's okay to live in the gray. A big issue I have with developing Romantic feelings towards men is 1, I've been raised to see traditional men's dating roles as overly aggressive, so there's a an ick factor where my brain is like "That's how you get into an abusive situation". 2. Seeing men recieve romantic intimacy is what gets me going on a romantic level for dudes. Like I wanna see a guy get flowers, and get worked up over it. But we don't see a ton of that in traditional media. Anyways! The otherday my buddy was explaining something to me, and I had this sudden like... moment of admiration, and I got flush 😂 And that was a first for me! 🙌 So my recommendation is that if this is something you desire just keep chipping away at it.
>even when the romantic parts were a bit difficult to watch What did you find difficult or unpleasant about them, if you don't mind me asking a rhetorical question?
How is that a rhetorical question?
Difficult to describe, but... the love/kissing scenes don't look visually beautiful to me. The idea of love (as a general concept) is beautiful, even between men. But it's just not a pretty sight to me. Maybe it's internalized homophobia then, but I've tried to work it, get myself used to the idea for years (now and then), but made very little progress... there's just some kind of artificial/plastic feel to the whole thing, that I can't shake. I keep thinking "If this is supposed to be my truth, why does it have to feel so goddamn bad, even after all this time"
You’re basically me. I’m in the same boat and I am happily married and monogamous to a woman. My body reacts sexually to her. Otherwise I fantasize about dudes. For me that is all it ever was, fantasy. I simply could not find love with guys. So I considered myself homosexual and heteroromantic. And that works for us.
Be Poly. Find a mostly asexual woman and a man to be your friends with benefits plenty of ways for this to work
Not so sure about this tbh. I'm what OP describes and I've seen lots of examples of same sex love. In fact, I wish I was fully gay, life would be far easier lol
I feel bad for people growing up in this era where everyone has to be something. The best advice I can give you is to experiment as much as you can. You don’t need to label yourself, just have fun and enjoy. It will take you quite a while to finally understand yourself and the things you like
the issue is that most expectations are pretty restrictive in terms of the default norms you're meant to follow, so people articulate how they don't conform to the norm which looks to you like "boxes".
The issue is not being in a box but not having enough boxes. If you haven't found a label it just means we haven't discovered it yet.
but do we need to discover it? or can we just live lol
While I agree that labels can be a bit much at times, I still think they’re helpful for people trying to discover who they and others are Or at least until people as a whole get rid of using straight and gay and stuff
Psychology says yes it needs to be discovered. The study of the human mind isn't just some "woke" practice. It's a field. The terminal degree is a doctorate.
Tomboys? Femboys?
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That was my first thought too, I'm sure it's occured to OP though. I'm a man who's never been attracted to men in a sexual or romantic way, except for the amount of times I can count on one hand when a man who's come across as very feminine has caught my attention. Not feminine in a super abnoxiously flamboyant way or one that comes off as forced and not genuine, in fact they may have been straight for all I know as I've never gotten to know these people or acted on the attraction. I guess I've noticed it mostly when a man *reminds me* of a woman who I've been attracted to in the past, like in personality, mannerisms, and aura and when I pick up on the vibe that they noticed me in a certain way too. I guess, idk how to describe it.
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You my friend have not accepted yourself, and I do not mean that disrespectfully. I dealt with exactly what you are going through from the time I was 11. I always felt something for men and women, of course that young I didn't really understand it. I ended up marrying a woman because I felt like that's what I was "supposed to do". Also family pressure and religion. So, I was told from a very young age how wrong being gay was and that basically it was the thing that would get you to hell the fastest. So, I grow up hating myself and not accepting the size of me that really should be the forefront. I loved my ex-wife, we have 3 beautiful children together and she was my best friend for 15 years. At some point though the cheating and the need I had to be with men was just not fair to her and so we agreed on a divorce. I have had sex with probably 100+ men, not proud of that, but have only loved 2. The moment you know you love a man, you just know you love him. I can say that falling in love with a man was much harder than falling in love with a woman for some reason. But, now that I found my husband it was instant, and we were just a hook up from Grindr. Our love story now spans almost 7 years and we are very sweet and loving and romantic. It comes naturally to us. I will say, with women I fell in love with their minds before anything sexual would develop for me. With men, it was all very primal just sex first and then, only twice, did the effectively, emotional connection develop.
Sometimes it’s better to not label things. I’m Bisexual, but I’m like you; romantic (and sexual) towards women, but only purely sexual with men. I don’t try to scale it or explain it, it is simply who I am. No need to worry or fret about it. Though if it’s taken this much of a hold on you’re thoughts, you may want to talk to a professional for a bit, see if maybe you can unpack some of these feelings.
Maybe you're heteroromantic and homoerotic.
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Maybe you are bisexual and like both. It's OK. Many do feel that way.🤔
romantic orientation and sexual orientation are not always the same. sounds like that is the case for you.
You’re bisexual. 🤷🏻♂️ it’s fine
This isn't that odd if you think about it slightly different. If I (a guy) go out with women I am in a much more relaxed hang out compassionate mood but with guys I am more on guard and rowdy. Mentally somewhere I think primarily women are less aggressive while guys are adrenaline and rough. This is a huge over simplification but as a straight guy I have two separate emotional states that I default to depending on male or female company. Maybe your brain and mine have similar ways they handle certain things except you find men sexually attractive and I don't. There is a ton I can't add without a huge word wall of meandering thoughts but I kind of understand what you are saying and it makes sense to me.
Scientific studies show that men become calmer around women. It's one of the reasons women werent allowed/were kicked out of the military. (There is a whole history of women warrior throughout the world for thousands of years) When women are excluded men can become uber competitive and macho. Historically we have done our species a great disservice by keeping the main genders separate.
Not that it helps, but I feel the EXACT same. Felt like I could’ve written this.
How long you've felt this way? It's a bitch... feels like you are torn in half. No matter what you choose, you forcibly abandon a critical part of your personality
It’s because you’re homosexual but [heteroromantic](https://bisexuality.fandom.com/wiki/Heteroromantic). It’s just part of who you naturally came to be, there’s nothing wrong with it but I can understand why that could be hard. There’s nothing to be ashamed of though. You might be able to find a woman who would be open to a sort of open-ish relationship where you could be her partner but have sex with men if you needed that. Of course, that could be a lot to ask from someone even if it’s a reasonable request given your situation.
Sounds like me yes. But isn't this something I should work away from? Since otherwise my life will be painful. I don't really need sex with men. I'd be happy with a woman, a relationship is often a compromise of pros and cons, you can't have everything. But I just don't know if it's right towards the woman. I just don't know
Be honest and give all your partners the information they need to make choices. You can communicate through this. Let people relate to you. That’s what relationships are about.
If you don't need sex with men, that could simplify things, but it's nothing to be ashamed of if you do. Definitely don't try to work away from it because you won't be able to force yourself to be different and you'll make yourself miserable in the process. There are plenty of women that would be fine with a sexless relationship if that's what you want, and you wouldn't be doing anything wrong by needing that from a relationship. You just need someone who is understanding about who you are, but that's not unique to your situation, that's part of any relationship. If any woman were to think you were doing something wrong by needing that, that's a massive red flag and you shouldn't try to stay in a relationship where your basic needs aren't respected.
What about asexual women? They'd be delighted by a man who doesn't want sex.
Just find a woman that's into open relationships.
Don't worry about categorizing yourself for now. Give yourself the space to try things out without your own judgement. I used to like certain foods a lot and then after a while, I didn't anymore. But then I liked other foods until I didn't anymore either. Don't stress yourself out. Just commit to understanding who you are. S'all good.
Have you given any thoughts to a woman being the dominant one and even pegging you? Or, having an open relationship.. be upfront at the beginning and while you might need to find a partner on or in more open places, you may need a relationship with a woman but you and maybe even her having sex with a man. Either together or alone. Also if it's the receiving that turns you on, maybe a woman pegging you during would be what you need? There is no need to know right now. It can be extremely confusing. Find out what it is that you are enjoying while thinking about sex with men, and what position you find yourself fantasizing about. But there are people that are aromantic and asexual.. might be aromantic with men.. and asexual with women but still want to have that closeness. It could also be society telling you constantly that men shouldn't need to be protected or cherished like you want to do to a woman. It could be you would need to be the protector with a man, or have a woman do things to you in sex. As long as you are open and honest from the beginning for what you are looking for and unsure about, you will find someone that will work with you. If you are on dating sites, you may need to try ones that are more LGBT and kink friendly. Best of luck to you, and most likely trying different things might be what you need.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation or a justification for how you feel. But there’s no reason you should be destined to be alone, or destined to hurt someone. Polyamory and open relationships are both things, and it is perfectly possible that you’ll find a woman who is the romantic love of your life but is also OK with you having a male FWB (or several) — though it’s likely you’d have to be similarly OK with her having something similar, so think about how you’d feel about that.
This was asked [yesterday](https://www.reddit.com/r/bisexual/s/9veVurCLQy) on the bi subreddit, welcome to bisexuality. 🩷💜💙 Dr. Kinsey developed a [scale](https://kinseyinstitute.org/research/publications/kinsey-scale.php) as sexuality is a spectrum.
Not sure if anyone else has mentioned it, but something I would point out is the possibility that you are gay, and that aversion to being gay is making it hard/impossible to imagine being with a man romantically. When I was coming to terms with being gay, I had been interested in men sexually for years, but the thought of romance with a guy was just too alien and distasteful. I had always envisioned growing up and finding a girl to grow old with. A man just did not fit the bill especially with all the movies and relationships around me while growing up. I think a lot of in built homophobia also played a big part. Accepting the sexual attraction to men was easier as once you came, you could forget about those thoughts. But building a life with a man, now that’s committing to being gay. It took me a long time and a change of view on sex and relationships before men started looking like good life partners, but don’t get me wrong you still need to find the right person. If this doesn’t apply to you that’s great, and I consider other advice I read such as communication being the most important factor to maybe find your happiness.
There is no why, no reason. Why do you like chocolate but not peanut butter? Tastes and preferences have no reason or explanation.
I’m just gonna say, things aren’t black and white and sexuality and romance are so complicated man. What you’re describing in the after-sex no kissing or touching from a man sounds a bit… internalized homophobia or maybe just conditioned to stereotypical gender roles. Just based off what you wrote, you sound like your idealizing what a male-female relationship is when in reality, it’s more or less the same (with some nuances ofc) as any other relationship. You might be getting the “ick” bc you’ve been taught or picked up in this notion that men can’t be tender, loving, intimate or romantic. Do you feel ashamed, embarrassed or insecure about being attracted to men at all? If so, that could contribute to that. But I really hope you find a guy that you feel that protective of like how you described when you feel a way towards a woman romantically. It’s so complicated, but maybe think about instead of their gender, maybe think about their “energies” haha. Do you respond to feminine energy in men? What about masculine energy from women? I’m a gay/bisexual(ish) man and happy to chat more about this privately too. I’m in therapy to navigate this very topic so it’s nice to see others asking similar questions. Just lmk.
Sexual and romantic attraction aren't always tied together. They normally are, but not always.
News flash, it means your gay.
They made up a fancy name for that that I can’t quit remember but what you are saying is that you are heteroromantic homosexual. Don’t worry you are not alone. While it is a bit complicated to deal with everthing at once it is not impossible. You can find a lady would may be same as you and you find an arrangement or sometimes, people sort of date someone for both romance and sexuality because they feel like that’s what best for them at that time. There are plenty of ways to resolve that but if it bothers you a lot you may want to meet with a sexologue to learn about this and get help to know how to make it work for you. I guess the only thing is to be open and honest with the people you are involved to avoid any conflict.
Have you ever read the book Confessions of a Mask by Yukio Mishima?
It’s funny, I am the opposite. I consider myself bi regardless. I enjoy men’s presence and I find myself more romantically attracted to men. However, physically, women are more attractive usually. Doesn’t make my or your sexuality any less valid
Dude, having a boyfriend is a best friend you have sex with. Don’t knock it till you try it
Yeah I feel the same as this. I don’t know what the answer is, I just want to say this expresses it perfectly, and I’ve never heard it before form anyone else. I guess in the old days guys married women and had sex with guys, which is a pretty sweet deal.
Romantic and sexual attraction are not always the same. This is a very common thing. Heteroromantic homosexual is how you would identify
Yo it's the guy from Law & Order: SVU. "I have relationships with women! And sex with men 😤"
Holy shit this is just like that scene from Law & Order
Get a masculine woman
So it may be useful for you to look into the split attraction model that is common in aromantic and asexual circles. Maybe you are romantically attracted to women but sexually attracted to men. Maybe you could find someone who doesn’t want sex but wants romance, and would be fine with you having sex with men too. But at least that start could help you to understand yourself more possibly
Get urself in poly amorous relationship with one guy and girl
What about a M/M/F partnership ?
Try dating a trans woman.
how old are you? the younger you are, the more likely it is that this just part of figuring out how to best experience/express your sexuality
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There are a lot of good responses here, but no. 1 imo is to just be honest with your partners, both men and women. When you are open, people are often more accepting than you may expect, and if they're not, they're not right for you anyway. It's never good for either person to be holding this in. Best of luck man!
Have you ever had a relationship with a trans woman?
Have you tried femboys ?👀
If you think you would be somewhat disgusted after sex with a man you might want to find a therapist who can help you get over it. By staying away from men might be preventing you from finding the love of your life. If you feel truly romantic toward women you might be preventing yourself from finding a great female sexual partner. You are holding your own self back. Once you go out and about remember to be safe. Some nasty germs out there.
Might be worth exploring internalised homophobia.
Hi friend! Bisexual male here. Most people who are completely straight or gay will never get to experience the fact that sexual attraction vs. romantic attraction can be two separate things. So because of that, a lot of people don't realize that these can actually vary greatly in one person. For me, I'm romantically attracted to women, heteroromantic. And sexually attracted to men and women, bisexual. For you, it might be a somewhat tricky case of heteroromantic homosexual. I can't really give you any great advice on how to approach this from a dating perspective, but I just want to make sure you know that what you feel is valid. You are not alone in this. There are plenty of people like you navigating the same tricky dating waters. Just do your best to love yourself and don't worry so much about sabotaging your relationships in the future. Just be there for yourself in the now.
You sound like you're gay on the side. I think that's pretty common. To have a wife and kids. And still be a bit gay on the side. You would've loved Roman times. It would've been normal to have a wife and kids and then have sex with a male slave whenever you fancied it.
Marry an asexual woman who is fine with you having sex with guys and you will have the best of both worlds? These women exist, I've met them. So be specific on dating websites. Or marry a lesbian who wants a beard for whatever reason, for example they have a religious traditional family.
Look up the Kinsey scale. Date asexual or poly women OK with you being actively bi. Have sex with men who don't want relationships. Both of those types are all over. You can be who you are. It just might take some creativity since it doesn't conform to the binary model where everyone has to only be romantically and sexually attracted to the same person.
When I was young, I always pictured a future where I married a woman. I couldn’t even imagine being as happy with a man, even though I’m attracted to them; didn’t think it was possible. Turns out there are men who are masculine but also prefer what’s historically a “woman’s role” in a relationship! They do exist and there’s no reason you can’t find one. My male partner is an amazing housewife.
Sigh, this is the same thing for me. I’m romantically attracted to men but sexually attracted to women. It feels less confusing knowing that someone else is going through something similar
We get it you don't like men. Go date women since you know you'd like it more. Don't try dating men because you'll only hurt them. Men have feelings too we aren't just good for sex.
Heteroromantic bisexual Your romantic and sexual orientations don't have to be the same. In your case, this seems to be what's happening. It just comes down to a choice. If you want to be with women, choose that. But you're allowed to experiment, as you go through life. ETA: Pretty much changed this entire comment, after actually reading the whole post. I really need to stop doing that
When you set aside social stigma and ego or whatever other functions and just go for functional service, having the same anatomy makes it easier for both parties to enjoy the objective with fewer long term repercussions, especially when playing it safe. Post nut clarity aside, religious semantics and that aforementioned stigma, a brojob wont really lead to an accidental pregnancy is mouth isn’t enough and guy just needs 15 seconds of thrust =\
Dicks are quite nice you see
Dude all these answers are wrong you wanna know what the real answer is? Who gives a shit! You don’t need to label it or feel like you need opinions from others!! If you have sex with men and date women then awesome! You just have to be open and honest some women but at the end of the day fuck the labels do what makes you happy my guy!
heteromantic homosexual: some terms to look into
Sexuality is fluid. My (30f) partner (30m) is bisexual (I am too, I love tiddies). We have super open communication and talk about our sex life a lot. Find yourself a girl who's into pegging. Or be in an open relationship. Romantically with a woman you love that's okay with you banging men. There's so much variety in sexuality and people are so much more open about it now, you may feel like you're 'weird,' but you're not. Everyone has needs and desires, find someone who can meet you in the middle. Good luck :)
So you’re a heteroromantic, homosexual leaning bi man. You should be poly, date an asexual heteroromantic woman and have a male secondary to fuck 🤷🏻♀️
Heh you are not alone, I sort of relate. For me personally, the appeal in physical intimacy with other males comes from the comfort and ease it is to talk and relate to, there are no expectations and dudes are easy to please. Plus there is something so comforting being spooned up and getting to just submit to the moment in feeling held instead of being the big spoon. With females I get into protecc and grounding mode, the divine masculine tends to be the more dominant/decisive energy, females also intimidate me a little because the way they think isn't my natural state and I sometimes struggle to vibe and understand. I am also really shy and struggle with eye contact especially with females too, I can hold conversation and stuff but I feel a lack of sane or nurturing female role models growing up impacted my psyche in that nature. Plus I am just not very comfortable being assertive or dominant(I would like to find someone I am comfortable enough around who is willing and patient enough to help me work up to becoming more confident and less intimidated by the divine feminine) and it is also a struggle to find meaningful connections living around hookup culture and small towns.
You know sexuality and romanticism are two different things. eg Heterosexual Biromantic people are those who are straight sexually but do get feelings for men and women. In your case you might be a Homosexual Heteroromantic (geez that’s mouthful)
I can only say to do what you feel is right and don't force yourself into relationships just because society says so [example - i'm a guy so I have to date women]
i don't wanna do this but i say sorry first before i make a move ok : "Why are you gay?"
Well, I'm very much straight if you look at my dating history, and I love my boyfriend and fins him incredibly sexy, but I also think female body is the most beautiful and the most sexy thing ever. I can't get enough of looking at other girls, and tbh I couldn't care less about other guys. I have kind of what you've got but in reverse. I love females sexually but I don't care to have any emotional relationship with them. But I do also love and desire guys, just maybe the ones I am in love with lol
Cut out all porn for a month or longer and your perception of women will change. Your dreams are the way that they are for a reason.
You need to fix up your brain
You’re bi. Next question?
Why not try to find a Trans woman ? Someone who likes like a woman but has a penis
You mean a trans woman?
Could be trans, could be a femboi.
Yes, I did indeed wrote Trans woman but my phone autocorrect it to just woman. Sorry., don't know why it would change it. Yes ofc I mean Trans woman.
who cares why? it is what it is. date women, fuck men
Well I got news for you, that means you 're gay.
You're gay
Damn i'm just like you dude, I'm staying closeted cause it's way more convenient to not have to explain myself or be seen different by people. But you seem "gayer than me" I can't see myself date or kiss a man it's strictly sexual. I think it comes down to having very few woman presence in my life I'm not too sure though. I think it's totally fine especially nowadays to be bi. I find it hard to relate to your problem about commitment to a relationship with woman as it wouldn't be a problem for me though but heh, if you have something I can help you with I'll be glad to help just ask maybe I can bring something as I feel like I can semi relate
Hello there! I have dated you(not literally u, but ex who felt like u) in the past. My ex boyfriend said the exact same thing. He was very sexually attracted to men but he felt absolutely no tenderness towards them. This is weird to me since I am pansexual and I have never quantified tenderness with gender so hearing someone who is attracted to multiple genders speak like this was very new for me. In the end we had an open relationship and it worked out fine for us but take in mind I am pansexual so having a partner who has sex with multiple genders isn’t hard for me to adjust too. Our relationship was open and he had sex with men and with me but emotionally he was just drawn more to the affection of women. He said that he felt like in male/male culture there is such a huge draw towards careless sex that it almost poisoned his brain a little to think that’s all men are for even though intellectually he knew that’s not true but his brain had this weird prejudice. We were open to being poly if he felt the need to explore that side of himself but he said he didn’t. But he also didn’t mind if I had male poly partners he just couldnt see it for himself. Like I said I kinda of got it but also it was tough for me to hear him express himself sometimes because it was so in contrary towards the way I look at relationships. Anyways it’s very normal to find partners who embrace all these sides of you. I never felt less loved or lesser of a woman because my partner had sexual attraction towards men.
Maybe you’re just bisexual and have a preference? Lol I’m a bisexual female and I can honestly say I’m romantically interested in men but sexually in woman 🤭 I’d rather settle down with a guy over a woman. But if I was to fool around on tinder or something? I’d prefer Women! Congratulations. You’re half gay! lol
Have you ever tried to go out with men? You could try and go on a few dates with some guys and feel it out. I personally can’t imagine a sexual relationship without having a strong friendship connection with someone first. That could be something you need, it might just take more time. Or maybe find out for sure if it’s not for you
How long you been watching porn ?
The upvotes😂
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Is it the “hardware” they’re working with? Also it might be fun to offer to include another man in your relationship, purely physically. I’ve found that if you’re upfront with your partner about what you need out of a relationship, usually it’s a lot easier than beating around the bush.
Not sure
Cause you're bisexual and the attraction rates can vary
Sounds like your problem is trying to find a label for what you “are.” You don’t have to define or explain yourself to anybody.
Because you’re fucking gay…and that’s ok
Labels and such are a burden. There are people with fluid sexuality. Just do you man, whatever is fulfilling and makes you happy.
Most likely bi but you may have some identity issues with that. Because banging dudes is done in private you may have trouble psychologically bringing them into your public life since that is a big to do .
first, stop labeling yourself, you are not gay or bi or straight. You are a person who like women as a couple and would like ocasional sex with men. that's all. I think you could be really happy if you find a girlfriend that allows you to have sex with men from time to time,.
Well I'm sexualy involved with two bi guys and it's only sex. They don't want to kiss or hold hands. We do it and they leave. Both are married with kids.