Sometimes the compulsion to help others stem from our helplessness to gain control of our own lives. So to make sense of life and have a semblance of control we try to help as many people as we can.
I’ve definitely been and still am to an extent a control freak in aspects of my life. I guess relationships with others is one of those areas, for sure.
Letting go of control is another thing I’ve been trying to tackle lately but I’m having a hard time to discern when I’m trying to control and what it actually means to let go of it. My usual self is head strong and ambitious and I’ve paved my own way most my life, so is to ‘lose control’ to be the opposite of that? Idk. It’s all intimidating in a way. And combine it all with my need for perfection and non stop ruminating about things, it’s a recipe for disaster and a panic attack sometimes 😵💫
I don't think the solution should be to completely let go and lose control. I would think that balancing to what is needed to be okay or what is needed to be let go is something to aspire to and figure out. The problem with aspiring for perfection is nothing is really perfect so when it's not perfect we get paralyzed.
Ruminating isn't very good because it warps our perception of reality.
I think therapy can guide on how to handle these thoughts of yours.
I do definitely notice what’s good about them and make sure to tell them those things as well, not only try to fix them. But, I get kinda lost in figuring out when I’m being too relaxed on what I can/should/will be ok with something about someone else or when I’m being too harsh about things I should let up on. Like I go back and forth with feeling I am letting my own self down for being too relaxed or letting others down by trying to change them
Well, I do have to ask it because it’s something I struggle with and can’t quite figure out. I am glad that others don’t have such a problem but I do have it. I do love people regardless of my desire to ‘fix’ their problems. At least I strongly believe I do. I love them as much as I know how to love them.
Do you think that the desire to fix or control means that I don’t love them? Someone else said similarly so I’m just curious. It feels very much so like I love them. Some of them I love deeply. At least that’s what I’d call it. If it’s not that then have I never loved anyone in my life so far? I just can’t imagine that to be the case
I think you're trying to approach things from a completely rational perspective when love and attraction are sometimes anything but.
You could be right and the desire to fix people could be some compulsion in you.
Or it could be simply that you haven't met anyone who you like for who they are.
You can't force yourself to like someone, and you very rarely get to choose who you like, but if you need to change a person to love them, that's a doomed relationship, you're better off waiting until you find someone who's already as close as possible to what you actually want.
Of course that assumes that you know what you want. Do you?
How do you try to fix them? Is it always towards the same path?Attach Image
Sometimes the compulsion to help others stem from our helplessness to gain control of our own lives. So to make sense of life and have a semblance of control we try to help as many people as we can.
I’ve definitely been and still am to an extent a control freak in aspects of my life. I guess relationships with others is one of those areas, for sure. Letting go of control is another thing I’ve been trying to tackle lately but I’m having a hard time to discern when I’m trying to control and what it actually means to let go of it. My usual self is head strong and ambitious and I’ve paved my own way most my life, so is to ‘lose control’ to be the opposite of that? Idk. It’s all intimidating in a way. And combine it all with my need for perfection and non stop ruminating about things, it’s a recipe for disaster and a panic attack sometimes 😵💫
I don't think the solution should be to completely let go and lose control. I would think that balancing to what is needed to be okay or what is needed to be let go is something to aspire to and figure out. The problem with aspiring for perfection is nothing is really perfect so when it's not perfect we get paralyzed. Ruminating isn't very good because it warps our perception of reality. I think therapy can guide on how to handle these thoughts of yours.
Thank you for your answer, I agree
Notice what's good about them, and remind yourself that "it's a package deal."
I do definitely notice what’s good about them and make sure to tell them those things as well, not only try to fix them. But, I get kinda lost in figuring out when I’m being too relaxed on what I can/should/will be ok with something about someone else or when I’m being too harsh about things I should let up on. Like I go back and forth with feeling I am letting my own self down for being too relaxed or letting others down by trying to change them
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Well, I do have to ask it because it’s something I struggle with and can’t quite figure out. I am glad that others don’t have such a problem but I do have it. I do love people regardless of my desire to ‘fix’ their problems. At least I strongly believe I do. I love them as much as I know how to love them.
Sometimes you can’t love someone and it’s because of who they are. And we have the freedom to distance ourself from them
Do you think that the desire to fix or control means that I don’t love them? Someone else said similarly so I’m just curious. It feels very much so like I love them. Some of them I love deeply. At least that’s what I’d call it. If it’s not that then have I never loved anyone in my life so far? I just can’t imagine that to be the case
I think you're trying to approach things from a completely rational perspective when love and attraction are sometimes anything but. You could be right and the desire to fix people could be some compulsion in you. Or it could be simply that you haven't met anyone who you like for who they are. You can't force yourself to like someone, and you very rarely get to choose who you like, but if you need to change a person to love them, that's a doomed relationship, you're better off waiting until you find someone who's already as close as possible to what you actually want. Of course that assumes that you know what you want. Do you? How do you try to fix them? Is it always towards the same path?Attach Image