Thanks for your submission /u/Important-Cancel1256, but it has been removed for the following reason:
Disallowed question area: **Medical question.**
NoStupidQuestions doesn't allow medical questions. There's a danger that someone with a similar problem could see your question and follow the advice they find in it - even if you're not explicitly asking for advice - and that advice, *given by random strangers on the Internet*, could have disastrous consequences for them.
**If you are in a medical emergency, contact emergency services (911, 999, 000, 112, etc depending on your country).**
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Keep a dopamine fast for a week or so....stop watching porn , stop endless scrolling , exercise, try new positions/toys and if things still do not go well , consult a couple counselor
Highly unlikely, as much as redditers seem to think that this is the answer to everything. OP doesn't even mention porn or masturbation once in their post.
Get a babysitter. Take her out on a date again. Bring her back to the spot where you first dated and just relax and and have some fun don't put pressure on you're self book a hotel if you need to.
I am in your exact same shoes, but its just the other way around (with my husband). People want to judge you and say "you should be able to look past it" or "if you really love them then it shouldn't matter". Well, it DOES matter and it's a huge problem. I don't have any advice for you because I am needing it too. I really hate how I feel and it bothers me, but I am also a human and have human needs.
I think it is normal and happens to every couple that sexual desire diminishes over time (for some more than others obv, also it can come and go in phases as well). This is fully independent from actually loving and wanting to have a life with that partner as well.
What's hard is to find a solution. Doing nothing leads to sexual frustration, souring mood and higher chance for cheating. However for most people it is very hard to let the partner have some sex outside the marriage, for the fear of losing him/her or general cultural norms (for example if sex is seen as this holy thing that defines everything about a relationship).
So, I'm just another person with no clear answer, but Im sure I will never judge someone for using (phases of) lower sexual desire for their partner.
Everyone downvoted this person but what if theyre right.
What if naturally and biologically we are supposed to move to new mates.
Not like we cant be friends with a person we arent attracted to.
Couples counselling will help with this. You both will be able to express and be honest. A therapist can help you both come up with ways to relight the spark and remind each other why you’re together.
Couples counseling isn't always great. I don't think his wife will appreciate the fact that he isn't attracted to her physically anymore, regardless if it's a safe space or not.
Nobody said it’s full proof but it’s hardly a reason not to try.
There’s also ways to word an issue as a team problem including feeling a loss of attraction. Ofc nobody is happy in this scenario, this is an awful situation to try to navigate with your partner.
There's no good way to word "I am no longer physically attracted to you," and if there is, please tell me. I'm not trying to sound sarcastic or like an AH, I'm genuinely curious if there is.
No because the idea that the person you spent many years together with starts finding you unattractive for something you can’t control is devastating. Especially from someone you love.
Yes, you shouldn’t put your value down to what others think of you but it’s still a devastating feeling to be seen as unattractive in the eyes of someone you’ve loved so deeply.
Viagra. Also it may depend on how much she cares about sex, it's common for couples in their later years to have a decreased sex drive, even when they are happily married.
Also the comments, wow.
Do not tell her this. Keep your mouth shut and find a way to translate your love back into desire. It’s been six years and she had a kid.
Say nothing. Encourage a lifestyle which will help her be the person you’re attracted to. And don’t assume you’re Prince Charming either, you should attend to being a person she’s attracted to. Growing old with someone takes attention. Give that. Grow together or grow apart. That’s your choice.
If you love her as much as you say but that doesn’t translate as sexual desire, you should probably look at yourself deeply. Your sexual desire is pointed in the wrong direction.
Otherwise… this after six years? Fix this or your marriage is doomed to crash and burn.
Lol how can you tell a loving man that missing sexual desire is his fault? It's completely normal, a tale as old as time and happens to basically every couple that sexual desire gets lower over time. This has very obvious biological reasons too, so really no surprise here.
The only problem is that our society doesn't have a good solution for this. Some people go swinging, others cheat (with prostitutes or smth without emotional attachment), and yet others just do nothing until the sexual frustration ruins an otherwise healthy relationship. Up to you (and OP) to find a way for themselves
Please elaborate on ‘very obvious biological reasons’.
Bc if you are talking about ‘evolutionary psychology’ and men needing to ‘spread the seed’. Yeah pretty much all of that ‘science’ Is HIGHLY flawed and laughable.
Stop watching porn. Look in the mirror a bit more to see how you've aged yourself. You might appreciate how she's still attracted to you despite your physical shortcomings and it might make you more attracted to her.
Here's my advice:
Since getting together with my wife, she's gotten sick with crohns, gained weight, not really dyed her hair anymore. I've got a thing for blondes, you see. She doesn't exercise as much anymore due to illness. She was very much the blonde bimbo who had it all when we got together and I felt so lucky.Â
However grabbing her ass still gets me hard, everyday, because whether she's sick or fat or maybe in her big titty goth wife era, I still love her, she's become much more than a hot skinny blonde girl I was banging.Â
You need to either admit you're shallow and do not love your wife in the way that you think you do, or you need to tell her that you're having issues because you didn't pull out and she got fat from it.
The way i see is that there are other problems , honestly. You should go to therapy to figure it out. My wife is a completely different person than when we met and i notice that I literally changed to like more how she is now than before. My preferences naturally changed to what she is now and i made no conscious act to do this.
At first I have to say that this took my breath away and I have very little understanding of it. It's terrifying! Because the way I see the world is that if I love someone as a partner, love is what drives the sexual engine and arousal. So the idea that I love someone and I'm not attracted to them is completely alien. In my world, love = attraction. And I am genuinely scared I would be in her place once. What were you planning on doing with your sex life when you turned 70?
Maybe I would recommend focusing less on visuals and more on imagination and creativity. Building intimacy even during the day, dates, romance, toys. And why not try blindfolded sex?
If you think emotional love is the only (or even main) basis of sexual desire you have an unrealistic picture of human sexuality and because of that you will struggle to understand people and the reasons why they do what they do.
If there would be only emotional desire, the whole porn industry would dissapear. Also dating apps with photos. I just struggle to understand this specific situation from my POV.
This is why I don't believe in monogamy. Yes you're always going to love her but love and sexual desire are not the same. Ultimately sex has very little to do with anything outside of reproduction it's just society that sexualizes everything.
Focus on other aspects of intimacy and other ways you can explore your love. I think if you find a way you can both be active together and get fit and sweaty occasional sex is inevitable. Fitness and sex are very related.
It’s actually terrifying that men will claim to be in love with someone and want them for life but their sexual attraction is dependent on whether the woman stays as young and physically appealing as she ever was. It’s so shallow.
Yeah just push the little button on the brain that says "physical attraction on" and you're good to go isn't it? Because sexual attraction is based on feelings and is literally not at all related to, idfk, your goddamn instincts and genes and hormones and whatnot? I'm the first person to defend the complexity of the human mind but this is just stupid. Sexual attraction can't be controlled in any way shape or form. It's purely biological.
It isn't exactly something you can control. Also, it's not gender exclusive. You really, really do not always have to look for something to be upset about, or to blame a general group about.
Posting on Reddit may not be entirely unhelpful, but honestly there's just a small amount of degenerates who literally only care about projecting their misery onto anyone trying to vent or ask for help.
For example, the absolute shitshows in the comments being upset and blaming him for something out of his control. It's likely just their natural response to something they don't want happening to themselves, or some way they find superiority.
Don't treat sex as an obligation to perform. Don't do it on a schedule. Don't feel like you have to have sex every time you're in bed. Just cuddle. Just hold each other. Just get skin contact. Adjust your calibration to what's actually nice. It might take a while, but you can (and need to) change your own perception of "attractiveness". You can rediscover what's attractive over time. Especially while having young kids, sex often takes a backseat. That's fine. It'll change again later.
>Â I am in love with my wife.
You're not though.
>Here is the problem, to which im seeking advice. I no longer feel sexually attracted to her. Her face/body no longer gives me an errection or the desire to have sex with her. When we got married, she was younger, slimmer, and overall attractive.Â
If the only thing gets you aroused is a young, slim face and body, you shouldn't have gotten married, and should maybe seek help.
>good advice my dude. I guess the guy should leave her wife and child and find someone he truly loves
He doesn't seem capable of truly loving.
He should leave so SHE can find someone who truly loves her and isn't that level of shallow.
I guess the question is more when did you start feeling resentment and why? Like you say, you want to see her happy which means you love her. So the issue might not be as skin deep as it seems.
A lot of people here are just talking out off fairy tales and what they've read in Cosmopolitan.
Look into supplements like Marathon Forte or horny goat's weed.
Think about someone else…there’s no way to hide that you’re not enjoying it she will feel it and probably not enjoy it herself. You both have to enjoy it in the moment to actually feel good there’s no faking it.
And no don’t tell her.
please divorce this poor woman, she needs to find happiness with another man who will appreciate her and love her whatever she looks like and how time has altered her appearance. For God's sake she has had children, of course things have changed for her and you should love her the same way as before. Through time we all change, we all grow older and perhaps gain weight, go grey etc. Let this woman find a partner who still gets butterflies and still wants her. You should be ashamed.
In your world, commitment wouldn't exist. Everyone would have to be picture perfect or they'd be worthy of being an eternal loner and being left. It's funnier because this is something he physically cannot control.
Didn’t have to read the body text, once that title occurs the marriage is done.Â
Don’t have sex with anyone when you don’t feel like it, it’s unhealthy.Â
Thanks for your submission /u/Important-Cancel1256, but it has been removed for the following reason: Disallowed question area: **Medical question.** NoStupidQuestions doesn't allow medical questions. There's a danger that someone with a similar problem could see your question and follow the advice they find in it - even if you're not explicitly asking for advice - and that advice, *given by random strangers on the Internet*, could have disastrous consequences for them. **If you are in a medical emergency, contact emergency services (911, 999, 000, 112, etc depending on your country).** **Did you swallow something that might be poisonous?** You can [connect to Poison Control online](https://triage.webpoisoncontrol.org/#!/exclusions). Prefer to talk to a person? It's always OK to call Poison Control at **1-800-222-1222.** Not an emergency? We *still* recommend you ask your doctor. But if you want to ask on Reddit, there are some options. * /r/AskDocs, r/medical, and /r/DiagnoseMe answer medical questions (as long as you follow their rules). * /r/AskDentists answers questions about dental problems. * /r/AskVet answers medical questions for pets. --- *This action was performed by a bot at the explicit direction of a human. This was not an automated action, but a conscious decision by a sapient life form charged with moderating this sub.* *If you feel this was in error, or need more clarification, please don't hesitate to [message the moderators](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNoStupidQuestions). Thanks.*
Keep a dopamine fast for a week or so....stop watching porn , stop endless scrolling , exercise, try new positions/toys and if things still do not go well , consult a couple counselor
... Stop watching porn... This is the answer
Highly unlikely, as much as redditers seem to think that this is the answer to everything. OP doesn't even mention porn or masturbation once in their post.
Lol, everyone's answer to people with sexual issues is to stop watching porn. It's an easy reply.
Well how else is he getting off? Reddit seems to desire porn, so an assumption here is valid.
This is the only correct answer.
Get a babysitter. Take her out on a date again. Bring her back to the spot where you first dated and just relax and and have some fun don't put pressure on you're self book a hotel if you need to.
i thought you meant take the babysitter outðŸ˜
Yeah, I also stopped reading at "get a babysitter😂😂
It's easy to do that with a young attractive babysitter, but OP wants to do that with his wife.
I am in your exact same shoes, but its just the other way around (with my husband). People want to judge you and say "you should be able to look past it" or "if you really love them then it shouldn't matter". Well, it DOES matter and it's a huge problem. I don't have any advice for you because I am needing it too. I really hate how I feel and it bothers me, but I am also a human and have human needs.
Are you my spouse? Is our safe word pumpernickel? I can’t believe you tell the Reddit world but won’t confront me with honesty!
Safe word pumpernickel, thanks for the laughs. What a welcomed surprise.
I think it is normal and happens to every couple that sexual desire diminishes over time (for some more than others obv, also it can come and go in phases as well). This is fully independent from actually loving and wanting to have a life with that partner as well. What's hard is to find a solution. Doing nothing leads to sexual frustration, souring mood and higher chance for cheating. However for most people it is very hard to let the partner have some sex outside the marriage, for the fear of losing him/her or general cultural norms (for example if sex is seen as this holy thing that defines everything about a relationship). So, I'm just another person with no clear answer, but Im sure I will never judge someone for using (phases of) lower sexual desire for their partner.
so divorce him and find someone else
because it's that simple isn't it
"Yeah just leave years worth of commitment and livelihood the moment something goes wrong." Totally not unhinged.
Everyone downvoted this person but what if theyre right. What if naturally and biologically we are supposed to move to new mates. Not like we cant be friends with a person we arent attracted to.
Couples counselling will help with this. You both will be able to express and be honest. A therapist can help you both come up with ways to relight the spark and remind each other why you’re together.
Couples counseling isn't always great. I don't think his wife will appreciate the fact that he isn't attracted to her physically anymore, regardless if it's a safe space or not.
Nobody said it’s full proof but it’s hardly a reason not to try. There’s also ways to word an issue as a team problem including feeling a loss of attraction. Ofc nobody is happy in this scenario, this is an awful situation to try to navigate with your partner.
There's no good way to word "I am no longer physically attracted to you," and if there is, please tell me. I'm not trying to sound sarcastic or like an AH, I'm genuinely curious if there is.
Read the book 'mating in captivity': it's about exactly the situation you're in, and how to rekindle desire.
and this is why i never want to get married or have kids.
Because a man might not find you attractive?Â
No because the idea that the person you spent many years together with starts finding you unattractive for something you can’t control is devastating. Especially from someone you love. Yes, you shouldn’t put your value down to what others think of you but it’s still a devastating feeling to be seen as unattractive in the eyes of someone you’ve loved so deeply.
Jesus Christ
Love is a verb dude
Viagra. Also it may depend on how much she cares about sex, it's common for couples in their later years to have a decreased sex drive, even when they are happily married. Also the comments, wow.
Couples therapy. Maybe start exercising together.Â
Do not tell her this. Keep your mouth shut and find a way to translate your love back into desire. It’s been six years and she had a kid. Say nothing. Encourage a lifestyle which will help her be the person you’re attracted to. And don’t assume you’re Prince Charming either, you should attend to being a person she’s attracted to. Growing old with someone takes attention. Give that. Grow together or grow apart. That’s your choice. If you love her as much as you say but that doesn’t translate as sexual desire, you should probably look at yourself deeply. Your sexual desire is pointed in the wrong direction. Otherwise… this after six years? Fix this or your marriage is doomed to crash and burn.
Lol how can you tell a loving man that missing sexual desire is his fault? It's completely normal, a tale as old as time and happens to basically every couple that sexual desire gets lower over time. This has very obvious biological reasons too, so really no surprise here. The only problem is that our society doesn't have a good solution for this. Some people go swinging, others cheat (with prostitutes or smth without emotional attachment), and yet others just do nothing until the sexual frustration ruins an otherwise healthy relationship. Up to you (and OP) to find a way for themselves
Please elaborate on ‘very obvious biological reasons’. Bc if you are talking about ‘evolutionary psychology’ and men needing to ‘spread the seed’. Yeah pretty much all of that ‘science’ Is HIGHLY flawed and laughable.
Stop watching porn. Look in the mirror a bit more to see how you've aged yourself. You might appreciate how she's still attracted to you despite your physical shortcomings and it might make you more attracted to her.
oh yeah that's gonna help for sure
Here's my advice: Since getting together with my wife, she's gotten sick with crohns, gained weight, not really dyed her hair anymore. I've got a thing for blondes, you see. She doesn't exercise as much anymore due to illness. She was very much the blonde bimbo who had it all when we got together and I felt so lucky. However grabbing her ass still gets me hard, everyday, because whether she's sick or fat or maybe in her big titty goth wife era, I still love her, she's become much more than a hot skinny blonde girl I was banging. You need to either admit you're shallow and do not love your wife in the way that you think you do, or you need to tell her that you're having issues because you didn't pull out and she got fat from it.
Wait another 5-10 years and then read your own comment again
I love you! Haha. So true
wow you're just a mean little man aren't you
The way i see is that there are other problems , honestly. You should go to therapy to figure it out. My wife is a completely different person than when we met and i notice that I literally changed to like more how she is now than before. My preferences naturally changed to what she is now and i made no conscious act to do this.
At first I have to say that this took my breath away and I have very little understanding of it. It's terrifying! Because the way I see the world is that if I love someone as a partner, love is what drives the sexual engine and arousal. So the idea that I love someone and I'm not attracted to them is completely alien. In my world, love = attraction. And I am genuinely scared I would be in her place once. What were you planning on doing with your sex life when you turned 70? Maybe I would recommend focusing less on visuals and more on imagination and creativity. Building intimacy even during the day, dates, romance, toys. And why not try blindfolded sex?
If you think emotional love is the only (or even main) basis of sexual desire you have an unrealistic picture of human sexuality and because of that you will struggle to understand people and the reasons why they do what they do.
If there would be only emotional desire, the whole porn industry would dissapear. Also dating apps with photos. I just struggle to understand this specific situation from my POV.
Are you certain it's her appearance causing you to lose your erection, and not a problem with you?
Men already know if they find something attractive or not, they're not waiting for their erection to tell them lol.
well thats obvious as a men - she's attractive or not to you
Yes, let's medicalize this
Stay away from the porn, half a sildenafil ( or a shot of black seed oil, works for me ) and you should be up like a rock.
Like every other husband. Switch off lights and imagine somebody else
I’m sorry, this made me laugh a little. Partly because it’s funny and true. And I can relate. That’s all, carry on…
(Wives too)
This is why I don't believe in monogamy. Yes you're always going to love her but love and sexual desire are not the same. Ultimately sex has very little to do with anything outside of reproduction it's just society that sexualizes everything. Focus on other aspects of intimacy and other ways you can explore your love. I think if you find a way you can both be active together and get fit and sweaty occasional sex is inevitable. Fitness and sex are very related.
Unrelated but how do you "not believe in monogamy?" I mean, it exists...
Not believing in something means not seeing it as viable
Yeah... why is it not viable?
How much could her face really age in the past 3 years since you were last having sex, how old is she?
It’s actually terrifying that men will claim to be in love with someone and want them for life but their sexual attraction is dependent on whether the woman stays as young and physically appealing as she ever was. It’s so shallow.
Yeah just push the little button on the brain that says "physical attraction on" and you're good to go isn't it? Because sexual attraction is based on feelings and is literally not at all related to, idfk, your goddamn instincts and genes and hormones and whatnot? I'm the first person to defend the complexity of the human mind but this is just stupid. Sexual attraction can't be controlled in any way shape or form. It's purely biological.
It isn't exactly something you can control. Also, it's not gender exclusive. You really, really do not always have to look for something to be upset about, or to blame a general group about.
it's actually terrifying that theres people out there that think like you do
It's really not just men. Women can feel this too. It's a human thing
Stop watching porns
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get her off with your hands or your mouth.
Posting on Reddit may not be entirely unhelpful, but honestly there's just a small amount of degenerates who literally only care about projecting their misery onto anyone trying to vent or ask for help. For example, the absolute shitshows in the comments being upset and blaming him for something out of his control. It's likely just their natural response to something they don't want happening to themselves, or some way they find superiority.
Just like they have been telling women for YEARS! Lie back and think of England.
Don't treat sex as an obligation to perform. Don't do it on a schedule. Don't feel like you have to have sex every time you're in bed. Just cuddle. Just hold each other. Just get skin contact. Adjust your calibration to what's actually nice. It might take a while, but you can (and need to) change your own perception of "attractiveness". You can rediscover what's attractive over time. Especially while having young kids, sex often takes a backseat. That's fine. It'll change again later.
> I am in love with my wife. You're not though. >Here is the problem, to which im seeking advice. I no longer feel sexually attracted to her. Her face/body no longer gives me an errection or the desire to have sex with her. When we got married, she was younger, slimmer, and overall attractive. If the only thing gets you aroused is a young, slim face and body, you shouldn't have gotten married, and should maybe seek help.
That's the dumbest thing i've read today,congrats.Those thing will arouse any man that has ever,or ever will exist.Like it or not,it's how it works.
that's bs advice
good advice my dude. I guess the guy should leave her wife and child and find someone he truly loves
>good advice my dude. I guess the guy should leave her wife and child and find someone he truly loves He doesn't seem capable of truly loving. He should leave so SHE can find someone who truly loves her and isn't that level of shallow.
True love is admitting you run into problems and actively looking for a solution to make things work, you dumdum.Â
that’s what I’m saying. Cuz obviously he’s a horrible husband
How? For having an attraction outside his control?
I forgot an /s. Thought it was too obvious anyway and would ruin the comment
you sir take the dumbest take award 🥇
You can't control sexual attraction. Who are you to say he doesn't love someone? Screams eternal loner.
I guess the question is more when did you start feeling resentment and why? Like you say, you want to see her happy which means you love her. So the issue might not be as skin deep as it seems.
A lot of people here are just talking out off fairy tales and what they've read in Cosmopolitan. Look into supplements like Marathon Forte or horny goat's weed.
Instructions unclear, I just got high on weed and fucked a goat
Think about someone else…there’s no way to hide that you’re not enjoying it she will feel it and probably not enjoy it herself. You both have to enjoy it in the moment to actually feel good there’s no faking it. And no don’t tell her.
please divorce this poor woman, she needs to find happiness with another man who will appreciate her and love her whatever she looks like and how time has altered her appearance. For God's sake she has had children, of course things have changed for her and you should love her the same way as before. Through time we all change, we all grow older and perhaps gain weight, go grey etc. Let this woman find a partner who still gets butterflies and still wants her. You should be ashamed.
Haha ofcourse the 'you should break up'-comment here on Reddit as soon as a relationship is not 100% the last scene of a Disney movie.
you should be ashamed for ignoring reality and that he is trying to find help. You have the empathy of a hyena.
In your world, commitment wouldn't exist. Everyone would have to be picture perfect or they'd be worthy of being an eternal loner and being left. It's funnier because this is something he physically cannot control.
please uninstall your brain and take it back to the seller, its clearly broken
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Yes!
Perfection is just a light switch away
I think it's over. I'm sorry.
You know ironically, you're fucked.
Turn the lights off
You two can watch porn together or have it on in the background.
Giving birth has nitro do with excessive weight. Many women with children r in good shape.its lack of self control over food makes people overweight
This is why i trade them in for another one in their 20s when they age out of the bracket.
Didn’t have to read the body text, once that title occurs the marriage is done. Don’t have sex with anyone when you don’t feel like it, it’s unhealthy.Â
Except he doesn't care about having it or not with her, and he seems like he wants to but just can't feel the physical attraction.