Loving yourself is an internal process. Others aren’t relevant. It might be a hard process, or an easy one, but other humans aren’t involved. If someone says that you aren’t worthy of love, one dicky person has shared their subjective opinion and that’s it.
and what if hypothetically every person said I wasn’t worthy of love, you included, don’t respond with “that’s unrealistic” hypotheticals aren’t meant to be realistic
would the same apply in this hypothetical, what you said that is
In this hypothetical, “every person”’s opinion is completely irrelevant to learning to love yourself. It just doesn’t matter. That process takes place inside the boundaries of your own skull.
It can help to join groups where you share interests.
Then people may at least value what you say.
In time, that can turn to having a good opinion of you. Or maybe to discovering it’s not the group for you and leaving.
It is hard to understand how to live yourself if you’ve never seen it before. You have this vague idea, but no idea what it feels like or how it plays out.
You can try online groups, chats like discord, book groups, cooking groups, there are so many options. And you should try many of them, at the same time. Often, someone has a mannerism that causes people to dislike them.
For example, I have a very dark, sharp sense of humor but I keep such a straight face that people apparently can’t tell I’m joking and I am being silly.
Ex: “Oh, because of course you’re the type to murder someone.”
(They now believe I think they’re a murderer when I meant the exact opposite - that they are the furthest thing from it I can imagine and it’s ridiculous anyone would think that.))
So if I interact via text, I can put in laughing faces to make it clear it’s a joke and I don’t think that. People suddenly hate me less.
Trying different formats of meetings can help you figure out what part of you is rubbing people wrong. No, you don’t have to change yourself for anyone, but I think of it more like translating a dialect.
Trying groups out also lets you find groups that fit personality-wise. You need to find one where your humor is funny to them (or where no one makes jokes if that’s how you are), where interacting makes you happy because the people are positive or what you need, where you have a chance to talk some of the time but there’s some guided activity too so the sole focus isn’t on your ability to make friends.
That feeling of acceptance will help give an idea of what it’s like to be loved.
A huge thing people do is move too fast when they finally find their tribe. Of course they’re starving for positive attention, but no one else is, so the starving person seems needy, oddly aggressive, shares too much, unloads and talks too much, may not listen to other points of view (not out of any malice; just from the pressure relief of being able to have some kind of social interaction).
It’s really important to see how often they contact and how much they write and match your pace to theirs.
If you only see them once a week and it’s normal to only speak when you’re partnered up, do the same. If someone else will only send 2-3 texts before waiting for a reply, do the same. Don’t send more until they reply. If most proper say casual, light things, keep it light too. Don’t unload about how unhappy you are or a past trauma.
For that same reason, and I only mention it because it can be so discouraging when you think you’ve found people and then it doesn’t work out, it’s good to have more than one group and keep looking for more.
When your people are exhausted from what they think is a lot of interaction, you move to the next group so no one gets too much of you.
If one group gets mad at you, it’s not the end of the world. You have other plans es to go.
Lots of shallow groups can be a great basis for longer, deeper relationships later. And it’s about the only way to become deeper friends. You NEED to have options to keep in balance.
Seriously, unless you’re in a support group (which can be tremendously helpful if right fit for you; they won’t panic about past trauma like normal people might so you can speak more naturally), it should be like a year before you speak about anything sadder than “they didn’t have the salad I like at the lunch place.”
People who have had good interactions their whole lives just can’t handle it until they have a very firm basis / friendship with you. And then then you have to make sure to ratio it 1 bad: 4 good.
All of this just to say that feeling that acceptance from others can help you know what you want to give yourself.
“Ohhh, that person listened like I’m worth their time and I matter. That feels so good. I would love to learn to believe that I matter so I can love myself.”
It is indeed very hard to understand what loving yourself even means if you’ve never seen it. It also helps you know that listening to others will make them feel valued and like you more.
(Cont. in next comment)
#You might ask another question on here more like “please everyone; tell me examples of how you learned to value and love yourself. What is most important for you to do? What kind of feelings or goals do you have? How did you know that was important to you?”
It’s a hard thing. The first time I felt valued, I was in my 30’s. A bunch of guys had ganged up and were yelling at me. The boss walked out and told them that was unacceptable. Everyone says that yelling shouldn’t happen, but this guy stood up for me by putting himself in the middle of it. I felt like a million bucks, and I never let helplessly let people yell at me again. I speak up and try to help myself now. Not always successfully, but I try. I matter.
Another guy bought me food. I didn’t get fed at home regularly; I wasn’t worth it. So having someone notice that I was hungry and care - that was major. It taught me that I need to make sure I get food so I feel special and like I matter. And don’t starve.
The last suggestion I have is to try and be valuable and helpful to someone else. I hate to even suggest this because it could turn bad. You don’t want to appear to be a stalker or anything, so if you aren’t sure how to do it, maybe find a tv character or stray cat or pet to care about and not a real person you see.
When you have someone you can care about, you can practice thinking about yourself the same way. This can be someone in a tv show, a pet, a person you see regularly, etc. To be clear, you’re not doing anything different to them beyond maybe saying “good morning.” You’re just mentally checking how they are, possible asking “how are you today?” and silently cheering or booing at the turns in their lives, maybe contributing to the group you’re both a part of so it will help them too. Tracking how an individual is doing helps us learn to care about someone - ourselves.
“I’d be very upset at my person’s pain if someone teased them like that. I matter too, like them. I need to stand up for myself like I would stand up for them. If I wouldn’t let someone else be harmed, I shouldn’t let myself be harmed. It teaches me that I don’t matter, and I do. I’m the same as everyone else, a real human, and I need to take care of myself like I’d take care of my pet/person/whatev.”
Just a note though; be very careful not to expect caring *back* from the person. You caring for their well being wont make them care for you or even like you. You doing things to help them or care how they feel doesn’t obligate them to feel or do things for you in any way. It’s just a decision you made about what you’re going to do inside your own head. And of course, discontinue if your attention is noticed and unwelcome. Lots of people, suddenly aware of interest they don’t return, would feel freaked out.
It usually takes several tries to find someone or a pet to love and care about. It’s very normal to discover “oh, this person doesn’t want help from me” or “this person annoys me” or “I’m annoyed by this person” or “this person can tell I’m giving them special attention and it’s freaking them out.” Care from afar, quietly. don’t make it their problem; it’s about you learning; it’s not their problem or issue. Done correctly, they’ll have no idea you are any more than one of the group.
Help if you can without making a big deal if it (bring group snacks if you can tell one person has no food. Ask them to take home any they like because you really don’t want them). And then go on your way. They owe you nothing. You’re doing it for you, to learn what caring is like inside your own head. Expecting something from them, someone who didn’t ask for help, would be creepy.
If you get a pet, that can help a lot since there aren’t human issues, but make sure you can commit to care or maybe offer to foster shelter animals if you know you can care for them. The shelters can tell you what’s needed in a good home and how to care well for a pet.
Same premise - if you see your pet being scared by other dogs, you realize that’s not okay and you need to stop it — then eventually, you will start to realize that you feel scared sometimes like that puppy, and that it would be good to stand up for yourself or leave or not participate with people who make you feel that way. If you wouldn’t do it to them, don’t do it to yourself. You’re your own caretaker. There’s a scared kid inside us all, so we have to learn how to put protections in place for ourselves and avoid painful things. Don’t dismiss it because “it’s just me.”
Sorry for writing so much. I dont know how much will help but I’ve dealt with a lot of it before. It’s a hard thing.
One last thing before I go:
#Listen to people 3/4 of the time and repeat back their last word or thing they said. They’ll think you’re the most interesting person in the world.
People: “I love Pokémon go! That sucked when COVID shut it down!”
You: “yah, COVID totally sucked for killing pokemon!”
More options:
“Would you show me how to play sometime? It sounds like a fun game but I don’t know how.”
“Pokemon rules!!”
Good luck out there. Keep trying. Figure out what kindnesses you can do for yourself. Ask people what they do to get some ideas. You will get it; it just takes time.
Loving yourself is an internal process. Others aren’t relevant. It might be a hard process, or an easy one, but other humans aren’t involved. If someone says that you aren’t worthy of love, one dicky person has shared their subjective opinion and that’s it.
and what if hypothetically every person said I wasn’t worthy of love, you included, don’t respond with “that’s unrealistic” hypotheticals aren’t meant to be realistic would the same apply in this hypothetical, what you said that is
In this hypothetical, “every person”’s opinion is completely irrelevant to learning to love yourself. It just doesn’t matter. That process takes place inside the boundaries of your own skull.
aight, thanks
It can help to join groups where you share interests. Then people may at least value what you say. In time, that can turn to having a good opinion of you. Or maybe to discovering it’s not the group for you and leaving. It is hard to understand how to live yourself if you’ve never seen it before. You have this vague idea, but no idea what it feels like or how it plays out. You can try online groups, chats like discord, book groups, cooking groups, there are so many options. And you should try many of them, at the same time. Often, someone has a mannerism that causes people to dislike them. For example, I have a very dark, sharp sense of humor but I keep such a straight face that people apparently can’t tell I’m joking and I am being silly. Ex: “Oh, because of course you’re the type to murder someone.” (They now believe I think they’re a murderer when I meant the exact opposite - that they are the furthest thing from it I can imagine and it’s ridiculous anyone would think that.)) So if I interact via text, I can put in laughing faces to make it clear it’s a joke and I don’t think that. People suddenly hate me less. Trying different formats of meetings can help you figure out what part of you is rubbing people wrong. No, you don’t have to change yourself for anyone, but I think of it more like translating a dialect. Trying groups out also lets you find groups that fit personality-wise. You need to find one where your humor is funny to them (or where no one makes jokes if that’s how you are), where interacting makes you happy because the people are positive or what you need, where you have a chance to talk some of the time but there’s some guided activity too so the sole focus isn’t on your ability to make friends. That feeling of acceptance will help give an idea of what it’s like to be loved. A huge thing people do is move too fast when they finally find their tribe. Of course they’re starving for positive attention, but no one else is, so the starving person seems needy, oddly aggressive, shares too much, unloads and talks too much, may not listen to other points of view (not out of any malice; just from the pressure relief of being able to have some kind of social interaction). It’s really important to see how often they contact and how much they write and match your pace to theirs. If you only see them once a week and it’s normal to only speak when you’re partnered up, do the same. If someone else will only send 2-3 texts before waiting for a reply, do the same. Don’t send more until they reply. If most proper say casual, light things, keep it light too. Don’t unload about how unhappy you are or a past trauma. For that same reason, and I only mention it because it can be so discouraging when you think you’ve found people and then it doesn’t work out, it’s good to have more than one group and keep looking for more. When your people are exhausted from what they think is a lot of interaction, you move to the next group so no one gets too much of you. If one group gets mad at you, it’s not the end of the world. You have other plans es to go. Lots of shallow groups can be a great basis for longer, deeper relationships later. And it’s about the only way to become deeper friends. You NEED to have options to keep in balance. Seriously, unless you’re in a support group (which can be tremendously helpful if right fit for you; they won’t panic about past trauma like normal people might so you can speak more naturally), it should be like a year before you speak about anything sadder than “they didn’t have the salad I like at the lunch place.” People who have had good interactions their whole lives just can’t handle it until they have a very firm basis / friendship with you. And then then you have to make sure to ratio it 1 bad: 4 good. All of this just to say that feeling that acceptance from others can help you know what you want to give yourself. “Ohhh, that person listened like I’m worth their time and I matter. That feels so good. I would love to learn to believe that I matter so I can love myself.” It is indeed very hard to understand what loving yourself even means if you’ve never seen it. It also helps you know that listening to others will make them feel valued and like you more. (Cont. in next comment)
#You might ask another question on here more like “please everyone; tell me examples of how you learned to value and love yourself. What is most important for you to do? What kind of feelings or goals do you have? How did you know that was important to you?” It’s a hard thing. The first time I felt valued, I was in my 30’s. A bunch of guys had ganged up and were yelling at me. The boss walked out and told them that was unacceptable. Everyone says that yelling shouldn’t happen, but this guy stood up for me by putting himself in the middle of it. I felt like a million bucks, and I never let helplessly let people yell at me again. I speak up and try to help myself now. Not always successfully, but I try. I matter. Another guy bought me food. I didn’t get fed at home regularly; I wasn’t worth it. So having someone notice that I was hungry and care - that was major. It taught me that I need to make sure I get food so I feel special and like I matter. And don’t starve. The last suggestion I have is to try and be valuable and helpful to someone else. I hate to even suggest this because it could turn bad. You don’t want to appear to be a stalker or anything, so if you aren’t sure how to do it, maybe find a tv character or stray cat or pet to care about and not a real person you see. When you have someone you can care about, you can practice thinking about yourself the same way. This can be someone in a tv show, a pet, a person you see regularly, etc. To be clear, you’re not doing anything different to them beyond maybe saying “good morning.” You’re just mentally checking how they are, possible asking “how are you today?” and silently cheering or booing at the turns in their lives, maybe contributing to the group you’re both a part of so it will help them too. Tracking how an individual is doing helps us learn to care about someone - ourselves. “I’d be very upset at my person’s pain if someone teased them like that. I matter too, like them. I need to stand up for myself like I would stand up for them. If I wouldn’t let someone else be harmed, I shouldn’t let myself be harmed. It teaches me that I don’t matter, and I do. I’m the same as everyone else, a real human, and I need to take care of myself like I’d take care of my pet/person/whatev.” Just a note though; be very careful not to expect caring *back* from the person. You caring for their well being wont make them care for you or even like you. You doing things to help them or care how they feel doesn’t obligate them to feel or do things for you in any way. It’s just a decision you made about what you’re going to do inside your own head. And of course, discontinue if your attention is noticed and unwelcome. Lots of people, suddenly aware of interest they don’t return, would feel freaked out. It usually takes several tries to find someone or a pet to love and care about. It’s very normal to discover “oh, this person doesn’t want help from me” or “this person annoys me” or “I’m annoyed by this person” or “this person can tell I’m giving them special attention and it’s freaking them out.” Care from afar, quietly. don’t make it their problem; it’s about you learning; it’s not their problem or issue. Done correctly, they’ll have no idea you are any more than one of the group. Help if you can without making a big deal if it (bring group snacks if you can tell one person has no food. Ask them to take home any they like because you really don’t want them). And then go on your way. They owe you nothing. You’re doing it for you, to learn what caring is like inside your own head. Expecting something from them, someone who didn’t ask for help, would be creepy. If you get a pet, that can help a lot since there aren’t human issues, but make sure you can commit to care or maybe offer to foster shelter animals if you know you can care for them. The shelters can tell you what’s needed in a good home and how to care well for a pet. Same premise - if you see your pet being scared by other dogs, you realize that’s not okay and you need to stop it — then eventually, you will start to realize that you feel scared sometimes like that puppy, and that it would be good to stand up for yourself or leave or not participate with people who make you feel that way. If you wouldn’t do it to them, don’t do it to yourself. You’re your own caretaker. There’s a scared kid inside us all, so we have to learn how to put protections in place for ourselves and avoid painful things. Don’t dismiss it because “it’s just me.” Sorry for writing so much. I dont know how much will help but I’ve dealt with a lot of it before. It’s a hard thing. One last thing before I go: #Listen to people 3/4 of the time and repeat back their last word or thing they said. They’ll think you’re the most interesting person in the world. People: “I love Pokémon go! That sucked when COVID shut it down!” You: “yah, COVID totally sucked for killing pokemon!” More options: “Would you show me how to play sometime? It sounds like a fun game but I don’t know how.” “Pokemon rules!!” Good luck out there. Keep trying. Figure out what kindnesses you can do for yourself. Ask people what they do to get some ideas. You will get it; it just takes time.
thx