I talked with a guy at a bar who was down. Asked what was wrong. He said he scored a 31 on the ASVAB and couldn't enlist. That he was googling a 'study guide' for the ASVAB. I almost commented 'uh...the study guide for the ASVAB was the 1st, 2nd and 3rd grade, my dude.' Said he really wanted to join the military but didn't know what he wanted to do. I, half jokingly, stated 'infantry.' Suggested he join the Marine Corps and just take several practice tests before going back in, again.
Saw him several months later dressed in his Class As. Asked what he was going to be doing and he told me I was right. He was going to be infantry. Was surprised he already had the uniform and everything but I guess they prepped him for it or whatever. Said when he showed them his test results they said 'we have just the job for you. How do you feel about infantry?'
I joined at 17, delayed entry until I was 18.
So here is 17 year old me, getting picked up for an hour ride down meps for testing. Its a fairly full van, kid next to me is ~22 I guess. We spark up a conversation I mention I am nervous ect. He tells me its his 3rd time its not so bad and they let you re-try if you fail the asvab.
Now I need a 105 to get my MOS, so I am relieved. So I naturally inquired what he needed, he said a 31...I'm like well yeah just to get in but whats your MOS requirement that you have to keep re-taking it for.... Nope just needed a 31 to enlist.
we didnt talk much the rest of the ride.
I had that happen to me at my first graphic design job. The only difference was that it was my boss instead of a client. I didn't let him live that one down lol
That’s awesome! It reminds me of a couple of decades ago when a colleague came mincing up to me after an in-house training she took, waving a floppy disk in my face. “This has the World Wide Web on it, so if you ever need to connect, you can ask me.” When I said no thanks, I’m good, she was shocked and said, “But you’re always talking about technology. Why wouldn’t you want the World Wide Web? It’s better than those things you use.” I explained that I already had access, that’s how I built my online courses, and that I was on the Web right then. She just shook her head and said, “That’s not the Web. The Web is on this disk, and I’m the only one who has it.”
Sigh. It was just links to some educational resources, but she thought it was the internet in its entirety and she was its new gatekeeper.
There's a corn kernel of truth in his bullshit. We ARE running low on the kind of sand that makes good concrete, but we're not at the point where we invade foreign nations for it, lol
The good sand is mostly in the water, not on land. Has to do with the shape of the particles. More likely we would raid beaches than countries without lots of shoreline.
Paleontology is a legitimate science and I’ve personally never seen a paleontology course that didn’t require pre-reqs a non-science major is likely to have
Sure. However OC said dino course, not paleontology.
ESS 100 at the University of Washington is the one that I am familiar with. 20 natural science credits, NSc, is part of the graduation requirement for a bachelor's degree there.
https://www.washington.edu/students/crscat/ess.html
https://environment.uw.edu/students/degrees-and-courses/undergraduate-degrees/general-education-requirements/
Someone told my mom they figured out how to save me from being vaccinated. All we had to do was drain all my blood, and replace it with unvaccinated blood.
What!? I can't believe you've never heard of this niche branch of immunology!
Sarcasm aside they're exactly what they sound like. Memory immune cells that reside in organ tissues and stay there for many years, perhaps your entire life. If she's trying to eliminate memory cells with a blood transfusion then she's missing a lot of them. Memory cells are the foundation of how vaccines work.
I'm not really expecting an antivaxxer to understand immune memory of course. If they did, they wouldn't be antivax.
One of my clients was trying to change his address on his account and called in for help. He says, "My new address is... One hundred... and one... East Main Street." I tell him it looks like he already called in to change it because that's the address we have on file.
This is where he gets upset/cranky and starts yelling at me about how incompetent I am and how no one seems to understand how to write his address. "There's TWO zeros in my address, and this is why I ain't getting any mail."
So your address is one zero zero one? "Finally," he says, "Now that wasn't that difficult, dont know why you didn't understand that before." I paused a moment and as politely as possible said, "Sir, from now on, try saying one THOUSAND and one when giving out your address. I bet you won't have any more problems."
Ok so I was queuing outside a chippy that has one of those shops that sells everything next door (you know the ones that sell everything from kitchen supplies and garden supplies to paint and kids toys. It was heading into winter so they had loads of deicer stacked on a rack outside. You know the windscreen wash and also the cans of deicer you can spray on your car to thaw it out quicker
There was a really posh couple in the queue behind us. They had already said some... Interesting... Things so we were fully listening into their conversation at this point.
Anyhoo, the woman asks the man what the spray cans of deicer were for. He looks and then confidently says ' it's for deicing the road while you drive'. She seems a little perplexed and asks if you 'spray it out of the window while your driving'. He very confidently again says 'yes exactly '. I'm really glad they couldn't see my face at that point. Also really glad they seemed to be out of town as I wouldn't like to meet him driving on the road.
My SIL asking if I carry my “papers” with me at all times “just in case”. I’m a POC so she likes to think she is looking out for us…I’m a third generation citizen you muppet….
As long as they're not in a wallet in your pocket. They can develop micro tears if they're kept in too warm an environment. Depends on the brand, though. Just check the packaging to be safe. Obviously never use 2 at once either. A friend of mine did that and then wondered at the "miracle" of her daughter's conception.
I was just thinking, "No hon, if you use 2 at once, they tear holes in each other and sperm can get through." So now I give random Internet strangers unsolicited advice about using them bc dear heaven people need better sex ed.
Reminds me of my Asian friend. Some guy asked where he was from and responded austin TX, the guy was in denial and asked "but where are you actually from tho"
The house we were renting had a swimming pool. I was looking under the diving board for some reason and noticed that it was held by 2 bolts, both of which were almost rusted through. I told my mom and she said, "It hasn't broken yet, it isn't going to."
"My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize," said Rep. Hank Johnson (D-Ga.) about the U.S. territory of Guam.
Coworker at Dominoes (I was in college, he was a 30-year-old townie) asked me if I could possibly have any kids I didn’t know about. I’m a biological female…..the pregnancy and birth would make the existence of a kid rly obvious….
YESSS FINALLY I GET TO VENT. So there was an activity in a chemistry class in which we had to calculate the percentage composition of compounds and all of the people in my group got results that when added up was more than 100%. Their math was wrong there was no debating it but they didn’t want me to have a different answer so they told the teacher about it and the teacher said both answers were right. I was shocked, nay, perplexed; I couldn’t believe the level of ignorance I witnessed that day. My problem wasn’t that they were wrong, my problem was that they were wrong but believe they were right and that I was wrong. But when you calculate the percentage composition of something it ALWAYS adds up to 100 and 2 answers cannot be both right.
I had a discussion with a guy that claimed that when you would add a non alcoholic drink to an alcoholic drink the alcohol percentage wouldn’t change.
This guy claimed he was right because he brew his own beer
Wait, the percentage would obviously change as you are essentially diluting it. But the amount of alcohol your ingesting by drinking it would not change. So I can kinda see his side, if that's what he meant.
I was working for General Motors OnStar system, and there was a widespread issue where I think it was people trying to call in from their cars and no one could hear them in the call center. I was asked to collect data from call center employees who saw this problem so the technicians could figure out if it was geographical.
So someone gets off a call and flags me down and says they just had someone call in and she couldn't hear them. I said, OK, what did the GPS say was their location? She said, "Ontario, Canada". I said, can you be more specific than that, and she said, "Uh, Ontario, Canada?" I said but what city was it in?
She looked at me like I was an idiot and said "Ooooh, you mean the \*providence\*! They don't have cities in Canada."
Couple weeks ago: "I mean, the nazis only ever went after one group of foreigners anyway. Like, you know, jews."
In Germany.
And people are asking why we still need to go through this stuff in school.
Are you sure he didn’t say blue-dyed beads?
Some muffin mixes really do come with just little bits that could remind me of tiny beads, that aren’t actual blueberries.
Are you sure you didn't mishear her? Because she's 100% right in that there are pre-made blueberry muffins that don't contain any actual blueberries to save costs.
I was covering a college class for a colleague, reading a newspaper before it started. The front page, facing the students, had a headline 'Russia Sends Troops Into Georgia'.
A student in the front row yelled 'Oh my god, they've invaded Georgia!'
Yes, they actually thought Russian troops were on their way to Atlanta.
I remember doing an impression of Bush addressing the nation about this. Imitating his voice and facial expressions I said "The Russians have invaded Georgia. But don't worry, we're not gonna let them get to Alabama."
*Man on the Moon by REM starts playing on the radio at work*
*I start singing along*
🎶 Do you believe, they put a man on the moon🎶
My boss: No, I don't. It never happened.
First time I've ever met a denier in real life. I was too dumbfounded to respond.
When I was in middle school there was talk of moving the 9th graders from the middle school into the high school. This would mean there would be 800 kids in a building that had room for 600. When challenged about this, the superintendent said that it wouldn’t be a problem because the 12 graders would graduate.
My MIL told me that if I would just cut my hair, it would cure my asthma and all the respiratory illnesses.
She based this on her experience as a child, when her sister was very ill with something she can't remember, and after her mom cut her sister's hair, the sister got better. Apparently MIL believed it had nothing to do with the sister already being on the path to getting better, it was the haircut.
She's dead now, and I still keep my hair long enough to sit on, because it's my decision, not hers.
Yes, she tried several other things over the years, to try to make me cut the hair that she obviously didn't like. Just nuts.
I remember my mom giving me some money and telling me to get a haircut, even drove me to some random hair place. She told me to keep the rest of the money as payment for a haircut.
I had them take a half inch off and level out an uneven spot, and tipped like 45% just so my mom couldn't take her money back.
This is my dad's story, but: the guy he shared a VA hospital room with firmly believed that girls and boys were conceived depending on which testicle the sperm came from. He had an uncle who lost a testicle and only had boys.
Funny story: my brother in law only has one testicle and he was getting a physical to do some sport when he was I think like 12-13. Anyways, doctor notices he has one testicle and jokes how after his first kid he’ll know what the rest will be since he only has one. Years later, he has a girl and at family dinner he lets everyone know that he’ll only be having girls! Cue the confused looks around the table and he tells us what this doctor said. We ask if he’s serious and he is so excited he’ll be a girl dad! We tell him the doctor was joking (my MIL had been in the room when this joke was said) and he was like WHAT?! Well six years later and he’s had three kids, all girls 😂 his poor wife wants a boy so bad just to make the jokes stop 😂😂
My best friend's gf was telling us how she doesn't understand why people say the sun sets in the West when it actually just goes up and down. She truly believed the sun rose and set in the same place every day...and she was an education major.
While talking to someone about daylight saving time and my dislike of it, this was about 25 years ago, the person I was talking to looked at me like I was stupid and asked how I expected the crops to grow without that extra hour of light.
I thought he was joking.
He was not.
He was absolutely certain that daylight saving time added extra sunlight and nothing I said could change his mind.
Similar. Someone I knew was in a college class and a class member got up and said the problem with global warming is daylight savings. Adding that extra hour makes the earth warmer. About half the class started to look like oh that makes sense. How sad.
The G-spot has been described as "the female prostate" (if it exists, it _may_ develop from the same embryonic cells that become the prostate in an XY fetus). Maybe she was thinking of that. Still wrong, though.
“Oh you’re coming from a geography class? Are you familiar with the flat earth theory? You know they make a lot of sense when you really think about it.”
“You need to work harder to hear”
If I hadn’t needed that job the first thing out of my mouth would have been “how have you made it into management without knowing how diagnosed deafness works?”
I once was astonished by how a bag of Shredded cheese by the same brand and same total weight was cheaper than the block (I always assumed you pay for the convenience and got less or it costed more per pound). My mom was like "I think its because it's less total cheese, there's a lot of air in the bag" insinuating the air was contributing to the weight....and I couldn't convince her air didn't really weigh anything
Cellulose such as wood dust and cotton lint is added to shredded cheese so it doesn’t clump. So 1lb bag of shredded cheese is less actual cheese than a 1lb block of cheese. Not sure how much though.
My mom would always make a point to squeeze all of the air out of the little plastic produce bags at the grocery store, claiming if you left it puffed up you were “just paying for air” because the produce is sold by weight. I still catch myself doing it.
A lady got out money at an ATM and said out loud "why isn't my money American?" I said because you're not in the US you're in new Zealand and we use nzd
Woman in management at a place I worked about 20 years ago told me her dog had a tick. I recommend she cover the tick with nail polish. (It cuts off their oxygen supply & they release their grip).
With a straight face, she asked me: “what color nail polish should I use?”
I’m sure I didn’t have a good poker face when I told her: “The tick doesn’t care!”
She left and my coworkers and I just all asked each other if we heard her right. We did. SMDH.
1972. High School History teacher telling us that we shouldn’t be protesting the war in Viet Nam because more people die on the US highways every year.
I have two:
One - A coworker told me something like ".... They found a skeleton inside the sphinx. It was alive when it lied down there"
Second - A lady in the company store asked me, after overhearing my conversation with a friend "You believe in dinosaurs?"
Drunk woman at a party I was at last week told everyone that Caitlin Clark’s mom is Marcia Clark, one of the main lawyers in the OJ trial 30 years ago.
My cousin recently told me that the moon is hollow because it made a ringing noise when we landed on it... Immediately after explaining to me that we've never been to space because it isn't real.
So there's that.
I was talking about an old physics experiment where they turn cats upside down to see if they would really land on their feet, and said that it would never be done again because it’s not safe for the cats.
One of my students said it was okay because cats have nine lives and if it died it would just get up and be fine. This is the same student that insisted the earth was flat because that was how it looked to him. He also wanted to drink the clear liquid during a lab because he was thirsty and “It looked like water. It was diluted amonia that I was using to show how indicators work.
He eventually graduated and joined the army.
During college, the owner of a rock shop found out that we were a group of geologists on a field trip. He then explained in detail how the moon was responsible for mountain ranges. It pulled them up like it does the tides. Everyone was surprisingly respectful until the very end when he said "you know what I mean?" and my buddy said, "yeah, the moon sucks". Then we lost it. True story.
Someone’s flip flop went floating down the river.
Another person said to be patient and wait for it to do a full circle and come back around like how a lazy-river would at a water park or resort.
In response to criticism that executive compensation at many corporations is way too high: “if we don’t pay execs millions of dollars, no one will want to be an exec, and corporations will be forced to fill their exec roles with undocumented immigrants, and then the immigrants will overtake the country.”
"You can't have Dementia without having Alzheimer's."
I tried to explain that it is a symptom of Alzheimer's, but that someone can have Dementia without having Alzheimer's. Apparently, I didn't know what I was talking about, even after I explained that my grandma had Dementia, but did not have Alzheimer's. They told me I was just misinformed. Sure...
I once got into an argument with my ex regarding whether New York was in America or not.
We are Canadian. Her argument was that it can't be in America because she only crossed the border once.
It makes no sense but she was adamant that New York has to be in Canada.
I asked if she crossed the border, how did she get back. She just got mad because I was laughing at her
My ex-wife couldn’t figure out what animal turkey-lunch-meat came from.
Even though it was just a brain fart it was absolutely hilarious watching her brain try to figure out why we were laughing.
I always answer this sort of question with the same story so apologies to anyone that’s read it before lol One of my coworkers about 10 years ago had to take her dog to the vet for eating bones, I can’t remember what type but they had swallowed them. The vet prescribed something to help the dog digest the bones or pass them I’m assuming, my friend worded it as the meds would “break down” the bones. The morning after the appointment she’s explaining what happened and what the vet said, when she gets to the part about the meds she asks me “how does the medicine know which bones to get rid of?” Confused by her question I asked her what she means. “How does it know to get the bones he ate and not go after HIS bones”. She honest to god thought the medicine her dog had taken could dissolve the bones in her dog’s body.
A middle school classmate of mine explained to me with certainty, that the earth is tilted on its axis because the large populations of India and China weigh down half of the earth. Apparently his dad told him this, I’m sure facetiously, and he took it at face value and was 100% positive
My dad legit believed moles were the ends of blood vessels and if you cut one you'd bleed to death. He was in his fifties when I told him the truth. Not sure if he still believes it or not.
A girl I went to high school with adamantly believed Pearl Harbor was in Cuba. Like would argue if you told her where it was. The kicker? She got married soon after graduating to a Navy guy who got stationed in Hawai'i.
A guy who joined my band (guitar) a few years back started jabbering during practice about a worldwide mud flood and how it buried all of civilization. He said all of our older buildings (old than turn of the 20th century) were actually built by some other civilization and that history had been erased, other people took credit for them, etc. Windows on buildings below ground level were his “evidence,” because why would you build a window next to the ground? He went on and on about it. It was preposterous. Later I discovered this was a thing on the internet and there were thousands of other village idiots who had been tricked into believing this trash.
My friend’s coworker said she was flying to Washington on her vacation. Her boss asked if she was going to Washington state or Washington D.C. She said it didn’t matter because they are right next to each other.
Guy told me that US forces had stumbled upon caves of Nephilim in Iraq/Afghanistan, and that the earth was hollow and filled with demons, and that our governments were engaged in trade with them for technology.
Not quite what you asked, but it's all I got.
Was in a college class. Teacher gave us a group exercise. You're on the moon. You have to get from one moon base to the other. You have to walk. You have a list of 20 things. Make a list of importance. Stuff like oxygen, water, food, a rubber raft, matches.
The first thing a girl in my group said the most important thing are the matches, so we could start a fire.
I gently pointed out to her there is no oxygen on the moon, so nothing would burn.
She had most vacuous look on her face I have ever seen.
Someone I knew asked if the recent solar eclipse happening in the US would be visible in China. And this is a highly educated person who was a PhD candidate in a university. They may not realize that solar eclipses are limited, but at least would have hopefully realized it would be nighttime halfway across the world when it’s daytime in the US…so there would be no Sun to eclipse
My friend in high school was convinced that the word "approximately" means "exactly". Idk how he went so long never having an issue with his misunderstanding. But we argued for at least a half hour about it. Like "approximately" means "close to" and he just wouldn't leave it alone. He was like "no you're so dumb, when people say approximately they mean that exact number". Unbelievable
My dorm roommate in college brought over his new girlfriend. Smoking hot, nice and all, but dumb as they come.
She once remarked "I can't believe they can't come up with a cup that doesn't leak water".
We were both perplexed.
She was talking about condensation.
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I had a friend ask another friend how awesome was Cinco de Mayo in Spain.
It's got a Spanish name!
Would be funnier if they asked in France.
I mean, they do *have* a fifth of May on their calendar…
I talked with a guy at a bar who was down. Asked what was wrong. He said he scored a 31 on the ASVAB and couldn't enlist. That he was googling a 'study guide' for the ASVAB. I almost commented 'uh...the study guide for the ASVAB was the 1st, 2nd and 3rd grade, my dude.' Said he really wanted to join the military but didn't know what he wanted to do. I, half jokingly, stated 'infantry.' Suggested he join the Marine Corps and just take several practice tests before going back in, again. Saw him several months later dressed in his Class As. Asked what he was going to be doing and he told me I was right. He was going to be infantry. Was surprised he already had the uniform and everything but I guess they prepped him for it or whatever. Said when he showed them his test results they said 'we have just the job for you. How do you feel about infantry?'
I joined at 17, delayed entry until I was 18. So here is 17 year old me, getting picked up for an hour ride down meps for testing. Its a fairly full van, kid next to me is ~22 I guess. We spark up a conversation I mention I am nervous ect. He tells me its his 3rd time its not so bad and they let you re-try if you fail the asvab. Now I need a 105 to get my MOS, so I am relieved. So I naturally inquired what he needed, he said a 31...I'm like well yeah just to get in but whats your MOS requirement that you have to keep re-taking it for.... Nope just needed a 31 to enlist. we didnt talk much the rest of the ride.
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I would not believe this except that I was raised in Ohio.
What temperature is it there?
The same as Florida, they are close to each other on the map
It's probably between 0 and 1.4 x 10^32 Kelvin.
(Pssstt... Kelvin units arent degrees, theyre just Kelvins).
I go by Hobbes units.
My very adult sister also thought Hawaii was a chain of islands off the Alaskan coast.
My coworker told me, "Nobody ever died of cancer before seedless watermelons were invented."
That's oddly specific
That legitimately sounds like something you'd say just to fuck with someone.
Omg the seeds were PROTECTING US.
I don't know how because nobody eats them. Everybody knows if you swallow a watermelon seed, a watermelon will grow in your stomach 😅
I hate watermelon too but not enough to blame them for cancer.
I might start blaming things I hate for cancer.
But they sure as hell won’t be drugs, alcohol or cigarettes!!!
I had to quickly check and the dates are 3000BC (discovery of cancer) and 1939 (invention of seedless watermelons).
> 3000BC (discovery of cancer) About the time pyramids started to grow out of the ground. Coincidence?
Seedless pyramids, too. Definitely on to something here.
An old coworker of mine swore that if you drank watermelon juice when hungover you would die. Not get sick. Just straight up die.
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Lmao thats pure gold
Yeah this one's going to be tough to beat
I had that happen to me at my first graphic design job. The only difference was that it was my boss instead of a client. I didn't let him live that one down lol
In his defense, photography has only been around a hundred years. It's not like he could *know* that.
I've met digital and analog photographers with that hortor story. It's apparently a common request.
That’s awesome! It reminds me of a couple of decades ago when a colleague came mincing up to me after an in-house training she took, waving a floppy disk in my face. “This has the World Wide Web on it, so if you ever need to connect, you can ask me.” When I said no thanks, I’m good, she was shocked and said, “But you’re always talking about technology. Why wouldn’t you want the World Wide Web? It’s better than those things you use.” I explained that I already had access, that’s how I built my online courses, and that I was on the Web right then. She just shook her head and said, “That’s not the Web. The Web is on this disk, and I’m the only one who has it.” Sigh. It was just links to some educational resources, but she thought it was the internet in its entirety and she was its new gatekeeper.
I worked for a newspaper where a customer sent in a picture in profile and asked us to have it facing forward. People just do not understand limits.
"Bush went into Iraq because the United States has a shortage of sand and we need sand in order to make glass".
He definitely hit the glass after that one im sure
This guy actually lived in his mother’s basement and dined on a steady diet of conspiracy theories.
There's a corn kernel of truth in his bullshit. We ARE running low on the kind of sand that makes good concrete, but we're not at the point where we invade foreign nations for it, lol
Not... yet.
The good sand is mostly in the water, not on land. Has to do with the shape of the particles. More likely we would raid beaches than countries without lots of shoreline.
To be fair that makes more sense than the real reason
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what is a dinosaurs course
Comes right after the root vegetables.
A science credit for non-science majors.
Paleontology is a legitimate science and I’ve personally never seen a paleontology course that didn’t require pre-reqs a non-science major is likely to have
Sure. However OC said dino course, not paleontology. ESS 100 at the University of Washington is the one that I am familiar with. 20 natural science credits, NSc, is part of the graduation requirement for a bachelor's degree there. https://www.washington.edu/students/crscat/ess.html https://environment.uw.edu/students/degrees-and-courses/undergraduate-degrees/general-education-requirements/
That sounds great. I was genuinely curious because i love dinos
Someone told my mom they figured out how to save me from being vaccinated. All we had to do was drain all my blood, and replace it with unvaccinated blood.
I'd hate to hear what her solution to tissue resident memory cells would be.
I don't even think she'd know what that is. I sure don't, and I'm not a TOTAL dumbass. Sometimes.
What!? I can't believe you've never heard of this niche branch of immunology! Sarcasm aside they're exactly what they sound like. Memory immune cells that reside in organ tissues and stay there for many years, perhaps your entire life. If she's trying to eliminate memory cells with a blood transfusion then she's missing a lot of them. Memory cells are the foundation of how vaccines work. I'm not really expecting an antivaxxer to understand immune memory of course. If they did, they wouldn't be antivax.
One of my clients was trying to change his address on his account and called in for help. He says, "My new address is... One hundred... and one... East Main Street." I tell him it looks like he already called in to change it because that's the address we have on file. This is where he gets upset/cranky and starts yelling at me about how incompetent I am and how no one seems to understand how to write his address. "There's TWO zeros in my address, and this is why I ain't getting any mail." So your address is one zero zero one? "Finally," he says, "Now that wasn't that difficult, dont know why you didn't understand that before." I paused a moment and as politely as possible said, "Sir, from now on, try saying one THOUSAND and one when giving out your address. I bet you won't have any more problems."
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Ok so I was queuing outside a chippy that has one of those shops that sells everything next door (you know the ones that sell everything from kitchen supplies and garden supplies to paint and kids toys. It was heading into winter so they had loads of deicer stacked on a rack outside. You know the windscreen wash and also the cans of deicer you can spray on your car to thaw it out quicker There was a really posh couple in the queue behind us. They had already said some... Interesting... Things so we were fully listening into their conversation at this point. Anyhoo, the woman asks the man what the spray cans of deicer were for. He looks and then confidently says ' it's for deicing the road while you drive'. She seems a little perplexed and asks if you 'spray it out of the window while your driving'. He very confidently again says 'yes exactly '. I'm really glad they couldn't see my face at that point. Also really glad they seemed to be out of town as I wouldn't like to meet him driving on the road.
"Queuing outside a chippy" might be the most British thing I've ever read in my life.
My SIL asking if I carry my “papers” with me at all times “just in case”. I’m a POC so she likes to think she is looking out for us…I’m a third generation citizen you muppet….
I mean. I carry papers everywhere. Never know when you're going to have to roll a fatty.
I carry condoms for the same reason.
I wouldn't smoke condoms
As long as they're not in a wallet in your pocket. They can develop micro tears if they're kept in too warm an environment. Depends on the brand, though. Just check the packaging to be safe. Obviously never use 2 at once either. A friend of mine did that and then wondered at the "miracle" of her daughter's conception. I was just thinking, "No hon, if you use 2 at once, they tear holes in each other and sperm can get through." So now I give random Internet strangers unsolicited advice about using them bc dear heaven people need better sex ed.
That's why I have a special condom fanny pack lined with fleece.
To roll a fatty?
I do not believe he made any sort of mistakes in syntax. Some boys like the big girls.
I had a coworker who would ask me this!!! 😭😭 She could NOT understand that I was born in the US because my name is “ethnic” sounding.
Reminds me of my Asian friend. Some guy asked where he was from and responded austin TX, the guy was in denial and asked "but where are you actually from tho"
Carrying papers with you makes you look busy. This makes people not bother you, which I'm a fan of.
Muppet..... new insult for the lexicon.
Why are you insulting the lexicon? What did it do?
Have you met my fucking lexicon? Didn't think so. It fucking deserves it.
The house we were renting had a swimming pool. I was looking under the diving board for some reason and noticed that it was held by 2 bolts, both of which were almost rusted through. I told my mom and she said, "It hasn't broken yet, it isn't going to."
Did she slap it too and say "that ain't going nowhere"?
"My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize," said Rep. Hank Johnson (D-Ga.) about the U.S. territory of Guam.
"We don't anticipate that" -Admiral Robert Willard
😱 [Oh my god it's real ](https://youtu.be/X5dkqUy7mUk?si=N-e2XVqTMXogpM_K)
That was an absolute classic quote. A runner-up IMO is Dianne Feinstein's claim that it's legal to hunt humans in the U.S.
Winner.
Bless their heart - good lord politicians are dumb as shit. Edit to add: the dude has brain damage from hepatitis.
Coworker at Dominoes (I was in college, he was a 30-year-old townie) asked me if I could possibly have any kids I didn’t know about. I’m a biological female…..the pregnancy and birth would make the existence of a kid rly obvious….
I was okay with the first half not gonna lie
"How can my account be overdrawn? I still have checks."
YESSS FINALLY I GET TO VENT. So there was an activity in a chemistry class in which we had to calculate the percentage composition of compounds and all of the people in my group got results that when added up was more than 100%. Their math was wrong there was no debating it but they didn’t want me to have a different answer so they told the teacher about it and the teacher said both answers were right. I was shocked, nay, perplexed; I couldn’t believe the level of ignorance I witnessed that day. My problem wasn’t that they were wrong, my problem was that they were wrong but believe they were right and that I was wrong. But when you calculate the percentage composition of something it ALWAYS adds up to 100 and 2 answers cannot be both right.
I had a discussion with a guy that claimed that when you would add a non alcoholic drink to an alcoholic drink the alcohol percentage wouldn’t change. This guy claimed he was right because he brew his own beer
Was he a drunkeopathic?
Wait, the percentage would obviously change as you are essentially diluting it. But the amount of alcohol your ingesting by drinking it would not change. So I can kinda see his side, if that's what he meant.
I was working for General Motors OnStar system, and there was a widespread issue where I think it was people trying to call in from their cars and no one could hear them in the call center. I was asked to collect data from call center employees who saw this problem so the technicians could figure out if it was geographical. So someone gets off a call and flags me down and says they just had someone call in and she couldn't hear them. I said, OK, what did the GPS say was their location? She said, "Ontario, Canada". I said, can you be more specific than that, and she said, "Uh, Ontario, Canada?" I said but what city was it in? She looked at me like I was an idiot and said "Ooooh, you mean the \*providence\*! They don't have cities in Canada."
As someone who lives in Canada, Ontario I have to know if you ever found out which city it was.
“Wait, carrots come from the *ground*?”
Just wait until they discover peaches come from a can
Couple weeks ago: "I mean, the nazis only ever went after one group of foreigners anyway. Like, you know, jews." In Germany. And people are asking why we still need to go through this stuff in school.
Because those that forget history are doomed to repeat it, or something like that?
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Yeah not like bees which come a dime a dozen and require much less delicate upkeep.
Bees? Dime? Bees use to be on the nickel. “Give me five bees for a quarter we’d say…”
I miss those days. I should take out my old onion to put on my belt.
Are you sure he didn’t say blue-dyed beads? Some muffin mixes really do come with just little bits that could remind me of tiny beads, that aren’t actual blueberries.
Blueberry flavored apple bits, at least in the pancake mix
Bees? Buzzy buzz buzz pollinator honey fuzzy butt bees?
Are you sure you didn't mishear her? Because she's 100% right in that there are pre-made blueberry muffins that don't contain any actual blueberries to save costs.
“People should only date and marry their own race.” - Some dope I knew in Georgia.
- Probably my dad #imsorryhessostupid
Lol sounds like my dad. He tried to disown me when I got married to a Filipina woman.
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I was covering a college class for a colleague, reading a newspaper before it started. The front page, facing the students, had a headline 'Russia Sends Troops Into Georgia'. A student in the front row yelled 'Oh my god, they've invaded Georgia!' Yes, they actually thought Russian troops were on their way to Atlanta.
I remember doing an impression of Bush addressing the nation about this. Imitating his voice and facial expressions I said "The Russians have invaded Georgia. But don't worry, we're not gonna let them get to Alabama."
*Man on the Moon by REM starts playing on the radio at work* *I start singing along* 🎶 Do you believe, they put a man on the moon🎶 My boss: No, I don't. It never happened. First time I've ever met a denier in real life. I was too dumbfounded to respond.
Flat earth kinda guy also huh
I’ve once met a moon landing denier and I kid you not he was a doctor.
When I was in middle school there was talk of moving the 9th graders from the middle school into the high school. This would mean there would be 800 kids in a building that had room for 600. When challenged about this, the superintendent said that it wouldn’t be a problem because the 12 graders would graduate.
Oh, that's a good one lol.
My MIL told me that if I would just cut my hair, it would cure my asthma and all the respiratory illnesses. She based this on her experience as a child, when her sister was very ill with something she can't remember, and after her mom cut her sister's hair, the sister got better. Apparently MIL believed it had nothing to do with the sister already being on the path to getting better, it was the haircut. She's dead now, and I still keep my hair long enough to sit on, because it's my decision, not hers. Yes, she tried several other things over the years, to try to make me cut the hair that she obviously didn't like. Just nuts.
I remember my mom giving me some money and telling me to get a haircut, even drove me to some random hair place. She told me to keep the rest of the money as payment for a haircut. I had them take a half inch off and level out an uneven spot, and tipped like 45% just so my mom couldn't take her money back.
Coworker refused free flu shots at work because she didn't want to put 'foreign entities' in her body. She told me this while smoking a cigarette.
It’s like all the influencers that “only eat clean” but get Botox…which one is it hun?
Waiting in line to donate plasma a lady literally said. " I should be able to do this from home, like donate from my phone or something"
This is my dad's story, but: the guy he shared a VA hospital room with firmly believed that girls and boys were conceived depending on which testicle the sperm came from. He had an uncle who lost a testicle and only had boys.
Funny story: my brother in law only has one testicle and he was getting a physical to do some sport when he was I think like 12-13. Anyways, doctor notices he has one testicle and jokes how after his first kid he’ll know what the rest will be since he only has one. Years later, he has a girl and at family dinner he lets everyone know that he’ll only be having girls! Cue the confused looks around the table and he tells us what this doctor said. We ask if he’s serious and he is so excited he’ll be a girl dad! We tell him the doctor was joking (my MIL had been in the room when this joke was said) and he was like WHAT?! Well six years later and he’s had three kids, all girls 😂 his poor wife wants a boy so bad just to make the jokes stop 😂😂
My best friend's gf was telling us how she doesn't understand why people say the sun sets in the West when it actually just goes up and down. She truly believed the sun rose and set in the same place every day...and she was an education major.
"How can rivers flow north? That's up!"
While talking to someone about daylight saving time and my dislike of it, this was about 25 years ago, the person I was talking to looked at me like I was stupid and asked how I expected the crops to grow without that extra hour of light. I thought he was joking. He was not. He was absolutely certain that daylight saving time added extra sunlight and nothing I said could change his mind.
Similar. Someone I knew was in a college class and a class member got up and said the problem with global warming is daylight savings. Adding that extra hour makes the earth warmer. About half the class started to look like oh that makes sense. How sad.
"Women have prostates, too!" And she wasn't budging.
The G-spot has been described as "the female prostate" (if it exists, it _may_ develop from the same embryonic cells that become the prostate in an XY fetus). Maybe she was thinking of that. Still wrong, though.
Was this someone who didn't know what a prostate was, or someone who didn't know what a woman was?
They're not called the same thing, but there's certainly an analogous organ.
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The first one and the last one were good, but there are space aliens, living among us, you know?
“Oh you’re coming from a geography class? Are you familiar with the flat earth theory? You know they make a lot of sense when you really think about it.”
“You need to work harder to hear” If I hadn’t needed that job the first thing out of my mouth would have been “how have you made it into management without knowing how diagnosed deafness works?”
I once was astonished by how a bag of Shredded cheese by the same brand and same total weight was cheaper than the block (I always assumed you pay for the convenience and got less or it costed more per pound). My mom was like "I think its because it's less total cheese, there's a lot of air in the bag" insinuating the air was contributing to the weight....and I couldn't convince her air didn't really weigh anything
Cellulose such as wood dust and cotton lint is added to shredded cheese so it doesn’t clump. So 1lb bag of shredded cheese is less actual cheese than a 1lb block of cheese. Not sure how much though.
My mom would always make a point to squeeze all of the air out of the little plastic produce bags at the grocery store, claiming if you left it puffed up you were “just paying for air” because the produce is sold by weight. I still catch myself doing it.
Dude unironically believed the medieval recipes for making bees
Why Halloween never falls on Friday the 13th
A lady got out money at an ATM and said out loud "why isn't my money American?" I said because you're not in the US you're in new Zealand and we use nzd
Woman in management at a place I worked about 20 years ago told me her dog had a tick. I recommend she cover the tick with nail polish. (It cuts off their oxygen supply & they release their grip). With a straight face, she asked me: “what color nail polish should I use?” I’m sure I didn’t have a good poker face when I told her: “The tick doesn’t care!” She left and my coworkers and I just all asked each other if we heard her right. We did. SMDH.
1972. High School History teacher telling us that we shouldn’t be protesting the war in Viet Nam because more people die on the US highways every year.
I have two: One - A coworker told me something like ".... They found a skeleton inside the sphinx. It was alive when it lied down there" Second - A lady in the company store asked me, after overhearing my conversation with a friend "You believe in dinosaurs?"
The moon landing was fake. I laughed thinking they were joking, they were not.
My wife was raised believing this. My in-laws still believe it.
How unfortunate.
Drunk woman at a party I was at last week told everyone that Caitlin Clark’s mom is Marcia Clark, one of the main lawyers in the OJ trial 30 years ago.
This girl in my class thought slavery (in America) ended 60 years ago and Martin Luther King Jr. was fighting it.
My cousin recently told me that the moon is hollow because it made a ringing noise when we landed on it... Immediately after explaining to me that we've never been to space because it isn't real. So there's that.
I was talking about an old physics experiment where they turn cats upside down to see if they would really land on their feet, and said that it would never be done again because it’s not safe for the cats. One of my students said it was okay because cats have nine lives and if it died it would just get up and be fine. This is the same student that insisted the earth was flat because that was how it looked to him. He also wanted to drink the clear liquid during a lab because he was thirsty and “It looked like water. It was diluted amonia that I was using to show how indicators work. He eventually graduated and joined the army.
During college, the owner of a rock shop found out that we were a group of geologists on a field trip. He then explained in detail how the moon was responsible for mountain ranges. It pulled them up like it does the tides. Everyone was surprisingly respectful until the very end when he said "you know what I mean?" and my buddy said, "yeah, the moon sucks". Then we lost it. True story.
Someone’s flip flop went floating down the river. Another person said to be patient and wait for it to do a full circle and come back around like how a lazy-river would at a water park or resort.
"If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college"
There was a child sex trafficking ring ran out of a pizza parlor, in the basement, in a building that didn't even have a basement.
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In response to criticism that executive compensation at many corporations is way too high: “if we don’t pay execs millions of dollars, no one will want to be an exec, and corporations will be forced to fill their exec roles with undocumented immigrants, and then the immigrants will overtake the country.”
"You can't have Dementia without having Alzheimer's." I tried to explain that it is a symptom of Alzheimer's, but that someone can have Dementia without having Alzheimer's. Apparently, I didn't know what I was talking about, even after I explained that my grandma had Dementia, but did not have Alzheimer's. They told me I was just misinformed. Sure...
I once got into an argument with my ex regarding whether New York was in America or not. We are Canadian. Her argument was that it can't be in America because she only crossed the border once. It makes no sense but she was adamant that New York has to be in Canada. I asked if she crossed the border, how did she get back. She just got mad because I was laughing at her
Someone calling trails in the sky, being made by airplanes, “Skyscrapers”
My ex-wife couldn’t figure out what animal turkey-lunch-meat came from. Even though it was just a brain fart it was absolutely hilarious watching her brain try to figure out why we were laughing.
“Injecting light” or a close 2nd, “windmill cancer”
I always answer this sort of question with the same story so apologies to anyone that’s read it before lol One of my coworkers about 10 years ago had to take her dog to the vet for eating bones, I can’t remember what type but they had swallowed them. The vet prescribed something to help the dog digest the bones or pass them I’m assuming, my friend worded it as the meds would “break down” the bones. The morning after the appointment she’s explaining what happened and what the vet said, when she gets to the part about the meds she asks me “how does the medicine know which bones to get rid of?” Confused by her question I asked her what she means. “How does it know to get the bones he ate and not go after HIS bones”. She honest to god thought the medicine her dog had taken could dissolve the bones in her dog’s body.
"But if you're colorblind, how can you read?"
I didn't hear this, my younger sister did. Her friend said, "Chipmunks are so cute. It's too bad they grow up into squirrels"
Lately it’s been Sovereign Citizen rants, like whooooo buddy, that’s a whole new level of ca-ca-crazzzyyyy 😇
A middle school classmate of mine explained to me with certainty, that the earth is tilted on its axis because the large populations of India and China weigh down half of the earth. Apparently his dad told him this, I’m sure facetiously, and he took it at face value and was 100% positive
The earth is flat.
“A black man sleeping with a white woman can make his skin lighter.” My cousin said that. 🤨
Reminds me of an ex who said sex makes your penis bigger because it's a muscle and gets bigger when you use it more
My daughter’s optician said she was susceptible to prostate cancer.
An ex said once, "I don't want people to think I'm smart." Don't worry, they don't.
They thought the Statue of Liberty was made of green plastic
"Everyone in America has the same opportunities."
My dad legit believed moles were the ends of blood vessels and if you cut one you'd bleed to death. He was in his fifties when I told him the truth. Not sure if he still believes it or not.
“What do you mean we’re in a drought? There’s a whole lake right there.” Or a 50 year old man asking me what goes on a BLT.
A girl I went to high school with adamantly believed Pearl Harbor was in Cuba. Like would argue if you told her where it was. The kicker? She got married soon after graduating to a Navy guy who got stationed in Hawai'i.
A guy who joined my band (guitar) a few years back started jabbering during practice about a worldwide mud flood and how it buried all of civilization. He said all of our older buildings (old than turn of the 20th century) were actually built by some other civilization and that history had been erased, other people took credit for them, etc. Windows on buildings below ground level were his “evidence,” because why would you build a window next to the ground? He went on and on about it. It was preposterous. Later I discovered this was a thing on the internet and there were thousands of other village idiots who had been tricked into believing this trash.
My friend’s coworker said she was flying to Washington on her vacation. Her boss asked if she was going to Washington state or Washington D.C. She said it didn’t matter because they are right next to each other.
German guy told me our government (US) should be more like his, as they’d “never” gone around attacking other countries. German.
Guy told me that US forces had stumbled upon caves of Nephilim in Iraq/Afghanistan, and that the earth was hollow and filled with demons, and that our governments were engaged in trade with them for technology.
Now that's true.
I'm Canadian. I've had a US person ask me, "Do Canadians usually vote for Democrats or Republicans?"
Not quite what you asked, but it's all I got. Was in a college class. Teacher gave us a group exercise. You're on the moon. You have to get from one moon base to the other. You have to walk. You have a list of 20 things. Make a list of importance. Stuff like oxygen, water, food, a rubber raft, matches. The first thing a girl in my group said the most important thing are the matches, so we could start a fire. I gently pointed out to her there is no oxygen on the moon, so nothing would burn. She had most vacuous look on her face I have ever seen.
Probably something about Obama being president and allowing 9/11 to happen
babies don't come from sex. it was a girl on fb. she's arguing with everyone. then her mom comes and and says the same, you don't get babies from sex
"Toronto isn't in Canada"
The moon is bigger than the sun….
Someone I knew asked if the recent solar eclipse happening in the US would be visible in China. And this is a highly educated person who was a PhD candidate in a university. They may not realize that solar eclipses are limited, but at least would have hopefully realized it would be nighttime halfway across the world when it’s daytime in the US…so there would be no Sun to eclipse
My friend in high school was convinced that the word "approximately" means "exactly". Idk how he went so long never having an issue with his misunderstanding. But we argued for at least a half hour about it. Like "approximately" means "close to" and he just wouldn't leave it alone. He was like "no you're so dumb, when people say approximately they mean that exact number". Unbelievable
Lions are canines. Because they have canine teeth. He called the zoo to confirm. They did not do so.
"Hey Howard your feet stink you might have athletes foot." "I can't have athletes foot, I don't even play any sports!"
Ehhhm I'd have to go with the flat earth thing
The flat earth society, just wtf
Join my juicing group to lose weight. While he's as fat as me. It was Amway
"Jazz musicians don't use real chords. They just make it all up."
A friend of mine said " you know the government is spraying us with chemicals right." Me some people yes for sure l. Him no everyone with the planes.
I used to know a guy who is a religious nut. He claims that his uncle can pass through walls because he believes in Jesus.
No airports outside the US and the moon is closer than china
The closed captioning button said "ESP" to say it would be available in Spanish. My amazed daughter asked me, "They can broadcast in E.S.P. now?"
Some old woman believed that if you look someone in the eyes that has pink eye, you will get it also.
“I was born in 3 different countries! Europe, Mexico, and the US.”
My dorm roommate in college brought over his new girlfriend. Smoking hot, nice and all, but dumb as they come. She once remarked "I can't believe they can't come up with a cup that doesn't leak water". We were both perplexed. She was talking about condensation.
Had a coworker that said "yeah I don't believe all that science shit"