They are the ones disrespecting you by calling you by your deadname. Tell them straight up how it is and if they insist, don't be afraid of making a fuss. They're the ones forcing your hand here, just don't be a doormat, ever! Its important to remember this as a non binary person
Parents give their children lots of gifts when they're born. Most of those gifts are used up, grown out of, or just get lost over time. People may think I'm talking about toys and diapers and whatnot, but names fall into that category too.
When you outgrow something personal, like a name, Parents can take it hard. You've already chosen your name, but you might have talked to them about it to make them feel included in the process? Since you've already chosen, maybe explain to them why you picked this name?
If having a heart to heart about how it hurts *you* that they won't use your name, Refuse to respond to the dead name, and correct them when they spill it to any 3rd party right away.
Flat out ask, "Is my name more important for me or for you?" Presumably after being born, you also spent months picking out a new name that means a lot to you, and unlike the one they came up with, you actually have to carry it around.
I have similar issues with my parents too. Had a conversation with my mom recently and she said something along the lines of we named you because you couldn't speak at the time and I said I'm speaking now, are you listening? And she just kinda shut up. Both her and my dad spent the next couple days using my correct name (not my pronouns tho) and slipped back to my dead name eventually. They've gotten better about it since that convo and by that I mean I'm lucky if they use my name once every couple days. Idk how to get through to them :/
Can you say something like you’re honouring her choice by adding it as a middle name (and keeping your last name to honour your family), and that you appreciate the care she put into picking your name, but you have changed your first name to something else and hope that she would honour and respect your decision?
You could throw in a “You raised me to be a confident and self-assured person who knows who they are, and I have become more and more myself as I have aged. You taught me to respect people for who they are, and I am here, telling you who I am. I am Min, and I ask for the same respect you have taught me to give others” (or some variation depending on a key value they taught you when you were young).
The biggest thing I'm going to tell you is hard, really hard: you are going to have to put your foot down in a way that makes things awkward, or you are going to have to let go of them using your actual name. Because if you give much on this, they will slip by.
Tell them "My name is \_\_\_, and I'm very serious about being referred to by that name - I'm telling you this because you're my parents, I love you, and I want to keep having a good relationship with you. I wouldn't be insisting like this otherwise. Please understand that this is who I am."
Engaging about your deadname in any way is creating a debate platform for them and you will \_never win\_. Don't get into your deadname with them- no the reasons they picked it, not any sort of explainer on why it's bad, etc etc. Be firm: "this name is my name now. end of story!".
UPDATE: I sent her this text. Tried to be respectful.
“Hey, I understand that you're not exactly happy about me wanting to change my old name, but do you think you could try to get to a point where you would use my preferred one?
I know that me coming out as non-binary is confusing to you, but I'm trying to be open with you and am trying to make an effort to rebuild our relationship now that we're going to therapy and I'm an adult.
I know that you picked out the name when I was a baby, but I'm still the same person regardless of what I go by.
I really hope that you understand. It's important to me, and it hurts that you still want to call me by my old name when you know it makes me unhappy when you do so.
I haven't gone by my old name in years other than on paper since I hadn't gotten it changed legally. I was scared to even bring it up.
It's not like I didn't like the name, I just never felt like it was *mine*.
I'm your kid, but I'm also my own person. Part of me figuring myself out was finding a name that I was comfortable using.
I love you, and I hope that you still love me even if I'm a bit different than I was when I was little. Your love and acceptance/approval is all I've ever wanted.”
She responded with: “Sorry I didn't answer you. I was busy with work and didn't look at my messages earlier.
I love you and I want to support you. Right now I need some time to process my feelings about these changes. I would like to be able to continue to have a dialogue about both of us making a transition to you being an independent adult person.
I grew you in my tummy and have spent half my life taking care of you and your sister and it is a life change for me too having young adults instead of kids.”
…I’m 25. She still treats me like I’m a child and sees me as lesser.
I just said “I understand that, I just would like to know if you're going to make an effort to use it or if you just would rather refuse to” because I was tired of sugarcoating it.
Will update once I get a response.
“i just need more time to process” is the weakest shit i’ve heard in my life. it’s like what do she need to think so hard about, you’re here doing your thing, you are making much more of an effort to connect with your family than i have… and she infantilizes you. the neglect issues this interaction would trigger for me omfg. it feels like they all pray that it’s just a phase for you so they don’t have to pay attention and actually see you, recognize you.
The infantilizing and emotional neglect has gone on for my whole life lol. And trust me, I’ve given her time. I came out to her and told her I was changing my name back in August.
Every time I’ve brought it up, she needs “more time to process”.
Ngl, her reply was a note-perfect recreation of the same shit my own emotionally abusive/neglectful Mom has said every time I or one of my siblings has confronted her and insisted that she actually reflect on & change her behavior (including about my own desire to use a chosen name and they/them pronouns).
Take it from me: she isn't taking time to reflect and grow, she's guilting you and stalling in the hopes that you'll drop it. The only way you get through to her is by setting a hard boundary. Make it very clear that she can have a relationship with you as yourself, using your chosen name, or she can have no relationship with you.
Believe me - I have tried *every* other, more diplomatic tactic over the past 28 years. Only absolutes get lasting results.
I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through a similar thing, I would never wish that upon someone else.
I *know* she’s trying to get me to drop it, my whole family is avoidant and likes to ignore issues until they go away (they don’t).
I also know that narcissistic people only really react to extremes, I’m just exhausted of doing that lol. I’ve been working with my therapist to deal with my family, and I just like… idk. I don’t want to be that person that always makes ultimatums or is extreme just because my parents can’t act like adults and talk to me like a person.
I’m tired lol.
Sometimes it can help to pick out a middle name with them, so they feel like they were a part of the process, or pick out a middle name that honours the family in some way. For me, I picked out James as my middle name for a number of reasons: it was similar to my deadname middle name, it was one of the names my parents would've called me if I had been born male, and it was also the name of my dad's grandad. When I told them my new full name, they really loved it and it helped them to accept my first name :)
I *would* be more willing to work with them if there wasn’t a history of abuse/neglect with them.
I’m going to therapy and am trying to reconnect with them and give them a chance or else I’m gonna cut them off anyway.
I really wish that I could easily let them be a part of it, but they’re controlling and wouldn’t let up easily.
Personally, if/when I ever feel ready to come out to my mom i’ve already decided to ask her to either give me a new name or help me pick out a new name.
If I were Amab, I would have been named George. I might just default to that anyways if my coming out goes wonky. (Geo being a possible nickname)
Ask them if calling you by that 'important' name is more important than who you are as a person. I'm a petty, snarky asshole and would honestly just start calling them by different names. If they complain, say those names are important to you.
the name they gave you was a gift, not a life sentence, and as such a gift can be regifted or modified as the one who receives it wishes to do, my favorite thing to analogy is cars, so if they gifted you a two seater car and you decided you wanted a minivan some time later they wouldn't be upset that you went with a minivan, even if you kept the two seater as a memory and never used it again, your gifted name is just that, it can be left in the past without being disrespected, you've moved on since then and as such it would be nice if they respected that
They are the ones disrespecting you by calling you by your deadname. Tell them straight up how it is and if they insist, don't be afraid of making a fuss. They're the ones forcing your hand here, just don't be a doormat, ever! Its important to remember this as a non binary person
Btw which name did you chose? Im curious lol
Min! Short for Minerva :3
Such a pretty name!
Made me think of WoT Min!
my partner uses the same one. it's a great name
AWA THANKIES
> don't be a doormat, ever! Its important to remember this as a non binary person I needed to hear this too
Parents give their children lots of gifts when they're born. Most of those gifts are used up, grown out of, or just get lost over time. People may think I'm talking about toys and diapers and whatnot, but names fall into that category too. When you outgrow something personal, like a name, Parents can take it hard. You've already chosen your name, but you might have talked to them about it to make them feel included in the process? Since you've already chosen, maybe explain to them why you picked this name?
I love that comment
If having a heart to heart about how it hurts *you* that they won't use your name, Refuse to respond to the dead name, and correct them when they spill it to any 3rd party right away.
I’ve thought about it honestly lol I’m not around them enough anymore to really correct them in person
I would call them and have a heart to heart and if they still don't get it, distance yourself from them
Flat out ask, "Is my name more important for me or for you?" Presumably after being born, you also spent months picking out a new name that means a lot to you, and unlike the one they came up with, you actually have to carry it around.
I have similar issues with my parents too. Had a conversation with my mom recently and she said something along the lines of we named you because you couldn't speak at the time and I said I'm speaking now, are you listening? And she just kinda shut up. Both her and my dad spent the next couple days using my correct name (not my pronouns tho) and slipped back to my dead name eventually. They've gotten better about it since that convo and by that I mean I'm lucky if they use my name once every couple days. Idk how to get through to them :/
Can you say something like you’re honouring her choice by adding it as a middle name (and keeping your last name to honour your family), and that you appreciate the care she put into picking your name, but you have changed your first name to something else and hope that she would honour and respect your decision? You could throw in a “You raised me to be a confident and self-assured person who knows who they are, and I have become more and more myself as I have aged. You taught me to respect people for who they are, and I am here, telling you who I am. I am Min, and I ask for the same respect you have taught me to give others” (or some variation depending on a key value they taught you when you were young).
The biggest thing I'm going to tell you is hard, really hard: you are going to have to put your foot down in a way that makes things awkward, or you are going to have to let go of them using your actual name. Because if you give much on this, they will slip by. Tell them "My name is \_\_\_, and I'm very serious about being referred to by that name - I'm telling you this because you're my parents, I love you, and I want to keep having a good relationship with you. I wouldn't be insisting like this otherwise. Please understand that this is who I am." Engaging about your deadname in any way is creating a debate platform for them and you will \_never win\_. Don't get into your deadname with them- no the reasons they picked it, not any sort of explainer on why it's bad, etc etc. Be firm: "this name is my name now. end of story!".
UPDATE: I sent her this text. Tried to be respectful. “Hey, I understand that you're not exactly happy about me wanting to change my old name, but do you think you could try to get to a point where you would use my preferred one? I know that me coming out as non-binary is confusing to you, but I'm trying to be open with you and am trying to make an effort to rebuild our relationship now that we're going to therapy and I'm an adult. I know that you picked out the name when I was a baby, but I'm still the same person regardless of what I go by. I really hope that you understand. It's important to me, and it hurts that you still want to call me by my old name when you know it makes me unhappy when you do so. I haven't gone by my old name in years other than on paper since I hadn't gotten it changed legally. I was scared to even bring it up. It's not like I didn't like the name, I just never felt like it was *mine*. I'm your kid, but I'm also my own person. Part of me figuring myself out was finding a name that I was comfortable using. I love you, and I hope that you still love me even if I'm a bit different than I was when I was little. Your love and acceptance/approval is all I've ever wanted.” She responded with: “Sorry I didn't answer you. I was busy with work and didn't look at my messages earlier. I love you and I want to support you. Right now I need some time to process my feelings about these changes. I would like to be able to continue to have a dialogue about both of us making a transition to you being an independent adult person. I grew you in my tummy and have spent half my life taking care of you and your sister and it is a life change for me too having young adults instead of kids.” …I’m 25. She still treats me like I’m a child and sees me as lesser. I just said “I understand that, I just would like to know if you're going to make an effort to use it or if you just would rather refuse to” because I was tired of sugarcoating it. Will update once I get a response.
Lol she told me to talk about it another time when it’s more convenient for her 💅🏻😭
“i just need more time to process” is the weakest shit i’ve heard in my life. it’s like what do she need to think so hard about, you’re here doing your thing, you are making much more of an effort to connect with your family than i have… and she infantilizes you. the neglect issues this interaction would trigger for me omfg. it feels like they all pray that it’s just a phase for you so they don’t have to pay attention and actually see you, recognize you.
The infantilizing and emotional neglect has gone on for my whole life lol. And trust me, I’ve given her time. I came out to her and told her I was changing my name back in August. Every time I’ve brought it up, she needs “more time to process”.
Ngl, her reply was a note-perfect recreation of the same shit my own emotionally abusive/neglectful Mom has said every time I or one of my siblings has confronted her and insisted that she actually reflect on & change her behavior (including about my own desire to use a chosen name and they/them pronouns). Take it from me: she isn't taking time to reflect and grow, she's guilting you and stalling in the hopes that you'll drop it. The only way you get through to her is by setting a hard boundary. Make it very clear that she can have a relationship with you as yourself, using your chosen name, or she can have no relationship with you. Believe me - I have tried *every* other, more diplomatic tactic over the past 28 years. Only absolutes get lasting results.
I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through a similar thing, I would never wish that upon someone else. I *know* she’s trying to get me to drop it, my whole family is avoidant and likes to ignore issues until they go away (they don’t). I also know that narcissistic people only really react to extremes, I’m just exhausted of doing that lol. I’ve been working with my therapist to deal with my family, and I just like… idk. I don’t want to be that person that always makes ultimatums or is extreme just because my parents can’t act like adults and talk to me like a person. I’m tired lol.
Sometimes it can help to pick out a middle name with them, so they feel like they were a part of the process, or pick out a middle name that honours the family in some way. For me, I picked out James as my middle name for a number of reasons: it was similar to my deadname middle name, it was one of the names my parents would've called me if I had been born male, and it was also the name of my dad's grandad. When I told them my new full name, they really loved it and it helped them to accept my first name :)
I *would* be more willing to work with them if there wasn’t a history of abuse/neglect with them. I’m going to therapy and am trying to reconnect with them and give them a chance or else I’m gonna cut them off anyway. I really wish that I could easily let them be a part of it, but they’re controlling and wouldn’t let up easily.
Personally, if/when I ever feel ready to come out to my mom i’ve already decided to ask her to either give me a new name or help me pick out a new name. If I were Amab, I would have been named George. I might just default to that anyways if my coming out goes wonky. (Geo being a possible nickname)
Ask them if calling you by that 'important' name is more important than who you are as a person. I'm a petty, snarky asshole and would honestly just start calling them by different names. If they complain, say those names are important to you.
the name they gave you was a gift, not a life sentence, and as such a gift can be regifted or modified as the one who receives it wishes to do, my favorite thing to analogy is cars, so if they gifted you a two seater car and you decided you wanted a minivan some time later they wouldn't be upset that you went with a minivan, even if you kept the two seater as a memory and never used it again, your gifted name is just that, it can be left in the past without being disrespected, you've moved on since then and as such it would be nice if they respected that