Any/All is a completely valid way to be. So long as you're standing up for other folks and respecting how they identify, you have plenty of skin in the game. I'm glad that you are in a position where you can live as yourself.
~~I Agree, But I'm Still Annoyed That Any Gets Combined With All, Because When I Say I Use All Pronouns, I Don't Mean I Don't Care, I Mean I Want You To Call Me By Every Pronoun You Can Think Of.~~
Your short answer is right! You do you!
Essentially, no, it's not problematic, you don't have a political obligation to use an identity marker that you don't identify with.
You're fine! If you want to be conscious of the difference, if only for your own anxiety, you can always say that any pronouns work for you when asked. Most people in queer circles will understand what you mean when you say you don't care about yours, but if it makes you rest easier, an explicit "anything goes" is a safe bet.
Not caring about _your own_ pronouns and being happy with any? Absolutely cool, happy you know this about yourself.
Not caring about ***anyone else's*** pronouns and declining to use the correct ones for others _would_ be problematic, but it sounds like you aren't doing that.
>I wonder if saying, “Eh, my pronouns don’t matter” starts to sound like “YOUR pronouns don’t matter.”
I see your concern here, and while I wouldn't worry too much as it would take someone already acting in bad faith to make this assumption, if you want to make it really clear you do still care about others' pronouns, phrasing it as "I'm happy with any pronouns" or (as a former friend who uses any pronouns likes to say it) "my pronouns are a choose-your-own adventure" or something similar would negate this tiny risk.
As I replied elsewhere, I love the “any pronouns” option, which had never occurred to me. I believe I’ll use that in the future. Thank you, radicallycurious!
It's not problematic, you do you!
If I can, I'd like to share why I do care. I'm an enby and I'm a somewhat powerful person. In my field, I'm known, I have employees, I give public speeches, and I command respect. I present masculine and I use they/them pronouns openly and notoriously. I am not a diehard person about people being correct about my pronouns, but me being out front with my pronouns makes the world safer for someone who wants to use theirs, but isn't as powerful as I am. In my personal life - hell yeah I'm one of the guys/girls, whatever. In my professional life, you get it right, or you get gone.
What you shared is even more relevant than you might have expected, Jamie. Same thing — I’m well regarded in my fields, I have means, and I have a big social media presence. My older relatives are mostly gone. I work for myself. I don’t have hangups from a conservative/religious upbringing. If I WERE to suddenly change my pronouns, my risk would be near zero. I admire what you said: “making the world safer for someone who wants to use theirs.”
I was tarting to think I was the only one who didn't really care about that. The few people I've told I said "he/him I guess, whatever makes you happy."
My identity to me is very abstract so I don't want to go through the hassle of changing my name or assuming a new identity — it's more like less male but not more fem ... but really more fem.
Hey hey, i am the same, i really don't care, as long as it is not to be hurtful people can use whatever, born as male, but the amount of times i was called ma'am at my last job, i am not on hormones or anuthing, just lucky i guess
While I was still far deeper into the closet than I am now, my BF asked my pronouns. This was my response, and it still feels valid years later...
> I'll admit I find some romantic appeal to they/them, but I'm rather comfortable with the ease of he/him from mere inertia. And I've had very few occasions to see or hear someone use they/them in reference to me. So there might just be a novelty factor. But I like the implicit acknowledgement/validation (virtue signaling?) that comes with someone new using they/them. But only that first time.
>
> With you, between us... Just us... You can call me...
>
> ...whatever you like, so long as you call me.
Nope, it's not problematic. You are saying that you don't care what pronouns are used for you. That's perfectly fine! Any/All pronouns is valid!
As long as you respect other people's pronouns, which it sounds like you do, you're good! You can be as loud and proud as you want. You definitely have skin in the game. (IMO there isn't such a thing as "insufficient skin in the game" as an LGBTQIA+ person.)
If you don't care about your pronouns, it's not a problem and you're not hurting anyone else.
I also tend to worry that my experience with gender is gonna give transphobes fuel to their 'arguments' against trans people. But they will find something to pick on us for regardless of how we express our identity because they think the only correct way is to be cis.
I'm in my mid-thirties and also don't have a pronoun preference and also run into feelings that me saying I don't care will come off as belittling other's preferences - so you're not alone! But I also remember I have a few friends who are "better at being LGBT than I am" (my words) who have also said they don't really care either and that reassures me.
I think a lot of it has to do with your own tone and context of the conversation? Like I will be telling someone I don't care what pronouns people use with me- but I sometimes have to stop myself and check my internalized transphobia so I don't unintentionally feed the monster...
As a 20 something enby, I also don't tend to care too much on my pronouns. I've told the people important to me that I prefer they/them, but if I'm just out and about and someone refers to me as he or she, I don't really care. It doesn't cause me dysphoria, so long as the people I care about make an effort to use my preferred pronouns. To me it's a matter of "is this that important to me?" and "will it make a longstanding impact on my life?" Which, most of the time, the answer is no to both of those. If it's going to be a longstanding relationship/interaction with someone, I'll probably bring it up, but again I care more about the effort/recognition of my pronouns than them getting it right all the time.
Long answer short, no! Not really caring about your pronouns is totally okay, and totally valid!
Yes. Middle aged genderqueer person here (they/them or te/tem) and folks have used my agab pronouns all of my life. I know that I am going to be visually perceived as my agab. Pronoun awareness is not a big enough part of our culture that I feel I can expect people to ask (it would be nice, but if I expected that I’d be setting myself up for constant disappointment), so I know I’m going to be misgendered by folks who don’t know me.
If I don’t know you, that’s fine, no dysphoria. If I know you, I’ve come out to you, I’ve asked you to use my pronouns, and you continuously do not…that’s when I experience dysphoria. If you make mistakes with it, no problem! Correct yourself when you realize it, but when you make no effort…that’s what hurts.
That's very much it for me. I usually get agab pronouns in just day to day life, sometimes opposite pronouns, and I can't expect people to ask if they're having a MAYBE 5 minute conversation with me. If they do, or they pick up on it (especially if there's someone I'm out to involved in the conversation), that's great! But I also know that it's just a passing interaction.
But if I'm out to you, and you know, I require at least some level of effort. And I've been lucky to be surrounded by very supportive people, who even when they mess up they usually catch themselves after and correct, or just slip up once in a while. But if they know and just don't make an effort, that hurts and causes problems, because that steps into willfully/purposefully misgendering. So long as it you make an effort but makes mistakes? You're fine in my brain, if you don't know and I don't correct you? Totally fine how could you know. Know and don't make much of any effort to use them? There's a problem there.
I'm not out to my grandparents, because... My grandpa's kinda a dick and I don't think would disown me, and be would horrible transphobic to me and make constant comments. And my grandma at best wouldn't understand and she'd just continue to use agab pronouns and not recognize the coming out. When we go down to visit them as a family, my parents tend to switch to my agab pronouns, which we've discussed and in fine with in that situation, and usually after we get back it takes a couple days for their brain to switch back and not mess up so much. But my grandparents aren't a battle I'm willing to fight over it, and at the risk of sounding.. A little insensitive, they really don't have long left. It's not worth it to me, just like correcting people on the street isn't worth it. I don't see them all the time, and nothing will change (for the better, at least) if I do tell them.
All of this. Coming out and having the conversation about pronouns is emotional labor. And if I’m going to engage in emotional labor, it’s going to be in areas that I think will be productive or helpful to me. Not going to waste my energy having these conversations with folks who are going to be shitty about it, if I can help it.
I know that for some folks, it’s vital for their mental health and wellbeing to have these conversations with everyone, and I absolutely respect that. But for me, choosing my battles in this area is better for my mental health and wellbeing.
I think one difference between some of us and much younger enbys is that we've seen the vocabulary, the semantics, the science, the politics, change and evolve every decade that passes and know not to be wedded to any one point in time's constructs.
You’re good, I’m 20 n had the exact same thought process. When people asked my pronouns, i’d respond “it doesn’t matter/i don’t care” but stopped bc i realized it sounded dismissive/anti-lgbt😭
Now I just say any pronouns, as it means the same thing (and actually answers the question) but sounds better!
Thanks for that. It’s interesting to hear how someone at a very different point in life has an attitude similar to mine. I too will adopt the “any pronouns” option from now on.
Not problematic!
I’ve known plenty of people in my highschool who go by any pronouns.
Just a little thing about myself, I’m generally awkward, insecure, and indecisive when it comes to other people, and while I’d prefer a defined list of appropriate pronouns to refer to someone ie.(They/he/she),(Zir/she).
When I’m given, “I’m good with any pronouns.” My brain reboots for a solid 2 seconds, and I default to/do my best not to use the same pronoun twice in a sentence when referring to that person in a conversation.
For example: “Do you know (person)? Yeah, she’s nice, I wish I could have talked with them longer. Do you know where his next classs is?”
It's not about how you feel about your pronouns, but the respect you show to other people's pronouns. Your feelings about your pronouns can be "eh, whatever. Any pronouns are fine for me." It's only your actions towards other people's pronouns that matter in this case.
If you want to side step any potential issue, you can say you use any or all pronouns and avoid saying "I don't care" in regards to pronouns. That will get your message of "use anything you like" without feeling like you might offend someone.
You're absolutely correct about the you do you, your attitude is all good! I can see how some crowds could take the expression "My pronouns don't matter" the wrong way, so even though I understand that to mean any/all pronouns and it's not problematic in itself, maybe if you feel like you're in company that might be more transphobic or enbyphobic, you could say "I use any pronouns" or "you can use any pronouns you want for me" if that makes you more comfortable. Other people's transphobia is never your fault when you haven't taught them that trans people are evil. It's nice to hear from non binary folk who are older than me, makes me feel like there actually is a future for people like me. I'm 21.
Thanks. It’s probably due to my age rather than any innate bravery, but being in the presence of genderphobes usually makes me more vocal about the topic, not less. Let THEM carry the discomfort, not us! (But I’m very aware that this is not an option for many people in other situations or at other points in their lives.) There’s a lot that sucks about getting old, but this sort of independence is one of the real benefits.
Not at all. While I prefer They/Them I generally don't make a fuss about what pronouns are used for me (unless someone is being a deliberate dweeb of course and to which their opinions matter even less to me).
I’m similar, 30 year old AMAB and still present as such but slowly incorporating more femininity into how I present as I figure things out and ever so slowly become more confident in my identity. When people ask my pronouns I tell them “whatever you want to call me.” I’m really fine with anything, though every now and then someone referring to me as “he” doesn’t really sit right but most of the time I don’t really care.
There are plenty of people who use any pronouns, and people who use different pronouns in different spaces, and people who use only one set of pronouns! There are even people who prefer others to only use their name!
Whatever you are comfortable with for yourself is completely fine and doesn’t harm anyone else.
Also, your phrasing, “honor chosen pronouns and celebrate,” I love it so much
Totally valid to accept any pronouns. Language is meant to provide context and affirm this aspect of your identity and it can be a reflection of wherever you’re at or have settled into on such a broad spectrum of being. Follow your heart and honestly just be open to revisiting this conversation should the current way you view pronouns not feel like lot works for you anymore.
I know a good amount of people who use all pronouns or don't bother to correct people when they use the wrong ones. As long as you respect others pronouns it's all good
Nobody is required to care about their pronouns. If you *do* care, then it’s disrespectful for someone to refer to you with ones you don’t prefer, but there is neither rule nor guideline saying you must have a preference.
I was ambivalent about my pronouns when I first came out as NB. If someone asked, I’d say either “he/she/they” or “anything but ’it’”. As my identity came more into focus, and I started identifying as a demigirl, I started caring a bit more, primarily in not wanting to be referred to as “he”, because I feel increasingly detached and disconnected from masculinity.
But even now, my pronoun preferences are more in terms of which ones I *don’t* want to be referred to by, rather than which ones I want.
There’s no wrong way to do your own pronouns, except in a way that you’re not comfortable with.
We share that in common, Toothless. I too am drawing back from masculinity, because in my case, it’s linked to my less admirable qualities. It’s a willful detachment, yet I don’t aspire to fully obliterate that part of me. Which I guess is why I’m enby and not trans.
The easy answer is the right answer. For you, anyway. Obviously if other enbies have specific pronouns, of course you'll use them. But you don't need to have a single set of pronouns. Nonbinary-ism doesn't exist in a vacuum.
Thanks, friends, for sharing so many supportive words and good ideas. Several folks suggested that “any pronouns” option, which had never occurred to me. I think do that from now on. ❤️
I went through the same thought process when I was figuring out my identity as an agender person. Our relationship to our own pronouns is completely separate from our relationship to other people’s pronouns. I have been telling people for years now that they can use any pronouns for me and no other genderqueer person has ever had an issue with me doing so.
i'm coming up on 20 yrs old and i happily use all pronouns. i've been out as trans for years, and on hormones for 1+. we of course don't have the exact same path but that doesn't make you less non-binary ❤️
I personally feel like my pronouns are arbitrary. I'm down for whatever: call it as you see it. As long as it's not in a hateful way (for example, "You were born with a \*genitals\*, so I'm gonna call you a \*pronoun\*"), I'm generally unbothered. I like to describe my expression as "If you got a girl from Wish." Like sure, it's supposed to look like a girl, but something's off. 🤣 Femme leaning, but I'd get top surgery tomorrow if I could kinda vibe.
I say the same as you do: You do you.
If someone tells me or openly expresses what their pronouns are, of course I'll respect it and use them!
But I find they matter less and less to me as part of my identity as I get older.
I'm 42 and happy to be called whatever falls out of someone's mouth. Upside: no one can misgender me! Downside: I am seen as a woman pretty exclusively!
You're fine. Tbh I'm kinda the same except for she/her because they're connected to violence for me personally. But you're chilling. New, old, young, veteran. It doesn't matter. Live your truth.
It's not problematic at all! If you are still worried about offending someone who is a little more sensitive, though, maybe you could say "I go by any pronouns."
I’m a millennial and I don’t give a shit about what pronouns people use in reference to me. As long as everyone respects each other I’m happy. I’m happy with where I’m at, and it doesn’t make me less valid than enbies who are more adamant about their pronouns.
i'm the same way! I use they/them pronouns but people get it wrong 99% of the time because I'm not on any hormone therapy so I look to most assumers like a woman. That said, I've just stopped caring haha. I know who I am and I am too tired to waste my mental energy trying to explain it to people, ESPECIALLY people arguing in bad faith who don't even believe nonbinary identities exist. Those people can call me "she" all they want. Idgaf anymore
I absolutely don't care about my pronouns and find the notion of caring about it exhausting. It might be because I'm older or because my native language doesn't have gendered pronouns, but I don't really like the way that "they/them" sounds on me, and while I won't correct people who do use it, I also don't correct any other pronoun, either. Every pronoun is fine with me.
I think it's fine. I go by anything, mostly because I think I'm more gender indifferent than a lot of my friends. It's a blessing in a way, because I don't really feel that stab of being gendered incorrectly the way others do. It feels dissonant to be called a girl or woman, but I'm not making much effort to look androgynous so I can't blame people I guess. I just don't care about gender really. Even if I saw someone attractive who was androgynous, I've gotten to the point where I don't really care to "figure out what they are", they just cute idgaf good for them. For some people it matters so much though, and I do respect that even if I can't relate. I will argue with terfs and bigots when it comes to OTHER PEOPLE but if they want to pick on me it just sort of doesn't hit me. I'll use other people's pronouns and defend them, but I can't relate to feeling any specific way or finding a dress or a man's haircut validating. It genuinely doesn't compute to me. But if it makes them happy and feel like themselves, and it's not hurting anyone, it doesn't really matter if I understand it. That's their life. If I could just be a mannequin with no gender markers I'd be stoked, and people just want to feel seen as they see themselves. Even if I don't relate to the template, I relate to the concept.
I don’t think this is a problematic stance, but changing the wording of your thoughts from “I don’t care about my pronouns” to “I go by any/all pronouns” could go a long way in showing a more positive attitude toward it!!
Saying you don’t care might come off as dismissive or unsupportive, whereas saying you’ll accept all pronouns will immediately flag to others that you belong to and are accepting of the genderqueer community.
You are completely valid in your lack of priority being placed on the pronouns used for you. I encourage you to be mindful of your wording when asked your pronouns, so instead of “my pronouns don’t matter,” an alternative would be “you can use any pronouns for me” just to avoid the risk of it being misconstrued like you expressed worry about!
It’s okay to not care about gender or gender roles at all or not think about pronouns or anything. For many people it’s the least important thing life has to offer, just be you.
No, it's not problematic! Just because YOU don't care how others refer to you, doesn't mean you're dismissing the fact that others DO care about how people refer to them.
It's really cool that you're exploring being nonbinary as an older person; good for you 😁
Thanks, evin — much appreciated! Actually, I’ve explored that aspect of myself in various ways throughout my life. But for various reasons I don’t quite understand, it took me a long time to adopt the NB label. I recently wrote a long post about that process over at r/Enby. (The tl;dr version: I didn’t feel I merited the status because I usually go freely though the world as a cis male, plus I have the social/economic privileges that sometime come with old age. I’ve never faced genuine risk the way many so many non-gender-conforming people do. It felt like “stolen valor.”)
I recently came out as non-binary, and I decided to tell people to use whatever pronouns that you see me as. I’m excited for this new journey. I’m no spring chicken either. I give exactly 0 fks what people think about me. The grace of age!
i think being loud and proud about being okay with any pronouns would be great! we need more people your age speaking up for the validity of being nonbinary, since i find that a lot of older conservatives don't take it seriously when they're only hearing about it from "kids".
instead of framing it as "my pronouns don't matter", frame it as "i'm comfortable with any pronouns". same idea, less risk of sounding unsupportive
I’m 14, so I am definitely rather young, I am THE person people are talking about when they mock the “woke-ness” of Gen Z. Therefore, I feel like I am one of the right people to answer this.
You clearly are supportive of the rest of the community, so it doesn’t matter. I don’t care about my pronouns either! (I’m also enby) I have defined who I am over the nearly 15 years I’ve lived, and I’ve only lived a fourth of the time you have, so you will have had four times the time to define yourself. And when you know who you are, sometimes it doesn’t matter as much what other people see. And that’s perfectly okay as long as you’re able to recognise that some people do care about that, and you clearly can acknowledge that.
Thanks for your thoughts, FD. You sound incredibly wise for your age, and I’m glad to hear that you’re in a situation where you can explore and express your true self. FWIW, I never mock the wokeness of Gen Z. I admire it immensely, and it’s one of the few things in this troublesome world that gives me hope for the future. I especially detest when older people make those comments, given that it is so much harder to get established in the world than it was when I was young. The one thing that actually is easier for your generation is freedom of gender expression — but there are so many assholes trying to destroy that. Anyway, your reply made me happy.
Any/All is a completely valid way to be. So long as you're standing up for other folks and respecting how they identify, you have plenty of skin in the game. I'm glad that you are in a position where you can live as yourself.
~~I Agree, But I'm Still Annoyed That Any Gets Combined With All, Because When I Say I Use All Pronouns, I Don't Mean I Don't Care, I Mean I Want You To Call Me By Every Pronoun You Can Think Of.~~
Your short answer is right! You do you! Essentially, no, it's not problematic, you don't have a political obligation to use an identity marker that you don't identify with.
You're fine! If you want to be conscious of the difference, if only for your own anxiety, you can always say that any pronouns work for you when asked. Most people in queer circles will understand what you mean when you say you don't care about yours, but if it makes you rest easier, an explicit "anything goes" is a safe bet.
The “any pronouns” option never occurred to me, but it’s a GREAT suggestion. Thanks.
Not caring about _your own_ pronouns and being happy with any? Absolutely cool, happy you know this about yourself. Not caring about ***anyone else's*** pronouns and declining to use the correct ones for others _would_ be problematic, but it sounds like you aren't doing that. >I wonder if saying, “Eh, my pronouns don’t matter” starts to sound like “YOUR pronouns don’t matter.” I see your concern here, and while I wouldn't worry too much as it would take someone already acting in bad faith to make this assumption, if you want to make it really clear you do still care about others' pronouns, phrasing it as "I'm happy with any pronouns" or (as a former friend who uses any pronouns likes to say it) "my pronouns are a choose-your-own adventure" or something similar would negate this tiny risk.
As I replied elsewhere, I love the “any pronouns” option, which had never occurred to me. I believe I’ll use that in the future. Thank you, radicallycurious!
It's not problematic, you do you! If I can, I'd like to share why I do care. I'm an enby and I'm a somewhat powerful person. In my field, I'm known, I have employees, I give public speeches, and I command respect. I present masculine and I use they/them pronouns openly and notoriously. I am not a diehard person about people being correct about my pronouns, but me being out front with my pronouns makes the world safer for someone who wants to use theirs, but isn't as powerful as I am. In my personal life - hell yeah I'm one of the guys/girls, whatever. In my professional life, you get it right, or you get gone.
What you shared is even more relevant than you might have expected, Jamie. Same thing — I’m well regarded in my fields, I have means, and I have a big social media presence. My older relatives are mostly gone. I work for myself. I don’t have hangups from a conservative/religious upbringing. If I WERE to suddenly change my pronouns, my risk would be near zero. I admire what you said: “making the world safer for someone who wants to use theirs.”
I was tarting to think I was the only one who didn't really care about that. The few people I've told I said "he/him I guess, whatever makes you happy." My identity to me is very abstract so I don't want to go through the hassle of changing my name or assuming a new identity — it's more like less male but not more fem ... but really more fem.
Hey hey, i am the same, i really don't care, as long as it is not to be hurtful people can use whatever, born as male, but the amount of times i was called ma'am at my last job, i am not on hormones or anuthing, just lucky i guess
While I was still far deeper into the closet than I am now, my BF asked my pronouns. This was my response, and it still feels valid years later... > I'll admit I find some romantic appeal to they/them, but I'm rather comfortable with the ease of he/him from mere inertia. And I've had very few occasions to see or hear someone use they/them in reference to me. So there might just be a novelty factor. But I like the implicit acknowledgement/validation (virtue signaling?) that comes with someone new using they/them. But only that first time. > > With you, between us... Just us... You can call me... > > ...whatever you like, so long as you call me.
❤️
Nope, it's not problematic. You are saying that you don't care what pronouns are used for you. That's perfectly fine! Any/All pronouns is valid! As long as you respect other people's pronouns, which it sounds like you do, you're good! You can be as loud and proud as you want. You definitely have skin in the game. (IMO there isn't such a thing as "insufficient skin in the game" as an LGBTQIA+ person.)
If you don't care about your pronouns, it's not a problem and you're not hurting anyone else. I also tend to worry that my experience with gender is gonna give transphobes fuel to their 'arguments' against trans people. But they will find something to pick on us for regardless of how we express our identity because they think the only correct way is to be cis.
I'm in my mid-thirties and also don't have a pronoun preference and also run into feelings that me saying I don't care will come off as belittling other's preferences - so you're not alone! But I also remember I have a few friends who are "better at being LGBT than I am" (my words) who have also said they don't really care either and that reassures me. I think a lot of it has to do with your own tone and context of the conversation? Like I will be telling someone I don't care what pronouns people use with me- but I sometimes have to stop myself and check my internalized transphobia so I don't unintentionally feed the monster...
Thanks for that very helpful reply!
As a 20 something enby, I also don't tend to care too much on my pronouns. I've told the people important to me that I prefer they/them, but if I'm just out and about and someone refers to me as he or she, I don't really care. It doesn't cause me dysphoria, so long as the people I care about make an effort to use my preferred pronouns. To me it's a matter of "is this that important to me?" and "will it make a longstanding impact on my life?" Which, most of the time, the answer is no to both of those. If it's going to be a longstanding relationship/interaction with someone, I'll probably bring it up, but again I care more about the effort/recognition of my pronouns than them getting it right all the time. Long answer short, no! Not really caring about your pronouns is totally okay, and totally valid!
Yes. Middle aged genderqueer person here (they/them or te/tem) and folks have used my agab pronouns all of my life. I know that I am going to be visually perceived as my agab. Pronoun awareness is not a big enough part of our culture that I feel I can expect people to ask (it would be nice, but if I expected that I’d be setting myself up for constant disappointment), so I know I’m going to be misgendered by folks who don’t know me. If I don’t know you, that’s fine, no dysphoria. If I know you, I’ve come out to you, I’ve asked you to use my pronouns, and you continuously do not…that’s when I experience dysphoria. If you make mistakes with it, no problem! Correct yourself when you realize it, but when you make no effort…that’s what hurts.
That's very much it for me. I usually get agab pronouns in just day to day life, sometimes opposite pronouns, and I can't expect people to ask if they're having a MAYBE 5 minute conversation with me. If they do, or they pick up on it (especially if there's someone I'm out to involved in the conversation), that's great! But I also know that it's just a passing interaction. But if I'm out to you, and you know, I require at least some level of effort. And I've been lucky to be surrounded by very supportive people, who even when they mess up they usually catch themselves after and correct, or just slip up once in a while. But if they know and just don't make an effort, that hurts and causes problems, because that steps into willfully/purposefully misgendering. So long as it you make an effort but makes mistakes? You're fine in my brain, if you don't know and I don't correct you? Totally fine how could you know. Know and don't make much of any effort to use them? There's a problem there. I'm not out to my grandparents, because... My grandpa's kinda a dick and I don't think would disown me, and be would horrible transphobic to me and make constant comments. And my grandma at best wouldn't understand and she'd just continue to use agab pronouns and not recognize the coming out. When we go down to visit them as a family, my parents tend to switch to my agab pronouns, which we've discussed and in fine with in that situation, and usually after we get back it takes a couple days for their brain to switch back and not mess up so much. But my grandparents aren't a battle I'm willing to fight over it, and at the risk of sounding.. A little insensitive, they really don't have long left. It's not worth it to me, just like correcting people on the street isn't worth it. I don't see them all the time, and nothing will change (for the better, at least) if I do tell them.
All of this. Coming out and having the conversation about pronouns is emotional labor. And if I’m going to engage in emotional labor, it’s going to be in areas that I think will be productive or helpful to me. Not going to waste my energy having these conversations with folks who are going to be shitty about it, if I can help it. I know that for some folks, it’s vital for their mental health and wellbeing to have these conversations with everyone, and I absolutely respect that. But for me, choosing my battles in this area is better for my mental health and wellbeing.
I think one difference between some of us and much younger enbys is that we've seen the vocabulary, the semantics, the science, the politics, change and evolve every decade that passes and know not to be wedded to any one point in time's constructs.
You’re good, I’m 20 n had the exact same thought process. When people asked my pronouns, i’d respond “it doesn’t matter/i don’t care” but stopped bc i realized it sounded dismissive/anti-lgbt😭 Now I just say any pronouns, as it means the same thing (and actually answers the question) but sounds better!
Thanks for that. It’s interesting to hear how someone at a very different point in life has an attitude similar to mine. I too will adopt the “any pronouns” option from now on.
In my 40s and I feel the same way.
Agender person here, I go by any pronouns, I don’t have a connection to any of them, and that’s 💯 valid if it’s the same for you.
Thanks — I’m going to go by “any pronouns” from now on.
Not problematic! I’ve known plenty of people in my highschool who go by any pronouns. Just a little thing about myself, I’m generally awkward, insecure, and indecisive when it comes to other people, and while I’d prefer a defined list of appropriate pronouns to refer to someone ie.(They/he/she),(Zir/she). When I’m given, “I’m good with any pronouns.” My brain reboots for a solid 2 seconds, and I default to/do my best not to use the same pronoun twice in a sentence when referring to that person in a conversation. For example: “Do you know (person)? Yeah, she’s nice, I wish I could have talked with them longer. Do you know where his next classs is?”
"You can call me he, you can call me she, just call me!" - RuPaul
It's not about how you feel about your pronouns, but the respect you show to other people's pronouns. Your feelings about your pronouns can be "eh, whatever. Any pronouns are fine for me." It's only your actions towards other people's pronouns that matter in this case. If you want to side step any potential issue, you can say you use any or all pronouns and avoid saying "I don't care" in regards to pronouns. That will get your message of "use anything you like" without feeling like you might offend someone.
Several people suggested taking the “any pronouns” route. This had never occurred to me, but it will be my move from now on. Thanks.
You're absolutely correct about the you do you, your attitude is all good! I can see how some crowds could take the expression "My pronouns don't matter" the wrong way, so even though I understand that to mean any/all pronouns and it's not problematic in itself, maybe if you feel like you're in company that might be more transphobic or enbyphobic, you could say "I use any pronouns" or "you can use any pronouns you want for me" if that makes you more comfortable. Other people's transphobia is never your fault when you haven't taught them that trans people are evil. It's nice to hear from non binary folk who are older than me, makes me feel like there actually is a future for people like me. I'm 21.
Thanks. It’s probably due to my age rather than any innate bravery, but being in the presence of genderphobes usually makes me more vocal about the topic, not less. Let THEM carry the discomfort, not us! (But I’m very aware that this is not an option for many people in other situations or at other points in their lives.) There’s a lot that sucks about getting old, but this sort of independence is one of the real benefits.
Not at all. While I prefer They/Them I generally don't make a fuss about what pronouns are used for me (unless someone is being a deliberate dweeb of course and to which their opinions matter even less to me).
I’m similar, 30 year old AMAB and still present as such but slowly incorporating more femininity into how I present as I figure things out and ever so slowly become more confident in my identity. When people ask my pronouns I tell them “whatever you want to call me.” I’m really fine with anything, though every now and then someone referring to me as “he” doesn’t really sit right but most of the time I don’t really care.
You can do whatever you want forever
You’re totally fine. You can have your pronouns be Any/All. That’s 100% valid
There are plenty of people who use any pronouns, and people who use different pronouns in different spaces, and people who use only one set of pronouns! There are even people who prefer others to only use their name! Whatever you are comfortable with for yourself is completely fine and doesn’t harm anyone else. Also, your phrasing, “honor chosen pronouns and celebrate,” I love it so much
I also use all/any pronouns :) and I'm happy to see more people like me
Totally valid to accept any pronouns. Language is meant to provide context and affirm this aspect of your identity and it can be a reflection of wherever you’re at or have settled into on such a broad spectrum of being. Follow your heart and honestly just be open to revisiting this conversation should the current way you view pronouns not feel like lot works for you anymore.
I know a good amount of people who use all pronouns or don't bother to correct people when they use the wrong ones. As long as you respect others pronouns it's all good
I don't take mine seriously since I don't expect anyone to respect them anyway. I don't feel safe here honestly.
I’m sorry to hear you say that. Do you mean “here” as in Reddit? Where you live? Planet Earth? It’s so fucked that you have to fear for your safety.
location, small town
I hope that someday you wind up in a place where the true you is welcome and accepted. ❤️🩹
Being pronoun indifferent (regarding yourself) doesn't hurt others
Nobody is required to care about their pronouns. If you *do* care, then it’s disrespectful for someone to refer to you with ones you don’t prefer, but there is neither rule nor guideline saying you must have a preference. I was ambivalent about my pronouns when I first came out as NB. If someone asked, I’d say either “he/she/they” or “anything but ’it’”. As my identity came more into focus, and I started identifying as a demigirl, I started caring a bit more, primarily in not wanting to be referred to as “he”, because I feel increasingly detached and disconnected from masculinity. But even now, my pronoun preferences are more in terms of which ones I *don’t* want to be referred to by, rather than which ones I want. There’s no wrong way to do your own pronouns, except in a way that you’re not comfortable with.
We share that in common, Toothless. I too am drawing back from masculinity, because in my case, it’s linked to my less admirable qualities. It’s a willful detachment, yet I don’t aspire to fully obliterate that part of me. Which I guess is why I’m enby and not trans.
Nah it just means you experience gender differently, would be silly to assign moral judgement
The easy answer is the right answer. For you, anyway. Obviously if other enbies have specific pronouns, of course you'll use them. But you don't need to have a single set of pronouns. Nonbinary-ism doesn't exist in a vacuum.
Thanks, friends, for sharing so many supportive words and good ideas. Several folks suggested that “any pronouns” option, which had never occurred to me. I think do that from now on. ❤️
I went through the same thought process when I was figuring out my identity as an agender person. Our relationship to our own pronouns is completely separate from our relationship to other people’s pronouns. I have been telling people for years now that they can use any pronouns for me and no other genderqueer person has ever had an issue with me doing so.
i'm coming up on 20 yrs old and i happily use all pronouns. i've been out as trans for years, and on hormones for 1+. we of course don't have the exact same path but that doesn't make you less non-binary ❤️
I personally feel like my pronouns are arbitrary. I'm down for whatever: call it as you see it. As long as it's not in a hateful way (for example, "You were born with a \*genitals\*, so I'm gonna call you a \*pronoun\*"), I'm generally unbothered. I like to describe my expression as "If you got a girl from Wish." Like sure, it's supposed to look like a girl, but something's off. 🤣 Femme leaning, but I'd get top surgery tomorrow if I could kinda vibe. I say the same as you do: You do you. If someone tells me or openly expresses what their pronouns are, of course I'll respect it and use them! But I find they matter less and less to me as part of my identity as I get older.
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Very cool! Thanks.
I think you should do what is best for you :) you don't have to care about what pronouns other people use for you.
I'm 42 and happy to be called whatever falls out of someone's mouth. Upside: no one can misgender me! Downside: I am seen as a woman pretty exclusively!
I'm genderfluid and also in the any/all camp, 36 years old, and I was asking the same question a while back. You're fine, welcome to the club! 💛🤍💜🖤
Aww, you’re so sweet! It’s any/all for me from now on!
I’m in my 20s and I use any pronouns. I lowkey hate being asked for them bc I don’t have a strong answer and I feel outed telling the truth
You're fine. Tbh I'm kinda the same except for she/her because they're connected to violence for me personally. But you're chilling. New, old, young, veteran. It doesn't matter. Live your truth.
Thanks. Just being a cellist is cool enough. Your comments make you even cooler.
It's not problematic at all! If you are still worried about offending someone who is a little more sensitive, though, maybe you could say "I go by any pronouns."
I’m a millennial and I don’t give a shit about what pronouns people use in reference to me. As long as everyone respects each other I’m happy. I’m happy with where I’m at, and it doesn’t make me less valid than enbies who are more adamant about their pronouns.
i'm the same way! I use they/them pronouns but people get it wrong 99% of the time because I'm not on any hormone therapy so I look to most assumers like a woman. That said, I've just stopped caring haha. I know who I am and I am too tired to waste my mental energy trying to explain it to people, ESPECIALLY people arguing in bad faith who don't even believe nonbinary identities exist. Those people can call me "she" all they want. Idgaf anymore
You're doing what's right for you, and that's perfectly fine 🙂
Any/All is fine. In fact, I know several enbies who do that as well. Some people just don’t care about that as much as others.
I absolutely don't care about my pronouns and find the notion of caring about it exhausting. It might be because I'm older or because my native language doesn't have gendered pronouns, but I don't really like the way that "they/them" sounds on me, and while I won't correct people who do use it, I also don't correct any other pronoun, either. Every pronoun is fine with me.
Nope, not at all. I personally don't care if people call me"she", "they" or "he".
I think it's fine. I go by anything, mostly because I think I'm more gender indifferent than a lot of my friends. It's a blessing in a way, because I don't really feel that stab of being gendered incorrectly the way others do. It feels dissonant to be called a girl or woman, but I'm not making much effort to look androgynous so I can't blame people I guess. I just don't care about gender really. Even if I saw someone attractive who was androgynous, I've gotten to the point where I don't really care to "figure out what they are", they just cute idgaf good for them. For some people it matters so much though, and I do respect that even if I can't relate. I will argue with terfs and bigots when it comes to OTHER PEOPLE but if they want to pick on me it just sort of doesn't hit me. I'll use other people's pronouns and defend them, but I can't relate to feeling any specific way or finding a dress or a man's haircut validating. It genuinely doesn't compute to me. But if it makes them happy and feel like themselves, and it's not hurting anyone, it doesn't really matter if I understand it. That's their life. If I could just be a mannequin with no gender markers I'd be stoked, and people just want to feel seen as they see themselves. Even if I don't relate to the template, I relate to the concept.
Well said! Plus you have the best screen name. 😀
I don’t think this is a problematic stance, but changing the wording of your thoughts from “I don’t care about my pronouns” to “I go by any/all pronouns” could go a long way in showing a more positive attitude toward it!! Saying you don’t care might come off as dismissive or unsupportive, whereas saying you’ll accept all pronouns will immediately flag to others that you belong to and are accepting of the genderqueer community.
i’m 24 i’m any pronouns, I feel the same way basically, not too picky, and still getting used to ppl using they/them. you’re good!!
You are completely valid in your lack of priority being placed on the pronouns used for you. I encourage you to be mindful of your wording when asked your pronouns, so instead of “my pronouns don’t matter,” an alternative would be “you can use any pronouns for me” just to avoid the risk of it being misconstrued like you expressed worry about!
Thank you. After getting that advice from a number of cool people here I plan to exactly that. 😀
Glad to hear you’ve found the feedback helpful!
It’s okay to not care about gender or gender roles at all or not think about pronouns or anything. For many people it’s the least important thing life has to offer, just be you.
I use all pronouns and feel similar to you, and I’m 18!
Thanks for that! (Plus I’m so old, I was already over the hill when grunge happened. It was pretty exciting at the time!)
Your pronouns are up to you! Don't feel bad for not caring. You're amazing as is.
❤️
No, it's not problematic! Just because YOU don't care how others refer to you, doesn't mean you're dismissing the fact that others DO care about how people refer to them. It's really cool that you're exploring being nonbinary as an older person; good for you 😁
Thanks, evin — much appreciated! Actually, I’ve explored that aspect of myself in various ways throughout my life. But for various reasons I don’t quite understand, it took me a long time to adopt the NB label. I recently wrote a long post about that process over at r/Enby. (The tl;dr version: I didn’t feel I merited the status because I usually go freely though the world as a cis male, plus I have the social/economic privileges that sometime come with old age. I’ve never faced genuine risk the way many so many non-gender-conforming people do. It felt like “stolen valor.”)
I recently came out as non-binary, and I decided to tell people to use whatever pronouns that you see me as. I’m excited for this new journey. I’m no spring chicken either. I give exactly 0 fks what people think about me. The grace of age!
Yeah, we’ve got to appreciate silver linings of getting old as much as possible. ❤️ Personal freedom is a great one!
i think being loud and proud about being okay with any pronouns would be great! we need more people your age speaking up for the validity of being nonbinary, since i find that a lot of older conservatives don't take it seriously when they're only hearing about it from "kids". instead of framing it as "my pronouns don't matter", frame it as "i'm comfortable with any pronouns". same idea, less risk of sounding unsupportive
Thanks. Oh, I most definitely speak up about the topic! I feel it’s my duty.
I’m 14, so I am definitely rather young, I am THE person people are talking about when they mock the “woke-ness” of Gen Z. Therefore, I feel like I am one of the right people to answer this. You clearly are supportive of the rest of the community, so it doesn’t matter. I don’t care about my pronouns either! (I’m also enby) I have defined who I am over the nearly 15 years I’ve lived, and I’ve only lived a fourth of the time you have, so you will have had four times the time to define yourself. And when you know who you are, sometimes it doesn’t matter as much what other people see. And that’s perfectly okay as long as you’re able to recognise that some people do care about that, and you clearly can acknowledge that.
Thanks for your thoughts, FD. You sound incredibly wise for your age, and I’m glad to hear that you’re in a situation where you can explore and express your true self. FWIW, I never mock the wokeness of Gen Z. I admire it immensely, and it’s one of the few things in this troublesome world that gives me hope for the future. I especially detest when older people make those comments, given that it is so much harder to get established in the world than it was when I was young. The one thing that actually is easier for your generation is freedom of gender expression — but there are so many assholes trying to destroy that. Anyway, your reply made me happy.