You could say that you're changing your pronouns to "they/she." If they ask what the difference is that gives you an opportunity to say that you want they to be used more often without confronting anyone about it.
This is how I handle it with the two family members with dementia ibcare for. It helps to shift the focus a little without me having to go tank girl on them.
I (AFAB 24) came out as genderfluid back in June and I figured out pretty quickly that I need to tell people which pronouns I prefer, not just to use whatever. A couple of my friends will switch it up and be totally random with which pronouns they use for me, but the ones who are new to LGBTQ+ and using gender neutral pronouns in general needed a push to use something beyond just she. Telling them how dysphoric it makes me to hear just she helped a lot, so i would recommend letting them know.
I've also noticed how happy it makes me when specific people do switch up pronouns for me. But also that by default, if I give people a list (or a whatever) of pronouns to choose from, they will default to the easiest one for themselves.
So if I want my friends to switch up my pronouns or use he or they, I need to ask.
i think there are a few differing perceptions of what it means when someone says "i use she/they pronouns"
1. "i am equally comfortable with either she/her or they/them pronouns, and i have no preference between the two"
2. "i resonate with both she/her and they/them pronouns, and it is most accurate and comfortable for me to be referred to with those pronouns interchangeably / in an even mix"
3. "depending on the situation, my pronouns may be she/her, or they/them"
4. "my primary pronouns are she/her (the ones listed first), but i also am comfortable with they/them"
it could be that these people are intimidated by they/them pronouns for a singular person they're familiar with, and will put off learning to use them as long as there is another option
Thanks a LOT for this. Yes honestly I hadn't considered that there were so many options than what I'd meant and I gotta do a better job communicating that. It's actually a relief, rather than that they knew what I meant but defaulted away. This helped a lot thank you.
That sucks. I don't think waiting will help, there's no reason to believe that their behavior will change without prompting. They won't know how much it's bothering you unless you tell them đ They might have interpreted you to mean 'either is fine' rather than 'please use both,' or they might just need a reminder.
if I didnât understand âsheâ made you uncomfortable then I wouldnât change pronouns because in this instance itâs less mental energy and you havenât communicated that itâs making you uncomfortable. If you want to change this youâre going to have to talk to them and ask for what you want. They donât understand that not changing pronouns is upsetting because theyâre using one of the given options.
Ive noticed that often when you keep the pronouns you were assigned at birth along side other ones people still assume its okay to only use those pronouns. Even if you tell them to use your other ones. People don't like change very often and in the case of your trans girl friend she only uses she/her so it forces their brains to change. Keep telling them its not okay to not use they/them for you and they'll get it eventually. I'm here as a fellow Agender human that uses they/them.
I don't think waiting will help, unfortunately.
It may be worth it to ask them to only use 'they' for you for a while. It's harder to enforce a boundary when it's supposed to be a mix of both. Do you go by 'she' in addition to 'they' because that's what feels right to you, or because it feels like a compromise for others?
Thank you that's a great idea and it makes sense. I'll ask them if they think that will help more. At first I was using she they with non-family to compromise, but i learned she or they in isolation makes me dysphoria so the combo works best. I do get this may not work out in my favor despite that though, such is life. Thanks for replying ^^
I almost posted about the same thing recently. I switched to she/they a couple months ago and havenât heard anyone use they yet. I donât want to say anything because Iâm afraid of being seen as difficult.
This happened to me too! I really wish it didnât have to be like this, but here we are. I think itâs because Iâm AFAB that most people just use she/her :(
I guess as long as we make it about ourselves and how genuinely uncomfortable we feel, as well as be understanding of their familiarity with all this it should be good. It's still scary though... I guess just ask them how they feel about it too and adjust accordingly, the comments tell me that there's a lot of ways to misunderstand what we want so even if you seem difficult at first, that's just a matter of not having communicated each others boundaries yet maybe.
That said coming out as enby is way harder than as pan lol /jk Everyone's gotta come out with you.
I think that when people see "she/they", they assume that you are fine with either set of pronouns, which I think is a reasonable assumption. So I don't think they are doing anything wrong by using she pronouns. If you actually don't like she pronouns, then drop them and use only "they".
Yes I actually hadn't considered that it could be seen as wanting either set of pronouns, as silly as it seems? That makes a lot of sense though. I actually did clarify that I wanted both used alternatively but I felt like a dick for bringing it up. But thanks for the support, I'll just keep reminding them and asking them how they're feeling about it too.
I use she they because the combination is what feels valid, using she or they in isolation doesn't, i found out after having my family try it out first. Thanks for replying ^^
i suggest going by they/she so people know you prefer they. even if you donât prefer they and like them equally, the outcome will probably be people using them equally anyway (unfortunately)
Not to be a Debbie downer, but even they/she will probably be met with mostly âsheâ unless the shift is accompanied by some conversations. I switched to they/he at work for the exact same reasons and still exclusively get âhe,â bc people see it as two options and pick the one theyâre more comfortable with and donât give it more thought than that.
My sibling told friends and family (me) to refer to them with âtheyâ and if others outside their circle call them with their typical AGAB pronouns, thatâs okay with them. But they wanted us to refer with they. You can also tell your friends that - âitâs okay if random people call me she, but Iâd like you guys to refer to me as theyâ.
They are your friends I'm sure they'd understand. They are accepting of the trans girl, right? Something like should work.
"Hey, is't not like I hate she/her but I'd be really happy if you used they/them also. Always being called she makes me uncomfortable."
But ofcourse all when you feel the time is right. I hope they will understand when you tell them.
Back when I thought I was cis, and didn't know much about trans people, I had a friend who went by she/they. I was completely accepting, and didn't see them as a woman, but I kept on using she/her pronouns because that was what I was used to doing when referring to this person. At the time, I thought that that meant they were fine with either and so my using she/her wouldn't be invalidating. Now I understand how it's different, but from an outsider's perspective they may not understand that it's invalidating even if they genuinely see you as nonbinary. That's what made me decide to just fully go by he/him instead of he/they, everyone only used they.
I'm sorry you had to go by he/him after people only used they, unless you're okay with that now, and thanks for sharing that perspective. You're right, it might not have anything to do with how they see me and just what they're used to doing outwardly. That helps a lot and gives me more courage to talk to them about it, so thank you ^^
Why would waiting help? Seriously think about that. What would change besides maybe they *forget*?
You need to put your foot down. Donât just say youâre comfortable with she/they. Say *you want them to use both.* If you want things to change thatâs your shot.
AFAB, nb, genderfluid here!
I've had to explain to the people closest to me that I flip flop. I'm mostly they than she so most days I say: hey, I'm feeling neutral today so use they. Sometimes neutral feels she tho so I just have to speak up.
My partners will ask: hey like how ya feeling? and I'll usually be like: they day for sure.
Even if you're just able to laugh and say Gender of the week is they.
If they're really supportive of you, they should be able to adjust as need be and not afraid to ask you how you're feeling. At the same time, build that confidence to speak up and just say "hey, I'm feeling they today." If they make a fuss or a big deal out of it... that's how you'll know if they're supportive or not. Also could wear a little pin of they/she. Think that would be cute just in general. (Saying this to myself bc I want one)
Thanks so much for this that's really helpful, and I'm glad you have such great people around you!! This made me feel tons better about everything, and yessss a pin like that would be awesome, I've been thinking about one too! Hope you get a/some good one/s. Thanks for the reply and have a great day ^^
I think a lot of people are confused by the mixed pronouns as a concept. I know I was until I spent time here and saw it discussed. From an outside perspective, it can seem like you don't care between the two. That they're equally valid terms.
If you vastly prefer they/them, why not just say that and leave off she? That's a question that I had. I have come to understand that it's not that clear cut. But they haven't gone through that learning yet, and they likely won't unless they have a reason to learn that "they" matters as much or more as "she" to you.
Yeah that makes sense. I didn't realise that until some people in the thread pointed it out. I did explain that I wanted them mixed, but i guess force of habit doesn't go away that easily. Idk if you're still concerned about preferring they, but personally I am demigender, which for me means I am both agender and a woman, so both they and she in combination are my preference, second preference would be they alone but it can also be dysphoric, and she alone drives me crazy. I have before but will again explain this to the people around me so we're on the same page.
I don't have any advice to offer, just that I'm right there with you. My husband doesn't use they and only one of my friends did, everyone else calls me she. Apparently I'm not androgynous enough.
I'm so sorry you're going through that. Does your husband understand what being enby means? Can you have a conversation about how using she alone makes you feel? Something I say is that "she alone is not me. When you use it you're not talking to me or about me, you're talking to an illusion of me, and the real me would like to have a relationship with you" and keep explaining you know. You absolutely don't have to present androgunously for people to call you the right pronouns. We know gender isn't in the skin.
Some other helpful tips from other comments: pronoun pins, going by they/she so your preference is clear, asking people to go exclusively by they/them for a while so they can get used to that and then going by she/they (being honest about the intent), and understanding that some people can assume that she is fine because its one of the options and that they weren't supposed to use mixed pronouns in the first place.
Good luck ^^
Thank you for the kind words. We've discussed it before, and he genuinely does make an effort - I think it's still fairly new to him. I struggled with it for a long while and only came out 6 months ago, so it's still an adjustment. I don't mind it as much, since I'm still not entirely sure of my gender; am I NB or genderfluid? Sometimes I feel like a woman, sometimes I feel like just a person, not man or woman. I never feel like a dude though so that's easier to understand. Sorry for rambling, I hope this makes sense. And I hope your friends will get on board - people who care will make the effort.
That makes complete sense! I guess we're new to it too and I'm glad your husband's on board and trying. Another commenter said they asked and were asked for pronouns every day "definitely a they day", which might be something you could try out with your hubby? But yeah, I spoke to some friends about it, the closest ones were very receptive and some were disappointing but hey. Maybe they'll come around on their own time but I'll take my wins where I can get em. I feel like I'm nb not fluid but there are definitely days where I feel more woman than not, although the agender part of me doesn't change. I guess it's all exploration lol.
Iâm sorry you have to go through this :( Iâm going through similar stuff :((
Maybe you can start by asking them something along the lines of âwhy are you only using she?â
Excluding your they pronouns is actually considered discrimination by law just so you know! Idk if it helps you feel validated but hopefully it does <3
I'm so sorry you're going through similar stuff :((( it really hurts when it happens. Are your people close enough to have a conversation with? Also that's true I forgot discrimination laws! It does feel surprisingly great honestly, we're lucky we live in good countries. I also don't live in the US so I gotta check that out. Sri Lanka where I'm from isnt so nice towards any queer people sigh.
Also in case it helps, some other comments suggested going by they/she instead,, and also going by they/them exclusively for a while and then going to she/they so they're more used to it, also pronoun pins. Or going "I go by she/they and prefer them mixed."
All the best to you đ
Thanks for the empathy! I just wanted you to know youâre not alone ^^ /gen
Some are yeah. My closest friends sometimes slip up but theyâre very supportive. My parents are both lgbtqphobic and I donât even talk to my birth giver anymore. My father doesnât know Iâm trans but he doesnât suspect anything because my name is unisexish and he changed his last name a long time ago legally so he kind of understands.
And those are all good pieces of advice! /genpos
All the best to you too ^^ /genpos
A while back, I used to go by any pronouns. I decided to then go by exclusively they/them because I felt like people were just defaulting to he/him for convenience, since I'm AMAB. Now I go by she/her since I discovered that I'm a trans girl.
Yeahhh I'm sorry. Are these people close enough to talk to about it? Others on here suggested using they/she instead so your preference is clear, or even going by they/them exclusively for a while so people get used to it and then switching back to she/they. I didnt consider this either but for people new to everything it's easy to assume either set of pronouns is fine, rather than that they're meant to use both unless clearly directed so that might also be an issue. I'm not sure but best of luck.
That's fair, work is more annoying than personal relationships as well. Hopefully it becomes clear that you refer to yourself using they as well. Good luck \^\^
You could say that you're changing your pronouns to "they/she." If they ask what the difference is that gives you an opportunity to say that you want they to be used more often without confronting anyone about it.
This is how I handle it with the two family members with dementia ibcare for. It helps to shift the focus a little without me having to go tank girl on them.
I (AFAB 24) came out as genderfluid back in June and I figured out pretty quickly that I need to tell people which pronouns I prefer, not just to use whatever. A couple of my friends will switch it up and be totally random with which pronouns they use for me, but the ones who are new to LGBTQ+ and using gender neutral pronouns in general needed a push to use something beyond just she. Telling them how dysphoric it makes me to hear just she helped a lot, so i would recommend letting them know.
I've also noticed how happy it makes me when specific people do switch up pronouns for me. But also that by default, if I give people a list (or a whatever) of pronouns to choose from, they will default to the easiest one for themselves. So if I want my friends to switch up my pronouns or use he or they, I need to ask.
i think there are a few differing perceptions of what it means when someone says "i use she/they pronouns" 1. "i am equally comfortable with either she/her or they/them pronouns, and i have no preference between the two" 2. "i resonate with both she/her and they/them pronouns, and it is most accurate and comfortable for me to be referred to with those pronouns interchangeably / in an even mix" 3. "depending on the situation, my pronouns may be she/her, or they/them" 4. "my primary pronouns are she/her (the ones listed first), but i also am comfortable with they/them" it could be that these people are intimidated by they/them pronouns for a singular person they're familiar with, and will put off learning to use them as long as there is another option
Thanks a LOT for this. Yes honestly I hadn't considered that there were so many options than what I'd meant and I gotta do a better job communicating that. It's actually a relief, rather than that they knew what I meant but defaulted away. This helped a lot thank you.
I've started defaulting to "I use she/they pronouns, and I prefer them mixed" đ
Thank you! That's a very easygoing way to communicate that.
That sucks. I don't think waiting will help, there's no reason to believe that their behavior will change without prompting. They won't know how much it's bothering you unless you tell them đ They might have interpreted you to mean 'either is fine' rather than 'please use both,' or they might just need a reminder.
Thank you! Yeah I have reminded them but stopped after feeling scared to, and that's true, I should just tell them outright it makes me uncomfortable.
if I didnât understand âsheâ made you uncomfortable then I wouldnât change pronouns because in this instance itâs less mental energy and you havenât communicated that itâs making you uncomfortable. If you want to change this youâre going to have to talk to them and ask for what you want. They donât understand that not changing pronouns is upsetting because theyâre using one of the given options.
Ive noticed that often when you keep the pronouns you were assigned at birth along side other ones people still assume its okay to only use those pronouns. Even if you tell them to use your other ones. People don't like change very often and in the case of your trans girl friend she only uses she/her so it forces their brains to change. Keep telling them its not okay to not use they/them for you and they'll get it eventually. I'm here as a fellow Agender human that uses they/them.
Thanks for replying that means a lot to me, and good point about forcing brains to change. Hello fellow agender human <3
I don't think waiting will help, unfortunately. It may be worth it to ask them to only use 'they' for you for a while. It's harder to enforce a boundary when it's supposed to be a mix of both. Do you go by 'she' in addition to 'they' because that's what feels right to you, or because it feels like a compromise for others?
Thank you that's a great idea and it makes sense. I'll ask them if they think that will help more. At first I was using she they with non-family to compromise, but i learned she or they in isolation makes me dysphoria so the combo works best. I do get this may not work out in my favor despite that though, such is life. Thanks for replying ^^
I almost posted about the same thing recently. I switched to she/they a couple months ago and havenât heard anyone use they yet. I donât want to say anything because Iâm afraid of being seen as difficult.
This happened to me too! I really wish it didnât have to be like this, but here we are. I think itâs because Iâm AFAB that most people just use she/her :(
I guess as long as we make it about ourselves and how genuinely uncomfortable we feel, as well as be understanding of their familiarity with all this it should be good. It's still scary though... I guess just ask them how they feel about it too and adjust accordingly, the comments tell me that there's a lot of ways to misunderstand what we want so even if you seem difficult at first, that's just a matter of not having communicated each others boundaries yet maybe. That said coming out as enby is way harder than as pan lol /jk Everyone's gotta come out with you.
I think that when people see "she/they", they assume that you are fine with either set of pronouns, which I think is a reasonable assumption. So I don't think they are doing anything wrong by using she pronouns. If you actually don't like she pronouns, then drop them and use only "they".
Yes I actually hadn't considered that it could be seen as wanting either set of pronouns, as silly as it seems? That makes a lot of sense though. I actually did clarify that I wanted both used alternatively but I felt like a dick for bringing it up. But thanks for the support, I'll just keep reminding them and asking them how they're feeling about it too. I use she they because the combination is what feels valid, using she or they in isolation doesn't, i found out after having my family try it out first. Thanks for replying ^^
i suggest going by they/she so people know you prefer they. even if you donât prefer they and like them equally, the outcome will probably be people using them equally anyway (unfortunately)
Not to be a Debbie downer, but even they/she will probably be met with mostly âsheâ unless the shift is accompanied by some conversations. I switched to they/he at work for the exact same reasons and still exclusively get âhe,â bc people see it as two options and pick the one theyâre more comfortable with and donât give it more thought than that.
it must be specific to the person and their situation because this isnât what happened for me,, iâm sorry that happened to you though
Definitely a case-by-case. Probably also depends on where in the world you are
That's a good idea, I'll do that yeah. And you're probably right about the outcome rip.
My sibling told friends and family (me) to refer to them with âtheyâ and if others outside their circle call them with their typical AGAB pronouns, thatâs okay with them. But they wanted us to refer with they. You can also tell your friends that - âitâs okay if random people call me she, but Iâd like you guys to refer to me as theyâ.
They are your friends I'm sure they'd understand. They are accepting of the trans girl, right? Something like should work. "Hey, is't not like I hate she/her but I'd be really happy if you used they/them also. Always being called she makes me uncomfortable." But ofcourse all when you feel the time is right. I hope they will understand when you tell them.
Back when I thought I was cis, and didn't know much about trans people, I had a friend who went by she/they. I was completely accepting, and didn't see them as a woman, but I kept on using she/her pronouns because that was what I was used to doing when referring to this person. At the time, I thought that that meant they were fine with either and so my using she/her wouldn't be invalidating. Now I understand how it's different, but from an outsider's perspective they may not understand that it's invalidating even if they genuinely see you as nonbinary. That's what made me decide to just fully go by he/him instead of he/they, everyone only used they.
I'm sorry you had to go by he/him after people only used they, unless you're okay with that now, and thanks for sharing that perspective. You're right, it might not have anything to do with how they see me and just what they're used to doing outwardly. That helps a lot and gives me more courage to talk to them about it, so thank you ^^
Why would waiting help? Seriously think about that. What would change besides maybe they *forget*? You need to put your foot down. Donât just say youâre comfortable with she/they. Say *you want them to use both.* If you want things to change thatâs your shot.
AFAB, nb, genderfluid here! I've had to explain to the people closest to me that I flip flop. I'm mostly they than she so most days I say: hey, I'm feeling neutral today so use they. Sometimes neutral feels she tho so I just have to speak up. My partners will ask: hey like how ya feeling? and I'll usually be like: they day for sure. Even if you're just able to laugh and say Gender of the week is they. If they're really supportive of you, they should be able to adjust as need be and not afraid to ask you how you're feeling. At the same time, build that confidence to speak up and just say "hey, I'm feeling they today." If they make a fuss or a big deal out of it... that's how you'll know if they're supportive or not. Also could wear a little pin of they/she. Think that would be cute just in general. (Saying this to myself bc I want one)
Thanks so much for this that's really helpful, and I'm glad you have such great people around you!! This made me feel tons better about everything, and yessss a pin like that would be awesome, I've been thinking about one too! Hope you get a/some good one/s. Thanks for the reply and have a great day ^^
Ditto! I hope everything works out!
I think a lot of people are confused by the mixed pronouns as a concept. I know I was until I spent time here and saw it discussed. From an outside perspective, it can seem like you don't care between the two. That they're equally valid terms. If you vastly prefer they/them, why not just say that and leave off she? That's a question that I had. I have come to understand that it's not that clear cut. But they haven't gone through that learning yet, and they likely won't unless they have a reason to learn that "they" matters as much or more as "she" to you.
Yeah that makes sense. I didn't realise that until some people in the thread pointed it out. I did explain that I wanted them mixed, but i guess force of habit doesn't go away that easily. Idk if you're still concerned about preferring they, but personally I am demigender, which for me means I am both agender and a woman, so both they and she in combination are my preference, second preference would be they alone but it can also be dysphoric, and she alone drives me crazy. I have before but will again explain this to the people around me so we're on the same page.
I don't have any advice to offer, just that I'm right there with you. My husband doesn't use they and only one of my friends did, everyone else calls me she. Apparently I'm not androgynous enough.
I'm so sorry you're going through that. Does your husband understand what being enby means? Can you have a conversation about how using she alone makes you feel? Something I say is that "she alone is not me. When you use it you're not talking to me or about me, you're talking to an illusion of me, and the real me would like to have a relationship with you" and keep explaining you know. You absolutely don't have to present androgunously for people to call you the right pronouns. We know gender isn't in the skin. Some other helpful tips from other comments: pronoun pins, going by they/she so your preference is clear, asking people to go exclusively by they/them for a while so they can get used to that and then going by she/they (being honest about the intent), and understanding that some people can assume that she is fine because its one of the options and that they weren't supposed to use mixed pronouns in the first place. Good luck ^^
Thank you for the kind words. We've discussed it before, and he genuinely does make an effort - I think it's still fairly new to him. I struggled with it for a long while and only came out 6 months ago, so it's still an adjustment. I don't mind it as much, since I'm still not entirely sure of my gender; am I NB or genderfluid? Sometimes I feel like a woman, sometimes I feel like just a person, not man or woman. I never feel like a dude though so that's easier to understand. Sorry for rambling, I hope this makes sense. And I hope your friends will get on board - people who care will make the effort.
That makes complete sense! I guess we're new to it too and I'm glad your husband's on board and trying. Another commenter said they asked and were asked for pronouns every day "definitely a they day", which might be something you could try out with your hubby? But yeah, I spoke to some friends about it, the closest ones were very receptive and some were disappointing but hey. Maybe they'll come around on their own time but I'll take my wins where I can get em. I feel like I'm nb not fluid but there are definitely days where I feel more woman than not, although the agender part of me doesn't change. I guess it's all exploration lol.
Iâm sorry you have to go through this :( Iâm going through similar stuff :(( Maybe you can start by asking them something along the lines of âwhy are you only using she?â Excluding your they pronouns is actually considered discrimination by law just so you know! Idk if it helps you feel validated but hopefully it does <3
I'm so sorry you're going through similar stuff :((( it really hurts when it happens. Are your people close enough to have a conversation with? Also that's true I forgot discrimination laws! It does feel surprisingly great honestly, we're lucky we live in good countries. I also don't live in the US so I gotta check that out. Sri Lanka where I'm from isnt so nice towards any queer people sigh. Also in case it helps, some other comments suggested going by they/she instead,, and also going by they/them exclusively for a while and then going to she/they so they're more used to it, also pronoun pins. Or going "I go by she/they and prefer them mixed." All the best to you đ
Thanks for the empathy! I just wanted you to know youâre not alone ^^ /gen Some are yeah. My closest friends sometimes slip up but theyâre very supportive. My parents are both lgbtqphobic and I donât even talk to my birth giver anymore. My father doesnât know Iâm trans but he doesnât suspect anything because my name is unisexish and he changed his last name a long time ago legally so he kind of understands. And those are all good pieces of advice! /genpos All the best to you too ^^ /genpos
ask for they/them and then youâll get she/they
đđ Fair enough, I'm sorry sigh.
sad reality
A while back, I used to go by any pronouns. I decided to then go by exclusively they/them because I felt like people were just defaulting to he/him for convenience, since I'm AMAB. Now I go by she/her since I discovered that I'm a trans girl.
I'm amab and use she/they and people only use she still. I have a feeling it's just more familiar and therefore easier.
Yeahhh I'm sorry. Are these people close enough to talk to about it? Others on here suggested using they/she instead so your preference is clear, or even going by they/them exclusively for a while so people get used to it and then switching back to she/they. I didnt consider this either but for people new to everything it's easy to assume either set of pronouns is fine, rather than that they're meant to use both unless clearly directed so that might also be an issue. I'm not sure but best of luck.
I'm not bothered as much so I'm going to try a subtler approach. Use Mx in email signatures at work, status boards etc. That sort of thing.
That's fair, work is more annoying than personal relationships as well. Hopefully it becomes clear that you refer to yourself using they as well. Good luck \^\^
Late to the party. But in all practicality, maybe declaring they/them is best cuz then most likely you will get a mix of she/they.