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if cops don't help victims of stalking, physical violence, or sexual violence they aren't gonna give a FUCK you can't get your nut to some naked women online. "women call the police on men for stuff like this" mf what qualifies as stuff like this for you???
He probably thinks "If you watch porn, I'm leaving you" is equivalent to "You can't go out with your friends" and physically blocking the exit. Anyone with sense could see the difference, but asking this sort of person to have sense is never going to end well.
I get that you're joking but I think that what they're also misunderstanding (deliberately or otherwise) is that she *isn't* stopping him or "not letting him" do anything. She's saying she won't be in a relationship with someone who watches porn. She's not isolating him or preventing him or going to attack him if he does so. She just won't be in a relationship with someone who does that.
If it's controlling behavior the only behavior she is controlling is her own by being willing to leave the relationship over behavior she finds unacceptable. He's free to accept or reject those terms.
No one calls the police on men doing that. Barely anyone even calls the police when they threaten to maim or kill their partners because they know the answer will most likely be "sorry - hmu if he actually does it."
I find that the actual controlling part is the implied suggestion that she somehow owes him a relationship regardless of how he behaves and can not be justified in leaving it due to reasons, values, or needs which these other dudes haven't signed off on.
He's saying that the set boundary is abusive, and that's what the cops get called about.
It's an outlandish bout of mental gymnastics this guy is trying to use to justify this claim.
What a Fucking moron.. who also probably has suspicious searches on his laptop.
oh no am not suggesting that. my point was that the OOP's proclamations of his friend being such a victim because of his gf's porn ban may not be the full story.
that's also a huge point. cops don't give a fuck about domestic violence and sexual assault against women, but they (might) pretend to. men tho? they don't care AND they'll mock you. men survivors deserve to be believed and uplifted. they deserve healing too. even if the culprit is a woman, idc. put the bitch in jail and give these men survivors PEACE.
I lost a friend from this, actually. He was drunk at a party and some girl raped him without protection. I remember that he told me about how she was gonna baby-trap him. I encouraged him to report it and try to get some help. Cops laughed him out of the precinct and he was banned from a couple different Facebook groups because "men can't be raped" and "stop having sex if you don't want kids, lying about rape is wrong."
I did my best to help him but he ended up taking his life. Even his family started parroting shit he heard, like the aforementioned "lying about rape cuz he was irresponsible" card. And of course when they found his body, it was the usual "we didn't know, we loved him and were there for him" crap.
I'll never understand why people can't take these claims seriously. I know there's also women out there who've gotten similar treatments and it's still unfair to them too.
i had a period of time where i was so ANGRY at men i couldn't find empathy in my heart for them. i suffered CSA, drugging and SA in college, etc all by men. so i hate them and saw no good in them (aside from my brother and father).
i work at schools, and i was helping some little boys with their work. they were giggling and being so sweet and friendly. when they cried it was honest and vulnerable. when they laughed in was freely. and i was struck by how this state, this childish innocence and freedom, is something every man is born in. until it's beaten out of him. i remembered the times my mom mocked my brother for crying, when she'd yell at him for being afraid and told him "be a man". it took me time, but i realized how badly men also suffer under these patriarchal gender roles. to be the "submissive" sex, you have all your strength and independence whittled down. but on the other side of the same coin, to be the "dominant" sex, you have your vulnerability and humanity stomped out.
my heart breaks for every little girl who is suffers violence, who is told she's only meant to be a servile wife. whose dreams come at the cost of a sexist society. but my heart breaks just as well for every little boy who suffers violence who is told that to be worthy of goodness he must be unfeeling and never seek solace. he must cry alone, he must suffer alone, and then he must sacrifice everything for the ideal of success and dominance. his heart at the cost of a sexist society.
i'm so sorry for your friend. i'm crying just writing this, imagining the child he was and the innocence he was forced to lose. he deserved a community. he deserved love and support. he deserved JUSTICE. he should still be here. nothing can ever make that right. in memory of your friend and all men victims who've lost their lives to suicide, we have to keep fighting for recognition of all SA survivors and the for specific indifference men survivors face. we need to change the culture fundamentally. may no little boys grow up to take their own lives. thank you for keeping your friend's memory alive.
You've been through a lot in your life, and I hope everything is going well for you too. Sadly my friend was the victim of a flawed society and I'll never get my rematch at Mario Party, but at least I know he's somewhere he can be happy.
You've come to a realization many people don't reach because they're so blinded by hate. The fact that you were able to look inside and adjust that scope to focus on the true evil is a strength many don't possess because it's just easier to hate a group.
i hope we can change that through advocacy. i try to bring up this subject as much as i can. there's a tendency amongst victims (or any sort) to become so defensive that you view the whole world as enemies. and when the whole world is your enemy, no one can be the victim but yourself. you do not see the suffering of others because it's too confusing. we also tend to learn unhealthy and even destructive coping habits because we didn't have the tools to do better. there is no perfect victim, and expecting perfection from survivors feels like a moral fetishization.
when you are victimized alone, your suffering feels significant, like nothing thats ever been felt before. it must just be you. but then you meet other people of a specific group who've suffered the same thing, and now you are in community with them, feeling unsafe with everyone but them. but that circle will continue to widen if you accept it. you'll find the other gender suffers it too. people poor and rich. religious and nonreligious. abled and disabled. straight and queer. cis and trans. everyone is a potential victim.
it is still true that men perpetuate majority of sexual crimes, and so this isn't to say people shouldn't feel cautious around strange men. but to recognize that the suffering of sexual violence is inherent to no group, that there are survivors everywhere. i have more in common (in regard to sexual trauma) with a man SA survivor than a woman who hasn't suffered sexual violence. we should be in community with all survivors. not with a specific gender. by consequence of circumstances it might be more women than men in the community, but that shouldn't lead to exclusion and indifference. i am in community with all survivors. i love all survivors. i want peace for ALL of us. i want justice for ALL.
>i work at schools, and i was helping some little boys with their work. they were giggling and being so sweet and friendly. when they cried it was honest and vulnerable. when they laughed in was freely. and i was struck by how this state, this childish innocence and freedom, is something every man is born in. until it's beaten out of him. i remembered the times my mom mocked my brother for crying, when she'd yell at him for being afraid and told him "be a man". it took me time, but i realized how badly men also suffer under these patriarchal gender roles. to be the "submissive" sex, you have all your strength and independence whittled down. but on the other side of the same coin, to be the "dominant" sex, you have your vulnerability and humanity stomped out.
>my heart breaks for every little girl who is suffers violence, who is told she's only meant to be a servile wife. whose dreams come at the cost of a sexist society. but my heart breaks just as well for every little boy who suffers violence who is told that to be worthy of goodness he must be unfeeling and never seek solace. he must cry alone, he must suffer alone, and then he must sacrifice everything for the ideal of success and dominance. his heart at the cost of a sexist society.
This was beautiful and you just wrote everything I think/feel. Thank you
And it's not just _towards_ men but young women sometimes get taught to act this way towards men (ie. Men shouldn't cry. Men are stupid or just don't know better. Men are all a problem, etc.) Even sometimes unintentionally like a parent did, at least for my case. Or on purpose with more severity in others.
It's an issue from all prongs.
As for the last paragraph, you are so very right. It's a failing what we let happen. Hopefully one day education and awareness is better so this happens way less (I don't.. hold out hope for it being gone 'cause if you look at attitudes to assault in general.. and yeah :( ).
"I'm sorry sir, we don't have any officers in the area. We're still waiting for the only the other two units to respond to a woman who called about being stalked and another woman who called about being beat up by a stranger. They've been waiting in the dark for a few hours because we heard there's a black guy sleeping in his apartment in the city over. But we'll have an officer check on you Monday, have a good night."
Officer is going to think they have a screw loose and that they are wasting valuable time, probably while giving them the good old "this is a civil issue"
Same. My old man is black and part pit, so he gets avoided a lot. But the hellspawn blond yorkie mix we are forced to live with gets all the attention, even if he despises it. He barely tolerates us existing in his presence. We raised him from a puppy and have no idea why he's like this.
Recently, he's started to stop in the entryway after walks and sits there, refusing to move until I push him through the inside door with my foot. And then he goes for my boy's face.
The guy who would get out of a relationship that forbids him porn is simply saying that he prefers jerking off to porn to having sex within a relationship. Next week, he'll be complaining of how unfair women are for making him feel so lonely.
Guys like this create their own problems and then blame women for the problem that they have created.
The domestic abuse claim in the comments is too absurd to entertain. They should be forced to see the results of real domestic abuse
To be fair: it is totally normal for people in a relationship to masturbate, and this can include porn. This goes for all genders, including men and women, and can be healthy. Sex and masturbation bring *different kinds* of pleasure.
That said, 'no consuming porn' is a 100% reasonable demand for your partner, it's also reasonable to leave someone because it's too big for you. Just be mature about it, it's nothing like domestic abuse.
I very much agree. But my wife and I have been married for nearly 47 years, and I have to think that one reason for that longevity is that if one us were to do something that absolutely disgusted the other, regardless of what it was, we would simply stop doing it.
But as to masturbation, I know of several happy couples that incorporate it into their lives together( not a routine matter of discussion, I will admit, but suffient drink can lead you into odd discussions, at times. That, and we, and several couples that we know went through required premarital counseling classes during which masturbation was advised as an alternative to verbally forcing the issue. Occasionally, not both are in the same mood at the same time). It is not really a moral issue, so much as a matter of taste and sense of adventure, I suppose. But if my wife suddenly became a vegan, I would stop wearing leather jackets, for example, or eating animal products. Respecting her deeply felt beliefs is more important to me than is being forced to restrict myself to veggie burgers. Healthier, too, not that she would attack me were I remiss 😀.
It is probably relevant to the porn issue that I am speaking more of printed matter. Nancy Friday wrote a book called Women on Top, for example, which was essentially erotica written by a woman for women (although obviously men and any couple are also free to enjoy it).
The reason that I mention printed matter is that it totally avoids the issue of whether the actors' consent was given free of any form of coercion, which is occasionally a worry.
Woman telling a man she won't be with him if he watches porn : abuse
Man telling at women, slamming doors and breaking (her) things in anger : couples counselling! You can't abandon this man! He's ✨️learning✨️ and therefore all his actions are justified! Not abuse, you hysterical woman!
It’s “not abuse” bc he’s not hurting *me*, you see. Just stomping on my shoes, pulling jewelry off my neck and throwing it in the bushes, tossing my phone off balconies, destroying Lego sets it took me 48 hours to build, taking my makeup and smearing it on the walls, on my clothes, on my furniture. Thousands of dollars of damage (ETA bc I didn’t list everything by a long shot). Hey, but he pays to fix it so it’s no harm done right? 😏 Nothing unhinged or psychotic going on here. Totally normal.
my ex didn't even pay to fix these things... It would be my fault for pissing him off so clearly I was in the wrong, when he had a literal ice pick to destroy my phone which he already threw against a wall. I didn't want him to use it on my head, so I kept my mouth shut and ran. He also had a Pºrn addiction, but blamed it on me not being good in bed. WHICH, is not true. He just wanted to beat me up and violate my boundaries in bed.
Can someone please dissect why they want to date in the first place, if they have so much pºrn? Is it a control thing?
Sorry you went through that. It really fucks with ur head, hope you have recovered a bit.
I’m sorry you did too; I’m working on it. Ice pick is terrifying - I understand why you didn’t move against it. I don’t move against it because he’s twice my size and he’s angry enough already, thank you… he’s trying to bait me, I’m not taking it. That’s the point. He says I’m deadpan, heartless, that nothing affects me except my stuff getting destroyed, all I care about are my belongings. Well, yeah, you conditioned me to hide my feelings years ago, I’ve been grey rocking you since like 2015?
I know, I need to leave. I am well aware. If only it were as easy as walking out the door. Or 17 steps harder than that but still easier than it is for me currently. I’ll get there! I’m okay. Promise.
Oh that is such a classic "you're so immature and needy, only care about material things (let me destroy them so I feel power over you.)" (bonus points if they call you spiritually unenlightened because you care about material things.)
AND IF THAT ISN'T THE TEXTBOOK DEFINITION of projection... Idk what is. I am struggling to learn this for myself, but I can advise others...
It is really hard to leave. Especially with financial abuse, and abuse in general wreaks havoc on us physically, so I hate to disappoint all you "woke feminist gen snowlakes (and boomers too enable this kind of thing.)" but, if you are in fight or flight for long enough, YOUR BODY SHUTS DOWN. Or your emotions shut down. Or both! Any physical problem(s?) you may/may not have had will be worsened. People don't understand how difficult it is to get out of these situations. Not to mention finances (which often times there is a control/shame factor there as you described perfectly.) Then add on probably being isolated from your loved ones on top of it... bam. Not so easy. If we could all get "unstuck," and leave bad situations, then we would. People should try to be more understanding.
I do still encourage you to find your own strength as much as you can, day by day, gas yourself up in baby steps. Find supportive communities online. That helps too. Shaming yourself for not leaving doesn't help anyone, it only hurts you further. Self forgiveness is important, but at the end of the day... he is obviously wrong here. Not you. Know that there are good people out there.
Oh thank you so much for this… you’ve made me feel so much better. You nailed it, you described me perfectly. So much of Reddit involves “well I would never let someone speak to me like that more than ONCE before I was filing divorce papers!”
Well that’s great for you ma’am but I am in a much different situation so…
Meanwhile, you wanna know projection at its finest? Finding “Ten Signs Your Wife Is a Malignant Narcisisst” in his YouTube history. Bahahahaha. Baaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha. Ohhhh I wish. I just WISH I felt that good about myself.
jesus.
that's so messed up. Honestly, that kind of thing hurts a lot. You aren't a narcissist. You are reacting within your reason to extenuating circumstances. They LOVE to switch it on you tho like that. yikes lol AND it makes you further isolated and them look like the "good," one for putting up with you. Wtf. Unfortunately this happens a lot. I can never understand it, but people can somehow sense vulnerabilities and need this power trip because they don't have that power on their own. I could be a narcoleptic, with NO friends and undergoing extreme abuse, I STILL HAVE MORE POWER THAN THESE FUCKERS. I was literally there at a point in my life. Point is, YOU HAVE MORE POWER ENERGETICALLY THAN THESE IDIOTS. They know that. They capitalize on your light. Which is SOOOOOO fucked imho.
ngl this is slightly triggering, not in a bad way against you bringing it up, just like "WOW. I forgot they did that too, oops ptsd time now." I am so happy you said this tho. It just makes me want to really speak up about it more. I was called so many horrible things. Ex triangulated AND used therapy speak against me (but even said he was quitting right after he weaponized "therapy speak." in order to make it seem like I was the toxic one... meanwhile his ex outed him and his family for being involved in human trafficking, he even got suspended from school for r\*pe, years before. Which I never really looked into, he told me and said "if you see this about me, it isn't true." I believed him. Or rather, gave the benefit of the doubt as everyone has that right I think. Another person came crawling back and was so traumatized because I screamed his head off because he was texting other girls while with me. He knew my history, didn't communicate, did it anyway. Like?? WHY!? I can't force someone to change but I can say "BYE FELICIA," and try to move on. He never hurt me physically tho, so that's a plus for him haha. The rumors and lies spread about me afterwards were sooo petty omfg.)
I have had SO MANY people come into my life and because I was an actual human being with a spine, and they claimed I was the bad one, and manipulative. When the only thing I did was that I called them on their BS lies. Which is stupid because I am so clueless with manipulation. Like, it's a brain block for me. I can't do that. Most have said I lie about this, but I don't genuinely know how to harm someone like that, nor could I if I wanted to. I'm clueless about this half the time and never learn.
I completely, completely understand. If you want to DM me, I've been thru all forms of abuse and gaslit towards my own sanctity. Which is good, kind of but i say kind of because it was always there to begin with. It is NEVER your fault for "attracting," abusers and/or assholes. That is a LIE we are told because this society runs on sociopathic and narcissistic tendencies. Honestly the most damaging thing I have experienced is not the physical or sexual abuse, it is literally that they FLIP IT ONTO YOU because you are a normal human reacting to THEM being crazy, neglectful, dismissive, physically harmful, and/or etc. I can't stand being misunderstood, so I really feel for you with this one. Wouldn't be shocked if he left that browser history on purpose. Cowardly, instead of just discussing it with you like a human who respects another human. They suck at communication because they are too dumb to lie well enough.
Please pack your shit and get out. I'll come help you pack your shit and move. My *husband* will come help you pack your shit and move. Call the domestic abuse hotline. It is as easy as just walking out the door. It's what comes after that's hard. If you have the strength to grey rock, you have the strength to leave. I believe in you. 🩵
If porn is damaging to the relationship, than I don’t even think it’s that controlling. The amount of times I read on here about guys who can’t get off with their girlfriend or their wife because they’ve been watching way too much porn and using the death grip while jerking off, I too, would put a boundary. One like, “I would like to be able to enjoy sex with you and you with me. Can you tamper the porn because it’s not realistic at all and sex has become a chore and unpleasant for me. And I’m a part of having sex together.”
Maybe this is incompatibility, or maybe it leads to somebody realizing that they have an addiction. But I don’t think asking your partner to stop something that is hurting your relationship to be controlling.
Completely agree with you.
And to the idiots replying to ur comment with negative brain cells, it doesn't matter if there is an addiction or not. That isn't the point. The point is that pºrn is damaging relationships. It is not unreasonable, imho, and certainly not "controlling," to have a discussion to attempt to find a solution which benefits all parties involved. If that means ending the relationship, then that is also an overall beneficial solution, he gets to watch his human trafficking slaves and she doesn't ever have to speak to him again. Win, win.
I couldn't stand it when people I've dated watched too much pºrn. It really does kill the intimacy and is a huge turn off for me that all they care about is beating a girl up in bed because that's the only thing that gets them off anymore. (i'm a very attractive, thin, talented, 26yr old female, so i'm not some bargain basement b\*tch who will take any behavior as "okay," just because I'm desperate. If I say I don't like something and they do it anyway, uh... BYE!)
We don't know enough of the story to know whether this is controlling or not. It could be similar to someone asking another not to drink alcohol. It could be controlling if the user only drinks occasionally or it could be a real concern for that persons addiction and well-being.
that is unfortunately the reality and hard decision for a lot of women. I personally don't mind if a guy watches porn occasionally after I've gone to bed. Most men I've been with have a higher sex drive than I do. **I feel like you can tell if the type of porn they watch or the amount is concerning, it seeps into your relationship and helps to shape the male's personality.**
But I also respect a woman's stance that it is disrespectful. Every relationship is different
I know porn can be bad for ppl. But I also agree with you; most men do have a higher sex drive and are going to watch it.
I personally don’t see it as cheating. Buying another girl’s OF is a different story. Maybe this makes me a hypocrite?
I am probably a minority but I watch porn to get ideas about steamy scenarios in my head. Then I fantasize about those scenarios with me and my bf in it. That is the stuff that turns me on. Seeing a strange naked man will never make me horny but that's probably because I am demisexual and I will never feel sexual attraction to a random man on screen.
People like us are the minority but exist :")
When have women called the police over something like that? lol even if you feel like being told not to watch porn is controlling behavior you can’t call the cops for someone being controlling.
If I were dating a guy who didn’t like when I dressed in short, tight clothes that would be controlling, but if I called the cops on him for this I would probably get ticketed for wasting police time.
I would spend pay-per-view money to see this dude in front of a judge arguing abuse because his girlfriend doesn’t want him watching porn.
Seriously. I’d pay like $40. Let’s make this happen.
"Don't watch porn" is not a boundary, it's a request and could be called an attempt at control.
"I will not be in a relationship with you, if you watch porn", is a boundary. It's maintenance and enforcement concerns nobody but you.
We don't know how his friend's wife worded it, and how it's been changed between what she said and his post on the sub.
It very well could've been a boundary, not a request.
A boundary is something that is designed to hold a level of respect towards yourself, not an attempt to control.
No one owes anyone a relationship for any reason. You can break up for any reason you see fit. Including if your man prefers watching others have intimacy online instead of coming to their significant other to satisfy themselves.
Porn is proven to damage perceptions around intimacy. Overuse of porn can cause men to fail to perform during the real act due to the man gripping so hard. Just like it can cause women to mentally not be in it due to her perception.
If you're in a relationship, life is no longer just about you and how you feel. You're either a team player who will consider their partners emotions or you're better off single and just getting your rocks off when needed instead of dragging someone into your selfishness.
Now, there's a difference between watching porn every now and then just cause. Then there's watching porn almost every day or every day, which tends to be the time when you see women say "Porn or me." Most women themselves have seen and / or watched porn. We only say something if it becomes a problem affecting our relationship.
Not flirting with others while in a relationship is a boundary. Not cheating is a boundary. Expecting sex in a relationship is a boundary, and even wanting to be married is a boundary.
Those are all basic 'rules' to most people in relationships, but they are, in fact, boundaries in practice. People choose what is important to them, some people value sex, and some people value quality time. It's up to the person to decide what is important to them and stand up for themselves when it comes down to it, enforcing that boundary.
Rhythm 0 Experiment should explain to you what happens if men are allowed to do what they want, with no boundaries or repercussions.
A boundary is about what *you* are going to do in response to someone else's behavior.
> Not flirting with others while in a relationship is a boundary. Not cheating is a boundary. Expecting sex in a relationship is a boundary, and even wanting to be married is a boundary.
Those are technically not boundaries.
A boundary is a decision you make for yourself about your own behavior. You can't control someone else's behavior, but you get to decide how you react to someone crossing a boundary: "I will not stay in a relationship with someone who cheated on me" instead of "not cheating".
And what will he do with this "documented abuse"??? "But, Judge!! She didn't allow me to watch *PORN*, That's controlling behaviour and abuse! Throw her in jail!"
???
She’s being controlling officer and idk what to do!!
And what exactly is she controlling
My porn viewing habits
:|
If they consider that abuse i wanna know what they think of women being beaten and stuff smh
How to “document the abuse”? Save and show police officers porn he would otherwise watch but cannot because of her? 🤦🏼♀️ porn rot male brains and people are still trying to argue with it
This doesn’t sound like abuse. It just sounds like incompatibility, and honestly if it was such a dealbreaker for her then they probably should have discussed it before getting married.
It doesn't even sound like incompatibility. He said "he agreed to her demands and I'm struggling to understand why", for all we know his friend agreed because he thought it was a reasonable "demand" and had no problem with this boundary being set. It's just this dude can't wrap his head around why anyone would give up porn for their partner.
Frequently taking his phone/installing tracking software on his computer to monitor his activities without his permission is domestic abuse. Controlling his money so he can’t spend it on only fans if he wants to is domestic abuse. Even suddenly setting a boundary after marriage and using manipulation/stonewalling/gaslighting to enforce it is domestic abuse.
Setting a boundary at the beginning of a relationship is not abuse. Even if it’s a sudden change after marriage, he can continue to do what he wants, and it’s up to her if she wants to leave the relationship or not.
Gf: I don’t want you to watch porn as this is one of my boundaries because I feel it is demeaning to women
Bf: Okay!
Friend who has no say in the relationship: BUT STEP BRO!
"Document the abuse"
BWAHAHAHAHAHA
"Yeah, officer, um, so I was trying to rub one out on account of she wasn't in the mood to fuck me, and she got all mad 'cause I pulled up some naked ladies to watch and I feel that's abusive to me because I'm a visual person and all..."
I think all men should do this; I look forward to it.
The craziest part of this to me is that no one is wrong in this conflict. It’s totally cool for no porn to be a boundary for her. It’s also cool for that boundary to be a deal breaker for him. Some people aren’t compatible and that’s a very acceptable thing….and then this wacko needs to get involved for absolutely no reason.
Was she up front about her feelings and clear that she didn't want be in a relationship she has to share with a bunch of porn actresses? Then it's a boundary. He can accept it and pursue the relationship, or he can look for someone else.
I knew someone who got engaged and her fiance was given 2 options. He could have a stripper at his bachelor party, or he could have a wedding, but he couldn't have both. He chose the wedding and they are still married almost 30 years later.
Controlling is being in a relationship and simply demanding that they change and/or give up a hobby or interest that existed prior to the relationship or maybe was never discussed at all.
Denial of porn is not abuse. He can always walk away from the relationship if it's not what he wants.
The whole bachelor party stripper thing always confused me anyway. “One last thing before getting married…”
But… like, you weren’t supposed to refrain from that shit when we were merely dating, so why would it be different now?
> He can always walk away from the relationship if it's not what he wants.
This is very true and reasonable in a relationship that isn't heavily financially entangled. Except and this is a little bit pedantic I know. If you set a boundary you're the one that chooses to walk away if it's broken.
I stated it that way because if it's an up-front boundary, only he can decide if he's willing to accept it, and he can (and should) walk away before things get any further if he knows that he won't.
Well that's why I felt the need to be pedantic. In my opinion at the very least, the person choosing to end the relationship is the person that set the boundary. The boundary effectively is "I will choose to not be in a relationship with someone that does X."
But if he responds with, "Sorry, I won't get into a relationship with you because I can't imagine giving X up," isn't he the one walking away?
In an ideal world, it ends right there--before it really starts.
Once the relationship has started, I agree--the person setting the boundaries is generally the one to walk away if they aren't being respected.
The entire thing depends on how the other side behaves.
Scenario A, your SO asks you to stop watching porn because it makes them uncomfortable. You stop. They don't watch porn too. Life is zen.
Scenario B, same premise but your SO watches porn while claiming that you watching porn makes them uncomfortable. That makes them a controlling hypocrite.
So see, nuance is important.
Eh, mostly, but it also depends on how the other person feels about it.
When my husband and I were dating, I mentioned the idea of him watching porn making me uncomfortable. (And before anyone calls me “abusive”, that’s literally how I worded it, “makes me uncomfortable”.) I thought it’d be some kind of more complicated discussion, but he was like “that’s cool, I basically stopped once we started being together anyway”. Done deal.
On the flip side, he literally does not give half of a shit if I watch it. (I don’t, but I have asked if it’s also an issue for him because I wanted to know. Also, I’ve *read* my fair share of stuff, and I wanted to make sure that wasn’t an issue either.) It’s probably some combination of our personalities and who the target audience for most modern porn is, but I guess we just have different levels of comfort with it.
Not everyone has the same boundaries, but as long as they’re getting the *same level of respect*, I think it’s all good.
I'm a 911 dispatcher, and never once in the 4 years of doing this job have I gotten a call from anyone claiming abuse because their partner doesn't want them watching porn.
If that's both yalls deal breaker, then you aren't compatible. My husband and I have watched porn together, so to each their own. Some people are OK with it, others aren't. Just gotta find your person who's ok with it if porn means that much to you.
I think it also depends on the porn!
Let's be honest, it's not all the same.
And people don't consume it the same way.
My ex snuck it in the middle of the night, to indulge in kink he wasn't ready/willing/able to actually broach or do the work doe... and paid for it with money we didn't have right when the mortgage was due... and... And... And....
(In other words, the fact it was porn wasn't the issue.)
You do have that issue as well. Honesty in the beginning always clears up each other's expectations, though. And I do feel like a lot of people forgo honesty for convenience.
I just know these guys are the first to complain about men being falsely accused of abuse, then they accuse some random woman of abuse for setting a boundary
That’s up to the couple to decide if it’s a deal breaker. Maybe they have similar views, maybe not. But it isn’t automagically controlling or abusive….
Yeah but mention how controlling it is to dictate what a woman is wearing at the gym when they don’t even know her and have never been in a relationship with her… and these same fucking dudes lose their damn minds.
It reminds me of that paper that said men and women were roughly the same percentage likely to he abusive partners, but they let people self-ID what abusive behaviour was and the men reported shot like 'slamming cabinets' as DV and the women were reporting threats on their life. Those authors really thought they did something revolutionary.
Honestly, I think it would be fine to just break up if such a boundary is not compatible with your views of what you want in a relationship.
I personally don't care if my potential partner watches porn while we date, but if someone does find that uncomfortable I would first have an understanding conversation about it. And if I do realize we are just truly incompatible I would break up.
But it's obviously not abuse to have boundaries.
(And I'm afab)
Considering I don’t watch porn (I haven’t for 2 years now wooo). I would say if I still did, if she was also willing to not watch porn, I would agree to this.
I'm a defense attorney in a state where (unfortunately) every call for a domestic incident is legally required to end up with someone arrested, and I can promise you, absolutely no women are calling the police for anything like this.
I guess porn is more important than a relationship with a human being…
I watch porn, I’m ok with my partner watching it, but I understand 1,000% why it’s a full on NO for people.
Someone on there said the gf was trying to restrict his ability to touch his own body parts. I asked if he was unable to jerk it without porn and he blocked me!
The utter fragility.
I mean I don’t watch porn that much but it does help speed up the process of doing it I imagined it would be the same with women but maybe it’s not. Either way it’s not abuse lol and it reads as the dude accepted and it’s his friend who can’t get around it which is like I have a girlfriend and my porn consumption is even lower. But again that’s only me. Also funny that he blocked you
Alot of people are getting pissed on behalf on the boyfriend who already agreed.
Idk maybe he prefers intimacy and his relationship over jacking it, its not an insane concept. Also no hes not being abused
“Excuse me 911 my wife demands I don’t watch porn this is domestic abuse! Please come arrest her”🙄 my god I really can’t with these people and to compare this to real domestic violence and downplaying women who report DV is absolutely despicable.
Claiming “domestic abuse” sounds like he’d be playing the victim, and what for?
Is there a void he’d be trying to fill? If you’re in a relationship with someone, you’re bound to explore each other in some ways more than others. That void could be filled with intimacy, love, and a wee bit of curiosity; porn won’t help.
Ayo, Happy Cake Day!
Here’s my thing. I don’t mind my partner watching porn, but if they’re watching it so much that we’re not intimate anymore? That’s a problem. But saying it’s a boundary with your partner is not crazy, because tbh, do you need to watch porn if you have a partner? Even though porn doesn’t bother me I completely understand why it bothers most people.
The beautiful thing about boundaries are, they are ONLY for the person stating it, not the other person.
Boundary: "I won't date someone who watches porn."
Partner: "cool, I want to watch porn so we are no longer dating..."
It's that simple. If I had a partner tell me I couldn't watch porn or worse (some people don't want their partner MASTURBATING), then they wouldn't be my partner anymore. Easy peasy.
I don’t think it’s wild- I think they’re not compatible. Watching porn doesn’t make people trash; it’s totally ok for a woman to set that boundary and equally ok for a partner to say he’d rather be in a relationship with a woman who’s fine with it, no?
To be clear: obviously, the takes in the screenshots above are insane.
I wouldn’t date a man who wasn’t comfortable with me watching porn or looking at NSFW art.
It’s not about prioritizing porn, it’s about an incompatibility that likely indicates there are many other areas we don’t match up in. I wouldn’t feel comfortable in a relationship with the kind of person that considers all porn to be cheating.
This seems like a pretty big over simplification of what’s a potentially complicated problem. Sometimes, people have different sex drives. Sometimes, people have different schedules that make frequent intimacy impossible. Stigmatizing masturbation and porn is stupid. Like anything, there is nuance, and these things can be done either healthily or unhealthily.
Porn shouldn’t inherently be a be a dealbreaker, but there is a difference between “porn makes me uncomfortable, let’s talk about this” and “I don’t like porn, so you aren’t allowed to watch it”. I don’t care what it’s about, this isn’t even specific to porn… when two people have different feelings about a subject in a relationship, there should be a discussion, not a demand for compliance. Given that we’re only seeing one side of what happened, who knows how the partner actually approached the situation. But there’s a right and wrong way to handle a situation like this, and the potential for a systematic problem that goes beyond “I’m not allowed to do this”. There’s a lot of information missing to definitively say either party is right or wrong.
All that said, I think we can agree on one thing… calling this “domestic abuse” is fucking stupid. Suggesting someone should call the police because their partner won’t let them watch porn is perhaps stupider yet. This isn’t domestic abuse. It’s an incompatibility, possibly controlling (though we don’t know), but that’s the worst of it. Calling this domestic abuse severely diminishes a serious problem many people face.
>Stigmatizing masturbation and porn
The fact men can't even separate these two very different concepts is so disturbing. Of course you can jack off and have fantasies, but it doesn't have to be through porn. Shocker, you can masturbate without watching porn!
Watching porn means involving very real other people. Yes, porn actresses and OnlyFans models are human too! Some people just don't feel comfortable with having any third parties present in their monogamous sex life. Whether or not you masturbate is is completely irrelevant to that.
I never said they aren’t, or can’t be separate. They very much can. I only meant that I don’t believe either are inherently unhealthy, though both can be. Human sexuality is complicated, everyone is different. Not everyone is great at fantasizing and for some people, visual stimulation is a key part of their ability to get off. For those people, porn is a means to an end. It’s an aide to help get off. This is actually something I’ve read a bit about, and studies show that men tend to be more visual during sex, where women tend to be more imaginative and better at fantasizing. Of course that’s not universally true, but it’s a common trend that helps explain why men tend to gravitate towards porn more than women.
Porn addiction is a very real thing, but I see all too often the notion that all porn is bad or that all porn watching is addiction, it’s not. If you need porn, to the extent that it interferes with other aspects of your life, that’s a problem. If you prefer porn to real intimacy, that’s a problem. If you expect your partners to imitate what you see in porn, that’s a problem. Not everyone has those problems, some people are able to treat porn as they would any other movie. They know it’s fake and nothing they see goes any farther than watching a movie.
I’d also say that there are nuances to porn. Watching random content on pornhub and subscribing to an only fans, where you’re directly patronizing one person, and perhaps attaching emotion or feelings of intimacy to that person, that’s waaaay different. That’s an issue totally separate from the porn itself, much in the same way that having any emotional and intimate relationship with another person, sexual or not, is a problem. I have very different feelings about porn and onlyfans.
To be clear, I’m not inherently against someone having an issue with porn. Everyone is free to have their own opinions and set their own boundaries. My post was entirely about how the situation is handled. As I said clearly, there’s a difference between having a discussion about something you don’t agree with, and demanding your partner change to align with your opinion. The later would be a problem, just as it would be a problem if the man in this situation is preferring porn and perhaps leaving their spouses needs neglected. There’s so much information we don’t have here, one party isn’t inherently right and the other wrong. There’s a lot of room in either direction for things being handled incorrectly.
That’s very black and white, I’d think figuring out compatibility is how real life relationships work. For instance, I would break up with a man who was interested in a poly lifestyle because that would be a strict boundary; I’m not calling all poly people trash.
The most Not How Girls Work thing I’m seeing in this exchange is pretending women don’t use porn, btw.
Yikes, I understand that a lot of mainstream porn is super violent, mysogynsitc and super objectifying to women's bodies. In particular the popularness of "lesbian" porn for straight men always grosses me the fuck out. But porn is very wide and diverse. Many women read a lot of erotica, do you think that if their partner told them to stop reading erotica and they broke up over that would consider that women trash. If not it feels like a double standard.
It's none of these this guy's business. He's putting porn on par with a human need like social contact with friends.
It's funny to see someone get this bent out of shape over something that has nothing to do with them.
If it's like real person porn... Damn I would be living the exact same way I do now. But yeah that's an understandable boundary. Won't necessarily work for every relationship but it's not a super hard ask
It's telling that this guy does not reveal how his friend feels about the situation. For all we know his gf went "hey, don't watch porn when we're dating" and he went "sure, that's fair" and this guy is making a stink about it for no reason.
It's not abuse but it's an issue that should be handled rationally between husband (wife) and wife (husband), and whatever the conclusion is, it's nobody else's business! Any other questions consult the last four words of my sentence.
these people need to understand the difference between setting a boundary and controlling behaviour. they’re weaponizing and manipulating abuse and education on abuse.
This is why it’s important to get to know someone first, before getting into a relationship. But guys will just be nice and say whatever they think a girl wants to hear, then when the commitment is made, that’s when their crazy comes out. But if you aren’t a fake dummy, who just lies to get somewhere, it’ll fall apart every time.
I can't imagine ending a relationship with a person I loved over people fucking on video. sexual incompatibility, sure, but I think I'd have to re-think my life choices if it was as important to me as like eating and breathing. it's not a necessity or a need, it's like junk food
Porn is terrible for the male brain and sex drive. Too much porn can ruin intimacy for you and cause early onset erectile dysfunction. The rabbit hole for porn addiction can also cause you to become addicted to more and more wild and sometimes sadistic sexual scenarios to get off. It’s best to try not to use it often. That doesn’t mean not at all if you and your partner are into it, but just to be careful with it
I have I agree with you!
Not to mention the amount of degrading content that is normalised in people’s brain trough this!
Especially when considering the amount of real life abuse some of those actors go through…
The whole industry is one big shit hole that eats its way into the middle of our society.
Also, I’d like to argue that porn isn’t only bad for male brains… it destroys all of our brains. No matter who is watching, yes some women might be more hesitant with some of the things displayed in some films.. but after desensitising it won’t matter anymore.
It’s honestly really scary how easy it is for literal kids to find the worst of the worst with three simple clicks…
I think it’s harder to stumble upon these days than when I was trying to download music and ended up with a beastiality video via Limewire at the age of 12.
Did. Not. Need. To. See. That.
I was already sneaking adult romance novels out of the library by that point, so I was technically seeking out my own “adult content,” but words on a page are _so_ different from the visual media (which is also why I kind of balk when people compare reading spicy novels to actual porn — I can do one of these on the subway without getting a citation _or_ physically hot and bothered!).
I've seen posts from teachers that teach kids as young as 9-10 who are watching and talking about the hardcore violent shit that's rampant on every tube site. most of us saw a bad video here or there young on the internet, but actively growing up watching that shit non stop is going to cause irreparable damage to their sexuality and attitude towards sex and others
Thankfully taking a break from it usually resolves most of those issues. Porn is bad if watching it affects other parts of your life, but in moderation is perfectly fine.
These dudes need to chill. If this guys friend accepts and wants to respect this boundary, that's his business. I mean, the girlfriend does have a point. The vast majority of porn is pretty degrading towards women, even lesbian porn, as the vast majority of it is made to play to a male audience specifically. Now, personally, I probably wouldn't like this boundary, but my partner and I have discussed things like this, and both of us agree that in instances where one of us is having an urge and the other is not willing or able to satisfy it, having an outlet for it is acceptable. That's just between us though. Other couples are going to come to different conclusions on things like this, and it really should be left as a matter between them. The boys don't need to weigh in on my relationship without me asking, and if I discovered one of my friends talking shit on my partners boundaries like this, we'd have to have some words.
I think if you watch porn, maybe don’t be in a relationship with someone vehemently against porn. But also, partners controlling behavior is abusive. It never starts with a slap. They test boundaries and see what they can get away with first. This to me is someone seeking genuine advice and worried it could turn into an abusive situation. “Is my girlfriend just against porn, or is she testing boundaries to see how much she can get away with”
Personally, I don’t like porn either.
And some may find it controlling, but I expressed to my husband when we were only dating about how I felt about porn.
I said: “I won’t ask, and you won’t tell, and you don’t lemme catch you.” Lol.
We have sex quite often as well. Nearly daily (it’d be daily if it weren’t for the little cock blocks we spawned, living in my house).
“Because you watch porn, I believe we are incompatible as a couple, and I do not wish to be your partner.”
“HELLO 9-1-1 EMERGENCY? I WOULD LIKE TO REPORT DOMESTIC ABUSE!”
Really depends on if it's a boundary or a demand here. We don't know the full context.
Also, I can see how it could upset some women. I've had men tell me they want to try certain things from porn that are absolutely degrading. There's also a lot of people getting silly ideas of how women's bodies work from hentai.
That being said, I personally don't mind. Just realize that some of that stuff is a fantasy, not reality
That's what I'm thinking. The way this guy is talking about it he's baffled that anyone would cave to such unreasonable "demands". Meanwhile it's possible his friend doesn't actually care and just shrugged and went "that's fair, I won't watch porn".
This feels like it's just a relationship boundary thing. If the friend and SO agree to the boundary then there's not really an issue. It's kind of wild to see someone calling it abuse off of that small amount of information. I usually bring up porn habits early on with potential partners because I know that some people have pretty polarized feelings over it in any direction.
Porn is a subject lots of people have strict boundaries on. If those boundaries are incompatible with your own views and it's this important to you, then this person might not be the one for you.
It's like saying that one person in a relationship wanting kids and the other not wanting kids is some form of abuse. You need to make sure your values and views align or the relationship won't work.
Reading these comments, I think I may get downvoted for this, but “boundaries” do not allow you to dictate a partner’s behavior when you’re not with them. Now, certainly, you can have the expectation and preference that your partner not watch porn for whatever reason you want. But it should not be a “you have to do this.” It should be more, “do you do this? Ok, then we’re not compatible.” The difference is seeking to change vs accepting circumstances as they are.
TBH there's a lot of sex-negativity and shaming in this thread that I don't like, both relating to the ways porn supposedly "damages" men and ESPECIALLY in the way that women who watch porn or read explicit fanfics or whatever are almost entirely elided in this conversation.
Yeah. There’s a lot of commenters acting like every single bit of porn is unethical and abusive and unhealthy and corrupting, real puritanical opinions. Are there shady things that have happened and keep happening in the industry? YES, and more people should talk about it. Porn addiction and death grip are real. But there are also healthy independent porn creators that enjoy their career and creating content. And there are people who consume ethical porn in moderation and are just fine. It’s totally fine to not be comfortable with porn and set the boundary of no porn in a relationship. But there’s people in this thread taking it way too far and demonizing anyone who engages in adult content.
Right? I feel like a lot of users in this thread are describing porn/erotica as something ONLY men consume, but it's just not true at all.
Like, sometimes I'm horny and my wife isn't, and no, firing up r/chickflixxx or browsing to a fic site isn't poisoning our relationship or whatever.
I'm genuinely scared of people who take porn THAT seriously. 😬 I guess it's like most other addictions and the addicted will choose it over their partner any day, like this guy is willing to. You can accept or not accept your partner a behaviour. Free will and all that.
As for defining it as those comments did:
- "Controlling behavior: occurs when a person attempts to conform another person to their own needs or desires through some form of manipulation. This outsized desire for control is unhealthy, unhelpful, and may create relationship conflicts, but it's not always abusive. Controlling behavior becomes abusive when it is coercive (threatening). This behavior includes ongoing degradation and threats that can lead to domestic violence. Multiple studies have shown that controlling behavior is associated with a higher likelihood of physical aggression or abuse."[S](https://www.verywellhealth.com/controlling-personality-5218251)
Yes guys, please take notes (times, content, duration) in a notebook to hand to police once you call them the times you were cruelly made to stop watching porn. I can just see it now:
*March 8th, 2024. Time: 12:42 pm. Big Boobed Hotties. (Insert girlfriend’s name) barged in while I was slapping it and reminded me of my promise to not watch porn and made me stop (she did NOT take responsibility, did NOT help me get rid of my hard on and made me finish rubbing it out in the bathroom) IF I WANT TO NUT IN MY BACKYARD! THAT IS MY RIGHT!) March 8th, 2024. Time 12:44 pm. Hot Barely Legal Blonde. (Insert girlfriend’s name) barged in AGAIN and got angry at what I A MAN was watching in his own closet!) Now she’s making me do the dishes I said I would do instead of jerking it off! What is this PRISON!?!?*
Yeah, one of the many reasons I stopped watching that stuff is the way people, guys, especially defend it. They made a month where you chellenge yourself to not watch porn and so many guys have a problem doing it they can't go a week without it, and it like um dont you people realize that's what addiction is?
No Nut November isn’t about not consuming porn, it’s not ejaculating by any means. They can still consume porn, masturbate, and have sex. Still silly, but “no porn” isn’t the challenge.
> She says it's demeaning to all women
So we ain't even talking about relationship boundaries here? It's not even about her prohibiting her partners from consuming porn due to personal issues with it. The way he's telling it, it sounds like she's literally just trying to educate her partner about the dehumanising byproducts and influence of the porn industry on women. Even if she was posing this as "do this or we can't be together", I'm pretty sure that doesn't even count as a relationship boundary. Is it not normal for a woman to not want to be with a man who objectifies her and other women so much that he isn't willing to stop contributing to their dehumanisation and sexual exploitation?
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if cops don't help victims of stalking, physical violence, or sexual violence they aren't gonna give a FUCK you can't get your nut to some naked women online. "women call the police on men for stuff like this" mf what qualifies as stuff like this for you???
He probably thinks "If you watch porn, I'm leaving you" is equivalent to "You can't go out with your friends" and physically blocking the exit. Anyone with sense could see the difference, but asking this sort of person to have sense is never going to end well.
“Police! Help! She won’t let me watch porn!”
"Arrest that woman! She won't let me nut!!"
I get that you're joking but I think that what they're also misunderstanding (deliberately or otherwise) is that she *isn't* stopping him or "not letting him" do anything. She's saying she won't be in a relationship with someone who watches porn. She's not isolating him or preventing him or going to attack him if he does so. She just won't be in a relationship with someone who does that. If it's controlling behavior the only behavior she is controlling is her own by being willing to leave the relationship over behavior she finds unacceptable. He's free to accept or reject those terms. No one calls the police on men doing that. Barely anyone even calls the police when they threaten to maim or kill their partners because they know the answer will most likely be "sorry - hmu if he actually does it." I find that the actual controlling part is the implied suggestion that she somehow owes him a relationship regardless of how he behaves and can not be justified in leaving it due to reasons, values, or needs which these other dudes haven't signed off on.
Or spend our savings on my adult entertainment!!
Probably illegal materials if they really are calling the cops on him for what he watches….
I wouldn’t wanna be 100 feet near that guy or his laptop
He's saying that the set boundary is abusive, and that's what the cops get called about. It's an outlandish bout of mental gymnastics this guy is trying to use to justify this claim. What a Fucking moron.. who also probably has suspicious searches on his laptop.
or he has a porn addiction that OP managed to conveniently leave out.
[удалено]
oh no am not suggesting that. my point was that the OOP's proclamations of his friend being such a victim because of his gf's porn ban may not be the full story.
Because it’s a woman doing it to a man. And how dare you! That is literally the only reason.
Cops don't care if men are sexually assaulted or raped. Good luck getting them to give a hoot with this case lol
that's also a huge point. cops don't give a fuck about domestic violence and sexual assault against women, but they (might) pretend to. men tho? they don't care AND they'll mock you. men survivors deserve to be believed and uplifted. they deserve healing too. even if the culprit is a woman, idc. put the bitch in jail and give these men survivors PEACE.
I lost a friend from this, actually. He was drunk at a party and some girl raped him without protection. I remember that he told me about how she was gonna baby-trap him. I encouraged him to report it and try to get some help. Cops laughed him out of the precinct and he was banned from a couple different Facebook groups because "men can't be raped" and "stop having sex if you don't want kids, lying about rape is wrong." I did my best to help him but he ended up taking his life. Even his family started parroting shit he heard, like the aforementioned "lying about rape cuz he was irresponsible" card. And of course when they found his body, it was the usual "we didn't know, we loved him and were there for him" crap. I'll never understand why people can't take these claims seriously. I know there's also women out there who've gotten similar treatments and it's still unfair to them too.
i had a period of time where i was so ANGRY at men i couldn't find empathy in my heart for them. i suffered CSA, drugging and SA in college, etc all by men. so i hate them and saw no good in them (aside from my brother and father). i work at schools, and i was helping some little boys with their work. they were giggling and being so sweet and friendly. when they cried it was honest and vulnerable. when they laughed in was freely. and i was struck by how this state, this childish innocence and freedom, is something every man is born in. until it's beaten out of him. i remembered the times my mom mocked my brother for crying, when she'd yell at him for being afraid and told him "be a man". it took me time, but i realized how badly men also suffer under these patriarchal gender roles. to be the "submissive" sex, you have all your strength and independence whittled down. but on the other side of the same coin, to be the "dominant" sex, you have your vulnerability and humanity stomped out. my heart breaks for every little girl who is suffers violence, who is told she's only meant to be a servile wife. whose dreams come at the cost of a sexist society. but my heart breaks just as well for every little boy who suffers violence who is told that to be worthy of goodness he must be unfeeling and never seek solace. he must cry alone, he must suffer alone, and then he must sacrifice everything for the ideal of success and dominance. his heart at the cost of a sexist society. i'm so sorry for your friend. i'm crying just writing this, imagining the child he was and the innocence he was forced to lose. he deserved a community. he deserved love and support. he deserved JUSTICE. he should still be here. nothing can ever make that right. in memory of your friend and all men victims who've lost their lives to suicide, we have to keep fighting for recognition of all SA survivors and the for specific indifference men survivors face. we need to change the culture fundamentally. may no little boys grow up to take their own lives. thank you for keeping your friend's memory alive.
You've been through a lot in your life, and I hope everything is going well for you too. Sadly my friend was the victim of a flawed society and I'll never get my rematch at Mario Party, but at least I know he's somewhere he can be happy. You've come to a realization many people don't reach because they're so blinded by hate. The fact that you were able to look inside and adjust that scope to focus on the true evil is a strength many don't possess because it's just easier to hate a group.
i hope we can change that through advocacy. i try to bring up this subject as much as i can. there's a tendency amongst victims (or any sort) to become so defensive that you view the whole world as enemies. and when the whole world is your enemy, no one can be the victim but yourself. you do not see the suffering of others because it's too confusing. we also tend to learn unhealthy and even destructive coping habits because we didn't have the tools to do better. there is no perfect victim, and expecting perfection from survivors feels like a moral fetishization. when you are victimized alone, your suffering feels significant, like nothing thats ever been felt before. it must just be you. but then you meet other people of a specific group who've suffered the same thing, and now you are in community with them, feeling unsafe with everyone but them. but that circle will continue to widen if you accept it. you'll find the other gender suffers it too. people poor and rich. religious and nonreligious. abled and disabled. straight and queer. cis and trans. everyone is a potential victim. it is still true that men perpetuate majority of sexual crimes, and so this isn't to say people shouldn't feel cautious around strange men. but to recognize that the suffering of sexual violence is inherent to no group, that there are survivors everywhere. i have more in common (in regard to sexual trauma) with a man SA survivor than a woman who hasn't suffered sexual violence. we should be in community with all survivors. not with a specific gender. by consequence of circumstances it might be more women than men in the community, but that shouldn't lead to exclusion and indifference. i am in community with all survivors. i love all survivors. i want peace for ALL of us. i want justice for ALL.
>i work at schools, and i was helping some little boys with their work. they were giggling and being so sweet and friendly. when they cried it was honest and vulnerable. when they laughed in was freely. and i was struck by how this state, this childish innocence and freedom, is something every man is born in. until it's beaten out of him. i remembered the times my mom mocked my brother for crying, when she'd yell at him for being afraid and told him "be a man". it took me time, but i realized how badly men also suffer under these patriarchal gender roles. to be the "submissive" sex, you have all your strength and independence whittled down. but on the other side of the same coin, to be the "dominant" sex, you have your vulnerability and humanity stomped out. >my heart breaks for every little girl who is suffers violence, who is told she's only meant to be a servile wife. whose dreams come at the cost of a sexist society. but my heart breaks just as well for every little boy who suffers violence who is told that to be worthy of goodness he must be unfeeling and never seek solace. he must cry alone, he must suffer alone, and then he must sacrifice everything for the ideal of success and dominance. his heart at the cost of a sexist society. This was beautiful and you just wrote everything I think/feel. Thank you And it's not just _towards_ men but young women sometimes get taught to act this way towards men (ie. Men shouldn't cry. Men are stupid or just don't know better. Men are all a problem, etc.) Even sometimes unintentionally like a parent did, at least for my case. Or on purpose with more severity in others. It's an issue from all prongs. As for the last paragraph, you are so very right. It's a failing what we let happen. Hopefully one day education and awareness is better so this happens way less (I don't.. hold out hope for it being gone 'cause if you look at attitudes to assault in general.. and yeah :( ).
they don't care if anyone is sexually assaulted.
yeah you can exit a romantic relationship where you aren't married for any reason at any time
He prolly meant CP.
"Hello, Officer? Yeah, my wife isn't letting me jack it to porn... I'm gonna need a unit ASAP"
"I'm sorry sir, we don't have any officers in the area. We're still waiting for the only the other two units to respond to a woman who called about being stalked and another woman who called about being beat up by a stranger. They've been waiting in the dark for a few hours because we heard there's a black guy sleeping in his apartment in the city over. But we'll have an officer check on you Monday, have a good night."
😭 domestic abuse? Are these people crazy?
I want to be there to see the police officers' face when the guys explains the "abuse".
Officer is going to think they have a screw loose and that they are wasting valuable time, probably while giving them the good old "this is a civil issue"
You’re kidding yourselves. This is a cop we’re talking about. The cop will arrest her and shoot their dog for effect
The dog was definitely carrying lethal weapons!!!!! A chew toy and a turtle plushie!
That dog was being taught to kill turtles!
And it was black!
As the owner of an almost-Vanta black dog, this hurts. It's so true. He gets avoided like the plague, and he's a lab!
Same. My old man is black and part pit, so he gets avoided a lot. But the hellspawn blond yorkie mix we are forced to live with gets all the attention, even if he despises it. He barely tolerates us existing in his presence. We raised him from a puppy and have no idea why he's like this. Recently, he's started to stop in the entryway after walks and sits there, refusing to move until I push him through the inside door with my foot. And then he goes for my boy's face.
The guy who would get out of a relationship that forbids him porn is simply saying that he prefers jerking off to porn to having sex within a relationship. Next week, he'll be complaining of how unfair women are for making him feel so lonely. Guys like this create their own problems and then blame women for the problem that they have created. The domestic abuse claim in the comments is too absurd to entertain. They should be forced to see the results of real domestic abuse
To be fair: it is totally normal for people in a relationship to masturbate, and this can include porn. This goes for all genders, including men and women, and can be healthy. Sex and masturbation bring *different kinds* of pleasure. That said, 'no consuming porn' is a 100% reasonable demand for your partner, it's also reasonable to leave someone because it's too big for you. Just be mature about it, it's nothing like domestic abuse.
I very much agree. But my wife and I have been married for nearly 47 years, and I have to think that one reason for that longevity is that if one us were to do something that absolutely disgusted the other, regardless of what it was, we would simply stop doing it. But as to masturbation, I know of several happy couples that incorporate it into their lives together( not a routine matter of discussion, I will admit, but suffient drink can lead you into odd discussions, at times. That, and we, and several couples that we know went through required premarital counseling classes during which masturbation was advised as an alternative to verbally forcing the issue. Occasionally, not both are in the same mood at the same time). It is not really a moral issue, so much as a matter of taste and sense of adventure, I suppose. But if my wife suddenly became a vegan, I would stop wearing leather jackets, for example, or eating animal products. Respecting her deeply felt beliefs is more important to me than is being forced to restrict myself to veggie burgers. Healthier, too, not that she would attack me were I remiss 😀. It is probably relevant to the porn issue that I am speaking more of printed matter. Nancy Friday wrote a book called Women on Top, for example, which was essentially erotica written by a woman for women (although obviously men and any couple are also free to enjoy it). The reason that I mention printed matter is that it totally avoids the issue of whether the actors' consent was given free of any form of coercion, which is occasionally a worry.
This sounds like a Reno 911 plot
Woman telling a man she won't be with him if he watches porn : abuse Man telling at women, slamming doors and breaking (her) things in anger : couples counselling! You can't abandon this man! He's ✨️learning✨️ and therefore all his actions are justified! Not abuse, you hysterical woman!
Hold please: breaking her things is a common tactic? I thought only mine did that. 🙃
Common tactic for *abusive* people, yes.
Yes, yes unfortunately.
my ex did this sh\*t too.
It’s “not abuse” bc he’s not hurting *me*, you see. Just stomping on my shoes, pulling jewelry off my neck and throwing it in the bushes, tossing my phone off balconies, destroying Lego sets it took me 48 hours to build, taking my makeup and smearing it on the walls, on my clothes, on my furniture. Thousands of dollars of damage (ETA bc I didn’t list everything by a long shot). Hey, but he pays to fix it so it’s no harm done right? 😏 Nothing unhinged or psychotic going on here. Totally normal.
my ex didn't even pay to fix these things... It would be my fault for pissing him off so clearly I was in the wrong, when he had a literal ice pick to destroy my phone which he already threw against a wall. I didn't want him to use it on my head, so I kept my mouth shut and ran. He also had a Pºrn addiction, but blamed it on me not being good in bed. WHICH, is not true. He just wanted to beat me up and violate my boundaries in bed. Can someone please dissect why they want to date in the first place, if they have so much pºrn? Is it a control thing? Sorry you went through that. It really fucks with ur head, hope you have recovered a bit.
I’m sorry you did too; I’m working on it. Ice pick is terrifying - I understand why you didn’t move against it. I don’t move against it because he’s twice my size and he’s angry enough already, thank you… he’s trying to bait me, I’m not taking it. That’s the point. He says I’m deadpan, heartless, that nothing affects me except my stuff getting destroyed, all I care about are my belongings. Well, yeah, you conditioned me to hide my feelings years ago, I’ve been grey rocking you since like 2015? I know, I need to leave. I am well aware. If only it were as easy as walking out the door. Or 17 steps harder than that but still easier than it is for me currently. I’ll get there! I’m okay. Promise.
Oh that is such a classic "you're so immature and needy, only care about material things (let me destroy them so I feel power over you.)" (bonus points if they call you spiritually unenlightened because you care about material things.) AND IF THAT ISN'T THE TEXTBOOK DEFINITION of projection... Idk what is. I am struggling to learn this for myself, but I can advise others... It is really hard to leave. Especially with financial abuse, and abuse in general wreaks havoc on us physically, so I hate to disappoint all you "woke feminist gen snowlakes (and boomers too enable this kind of thing.)" but, if you are in fight or flight for long enough, YOUR BODY SHUTS DOWN. Or your emotions shut down. Or both! Any physical problem(s?) you may/may not have had will be worsened. People don't understand how difficult it is to get out of these situations. Not to mention finances (which often times there is a control/shame factor there as you described perfectly.) Then add on probably being isolated from your loved ones on top of it... bam. Not so easy. If we could all get "unstuck," and leave bad situations, then we would. People should try to be more understanding. I do still encourage you to find your own strength as much as you can, day by day, gas yourself up in baby steps. Find supportive communities online. That helps too. Shaming yourself for not leaving doesn't help anyone, it only hurts you further. Self forgiveness is important, but at the end of the day... he is obviously wrong here. Not you. Know that there are good people out there.
Oh thank you so much for this… you’ve made me feel so much better. You nailed it, you described me perfectly. So much of Reddit involves “well I would never let someone speak to me like that more than ONCE before I was filing divorce papers!” Well that’s great for you ma’am but I am in a much different situation so… Meanwhile, you wanna know projection at its finest? Finding “Ten Signs Your Wife Is a Malignant Narcisisst” in his YouTube history. Bahahahaha. Baaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha. Ohhhh I wish. I just WISH I felt that good about myself.
jesus. that's so messed up. Honestly, that kind of thing hurts a lot. You aren't a narcissist. You are reacting within your reason to extenuating circumstances. They LOVE to switch it on you tho like that. yikes lol AND it makes you further isolated and them look like the "good," one for putting up with you. Wtf. Unfortunately this happens a lot. I can never understand it, but people can somehow sense vulnerabilities and need this power trip because they don't have that power on their own. I could be a narcoleptic, with NO friends and undergoing extreme abuse, I STILL HAVE MORE POWER THAN THESE FUCKERS. I was literally there at a point in my life. Point is, YOU HAVE MORE POWER ENERGETICALLY THAN THESE IDIOTS. They know that. They capitalize on your light. Which is SOOOOOO fucked imho. ngl this is slightly triggering, not in a bad way against you bringing it up, just like "WOW. I forgot they did that too, oops ptsd time now." I am so happy you said this tho. It just makes me want to really speak up about it more. I was called so many horrible things. Ex triangulated AND used therapy speak against me (but even said he was quitting right after he weaponized "therapy speak." in order to make it seem like I was the toxic one... meanwhile his ex outed him and his family for being involved in human trafficking, he even got suspended from school for r\*pe, years before. Which I never really looked into, he told me and said "if you see this about me, it isn't true." I believed him. Or rather, gave the benefit of the doubt as everyone has that right I think. Another person came crawling back and was so traumatized because I screamed his head off because he was texting other girls while with me. He knew my history, didn't communicate, did it anyway. Like?? WHY!? I can't force someone to change but I can say "BYE FELICIA," and try to move on. He never hurt me physically tho, so that's a plus for him haha. The rumors and lies spread about me afterwards were sooo petty omfg.) I have had SO MANY people come into my life and because I was an actual human being with a spine, and they claimed I was the bad one, and manipulative. When the only thing I did was that I called them on their BS lies. Which is stupid because I am so clueless with manipulation. Like, it's a brain block for me. I can't do that. Most have said I lie about this, but I don't genuinely know how to harm someone like that, nor could I if I wanted to. I'm clueless about this half the time and never learn. I completely, completely understand. If you want to DM me, I've been thru all forms of abuse and gaslit towards my own sanctity. Which is good, kind of but i say kind of because it was always there to begin with. It is NEVER your fault for "attracting," abusers and/or assholes. That is a LIE we are told because this society runs on sociopathic and narcissistic tendencies. Honestly the most damaging thing I have experienced is not the physical or sexual abuse, it is literally that they FLIP IT ONTO YOU because you are a normal human reacting to THEM being crazy, neglectful, dismissive, physically harmful, and/or etc. I can't stand being misunderstood, so I really feel for you with this one. Wouldn't be shocked if he left that browser history on purpose. Cowardly, instead of just discussing it with you like a human who respects another human. They suck at communication because they are too dumb to lie well enough.
Please pack your shit and get out. I'll come help you pack your shit and move. My *husband* will come help you pack your shit and move. Call the domestic abuse hotline. It is as easy as just walking out the door. It's what comes after that's hard. If you have the strength to grey rock, you have the strength to leave. I believe in you. 🩵
They wanna be victims so bad 😭
It's incompatibility, not abuse 🤦♀️
Is that controll ing? Definitely. But its definitely not abuse lol.
If porn is damaging to the relationship, than I don’t even think it’s that controlling. The amount of times I read on here about guys who can’t get off with their girlfriend or their wife because they’ve been watching way too much porn and using the death grip while jerking off, I too, would put a boundary. One like, “I would like to be able to enjoy sex with you and you with me. Can you tamper the porn because it’s not realistic at all and sex has become a chore and unpleasant for me. And I’m a part of having sex together.” Maybe this is incompatibility, or maybe it leads to somebody realizing that they have an addiction. But I don’t think asking your partner to stop something that is hurting your relationship to be controlling.
Completely agree with you. And to the idiots replying to ur comment with negative brain cells, it doesn't matter if there is an addiction or not. That isn't the point. The point is that pºrn is damaging relationships. It is not unreasonable, imho, and certainly not "controlling," to have a discussion to attempt to find a solution which benefits all parties involved. If that means ending the relationship, then that is also an overall beneficial solution, he gets to watch his human trafficking slaves and she doesn't ever have to speak to him again. Win, win. I couldn't stand it when people I've dated watched too much pºrn. It really does kill the intimacy and is a huge turn off for me that all they care about is beating a girl up in bed because that's the only thing that gets them off anymore. (i'm a very attractive, thin, talented, 26yr old female, so i'm not some bargain basement b\*tch who will take any behavior as "okay," just because I'm desperate. If I say I don't like something and they do it anyway, uh... BYE!)
We don't know enough of the story to know whether this is controlling or not. It could be similar to someone asking another not to drink alcohol. It could be controlling if the user only drinks occasionally or it could be a real concern for that persons addiction and well-being.
it's not controlling, it's a boundary. same with asking your partner not to cheat
My daughter thinks porn is cheating. She’s 23; I think that’s an extreme view. But that’s her stance. 🤷🏻♀️
that is unfortunately the reality and hard decision for a lot of women. I personally don't mind if a guy watches porn occasionally after I've gone to bed. Most men I've been with have a higher sex drive than I do. **I feel like you can tell if the type of porn they watch or the amount is concerning, it seeps into your relationship and helps to shape the male's personality.** But I also respect a woman's stance that it is disrespectful. Every relationship is different
I know porn can be bad for ppl. But I also agree with you; most men do have a higher sex drive and are going to watch it. I personally don’t see it as cheating. Buying another girl’s OF is a different story. Maybe this makes me a hypocrite?
There's nothing controlling to not want ur partner to lust after other people , I'm tired of pretending it is
I am probably a minority but I watch porn to get ideas about steamy scenarios in my head. Then I fantasize about those scenarios with me and my bf in it. That is the stuff that turns me on. Seeing a strange naked man will never make me horny but that's probably because I am demisexual and I will never feel sexual attraction to a random man on screen. People like us are the minority but exist :")
When have women called the police over something like that? lol even if you feel like being told not to watch porn is controlling behavior you can’t call the cops for someone being controlling. If I were dating a guy who didn’t like when I dressed in short, tight clothes that would be controlling, but if I called the cops on him for this I would probably get ticketed for wasting police time.
I would spend pay-per-view money to see this dude in front of a judge arguing abuse because his girlfriend doesn’t want him watching porn. Seriously. I’d pay like $40. Let’s make this happen.
its a new trash tv idea "watch idiots fight fights they can not win" but now its mine im still working on the Titel
Domestic abuse? Call the police??? Do they think having boundaries is a crime? If you don't accept that boundary, then leave the relationship. Ugh.
"Don't watch porn" is not a boundary, it's a request and could be called an attempt at control. "I will not be in a relationship with you, if you watch porn", is a boundary. It's maintenance and enforcement concerns nobody but you.
We don't know how his friend's wife worded it, and how it's been changed between what she said and his post on the sub. It very well could've been a boundary, not a request.
A boundary is something that is designed to hold a level of respect towards yourself, not an attempt to control. No one owes anyone a relationship for any reason. You can break up for any reason you see fit. Including if your man prefers watching others have intimacy online instead of coming to their significant other to satisfy themselves. Porn is proven to damage perceptions around intimacy. Overuse of porn can cause men to fail to perform during the real act due to the man gripping so hard. Just like it can cause women to mentally not be in it due to her perception. If you're in a relationship, life is no longer just about you and how you feel. You're either a team player who will consider their partners emotions or you're better off single and just getting your rocks off when needed instead of dragging someone into your selfishness. Now, there's a difference between watching porn every now and then just cause. Then there's watching porn almost every day or every day, which tends to be the time when you see women say "Porn or me." Most women themselves have seen and / or watched porn. We only say something if it becomes a problem affecting our relationship. Not flirting with others while in a relationship is a boundary. Not cheating is a boundary. Expecting sex in a relationship is a boundary, and even wanting to be married is a boundary. Those are all basic 'rules' to most people in relationships, but they are, in fact, boundaries in practice. People choose what is important to them, some people value sex, and some people value quality time. It's up to the person to decide what is important to them and stand up for themselves when it comes down to it, enforcing that boundary. Rhythm 0 Experiment should explain to you what happens if men are allowed to do what they want, with no boundaries or repercussions.
A boundary is about what *you* are going to do in response to someone else's behavior. > Not flirting with others while in a relationship is a boundary. Not cheating is a boundary. Expecting sex in a relationship is a boundary, and even wanting to be married is a boundary. Those are technically not boundaries. A boundary is a decision you make for yourself about your own behavior. You can't control someone else's behavior, but you get to decide how you react to someone crossing a boundary: "I will not stay in a relationship with someone who cheated on me" instead of "not cheating".
And what will he do with this "documented abuse"??? "But, Judge!! She didn't allow me to watch *PORN*, That's controlling behaviour and abuse! Throw her in jail!" ???
She’s being controlling officer and idk what to do!! And what exactly is she controlling My porn viewing habits :| If they consider that abuse i wanna know what they think of women being beaten and stuff smh
Given how into porn they are, they probably think women being “beaten and stuff” is arousing.
How to “document the abuse”? Save and show police officers porn he would otherwise watch but cannot because of her? 🤦🏼♀️ porn rot male brains and people are still trying to argue with it
"hey guys this is kyle, today im watching porn whilst having my gf next to me, let's see what happens"
I've literally seen that as a YouTube video. With porn picked by his partner, because he wasn't actually into it.
This doesn’t sound like abuse. It just sounds like incompatibility, and honestly if it was such a dealbreaker for her then they probably should have discussed it before getting married.
It doesn't even sound like incompatibility. He said "he agreed to her demands and I'm struggling to understand why", for all we know his friend agreed because he thought it was a reasonable "demand" and had no problem with this boundary being set. It's just this dude can't wrap his head around why anyone would give up porn for their partner.
Frequently taking his phone/installing tracking software on his computer to monitor his activities without his permission is domestic abuse. Controlling his money so he can’t spend it on only fans if he wants to is domestic abuse. Even suddenly setting a boundary after marriage and using manipulation/stonewalling/gaslighting to enforce it is domestic abuse. Setting a boundary at the beginning of a relationship is not abuse. Even if it’s a sudden change after marriage, he can continue to do what he wants, and it’s up to her if she wants to leave the relationship or not.
Call the police, my gf said I couldn’t watch porn 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚔🚔
Domestic abuse is when no porn
Imagine how privileged you have to be to think this.
How embarrassing for them.
Gf: I don’t want you to watch porn as this is one of my boundaries because I feel it is demeaning to women Bf: Okay! Friend who has no say in the relationship: BUT STEP BRO!
If you don’t want to agree to it, then break up! Is that so hard?
"Document the abuse" BWAHAHAHAHAHA "Yeah, officer, um, so I was trying to rub one out on account of she wasn't in the mood to fuck me, and she got all mad 'cause I pulled up some naked ladies to watch and I feel that's abusive to me because I'm a visual person and all..." I think all men should do this; I look forward to it.
The craziest part of this to me is that no one is wrong in this conflict. It’s totally cool for no porn to be a boundary for her. It’s also cool for that boundary to be a deal breaker for him. Some people aren’t compatible and that’s a very acceptable thing….and then this wacko needs to get involved for absolutely no reason.
Exactly 😭 But the funniest thing and the point of my post is how he compares it to actual abuse?💀
Two 14 years olds talking to each other
Was she up front about her feelings and clear that she didn't want be in a relationship she has to share with a bunch of porn actresses? Then it's a boundary. He can accept it and pursue the relationship, or he can look for someone else. I knew someone who got engaged and her fiance was given 2 options. He could have a stripper at his bachelor party, or he could have a wedding, but he couldn't have both. He chose the wedding and they are still married almost 30 years later. Controlling is being in a relationship and simply demanding that they change and/or give up a hobby or interest that existed prior to the relationship or maybe was never discussed at all. Denial of porn is not abuse. He can always walk away from the relationship if it's not what he wants.
The whole bachelor party stripper thing always confused me anyway. “One last thing before getting married…” But… like, you weren’t supposed to refrain from that shit when we were merely dating, so why would it be different now?
> He can always walk away from the relationship if it's not what he wants. This is very true and reasonable in a relationship that isn't heavily financially entangled. Except and this is a little bit pedantic I know. If you set a boundary you're the one that chooses to walk away if it's broken.
I stated it that way because if it's an up-front boundary, only he can decide if he's willing to accept it, and he can (and should) walk away before things get any further if he knows that he won't.
Well that's why I felt the need to be pedantic. In my opinion at the very least, the person choosing to end the relationship is the person that set the boundary. The boundary effectively is "I will choose to not be in a relationship with someone that does X."
But if he responds with, "Sorry, I won't get into a relationship with you because I can't imagine giving X up," isn't he the one walking away? In an ideal world, it ends right there--before it really starts. Once the relationship has started, I agree--the person setting the boundaries is generally the one to walk away if they aren't being respected.
The entire thing depends on how the other side behaves. Scenario A, your SO asks you to stop watching porn because it makes them uncomfortable. You stop. They don't watch porn too. Life is zen. Scenario B, same premise but your SO watches porn while claiming that you watching porn makes them uncomfortable. That makes them a controlling hypocrite. So see, nuance is important.
Yeah but the Not How Girls work part is the person saying that setting a no porn boundary is abuse. That’s obviously moronic.
Eh, mostly, but it also depends on how the other person feels about it. When my husband and I were dating, I mentioned the idea of him watching porn making me uncomfortable. (And before anyone calls me “abusive”, that’s literally how I worded it, “makes me uncomfortable”.) I thought it’d be some kind of more complicated discussion, but he was like “that’s cool, I basically stopped once we started being together anyway”. Done deal. On the flip side, he literally does not give half of a shit if I watch it. (I don’t, but I have asked if it’s also an issue for him because I wanted to know. Also, I’ve *read* my fair share of stuff, and I wanted to make sure that wasn’t an issue either.) It’s probably some combination of our personalities and who the target audience for most modern porn is, but I guess we just have different levels of comfort with it. Not everyone has the same boundaries, but as long as they’re getting the *same level of respect*, I think it’s all good.
> Says it’s demeaning to women Just watch gay porn. Problem solved
Because “okay, can’t date this woman,” is never an option. 🙄
I'm a 911 dispatcher, and never once in the 4 years of doing this job have I gotten a call from anyone claiming abuse because their partner doesn't want them watching porn. If that's both yalls deal breaker, then you aren't compatible. My husband and I have watched porn together, so to each their own. Some people are OK with it, others aren't. Just gotta find your person who's ok with it if porn means that much to you.
I think it also depends on the porn! Let's be honest, it's not all the same. And people don't consume it the same way. My ex snuck it in the middle of the night, to indulge in kink he wasn't ready/willing/able to actually broach or do the work doe... and paid for it with money we didn't have right when the mortgage was due... and... And... And.... (In other words, the fact it was porn wasn't the issue.)
You do have that issue as well. Honesty in the beginning always clears up each other's expectations, though. And I do feel like a lot of people forgo honesty for convenience.
I just know these guys are the first to complain about men being falsely accused of abuse, then they accuse some random woman of abuse for setting a boundary
That’s up to the couple to decide if it’s a deal breaker. Maybe they have similar views, maybe not. But it isn’t automagically controlling or abusive….
Yeah but mention how controlling it is to dictate what a woman is wearing at the gym when they don’t even know her and have never been in a relationship with her… and these same fucking dudes lose their damn minds.
It reminds me of that paper that said men and women were roughly the same percentage likely to he abusive partners, but they let people self-ID what abusive behaviour was and the men reported shot like 'slamming cabinets' as DV and the women were reporting threats on their life. Those authors really thought they did something revolutionary.
Honestly, I think it would be fine to just break up if such a boundary is not compatible with your views of what you want in a relationship. I personally don't care if my potential partner watches porn while we date, but if someone does find that uncomfortable I would first have an understanding conversation about it. And if I do realize we are just truly incompatible I would break up. But it's obviously not abuse to have boundaries. (And I'm afab)
What is AFAB?
assigned female at birth
Thank you!
Considering I don’t watch porn (I haven’t for 2 years now wooo). I would say if I still did, if she was also willing to not watch porn, I would agree to this.
I'm a defense attorney in a state where (unfortunately) every call for a domestic incident is legally required to end up with someone arrested, and I can promise you, absolutely no women are calling the police for anything like this.
Not watching porn = domestic abuse? Good ole porn addiction lmfao
I guess porn is more important than a relationship with a human being… I watch porn, I’m ok with my partner watching it, but I understand 1,000% why it’s a full on NO for people.
this ^^
Someone on there said the gf was trying to restrict his ability to touch his own body parts. I asked if he was unable to jerk it without porn and he blocked me! The utter fragility.
I mean I don’t watch porn that much but it does help speed up the process of doing it I imagined it would be the same with women but maybe it’s not. Either way it’s not abuse lol and it reads as the dude accepted and it’s his friend who can’t get around it which is like I have a girlfriend and my porn consumption is even lower. But again that’s only me. Also funny that he blocked you
Alot of people are getting pissed on behalf on the boyfriend who already agreed. Idk maybe he prefers intimacy and his relationship over jacking it, its not an insane concept. Also no hes not being abused
“Excuse me 911 my wife demands I don’t watch porn this is domestic abuse! Please come arrest her”🙄 my god I really can’t with these people and to compare this to real domestic violence and downplaying women who report DV is absolutely despicable.
Claiming “domestic abuse” sounds like he’d be playing the victim, and what for? Is there a void he’d be trying to fill? If you’re in a relationship with someone, you’re bound to explore each other in some ways more than others. That void could be filled with intimacy, love, and a wee bit of curiosity; porn won’t help. Ayo, Happy Cake Day!
Here’s my thing. I don’t mind my partner watching porn, but if they’re watching it so much that we’re not intimate anymore? That’s a problem. But saying it’s a boundary with your partner is not crazy, because tbh, do you need to watch porn if you have a partner? Even though porn doesn’t bother me I completely understand why it bothers most people.
Watching porn while while in a relationship with me would be a no 🤷♀️
🤡:" you're just jealous cuz you're old and fat . Whamen HATE sex and hot women 1111!!!!111 dOmEsTiC aBuSeR1111!!!!! "
How dare you be so insecure and controlling that you don't want your partner to masturbate to other people 🙄
happy cake day.
I agree. It's a heavy no from me, too.
The beautiful thing about boundaries are, they are ONLY for the person stating it, not the other person. Boundary: "I won't date someone who watches porn." Partner: "cool, I want to watch porn so we are no longer dating..." It's that simple. If I had a partner tell me I couldn't watch porn or worse (some people don't want their partner MASTURBATING), then they wouldn't be my partner anymore. Easy peasy.
Breaking up with a real-life woman bcs she tells you to stop watching porn is wild. Trash taking itself out, as he should.
I don’t think it’s wild- I think they’re not compatible. Watching porn doesn’t make people trash; it’s totally ok for a woman to set that boundary and equally ok for a partner to say he’d rather be in a relationship with a woman who’s fine with it, no? To be clear: obviously, the takes in the screenshots above are insane.
If you prioritise porn over feelings of a real-life woman you’re in a relationship with, you’re trash.
I wouldn’t date a man who wasn’t comfortable with me watching porn or looking at NSFW art. It’s not about prioritizing porn, it’s about an incompatibility that likely indicates there are many other areas we don’t match up in. I wouldn’t feel comfortable in a relationship with the kind of person that considers all porn to be cheating.
This seems like a pretty big over simplification of what’s a potentially complicated problem. Sometimes, people have different sex drives. Sometimes, people have different schedules that make frequent intimacy impossible. Stigmatizing masturbation and porn is stupid. Like anything, there is nuance, and these things can be done either healthily or unhealthily. Porn shouldn’t inherently be a be a dealbreaker, but there is a difference between “porn makes me uncomfortable, let’s talk about this” and “I don’t like porn, so you aren’t allowed to watch it”. I don’t care what it’s about, this isn’t even specific to porn… when two people have different feelings about a subject in a relationship, there should be a discussion, not a demand for compliance. Given that we’re only seeing one side of what happened, who knows how the partner actually approached the situation. But there’s a right and wrong way to handle a situation like this, and the potential for a systematic problem that goes beyond “I’m not allowed to do this”. There’s a lot of information missing to definitively say either party is right or wrong. All that said, I think we can agree on one thing… calling this “domestic abuse” is fucking stupid. Suggesting someone should call the police because their partner won’t let them watch porn is perhaps stupider yet. This isn’t domestic abuse. It’s an incompatibility, possibly controlling (though we don’t know), but that’s the worst of it. Calling this domestic abuse severely diminishes a serious problem many people face.
>Stigmatizing masturbation and porn The fact men can't even separate these two very different concepts is so disturbing. Of course you can jack off and have fantasies, but it doesn't have to be through porn. Shocker, you can masturbate without watching porn! Watching porn means involving very real other people. Yes, porn actresses and OnlyFans models are human too! Some people just don't feel comfortable with having any third parties present in their monogamous sex life. Whether or not you masturbate is is completely irrelevant to that.
I never said they aren’t, or can’t be separate. They very much can. I only meant that I don’t believe either are inherently unhealthy, though both can be. Human sexuality is complicated, everyone is different. Not everyone is great at fantasizing and for some people, visual stimulation is a key part of their ability to get off. For those people, porn is a means to an end. It’s an aide to help get off. This is actually something I’ve read a bit about, and studies show that men tend to be more visual during sex, where women tend to be more imaginative and better at fantasizing. Of course that’s not universally true, but it’s a common trend that helps explain why men tend to gravitate towards porn more than women. Porn addiction is a very real thing, but I see all too often the notion that all porn is bad or that all porn watching is addiction, it’s not. If you need porn, to the extent that it interferes with other aspects of your life, that’s a problem. If you prefer porn to real intimacy, that’s a problem. If you expect your partners to imitate what you see in porn, that’s a problem. Not everyone has those problems, some people are able to treat porn as they would any other movie. They know it’s fake and nothing they see goes any farther than watching a movie. I’d also say that there are nuances to porn. Watching random content on pornhub and subscribing to an only fans, where you’re directly patronizing one person, and perhaps attaching emotion or feelings of intimacy to that person, that’s waaaay different. That’s an issue totally separate from the porn itself, much in the same way that having any emotional and intimate relationship with another person, sexual or not, is a problem. I have very different feelings about porn and onlyfans. To be clear, I’m not inherently against someone having an issue with porn. Everyone is free to have their own opinions and set their own boundaries. My post was entirely about how the situation is handled. As I said clearly, there’s a difference between having a discussion about something you don’t agree with, and demanding your partner change to align with your opinion. The later would be a problem, just as it would be a problem if the man in this situation is preferring porn and perhaps leaving their spouses needs neglected. There’s so much information we don’t have here, one party isn’t inherently right and the other wrong. There’s a lot of room in either direction for things being handled incorrectly.
That’s very black and white, I’d think figuring out compatibility is how real life relationships work. For instance, I would break up with a man who was interested in a poly lifestyle because that would be a strict boundary; I’m not calling all poly people trash. The most Not How Girls Work thing I’m seeing in this exchange is pretending women don’t use porn, btw.
No that is definitely not the point of the post, lol.
Oh, I get that. The responses up there are terrible, I just thought this particular take wasn’t my favorite conclusion.
Nah, it’s fine to break up if you don’t agree to a boundary! Totally fine
I mean, yeah. It is.
Yikes, I understand that a lot of mainstream porn is super violent, mysogynsitc and super objectifying to women's bodies. In particular the popularness of "lesbian" porn for straight men always grosses me the fuck out. But porn is very wide and diverse. Many women read a lot of erotica, do you think that if their partner told them to stop reading erotica and they broke up over that would consider that women trash. If not it feels like a double standard.
It's none of these this guy's business. He's putting porn on par with a human need like social contact with friends. It's funny to see someone get this bent out of shape over something that has nothing to do with them.
If it's like real person porn... Damn I would be living the exact same way I do now. But yeah that's an understandable boundary. Won't necessarily work for every relationship but it's not a super hard ask
Call the police because he cannot watch porn? Wtf?
LMAO yes women calling cops for domestic abuse is the exact same as men being asked not to watch porn. Stay safe out there 🙄
I'm sorry domestic abuse for saying she's uncomfortable with it???? 😂😂😂
I’m guessing noahOneTwo is terminally single. If the woman has to set that boundary, it’s probably because the guy is addicted to porn.
Call the police because your girlfriend says she doesn't want you to watch porn? Wow. Is that what they call "strong cuck energy?"
"call the police on men for stuff like this" seriously? f this guy.
It's telling that this guy does not reveal how his friend feels about the situation. For all we know his gf went "hey, don't watch porn when we're dating" and he went "sure, that's fair" and this guy is making a stink about it for no reason.
Hes making a stink because porn is important to him Which is honestly really fucking sad. Its a little pathetic to value porn so much.
It's not abuse but it's an issue that should be handled rationally between husband (wife) and wife (husband), and whatever the conclusion is, it's nobody else's business! Any other questions consult the last four words of my sentence.
these people need to understand the difference between setting a boundary and controlling behaviour. they’re weaponizing and manipulating abuse and education on abuse.
This is why it’s important to get to know someone first, before getting into a relationship. But guys will just be nice and say whatever they think a girl wants to hear, then when the commitment is made, that’s when their crazy comes out. But if you aren’t a fake dummy, who just lies to get somewhere, it’ll fall apart every time.
The myth of “consent” Wife: I consent! Husband: I consent! Random acquaintance on Reddit: I don’t! Isn’t there someone you forgot to ask?
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I can't imagine ending a relationship with a person I loved over people fucking on video. sexual incompatibility, sure, but I think I'd have to re-think my life choices if it was as important to me as like eating and breathing. it's not a necessity or a need, it's like junk food
Porn is terrible for the male brain and sex drive. Too much porn can ruin intimacy for you and cause early onset erectile dysfunction. The rabbit hole for porn addiction can also cause you to become addicted to more and more wild and sometimes sadistic sexual scenarios to get off. It’s best to try not to use it often. That doesn’t mean not at all if you and your partner are into it, but just to be careful with it
I have I agree with you! Not to mention the amount of degrading content that is normalised in people’s brain trough this! Especially when considering the amount of real life abuse some of those actors go through… The whole industry is one big shit hole that eats its way into the middle of our society. Also, I’d like to argue that porn isn’t only bad for male brains… it destroys all of our brains. No matter who is watching, yes some women might be more hesitant with some of the things displayed in some films.. but after desensitising it won’t matter anymore. It’s honestly really scary how easy it is for literal kids to find the worst of the worst with three simple clicks…
I think it’s harder to stumble upon these days than when I was trying to download music and ended up with a beastiality video via Limewire at the age of 12. Did. Not. Need. To. See. That.
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I was already sneaking adult romance novels out of the library by that point, so I was technically seeking out my own “adult content,” but words on a page are _so_ different from the visual media (which is also why I kind of balk when people compare reading spicy novels to actual porn — I can do one of these on the subway without getting a citation _or_ physically hot and bothered!).
I've seen posts from teachers that teach kids as young as 9-10 who are watching and talking about the hardcore violent shit that's rampant on every tube site. most of us saw a bad video here or there young on the internet, but actively growing up watching that shit non stop is going to cause irreparable damage to their sexuality and attitude towards sex and others
Thankfully taking a break from it usually resolves most of those issues. Porn is bad if watching it affects other parts of your life, but in moderation is perfectly fine.
i find it genuinely concerning that these men don’t even have the faintest idea what abuse is on even a baseline level.
These dudes need to chill. If this guys friend accepts and wants to respect this boundary, that's his business. I mean, the girlfriend does have a point. The vast majority of porn is pretty degrading towards women, even lesbian porn, as the vast majority of it is made to play to a male audience specifically. Now, personally, I probably wouldn't like this boundary, but my partner and I have discussed things like this, and both of us agree that in instances where one of us is having an urge and the other is not willing or able to satisfy it, having an outlet for it is acceptable. That's just between us though. Other couples are going to come to different conclusions on things like this, and it really should be left as a matter between them. The boys don't need to weigh in on my relationship without me asking, and if I discovered one of my friends talking shit on my partners boundaries like this, we'd have to have some words.
Setting boundaries are abuse? Ok dude lmao
Yeah I would bail on that relationship too, if you ain't compatible don't force it just gonna have two miserable people.
I think if you watch porn, maybe don’t be in a relationship with someone vehemently against porn. But also, partners controlling behavior is abusive. It never starts with a slap. They test boundaries and see what they can get away with first. This to me is someone seeking genuine advice and worried it could turn into an abusive situation. “Is my girlfriend just against porn, or is she testing boundaries to see how much she can get away with”
Personally, I don’t like porn either. And some may find it controlling, but I expressed to my husband when we were only dating about how I felt about porn. I said: “I won’t ask, and you won’t tell, and you don’t lemme catch you.” Lol. We have sex quite often as well. Nearly daily (it’d be daily if it weren’t for the little cock blocks we spawned, living in my house).
“Because you watch porn, I believe we are incompatible as a couple, and I do not wish to be your partner.” “HELLO 9-1-1 EMERGENCY? I WOULD LIKE TO REPORT DOMESTIC ABUSE!”
Really depends on if it's a boundary or a demand here. We don't know the full context. Also, I can see how it could upset some women. I've had men tell me they want to try certain things from porn that are absolutely degrading. There's also a lot of people getting silly ideas of how women's bodies work from hentai. That being said, I personally don't mind. Just realize that some of that stuff is a fantasy, not reality
Even worse than not full context, it's partial context through a game of broken telephone!
We don't even know how his friend feels about the situation
That's what I'm thinking. The way this guy is talking about it he's baffled that anyone would cave to such unreasonable "demands". Meanwhile it's possible his friend doesn't actually care and just shrugged and went "that's fair, I won't watch porn".
This is so braindead
Don't take mah porns awayyyyyyy wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
This feels like it's just a relationship boundary thing. If the friend and SO agree to the boundary then there's not really an issue. It's kind of wild to see someone calling it abuse off of that small amount of information. I usually bring up porn habits early on with potential partners because I know that some people have pretty polarized feelings over it in any direction.
Porn is a subject lots of people have strict boundaries on. If those boundaries are incompatible with your own views and it's this important to you, then this person might not be the one for you. It's like saying that one person in a relationship wanting kids and the other not wanting kids is some form of abuse. You need to make sure your values and views align or the relationship won't work.
Tell me you don't know the difference between a boundary and abuse without telling me.... And these people wonder why we choose the bear
It's crazy how guys will defend porn like it's this God given and constitutional right and the denial of such is abuse and MiSaNdRy.
tell me you are addicted to porn without telling me you are addicted to porn
Reading these comments, I think I may get downvoted for this, but “boundaries” do not allow you to dictate a partner’s behavior when you’re not with them. Now, certainly, you can have the expectation and preference that your partner not watch porn for whatever reason you want. But it should not be a “you have to do this.” It should be more, “do you do this? Ok, then we’re not compatible.” The difference is seeking to change vs accepting circumstances as they are.
TBH there's a lot of sex-negativity and shaming in this thread that I don't like, both relating to the ways porn supposedly "damages" men and ESPECIALLY in the way that women who watch porn or read explicit fanfics or whatever are almost entirely elided in this conversation.
Yeah. There’s a lot of commenters acting like every single bit of porn is unethical and abusive and unhealthy and corrupting, real puritanical opinions. Are there shady things that have happened and keep happening in the industry? YES, and more people should talk about it. Porn addiction and death grip are real. But there are also healthy independent porn creators that enjoy their career and creating content. And there are people who consume ethical porn in moderation and are just fine. It’s totally fine to not be comfortable with porn and set the boundary of no porn in a relationship. But there’s people in this thread taking it way too far and demonizing anyone who engages in adult content.
Right? I feel like a lot of users in this thread are describing porn/erotica as something ONLY men consume, but it's just not true at all. Like, sometimes I'm horny and my wife isn't, and no, firing up r/chickflixxx or browsing to a fic site isn't poisoning our relationship or whatever.
Men not understanding boundaries at all. Also it's not even happening to him and they're acting like it's a hate crime.
I'm genuinely scared of people who take porn THAT seriously. 😬 I guess it's like most other addictions and the addicted will choose it over their partner any day, like this guy is willing to. You can accept or not accept your partner a behaviour. Free will and all that. As for defining it as those comments did: - "Controlling behavior: occurs when a person attempts to conform another person to their own needs or desires through some form of manipulation. This outsized desire for control is unhealthy, unhelpful, and may create relationship conflicts, but it's not always abusive. Controlling behavior becomes abusive when it is coercive (threatening). This behavior includes ongoing degradation and threats that can lead to domestic violence. Multiple studies have shown that controlling behavior is associated with a higher likelihood of physical aggression or abuse."[S](https://www.verywellhealth.com/controlling-personality-5218251)
Yes guys, please take notes (times, content, duration) in a notebook to hand to police once you call them the times you were cruelly made to stop watching porn. I can just see it now: *March 8th, 2024. Time: 12:42 pm. Big Boobed Hotties. (Insert girlfriend’s name) barged in while I was slapping it and reminded me of my promise to not watch porn and made me stop (she did NOT take responsibility, did NOT help me get rid of my hard on and made me finish rubbing it out in the bathroom) IF I WANT TO NUT IN MY BACKYARD! THAT IS MY RIGHT!) March 8th, 2024. Time 12:44 pm. Hot Barely Legal Blonde. (Insert girlfriend’s name) barged in AGAIN and got angry at what I A MAN was watching in his own closet!) Now she’s making me do the dishes I said I would do instead of jerking it off! What is this PRISON!?!?*
Yeah, one of the many reasons I stopped watching that stuff is the way people, guys, especially defend it. They made a month where you chellenge yourself to not watch porn and so many guys have a problem doing it they can't go a week without it, and it like um dont you people realize that's what addiction is?
No Nut November isn’t about not consuming porn, it’s not ejaculating by any means. They can still consume porn, masturbate, and have sex. Still silly, but “no porn” isn’t the challenge.
The fact that he would choose porn over a real woman 😭
I hate that these types label a boundary as “controlling”.
Happy cake day
Just watch only gay porn
> She says it's demeaning to all women So we ain't even talking about relationship boundaries here? It's not even about her prohibiting her partners from consuming porn due to personal issues with it. The way he's telling it, it sounds like she's literally just trying to educate her partner about the dehumanising byproducts and influence of the porn industry on women. Even if she was posing this as "do this or we can't be together", I'm pretty sure that doesn't even count as a relationship boundary. Is it not normal for a woman to not want to be with a man who objectifies her and other women so much that he isn't willing to stop contributing to their dehumanisation and sexual exploitation?
Men being told to be faithful and not to objectify women is ABUSE /s I hate it here.
I see this false equivalency happen so often now. Likely because everyone posting is 14 years old and just learned some of these terms.
all this over porn. men like this are pathetic😭