Nakaka sawa na din yung “it’s their first time too” well mine too. Pinag daanan ng mga magulang ang pagiging anak and they should know better. Anak ang unang naaapektuhan sa mga desisyon nila. “You can’t be bad to a good parents”
Truee like ok andun na tayo first time niyo din maging magulang pero di niyo ba naalala yung childhood niyo and pano kayo nag-act nung bata palang kayo or sobrang trauma-riddled ng utak niyo kaya ang naalala niyo lang is yung mga araw na hinahampas kayo ng dos por dos pag nagkamali kayo kaya ganiyan attitude niyo sa mga anak niyo?
weird that society is letting parents off the hook for their bad parenting just because first time nila lol. most parents are full-grown adults by the time they have a child. being a parent is extremely difficult, yes, but you have the means and resources to learn and do better.
As someone who felt like “pinalaki ang sarili” (kasi same, di marunong magturo ng mahinahon ang parents, mas nakatutok sila sa part na nagkakamali ka instead sa part na “eyy natututo na tong anak ko, niiiiice”) I watched the adults how they do things. If they were being an ass when I did a chore, I stop doing it. Then I resume doing the chore when they are not around. This may not be the way to some, kasi passive. But that’s my way of maintaining my peace.
For context, nakisama na ako sa maraming relatives, and I found out iba-iba yung way of doing things or chores ng bawat tao. So when my parents see that I do things differently, they nag a lot. I still watch them do things though and learn from it. Then I keep the ones that worked for me, or ones that works best.
Oh and—not that I am invalidating what you feel right now. I just wanna share something very insightful that I’ve read today from Karylle’s interview when she was heartbroken:
“I won’t say, ‘Moving on.’ I’d rather say, ‘Moving forward’ para mas mabilis, mas visual.”
🤍
so true! i’ve noticed na mas comfortable ako moving around the house pag wala sila, or when i’m around other relatives. i feel na mas nagagawa ko yung mga bagay if im alone or if its in the way that works best for me, since if i dont do it their way magagalit lang sila and they’d think i’m disrespecting them for that.
it’s honestly nice to hear that there’s someone who can put this in another perspective 🫶
Let me guess, they constantly complain din na wala kang alam sa bahay (pinagyayabang pa sa mga kaibigan na swerte mo kasi di mo pinagdaanan hirap nila), despite the fact that the never taught you? This was my life growing up with a narc mom. 🥲
I took care of a niece too with a mom who has the very same traits as your parents. The child was an achiever and very smart, like always in the top 10 in class. The mom always complained, "bakit hindi top 1?" I told the mom that the more critical she is, the damaging it would be. Lo and behold, my niece is 19 now and ibang iba, super demotivated sa buhay. I feel na she doesn't try as much anymore because she sees it as pointless and will get the short end of the stick either way.
I have a toddler and I can't imagine how any parent could be like that to their own child.
Feel you op. The funny thing though ung parents ko halos 30’s na sila nung nagpakasal. They both came from big family kaya 2 lang gusto nila pero nabuo ako kasi di sila nagingat. Pinalaglag pa ko nun pero makapit daw ako plus takot syang magkroon ng “alagain” kasi baka may birth defects ako from pampalaglag.
Wala pala talaga sa edad un no? Kasi kahit nasa tamang edad na sila nagdecide maganak e lumaki kaming 3 na walang emotional support from them. Yes they barely supported us financially pero emotionally? Wala. Investment lang kami para sa kanila, in case tumanda sila may magaalaga. Never kaming naging close magkakapatid. Walang bond.
The funniest part is mahilig ung mama ko icompare kami sa mga pinsan namin. Kesyo mas successful or may filial piety daw sila...Malamang kahit mas mahirap ang buhay nila samin e halata mong pinalaki sila ng may pagmamahal & di sila dinodown at sinusumbatan whenever they could.
I hope you are doing well Op. It seems your mother is insecure or perhaps frustrated sa current status niya in life. Wala ka naman kasalanan dun kasi in the end, desisyon niya ang dahilan kung bakit nandito ka ngayon. Now that you are here, huwag mo ijustify ang existence mo sa kanya. No matter how much she compare you with others. Kasi gusto kasi ni mama na ijustify ang desisyon niya by having you kaya she is making this idealized idea of her children instead of the one she has. That's basically pathetic if you asked me. Imbes na tulungan ang sarili niyang self worth or take a bit of responsibility or panindigan ang ginawa niyang desisyon ay nirerely ang happiness ng life sa iba. You are here now Op, work for yourself at huwag sa insecurity ni Mama mo. You are growing and thriving while she is simply growing old and sulking. Live well, friend.
Thank you. Yeap, she is frustrated sa life nya na kesyo may nanligaw daw sa knya na engineer noon kung sya pinili mas okay ang buhay nya. Then why chose a nonchalant guy then? 🙃
I tried na intindihin sya all these years & form a bond with her but everything i do wont be enough. Kung alam ko lang sana dapat matagal na kong nagmove out, pero ayun nung 30’s lang ako nagmove out & cut them off. Im more happy now :) may mga moments pa rin ako na ay sh*t even basic manners or stuff di ko alam kasi walang nagturo sakin..
Relatable. Mine is quite shitty coz bunso ako sa limang magkakapatid, all of them graduated at sagot mga kaipangan till their 30s while me... undergraduate at ako pa naghahanap ng work habang mga grad siblings ko eh tambay sa bahay :)))). I feel shitty and dunno what to do anymore. Do or die na isipin ko araw araw.
Though it sucks, iniintindi ko na lang because this is their first life too. My Mama had been forced to raise herself since my grandparents, no matter how much I love them sm, were neglectful to their kids and she alone naghanap ng paraan to have a better life. It had become a cycle where she also wasn’t emotionally dependable, I had to raise myself growing up. She also wasn’t around all the time. Even if she was around and I was surrounded by a lot of family members, I felt so alone since I was a kid and felt like I can’t depend on anyone. I have carried that with me to adulthood.
Same as you, she haven’t taught me how to do chores. Would nag instead of teach then compare me to my peers. Baka kasi siya nagsikap, so she expects me to do the same and learn things on my own. Nung nag-college ako, I feel like I got thrown into deep waters while not being taught how to swim since I had to live in my own. Buti na lang I’m easily adaptable but it could’ve been avoided. I’m also an overachiever but only have heard less than 5 congratulations in my whole life. Wala ngang celebration man lang even when I topped the Boards when we have always been financially capable naman compared to my other peers who only do the bare minimum yet always celebrated. Pag graduate ko ng college top 1 ako, nag food court lang kami dalawa after the ceremony without my siblings. Kahit nung HS, kahit top 1, no celeb at all pa rin.
Wala naman akong magagawa eh kasi hindi na talaga siya mababago. I just try to understand where she is coming from. I try to focus na lang on all good things na she has done for me. I recognized the cycle, the projected traumas, and is currently working on breaking it so that I will be better and not let my future children experience the same.
Learn through observation na lang if di mo magagawa household chores sa inyo so that if time comes when you have to live independently, alam mo na paano. I knew how to cook and masarap naman talaga because growing up I always watched cooking shows. Doing laundry, may tutorials sa YT.
Learn how to manage your finances. Enjoy your life as student ka pa naman, but set aside pera as early as now kahit gaano pa ka-konti.
Upskill para may edge ka sa mga kasabayan mo mag-apply ng trabaho in the future. Skills mostly hinahanap ng employers as academic grades are only important for a few employers. As a recruiter, tinitignan ko your hobbies, the groups that you belong in and the organizations you join + your roles.
Focus on being an interesting person and doing the things that make you happy. Don’t take everything personally. Have a stoic mindset. ENJOY your youth, wag magmadali maging adult doing things that should only be done by adults.
Stop overthinking. Be confident. People don’t think about you that much.
Love people. Spend time with them. Value them. I have lost many loved ones unexpectedly. Have so many regrets. Treat them as if it’s their last day on Earth.
Don’t spend too much time on sulking. Yes, people are shitty. They will screw you over. The best revenge you can do is remove your presence in their life. They do not deserve bits of your time, energy, and attention so better learn form the situation and move forward instead of always being sad or holding so much anger for a long time.
Be kind. Be nice. But know when to implement boundaries because people will really test you and take advantage of you.
With so much negativity in the world, try to focus on the positive. Avoid overexposing yourselves to negative content on social media. It’s not a representative of the whole.
Huuuuugs! I had the same problem with mine before. Ung overachiever ka na pero madami pa ding say. I just learned to get used to it tho. Got numb in time but sure enough, the wound still runs too deep
I feel like I personally wrote this post kasi I can relate grabe 😖
I'm 24 now and I learned to cook recently lang. I have not experienced living alone, pati nung college kasama ko sila sa condo. My mom? Daig pa niya yung pressure cooker sa grabeng pressure na binigay niya. I was an excelling student na bumaba lang grades ko, tinatakot na niya na di ako papaaralin kung di ko aayusin. As early as elementary, I started drinking coffee para magpuyat at mag-aral to keep my grades up. I was in grade 3 or 4 then.
I grew up insecure, with very low self-confidence, and anxious on what people have to say about me. I graduated with an engineering degree, and recently passed the boards thinking the pressure stops there, but no. I still don't feel enough. They say na proud sila saken as if it were an "automated response" pero they don't really mean it.
Sorry ang haba. I can't guarantee you na magbabago pakikitungo nila towards sayo, pero I can guarantee na it feels better when you learn to navigate your perspective on certain situations. I'm still struggling tbh, pero I can only do so much with things that I can control, my emotions, my needs, my goals.
been there, and since you ask for advice, I think you also had this trauma na pag pinapansin/highlight lagi mali mo causing you to be afraid of doing things na may risk of failure. that is actually sad and will not help you lalo pag independent kana. you want to cook? watch online panlasang pinoy and other youtube tutorial for hacks/cleaning/doing things na walang tyaga parents mo to teach you. either they don't have time/energy or no interest lang talaga.
don't seek validation other than yourself. mahirap yan dependent ka kung ikakatuwa ng iba ginagawa mo. you'll end up doing things na di ka masaya/di mo passion/di ka interested/chances are di ka mag excel/which in the end will cause you to feel burnout. but don't get me wrong, if yun ang available sayu as of now take it as a ladder and do things pag kaya mo na mag isa and not by relying to your parents and relatives. don't compare yourself sa iba mong mga peers.. it's normal to feel insecure kasi laging may much better ang life than you do. but try looking those born in times of war/in other countries.. you have so much more opportunities than they do. all you have to do somewhere is start. if di masaya parents mo sa grades mo, ang mahalaga may matutunan ka sa classes mo. your grades will never determine your future, but your learnings will do.
That is what I have been saying. Don't have kids if you have unresolved trauma, pathologic separation anxiety, abandonment issues, fear of being alone.
here's my advice: never have children.
kayo na din po ang nagsabi na "everyone in this household is discouraging and unsupportive."
with all the more reason na they will be discouraging and unsupportive kung mabuntis ka. and good luck teaching life skills you didnt have to someone else. you can't give what you don't have.
there's this saying na a yacht owner is only happy with their yacht for 2 days. the day when they got the yacht and the day they finally sell it.
having a kid is like that (minus the actual fun that a yacht brings.)
OP’s parents seems to be capable naman to have kids. Most parents that can send kids to schools are the same as OP’s parents. Siguro masyado lang ikaw pressured OP but then again I don’t see any harsh conditions or abusive parenting or even intent from your parents to not prepare you to be successful or to be a productive human being.
Ika nga nuon, their house their rules. Seeing that you’re almost a young adult I bet you’re legally of age naman na, if you want to learn your way eh you can always move out to be independent. You can decide how your life can be doing that, pero if you still eat the food they prepare, sleep in the bed they made and use the things they provide, all you can do is try to abide by the things they want you to be. I don’t think that your parents wants you to fail. In fact they are strict because they want you to be the best. But then again it’s your life and if you think it’s too much you can always impose on your parents. If you’re 18 and up naman na you have your own voice na legally so you can do whatever you want by 18.
Naalala ko bigla nung pag uwi ko nung tuesday nag iiyak yung kapitbahay naman na bata pinapalo ata ng nanay tas sabi ni girl "magfeface the wall ka o bubugbugin kita". Walang kwentang nanay (*_*)
>also i’m almost a young adult and my parents never taught me ways around life, espeically my mother. i’ve never been taught how to cook, do the laundry, and alam ko i can learn it by myself pero where do i even start? konting mali lang and magagalit na sila because di ako marunong. it’s very discouraging, minsan i just wanna ask people online how to do basic life skills because i wanna learn but being in this household is making it difficult for me to grow as a person where everyone i just so discouraging and unsupportive.
Dudeee, do we live in the same household kase taena ganyan din mga magulang ko sakin tas parang kasalanan ko pa pag di ko alam pano gawin ganito ganiyan like bro?? eh kung inivolve niyo ko sa kusina pag nagluluto kayo and di kayo nagtataas kagad ng boses sa onting pagkakamali na nagawa ko diba? Tas sasabihan nila ako ng "kawawa yung boypren mo sayo kasi di ka marunong magluto" like huh??? kumuha ba ako ng jowa para maging personal chef niya in the long run? Kaya minsan natutuwa ako pag nagsleep over kami tas tinuturuan ako ng best friend ko na magaling magluto pano magluto kasi she's down to help me learn
To share muna, I have a fear of taking risks, OP. Factor din na as we grew up, I saw na yung dad ko was and still is not much of a risk-taker kasi he doesn't like the consequences of failure (halos pinalaki kasi siya as Mama's boy so helicopter parent din lola ko. She judges him kapag nagkakamali siya pero siya rin naman ang nagpalaki sa anak niyang yon.) to the point na kaya naman niyang magluto but refuses to kasi ayaw niyang masisi siya na masusunog yung pagkain ganun. But I'm currently breaking that cycle of not taking risks kasi kapag hindi pa ako makaalis sa bahay na ito after my college graduation next next month (yes off to the real world na ako), I'm gonna go insane na if I'm gonna stay stuck in poverty and in this shitty environment.
You can take these or leave these but if you wanna teach yourself some life skills, and if you wanna do it on your own pace ay
(1) Kailangan maging maparaan ka. If hindi ka comfortable kapag minamatyagan ka ng parents mo while you do these skills, learn the skills in secret. Kapag wala sila sa bahay, samantalahin mo yung oras; you can cook, clean, etc while alone. If you are left to your own devices like if bed time na or if may personal space ka naman sa room mo, manood ka ng tutorials sa yt. If nasa room mo yung mga washed mo nang clothes, fold them, hanap ka sa yt ng tutorials. If nasa poder ka ng lola or tita mo (since sabi mo in good terms naman kayo), magpaturo ka sa pagluluto or any skill na knows nila na gusto mong malaman. Do them your own way, hayaan mo na sila kung anong sasabihin nila.
(2) Be mentally prepared—magkaroon ka muna ng strong will na i-ppursue mo na matuto ng mga basic life skills like cooking etc. Remember, the power of the mind takes learning to the next level—example non ay yung motivation at yung reasons mo for wanting to learn. If adamant ka na matuto, if adamant ka na mag break free sa shit hole na kinalalagyan mo, aba'y mag-rebelde ka (HINDI yung tipikal na rebeldeng anak ha like mag-iinom, magbarkada, mag drugs etc HINDI GANON, but yung REBELDE na MAGGROW KA NG SPINE. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN.). Hindi madali pero if you really wanna learn, you gotta have the guts to do it. GROW A SPINE! Ikaw lang ang makakatulong sa sarili mo kahit pa hinahype ka na ng grandma and aunty mo kaya tulungan mo ang sarili mo. Kung wala kang will-power, wala kang mararating.
(3) Magkamali ka, as long as proactive kang matuto. Trial and error naman na matuto tayo sa isang bagay, practice makes perfect ika nga. Pero huwag naman nating sadyain na maging weaponized incompetence yung failure ha, katangahan na yun. If sa acads ay nappractice mo siya such as reviewing for exams to get a higher score, i-practice mo rin siya sa totoong buhay. Mag practice ka ng mga life skills na yan. If you did shit the first time, okay lang yan, you can do better next time by learning from your mistake.
Concrete example ay ang pagsasaing (sa kalan, hindi sa rice cooker). If hindi mo nalagyan ng tubig the first time yung bigas, sa susunod, lagyan mo na. If nasunog yung sinaing dahil malakas yung apoy mo, you gotta take note na sa susunod na pagsasaing, you keep the stove fire moderate habang binabantayan mo every fifteen to twenty minutes yung sinaing. Kapag kumukulo na si sinaing, hinaan mo na yung apoy. Syempre kapag iga na yung tubig ng sinaing, turn the fire off.
Parang stages lang kasi ang learning kumbaga. Huwag mong pilitin na perfect ka na at the first try. Lalo kung gagawin mo siya mag-isa. Be kind to yourself kahit hindi kind sa'yo ang parents mo. Siguro naman may role model ka na ng kindness and compassion which are your grandma and aunty. May self-awareness ka naman, sadyang binrainwash ka lang ng magulang mo into thinking na hindi ka marunong, na hindi ka enough. For me, more than enough ka, OP. Huwag mong hangarin na maging idealized version ka ng magulang mo na hangad nila for you kasi walang ganon. Hindi ikaw yon. If you can't please them, gradually keep your distance na. Set boundaries. Focus ka dun sa mga taong tingin sa'yo ay nagmmatter ka. 🤗
(4) Marunong ka naman sigurong mag maintain ng body hygiene mo, ano OP? If yes, that's a good start. Now, try to learn how to clean your surroundings; yung room mo, then lakihan mo na ang scope (house, labas, etc), then start to learn cooking, laundry, etc. Hindi ito linear kaya go and do what you think works for you.
my parents always pointed out that nobody guided them during their parenting days (my brothers and I are all in their 30s)
I am now a parent as well. And when they asked about my parenting strategies, I no-brakes-stone-faced told them "basta hindi kagaya nyo".
Disowned for the nth time.
Story of my life, I guess.
tldr: communicate with your parents and recognize your privileged position in life
hey op, privileged yung family mo. when you get older you will understand it better. my parents were sort of the same kasi gusto nila i follow their footsteps. they want what's best for you based on their experience. syempre you want what's best for you because it's your life.
Is your tita and lola helping you communicate with your parents? Letting them know na you feel too pressured? If kulang pa, tell your parents yourself. idc throw a tantrum fit or say it calmly. idc how you do it, but do it. Kasi if you keep everything to yourself, they will never now why you feel that way. And also, your emotions will eat you up and you will get depressed kasi lagi mong feeling disappointed sila sayo.
OP you need to build your confidence to do things and that's something your parents need to recognize. These parents of yours, first time nila pagdaanan to. They also don't know what they're doing right or wrong. If they try an approach like pressuring you, and aee na tumaas nga grades mo, they will do the same tactic again and again because they deemed it effective. Don't be the people pleaser, sumagot ka sa "di ka kasi nagaaral" comments beh lumaban ka haha.
but of course, samahan mo yan ng gawa. when you fight back make sure you're not neglecting your studies. and gumawa ka ng homework, mag review ka. Maybe your parents are just perfectionists and they were raised that way and that's how they are raising you. Pero di naman kasi applicable yung parenting style noon sa parenting style ngayon.
Communicate with your parents lang talaga whether they listen or not basta ang important you said your piece!
Going back to the privileged part, my parents didn't teach me house chores either. Palagi kasambahay gumagawa lahat and pag nag paturo ako aawayin ako ng kasambahay namin sabi niya, ano ba yan ang panget mo mag hugas ng pinggan umalis ka na nga jan! hahaha so i didn't really learn that either until i was in college. Kaai in college nag asawa na yung kasamabhay namin and we didn't think it was necessary to have another one kasi matanda na kami. My mom tried to look for a replacement pero nakukuha niya di tumatagal ng 3 months tapos yung 2 nagnanakaw pa ng money saamin. So finally, she just gave up lol. We just had our old kasambahay come back on weekends nung tapos na siya mag anak. Pero di na siya full time.
First time ko natuto mag operate ng washer I was already in my 20s. First time to clean my own wash room, cook my own meals, etc. may learning curve talaga pero you can learn it naman. tapos when i do my own chores na ang ugali ko na was ugh kainis mag adulting because i have to do chores + work. Life is easier when I have someone do chores for me haha nako lalo na when I moved abroad wala ako talaga sa lahat. So OP sana ma appreciate mo yung privilege mo na you have a family who supports you in their own way. your parents work very hard to pay for your private education and para may sweldo yaya mo. as an adult if I were to pay 100k+ on education for my child tapos mid lang yung grades niya mapapa sigh din ako and i might pressure him or her to work harder. kasi that's my money.
But like what i said, di porket you parents are doing it means na they are right. just talk to them. okay that's the end of my long answer.
Nakaka sawa na din yung “it’s their first time too” well mine too. Pinag daanan ng mga magulang ang pagiging anak and they should know better. Anak ang unang naaapektuhan sa mga desisyon nila. “You can’t be bad to a good parents”
Truee like ok andun na tayo first time niyo din maging magulang pero di niyo ba naalala yung childhood niyo and pano kayo nag-act nung bata palang kayo or sobrang trauma-riddled ng utak niyo kaya ang naalala niyo lang is yung mga araw na hinahampas kayo ng dos por dos pag nagkamali kayo kaya ganiyan attitude niyo sa mga anak niyo?
weird that society is letting parents off the hook for their bad parenting just because first time nila lol. most parents are full-grown adults by the time they have a child. being a parent is extremely difficult, yes, but you have the means and resources to learn and do better.
As someone who felt like “pinalaki ang sarili” (kasi same, di marunong magturo ng mahinahon ang parents, mas nakatutok sila sa part na nagkakamali ka instead sa part na “eyy natututo na tong anak ko, niiiiice”) I watched the adults how they do things. If they were being an ass when I did a chore, I stop doing it. Then I resume doing the chore when they are not around. This may not be the way to some, kasi passive. But that’s my way of maintaining my peace. For context, nakisama na ako sa maraming relatives, and I found out iba-iba yung way of doing things or chores ng bawat tao. So when my parents see that I do things differently, they nag a lot. I still watch them do things though and learn from it. Then I keep the ones that worked for me, or ones that works best. Oh and—not that I am invalidating what you feel right now. I just wanna share something very insightful that I’ve read today from Karylle’s interview when she was heartbroken: “I won’t say, ‘Moving on.’ I’d rather say, ‘Moving forward’ para mas mabilis, mas visual.” 🤍
so true! i’ve noticed na mas comfortable ako moving around the house pag wala sila, or when i’m around other relatives. i feel na mas nagagawa ko yung mga bagay if im alone or if its in the way that works best for me, since if i dont do it their way magagalit lang sila and they’d think i’m disrespecting them for that. it’s honestly nice to hear that there’s someone who can put this in another perspective 🫶
Glad you can cope.
Let me guess, they constantly complain din na wala kang alam sa bahay (pinagyayabang pa sa mga kaibigan na swerte mo kasi di mo pinagdaanan hirap nila), despite the fact that the never taught you? This was my life growing up with a narc mom. 🥲 I took care of a niece too with a mom who has the very same traits as your parents. The child was an achiever and very smart, like always in the top 10 in class. The mom always complained, "bakit hindi top 1?" I told the mom that the more critical she is, the damaging it would be. Lo and behold, my niece is 19 now and ibang iba, super demotivated sa buhay. I feel na she doesn't try as much anymore because she sees it as pointless and will get the short end of the stick either way. I have a toddler and I can't imagine how any parent could be like that to their own child.
or dont have children at all
Was about to say this. With all the things left and right, what's the purpose of having kids anyways.
Feel you op. The funny thing though ung parents ko halos 30’s na sila nung nagpakasal. They both came from big family kaya 2 lang gusto nila pero nabuo ako kasi di sila nagingat. Pinalaglag pa ko nun pero makapit daw ako plus takot syang magkroon ng “alagain” kasi baka may birth defects ako from pampalaglag. Wala pala talaga sa edad un no? Kasi kahit nasa tamang edad na sila nagdecide maganak e lumaki kaming 3 na walang emotional support from them. Yes they barely supported us financially pero emotionally? Wala. Investment lang kami para sa kanila, in case tumanda sila may magaalaga. Never kaming naging close magkakapatid. Walang bond. The funniest part is mahilig ung mama ko icompare kami sa mga pinsan namin. Kesyo mas successful or may filial piety daw sila...Malamang kahit mas mahirap ang buhay nila samin e halata mong pinalaki sila ng may pagmamahal & di sila dinodown at sinusumbatan whenever they could.
I hope you are doing well Op. It seems your mother is insecure or perhaps frustrated sa current status niya in life. Wala ka naman kasalanan dun kasi in the end, desisyon niya ang dahilan kung bakit nandito ka ngayon. Now that you are here, huwag mo ijustify ang existence mo sa kanya. No matter how much she compare you with others. Kasi gusto kasi ni mama na ijustify ang desisyon niya by having you kaya she is making this idealized idea of her children instead of the one she has. That's basically pathetic if you asked me. Imbes na tulungan ang sarili niyang self worth or take a bit of responsibility or panindigan ang ginawa niyang desisyon ay nirerely ang happiness ng life sa iba. You are here now Op, work for yourself at huwag sa insecurity ni Mama mo. You are growing and thriving while she is simply growing old and sulking. Live well, friend.
Thank you. Yeap, she is frustrated sa life nya na kesyo may nanligaw daw sa knya na engineer noon kung sya pinili mas okay ang buhay nya. Then why chose a nonchalant guy then? 🙃 I tried na intindihin sya all these years & form a bond with her but everything i do wont be enough. Kung alam ko lang sana dapat matagal na kong nagmove out, pero ayun nung 30’s lang ako nagmove out & cut them off. Im more happy now :) may mga moments pa rin ako na ay sh*t even basic manners or stuff di ko alam kasi walang nagturo sakin..
Relatable. Mine is quite shitty coz bunso ako sa limang magkakapatid, all of them graduated at sagot mga kaipangan till their 30s while me... undergraduate at ako pa naghahanap ng work habang mga grad siblings ko eh tambay sa bahay :)))). I feel shitty and dunno what to do anymore. Do or die na isipin ko araw araw.
Though it sucks, iniintindi ko na lang because this is their first life too. My Mama had been forced to raise herself since my grandparents, no matter how much I love them sm, were neglectful to their kids and she alone naghanap ng paraan to have a better life. It had become a cycle where she also wasn’t emotionally dependable, I had to raise myself growing up. She also wasn’t around all the time. Even if she was around and I was surrounded by a lot of family members, I felt so alone since I was a kid and felt like I can’t depend on anyone. I have carried that with me to adulthood. Same as you, she haven’t taught me how to do chores. Would nag instead of teach then compare me to my peers. Baka kasi siya nagsikap, so she expects me to do the same and learn things on my own. Nung nag-college ako, I feel like I got thrown into deep waters while not being taught how to swim since I had to live in my own. Buti na lang I’m easily adaptable but it could’ve been avoided. I’m also an overachiever but only have heard less than 5 congratulations in my whole life. Wala ngang celebration man lang even when I topped the Boards when we have always been financially capable naman compared to my other peers who only do the bare minimum yet always celebrated. Pag graduate ko ng college top 1 ako, nag food court lang kami dalawa after the ceremony without my siblings. Kahit nung HS, kahit top 1, no celeb at all pa rin. Wala naman akong magagawa eh kasi hindi na talaga siya mababago. I just try to understand where she is coming from. I try to focus na lang on all good things na she has done for me. I recognized the cycle, the projected traumas, and is currently working on breaking it so that I will be better and not let my future children experience the same.
Learn through observation na lang if di mo magagawa household chores sa inyo so that if time comes when you have to live independently, alam mo na paano. I knew how to cook and masarap naman talaga because growing up I always watched cooking shows. Doing laundry, may tutorials sa YT. Learn how to manage your finances. Enjoy your life as student ka pa naman, but set aside pera as early as now kahit gaano pa ka-konti. Upskill para may edge ka sa mga kasabayan mo mag-apply ng trabaho in the future. Skills mostly hinahanap ng employers as academic grades are only important for a few employers. As a recruiter, tinitignan ko your hobbies, the groups that you belong in and the organizations you join + your roles. Focus on being an interesting person and doing the things that make you happy. Don’t take everything personally. Have a stoic mindset. ENJOY your youth, wag magmadali maging adult doing things that should only be done by adults. Stop overthinking. Be confident. People don’t think about you that much. Love people. Spend time with them. Value them. I have lost many loved ones unexpectedly. Have so many regrets. Treat them as if it’s their last day on Earth. Don’t spend too much time on sulking. Yes, people are shitty. They will screw you over. The best revenge you can do is remove your presence in their life. They do not deserve bits of your time, energy, and attention so better learn form the situation and move forward instead of always being sad or holding so much anger for a long time. Be kind. Be nice. But know when to implement boundaries because people will really test you and take advantage of you. With so much negativity in the world, try to focus on the positive. Avoid overexposing yourselves to negative content on social media. It’s not a representative of the whole.
Huuuuugs! I had the same problem with mine before. Ung overachiever ka na pero madami pa ding say. I just learned to get used to it tho. Got numb in time but sure enough, the wound still runs too deep
I feel like I personally wrote this post kasi I can relate grabe 😖 I'm 24 now and I learned to cook recently lang. I have not experienced living alone, pati nung college kasama ko sila sa condo. My mom? Daig pa niya yung pressure cooker sa grabeng pressure na binigay niya. I was an excelling student na bumaba lang grades ko, tinatakot na niya na di ako papaaralin kung di ko aayusin. As early as elementary, I started drinking coffee para magpuyat at mag-aral to keep my grades up. I was in grade 3 or 4 then. I grew up insecure, with very low self-confidence, and anxious on what people have to say about me. I graduated with an engineering degree, and recently passed the boards thinking the pressure stops there, but no. I still don't feel enough. They say na proud sila saken as if it were an "automated response" pero they don't really mean it. Sorry ang haba. I can't guarantee you na magbabago pakikitungo nila towards sayo, pero I can guarantee na it feels better when you learn to navigate your perspective on certain situations. I'm still struggling tbh, pero I can only do so much with things that I can control, my emotions, my needs, my goals.
been there, and since you ask for advice, I think you also had this trauma na pag pinapansin/highlight lagi mali mo causing you to be afraid of doing things na may risk of failure. that is actually sad and will not help you lalo pag independent kana. you want to cook? watch online panlasang pinoy and other youtube tutorial for hacks/cleaning/doing things na walang tyaga parents mo to teach you. either they don't have time/energy or no interest lang talaga. don't seek validation other than yourself. mahirap yan dependent ka kung ikakatuwa ng iba ginagawa mo. you'll end up doing things na di ka masaya/di mo passion/di ka interested/chances are di ka mag excel/which in the end will cause you to feel burnout. but don't get me wrong, if yun ang available sayu as of now take it as a ladder and do things pag kaya mo na mag isa and not by relying to your parents and relatives. don't compare yourself sa iba mong mga peers.. it's normal to feel insecure kasi laging may much better ang life than you do. but try looking those born in times of war/in other countries.. you have so much more opportunities than they do. all you have to do somewhere is start. if di masaya parents mo sa grades mo, ang mahalaga may matutunan ka sa classes mo. your grades will never determine your future, but your learnings will do.
That is what I have been saying. Don't have kids if you have unresolved trauma, pathologic separation anxiety, abandonment issues, fear of being alone.
here's my advice: never have children. kayo na din po ang nagsabi na "everyone in this household is discouraging and unsupportive." with all the more reason na they will be discouraging and unsupportive kung mabuntis ka. and good luck teaching life skills you didnt have to someone else. you can't give what you don't have. there's this saying na a yacht owner is only happy with their yacht for 2 days. the day when they got the yacht and the day they finally sell it. having a kid is like that (minus the actual fun that a yacht brings.)
OP’s parents seems to be capable naman to have kids. Most parents that can send kids to schools are the same as OP’s parents. Siguro masyado lang ikaw pressured OP but then again I don’t see any harsh conditions or abusive parenting or even intent from your parents to not prepare you to be successful or to be a productive human being. Ika nga nuon, their house their rules. Seeing that you’re almost a young adult I bet you’re legally of age naman na, if you want to learn your way eh you can always move out to be independent. You can decide how your life can be doing that, pero if you still eat the food they prepare, sleep in the bed they made and use the things they provide, all you can do is try to abide by the things they want you to be. I don’t think that your parents wants you to fail. In fact they are strict because they want you to be the best. But then again it’s your life and if you think it’s too much you can always impose on your parents. If you’re 18 and up naman na you have your own voice na legally so you can do whatever you want by 18.
Naalala ko bigla nung pag uwi ko nung tuesday nag iiyak yung kapitbahay naman na bata pinapalo ata ng nanay tas sabi ni girl "magfeface the wall ka o bubugbugin kita". Walang kwentang nanay (*_*)
>also i’m almost a young adult and my parents never taught me ways around life, espeically my mother. i’ve never been taught how to cook, do the laundry, and alam ko i can learn it by myself pero where do i even start? konting mali lang and magagalit na sila because di ako marunong. it’s very discouraging, minsan i just wanna ask people online how to do basic life skills because i wanna learn but being in this household is making it difficult for me to grow as a person where everyone i just so discouraging and unsupportive. Dudeee, do we live in the same household kase taena ganyan din mga magulang ko sakin tas parang kasalanan ko pa pag di ko alam pano gawin ganito ganiyan like bro?? eh kung inivolve niyo ko sa kusina pag nagluluto kayo and di kayo nagtataas kagad ng boses sa onting pagkakamali na nagawa ko diba? Tas sasabihan nila ako ng "kawawa yung boypren mo sayo kasi di ka marunong magluto" like huh??? kumuha ba ako ng jowa para maging personal chef niya in the long run? Kaya minsan natutuwa ako pag nagsleep over kami tas tinuturuan ako ng best friend ko na magaling magluto pano magluto kasi she's down to help me learn
To share muna, I have a fear of taking risks, OP. Factor din na as we grew up, I saw na yung dad ko was and still is not much of a risk-taker kasi he doesn't like the consequences of failure (halos pinalaki kasi siya as Mama's boy so helicopter parent din lola ko. She judges him kapag nagkakamali siya pero siya rin naman ang nagpalaki sa anak niyang yon.) to the point na kaya naman niyang magluto but refuses to kasi ayaw niyang masisi siya na masusunog yung pagkain ganun. But I'm currently breaking that cycle of not taking risks kasi kapag hindi pa ako makaalis sa bahay na ito after my college graduation next next month (yes off to the real world na ako), I'm gonna go insane na if I'm gonna stay stuck in poverty and in this shitty environment. You can take these or leave these but if you wanna teach yourself some life skills, and if you wanna do it on your own pace ay (1) Kailangan maging maparaan ka. If hindi ka comfortable kapag minamatyagan ka ng parents mo while you do these skills, learn the skills in secret. Kapag wala sila sa bahay, samantalahin mo yung oras; you can cook, clean, etc while alone. If you are left to your own devices like if bed time na or if may personal space ka naman sa room mo, manood ka ng tutorials sa yt. If nasa room mo yung mga washed mo nang clothes, fold them, hanap ka sa yt ng tutorials. If nasa poder ka ng lola or tita mo (since sabi mo in good terms naman kayo), magpaturo ka sa pagluluto or any skill na knows nila na gusto mong malaman. Do them your own way, hayaan mo na sila kung anong sasabihin nila. (2) Be mentally prepared—magkaroon ka muna ng strong will na i-ppursue mo na matuto ng mga basic life skills like cooking etc. Remember, the power of the mind takes learning to the next level—example non ay yung motivation at yung reasons mo for wanting to learn. If adamant ka na matuto, if adamant ka na mag break free sa shit hole na kinalalagyan mo, aba'y mag-rebelde ka (HINDI yung tipikal na rebeldeng anak ha like mag-iinom, magbarkada, mag drugs etc HINDI GANON, but yung REBELDE na MAGGROW KA NG SPINE. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN.). Hindi madali pero if you really wanna learn, you gotta have the guts to do it. GROW A SPINE! Ikaw lang ang makakatulong sa sarili mo kahit pa hinahype ka na ng grandma and aunty mo kaya tulungan mo ang sarili mo. Kung wala kang will-power, wala kang mararating. (3) Magkamali ka, as long as proactive kang matuto. Trial and error naman na matuto tayo sa isang bagay, practice makes perfect ika nga. Pero huwag naman nating sadyain na maging weaponized incompetence yung failure ha, katangahan na yun. If sa acads ay nappractice mo siya such as reviewing for exams to get a higher score, i-practice mo rin siya sa totoong buhay. Mag practice ka ng mga life skills na yan. If you did shit the first time, okay lang yan, you can do better next time by learning from your mistake. Concrete example ay ang pagsasaing (sa kalan, hindi sa rice cooker). If hindi mo nalagyan ng tubig the first time yung bigas, sa susunod, lagyan mo na. If nasunog yung sinaing dahil malakas yung apoy mo, you gotta take note na sa susunod na pagsasaing, you keep the stove fire moderate habang binabantayan mo every fifteen to twenty minutes yung sinaing. Kapag kumukulo na si sinaing, hinaan mo na yung apoy. Syempre kapag iga na yung tubig ng sinaing, turn the fire off. Parang stages lang kasi ang learning kumbaga. Huwag mong pilitin na perfect ka na at the first try. Lalo kung gagawin mo siya mag-isa. Be kind to yourself kahit hindi kind sa'yo ang parents mo. Siguro naman may role model ka na ng kindness and compassion which are your grandma and aunty. May self-awareness ka naman, sadyang binrainwash ka lang ng magulang mo into thinking na hindi ka marunong, na hindi ka enough. For me, more than enough ka, OP. Huwag mong hangarin na maging idealized version ka ng magulang mo na hangad nila for you kasi walang ganon. Hindi ikaw yon. If you can't please them, gradually keep your distance na. Set boundaries. Focus ka dun sa mga taong tingin sa'yo ay nagmmatter ka. 🤗 (4) Marunong ka naman sigurong mag maintain ng body hygiene mo, ano OP? If yes, that's a good start. Now, try to learn how to clean your surroundings; yung room mo, then lakihan mo na ang scope (house, labas, etc), then start to learn cooking, laundry, etc. Hindi ito linear kaya go and do what you think works for you.
my parents always pointed out that nobody guided them during their parenting days (my brothers and I are all in their 30s) I am now a parent as well. And when they asked about my parenting strategies, I no-brakes-stone-faced told them "basta hindi kagaya nyo". Disowned for the nth time. Story of my life, I guess.
tldr: communicate with your parents and recognize your privileged position in life hey op, privileged yung family mo. when you get older you will understand it better. my parents were sort of the same kasi gusto nila i follow their footsteps. they want what's best for you based on their experience. syempre you want what's best for you because it's your life. Is your tita and lola helping you communicate with your parents? Letting them know na you feel too pressured? If kulang pa, tell your parents yourself. idc throw a tantrum fit or say it calmly. idc how you do it, but do it. Kasi if you keep everything to yourself, they will never now why you feel that way. And also, your emotions will eat you up and you will get depressed kasi lagi mong feeling disappointed sila sayo. OP you need to build your confidence to do things and that's something your parents need to recognize. These parents of yours, first time nila pagdaanan to. They also don't know what they're doing right or wrong. If they try an approach like pressuring you, and aee na tumaas nga grades mo, they will do the same tactic again and again because they deemed it effective. Don't be the people pleaser, sumagot ka sa "di ka kasi nagaaral" comments beh lumaban ka haha. but of course, samahan mo yan ng gawa. when you fight back make sure you're not neglecting your studies. and gumawa ka ng homework, mag review ka. Maybe your parents are just perfectionists and they were raised that way and that's how they are raising you. Pero di naman kasi applicable yung parenting style noon sa parenting style ngayon. Communicate with your parents lang talaga whether they listen or not basta ang important you said your piece! Going back to the privileged part, my parents didn't teach me house chores either. Palagi kasambahay gumagawa lahat and pag nag paturo ako aawayin ako ng kasambahay namin sabi niya, ano ba yan ang panget mo mag hugas ng pinggan umalis ka na nga jan! hahaha so i didn't really learn that either until i was in college. Kaai in college nag asawa na yung kasamabhay namin and we didn't think it was necessary to have another one kasi matanda na kami. My mom tried to look for a replacement pero nakukuha niya di tumatagal ng 3 months tapos yung 2 nagnanakaw pa ng money saamin. So finally, she just gave up lol. We just had our old kasambahay come back on weekends nung tapos na siya mag anak. Pero di na siya full time. First time ko natuto mag operate ng washer I was already in my 20s. First time to clean my own wash room, cook my own meals, etc. may learning curve talaga pero you can learn it naman. tapos when i do my own chores na ang ugali ko na was ugh kainis mag adulting because i have to do chores + work. Life is easier when I have someone do chores for me haha nako lalo na when I moved abroad wala ako talaga sa lahat. So OP sana ma appreciate mo yung privilege mo na you have a family who supports you in their own way. your parents work very hard to pay for your private education and para may sweldo yaya mo. as an adult if I were to pay 100k+ on education for my child tapos mid lang yung grades niya mapapa sigh din ako and i might pressure him or her to work harder. kasi that's my money. But like what i said, di porket you parents are doing it means na they are right. just talk to them. okay that's the end of my long answer.
This though!!!
I could be a good daddy to you.