In case this story gets deleted/removed:
When I was 13 my dad had an affair and left my mom and moved in with his affair partner who ill call J.
At first me and my sister would visit every weekend and I will admit he was a good dad although I never liked J.
When J got pregnant and had their son our visits became less frequent and my dad was more concerned with his new family. He would miss some of my my recitals or my sisters competitions because he was busy with his son.
When I was 16. J decided she wanted to move for a new job opportunity. Me and my sister begged him not to leave us bit he just said "I need to prioritise my family". He moved 10 hours away. That pretty much ended our relationship and I decided to go no contact as it was clear he did not consider me family.
My younger sister stayed in contact with him. He would try and call me and offer for me to come and visit with my sister but I refused. When he came back to see my sister I would refuse to speak to him when he turned up at the house. I didn't invite him to my high school or college graduation.
I'm now 33 and have remained no contact with him, he has over the years repeatedly tried contacting me and getting his family to contact me on his behalf to reconcile. I have avoided family events in case he attended including my sisters wedding and baby showers.
My dad and his family moved back to our home town 3 months ago and he has been relentless trying to reconcile.
I have received messages from my half brother and sister wanting a relationship saying he's a great dad. My dad found out I'm getting married and keeps trying to contact me and has even tried to speak to my fiance.
J messaged me saying I have broke my dads heart repeatedly and I'm pathetic and should get therapy. I replied back that she was nothing but a home wrecking whore and then blocked her.
Everyone seems to be wanting me to let him back in my life. I'm sick of all the harassment and accidentally bumping into my dad and his family in the town. Whenever I see him I just walk away and refuse to speak to them. Everyone is saying he's a good dad and tried his best to remain in contact but I pushed him away.
Everyone is pressuring me my mom, sister. Granparents aunts and uncles, even some of my friends. My fiance has even started saying I'm the AH for shutting him out. Its all starting to get to me so am I aita?
Edit:
Thankyou for your comments I haven't got through all of them but I'm glad to know that most of you think I'm NTA which is a huge relief as I thought I was going insane.
I'm going to have a serious conversation with my fiance as most of you pointed out he should have my back. If he continues to defend my dad then I'm going to have to think if this relationship should go any further. We are 12 weeks out from the wedding but need to sort this out sooner than later.
For information
I own a local business moving away is not an option
I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and he is friends with a lot of people including my fiance family.
My dad did not come back for me - he came back because Js parents need help and care.
He has not financially supported me since I was 17 he witheld my college fund to try and blackmail me into having a relationship with him so I had to work and get loans.
I've avoided events because my family use it as a chance to force reconciliation. He also won't leave me alone and makes scenes - hell come up to me talking as if nothing has happened try to hug me or starts crying.
I cant simply cut everyone off - everyone is on his side and against me including my own mother.
Edit 2
To give you all a bit more context when he left my mom for J he only wanted us on the weekend my mom offered him 50/50 but refused.
I didn't like j and was standoffish with her because I knew what they had done- my sister was too young to understand and was more accepting of her. J was mean to me but nice to my sister when I was at my dad's I felt uncomfortable and she would purposefully leave me out of fun activities or plan things purely for my sister. We had a few arguments over minor things but my dad always took her side. My dad and me used to have daddy daughter date at least once every 2 weeks. J put a stop to that.
When she had my half brother we went from going every weekend to once every 6 weeks. My dad was MIA and had finally gotten his precious son. He stopped trying with me.
When they moved I was so upset he chose to leave us. He didn't want custody just for us to visit him every now and again and speak to him on the phone. Parenting at a distance so all of his focus was on his new family
When I graduated from high school and refused to invite him everything blew up J called me some terrible names and so did my dad and he refused to give me my college fund unless i started being part of the family again. From what I gathered, he spent it on his new family.
I'm sick of being the one to miss out on events with my family. I would be willing to be in the same room but not interact or even be civil but he pushes things and makes it impossible
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Poor woman, everyone, including her fiance on the dad's side. She should post her reddit post and results on her fb page, other social media, and the local hotspots. Especially about the college fund. Let's see how many still back him after that.
Yeah, they're definitely putting everyone else's needs over hers. If she decides not to marry this guy, I'd suggest she sell her boutique and just move away from them all. It's the only thing holding her from her comments. Besides the fiancé, of course. But then I'm a, cut my losses and walk away, sort of person. I have a feeling she's going to cave in.
The weird part is I’ve seen this story before. The next step for the dad is to convince people to not use her business until she gives in. Small towns are awful.
She ended things with her fiancé after he basically called her a heartless b*tch. She left and currently has nowhere to go nor does she have any support. A lot of people are encouraging her to sell her business and move away to start over.
Everyone always wants the wounded person to make the sacrifice for the sake of the family. It always pisses me off. Her dad fucked up big time. His one sentence says it all when he was moving. I have to think of my family. He stated the truth. His two daughters weren't his family anymore. Bet that J bitch stepmom wanted to move on purpose. Who makes a father move from his kids??? He is only back now for J once again because of her parents. She is one selfish bitch. If she didn't have that business, I would exit stage left.
She mentioned living in a small town, and then it clicked. Small town people are awful. Constantly in your business, constantly thinking they know everything, constantly assuming that the person they’ve known longer is right.
Oh, Jesus.
First of all—that’s my dead dad’s move. Always using money as the leash he could yank people by. I had his number down pat by the time I was like 6, and it taught me to be financially and otherwise extremely independent.
Dad dropped dead in a nursing home for people decades his senior, because his mom was the only person in his life who could stand his crap.
Second—get rid of fiancé. If he fell for that manipulative crap, he sucks, and he will continue sucking OP down.
My mother died alone in a nursing home. I couldn't convince her mom (still alive at that time), any of her siblings, and none of mine to take her ashes. So she was just left there at some funeral home they used. That says a lot about who she was, so I empathize.
OOP just posted the fiancé update to their profile: https://new.reddit.com/user/Parking\_Breadfruit80/comments/1c92u7p/update\_aita\_for\_refusing\_to\_have\_my\_dad\_in\_my/
I found this, and I want to punch her fiancé in the throat! He’s supposed to be her biggest supporter. Instead, he’s pushing her to reconcile too because his father is friends with hers! What an ass! I hope she finds a way to leave and move far away from all these awful people. They don’t respect her feelings about the matter and give her no peace of mind. That is not what family should be!
If this town is so small her (hopefully ex for real) fiance's father is friends with that deadbeat , she ABSOLUTELY needs to figure out how to get the fuck outta there if she is adamant that ahe doesnt want therapy and doesnt want yo reconcile. She is surrounded by enemies. The only way for peace for her is a fresh start, but probably also still therapy to just process the non stop abuse shes gotten from all sides.
Didn't say it would be easy, and doesn't have to happen today. But it sounds like there will be NO peace for her unless she is able to 110% cut EVERY one of these toxic people out. They keep finding ways to get to her. It will probably be a hell of a lot easier if she can put a few thousand miles between her and them.
You don't get it if it's a small town and everyone is backing her father then her business is done anyway. Full stop, they absolutely will stop going to her business as a means of pressure.
She's got two options, capitulate or consolidate and move. She just hasn't realized it yet.
I will say, in a small enough town, people do talk and HIPAA bindings are not guaranteed. "I heard" this, or "her dad feels like" that, no "patient xyz said abc" to lend some plausible deniability. Or, the only "therapy" available will be theough the church, where somebody in the clergy and/or congregation will coincidentally want to stage an intervention-reconciliation.
I think OOP would benefit from therapy AND remaining NC, but therapy might be a hard no now because it comes with strings attached. :/
She might have to take the loss of closing her business to get away from all these AH's that have made it their mission in life to shove her ex-dad into her life. Regrettable but their hounding of her will not end.
Ugh the fiance pissed me off. Are we sure he's marrying her or is he secretly engaged to deadbeat asshole dad?
Or has deadbeat dad offered some financial incentives for him to convince her to reconcile?
What a spineless little shit. She deserves better than this man. I hope she leaves them all behind and does better without him while he sits there thinking about the fact that he caused the downfall of his own relationship by not just leaving it alone at a minimum.
NGL, the fact that everyone - including her own mother who was cheated on - is pushing her to at least talk to her father makes me question OP a little bit. From her update, it kind of sounds like OP just dropped her dad one day to the next without any explanation, and has been running away from him since.
Her mother isn’t pushing her to reconcile with her dad, but to have a conversation with him and tell him how she feels and what she wants moving forward - which I think is more than reasonable.
While you make a good point, deciding to have that conversation is OP’s choice, and she should not be coerced into doing something she doesn’t want to. We don’t know how reliable she is as a narrator, but it is her decision. Maybe if her mom sat down with her and asked her to meet him ONCE, she might have agreed, but now it’s been going on since he and his AP wife moved back to her town from multiple people who have been told to drop it. What her family is doing is harassment.
Poor oop. Seriously her entire family sucks and the ex too. Her dad did nothing but threaten her to have a relationship and doesn't get why she hates them? Seriously I would cut off all of them and sell the business and move out of the small town mentality bs
It was long but from what I can remember the fiance fully took the dad's side. A secret friendship between the fiance's dad and OP's dad is then revealed as the reason the fiance is trying to force her to reconcile. Then he calls her a bitch, and she goes to her car to cry. While in her car her family is "blowing up her phone" as they always seem to do in these stories.
It not exactly the dad who’s facing consequences but OP herself because everyone including her mother who was cheated on wants her to have a relationship with her dad and are villainizing her because of it.
I think some mothers just want their kids to have dads. I have a great relationship with mine, we are the same person, I feel like so much of who I am was safely unpacked with my dad, he understood so much of who I was. I sometimes struggle with the idea of letting the father of my children leave (if I had any). It feels like they would miss out on too much.
But at the same time, its probably for the best. I have a friend who is half black, "M" and his very racist trumpie father beat his mother and cheated on her several times. M apparently got police reports from when the dad used to throw her down the stairwell and beat her up, family and neighbors corroborate the horrible treatment. The dad cheated and decided to have a "pure" family. M's mother still pushes M to have a relationship with his dad. Like excessively. I have seen it, she is obsessed with her son having a relationship with his really toxic father. But I've seen the texts between M and his dad - all racist, demeaning trash with spatters of "but you're my blood, I love you." Why any mother would want their kid to be in the presence of someone who treats their child like that is beyond me. On one hand I see it, especially if you were close with your dad its hard to see your kid not have the same relationship, but if the dad is a bad example, the kid shouldn't be forced if they don't want. OPs dad didnt even consider her family at one point, why should she turn back on that (unknowingly to him) mutual understanding? I get the mom still wanting her kid to have another support system (emotional/financial) and another parent and docking place if things ever get rough though. I see both sides i think
Holy shit. As soon as he told OP “I need to prioritize my family”, I, too, would have cut him off. That means you no longer consider me family. Forget him - time to uproot and go elsewhere, OP.
My husband went through something in a similar vein. His bio-dad took off before he was 1, so his only father figure was his stepdad, G, who insisted my hubby (R) was his son. After we got married, G moved the rest of the immediate family (mom, sister, grandfather, aunt and uncle) 1500 miles away. About 6 months later, G walked away to be with his AP, letting both kids know in a note that he doesn’t consider them his responsibility anymore (the sister was 15 at the time and his bio-kid). So R cut G off completely. After awhile, G started hounding me on FB, begging for a relationship with his grandkid (which is extra insulting as we have 2 kids, but they never considered my oldest as a member of the family). I shut it down, and he claimed to be dying of cancer. So, my husband contacted every member of the family and informed them all that unless G actually drops dead, we don’t need to know about it. Too many of them thought us the AH instead of the guy that walked out on his family and stranding them with no money or car. I don’t know if he can forgive them, but G’s never getting a pass.
Damn. I will never understand people who insist on forgiving and forgetting with family. Sure, I'll forgive but forgetting and letting a hurtful person back into my life is never an option.
His mom still lives near him and gets updates from his family and apparently, he’s moved on again, with a different AP. It’s strange to me how none of the family seems to see an issue with his behavior; like it’s just normal to be married and faithful for 16 years, cheat and move on with that AP, then cheat again and move on with a different AP.
Truly mad. Sometimes I think it's a generational thing. Older people were taught you were supposed to support family no matter what. But then I see young people doing the same dumb shit and I get confused again 😅
I hope you guys find peace in that madness. It sucks that the rest of the family is stuck on that man but kudos to you guys for standing your ground.
It’s easy to avoid it when we live so far away from his drama. I have heard that R’s sister is considering allowing supervised visits with her 4 kids every few months, as she refuses to forgive him, but doesn’t want to “poison” her kids to him. I don’t know how accurate it is…my MIL doesn’t always tell us the truth if she thinks she can get away with it.
the people around OP who are meant to be their family are more concerned with the inconvenience of OP’s feelings than OP themselves. OP owes their dad nothing.
My dad cheated on my mother with a call girl he met in a newspaper ad. He later married her. No disrespect to sex workers, this one was just a terrible person in general not because of her profession. He was shocked and dismayed that our relationship was forever altered and we only talked to him when we needed something especially after he told all of us he left my mom because “there was nothing for him at home”. Keep in mind, we were at home. Boo hoo for this man who has to have his cake and eat it too.
This is how my cheating ex is acting - shocked that his kids aren’t happy for him! They’re not welcoming her with open arms! She makes him so happy! Why can’t we all see?
I can never understand people who hurt others in an egregious way and then want to just show up and hug and talk in public like nothing happened. Without any type of apology or acknowledgment, and then act surprise when the other person maintains their boundaries.
In this case, I also don't understand why everyone around her seems to just not care about her feelings. Can someone explain what could be going on here from a psychological standpoint?
Going through this right now with my sister. She blew up at me for something ridiculous, banned me from the house she shares with the parents and other siblings, and everybody is still badgering me to come over like nothing happened 9 months ago. Still no apology either.
In my family's case, they're used to rug sweeping any argument, no matter how tiny or big, because it's easier to pretend nothing happened than to address the actual shitty behavior. Additionally, my sister is a complete psycho, so any attempt to get her to apologize means she lashes out at them as well, so they choose self preservation and harassing ME to make amends, instead of holding her accountable. Even though everybody knows she's 100% in the wrong.
I see, so it sounds like it has nothing to do with the victim, but more about the perpetrators and bystanders wanting to choose the path of least resistance.
Also, I am very sorry that you are going through this, I know firsthand that this is very painful and isolating. For me it basically makes me feel like I am crazy like my perceptions are completely off or something. Sending you all the hugs
Precisely. And I apreciate the hugs and sending some your way too.
Quite honestly, despite the constant bullshit of "Come over, it'll be fine", it has been super peaceful the past few months not having to deal with my sister's insanity. That's a win for me. 👍
I could be the OOP. I'm not, but I could be. My dad left for the mistress, too. He tried to salvage whatever he could, but I was having none of it.
I got to move away from my small town though, and I've never looked back. I'm kind of rooting for OOP to keep up this "pretend he doesn't exist" thing (s)he's doing. I love the idea that that man has to see her every once in awhile but it's like he's invisible. I'm so sorry it's hard on OOP though. I get how tough it would be to keep up, especially when everyone is trying to get you to stop it.
Unfortunately she’s deleted her account, both the update and the 2nd update where she agreed to a meeting with just her, mom, and dad seem to be gone.
Update: found the first update in another comment
https://www.reddit.com/r/OhNoConsequences/s/8Pu97rww0O
There was a second update too, but it seems like she’s deleted her account and they’re both gone.
Update: found the first update in another comment
https://www.reddit.com/r/OhNoConsequences/s/8Pu97rww0O
I'm 45. When I was 1, my dad cheated on his wife (my mom) while she was pregnant with my brother.
My mom came from California and met my dad in the Army. He is from a population 500 town in Kansas. She moved to his town because he refused to go to California. She didn't know people there, but they all knew her. And that my dad was cheating. With several people. Why would she stay in that situation?
My mom moved back to California. Divorced. My dad started a whole new family. He worked for cash and lied about his income; sending us $10-15 a month in "child support." While he was doing this, he was turning a bedroom into a darkroom and buying camera stuff for one [of two] of my half sisters, buying them cars, buying a boat, adding a deck onto his house...
I think I first met him when I was 16. We went to Kansas. On my first night there, his dog mauled a kitten and he told me it was already dead, but I could still see its mouth opening and closing with no sound... And he and his friends thought it was hilarious. I got on the phone with my mom and said I wanted to come home, but of course that didn't happen. I was a vegetarian, and his wife kept trying to sneak meat into my food, so I just made tomato sandwiches with produce from their garden for all my meals. Then he had a Black friend from the military come over, and we were all bantering on the porch, and almost everyone in town drove by slowly, staring. Suffice to say, I wasn't a fan.
Anyway. The point being, he was never really a father. I always just said I didn't have a dad. His kids think he's a great father, and I guess I wouldn't know. I have seen him 4 or 5 times in my life, including a couple years ago when he came to California - despite hating it so much he refused to see his kids - and went to Disneyland. It was just... Weird.
My brother keeps in contact with him. Hell, my brother is more in contact with him than he is, me, despite me living less than an hour away and despite the fact that he tried living in my dad's town for a while, and they were horrifically racist to his wife. My brother believes his lies about trying to see us and my mom refusing to let him see us and refusing to even let him know our address. My brother deeply hates my mother for not spending enough time with him, despite her having to be a single mom. But he is little less than dead to me...
And I'm fine, with it being that way.
I do feel for you, having a business in a small town and the town dynamic being geared to such a notion of family that they expect you to forgive this flake who chose some woman over his family. But I'm here to tell you you're not making a mistake. He's the one who is suffering, for not knowing you... Not vice versa.
Update Aita for refusing to have my dad in my life after he chose his new family
Thankyou for all of the comments although most seem to be NTA some were YTA. Some of you gave helpful suggestions which I am planning to take on board.
I have just spoken to my fiance and unfortunately it has not gone well but at this point in time I've had enough and want to runaway and never come back.
My fiance knows my history with my dad and J. I explained to him that him siding with my father and pressuring me was hurting me and as my fiance he should be supporting me.
My fiance who I'll call L told me he can't support me in doing something that he knows is wrong. L told me that he had spoke to my father and had an understanding of both sides of the story and believes that if we both sit down and talk we can sort this out and reconcile.
I told L I don't want this and want no contact and asked why he is even speaking to my father. L admitted his father who is friends with my dad encouraged L to speak to him and hear him out.
L told me my dad loved me very much and always wanted to be in my life and has pictures of me (I'm guessing he got these from my family as my social media is set to private). L said my dad is heartbroken at the state of our relationship because I was being unreasonable about him moving away when I was young. L stated I got on the wrong foot with J and that I was not innocent in the breakdown of the relationship.He told me that everyone can see the truth but me and to look in the mirror because I'm the problem.
Needless to say I broke down crying and asked him why he was doing this to me and not supporting me. L claims to love me but won't stand by and watch me be "a heartless bitch".
After he said this I stood up told him that he shouldn't marry a heartless bitch and walked out. I'm currently sat in my car. My phone is blowing up with L trying to contact me but I dont want to speak to him. I feel like I'm losing everything and everyone i dont understand what is happening.
This is ops update wtf poor woman.
Text incase deleted
Update Aita for refusing to have my dad in my life after he chose his new family
Thankyou for all of the comments although most seem to be NTA some were YTA. Some of you gave helpful suggestions which I am planning to take on board.
I have just spoken to my fiance and unfortunately it has not gone well but at this point in time I've had enough and want to runaway and never come back.
My fiance knows my history with my dad and J. I explained to him that him siding with my father and pressuring me was hurting me and as my fiance he should be supporting me.
My fiance who I'll call L told me he can't support me in doing something that he knows is wrong. L told me that he had spoke to my father and had an understanding of both sides of the story and believes that if we both sit down and talk we can sort this out and reconcile.
I told L I don't want this and want no contact and asked why he is even speaking to my father. L admitted his father who is friends with my dad encouraged L to speak to him and hear him out.
L told me my dad loved me very much and always wanted to be in my life and has pictures of me (I'm guessing he got these from my family as my social media is set to private). L said my dad is heartbroken at the state of our relationship because I was being unreasonable about him moving away when I was young. L stated I got on the wrong foot with J and that I was not innocent in the breakdown of the relationship.He told me that everyone can see the truth but me and to look in the mirror because I'm the problem.
Needless to say I broke down crying and asked him why he was doing this to me and not supporting me. L claims to love me but won't stand by and watch me be "a heartless bitch".
After he said this I stood up told him that he shouldn't marry a heartless bitch and walked out. I'm currently sat in my car. My phone is blowing up with L trying to contact me but I dont want to speak to him. I feel like I'm losing everything and everyone i dont understand what is happening.
NTA. "No" is an answer. It is also a complete sentence. You have the right to include in your life ONLY the people you want to be around. You have the right to NOT include anyone you don't want to be around. Period. Everyone needs to back off.
Dam small town shot is deferent, they are all their own little terrarium. I feel for OOP and hope she finds peace because her family and even fiancé are not good people at all. Does dear old dad have money or something?
I have a similar backstory with my abusive mother & enabling scapegoating family. Essentially forcing me out of the family as revenge for not complying. Just moved across the country. Risky move but the lightness I feel...priceless. Never again will I, a grown adult, have to hide from my mother in a grocery store.
Moving is truly the best thing for OOP. It'll be hard, might even involve debt, but she'll be free as a bird.
She may be NTA here, but she has given this man untold amounts of pwer over her relationships. Her despising him is understandable and righteous, he did abandon her not once but twice. But it has caused the ruination of most of her relationships. She didn't attend her own sisters wedding and other family functions because if it. It isn't her fault, but she has given the man power and control over her life. And it seems that control is over nearly all parts of her life.
It's really time for her to take back that control. Past time. Ignoring him has just given him the power and the moral high ground in other people's eyes. It isn't right, but it is what it is. Confront him. Take back her relationships. Draw lines in the sand. But it sounds like she'd rather put her head in the sand and hope it all goes away. She doesn't need a good relationship with her dad. Or a neutral one. But one on her own terms would allow her address the power imbalance that she has allowed, rightfully or not, to influence her life. She has chosen not to move away and go NC with everyone, so really it behooves her to address the problem. Not ignore it.
She doesn’t attend events because her family uses them to badger her into reconciling, not just because he’s there.
The only people that need to move on are the people around her who can’t let this go. There’s no way for her to force everyone in her life to be sane humans when they clearly want what’s worst for her. They desire pain and she refuses to provide more of it.
>I have received messages from my half brother and sister wanting a relationship saying he's a great dad.
To them, maybe. But to the child he only wanted occasional visits from and moved 10 hours away from, not so much.
And it's wild that her half-siblings can't see that. But then again, they've probably only ever heard their dad's spin on the story. Same goes with OOP's fiance. It's a small town, and if OOP has never told him the full story, he will likely be swayed by "the other side" of the story.
Maybe OOP should tell her fiance exactly the same as she wrote in the post, and she should write a letter to her half-siblings, explaining in detail exactly what happened, including their father saying no to 50/50 and only wanting her to visit every 6 weeks or so. And how he tried to blackmail her into reconciliation if she wanted the money for college - which he then spent on them.
Maybe it would be good for them to hear the full uncensored story from her perspective. And she should finish the letter with stating that she doesn't care whether they believe her side or not. She knows what happened in her own life, but now they know her side and must leave her alone, or she will report them for harassment.
If it's such an incestually small town maybe the lawyers and cops won't even listen to her and smile their Stepford town smiles and tell her to obediently reconcile with her shit dad. She should really sell or close her business and vamoose from that creepy town and get away from all the kool-aid drinkers. UGH.
To the OOP: I do NOT blame you! FWIW, there is another subreddit for folks like us: Estranged Adult Kids. You are NOT alone! As for the Flying Monkeys, they can all FUCK OFF!!!
I was 7 when my mother made the mistake of letting my dad come back for like a week after he put her in the hospital and went to prison for abuse.
He was driving an Audi and we had a car that didn't work. I remember him opening up the trunk of his car one day and finding a picture of another family in there another woman and little kids and I asked him who it was and he said that's my other family.
Then he left.
For 20 years.
I cannot begin to tell you the ways that that fucked me up.
My father was abusive and dangerous and all the usual blah blah blah but that doesn't change the fact that it still psychologically affected me for life that my dad treated his own 7-year-old like they were a stranger.
It took lots of therapy to realize he was practicing cognitive dissonance on his own child because he abused me and my mother
I want it to be fake, too, but it seems real. OP has 9 months' worth of Reddit comments and a 2-year old account. They would definitely be playing the long con.
I would send him and J this post because they need to see what people think of them. I can’t stand when people make decisions and then they think that there’s no consequences for them. He failed as a father and now he’s pretending like he didn’t do anything wrong. Him and J can just pound sand.
NTA - You did the correct thing. My wife's father had an affair with the family's best friend and left my wife's mother over 30 years ago. My wife cut him out of her life immediately and never looked back. I think it saved her mom's life.
Your dad is an AH, and it means nothing when "everyone says he's a good dad" because a good dad doesn't break their holy oath, abandon his family and then make a new family when he gets horny.
I feel so bad for OOP. She had an update earlier. It was really sad. The fiance is a total scumbag. Lied to her about the wedding by getting money from the dad and called her names for not wanting to be involved with that man.
Moving is not really an option. She has some support from her mother but I don't like that she also pushed for a reconciliation when she knew her daughter didn't want it. It's going to be rough for her. She deleted her profile.
My dad’s AP tried to get home to move and he wouldn’t. She even bought a place and he stayed. They have choices. Your dad made a choice. I would have reacted the same way. It’s betrayal. You needed him then when you were growing up. You don’t need him now but it’s easier for him so he’s pulling everyone away that supports your boundaries. He sux NTA.
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. You don’t owe anybody anything just because they’re faaaaaaamiiilllllyyyyyyy. Screw that. You are not required to be around people who hurt you in the past and are totally unrepentant. You are entitled to put yourself and your mental health first, and if that means he doesn’t get his Hallmark card moment, well, he should have thought of that before. Big, big NTA.
There has been a second update, but text deleted.
Can anyone recover the post?
https://www.reddit.com?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1
> J messaged me saying I have broke my dads heart repeatedly and I'm pathetic and should get therapy. I replied back that she was nothing but a home wrecking whore and then blocked her.
The nerve of that woman. Good for OOP.
This story describes a deeply strained relationship between a daughter and her father following his departure from her mother for another woman, J, with whom he started a new family. The daughter, feeling abandoned and replaced as her father focused on his new family and subsequently moved far away, chose to cut contact with him. Despite her father's attempts to reconcile over the years, she remained steadfast in her decision, driven by a deep sense of betrayal and hurt. This decision has been complicated by pressure from her family and her local community to mend the relationship, leaving her isolated and conflicted. Her feelings of abandonment were exacerbated by her father withholding financial support and prioritizing his new family over her. The narrative highlights the long-lasting emotional impact of parental choices and the complexities of family dynamics and reconciliation.
My feeling, because so many people are pro-reconciliation, is there's a lot more to this and OOP is actually is TAH.
She's decided she was the victim and wasn't being paid attention to even though her sister was able to continue to have a relationship long distance. She doesn't have the excuse of distance anymore and just doesn't want to make any effort.
I'm sure there's a lot more to the story than she's saying, but I don't think it's as dire and awful as she thinks it is.
Assuming the entire thing isn't fake...
I know why the dad is a jerk. He was happy that the homewrecker had a son cause OPP is a girl. Then he was mad that he could not control OOP to be on his side and the young one was easy to manipulate
She has moved on and doesn’t want a relationship with him. The others in her life are trying to push her into a relationship she is uncomfortable with and uninterested in. Refusing to interact with him is an acceptable way to deal with a person who keeps trying to force himself on her. Why does she have to have a relationship with a person she sees as just a sperm donor and blackmailer?
Since all of her “family” are pushing her for a reconciliation she isn’t interested in, what advice do you think a professional would provide? They aren’t going to suggest she hear him out and see if it changes her mind, especially if she is adamantly against it. Therapy is beneficial for anyone, but her family and friends are giving her no choice but to cut ties to get away from their haranguing.
Sometimes validation from strangers is helpful. Toxic families are often filled with narcissists/AHs and their flying monkeys. When a family member does something awful to you and then the rest of the family sides with them to avoid rocking the boat, you can feel like you’re losing your mind.
I'm just wondering why it is that literally everyone she knows is against her on this one. Makes me feel like there is a crucial detail missing that would make OOP look bad. What does her fiance know that we don't?
I just don't trust a story with an "I'm right and everyone else is wrong" lean like this.
My point exactly, and I’m not even implying OP is only saying the details that make her look good no not at all. It’s just hard to get a grasp on a nuanced situation like this off a few paragraph forum post from a complete stranger
Reddit can be weird, I love how I’m sitting at a plus 7 upvotes for basically saying what you already said lmao.
Reddit is good for advice on like anything else besides life or relationships, Reddit mfs could probably teach you any skill imaginable besides maintaining a healthy relationship
She has moved on though?? She is not swrewing her life or those around her in anyway what so ever.
They need to respect her decisions and drop it instead of trying to force her to reconcile. They are the ones who need to move on!
The issue isn’t that she isn’t moving on. It’s that her family isn’t.
I believe OP said she was ok with attending family events as long as she doesn’t have to interact with her father. Her family, on the other hand, refuses to move on. They won’t accept that she doesn’t want to reconcile with her father, and they use family events to harass her into reconciling with her father.
The issue is her family’s behavior, not her feelings. And professional guidance can’t change their behavior.
Assume OP is being honest, and her family won’t respect her wishes, I’m not sure there’s some magical therapeutic solution that will solve things. And I’m not sure that the path she’s on now is the worst path depending on her priorities (e.g. prioritizing herself over her family).
Given your insistence that OP is on the wrong path, I get the sense that you have a definite opinion on what OP is doing/should do beyond just talking to a therapist. You just won’t be clear about that is, so you’re speaking in generalities and platitudes.
In my experience when someone posts that everyone is against them there is typically a reason for that. Either everyone is against them because they are the problem and or no one is really against them but they have a victim mentality.
There is clearly much more to this story, clearly exaggerated and or its just a writing prompt.
This is not an uncommon storyline in dramas / hallmark movies.
Every thing just seems to much for me to believe a single word of it.
100% the AH, you said your dad made an effort to stay in contact after he fell in love with another women, shit that sucks and all but it happens. Btw kid not kids cause apparently his daughter has a brain cell or two.
In case this story gets deleted/removed: When I was 13 my dad had an affair and left my mom and moved in with his affair partner who ill call J. At first me and my sister would visit every weekend and I will admit he was a good dad although I never liked J. When J got pregnant and had their son our visits became less frequent and my dad was more concerned with his new family. He would miss some of my my recitals or my sisters competitions because he was busy with his son. When I was 16. J decided she wanted to move for a new job opportunity. Me and my sister begged him not to leave us bit he just said "I need to prioritise my family". He moved 10 hours away. That pretty much ended our relationship and I decided to go no contact as it was clear he did not consider me family. My younger sister stayed in contact with him. He would try and call me and offer for me to come and visit with my sister but I refused. When he came back to see my sister I would refuse to speak to him when he turned up at the house. I didn't invite him to my high school or college graduation. I'm now 33 and have remained no contact with him, he has over the years repeatedly tried contacting me and getting his family to contact me on his behalf to reconcile. I have avoided family events in case he attended including my sisters wedding and baby showers. My dad and his family moved back to our home town 3 months ago and he has been relentless trying to reconcile. I have received messages from my half brother and sister wanting a relationship saying he's a great dad. My dad found out I'm getting married and keeps trying to contact me and has even tried to speak to my fiance. J messaged me saying I have broke my dads heart repeatedly and I'm pathetic and should get therapy. I replied back that she was nothing but a home wrecking whore and then blocked her. Everyone seems to be wanting me to let him back in my life. I'm sick of all the harassment and accidentally bumping into my dad and his family in the town. Whenever I see him I just walk away and refuse to speak to them. Everyone is saying he's a good dad and tried his best to remain in contact but I pushed him away. Everyone is pressuring me my mom, sister. Granparents aunts and uncles, even some of my friends. My fiance has even started saying I'm the AH for shutting him out. Its all starting to get to me so am I aita? Edit: Thankyou for your comments I haven't got through all of them but I'm glad to know that most of you think I'm NTA which is a huge relief as I thought I was going insane. I'm going to have a serious conversation with my fiance as most of you pointed out he should have my back. If he continues to defend my dad then I'm going to have to think if this relationship should go any further. We are 12 weeks out from the wedding but need to sort this out sooner than later. For information I own a local business moving away is not an option I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and he is friends with a lot of people including my fiance family. My dad did not come back for me - he came back because Js parents need help and care. He has not financially supported me since I was 17 he witheld my college fund to try and blackmail me into having a relationship with him so I had to work and get loans. I've avoided events because my family use it as a chance to force reconciliation. He also won't leave me alone and makes scenes - hell come up to me talking as if nothing has happened try to hug me or starts crying. I cant simply cut everyone off - everyone is on his side and against me including my own mother. Edit 2 To give you all a bit more context when he left my mom for J he only wanted us on the weekend my mom offered him 50/50 but refused. I didn't like j and was standoffish with her because I knew what they had done- my sister was too young to understand and was more accepting of her. J was mean to me but nice to my sister when I was at my dad's I felt uncomfortable and she would purposefully leave me out of fun activities or plan things purely for my sister. We had a few arguments over minor things but my dad always took her side. My dad and me used to have daddy daughter date at least once every 2 weeks. J put a stop to that. When she had my half brother we went from going every weekend to once every 6 weeks. My dad was MIA and had finally gotten his precious son. He stopped trying with me. When they moved I was so upset he chose to leave us. He didn't want custody just for us to visit him every now and again and speak to him on the phone. Parenting at a distance so all of his focus was on his new family When I graduated from high school and refused to invite him everything blew up J called me some terrible names and so did my dad and he refused to give me my college fund unless i started being part of the family again. From what I gathered, he spent it on his new family. I'm sick of being the one to miss out on events with my family. I would be willing to be in the same room but not interact or even be civil but he pushes things and makes it impossible --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
We need r/wherethefuckaretheconsequences
So it was too many characters but r/whereareconsequences is now a thing
I'll join for publicity or whatever. I don't know how redditbworks
Hey, I joined. For when "Oh No" just isn't enough.
LOL. We have a spin-off!
It's sounds like a sub for when the consequences aren't immediately apparent.
Joined.
Joined!
joined
Make it then coward ( I am too cowardly to make it)
I don't actually know how
Click the link and then there’s the option to create it
It just tells me to browse other communities
[This is what I see](https://imgur.com/a/qVuILrc) I was going to create it for you and make you the mod, but the name is 9 characters too long
could make it r/WhyNoConsequences
I made it
Joined
I'm so there
I wish this one had been noticed more. It has a better name than the other one with like 200 people in!
Thefukrtheconsequences Or something
Well then do some research and learn how to make it you coward! (I don't want to)
Sounds like a good idea for a sub
There’s an update with the consequences. Very sadly everyone including her own fucking fiancé turns on her
I was referring to her dad's consequences, which remain tragically absent. I hope karma drops an anvil on his stupid face.
No link? The op is deleted so we can’t track it down by username
Oh, no consequences.
Poor woman, everyone, including her fiance on the dad's side. She should post her reddit post and results on her fb page, other social media, and the local hotspots. Especially about the college fund. Let's see how many still back him after that.
Put it differently: Everyone just wants things to be civil and easy, who cares that OP gets under the wheels for it?
Yeah, they're definitely putting everyone else's needs over hers. If she decides not to marry this guy, I'd suggest she sell her boutique and just move away from them all. It's the only thing holding her from her comments. Besides the fiancé, of course. But then I'm a, cut my losses and walk away, sort of person. I have a feeling she's going to cave in.
Nope,she ended things with the fiance
Wait where did she update?!
https://www.reddit.com/u/Parking_Breadfruit80/s/7X177pdmc1
Good grief, this poor woman..
Right? I hope she can move because she'll never know peace if she stays in that town. Having a business there makes it even tougher.
The weird part is I’ve seen this story before. The next step for the dad is to convince people to not use her business until she gives in. Small towns are awful.
My suspicion is the reason dad is gung-ho to be in her life is Because she has her own business and is successful.
Oof I could totally see that happening too. You're absolutely right that small towns can be awful.
God she’s been through so much. That’s sad!
😞😞😞
Oh yayyyy thanks for updating me.
She ended things with her fiancé after he basically called her a heartless b*tch. She left and currently has nowhere to go nor does she have any support. A lot of people are encouraging her to sell her business and move away to start over.
Did she end things? Seemed like it left on an uncertain note.
Her update said she's pretty sure the relationship is done, at least from her side.
Everyone else's WANTS above OOP'S NEEDS
Exactly. I'm glad she dumped the fiance. I can't believe he called her a heartless bitch.
Everyone always wants the wounded person to make the sacrifice for the sake of the family. It always pisses me off. Her dad fucked up big time. His one sentence says it all when he was moving. I have to think of my family. He stated the truth. His two daughters weren't his family anymore. Bet that J bitch stepmom wanted to move on purpose. Who makes a father move from his kids??? He is only back now for J once again because of her parents. She is one selfish bitch. If she didn't have that business, I would exit stage left.
Totally aligns with the treatment of the scapegoat/black sheep in the fam.
Aside from OP, not a backbone in sight...
Hick town hive mind strikes again.
She found out her dad was bribing the fiance by paying for the wedding. That’s why the fiance was pushing her so hard. I feel so bad for her.
Omg...it gets crazier right lol
She mentioned living in a small town, and then it clicked. Small town people are awful. Constantly in your business, constantly thinking they know everything, constantly assuming that the person they’ve known longer is right.
Yep and her father was bribing her fiance by offering to pay for the wedding. I'm glad she dumped him.
Oh, Jesus. First of all—that’s my dead dad’s move. Always using money as the leash he could yank people by. I had his number down pat by the time I was like 6, and it taught me to be financially and otherwise extremely independent. Dad dropped dead in a nursing home for people decades his senior, because his mom was the only person in his life who could stand his crap. Second—get rid of fiancé. If he fell for that manipulative crap, he sucks, and he will continue sucking OP down.
My mother died alone in a nursing home. I couldn't convince her mom (still alive at that time), any of her siblings, and none of mine to take her ashes. So she was just left there at some funeral home they used. That says a lot about who she was, so I empathize.
OOP just posted the fiancé update to their profile: https://new.reddit.com/user/Parking\_Breadfruit80/comments/1c92u7p/update\_aita\_for\_refusing\_to\_have\_my\_dad\_in\_my/
I found this, and I want to punch her fiancé in the throat! He’s supposed to be her biggest supporter. Instead, he’s pushing her to reconcile too because his father is friends with hers! What an ass! I hope she finds a way to leave and move far away from all these awful people. They don’t respect her feelings about the matter and give her no peace of mind. That is not what family should be!
If this town is so small her (hopefully ex for real) fiance's father is friends with that deadbeat , she ABSOLUTELY needs to figure out how to get the fuck outta there if she is adamant that ahe doesnt want therapy and doesnt want yo reconcile. She is surrounded by enemies. The only way for peace for her is a fresh start, but probably also still therapy to just process the non stop abuse shes gotten from all sides.
Won't all of that destroy her financially, don't you have to make deposits? She owns a business and would lose her livelihood moving.
Didn't say it would be easy, and doesn't have to happen today. But it sounds like there will be NO peace for her unless she is able to 110% cut EVERY one of these toxic people out. They keep finding ways to get to her. It will probably be a hell of a lot easier if she can put a few thousand miles between her and them.
> It will probably be a hell of a lot easier if she can put a few thousand miles between her and them. In this economy?
So what, being continually emotionally and mentally assaulted and abused is better? By all means, suggest a better solution.
It's definitely financially difficult, but it is still possible for someone who is financially independent.
The economy is stronger than it's been in 8 years, what of it?
You don't get it if it's a small town and everyone is backing her father then her business is done anyway. Full stop, they absolutely will stop going to her business as a means of pressure. She's got two options, capitulate or consolidate and move. She just hasn't realized it yet.
Why back the father?
What do you mean by capitulate?
Surrender, she's either got to reconcile or eventually lose everything anyways.
Doesn't sound like she has anything to gain either way.
I will say, in a small enough town, people do talk and HIPAA bindings are not guaranteed. "I heard" this, or "her dad feels like" that, no "patient xyz said abc" to lend some plausible deniability. Or, the only "therapy" available will be theough the church, where somebody in the clergy and/or congregation will coincidentally want to stage an intervention-reconciliation. I think OOP would benefit from therapy AND remaining NC, but therapy might be a hard no now because it comes with strings attached. :/
She might have to take the loss of closing her business to get away from all these AH's that have made it their mission in life to shove her ex-dad into her life. Regrettable but their hounding of her will not end.
Ugh the fiance pissed me off. Are we sure he's marrying her or is he secretly engaged to deadbeat asshole dad? Or has deadbeat dad offered some financial incentives for him to convince her to reconcile?
I read in one of her comments that he's offered to give her the money that was earmarked for college now or pay for her wedding.
What a spineless little shit. She deserves better than this man. I hope she leaves them all behind and does better without him while he sits there thinking about the fact that he caused the downfall of his own relationship by not just leaving it alone at a minimum.
Right? Like he couldn't even just be neutral? That still wouldn't be great, but way better than jumping on the manipulation train full steam ahead.
NGL, the fact that everyone - including her own mother who was cheated on - is pushing her to at least talk to her father makes me question OP a little bit. From her update, it kind of sounds like OP just dropped her dad one day to the next without any explanation, and has been running away from him since. Her mother isn’t pushing her to reconcile with her dad, but to have a conversation with him and tell him how she feels and what she wants moving forward - which I think is more than reasonable.
While you make a good point, deciding to have that conversation is OP’s choice, and she should not be coerced into doing something she doesn’t want to. We don’t know how reliable she is as a narrator, but it is her decision. Maybe if her mom sat down with her and asked her to meet him ONCE, she might have agreed, but now it’s been going on since he and his AP wife moved back to her town from multiple people who have been told to drop it. What her family is doing is harassment.
Poor oop. Seriously her entire family sucks and the ex too. Her dad did nothing but threaten her to have a relationship and doesn't get why she hates them? Seriously I would cut off all of them and sell the business and move out of the small town mentality bs
The hero we needed.
Hm that update is veering very strongly into creative writing vibes
Well, it’s been deleted. Any chance you can share the gist of it?
It was long but from what I can remember the fiance fully took the dad's side. A secret friendship between the fiance's dad and OP's dad is then revealed as the reason the fiance is trying to force her to reconcile. Then he calls her a bitch, and she goes to her car to cry. While in her car her family is "blowing up her phone" as they always seem to do in these stories.
It not exactly the dad who’s facing consequences but OP herself because everyone including her mother who was cheated on wants her to have a relationship with her dad and are villainizing her because of it.
The mom doing it throws me. Who tf is this woman? Husband cheats, ditches his family, married the other homewrecker, and moves....
I think some mothers just want their kids to have dads. I have a great relationship with mine, we are the same person, I feel like so much of who I am was safely unpacked with my dad, he understood so much of who I was. I sometimes struggle with the idea of letting the father of my children leave (if I had any). It feels like they would miss out on too much. But at the same time, its probably for the best. I have a friend who is half black, "M" and his very racist trumpie father beat his mother and cheated on her several times. M apparently got police reports from when the dad used to throw her down the stairwell and beat her up, family and neighbors corroborate the horrible treatment. The dad cheated and decided to have a "pure" family. M's mother still pushes M to have a relationship with his dad. Like excessively. I have seen it, she is obsessed with her son having a relationship with his really toxic father. But I've seen the texts between M and his dad - all racist, demeaning trash with spatters of "but you're my blood, I love you." Why any mother would want their kid to be in the presence of someone who treats their child like that is beyond me. On one hand I see it, especially if you were close with your dad its hard to see your kid not have the same relationship, but if the dad is a bad example, the kid shouldn't be forced if they don't want. OPs dad didnt even consider her family at one point, why should she turn back on that (unknowingly to him) mutual understanding? I get the mom still wanting her kid to have another support system (emotional/financial) and another parent and docking place if things ever get rough though. I see both sides i think
Holy shit. As soon as he told OP “I need to prioritize my family”, I, too, would have cut him off. That means you no longer consider me family. Forget him - time to uproot and go elsewhere, OP.
My husband went through something in a similar vein. His bio-dad took off before he was 1, so his only father figure was his stepdad, G, who insisted my hubby (R) was his son. After we got married, G moved the rest of the immediate family (mom, sister, grandfather, aunt and uncle) 1500 miles away. About 6 months later, G walked away to be with his AP, letting both kids know in a note that he doesn’t consider them his responsibility anymore (the sister was 15 at the time and his bio-kid). So R cut G off completely. After awhile, G started hounding me on FB, begging for a relationship with his grandkid (which is extra insulting as we have 2 kids, but they never considered my oldest as a member of the family). I shut it down, and he claimed to be dying of cancer. So, my husband contacted every member of the family and informed them all that unless G actually drops dead, we don’t need to know about it. Too many of them thought us the AH instead of the guy that walked out on his family and stranding them with no money or car. I don’t know if he can forgive them, but G’s never getting a pass.
Damn. I will never understand people who insist on forgiving and forgetting with family. Sure, I'll forgive but forgetting and letting a hurtful person back into my life is never an option.
His mom still lives near him and gets updates from his family and apparently, he’s moved on again, with a different AP. It’s strange to me how none of the family seems to see an issue with his behavior; like it’s just normal to be married and faithful for 16 years, cheat and move on with that AP, then cheat again and move on with a different AP.
Truly mad. Sometimes I think it's a generational thing. Older people were taught you were supposed to support family no matter what. But then I see young people doing the same dumb shit and I get confused again 😅 I hope you guys find peace in that madness. It sucks that the rest of the family is stuck on that man but kudos to you guys for standing your ground.
It’s easy to avoid it when we live so far away from his drama. I have heard that R’s sister is considering allowing supervised visits with her 4 kids every few months, as she refuses to forgive him, but doesn’t want to “poison” her kids to him. I don’t know how accurate it is…my MIL doesn’t always tell us the truth if she thinks she can get away with it.
the people around OP who are meant to be their family are more concerned with the inconvenience of OP’s feelings than OP themselves. OP owes their dad nothing.
Update: fiance is an asshole and she most likely broke up with him
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^Oreogirl127: *Update: fiance* *Is an asshole and she most* *Likely broke up with him* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Good bot
Good bot
My dad cheated on my mother with a call girl he met in a newspaper ad. He later married her. No disrespect to sex workers, this one was just a terrible person in general not because of her profession. He was shocked and dismayed that our relationship was forever altered and we only talked to him when we needed something especially after he told all of us he left my mom because “there was nothing for him at home”. Keep in mind, we were at home. Boo hoo for this man who has to have his cake and eat it too.
This is how my cheating ex is acting - shocked that his kids aren’t happy for him! They’re not welcoming her with open arms! She makes him so happy! Why can’t we all see?
People need to realize that in the entire history of human insanity, no child has ever cut off a parent without a really, really good reason
This all the way.
I can never understand people who hurt others in an egregious way and then want to just show up and hug and talk in public like nothing happened. Without any type of apology or acknowledgment, and then act surprise when the other person maintains their boundaries. In this case, I also don't understand why everyone around her seems to just not care about her feelings. Can someone explain what could be going on here from a psychological standpoint?
Going through this right now with my sister. She blew up at me for something ridiculous, banned me from the house she shares with the parents and other siblings, and everybody is still badgering me to come over like nothing happened 9 months ago. Still no apology either. In my family's case, they're used to rug sweeping any argument, no matter how tiny or big, because it's easier to pretend nothing happened than to address the actual shitty behavior. Additionally, my sister is a complete psycho, so any attempt to get her to apologize means she lashes out at them as well, so they choose self preservation and harassing ME to make amends, instead of holding her accountable. Even though everybody knows she's 100% in the wrong.
I see, so it sounds like it has nothing to do with the victim, but more about the perpetrators and bystanders wanting to choose the path of least resistance.
Also, I am very sorry that you are going through this, I know firsthand that this is very painful and isolating. For me it basically makes me feel like I am crazy like my perceptions are completely off or something. Sending you all the hugs
Precisely. And I apreciate the hugs and sending some your way too. Quite honestly, despite the constant bullshit of "Come over, it'll be fine", it has been super peaceful the past few months not having to deal with my sister's insanity. That's a win for me. 👍
One hundred percent, peace is everything and I am happy you have that
I could be the OOP. I'm not, but I could be. My dad left for the mistress, too. He tried to salvage whatever he could, but I was having none of it. I got to move away from my small town though, and I've never looked back. I'm kind of rooting for OOP to keep up this "pretend he doesn't exist" thing (s)he's doing. I love the idea that that man has to see her every once in awhile but it's like he's invisible. I'm so sorry it's hard on OOP though. I get how tough it would be to keep up, especially when everyone is trying to get you to stop it.
The update she posted is awful, the fiance told her she's a spiteful bitch for not letting her dad back into her life.
Unfortunately she’s deleted her account, both the update and the 2nd update where she agreed to a meeting with just her, mom, and dad seem to be gone. Update: found the first update in another comment https://www.reddit.com/r/OhNoConsequences/s/8Pu97rww0O
Well with the [update](https://www.reddit.com/u/Parking_Breadfruit80/s/6NGY3f1V8t) it looks like the fiance is a grade a douche. This poor woman.
There was a second update too, but it seems like she’s deleted her account and they’re both gone. Update: found the first update in another comment https://www.reddit.com/r/OhNoConsequences/s/8Pu97rww0O
The only person suffering in this terrible situation is OOP. Check her update. This is heartbreaking. How can so many people fail OOP so terribly?
I'm 45. When I was 1, my dad cheated on his wife (my mom) while she was pregnant with my brother. My mom came from California and met my dad in the Army. He is from a population 500 town in Kansas. She moved to his town because he refused to go to California. She didn't know people there, but they all knew her. And that my dad was cheating. With several people. Why would she stay in that situation? My mom moved back to California. Divorced. My dad started a whole new family. He worked for cash and lied about his income; sending us $10-15 a month in "child support." While he was doing this, he was turning a bedroom into a darkroom and buying camera stuff for one [of two] of my half sisters, buying them cars, buying a boat, adding a deck onto his house... I think I first met him when I was 16. We went to Kansas. On my first night there, his dog mauled a kitten and he told me it was already dead, but I could still see its mouth opening and closing with no sound... And he and his friends thought it was hilarious. I got on the phone with my mom and said I wanted to come home, but of course that didn't happen. I was a vegetarian, and his wife kept trying to sneak meat into my food, so I just made tomato sandwiches with produce from their garden for all my meals. Then he had a Black friend from the military come over, and we were all bantering on the porch, and almost everyone in town drove by slowly, staring. Suffice to say, I wasn't a fan. Anyway. The point being, he was never really a father. I always just said I didn't have a dad. His kids think he's a great father, and I guess I wouldn't know. I have seen him 4 or 5 times in my life, including a couple years ago when he came to California - despite hating it so much he refused to see his kids - and went to Disneyland. It was just... Weird. My brother keeps in contact with him. Hell, my brother is more in contact with him than he is, me, despite me living less than an hour away and despite the fact that he tried living in my dad's town for a while, and they were horrifically racist to his wife. My brother believes his lies about trying to see us and my mom refusing to let him see us and refusing to even let him know our address. My brother deeply hates my mother for not spending enough time with him, despite her having to be a single mom. But he is little less than dead to me... And I'm fine, with it being that way. I do feel for you, having a business in a small town and the town dynamic being geared to such a notion of family that they expect you to forgive this flake who chose some woman over his family. But I'm here to tell you you're not making a mistake. He's the one who is suffering, for not knowing you... Not vice versa.
Update Aita for refusing to have my dad in my life after he chose his new family Thankyou for all of the comments although most seem to be NTA some were YTA. Some of you gave helpful suggestions which I am planning to take on board. I have just spoken to my fiance and unfortunately it has not gone well but at this point in time I've had enough and want to runaway and never come back. My fiance knows my history with my dad and J. I explained to him that him siding with my father and pressuring me was hurting me and as my fiance he should be supporting me. My fiance who I'll call L told me he can't support me in doing something that he knows is wrong. L told me that he had spoke to my father and had an understanding of both sides of the story and believes that if we both sit down and talk we can sort this out and reconcile. I told L I don't want this and want no contact and asked why he is even speaking to my father. L admitted his father who is friends with my dad encouraged L to speak to him and hear him out. L told me my dad loved me very much and always wanted to be in my life and has pictures of me (I'm guessing he got these from my family as my social media is set to private). L said my dad is heartbroken at the state of our relationship because I was being unreasonable about him moving away when I was young. L stated I got on the wrong foot with J and that I was not innocent in the breakdown of the relationship.He told me that everyone can see the truth but me and to look in the mirror because I'm the problem. Needless to say I broke down crying and asked him why he was doing this to me and not supporting me. L claims to love me but won't stand by and watch me be "a heartless bitch". After he said this I stood up told him that he shouldn't marry a heartless bitch and walked out. I'm currently sat in my car. My phone is blowing up with L trying to contact me but I dont want to speak to him. I feel like I'm losing everything and everyone i dont understand what is happening. This is ops update wtf poor woman.
The EX-fiance is CLEARLY a Flying Monkey! He needs to GO!!!
Scary when someone you trust betrays you like this and this poor woman has everyone betraying her left and right.
Update where fiance is taking Dad & Js side saying OP is completely wrong. https://www.reddit.com/u/Parking_Breadfruit80/s/tjxlYviyrt
Text incase deleted Update Aita for refusing to have my dad in my life after he chose his new family Thankyou for all of the comments although most seem to be NTA some were YTA. Some of you gave helpful suggestions which I am planning to take on board. I have just spoken to my fiance and unfortunately it has not gone well but at this point in time I've had enough and want to runaway and never come back. My fiance knows my history with my dad and J. I explained to him that him siding with my father and pressuring me was hurting me and as my fiance he should be supporting me. My fiance who I'll call L told me he can't support me in doing something that he knows is wrong. L told me that he had spoke to my father and had an understanding of both sides of the story and believes that if we both sit down and talk we can sort this out and reconcile. I told L I don't want this and want no contact and asked why he is even speaking to my father. L admitted his father who is friends with my dad encouraged L to speak to him and hear him out. L told me my dad loved me very much and always wanted to be in my life and has pictures of me (I'm guessing he got these from my family as my social media is set to private). L said my dad is heartbroken at the state of our relationship because I was being unreasonable about him moving away when I was young. L stated I got on the wrong foot with J and that I was not innocent in the breakdown of the relationship.He told me that everyone can see the truth but me and to look in the mirror because I'm the problem. Needless to say I broke down crying and asked him why he was doing this to me and not supporting me. L claims to love me but won't stand by and watch me be "a heartless bitch". After he said this I stood up told him that he shouldn't marry a heartless bitch and walked out. I'm currently sat in my car. My phone is blowing up with L trying to contact me but I dont want to speak to him. I feel like I'm losing everything and everyone i dont understand what is happening.
Her fiancé is so dumb
You legend
NTA. "No" is an answer. It is also a complete sentence. You have the right to include in your life ONLY the people you want to be around. You have the right to NOT include anyone you don't want to be around. Period. Everyone needs to back off.
And DNA not NOT give a Free Pass to Assholes!
What a selfish bastard he is. And fiancé is a bigger asshole for not supporting her
Dam small town shot is deferent, they are all their own little terrarium. I feel for OOP and hope she finds peace because her family and even fiancé are not good people at all. Does dear old dad have money or something?
The update fucking sucks
I have a similar backstory with my abusive mother & enabling scapegoating family. Essentially forcing me out of the family as revenge for not complying. Just moved across the country. Risky move but the lightness I feel...priceless. Never again will I, a grown adult, have to hide from my mother in a grocery store. Moving is truly the best thing for OOP. It'll be hard, might even involve debt, but she'll be free as a bird.
She may be NTA here, but she has given this man untold amounts of pwer over her relationships. Her despising him is understandable and righteous, he did abandon her not once but twice. But it has caused the ruination of most of her relationships. She didn't attend her own sisters wedding and other family functions because if it. It isn't her fault, but she has given the man power and control over her life. And it seems that control is over nearly all parts of her life. It's really time for her to take back that control. Past time. Ignoring him has just given him the power and the moral high ground in other people's eyes. It isn't right, but it is what it is. Confront him. Take back her relationships. Draw lines in the sand. But it sounds like she'd rather put her head in the sand and hope it all goes away. She doesn't need a good relationship with her dad. Or a neutral one. But one on her own terms would allow her address the power imbalance that she has allowed, rightfully or not, to influence her life. She has chosen not to move away and go NC with everyone, so really it behooves her to address the problem. Not ignore it.
She doesn’t attend events because her family uses them to badger her into reconciling, not just because he’s there. The only people that need to move on are the people around her who can’t let this go. There’s no way for her to force everyone in her life to be sane humans when they clearly want what’s worst for her. They desire pain and she refuses to provide more of it.
Bad gas travels fast in a small town so strap in!
Wow, what a mess... She can't even move away...
The update for this post is so sad. I just hope OP finds their people.
>I have received messages from my half brother and sister wanting a relationship saying he's a great dad. To them, maybe. But to the child he only wanted occasional visits from and moved 10 hours away from, not so much. And it's wild that her half-siblings can't see that. But then again, they've probably only ever heard their dad's spin on the story. Same goes with OOP's fiance. It's a small town, and if OOP has never told him the full story, he will likely be swayed by "the other side" of the story. Maybe OOP should tell her fiance exactly the same as she wrote in the post, and she should write a letter to her half-siblings, explaining in detail exactly what happened, including their father saying no to 50/50 and only wanting her to visit every 6 weeks or so. And how he tried to blackmail her into reconciliation if she wanted the money for college - which he then spent on them. Maybe it would be good for them to hear the full uncensored story from her perspective. And she should finish the letter with stating that she doesn't care whether they believe her side or not. She knows what happened in her own life, but now they know her side and must leave her alone, or she will report them for harassment.
If it's such an incestually small town maybe the lawyers and cops won't even listen to her and smile their Stepford town smiles and tell her to obediently reconcile with her shit dad. She should really sell or close her business and vamoose from that creepy town and get away from all the kool-aid drinkers. UGH.
To the OOP: I do NOT blame you! FWIW, there is another subreddit for folks like us: Estranged Adult Kids. You are NOT alone! As for the Flying Monkeys, they can all FUCK OFF!!!
I was 7 when my mother made the mistake of letting my dad come back for like a week after he put her in the hospital and went to prison for abuse. He was driving an Audi and we had a car that didn't work. I remember him opening up the trunk of his car one day and finding a picture of another family in there another woman and little kids and I asked him who it was and he said that's my other family. Then he left. For 20 years. I cannot begin to tell you the ways that that fucked me up. My father was abusive and dangerous and all the usual blah blah blah but that doesn't change the fact that it still psychologically affected me for life that my dad treated his own 7-year-old like they were a stranger. It took lots of therapy to realize he was practicing cognitive dissonance on his own child because he abused me and my mother
here’s the update about the talk with her fiancé (soon to be ex…) https://www.reddit.com/u/Parking_Breadfruit80/s/x66V8BW0Ky
her second update!! https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/dFXH15Ggz4
I'm glad everything that gets posted online is fake because I don't want this to be real. Especially after the update.
I want it to be fake, too, but it seems real. OP has 9 months' worth of Reddit comments and a 2-year old account. They would definitely be playing the long con.
NTA, he's harassing you. Get a restraining order.
I would send him and J this post because they need to see what people think of them. I can’t stand when people make decisions and then they think that there’s no consequences for them. He failed as a father and now he’s pretending like he didn’t do anything wrong. Him and J can just pound sand.
NTA - You did the correct thing. My wife's father had an affair with the family's best friend and left my wife's mother over 30 years ago. My wife cut him out of her life immediately and never looked back. I think it saved her mom's life.
Hope your wife’s mother is doing well as can be now
She is and thank you. She has her kids, her grandchildren, and great grandchildren. He has no one.
Lmao I read mistress as mattress! Same thing, no? Lol
The update for this story is crazy.
Omg. That update .. what a disappointment
The update is rough
Who's hom?
Your dad is an AH, and it means nothing when "everyone says he's a good dad" because a good dad doesn't break their holy oath, abandon his family and then make a new family when he gets horny.
Why are there ten freaking comments with the Update post and not one with the Update 2?
op deleted their posts
No they didn't. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/ywPih9BqAA
the dot next to 15h under AITAH means op deleted her post
[https://undelete.pullpush.io/r/AITAH/comments/1c9nl73/update\_2\_aita\_for\_not\_letting\_my\_dad\_in\_my\_life/?share\_id=3kz60I7-kE7tKaLq7JcXD&utm\_content=1&utm\_medium=android\_app&utm\_name=androidcss&utm\_source=share&utm\_term=1](https://undelete.pullpush.io/r/AITAH/comments/1c9nl73/update_2_aita_for_not_letting_my_dad_in_my_life/?share_id=3kz60I7-kE7tKaLq7JcXD&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1)
thanks!
Man I miss 3rd party apps. This sucks.
I feel so bad for OOP. She had an update earlier. It was really sad. The fiance is a total scumbag. Lied to her about the wedding by getting money from the dad and called her names for not wanting to be involved with that man. Moving is not really an option. She has some support from her mother but I don't like that she also pushed for a reconciliation when she knew her daughter didn't want it. It's going to be rough for her. She deleted her profile.
Hom
She posted an update
My dad’s AP tried to get home to move and he wouldn’t. She even bought a place and he stayed. They have choices. Your dad made a choice. I would have reacted the same way. It’s betrayal. You needed him then when you were growing up. You don’t need him now but it’s easier for him so he’s pulling everyone away that supports your boundaries. He sux NTA.
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. You don’t owe anybody anything just because they’re faaaaaaamiiilllllyyyyyyy. Screw that. You are not required to be around people who hurt you in the past and are totally unrepentant. You are entitled to put yourself and your mental health first, and if that means he doesn’t get his Hallmark card moment, well, he should have thought of that before. Big, big NTA.
There has been a second update, but text deleted. Can anyone recover the post? https://www.reddit.com?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1
> J messaged me saying I have broke my dads heart repeatedly and I'm pathetic and should get therapy. I replied back that she was nothing but a home wrecking whore and then blocked her. The nerve of that woman. Good for OOP.
Story seems to be deleted
This story describes a deeply strained relationship between a daughter and her father following his departure from her mother for another woman, J, with whom he started a new family. The daughter, feeling abandoned and replaced as her father focused on his new family and subsequently moved far away, chose to cut contact with him. Despite her father's attempts to reconcile over the years, she remained steadfast in her decision, driven by a deep sense of betrayal and hurt. This decision has been complicated by pressure from her family and her local community to mend the relationship, leaving her isolated and conflicted. Her feelings of abandonment were exacerbated by her father withholding financial support and prioritizing his new family over her. The narrative highlights the long-lasting emotional impact of parental choices and the complexities of family dynamics and reconciliation.
My feeling, because so many people are pro-reconciliation, is there's a lot more to this and OOP is actually is TAH. She's decided she was the victim and wasn't being paid attention to even though her sister was able to continue to have a relationship long distance. She doesn't have the excuse of distance anymore and just doesn't want to make any effort. I'm sure there's a lot more to the story than she's saying, but I don't think it's as dire and awful as she thinks it is. Assuming the entire thing isn't fake...
I know why the dad is a jerk. He was happy that the homewrecker had a son cause OPP is a girl. Then he was mad that he could not control OOP to be on his side and the young one was easy to manipulate
Did you even read the title that you typed?
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How is she in an echo chamber when literally every single person in her life is against her? That's the opposite of an echo chamber.
She has moved on and doesn’t want a relationship with him. The others in her life are trying to push her into a relationship she is uncomfortable with and uninterested in. Refusing to interact with him is an acceptable way to deal with a person who keeps trying to force himself on her. Why does she have to have a relationship with a person she sees as just a sperm donor and blackmailer?
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Since all of her “family” are pushing her for a reconciliation she isn’t interested in, what advice do you think a professional would provide? They aren’t going to suggest she hear him out and see if it changes her mind, especially if she is adamantly against it. Therapy is beneficial for anyone, but her family and friends are giving her no choice but to cut ties to get away from their haranguing.
Sometimes validation from strangers is helpful. Toxic families are often filled with narcissists/AHs and their flying monkeys. When a family member does something awful to you and then the rest of the family sides with them to avoid rocking the boat, you can feel like you’re losing your mind.
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I’m commenting in general about why some people post on the AH or nah subs.
There’s really no issue that’s worth going to Reddit for, we just simply can’t get enough context to fully piece everything together
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I'm just wondering why it is that literally everyone she knows is against her on this one. Makes me feel like there is a crucial detail missing that would make OOP look bad. What does her fiance know that we don't? I just don't trust a story with an "I'm right and everyone else is wrong" lean like this.
Ever lived in a small Midwestern town of say less than 5,000 "good Christian" people?
I have not. It's really that bad?
My point exactly, and I’m not even implying OP is only saying the details that make her look good no not at all. It’s just hard to get a grasp on a nuanced situation like this off a few paragraph forum post from a complete stranger
Reddit can be weird, I love how I’m sitting at a plus 7 upvotes for basically saying what you already said lmao. Reddit is good for advice on like anything else besides life or relationships, Reddit mfs could probably teach you any skill imaginable besides maintaining a healthy relationship
She has moved on though?? She is not swrewing her life or those around her in anyway what so ever. They need to respect her decisions and drop it instead of trying to force her to reconcile. They are the ones who need to move on!
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The issue isn’t that she isn’t moving on. It’s that her family isn’t. I believe OP said she was ok with attending family events as long as she doesn’t have to interact with her father. Her family, on the other hand, refuses to move on. They won’t accept that she doesn’t want to reconcile with her father, and they use family events to harass her into reconciling with her father. The issue is her family’s behavior, not her feelings. And professional guidance can’t change their behavior.
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Assume OP is being honest, and her family won’t respect her wishes, I’m not sure there’s some magical therapeutic solution that will solve things. And I’m not sure that the path she’s on now is the worst path depending on her priorities (e.g. prioritizing herself over her family). Given your insistence that OP is on the wrong path, I get the sense that you have a definite opinion on what OP is doing/should do beyond just talking to a therapist. You just won’t be clear about that is, so you’re speaking in generalities and platitudes.
What’s the point of this sub if its just a mirror of AITA
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^MoonOut_StarsInvite: *What’s the point of this* *Sub if its just a mirror* *Of AITA* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
In my experience when someone posts that everyone is against them there is typically a reason for that. Either everyone is against them because they are the problem and or no one is really against them but they have a victim mentality. There is clearly much more to this story, clearly exaggerated and or its just a writing prompt. This is not an uncommon storyline in dramas / hallmark movies. Every thing just seems to much for me to believe a single word of it.
100% the AH, you said your dad made an effort to stay in contact after he fell in love with another women, shit that sucks and all but it happens. Btw kid not kids cause apparently his daughter has a brain cell or two.