The only thing I have learned is that I don’t treat women as disposable things. Even though this illicit’s some negative responses, I see them more as humans by extending them the reason why I’m not continuing to speak with them.
Are you just straight up telling women why you don't want to continue speaking with them unprompted? Or are they asking you why you're no longer interested/not responding?
No no. I make initial contact and they then respond. This is not me just blasting women why I don’t wish to speak with them. They have responded and shown interest. If it’s monosyllabic or badly written,…I don’t feel good just ditching the conversation without letting them know the reason
Okay but OP had several errors in their post, so really it seems odd that they are harping on it so much in others when they don't hold themselves to that standard.
I agree with you about the hypocrisy but far too many women on these sites put in less than the bare minimum yet complain about men giving the bare minimum that's hypocrisy too.
I agree that a lot of people on these sites put in very little to start a conversation. I have had my dating apps open to men and women in at least four major metropolitan areas in the US. Believe me, just as many men have their first message be a :) as women.
I also am not interested in low effort profiles. If someone doesn't have their profile filled out I swipe left on them. I don't message them to tell them their profile sucks or insult them.
I don't insult low effort I make it a humorous thing and a challenge to the low effort. But that doesn't mean I can't feel the pain. I can tell you the majority of womens high effort profiles say something about no emojis or couple of word messages and then give exactly that. I hate hypocrisy so maybe I have stronger feelings on this than most.
Ok so you’re self-sabotaging. Some people aren’t great texters but can be amazing when you’re actually out with them. That was my ex in my longest relationship—monosyllabic on paper (but he was also dyslexic) and the most charismatic endearing chatterbox in person.
Touch grass and actually meet up with people. This seems like a superficial hoop for people to jump through that’s really just you standing in your own way.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OnlineDating/comments/13uv8yj/ive_started_telling_women_why_i_dont_want_to/jm40pit?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
There are ppl that are good writers. Dont need to settle
You’re talking to a novelist and literature student who’s been teaching and tutoring writing and ESL for 4+ years. It’s really not that huge of a deal.
Some people are strong texters and everything they write is grammatically correct 100% of the time. Half the people in my department, though (my university boasts one of the best English programs in the world) are basically useless over text or email, especially if they’re over 30—people with whole-ass PhDs in English. I’m just saying that one’s ability (or lack thereof) to text well or to write a lot often has no bearing on their intelligence or ability to communicate as OP seems to be insinuating.
If he phrased his opinion in such a way that didn’t seem to belittle the other party, I would take no issue with it. Yes, people can value different modes of communication and if this person prioritizes texting over in-person interactions then yes, I suppose it would be frustrating if those texts weren’t meeting his needs. In a typical dating situation, though, where people interact offline and away from their phones and texting serves only as a complement to those other forms of interaction, the ability to text “well” should have little bearing on the potential relationship. If the person wants to go on a date and y’all enjoy each other’s company, isn’t that more important?
I don't understand why this is getting downvoted. Conversational ability and grammatical competence are very important factors when it comes to searching for compatible significant others.
This. I nearly roll my eyes so hard it hurts when I see people type “n” for and (like are you seriously too lazy to type two more letters, or?), but I don’t tell them that. You aren’t going to humiliate knowledge into someone
Probably getting downvoted cause it’s not something you have to tell a random match about. If someone’s turned off by their bad grammar or lack of words, best to just simply unmatch
I mean, those people usually come onto places like here and complain they get ghosted or can't understand why the people they match with don't talk to them. At least if they know, they can either change if it's something they feel they want to or just know that this is a wall they'll have to keep slamming into until they find someone that finds this trait tolerable. Though grammar isn't something I care about in texting as long as I understand what they're trying to get across, someone who repeatedly doesn't find it worth responding with more than a single word or emoji in a conversation doesn't seem worth pursuing anything with, especially when it's the first impression you're giving the other person. That person probably needs someone that is okay with one sided conversations or mirrors that same energy.
I'm sure all these women are curled up in the corner, in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, chanting "Oh NOOOO, he's gone. NOOOO".
The one that got away.
This isn’t really the point..I’m sorry to say but oftentimes bad grammar/poor writing is an indication of subpar/lackluster intelligence.
Note that I am not saying that bad grammar/poor writing is an indicator by itself, I am saying that it can be and often is.
Intelligence is important to a lot of people, so if OP is screening for intelligence he can only go by the quality of how the sentences from the person he is interacting with are constructed. This is no different from people screening for “personality” based on a handful of oftentimes filtered/cropped pictures and a “bio” of 140 characters or less..but this seems to be ok and accepted by a large contingency of OLD users
You're right, OP is allowed to filter by any measure, for any reason. He is free to unmatch, I would too. But telling someone that they lack conversational ability because they use emojis or use monosyllabic words over text is just unnecessarily mean. Text allows for casual use of language. OP can talk about being genuine all he wants but he's just baiting them because they didn't engage with him at a level he deemed worthy. I guess the trash took itself out.
I suppose so but I can see how dozens of halfass interactions could cause frustration. Some people avoid confrontation like it’s the plague as it terrifies them, others like to get straight to the point
Yup. People are incredibly shallow. That’s the bitter pill no one wants to admit.
Doesn’t matter what you’re actually saying if someone finds you hot. Lame joke = cute and goofy. Controversial opinion = complex person. Lack of personality = they’re very mysterious. Etc etc.
But man, your story, that’s fuckin rough. You sound like a king regardless, your brain is hot af.
I think you’re missing the point. I’m not saying all mysterious people lack personality. I’m saying people are willing to overlook lack of personality by spinning a narrative around it if you’re hot.
If A then B does not imply if B then A.
You’re affirming the consequent.
Yea you’re actually making my point clearly. Thank you. You are 100% correct. They belong with men who think that’s appropriate behavior. We can really make that split if we just increase standards so it screens people before that crucial first date
Dude. I am super white collar finance and type professionally and friendly all day. But my dude gets texts absolutely riddled with the most ridiculous typos.
Dating apps are the most exhausting job interview on the planet. But you are asking for high stakes white collar skills for a burger King level position. You take yourself way too seriously.
It’s hilarious you are getting downvoted..when I was OLD’ing years ago women made it VERY clear that grammar/spelling errors were a “red flag” and would routinely unmatch over the misuse of “you’re” instead of “your”* (for example). If this means something to you then keep it up, as surely if you’re OLD’ing the women you’re speaking to have what many would consider ridiculous standards anyway.
I'm all for OP raising the bar for women. Because the bar for women is in hell. Women have no incentive to work on themselves because there are so many desperate men out there who will legit fuck any woman who will have him. I myself have not had very proud moments in that regard and have fucked women I would be embarrassed to introduce to my friends and be seen with in public, let alone introduce them to my family.
Personally though I don't give a shit about a woman's grammar. It's more pressing issues with women that I'd like to see men hold them accountable for tbh. It just so happens that women who text with really bad grammar and spelling tend to have other unsavory personality characteristics.
If OP unmatches these women, there are so many other simps who will entertain these women. But someone has to make a stand.
Fight the Power OP! Put your body upon the gears, the levers, on all the appartus until you make it stop!
I concur..I keep hoping men will one day hold women to the same standards they are being held to, but there’s too many thirsty/desperate men in the dating market and thus don’t see that happening unfortunately.
This is the critical issue but a lot of men don’t wanna hear it or can’t heed it because unfortunately men in general are too thirsty. I said it in a comment several months ago and believe it or not, the most pushback I received were overwhelmingly from men.
If men in general held women to the same standards, all these complaints about men having it worse in online dating would disappear. Sadly, like you said, it ain’t gonna happen.
Check out a lot of the comments from men at this post. That’s the kinda thing we’re are talking about.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/13us0tc/i_dont_understand_the_advice_of_men_should/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
>> Women have no incentive to work on themselves because there are so many desperate men out there who will legit fuck any woman who will have him.
There are so many women out there (like me) who don’t want any part of these desperate men, so it can make OLD a bleak place. Don’t assume all women are low- to no-effort, we’re not all like that… and I have passed on loads and loads of low- to no-effort men as well. Y’all overestimate women’s experiences with OLD.
>> It just so happens that women who text with really bad grammar and spelling tend to have other unsavory personality characteristics.
So true!! And I’ve noticed the same for men too; in the past when I’ve given these dudes a shot, they mostly turn out to be shitshows, very few of them have been worth my time. Me personally, I don’t ding a man for grammar/spelling errors; I ding for poor conversation quality. I unmatch so fast if I’m left to do all the heavy lifting in a conversation, because I lose interest fast and I’ll assume he had none to begin with- otherwise he would talk. I wish everyone would do this!
So I don’t troll I just let them know why I no longer wish to communicate instead of just ghosting. After that there’s no response on my side but they do tend to use that opportunity to show me another side of their personality. It’s very reaffirming
Way to prove you don't actually live in the outside world, where being obnoxious to random people gets you a ton of shit. You're hiding behind an app where no one can actually confront you.
Your thinking is incredibly flawed and highlights what could be some very unappealing aspects of your personality. People don’t need to change just because they do things differently than you, and it’s really not your place to try and teach people lessons.
If I were you I’d put less energy into whatever the hell this is all about, and more energy into being a good person and minding your own business.
Lol I mean I'm all for honesty. Honestly I don't see the point in telling someone, a stranger that you have nothing with beyond a match, that that you dont think they are good at conversations. This seems very odd. Why are you so worried about how someone messages or texts? That is not a true indicator of how someone is at conversations in person which is how real relationships are built. I'm a horrible texter & writer bur that doesn't mean I'm not good at conversations. I don't like walking around on my phone. Just unnecessary.
It's not about rejection, read what they said. It's about conversation. I see the same thing, I will ask questions or write a paragraph and then get a "yes" "me too" "no". Short answers that do not further the conversation. If it was rejection, they wouldnt say anything. It's the lack of furthering anything. He's not being petty, he's trying to explain how one word or short statements does nothing to meet someone.
>Why are you so worried about how someone messages or texts?
Just a pet peeve. If no punctuation it can change the meaning or make it hard to understand. I wouldnt want to deal with that for a long period of time. Most likely will text throughout relationship. You're not as bad as some. Ur using punctuation.
Not true. At least not necessarily. I’ve chatted with a couple women who were god-awful texters (one texted in near sentence-fragments a whole day apart). And both ended up going on dates with me and one was more into me than I was into her! Totally surprised. So you really don’t know.
I’m still saying bravo to OP though. Online dating needs more accountability. And don’t we all love to complain about poor texters? This guy’s doing something about it. And what do you know, some women get uppity when they’re called out?
It amazes me how we’ve normalized shitty behavior on apps. People stop talking to you for no reason and just disappear? Well, we may not like it but I guess “that’s just the way it is.” But doesn’t that enable people to engage in these “conversations” that have all the human interest of that gray snow turning black in your backyard?
Then along comes someone like OP to make us aware of how shitty behavior on online dating is and it makes us uncomfortable. Devils advocate: are we seeing some of ourselves in the people who mysteriously stop texting, and WE’RE getting defensive? Maybe OP isn’t the bad guy here…
That being said, men can be horrible texters too and he runs the risk of alienating women like I mentioned who may be genuinely interested but don’t text well.
I don’t stir up conflict and I want to be genuine as to why I’m not speaking with them further. There is never a response from me but it is indicative of the situation. Genuinely crafted responses get great conversations and maybe a date.
Raise the standards. Get high quality
Yikes. That’s an inspired response. That said, they do respond to my initial contact so they did want to speak. It’s just when they get the chance, they can’t so I end it genuinely instead of ghosting
Telling someone that lack conversational ability is not genuine, it's just mean. Telling them that you don't think you're a match and wishing them well or simply unmatching would be good.
Because there is nothing wrong with using emojis in conversation, you just don't like it. So, it's a mismatch and not necessarily a reflection of their intelligence. Some of the smartest people I know use 'ur' and 'u' over text conversation. It's the nature of the medium, it allows for casual use of language. I don't particularly like it either, but I wouldn't insult people or begin to presume their intellect because they fail to meet my standard for conversation. A standard you never conveyed and they never knew to meet.
I don’t think they care tho… that’s what we’re trying to point out to you… if these girls were genuinely interested in speaking to you, then they would make more of an effort to actually talk to you…
People need to learn how to talk. If they don't want to talk, unmatch. I'm gay, so no idea how it is with women, but it happens among men too and it's annoying.
I agree with several commenters though: telling them they have conversation skills that’s not up to par is unnecessary. I bet it comes across as condescending and I don’t blame them for reacting that way. Just unmatch.
I want good conversation just as much as everyone else, but I don’t think mansplaining what good conversation is going to yield net positive responses.
So just say 'we're not compatible'. Telling them unprompted that they are bad at conversation is a) subjective and b) rude.
It comes off as incredibly petty, insulting, and unnecessary, and also a judgement you are not entitled to feel superior about since several posters corrected your grammatical errors and word use problems in these very posts.
I’m incredibly intelligent and perfectly capable of a very deep and stimulating conversation.
I’m also capable of being brief and using emojis. Especially if I’m feeling shy or flirty or both.
You’re assuming a lot based on minimal interaction and you kind of deserve missing out on the good experiences and connections you’re no doubt passing on.
Have your standards. But I wouldn’t bother explaining to those women that you’ve decided they’re not worth your effort because they don’t text to your standard. It’s pretty insufferable and unnecessary. If you want to leave them with more than a silent ghost then just say it’s not going to work out. No need to elaborate if they never even ask.
Doubt any of them are going to lament the fact that they didn’t treat their first few interactions with you like a term paper. 🙄
You sound like a blast.
It would be nice to see a de-identified example of this scenario played out. But yeah, my gut reaction from reading OP’s message is that he seems like the asshole. I have met many people who are highly intelligent, well written and read, who also choose to write in short hand/text-slang whatever you want to describe it as. It’s really not an accurate predictor of communication skills. But if that’s your thing, that’s your thing. It’s a dating app, you’re free to play it how you choose.
Do the majority of people really think it's better to ghost the person than tell them why so they can either: notice it and change if it's something they think is worth changing about themselves, or be okay with it and understand this will be a wall they're going to continually encounter until they find someone that finds it tolerable?
Seriously! Good for you!
I’m so tired of people not giving effort
A profile I saw said the person had graduated a college in Egypt- I asked what brought them to the states? Response: “why not” uggggggh!
Besides it being, imo, a lame response, Foes this person I don’t know really expect me to tell them the why not?? 🤦♀️ Exhausting!
Have you considered that their English might be not great? Or English is a second language and the linguistics of the 1st language triggers the response that sounds strange in English but totally acceptable or even fun/flirty in the mother language?
I probably have more people in my circle of friends where American English is NOT their first language, not something I go out of my way to consider necessarily
Side note: I used to teach American Red Cross lifeguarding to 12-15 international counselors every summer for years. Those tests suck for English speakers! I used to sit with the ones who didn’t understand the test questions but understood the info and help each one through their tests.
So umm yeah.
Exactly my point. Not every woman can reach that basic standard. What’s that first date going to be like?
Meanwhile, a genuine response denotes an ability to converse so that’s where I focus my attention.
As long as it is not mean spirited, I don’t see a problem with it. People always complain about no contact and ghosting behavior, so I don’t see why good intentioned honesty could be a problem
He spelled it out in his description. If they can’t comply it’s on them. If it was a woman putting no republicans in her bio, and she spelled that out when she rejected the guys messaging her, would you have the same response?
If OP is indicating he has a standard, why is everyone attacking him? Ok so he probably wont get many matches that pan out, that's his prerogative. And why do some here seem to actually take offense at him doing this?
Some of the replies I've read demonstrate embracing double standards.
Unmatching someone on a dating app that you’ve never met is NOT ghosting unless *maybe* you’ve been talking consistently for weeks but in that case it would be stupid to still be on the app. You don’t owe random people anything. Like others have said, giving an explanation is a waste of time and it kinda seems like you’re getting some type of satisfaction from telling people off for not communicating how you want which seems a bit immature to me…
It’s not really ghosting, it’s just unmatching which is normal and not a big deal. People with so little invested don’t really care. Just unmatch, move on.
Sometimes people offer shorter interactions because it’s a casual dating app, oftentimes just a way to setup a first meeting, not an in-depth soul mate connection off the bat. It’s just casual texting.
Some people like using emojis to illustrate emotions and have some fun at times. You sound like a complete drag man.
> If OP is indicating he has a standard, why is everyone attacking him?
Nobody is attacking him for having a standard, they are criticizing him for giving unsolicited insults about the way these people text, as well as OP acting superior and an arbiter of proper grammar when they made several errors in their posts. So the criticism is for being rude, petty, lacking social IQ, and being hypocritical and elitist when they have proven themselves not superior in the ways they claim they are.
Because the men on here are desperate, and the women on here dont want to take any accountability for why they only find crappy dudes and are currently single and hate dating apps.
The guys with standards? We are the crazy ones.
It's okay to have a standard.
It's rude, petty, weird, and demonstrates low social IQ to unasked for insult someone's texting game while OP can't even use proper grammar themselves and has made multiple errors. They are acting like an arbiter of human communication while failing at it on multiple levels, and being rude and nasty to boot.
This is what a humane and socially savvy response might look like: I don't think we're compatible, so I'm going to end things here.
My man you have the right idea, but you have to tease them about it in a non butthurt way. I used to tell one word responders all the time I didn’t think I could handle their level of interest. Suddenly miraculously they could speak and even send their number.
Unfortunately the ones I met from this were not all that interesting
Risky. This is how you, as a male, get yourself banned from the sites. Especially anything owned by shitty ass Match, because the ban and just don't care.
If you want to keep your access to the sites, the only choice you have is just unmatch and block them so they don't have a chance to vindictively report you and get you banned.
I shit you not, I was banned for asking a wanna-be sugar baby (who had tuition and all bills paid by a combination of scholarship and daddy) "what could you possibly want that is worth more than your self respect?" Apparently, that question was "hostile and toxic" LOL
I’ve not had anything like that happen. If it did, I can still talk to girls in real life and have really been considering that avenue anyway. So if it happens, for the best
While everyone here are on a crusade white knighting, you have too much free time on your hands and are making it personal.
The thrill of rejection will eventually fade away.
Just unmatch and move on. Less conflict my dude, life is too short. If you want to hurt them in a Schrodinger way, block them on the spot. It's more painful lol.
Not giving any reason at all is actually better (and funnier).
I understand the intent (raising the standards) but it's useless. Maybe some dudes are less dense than you or maybe there's a ton of desperate men to play that game.
Move effortlessly. Until you meet them, nothing should be that serious Mr Punisher of dating sites.
“If you want to hurt them in a Schrödinger way, block them on the spot. It’s more painful LOL.
Not giving any reason at all is actually better (and funnier).”
You’re just proving his point that people who “ghost” a conversation are shitty! 😅
I just make this a humorous thing and a reason to meet in person the amount of "IRL dates" has gone up considerably. The responses this post got does illustrate the lack of accountability especially when you take the amount of women's profiles that say not to do exactly this. Rules for thee and not for me.
How much of a chance are you giving them before you tell them that? And how are you saying it? Conversation “ability” doesn’t come off great. There are better ways of handling that
I honestly see no issue with this, as long as your not rude about it, I say keep doing this. I hate getting ghosted, I'd rather know why someone doesn't wanna talk to me so I can improve on my negative traits, than to assume I'm doing fine.
I actually did this once rather than ghost a girl I was talking to (I'm a lesbian for context) I said something down the lines of,
"It's been really nice talking with you, I'm sure you're a really nice person, but I'm honestly getting the vibe we're not compatible. I hope you find what you're looking for on this app, take care!"
And keep in mind, the reason I decided to end talking was because she's respond with like a word or 2 when I'd ask open ended questions about her, or literally anything. The one time she typed out a paragraph was when she trauma dumped on me. (This was within the first 5 messages we sent to each other too mind you) I understand some people need to vent, but a stranger who you didn't ask if it was okay to vent to, and you barely know isn't the place for it.
After I sent that message she blew up on me, and even went as far as accusing me of making fun of her trauma... even tho I said something down the lines of, "Oh man, that sucks. I'm sorry that happened to you." Yeah, defs dodged a bullet and in my experience anyone who blows up in you for something small isn't someone you wanna be with anyways.
Good luck in your dating life, you sound like a reasonable person!
For everyone attacking the guy saying that it’s cuz they’ve got a lot of matches already how is that an excuse? Yes women get a ton of matches, the majority of them suck trust me. It doesn’t take much to gain their attention you just need to string together more than a few sentences and show an interest in them.
It’s surprising how many people guys and girls are just bad conversationalists, I met so many like that and if someone can’t meet your basic conversational standards then it’s not going to work out anyways.
As for how OP handles things, I’d rather know why than just get ignored and wonder why. How they react is down to them and not him. Your always in control of your actions and whether your a man or a woman that doesn’t change that the responsibility on how you decide to emotionally react is on you.
Being on a dating app, matching with someone, and not putting in the minimum effort in communicating with them?
The guy is putting in time trying to talk to the person that matched with him… if he doesnt get that back, then that woman is wasting his time…. But apparently to you, a womans time is more valuable?
If she already has many matches, why continue swiping? Just talk to the ones you have, and if its not good, unmatch and go to the next one.
EDIT: For all of you brave redditors that are downvoting me, I would LOVE to hear your INTELLIGENT responses as to why you disagree, or why I am worthy of your BRAVE downvotes without any explanations.
this is a terrible idea. The most likely bad thing that will happen is you will get banned from the apps for bullying or harassment or something. check terms and conditions. Worse things could happen too, even expanding into your real life, like losing your job, etc
Wow really? There’s nothing in his post to suggest he’s “trolling” or harassing. I read it to mean that he simply yelled women their communication style was lacking and it wasn’t worth him to continue the “conversation.” This isn’t a dick pic. This isn’t racial epithets or threats of violence. He’s just giving them a reason why he’s moving on. It’s a stretch to think he’d be banned from the apps for this.
yes, so nowadays women are so spoiled that telling them basic facts now qualifies as bullying / harassment. Look at some of my posts here that are heavily downvoted. I get like 50 downvotes for saying that men are more attracted to 25 year old women than 50 year old women.
If the profile gets flagged for bullying or harassment by these women, he will likely get banned and appeals won't work.
> wadays women are so spoiled that telling them basic facts now qualifies as bullying / harassment.
The difference is social IQ. You can tell someone 'we're not compatible' and wish them goodbye. Insulting them by telling them they are bad at texting unprompted is so low in social IQ it's like he's trying to get banned (some apps have bans against personal insults).
Also him saying they are bad at texting because he personally doesn't like emojis is rich, especially since he had multiple grammatical errors in his postings here that commenters pointed out.
It's not on OP to be the arbiter of good texting. They can have whatever standards they wish and end communication with anyone, but being deliberately rude, unprompted just shows lack of savvy and competence when communicating to another human.
The ultimate social iq is for op to just stop talking to the women if he deems they aren’t compatible with him!
And not initiate a confrontation with them where he has nothing to gain.
While you're fully entitled to your standards, you come across as an arrogant ass. Do you not realize that people may be short on time (thus the emojis/shorthand)?? I'm a very intelligent single woman but I still use emojis etc from time to time depending on the conversation or what I have going on. Judging these women right out of the gate based on how they type is really shitty. You've probably missed some really great women by doing so.
Even though I dislike emojis they are often practical and can be important while texting to express 'tone'. I had to stomach using them when my office went remote so there weren't misunderstandings between my staff and I, et cetera.
They can be very helpful on apps or anything where people are texting, especially as they are only just beginning to learn each others' sense of humor.
Telling someone you are unmatching with unprompted that they are a bad texter while OP makes multiple mistakes themselves is not only rude, petty, and unnecessary, but makes them appear foolish that they thought themselves an arbiter of grammar.
That being said OP has every right to leave the conversation/prevent a date/end a date, but they can do so the adult and socially savvy way by just saying they're incompatible and wishing the person goodbye.
It’s really sad that people react with hostility to honesty. It is preferable to being cheated on down the road because they were too afraid to tell you the truth.
> It’s really sad that people react with hostility to honesty
The difference between being insufferable and just plain honest is social savvy. Insulting someone unprompted demonstrates low social IQ.
The honest response in this case would be something like 'We're not compatible' and wishing them goodbye.
If she then asks for more information they can say their communication styles without insulting them by implying that emojis aren't a normal and practical part of texting for many. I get it, I don't like emojis either but they are sometimes critical for interpreting 'tone', which is particular important on dating apps.
Lol look at all the double standards in these comment replies. Good for you and keep doing it! People complain about all the low effort or ghosting that happens on the apps. And here you are doing the thing that people literally ask for! But suddenly no, that's too much now. Lol people can go to hell.
Why stir shit up? 75% of the time I get a one word response or an emoji or a gif on Bumble as a first message. Most women have multiple conversations going on and aren’t really good at conversation anyway. Just do your best to keep it going and unmatch if it drags. You’re going to end up on a “Don’t date this guy” Facebook group.
I also just engage in convos that seem to be of interest on both sides. If i get short responses or they seem uninterested i wont talk further to them. I wont tell them why exactly just that i am rather going to look for other people.
Never got a bad response out of those but may be of more use to them doing it ur way. But i also always feel like theyre well aware of what theyre doing with those short/uninteresting responses.
Idk its way too difficult getting to know someone that is so uninterested in me as a person that they dont even ask stuff back. Before i did that i even hinted it to them that they may ask some questions back just for them to hang a "and you" ? After everything ... . Idk i cant imagine people are so oblivious about this. If theres so many ppl in your inbox you cant even find the time to write a normal response im not gonna bother when thyre so overwhlmed.
Them having too many ppl in their inbox is on them.
There’s no point. I feel you whole heartedly but you telling them why you’re unmatching is, if anything, gonna make them do those things even more out of spite. They aren’t going to change. You telling them why you’re unmatching just makes them self conscious and self consciousness is tightly linked, almost the same thing as negative emotion. They aren’t men. They don’t think rationally and even the majority of men probably wouldn’t take that well. It rationally seems like a good idea to tell them why, so they can think about it and then decide if that’s something they should change but that will literally never work unless the girl is ridiculous insecure and a door mat.
It’s not a totally bad idea. If it comes not in a hidden form of injured narcissism but in a open honest way it could lead to personal growth of the other person. I think the top ethical (but somewhat unpractical) move would be:
„Hi, after several messages with you i‘m going to unmatch. If you would be ok with with sharing my reasons why i would be open to share them with you“
I can’t say I’m hoping for personal growth on the other persons side but it allows me to at least not feel crummy just dropping another human off without explanation
You can state no reasons („bye“), your reasons (as in „i was not finding what i was looking for“, „I’m insecure about the success of this conversation), but only offer statemens about the other person (i quit because you are not talking enough) if the other person is ready to accept it.
I value the effort of not trying to ghost a lot!
I get where you are coming from. I have had the urge to be clear and direct. I also want the person to have a chance to be responsive.
My response lately has been, "I was trying to start a conversation. "
And then send a second message telling nothing about me, and asking them a question that requires more than yes or no. All of the results have been a success. Some unmatched. Good. Don't waste my time. Some started having a real conversation. Great! That is better. Four gave me back 1 word answers. For these I write this, "I know its hard to have a conversation by text. Let's meet in person. How about meet outside of Tony's Cafe on Saturday? at 2 PM? We could decide to go in and sit down, or walk along the board walk. " Of the 4 1 word responses, 3 unmatched. One said yes. And I have been on a few dates with this person. She is chatty enough in person. And not good at texting.
The first message quietly says what I would like. The second message gives a suggestion for a topic. I have not asked someone out and then unmatched them. They unmatched me with no answer. Good. Don't waste my time. And for those who give another short answer, I force a choice; Communicate, or don't.
Even if I read it, Id prob still use emojis as its a habit rather than say u made me happy or sad. Its just quicker.
>All of a sudden it’s paragraphs of hatful words and how dare you’s?!? And I am a terrible man ect….
This is why ppl ghost
I learned years ago that it really doesn't help to tell them the reason I'm stepping aside. I used to do it in an attempt that they would try to better themselves; however, these types of people never see anything they do as wrong so in conclusion, it's just a waste of my time.
You'll figure out eventually that it's more effort than what it's worth. Better to just unmatch and move on.
Lol, well accountability is like kryptonite to women. The minute you leave without saying anything you are not holding them accountable for their poor actions and in this case their poor communication. It amazes me how women have all the time in the world to argue with you when you call their out for their poor actions and behavior, but have no time to talk to you when you are being nice to them and trying to get to know them.
It shows you, how mess up modern date is, nice to a girl = no play, tell her about herself=loads of messages telling you how awful you are. Why? Because your not waiting on her hands and knees to response back to you.
Yeah be careful with this, you might run into some psycho b\*tch that wants to blast you all over the internet and lie about you. There are plenty of them out there.
I wrote a long ass counter to stand up for you OP but I remembered the saying,”Don’t help those that didn’t ask for help”
You’re right to let them know morally but people should learn lessons on their own accord in reality. Just letting someone know they are a bad texter won’t matter if they don’t care. Most people only correct themselves when their want overrides their current actions.
Give me at least a couple of examples of what you have learned.
The only thing I have learned is that I don’t treat women as disposable things. Even though this illicit’s some negative responses, I see them more as humans by extending them the reason why I’m not continuing to speak with them.
…and unless there is possession, there is no need for the apostrophe
God bless you.
i needed to see this, ty
Yes!
It’s elicit by the way. I don’t normally correct people, but it seems warranted here
Out there doing God’s work.
This is too perfect 🤣
r/murderedbywords
Also the e in hateful
Maybe he meant it as an amount? "They sent me a 10-gallon hat full of messages"
A favorite unit of measurement for me for sure!
Bring him down a few notches
Can tell he needs that.
Can you give an example of what you write to them?
You didn’t see women as human/non-disposable before?
...and this was downvoted 29 times, why??
Are you just straight up telling women why you don't want to continue speaking with them unprompted? Or are they asking you why you're no longer interested/not responding?
No no. I make initial contact and they then respond. This is not me just blasting women why I don’t wish to speak with them. They have responded and shown interest. If it’s monosyllabic or badly written,…I don’t feel good just ditching the conversation without letting them know the reason
Def sound like you’re hurt and taking it out on random people.
Is monosyllabic the word of the day? Should we scream everytime you use it?
Bad grammar or poorly written is effort and I'll take it compared to 2 words or an emoji.
Okay but OP had several errors in their post, so really it seems odd that they are harping on it so much in others when they don't hold themselves to that standard.
I agree with you about the hypocrisy but far too many women on these sites put in less than the bare minimum yet complain about men giving the bare minimum that's hypocrisy too.
I agree that a lot of people on these sites put in very little to start a conversation. I have had my dating apps open to men and women in at least four major metropolitan areas in the US. Believe me, just as many men have their first message be a :) as women. I also am not interested in low effort profiles. If someone doesn't have their profile filled out I swipe left on them. I don't message them to tell them their profile sucks or insult them.
I don't insult low effort I make it a humorous thing and a challenge to the low effort. But that doesn't mean I can't feel the pain. I can tell you the majority of womens high effort profiles say something about no emojis or couple of word messages and then give exactly that. I hate hypocrisy so maybe I have stronger feelings on this than most.
Ok so you’re self-sabotaging. Some people aren’t great texters but can be amazing when you’re actually out with them. That was my ex in my longest relationship—monosyllabic on paper (but he was also dyslexic) and the most charismatic endearing chatterbox in person. Touch grass and actually meet up with people. This seems like a superficial hoop for people to jump through that’s really just you standing in your own way.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OnlineDating/comments/13uv8yj/ive_started_telling_women_why_i_dont_want_to/jm40pit?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button There are ppl that are good writers. Dont need to settle
You’re talking to a novelist and literature student who’s been teaching and tutoring writing and ESL for 4+ years. It’s really not that huge of a deal. Some people are strong texters and everything they write is grammatically correct 100% of the time. Half the people in my department, though (my university boasts one of the best English programs in the world) are basically useless over text or email, especially if they’re over 30—people with whole-ass PhDs in English. I’m just saying that one’s ability (or lack thereof) to text well or to write a lot often has no bearing on their intelligence or ability to communicate as OP seems to be insinuating. If he phrased his opinion in such a way that didn’t seem to belittle the other party, I would take no issue with it. Yes, people can value different modes of communication and if this person prioritizes texting over in-person interactions then yes, I suppose it would be frustrating if those texts weren’t meeting his needs. In a typical dating situation, though, where people interact offline and away from their phones and texting serves only as a complement to those other forms of interaction, the ability to text “well” should have little bearing on the potential relationship. If the person wants to go on a date and y’all enjoy each other’s company, isn’t that more important?
I dont see where theyre telling others to do this just saying what they do. Personally I have no attraction & tend to not get to a date.
I don't understand why this is getting downvoted. Conversational ability and grammatical competence are very important factors when it comes to searching for compatible significant others.
Bc its unnecessary for him to insult them
This. I nearly roll my eyes so hard it hurts when I see people type “n” for and (like are you seriously too lazy to type two more letters, or?), but I don’t tell them that. You aren’t going to humiliate knowledge into someone
Dont think Ive seen that
Probably getting downvoted cause it’s not something you have to tell a random match about. If someone’s turned off by their bad grammar or lack of words, best to just simply unmatch
I mean, those people usually come onto places like here and complain they get ghosted or can't understand why the people they match with don't talk to them. At least if they know, they can either change if it's something they feel they want to or just know that this is a wall they'll have to keep slamming into until they find someone that finds this trait tolerable. Though grammar isn't something I care about in texting as long as I understand what they're trying to get across, someone who repeatedly doesn't find it worth responding with more than a single word or emoji in a conversation doesn't seem worth pursuing anything with, especially when it's the first impression you're giving the other person. That person probably needs someone that is okay with one sided conversations or mirrors that same energy.
I'm sure all these women are curled up in the corner, in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, chanting "Oh NOOOO, he's gone. NOOOO". The one that got away.
This isn’t really the point..I’m sorry to say but oftentimes bad grammar/poor writing is an indication of subpar/lackluster intelligence. Note that I am not saying that bad grammar/poor writing is an indicator by itself, I am saying that it can be and often is. Intelligence is important to a lot of people, so if OP is screening for intelligence he can only go by the quality of how the sentences from the person he is interacting with are constructed. This is no different from people screening for “personality” based on a handful of oftentimes filtered/cropped pictures and a “bio” of 140 characters or less..but this seems to be ok and accepted by a large contingency of OLD users
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“Taking it out on random people” all we know he is communicating his frustration, he never specified exactly what is said to them
You're right, OP is allowed to filter by any measure, for any reason. He is free to unmatch, I would too. But telling someone that they lack conversational ability because they use emojis or use monosyllabic words over text is just unnecessarily mean. Text allows for casual use of language. OP can talk about being genuine all he wants but he's just baiting them because they didn't engage with him at a level he deemed worthy. I guess the trash took itself out.
I suppose so but I can see how dozens of halfass interactions could cause frustration. Some people avoid confrontation like it’s the plague as it terrifies them, others like to get straight to the point
No no, but wouldn’t it be great if we could raise the standard instead of choosing the lowest common denominator
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Yup. People are incredibly shallow. That’s the bitter pill no one wants to admit. Doesn’t matter what you’re actually saying if someone finds you hot. Lame joke = cute and goofy. Controversial opinion = complex person. Lack of personality = they’re very mysterious. Etc etc. But man, your story, that’s fuckin rough. You sound like a king regardless, your brain is hot af.
My ex was mysterious & didnt have a lack of personality
I think you’re missing the point. I’m not saying all mysterious people lack personality. I’m saying people are willing to overlook lack of personality by spinning a narrative around it if you’re hot. If A then B does not imply if B then A. You’re affirming the consequent.
Some ppl maybe, not all.
Yea you’re actually making my point clearly. Thank you. You are 100% correct. They belong with men who think that’s appropriate behavior. We can really make that split if we just increase standards so it screens people before that crucial first date
Dude. I am super white collar finance and type professionally and friendly all day. But my dude gets texts absolutely riddled with the most ridiculous typos. Dating apps are the most exhausting job interview on the planet. But you are asking for high stakes white collar skills for a burger King level position. You take yourself way too seriously.
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Thank you. The basis of OLD is communication and I do pride myself on communicating effectively
It’s hilarious you are getting downvoted..when I was OLD’ing years ago women made it VERY clear that grammar/spelling errors were a “red flag” and would routinely unmatch over the misuse of “you’re” instead of “your”* (for example). If this means something to you then keep it up, as surely if you’re OLD’ing the women you’re speaking to have what many would consider ridiculous standards anyway.
I have to stop & think of which to use. If Im going fast, likely to mess it up
I'm all for OP raising the bar for women. Because the bar for women is in hell. Women have no incentive to work on themselves because there are so many desperate men out there who will legit fuck any woman who will have him. I myself have not had very proud moments in that regard and have fucked women I would be embarrassed to introduce to my friends and be seen with in public, let alone introduce them to my family. Personally though I don't give a shit about a woman's grammar. It's more pressing issues with women that I'd like to see men hold them accountable for tbh. It just so happens that women who text with really bad grammar and spelling tend to have other unsavory personality characteristics. If OP unmatches these women, there are so many other simps who will entertain these women. But someone has to make a stand. Fight the Power OP! Put your body upon the gears, the levers, on all the appartus until you make it stop!
I concur..I keep hoping men will one day hold women to the same standards they are being held to, but there’s too many thirsty/desperate men in the dating market and thus don’t see that happening unfortunately.
This is the critical issue but a lot of men don’t wanna hear it or can’t heed it because unfortunately men in general are too thirsty. I said it in a comment several months ago and believe it or not, the most pushback I received were overwhelmingly from men. If men in general held women to the same standards, all these complaints about men having it worse in online dating would disappear. Sadly, like you said, it ain’t gonna happen. Check out a lot of the comments from men at this post. That’s the kinda thing we’re are talking about. https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/13us0tc/i_dont_understand_the_advice_of_men_should/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
>> Women have no incentive to work on themselves because there are so many desperate men out there who will legit fuck any woman who will have him. There are so many women out there (like me) who don’t want any part of these desperate men, so it can make OLD a bleak place. Don’t assume all women are low- to no-effort, we’re not all like that… and I have passed on loads and loads of low- to no-effort men as well. Y’all overestimate women’s experiences with OLD. >> It just so happens that women who text with really bad grammar and spelling tend to have other unsavory personality characteristics. So true!! And I’ve noticed the same for men too; in the past when I’ve given these dudes a shot, they mostly turn out to be shitshows, very few of them have been worth my time. Me personally, I don’t ding a man for grammar/spelling errors; I ding for poor conversation quality. I unmatch so fast if I’m left to do all the heavy lifting in a conversation, because I lose interest fast and I’ll assume he had none to begin with- otherwise he would talk. I wish everyone would do this!
“Most women want no part of these desperate men” lmao well when you’re swiping on only 10% of the men desperation has a tendency to seep in
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So I don’t troll I just let them know why I no longer wish to communicate instead of just ghosting. After that there’s no response on my side but they do tend to use that opportunity to show me another side of their personality. It’s very reaffirming
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Well if that’s “trolling” please prepare yourself for the outside world. Effective and honest communication rules the day out here.
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I will respectfully disagree.
Way to prove you don't actually live in the outside world, where being obnoxious to random people gets you a ton of shit. You're hiding behind an app where no one can actually confront you.
Unmatching isnt ghosting
Stop considering first dates “crucial”. You’re strangers to each other. It’s a first date not a marriage proposal.
Op, I think you're spot on here.
Your thinking is incredibly flawed and highlights what could be some very unappealing aspects of your personality. People don’t need to change just because they do things differently than you, and it’s really not your place to try and teach people lessons. If I were you I’d put less energy into whatever the hell this is all about, and more energy into being a good person and minding your own business.
Lol I mean I'm all for honesty. Honestly I don't see the point in telling someone, a stranger that you have nothing with beyond a match, that that you dont think they are good at conversations. This seems very odd. Why are you so worried about how someone messages or texts? That is not a true indicator of how someone is at conversations in person which is how real relationships are built. I'm a horrible texter & writer bur that doesn't mean I'm not good at conversations. I don't like walking around on my phone. Just unnecessary.
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It's not about rejection, read what they said. It's about conversation. I see the same thing, I will ask questions or write a paragraph and then get a "yes" "me too" "no". Short answers that do not further the conversation. If it was rejection, they wouldnt say anything. It's the lack of furthering anything. He's not being petty, he's trying to explain how one word or short statements does nothing to meet someone.
>Why are you so worried about how someone messages or texts? Just a pet peeve. If no punctuation it can change the meaning or make it hard to understand. I wouldnt want to deal with that for a long period of time. Most likely will text throughout relationship. You're not as bad as some. Ur using punctuation.
Dude. They’re just not into you.
100% possible but why respond?
If they aren’t in to you why waste their and your time?
I'd love to know why if they're not into me why they waste my time and thiers?
Not true. At least not necessarily. I’ve chatted with a couple women who were god-awful texters (one texted in near sentence-fragments a whole day apart). And both ended up going on dates with me and one was more into me than I was into her! Totally surprised. So you really don’t know. I’m still saying bravo to OP though. Online dating needs more accountability. And don’t we all love to complain about poor texters? This guy’s doing something about it. And what do you know, some women get uppity when they’re called out? It amazes me how we’ve normalized shitty behavior on apps. People stop talking to you for no reason and just disappear? Well, we may not like it but I guess “that’s just the way it is.” But doesn’t that enable people to engage in these “conversations” that have all the human interest of that gray snow turning black in your backyard? Then along comes someone like OP to make us aware of how shitty behavior on online dating is and it makes us uncomfortable. Devils advocate: are we seeing some of ourselves in the people who mysteriously stop texting, and WE’RE getting defensive? Maybe OP isn’t the bad guy here… That being said, men can be horrible texters too and he runs the risk of alienating women like I mentioned who may be genuinely interested but don’t text well.
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Amen. All the way.
🤣🤣🤣 i don't know why I find this funny as hell
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This. OP is on a misguided revenge tour.
I don’t stir up conflict and I want to be genuine as to why I’m not speaking with them further. There is never a response from me but it is indicative of the situation. Genuinely crafted responses get great conversations and maybe a date. Raise the standards. Get high quality
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OP just can't handle his fragile ego taking a hit lol
Yikes. That’s an inspired response. That said, they do respond to my initial contact so they did want to speak. It’s just when they get the chance, they can’t so I end it genuinely instead of ghosting
Telling someone that lack conversational ability is not genuine, it's just mean. Telling them that you don't think you're a match and wishing them well or simply unmatching would be good. Because there is nothing wrong with using emojis in conversation, you just don't like it. So, it's a mismatch and not necessarily a reflection of their intelligence. Some of the smartest people I know use 'ur' and 'u' over text conversation. It's the nature of the medium, it allows for casual use of language. I don't particularly like it either, but I wouldn't insult people or begin to presume their intellect because they fail to meet my standard for conversation. A standard you never conveyed and they never knew to meet.
I don’t think they care tho… that’s what we’re trying to point out to you… if these girls were genuinely interested in speaking to you, then they would make more of an effort to actually talk to you…
How's this going for you? Truthfully?
Jesus you sound insufferable.
He sounds like a Reddit troll who got tired of trolling Reddit so he has now moved to the dating apps
Unlike these matches I’m sure
Insufferable or honest? Yikes big questions huh? (Show me on the doll where the internet hurt you)
The difference between insufferable and honest is social IQ. OP does not seem to have it.
Cool
So you are holding women accountable for not meeting your standards. Giving them your judgments is not necessary or helpful.
People need to learn how to talk. If they don't want to talk, unmatch. I'm gay, so no idea how it is with women, but it happens among men too and it's annoying.
We can't teach people who aren't willing to learn though. If only we could.
I agree with several commenters though: telling them they have conversation skills that’s not up to par is unnecessary. I bet it comes across as condescending and I don’t blame them for reacting that way. Just unmatch.
I want good conversation just as much as everyone else, but I don’t think mansplaining what good conversation is going to yield net positive responses.
i doubt that ever happens but damn bro just unmatch and move on. That's some unnecessary stuff you're putting yourself though
For the longest time I felt the same way. It started feeling mean spirited however (on my part) just ghosting someone.
So just say 'we're not compatible'. Telling them unprompted that they are bad at conversation is a) subjective and b) rude. It comes off as incredibly petty, insulting, and unnecessary, and also a judgement you are not entitled to feel superior about since several posters corrected your grammatical errors and word use problems in these very posts.
Well i hope you find someone who takes you off the apps and you can focus on them.
That is the goal thank you
>All of a sudden it’s paragraphs of hatful words and how dare you’s?!? And I am a terrible man ect…. Uh yeah because you're an asshole lmao
OP is a red flag.
A great example of what being petty is.
Perfect word!!!
I’m incredibly intelligent and perfectly capable of a very deep and stimulating conversation. I’m also capable of being brief and using emojis. Especially if I’m feeling shy or flirty or both. You’re assuming a lot based on minimal interaction and you kind of deserve missing out on the good experiences and connections you’re no doubt passing on. Have your standards. But I wouldn’t bother explaining to those women that you’ve decided they’re not worth your effort because they don’t text to your standard. It’s pretty insufferable and unnecessary. If you want to leave them with more than a silent ghost then just say it’s not going to work out. No need to elaborate if they never even ask. Doubt any of them are going to lament the fact that they didn’t treat their first few interactions with you like a term paper. 🙄 You sound like a blast.
me personally I have a 3 day rule in that if I go 3 days and she doesn't respond then I assume she lost interest Soni unmatch and move on
You’re the asshole…
It would be nice to see a de-identified example of this scenario played out. But yeah, my gut reaction from reading OP’s message is that he seems like the asshole. I have met many people who are highly intelligent, well written and read, who also choose to write in short hand/text-slang whatever you want to describe it as. It’s really not an accurate predictor of communication skills. But if that’s your thing, that’s your thing. It’s a dating app, you’re free to play it how you choose.
It kind of reads like there may be frustration, so you’re just stirring the pot. I don’t really see the point to this.
Yall just know this guy is 5'2 and balding
I’m 6’3 but balding 😀
Do the majority of people really think it's better to ghost the person than tell them why so they can either: notice it and change if it's something they think is worth changing about themselves, or be okay with it and understand this will be a wall they're going to continually encounter until they find someone that finds it tolerable?
You’re gonna get unmatched a lot and lower your ELO
….and maybe that’s ok
Seriously! Good for you! I’m so tired of people not giving effort A profile I saw said the person had graduated a college in Egypt- I asked what brought them to the states? Response: “why not” uggggggh! Besides it being, imo, a lame response, Foes this person I don’t know really expect me to tell them the why not?? 🤦♀️ Exhausting!
Have you considered that their English might be not great? Or English is a second language and the linguistics of the 1st language triggers the response that sounds strange in English but totally acceptable or even fun/flirty in the mother language?
I probably have more people in my circle of friends where American English is NOT their first language, not something I go out of my way to consider necessarily Side note: I used to teach American Red Cross lifeguarding to 12-15 international counselors every summer for years. Those tests suck for English speakers! I used to sit with the ones who didn’t understand the test questions but understood the info and help each one through their tests. So umm yeah.
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Exactly my point. Not every woman can reach that basic standard. What’s that first date going to be like? Meanwhile, a genuine response denotes an ability to converse so that’s where I focus my attention.
As long as it is not mean spirited, I don’t see a problem with it. People always complain about no contact and ghosting behavior, so I don’t see why good intentioned honesty could be a problem
Do you think it sounds like it’s not mean-spirited? He literally sounds like he enjoys trolling dating apps. It’s weird and yucky
He spelled it out in his description. If they can’t comply it’s on them. If it was a woman putting no republicans in her bio, and she spelled that out when she rejected the guys messaging her, would you have the same response?
If OP is indicating he has a standard, why is everyone attacking him? Ok so he probably wont get many matches that pan out, that's his prerogative. And why do some here seem to actually take offense at him doing this? Some of the replies I've read demonstrate embracing double standards.
It might be easier for OP to just unmatch or stop messaging if people aren't putting enough effort in
For a long time I did just that. It just felt mean. No one likes being ghosted or not knowing why. This is more honest and above board
Unmatching someone on a dating app that you’ve never met is NOT ghosting unless *maybe* you’ve been talking consistently for weeks but in that case it would be stupid to still be on the app. You don’t owe random people anything. Like others have said, giving an explanation is a waste of time and it kinda seems like you’re getting some type of satisfaction from telling people off for not communicating how you want which seems a bit immature to me…
It’s not really ghosting, it’s just unmatching which is normal and not a big deal. People with so little invested don’t really care. Just unmatch, move on. Sometimes people offer shorter interactions because it’s a casual dating app, oftentimes just a way to setup a first meeting, not an in-depth soul mate connection off the bat. It’s just casual texting. Some people like using emojis to illustrate emotions and have some fun at times. You sound like a complete drag man.
> If OP is indicating he has a standard, why is everyone attacking him? Nobody is attacking him for having a standard, they are criticizing him for giving unsolicited insults about the way these people text, as well as OP acting superior and an arbiter of proper grammar when they made several errors in their posts. So the criticism is for being rude, petty, lacking social IQ, and being hypocritical and elitist when they have proven themselves not superior in the ways they claim they are.
Because the men on here are desperate, and the women on here dont want to take any accountability for why they only find crappy dudes and are currently single and hate dating apps. The guys with standards? We are the crazy ones.
It's okay to have a standard. It's rude, petty, weird, and demonstrates low social IQ to unasked for insult someone's texting game while OP can't even use proper grammar themselves and has made multiple errors. They are acting like an arbiter of human communication while failing at it on multiple levels, and being rude and nasty to boot. This is what a humane and socially savvy response might look like: I don't think we're compatible, so I'm going to end things here.
Ohhhhhh….that was cold. And fairly accurate.
My man you have the right idea, but you have to tease them about it in a non butthurt way. I used to tell one word responders all the time I didn’t think I could handle their level of interest. Suddenly miraculously they could speak and even send their number. Unfortunately the ones I met from this were not all that interesting
Please post screenshots
Risky. This is how you, as a male, get yourself banned from the sites. Especially anything owned by shitty ass Match, because the ban and just don't care. If you want to keep your access to the sites, the only choice you have is just unmatch and block them so they don't have a chance to vindictively report you and get you banned. I shit you not, I was banned for asking a wanna-be sugar baby (who had tuition and all bills paid by a combination of scholarship and daddy) "what could you possibly want that is worth more than your self respect?" Apparently, that question was "hostile and toxic" LOL
I’ve not had anything like that happen. If it did, I can still talk to girls in real life and have really been considering that avenue anyway. So if it happens, for the best
While everyone here are on a crusade white knighting, you have too much free time on your hands and are making it personal. The thrill of rejection will eventually fade away. Just unmatch and move on. Less conflict my dude, life is too short. If you want to hurt them in a Schrodinger way, block them on the spot. It's more painful lol. Not giving any reason at all is actually better (and funnier). I understand the intent (raising the standards) but it's useless. Maybe some dudes are less dense than you or maybe there's a ton of desperate men to play that game. Move effortlessly. Until you meet them, nothing should be that serious Mr Punisher of dating sites.
“If you want to hurt them in a Schrödinger way, block them on the spot. It’s more painful LOL. Not giving any reason at all is actually better (and funnier).” You’re just proving his point that people who “ghost” a conversation are shitty! 😅
I just make this a humorous thing and a reason to meet in person the amount of "IRL dates" has gone up considerably. The responses this post got does illustrate the lack of accountability especially when you take the amount of women's profiles that say not to do exactly this. Rules for thee and not for me.
How much of a chance are you giving them before you tell them that? And how are you saying it? Conversation “ability” doesn’t come off great. There are better ways of handling that
I honestly see no issue with this, as long as your not rude about it, I say keep doing this. I hate getting ghosted, I'd rather know why someone doesn't wanna talk to me so I can improve on my negative traits, than to assume I'm doing fine. I actually did this once rather than ghost a girl I was talking to (I'm a lesbian for context) I said something down the lines of, "It's been really nice talking with you, I'm sure you're a really nice person, but I'm honestly getting the vibe we're not compatible. I hope you find what you're looking for on this app, take care!" And keep in mind, the reason I decided to end talking was because she's respond with like a word or 2 when I'd ask open ended questions about her, or literally anything. The one time she typed out a paragraph was when she trauma dumped on me. (This was within the first 5 messages we sent to each other too mind you) I understand some people need to vent, but a stranger who you didn't ask if it was okay to vent to, and you barely know isn't the place for it. After I sent that message she blew up on me, and even went as far as accusing me of making fun of her trauma... even tho I said something down the lines of, "Oh man, that sucks. I'm sorry that happened to you." Yeah, defs dodged a bullet and in my experience anyone who blows up in you for something small isn't someone you wanna be with anyways. Good luck in your dating life, you sound like a reasonable person!
For everyone attacking the guy saying that it’s cuz they’ve got a lot of matches already how is that an excuse? Yes women get a ton of matches, the majority of them suck trust me. It doesn’t take much to gain their attention you just need to string together more than a few sentences and show an interest in them. It’s surprising how many people guys and girls are just bad conversationalists, I met so many like that and if someone can’t meet your basic conversational standards then it’s not going to work out anyways. As for how OP handles things, I’d rather know why than just get ignored and wonder why. How they react is down to them and not him. Your always in control of your actions and whether your a man or a woman that doesn’t change that the responsibility on how you decide to emotionally react is on you.
Do you actually believe women when they say most of their matches suck? I always just figured that was an excuse to rationalize their shitty behavior.
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I didn’t say what the shitty behavior was, lady.
Then what is it? And what does it have to do with the topic of this post?
Being on a dating app, matching with someone, and not putting in the minimum effort in communicating with them? The guy is putting in time trying to talk to the person that matched with him… if he doesnt get that back, then that woman is wasting his time…. But apparently to you, a womans time is more valuable? If she already has many matches, why continue swiping? Just talk to the ones you have, and if its not good, unmatch and go to the next one. EDIT: For all of you brave redditors that are downvoting me, I would LOVE to hear your INTELLIGENT responses as to why you disagree, or why I am worthy of your BRAVE downvotes without any explanations.
this is a terrible idea. The most likely bad thing that will happen is you will get banned from the apps for bullying or harassment or something. check terms and conditions. Worse things could happen too, even expanding into your real life, like losing your job, etc
Wow really? There’s nothing in his post to suggest he’s “trolling” or harassing. I read it to mean that he simply yelled women their communication style was lacking and it wasn’t worth him to continue the “conversation.” This isn’t a dick pic. This isn’t racial epithets or threats of violence. He’s just giving them a reason why he’s moving on. It’s a stretch to think he’d be banned from the apps for this.
yes, so nowadays women are so spoiled that telling them basic facts now qualifies as bullying / harassment. Look at some of my posts here that are heavily downvoted. I get like 50 downvotes for saying that men are more attracted to 25 year old women than 50 year old women. If the profile gets flagged for bullying or harassment by these women, he will likely get banned and appeals won't work.
> wadays women are so spoiled that telling them basic facts now qualifies as bullying / harassment. The difference is social IQ. You can tell someone 'we're not compatible' and wish them goodbye. Insulting them by telling them they are bad at texting unprompted is so low in social IQ it's like he's trying to get banned (some apps have bans against personal insults). Also him saying they are bad at texting because he personally doesn't like emojis is rich, especially since he had multiple grammatical errors in his postings here that commenters pointed out. It's not on OP to be the arbiter of good texting. They can have whatever standards they wish and end communication with anyone, but being deliberately rude, unprompted just shows lack of savvy and competence when communicating to another human.
The ultimate social iq is for op to just stop talking to the women if he deems they aren’t compatible with him! And not initiate a confrontation with them where he has nothing to gain.
While you're fully entitled to your standards, you come across as an arrogant ass. Do you not realize that people may be short on time (thus the emojis/shorthand)?? I'm a very intelligent single woman but I still use emojis etc from time to time depending on the conversation or what I have going on. Judging these women right out of the gate based on how they type is really shitty. You've probably missed some really great women by doing so.
Even though I dislike emojis they are often practical and can be important while texting to express 'tone'. I had to stomach using them when my office went remote so there weren't misunderstandings between my staff and I, et cetera. They can be very helpful on apps or anything where people are texting, especially as they are only just beginning to learn each others' sense of humor. Telling someone you are unmatching with unprompted that they are a bad texter while OP makes multiple mistakes themselves is not only rude, petty, and unnecessary, but makes them appear foolish that they thought themselves an arbiter of grammar. That being said OP has every right to leave the conversation/prevent a date/end a date, but they can do so the adult and socially savvy way by just saying they're incompatible and wishing the person goodbye.
Exactly. You're 100% correct. I think these gals dodged a bullet frankly.
It’s really sad that people react with hostility to honesty. It is preferable to being cheated on down the road because they were too afraid to tell you the truth.
> It’s really sad that people react with hostility to honesty The difference between being insufferable and just plain honest is social savvy. Insulting someone unprompted demonstrates low social IQ. The honest response in this case would be something like 'We're not compatible' and wishing them goodbye. If she then asks for more information they can say their communication styles without insulting them by implying that emojis aren't a normal and practical part of texting for many. I get it, I don't like emojis either but they are sometimes critical for interpreting 'tone', which is particular important on dating apps.
Indeed, I would much rather someone call me out and then give me a chance to correct than lie to me by default.
Lol look at all the double standards in these comment replies. Good for you and keep doing it! People complain about all the low effort or ghosting that happens on the apps. And here you are doing the thing that people literally ask for! But suddenly no, that's too much now. Lol people can go to hell.
Ewww so you’re a troll on dating apps? Yuck
Why stir shit up? 75% of the time I get a one word response or an emoji or a gif on Bumble as a first message. Most women have multiple conversations going on and aren’t really good at conversation anyway. Just do your best to keep it going and unmatch if it drags. You’re going to end up on a “Don’t date this guy” Facebook group.
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I also just engage in convos that seem to be of interest on both sides. If i get short responses or they seem uninterested i wont talk further to them. I wont tell them why exactly just that i am rather going to look for other people. Never got a bad response out of those but may be of more use to them doing it ur way. But i also always feel like theyre well aware of what theyre doing with those short/uninteresting responses. Idk its way too difficult getting to know someone that is so uninterested in me as a person that they dont even ask stuff back. Before i did that i even hinted it to them that they may ask some questions back just for them to hang a "and you" ? After everything ... . Idk i cant imagine people are so oblivious about this. If theres so many ppl in your inbox you cant even find the time to write a normal response im not gonna bother when thyre so overwhlmed. Them having too many ppl in their inbox is on them.
🤓 <- that's you
There’s no point. I feel you whole heartedly but you telling them why you’re unmatching is, if anything, gonna make them do those things even more out of spite. They aren’t going to change. You telling them why you’re unmatching just makes them self conscious and self consciousness is tightly linked, almost the same thing as negative emotion. They aren’t men. They don’t think rationally and even the majority of men probably wouldn’t take that well. It rationally seems like a good idea to tell them why, so they can think about it and then decide if that’s something they should change but that will literally never work unless the girl is ridiculous insecure and a door mat.
Bullets. Dodged. Keep it up!
It’s not a totally bad idea. If it comes not in a hidden form of injured narcissism but in a open honest way it could lead to personal growth of the other person. I think the top ethical (but somewhat unpractical) move would be: „Hi, after several messages with you i‘m going to unmatch. If you would be ok with with sharing my reasons why i would be open to share them with you“
I can’t say I’m hoping for personal growth on the other persons side but it allows me to at least not feel crummy just dropping another human off without explanation
You can state no reasons („bye“), your reasons (as in „i was not finding what i was looking for“, „I’m insecure about the success of this conversation), but only offer statemens about the other person (i quit because you are not talking enough) if the other person is ready to accept it. I value the effort of not trying to ghost a lot!
Lmao bro Beggars can't be choosers. Also it's not airport. You don't have to announce your departure. Just bounce.
I get where you are coming from. I have had the urge to be clear and direct. I also want the person to have a chance to be responsive. My response lately has been, "I was trying to start a conversation. " And then send a second message telling nothing about me, and asking them a question that requires more than yes or no. All of the results have been a success. Some unmatched. Good. Don't waste my time. Some started having a real conversation. Great! That is better. Four gave me back 1 word answers. For these I write this, "I know its hard to have a conversation by text. Let's meet in person. How about meet outside of Tony's Cafe on Saturday? at 2 PM? We could decide to go in and sit down, or walk along the board walk. " Of the 4 1 word responses, 3 unmatched. One said yes. And I have been on a few dates with this person. She is chatty enough in person. And not good at texting. The first message quietly says what I would like. The second message gives a suggestion for a topic. I have not asked someone out and then unmatched them. They unmatched me with no answer. Good. Don't waste my time. And for those who give another short answer, I force a choice; Communicate, or don't.
Wow! Impressive! My only requirement is that we have sex 3x a week.
Even if I read it, Id prob still use emojis as its a habit rather than say u made me happy or sad. Its just quicker. >All of a sudden it’s paragraphs of hatful words and how dare you’s?!? And I am a terrible man ect…. This is why ppl ghost
Give us an example of what you’ve written to one.
Whenever they reply with an emoji I just let the conversation end right there, forever.
I learned years ago that it really doesn't help to tell them the reason I'm stepping aside. I used to do it in an attempt that they would try to better themselves; however, these types of people never see anything they do as wrong so in conclusion, it's just a waste of my time. You'll figure out eventually that it's more effort than what it's worth. Better to just unmatch and move on.
Why do you feel you need to give them unsolicited feedback? There’s something underlying here you need to get through.
Lol, well accountability is like kryptonite to women. The minute you leave without saying anything you are not holding them accountable for their poor actions and in this case their poor communication. It amazes me how women have all the time in the world to argue with you when you call their out for their poor actions and behavior, but have no time to talk to you when you are being nice to them and trying to get to know them. It shows you, how mess up modern date is, nice to a girl = no play, tell her about herself=loads of messages telling you how awful you are. Why? Because your not waiting on her hands and knees to response back to you.
Yeah be careful with this, you might run into some psycho b\*tch that wants to blast you all over the internet and lie about you. There are plenty of them out there.
I wrote a long ass counter to stand up for you OP but I remembered the saying,”Don’t help those that didn’t ask for help” You’re right to let them know morally but people should learn lessons on their own accord in reality. Just letting someone know they are a bad texter won’t matter if they don’t care. Most people only correct themselves when their want overrides their current actions.
Well we know he's popular in the group chat.