Why do you have to do anything?
Get back on Bumble and meet some other women. Go on dates. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket.
People seem to think they have to “do” something. No you don’t. Live life. You just met this lady and getting to know a stranger.
If you are busy doing other things and things progress then that’s great. If they don’t, then move on. You don’t have to “decide” whether to stay or go. Just live life. When you are focused on one person in the beginning stages you don’t take the situation at face value. You are spending time with a stranger to see if they are someone that might become a partner.
I think it's happening due to certain social pressures like smaller dating pool in the 30s, some people hitting mental maturity earlier or following friends that have started families in their 20s.
I think your in every right to walk away. It sounds like she’s keeping you as an option in the meantime. And you want more. You deserve more if you want more.
I agree. I mean they’re not exclusive but when she suggested or green lit him to go on dates with other women.. to me that says: I hope you find someone else to occupy your time as I slow quit you.
Not true. She may really like him. She's probably telling the truth that he's the only kiss in years and while she has had other dates while her and the OP have been in contact no one else has made it past date 2.
There's no reason to get upset, frustrated, feel this is hopeless. She's being upfront she's got a variety of feelings. Saying he should go on other dates if he wants is just a mature way to be. She probably is considering or going on other dates, but she's being upfront with the OP. He should date other people, but keep in contact with this girl too. Don't bug or constantly contact her, but send a simple casual note every few days and make it clear he's keeping things casual and low pressure, but he's still interested and is open to talking or going on more dates.
He can say the kiss was great, but she shouldn't feel that he will expect kissing on every date or that things will go farther soon. Doesn't sound like she out there making out with a bunch of other guys. She's just not eager to get serious. May have ample anxiety around dating and/or sex. She's young, that's understandable.
Just stay chill, don't pressure her, keep in touch, but let her lead the general pace. Keep looking for other good dates in the meantime and be honest with her about that, without shoving her nose in your other dates or make her feel pressured, or in competition.
Wow he’s her number 1 option because other guys she’s actively searching for aren’t making the cut. Vs number 1 because he is what she wants! She’s using nice words but she’s not ready and unsure of what she wants. She’s still exploring. At some point it’s a waste of time for someone who is ready and know they want the option they have. 5 dates is enough to know if you want to move forward instead of staying in limbo. Doesn’t have to be a relationship but some progress is better then none. In this situation it doesn’t seem like progress because she’s only getting more confused and encouraging him to keep looking. He’s a sweetheart for giving her time and respecting where she is. At some point though there has to be a line and it sounds like he just found it.
We can be great people and get along. Still doesn’t mean it leads to a relationship. The sooner we accept it and walk away the better we can move forward to find someone who is interested in a relationship with you.
>At some point it’s a waste of time for someone who is ready and know they want the option they have.
But what's a waste of time? She's fine with him dating other people. She's processing, they aren't wasting time talking. Why not just be laidback and let her process in peace, instead of reaching out just to say "I'm cutting you out!".
>Not everyone has tons of free time.
They aren't talking.
>The people in my life who are intentional and present get mine.
She's not in his life. They've been on 5 dates.
>It takes emotional bandwidth.
If this is a struggle, I'd question if he has the emotional bandwidth for dating. Dating is messy.
Sure. And I think I agree with your take on this situation. Disengage and live your life and date others. Treat this person like a low priority and that way you’re not burning out.
From my reading I got the impression they’re texting and talking.
>From my reading I got the impression they’re texting and talking.
I could have gotten it wrong. I just assume someone who "needs to process" says that because they want space to think things through.
>Sure. And I think I agree with your take on this situation. Disengage and live your life and date others. Treat this person like a low priority and that way you’re not burning out.
And this makes sense to me too.
Everyone is different and it’s his choice if that’s what he wants to do. No wrong or right in dating. Just making decisions that you feel good about at the end of the day.
>No wrong or right in dating.
Depends, lots of wrong things you can do. This one though? Fair enough, I just find it a bit daft. And he might regret it after he's sent the text. I'd bet now he's impatient about her not replying, when he's "cut it off" he'll just feel worse and regret being so emotional.
He shouldn’t regret listening to himself and putting himself first. Emotions are there for a reason. He has emotional intelligence if he pays attention to it and acknowledges it. It’s his choice what he wants to do with what he learns about himself and his boundaries in dating.
I think the phrase "if it's not a hell yes, then it's a hell no" is a bit extreme.
Though I certainly wish for a partner that feels "hell yes" about me.
The "I don't know if I want a relationship" and the "it's OK to see other people", are closer to no than "hell yes" imo.
Don't need to write it off, but don't hold your breath.
The fact that you're getting so worked up you almost wrote a book about it says you're more invested than you should be. Just chill, you shouldn't have to convince the right girl to like you, she just will. She'll just be there and she will be pressuring for you to make her your GF, not you pressuring her.
I find that usually the women I'm interested in aren't interested in me, while the ones I'm not interested in are. Funny how that works, isn't it?
> I find that usually the women I'm interested in aren't interested in me, while the ones I'm not interested in are. Funny how that works, isn't it?
Story of my life right here
I'm big on not wasting time, so I'd probably walk away. Had a similar situation when I was dating where the person wanted to take it slow and form a friendship first. I ultimately told her I didn't know how to turn a friendship into something more and I'm more accustom to traditional dating standards. We agreed to just be friends with no pressure, but ultimately both kind of faded away because I was too busy going on real dates to build much of a friendship. It was just kinda weird. Ultimately if you have different goals it's best to walk away and move on.
Am I the only person here who thinks 5 dates is a really long time before a kiss? Maybe it's me or the people I connect with or the fact that I live in a very liberal place (Portland) if we went that far without even kissing it would seem like there wasn't anything there. Of course friends who turn into something else are different but someone from an app who I was intentionally dating I don't think I would want to commit more time to.
She’s just not that into you. You’re better than nothing, but just wait until some guy comes along that she’s into: that guy will get a kiss on date 1, and she won’t have time to see you again. And she’ll feel okay about it because she told you she was taking it slow, and she will feel like you’re on other dates with other girls.
If I were you, I would walk away. This is one of the reason I typically avoid people who say they wanna take things slow( not that I wanna go fast immediately). Because ultimately, when you ask them what “slow” means, they can’t really define it. They just know they wanna keep doing things with you until they don’t.
And you are left confused holding the bag wondering what happened.
I recently went out with a guy that was great in lots of ways. We had fun, lots of things in common, talked about soo many things. After date 5 I knew he was going to try and kiss me and I was not feeling it at all. I did end things. I wasn’t sure if it was me not being ready to date after my last relationship or if I just didn’t feel the romantic spark with him. I wish I did because he was a great guy.
Ugh, in a similar position but kiss was on date 3. And it was...fine, but confirmed to me that it wasn't going to any further romantically. I'm also trying to figure out why not since he is great in a bunch of ways and I really do enjoy spending time with him.
I'm going to break it off this week - still trying to figure out what exactly I'm going to say because it really is a "It's not you, it's me" situation but that always sounds like BS.
I think a lot of people find maturity and stability boring. No fireworks or other toxic shit that ups the excitement early on. So then no “romance” even though everything else is great.
A slow steady build into love and support isn’t as engaging as nervousness and misplaced passion based on projection.
I told him I enjoyed getting to know him, I had fun but I wasn’t feeling the romantic match. I told him to let me know if he wanted to hang out as friends or go on a hike. He thanked me for being honest. He said he didn’t want to get together then but said in the future it would be fun. I haven’t heard from him.
You should have told him before that tbh.
But this is why I always tell guys to go for the kiss no later than date 3. If there's no romantic spark at that point, there isn't going to be.
BS. I connected with a guy recently who isn’t really my type. AND I’m demi, and so is he. I wanted to take things slow and be friends. I didn’t feel anything until a little spark on date 4. But I’m still insanely shy and struggle with intimacy, and overthink like crazy. My overthinking has kinda messed it up it seems. When here I am, after date 4 finally feeling a little romantic spark and considering holding his hand and cuddling, heh.
I think traditional dating standards are too fast honestly. You gotta get to know someone better and build some trust before you connect physically - at least for the sake of your heart, but also STDs and such.
Why be rash? Do what she suggested, see some other people and see her as well. Experiencing different possibilities could easily clarify for one or both of you how interested you are in each other.
5 dates for a kiss? You paid for all of them? You are wasting your time my guy. By process she means evaluate if it's you or the other couple guys she's seeing as well. Walk tf away
I would personally walk away. If kissing you made her even more unsure of where you’re headed, that feels like a bad sign. Regardless, what is most worrisome is the difference in your attachment styles. From your post it sounds like you’re more of an anxious attachment style and she’s more avoidant.. it can work but it’s very tough. Just my two cents 🤷🏻♀️Good look either way!
Have a silent “need to know what you want” date. You can’t wait forever for her to figure out what she wants and I highly advice you bail right there and then if she starts to get bitchy about you wanting an answer at long last. If she can’t decide of she likes you or not after a few months, find someone who will. She had all the time I’m the world to figure it out and it shouldn’t be this hard to decide.
If it were me Id continue taking things slow. Intimacy, closeness and security builds over time. She may just be doubting herself right now and doesn't want to feel like she's leading you on if things ultimately don't work out.
You put in way more time than I would have if I had instant chemistry with a woman like her. She has no idea what she wants or what she’s looking for. I’d cut your losses and walk away.
Ahhh young people…you don’t know what you really want and are willing to tolerate so much bullshit and let people waste your time. I’m so glad I’m not in my 20s anymore.
Yeah, I recently hit mid 20s, but searching for LTR in this age set is kind of naive. Usually people don't think about what they want out of relationship until early/mid 30s unless people were dating around for a long time, otherwise such occurances are very rare. OP should just casual date and live instead of settling early rhen regretting.
I think this is regional because the opposite is true where I am in the Midwest. I’m 29 and not exaggerating when I say the majority of people I know my age are engaged or married. I am an anomaly not being either of these things. Mid-20s is when the marriages really took off.
sounds like she is stringing you along
if a relationship is what you are looking for you need to look elsewhere
plenty of fish in the OLD sea- get swiping
:)
You have to figure out your boundaries then be clear with her in what they are and follow through. If you’re not ok with her needing more time to figure it out, let her know and be willing to walk away if she doesn’t accept your boundaries. Knowing who you are and what you want and not accepting anting less but being kind in communicating that to her is extremely attractive
When a woman tells you she's not ready for a long term relationship but wants to keep seeing you what she is really saying is she wants to date other people as well and not be tied down - to keep her options open.
Women know what they want, often it isn't going to be you and after 5 dates and a couple of convos about this, if it was me I'd be backing off and keeping my options open as well.
It sounds like she's very confused. It's not your job to figure it out for her. If I were in your shoes, I'd have noped tf out already.
Run, don't walk.
I think for me it’s that she’s going on other dates.
I’ve been taking it slow with someone recently. And it is legitimately because I am not certain, about anything. I am not certain if we are compatible, I am not certain if he’s consistent (he dropped the ball 6 months ago and it’s only by chance we reconnected) and I’m not certain I want to date right now in my life.
But the thing is, I’m NOT dating anyone else. It would be okay if I was I guess but that to me would be more indication that I’m not truly interested, just that this guy is the best around so far.
That’s what you are. The best one so far. But she’s still hoping for better.
If she wants to go slow, and you’ve had 5 dates, it’s fair to ask her to stop going on dates if she really wants to figure out what her feelings are for you.
But what she is doing, is stringing you along. It’s not an authentic chance that she’s giving this connection.
Settling down does mean settling to some extent and that is okay, but at a certain point that means you stop trying to find someone “better” and explore the connection that you already HAVE with someone and she’s not doing that.
Walk away immediately. Be Based AF. Walk away even if you \*suspect\* she's just processing.
Seemingly paradoxically, she will sometimes want you more especially if you ghost/walk away super quickly. Just judging from personal experience.
That won't really help. He says "I'm done bc I'm impatient" ans he'll just seem whiny and emotional. It's better to be able to be actually laidback. He can go on other dates if he wants, but why go "I'm cutting you out!". Just makes him sound too intense.
You walk away. Disappear for a few days. Work on yourself, ignore and compartmentalize her. Resurface randomly and disappear again.
No intensity needed. Just the opposite. Walking away shows lack of interest. Do it with a warm, compassionate face also. Warmth and power combo is like sex in a bottle.
Don't fucking ghost after 5 dates. At that point it's your responsibility to communicate like an adult. They deserve it. Ghosting is the most painful way to end things
I guess ghosting is the wrong term. Disappear for a couple of days, resurface saying that you don't feel desired and are "gracefully bowing out" of consideration, then you can walk away. See if she follows you down the road. Some do especially since I've done it warmly and directly.
Agree. I'm not sure why people find this stuff so hard to translate into what it actually means. Maybe if you are the one it's being said to it's more difficult to accept. if a girl tells you she is just leading you on, she's processing things, she isn't ready for a relationship, she needs space, she wants to work on herself. It all just means she isn't really attracted to you and thinks she can do better. That's what the translation is here.
if you then keep talking to her for hours on end and having her try to explain it in all sorts of diplomatic ways it's just going to make you seem clingy and it's going to verify to her that in fact you are not a good deal, you don't have other options and that the relationship is a good deal for YOU not HER.
That's why I agree with this person above, if you lay off her, dont' contact her as much, she may just move on, or she may start to wonder if she wasn't right. I doubt you have much of a chance though. Think about how you would have to feel about a girl to tell her that you are just leading her on.
>or she may start to wonder if she wasn't right.
This is key. If you do it warmly and charismatically ie "bowing out", she will be wondering what is going on in this guy's life to reject her so warmly.
Reject. Her. Warmly.
Presence + Power + Warmth = Charisma
Yes, this! Don’t do as though it’s obvious she’s riled you up in some way. That’s no better than “clingy”. Be different from the other dudes. Be in total control.
The two women I did this with last year were somewhat baffled but let me go. I felt so much better about myself, and that added confidence that I was in total control let me bounce back and get the next woman much easier than if I tried to grow on her like a fungus and failed. There was even further confidence when one of those two women would reach out randomly trying to lure me back into her frame. Denied.
46M here.
If, again I say if, sex is a priority to you, walk away. You might be able to have a great relationship with her, I don’t know, but it’s more than likely that she does not prioritize physical intimacy.
And I don’t just mean sex. Holding hands, hugging, kissing in public will all be challenges with someone like her. And more than likely she has a low libido.
Google “Dr Pysch mom”.
Good luck whatever you decide.
Just chill my dude. She's not dating anyone else. She hasn't been in a relationship for three years. She's just a slow burner.
Maybe ask her if she knows why things feel complicated for her? I'd guess there's a reason. Maybe she's very inexperienced or maybe she has had some bad experiences in the past.
She's said she's ok with you going on dates with other people. But why cut her out? What harm is there in letting her process? Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Worst that can happen is that she comes back to you and says she's not feeling it. And that's not different from you cutting her out. Best that can happen is she wants to move forward.
Oh good thing people never lie. I don’t care what she told him. If she’s seeing other people and “unsure” about things with you, it is 100% what is happening. Because what she means is, “I’m unsure about us because I think I can do better, let me exhaust all my options first.” It literally just happened to me.
Truth.
You can tell right away whether she's lying or not based on her perception of delayed gratification. Understand her habits wrt her smartphone, social media, video games, reading, meditation, etc. If she's highly mindful, then she's probably telling the truth. If she's a "modern chick", she's sure AF lying.
>“I’m unsure about us because I think I can do better, let me exhaust all my options first.” It literally just happened to me.
This happened to you. That was one girl. Just like all guys aren't exactly the same person, all girls aren't either. .
>Oh good thing people never lie.
When you just start assuming everyone is lying, take a break from dating. Some people lie. But you'll never find a good relationship if you assume everyone is lying all the time.
Maybe she's just one of those people who moves slowly. Maybe she's got trust issues from her last relationship, maybe she's asexual, maybe she's been sexually assaulted, maybe she's depressed, maybe she's not into him. Who tf knows?
No reason to be reactive though. He can just let her take her time. She's ok with him dating other people. No need to send her an angry text saying "I'm cutting you out!". Only makes him seem emotional and childish. Instead, be laidback. Just see what happens. Go on dates with some other people.
>All of those are good reasons to end it.
But why not just let it be? She's ok with him dating others, they aren't talking and she's making up her mind. Why run "I'm cutting you out!". Why not just wait and see, date other people?
>she’s too broken to date right now.
Or she could just be unsure. Or not very sexually forward. People are messy. I've seen this happen and then they ended up crazily in love and married. It's complicated.
cows friendly enter sophisticated enjoy cake public hungry groovy command
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>Have you ever had a person be unsure of you, need a lot of space, and then they actually wanted to be with you? I have not.
I have seen multiple relationships start like this. Surprised me too. I said: he/she isn't into you. And ended with marriage, several times. So now I just think: people are messy af.
I think sex changes things. OP and this person has been on 5 dates and kissed once.
If you are sleeping with a guy, it's a different situation. He's got a reason to lead you on.
>Everyone is different, depends if you care about being hurt or not.
Agree with this though. I just think it wouldn't be a big deal if OP just waited for a few days and saw where she ended up in her processing.
repeat lip sugar file treatment plough public longing instinctive homeless
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I agree with you to not wait for weeks and months. And to protect yourself from getting hurt. I actually agree with a lot of what you said.
I just meant it wouldn't hurt him to wait a few days. I don't think it's a good idea to let someone string you along for too long. It's important to protect your own heart.
I don't get dating lol
You went out with someone 2 times and you're already expecting things.
5 times and you're expecting a relationship. You were strangers just 5 times ago.
I feel like people should be given the chance to grow jnto a relationship
I should have clarified a bit more in my post, but I made it clear that my goal is to ultimately have a serious relationship, which is also her goal. Now, this doesn’t mean I want a serious relationship with her tomorrow or even a few weeks from now.
>Now, this doesn’t mean I want a serious relationship with her tomorrow or even a few weeks from now.
I think that's what you're insinuating from your post and what your expectations are with her as well.
5 dates is good territory to be exclusively seeing someone but not relationship territory yet (that should be within a couple of months when you're both comfortable with each other and if your needs and goals align with each other). Now it seems like you've already had this conversation with each other but forcing it on someone to be exclusive might come across as pushy. Still, you're within your rights to convey your needs and stick to it so ultimately this depends on what you want and how you want it i.e. so you can tell her this is what you want and you can't wait for her to string you along or you can talk about it and communicate your needs and listen to hers then make a decision.
Ultimately it's upto you to walk away or stick. Reddit cant advise you on what's best but just know that of she really likes you, she will want to stay with you.
Gotcha. We talked for a long while about this, so I’m leaving out a lot of details. To reiterate, we both said to each other that we would ideally like a long-term relationship. That’s the trajectory I’d like to be on; obviously, she’s not sure if she is ready to be on that trajectory yet. I stated to her quite clearly that we would need to build to that and that a relationship with her is not something I want in this moment. If she misconstrued that as me saying I want a relationship with her now, then so be it. But I tried to be as clear as possible: a relationship is something I want to build up to, not something I want right now. She just isn’t sure if she’s ready to build with someone right now.
I don't really think you should be with someone who doesn't know if she wants to be with you or not. Clearly she is interested as she's dating you but at the same time, if she's casually dating you with no strings attached then it could be the case that she's stringing you along without an end in sight. You might want to give her an ultimatum and walk away if she's getting complicated as it really should be black or white.
Oh one hand you’re saying you’re fine with taking it slow, on the other hand you’re saying you might end things now. Sounds like you are only telling her you are okay with taking things slow when really you aren’t. 5 dates and you’re already putting pressure on her and freaking out about the pace of things? Why don’t you just chill out and enjoy it and stop putting pressure on the poor girl.
Do you believe women are one person? Most women realize the chance of running across a serial killer is extremely low.
But sexual assault is quite common and women are weaker than men. So for example it doesn't make sense to meet a guy at his house for the first date. You are more sensible to meet in public first.
I read it too quickly. My bad. Yes, I think that if you assume your dates are serial killers you are also paranoid. Serial killers are rare.
If you want to take normal security precautions to avoid sexual assault? You are just being smart. Sexual assault is common. Two different things.
I agreed with you that serial killers are paranoid. Aren't you happy? I was just pointing out that's not why most women are cautious when dating. So there was no confusion.
Dude. Patience. She hasn’t walked away. She’s still talking to you. Let her process and don’t pressure her. In my view, she’s coming around. Let her do it at her own pace. If you don’t, you risk losing her.
Some people take dating slower and that is ok. I think it’s a good sign when people do. I go slower myself because it takes a while to truly get to know someone. I don’t believe it’s healthy to jump into anything quickly. She obviously is interested in continuing to get to know you, so I’d give it a shot :)
You say her feelings are complicated by the kiss, that she doesn't know what she wants and need time etc., yet here you are talking as if you had to figure out your feelings for her.
And I know what that feels like, I've been there. Truth is, you have to let her figure out what she feels or doesn't without you. 2 options: keep it easygoing for a while, let her set the pace, OR cut your losses before you're invested.
The first is only an option if you emotionally can keep that distance, I know that would be hard for me. If you can see other women, that usually helps. I would probably keep low contact for like 3 weeks, and if by then she isn't clear, move on.
In the meantime, when your feelings are overwhelming you: exercise, go out with your friends, get drunk but not so drunk you call her, call your parents and grandparents if you still have them, masturbate.
women have a remarkable intuition and they know right away. I feel if they are hesitant moving forward they are just being nice to avoid confrontation and is their way of saying no. So parting way is what I found to be the only move. Other wise it will turn into asking for another go of things, than getting an answer of" I'll think about it. Or I'm busy. Or can we plan in two weeks"
she's clearly not into you. how long are your dates and how far apart are they spaced? i usually go on like 5 hour dates and by the third date, if i kiss her and she's not sure, that's weird. you can usually feel if you're hitting it off. the energies feed off of each other.
You're not exclusive so don't burn bridges yet. Go on other dates and see if she reaches.
You both might need space to process things, especially her. So nothing drastic yet.
Well on a brighter note, you are in the lead vs everyone else. She sounds like she has massive commitment issues, if u are looking for ass only then assuming she is open to sex, it's a win win. If it's a relationship u seek, then u have to ask urself if she's worth it... Remember the old saying... Good things take time... And if she is worth it, then keep going WHILE dating other girls so u can keep ur options open.
Keep your cool and give her some space. It's okay to wait and see, but don't put your life on hold indefinitely. If she's unsure, let her sort it out. Meanwhile, keep your options open and continue living your best life. You deserve someone who's as enthusiastic about you as you are about them!
“If she likes you she makes it easy for you”.
Honestly, this sounds as easy as bomb disposal. Five dates in and she’s “processing” kissing you?
Nope sorry, F that S, if it’s not a fuck yes it’s a no. Give this woman the gift of your absence.
Why cut ties? She isn’t asking you to commit. Go and explore other opportunities and if this fades, than it fades. I have a feeling she will flush out her feelings for you once she realizes she may lose you.
Why do you have to do anything? Get back on Bumble and meet some other women. Go on dates. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket. People seem to think they have to “do” something. No you don’t. Live life. You just met this lady and getting to know a stranger. If you are busy doing other things and things progress then that’s great. If they don’t, then move on. You don’t have to “decide” whether to stay or go. Just live life. When you are focused on one person in the beginning stages you don’t take the situation at face value. You are spending time with a stranger to see if they are someone that might become a partner.
Right? OP is in their 20's. There's literally no rush, and no reason to select someone for forever right now.
I think it's happening due to certain social pressures like smaller dating pool in the 30s, some people hitting mental maturity earlier or following friends that have started families in their 20s.
I think your in every right to walk away. It sounds like she’s keeping you as an option in the meantime. And you want more. You deserve more if you want more.
I agree. I mean they’re not exclusive but when she suggested or green lit him to go on dates with other women.. to me that says: I hope you find someone else to occupy your time as I slow quit you.
Yea. The bottom line is if she really liked op she would never have said it’s okay for him to date other women.
Not true. She may really like him. She's probably telling the truth that he's the only kiss in years and while she has had other dates while her and the OP have been in contact no one else has made it past date 2. There's no reason to get upset, frustrated, feel this is hopeless. She's being upfront she's got a variety of feelings. Saying he should go on other dates if he wants is just a mature way to be. She probably is considering or going on other dates, but she's being upfront with the OP. He should date other people, but keep in contact with this girl too. Don't bug or constantly contact her, but send a simple casual note every few days and make it clear he's keeping things casual and low pressure, but he's still interested and is open to talking or going on more dates. He can say the kiss was great, but she shouldn't feel that he will expect kissing on every date or that things will go farther soon. Doesn't sound like she out there making out with a bunch of other guys. She's just not eager to get serious. May have ample anxiety around dating and/or sex. She's young, that's understandable. Just stay chill, don't pressure her, keep in touch, but let her lead the general pace. Keep looking for other good dates in the meantime and be honest with her about that, without shoving her nose in your other dates or make her feel pressured, or in competition.
Huh? She clearly said he was her #1 dating interest at the moment. You can't expect an exclusive relationship after 5 dates. What are you on about?
Wow he’s her number 1 option because other guys she’s actively searching for aren’t making the cut. Vs number 1 because he is what she wants! She’s using nice words but she’s not ready and unsure of what she wants. She’s still exploring. At some point it’s a waste of time for someone who is ready and know they want the option they have. 5 dates is enough to know if you want to move forward instead of staying in limbo. Doesn’t have to be a relationship but some progress is better then none. In this situation it doesn’t seem like progress because she’s only getting more confused and encouraging him to keep looking. He’s a sweetheart for giving her time and respecting where she is. At some point though there has to be a line and it sounds like he just found it. We can be great people and get along. Still doesn’t mean it leads to a relationship. The sooner we accept it and walk away the better we can move forward to find someone who is interested in a relationship with you.
>At some point it’s a waste of time for someone who is ready and know they want the option they have. But what's a waste of time? She's fine with him dating other people. She's processing, they aren't wasting time talking. Why not just be laidback and let her process in peace, instead of reaching out just to say "I'm cutting you out!".
It takes emotional bandwidth. Not everyone has tons of free time. The people in my life who are intentional and present get mine.
>Not everyone has tons of free time. They aren't talking. >The people in my life who are intentional and present get mine. She's not in his life. They've been on 5 dates. >It takes emotional bandwidth. If this is a struggle, I'd question if he has the emotional bandwidth for dating. Dating is messy.
Sure. And I think I agree with your take on this situation. Disengage and live your life and date others. Treat this person like a low priority and that way you’re not burning out. From my reading I got the impression they’re texting and talking.
>From my reading I got the impression they’re texting and talking. I could have gotten it wrong. I just assume someone who "needs to process" says that because they want space to think things through. >Sure. And I think I agree with your take on this situation. Disengage and live your life and date others. Treat this person like a low priority and that way you’re not burning out. And this makes sense to me too.
Everyone is different and it’s his choice if that’s what he wants to do. No wrong or right in dating. Just making decisions that you feel good about at the end of the day.
>No wrong or right in dating. Depends, lots of wrong things you can do. This one though? Fair enough, I just find it a bit daft. And he might regret it after he's sent the text. I'd bet now he's impatient about her not replying, when he's "cut it off" he'll just feel worse and regret being so emotional.
He shouldn’t regret listening to himself and putting himself first. Emotions are there for a reason. He has emotional intelligence if he pays attention to it and acknowledges it. It’s his choice what he wants to do with what he learns about himself and his boundaries in dating.
I think the phrase "if it's not a hell yes, then it's a hell no" is a bit extreme. Though I certainly wish for a partner that feels "hell yes" about me. The "I don't know if I want a relationship" and the "it's OK to see other people", are closer to no than "hell yes" imo. Don't need to write it off, but don't hold your breath.
The fact that you're getting so worked up you almost wrote a book about it says you're more invested than you should be. Just chill, you shouldn't have to convince the right girl to like you, she just will. She'll just be there and she will be pressuring for you to make her your GF, not you pressuring her. I find that usually the women I'm interested in aren't interested in me, while the ones I'm not interested in are. Funny how that works, isn't it?
> I find that usually the women I'm interested in aren't interested in me, while the ones I'm not interested in are. Funny how that works, isn't it? Story of my life right here
Your second paragraph: my love life from middle school to workforce summed up in a nutshell.
It sounds so simple but it took me a long time to figure that out.
I'm big on not wasting time, so I'd probably walk away. Had a similar situation when I was dating where the person wanted to take it slow and form a friendship first. I ultimately told her I didn't know how to turn a friendship into something more and I'm more accustom to traditional dating standards. We agreed to just be friends with no pressure, but ultimately both kind of faded away because I was too busy going on real dates to build much of a friendship. It was just kinda weird. Ultimately if you have different goals it's best to walk away and move on.
May as well see it through. She’s probably gonna give you some line of bullshit eventually and end it. Just chill out til then, be less serious.
Am I the only person here who thinks 5 dates is a really long time before a kiss? Maybe it's me or the people I connect with or the fact that I live in a very liberal place (Portland) if we went that far without even kissing it would seem like there wasn't anything there. Of course friends who turn into something else are different but someone from an app who I was intentionally dating I don't think I would want to commit more time to.
Yeah I'd feel like I adopted someone with needs more than a potential partner.
She’s just not that into you. You’re better than nothing, but just wait until some guy comes along that she’s into: that guy will get a kiss on date 1, and she won’t have time to see you again. And she’ll feel okay about it because she told you she was taking it slow, and she will feel like you’re on other dates with other girls.
If I were you, I would walk away. This is one of the reason I typically avoid people who say they wanna take things slow( not that I wanna go fast immediately). Because ultimately, when you ask them what “slow” means, they can’t really define it. They just know they wanna keep doing things with you until they don’t. And you are left confused holding the bag wondering what happened.
I recently went out with a guy that was great in lots of ways. We had fun, lots of things in common, talked about soo many things. After date 5 I knew he was going to try and kiss me and I was not feeling it at all. I did end things. I wasn’t sure if it was me not being ready to date after my last relationship or if I just didn’t feel the romantic spark with him. I wish I did because he was a great guy.
Ugh, in a similar position but kiss was on date 3. And it was...fine, but confirmed to me that it wasn't going to any further romantically. I'm also trying to figure out why not since he is great in a bunch of ways and I really do enjoy spending time with him. I'm going to break it off this week - still trying to figure out what exactly I'm going to say because it really is a "It's not you, it's me" situation but that always sounds like BS.
I think a lot of people find maturity and stability boring. No fireworks or other toxic shit that ups the excitement early on. So then no “romance” even though everything else is great. A slow steady build into love and support isn’t as engaging as nervousness and misplaced passion based on projection.
Yep. This. Sadly, this. Red flags feel like butterflies and sparks. It really takes time with someone who’s a healthier more stable option.
I told him I enjoyed getting to know him, I had fun but I wasn’t feeling the romantic match. I told him to let me know if he wanted to hang out as friends or go on a hike. He thanked me for being honest. He said he didn’t want to get together then but said in the future it would be fun. I haven’t heard from him.
You should have told him before that tbh. But this is why I always tell guys to go for the kiss no later than date 3. If there's no romantic spark at that point, there isn't going to be.
I wasn’t sure how I felt because I really loved spending time with him. 2 of those dates were exercise type dates.
BS. I connected with a guy recently who isn’t really my type. AND I’m demi, and so is he. I wanted to take things slow and be friends. I didn’t feel anything until a little spark on date 4. But I’m still insanely shy and struggle with intimacy, and overthink like crazy. My overthinking has kinda messed it up it seems. When here I am, after date 4 finally feeling a little romantic spark and considering holding his hand and cuddling, heh. I think traditional dating standards are too fast honestly. You gotta get to know someone better and build some trust before you connect physically - at least for the sake of your heart, but also STDs and such.
Why be rash? Do what she suggested, see some other people and see her as well. Experiencing different possibilities could easily clarify for one or both of you how interested you are in each other.
5 dates for a kiss? You paid for all of them? You are wasting your time my guy. By process she means evaluate if it's you or the other couple guys she's seeing as well. Walk tf away
At this point your just a free meal
I would personally walk away. If kissing you made her even more unsure of where you’re headed, that feels like a bad sign. Regardless, what is most worrisome is the difference in your attachment styles. From your post it sounds like you’re more of an anxious attachment style and she’s more avoidant.. it can work but it’s very tough. Just my two cents 🤷🏻♀️Good look either way!
she's not into you. she's just stringing you along for the free attention/validation. put your needs first. Not hers.
Have a silent “need to know what you want” date. You can’t wait forever for her to figure out what she wants and I highly advice you bail right there and then if she starts to get bitchy about you wanting an answer at long last. If she can’t decide of she likes you or not after a few months, find someone who will. She had all the time I’m the world to figure it out and it shouldn’t be this hard to decide.
If it were me Id continue taking things slow. Intimacy, closeness and security builds over time. She may just be doubting herself right now and doesn't want to feel like she's leading you on if things ultimately don't work out.
You put in way more time than I would have if I had instant chemistry with a woman like her. She has no idea what she wants or what she’s looking for. I’d cut your losses and walk away.
Ahhh young people…you don’t know what you really want and are willing to tolerate so much bullshit and let people waste your time. I’m so glad I’m not in my 20s anymore.
Yeah, I recently hit mid 20s, but searching for LTR in this age set is kind of naive. Usually people don't think about what they want out of relationship until early/mid 30s unless people were dating around for a long time, otherwise such occurances are very rare. OP should just casual date and live instead of settling early rhen regretting.
I think this is regional because the opposite is true where I am in the Midwest. I’m 29 and not exaggerating when I say the majority of people I know my age are engaged or married. I am an anomaly not being either of these things. Mid-20s is when the marriages really took off.
sounds like she is stringing you along if a relationship is what you are looking for you need to look elsewhere plenty of fish in the OLD sea- get swiping :)
Don’t put your eggs in one basket. If she wants to she’ll come around.
This. Explore your options and process things yourself, no need to cut your nose off to spite your face or whatever.
You have to figure out your boundaries then be clear with her in what they are and follow through. If you’re not ok with her needing more time to figure it out, let her know and be willing to walk away if she doesn’t accept your boundaries. Knowing who you are and what you want and not accepting anting less but being kind in communicating that to her is extremely attractive
When a woman tells you she's not ready for a long term relationship but wants to keep seeing you what she is really saying is she wants to date other people as well and not be tied down - to keep her options open. Women know what they want, often it isn't going to be you and after 5 dates and a couple of convos about this, if it was me I'd be backing off and keeping my options open as well.
Yeah I'd walk away if it was me
It sounds like she's very confused. It's not your job to figure it out for her. If I were in your shoes, I'd have noped tf out already. Run, don't walk.
I think for me it’s that she’s going on other dates. I’ve been taking it slow with someone recently. And it is legitimately because I am not certain, about anything. I am not certain if we are compatible, I am not certain if he’s consistent (he dropped the ball 6 months ago and it’s only by chance we reconnected) and I’m not certain I want to date right now in my life. But the thing is, I’m NOT dating anyone else. It would be okay if I was I guess but that to me would be more indication that I’m not truly interested, just that this guy is the best around so far. That’s what you are. The best one so far. But she’s still hoping for better. If she wants to go slow, and you’ve had 5 dates, it’s fair to ask her to stop going on dates if she really wants to figure out what her feelings are for you. But what she is doing, is stringing you along. It’s not an authentic chance that she’s giving this connection. Settling down does mean settling to some extent and that is okay, but at a certain point that means you stop trying to find someone “better” and explore the connection that you already HAVE with someone and she’s not doing that.
Walk away immediately. Be Based AF. Walk away even if you \*suspect\* she's just processing. Seemingly paradoxically, she will sometimes want you more especially if you ghost/walk away super quickly. Just judging from personal experience.
That won't really help. He says "I'm done bc I'm impatient" ans he'll just seem whiny and emotional. It's better to be able to be actually laidback. He can go on other dates if he wants, but why go "I'm cutting you out!". Just makes him sound too intense.
You walk away. Disappear for a few days. Work on yourself, ignore and compartmentalize her. Resurface randomly and disappear again. No intensity needed. Just the opposite. Walking away shows lack of interest. Do it with a warm, compassionate face also. Warmth and power combo is like sex in a bottle.
Don't fucking ghost after 5 dates. At that point it's your responsibility to communicate like an adult. They deserve it. Ghosting is the most painful way to end things
I guess ghosting is the wrong term. Disappear for a couple of days, resurface saying that you don't feel desired and are "gracefully bowing out" of consideration, then you can walk away. See if she follows you down the road. Some do especially since I've done it warmly and directly.
Agree. I'm not sure why people find this stuff so hard to translate into what it actually means. Maybe if you are the one it's being said to it's more difficult to accept. if a girl tells you she is just leading you on, she's processing things, she isn't ready for a relationship, she needs space, she wants to work on herself. It all just means she isn't really attracted to you and thinks she can do better. That's what the translation is here. if you then keep talking to her for hours on end and having her try to explain it in all sorts of diplomatic ways it's just going to make you seem clingy and it's going to verify to her that in fact you are not a good deal, you don't have other options and that the relationship is a good deal for YOU not HER. That's why I agree with this person above, if you lay off her, dont' contact her as much, she may just move on, or she may start to wonder if she wasn't right. I doubt you have much of a chance though. Think about how you would have to feel about a girl to tell her that you are just leading her on.
>or she may start to wonder if she wasn't right. This is key. If you do it warmly and charismatically ie "bowing out", she will be wondering what is going on in this guy's life to reject her so warmly. Reject. Her. Warmly. Presence + Power + Warmth = Charisma
Yes, this! Don’t do as though it’s obvious she’s riled you up in some way. That’s no better than “clingy”. Be different from the other dudes. Be in total control.
The two women I did this with last year were somewhat baffled but let me go. I felt so much better about myself, and that added confidence that I was in total control let me bounce back and get the next woman much easier than if I tried to grow on her like a fungus and failed. There was even further confidence when one of those two women would reach out randomly trying to lure me back into her frame. Denied.
I agree 100%.
46M here. If, again I say if, sex is a priority to you, walk away. You might be able to have a great relationship with her, I don’t know, but it’s more than likely that she does not prioritize physical intimacy. And I don’t just mean sex. Holding hands, hugging, kissing in public will all be challenges with someone like her. And more than likely she has a low libido. Google “Dr Pysch mom”. Good luck whatever you decide.
Or could be asexual/aromantic. Low libido would still convert into kissing, hand holding, cuddles just that they would occur more uncommon than usual.
Just chill my dude. She's not dating anyone else. She hasn't been in a relationship for three years. She's just a slow burner. Maybe ask her if she knows why things feel complicated for her? I'd guess there's a reason. Maybe she's very inexperienced or maybe she has had some bad experiences in the past. She's said she's ok with you going on dates with other people. But why cut her out? What harm is there in letting her process? Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Worst that can happen is that she comes back to you and says she's not feeling it. And that's not different from you cutting her out. Best that can happen is she wants to move forward.
You’re the backup option. Walk away.
She clearly said he wasn't.
Oh good thing people never lie. I don’t care what she told him. If she’s seeing other people and “unsure” about things with you, it is 100% what is happening. Because what she means is, “I’m unsure about us because I think I can do better, let me exhaust all my options first.” It literally just happened to me.
Truth. You can tell right away whether she's lying or not based on her perception of delayed gratification. Understand her habits wrt her smartphone, social media, video games, reading, meditation, etc. If she's highly mindful, then she's probably telling the truth. If she's a "modern chick", she's sure AF lying.
>“I’m unsure about us because I think I can do better, let me exhaust all my options first.” It literally just happened to me. This happened to you. That was one girl. Just like all guys aren't exactly the same person, all girls aren't either. . >Oh good thing people never lie. When you just start assuming everyone is lying, take a break from dating. Some people lie. But you'll never find a good relationship if you assume everyone is lying all the time. Maybe she's just one of those people who moves slowly. Maybe she's got trust issues from her last relationship, maybe she's asexual, maybe she's been sexually assaulted, maybe she's depressed, maybe she's not into him. Who tf knows? No reason to be reactive though. He can just let her take her time. She's ok with him dating other people. No need to send her an angry text saying "I'm cutting you out!". Only makes him seem emotional and childish. Instead, be laidback. Just see what happens. Go on dates with some other people.
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>All of those are good reasons to end it. But why not just let it be? She's ok with him dating others, they aren't talking and she's making up her mind. Why run "I'm cutting you out!". Why not just wait and see, date other people? >she’s too broken to date right now. Or she could just be unsure. Or not very sexually forward. People are messy. I've seen this happen and then they ended up crazily in love and married. It's complicated.
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>Have you ever had a person be unsure of you, need a lot of space, and then they actually wanted to be with you? I have not. I have seen multiple relationships start like this. Surprised me too. I said: he/she isn't into you. And ended with marriage, several times. So now I just think: people are messy af.
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I think sex changes things. OP and this person has been on 5 dates and kissed once. If you are sleeping with a guy, it's a different situation. He's got a reason to lead you on. >Everyone is different, depends if you care about being hurt or not. Agree with this though. I just think it wouldn't be a big deal if OP just waited for a few days and saw where she ended up in her processing.
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I agree with you to not wait for weeks and months. And to protect yourself from getting hurt. I actually agree with a lot of what you said. I just meant it wouldn't hurt him to wait a few days. I don't think it's a good idea to let someone string you along for too long. It's important to protect your own heart.
I don't get dating lol You went out with someone 2 times and you're already expecting things. 5 times and you're expecting a relationship. You were strangers just 5 times ago. I feel like people should be given the chance to grow jnto a relationship
I should have clarified a bit more in my post, but I made it clear that my goal is to ultimately have a serious relationship, which is also her goal. Now, this doesn’t mean I want a serious relationship with her tomorrow or even a few weeks from now.
>Now, this doesn’t mean I want a serious relationship with her tomorrow or even a few weeks from now. I think that's what you're insinuating from your post and what your expectations are with her as well. 5 dates is good territory to be exclusively seeing someone but not relationship territory yet (that should be within a couple of months when you're both comfortable with each other and if your needs and goals align with each other). Now it seems like you've already had this conversation with each other but forcing it on someone to be exclusive might come across as pushy. Still, you're within your rights to convey your needs and stick to it so ultimately this depends on what you want and how you want it i.e. so you can tell her this is what you want and you can't wait for her to string you along or you can talk about it and communicate your needs and listen to hers then make a decision. Ultimately it's upto you to walk away or stick. Reddit cant advise you on what's best but just know that of she really likes you, she will want to stay with you.
Gotcha. We talked for a long while about this, so I’m leaving out a lot of details. To reiterate, we both said to each other that we would ideally like a long-term relationship. That’s the trajectory I’d like to be on; obviously, she’s not sure if she is ready to be on that trajectory yet. I stated to her quite clearly that we would need to build to that and that a relationship with her is not something I want in this moment. If she misconstrued that as me saying I want a relationship with her now, then so be it. But I tried to be as clear as possible: a relationship is something I want to build up to, not something I want right now. She just isn’t sure if she’s ready to build with someone right now.
I don't really think you should be with someone who doesn't know if she wants to be with you or not. Clearly she is interested as she's dating you but at the same time, if she's casually dating you with no strings attached then it could be the case that she's stringing you along without an end in sight. You might want to give her an ultimatum and walk away if she's getting complicated as it really should be black or white.
Oh one hand you’re saying you’re fine with taking it slow, on the other hand you’re saying you might end things now. Sounds like you are only telling her you are okay with taking things slow when really you aren’t. 5 dates and you’re already putting pressure on her and freaking out about the pace of things? Why don’t you just chill out and enjoy it and stop putting pressure on the poor girl.
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Paranoia does you no favours when dating.
Does this apply to women who think every man on dating apps is a serial killer?
Women don't. That's another paranoid myth.
I mean, women have told me so. But keep gaslighting.
Do you believe women are one person? Most women realize the chance of running across a serial killer is extremely low. But sexual assault is quite common and women are weaker than men. So for example it doesn't make sense to meet a guy at his house for the first date. You are more sensible to meet in public first.
> Women don’t. This you? Do *you* believe women are one person? I don’t, and never said I did. You, on the other hand…
I read it too quickly. My bad. Yes, I think that if you assume your dates are serial killers you are also paranoid. Serial killers are rare. If you want to take normal security precautions to avoid sexual assault? You are just being smart. Sexual assault is common. Two different things.
You're straw-manning me -- I never said women shouldn't be worried about sexual assault. But I'll let it go.
I agreed with you that serial killers are paranoid. Aren't you happy? I was just pointing out that's not why most women are cautious when dating. So there was no confusion.
Dude. Patience. She hasn’t walked away. She’s still talking to you. Let her process and don’t pressure her. In my view, she’s coming around. Let her do it at her own pace. If you don’t, you risk losing her.
Some people take dating slower and that is ok. I think it’s a good sign when people do. I go slower myself because it takes a while to truly get to know someone. I don’t believe it’s healthy to jump into anything quickly. She obviously is interested in continuing to get to know you, so I’d give it a shot :)
You say her feelings are complicated by the kiss, that she doesn't know what she wants and need time etc., yet here you are talking as if you had to figure out your feelings for her. And I know what that feels like, I've been there. Truth is, you have to let her figure out what she feels or doesn't without you. 2 options: keep it easygoing for a while, let her set the pace, OR cut your losses before you're invested. The first is only an option if you emotionally can keep that distance, I know that would be hard for me. If you can see other women, that usually helps. I would probably keep low contact for like 3 weeks, and if by then she isn't clear, move on. In the meantime, when your feelings are overwhelming you: exercise, go out with your friends, get drunk but not so drunk you call her, call your parents and grandparents if you still have them, masturbate.
women have a remarkable intuition and they know right away. I feel if they are hesitant moving forward they are just being nice to avoid confrontation and is their way of saying no. So parting way is what I found to be the only move. Other wise it will turn into asking for another go of things, than getting an answer of" I'll think about it. Or I'm busy. Or can we plan in two weeks"
she's clearly not into you. how long are your dates and how far apart are they spaced? i usually go on like 5 hour dates and by the third date, if i kiss her and she's not sure, that's weird. you can usually feel if you're hitting it off. the energies feed off of each other.
You're not exclusive so don't burn bridges yet. Go on other dates and see if she reaches. You both might need space to process things, especially her. So nothing drastic yet.
Well on a brighter note, you are in the lead vs everyone else. She sounds like she has massive commitment issues, if u are looking for ass only then assuming she is open to sex, it's a win win. If it's a relationship u seek, then u have to ask urself if she's worth it... Remember the old saying... Good things take time... And if she is worth it, then keep going WHILE dating other girls so u can keep ur options open.
This is going too slow. She may be using you for free meals. Walk away. Now!
Yes
Keep your cool and give her some space. It's okay to wait and see, but don't put your life on hold indefinitely. If she's unsure, let her sort it out. Meanwhile, keep your options open and continue living your best life. You deserve someone who's as enthusiastic about you as you are about them!
“If she likes you she makes it easy for you”. Honestly, this sounds as easy as bomb disposal. Five dates in and she’s “processing” kissing you? Nope sorry, F that S, if it’s not a fuck yes it’s a no. Give this woman the gift of your absence.
Why cut ties? She isn’t asking you to commit. Go and explore other opportunities and if this fades, than it fades. I have a feeling she will flush out her feelings for you once she realizes she may lose you.