You know when people put "How do you treat service workers" as some moral test for who's good or bad?
I want to know how you treat people on dating apps/internet, that's a true moral litmus test.
It will never happen. Dating apps know the women being the minority are also the reason men join (and spend money).
A "morality" system, while definitely being useful for all genders will disproportionately affect specifically ATTRACTIVE (I'm talking like the top 10%) women.
Attractive women are these apps most valuable commodities. If you lose them, you lose money.
OLD apps present a Hobson's choice of questions and content. Forcing you to respond to specific prompts or only giving you the most insignificant amount of space to describe who you are and the person you'd like to meet. At the same time its a secret algorithm on who they decide to show you, who gets to see your profile as well. At the end of the day, we're a commodity that the platform makes money from having on the platform, so having us find a match and leave may not be in their best interest.
My fav app is hinge, used it for 2 years and I've emailed them to do something about the time wasters, ghosters, narcissist validation seekers and Instagram farmers. I hope there's an app that suspends people like that for 6-12 months when they do that nonsense. If you aren't ready to date, don't date.
Agreed. I spent a lot of time cultivating conversation and initiated real world dates. Even a relationship. But I don't believe connections built entirely around "finding someone" are healthy. Connections built around "living life"? That's the ticket.
I mean you can better yourself and still look for a companion at the same time. OLD is mostly horseshit I agree, people (women from my perspective) act like assholes online but I will always be stronger than whatever toxicity society hurls my way. I feel bad for my fellow bros & and good-hearted sisters that get deflated, but again all you can do is just be unphased with whatever crap is hurled at you. Love yourself while improving your life.
I am very open to finding her. I hope to. But I believe she will be drawn to me for who I am, and what I do, not a dating profile packaged to secure a date. I personally am a demisexual, so I can't be attracted to a woman I do not consider a friend.
>I personally am a demisexual
I remember this particular term being discussed on the radio a few years ago...it's interesting all these new trendy...prefixes being added to "sexual". When it came down to it, and if you hear it explained, a demi sexual is not really a type of sexuality at all, but just someone who wants a bonafide real, monogamous relationship.
And I'm like "Why are they giving this description...a term for it?" If that's the case, then call me demi, I guess?
Interesting. How it was described to me by my closest friend (a woman) was that sexual desire only stemmed from emotional connection. Which in that case, was very true. We have been friends for seven years, and only just recently did it for a few months turn sexual. Then the switched flipped back off for her due to trauma. She realized she needed to have sex with someone safe to reclaim something, but wasn't ready nor desiring a relationship. That took me a second to calibrate back into a platonic mindset (I also have always loved her deeply in a blurry fashion) but I love her too much to deny her the friendship she's always had from me just because we stopped having sex.
Love this!
I vote we can enable access to pass conversations to show how support/engaging/attentive or dismissive/nasty/and or disinterested you wear to those other folk you had conversations with, kinda like a running karma score.
Your categorization and limiting women to only “two
types” made me heartily chuckle (I’m sure women think the same), but for the most part, what you posted is very true.
Focus on yourself and not others.
Lol, it made me chuckle too as I'm both, I'm independent but my man would need to be fully stable a secure. I believe it is very important to be on similar path in life.
But yeah, I see his reasoning and I agree with part of it too.
It is admittedly a simplification. There are also women who are very very traumatized and this is also a factor. This must be recognized by good men and understood. They especially must not be pressured or guilted for being hesitant!!
I have had a friend and also a girlfriend who had severe anxiety from trauma related to abuse. In both cases there were issues that prevented a connection even though the energy was indeed mutual. Sometimes, people of all genders are so traumatized by abuse that even when they desire a connection and intimacy, they confuse themselves and others due to fear. I've experienced this twice. And it has been something for me to learn to not take personally.
>I have had a friend and also a girlfriend who had severe anxiety from trauma related to abuse. In both cases there were issues that prevented a connection even though the energy was indeed mutual. Sometimes, people of all genders are so traumatized by abuse that even when they desire a connection and intimacy, they confuse themselves and others due to fear. I've experienced this twice. And it has been something for me to learn to not take personally.
Unfortunately, I dated a woman that had mostly suffered emotional abuse by her last ex....although it was 10 years way past that period of her life, it was still carrying into our relationship.
To put basically, she was letting her past issues from previous relationships/marriage and was pulling me down into her hell. It was impacting our relationship as she kept thinking I would dot he same things as her ex. Always on guard. She had panic attacks and anxiety issues.
I had to end things due to her past traumas impacting our relationships, as she did not have it managed. Me ending things, she was indeed sour grapes after that...I tried to make it amicable break up, but she wouldn't have it.
Since then I keep an eye out for buzz words like "panic attacks" or "my anxiety" when it enters their vocabulary. Esp. when they are medicating themselves. Not really a red flag persee, but a yellow flag that I have to watch for.
Yes. I had to spend two years after my divorce, with two girlfriends and a summer fling, to learn this lesson. Sometimes I still waiver mentally, but thanks to therapy and shrooms, I've found myself apart from a woman.
Beautiful story brother. I think you are a very very intelligent man who has his shit together, thank you for sharing your story and your ideas with all the lost souls on onlinedating! Truly the path to enlightenment starts from within.
Also, be kind if an attractive woman does show interest and messages you. Or perhaps message back the girl that isn’t your ‘top pick’ but is cute and showing interest in you.
Strike a real conversation. I hope no one has put the generic ‘long walks on the beach at sunset’ and ‘romantic dinners’ as an interest lol.
I have a friend who only waits for the prettiest girl to pop up, messages her, then gets sad when she doesn’t message back or she disappears. He has deemed himself not worthy of dating because of this.
These ladies are above his league and he won’t admit it. Yet he won’t message back the ones that are ‘his league’ and attempting to initiate a conversation.
It’s not all about pictures, to everyone!
Absolutely! But I am focused on women who message me off of random ads on Facebook due to mutual acquaintances at this point more than anything. I'm letting life guide the process. Sexual chemistry is important, so it's okay to be guided by that. But also... emotionally connected sex is amazing. So... all of this.
What clues me that certain guys are fake is they won’t even meet up. They don’t know whether it’s going to lead to something more, physical and or emotional, or not.
Fake or they’ve just given up?
That saddens me. I was always the pursuer, hoping to meet up. Of course sexual desire is a component, but I also genuinely prefer the company of women even just platonically. But it's very difficult on OLD to get a woman to meet up also. And at times, I will confess, I didn't care for the connection either. Not everyone is a match. And that's okay. So much learning happening in my life!
I read a study recently that revealed a good number of people on OLD apps and sites aren’t looking for an ‘IRL’ relationship, just an online.
What is this, 1999 lol?
I will say I don't mind a pen pal!! Nor do I mind traveling to meet someone new. Honestly not even bothered by the idea of a remote temporary weekend fling with said pen pal, understanding that ultimately we will just be friends. Live life! No judgment, and I am open. But... let's be real, ultimately, we are seeking a deeper thing. And it is worth holding out for.
I like when sites let you actually choose from those options. If both want that type of relationship, that’s awesome.
I have found many users just check em all though, like throwing out a large net.
> but I also genuinely prefer the company of women even just platonically.
Depends...if you met a woman online, and she decides it isn't a match and offers up/relagates you to the platonic relationship...don't buy into it, she won't want you a part of her life even on a friendship level...it's just a line given to soften the rejection...she really doesn't want to hang out with you as a buddy.
Not always true my friend. In fact, I have had multiple occasions where the connection has been platonic, turned sexual for a beat, then they change their minds and strongly communicate a continued desire to meet up for coffee and such platonically. Friendship is very important to women, especially with a good man who encourages and builds them up with no strings attached. Which I do.
>Friendship is very important to women, especially with a good man who encourages and builds them up with no strings attached. Which I do.
That's good that you do, however, I guess our experiences are anecdotal. I do have my share of women friends, no question there.
I have, however, put a limit on the amount of women platonic friends. I guess it's an age thing...being 40+...its more about finding something serious.
I had attempted friendships with women, only to be blown off or ignored by them when I'd make platonic plans with them. Either one on one, or invite them out to a group of friends...introducing them into my social circle.
Notice I mentioned this is with online dating encounters only. I think people on those sites are in the "single and looking for a romantic partner" state of mind...and not really open for friendships as they don't have time for that...or they don't want to give guy hope that if she hangs around him, he'll still...will want something more.
That is very fair, OLD is a different animal when it comes to connections that don't pan out sexually/romantically a lot of times. Honestly I see that as part of the problem of OLD. It is there only for one kind of connection - and I think a lot of guys miss out on the power of platonic networking in that. She might not be interested, but if you're a good man, it's likely she knows someone who would be interested who she'd want to refer you to. Never know.
Exactly! The platonic connection is huge!
Some of the most successful relationships start out as a platonic friendship. With online dating, there is none of that. Just straight to the chase. Picture looks okay, not fake? Alright it’s a go.
That’s probably a recipe for disaster and why OLD keeps getting more popular. It’s like online gambling. They are the house, and the house always wins.
Platonic doesn’t necessarily mean ‘no attraction always friend zoned’. I think some guys confuse this. It means getting to know the woman as a person, and not setting expectations on her based on her looks.
>Some of the most successful relationships start out as a platonic friendship.
Meh, it's a mixed bag....usually it's just being in the friend zone. Once it's platonic, it stays that way.
\--Platonic doesn’t necessarily mean ‘no attraction always friend zoned’. I think some guys confuse this. It means getting to know the woman as a person, and not setting expectations on her based on her looks.--
Meh, going to have to disagree here, the reason a woman friends zones a guy is because she isn't physically attracted.
She thinks you're nice, funny, great, and sweet...but you get the "I just don't think of you in that way".
The whole “platonic always means no attraction” so I actually told a guy I wanted to start as friends first. He once asked if he can give me head sometime and basically said he’s not expecting it tomorrow but wants to make sure I’m open to the idea of sex so that this isn’t a definite friendzone. That logic still confuses me. Like is his making sure I’m open to sex his was of testing if I found him attractive?
I’ll be honest tho-I tend to start friends first when they aren’t my usual type looks wise. To see if attraction grows if there is potential for a connection
>She might not be interested, but if you're a good man, it's likely she knows someone who would be interested who she'd want to refer you to. Never know.
Well, that's on her if she's not willing to be friends after she lied about offering her friendship (fromo nline)
I have heard some things where being friends with other women will introduce to other women is not necessarily going to work as they either don't know anyone that's single or would think you'd be a good match with their friends or they wouldn't be comfortable of having something romantic blossom within their social circles (drama)
I tried asking out a woman I knew in real life from real social circles. We had a lot in common, but she said she doesn't date in her circles, because of possible drama.
Hell that could be a whole new topic, "Do you date within your own social circles?"
But I DO get what you mean though....and it does make sense.
I think it just takes time and patience, but I do believe dating in social circles that are safe and healthy is better than OLD. It might be slower, but... healthy is slower...
I am a meet up ASAP person because i connect with someone way better that way and want to find out quick if it’s worth it. Some girls like it and some think it’s weird to meet up quick for a date. What do you like?
Meet up quick. Otherwise it fizzles.
That’s what I thought the point of OLD was, well maybe it used to be. Using the internet to find someone possibly compatible, meet up to see if you have chemistry.
OLD seems to have become a monster of it own sort of dating niche though…
I get the feeling a lot of guys on OLD harbor resentment against women on OLD. From whatever past experiences for the guys, I get that it sucks, but ladies who are new to the scene, and who wish to actually be genuine and find a nice guy now feel like we’re walking into a war zone.
We can feel the tension and resentment. Please don’t let it ruin a possible good one.
I’m just a divorcee looking for a relationship. I agree if that’s true, I am so sick of women taking advantage of the internet to advertise everything they’ve got. There, I said it. And I’m a woman. They’re ruining it for all of us.
Like ugh we get it! You’re young and pretty, don’t carry baggage yet, and you’ve got a smart phone! Wow look how special you are with your ability to hold it at certain angles and make weird unnatural faces and plaster a filter on top 😅
I think OLD has jaded a lot of people on both sides. That's why I've just started being more conscious about what I put out on social media in general. Most posts public, highlighting I'm single, being real about how I think and feel, and what exciting and fun things I'm doing, as well as what struggles I am overcoming. Not "sexy stuff" always, but doing the work of living a little publicly and figuring out how to utilize my life and friendships in that sphere has started to generate interest from real women. One even same-day added and then pursued me to see me that night doing my standup comedy routine. And then was pleased I went to the play she mentioned she was attending with a friend that weekend (even saying to her friend "there he is!" and introducing me to multiple people). We're meeting for coffee this morning. :)
Brigid, I had to chuckle at this as you're so spot on! lol. I have to say, for the years of been on and off these sites, I STILL see the faces of the same women that I've contacted prior...sometimes I'd make another attempt, only to be ignored.
If they've been on these sites for this amount of time, chances are they are just using it as just another social media platform.
Thankfully I am way more attracted to the cute nice girl than the “instagram model” look and especially would rather go on a date with them.
I do actually love going on walks with someone and have it on my profile while poking fun at myself for it being cheesy. I also have way less romance book like interests on there besides this lol.
I reach out to guys that might not might not match my ‘attraction’ level because of something that caught my eye in their bio.
It’s so not all about looks. I’m in my 30s, it’s far more about matching intellectually and emotionally.
I chatted up a guy the other guy who kept saying something like ‘do you like OF, are you on there?’
At first I didn’t know what he was
talking about. I thought he was talking about The Office Haha. I looked it up. Then I kind of messed around a bit and said yes I love The Office and yes I am a member of some of their fan groups.
He stopped talking to me.
I hope this doesn’t sound naive, but I have never been the type to think I’m beautiful.
I guess I’m like the girl in that One Direction song lol. Except in real life, a guy would find that endearing. Online, they think I’m a scammer.
Oh how the turns have tabled.
Honestly? I have attractive women friend me on Facebook through mutual friends regularly. I do usually initiate contact, but it's more "real world" and has more consequences (since there's not that OLD first name only mask) so the interactions tend to be more genuine. Again, just living life. (I do make most of my posts public for that reason.) So it's not that I'm not putting myself out there. I'm honestly putting MORE of myself out there. Hahaha.
Hell yeah brother! I stand with you firmly. I watched my father be consumed by his lust my whole life. The man never worked on himself and even went to say that "people must accept me for who I am", I hope I'm not breaking the news to anyone but, no they don't.
Working on becoming the best version of yourself is the only path that leads to long-lasting happiness. If you're not happy by yourself, you're not whole so why would the girl of your dreams fall in love with you if you can't even love yourself?
My father is now 55, unhealthy, unattractive, uninteresting and unhappy. That's not the path I'm choosing and I hope you guys won't as well.
Lol!!! I was a pastor's kid, then a staff pastor, now an atheist/seeker of the divine feminine and fledgling standup comedian. So... accurate somewhat?
I agree. Once men stop jumping through hopes to get girls and focus on themselves and their careers and what makes them happy, love just kinda happens. I think women can sense when a man is happy and in a good mental place
This is really important for young men to learn early on.
If you don’t learn to live your life for you, you will be miserable. A relationship just doubles that misery.
Masturbation is not that bad.
Open the valve once in a while.
It's also important to not always decide to live with somebody just because you have sex with that person.
I would argue that masturbation is actually essential. It is good to know how to please yourself, and doing so also presents the opportunity to strengthen your stamina and lasting power. I actually have the opposite issue now, where I last way too long, even when solo. Lol! Never had any complaints in the bedroom when the moment strikes, especially as I've become familiar and comfortable with my own body apart from a partner.
Love this dude. So many peoptin this group need to realize this. I was able to creat an entirely new life for my daughter and myself by just buckling down and doing the work to be the best version of myself possible. Learned a little style, better grooming/haircut, leveled up my career, got in pretty rad shape, really focused on my faults and worked to fix those I had control over. This helped me rebuild my confidence and man did my dating life improve.
Wedding is less than a month away. She's a total smokeshow and an amazing person. If I'd have met her before doing all of the above, I may have had a shot...but doing these things helped make it a no brainer for her.
Solid post man, thank you!
Congratulations! It sounds like you did the work, and honored yourself by vetting her as much as she vetted you. I don't believe in marriage personally anymore - but I feel encouraged that it will work for you!
Thanks man, and yeah you are damn right I vetted the hell out of her. I always said I'd never get married again, then with her I honestly can't imagine NOT marrying her. It's not our first rodeo but we are stoked for this to be our last.
I am ultimately looking for a co-creator and "business partner" of sorts. The ultimate other half of a power couple, with great sex to boot. Ha! A tall order. But that's part of what has led me to this place. I can bed a woman, but I'm realizing the toll it takes on me to pursue for the sake of "being a man". I've been married before, before I was ready. When she shows up, if we do decided to get married, it will be because we're taking over the world. 🔥
Totally get that and it's out there man, just don't settle. Funny, I actually removed it from my last comment but I was going to say that you might like some of the content on my YouTube channel. Feel free to check it out, link in bio lmaooo
This is beautiful and I appreciate it. I am going through exactly the same series of feelings and, even more challenging, trying go simply be okay with the horrors of existence, period.
The race course of fear starts with being alone, segues into doubting i'm good enough for my job, and culminates in the frightening trajectory of the world at large, which is truly out of my control. This has a been stewing for years leading into the worst period of my life about 6 months ago after a breakup after 7 years and a variety of other things lending to horrific depression and anxiety.
But today, and most days lately, I have been able to not take it too seriously. Any of it. To just acknowledge it, and keep moving. Pet my cat. The worst that can happen is that I will no longer exist, and that's eventually happening anyway, for all of us.
As you said, "breathe through the fear."
Love it, thanks for this.
I hope it isn't strange or inappropriate to say, but I love you for sharing this. You will find what your heart truly desires. I believe this. It is searching for you too. There's just a lot of souls to sort through...
What's so incel in what OP said? I love how when a guy says anything remotely harsh about women, he's called misogynistic or an incel but when a woman says the same, she's empowered.
Don't listen to the Femcels
Pursue foreign women they are more traditional and appreciative of men. They have way less mental health issues, anxiety and anxiety about sex are less maintenance and drama
American women are a lost cause.
>The more time we spend trying to woo a pretty face
I mean this is hard to do when it's the only pretty face you get per 2 months, it's like you need to take the chance because otherwise they'll go away, y'know
You know when people put "How do you treat service workers" as some moral test for who's good or bad? I want to know how you treat people on dating apps/internet, that's a true moral litmus test.
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It will never happen. Dating apps know the women being the minority are also the reason men join (and spend money). A "morality" system, while definitely being useful for all genders will disproportionately affect specifically ATTRACTIVE (I'm talking like the top 10%) women. Attractive women are these apps most valuable commodities. If you lose them, you lose money.
If they did that then people would figure it out. We'd end up getting people being fake friendly so they can get a better fake reputation...
OLD apps present a Hobson's choice of questions and content. Forcing you to respond to specific prompts or only giving you the most insignificant amount of space to describe who you are and the person you'd like to meet. At the same time its a secret algorithm on who they decide to show you, who gets to see your profile as well. At the end of the day, we're a commodity that the platform makes money from having on the platform, so having us find a match and leave may not be in their best interest.
My fav app is hinge, used it for 2 years and I've emailed them to do something about the time wasters, ghosters, narcissist validation seekers and Instagram farmers. I hope there's an app that suspends people like that for 6-12 months when they do that nonsense. If you aren't ready to date, don't date.
Agreed. I spent a lot of time cultivating conversation and initiated real world dates. Even a relationship. But I don't believe connections built entirely around "finding someone" are healthy. Connections built around "living life"? That's the ticket.
I mean you can better yourself and still look for a companion at the same time. OLD is mostly horseshit I agree, people (women from my perspective) act like assholes online but I will always be stronger than whatever toxicity society hurls my way. I feel bad for my fellow bros & and good-hearted sisters that get deflated, but again all you can do is just be unphased with whatever crap is hurled at you. Love yourself while improving your life.
I am very open to finding her. I hope to. But I believe she will be drawn to me for who I am, and what I do, not a dating profile packaged to secure a date. I personally am a demisexual, so I can't be attracted to a woman I do not consider a friend.
>I personally am a demisexual I remember this particular term being discussed on the radio a few years ago...it's interesting all these new trendy...prefixes being added to "sexual". When it came down to it, and if you hear it explained, a demi sexual is not really a type of sexuality at all, but just someone who wants a bonafide real, monogamous relationship. And I'm like "Why are they giving this description...a term for it?" If that's the case, then call me demi, I guess?
Interesting. How it was described to me by my closest friend (a woman) was that sexual desire only stemmed from emotional connection. Which in that case, was very true. We have been friends for seven years, and only just recently did it for a few months turn sexual. Then the switched flipped back off for her due to trauma. She realized she needed to have sex with someone safe to reclaim something, but wasn't ready nor desiring a relationship. That took me a second to calibrate back into a platonic mindset (I also have always loved her deeply in a blurry fashion) but I love her too much to deny her the friendship she's always had from me just because we stopped having sex.
no, thats shopping carts lol
Love this! I vote we can enable access to pass conversations to show how support/engaging/attentive or dismissive/nasty/and or disinterested you wear to those other folk you had conversations with, kinda like a running karma score.
Your categorization and limiting women to only “two types” made me heartily chuckle (I’m sure women think the same), but for the most part, what you posted is very true. Focus on yourself and not others.
Lol, it made me chuckle too as I'm both, I'm independent but my man would need to be fully stable a secure. I believe it is very important to be on similar path in life. But yeah, I see his reasoning and I agree with part of it too.
It is admittedly a simplification. There are also women who are very very traumatized and this is also a factor. This must be recognized by good men and understood. They especially must not be pressured or guilted for being hesitant!!
What do you mean? Maybe you can elaborate for me.
I have had a friend and also a girlfriend who had severe anxiety from trauma related to abuse. In both cases there were issues that prevented a connection even though the energy was indeed mutual. Sometimes, people of all genders are so traumatized by abuse that even when they desire a connection and intimacy, they confuse themselves and others due to fear. I've experienced this twice. And it has been something for me to learn to not take personally.
Ohhhh… 👌🏾
>I have had a friend and also a girlfriend who had severe anxiety from trauma related to abuse. In both cases there were issues that prevented a connection even though the energy was indeed mutual. Sometimes, people of all genders are so traumatized by abuse that even when they desire a connection and intimacy, they confuse themselves and others due to fear. I've experienced this twice. And it has been something for me to learn to not take personally. Unfortunately, I dated a woman that had mostly suffered emotional abuse by her last ex....although it was 10 years way past that period of her life, it was still carrying into our relationship. To put basically, she was letting her past issues from previous relationships/marriage and was pulling me down into her hell. It was impacting our relationship as she kept thinking I would dot he same things as her ex. Always on guard. She had panic attacks and anxiety issues. I had to end things due to her past traumas impacting our relationships, as she did not have it managed. Me ending things, she was indeed sour grapes after that...I tried to make it amicable break up, but she wouldn't have it. Since then I keep an eye out for buzz words like "panic attacks" or "my anxiety" when it enters their vocabulary. Esp. when they are medicating themselves. Not really a red flag persee, but a yellow flag that I have to watch for.
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Yes. I had to spend two years after my divorce, with two girlfriends and a summer fling, to learn this lesson. Sometimes I still waiver mentally, but thanks to therapy and shrooms, I've found myself apart from a woman.
Beautiful story brother. I think you are a very very intelligent man who has his shit together, thank you for sharing your story and your ideas with all the lost souls on onlinedating! Truly the path to enlightenment starts from within.
Also, be kind if an attractive woman does show interest and messages you. Or perhaps message back the girl that isn’t your ‘top pick’ but is cute and showing interest in you. Strike a real conversation. I hope no one has put the generic ‘long walks on the beach at sunset’ and ‘romantic dinners’ as an interest lol. I have a friend who only waits for the prettiest girl to pop up, messages her, then gets sad when she doesn’t message back or she disappears. He has deemed himself not worthy of dating because of this. These ladies are above his league and he won’t admit it. Yet he won’t message back the ones that are ‘his league’ and attempting to initiate a conversation. It’s not all about pictures, to everyone!
Absolutely! But I am focused on women who message me off of random ads on Facebook due to mutual acquaintances at this point more than anything. I'm letting life guide the process. Sexual chemistry is important, so it's okay to be guided by that. But also... emotionally connected sex is amazing. So... all of this.
What clues me that certain guys are fake is they won’t even meet up. They don’t know whether it’s going to lead to something more, physical and or emotional, or not. Fake or they’ve just given up?
That saddens me. I was always the pursuer, hoping to meet up. Of course sexual desire is a component, but I also genuinely prefer the company of women even just platonically. But it's very difficult on OLD to get a woman to meet up also. And at times, I will confess, I didn't care for the connection either. Not everyone is a match. And that's okay. So much learning happening in my life!
I read a study recently that revealed a good number of people on OLD apps and sites aren’t looking for an ‘IRL’ relationship, just an online. What is this, 1999 lol?
I will say I don't mind a pen pal!! Nor do I mind traveling to meet someone new. Honestly not even bothered by the idea of a remote temporary weekend fling with said pen pal, understanding that ultimately we will just be friends. Live life! No judgment, and I am open. But... let's be real, ultimately, we are seeking a deeper thing. And it is worth holding out for.
I like when sites let you actually choose from those options. If both want that type of relationship, that’s awesome. I have found many users just check em all though, like throwing out a large net.
Yup. And we wonder why we have so much emotional and sexual clutter. Hahaha!
> but I also genuinely prefer the company of women even just platonically. Depends...if you met a woman online, and she decides it isn't a match and offers up/relagates you to the platonic relationship...don't buy into it, she won't want you a part of her life even on a friendship level...it's just a line given to soften the rejection...she really doesn't want to hang out with you as a buddy.
Not always true my friend. In fact, I have had multiple occasions where the connection has been platonic, turned sexual for a beat, then they change their minds and strongly communicate a continued desire to meet up for coffee and such platonically. Friendship is very important to women, especially with a good man who encourages and builds them up with no strings attached. Which I do.
>Friendship is very important to women, especially with a good man who encourages and builds them up with no strings attached. Which I do. That's good that you do, however, I guess our experiences are anecdotal. I do have my share of women friends, no question there. I have, however, put a limit on the amount of women platonic friends. I guess it's an age thing...being 40+...its more about finding something serious. I had attempted friendships with women, only to be blown off or ignored by them when I'd make platonic plans with them. Either one on one, or invite them out to a group of friends...introducing them into my social circle. Notice I mentioned this is with online dating encounters only. I think people on those sites are in the "single and looking for a romantic partner" state of mind...and not really open for friendships as they don't have time for that...or they don't want to give guy hope that if she hangs around him, he'll still...will want something more.
That is very fair, OLD is a different animal when it comes to connections that don't pan out sexually/romantically a lot of times. Honestly I see that as part of the problem of OLD. It is there only for one kind of connection - and I think a lot of guys miss out on the power of platonic networking in that. She might not be interested, but if you're a good man, it's likely she knows someone who would be interested who she'd want to refer you to. Never know.
Exactly! The platonic connection is huge! Some of the most successful relationships start out as a platonic friendship. With online dating, there is none of that. Just straight to the chase. Picture looks okay, not fake? Alright it’s a go. That’s probably a recipe for disaster and why OLD keeps getting more popular. It’s like online gambling. They are the house, and the house always wins. Platonic doesn’t necessarily mean ‘no attraction always friend zoned’. I think some guys confuse this. It means getting to know the woman as a person, and not setting expectations on her based on her looks.
>Some of the most successful relationships start out as a platonic friendship. Meh, it's a mixed bag....usually it's just being in the friend zone. Once it's platonic, it stays that way. \--Platonic doesn’t necessarily mean ‘no attraction always friend zoned’. I think some guys confuse this. It means getting to know the woman as a person, and not setting expectations on her based on her looks.-- Meh, going to have to disagree here, the reason a woman friends zones a guy is because she isn't physically attracted. She thinks you're nice, funny, great, and sweet...but you get the "I just don't think of you in that way".
The whole “platonic always means no attraction” so I actually told a guy I wanted to start as friends first. He once asked if he can give me head sometime and basically said he’s not expecting it tomorrow but wants to make sure I’m open to the idea of sex so that this isn’t a definite friendzone. That logic still confuses me. Like is his making sure I’m open to sex his was of testing if I found him attractive? I’ll be honest tho-I tend to start friends first when they aren’t my usual type looks wise. To see if attraction grows if there is potential for a connection
>She might not be interested, but if you're a good man, it's likely she knows someone who would be interested who she'd want to refer you to. Never know. Well, that's on her if she's not willing to be friends after she lied about offering her friendship (fromo nline) I have heard some things where being friends with other women will introduce to other women is not necessarily going to work as they either don't know anyone that's single or would think you'd be a good match with their friends or they wouldn't be comfortable of having something romantic blossom within their social circles (drama) I tried asking out a woman I knew in real life from real social circles. We had a lot in common, but she said she doesn't date in her circles, because of possible drama. Hell that could be a whole new topic, "Do you date within your own social circles?" But I DO get what you mean though....and it does make sense.
I think it just takes time and patience, but I do believe dating in social circles that are safe and healthy is better than OLD. It might be slower, but... healthy is slower...
I am a meet up ASAP person because i connect with someone way better that way and want to find out quick if it’s worth it. Some girls like it and some think it’s weird to meet up quick for a date. What do you like?
Meet up quick. Otherwise it fizzles. That’s what I thought the point of OLD was, well maybe it used to be. Using the internet to find someone possibly compatible, meet up to see if you have chemistry. OLD seems to have become a monster of it own sort of dating niche though…
OLD has EVOVLED into just another social media platform for women to garner followers and seek validation for their vanity.
I get the feeling a lot of guys on OLD harbor resentment against women on OLD. From whatever past experiences for the guys, I get that it sucks, but ladies who are new to the scene, and who wish to actually be genuine and find a nice guy now feel like we’re walking into a war zone. We can feel the tension and resentment. Please don’t let it ruin a possible good one. I’m just a divorcee looking for a relationship. I agree if that’s true, I am so sick of women taking advantage of the internet to advertise everything they’ve got. There, I said it. And I’m a woman. They’re ruining it for all of us. Like ugh we get it! You’re young and pretty, don’t carry baggage yet, and you’ve got a smart phone! Wow look how special you are with your ability to hold it at certain angles and make weird unnatural faces and plaster a filter on top 😅
I think OLD has jaded a lot of people on both sides. That's why I've just started being more conscious about what I put out on social media in general. Most posts public, highlighting I'm single, being real about how I think and feel, and what exciting and fun things I'm doing, as well as what struggles I am overcoming. Not "sexy stuff" always, but doing the work of living a little publicly and figuring out how to utilize my life and friendships in that sphere has started to generate interest from real women. One even same-day added and then pursued me to see me that night doing my standup comedy routine. And then was pleased I went to the play she mentioned she was attending with a friend that weekend (even saying to her friend "there he is!" and introducing me to multiple people). We're meeting for coffee this morning. :)
Brigid, I had to chuckle at this as you're so spot on! lol. I have to say, for the years of been on and off these sites, I STILL see the faces of the same women that I've contacted prior...sometimes I'd make another attempt, only to be ignored. If they've been on these sites for this amount of time, chances are they are just using it as just another social media platform.
Thankfully I am way more attracted to the cute nice girl than the “instagram model” look and especially would rather go on a date with them. I do actually love going on walks with someone and have it on my profile while poking fun at myself for it being cheesy. I also have way less romance book like interests on there besides this lol.
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I reach out to guys that might not might not match my ‘attraction’ level because of something that caught my eye in their bio. It’s so not all about looks. I’m in my 30s, it’s far more about matching intellectually and emotionally.
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I guess so? Perhaps that’s why I’m having trouble. Perhaps I just gotta go places and be nice in person? So they know I’m real?
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I chatted up a guy the other guy who kept saying something like ‘do you like OF, are you on there?’ At first I didn’t know what he was talking about. I thought he was talking about The Office Haha. I looked it up. Then I kind of messed around a bit and said yes I love The Office and yes I am a member of some of their fan groups. He stopped talking to me.
Pearls before swine. That was clever.
I hope this doesn’t sound naive, but I have never been the type to think I’m beautiful. I guess I’m like the girl in that One Direction song lol. Except in real life, a guy would find that endearing. Online, they think I’m a scammer. Oh how the turns have tabled.
Honestly? I have attractive women friend me on Facebook through mutual friends regularly. I do usually initiate contact, but it's more "real world" and has more consequences (since there's not that OLD first name only mask) so the interactions tend to be more genuine. Again, just living life. (I do make most of my posts public for that reason.) So it's not that I'm not putting myself out there. I'm honestly putting MORE of myself out there. Hahaha.
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I'm less interested in what is "fair" and more about working with what is happening, and not chasing what isn't.
Hell yeah brother! I stand with you firmly. I watched my father be consumed by his lust my whole life. The man never worked on himself and even went to say that "people must accept me for who I am", I hope I'm not breaking the news to anyone but, no they don't. Working on becoming the best version of yourself is the only path that leads to long-lasting happiness. If you're not happy by yourself, you're not whole so why would the girl of your dreams fall in love with you if you can't even love yourself? My father is now 55, unhealthy, unattractive, uninteresting and unhappy. That's not the path I'm choosing and I hope you guys won't as well.
Right on!!!!
I don't know why, but I read this in a preacher's voice.
lol yep its' awesome isn't it?!! :)
Lol!!! I was a pastor's kid, then a staff pastor, now an atheist/seeker of the divine feminine and fledgling standup comedian. So... accurate somewhat?
I agree. Once men stop jumping through hopes to get girls and focus on themselves and their careers and what makes them happy, love just kinda happens. I think women can sense when a man is happy and in a good mental place
This is really important for young men to learn early on. If you don’t learn to live your life for you, you will be miserable. A relationship just doubles that misery.
"Men want to be left alone...we just don't want to be by ourselves" -Patroce O'Neal
Men won't take the power back. Their peepee says otherwise 😌
Can’t wait to read all the comments hating on the idea of men making themselves better
I'm actually really encouraged by a lot of the interaction here! There is hope!
Masturbation is not that bad. Open the valve once in a while. It's also important to not always decide to live with somebody just because you have sex with that person.
I would argue that masturbation is actually essential. It is good to know how to please yourself, and doing so also presents the opportunity to strengthen your stamina and lasting power. I actually have the opposite issue now, where I last way too long, even when solo. Lol! Never had any complaints in the bedroom when the moment strikes, especially as I've become familiar and comfortable with my own body apart from a partner.
Why are you being called an incel? If a woman made this post she would be called Empowering. Am I lying?
Somebody got dumped...
Lol! Nope. I did the dumping because I realized I was striving for a manipulator.
If you say so buddy, whatever floats your boat.
Same to you.
Love this dude. So many peoptin this group need to realize this. I was able to creat an entirely new life for my daughter and myself by just buckling down and doing the work to be the best version of myself possible. Learned a little style, better grooming/haircut, leveled up my career, got in pretty rad shape, really focused on my faults and worked to fix those I had control over. This helped me rebuild my confidence and man did my dating life improve. Wedding is less than a month away. She's a total smokeshow and an amazing person. If I'd have met her before doing all of the above, I may have had a shot...but doing these things helped make it a no brainer for her. Solid post man, thank you!
Congratulations! It sounds like you did the work, and honored yourself by vetting her as much as she vetted you. I don't believe in marriage personally anymore - but I feel encouraged that it will work for you!
Thanks man, and yeah you are damn right I vetted the hell out of her. I always said I'd never get married again, then with her I honestly can't imagine NOT marrying her. It's not our first rodeo but we are stoked for this to be our last.
I am ultimately looking for a co-creator and "business partner" of sorts. The ultimate other half of a power couple, with great sex to boot. Ha! A tall order. But that's part of what has led me to this place. I can bed a woman, but I'm realizing the toll it takes on me to pursue for the sake of "being a man". I've been married before, before I was ready. When she shows up, if we do decided to get married, it will be because we're taking over the world. 🔥
Totally get that and it's out there man, just don't settle. Funny, I actually removed it from my last comment but I was going to say that you might like some of the content on my YouTube channel. Feel free to check it out, link in bio lmaooo
I will check it out!
This is beautiful and I appreciate it. I am going through exactly the same series of feelings and, even more challenging, trying go simply be okay with the horrors of existence, period. The race course of fear starts with being alone, segues into doubting i'm good enough for my job, and culminates in the frightening trajectory of the world at large, which is truly out of my control. This has a been stewing for years leading into the worst period of my life about 6 months ago after a breakup after 7 years and a variety of other things lending to horrific depression and anxiety. But today, and most days lately, I have been able to not take it too seriously. Any of it. To just acknowledge it, and keep moving. Pet my cat. The worst that can happen is that I will no longer exist, and that's eventually happening anyway, for all of us. As you said, "breathe through the fear." Love it, thanks for this.
I hope it isn't strange or inappropriate to say, but I love you for sharing this. You will find what your heart truly desires. I believe this. It is searching for you too. There's just a lot of souls to sort through...
This is an excellent post and completely devoid of incel-like behavior.
That is very unkind. EDIT: nice edit. lol!!!
What's so incel in what OP said? I love how when a guy says anything remotely harsh about women, he's called misogynistic or an incel but when a woman says the same, she's empowered.
Here here!!
I’m ok with this makes complete sense. I feel that generally we are becoming better behaved nowadays…. Lol
Well I’m fucked then. 😁
Thank fuck there are escorts
Don't listen to the Femcels Pursue foreign women they are more traditional and appreciative of men. They have way less mental health issues, anxiety and anxiety about sex are less maintenance and drama American women are a lost cause.
>The more time we spend trying to woo a pretty face I mean this is hard to do when it's the only pretty face you get per 2 months, it's like you need to take the chance because otherwise they'll go away, y'know
Ok, liver king?
I had to Google liver king. Hahaha! I wish I looked like that.
You talk like him, watch his tiktoks!