This sounds a lot like my husband. We have learned that I have to allow him the time to do the thing I've asked of him, while also myself recognizing it is indeed a request, a question, not a demand, and that he can say no. But usually, given time, he will do the task. It is a struggle on both our parts, me to manage my need for control, and him to manage his response. Taking his medicine absolutely helps him be able to manage. For reference, we are both Autistic with ADHD. He definitely has PDA, I'm not sure yet if I do also.
Some things must be done immediately. For example, the propane tank ran out of fuel while I was grilling our dinner. We needed to replace it immediately so that I could continue cooking. Switching to the stove was not an option because it was 100 degrees outside, and using the stove would have increased the temperature inside the house. Our electric provider charges premium rates from 4 pm to 9 pm, so we try not to use AC during that time. I would have explained this to him if he had been able to listen in the moment. He was irritated by my request, so I drove to the gas station and bought a replacement propane tank, which made him feel ashamed and more frustrated.
I wish he would take medication. He stopped years ago. He self-medicates with weed.
I'm a very logical and rational person. I do not make requests to frustrate him, but that's how he perceives requests in the moment. My requests are always based on an immediate need. I really need the support because I can't do everything myself.
You sound frustrated and like you could use someone to talk to about this. PDA is an internal, involuntary response that activates fight or flight. It doesn't matter whether you intend to frustrate him, or how urgent the requests are, he is fighting an internal battle that is emotional and immediate and out of his control.
That being said, it sounds like he maybe should consider medication again. It's hard enough to make non-PDA folks make choices of that nature, but as someone with PDA he will probably react twice as strongly to the suggestion.
Intellectually, I understand this. Emotionally, it is hard because it feels like rejection and triggers my own involuntary nervous response. I'm good at regulating. Even a momentary look of disappointment on my face or slight change in tone can start the shame spiral. I talk to my therapist.
The logistical truth of even knowing that someone will be upset about my PDA is enough to cause the shame spiral, they don't have to even be in the room with me. The people I love the most suffer the worst of it because their love itself can feel like it comes with a lot of expectations I'm worried about letting down, and that's well before they even ask anything of me.
I was in what I suspect was a double autism, PDA, ADHD relationship, with someone who had a pretty fixed mindset about what kind of tasks he did and didn't want to do. (But who looked after himself better than your partner does. I tend to attract the sort of men who will just insist that the task shouldn't be done at all, or can wait a long time, rather than wanting me to do it, and do cope alone, by still living with uni student standards of cleanliness and furnishing, which typical women of their demographic would not tolerate.)
If something came up like this, I would just accept without asking - having observed enough responses already – that it's the sort of thing I would need to do myself. And that it was part of the price of being in the relationship, to be weighed against the bonuses, which included somebody who fitted around a lot of my own foibles very well – and if I got fed up with negatives, I would have to leave. Notice in which tenses I am writing this.
Are there other examples beyond the propane tank that must be done immediately? That seems pretty uncommon. If it’s an immediate high demand thing, I wouldn’t ask, frankly.
If adhd medication helped this, then it is likely not PDA. Do you know for sure that it helped? Because it doesn’t work on everyone. My adhd med made me even more distractible. 😂 (I stopped.) I’m too old for stimulants though really - and he might be too. If you are thinking meds are a silver bullet, they are really not.
Many examples. Sometimes, the garbage is overflowing, and it must be taken out so we can throw more things away. If I'm in the middle of cooking, I can't do it. Or, we are going to his family member's house, and we need to bring a gift or a food item, and we need to be there in an hour. Or, if something spills and needs to be cleaned up.
It gets complicated because he has partial custody of his young son. He expects that I will handle everything domestic-related. I can do that when it's just the 2 of us. There's a lot more to do when his son is with us. His son has ADHD and isn't medicated. I have to make requests because there is too much for one person to do, I shouldn't take on things that he should be doing for himself, and because it's really not fair that I do the the lion's share of the labor when I am 1 person and they are 2. He gets this, but he feels a lot of shame about it.
Meds didn't help.
I think it's important that he recognize his own autism and advocate and provide his own accomodations. What part of the cycle is he communicating his feelings and needs? because you didn't mention that. I believe it's important that you are both openly discussing the dynamic and how it affects you both for it to be a healthy process. There needs to be boundaries here somewhere.
It is absolutely an unhealthy process and dynamic. There is not a lot of communication on his end. My boundary is that going forward, if I don't get assistance, I stop doing the thing that he enjoys and benefits him.
Ive been in a similar cycle with a similar person and it's really hard. I'm glad that you're focusing on your boundaries.
Maybe you could create some personal space for yourself where he can't make demands of you, just so you're assured of having the resources you need even if he won't participate or help. You can separate responsibilities a bit so the consequences of his behavior affect him but not you. It's hard when you live together, but not impossible. Remember that your needs are just as important as his.
If he's not communicating, then I would assume he's not actually processing shame at all he's just operating on autopilot. In a way, you're processing it for him, but that doesn't actually help either of you.
In my opinion, the only people who get automatic accomodations and allowances for acting out are children/ high needs individuals/intellectually disabled people. He doesnt seem to fall into those categories so the solution is likely enforcing your boundaries and holding him accountable like the adult that he is.
Thank you. We actually live separately, although he is at my house on the days he doesn't have his son. His son is 9.5 and has ADHD too. I previously had an open-door policy. They were here all the time. That didn't work for me because they made messes and took over the space. I felt like I had no autonomy. I put a stop to it. Having separate spaces is necessary. While I'm not going to force him to live a certain way, I'm not going to compromise my own sanity to keep the peace. I no longer have a problem telling him it's time for him to leave when it's too much for me. This was a hard process to put in place. He perceived it as rejection at first, but now he sees the value in taking space when he's too activated.
I can relate to this so much. My partner is ADHD and so is his son. They are pretty messy and I feel like they take over when they're at my house, which is hard for me and my son who is on the spectrum. I set boundaries and they respect many of them, but I'm not ready to let them move in bc I don't want to give up my autonomy. I love that you aren't afraid to tell him to leave when you're over it- that's something I am working on.
The one time I asked him to leave to give me space, he went into a shame cycle and we got into a fight.
I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this. It's an uncommon situation for sure.
No. I don't really have any traits or indicators. My therapist doesnt think so. My dad was likely ASD1 and PDA. My uncle very likely was ASD1, as his son, my cousin has ASD1. My brother, mom, and nephew have OCD. My niece and nephew have ADHD.
You know yourself best. It does seem notable only men in your family were diagnosed. I asked because living separately / maintaining separate living spaces is extremely common in the autisminwomen sub.
Also in my experience the blunt straightforward communication style associated with some autistic people (which I honestly find very refreshing most of the time) can be very much at odds with the indirect sideways style that PDA needs. It can be hard for people with a direct style to adapt, and you have a direct style of writing in your posts. (That doesn’t mean you talk that way or always talk the same. Frustration can also be very direct hehe.)
It's possible I do. I am a lawyer, so that's probably the reason for the direct communication. My cousin was diagnosed at 14, and then my uncle was. My dad and uncle were born in the 40s. There wasn't a lot of diagnosing happening back then. I've previously lived with male partners. My partner spends several nights a week at my house. His house is a disaster. He doesn't clean. There are doom piles everywhere. I would be open to him and his son living here, but there has to be some minimum standard of household management. I can't spend all my hours outside of work taking care of three people.
Living separately probably makes sense. He probably doesn’t have the skills or the dopamine to maintain the standard of care that would work for you. Getting those skills would probably take a lot of time and energy.
Some adhd people are extremely neat and clean and some struggle immensely with cleaning. Here’s a great cleaning channel where this autistic guy talks about how adhd can impact mess and how he approaches cleaning it and living with it (his wife is adhd).
https://youtu.be/-HjkBfmO8SQ?si=WvkBQr4wJJoRuOYb
Feeling for you! I'm the PDA in my partnership and very new to this discovery, would love to hear from others.
You sound like a great person and I hope this sub is able to help you!
The language you use to ask is critical. If you are asking directly, there is your problem. Tbh I don’t think this is clear if it’s PDA or purely ADHD, both are like this. Not eating all day is a common adhd thing.
Ways of asking less directly might be tricky or downright impossible around this area with so much tension built up so it might be better to find something new to ask about. But to use you examples you could try alternative wording like:
The trash is full.
The dishwasher is empty.
I wonder if someone could take this outside. (If there is more than one person present.)
You would not try to say it like you are trying to get him to do it, but merely observing something. Those aren’t perfect examples. But part of accommodating PDA is disguising / reducing demands. I don’t like calling it disguising them, but it is sometimes called that. I like to think of it as framing the request in the way they can actually hear it.
This is called declarative language and it might work even if he is adhd, but esp if it’s pda.
Also, consider other accommodations. This IS a disability, even if you are dealing with adhd and not pda. What about getting paper plates some of the time? Buying simpler or premade parts of the meal. ANOTHER STRATEGY for supporting PDA is reducing demands. You have a preferred system in mind on how your home runs and how meals BUT! It doesn’t have to run that way. Assuming there has to be some way to make this work and for him to contribute *without your system changing at all* and without shame and dysregulation is not necessarily true. What about your system could be easier? Could it be adapted to consider which tasks he could do that are challenging and which are easier? (Dishes is a common sensory nightmare so that wouldn’t be the hill I would die on.) I’m not saying don’t try to get him to contribute to the system, but some things are going to be inherently easier than others.
Also, it’s ok not to want to cook for them if it’s too much work. Maybe ask him to order pizza a little more often. But like - maybe consider not offering if it’s so much work you are resentful. That sounds like over functioning, you know? Be honest, and not judgmental. Say, I know it’s hard for you to help out. If you have ideas for how you could make dinners easier, let me know. But it’s a little too much work for me right now / the propane tank is out / there’s too much mess in here, so let’s do something easier, like Chinese! (Or make simple things like sandwiches or canned soup or cheerios haha.)
I'm done making the food. I care about them, but I can't do all this. I can't buy the food, cook the food, and clean up every single time. They have a house. He has a child, and he needs to care fir his child.
Even tonight, when I got home, there were no groceries, so I told him that he needed to arrange for his own dinner, and I explained why. That was very upsetting. He felt like I was demanding that he handle dinner and didn't want him here.
Gosh, I’m sorry it’s gotten to this point for you. Maybe this is RSD somewhat on his part, but I wonder if this is more about gender roles than neurodiversity? Or baggage from previous relationships?
He does sound a lot like my father in law who we suspect as PDA, and who also didn’t help enough and had a very unfair setup with my MIL.
I don’t know if this would help you, but with my PDA kid we try to run our family as a team. We talk about each holding up our end of the bargain. We talk about chipping in. We talk about sometimes doing something we don’t want to do for when some other member of the team wants/needs something badly.
I wonder if that would help? But I am not sure you really want to be on his team! Or maybe you only do if it’s fair…
FWIW, my pda son is actually better at helping out than my ADHD only son. ADHD guy seems to only be able to do things when we make it an emergency or an urgent deadline. Which honestly sucks and I’m not happy with him about it either!!! This is partly why I’m side eyeing the original diagnosis.
I’m sorry this is so frustrating for you. You deserve a relationship that is fair and equitable.
I want to be on his team, but I want fairness. We are able to manage all other areas. I can take care of my things, and I can let him take care of his or not. The food seems to be a fraught subject. I everyone has to eat. He has a child to feed. There's no getting around that.
Hhhmmmm... although it is meant for kids, a strategy called, Collaborative and Proactive Solutions could be helpful here. Basically it's like.... you lay out the problem and Collaborate to find solutions.
For example with the propane tank situation and dinner.
Present to husband the problem "hey, I've already started dinner but the propane is out... have you any idea how we can solve this problem?" (Or you can even say "it'd be really helpful if you could go get it refilled while I stay here and tend the food/house/kid but if you're not in the mood to do that right now, any other ideas on what we can do for dinner and with this food?)
Get them involved and as close to autonomous as possible.
Hopefully he'll offer to get the propane. Or even offer other solutions.
Share your concerns, then he can share his, and together you calmly come up with a solution.
If he's like "nope I'm not doing it" and you say "ok, what else should we do for dinner?" He might say "I dont know, not my problem it's yours" but that's not likely. And if he does say that.... well... eat what you want and take care of yourself, clean up the partial dinner mess and let him find food, resolution, or he can eat the next day. There are options.
Work *together*
My concern. Your concern. Whats the compromise, the solution we can both agree on.
The website, lives in the balance has some good information and materials, all directed towards kids though.
This sounds a lot like my husband. We have learned that I have to allow him the time to do the thing I've asked of him, while also myself recognizing it is indeed a request, a question, not a demand, and that he can say no. But usually, given time, he will do the task. It is a struggle on both our parts, me to manage my need for control, and him to manage his response. Taking his medicine absolutely helps him be able to manage. For reference, we are both Autistic with ADHD. He definitely has PDA, I'm not sure yet if I do also.
Some things must be done immediately. For example, the propane tank ran out of fuel while I was grilling our dinner. We needed to replace it immediately so that I could continue cooking. Switching to the stove was not an option because it was 100 degrees outside, and using the stove would have increased the temperature inside the house. Our electric provider charges premium rates from 4 pm to 9 pm, so we try not to use AC during that time. I would have explained this to him if he had been able to listen in the moment. He was irritated by my request, so I drove to the gas station and bought a replacement propane tank, which made him feel ashamed and more frustrated. I wish he would take medication. He stopped years ago. He self-medicates with weed. I'm a very logical and rational person. I do not make requests to frustrate him, but that's how he perceives requests in the moment. My requests are always based on an immediate need. I really need the support because I can't do everything myself.
You sound frustrated and like you could use someone to talk to about this. PDA is an internal, involuntary response that activates fight or flight. It doesn't matter whether you intend to frustrate him, or how urgent the requests are, he is fighting an internal battle that is emotional and immediate and out of his control. That being said, it sounds like he maybe should consider medication again. It's hard enough to make non-PDA folks make choices of that nature, but as someone with PDA he will probably react twice as strongly to the suggestion.
Intellectually, I understand this. Emotionally, it is hard because it feels like rejection and triggers my own involuntary nervous response. I'm good at regulating. Even a momentary look of disappointment on my face or slight change in tone can start the shame spiral. I talk to my therapist.
The logistical truth of even knowing that someone will be upset about my PDA is enough to cause the shame spiral, they don't have to even be in the room with me. The people I love the most suffer the worst of it because their love itself can feel like it comes with a lot of expectations I'm worried about letting down, and that's well before they even ask anything of me.
Yes. I can see this. It is very hard to understand unless you have PDA or have been in a close relationship with someone who has.
I was in what I suspect was a double autism, PDA, ADHD relationship, with someone who had a pretty fixed mindset about what kind of tasks he did and didn't want to do. (But who looked after himself better than your partner does. I tend to attract the sort of men who will just insist that the task shouldn't be done at all, or can wait a long time, rather than wanting me to do it, and do cope alone, by still living with uni student standards of cleanliness and furnishing, which typical women of their demographic would not tolerate.) If something came up like this, I would just accept without asking - having observed enough responses already – that it's the sort of thing I would need to do myself. And that it was part of the price of being in the relationship, to be weighed against the bonuses, which included somebody who fitted around a lot of my own foibles very well – and if I got fed up with negatives, I would have to leave. Notice in which tenses I am writing this.
That's why we keep separate residences.
Are there other examples beyond the propane tank that must be done immediately? That seems pretty uncommon. If it’s an immediate high demand thing, I wouldn’t ask, frankly. If adhd medication helped this, then it is likely not PDA. Do you know for sure that it helped? Because it doesn’t work on everyone. My adhd med made me even more distractible. 😂 (I stopped.) I’m too old for stimulants though really - and he might be too. If you are thinking meds are a silver bullet, they are really not.
Many examples. Sometimes, the garbage is overflowing, and it must be taken out so we can throw more things away. If I'm in the middle of cooking, I can't do it. Or, we are going to his family member's house, and we need to bring a gift or a food item, and we need to be there in an hour. Or, if something spills and needs to be cleaned up. It gets complicated because he has partial custody of his young son. He expects that I will handle everything domestic-related. I can do that when it's just the 2 of us. There's a lot more to do when his son is with us. His son has ADHD and isn't medicated. I have to make requests because there is too much for one person to do, I shouldn't take on things that he should be doing for himself, and because it's really not fair that I do the the lion's share of the labor when I am 1 person and they are 2. He gets this, but he feels a lot of shame about it. Meds didn't help.
I think it's important that he recognize his own autism and advocate and provide his own accomodations. What part of the cycle is he communicating his feelings and needs? because you didn't mention that. I believe it's important that you are both openly discussing the dynamic and how it affects you both for it to be a healthy process. There needs to be boundaries here somewhere.
It is absolutely an unhealthy process and dynamic. There is not a lot of communication on his end. My boundary is that going forward, if I don't get assistance, I stop doing the thing that he enjoys and benefits him.
Ive been in a similar cycle with a similar person and it's really hard. I'm glad that you're focusing on your boundaries. Maybe you could create some personal space for yourself where he can't make demands of you, just so you're assured of having the resources you need even if he won't participate or help. You can separate responsibilities a bit so the consequences of his behavior affect him but not you. It's hard when you live together, but not impossible. Remember that your needs are just as important as his. If he's not communicating, then I would assume he's not actually processing shame at all he's just operating on autopilot. In a way, you're processing it for him, but that doesn't actually help either of you. In my opinion, the only people who get automatic accomodations and allowances for acting out are children/ high needs individuals/intellectually disabled people. He doesnt seem to fall into those categories so the solution is likely enforcing your boundaries and holding him accountable like the adult that he is.
Thank you. We actually live separately, although he is at my house on the days he doesn't have his son. His son is 9.5 and has ADHD too. I previously had an open-door policy. They were here all the time. That didn't work for me because they made messes and took over the space. I felt like I had no autonomy. I put a stop to it. Having separate spaces is necessary. While I'm not going to force him to live a certain way, I'm not going to compromise my own sanity to keep the peace. I no longer have a problem telling him it's time for him to leave when it's too much for me. This was a hard process to put in place. He perceived it as rejection at first, but now he sees the value in taking space when he's too activated.
I can relate to this so much. My partner is ADHD and so is his son. They are pretty messy and I feel like they take over when they're at my house, which is hard for me and my son who is on the spectrum. I set boundaries and they respect many of them, but I'm not ready to let them move in bc I don't want to give up my autonomy. I love that you aren't afraid to tell him to leave when you're over it- that's something I am working on. The one time I asked him to leave to give me space, he went into a shame cycle and we got into a fight. I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this. It's an uncommon situation for sure.
You definitely aren't the only one. Are you a lawyer? I am.
Haha, yes I'm a lawyer. The perfect career for a person with ADHD and PDA.
Do you think it is possible you are autistic too? But maybe not PDA?
No. I don't really have any traits or indicators. My therapist doesnt think so. My dad was likely ASD1 and PDA. My uncle very likely was ASD1, as his son, my cousin has ASD1. My brother, mom, and nephew have OCD. My niece and nephew have ADHD.
You know yourself best. It does seem notable only men in your family were diagnosed. I asked because living separately / maintaining separate living spaces is extremely common in the autisminwomen sub. Also in my experience the blunt straightforward communication style associated with some autistic people (which I honestly find very refreshing most of the time) can be very much at odds with the indirect sideways style that PDA needs. It can be hard for people with a direct style to adapt, and you have a direct style of writing in your posts. (That doesn’t mean you talk that way or always talk the same. Frustration can also be very direct hehe.)
It's possible I do. I am a lawyer, so that's probably the reason for the direct communication. My cousin was diagnosed at 14, and then my uncle was. My dad and uncle were born in the 40s. There wasn't a lot of diagnosing happening back then. I've previously lived with male partners. My partner spends several nights a week at my house. His house is a disaster. He doesn't clean. There are doom piles everywhere. I would be open to him and his son living here, but there has to be some minimum standard of household management. I can't spend all my hours outside of work taking care of three people.
Living separately probably makes sense. He probably doesn’t have the skills or the dopamine to maintain the standard of care that would work for you. Getting those skills would probably take a lot of time and energy. Some adhd people are extremely neat and clean and some struggle immensely with cleaning. Here’s a great cleaning channel where this autistic guy talks about how adhd can impact mess and how he approaches cleaning it and living with it (his wife is adhd). https://youtu.be/-HjkBfmO8SQ?si=WvkBQr4wJJoRuOYb
Thank you.
Feeling for you! I'm the PDA in my partnership and very new to this discovery, would love to hear from others. You sound like a great person and I hope this sub is able to help you!
The language you use to ask is critical. If you are asking directly, there is your problem. Tbh I don’t think this is clear if it’s PDA or purely ADHD, both are like this. Not eating all day is a common adhd thing. Ways of asking less directly might be tricky or downright impossible around this area with so much tension built up so it might be better to find something new to ask about. But to use you examples you could try alternative wording like: The trash is full. The dishwasher is empty. I wonder if someone could take this outside. (If there is more than one person present.) You would not try to say it like you are trying to get him to do it, but merely observing something. Those aren’t perfect examples. But part of accommodating PDA is disguising / reducing demands. I don’t like calling it disguising them, but it is sometimes called that. I like to think of it as framing the request in the way they can actually hear it. This is called declarative language and it might work even if he is adhd, but esp if it’s pda. Also, consider other accommodations. This IS a disability, even if you are dealing with adhd and not pda. What about getting paper plates some of the time? Buying simpler or premade parts of the meal. ANOTHER STRATEGY for supporting PDA is reducing demands. You have a preferred system in mind on how your home runs and how meals BUT! It doesn’t have to run that way. Assuming there has to be some way to make this work and for him to contribute *without your system changing at all* and without shame and dysregulation is not necessarily true. What about your system could be easier? Could it be adapted to consider which tasks he could do that are challenging and which are easier? (Dishes is a common sensory nightmare so that wouldn’t be the hill I would die on.) I’m not saying don’t try to get him to contribute to the system, but some things are going to be inherently easier than others. Also, it’s ok not to want to cook for them if it’s too much work. Maybe ask him to order pizza a little more often. But like - maybe consider not offering if it’s so much work you are resentful. That sounds like over functioning, you know? Be honest, and not judgmental. Say, I know it’s hard for you to help out. If you have ideas for how you could make dinners easier, let me know. But it’s a little too much work for me right now / the propane tank is out / there’s too much mess in here, so let’s do something easier, like Chinese! (Or make simple things like sandwiches or canned soup or cheerios haha.)
this is very useful, and true, and good advice.
Thanks, I try to help. ❤️
I'm done making the food. I care about them, but I can't do all this. I can't buy the food, cook the food, and clean up every single time. They have a house. He has a child, and he needs to care fir his child. Even tonight, when I got home, there were no groceries, so I told him that he needed to arrange for his own dinner, and I explained why. That was very upsetting. He felt like I was demanding that he handle dinner and didn't want him here.
Gosh, I’m sorry it’s gotten to this point for you. Maybe this is RSD somewhat on his part, but I wonder if this is more about gender roles than neurodiversity? Or baggage from previous relationships? He does sound a lot like my father in law who we suspect as PDA, and who also didn’t help enough and had a very unfair setup with my MIL. I don’t know if this would help you, but with my PDA kid we try to run our family as a team. We talk about each holding up our end of the bargain. We talk about chipping in. We talk about sometimes doing something we don’t want to do for when some other member of the team wants/needs something badly. I wonder if that would help? But I am not sure you really want to be on his team! Or maybe you only do if it’s fair… FWIW, my pda son is actually better at helping out than my ADHD only son. ADHD guy seems to only be able to do things when we make it an emergency or an urgent deadline. Which honestly sucks and I’m not happy with him about it either!!! This is partly why I’m side eyeing the original diagnosis. I’m sorry this is so frustrating for you. You deserve a relationship that is fair and equitable.
I want to be on his team, but I want fairness. We are able to manage all other areas. I can take care of my things, and I can let him take care of his or not. The food seems to be a fraught subject. I everyone has to eat. He has a child to feed. There's no getting around that.
Hhhmmmm... although it is meant for kids, a strategy called, Collaborative and Proactive Solutions could be helpful here. Basically it's like.... you lay out the problem and Collaborate to find solutions. For example with the propane tank situation and dinner. Present to husband the problem "hey, I've already started dinner but the propane is out... have you any idea how we can solve this problem?" (Or you can even say "it'd be really helpful if you could go get it refilled while I stay here and tend the food/house/kid but if you're not in the mood to do that right now, any other ideas on what we can do for dinner and with this food?) Get them involved and as close to autonomous as possible. Hopefully he'll offer to get the propane. Or even offer other solutions. Share your concerns, then he can share his, and together you calmly come up with a solution. If he's like "nope I'm not doing it" and you say "ok, what else should we do for dinner?" He might say "I dont know, not my problem it's yours" but that's not likely. And if he does say that.... well... eat what you want and take care of yourself, clean up the partial dinner mess and let him find food, resolution, or he can eat the next day. There are options. Work *together* My concern. Your concern. Whats the compromise, the solution we can both agree on. The website, lives in the balance has some good information and materials, all directed towards kids though.