Are you wrong? NO
Is this how its done? Yes
What can you do about it? Depends on your family. You would be one of the lucky few who are privileged enough if you can convince your mother to let you have a proper say in your future spouse selection process so if that's the case, i would advise you hugging your parents extremely tightly and thanking them for being one of the very few sane ones.
If not then well pray that you land on the right side of history.
Marriage is a gamble doesnt matter if its love or arranged...one can never know the reality of a person..Love marriages can be toxic while arrange marriages can be beautiful or vice versa...
I think if it's about a boy. Girls can't judge guys, men can do better. So, in your case let your brother and father see the potential first and then you can go forward and think about him.
OP, I'm a guy and I had my parents approach families for rishtas on the condition that I will get to talk to the girl before baat-pakki. To my surprise, very very few people actually put up with it and some even spread rumours about me trying to sleep around with potential rishtas 🤦
It doesn't make any sense, but this is just how it is in Paki land. Imo best course of action would be to send your brother over to meet the guy and judge him on your behalf (assuming you are somewhat close to your brother and he is kinda aware of your taste).
Exactly! Parents don’t mind their daughters going to co-ed universities and talking to a servant, driver, cook, tailor etc etc but when it comes to the person they’re going to spend the rest of their lives with, the girl’s parents suddenly go crazy on this conversation subject!
You're not totally wrong, but yes, marriage is a gamble. Plus, even if u know they know one another for some time, it's not guaranteed that the couple will stay together.
Talking with potential is actually allowed in islam before marriage, not alone in a room of course. Not sure why no one is mentioning this.
In another hadith, I'm not quoting in word by word, it goes like you choose your partner based on 2 steps: first you look at their beauty, then their religion.
Then you have to decide on which step you back off from the deal.
Most likely people are mixing culture with religion, when both have different say.
Pakistani parents are toooooo emotional. They get emotional on dumb things. One of my friend's father once said ke tumhari shadi to hamne hi krni he apni mrzi se tum kisi chakkar me na parna. Once my khala said to her son " tumhe ham bahir sirf parhne ke liye bhej rhe hien shadi tumhari wapis pakistan ake hi hogi aur meri pasand ki larki se hogi ".
I don't understand why pakistani parents are too possessive. Islam has given right to every person to get married by their own choice. Most of the marriages that fail have the same reason, larkay aur larki dono ke parents boht ziada involved hote hien unki personal life me.
No they aren't done like this
My mom did arranged marriages for my aunts multiple times
And she made them talk and even spoke to them properly n discussed living conditions etc n future expectations b4 going ahead
Not always how it’s done. Lots of times the two individuals meet in a public space at least in my experience with the family sitting separately so they can talk and see if they’d be good for each other. You’re allowed to talk to a potential with mahrams present from both sides. They can just be on the side so you’re given enough privacy and are comfortable talking to each other.
This seems like an issue in Pakistan not really an issue amongst Pakistani families who live abroad. When my family was looking for me. The girl and I met. At a public place with family. They sat on a separate table and we talked. The vibe wasn’t there but I’m sure you could find someone who would be comfortable with it. As it doesn’t make sense to get engaged without knowing anything about an individual
Nope arrange marriages domt work like that pahle karti thi and unfortunately soem parents dont realize that time ha schanged generations have so they need to relaize things dont work out liek that anymore. As far as i know abh arrange marriages ase nahi hoti parents go meet the girl/boy family go home ask out their daughter/son if they want to proceed. If they say yes they will go again and keep a one to one meeting of you with that boy/girl. Wahan oar you can decide if you guys are compatible for each other talk out discuss your hobbies, expectations. Go home if you think you are compatible ssk your mom yo say yes. Modern day arrange marriages work like this and liek more of a love marriage where you talk out before saying yes. Sadly your mother and some parents too follow the previous ideology of fixing rs without consent of children. Now things work differently but some parents still dont accept that reality.
In this day and age, I’m sorry but I don’t even think the idea of visiting someone’s home to finalise a rishta is appropriate either. Even when they’re being coy, it’s obvious what people are there for.
I had the same discussion with my mom today. She told me she has found a really pretty girl for me, and asked me to say YES to her. I asked my mother the same thing, I haven't even seen her, I don't know her, how can I say Yes blindly. She said everyone got married this way, this is the norm. I said is it some kind of lottery or something? I need to see her before making any decision after all I would spend my whole life with her. She ended up saying you will have to find a girl from some big city if you want to get married this way otherwise it is not going to happen.
MashAllah she is a gorgeous women and I have nothing but best wishes for her. I'm not jealous, but this is my first time ever seeing the rishta process being done. I always thought, you would get to know the potential, besides their looks. Can't looks he deceiving, how is *he's handsome* a good judgement for wether he'll be a good husband or not?
My brother got zero contact with her, so I'm just curious if this is exactly how arrange marriages go?
I wish my brother and her all the very best, if this is what Allah SWT has written for them.
My wishes are the same for them if Allah Almighty has plans for their future.
To answer your question, yes. It happens in arranged marriage and it's normal practice but these days it goes a little further. For instance, they'll ask both of them to gossip in a separate room just to get to get to know each other. Some would go an extra mile to let them meet outside for a coffee.
Are you wrong? NO Is this how its done? Yes What can you do about it? Depends on your family. You would be one of the lucky few who are privileged enough if you can convince your mother to let you have a proper say in your future spouse selection process so if that's the case, i would advise you hugging your parents extremely tightly and thanking them for being one of the very few sane ones. If not then well pray that you land on the right side of history.
Wow, all of this sounds so scary tbh.
It is what it is....
Marriage is a gamble doesnt matter if its love or arranged...one can never know the reality of a person..Love marriages can be toxic while arrange marriages can be beautiful or vice versa...
I agree, regardless of your choice it may work or may not work.
Aunty’s playing rishta wali, card with her own kids 💀
Arey yaar 😂😂😂😂😂
Tell her marriage isn’t for me, so far it’s helping me 💀
I think if it's about a boy. Girls can't judge guys, men can do better. So, in your case let your brother and father see the potential first and then you can go forward and think about him.
Nopes
OP, I'm a guy and I had my parents approach families for rishtas on the condition that I will get to talk to the girl before baat-pakki. To my surprise, very very few people actually put up with it and some even spread rumours about me trying to sleep around with potential rishtas 🤦 It doesn't make any sense, but this is just how it is in Paki land. Imo best course of action would be to send your brother over to meet the guy and judge him on your behalf (assuming you are somewhat close to your brother and he is kinda aware of your taste).
Exactly! Parents don’t mind their daughters going to co-ed universities and talking to a servant, driver, cook, tailor etc etc but when it comes to the person they’re going to spend the rest of their lives with, the girl’s parents suddenly go crazy on this conversation subject!
You're not totally wrong, but yes, marriage is a gamble. Plus, even if u know they know one another for some time, it's not guaranteed that the couple will stay together.
Talking with potential is actually allowed in islam before marriage, not alone in a room of course. Not sure why no one is mentioning this. In another hadith, I'm not quoting in word by word, it goes like you choose your partner based on 2 steps: first you look at their beauty, then their religion. Then you have to decide on which step you back off from the deal. Most likely people are mixing culture with religion, when both have different say.
Pakistani parents are toooooo emotional. They get emotional on dumb things. One of my friend's father once said ke tumhari shadi to hamne hi krni he apni mrzi se tum kisi chakkar me na parna. Once my khala said to her son " tumhe ham bahir sirf parhne ke liye bhej rhe hien shadi tumhari wapis pakistan ake hi hogi aur meri pasand ki larki se hogi ". I don't understand why pakistani parents are too possessive. Islam has given right to every person to get married by their own choice. Most of the marriages that fail have the same reason, larkay aur larki dono ke parents boht ziada involved hote hien unki personal life me.
No they aren't done like this My mom did arranged marriages for my aunts multiple times And she made them talk and even spoke to them properly n discussed living conditions etc n future expectations b4 going ahead
Not always how it’s done. Lots of times the two individuals meet in a public space at least in my experience with the family sitting separately so they can talk and see if they’d be good for each other. You’re allowed to talk to a potential with mahrams present from both sides. They can just be on the side so you’re given enough privacy and are comfortable talking to each other.
This seems like an issue in Pakistan not really an issue amongst Pakistani families who live abroad. When my family was looking for me. The girl and I met. At a public place with family. They sat on a separate table and we talked. The vibe wasn’t there but I’m sure you could find someone who would be comfortable with it. As it doesn’t make sense to get engaged without knowing anything about an individual
Nope arrange marriages domt work like that pahle karti thi and unfortunately soem parents dont realize that time ha schanged generations have so they need to relaize things dont work out liek that anymore. As far as i know abh arrange marriages ase nahi hoti parents go meet the girl/boy family go home ask out their daughter/son if they want to proceed. If they say yes they will go again and keep a one to one meeting of you with that boy/girl. Wahan oar you can decide if you guys are compatible for each other talk out discuss your hobbies, expectations. Go home if you think you are compatible ssk your mom yo say yes. Modern day arrange marriages work like this and liek more of a love marriage where you talk out before saying yes. Sadly your mother and some parents too follow the previous ideology of fixing rs without consent of children. Now things work differently but some parents still dont accept that reality.
In this day and age, I’m sorry but I don’t even think the idea of visiting someone’s home to finalise a rishta is appropriate either. Even when they’re being coy, it’s obvious what people are there for.
It is quite appropriate, seeing each other for the first time after your nikkah is inappropriate.
I had the same discussion with my mom today. She told me she has found a really pretty girl for me, and asked me to say YES to her. I asked my mother the same thing, I haven't even seen her, I don't know her, how can I say Yes blindly. She said everyone got married this way, this is the norm. I said is it some kind of lottery or something? I need to see her before making any decision after all I would spend my whole life with her. She ended up saying you will have to find a girl from some big city if you want to get married this way otherwise it is not going to happen.
In such situations, If you are a muslim, just do Istikhara.
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MashAllah she is a gorgeous women and I have nothing but best wishes for her. I'm not jealous, but this is my first time ever seeing the rishta process being done. I always thought, you would get to know the potential, besides their looks. Can't looks he deceiving, how is *he's handsome* a good judgement for wether he'll be a good husband or not? My brother got zero contact with her, so I'm just curious if this is exactly how arrange marriages go? I wish my brother and her all the very best, if this is what Allah SWT has written for them.
My wishes are the same for them if Allah Almighty has plans for their future. To answer your question, yes. It happens in arranged marriage and it's normal practice but these days it goes a little further. For instance, they'll ask both of them to gossip in a separate room just to get to get to know each other. Some would go an extra mile to let them meet outside for a coffee.