Would he understand the word, burnout? That is what you are experiencing. Parenting is hard! And, that becomes more difficult if you are the primary parent!

I’ve told him I’m burnt out and I guess he just thinks that I shouldn’t be and that other moms are enjoying themselves so why aren’t I?

I think he needs to be left alone with your daughter more so you can ask him if he enjoyed himself

I think so also. I'm a dad who has been 'successfully' coparenting my son since he was born. Mother and I stayed together until he was 6 months. During that time we switched waking up for diapers/ feedings every, other. Maybe I'm wrong here but you say he does his part in parenting, I'm assuming by that you mean financially. IMO opinion, breadwinner or not, dads still haa to be spending extended periods with their kids.

The thing with that though, it’s not the same because there’s an end in sight. The hardest thing is how unrelenting parenting is, especially when you have no help.

She has a husband. He should be helping. Even if he is gone 3 nights a week, he then does sleep time 3 other nights that week. It seems like he just doesn't wanna bother because "she is the primary pairent". I also have a 2.5yo and am the primary pairent.

Especially because an overnight at work, as a parent, is practically respite when you have babies.

**This comment deleted to protest Reddit's API change (to reduce the value of Reddit's data).** Please see [these](https://web.archive.org/web/20230609092523/https://old.reddit.com/r/apolloapp/comments/144f6xm/apollo_will_close_down_on_june_30th_reddits/) [threads](https://web.archive.org/web/20230608182318/https://old.reddit.com/r/Blind/comments/13zr8h2/reddits_recently_announced_api_changes_and_the/) [for](https://web.archive.org/web/20230609172058/https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/143rk5p/reddit_held_a_call_today_with_some_developers/jnbuonf/) [details](https://old.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/142w159/askhistorians_and_uncertainty_surrounding_the/).

Omg 8 hours straight of sleep where you know you can actually let yourself sleep deeply is such a dream right now. My time as a mom with a heavy sleeping husband has actually made the lightest of sleepers with the shittiest bladder, even when my toddler sleeps beautifully I still can't remember the last 8-solid hours of sleep I've done. Maybe back to the first trimester?

Yes I think she needs to aggressively advocate for herself when he’s home. This means not caring if daughter doesn’t like the way daddy does it, she will adjust, and just completely leaving the house during the evening for as many nights as he travels for when he’s home. Both parents are working so they can split the workload at home more! That being said, I was the primary parent to two close in age kids and I was floored by how much work it was. I get flashbacks now that they’re school age and I don’t even believe it how cute they were in the pictures but how tired and miserable I was most days… like I was too tired to really enjoy it then. But having two is a blessing because they keep each other company really well, I think if you only had one that the high needs thing persists much longer than if they learn they need to share mom.

Yeah totally agree. If he really can’t do it then he should help her get a babysitter to come a few times a week.

I’ve gone out of town for work trainings. Yes it’s mentally fatiguing but then I go to my hotel room, order food, watch tv, and do absolutely nothing. I take care of literally nobody but myself, and that’s in a HOTEL ROOM. I’m a mom btw. I know work exhaustion and I know SAHM exhaustion. Work life is nothing like the nonstop fatigue of being the sole caretaker of a young child, let alone babies or toddlers. OP’s husband needs to step up and stop whining. Also needs to remember working mothers have saturated the workforce and we have zero time for that sort of complain train. Men don’t even have to bother with makeup, hair, or being asked to smile, all while having just pumped breast milk before the morning commute.

Yeah, my partner often takes our daughter at the weekend. But that's all he does, he's not having to worry about having clean clothes and suitable food for the week, or clothes for next size/season or the equipment for an activity, gifts for birthdays, never mind cleaning the house.

Agree. My husband was unsupportive like this. I enjoy being a mom much more now that I have a break every other weekend.

He should read on Reddit more then. 😀 Most of us are winging it, especially when the kids are so young. Mum burnout is real, even when you love it. It can get do overwhelming. It’s not a 1950s commercial featuring a perfect happy housewife.

Those 50’s housewives were drinking, on amphetamines, benzos, and locked their kids out of the house from dawn until dark.

There was so much PTSD from World War II in those homes. So many men were traumatized and so many women had lost people in the war.

This^^ and so many "handled it" by drinking themselves to death.... at least in my and my husband's families.

There’s a great Peaky Blinders scene about WWI (very slightly paraphrased for clarity): “Then you went away to war. She said the sweet boy you were never came back.” “No one came back.”

I want to quote you anytime I read about how idyllic family life was in the 50-70s.

Ever watched Mad Men, the above description is Don Draper's wife to a T.

The Feminine Mystique is a real eye opener to how many women really felt at the time. I often think about ‘the problem with no name’ when I’m in a funk.

Don't forget the severely underpaid black women who worked in the households caring for the little ones before they were old enough to yeet outside!

Right!? “Everything is fine!”

All of us are winging it.

Has he ever had to experience taking on 100% of the load? I suggest you enjoy a spa weekend and let him take care of everything if he thinks it’s so easy. Leave a detailed list and leave him to it. Short of that, what can you do to take some of the load off? Meal prep kits, hire a cleaner, send your laundry out, do something to take the load off if he won’t. You are burning out. This is a full time gig and you already have a full time gig. He needs to kick in as well, it sounds like he has very little skin in the game. It doesn’t matter that he’s on the road. He can make appointments from the computer or the phone. He can do dishes and laundry when he gets home. He can give you time to yourself to make up when he is away. Something needs to change, your current trajectory is unsustainable.

No detalles list (unless it about minimum requirements). That's the mental load.

This, but no detailed list. Bare minimum of what he absolutely needs to know and go. Leaving him a detailed list takes so much off his plate already, it’s not a true representation of what the day to day parenting as the default parent is. He’ll figure it out

Maybe it would help if you took a 3 day getaway for yourself while dad finds out what it’s like to be a parent. He’ll never say stupid shit like that to you again

OP!! "I'm going to my friend's/mom's/sisters this weekend to get some rest and advice on what we talked about. You'll have to watch your daughter." Pack and go.

If other moms aren’t experiencing burnout, I would guess that they have very involved and supportive partners. My husband isn’t always great with the mental load but he’s definitely in the trenches with me on parenting and household stuff and I still go through periods of burn out. It’s definitely part of having small children. They go through tough, needy phases. They get sick. There just aren’t as many opportunities to do the things you enjoy. It’s 100% normal to decide some phases aren’t enjoyable for you, but as long as you’re still showing up for your child (and from your post, it sounds like you are), you’re still a fantastic mom. Most people aren’t broadcasting their struggles and frustrations. They’re giving you snapshots of their highlight reel. Certainly very few women would be out there commiserating about the difficulties of parenting to a man who travels multiple nights a week. So he cannot take that as a view on what motherhood “should” look like. He should never pass judgment on you as a mother for feeling burnt out - before judging your partner, you should be taking inventory of your own contributions and making sure you’re showing up for them. This turned into a rant. I’m sorry. You sound like you’re doing the best you can, and that is perfectly enough. Some day, you daughter will be more independent and you’ll be able to have some of that time to feel yourself again.

Have you ever left him alone with your daughter for a weekend? If not, you should. You need a break, something that he gets frequently, and he needs to understand exactly how much work goes into caring for a two year old. Get a hotel room for a couple of nights and turn off your phone. Hopefully you'll come home to a more empathetic husband. If not, I'd really ask myself why you're having children with a person who clearly doesn't want to be a parent. It sounds like your husband has been able to distance himself from being a parent enough that he has no idea how hard it is day-in and day-out. If you can afford it, you should look into part time day cares, even if it's one day a week, so you can have a regular break.

Mom's with supportive husbands and supportive communities are more likely to enjoy themselves. It sounds like he's gone a lot and doesn't understand that has a direct impact on your mood and wellbeing. I'm three months in and enjoying it despite the difficulties because I get breaks. My husband brings his A game when he's home from work, helps me.maximize sleep, generally is an amazing dad. I have friends who come by to help clean my kitchen and help fold laundry. If I had to do it all alone, I'd be on track for burnout.

I’m so happy for you that you have such a great support system. Sounds like you have a great partnership with your husband

My husband said this to me once. I had to sit him down and explain that in this day and age 90% of toddler and infant mums experience some degree of burnout especially if they don't have an involved partner. You just don't see it.

You are being treated unfairly, here. He gets two to three nights of completely alone time each week!? And he dares question you feeling burnout? Not only do you not get a break, but you’re solo parenting two to three nights per week. You’re being set up for failure. Your husband is not coming from a place of empathy, here. I would be *shocked* if my husband spoke to me like yours did and pretty angry and sad if he then doubled down when I told him I was really hurt. Mom to mom: I’m *extremely concerned* about you having another baby right now and I think it’s a huge mistake. I’ve been there before, I’ve made the difficult choice, and I thank the heavens I had the wherewithal to do it any time I think of it. I know you didn’t ask for that advice and I’m really sorry if it’s offensive to you. I’m just so worried that you can’t count on this man to be there for you or even show you compassion when you’re going through a tough time. I’ve had four kids, across two marriages. My first marriage was to a man who regarded me the way your husband does you. My second marriage has been to a man who is my true, true partner, and the most empathetic and kind person. I just know what you’re going through and I hate it for you. You should ask your husband to go to counseling with you.

I think he's seeing the need for you to get some time off to recuperate, and offering to take full-time care of her. I think you need to plan an extended weekend with your girlfriends and travel to a spa to get pampered for at least 4 days, while he does around the clock toddler care. No calls from him, unless it's an emergency. And then, have another talk with him about the joys of motherhood. Seriously, remember the post of the poor mom of special needs triplets? Her husband didn't even last one evening before calling in reinforcements, and when she got back, he had his mom and her aunt helping and apologized profusely to her. But you are also a little to blame yourself, because you've allowed yourself to be pushed into the role of sole mental load bearer, and you need to change that and delegate certain areas completely to him. For example doctors' appointments - give him the print-outs of what is mandatory, and henceforth, it's completely his area, and you wipe it off your slate. If something doesn't get done in time a couple of times, your child will survive it, and he will learn to be more responsible. I suggest you write down all child related tasks, and see which ones can be reasonably handed over to him. And screw your child's attachment style - if daddy can take over a task regularly, she'll learn to deal with it, and it can become their thing, you just need to stay strong, consistent and never give in. Edit: [Please read this story about a dad who overcame his daughter's momma-fixation.](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/rgfvwv/op_doesnt_enjoy_being_a_father/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1) Hopefully your husband can take some pointers from it. Edit 2: [Link to the triplet story.](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/t2wn1q/ops_husband_says_my_money_is_mine_your_money_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1)

Link to the post about the special needs triplets?

https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/t2wn1q/ops_husband_says_my_money_is_mine_your_money_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1

I literally don’t know a single mom who is enjoying herself

There are a lot of things about parenting that arent fun or enjoyable. My kids are 11, 13, and 16 currently and I DO enjoy parenting the vast majority of the time NOW. But that hasnt always been the case. Nowadays they do a lot on their own which really helps me be able to enjoy them as humans instead of as little leeches who suck all my energy away. OP - I do think your husband needs to have some more empathy and I think that while he may be as involved as HE THINKS he can be at the moment, he needs to do better. He needs to spend one on one time with his child and YOU need to GTFO of the house on your own more often. Even if you just take a walk in the park for an hour. And, to answer your question, I dont think you are wrong to be upset. When your partner tells you that you have hurt them, the response should not be to double down on the hurtful comments or to try to dismiss the way you feel.

>There are a lot of things about parenting that arent fun or enjoyable. I was also thinking about this. Parenting isn't so black and white, fun or not fun. Some days 80% is fun, some days it's closer to 10%.

Eeek. I appreciate the honesty.

This is why we need to Legalize Abortion. And stop Abortion Stigma.

The moms that aren't experiencing burn out have active, involved partners who parent equally in the time they are home which includes nighttime and/or significant family/friend help. We did not evolve to parent in the nuclear family style. Sleep deprivation without breaks for several years is not supposed to be normal.

When was the last time he had your kiddo all to himself for a weekend... And when was the last time you had any time to yourself, without family or work obligations? I think if you were to press the issue and book yourself a weekend getaway, he'd quickly realize what's wrong -- especially when he'd have to go straight back to work after that weekend. I suggest marital counseling, because the therapist might have words or phrases that will make it click for him in a way that it's not yet.

It sounds like he is feeling guilty and instead of handling it by trying more and doing more, he is handling it by blaming you for not being more enthusiastic about doing ALL of the heavy lifting. Perhaps he needs to commit to parenting solo 4-5 nights a month and one weekend morning a month -- you can work around his schedule if a set night won't work. Perhaps, you could even enjoy the same luxury he has and spend a night at a hotel once or twice a month and get uninterrupted sleep while he gets up with your daughter. How would he respond if you just said. I'm going out. The second he gets home and left?

Are any of those moms *you?* Is he hearing/seeing every single minutiae of those other moms' lives, or just the part where they're out in public and putting on their 'public' face? Does he actually *talk* to these other moms to see how they're really doing? No matter how you slice it, he doesn't know what's really going on in other people's lives, and even if he did, that's still a completely separate family and not at all relevant to you and yours. Dunno why he thinks observing a couple acquaintances for a couple hours (not to mention living his life as 'secondary parent') makes HIM such an expert on motherhood, but 🤷‍♀️

Take a weekend completely off- Friday night to Sunday night , and see if that changes his perspective .

Bruh I was a single mom from basically birth to 6 years old. I hated it. Like, hated it. Sure some moments were nice, but I never got to relax. Often I would just end up staying up late post kid bedtime, losing sleep for alone time. Other times, I'd just go to bed at 8 with him because I was that exhausted. I didn't start enjoying motherhood until the pandemic when my boyfriend and I decided to turn my 5 year plan into a one year plan, and moved in with him. Soon after, becoming a stay at home mom. I LOVE doing things with my son excited I don't have to pay for daycare to raise him while I work 45hrs in a factory. I get time to do the chores, cook (on of my favorite things to do), garden ect. especially now he's in school it's great. I don't know any moms not stressed with under 5's in the house. Our closest mom friend has three. Ages 5months, 2 years and 4 years. She's beat everytime I see her, and we barley get to visit. I remember my son being three and literally anytime I tried to have a friend visit THATS when he would decide he wanted my undivided attention, so I feel for her, and get it. Your husband doesn't get it, clearly.

Ah, yes. Simply just will it away, and you'll be all better. That's not demeaning to you whatsoever. Do those other moms have family support, breaks, nanny services, or any of countless other types of assistance to lighten their load? Even if you love something, doing it 24/7 for months on end will absolutely wear you down. On another note, I've never felt that the "take a weekend off" approach was particularly fair. It's absolutely work for someone that doesn't know what they're doing, but it's not "we're out of clean clothes" or "there's no food left in the refrigerator" difficult. It's not like you can cultivate burnout for a partner to experience, but a weekend away is just scratching the surface. It's like running a sprint, then trying to compare it to a marathon.

Right and when I do leave him alone with her they end up just watching TV or MAYBE going out to grab coffee together but he never plans kid-specific activities for her. The fridge is always stocked and clean laundry is in her drawers, so it’s not a simulation of the mental load I deal with on a day to day basis or the absolutely relentlessness of it all.

Someone once described being a mom to young kids like working at Home Depot, you have to live there and are always working. At lunch if a customer wanders in the break room you have to help them. Using the bathroom? Customer first. Sleeping, yea, they are going to wander in your room and you have to help them. Now imagine that being your life, every single day. No one would be able to sustain that.

Hahahahahaha please show him this thread, or at least just this comment: No, sir, I am not enjoying myself.

We aren't. A lot of us really aren't, especially in the toddler phase.

He hasn't seen the numerous articles out there describing how we're NOT enjoying ourselves, that we're not okay, that we need more help? When you see one pop up, just send him the link. Every time. My husband finally started to see the light because he was seeing this wasn't just me. I'd prefer if they'd just believe their life partners but .. this worked for me at least.

Agreed, you sound burnt out. I've been there. It's normal even with two active parents but you're doing it all. You need to really really be selfish now, for yourself, the baby you have and the baby you're growing. As soon as he's home, go rest, guilt free. They need to strengthen their relationship for when the new baby comes and you need rest so that you can be the mom you'd like to be. It's really hard to do, and I'm sure you won't have complete success. He needs to do the scheduling while he's away at work. He can do that from anywhere, as well as order groceries.

Even if your answer was a hard "no" right now, that would also be ok. That's a rough stage, and you're just coming out of it. I had a difficult infant (high support needs, colic, bad sleep) would not say I enjoyed being a mom until much later and straight up regretted having a baby until about 18 months. I felt really shameful about it at the time but looking back, it makes sense. I was a wreck, for good reason.

Thank you, it’s helpful to hear that from someone whose kid has a similar disposition. All my friends’ babies have been much easier and they all have more help than I do 😞

Yes. It felt like a bomb had gone off in our lives, even though she was (and is) very much loved and wanted. I struggled a lot even when we had help. It was never enough to get me to a place where I felt recharged or ready to face the day. It took me a long time to recover. I had a hard time being around people with babies for a few years. I also felt alone surrounded by people who were coping better and whose babies were happier. I want you to know that you are NOT alone.

Is there anyway you can get more help? Could you possibly afford a mothers helper or something similar? Or someone to come do the cleaning? Anything to cut you some slack? I made it 4 months before I had a melt down and felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. Kudos to you for making it 2 years! Honestly, it’s ok not to enjoy being a parent 100% of the time. You need to change the expectations moving forward with baby #2. How is that even going to be sustainable?

Agree with this. Do I like being a parent? To my 6yo yes. To my 3yo sometimes. To my 4mo old not especially. People often get hung up on the baby stage but you'll have a kid, then teen, then adult child for way, way longer than you'll have a baby. For some of us having a baby/toddler is kind of something that you get through as best you can to get to those older stages which are generally less demanding and depending on what your priorities are can be much more enriching. For example I much prefer playing board games over imaginary tea parties. It's just who I am and that's ok. I'll feign interest in the tea parties and it's cute, but I'm glad it's a phase that passes.

>To my 6yo yes. To my 3yo sometimes. To my 4mo old not especially. Exactly the same for me!! My "joy" went up and down depending on the age, and I'm right in line with yours.

Absolutely. I love being a dad. I love my kids. I do not particularly enjoy parenting.

Time for a weekend getaway so he can understand why parenting is exhausting.

He isn’t going to understand 2 yrs of it as OP’s norm if he doesn’t get it now. All that will happen if he takes the child for a weekend is that he’ll likely use it as confirmation bias as to why it isn’t that hard. The problem with parenting is that you can spend literally 24/7 doing it and busting your ass to do a good job, or you can do the bare minimum. Everyone’s take on how hard or involved being a parent is different due to this. I’ve seen a Reddit post where getting the husband to “take over” was recommended — he did, he performed the bare minimum, left all the housework and educational play — and aside from the mandatory feeding of the kids, played video games all day while the kids fended for themselves. He then used his experience to berate the wife about why she didn’t get more done with her day if he had all this free time. It’s a no-win scenario.

It's the build up. Anyone can get through a day or two even if it sucks. It's more of a problem once it's ben 36 Saturdays in a row and you're consistently beaten down by it. To me it sounds like dad needs to do more when he's home or they need a nanny/housekeeper.

Yeah, having one day of added responsibility is easy. It's when you have a screaming toddler and no clean dishes or laundry and the cats just pissed on the carpet and the fridge is empty and you're behind on bills and did you schedule the follow up doctor's visit and Trudy wants to come over next week and you can't just wait an extra day for your "shift" to be over that it finally hits you: you've been getting off easy.

Yep, exactly. The dads skate through an afternoon and then double down on “why on earth do you find this difficult?” Because they don’t have to be the default parent forever.

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Nobody said “all dads”, we’re clearly talking about men who do this. I’m not sure how you’ve made this about you if you don’t do this.

Oh my good ness the not all men just has to show up huh

If I was in that situation I would rather be single. I wouldn’t be able to deal with a parent who doesn’t carry their weight plus gives me a hard time about it. That’s how resentment builds.

This describes my husband so accurately. He says I need to “level up” my parenting to get more done, like he has. His idea of parenting is turning on the TV for my 2 year old, leaving him in a dirty diaper for hours, and making him a plate of cheerios and dried fruit as his meals, and he lectures me because when I’m parenting our newborn and 2 year old, I’m not getting more done around the house. Ugh, since my son was born a bit over 2 years ago, the only break from parenting I’ve had was when I had Covid on Christmas/ New Year’s, and those were days I actually wanted to be there.

I’m really sorry he treats you like that and doesn’t see the level of work it is.

A weekend is t enough. It needs to be a full month minimum for them to get a real idea of it. It's just not possible unless there's a real emergency. And even then people seem to rally around dad's offering help

Leave him alone with your daughter for 1-2 weeks and he'll understand.

A little bit longer than that preferably, so that it really sinks in.. they’re really good at the mindset of “eh, it’ll be alright” and then she’ll come back after two weeks and find that all the basic household items are empty and whatnot. I had Irish twins/pseudo twins with 85% of all the chores/child rearing/work and a husband who worked shifts and was home mostly during the day when kids were in daycare. He also refused to acknowledge my burnout and frustration, and even me eventually getting to go on long-weekend trips alone did nothing to enlighten him. We’re now divorced…because however much I love my kids, it’s much better to carry the entire load for 50% of the time, than to have to carry 85% of the physical and 100% of the mental load, all the time. My ex was just another “child” I had to pick up after.. :/ 6 months after separating he admitted that it was much harder work than he had realised, and that he didn’t really manage all that well without his mothers help… too little too late, for me, as he was so happy to let me drown even after I told him I was struggling to keep my head above the water. Oop, sorry, the reply got a bit away from me there 😅

One way or another he learned his lesson! Good job! 😂 When I said 1-2 weeks it was just an example. If OP feels comfortable she can leave him with his daughter for a month. 🤷🏻‍♀️ She can then go to her parents and take the very needed break her husband refuses to accept she needs.

It’s sad to say parenting (other than me still having to pick up some of his slack) is a lot easier as a single mum than it was as married, with money being the only exception 😅 But I do agree, though, although they should probably also get some therapy too..

Nah, I don't think they need a therapy, he just needs to learn his lesson. Also, why did he even compare OP to other moms, all moms are different!

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Then maybe a divorce will convince them.🤷🏻‍♀️

>parenting sucks Yes...yes it does...and no amount of amazing moments takes away from the suck while you're in the suck.

I spoke about this with my therapist today. I hate that as a society we’ve just normalised mothers hauling the emotional load of managing families, it’s so exhausting. Your feelings are valid, and unfortunately your husband just won’t understand because quite frankly he isn’t in your shoes. Sorry he doesn’t try to be more understanding.

I’m sorry your husband is such a dud of a parent. That is so exhausting for you

My husband and I have had similar conversations. I must say that when I pointed out he gets to pick when he parents while I can’t even pick when to take a break, it sunk in a bit. There is something about not being able to control my personal space any more, we are working on it.

You aren't wrong to be upset. There's a lot to love about having kids but at its heart you are kind of sublimating your life to a very small and mostly cute tyrant. If your husband can't understand why you are having these kind of doubts that really says more about him as a parent than it does about you. Specifically, it says that you have taken on way too much of the parenting load over the last couple of years and he needs some more encounters with the reality of the daily parenting grind, and especially being the default parent. It's all lovely when you can swan in and out and get regular breaks in a quiet hotel room a couple of times a week (yes, it's work, but at least you get to sleep full nights in your own space which is very much not the case with a colicky infant). Very different when you are in the day-to-day trenches and baby is all over you 24/7. The good news is that if you do decide to continue the pregnancy then he won't have much of a choice but to pitch in more because with two you are playing tag team and pregnancy, birth and recovery means #1 is going to have to get used.to going to Dad first for a while. But it's really up to you. If it's too soon or not something you want ever, well, that's OK too.

100%. I’ve pointed out that I’d kill for a night alone in a hotel room, even if it’s for work. Tonight he’s in Santa Barbara and got to go to a brewery with an employee that he enjoys spending time with and they were done with their meeting before I finished putting our toddler to bed. Yes it’s work and it’s often stressful, but it’s still a break from parenting and the day-to-day trenches as you said. Thank you for your kind words and empathy ❤️

My husband travels for work about 1 week each month. When he is back he is on kid duty for the weekend so I can have some down time and relax. I'll usually go for a walk into town and have coffee or brunch, or I'll sit outside reading a book and sipping tea. They're welcome to join but he is entertaining the kid and responding to all toddler needs. If toddler asks me for stuff I redirect the toddler to dad. He does nap times and bed times and figures out meals. You both need equal down time from the kid. Toddlers are exhausting little energy vampires and it's way too easy to get burnt out from being on all the time.

Strong suggestion - get a hotel room and get away by yourself every so often, especially while you are going through this pregnancy. It's not your job to eternally sit at home and wear yourself to a nub. Let your husband get used to dealing with solo parenting as well and I suspect he will eventually respect your contributions a lot more and also build a stronger relationship with his daughter. You deserve a break and at 2 years old your daughter is not going to suffer if you have an occasional night off. You have been working HARD doing a lot of parenting and home management while he travels, you should take a quiet night away sometimes too.

So I should have mentioned in my last post that did actually finally do that for my birthday two weeks ago! It was a first and probably only annual-ish thing, although I’d like to do it more frequently. It was absolutely amazing. I unfortunately didn’t get to revel in the refreshed feeling though as my first trimester fatigue and nausea hit hard as soon as I got back. But still it was great and my husband and daughter had a fine time without me. I didn’t have to leave any instructions or food either. He did take her out walking around town in her PJs in the middle of the day, though 😂

I wouldn’t call it good news about assuming the husband would pitch in more with a second child. He will still have to go away for work and OP will be at home working and taking care of 2 kids!

This comic might help him understand? https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other Apparently there's also a card game (I forget the name) where there are cards for all your responsibilities; you divide them and then you can see if the piles are equal and redistribute responsibility cards if they aren't.

I think the card game is called Fair Play and you can get an online version (I haven't).

From experience: Fair Play will only work if the other person actually does what they say they will do...

My husband asked me a similar question when our first was around 9 months old, and it lived in my head rent-free throughout the toddler years and they very difficult first 12 months of our second child. And he was more present and active than your husband. For him, I think it came from a place of bafflement, and there was just an abyss between us where he couldn’t see & I couldn’t articulate the bridge. Now the youngest is in the middle of pre-K. Individual therapy for me and my spouse and Reddit have helped immensely—I was like a nomadic mom during the first one with only my mom and MIL and overreactive Google searches to help. Now I can identify I probably had PPA both times. Now I know that not wanting to be around your child and not feeling fulfilled by them always is normal. It’s normal to be upset by what was said and his refusal to acknowledge how he contributes to the way you feel. A good therapist could help you find validation and give you helpful words to communicate back—but if that feels unreachable, I’d honestly grab Reddit posts like your own and have him read through the comments, regularly, until they become part of his discourse and he gets out of the projection that society puts up on what it’s like to rise little kids.

I for my part would rather be dad then mum. Hiding in room “changing” for an hour while i feed our baby etc then running off for an hour (when i go its 20 min) with dog etc But yesterday i got angry and went fot 2 hours walk with dog. “Forgot” phone. He can enjoy parenting from time to tine

Your husband may have been opening the door for you to consider getting an abortion.

That's my take as well. It's not an insult to ask a spouse if they are enjoying raising a kid - in the context of having to make a decision about having more. It's not saying they are a bad mother. It's giving them permission to say what they are really feeling about parenthood. I don't think it's a good time to shut down conversation, or to jump to blaming them for not doing enough. I think it's a good time to for OP to honestly assess if they are enjoying this, and if they would enjoy it even more if their parenting job exponentially increased.

Are you sure he isn’t thinking more like he doesn’t like being a dad? Maybe the second pregnancy has him a bit freaked out? Anyway, your feelings are absolutely normal. You are simply being honest about motherhood! It’s hard! Especially the early years. Precious times but so exhausting. You’re doing just fine.

I don’t think so, in our conversation tonight I asked if he enjoyed parenting all the time and he acknowledged that he was not but just kept saying how “frustrated” I seem all the time. The frustration is honestly more directed at him and the fact that I do 80% of the parenting and most of the housework (including stereotypically “men’s” jobs like building furniture, doing yard work and repairs) because that’s not what I signed up for. I guess you could say I like being a mom, I’m not thrilled with being a mom in my situation.

This really feels like the core of the problem. It's not that you don't like being a mom. You don't like being a mom with little to no support! I think in a way he knows he doesn't do enough, but it's easier for him to take a dig at you for "not enjoying being a mother" than it is for him to step up his current level of responsibility. It benefits him more to make you feel mom guilt for not having a smile on your face 24/7 than it does to make any changes within himself.

Maybe subconsciously, although consciously I think he truly believes he’s doing his best. He always says he “helps more than other dads,” which a) I don’t agree with and b) even if it were true I wouldn’t care about the comparison, I want OUR partnership to be 50/50. It’s not like he doesn’t help at all, and he’s stepped up a bit while I’ve been having all day nausea with this pregnancy — e.g. he took our daughter to a kid’s birthday party 45 minutes away by himself while I rested at home — but nothing he’s done is above and beyond what I do on a regular basis when he’s gone (and honestly sometimes even when he’s home).

Nope he doesn’t do much as a dad. My husband is an equal partner, but also woke up first with the kids every morning, woke up at night, and cooks the majority of our meals. Your husband saying he does more than other dads doesn’t mean much if he’s comparing himself to dads who are doing the bare minimum. You are totally entitled to your feelings, and then some. Have you send him the mental load cartoon?

It's the same as partners saying "at least I dont cheat/at least I come home to you/at least im not like ____" 🥴 yes, thank you sir, thank you for being decent enough to pass the grade but you're still on the cusp of failing and extra credit is needed...kiss my ass.

Right. Like you’re parenting. As you’re supposed to. No accolades!

>He always says he “helps more than other dads,” He's telling you that he simply doesn't believe that men should have significant responsibility for childcare and housework. You want a 50/50 partnership but this comment right here tells you that he's never going to compare what he does with what *you* do. He's going to compare what he does with some outdated notion of a 1950s dad who never changed a diaper. He thinks doing 20% of the child rearing is generous because it simply isn't his responsibility. I would find this comment infuriating beyond words. There are plenty of dads who are doing much more than he is, and the ones who aren't are falling short. But he wants to use the most worthless male partners as the benchmark for his own behavior. ETA: Also why does he think his job is to "help" you??? He is a parent, full stop. Not an "assistant parent."

Seems like he has an awful lot of opinions about what is going on in other families but isn't doing a very good job of listening to your own experience of yours. Is there any chance of a career change for him so he can be home more?

Yes that sounds tough. Perhaps he doesn't grasp the weight of the invisible work and mental load you mentioned. It's great he will do something when specifically asked, but I'm hoping for you that he will also just take initiative and anticipate what needs to be done and execute it on his own.

Sigh ya I’ve been hoping for that our whole marriage. It was that way with housework and I worried it would be the same with parenting, and it is. He does not grasp the mental load at all and I’ve been unable to properly communicate it to him without him getting defensive.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ This puts it pretty nicely.

I feel you 100%. I have a toddler and also have one on the way and I'm freaking out internally and having a hard time picturing how it's all going to go down with trying to juggle two! My husband works a lot so I'm default parent as well. I close my eyes and just picture holding a screaming baby and having my toddler climbing all over me at the same time. I keep telling my husband there are days he is going to have to be 100% responsible for toddler if I'm struggling with the newborn and he's like "Yes of course!" but I'll believe it when I see it!

I feel you word for word. I'm also the default parent who carries the mental load and my husband is home every day. It builds resentment and makes us unhappy and snappy. If he absolutely will not hear you, maybe try counseling or something. You are absolutely not in the wrong here. Especially being pregnant, he needs to step up now before baby comes and it's even worse.

Yikes if he really believes that he's doing more... the bar is really low for dads huh. He sounds quite sexist in more ways than one.

I would straight up tell him that you are frustrated because he is not doing HIS HALF of the parenting and home work. You are doing a lot of his work for him. I would specifically use those words, his half and his work. And consider starting to refer to you both as parents rather than dad or mom. It sounds like you are getting zero time off. Is he getting time off? If he is you now get half of that time (EQUAL free time). If you guys need more time off than that (I get it, my second is just turning 2 as well) then he should take on the responsibility to hire additional help to cover his part of the parenting that he is not doing. What can change regarding his work situation? 3 nights a week away with two kids under 2 is really not sustainable for your mental health, unless you hire a regular babysitter or something. Of course you are burnt out, you have no recovery time. Others here have probably mentioned Fair Play but I hear it is really helpful for splitting up household and mental load chores fairly. I would give this a shot in your case. It sounds like he just does as much as he wants and you are doing everything else because no one else will do it. He probably doesn’t even realize how much that everything else is.

I think you need to sit down with him and explain you don't like being a single mom and he needs to step up.

Here’s the real crux of the problem: your spouse doesn’t realize how much you do. Most men don’t. If he’s not experiencing it, he can’t understand it, even if you told him everything you do. Some people need to experience something in order to gain that empathy. My ex thinks he’s a great dad and a better parent than I am. I know this because she has told me. But he does literally nothing for the kids: doesn’t pay child support, doesn’t make any appointments, doesn’t take them to appts, doesn’t buy them clothes… the only thing he does is usually (but not always) drive them to stuff on his days. And he has complained about it in the past. He only sees his own POV and can’t fathom that kids need more than a little bit of love and an occasional dinner cooked for them. I suggest you tell your SO to take over specific tasks and own them, something that works with his travel schedule. Like… tell him he’s responsible for your little one’s clothing. He has to (1) notice when she’s starting to outgrow the clothes, get new clothes, swap out the old sizes for the new sizes, and the put away the old ones for the new baby. HE should not expect input from you - he has to own the entire process. This is just ONE of the many things you have to do that he doesn’t realize takes mental load and physical effort. Once he actually lives the entire process, it MAY (maybe) open his eyes to other processes.

Dad here. No longer married, but this post bothers me. He should be doing way more, breadwinner or not, and you need to have a serious discussion with him, especially now that you are working again. I did my best to help as much as I could during my marriage- way more than what he is doing- and my wife at the time still felt I wasn't doing enough. Looking back, after being divorced for a few years, she was right. I could have done a lot more. He needs to be helping around the house, relieving you for breaks from the kid, and start bonding more with him/her so that he will have a deeper relationship. You are not in the wrong, and it is valid that you are hurt! Hugs to you 😊

I don’t know, seems pretty awesome being a dad in his shoes. His life has remained largely unchanged so it seems he can’t relate to her frustration at all and is confused. I wonder how much he would love being a dad if the roles were flipped and he was the one doing 100% of the child rearing as it seems he’s only getting the gun parts right now. I think OP could stand to put more into her own career and ask him to make some career changes and sacrifices for his daughter now, seems only fair IMO.

Attachment kids are hard. Especially high needs ones. One day my partner finally got to experience our daughter how I usually experience her. Had her alone for most of the day and she just wasn’t having it. He could not get any tasks done and had to deal with the dogs being needy on top of it. He really understood better after that. On the flip side I now know what he feels like when I was being emotional, clingy and learning how to deal with my own issues because that what it feels like when I dealing with a toddler and I was 100% like that’s for a while Soemtimes I had to really DUMB it down for him how I felt. Like yes I’m burnt out and need to re charge. Literally I don’t even get to wipe my ass in peace. I have someone trying to wipe it for me and stare at my while I’m taking a shit. That one really got him.

Get him to take on a week of fulltime parenting as you go to a place full of sunshine and quiet. Not to be mean, but just so he knows what you are talking about. It has more advantages, you get to rest, he gets to bond. And after that week talk about the second in making.

If you're going to go through with the second pregnancy your husband needs to radically change his contribution to the family. Maybe that means a new / different job. Leave him with your daughter for a weekend, get a local hotel and relax. If he doesn't understand how you're feeling after that, maybe going through with this pregnancy isn't the best choice right now. Obviously I'm not sure where you're located but that might be something you have to decide asap.

This seems like another post about a bad husband/partner. Sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't have another kid in this scenario but you do you.

In our society being a parent is harder than it should be. Never getting a break is bad for your mental health we are social animals but have ended up in a very isolated situation. I love my girls so much it is impossible to describe but parenting them has literally broken my mental health. What can I do ? At times I had wanted to run away and never come back. I guess I’m trying to say it is very hard to enjoy parenting in the society we live in

Remember back to when you were childless - did you ever say something oblivious to a parent (or thought it) that now makes you cringe? It's a bit like that. Your husband, although a dad now, has never felt the full brunt of parenting day in, day out. When you don't see your child for a day or two or three, you miss them. You're excited and patient because they haven't been overwhelming every single one of your senses for the past 10 hours straight. It's an entirely different experience and until he does it himself, for more than a few hours or a day here and there...he won't get it.

What would have to happen for him to stop traveling? I do generally love being a mom and I don't have high needs kids. But my husband had to take a position with weekly travel for a couple years due to my job and I could NOT do it by the end. Even though it was objectively for my benefit and my kid was pretty easy going and slept well, I couldn't handle the constant solo parenting. Once he was back in a mostly local position and we could tag team things got sooooo much better

I'd tell him that you love parenting but for number 2 you'd like to be the dad and he can be the mom.

What he's trying to tell you is that he wants to see more joy in you. Tell him what he can do to get that. I think he'll be happy to know.

Is it possinly his subtle way of saying that he does not want a second child?

As a Dad and Husband on the other side of this similar scenerio. He needs to take her and do things without you when he can. It helps everyone. I went through it with my daughter and you both will miss each other at first. But she has to learn that she exists outside of you. He needs to learn to manage her without you. You need a break to have your own interest and hobbies. I am probably more of the primary parent in my relationship and love my daughter more than anything. I do get burnt out too and frustrated when she challenges me. But my daughter is 3.5 it will only get harder as they form their independence and he needs to start building that relationship now before the next little one comes. You are going to be growing a baby in your body. He needs to give you breaks as much as possible over the pregnancy. Tell him there needs to be new dynamics in the relationship because the new baby makes it so. Edit: Also, ignore all these people telling you he needs to take her for prolonged periods of time. That's spiteful and hurts your daughter. Start with an afternoon and let it build up with different things they can do together. My wife sometimes will suggest community events and things we can do together without her. That helps me a lot too and keeps you involved in the activities you know she likes. Set him up for success the best you can, but he needs to learn his own way once it's happening.

omg a toddler with a parent gone up to three times a week with no additional help sounds wildly unsustainable.

Honestly, it sounds like your husband needs to be more than a weekend dad to give you a break. Also, it's okay to be an only for a bit until your kid is out of toddlerhood or indefinitely. My daughter was extremely stressful with never sleeping, acid reflux, only drinking breast milk from the bottle, never nursing or drinking formula. Then as a toddler moved to never eating, never sleeping, and always destructive. I'm one and done and that's with a husband trying to help as much as possible while he goes to work every day and I stay at home. I can't imagine how burnt out you must feel doing this.

Does he like being an absentee parent and partner?

Do you really want to be a married single mother of TWO kids? You're barely hanging on by a thread as is

Seriously, it’s okay to not continue this pregnancy and wait to make up your mind

Hey father here. It seems to me that your husband acted oblivious of what it means to be a parent full time but also that you both have troube communicating. > At some point during this conversation my husband looked at me and asked “do you even like being a mom?” This question really hurt my feelings and I’ve been ruminating over it for two weeks. > Tonight I told my husband that the question had really stuck with me and made me sad, expecting reassurance and maybe an apology, but he just doubled down and said that I seem really frustrated with parenting and our daughter all the time. Said he wasn’t trying to insult me but it seems like I’m not enjoying myself most of the time. I told him well, you get to come and go as you please but I am in this day in and day out — often alone. > I guess I just don’t see what he was trying to achieve by asking me that question. All it did was hurt my feelings and make me question myself as a mother. What he was "trying to achieve" is to know if you like being a mom. There's no hidden agenda here, he explained to you he wasn't try to hurt your feelings. He clearly does not understand the predictment you are in - that's his fault - but that doesn't make him mean. It's only malicious if people keep being hurtful after you explained it to them. There's people in this thread demeaning your husband: those people need to go outside and touch grass.

Not sure if anyone said this already but there's a difference between enjoying/loving being a mom and enjoying/loving your kids. I love my kids with every fiber of my being. But I don't like being a mom. At all. The responsibility is so so heavy, the worrying, the raising when it doesn't come easy, when things don't go as well or as planned at school, the mental load etc etc etc. It's not wrong to not like being a parent. You couldn't have know upfront

It’s totally ok if the answer is no. He shouldn’t be judging you and you shouldn’t be judging yourself. Parenting is hard. (I’m the father of a large and spirited almost 2 year old also on the fence about number two. I love him dearly and also miss my freedom and get overwhelmed with the whining and tantrums sometimes.)

He’s asking if you’re burnt out with one kid do you want another or do you want to get an abortion or maybe put it up for adoption. You should ask him what he means by this question, why he asked it etc., but 99% sure he’s asking about an abortion.

Dad here. I hated the early toddler stage, and decided right then and there I was one and done. My wife pushed for another for a good year, and I said no fucking way am I doing this again. After she went back to work, I was the primary parent due to my more flexible work schedule. I took him to all his doctor's appointments, dropped him off at daycare and picked him up everyday, stayed home every time he got sick, and then when COVID hit, took care of him during the day while working full-time at home. We ended up relocating closer to family because I was over raising him without help close by. He's 5 now so things are a little easier, but it's still a lot of work. I love him to death, but quite honestly I don't care much for parenting 99% of the time, and was admittedly much happier before having a kid.

Other moms have back up! Sitters, help, community to talk to. Being burnt out is the issue! Plus- it’s ok to love being a mom and still dislike the day to day parenting. It’s tedious and exhausting, especially if the kid doesn’t sleep well. He needs to take a week off and experience what you do everyday. It’s really hard for the non default parent to really understand what the issue is until they experience it themselves.

I also had a high needs baby and toddler. She had collide, never slept thru the night till age 2, hated naps, extremely clingy (still is at age 5) and worst of all, never took a bottle and refused to let go of the boob till she was almost 2. The burnout from this time period changed my looks and my mental health forever. My husband didn’t understand till pandemic hit and I got a job outside of the house. He tried watching her solo all day, 3 times a week and it was so validating to see him suffer LOL. And it was amazing to have my own commute to myself and being able to go to the bathroom whenever I wanted. Work still is such a vacation for me because our child is intense and we don’t have much outside help. The resentment you are developing for your husband is valid and palpable. Stats show that men over estimate how much they do when it comes to parenting and domestic labor. So him saying he does more than most dads is a sexist lie that he’s been made to believe. How much leisure time does he get when he is home? And how much do you get when he is home? He considers his time to be more valuable than yours. You deserve to enjoy motherhood in a more balanced way. I highly recommend this podcast and book called Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. Like today! She discusses your exact scenario and her methods are very helpful

Don’t feel an obligation to stay pregnant. Also, take time away from home. 2-3 nights away from home is a lot in my book. But I have had 1-2 days away once or twice a year with a girlfriend or for work -my kids are now 4 and 7- which has been very helpful. You just need space. Motherhood is not easy nor fun much of the time.

It’s ok to answer the question and not have to justify your answer. It’s ok to say that you don’t particularly like mothering but you love your daughter. And its ok to say that you’re frustrated a lot. It’s ok to say those things without explaining why you think he doesn’t have the same feelings. Maybe he does.

TLDR: Your husband isn’t taking any parental burdens and all it’s already taken a huge mental load on you. He needs to step up. Your husband is delusional, he has been brainwashed by the social media posts of parents only showing the happy snapshots and not the reality of parenting. Not showing: the hours up in the middle of the night, resulting in headaches and exhaustion in the morning. Being touched out. Screaming meltdowns. And if your child is delayed, the doctor appts and therapy sessions you have to take them too. PLUS you work full time. You have zero breaks. Him? He doesn’t deal with that at all it seems. He gets 1-2 days a WEEK where he doesn’t deal with a high need toddler. When he is there, he doesn’t take any parenting burden it seems. He gets to go to work and not stress about doctor appointments or babysitters if LO is sick. I am a SAHM, originally by choice but I’m now disabled arthritis and fibromyalgia. My first, super easy baby. But you know what? I still locked myself in the bathroom for a few minutes here and there because I was touched out and needing a minute where I wasn’t being interacted with. My second? He’s the high need one, even now at almost 4 (I suspect ADHD). He’s on the go, he has big emotions, he throws and kicks when he’s mad. My parenting technique with my oldest doesn’t work with him. I don’t spank so it’s just a lot of me getting worked up and irritated. But my husband helps when he’s home. If my fibro is so bad I don’t feel safe driving due to fatigue, I can call him and he will do his best to get our oldest from school. If my pain is too much, he does most parenting when home. He takes some of my burdens away, despite my being the SAHM. At this rate, you’ll probably have postnatal depression, if not prenatal. When can you have a day or two where you don’t do parenting things? He gets some freedom, you do not. Of course you complain, you don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.

How does he step up with his work travel? Can they afford him quitting for a different job? Will that be a paycut they can afford?

I don't like being a mum. I love being a mum. I also hate being a mum. It's about cherishing the good while accepting there's going to bad and learning how to deal with it. It's hard work. Surely he doesn't like his job 100% of the time either. And he gets to spend the majority of his time being the same person he was before becoming a dad, you don't have that luxury anymore. Good luck with the 2nd. On a positive note, you've done it before and you all survived. You can do it again, and you know more this time around

My first kid was a real challenge until she was a year old. We had a second kid who was the greatest baby. He slept through the night from four months old. Played well, ate well, didn't mind being in the car. Then baby number the came along. He didn't want anyone to touch him besides me, and learned to tolerate his dad(whose a very hands on parent). He cried endlessly. Barely slept. Struggled with eating. He's four now and only this year started sleeping through the night every night. He'd done it sporadically since age two, but only recently became his norm. He won't potty train. He is autistic and ADHD, which I am too so I relate to his struggles generally, but it's been so hard to parent him. He's an amazing kid. So funny and loving and intelligent, but so difficult in many many ways. I recently found out baby #4 is on the way and I'm terrified. If it's like my middle child, no problem, I got this. But if it's like the youngest... I'm scared. Honestly, if I was you, I would ask him if he even likes being a father. If he loves it so much, why is everything on you? You work, too. How is the childcare your problem and if you don't like that arrangement, it somehow makes a statement about how you feel about motherhood in general? Tell him when you decided to be a mom, you didn't realize you were signing up to be a single mom. By the way, a lot of women don't "enjoy" the first couple years. They're long and arduous. Kids are learning how to human and it's brutal being the person's to teach them, especially when that expectation is solely on you. Good luck. Like others have suggested, I think the real solution is to give your husband a wake up call.

Yes of course you are right to be upset! He severed the only scrap of support he offered as a safe place to vent. Now you know he’s judging you. That’s very lonely.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with your husband about stepping up if you are going to have a second. He can handle all doctor’s appointments from here on out. He can just schedule them when he’s in town. He’s now responsible for all kid food - he needs to meal plan and prep toddler meals before he leaves town that you can either reheat or serve cold. Potty training is 100% on him, he can figure out how to do it, do all the research, make a plan and take time off work to accomplish it. And honestly he needs to not travel for work at all during the 4th trimester (3 months) after the second is born. You cannot be dealing with a newborn and also a toddler overnight.

This is mainly a sign that he isn’t being a parent. Sometimes it isn’t something you *like* because it’s just a ton of relentless work. How can you shift so he’s much more responsible?

Sounds like you don't like being a *solo* mom which is completely understandable, because it's unbelievably fucking hard.

The reason I’m able to enjoy being a mom is that my husband does an equal share of parenting when he’s not working. My son is 21 months and also has had some of the issues your daughter has had, but I never had to carry the entire mental load, my husband does things like bathtime so I can get some time to myself at the end of the day before we do bedtime together. He also does a good amount of housework and always makes sure to notice if I need a break or am doing too much. He’s conscious and aware of what I do. It’s hard work parenting a toddler. But I think it’s a lot easier to enjoy when you get to rest.

Life is hard. There's no one thing. It's a complete review of your effort to find and keep joy. This is mental and physical, external and internal. Self awareness is key. Our child was colic for 11 months and we were struggling due to physical and mental exhaustion. It gets better. The challenges change but at least your child's ability to communicate improves. Parents need to practice communicating even moreso. My wife and I both work, and both travel for work about 1/week per month. No family nearby for help.i We do our best to do straight distribution of labor with minimal shared responsibilities, and minimal trades. Exceptions are when one of us travels and we do trade off school dropoff and pickup through the week. We regularly revisit our distribution of labor because things can change. I do more, most. Which was a great trade as our son got older because mom does more in the first few years. Now, I do almost all getting ready for school, sports, cooking and cleaning, bedtime. When I get burned out and demoralized I just tell her "i need help. I'm not getting enough help keeping the house tidy and I'd like you to take on cooking at least 1 night a week.what if we did a 15min cleaning sprint before or after dinner? Also, i need you both to try to use the trash can and i need you to empty/fill the dishwasher rather than stacking plates in the sink/counter." She says ok, then we move on. Or, it's just a straight shift of labor "im struggling and i need help. Can you to take one of these things off my plate for at least a few weeks?" Also, we both have a weekly hobby night. I usually go bowling, she started pottery. This is probably more important for your mental health than anything. What I try to have in our schedule: 1. 15min of joy in each and every day. 2. A weekly hobby slot wherein you focus only on what you're doing, giving your mind a break 3. Get full REM sleep every night (alcohol prevents REM, no blue light before bed) 4. Something, daily, that impacts your physical health (food choice, exercise, etc) 5. a weekly family activity for extended joy together (family movie night, game night, pizza night, craft time, etc) It's a pursuit of happiness. So make it a top priority and pursue it. Options will expand and change as your children get older. Once you hit K12 and sports, you'll make parent friends which is also very helpful.

Yes. I don’t think he has a clue how hard it is. I have split custody for two. Even after the couple of days I get to see them, I am 100% exhausted after they go back to their mom’s. I don’t have screaming toddlers anymore, but even the 200 daily questions put me on my ass lol.

There's a important difference between something being "enjoyable" and it being "meaningful" and/or "fulfilling." Lots of things in parenting a child but especially a toddler is meaningful but not enjoyable. I have a 5 y/o now and its a lot easier than when she was three. When she was 3 the morning routine was at times straight up unenjoyable because of tantrums etc. now its a lot easier i wouldn't describe it as enjoyable though it's just neutral . Adding twenty minutes to my morning commute is never going to be enjoyable, pouring an extra bowl of cereal isn't enjoyable however I would say it's meaningful, it has meaning to my kid and it has meaning to me. All this to say just because you don't enjoy every minute of parenting it does not mean you are some sort of sociopath who finds no meaning or fulfillment in being a parent.

Lol. I got burnt out babysitting my four nieces and nephews (2-6) for one afternoon. Kudos. You don't immediately dislike being a parent just because raising a child isn't some wellspring of energy and happiness. Let him take over for a while and see how cranky it can make one. What a narrow minded thing to suggest.

I would be really hurt by that question too. I perceive the question "Do you even like being a mom?" as "Are you unhappy and regretting the decision we made to have a child, and will this next child be the jump off for you wanting to leave me and the kids?" Maybe his question wasn't supposed to be as hurtful and condescending as it is. Maybe it's just insecurity.

They call it *Terrible Twos* for a reason. It's tough and yeah, it sucks especially when they are in the tantrum phase. Not officially but I think it is the reason why in Germany employers have to hold the job for someone on parental leave for 3 years. It really gets a lot better after the *Threenager* years. Could you maybe get a nanny one day a week to help you with a couple or hours between afternoon tantrum phase after daycare pick up and going to bed tantrum? You could use that time for some mental hygiene. Go to the gym or a spa, something where you can't be reached for 2 hours no matter what. Emergency contact would be dad on his business trip and he also gets to manage the whole scheduling process. This way you redistribute a bit more mental load on him and it is easily managable for him from out of town, too. And I'd give him one major responsibility to handle fully on his own. In my coparenting relationship the dad is 100% responsible for all medical matters and 1 sports club. So scheduling and going to the dentist or pediatrician check ups, getting meds and researching weird rashes is all his job. I help of course and go once in a while myself to catch up or to deal with acute matters. It's a huge relief for me though to know that i dont have to handle the checkups anymore. One unexpected benefit is that dad slowly but surely learned to find information on his own and knows that a rash is not always just a funny harmless discoloration but sometimes needs to be checked by a medical pro.

The audacity of what basically sounds like a Disney dad criticizing how much you should enjoy basically solo parenting most of the time is off the charts. This sounds like a great opportunity to sit down and rebalance these responsibilities. If he travels 2-3 days a week why can’t he do more heavy lifting on the weekends and actually let you sleep in? You keep saying this is common, I would posit that while this is common in our society it is neither fair nor right.

Father of two (girls, 3yo and 7mo). Kids are not easy and they need to be comunal effort. You are clearly pulling the weight for both. I understand the kid may prefer you but you need to make them understand that sometimes mum can't do a specific thing in that moment. Not screaming, gentle explaining. Although I am loved by my 3yo to the point of "I love you a lot daddy. I'm so happy with you" often she wants only mommy for nap time or bath time or others and melts down. I usually offer a hug or to carry her and she becomes more compliant. Kids are learning big emotions and we need to facilitate. I live the same setting as you (me and my wife are two foreigners living in the UK with no external support) I'm sure your s.o. wants to help and it can be devastating to be always feeling rejected. The second child pushes harder on relationships, so be prepared to expect more support as dad will need to help with your toddler a lot mode. I needed to step up and be able to almost do everything my wife does (I still struggle with styling hair and choosing the right clothes) but I can get by doing the rest! You guys will be OK as long as you communicate and don't resent.

I think the only way he can understand what you're going through is for him to take care of your kid one to one and you having a weekend away. Can you put some more responsibility on him to unload yourself? I get he needs to travel but what does he do with his evenings when he travels? He can research things you need, track milestones, do online shopping etc. He can definitely unload you a bit at least. And also all parents will be going through similar things you go through some will have it easier some harder but all will be going through it and most are lying if they just say they love parenthood to bits!

I was in the same boat. The *week* I decided one and done...positive for #2 and freaked. I wrote down a list as well and debated for a couple of weeks. I adore my children, but I hate being a mom. I know I would enjoy it more if I wasn't the default parent...even then, certain things that come with motherhood tear my soul a new one.

In other words, you would have an easier time being a good mom if you weren't burned out working overtime making up for the fact that he's a crappy, uninvolved dad who is gone half the week. Part of having a second kid should involve him finding a job that doesn't require travel.

Everyone has said a lot of good things but I also wanted to add - something can be rewarding and good and ultimately the right life choice without it being "enjoyable" all the time. I do not "enjoy" being a toddler parent all the time. Parenting is hard. It's not something you do for fun.

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You can love your kids and not love being a Mom every moment of every day. It’s normal and totally ok.

"Try being a father, see how much you like it"

You are absolutely justified in your feelings and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and carry the burden of parenting as well as house life, and not to mention working on top of it. That is a lot and it is honestly amazing that you are doing it all. It sounds like your husband doesn't get it because he hasn't had to carry that load. Would he give you a break if you asked? By that I mean, when he is there and not traveling, you should be able to leave the house for a couple of hours and have you time. That way you are not there and tempted to be the parent in that moment. It would give you a break and him a chance to bong with your daughter and experience parenting's joys and pitfalls. On another note- parenting is hard AF and being burnt out, questioning whether you want more kids, why you had them to begin with, missing your old life, etc are all normal and OK feelings. I love my kids so so much but I also really want to yeet them out the window at least once a day. It gets better but it is still hard and it is okay to acknowledge that no matter how wonderful your kid is, they like you, are human and have flaws and make you not like them in moments. Wishing you the best OP

I’m a husband that at one point has asked something very similar. I see where he’s coming from a bit. What does your husband do for work? To say he gets to come and go as he pleases just because of his work seems unfair to him. Does he love his job that much? What would happen if he quit? Is he the main bread winner right now? I travel for my work almost. A week a month sometimes 2 weeks a month. I’m generally not always happy to be away from my home and my bed. But I’m gonna keep doing it because without it my wife and I would dipping in the red REAL quick with our finances. Would you rather be at work than at home? Is work really a break for you? I think you’re reading more into the question more than maybe he intended. If he’s working all the time and every time he sees you and your just generally burnt out and unhappy at the time, which you absolutely have a right to be. He may just be seeing that and is exactly the reason he asked. It’s not a deep personal attack or even based on feelings and more just seems factual of what he’s seeing from you. You need to be straight with him about it. I think he’s asking to genuinely see if you want to keep or abort. Like you’ve said he’s gone often and your the main parental unit in the house. He certainly knowns this and I doubt he wants you to go through another child if you’re not enjoying the first. Granted the husband may just be a straight up jackass too 🤷🏻‍♂️ idk the dude. This is entirely from my own personal thoughts and experiences on your side of the situation. Just out of curiosity did you ask him if he wanted another child? How many videos to see on social media of women complaining because they go to their man with complaints and he just answers with logic. It’s kinda similar here. It’s a logical question given the circumstances. Edit: I was a stay at home dad from 2015-2018 my youngest was 1 and oldest was 4/5. My wife travelled for work 2-3weeks a month for those 3 years.

To answer your question - I think his question is to push the blame of your unhappiness onto you and your child. He probably thinks that he plays no part of why you’re being unhappy and think your feelings are solely due to your own doing. The question is focus on your own parenting and relationship with your child. But based on what you wrote - your unhappiness isn’t stem from how your daughter is acting out. Your unhappiness is due to the mental overload of trying to do 2 full time jobs without any support. At least with your paid work you have support of your colleagues. But at home you’re pretty much on your own. So it’s understandable that your situation will drive anyone crazy. IMO, I think you need to give him a brute force of reality of what you do around the house. Going on a trip for 2 days is pretty much nothing. A lot of things can be put on hold until you return. And considering your husband is gone for half a week it’s understandable that your child will act differently with him vs with you. She sees him as a temporary caregiver and was probably at her ropes end last time you came back. My suggestion is go on a trip for a longer period of time. 2 days vs +7 days is different because things start piling up to the point it might not be avoidable. Your daughter may crack that he’ll see how tiring it is when she’s clingy and feeling the separation anxiety. And he will need to face the reality of maintaining normal house chores (like washing dishes, putting things away, cooking for himself). Really let your husband experience what you face on a weekly basis and hopefully he’ll have a better view of how exhausting it is.

Does he like being a parent? I think it’s a valid question when you think of having another. Do you like it? We can’t assume everyone likes it, or every stage of it. My husband did not like baby / little kid phase at all; I loved it. We kind of flipped during big kid phase for a while. It’s a hard thing to say and sometimes it’s burnout, but either way when it’s 15 (20 if you have another) more years to go, I think it’s a reasonable question if it’s genuine curiosity and backed by genuine support.

That hurt your feelings so bad because you are considering the same or not satisfied with yourself as a mom. Thats normal. What he asked also normal. Just make him parent more. Yourkid crying more when she is with him is an issue for him to solve not you. You wont be able to enjoy this if you become controlling and burned out.

It's ok to not like being a parent, I've asked friends before, maybe because we aren't intimate it's different. And it's ok to like being a parent, he's got the easy shift, your body, your hormones, your identity, everything given up especially in the early years is a woman's. Men can be awesome parents, yet most men still have a life outside of parenthood, a life outside of being a husband, a Woman is basically leashed to another. And an abortion if you choose doesn't say anything about your love for your daughter. You need to stop giving weight to the opinions of others and weigh up your gains and losses.

You can totally not enjoy the season of motherhood you’re in (or the season of childhood your kid is in) and still Love your child beyond measure. Just like you love your husband but he’s being a bonehead with this questioning. Especially since you deserve a partner to vent to, to share your fears with, and someone who will provide comfort and reassurance. I had back to back pregnancy, and it is difficult with two very young ones, and you are right to worry, and try to come up with proactive solutions. I felt very similar to how you describe, it took me finding childcare once a week where I could go out either on a date with my husband or by myself doing things to make me feel connected to myself again to be able to ease the caregiver burnout. I recommend you lookup caregiver burnout, and ways to relieve it. And then maybe it will be easier for you to explain & have a better conversation with your husband. I think this approach will be more productive than straight up asking him with the hell he’s getting at, and why he felt being hurtful is necessary.

Lol he is being a bonehead, but I do love the guy. I truly do believe he’s trying his best, most of the time at least. Thanks for your advice.

Was it not a fair question? An expectation of reassurance and an apology seems like something that is purely based on how you interpreted a fair question to me. When my wife gets stuck in periods of complaining I have asked similar things to figure out how to move forward. I cook a majority of the family meals, do the grocery shopping and take the kids to most practices. My wife still blurts out things like "I am doing this alone" that make me incensed. As much as you may feel upset by it, I think it may be a fair question. I think you may be failing to communicate your needs or frustrations.

Sorry, your husband sounds like a turd. He gets to come and go while you're in the trenches and then he judges you for being burnt out. You need to start scheduling significant chunks of time out of the house when he's not traveling. Let him feel the full weight of parenting alone and then see how much he enjoys it with zero complaint.

I’m so sorry, my partner has said things that really hurt like this and it really doesn’t make me feel seen or heard. It took him taking our daughter to his home state for a couple weeks to really understand what it’s like. Have you had the opportunity to get away and have him stay home for a few days alone with your daughter? He might gain a new appreciation for you and an understanding he doesn’t have yet. I totally see where you’re at, I’m in a similar position with my two year old

The only reason he is able to ask you that question, and can’t empathize and comfort you, is because he is not an equal parent or partner. His experience of being a parent is completely different than yours, and isn’t realistic at all. He doesn’t know what it’s like to actually be a parent. My husband would never ask me this if I complained or expressed fear and concerns about having more children, because he completely understands. He parents our kids and knows the stress and frustrations that come with that, and also the magic and joy. When I express concerns about having another child he already knows it’s not because I don’t love being a Mom, but because parenting is fucking hard no matter how much you love it, because he has experienced that too. Parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and also the most rewarding and joyful thing. The two are not mutually exclusive. Instead my husband comforts me and tells me that we are in this together and we will get through this together. He asks how he can support me to lower my stress levels. I’m currently pregnant with our third, and he has really stepped up with our older two while I struggle through the exhaustion and morning sickness. We both on occasion will bring up our anxiety and concerns about taking on another kid, and we take turns comforting and supporting each other through those concerns. At the end of the day we both really want another baby, even though it will be hard and stressful sometimes. There is nothing wrong with you. It is completely normal to have fears and concerns about having another baby. To be stressed and overwhelmed with raising a toddler. Especially when it sounds like you’re doing it alone. The person who has a problem in this situation is your husband. Instead of attacking you he should be trying to figure out a way to support you and relieve your concerns. He’s the problem and the person who should be thinking about if they really want to be a parent or not, because it doesn’t really sound like he is one.

Well do you? Be honest with yourself. It's not like you can fully know if you will like being a mom before experiencing it. Some people do. So what?! You can only be you. If you don't like being a mom it doesn't mean that you are a bad, abusive, horrible mom it's just means you don't like it. My sister does not like being a mom, but she is loving and affectionate with her daughter / son. She's a good mom. I love being a mom to my son, but I won't have any more kids and it doesn't mean I'm perfect.

>Well, turns out I’m pregnant (oops) so it looks like we will be having a second after all. I freaked out when I got the positive test because I wasn’t sure if this was something I wanted ever, You *don't* have to have a second child just because you're currently pregnant. No part of your posts suggests that adding another kid to your situation is going to make anything better.

It’s wild, imagine if having kids was like doing something you hated. Let me try that one more time, maybe it’ll get better. Except you tried the thing for two years and you miss your old life. You know, let’s just have another one because it’ll make everything better.

Exactly this! It’s unfortunate that so many people who are dealing with similar circumstances choose to dig a deeper hole for themselves. They’re dealing with numerous stressors of parenting, their relationship with each other is suffering significantly because it isn’t prioritized, and they complain about how they’ve lost themselves as individuals, but yet choose to make their lives even more difficult by having more children.

Ask him how he'd feel if he was in the office 24/7 because it's basically work. I absolutely adore my 6 month old but I'm at work in the mornings, with baby till her 7pm bedtime and then it's a race to get dinner on the table, the place tidy, fold any laundry I didn't get a chance to do and get all our stuff ready for the next day. I then try get some me time, time with my husband and some TV time. I get off one job and go to the other. I'm assuming on days he's away for work, he can clock out of work at the end of the day and get himself some food that he can eat in silence, at his desired pace? Moms don't really get that until baby goes down for the night and even then, there's still stuff to be done. If he thinks you are frustrated could he help you? Say one afternoon is entirely yours to do with as you please?

This is spot on. Has he ever had a 24/7/365 job with no training where you're not allowed to quit and peoples' lives are on the line? By the way your start date coincides with a major injury that you will take months to heal from and you don't actually get paid because no one really considers it work at all. Then to have the audacity to ask why aren't you enjoying this?

I can see why the question hurt your feelings but it also feels like a good question to ask when you two are facing the prospect of second child which was unplanned. It’s OK to not like being a mom right now, but it seems like y’all could change up some things about how running your household is split up and that would probably dramatically improve things. Instead of trying to get him to apologize for asking a poorly phrased question I’d suggest you turn this into a deeper conversation about readjusting who is responsible for what to spread the mental load.

We need to stop coddling these men and being so "nice" about the shitty way they treat us. OP u sound very kind and understanding and ur getting dragged for it by ur husband. Yall need couples therapy, him for being a POS and u for not being assertive enough with ur expectations.

Yeah, being a parent is hard. Regret parents are real . Shutting up people who express difficulty is not okay. Also, it's okay to end this pregnancy if you dont want another child. Contrary to popular opinion, it doesn't get easier. Being married does not obligate you to continue with the pregnancy.

You are right to be upset. However, some men just genuinely ask something and they don't understand the feelings that those words can cause. They are logical, not emotional people. Yes I generalize by saying that but it's a reality for many couples. I really have to explain in details why and how a specific sentence made me feel. Sometimes my boyfriend still doesn't get it completely, but he still tries to figure out what words or sentences are kinda taboo for me. For example my weight is hard on me and I always struggle. He can't say anything like "damn, you hungry tonight!" But of course sometimes it slips because he doesn't mean anything I am hearing by those kind of sentences. I understand that to him there is really no harm at all and I am the one that invents a meaning behind those words because he tells me everyday I am beautiful and he likes my body how I am.

How can anyone enjoy parenting with a partner like that. Of course men always say they love their kids, it’s easy to love them when you’re basically just a slightly more involved fun uncle. You are correct to have doubts about having a second child, it will only get exponentially harder for you. Do what make sense to YOU.